Bein' Ian With Jordan - The Return Of The Girl King W/ Sal Vulcano & Jeremiah Watkins | Bein' Ian with Jordan Episode #166

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

MOMMY'S FINALLY HOME!!! Jordan returns from the road to join Ian and guests Sal Vulcano & Jeremiah Watkins to talk about Jordan's time on the road, Ian's mentor relationship with a young boy (it's fine), & the whole gang gives their take on the highs and lows of comedy success. Plus, is producer James TOO HOT (no)? Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -Rula patients typically pay $15 per session when using insurance. Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/IAN #rulapod -F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code FIENDCLUB15 at https://www.theperfectjean.nyc/FIENDCLUB15 #theperfectjeanpod #ad Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Sal here: https://www.instagram.com/salvulcano Follow Jeremiah Here: https://instagram.com/jeremiahstandup Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being in Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being in

Being in And life is shit with you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live alive Being in With Jordan So she took me out Well, we went out together And she helped me pick out these outfits

At like Levi's and Doc Martin and Timberland and blah blah And each outfit she styled me in She took pictures and sent them to me to be like What do you think of this? Bub, blah, blah. And then I have started to mentor a Spanish boy

You're a mentee I'm a mentee To a Spanish boy And if I don't work out I'm a manatee Wait How did you establish that For my travel show

I go and do these jobs People teach me their job And then I do the job And I did a pizza shop In Oklahoma City And the guy employs A bunch of like young Disadvantaged kids

And this kid God bless His Mexican Mexican. Yeah. This kid, his friends keep getting taken by ice and he like won't go to school. And like he and I kind of bonded over, you know, being like bad kids. And he didn't have a dad and me neither. And so like, you know, he really liked my belt. I was like when I go to Austin, I'll, I'll pick you up a belt. But you got to go to school. Bapap. So we've been like staying in touch just like he's been telling me about like school and stuff, whatever. I don't know. I don't know. How do you mentor a kid? I don't know. But I'm just trying to be like. Is he trying to be sober? Very carefully. No. What is he trying to be? He doesn't know what he wants to do when he's older. Yeah, but what does he need mentoring on? Like how to stay out of drugs? How to stay out of trouble, like to not do drugs.

Like a general life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his name's Santos. And I was texting with my friend, Sanaz, who's a girl. She lives in L.A. Her name is Sanaz. His name is Santos. His name is Santos.

Her name is Sanos. So Santos text me a picture of the belt. and goes, the bell came. I'm so excited. And I was like, dude, send me a picture of you rocking the belt. I bet you're going to love it. Did you get my note? Because I wrote him a note that was like, hey, I got you another belt,

but I'm only sending it when you show me your grades. I did not think grades was going to be that word. Well, my dear sweet, Jordan, hold the phone because I thought at the same time I was talking to my friend Sanaz. She's like, send me the pictures of your outfits. And I go, okay. So I send them And she was like

Hey, they never went through And I was like, well, I sent them And I look at my phone Tell me you sent it to Santos I sent five pictures of me In different outfits to Santos After I said I can't wait to see you in your bell

Did you read my note? Here's me He's 17 And then I kept Not that God, no thank God You're touching Sanaz, listen to me You stay in school He's a boy, he's 17

He's not appropriate He's maddened He's legal tender. No, he's not legal. I don't want to talk to anyone who's a teen in that way. And I'm not grooming him, like being a big brother. That's funny, dude. So I immediately was like, those weren't for you.

They weren't for her friend, Santos. I'm sorry. But I started crying, laughing, just picturing me being like, Santos, you better stay in school. Five outfit options. Look at these five belts. Dude, and I'm like posing. I'm like, dude, it is so.

So now is getting the other text. She's like, Why are you telling me to stay in school? Maybe that's a sign that you shouldn't be mentoring. Well, yeah. The kid needs. A text to miss help. It's a text to missap.

There's going to be a lot of those, and they're going to get worse. I didn't know a belt could be such a motivator. Yeah. Yeah. Like, this kid's getting an education. In the belt, like, flexing. And I was like, no, stop toast. No.

Get out of here. Can I just say, I think you asking for a picture of him rocking the belt. is inappropriate. Yeah, you know, okay, so it's not, but something impinged in me when you said it. Something pinged. I was like, is that bad? It was very sweet, actually.

And I appreciated it. But then I was also like, because it's got like a buckle with like designs and stuff. Yeah, yeah. I'm actually going to say there's no world in which that's okay. See, I think that's fucked up

because we are. Send me a picture in the belt. Daddy sent you a belt. Now I want to see a picture in it. No, no, no. No, you're fucked up, you're fucked up because I am trying to innocently groom a boy. You are getting in the way.

Actually, dressing him is grooming him. Right, in a way, aren't you? Oh, it's quite a lot. I'll give you a gift if you stay in school. But I'm saying you're actually literally grooming him. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're right. Because he's dressing him.

So he is grooming him. And you gave him like a thing that holds his pants up. I don't know. Yeah. If it was sneakers. Maybe. You know, there's something about the midwaists. Pants is even a little.

Yeah, something in the midsection. It's because it is, it is targeting the midsection. It is. And it's the thing that holds the nudity away. Yeah, I think you've got to go shoulders up or ankles down on request. I agree. I was 17 year old boys. Yeah.

Is it bad? I have been interpreting his dreams for him. Again. I'm kidding. It could be very strong. we that faces value you're in safe company but you know if it gets out the arrest some pictures of belts and telling them what his dreams mean that was a joke that was a joke there must be some truth to that joke was a dream told no no no no no so what does the

mentoring look like besides giving him hey how school hey uh what do you mean you skip school dude get your head on right like blah blah blah you know uh i know you don't know what you don't know want to do, but you need to get your GED because you'll be able to do whatever you want, blah, blah, blah. I just think you're your friends are bringing you down by trying to get you. Well, you know me. I don't like to follow the rules. You know, I'm a rogue, big brother. And you texting them, we might want to go through.

I know. Well, dude, even my fucking niece was texting me a while ago and I'm like, is this inappropriate? Like, I think we're so sick culture-wise. Like, this is a totally innocent thing. Yeah, right, right. And I'm, like, being told, like, no. you should and it's like well I'm not it's not like I'm like

Snapchatting him right I think that if a six if a 17 year old boy were texting me I would cut it off quick well I don't respond you might be a whole other level with the seventh year old boy yeah because you're a hot girl okay a 17 year old girl

I'd be like this is weird I wouldn't I wouldn't do that with the 17 I wouldn't be right you can't do with a 17 year old girl no if you would text me a 17 year old girl and you're like I gave you a brooch I don't know what What do they give to kids? A broach? A brooch?

I think gifts for children that you're not related to, quite odd. What year are you in? I got your brooch. Hey, I got you a gingham dress. What do you say? A brooch is a classy. It's a classy accoutremon. Can I tell you something?

Yeah. I don't know where to brooch is. Really? It's what you're thinking. Is it what you put in your hair? No. No, it's like basically like a glorified decorative pin. Yeah.

Oh. You know? Like a corsage. Of all different. Yeah, like a corsage, but like a, it could be. you know, metallic, made of metal, I should say. Nobody wears that. A brooch was an accent that people use, like,

an accessory for a very, very long time. Speaking of the accent, I'm helping Santos with his English. Right, right. But no, I said brooch for comedic effect. But I wouldn't think that if you were talking to a girl and asked her to send you a picture of the year, I wouldn't think the same.

Men with the men, women with the women, if it's an underage mentoring type situation. Yeah. I'm not ever going to text a young, girl, even my niece, I was like, ah, but this is just the dude. And that was all over the news. I know.

Was it 11? 11? You know that girl? What's her name? She's huge, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, but she's not 11 years old. No, but she was 11 on. Her character.

Remember Stranger Things? Oh. That's her character's name. But how old was she? No, she was like in her teens. But they were had, they had, but they were texting in like a friendship way. Yeah. And thought nothing of it.

And then, like, I think she mentioned they texted and everyone. I was like, hell no. Yeah, yeah. That's why we call him a pedophile? Just that? I never did. Do we call him that? People called him that.

I think we call him that. Oh, people do that? Yeah. You don't know. You know that. I look in you straight in the face. He struck a chord, a minor. Oh, right.

Yeah, but I just thought that was just like name calling for name calling sake. No, no, no. Oh, yeah. But is that referencing Millie Bobby. Blah certified pedophile? Is it, but is that referencing Millie Bobby Brown? Yeah. Oh, but that's.

Come on, that's a stretch. There's some other stuff, too. Well, that's stuff I don't know about. What about Chris DeLeo? Are we saying he's a pedophile? He's so funny. He's a creep. That's the problem.

Why is he so funny? No, he didn't do, he didn't. Wouldn't he be in jail? Huh? No, didn't he text? See, that's the problem. He's Snapchatted underage girls. I mean, it's the second they identify themselves as underage.

If you go forward after that, then you know how what could or else. But here's how I'm safe. You got to say, what are these intentions? This is just a, a boy. But when we're talking about the classic, like, when you talk about the- No, I don't fuck boys. I know, I know, but you've said that you're, you might as well be a woman because you've said that you swing both ways.

Yeah, but that's, but swinging both ways has nothing to do with going underage. That's, I don't swing that way. Hey, everybody, come see me on the road, Ianfinance.com. I am in Omaha, Nebraska, Tulsa, Oklahoma. Houston, Texas, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, New York Comedy Festival, New York City, November 9th, and then I'm at Skankfest, I'm in D.C.C. Vancouver. San Diego, end in the year, December 31st, two shows, American Comedy Company. What the fuck, James? January 8 through 10, Denver, Colorado, Uncasville, Connecticut, Emo's Not Dead Cruise at the end of January. I'm going all over. We're filling out dates for 2026 right now. Ianfinance.com for tickets. Punchup.

Dot live slash Jordan Jensen for her dates. Check out her special on Netflix. Take me with you. And subscribe to my YouTube for my stand-up and my travel show an odd guy doing odd jobs, Ian do. And that's at YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy.

Enjoy the rest of the show. You're mentoring a young boy who... I'm not mentoring. The guy that worked at the shop was like, I'm going to give him, he likes you, he looks up to you. I'm going to give him your number. Talk to him. This is a very nice thing.

This old sick brain is putting a spin on it. All I'm doing is looking out for your image. My image is great. What if this kid turns on you and shows these photos of the outfits that you sent? Well, that is kind of funny. That is kind of funny. Is there a way? Can we see the outfits?

Can we see the photos? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I need, because I need to see what the photos, what the poses were and what the actual outfit is. I said, go to school, dude. Did you read my note? You wrote you like it twice. Oh, did it?

No, no, no, no. I didn't have service, so it's sent again. Oh, sure, sure, sure. You like it? You like it? Oh, no. Ian, let me see the bell. I said, what can I do to help keep you in school?

I'll come out there and whoop your ass. Oh, no. That's like a mentory type thing, right? Is that bad? I think you need to Google mentor. Yeah. Yeah. Quick Google search of mentor.

And I said, go to school, dude. Did you read my note? And these are the pictures. Oh, my. I need to see. I can't see from there and I need to see. It's also you're taking them in the dressing room, which is as a level of. I said, oh, shit.

I sent those to you by accident. Ah, my bad dude, I meant to send that to a friend. Oh, that's never believed. Couldn't you unsend now? Isn't that a feature? Because I thought I sent it to my friend And then I go where you didn't get him And then I look and it did not have the option on

The thing that is helping amuse me even more Is that it's from within the dressing room Which adds a layer of intimacy You know what I mean? It's also the quantity of photos Yeah You have five is crazy My friends did Nas wanted the pictures

What was his response? Nothing He said aye looking fresh And then the next day he responded He was like Oh that's how that's how happened to me before, ha ha. Oh, another mentor sent him five photos

from within the dressing room. Because I think the kids, I don't know about this now. Now he's trying to make this normalize this. God, he's going to need a mentor to mentor him through you being his mentor. You know what I mean? Mentors are mentors here. I mean, you have to go through like a rigid thing in order to be a big brother.

They have to really check you for a lot of mental illness and you're just willy-nilly big brother. I feel like, okay, so that came through in a text, but he was in front of you. Like this is what it would have been like. Oh, no, that's okay, man. That's happened before. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, someone gave me this stuff squirrel of mean a dress. This is totally normal. Oh, no, I'm not helping my case. I'm an old creepy guy. That's awesome. That's really awesome. Is that a real?

Is that a real one? Yeah. Oh, it is. Oh, really? Yeah, isn't that cool? Is that like, is that like, um, I hope it's roadkill. I think it's roadkill, yeah.

Is it disrespectful to the squirrel? I think they'd ever find themselves just as a woman with a cigarette. It has a penis. Does it? Something. It is, it does have a little penis. Do you see my dog, James? Is this a real squirrel?

Morto deventi oddities out of Rhode Island. Yeah, it's a real squirrel. I think she's under the couch. It's a real squirrel with a pack of cigarettes. I don't know if I... Because sometimes I wear a dress on stage, so that's me. I don't know if I like it being a real squirrel. You know what?

It lived and now we're like, this is weird to me. I know. It's one thing to taxidermy, but when they dress it up. What about a rat on a toilet? He's a rat on the toilet. To throw it in bifocals and put a cigarette in his hands. Is that a real rat? Yeah.

A white rat? Yeah. I've never... Is that like an exotic rat? No. White rat. He's missing his hands. You choyate his hand.

No, you have? Yeah. Tell me that you. How many times you in life you see a white rat, ballpark? We had them. We had one. What do you had one? We had rats.

As a pet? We had to give them away. But, okay, so you purchased that. Yeah. They roam free, though? They're in the wild. No, no wild white rats. Oh, this is a breeded thing.

Someone probably purchased this and killed it for art. It's a lab rat. Yeah. Oh, lab rats are white lab coats. Yeah. This is a divisive topic. We need another point of view. I'm going to call Santos.

Santos is like, whatever you. I'm trying to tell him to get his GED and then go to trade school. That's like what I'm trying to do. Okay. The trade school is a good card to play. How do you, okay, how do you grade yourself? Do you feel like you're having a positive effect?

Like, do you feel a level of success in your mentorship so far with him? I don't know. I mean, the guy who runs the shop is like he really looks up to you like you really don't know That's awesome. I have a relationship like this with him. I'm realizing. And there's another kid at the shop who I've been like talking. This actually this guy's like 35,

but he and I talk about like mental health stuff and everything. So like I don't know. James, you can't just be having those legs around. We can't have James down here. What do you mean? You can't. What's wrong my legs? Are you feeling something?

Yeah, dude. You can't. I'm celibate right now. Look at his legs. Yeah, dude. What's, what's? Look at his legs. We can't be doing this.

It's inappropriate. Yeah. Do you want me to put pants in me? What if we had a girl in here looking all hot in the corner? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I don't know if you're projecting. Like, send those likes of Santos to see what it comes. I mean, honestly, this is not appropriate.

On a scale from one to ten, Santos gives them a, I guess. Look at this war. You're a dirty, I, I, nine. It's a dirty boy. On a scale, one, then Santos gives it a, oh, that's cool. It's happened before. Oh, my God. On a scale from one to ten, Santos gives it a.

Please stop contacting me. On a skill of one to then, Santos gives it a, I've dropped out of school, never text me again. On the scale of one to ten, Santos gives it a, I joined a cartel. They don't try to send me pictures. On a scale of one to ten, Santos gives it a meester. Santos gives it a, please, ice, take me away. I'm just kidding, fuck ice. On a scale of one to ten, Santos friend text you back.

Santos is dead Oh my God Cut to like 50 years From now Santos is just The guy for breaking bed Digging the bell His nephews come with a

Ouija board And he just digs a bell With every letter In my name Who hurt you, Santos His pants always stayed up though Yes The bell looks nice

Thank you Where did the belt? I have another belt for him upstairs. What are we doing with the box? Yeah, I would shift to different clothing. Let's pivot. Let's pivot.

Yeah. Let's pivot. Let's get them sneakers. Pivot off the waistline. But are you giving him belts so you don't want? No, no. I went to, I went to a belt because he liked my belt. So I said, well, if you, if you, uh, go to school for like the first two weeks

of school, I'll get you a bell. Imagine I'm your son. And I go, and I go, son, where did you get that belt? And I go, oh, what a puppy. Uh, this man is like just sending me bells. And like, he sends me some picture of himself sometimes. Ask for a picture of me. imagine you're telling your dad this random man is sending me

he doesn't have family he like sleeps at the pizza shot there's a dad someone oh wow kid that they are trying to get on the right path so i i don't know i'm trying to do whatever i can to help i was shot and rob for that belt oh fuck don't put that on me that's a flash that's a flashy piece yeah i know so you're saying i should get him a gun pivot to shoes don't make it open toe No high heels Maybe like an ug boot Santos send me some pictures of your feet

I just want to put him in some shoes Okay I'll send him a hat That's better That I see Yeah Hey Santos here's a hat I've worn Here's a hat I've worn

Here's a hat Send it back after one week This is an old hat It has my scent on it Has my Santos on it No, don't honor that Yes, I love Sal, yes Sal, I'm so happy you're here

Yeah, thanks, let's get into it I don't know why I told that story publicly No, it's good to you I think I'll only call it on once but I'm a fan Yeah, you're the best And making a stop in the studio From her

World Win podcast tour, Jordan Jensen Back on the podcast. Yes, it's great to have you. Thank you for coming on the show. We appreciate you being here. I love being a guest I'm being in here. It's really nice. Yeah, I went to Austin for a week, did Rogan.

Yes. Went to L.A. for a week. Got macha. Nice. Macha ho. Yeah. Went to my house that I bought up state, hit up there, painted some paintings, got weird in the woods. Whoa.

You're painting now? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Therapy. Wow. Wait, wait, wait. What are you painting?

This is new? Yeah. You dropped painted some paintings like you've done it. And if that's new to him and this is that new, that's like, whoa, hold on a second. You're like George Bush painting like. Oh, it's a lot weird of the George Bush. Veterans that you've sent to war. You should see my apartment.

It's really bad. Have you done? Have you painted? Do you have a picture of your painting? Things have gotten bad? Do you have a skill? I mean, they were pretty bad before. Yeah, totally.

Really? Oh, yeah. Why? Just plummeting just in the deepest depths of depression, bro. Why? Everything's great. Is it? We had the Twitter thing.

Are you painting pictures like John Titora and Severance? Well, look, did you watch? Do you guys watch Severance? Uh-uh. Just scratch it. Yeah, of course, of course. Those like, those like, the ominous, like, visions and stuff.

Speaking of creative things, since you've been gone. Since you've been gone, we got a puppet. Oh, God. That was your painting? Oh, it's like a. It's like a mudworm yelling. All right, let's see it. Sal.

Have you been good? I've been better than ever. Oh, no. Things are fantastic. That's great. Yeah. Yeah, things on paper are good. Oh, no, that's great.

The truth comes down. Oh, no. It just means without me, you're happier. Yeah, that makes sense. You're miserable. Yeah. I don't know what it is, but the imagery and color palette would suggest some type of down-trodden aura.

Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot going on. Yeah. There's a lot going on. But I'm okay. No, you're not. Hey,

we got a puppet of you. Okay. That's nice. That's nice. Yeah. That's awesome. I'm very happy about the puppet. Yeah.

Wait, you're doing fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. You're right? Yeah. But personally, you're falling apart. Do you, I thought that releasing a comedy special would make me be like, finally I can stop hating myself and it didn't help a scratch.

Which then plummeted me into the... Everybody, every comic has this. When you do something big, you go into a depression. It happened to Ian after a special. Yeah, postpartum. It's postpartum depression. Did that happen to you? No, but I got the massive anxiety of having to build out the new hour.

Yeah. So I got that, but I was, like, so happy to finally put one out because it took me so long, and I just never, like, carved the time out to really do it. And then, like, I really, like, went in hard with that. I worked on it so hard that I was actually, like, a relief to get past it. So I kind of had a little bit of... an opposite feeling but I get it I get why I thought I had

this subconscious feeling that when the special was done touring would stop everything would stop oh no and you know what I mean but it just kept going you mean in a welcomed way right in a welcomed way like it would be like and now you have a year of running around in the woods and then it just

kept going with the responsibilities it's a fucking rat race bro it's just forever and turns out you just do this forever and I love my job I love what I do very much but the fucking the the the every the just working in general we don't help each other all of us do not help each other because we're it's a it's all a hustle right and everyone's doing it every one of us and so it's like podcast and touring and content and specials and this and that and we're all like we're all raising

the bar of like how often something's got to come out and what the new expectations are for us and we're getting caught in a hamster wheel we are we really are it was never like you got to put out a special every year that's insane also you want to you want to sit with the material and really, really tightening up. Like, you know, every handful of years, but people are like two years, it's like the average, and even that's tough.

When you got other things going on and like, I don't know, you know, it's just, so that's, I, I definitely tap into what you're saying, for sure. Well, it's important to take time off, like, and go away or, like, do a thing or, you know, like, I, uh, I have been doing that more and more and I feel so much better. Yeah.

Of, like, even just taking, like, I went home and, dude, I had this grandiose plan to, like, go home and see my mom that was going to go to go to Boston and see a bunch of my friends and dude I got fucking injured and I got sick at the same time and I had diarrhea for 18 days straight and that sucked did you I've never heard of such a thing yeah yeah that's death how does that happen that equates death I mean you take I mean you take something and you know an afternoon or a day you should be plugging it up no I I I'm stuffing bad shit down there no I think it's my medication if I don't take it on a full stomach

but okay I am in the process of getting all these tests on whatever whatever but it totally fucked on my plan and I had to stay here like stationary and that like really really really sucked but it forced me to just like relax and check out and then I finally got to my moms and blah blah blah but it even just like taking time off doing that felt like better in a way I should say also Austin I was with Jake the whole time it was amazing L.A. I was with my trainer the whole time which is amazing Ithaca my friend Taylor okay like I've the last year yeah

they've been so amazing yeah it's been so good it's just the I think I think also what's going on is when I go through a breakup I have to basically do this withdrawal right yeah and I think there's like an underlying you know what I mean I have to like muscle through that

like a drug addict yeah the worm monster comes out the worm monster comes out so I think that so it's like a very necessary thing that I'm going through where you feel like oh I thought Netflix was going to hit the drug oh i thought being with this friend with hit the drug but really you just need the validation of you know what i mean yeah so i think it's a very good bad that i'm in you know what i mean

i don't know what do you mean a very good withdrawal i'm going through the withdrawal period right when did you and the guy break up a while ago like three weeks ago why he's same same what was same explain to say all what same is we just get to a point where he goes i don't want he's just an avoidant. He's a what? He's just an avoidant where he'll just shut down the relationship. Which is fine. How many times does this cycle happen?

How old is Santos? 17. Add six. Oh, wow. He's Santos for six. It's happened about a Santos and a quarter time. I want the puppet. A Santos and a half.

A Santos shoe size. Well, okay. Also, question. Is it bad that we're not? naming him. Yes. Oh, that wasn't a fake name to protect him? I'm not bleeping it.

It's too many. No, I don't know. You could maybe bleep it. Pablo's better. But no, nothing said. Ow. He said, that's not something. Santos is also like Joe, isn't it?

Do you want me to bleep it? No, because I mean, it's going to be like bleep. Tell me now, because then I can mark it down. No, it's fine. Using his name, the specificity of it, I think, adds to the comedy, but then I would cost. That's what I think, too. Oh, hey. Hey, is it Santos?

Is it Santos? What are you freaking doing here? Come here. He's living with me for the week in my room. Oh, I'm so sorry. Come on in. That's brutal. Hey, everybody.

If you haven't started going to therapy yet because it's too damn high, Rula gets it. Rula's on a mission to make high quality mental health care from a licensed pro easy and affordable to everybody. You got to work on your noggin and you got to find a place to do it. It's expensive, but not with Rula. So that's why you've got to go to rula.com slash Ian. Thousands have already trusted Rula to support them on their journey toward improved mental health and overall well-being. Head on over to rula.com slash Ian. That's R-U-L-A dot com slash I-A-N to get started today.

After you sign up, they ask you where you heard about them. Support the show and tell them we sent you. Go to R-U-L-A-com slash I-A-N and take the first step towards better mental health today. You deserve quality care from someone who cares. Rula.com slash Ian. Tell them we set you. Stop sucking in your gut to fit into your jeans. You deserve better, you fat sack of shit.

You deserve the perfect gene. They fit like a dream. They don't chafe. They make you look like you're packing it all in the right places. And I'm talking about your gawk. The perfect gene is perfect because it fits perfect. And while you're perfect. at it, go ahead and update your whole wardrobe. Grab a pair of their denkakis, some shorts,

and their comfy crew necks and polo shirts. It's finally time to stop crushing your balls and uncomfortable jeans by going to the perfect gene.n. NYC. Beanie and with Jordan fans get 15% off your first order plus free shipping, free returns, and free exchanges when you use code Feend Club 15 at checkout. That's a misfits reference. That's 15% off. for new customers at the perfect gene. com with promo code fiend club 15. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them,

support the show and tell them we sing you. Fuck your khakis and get the perfect gene. Know what I mean? Here, give him the mic. Here, take the mic. Oh, my God, I did not expect to see you wiggling around. Hi. Roomy.

Hi. What's up? What's that, buddy? How are you? Hey, what's that, cutie? Jeremiah's staying in my spare room for the week. Nice. Yes.

I didn't know you were in town, though. He's, what? It's fine. I apologized. He apologized. I got sprays immediately as soon as I landed. You got what? The breeze, Lysol, candles, just a couple days.

Where do you usually stay? Usually hotels or out of buddy's place. He's helping mail, dude. Has he asked you to send him any forward? It's an in-joke. We don't have to say it. Is he mentoring you? No, but I did see a shadow underneath the door frame in the middle of the night,

and I'm not sure if it was Ian's or not. We don't have to talk about it now, but rent money, you owe it. What works for you? It's already. Wow, this is harsh reality of being Ian's roommate right away. I don't know you're staying in that room. There's got to be something else. You can sleep in my bed.

I'll sleep on the couch. I'll stay in my house. I'll stay at my house. I'll swap I'll bring my outfits It's dark and scary in there Be honest No K-Fabe acting up for the show

Is or is not The room fine The room's perfect Is or is not my place Fine It's good Thank you Yeah

Levy a complaint right now Levy Be honest Oh I love a good levy The bed is lopsided It's an old bed I got to figure it out Let's not defend

The levees If we ask for a levy, we don't... That's the only thing. If the bed is at that kind of an angle, maybe throw a phone book at that way. Can I be honest? That was an old mattress of mine that I was very depressed for a while. That was depressed in.

I have left a depression. Your depression sunk in. That is a depression. I take the sheets off. That is months of being unable to leave with a little cat circle. That's how I can... That should be the, when everyone's like, I'm so depressed, you should be like, well, show me the physicality of your bed.

Yeah. How steep is the angle of that mattress? Thank you. Are you hurting your friend's backs? Right. Thanks. Other than that. Are you a throw pillow guy?

Do you have a lot of throw pillows? Oh, I mean, come on. Yeah. I have to sleep with a pillow in between my legs. Wait, are you talking about my couch or my bed? Your bed. I got throw pillows everywhere. I don't even want to ask that.

Okay. I got throw pillows on the couch. Why, do you need more pillows? I can go get more pillows. The throw pillows on my bed are, really? Yeah, maybe. Let me know. I'll get you more pillows.

Okay. Oh, but you don't need a... Don't sleep with a decorative pillow. You get into a place of a real pillow. Just roll this up. I gave him my bag of merch. He's fine. He's given one or two.

He's got pillows. Okay. Have you seen the room? It's really not bad. It just doesn't have stuff on the walls. I got to put, like, art on the walls. Okay. But it's fine.

Yeah. Really. Oh, sorry. Sorry, James. What? This is the... Show, shut up, James. We're having two different cars.

Just be fucking hot. No, it's good for him to know. Yeah. You do need to wear a towel. You got to put your legs away. I mean, it's really not. It's wild. And the arms, please, and face.

During the edit, just split screen with M and us. I hate this. I mean, I just want to snuggle up right on there. Do it. You might feel better. No. Doesn't help. I am celibate too.

Why? Something happened? No, I just, I don't want to share myself with this. Oh, my God. He showed his penis. Did you showed your penis? He showed me his penis. Let me see your...

Santos! Well, do it. Show us your penis. There was a man last night just showing me... His penis? Yeah. Where? He was walking around.

You know what's really fucked up? Ready for this? Yeah. So he was like walking towards me and he was like holding his pants open and like this. Where was this? Outside my house. He was just showing me his penis. It was a fucked up thing.

You like that he turned off. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did that happen? Dude, I was at Penn Station last week, and I looked over at this guy pissing. He had, I think it was a fake penis. But I almost was like, good work.

There was something about this guy being like, please. Really? Yeah, the way he was opening his pants being like, just, it needs to go somewhere. I was like, fuck, the desperation in his face. Decorative pillows in there that I'm just sleeping with one little. little like yeah yeah normal okay yeah yeah the decorative you can't sleep on the decorative no you can't sleep with a

yeah we'll keep doing on yeah totally we'll be with you guys in the second how have you been yeah I'm doing good I've been like doing good it's been I've actually gonna see you a few times on the road this year which I'm excited about we have done that yes so this this is the show I will say if you ever come to my place I have an excess

of guest pillows such that you can have 15 pillows if you wanted Okay. Yeah. We can totally do that. Yeah. I've just come to know. Or maybe even all, whenever I come out to New York next time, I'll ask you to ship a pillow to Eans.

I got you back because I also try out a lot of pillows myself. Oh. So they're in rotation. No, I'm very serious. It's one of the things I'm known for. I'm very serious about pillows. Okay. And what I'll say is, is, what I do when I think I want to have a guest is I try to make sure I have all the comforts that I'd want if I was.

a guest at someone's house. Yeah. And beyond. So I want people to, when they're at my house, to feel like they're at a hotel. At home, at a hotel. And I, you know what I do? When I go on the road, I take the slippers. I don't open them.

I'll take, like, the slippers. You save them for your gas. Or sometimes they have a little spray for the pillow, like a eucalyptus. I take those home. I don't use them. And I have a little bin in my closet, my linen closet. And so when you come to my house, I'll lay out the pillows, make the bed. I'll put the slippers by the edge of the bed.

Yeah. I'm not getting that. I put a couple of bottles of water by that bed. Oh, my goodness. I also have a little remote with a little instructions on how to use that. I take my guest in. What? I might have to stay at Salas.

Why? What's happening? He just gave me the rundown of how nice he treats. Do you have a guest bedroom? Yes. Wait, what's he do that's nicer than me? I gave you the Wi-Fi. What do you do?

Dude, we just went through it But yeah, but he lives in Staten Island Yeah How far is that? Brother, fuck you What do you do? Well, I have slippers I forgot to tell you, I have slippers

Do you want slippers? Are they new? Al Just shut up Help me out here Your old slipper is almost an assault I just treat it I just think about

He offered me one of his gently used fleshlights. He's very accommodating here. Right. Yeah. This is sweet. Have that it. I've never seen on. Here my. Oh. Ah.

Here. Oh. Oh. No. No. No. I, I've never. I've never seen one of these.

Welcome, brother. Did you see my reflexes? I tell you, I'm so curious about these. Well, grab it. I've never seen one in person. Is this gently used? Never. I need you to be honest with it.

I'm being honest. Dude, here's the crazy thing he's never used it. It's actually wild. Yeah. If you saw it in action, you would want to use it. Dude, that's weird,

man. And it makes a lot of noise. Wait, why are you celibate? Dude, you can't hold it like a dead fish. Did I just, Alley hoop that in here? Hold on.

I'm going to breathe in my inhaler. Dude, you should put that on a bong. we did oh that's fun right we smoke babes out of it oh you do okay regular vaid okay not weed but we don't like weed in this house yeah yeah okay no weed all right sorry there's no weed in that right sorry there's no weed itself there's no there's only so much weed that and comel out in that room if anyone needs it no i i i i just i just like to um i find that if i ever am a guest at someone's house is like there's certain comforts i need

and I make sure that I have those in spades for my guests that sleep over. Can we name a couple of them? Well, I have literally like 30 good pillows, not like spare pillows that are an afterthought. No. Okay. Right now, no. Just a condo. But like, I have a closet of pillows.

And they're all like, I have all the linens ready to go, clean linens, brand new pillows. They're still in like the zippered plastic bags. They're very fresh. I washed all the sheets. Yes. I washed all the sheets. I washed the tail. Yes.

I went out and got set of fill for us, face wash. I notice you have some blemishes. I'm taking care of you. Can you wash the nose? I, uh, what else did I do? That's very awful. He gave me my own set of keys. Uh, he told me how to work everything, the Wi-Fi password.

And yeah, it's been good. Yeah, what else do you want? I don't need. I'm simple. I'm a simple guy. Me too. And what's water, bottles of water by the bedside, extra slippers, unused, I take it from the hotel. I don't use them.

The basement's rough. The basement's rough, dude. Because the other day I was peeing in that, the other month I was peeing in that. Yeah, the other day, the other month. And there was a cockroach in the. Well, why didn't you tell me? I would have gotten the exterminator. You did.

Oh, I saw it. Remember? That was so long ago. And I've since fixed the cockroach situation. Really? You know, by killing one guy? Yes. And that sent a message.

Yeah, well, you know, and you know if you see one, there's no other He was cute in there That wasn't a cockroars, it was one of the members of Under Oath Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's quite a few pillows up there, look at that See? Yeah, oh, what do you know? So many.

Yeah, you're tall reaching, get them, fucking big bird, Jesus Christ, asshole We started comparing the different guests. Yeah, you can't compare anything to Sal, he's perfect, he's amazing. No, no, I feel like the most shoo. shining example of what an adult should be, and then you're comparing it to old fucking goblin. I get

a squirrel dressed up like me in a dress. What do you expect, Jeremiah? You're coming into a house with puppets. I like how he's pivoted so hard. At the end of the nights, at the end of the night since the room is next to the set, the puppets scared me, legit. Really? Because it was dark.

Reader beware, you're in for a scare. I like how you went from me like, I have everything I guess you need. What do you expect? I kill kids. I got a little... I got a little... I talked with flashlights. I had a guest over last night, and Jeremiah didn't even know.

I thought you weren't sex? We didn't have sex. Oh, you did? We laid in bed, cuddled. Yes, that is celibate. I apologize. I'm not doing way more than that. Are you also celibate?

I'm not having sex. By choice? By choice. So the both of you are doing that? I'm doing no, no intimacy at all. No romance, no apps, no dating, no nothing. Okay. But you're cuddling, so then you're going, okay.

Yes, but I am not having sex. Did you get a boner when you cuddled? Jeremiah. Why? That's an honest? Yes. Oh, stop it. Why are you doing it? Because I don't want to have sex with someone unless I like them and have a connection.

Okay. And also I want to be. So you're not a celebrate, but you're just looking for that person. Yes. Okay. And I want to be. intentional with who I have sex with because

I don't want to just have sex and then have like any feelings come up unless I'm sure that I want to have feelings. Well that seems very well adjusted. I'm trying. I feel like that's just how normal people behave. But it's really hard because I'm not normal. Okay. Because I want to have sex

what's really hard. I think I like you. Oh. You know. And then and then like a month later be like, never mind. So how long? Because you probably how long are you setting for yourself before you're allowed to have sex with people just until you like them i don't know but i had the cum is going to build up and you're going to start liking trees and why didn't say we didn't come oh no ian that's touch me wait wait can we break this down oh you jerked off next to each other this no she she what

we jerked each other off that's not celibacy yeah what do you tell them no it's not yes it is you cuddle different than sell and yeah that's insane what i said I said we calmed, but we didn't have sex. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but that's not sex. Oh, you're, you're just, you lost credibility. No, you guys, no, no, no, no, no, sex that adds a level of intimacy. Okay, Clinton.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And guess what? I did not inhale. Hey, please comment below if you think that sex. Hey, please comment below if you think that sex because I think it is and Sal thinks it is. Yeah, no, you're, I don't think that's celibate, I mean, you literally. It's sexual activity Yeah

Cell no no no no No celibacy is no sex Alright if we're going a textbook But what you what you what you portrayed I think what I received Do you think lesbians aren't having sex Because they're not doing penetration Right they're just diddling

Yeah But I don't think that that counts as sex Okay well don't say that So then two women can't have sex Whoa It's not Wait so then how to be in sex is sex Right

Going down on someone I don't think is sex Hold on So every lesbian is a virgin? Whoa. No, I think penetrate. And just take a beat and think. I think, I think, wait, I. Okay.

Forget what I was going to say. That's good. That's for the best. Wait, but wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you can't compare straight sex to lesbian sex. It's different.

Let me. There's a level of connectivity that goes on when you enter a woman with your penis that is different for chemical and serotonin release. for lesbians when they engage in stuff. It's not true. For me, nothing happens dopamine style when a penis enters me. It's just fear and aggression. It's all kissing and cuddling is where the dopamine is released.

Whoa. So by if you are going off of what Ian did last night, that's how you would get your nut off. Yeah, yeah. No, 100%. Making out is way more intimate than sex. Whoa. Yeah, it was pretty intimate last night. Well, let me. Yeah, it was so intimate that I slept right

through it. You're a bitch You don't want to Wait, wait, wait, but then you're not afraid then to strike The whole reason you say you're being celibate You don't want to get feelings You don't want to catch feelings As a kid's for someone, if you're not ready

How are you avoiding that by what you did last night Because you could still I mean if you're caught feelings? You did, okay. All right, all right. But I don't want to. But I'm trying to work it out because I don't want to have sex just with anyone. And I want to wait until the person it's, like, special.

You sound like, no offense to me, I guess. But you do sound like a woman a little bit. Yeah. I know, but you're a man, so it's different. You being like, I'm not going to let a man enter my body. But I'm in touch with my feminine and my masculine. No, because. Is your finger your penis when you were turned?

You don't. Oh, I love cuddling with you. Bitch. Wow. I think of your Jeremiah is here. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? I didn't wash the sheets.

Anyway. Oh. No, no, I didn't. Can I tell you something? You're playing with fire as a house guest right now. She's in your bill. What? Yeah, you better be careful.

There's going to be a horse head in your bed tonight, all right? Yeah, I'm putting her head in your bed. What's the horse's that from again? good godfather what are we saying also naked gun had a really oh no airplane had a really good take with the horse in the bed as well

where it was the live horse yeah yeah and she was cheating on our husband and she's like I gotta go this juice in the fridge and it's like but I was saying it was like yeah so you did catch feelings then yeah but you're saying I'm a woman I just say women will not allow men

inside of them for a certain amount of time so that they can withhold something right but you're still ejaculating which is pretty much what a man wants what a man wants what a man means whatever makes you happy sets you free

and I'm thanking you for knowing inside I don't know if those are the exact words at the end but I feel good yeah like I pulled that out of my fucking dude you know you all are a bunch of homo you know what feels good singing with friends and hugging for 30 seconds because it releases serotonin.

Yeah, but now I'm worried the next time I hug you, you're going to start coming everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Don't fly out of yourself, pal. Okay. Oh, can we, can we a hug? Now, are you, did you find yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I didn't get laid out of my apartment just holding his zipper open and just looking at me like this with his penis showing. Wait, what?

That's Ian. You saw that last night? Wait, what? Wait, what? Yeah. I didn't get laid, so I showed up at her place with my penis. No, no, no, wait, for a second, wait. Yeah.

You know what's funny? I can't tell you being serious. This guy was walking towards me, and he looked a little scary, and he looked like a, like a, kind of like a white guy, like a, maybe a hardcore guy. And I was like, you know what? Don't judge people. Like, this could be somebody really nice. Right. And as he walked up to me, I noticed that he was holding his zipper open like this.

And I was like, what is he doing? And I just saw his penis poking out. And he was just looking at me like, please, please, please. And I was like, yeah, this is why. Please, sir, can we have some more? Please, can I dip it? Please, may I have a crumb. Where were you?

I'm so sorry, where is this? Right outside my house. Where do you, where, where? Brooklyn, Park Slope. That, don't say anymore. That happened in Park Slope. I know. And what was, did you just.

Did you just make some park ropes? I tried to cross the street and then I just went up. I went up to my stoop. Oh, that enrages me. I went up to my super and I was like, that guy just showed me his penis and he goes, cool. And he was like, I mean, not cool. He's like, do you have a weapon? I have a little penny.

Because I have a weapon on me right now. I just came back from, for Wayne, and I brought a whole cache of weapons. What do you got? I would like to, I have mace, brass knuckles, knives. What would you like? I would like you to have a weapon. I will give you mace that I have upstairs. But you know I'm going to mace random women that I got mace in my pocket right now.

Do you really? Sweat to God. No, uh. Dude, I got in a fucking street bra. I have mace, but it's from the 13th century. Never mind I have Tull of his I have

Mace but it's the famous rapper from Harlem World I'm gonna bring on my Mace I'm gonna bring out my Mace What's his song He's got a couple What was his song

Oh if I knew the song Oh would you die for me Yeah No no no If I had a million dollars No no that's definitely not it That's spice girls No that's like

If I had a million dollars What was the May song that was super famous? What did you know about? I don't live in the head. No, no, no. Bad, bad, bad boys. No, no, no. Tell me what you want from me.

No. James, look up. Mace. Well, I don't. I don't. Yeah. Yeah, it feels so good. Feels so good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I have mace in my pocket. You probably can't play that. The rapper from Harlem. And it feels so good. You went a long way with it. It was the long way. I fell asleep in time.

But honestly, how often do you, did you see a, does that happen if at all? With penis guys? Yeah. Not very often. Okay. So it wasn't like some. I saw one guy walking towards a woman with his penis out recently and she was on her phone. Bro.

And I was playing a little bit of game of like, let's see if he can make it to her I was like a bragger yeah yeah yeah like him crossing the drastic dude when you see that shit

that's what you have to be like oh wow my prozac is working I literally was like I got in a fucking street brawl three weeks ago at an outdoor Italian restaurant this crazy guy

came came up started screaming ripped a barrier down flipped a table took his arms swiped everything off the table looked at this old guy was like I'm gonna kill you all

I'm going to kill you. Don't look at me. And point of this old guy. He steps towards him. This Asian guy stands up. And we're all standing. Goes, hey, man, relax. It creates distance.

The guy socks a fucking guy in the head. The guy falls back. The three Italian guys from the restaurant bumrush him. And I was like, well, here we go. So I joined in. And we get him on the ground. He's like fighting back. I start stomping him out.

And this old Italian guy pulls me off. He goes, no, no, you're crazy. And I was like, oh, I'm the fucked up one. Right, right, right. Dude, this guy gets up again, spits on someone, punches an Asian guy again, and we're like, okay. Like, you could tell this guy was, like, whacked out. Right. And so we took him through him.

I don't know if that guy's got a knife, though, or something like that. You know what I mean? I took my umbrella and I beat the bricks off of him and, like, cracked his face. So you gave him just a light spanking? Oh, no. I have the umbrella did damage. Oh, dude. Yeah.

I cracked his head open, like, right here. He was, like, gushing blood. And he's just like, oh, so you really did get into a brawl. Oh, yeah. It was fucking. nuts. It was crazy. And he's like on this pile of trash, like, we're like, dude, stay down.

Please stay down. He's like, I'm going to kill everyone. He stands up again. Someone maces him, and he goes, I eat mace for breakfast. Did he eat at mace for breakfast? Apparently, and lunch and dinner. Dude, he did not stop. No. Dude, he stumbles back.

A little Mexican guy comes out of the kitchen, and he's like, hey, and everyone's like, please, stop. And then, uh, this is awful. He got maced again and then just wandered down the street. Those are good. Thanks. And just went off into the night. The police never came.

And the first thing someone said after the whole ordeal, you just hear this guy go, fucking mom, Donnie. No. No way. Yeah. And I go, he's not even mayor yet. He goes, what could you imagine? That's ridiculous.

Dude, and then I'll say this. They still made us pay for the meal. No way. Well, you know what? It is really unfortunate that befell them And then to start taking hits left and right On the possible revenue that was coming in that night I got hit in an outdoor dining area

Like on the street and a giant truck hit it And all of our the glass flew into our food and stuff No free meal. Wow. That's fucked up. I think that's free meal, right? Yeah, that's a free meal Because they're getting insurance on that.

Yeah. Well, also I feel like if somebody comes up And they destroy like your dinner Yeah. I know they deserve money and tips. because that was a fucked up situation. The least they could have done has gotten me into an umbrella.

How about, how about? Burger to go. A round of desserts. Whoa. desserts. Yeah, a little doggy bag. Top this off with the tiramisu. That would have been a nice gesture.

But I didn't do it for that, but. No, you weren't in it for the tiramisu. Yeah, but I, because I like how you say it, how do you say it? I don't know. Tieramisu. Tierra missu. No, Tiramisu.

It's not Tiramisu. It's not Tiramisu. Well, I say it like that on purpose because it's more fun. I like that. I like that. I like you to have a white cat named tiramisu. Misu is fun.

Tirmisu is good. That's fun way to do it. With the list bend to me. Tiramisu. Yeah, that's nice. That's so fun. Japanese and I like that. Tiramisu.

It's a tiramisu. Yeah. Oh. I like that. Yeah. But it would have been nice. But now are you walking away from that like, whoa, that happens to me only like twice in my life.

Are you walking away from it like, whatever? On to the next. Oh, I'm walking away from it laughing. Like, that is a crazy occurrence. And no one was seriously hurt. Yes, no one was seriously hurt. No one was a guy who took two punches. Yeah, that guy's glasses were broken.

Like, he was fucked up. The psycho guy was like covered in blood and like mace just stomping down the street. I thought the psycho was wearing glasses. No, no, the Asian guy was wearing. This guy was, I don't know what the fuck his deal was. He was on like PCP or something. It was crazy. He just, and that's the thing.

That's why I started stomping him because I'm like, yo, if he's attacking and like fighting people off once, he's on the ground and people are hitting him like this guy's got to be like neutralized right he's got to stay on the ground and my back was fucked up but let me tell you stomping someone out and beating the bricks off of him with an umbrella really the adrenaline cured my back pain yeah oh wow and then on the way to the train i got recognized a couple times cured it even more yeah one of the greatest things have happened to you i was with what city were we in when when uh we hung out after shows was spokane or tacoma Tacoma. The amount, we went to this bar. The amount of people that recognized Ian at this bar was astronomical. I forget. It happens a lot. Oh, no.

Like, anybody with tattoos and glasses were like moth to the flame. Yeah. You should get like with Ian Tacoma. Merch. I should say, watch out for my umbrella Ella Ella. We. I upperc somebody's side mirror in it. Huh?

What, what, what, um, What umbrella do you have? It was an umbrella with a wooden handle. And I was beating him in the head. And then when that broke, I started... Penguin from Batman. Yeah, yeah. I'm umbrella man.

I tell jokes at night and then I protect the city, also at night. Let me say this. Now you may tell your joke. I, it's not a joke. I got into a fist fight with a car the other day, and I went to uppercut the side view mirror. Street fighter style. And I was so ready for it to shatter into a million pieces.

Dalseem. And for my hand to be all bloody And then I was going to flip them off But then I went to uppercut it And the mirror just went like this If someone was in the vehicle You got mad and hit their vehicle Yeah

The only time I've ever broken a bone In my entire life I punched a car Why'd you punch it? I was upset It was so stupid at me I just lost my temper Your car is someone else's Someone else's

Yeah I can't be your own Now if you witness that At a restaurant outside Because I struggled with like Did I do the right? thing, but I saw these guys getting attacked, and I'm not just going to sit and watch. Yeah. So I was like, I think

what I did was fine. Yeah, I wouldn't be able to, that's the thing that you can't, I wouldn't have to stand by and see someone. I kept having nightmares about it. I kept, yeah, for the, for the next couple days, I kept having dreams about it. I was so traumatizing. I wouldn't be able to stand by and watch someone, like, get her like that. And but the thing is too, like, as a dad, like, I, I, I, I,

now that's when I started carrying weapons, like, when I had my daughter because, he had a backpack. And it's like, yo, I didn't even think like, this guy's a night. I just thought, like, he's crazy. He needs to be, like, get down and stay down. Don't you get OCD about touching them? Well, once he started bleeding everywhere, that's when I was like, well, I'm not going to throw a punch now. I'll just use my umbrella to create distance.

Dude, I wish I would have seen this Mary Poppins brawl that happened. Dude, it was crazy. Did the umbrella break? Oh, yeah. Oh, it did. Yeah, like cracked on his head. Yeah, the set, dude, and here's the thing, too, I went on a date the next night, and I told the girl this story. and it immediately turned her off.

Of course it did. And I was like, was it bad that I told you about my attempted murder? And then she ended up in the bed last night. Whoopsies. Yeah, and then she's like, it turned me on.

It just took me a lot of process. Oh, wow. How do you know it turned her off? Because it was a total vibe shift. Really? Absolute, like, night killer. Do you think she was woke? You think she was a woke person

who's like, don't beat up homeless people? I don't know. But I let her know the guy was, white. I let her know he was a threat, but I did kind of be like, dude, you should have heard the noise when this umbrella cracked on his head. It was like, crack. And he was like, that was like the funniest. Oh, yeah. So like, you know, like a joke. Well, you sound like a little kid being like, and now I'm fucking whacked him. But it is funny in those moments when you see, like there is humor in this stuff, you know, like crap. Like, dude, I, I'm just like

whacking a guy in the head with an umbrella. And this, and every, this guy is attacking. people and I'm the one that they're like you need to stop right right right right that's funny to me yeah yeah yeah yeah I could see it both ways you told it to when you told it to us you felt like a martyr when you told to hear you felt like a martyr

listen I don't want to come up like a martyr well you know what I mean you you felt like someone who acted as necessary but I think when you told her you were celebrating the violence of it all a little too much I think it went from me being a protector to mean more living out of fantasy yeah yeah yeah I told her

Also, like, the story might have been funny to her, but then she's like, I'm not sucking his dick after that story. I think maybe she was just turned off by other things. Like the face? Jordan's correct, because I did, we did kiss for a second. She went, ew, cigarettes. There might have been a few other things. Like, I'm not going to have sex with you, but you can jerk off next to me.

Something like that. Different girl. How often does that happen when you smooch a girl and they're like, do you smoke or cigarettes? Not as often as you'd think. Yeah, because you already smoked a pack in front of them. I let him know off the rip I'm a smoker I'm a joker

I'm a midnight Stroker Playing my music in the sun I went to see the Steve Miller band At Jones Beach I had terrible seats It was like in the last 10 seats 10 rows

And I was really excited to see Steve Miller band I was a keep on rocking me baby Was the number one song in the country The day I was born I don't know what that has anything to do with it But I always like enjoyed the music when I was growing up.

Yeah. And we went and I went with my cousin and a friend that we pre-gamed. We were super excited. And we're standing there and joining it to the max. We're standing and we're singing and everything. And there's 14,000 people there and not one person was standing. Not one. It was a very geriatric crowd. And so people behind us, like the five rows behind us before the literal end of the, you know, they started being like, sit down, sit down.

This is not a great story. And, brother. I'm enjoying it. I'm already enjoying it. I'm with you. Okay. Jeremiah was about. say I'm already enjoying it more than Ian's, I think.

No. Easy with the left turn. You might knock him over. Anyway, go ahead. Sit down, sit down. I'm like, I'm like, what is, like sit down? We're at a concert. He's singing like, you know, come on and dance.

I'm like, he's literally saying, come on and dance. And so all the people, so I'll be like, down, sit down in front. Like the old, like it was a mob mentality, but these were old people, you know. And I was like, I was like, I'm not going to sit down. Like, you know, we're already all the way back here. I'm trying to enjoy it. And they all started yelling at me. And so security came over in like the yellow jackets because it looked like a scene.

And then once security came over, everyone starts looking at. And then I'm arguing with this guy. And then everyone takes their side. So it's like the whole entire section screaming at me. So fuck you. And I just got so angry. I'm like, fuck you, you geriatric asshole. You know, I'm like, I don't give a shit.

You smash him in the head with an umbrella? Yeah, I did. So this is coming up now. No. And then the security guard was like, what's going? I'm like, I don't know, man. I'm just singing and dancing. Like, I don't think they're very mad.

He's like, all right, come with me. I'll bring it down. Oh. And then they thought I was getting kicked out. So they were like, yeah, so I was like, fuck you. I'm going down to the front. And they brought me. There was a, at Jones Beach, there's a little, no joke.

It looks like a dog walk. It's a little chain link gated area right by the stage, like right on the water. That's like leaning against the stage. They brought me there. And I watched the rest of the concert there. It's amazing. Oh, it's too old to see you down there. I know.

I would have felt good. You know what the lesson in that is? Always be yourself. Yeah. I don't know why I told the story. Dance. Like, no one's watching. You guys are singing Steve Miller Band.

Steve Miller Band was brought up. Oh, maybe he smokes and then tokes. Smoker. Smoker. I had that best of album. I grew up listening to it on the way to school with my mom like so much. Yeah. It was stuck in my CD player in my Subaru, so I'm a little sick of it.

Oh, yeah. Had to play it a lot. For sure. Play the law. But I remember when Abercadabra came out. Oh. This is my jam. That's the one.

That's a funky bass line. Cam and M's a little remake of it. I'll take it. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. How's that one go? Abra. Abra, abracadabra, just like that, and I'm back, bro.

Whoa. Yeah. Somehow we all took it as. I didn't know you rap? What was a Steve Miller band song I liked? You paint and rap? Yo, JJ in the house. Okay.

Yeah, I've gotten into it. Oh, Jeremiah. Did you know she's painting? No. Painting. Jungle Love. Isn't that? Jungle Love.

Yeah. Is that the name of a song or just racist? Yeah. Jungle Love. No, that's Jungle Feeder. Jungle Love is there's two of them. Morris Day and the Time is Jungle Love. More's Day in the Times is so good.

It starts with a whistle. I met you in somebody's island. I thought you were going to play it up the mind. I'm waiting on that by your door. Jungle of love. He's driving me mad. be crazy, crazy. It's good, right?

It's good. People wouldn't stand. Oh, my God. Jet airliner, take the money and run. Rocking me. Fly like an eagle. Oh, bro. Hits after hit.

That was the album that I owned. Fly like an eagle, they wrote. Fly like an eagle. That's Steve Miller band. New Jersey. Yeah. They wrote every song. They wrote a lot of good song.

They wrote a lot of good song. Wow. Stairway to Heaven. All of them. Sweet Home Alabama. No, they did. Eppelin covered it. Youth of the nation.

Youth of the nation. Ball with a ball. Mm-hmm. Ice ice baby. Sal, you didn't make another special or something, did you? No, I'm touring with the new special. I'm going to shoot it at the end of the summer. The next coming summer.

Oh, so you're this one new year, motherfuckers. You're the one ruining our lives. No, no, no, because my special came out. May 31st, 2024. So this is going to come out like Wild Mountain, honey. Great special. Terrified.

Sorry. Terrified? Yes. Thank you. Thank you. That describes Jeremiah when he's in my basement. Ew, I can't believe you were jerking off with Jeremiah downstairs. Yeah, dude.

You're doing that right above me? You didn't even know. Oh, man. You don't want to know what's going to happen tonight. Looks like somebody's... Sleep with one eye open. Gripping your one pillow tight. And tonight, I'm going to get in a fight.

That's been the show, everybody. Thank you. Do I have hybs? Anyway, Sal is on tour. Where do they get tickets? Yeah, so I'm touring all the way through 27. I'm always ending the cities. It's salvo canocomcom for that.

I got a new talk show coming out called Mnuch. That'll be out at the end of the fall. I'm releasing that in 10 episodes. How do you spell it? M-I-N-O-O-S-H. It's, I just stylized it. It's short for minutiaa. And that'll be out at the end of the fall.

I'm doing it in seasons of 10 episodes. And Special Terrified is on HBO Max. And then Joe Chris is airing right now on TBS. Yeah. He's everywhere. Jeremiah. Well, look out for Ian and Jordan on episodes of upcoming stand up on the spot.

Yes. And then I'm shooting my next one hour special, October 23rd through October 25th and Batavia, Illinois at the Comedy Vault. Whoa. So I get tickets for that. And then, yeah. You're shooting a special Batavia?

Yeah. I love that room. I love the room. They got bugs everywhere. Oh. Have you seen the river bugs? Oh, outside? Yeah.

Oh. No, but if you pulled down the thing on stage, covered in river bugs. Really? Yeah, but I love that room. Love it. So much. I love it.

That's a great place for work. Yeah, we're doing, I'm doing some set design in there that I'm excited about. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you know the first time I saw you had long hair and you were on stage at Soul Jules?

Absolutely annihilating. That was, oh, because you and Ian were, no, you and Brendan. Yeah, we're opening. That was the first time, yeah, you opened for it. We were opening for you. Yeah. But I didn't know you.

I know, that's how I met you. But you were so good. Oh, thank you. What year was that? So long ago. It was near the pandemic. It was the outside tent show. Yeah, but it's crazy when I think about that guy is you.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, you did. By the train station in Pennsylvania, Royersford. Oh, yeah. On the sand. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I did three there and that was like, it was like a hundred and ten degrees. That was a rough. Oh, yeah. I did it. I did it. It was so cold that I was losing feeling in my feet that I had to put my vans up against the heater and it started to light on fire because it started to melt the vans. It started to smoke and I was like, okay, I got to take it off. My cat's tail lit on fire the other night because he, I had candles and he like went by it.

And then I just heard, sprawl, and he, like, ran. I was like, Clay. Surprise that doesn't happen more. To cats in general. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But he's fine. Did it hurt him? No, he's fine. Was it smoky or was it, did you have to blow it out? No, it's just like a quick sin. Oh, sin.

Yeah. And then he, like, ran away. But he was like such a lovey guy letting me, like, hold him and stuff. Afterwards? Mm-hmm. Oh, you love a trauma bond. Now you're going to start lighting him on fire on purpose.

Yeah. Oh, come here, buddy. Light, light, light, light, light, light, light, They love me. Jordan. Take me with you is now on Netflix. Congratulations. Thank you.

I'm really happy with it. I'm really, very, very happy with it. Yes, it's very good. It's wonderful. I'm psyched. I will watch that tonight. Really? Yeah, yeah.

I have a little window to watch something each night, and I have nothing on the mind. That's great. So I'm excited to watch it. Of course. I would have watched it anyway, but I'll watch it now. I've already watched it, but that's nice for you to learn about it now. Anyway, I

Jordan will also be selling her demented paintings on the road. No, not selling them. Those are for me and me alone and my cleaning lady to get afraid of. It is haunted. She goes, where do you want me to play your scary scribbles? In finance.com for all my dates. I'm going to be on the road with Bert Kreisher

for the next week and a half. Red rocks and a bunch of spots. I'm super stoked. I'm a little worried about being on a tour bus with my back, but I'm excited nonetheless. The tour bus is good. Yeah? He showed me his tour bus, dude. It's so sick.

Okay, cool. And then I'm going to be in Omaha, Tulsa, Houston, Edmonton, New York City Comedy Festival, November 9th, tons of dates, December 31st. Oh, yeah. American Comedy Company. Sorry. Go ahead. No, I don't know why. I've been doing pause and not saying this.

And you just love, I was like, I'm an idiot. I'm playing the beacon on December 27th. Oh, that's great. December 27th. And then Atlantic City is local, Atlantic City on February 28, the oceans, because I'm not. I can't believe I've not been calling out the beacon on it. Beacon's amazing. Yeah, that's so cool.

That's awesome. Anyway, sorry. And no, sorry, January 8 through 10th, Denver Comedy Works, Ianfidance.com, YouTube.com slash Ianfidance comedy for all my stand-up and where my travel show, Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs is coming out. So check that out. Patreon.com slash be an Ian pod and we'll see you next time. Everybody say bye on three.

One, two, three. Bye, Santos. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore.