Bein' Ian With Jordan - Sq**rt Off! W/ Alex Kumin & Caitlin Peluffo | Bein' Ian with Jordan Ep 160

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

In Episode 160, Jordan and comedians Alex Kumin & Caitlin Peluffo talk forbidden pleasures of the female anatomy, how Jordan's doing therapy wrong, and how Manhattan living is way better than anywhere else, even if it's in a closet.As always: Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpodIAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast-Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free withpromo code SKA at https://www.bluechew.com- Support the show and get a 3-month unlimited wireless plan for just$15 a month at https://www.mintmobile.com/SKAFollow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstophttps://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstopSee Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensenFollow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69https://instagram.com/ianimal69/See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidanceFollow Alex Kumin Here: https://instagram.com/alex.kumin/See Alex Live! - https://punchup.live/alexkuminFollow Caitlin Peluffo Here: https://instagram.com/caitlinpeluffo/See Caitlin Live! - https://punchup.live/caitlinpeluffoPlease RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms!Edited by: James Webbhttps://instagram.com/thechicagopro/Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian FidanceOutro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter”

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Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being in. Coffee. eyes no matter what now you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride

when you're being in being in life is shit but you're positive let's find out what it's like to live alive being in being in

with Jordan welcome to be and Ian Ian is, uh, Ian's a JFL. Oh, did he get it? What's you doing at JFL? Showcase. Oh, showcase of JFL. Okay.

Um, uh, uh, good for him. I just got out of therapy. Oh, oh. I started wearing boxers. How you doing fun? Wait, I'm doing. I love the, they're men's.

Yeah. I love them. How are those? Are those Haynes women? They're just haines off, uh, Amazon. Do you like it? Are they, are they shorts? What's the style?

They're just, Women's brief shorts. I love it because my pants are always falling down. Yeah. Because she's so skinny. No. She's so skinny. Because I'm wearing low-rise.

Low-rise. Look at how small your ankles are. That's insane. Dude, I fricking. You have tiny little ankles. I done been having those, though. I've got the thickest ankles in the land. Look at that.

Beautiful. Eat your ankles. Your ankles are perfectly good. And you must. You're perfect. Leave them alone. Massive ankles. But you got tiny little ankles?

You got tiny little everything. Yeah, you're a tiny little little lady. Yeah. Wow. What was the other update I had? Therapy. How's therapy? What did you talk about?

Well, you know what happened? I started crying. He was like, when did your dad die? And I started crying, but I had to do the podcast. So I was doing, I found myself doing the Bachelorette. Oh. Which I've never done before, but that's why they do it. It works.

It works. It's for their makeup. I realized I was like oh my god look at me you know that I'm doing the I thought that they were just like I don't know I mean I thought maybe it was like eyelage extensions no I do it I just thought it was a feminine thing and they because they do this too yeah which what is that that's so you the hairs don't get out of whack no but why not that because they put so much hair spray in it so much moose it has to be a gentle it looks like it flows but it's not flowing at all that hair doesn't it's like a helmet they don't oh wow I don't know oh yeah yeah they have their hair

has been combed through in decades it's like a rat's nest in there huge huge volume that's yeah as a woman with a rat's nest it's like a different i got into a depression while i was gone where i didn't shower for a week and you know do you guys ever get into a depressive state where you feel like yeah present yes where you feel like you're in a battle to see who can not shower as long but it's just you against yourself i don't do that i just cry every day i just do this thing where I'm like I'll get in the shower and I'll just wash my ass and I'm like who is this for why does my shirt have to be on who am I in a competition with death I mean what happens though but are you someone who can go seven days without a shower and it's not that much if I go

three years you're a grease ball you're middle eastern grease ball yeah it's going to build up not there's going to be build up in every crevice no I wash my butt because you don't have to hop in the shower for that you just get a little wash that's what I do I do if when I'm depressed The hair stays, and then I take a washcloth, and I just wash everything. Do you want to hear my theory on why that's done? Because I was thinking about it, I was like, why don't we just wash our hair when we are depressed? Here's what I think. You know how you take a shower sometimes and you feel so much better?

Yeah. Sometimes I think when you're depressed, you're like, if I take a shower and don't feel better, I will take my own life. I'll kill my skin. You know what I mean? It's over for me. Yeah. I get that.

Yeah. I think that's what it is. You're like, if I get out and have the towel up and don't feel refreshed and still feel as bad, I have no other options. Then there's nothing to live for. There's no reason. Absolutely nothing to live for. Yeah.

That's very true. That could be, yeah. Whenever I, that's a bit. That's a bit. That's a bit. That's a bit. But I, I, but you know every time, you know a shower will make you feel better. So my therapist would say, what's the, you know, show us the evidence.

Every time you take a shower, you do feel better. Show yourself the evidence. Okay. And so you do it. Evidence is so interesting. But then you're like, I don't want to do it. Sometimes I just want to be a little piece of shit and watch the property brothers until I fucking die. Is that what you do?

What do you do when you're in depressions, when you're in depressive states? Property Brothers, hometown, Magnolia Network. I watch any kind of HGTV before and after show. That's why you're depressed. Yeah. Oh, for sure. I mean, I was in, that was two years of my life. I was just laying on the couch watching the property brothers being like,

one day I'll own a home, but I was doing nothing to make myself have a home. Yeah. And then I was like, why am I poor? Because I'm not getting off the couch and miserable. What's your depression move? I don't talk to people. And I just, and I'm like, no, I'm just, I just will, I'll go for a walk and journal and that's it. And then I just sit and cry on the floor.

That's my mouth. Crying on the floor. It's good. On the back or fetal? Feetal. Wow. Feetal on the floor. And I just sob.

I think that's good. My therapist says I should do that more. It's good to get it out. It does feel better afterwards. But when it's days in a row and you're like, maybe you go talk to something. And then I drink and then I'll drink. Oh. And which that's...

I'll tear one off. Good night. When I want to drink more than two days in a row, it's like, ooh, something's up. I order a lot of shit online. Yeah. Oh, the TikTok shop? What do you?

I just order anything. Anything. Want to know what happened? Yes. Girls will both appreciate this. Okay. Hey, everybody. Come see me live.

Ianfinance.com. Irvine Imprava, August 20th, 23rd, Oxer Lebedee Live. 29, 30th, and 31st. I'm at Summit City Comedy Club, Fort Wayne, Indiana. big news jfl toronto september 26 27th three shows we're packing it now we're having fun get those tickets it's going to sell out get so many tickets we got an ad show yes and then september 12 13th comedy connection providence rhode island weekend after that september 18 1920 a stress factory new brunswick new jersey and then uh kansas city or no omaha tulsa houston i'm going all over come see me live

eiffidance.com. Subscribe to my YouTube. Ian Fightance comedy to get my travel show when it comes out and all my stand-up I'm posting shit daily and punchup.

Dot live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates and her special comes out on Netflix September 9th. Okay. See you. Bye. Okay, so I told my manager

I was like, is there, no, I talked to Stavros and I was like, how do you guys always fucking get tickets to these games? And they were like, our agents.

And I was like, yeah, I'm going to do that. So I hit on my age and I was like, can I have tickets to fucking Serrano, Taylor? Uh-huh. And no response. My manager then breaks is back to get VIP tickets from Netflix. Okay.

So I go to the match and Sydney's like, I won't be able to see you. I'm with Toronto the whole time. I'm in, I'm course, I'm ringside. There's Kevin Hart's right there. Shooter McGavin's right there. Three bimbos, lots of plastic surgery all around, right? It's crazy right in front. And then I stand up at one point and Sid is just next to me.

And I was like, whoa, Sydney's our trainer and best friend. And she was just right there. And we had to see each other. It was so great. And then, but here's a really cool part, besides the fact that I got all the free food and got to be ringside, I got home yesterday, big box in front of my door. Jordan Jensen opened it. Netflix had sent me giant boxing bag that said, New York City, Netflix, black leather.

We're going to bring it on the road, red and white stripes, a boxing robe. Isn't that crazy? That is crazy. If you finagle your way into rich people's shit, they just give you shit. That's how the rich stay rich. Isn't that fucked up? Yeah, that is fucked up.

And it was like, I couldn't believe it. I was like, I can't believe I'm sending. You are, you are going, hey, you got the richest treatment. You get more stuff. More. This is crazy. Not only do you get to be rich, you also get all the good cool stuff. And it's a nice, I bet it's a nice bag.

It's so nice. I fell asleep wearing the bucket hat, the robe and the bag. A bucket hat? Because I'm still a rat. I'm still a rat. So I was like, this was free. This is mine. Yes, dude.

It's crazy. I do need, it was, it was incredible. I want a bucket hat. Are you doing, but I know bucket hats are in. Is it, are we feeling? I'm not doing a bucket hat. I can't. Are you feeling?

I can do a bucket hat because of my low-rise jeans. Oh, yeah. It's your whole vibe. That is a vibe. I can do a baseball hat. You're very baseball hat. I'm very baseball hat. I can do a trucker.

I could do a trucker. Oh, a trucker. Yeah. I can't do a trucker. I already have a huge forehead. In each one of us a hat. Okay. I would be baseball curved.

Yeah. You know what? You would be like your essence, though? What? Because we're going to get, it has to be slightly painful. Okay. Yours would be the kind of frayed edge and it's a little too bent. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, like a little, little. Born in. Like, Gulf of Mexico, Louisiana. Yes. Yeah. Thank you so much. Sweaty, the sweat ring. Yes, absolutely.

It's gross. I think mine, unfortunately, would be trucker, the bad kind. Yeah. The not. The foam, the not cute. Like, the not cute. Where it's like puffy here. Yeah, yeah, totally.

I mean, I have one of those with the mesh and the mesh back. Yeah. But you know what I mean. The ones that are too big. It's from a farm in the Hamptons. Wow. Here's would be, I would say it would be like a wavy sun hat. Oh, like a beautiful.

Yeah. You're very fashionable. You know what else I would say? You can rock it. Cowboy hat. Cowboy hat. I think you could rock a cowboy hat. I think you could rock a cowboy hat.

What kind like, are we talking like the straw or like, like the like a real cowboy hand i think a real broken in i think honestly i think the leather flat brim all the way around yeah all right festival baby you're just so fast look at i might also be a be a beanie you might be yeah i might be i think there's many i think it depends on what i think beanie is it with the i used to have the beanie with like the brim remember those sad parts that was so sad i used to have those put them to the side mash mouth yeah yeah How dare we? Yeah.

How dare somebody invent that and be like, what if we put a tiny little brim in there? A tiny brim. For the shade. For the shade. For the snowboard. For the winter. For the inch of shade. It doesn't cover your eyes.

But that, this part, good. Set. Put a little picnic right there. My theory is, is that a brim like that makes everyone's face look. Makes your face look hot. Makes your face look longer. When there's a brim? When there's a brim.

Yeah. The brim is good. It cuts off. It brings all the focus to, like, eyes and, like, lower half of your face. Mm-hmm. Which... Yeah, but you can't wear it on stage. You can't.

I tried it once. Oh, man. You disappeared. And I was, like, having a panic in the middle of my sex. I was like, they can't see my face. So then I started, like, lifting up. I was doing comedy like, and I was like, this is all so wrong. This is bad, and it doesn't feel good.

And... But some people do. Some people wear hats. It's when they pull it back. You can pull it back. Yeah. Yeah. Have you tried it?

Oh, yeah. I've tried it. I mean, I feel confident and ever is in a hat because at the boyish, the better. Yeah. But then I would look back at the video and it would just be, I'd be in darkness. Yeah. And it wasn't good. And I would always be smacking the brim up.

So it would just be like, how. Oh, yeah. Okay, wait, boyish, the better. The day I wore a hat, I was also wearing like a suede skirt and cowboy boots. You're the only female. Oh, no, you're starting to do it. But you can pull off being feminine on stage without losing confidence. Thank you for saying.

that because I don't feel like I can. I feel like I get up there and my confidence just because the whole crowd goes, nope. Yeah, they hate it. They hate it. Unless you're, unless you have Nikki Glazer. I was just going to say, unless you're, unless you have Nikki Glazer legs. You can go all out.

If you go all out and you have a really expensive dress, you're good. Yes. But if you don't have that and you're just half-assing femininity, they don't like it very much. They fucking hate it and it's driving me nuts. I'm pushing it a little now. I've been doing tank tops on stage. and I've been doing sandals and I've been like

I'm trying to just slowly intro on stage I go full whore I do the crop top sometimes I do cleavage and crop I'll do a skirt I can't do it at the V you can see into my hooch

so I don't do the VU but yeah no you can do skirt I can do I can do I like it I work I work too hard I bomb every time I wear something feminine

I bomb every time I wear a beanie any time I wear some kind of hat No, for 2,000 years. Hand to God, every time. The pandemic, you were all being in. And it was a miserable mess. Do you feel like it's because of the audience, or do you feel like it's because you deflate when you walk on stage?

I think I go on stage and I'm like, I'm in a hat. Yeah, yeah, there's a thing on my head. There's a thing on my head. There's a thing on my head. Do you see the thing? Do we all see the thing? We all agree. We hate the thing.

I'm so sorry. I can't do. do any, anywhere, any time, femininity without feeling like Eleanor Roosevelt. Like, I can't. You wear crops, though, and they look good on you. Crop is not. But I've been doing that. It looks good on you.

Yeah, but that's like, that's, I don't think that's femme. You get arms out. Oh, yeah, but that's not femme. That is femme. That's femme. Arm out? Arm out. Tummy out.

Very femme. Yeah. But my tummy's, there's boxers. Good. It's still, it's like, it is Avrilavine femme. That's what it is. Yeah. Skater boy.

I think it's fem. It's, yeah, she's literally a skater boy. She's like goth fem. Yeah, she wants a skater. Yeah, goth fem is your, maybe that's the new. Goth Fem is too. I did goth Fem to the fight. Also, you have long hair.

Yeah, that's very feminine. Yeah. Lords of Dogtown is what I'm going for. Okay, yeah, it's working. All right. You know, hi, sweet. But yeah, when I wear a dress to a wedding, it's four minutes before I change into pants.

Really? Yeah, it's, I can't. What dress do you on? I would love to see a picture. Please. Let us see. I can't even... What color?

It's got to be black. I don't even know if there's a picture of me in a dress. Come on. Have you never worn when you were growing up where you... No. Boy to the max? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bull cut.

Oh. In high school, I tried to be super femme. And it was like... We'll put up a picture of me. But I can't find it right now. It'd be too big of a dig. Yeah? It'd be too big of a dig.

Yeah. Wow. I can wear silly dresses, silly, silly, for things. That's usually what I do. If they're like, you have to wear a dress, then I go pretty silly. Like, Pomona, my, my, I almost said my boyfriend. My stepbrothers, Jesus. Uh-oh.

We're in trouble. The old Freudian slip. Freudian is right. That's right. My stepbrother had a wedding and I just wore like the most extreme, like, giant sleeved dress that I changed out of. Okay, okay. Like it was like a renaissance wench. Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah. And you went to a renaissance fair. That and you wore a dress. Yes, I wore a witch. Yeah, with Ian and Luke Monez. Oh. Which is crazy. Yeah.

If it's a costume, I can do it. Okay. Okay. Maybe for Halloween we should all dress up in dresses. We should be the witches of the East Bushwick. I've always wanted to do that costume. That's actually. Witches of East Wing.

Yeah. Okay. Bushwick. I'm in. I'm in. I'm in. I'm in. And we just have like bowls, glass bowls attached to us.

Yeah. What? hilarious. girls people smoke pot they people hear marijuana that's how much pot I smoke I'm like what was that a cereal bowl yeah interesting that where they put their creams kately is masquerading as a very masculine strong young woman but is actually a seven-year-old mother I am I am she loves a cup of tea I mean I also like to make sure everybody's happy what did you say the other day you squirted for this first time you come up to me and you go you go I don't

know if it's I should say it and I was like say what And you're like, I think it might be TMI. And I was like, what? And you're like, I t-smarted. And I was like, you fucking scored? Do you fucking tell the world that, bitch? I didn't know I could squirt. And then it happened.

Yeah, I guess I squirt. It's really terrifying. It never happened. No, it's a lot. What does it feel like? It feels like you pissed and came at the same time. Very, so very intense and a lot of release. I felt a huge.

Where it is, but from where it is? Actually, it doesn't feel like, it feels like you're going to. to pee and then you come. Okay. Like you're getting fuck so hard you might piss and then you come. And you're like, it doesn't feel like urethra involved at all. No.

It feels like your water broke almost. Honestly. And then you're just like, oh, there's a puddle. That's my- It doesn't squirt. It doesn't do anything. It just kind of. It's not like in porn where they're like,

not at all. Oh, yeah. I forgot I used to have a joke about that where you do it and you feel like a bad animal. You know what I mean? You're like ashamed of yourself. I mean, it was shameful. I was like, oh my God,

I'm so. and he was like, no, I did that on purpose. I did that and I love that. It was his king. So what's the cleanup like after? I mean, I was in a hotel room, so I literally just switched to the next bed. Absolutely. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you a hard comer as in hard as and difficult to get there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You are too?

Are you? I'm a humiliating comer. I'm like, come immediately and I'm like, I did not. Are you? What does it mean? I've never faked an orgasm. Do you come? I can come like eight times.

No. Yeah. Come once, real easy. How? Okay, so if he makes me come going down on me, then I can come again. Never. That's never happened for me in my life. Really?

Yep. Oh. I know. With a guy, it's a real gift. I know. Right now. Anyway. I know.

It takes, that is harder for me coming when they're going down on me. But it still happens. This is absurd. And what you're doing is crazy. I just always am like, it's not going to happen. So, like, I'm already, it's been so many years of not happening where I'm like, it's not going to happen. And so come on up.

Yeah, yeah. That's how I am too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. And I'm so homophobic that when a guy's going down on me, I'm like, don't be a bitch. What are we doing? Don't be like this. What are you gay? Foreplay is gay.

Foreplay is gay. What are you Italian? I'd like to be bone dry. It's usually bone dry is what I'm into. Yeah. Yeah, where they pump for oil. I'm like, it'll get there. That's the worst.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, no. Wait, but you can multiple? Yeah, I think my record is eight. Wow. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, but that's just using a man as a sexual device. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, totally. How did you do it? I could do that too if I didn't respect somebody. Shut up. No, I also use a vibrator and that, that works. But it's just, it's rolling or what? It happens every like two minutes. I just like, as I'm getting plowed.

Yeah. You can kind of feel the, you just feel the tingle and you're like, that's it. And then you do it again, and you do it again. But also, the more comfortable I get with a guy, the more I can come. Where you can use them as a weapon. Yeah, pretty much. You are an apparatus. I don't like to come a lot.

One is plenty. Really? No. All I want to do is come. All the time. Really? All I want to do. No, what is good?

And then I've earned snuggles. That's why you have sex. Yeah, I'm not having sex to come. I don't care about come. I want love forever. I want you to love it forever. I want to be held afterwards. Yeah, that was me in college.

Yeah, I was like, sure, anyone. I don't know what your name is, but that's so, I don't care about orgasming. What? What? Yeah, I don't give a fuck, dude. Take that back. I want three. There's no world in which I would have a one-night stand.

There's no world. Have you ever? Yeah, but I thought it would lead to love forever. Oh, no. You know? I fucked this guy who made me squirt, and I knew for sure I was never going to see him again. Yeah, I could never do it. And then he DM'd me later, and he was like, you want to come on my boat?

And I was like, no, buddy. I want to squirt on your boat. I want to squirt on your boat. I would squirt on his boat. I would fuck him again. But it's not love. You know what I mean? Get on a boat.

Yeah, I can't. I don't understand that. I can't. If I have good sex with you, we have to get married. No. But also, good sex takes a while. Yeah. It doesn't happen right away.

If we have sex, I'm doing it so that you'll love me forever. I'm never doing it. Why wouldn't I just be by myself and come or or get chocolate? It's different. Help coyote. She just threw that up there on accident. Okay. I'm sorry, buddy.

Here we go. oh yeah oh sorry that was not what you wanted come on up okay come here buddy come here do you want to come up she's gotten big i love you so much she's very fit right now from being upstate oh my goodness yeah how's the house coming it's great it's done i mean we put in a fence are you coming in it my i'm coming in it my gas is going in on the 31st so i can get a dryer in a that's exciting wow been doing a lot air fry air fry oh good you really can do a lot with air fry never used one It's just the best. Everything.

Everyone who has one loves one. It's just, you don't need the oven. And also, can I say something? The oven not being on with my OCD? Love it. Oh. In my new apartment, the knobs turn blue when they're off, and it's changing my life. Wow, bitch.

Because I still leave, lock the door, walk down the hallway, and then have to come back, open the door again, and then check in. That's just going to happen. I'm going to fix up that. I'm going to post a carousel of all of the pictures of my stove that I take to show to show. To show me that it's off. To show you. Yeah. It's every time.

Yeah. It's horrifying. How much time I waste. Today I left with such relief and was like, let it burn. Because if coyote's with me, I do not give a fuck. But with her in there, I'm like, everything must be off. The toilet has to be unplugged. Unplug it.

What if it flushes her into it? It's crazy. I've left candles burning. Oh my God. I once left a pot on. It's because you don't have an animal. And I left. The only thing that could die is Steve.

Well, not anymore. I left. I left. friend in the house with rice on the stove almost burned him down i left rice on the stove when i was studying abroad in spain fell asleep woke up hours later to my roommate furiously and very scared opening all the windows and the place was filled with smoke yeah i think that's why i have such a even talking about it i have such a like what are you worried that'll happen is you'll lose your things i'm worried that i will burn a building down and kill a person yeah yeah yeah yeah totally

Yeah. I do not care. You don't care. Anybody besides the dog? Just the dog. If you were sleeping in my apartment, I'd be like she can fend for herself. She can figure it out. But the dog can't turn off the oven.

No, the dog cannot. She can't. She can't. I left a pot on with the cats at home. And there was water in it. And I forgot that I put it on. And so when we got back, the pot was dry and just very hot. Oh, that's so.

Steve freaked out. And I was like, yeah, it worked out. Yeah. It's all fine. You need a yin and a yang, I feel like. That's interesting that that's your, that you're the, leave a candle on all day. Yeah. That's, yeah, now the guy that I'm dating is neurotic.

He's a little neurotic. Yeah, he's very clean. He has his space. He knows where things go. I think that is an important balance, though. Do you have to keep a van clean when you live in it? He has an apartment now. Oh, good, good, good.

He's doing good. How does he load the dishwasher? We don't have a dishwasher. Oh, my God, my friend the other day, loaded the dishwasher. are two cooking sheets closed on each other clamsheld. I was like, what are you? How is that going to get clean? That's crazy.

I really was like, man, I am a woman because I found myself and he was like, are you organizing my dishwasher right now? And I was like, no, no, I'm not doing it. Well, if you did it right in the first place. That's crazy. I mean, that is crazy. Clamshel is insane, but I also am a psycho with a dishwash load. Yeah, I can't.

I just throw it in willy-nilly. I just read a thing that if you leave it in there, that you shouldn't rinse it and it'll fix itself. No rinse. But it was TikTok. Could be. But I would like to try it. Try it out.

God, I'm so sick of doing dishes. I'm so sick of doing water cup dish. I'm so sick of washing my own water cup over our nose. Do you have a dishwasher? No. You will, though, in your new place? What new place? Oh, no, my house doesn't have one.

Your house? You'll install one? You could build one or something, right? No, it's too rustic. It's got to be rustic. It's got to be rustic. All right. But I need a new apartment.

Mine, my, I got locked into my apartment today because the doorknob fell off. Shut up. I flushed my toilet and it fully broke off, the toilet flusher. And I turned on my shower and it pissed out like two drops of me. And I was like, I got to get out of here. You sure do. Yeah. Yeah.

But those are also things that a landlord is supposed to fix. Yeah, that's 100% not your responsibility to replace the toilet flasher. Yeah. But it all broke at once and it just, I got to, I got to get out of there. But the plate, the area is so good. and I got a... It's a great place. I'm not ready to become a Manhattan person.

Oh, come on. It's fun. Yeah, you are. It's the best. It's awesome. Why is it the best? Because you guys drink and go out and have fun. No.

I go to a park and wait in a river. Get somewhere close to Central Park. Ever heard of it? Central Park. It's too many scary people who yell my dog for being off leash. She's a rat. She is a rat. I mean, she is a rat. But, no, I mean, Manhattan's great.

I walk to all my spots. I walk. I have everything that I need. Everything's open light. It's always busy. I never feel. safe, walking home at night. Check, check, check, check.

Co-sign all that. You're Upper West? I just moved to Hell's Kitchen last week. What happened to your... Sold. Sold. Sold. Sold.

Do you like your new apartment? I love it. Really? Yeah. Is it tiny? It's tiny. I love it. That's great.

We all live in tiny apartments. Yeah. I like it. I like having a tiny little place. It's just my house. Is it a studio-ish? One bedroom. They just raised my rent.

How much? They raised $175. That's... Can they do it? I don't know, but I'm going to ask if I can not do that. Is that right a polite email? Be like, I would like it to be only raised $50. There's some law.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Tenant law. Check that. Okay. Because 175 is, 175 is he said? Or 125?

175. That's a lot. They said because of inflation. And I was like, bitch. Keelan's apartment is crazy. It's nine flights of stare. My is four. Hers is legitimately nine.

I've been. It's fine. You've been up there. I've been up. It's insane. It's five. the gym. I, it's, hey, that ass isn't building itself. That ass. I mean, let them know. It's crazy. I've been really working on it. Yeah.

I've been trying to. You just have to go home. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. It's, we're having fun. You both are in new relationships. Good pivot. Thanks. And it's not, it's not official. Not official. But we're not sleeping with other people. Great. Officially. Official. I just don't want to be, I don't want to get married. It's the label. I think it's the label after. after a breakup that's hard. It is. I remember the first. I want to be an avoidant like her.

I'm being avoided. Yeah. You're always an avoidant. You can just let men go. You don't care. You get over it. I see you the next day. Yeah, that was a crazy turnaround for you.

You could just let it go. Years. I don't know where. Well, this is, oh, this is what happened. Okay. So I was hanging out with my fella, okay. And he picked me up and he stumbled. and I was like, oh, my God.

He picked you up physically, or he picked you up in the car. You just picked me up. When have you ever been picked up and not stumbled? I've never had a clean pick up. I mean, he's picked me up. He can, the first time we worked together. Literally last night, the guy I'm dating picked me up and yelled at me because he was like,

my fucking back. And I was like, I didn't ask you to pick me up. Yeah. I did not ask for this. Also, that's a bad thing to say. Yeah. All the time. All the time.

That's, we don't. No. We don't care for that. I'm a know on that. No, but he, he's. The first one, pick me up. I'm like, use your knee. If you bend at your back, it's your own fault.

Grab around my neck, princess. You pick me up like my mother. I know, I become like a step down. I'm like, try again. Go ahead. Like, I don't want to. I'm like, I'm in a fire. Save me.

Now exhale and lift. Fireman carry me. Dude, I'm the most annoying person to swim with because I just want to be carried like a princess the whole time. Oh, it's so fun. It's so fun. He can pick me up. He's the first one who's ever picked me up and no flinch, no exhale, no nothing.

That's just very hot. Wow. BMX riders, baby. They're so strong. Yeah, very strong. Very strong. Your husband. Excuse me.

My brother. No, but so he picked me up and then he was bringing me to the bed and he kind of tripped. And he goes, oops. I was like, oh, no. And he was like, oh, I just tripped. And I was like, no, it's because he had. of a fat girlfriend and then i went and he went and then i was like no no no we got to talk about this and so we had a that's when we had the full conversation of we're not seeing other people but

we're also not officially boyfriend girlfriend yet but where'd you get self-love from mom dad neither therapist oh this is a new thing this is the new thing that's new yeah let me ask you this how does it feel talking to him about that stuff is it does it feel calm and like very easy easy he was like yeah we can talk about it that's what we should make you don't trust any of this he's just like a good person he's going to snap something he's going to break a table but he's also been to therapy oh wow it's been a ton you're blowing her mind right now yeah he's like he's like genuinely kind person he's around the corner i'll bring him over you can where is he yourself i've met him i really like him he's great he's delightful is yours crazy no what he's perfect

No, that's not real. You don't have to be with a crazy person. Listen, I'm a crazy person. Yeah, there's only room for one. I'm the crazy one. He's the normal one. You got to balance it out. I don't like normal.

Normal I can't, I don't even see them as people. I see them as like boilers in a boiler room. You know, I'm like, that's a functional thing. I mean, he's normal. He lived in a van when I met him. He's not normal, but he's emotionally stable, which is nice. You can be a little zany. My career would be over.

To have some, that's why, okay. That's it, that's the deep down thing. I have to be in pain at all times. No, my God, Jordan, you do not. Oh, man. It's crucial. No, it is not crucial. Pain is life.

Pain is love, love is pain. Yeah. Beauty is pain. Yeah. It's all pain. It is, but it's not. You know what I mean? You can just be happy.

Although I say that. When I win, when I win the affection of my, of my, of my and then you'll get it and then you'll be like well now what and then you'll get bored and you'll break up with them that's what I would do if I was dating your guy is I'd be like you want to go out and they go yes and I go why what do you mean yes and they'd be like we can just have a good time to get that's what my therapist is saying today why don't you just try imagining if things are okay and I was like okay I'm imagining it I'm a bland boring fat person on a couch going I love life I can't pray love I get that that's who I

Yeah, yeah, totally. I eat, I pray, and I love. I'm like, what? Then I would lose the dark circles under my eyes. I would start sleeping, and then who would I even be? I'd be unrecognizable. Hey, hey, everybody. It's your old pal you in here, and you know what I'm about to tell you.

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limited time new customer offer for first three months only speeds may slow above three five gbs on unlimited plan 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan taxes fees extra to see mint mobile for details no you would make it your own your own version of e pray love is different yeah it doesn't have to be their version of e pray love okay okay also as your therapist where's she from he he problem number one what two male therapists I have two therapists two of them what

I don't get along with women unless they're male like you guys all right good to know yeah yeah

this is we hear your brother you have to stop that he's gay okay fine he's gay for one

is he? Why two not Alan oh okay Alan's dad one of them is a psychologist or a psychiatrist

just two separate guys you're going to two separate guys you're just spreading it out over two yeah one of them one of them teaches me how to change myself and the other one teaches me how to get other things to give me what i need like set boundaries make demands stand up for myself and the other one usually it's just one person that does all that yeah i feel like we are starting to figure out yeah a little bit about why things aren't working two therapists are great you can talk shit about the other one to the other one? How often do you see them?

Nope. Once a week. Each. I just started the second one. As a B-Mall Eclipse Visa Infinite Cardholder, you don't just earn points. You earn five times the points. On the must-haves like groceries and gas and little extras like take-out and ride share. So you build your points faster.

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No. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets, product availability may vary by Regency app for details. I see my therapist every other week, and she changed my life.

Yeah. It's good. Every other. When did you start? When did she cost $64 a session? Wow. These are both $200. Yeah, mine is $150.

Worth it. I'll give you the name of my lady. She's wonderful. I need both of these guys. No, you don't. They do different things. What is it? You,

okay, walk us through one thing that each of them has taught you. I'm interested to know what the difference is. One of them is like, the only way you can, like you have to ask for what you need.

You have to set your boundaries. You have to ask for what you need. I need you to tell me you love me. I need you to not give me spots past midnight. I need you to, right? That's Alan. Oh, you can ask for that. Dude,

I've never done it. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for. You technically could. You technically could. Hypothetically. That's just something that I would like to get to. Oh, okay.

I was like, wait, what? Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Incredible. Asking for tickets to the fight. Yeah. Right.

Ask for what you need. And the other one is get yourself to a place where you're self-sufficient. And that you don't constantly need validation, love. That's where I need. I need that. I need, that's Luis. What's his name? Lucas.

Lucas. Lucas. Oh, you didn't even say it, but I just sort of inferred. That's wild. Yeah. And Alan, Lucas and Allen. Yeah, Alan is dad. Alan is like, you're doing everything good.

Get what you need from, tell me you need that. Because Alan's your dad. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. This is making sense. And the other one's my therapist. Yeah.

And the other one's gay. Yeah. Okay. Alan's your straight dad. And I think he is. What if he's not? What if he's not? That's crazy.

Or what if he is and he's closeted? There is something. You're a real piece of shit. Go tell that to your therapist. Ask Alan. what you should do about this yeah yeah or i'll give you my therapist add another one in there three in the mix why not i know let's get the spectrum going really get every modality in there yeah yeah i'm pretty fucked up i have a lot of i have hard times all time so two therapists feels correct

yeah because if you guys are seeing one i'm gonna need two all right i respect you know what i mean i respect it you do what you want and i think that it's the best money anyone could spend is on therapy sometimes i think it's a waste But I'm trying. Whenever I'm happy, I'm always like, what am I doing here? And then one thing will make me spiral out and I'll be like, bah, I need to go back. This is awful.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like the fat girlfriend thing when I said that, I was like, we've got to get back to therapy. And then she was like, okay, the girlfriend thing is fine. You called yourself fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit. We're back. We're back. Back to once a week. Oh, man. That's what I love. They point stuff out. Yeah.

I had a session on Monday. I had a neck ultrasound on Tuesday for all my cancer stuff just to like check up and I was like I just feel like I haven't been taking care of my body enough and I'm just so prone to disease because I'm a disease and she was like

whoa yeah we want to does that remind us of anything and I was like I'm a disease no I'm a disease no that's so funny how'd your ultrasound go I think good I think we're clean

I get the final, I have to wait for one more blood test result. She is not a disease. She's not a disease for one more six months period. No, you aren't a disease even if you have a disease. Tell that to my six-year-old self. I can't. So much HPV. Oh, no.

So bad. Oh, God. We get it. We're here for it. It really locks in, you know, the stuff. It gets really, buries itself. in there. I know. It's great. Come on. Come on. She's like, throw another fucking thing, bitch. Does it? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's a sound. It's a, it's a, what's the other animal? I'm sure this is

great for the pod. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's good. Yeah. They love it. I love having to edit that out every time. I'm just making sure that, okay, we're fine. Hi, buddy. Hi. Yeah. No, I mean, the stuff that happens to you when you're little, it'll never change who you are. No. I know when it's fucked up when you operate around little people. And I'm like, what am I doing to you right now? I know. Is this going to stick forever? Am I my uncle? Am I the uncle?

I think you perpetuate it. I think, say I say to a little kid, like you're a retard. Jesus. I think if that kid forever says I'm a retard until they're 34, that's on them to fix that at like 21. You know what I mean? Like, you do have to, at some point. You got to do the work. Yeah.

You got to do the work. Totally. And that's where I'm at now where I'm like, this is, like, that's what I was saying to my therapist. I was like, dude, I'm so sick of spending my entire life convincing. and sing somebody that they should love me. And I was like, I don't even know who I am if I'm not somebody who's being like, laugh at me, love me.

I'm, and I'm just so sleepy all the time because I'm always, and then I'll just shut down for a week and go into Netflix land. This is so helpful to hear, because this is what I'm going through right now. Yeah, I'm like, I'm cooked doing life this way. Yeah. I can't do this anymore. I'm cooked.

I'm cooked. You know what else I realized? If I'm a circus bear and I'm like juggling stuff for somebody, and they're like, I don't actually want to hang out. out tonight instead of being like that's reasonable of you i go how dare you because i'm a circus bear and i've been juggling for six hours which makes sense but i'm like oh if i were just living normally that would be fine but i've been performing no no no no and people who have not this job will will be like how do you do that like how do you no one of my friends is like this and she's a she's like

a sign painter yeah so of course everything she does is about like curating something very beautiful and her whole MO is like make sure people love you by doing things for them and she has narcolepsy and she'll just be going 110 and then just pass out and I think that narcolepsy is like related but I it non-comics do have this yes it's just they don't have the outlet that we have so I think yeah is something fortunate about being able to oh there is I do feel fortunate to have because now every time I have something bad happens I'm like just write down every detail and it'll be funny later. Yeah.

Like, it'll be good later. But I think a lot of people have the relentless performance thing. I think it's just if you were raised by parents who are like, what are you doing? Just being a kid? Ew. Is that where yours came from? If I said something childlike, my mom would be like, what is that even mean? Goo Goo Gaga?

What the fuck? And I'd be like, all right, I guess I'll learn how to talk about Nietzsche at the age of three. And she'd be like, there, there you go. Good job. See, I was the middle child, and my parents were always fighting. Yeah, you're forgotten. Yeah, forgotten. And then also like, I'm the clown.

Everybody, it's okay. It's all fine. I'm sorry. Look at me. Eyes over here. If you're not, if you're looking at me, you're not screaming at each other. Oh, yeah. So now, even now, whenever I go home, now it's not my parents fighting.

It's between my parents and my sisters. So they're fighting. Yes. My parents. And so I'm the one that's like, well, Caitlin's here. We'll all behave. Right. It's all going to be okay.

And then you leave those trips and you go, whoa, I'm more tired. than when I ever have been in my entire life. Yeah, when I tell my mom, I was like, I'm going to actually take a vacation. And she was like, it's not a vacation when you visit home? And I was like, not even a little bit. No, it's not. It's exhausting.

No, ma'am. Louise, I'm tired. Does your baby sister perform for people? No. No, she gets a lot of attention. She gets a lot of attention. But she'll say that she doesn't want it, but she loves it. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, Jess, I love you. I think both, if you have two kids, they both perform. I think it's just all the parents, what they want. If you want to have smart kids, you're fucked. You just have to assume your kids are going to be the dumbest thing in the world, and then you can love them unconditionally. But if you're like, my kid's going to be elite, it's game over.

It's game over. Your mom wanted you to be elite? My mom and my dad were elite, and they assumed that we would be. In what areas? My mom is an elite athlete, an academic. My dad was an elite athlete, thought he was an elite academic, but wasn't. and we and Jamie was an elite elite athlete and they were like Jordan your turn and I was like I'm just cutting myself in the corner with a safety bet you know what I mean so then I had to be the

intellectual one if I put on boys boxers yeah yeah and they were like that is better that is gender bending you like that better yeah yeah my parents but I would be that way if I had kids they would have to be elite that's where I don't think if I should have kids yeah because I don't know that I would let them like do anything I'd be like I pick a a baby and I'm like this is a bad baby boring baby and I'll pick up some babies and I'm like this is good baby this one good strong baby smart baby good blood in this one is insane it is both of you are crazy you would just love it you would just love the kid sometimes if they did the right things but I'm like if I had it did the right they did the right things which are the things I choose for them yeah

and like you're going to play soccer you're not going to cheerlead no I think it would be you're going to play like or you're going to play to watch what they want to become I think it would not be fun because I think I would feel disappointed I'm watching my niece right now she's learning what sports she wants to play and we're thinking that she might don't want to play sports and I'm like love you that's so funny I don't feel that at all oh my god I guess I'd just be a good mom you are gonna be a great mom you are but that but like I just like love children and I'm like oh you like you like trains I like little boys the other day I was on the farm with some little boys and they were like throwing rocks and being like you're

you're an idiot in chucking rocks at each other and I was like they're dead they're dead to me I hate them really yeah that's so I wasn't like they're they're just little boys learning I was like fuck idiots yeah I have a short fuse with kids yeah that I learned while I when I was like teaching I was like I have no tolerance for yeah yeah that's good a teacher who's like you're a lawless call yeah no straight up I would this is bad because I would play favorites and not be at all subtle about it I would I would call on some like and I wasn't I wasn't I wasn't I wasn't like a math teacher I didn't have a class I would go in to like teach sexual violence prevention programs day which is insane wild that you'd go in and be like have you been molested

not in those words but you how you say it is so genius it's a great way to say it yeah let's do it say it perform perform you would go well it would be age specific programs so for like k through fifth grade it was like safe and unsafe touch so it was like we would go in and we'd be like how do you keep your body's healthy, safe, and strong? And it's like, we brush our teeth, and we have fruits and vegetables. And then you're like, what are your favorite fruits and vegetables? And it gets them all excited to participate, right? And then you're like, have you been Melissa?

And you're like, yeah. And I'm like, show me on the dough. Yeah, that's what I was laughing about when you were telling me all this. And I was like, my ed was a woman holding the doll, being like, nobody should touch you here and flicking the penis. Absolutely flicking it. Yeah. Well, what we would do, instead of flicking a tiny little penis, we would just go your

chest, your bottom, and in between your legs or your private parts. And nobody should look at them unless it's a doctor. And even then, your parents should be in the room. And if anyone has and everyone, and we talked about the difference between a good secret and a bad secret. So like a good secret is like,

it's like if you like have a surprise party you're keeping a secret, but it has an end. And a bad secret is a secret that doesn't have an ending. Like what? Like someone put their dick in my mouth. Do you know, do you know what? Is this The scariest.

Keep it subtle. If you said to me as a kid, a bad secret is a secret that doesn't have an end. I would be in an acid trip. I'd be like, what the fuck does that possibly mean? It's the one that doesn't end. It never ends. That is kind of blowing my mind right now. Yes, yes, yes.

A bad secret never ends. A bad secret never ends is crazy. That's like, if I was like, can I tell you a secret? I have a UTI and I'd be like, well, the UTI will end, will it end? What if it doesn't end? A UTI, the urethra never ends, it goes in her body, it's never ending. It's a bad secret. What is the end?

Yeah, what is the end? Is it death? A bladder infection and then death. And ultimately, wow. A bad secret is a secret that doesn't have an end? I mean, that is crazy. That's really smart though, like, yeah. Because then they're like, it gets them.

Yeah, but what if their uncle's like, I'm only going to molest you do my. I'm only going to know us until you're seven. Well, that's an end. And they should keep their whole mouth out that much self-control. That's true. That's true. No. Oh, a coyote didn't like that.

No. No. It's like, no, not until you're seven. Bad secrets. Oh, my God. But that is crazy. That is. It's, I'm going to think about that.

Was I ever told a bad secret? You probably weren't. This is newer programming. Newer programming. Okay. This is cutting edge. Yeah. But it's also, thank God, there is that programming.

Oh, we loved it. I mean, it's... This is our little secret. That's a bad secret. This is our secret. Our secret. Don't tell anyone. Yeah.

It's a secret you're not allowed to tell anyone or a secret that doesn't have an ending. You should never keep secrets from it. I get really panicking. And then we would go, you can't tell anybody this. I get panic. I get a little weird. I'm like, what about my mom? And they're like, sure.

You all tell me. Sure. I do the thing where someone goes, you can't tell anyone this. And if it's like something where it's like, obviously you don't tell like, but I feel like there certain things where I'm like, do you give a shit if I tell a couple of people and tell them not to tell anyone? That's like the, that's

a secret that doesn't have an idea. The best secret is when somebody tells two people a secret at once. Yeah. Right? Like if I was like, can I tell you guys a secret? And you had each other. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like the most stable secret tellings. That's actually good formula. One-on-one secret is a lot of... Because then you can talk about the secret and I'm giving you that opening.

Yeah. That's the best secret. Secret is you people good. That's why. That's why molestation secrets are the worst. Really bad. They're one-on-one. I think any secret from somebody over the age of 18, bad. Yeah. Don't ever ask me to, oh, God.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No. Nothing. No. Even a surprise party. If you're 18 and you're playing a surprise writer and you say that to a five-year-old, inappropriate.

Yeah. I'm going to tell people. Yeah. I'm too young to keep that secret. It's a weight beyond my control. Show up and yell when I tell you to, but we don't, I'm not going to. I don't want to know. It's a surprise party for me.

I'm five. It's a surprise party for somebody. It's a surprise party for me. Because I'm going to be surprised. I mean, five-year-olds are like running around being like, you're fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I'm going to say it. Well, that's the wild part, too, is that they would, like, because we would do these

things, we would make little, um, telling trees. Tell me about the telling tree. Tatum trees? Can we have a telling, yeah, fuck, a narc tree? Is that it is a narct tree? We would call them, I don't think we called them trust trees. That's from whatever a movie, but, um. It was like little trees where we would fill in the names of adults that you trust that you could go and talk to.

So we would like put your teacher, you put Miss Q, you could put like your mom or your dad or older sibling. And then we would be like, okay, and now we're just going to hang out. And if any of you have anything you want to talk to us about, that we talked about, we're here. So then kids would come to the back of the room. Oh, no way. Every time I called DCFS in Illinois, the line was. busy every time there's so many kids getting done people love Jesus Christ and they would come and tell you they would come and they would tell you

and then I was a mandated reporter so I had to like yeah how many uncles if we're gonna get molested in children as women we should be able to be in politics that's my theory if what let us be president if you're gonna molest us as children if we have to be on FC Nilems when we're 14 let me run for office absolutely those should be the only people talk about being able to keep country secret. I'm the fucking best secret keeper on the fucking planet. Exactly. I'm not going to tell you the nuclear codes. I've been molested.

Lots. Silent for 18 years. My uncle told me to be quiet. Yeah. I got thyroid cancer from keeping it secret. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Oh my God. So it was a lot of kids. Girls. Yeah. Both. Both. Both. Both. Happens. Yeah. Happens in like

equal measure. Wow. But it's mostly uncles. It's like kind of everyone, but the uncle, a lot of times. Is it really uncle a lot of times? It's like, it's like, a lot of times, uncles. Is it like uncle like my dad's friend who says, yeah, yeah, yeah, that guy sucks. Yeah, no one likes that one. My dad had no friends. Thank you, Gary.

Okay. Thank you, Gary. Yeah, he's like, I got daughters. I'm not bringing these fucking creeps, Gary. Yeah. Yeah. I hate that. My dad, he still doesn't have friends.

No, he's not. Yeah, he's not related to anyone in this room. Yeah. Get him out. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Love it.

Although you guys could come. You could be my kids' aunts. Yeah. All right. Slash uncle. uncle great i know thank you whatever vibe you're planning on doing aunt yeah aunt is pretty much exactly the gender i am crazy aunt crazy yeah oh you say aunt i see my niece the other day i was like do you know what my name is and she was like dodo and i was like you think my name's dodo and she's

no auntie dodo and i was like you think my mom named your mom jamie and me auntie dodo and she was like yeah i don't know she's crazy how old is she she's seven i was like i was like And she was like that, she was like, what is your name? And I was like, you know my name. You know it. She was like, dodo, do, do, do, dody. And I was like, my name is not dody. It was crazy.

I'm going to call you Auntie Dodo now. Auntie Dodo. That's fucking cute. Where did that come from? Because she was a baby, so we'd be like, this is Jojo, because that's my nickname. Oh. And she was like, Dodo. And they were like, well, that's fitting.

So that now it's Auntie Dodo. I like that. So you guys aren't baby crazy at all. I'm going nuts over here. Some babies. I froze them, but I mean, froze the eggs. You both froze them. We're not talking about that.

Okay. I fainted. Okay. But I... I nearly fainted. I keep yelling at this guy I'm dating. I'm like, yeah, you're so hot. You're going to put a baby in me.

And he's like, I really hate this. Wow. I'm joking. But then I see a small baby go by. He's like, I don't think you're joking. And I was like, yeah. Dare me. You're going to put a baby in me.

I'm really losing my mind. How many kids do you want? Just one or two. two. I don't, I want to live within my means, and I'm an old bitch, so. Yeah. How many can I have? Why do you want one?

I think there's so cute and fun, and I want a family. They are cute. Yeah. They're cute and fun. You want a family. I also want purpose. I like it. Purpose is great.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I had out of bed in the weekend. It was the most fun thing ever, but I did, as soon as I was throwing the baby up in the air, having so much fun. It barfed. I barfed. Ha.

A baby barking. On you? In your mouth? It was like, no, it barfed on itself. And then its mom, my friend came over and wiped it with her bare hands. Oh my God. Wow. And then she was showing, putting it in my face.

And I was throwing up. It was crazy. That sounds fun. Oh, my God. See, the moment that I want is when a kid, like something bad happens to a kid, a kid trips, he falls, or whatever. And then the only person it wants to see is you. It comes running up.

And it's like, I need comforted by you. Yeah. You hold them. It's like, that's what I want. That is nice. Now I won't. Like I saw my niece last month and she just like would not, she was just so happy to see me.

And we like, we're like watching a movie and she just was like laying on me. And I was like, she wouldn't even let my boyfriend like to hold my hand. She moved his hand off of off of me. Boyfriend met family. Boyfriend met family. Wow. Big day. Big day.

Let's talk about it. You set a boundary and that's what worked out just like I said. Do you know what I said that? Yeah. Kind of like that. Yeah. Yes. it was like a boundary yeah you started getting shady a little

where there's a little shade he was like I don't know he's like I don't know and I was like cool I can be a polyamorous wench in a harem and we said not quite that's verbatim verbatim verbatim and no but then I was like here's what I will and won't do and not in like a yeah yeah I was just like I sat with myself even though I don't know if you've noticed but every time we talk that is what they hear. True. I was thinking about that the other day.

If I'm like, I really need you, they're like, oh, your penis is stupid. I'm like, I didn't say that. But like you did with your eyes. Yeah. You did with your eyes. Oh, you're not good enough. You never will be.

I'm like, I just asked if we could go to the movies. Like, oh, if you don't do things with me, I'm going to tell everybody about your penis. Jordan, you're in a bad relationship. No, yeah. Yeah, I think. This is me referring to my sister, the guy she was dating. Oh, no.

The guy I'm dating, I would never ask if you'd see a movie movie. It's insane. This is interesting. No, it's good right now. It's good. It's good right now. I mean, back when I was with Steve, every time I felt like he would hear, you don't do enough around the house.

And that's like the voice I think he would hear. Yeah. I would say, please do this or please do that. On the Patreon, can we tell the P.P. story? Oh, yeah, we can tell the P.C. Yes. I don't know this. Oh, we should start the Patreon.

Okay. Um, plugs, plug. Plug. Just Alex Kuman across all social media and, um, podcast. Podcast. Podcast, thank you. Jesus Christ. Into the mud, great podcast.

She did my podcast. Oh, yeah. Watch the episode if you want to hear about. So fun. Her shit. More of it. More of it. She got shit.

That was one of my favorites. That was so good. That was so fun. Caitlin also do my podcast. Also one of my favorites. No, it wasn't. Don't lie to me. I guess it was.

It was also like the people's favorite. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, we're very fun. What did you guys talk about? I don't know. What did we talk about? It just rolled.

It just rolled. It just rolled for hours. Yeah. Two hours. Yeah, full hours. So are you squirting? We both got out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nothing off of the mess. Wow. Fine. At Caitlin Palufo and all the things. You're on punch up. I'm on Punch Up and also QuizBitch on YouTube. Please watch it because it helps me a lot. QuizBitch is so fun.

It's so fast. It's what you want. Comedians taking Cosmo quizzes. It's really, it's some of the best. It was so fun when I did it with you. My little hype man. I love it.

Yeah, you are. I like this. This is great. This is great. But punchup. Dot live slash Caitlin Plufo slash Jordan Jensen. Yes.

Slash up. I'm on Punchup. I'm on Punch up. I'm on Punch up. Type in your email. Watch our content. We'll notify you when we're in cities. Yes.

Come see us live. We're fun. It's better live. It's so much better life. Get off your phones. Get off your phones. Although I do, I'm thinking about starting an only fans.

I'm thinking about it. I don't know. Really? We're rolling into the Patreon for that. Whoa.