Bein' Ian With Jordan - Steam Room Chronicles W/ Brendan Eyre | Bein' Ian with Jordan #216

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

Our good pal and phenomenal comedian Brendan Eyre stops by the Den to tell us about his new special Alive & Well (out now on YouTube!), Oz the Mentalist gets exposed for the fraud he is, & Brendan shares a story about a friend he made at the sauna. SUB TO OUR PUNCHUP FOR EXCLUSIVES! All of our dates AND bonus episodes are now available in one convenient place, all for the same price as the Patreon! Visit punchup.live/beinianwithjordan Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/SKA - Connect with quality therapists & mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/ian #rulapod #ad - Help an old gunslinger out… pre-order BRUT by Sam Tallent today https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/787018/brut-by- sam-tallent/ Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Brendan! https://instagram.com/eyrebud Watch Brendan's Special!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crnqRanrZtU Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dallas, Texas, October 1st to 3rd, Eamfinance.com for tickets. And let's sell these out. Helium Philly, Philly, Helium, November 5th to 7th, Sack Punchline, December 17th, Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco, December 16th, and New Year's Eve, December 31st to January 2nd, Pittsburgh Improv, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, E&Fidance.com for tickets. Come on out, have a smoke, hear a joke, come see me on the road. I've got a ton more dates, but those are the big ones. We want to sell those out ahead of time.

And also Ian doing our guy doing on jobs out on YouTube. com slash Ian Finance Comedy. YouTube.com slash Ian Finance Comedy. I think I'm having a series of mini strokes. Anyway, on Patreon.com, Patreon. Patreon.com slash Beatrian pod. Subscribe to the Patreon. Five bucks a month gets you bonus episodes, early releases, ad free.

And come see us there and come see us live. Love you. Bye. Bye. to live alive Being Ian With Jordan Hi everybody

Welcome back Yeah you said I got you a gift I got you gifts I think I might have I hopefully left it At my house I got you gifts

And then you get your gifts We're left in the Uber No I don't think I left in the Uber Oh you're back It's Beating with Jordan Happy you're back I was gone for a while hey Yeah

Oh. I'm about to leave for again. Canada. I was in Canada. When are you leaving again? It all depends on Sydney's baby. And how long are you leaving? I don't know.

You're taking maternity leave for your friend? Okay, well, it's going to be being Ian and friends again. Thank you. Oh, are you allergic? Are you taking off touring and shows and stuff for Sydney's kid? No, no, no. I'm just going to go stay to my house and... With sit?

No. I'm saying I'm going to stay. stay depending on the baby. So what are you doing? She's here having baby. But you're then going to leave her to go upstate? Unless Yeah, depending on when the baby

comes. But you're leaving for how long? I don't know. God damn it. Well, we need to know. Are you here next week? Next week I'll be back. We have the Mensinger's coming next week. Remember? And Jack Grady asked magician.

Jack Grady. He's a car mechanic in Ithaca. Shout out. What is an ass magician? Dude, he's like an insane magician. He's going to do magic tricks. With his ass. What day you're doing it?

Monday and Tuesday. Next week. The Menzikers. Remember I told you about this? You never said the menzsche. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Welcome to be in here, Jordan.

We're so happy to have our guests today. We're here. We're queer. I have my ear pierced. Do you like it? Yep. No? I do.

Why are you holding your breath? It's just a little gooey. Well, because I need to put more salt water on it. I don't need to see that much, sigh, James. It's a lot. That is. Yams. Whamhawks.

That is dinner. It's a little. Oh. You threw away. The skeleton saw your yams and threw himself into the trash. The skeleton tried to jump on your legs. Brendan Air, one of the best comics ever. One of the best humans ever.

I didn't want to interrupt while you were scheduling the ass magician. I was like, I don't know if we've started yet. We got to get this ass magician in here. What is an ass magician? He's a magician with his ass. Instead of a hat, he pulls things out of his ass. Get into 2026. Hello, it's the 90s.

You'll be here, yes? Oz magician getting debunked. Thank God. Wait, question. When you were magicianed by Oz, what did he say to you in the green room? I told you. I forgot. I know.

And I also told you the mensingerers are coming on Tuesday, and you said you'd be here. Will you be here? Yes. Monday Tuesday, yes. I don't know. Not sure. It's incredibly frustrating. Well, we don't have to talk about it right now.

But this is the only time you talk to me. Go ahead. The ass magician. He's a special type of magician. No, dude, Dr. Oz goes, hey, who's one celebrity you'd like to have dinner with? And one celebrity you'd like to have dinner with dead and alive. And I go, okay, and he goes, look it up on Google and just stare at their picture and go, okay. So I looked up Bill Murray and Elvis Presley.

And then he left the room when it happened. I was like, all right. And then later, he guessed Bill Murray. And then he cut up in a little piece of paper that I have in my fridge. Why didn't you guess a different thing? Why didn't you think of a different thing? Because forgive me for trusting Dr. Oz magician. Okay.

No, it's not Dr. Oz. Oz mentalist. When you were saying Dr. Oz, I was like, this guy does it all. Because I was thinking the Dr. Oz. Dude, Dr. Oz did a magic trick on every fucking housewife ever to be like, everything he says is true. I shit my hand and eat it and I get good B12. It's crazy.

You remember that guy? He was debunked, too. Oh, yeah. Well, because it's almost as if Oz is a man behind the curtain. But isn't this one, Dr. O's? Whatever. When I'm with my bitch, she called me Dr. O's because I'd be dropping them. O's.

What are O's? Orgasms? I assumed orgasms also, yeah. No what I noticed, whenever I eat pussy when I'm done, it looks like a cigar blew up in front of my face. Like a cartoon cigar. My mustache. It's just like whir. Like a villain that got run over by a train.

Can you not act like that's disgusting? Okay. You were disgusting because you don't like getting gone down on. It had nothing to do with me. The idea of your mustache being plastered by pussy juice is so disgusting to me. Why? Because it reminds me to be in the pool where my dad would get stopped. Yeah, but you want to fuck your dad.

So again, that's why you are averse to me. A very young version of my father. not when he let himself go I think you are I'm not letting myself go I'm in big shape I'm in big shape thank you some great physique pictures

Come to the compliment couch Can you get over there In the insult couch Are you putting physique pictures online Well some work you've been doing some work Some lifting Yes but also because of the wrestling episode Of AEW

Oh that's what I saw And I go Ian looks strong as shit Thank you I was doing prison style pushups To blow up my chest Oh, yeah, look, it worked. I forgot my hat. It worked.

Okay. Can I tell you a magic trick that happened to me in Key West? My righteous jam's hat? Okay. What? You're a strong guy, too. I used to be stronger. I was very strong.

I'm sorry, I left my phone on, very unprofessional. Let me turn this off. No, I'm a mess. So I was in Key West, and this guy at, you know, Tom Dustin's club. Shout out, Tom Dustin. It's a best. Iguana killer. You know what's weird about Key West is that,

They all shoot iguanas, which are like... What? Yeah, yeah, because they're invasive. He shoots iguanas. No, no, no, they all do. In India, they shoot monkeys. He really does it. They all do.

Because they nail them to their portraits. No. Yeah, with BB guns. But this is what's weird. There's these piece of shit chickens running around everywhere, and you can't, it's illegal to even touch the chickens. What? And I go, because every bird in the keys is legally protected. And you go, you can shoot.

So you can kill the majestic dinosaur And you can't touch this scrawny fucking chicken That's blocking the road. It's weird. Can you eat the chicken? Nothing. You can't do anything to the chicken. What's that?

Nothing. You can eat the chicken's pussy. That's where he gets sheepish. So this is what, so I went to a close-up magician. Tom's like, you got to go to this guy. He's the best in the world, which is, he's in the bar. Instead of a... Is that a bad?

He goes, bachan. So this guy's doing a little. like he had me pick a card and he's going is this year card and i go no and he throws it away and it's like this year card no so he just keeps not getting my card right and then he just never got my card and then he goes oh weird and the piles that he was throwing the cards away it was three three four perfectly piled and he goes if an ace is a one two one six do do do do do does that mean it. It was my fucking phone number. What?

Yeah. They were landing in a pile They were landing in a pile perfectly laid out my phone number. How'd he do that? What the hell? It was, I, like, jumped up from the table, and then I was, like, looking for a phone scanner, which that's not a thing that can be legal, right? Where were you looking?

Like, I was, like, looking under his table. Like, he was, like, scanning my phone. Like, that can't be a thing. That's what Oz got caught with. some sort of phone scanner that you're like Google. Oh my God. Yeah, this is big. I just love you so much.

This is a dog cat. He really is. He's so lucky. I mean, that's crazy. That's the best. I mean, what is that? I mean, well, now he's leaving, but he's such a little flirt. He comes up and does it and leaves.

That's what Dr. O's Dr. Secret of the Ews did. He had some sort of thing that picked up, uh, you know something in the cloud I don't know that's got to be so illegal to just it's not illegal but all of the magicians hate him yeah because it's all should be slight of hand I mean yeah

he's like the Joe Bluth of real life magician I mean it's crazy how magic does work my friend the other day was like is this your card and I was like no and then he shook it and it turned into my card and I was like I'll fuck you right now not magic yeah no no he had two cards But that's not, magic isn't real. It's all sleight of hand.

The fact that you can shake a car to make it turn over and the next one. You're good at what you do. It's awesome. Yeah. But that's why magicians are cool because you can get, it's like, you know, unusual suspects when, what's his name? What's his name? Kaiser Soza. Yeah.

Kaiser Soze goes, they go, oh my God, he was collecting all this thing from the, that's only cool if we saw the whole board at one point. It's gay if we did it. Yeah, but also, magicians are cool at the final price. They're not cool when they're 12 years old and their names are like, Danny Cadabra. And they're like doing card tricks at their fucking, you know, I would watch Danny Cadabra, the 12-year-old magician. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Fidance.

Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy and to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head. I get you. to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fridayance comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got to rip a fart too, bro.

Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long have you been working here? My cousin was a magician. Shout out Brian Reboin. The last Ronald in Delaware. Clown magician would teach me tricks at Christmas before there was a big,

falling out. There was a guy in Ithaca that would go up to you and go, want to see some magic? And you would, all of you and your friends would go, run. Because if you got locked in, he would never let you go. And he was so bad at it. Oh, I thought you were going to say he would show his dick. No. You want to see some magic?

Basically. My cousin's best magic trick was making my family disappear. Tadda! Tada! What? I found out something interesting. Like, because my daughter. and her friend, we were at like a little market or whatever,

and there was a magician. And it wouldn't have occurred to me, but it makes sense. They're still, like, learning about new things in the world. Kids are magician? Five-year-olds. So magic means nothing to them. Because in their minds, they were just like, yeah, that's just one of those keys that disappear.

Yeah, yeah. I just figured out about those. Learned about it. My dad turns the car on with a button. Everything's magic. Yeah, yeah. They're still figuring out. So, like, to her, they're just.

Like, oh, yeah, I could, I should have known. Cards change sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they have no object permanent. Yeah, there's no, they haven't yet learned. Like, they see new things every day. So they're just like, yeah, that box is one of the. Oh, so they're not impressed.

Oh, not at all. They're just like, yeah, he had a box that made a starburst. So then why are black people so impressed when they see a magic trick? What's that about? Huh? Do they get impressed? Oh, that. Have you ever seen a black person see a magic?

drink they run a marathon afterwards we would run a marathon too if we had athleticism instead we're too fat and stupid and white and we go speak for yourself you melted candle I'm in shape my favorite you have gout and scurvy or whatever the fuck I got over it

and now I'm I'm doing kettlebell exercises and riding my bike and eating healthier than I've ever eaten I used to love when I lived here my favorite thing was I would run around I would run the loop and prospect Park and it was always so funny to me that all the white

people jogging the loop had way worse bodies than the West Indian people on the Crown Heights side of the park smoking blunts and just sitting there with their shirts off. Just looking phenomenal. Doing no exercise once and we were just

chubby guys trotting around. There's a new homeless guy that's moved into the West Village. Best body I've ever seen in my life and his magic trick is halfway down McDougal Street. He takes his clothes off. And his abs are just, who! He didn't smell it. I said into a homeless man's face today, come on.

I said it into his open eyes. You have to sometimes. About what? Because Dick was so close to being out. Like his shorts, his pants were coming down so low that it was like pubic hair about to pop dick. Ew. And I, sometimes if you hit them with something like that, like just like a, like a come on, man, then they will be like, you're right, you're right. You're right.

That happened to me. I was going to better days. Remember that bar show? Yeah. And this guy was jerking off on the sidewalk. I go, yo, dude, what the fuck? Yeah. There's a park right over there.

And he goes, you're right. I'm sorry. He got up and went to the park. I like it. You said there's a park right over there, which is also fully illegal. In your mind, you're like, you know, it's harm reduction. Take it to the other public air. There's a kid I know who loves it over there.

Go get it. Yeah, there's a good playground in that park. Yeah, yeah. You're wasting it on me. There was a guy in, um, Portland who goes, homeless guy black pushing a stroller with nothing in it. Sure. Always.

Screaming down the street. And he just is across the street and he goes, whore. And I jokingly to Jake go, I am not a whore. And from across the street, he goes, you responded. And I was like, too shay. Wow. Yeah. Got my ass.

Good for him. I had a, I, in Brooklyn, I lived, I lived, most of the time when I lived here, I lived in like, in Park Slope around that area. and I got into a weird jerk-off showdown one time because... Wait. Huh? So... You and a guy were...

No, here's what happened. So at my gym, like, they had a sauna at my gym. But my gym wasn't like a pickup spot. Like, it was... All gyms are pick-up spots if you try hard enough. What was your gym? It was, I think it was called Dolphin Fitness or something like that. That is a change name.

I mean, that's just... That literally is called wet gym. What? That's called Shamed. It's a shaved gym. Yeah, it's called hairless gym and wet. So I'm in the sauna, and this guy who's probably like 68 or like 70 just starts jerking off at me. But he was like too old to be hard to fight, like to confront physically.

So I just go, so I go, stop that. I said, stop that right now. And he looked me right in the eye as he's jerking. And he goes, stop what? And I go, I'm not, you're not going to make me leave this sauna. And you know what you're doing. And he goes, you don't have to leave. And I go, I'm not leaving.

And then I just stayed there until a man came. And I go, well, I probably should have left. That was. You can't make me leave. He's like, I'm not making you do anything. It's like, I will watch. I'm going to watch till you come. I'm going to eat your cum.

I'm going to swallow it too. Yeah. You can't stop me. And then I will. I'm going to drink your cum. And then I will meet up with you at another day for dinner. I'm going to write my number down. How do you feel about that?

We will develop a relationship. Initially, we won't be public, but then we will because you see me in a way others don't. I bet you hate that. Take that. Try that up for us. You're old enough to where you've lost everyone from AIDS in the 80s, and I'm a new kid in town. That makes me feel safe with you. And I'm going to take care of you when you start to die.

What do you think of that? Huh? Why don't you rethink jacking off right now? Did I go get a gym staff? Yes. A safe future with me. I'm going to invite you over to my home. Dude, what do you think about this?

I have companion passes as a Delta. You're flying back with me to Cleveland. Wait, what do you think about this? Try and be not heterosexual men when I say this. Try and put your mind as a woman, okay? Been doing it my whole life, bitch. Good job. Good job. Thanks how you try.

We're in the sauna, packed full of women. No space for anybody. Every, the, yeah, see, I knew. No, no, no. All of us know to either, I go in there with Jim clothes on. I'm like, they're already sweaty, they're going to get sweaty, or I don't care. Every other woman does full. I said you were going to say, I went in there with Jim Crow attitude.

I went in there with the Jim Crow book. Those seats in the back are reserved for someone. As Jim Crow. So, we're all sitting there. And this woman comes in, I go, hey, would you like my seat? I'm getting out. She goes, no, I don't want to sit down. And then she takes out a lotion bottle, drops all of her towels, gets naked in front of all of us women,

and just starts very intimately. Humiliation ritual. It was a humiliation ritual. And she had this nicest body. All of us were like, she was the hottest woman I've ever seen and just starts lubing herself up in front of us. And I was like, this is voyeurism. This is some weird kink. Wow.

Put lotion on in your own. No wonder men are trying to get into women's faces, huh? I mean. That made me want to tuck it back out of a wig and walk in. I don't make you cut your dick up. That's hot. That's a wild move. That is what.

I bet she was doing it to get off. I know. Yeah, I think she must have been. Yeah, because that's not. Some people are just sort of. I was joking, by the way. I feel. About what?

Tits were sick. You were joking about what? It was crazy. No, you're doing great. What are you talking? talking about that. No, it's okay. It's okay.

I liked that. I love the dolls. Protect the dolls. Somebody yelled that out in Portland, and I was like, that doesn't make sense. The dolls aren't the ones doing that, really. It's a bunch of guys that look like they were conceived in a Renaissance fair.

Like, I'm a woman. Anyway. Well, the whole thing that's weird to me about, you know, when, like, politicians, they love to bring out the, like,

how would you feel? If a, if a woman, who was born, a man went into the bathroom with your daughter. It's weird to me because it's like, there hasn't been, like, bathroom guards. You know what I mean? Like, anyone could go into a bathroom this whole time.

You know what I mean? The bathrooms have been free reign this whole time. Like, I would feel better than if... There's no stoppage for this since a dawn of time. Who identifies as a man. I took a shit in the woman's room at the YMCA by accident once. I prefer to. Nobody said anything.

Well, it's also weird because all little girls grew up going... I mean, at least for me. Going to the bathroom with their dads. All the time. When they're like without the moms. So many old dick and balls around me as a child. And I'd be like, dad, look how low those balls are. He'd be like, quiet.

And I'd be like, they're swinging, dad. And that was like a part of being a little kid was you'd hang out with your divorce dad. You'd see dick and balls at the YMCA. And that was it. And now it's like, no child shall ever see. And I'm like, that's going to make a bunch of whores. Because we're going to make it so they never see any genitals. It freaks them out.

And then they're going to get to 14 and be like, show me all of them. You know, like Christian girls where they become little slots. I don't know if that's... I went through a whore phase and I saw a lot of dicks growing up, so it really doesn't hold anyone. A blanket statement for all of humanity. Any, what's it called dolphin, Jim? I think it was dolphin's eyes.

No, but I do think growing up in a hippie community is weird to me how all these politicians are like genitals are the worst thing to ever. And I'm like, us hippies, we... Every old person was naked at the damn potluck. Well, yeah, it's all old men trying to control women's bodies and then pick me fucking bitches like Nancy Mays jumping on their fucking bandwagon. It's just such a non-issue.

It's making a problem out of seven instances of like billions of people. And at the same time, it's all fucking distraction. Like, dude, all this shit is fucking poppers. It's just for us to smell and loosen our assholes up so we don't realize how hard we're getting fucked. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, we're sending more money. We're getting involved in fucking war with Iran. uh wmba sniff it

it's also funny crazy they never it you know it's it's like a misogynistic thing because they never will say like how would you feel if a man who is born in a woman when as a woman went into the locker room with your son

and started soaping up his big juicy tiths how would you fit you know what I mean like do it both ways then Yeah. Like, just showing his hot pussy all over. Hey, can we not worry about fucking trans people in bathrooms and worry more about gym teachers that have a picture glass window

facing the shower that makes all the boys shower together at the grade school I went to? You had to take showers in, did you say grade school? You got a special out, right? Yeah. What's that about? It's, uh... Wait, what were we saying before the thing?

Before the thing where you admitted that, uh, you're... Oh, we were talking about sauna girl. The sauna girl. Yeah. Loving up. What is your special? Bobby Lee took me to a sauna and then got a naked, naked immediately. And then fucking, uh, skipped around to a different room.

And I was naked and didn't have my glasses. So I was just walking, trying to find him. And I'm blind going up to other Asian men being like, Bobby? Bobby? Bobby? And then that piece of shit, we're in the song. And he goes, hey, man, don't tell people about my penis, all right? I won't tell people about yours.

I go, I don't care, but I won't. I wasn't going to. And then he went on bad friends. It was like, Ian's penis looks like a lollipop. Not true. And I go, why'd you do that? He goes, why had to get out ahead of it? Because I knew you would.

I was like, no, I wouldn't. And he was like, well, I'm a weasel. It was a lollipop's good. No, lollipop's skinny with a big circle top. That's not true. But nobody's shaft. Patreon.com slash be in Ian pod. see my penis.

Is it on there? No. Oh. I'm just faking him out. You never want to get up. I don't like that getting ahead of his. Thank you. You wouldn't have.

No. No. No. And okay, now I'll say it. His looks like, his looks like a groundhog coming out, seeing its shadow because it's just a little snout comes out and surrounded by a bunch of roughage,

which is his pubs. He got big. Pube-s tiny penis. Damn. I had you had that. Which is his puke. As if I thought there was other roughage. Just to me, he doesn't actually have leaves and branches.

Yeah. I just want to go out on record saying he doesn't have foliage. And the groundhog was his penis. And that is, that is a comparison that's not true. His penis can't predict how long the winter. will be. It looks like it's going to be a short winter, huh, Bobby? Looks like winter's going to come early.

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Follow a hitman to Paris for one last job. Brute is available now for pre-order. Consult your local bookstore, anywhere books are sold. Brute is available everywhere on September 22nd. Help an old gunslinger out. Pre-order Brute by Sam Talent Today. Sam is one of the best working comics. One of the best people around. An incredible writer on stage and off.

Check out Brut. And check out running the light. It's an incredible book and an absolute horror story for any rogue comic who lives in fear of turning into that man today. Go out and get Brut. Pre-order. By the time you see this, it may already be out,

but it comes out September 22nd. Go to your bookstores. review it online tell everyone you want to read brute get it where books are available and tell him your old pal aian sent you we love you bye bye looks like no one's going to be pleased by this winner huh bobby i got you this because we said we are going to get each other's gifts for the podcast each time we see each other i got a gift i got a gift but you left it in the uber but it's better than that let me see it all to be determined this is a cheese this is a cheat yeah this is from minnesota this is

This is from, where do they do you? Thanks. I also got you another gift. A magnet with a cute mousse on it from Canada. Oh, I got you a Canadian gift. Really? Thank you. What'd you get?

Do you want to tell you? Sure. It's a mug from Calgary that has lots of rodeo stuff on it. That's cool. Yeah, it is cool because you need more mugs. Yeah. And I needed more of this. Well, you like little guys, and that could go in your fridge.

It's great. You go, Ian. I have not. Nothing on my fridge, so I really do need that. There you go. You got to go. And Brendan, I got you the gift of song. No, don't do that.

Glenn is disturbed. Glenn is disturbed. That's good. No more notes. That's good. That's plenty. Nope, that's fine. That's good.

Thank you. Thank you. Piano, man. I haven't played in a while. I'm sorry I've come empty-handed. That was so kind. That's okay. You have a little drummer boy.

No, but sometimes. People think I do, and I don't know if it's anxiety or Ohio or... Is there an Ohio accent? How do you have an anxiety accent? Well, because I used to, like, I stutter a little bit sometimes, and I get cut up in my head. So I'm not sure. People do often ask if I have an accent. I think it's Ohio.

It could be, but Ohio is very nasally, like, and I don't really have that. Cleveland, Cleveland is. Yeah, like, it's like a weird... Cleveland rocks, and Ohio is. for lovers. Wait, I need to look up an Ohio accent. No, no, no, no. You don't have.

I don't think I have it. I have something weird because people ask. How is it nasally? I can't do it well, but it's almost a little bit like a taste of the Minnesota accent. Like Chicago, Minnesota. Yeah, yeah, a little bit. Just a little bit. And it's like all the west side of Cleveland.

It's all the eastern Europeans. Your tattoos are great, by the way. Tell me how you know I'm from Ohio. I see this way. Nice spectrum truck, right? That's southern Ohio. That's like stupid Ohio. I went down a rabbit.

What is Jake? Hey, tell you how you know I'm from Ohio. I'm from Ohio, and people always say, well, Ohio people don't have accents, like people from the south or other countries. I don't know that guy. Yeah, Dominic, he's great. You steal him. Do you hear that? The Ohio win that?

Or what about those things? That's southern Ohio, though. That's not Cleveland's different. See how Ohio? That's like a Cincinnati guy But there's something about the way That you care hold the words that's similar

Well it's it's homely It makes me feel comfortable It's comfortable but it's also elongated Thank you Like each word you say Has a long time to say it Which I like It's reassuring

It is reassuring Like warm Like this This feels so good when you're both Just saying I speak in a way that Your ears like Yeah. Thank you.

It's nice. My eyes like it too. Thank you. I appreciate that. Hey, James, can you do a thing in this episode where right now at the snap it edits in a sauna? Oh. Put my dick out. Have me have a dick.

Have me jerking off a dick. Yeah. And have me old. And have Brandon going, do not do that. Stop that. Stop it. What's your special on YouTube? Yeah, my special is on YouTube.

It's about 40 minutes of my sort of normal silliness, and then 15 minutes of when I killed myself. So it's real, it's a real, uh... Back up. Beep, beep, beep, beep. When you killed yourself, yet you're still here. Well, are you a ghost? Wait, is it this one? Mom.

Yeah, it's that one. Yeah. Dude, me and Bobby Kelly could not stop talking about that. Can you talk about it? Oh, yeah. It's the funniest clip that's ever been posted in the history of comedy. It's the funniest thing that we have ever seen. It is so crazy how funny it is.

So obviously, in the bit, it's exaggerated. You know, it's a comedian's truth. But I hung myself and I hung myself with a blanket and it stretched out. And I had left New York. I'd gone to my parents' house in Cleveland. even because things were fucked. I was fucked. And,

um, but I, I tied the knot really good. And I like couldn't go. I literally was like, kind of gasping and like stuck on my toes. And so then I had a call. I'd just be like,

and then, and this is the part in the bit that's true. She didn't know what, uh, I was young for her sister. She goes, I'm on the phone. Yeah.

Oh my God And so I don't know It was like two year long I don't know It was a weird Because officially I'm bipolar type 2 But they've told them all sorts of things I don't really know

Things are pretty good now But it was like two years Where it just spiraled And then trying to like Get out of that And figure out okay what the fuck happened And like get healthy And

Wait bipolar one is where you have hypomain Mania. Yeah. Bipolar 1 is like delusion psychosis. Bipolar 2 is where you have the extremes of, you know, like mania and then the low is lows. Well, no. So sometimes, so bipolar 1 is the delusions, but also the manias are bipolar 1. Bipolar 2, you have the lows.

So they're getting rid of bipolar 2 in the book. Really? Because it's kind of a nothing. Because I was prescribed bipolar 2. Yeah, because it's, they, a lot of times when people have like depression and, you have, anxiety, and then something else weird, they go bipolar too. Because they don't, it's like a catch-all. They're getting rid of it.

But apparently it's like you, your cycles instead of manias, it's like extraordinary irritability or like sounds and conversations make you like crazy. Like so. And then you have some like delus. I had some like minor delusions and stuff. Yeah. I've been in like psychosis and delusions. but the medication, did the two, I wasn't touching you, does the two years, was that med cycling to figure out what worked? Yeah, so I mean, that was like, two years, when I say two years, like, I was back on my feet.

I think I came back to New York. Well, that's because the rope broke. Yeah. But how did you get out of that, by the way? Did your mom come? Yeah. And my mom. And she undid the rope?

Because I don't have a clear, super clear memory of that time because I was just cycling meds and all sorts of crazy shoes. Wait, you don't remember tying it and making the choice. I remember that, but I don't have a super clear memory of like the whole chain of events and even that time in my life. It's like snippets, you know? Did you think it was going to work? That's what I don't. Yes. I think it was, that's what I don't really know is like how legitimate of an attempt it was.

Because like my mom was in the house, you know? like so I did I do think I was trying to kill myself but I also think like well I could have just driven to a bridge you know like they they were better ways so I don't I don't I don't really know how I don't know how like sincere of an attempt it was like I think it was but I don't and was it was it out of like hysterics or was it out of low so it was it was I had been Then prescribed this medication. What medication? I don't, can people sue you if you say bad things about medicine?

No way. It was a thing called Vralar, and it just did not. It's an antipsychotic. I've seen commercials for that. And, like, I'm sure many people have had fucking great success. It, like, bugged me out, and I wasn't. It's so scary. I didn't realize at the time.

I just thought I was getting crazier. So I didn't put two and two together. Like when you're in that state, I didn't say, oh, this medicine is fucking me up. I just thought, oh, I'm getting crazier. And so I hadn't slept. When that happened, I hadn't slept like a wink for five days. Oh. And so I was just like, I was like, I was just.

That's the Clancy lady. Yeah, I was just. Who killed her kids. Right. I was just pacing my parents. And so it was like, and I think this is a lot of. are people who commit suicide? Like, it wasn't at all about not wanting to live or like, it was like I needed the way

I was feeling to stop. Right. Like, immediately. Like, I was in just like. Was it like panic constantly? It was like a horrific nonstop panic attack that was like, that felt like terror. And I was just like, this has to stop, you know? Like, it wasn't like, I want to die.

It was like, I got to feel. They got a way to make this stuff. Can I ask something? They eventually did. They eventually did. Were you telling people this? Were you seeing doctors? Yeah.

Well, so it all happened so fast. It all came on so quick because I was like, so I got diagnosed with depression or whatever and anxiety when I was, I don't know, 20 or something. And I was just on Lexapro. And it just worked for, I don't know, how well. It just worked for 14 years, and then it just stopped working. And when it stopped working, everything had gotten way worse. Like I went, I was like freaking out and in these constant panic attacks, and I was like, I know what I'll do.

And I went to the track by McCarron Park, and I just ran. And I was like, if I run for long enough, my body, it'll have to go away because I'll be so, tired. I ran for like six hours just running like slow but like for like and then nothing changed and that's when I was like I got to I got to go home. What year was this? I think 2016 15 16 maybe and then yeah that happened and then they make you go to the psych ward which is I think a good thing but that's a crazy place to be and then I went to I was lucky at the time uh I had good, it was like Obama, I had good insurance. So I went to like an actual mental hospital.

I was there for a long time. And then nothing was getting better. And then they did the electroconvulsive therapy, which that's a wild thing. Because I'm not gay no more. Yeah. My problem was I was straight. So I woke up and I was like, I'm gay now. Take me back to the sauna.

I knew something was making all these boys gay. Come on. Sweat it out. But it's a crazy thing because it's very effective. Like if you read up on it, it's more effective than antidepressants. And it got a- Electric shock therapy? Yeah, it got a bad rap from one flew over the cuckoo's nest.

It's not like that. But what's crazy is nobody knows how it works. Oh, really? Yeah. So what happened was like a magician. Yeah. I can ask magician. So this French guy, like years ago,

that was like the world's leading expert on epileptics, just noticed that any of his patients that were sad when they had a seizure, they were for quite some time after the seizure, not sad. And so the whole point, they're not trying to fix your brain or anything like that. All they're doing is inducing seizures. That's weird And what they do It's really weird what they do

Because they don't want to give you a seizure So they give you a muscle relaxing But they turnicet one toe So they can check if a seizure is happening So they like They hold it still To be like And they're like yeah that's a seizure

It's working Whoa Yeah it's weird But I don't remember anything Because they put you under So I don't Oh they put you under Oh yeah

You can blast you with it. Yeah, they put you under. And then you come out and you felt better? No, didn't really work. Good, good, good, good, good. But it's... Did you try ketamine therapy? So, they go, they go, all right, this is not working.

We're going to do the electroconvulsive therapy with a ketamine infusion. And then that... James. And then that... Oh, that... Yeah, James, I'm only talking about when I killed myself. I'm doing ketamine and electroconvvvvvvvvvvvig. And you're like, we hear like,

E, er, E, er, E, er. Is anyone feeling sad right now? Yeah, don't feel sad. I'm so good. Like, it's interesting. I saw help.

It's okay, Glenn. Sorry. You shocked your boy. No, he's here. Police have ever tased like a depressed guy. He's been like, oh, I feel better.

Bro, why didn't they tase that woman who was literally coming at them like this? They did tase her. Yeah, but he didn't. But also my thing is like, yo, they could have literally just, like, put a guy behind her, like, a fratfall and then pushed her over. It was, so, so sad. It's so sad. Every comedian knows jujitsu and not one cop knows how to take a fucking knife away.

Well, and not only that, like, but she was like... Did you see her? It's like, just kick her in the chest. Just kick her. That's all you need to do, kick her. What a banana peel on her. She's down. It's like, I get it.

She killed someone. There's like horrible. There's like five cops around her. Yeah, but why didn't someone's, like, a little tiny? like throwing the ground. I mean. Oh, it was so. Or hit her with a club or something.

Yeah. Like electric shock therapy or... Ketamine. Kiss her. Kiss her. Why not a kiss her? Get her a nice kiss on the lips. She wanted a kiss.

It's really sad that the 32-year-old died and the 68-year-old lived. I don't mean that the 68-year-old does not matter. I'm really happy that he lived, but the 32 is so young. That's so sad. Well, it's most sad. But how did they, how does she, isn't it kind of hard to stab somebody? Or did she have those special knives? Well, she had, they showed the knives there.

They were, uh, looked like a really nice set. They did look like. One butcher's knife and one, it was like from a set of kitchen knives. It did look like a set that you'd get on internet. One was like the chef's knife. Yeah, you could cut two pennies like a, like a ginsu knife. Anyway, you took ketamine therapy and did you? Yeah, that didn't work.

I think. Have you thought about charges the police with a couple knives? I think what ended up working was just, Just like, it's interesting, like back, like. Jesus? Yeah, I found God. I found God in a sauna. He's in all of us.

No, I think just time, like, like, when they used to throw people in asylums, like, people with mood disorders, not, not like, schizophrenic. Schizophrenia, you have schizophrenia. Like, people with mood disorders used to just get better, like, over time. I think it was just a combination of time. How old were you? I was 34 when this happened. Yeah. Were you smoking weed?

No, I've been sober since I was 23. So even in therapy, you didn't find some sorts of trigger or anything? For this? I, so I've found in therapy a lot of help and a lot of, like, things in my life I've had to work on. Yeah. I definitely feel that this is a chemical. A chemical. Yeah.

That part of it. Like, it's like, yeah, I got, I have, for sure, have issues and I work on them in therapy. That's incredibly hard, too, because it just comes on. And I don't know about you, but for me, I get so mad at myself that I feel so low. And there's nothing that's making me feel that way. It's just one day, snap, I'm low and I can't get out of it. And I've had to learn to make friends with it. And like you said, time.

It passes in time. But it just comes on out of nowhere, and that's the most frustrating thing. Because if it was a certain behavior, you know, or trigger, you could focus in, hone in, and get rid of that trigger. But then when it just comes out of nowhere, it's almost like, it's so fucking debilitating. I would also argue the, like, willy-nilly meds that, you know,

that, like, sent you into it. It's, like, I'm such. And nobody said get off the meds or like. They did. I mean, we were trying to, like, and I'm, I'm such a proponent of psych meds. I think, I think they do, they save people's lives. Yeah. But they also.

The brain is so fucking complicated, but it's such a, like, and I never want to be a person who's like, don't try psych meds if you need them. No, I'm all for. It's just like such a roll of the dice. I'm for the ones that are like, yeah,

I'm scared of the ones that are just like, yeah, but you could get serotonin syndrome, and that can make you go fucking insane. And, you know. That's like way high dose. Well, yeah. That's like taking SSRIZs and doing Molly.

Well, I mean, dude, I was on 200 milligrams of fucking Zol. loft like that's a super high fucking dose you know that's what so that's this is becoming too serious but that that's why they took the lexapro eventually stopped

working I saw a new doctor and and she was she was like oh who put you on this much lexapro and I was like I don't know I just saw she was like this is insane and she was like cut it down to the regular dose

And that helped. No, that's when it stopped working. And it's like, I don't blame her because it's like, you know, it was some old school doctor who knows you can mess around with that stuff a little bit and, like, put me on four times the normal dose or whatever. I can't remember. It was so long ago. But the doctor who eventually, like, helped me get healthy, he was the best because he was, like,

a fucking old guy. And he was just like a Freudian trained, like a talk psychiatrist, like how it should be. Like, it's so crazy. that you need a psychiatrist for medicine and a therapist to talk to. Like he was just like, there's not many people like him anymore. He was a psychoanalyst.

Yeah, he was a psychoanalyst. And he was a therapist. When, when, uh, when, uh, he was like, I don't,

I don't, I don't, I don't think many, like therapists are as straight as they should be sometimes. Like as, as, as, as,

as, as, like, like he, um, when, when I was going through, uh,

my breakup with my daughter's mom and had, I was having to move to Maine and stuff. Because I was still seeing him. I was like, I was like, oh, I'm getting really, I'm getting really depressed again. And he was like, oh, no, you're, your life's shitty. Yeah, yeah. It's like, there is, like, and I feel like that's an important thing. And I was like, oh, yeah, you're right.

This is a normal sadness. He was like, no, no, no. He was like, you should be very sad. Your life is shit right now. And I was like, oh, okay. And then I was like, God, I feel. better like I'm not you know there's an explanation that's awesome yeah yeah I have a therapist that's a straight suit Alan who sees all the comics yeah and it hits you it does get you it's good

yeah it takes you out of it yeah that's why I'm very for like just being radically honest like if somebody just like the tiptoeing about around people's emotions if you just say to them like yeah man you're fat that's why you're sad or like yeah you don't do that like it does help yeah it was dr bill yeah dr bill yeah I was talking to one of my friends and they have a really, one of their siblings is like super overweight. And I was like, just don't be mean to them about it. Like my sister was mean to me about it. And he was like, yeah, but now look, you lost all that weight.

And I was like, you're right. Tell them they're fat pig. That's the thing with, you know, getting sober. It's like if you tiptoe around it, you can almost like enable. But like, that's why I think at times a balanced drip of shame is good because you have to be told. hey, you're fucking up. Like, this is fucked. And what you're doing is wrong.

And if I didn't have shame and people in my life that were like, you're a fucking asshole, then you could stay stuck for a while. But that's also way different when it's a chemical imbalance and you can't get out of a hole. But like you said, talking about, you know, what's going on externally and him being like, yeah, you are supposed to be fucking sad. Yeah, yeah. You're like, sucks. And you can get out of it.

but you have to recognize that that's what it is. Right. Right. I think I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I actually just have PMDD, but it is, when I am in it, it is like so obvious that I am in the psychosis. Like I'm every,

I have, I'm dissociative to a level that, like, everything is comically, is, like, ridiculous. Like, every object is, like, so unrelated to me and so, like, goofy. And I'm, like, everything's a set. And I'm, like, on this weird. flimsy play production set and all the houses seem like tiny and the people in them are very close like it's like being on acid and I'm like this is crazy that I just have to ride this out like I'm just being overtaken by psychosis yeah yeah it's why it's well also it's also crazy that there's no answer for that in terms of medication or any sort of like I don't know what research has been done but it's like there's one guy who's a PhD need like a boner like to grow up

hair than the doctors They'd figure that out. You have something for you but you're like Well I'm a woman and I go through this And they're like Ha! You're just talking. Deal with it touch. It's hormones.

They have no idea how to deal with them at all. It's crazy. Well, it's also in terms of pain There's still no marker for pain. They still use a scale from 1 to 10 What's your pain level? Like there's no actual intrinsic marker for They still use the smile chart.

I was going to say even for adults They use like the smile chart. And it's just like... It's really weird when they go one to ten. I'm like, that is... First of all, you're putting me in more pain because of the etherealness of this question is, like, freaking me out almost.

I also, unrelated, it's always very strange to me that, like, I have it to LaGuardia, but like all the newer airports have the smiley face or the fronny face to rate the bathroom. And I'm like, neither. You know what I mean? It did not bring me joy,

nor are terribly disappointed. Who's leaving a public restroom It's like, dude, I'm going to tell people this. I feel better leaving than when I came in. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. I, uh, they got, they got, I got in trouble.

Not in trouble. There's no real trouble, but they were mad at me in the psych ward because I was like, uh, trying to cure people with schizophrenia because like my, go on. So, because all the doctors are like denying your delusions, you know, and, and, and, and, Are you tried to Oliver Sacks their asses? What did Oliver Sacks? Who's Oliver Sacks? Oliver Sacks is like this famous brain guy, right?

He's like, yeah, he's a famous doctor who would be like, what are you hearing? And they'd be like, I'm hearing singing. And he'd be like, how's it sound? And they're like, it's beautiful. And they're like, you're fine then. Oh, you don't mind it. Yeah, I'm much like the genius, Oliver Sack. So what I would do, so there's this kid that I was friends with that had schizophrenia,

which is like brutal to see up close because it's just, it's just, it's a whole. It's a terrible disease, but his big delusion was Kingpin Ray. He just went to high school with some kid named Ray, but in his delusion, it was Kingpin Ray was going to rape and murder his sister. That was his delusion. We've got to stop him. Couldn't get, couldn't get off of it. Couldn't, you know, it was like. Don't tell me you helped this kid plant a caper to find Ray.

No, well, because Kingpin Ray doesn't exist. So it's just a guy named Ray. So, you know, the doctors, they're in a healthy way telling you, you know, that's not real. I was like, this doesn't seem to be working. So I pulled him aside one day and I was like, hey, man, I made some calls. You're not going to have to worry about Ray. And he was like, what? Did you have him killed?

And I was like, I don't want to make you, I don't want to bring you into this. Just he's taken care of. And I walked away and he was like happy for two days. then he got a new delusion. But I implied I killed... You put out a little fire for it. They made me stop because I started doing it with all of them. Really?

Yeah, I was like, I was taking care of all sorts of imaginary problems through murder. Through murders that didn't actually happen. Was that a sign to them that like, oh, he's back, he's good, or were you in psychotic too? Well, they were like, why are you doing? And I was like, I was a guy, he's worried about Ray. He took care of it. And they were like, no, that's not. helpful.

And it's like, he's playing foosball. Looks helpful to me, you know? He's in the day room watching TV. But that's so scary to be like, were they questioning your sanity in that moment? Like to be called crazy while you're trying to explain you're not crazy is such a crazy. Oh, the scariest thing. Scary, like lost, hopeless feeling. So I think they knew that whatever I had was like a mood disorder with.

Because the psych ward, the psych ward's different from the mental hospital. Like the mental hospital, like if you have insurance or able to get into like a private mental hospital or decent mental hospital, they're separating people by, you know, like, mood disorders. Yeah. But the psych ward, there's no funds, you know. It's just like there's people in there. who the jail just sent over because they seemed crazy. So it's like, I mean, there were later- There were catatonic people that like just could,

like one time I get one time in the psych where this dude just like pointed at my pizza and was like, mm-mm, and I was like, oh, you want some pizza, man? And then he ate it and he just projectile vomited everywhere. And the nurse goes, you know you can't give food to David. What? I was like, what do you? You meet? First of all, no, I didn't know that.

Second of all, what do you mean you can't give food to them? You're such a sweet man to be in a psych ward because you're at the frayed ends of your own sanity and at the same time you're trying to help others. Yeah. That's incredible. Well, but because it was like the thing, they lump everyone in in the cycle. So it's like I knew. I knew I was going through something really bad and that I was crazy.

The really, you know, I don't want to say crazy in a bad way. but the really crazy people, they don't know their crazy. Like, if you have schizophrenia, you don't really know. I know. You believe it, you know? Are they trying to be like,

let me the fuck out of here? Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, and I was, too. There was times where I was, like, trying to get out of there, too. But, yeah, people are trying to escape. They, they still have, like, they're different.

They look different. They, like, but they still have straight jackets. Like, they will, because people will, like, there's dudes in there just, like, punching themselves. And they're like, that's, you got to stop that. What are they? Since you were so good in the psych ward, did they give you, like, a Letterman varsity stray jacket? Yeah.

I was like, could you put a number on the back? Yeah. How long were you in the psych ward? I was in and, this is where it gets blurry. Psych wards, they don't do much, you know? They just kind of hold you. It's like a holding place. Yeah, they just kind of hold you to they think you're not going to kill yourself.

So, like, I was in and out of the psych ward a few. times and like I was I'm so Did it become cheers for you where everybody knows your name? Because it was different ones I wish it was different ones but I was lucky I'm so lucky in that my mom my mom she's retired now but she's a nurse her whole life

and so my mom was like very very like you know and it's it's like embarrassing as a 35 year old man or whatever was to have to like rely But my mom was like, no, like, we're going to figure this out and, like, found the hospital and, like, did the insurance. Like, like, because I was just like, I was like, I'm going to just fucking, you know, ride this out, see what happens. And so I was lucky. And I was, I was thinking about that.

Like, like, there's a lot of people that don't have that. How so many people end up on the street. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's where I would have, like, if I did not have that to go home to, like, I don't, you know, I have so many comic friends in New York that. love me but when I was in that state I don't know that I would have showed up on their doorstep you know like I mean it was so

did you get weird on stage I did not I was getting panic attacks on stage and then I just stopped and I stopped yeah that'd be like a different level of psychotic to be doing comedy during all this yeah and and what's funny now is because like I'm not cured

I'm just I'm just better have learned better and have learned like what I need to do to take care of myself and all these things but like I have panic I occasionally it hasn't happened a while but I occasionally will have like a full on panic attack on stage and it's just like I've been through so many of them that it's just like the the jokes go on muscle memory I freak out in my head a bit but I know like it's gonna go away it's the worst thing it's the worst I'll get them randomly and it's just like yeah you're like now I don't get to have one second of fun up here.

I just have to like play the script right while in my thoughts are like three feet away for me being like what if you did it this? What if you did this? What if you fainted? And I'm like it's so the only thing that pulls me out of them which is crazy is crowd work. Yeah well yeah because you're

it's funny when like real world like the first time this is weird. I worked in a salmon canning factory in Alaska and my brother was up there work to in some like AmeriCorps thing i don't know but i lived stinky stinky it didn't smell good but uh there's this uh me and my brother lived in this little cabin and and you're supposed to take your

garbage to the dump and uh my brother the car my brother had didn't work and i didn't know this but he had just been putting the garbage under the cabin and so Jesus Christ so he left he was gone for a while and this was i don't know i was like 20 And it was the first time I'd ever tried to get sober unsuccessfully. I'd also quit the Lexa Pro. And it was like kind of the first time in my life, I went a little crazy. Like it was, and you're working crazy hours at a salmon candy factory. And it's light out all the time.

Like, Alaska is the perfect place. Alaska isn't seen. Like, there's just bald eagles around like pigeon. Like people are all quite odd. Yes. Because they're northern, but they're also west coast. So they're like weird, almost like dumb. It's strange.

It's really weird. It's really strange. So I was like really freaking out. And I was like, okay, I'm going to walk to the airport, get a flight to Anchorage, and get a flight home. Walk. Yeah, because it was like a village. Like it was like a tiny little. Because I was just fucking freaking out.

I opened the door. The reason you're supposed to take your garbage and dump are cabin surrounded by bears. And all of a sudden, my panic went away. Because it was real, it was a real problem. And my brain was like, oh, fuck, bears. And like, so like a real... Dude, I, summer 2020, I didn't sleep for 52 hours. I was in a situation with someone that I was being held hostage by weaponized suicide.

It was the most horrific experience. I ended up in the hospital, had a panic attack, blacked out, came to, on the street in Brooklyn in my underwear, no shoes, shirt, no glasses, and I'm having a panic attack going, I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe, and I walk by a group of brothers, and they go, the fuck you mean, you can't breathe? What you mean? You're talking about George Floyd?

And I, those were my wearing clothes. And I snapped out and I was like, no, no, BLM, brother, it's all right. Oh, my friend of just panic attack. I just kept going. I took myself to the hospital. Also, a panic attack voice probably sounded like your mock. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

You fucking baby. Deal with it. Yeah, and then human bears shut up at my door. And I was like, oh, God, I'm so sorry. I have a bit about that word. That's why I always engage in toxic relationships. Because if a guy is being mean to me, I can't think about existential issues. It becomes my bear.

Where if a guy's being like you're a piece of shit, I'm like, you know I forgot about death. Yeah. You know, when a bunch of teens and grow men surround you going, you're talking shit

about George Floyd? You really learn how to drop your shit and become more caring about the world around you. It's crazy. Well, that's what anxiety is. You get your hackles up

so that you can be defensive when you feel predation around you. Did it help having a kid? Yes. So much because, like, I mean, it helped everything because it's funny like,

you know, like, This job we have is so, you and I were talking about this before the podcast, but there's so much like... I told you not to tell everyone about my penis. But go ahead. It looks like a lollipop. It's cramble. Thorning.

It's a chipmunk in the thrush. You ever see an owl in the center of a tree? There's roughage, and it is not pubes. It's real roughage. But it's so crazy having a kid. Like there's some, we do, I don't know, I shouldn't say we, I do so much comparison with other comics and whatever, what I've done, what I haven't done, all this stuff.

And then you have a kid and then it's so much simpler because it's like, oh, like, I just have to feed her and keep her safe. Like, it simplifies everything. Because you're, all of a sudden there's this way bigger priority where you're just like, yeah. I mean, I don't give a fuck if I do like that festival or that show. Like, if I have to go take a job in a warehouse, that's what I'll do. Like, no big deal, you know?

Like, it's just such a, for me, at least, it's such a bigger, broader thing. It's a real thing. It's a real thing. A thing that matters so much that I realize, like, oh, this shit. Like, I love my job. I'm grateful I get to do my job. But it is a job, you know? Like, it's art, but it's, I do art for a job.

It's a trade. Yeah. Literally, I need trade for food for child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm like, this is the thing I can trade. And like the same with the mental health stuff. It's like, yeah, like I could be having a down day, but she's going to come into my bed at 6.45 a.m. And she needs breakfast.

You know what I mean? Like, so it's like, you know. That's your bear. Yeah. In the past where I would be like, I'm going to fucking stay in bed all day. It's like, well, I can't. Like we got to go to the playground. It's the best.

Getting a dog changed my life entirely. I'm just having a little dog be like, yo, get the fuck up. And you're like, all right, all right. Can I say something really weird?

Can you say something really weird? Because they crawl up next to me and they don't need to go out. And they're just like, I'm going to lay here with you. Look at this. Okay, you want to know something weird?

So cute. You know how when you get back into recovery or when you like start getting into recovery mode? Yeah. Weird synchronicity shit happens. Yes. Is it God or is it odd? Go ahead.

So, so I saw your thing online that you posted on Instagram. Yeah. And my friend, was like oh Brendan Eyre just posted something on Instagram and I was like what is it because I We were excited or I thought it was gonna be a bit because I watched them and then he was like he was like It's kind of sad and I watched it and I read it and I was like you know what's funny this is like not Sad to me this is like very

Very refreshing in like a way of like air oxygen finally you know what I mean like just from all of this and then seeing that I was like damn it's actually crazy that somebody's able to penetrate this satanic algorithm with something that is like meaningful and then i texted me it was like oh brand and a nerds doing the podcast and i was like whoa well so that so i comment or reach out to them or just were you a observer of someone's hurting yeah yeah yeah you did and so it was funny i went nice glad you're having a hard time you'll never know if i'm liking it for good or bad yeah so it was funny so i the viewers i just i just posted kind of like kind of spilling my guts about where I was at in life. Over very beautiful.

Yeah, which is sort of like fine, but the things that were hard in my life. And Ian called me and we had just kind of a nice chat because like I think you and I are on the same wavelength in terms of like. You think you have the same shoes, pants, tattoos, and hat. Well, and glasses. Like you guys are literally. But also in terms of knowing, like, you knew that it wasn't like, it wasn't a problem. You were just like, all right, dude, what's going on? Like, you know, let's chat about it.

But I end up taking down because, like, oh, really? Because, like, 10 people called me, like, worried I was suicidal. Yeah, I wasn't calling, like, and you weren't at all. Blah, blah. No, you were just like, what's up, dude? Like, you know. Or I don't even, I think maybe we were just tech. Like, you got it.

Yeah. Like, all right, you know, but, and no, and I, I'm thankful for the people that call it. I'm not saying they're bad, but like, that wasn't what that was about. And so many people called and were like, are you all right, dude? It was nice because what you said in it is you were like, comedy has become about this thing that I'm not, that's fine, but I'm not really doing that. Yeah. And that was so refreshing because it is like, comedy has become something so different. And it was like, I don't know, it was just super honest.

And then in the end, you were like, I'm. okay. Yeah. I just figured I would put something up here that's like real as opposed to all the other bullshit. It's frustrating because of, unfortunately, because of the past and what we've divulged to the public, when you do share something like that, people automatically go to, you're on top of a bridge, I got to talk you down. And the reality is you're just expressing yourself. Right. And like, you're just being vulnerable. Yeah. And I'm, I. Also, maybe if it had been nine people, you would have been like, really, couldn't even get to 10? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm also very...

You start looking at the quality of the people. It's like, oh, come on. I'm also very much accepting of like, yeah, if you're a person that's openly talked about hanging yourself and then make a post about how you're sad, like you might get some phone, you know what I mean? Like, that's not on them. I posted a depression clip and so many fans were like,

just please stay around, don't die. And it was like, damn, I should... And it was... A part of me, like, in a way, it's almost like accountability because I've, you know, I've been so honest about being sober and everything. And like, yeah, I'd be lying if I said there aren't pangs of desire to get fucked up as a way of blacking out the world and responsibility and everything. And like, it's almost in a way of like, dude, if I fucking drank and relapsed, the amount of people that would be in my business would be so insurmountable to like, I wouldn't be able to. to even enjoy my relapse because I'd be like, I'm fine, leave me alone.

You know, and I wouldn't want all these like people in my business like blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, that's why you tell me. I'm grateful. It's very nice and everything. You have like the ultimate accountability, like greater than any sort of programmer. Like to have like a fandom of accountability. I mean, that's a lot of stress. Right.

But at the same time, it is. It is. But the, that's like on a macro level. on a micro level, being accountable to people around me and sponsees and stuff like that is like very, very important. I'm just saying like dealing with the public aspect of like people or fans being like, don't blah, blah, blah, blah, you know. I remember, I remember, I don't know if you remember this.

Like I think like your first week in the city we were running around together when I lived over with Megan and Luegen and. Lisa and I remember you were it was so funny because like I immediately vibe with you because I was like oh this person is like they're like I felt that you were anxious in the way that I was anxious sort of but it was so funny because it's so good to see you like come in to you because you were the same person but you just like you were it was almost like you were like you were like. hiding what you really wanted to be a little bit. Like I remember you, like, I don't know, you had like beat up shoes and you had that green plaid shirt. And you look like, you look kind of like a nerdy Jew. And now you've become a nerdy Jew. Hello.

But you, I was thinking about that when I was coming to do this podcast. I was like, I have this memory of us. I don't know how we met or why, but I remember. And it was years ago. I remember petting a Bengal cat with you at Pine Box Rock Shop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, no, I mean, I wasn't. Yeah, you used to be very shaky. I know, and I wasn't out. Yeah. I wasn't who I really was. No, you weren't. And I was like bursting with this part of me that I couldn't reconcile with the world. And I was almost like living such a lie that I couldn't.

It was such a stressor for me to go out into the world and not. be who I really was. And I was just, like, so tired of, like, masking and not being whatever I am, which is, like, a sensitive, queer little guy that just wants to have fun. And I, like, hated myself. I think you also didn't have a lot of, you were doing stuff that you knew you shouldn't be doing also. Well, yeah, I mean, behind the scenes, I was acting out in, like, very shameful ways.

Because all I felt was shame and, like, hate towards myself. two chili filly cheese steaks in front of me and you had a lot of shame yeah you house both of them very quickly and then you basically were like what are you judging me and i was like no no no yeah so it was like sex stuff but also just well yeah i mean i can use shame in whatever way to like you know um it's weird how if you cut shit out of your life like if you let go of shit that you know you shouldn't be doing it's so weird how much you're like blood pumps more evenly well yeah especially if you're not clogging your arteries with yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i appreciate you saying that thank you yeah yeah like i had like it's so weird like i had such a uh like when i told my mom what i was she started crying

and she was like uh like not like she was like upset or disappointed she was just like i knew there was such a intense sadness behind your eyes and i just never knew what it was And that sadness is still there, but it's not, it's chemical now. It's not so much like a shame or hatred or like screaming on the inside, wanting to be who I am and feeling that I can't be because of I thought people would like hate me or like not want me in their life anymore, you know. Yeah, I never met you before you were out. When I met you were, I think just out.

Yeah. This would have been, when did you move to New York? Well, I moved here for school in 2003. Yeah, this was like later on. In 2008 and I came back in 2012 for comedy. Yeah, this would have been like 20, because I was here in 2010. Yeah, I think it was like 2013. Yeah, it would have been right around then.

Yeah. Why was there a tiger at Pine Box? It was a Bengal cat. Oh. Yeah, yeah. What's that? Like, it's almost like a tiger cat, but it's an elongated cat. It's got stripes and it's, it does these calls.

They're like, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I enjoy that your, I enjoy your patience in that you thought there was an actual tiger. I held it together. At a bar in Brooklyn and you waited. I wanted you to have your moment and all I've been doing is going, you guys pet a tiger? Where did you pet a tiger? How'd you pet a tiger?

And love tigers. Oh, yeah, before you moved here, there were tigers and pine back rocks out all the time. Everyone knew me and Brandon Bonnet over tigers. Yeah, New York was different. New York was different. There were tigers running around. Packers everywhere. He believed it.

Yeah. Pinebox, I used to get panic attacks before doing the open mic and just shit my brains out in that bathroom. But then you came out and you realized every open micer was doing the same thing. Yeah. It was really fine. I'm staying in a hotel right by there and I was like, I pulled up their website because they have an open mic every night.

And I was like, maybe I'll go to Pinebok rock, Pinebox rock shop for like just nostalgia. And then a media is like, fuck. No. into that place. Yeah. Never again. I never put together

the pine box is a coffin. Well, so I just went to their website today to look because I was like, I'm staying across the street. And it used to be a coffin maker.

That's why the bar is called back. What's a coffin? A pine box. There's a pie box with my name. There's a plot for you and me. Foundation Devotion 3. Yeah, and it used to be a coffin maker. That's crazy.

Coffin makers. Yeah, dude, one of my fondest memories at Pine Box Rock Shop. was Steve Whalen, Mr. Jokes, recording an album. And he was intentionally juicing it, repeating jokes that he was not getting the reaction he wanted because it was going on tape.

And it was the funniest fucking thing in the world. I got such a kick out of him. And it was scary to never know if he was in on the bit or not. I still don't know. I still don't know. I don't know if anyone know. Dude, I played a gig in Philly. and it was a good good comedy theater

fuck Aaron and whatever that fucking bitch's name was but anyway In Philly? Yeah they never booked me, fuck them No no they fucking turned on Shane Those pieces of shit and they didn't They banned me because I was on fucking Comtown like what fucking losers anyway

And guess what one of them got me tuned And the other doesn't work anymore Sucks to suck always happens The wokenest people are the worst Comedy Attic guy He got me tuned. I hated that guy. I don't know who that is.

He's that guy with the glasses who his office was the green room, so you had to sit with this punisher? I don't know that guy. Comedy Attic? I thought you meant comedy A-D-D-I-C-T. No, not that. Like a writer guy, like a review guy. No, comedy attic.

Anyway, I was playing a gig with Dr. Katz, and Steve Whalen drove down. And Dr. Katz, I go, are you staying? Like, I was closing out the show. show, Dr. Katz had to go early because he had a bedtime. And I go, are you staying for the whole show? Do you want to hang afterwards? He goes, well, I'm here to see Dr. Katz.

I've seen what you do. I can leave after you. I was like, respect. Respect. That's funny. Yeah, man, that guy was a good guy. R.I.P. Steve Whalen. How did you guys?

The vaccine. Yeah. No, I don't know. That's right. So you're promoting your special on podcast while you're... Yeah, I'm doing podcasts. I also just need to come to New York more often. Did you drive?

No, I flew. How long is it? How long is it? The drive's like eight hours, eight hours? I don't know. I flew. Yeah, I mean, I could have drove, I guess, but... It's too long for us, Max.

But, you know, I got that... High roller lobster, best place to eat in Portland, Maine. Yeah, high roller is good. Although it's funny, like, living there now, everyone, like, when I go on the road, people are like, you must eat so much lobster. And it's like, I mean, it's in restaurants and grocery. It's the same lobster situation you have. Wait, I was just in Portland. The place I was talking about upstairs that was too woke was Burlington.

The Portland audiences were actually sick. Yeah, you were at, I was just there. You were at Empire, right? The club? Yeah. The upstairs from the Chinese food place? Oh, yeah. Empire's great.

Shout out Empire Comedy Club. No. Fantastic. I was at a theater. You're at a theater. Yeah. Okay. But I don't know which one.

The fucking State Theater? Revolution Hall? There's a few. I don't know. It was Revolution Hall. Crazy. I don't know what happened to that place. But Burlington is where they were mean to the Republican.

Oh, okay. Not Portland. Okay. Got it. Portland rules. Oh. Kiki. That's where my lesbian godmother lives. Let's wrap up.

Wait. What's the special call? Yeah, I was just going to say, tell everyone about it. It's called Alive and Well. It's on 800-pound Gorillas YouTube channel, but you can just Google Brendan Air, E-Y-R-E-R-E, Alive and Well. It'll come up. Yeah, tour dates on my website, Brendan Ayer.com. That's about it.

And where can they find you on social media? Air Bud, E-Y-R-E-B-U-D on Instagram. It was kind of a pun. back when Instagram wasn't that serious. And now I feel like it should have... I know, but nobody knows. I pronounce my name, you know? So I really blew it.

No, you're great. It's good. It's good. I don't... Thank you, guys. It's good. I'm Eye Animal 6-9. That's great, though.

Like, let me ask you this. Yeah. Very much in my head. Did I make this podcast too serious? You did, and we're probably going to edit it. When they leave. Because at some point we talk about something serious, You absolutely did not.

It was funny. I disagree. You boofed. You did. Boof is not. You boofed. It's biffed. You biffed and boofed.

It's something you do with cocaine. You're getting your butt or something. You butted it up. You're a real asshole. It was great. Oh, you're the best. It was funny. It was silly.

It was heartfelt. It was deep. It was interesting. That's what the show is, man. It was no ass magic. It was no ass magic next week. Like an ass magician. We pulled it out.

We made it work. Actually, watch the special. He is the best. It's insane. Yes. And your ability to take such horrific, tragic, personal things and turn it into humor that is not awkward for people to imbibe, but an experience that is cathartic and funny is something I admire and truly wish to be as a comic.

And I look to you as someone who has perfected that in such an incredible way. That's the full all-out truth. Oh, thanks so much, man. You're welcome. Thank you both for having me. This is so good. You're the comics comic's comic of all comics. That's huge.

And after this special, you're going to be the people's comic. Yes. But this man is beloved in the comedy community. Everybody aspires to be capable of doing what he's doing. And we're not just saying this because he is capable of, we mean it. We really mean. We can't be the reason. Tell him, what's up?

Um, buy tickets to the Beacon Theater November 12th for New York Comedy Fest. That's number one. And then I'm on tour for the rest of my life. All tickets on punchup. Live slash Jordan Jensen. Eamfinance.com for all my dates. November 5th to 7th. Helium Philly.

Let's sell it out. Pittsburgh Improv at the end of the years. Let's sell that out. I got dates all in between. We're loading up 27. Ianfinance.com. YouTube.com slash Ian Finance Comedy. Ian doing a guy doing odd jobs out every other Tuesday

And I have a new show coming out called Ian help Where you leave a message and I don't respond to that I call you because I'm desperate to fucking help out I Animal 6 sign on Instagram and patreon.com slash be an Ian pod We love you so much support Brendan support Everybody you can and we'll see you next time bye bye If you were thinking about killer yourself call 1-800 don't do that or whatever 9-1-1-1

1-800, don't do that. 1-800 don't even think about it. Stop it. Stop it. 1-800, cut it out. But when you cut, the thing you cut with me, it's an adult, please. All right, bye-bye.