Bein' Ian With Jordan - The Second Worst Possible Timeline W/Eric Wilson & Patrick Kindlon | Bein' Ian with Jordan #199

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

Fan favorite duo Eric & Patrick from Worst Possible Timeline return to talk about Ian's mental health, bi vs gay, & Robin Thicke. SUB TO OUR PUNCHUP FOR EXCLUSIVES! All of our dates AND bonus episodes are now available in one convenient place, all for the same price as the Patreon! Visit punchup.live/beinianwithjordan Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast - Get 10 free meals + free Breakfast for life at http://HelloFresh.com/ska10FM Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Follow WPT! https://instagram.com/worstpossibletimeline Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody, eInfinance.com for all my road dates. May 22nd and 23rd, Albany, Funnybone, and Albany, New York, June 5th and 6th, Cleveland, Ohio, Cleveland, hilarities, one of the best clubs, excited to be there. June 10th, June 12th, Detroit, Michigan, Mike drop, Detroit. And then I'm going to Syracuse, New York, Appleton, Wisconsin, Greenville, South Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Winnipeg, Brookfield, Wisconsin, Saratoga, New York, Charlotte, North Carolina, Dallas, Texas, Ianfidance.com for tickets,

and check out Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs out on YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy. It's my travel show. It's like dirty jobs meets daytime insomniac, meets a feral rat, learning how to do different jobs, hanging out with different Americans and having a different fun, wholesome, wild, wacky kind of time.

I love you. Enjoy the episode. See me live, God damn it. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride when you're being in. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt.

It's a wild ride when you're being in. And life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live. like to live alive Being Ian With Jordan Hey everybody Welcome back to another episode of

Being Ian with Jordan Jordan is on assignment And I am here Picking up the slack hanging out with two hacks No no I'm kidding Let's restart That would have been fine

Honestly Yeah Hey everybody it's your old Palli Ann here. Welcome to another episode of Beanie in with Jordan. I am in studio hanging out. Jordan is on the road, on assignment, and I'm here with two hacks.

No, no, no. Let's start. We got another one. We got another one. Okay, yeah, fuck. All right. Hey, everybody, welcome back to the podcast. I'm so happy to be here with Eric Wilson,

Pat Kinnlin from Worst Possible Timeline. Hey, thank you for having us. And, and, drug church. Yes, should you say? And self-defense. Self-defense. Family. Do you want to,

do you want to maintain this facade or no? What? That you're happy. See? Let's restart the show. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to it on the grass. He does this to me every week.

Every week. What kind of a fucking, and here's he think. You didn't know, you didn't know that we were recording earlier. A little, little eye behind that the fucking. Let's Wizard of Oz it right now, okay. You didn't know we were recording, and you're like,

do you ever know those bitter people that have something cute up in their head and they just hit it with you? And when they say it, it just shatters their world. And I was like, no, I don't think. And then you're like, oh, okay, you don't have that feminine energy in you? And then we start and you go, you're going to keep this facade up forever that you're happy. I'm going to tell a quick story. Oh, I bet this will be quick.

Go ahead. I'm not going to say. Pat, known for quick stories. I'm not going to say which band, but one of my bands was. playing Europe. We do a festival. This young woman in a band. I'm talking to her at the merch table. She's talking about how miserable she is, right?

She's like, this place sucks. I'm sweating. My tits are fucking. And she's like, I'm on my period. I'm just miserable. And this is in one of those countries where they don't start the show until 7 p.m. with 25 bands. It's going to be 1 a.m. before either one of our bands goes on. So she's justified. She's, oh, my God. I mean, come on. But she goes on stage. And I never seen anything like this in my life.

I hold it close to my heart. She's just two minutes before. She's like, this is the worst day of my fucking life. She hits the stage and goes, Best day of my fucking life, let's fucking go. And she turns it on so psychotically, really, that it was impressive. But I bring this up because prior to the podcast starting,

we're opening up, we're not going to get into the, but you were, it's the most downbeat that I've seen you. Yes. And normally, you are what you portray which is like hey you got it you got a nice thing going you're not in the gutter you're not in the shitter

you're a little bit in the shitter today but you just put on you know for the for the people at home but do you want to be transparent do you want I mean also it's like you know we're like starting the show and I mean honestly it's so funny because I think the Patreon for this week it lines up with it the show the Patreon was completely miserable because I could not mask anything you know

I think there's, I think there's a difference between a facade and, uh, just arising to the moment and having to do what you have to do to push forward, you know, like I, especially in like, and I'm sure you do the same, you know, when performing, you have to compartmentalize your own life with the task at hand, which is entertaining and going on stage and everything and like, but people find you entertaining when you're miserable, I'm sure. So my question to you today, right is do you, do you want to be. miserable because we can we can vibe with your misery if you want to be miserable well I like I'm I feel better when I don't mask it but I have to ease into it okay like I can't just go on

stage and be like I want to fucking end it I have to like that sounds great come out and like get earned trust for like maybe like a like a small period of time and then I'll be like I'm fucking miserable and then that like unleashes if I was at a comedy show and the comedian came out and they started with I'm going to end it I'd be like here we go this is that that's my scene you'd be into it I'd be so into it really yeah that's engaging to me okay maybe I like maybe I just need to not uh um fake the funk even for a little bit I mean to me well when it comes to podcasting the most disgusting thing to me is when someone yawns oh sure I like if I'm listening to a podcast and I hear the guy like anyway we're gonna that happens oh my god it's the worst that'd be so

funny if someone at home clipped up every time I've yawned on the car. People do that? I mean, I'm sure I've done it. I'm sure I've done. There's been times where we've been recording and I'm like laying on the couch recording and I have no energy and I'm like, this is really, how do I expect anybody to listen to this if I'm not even present? But there's a whole market for things that people listen to while they fall asleep, right?

That's true. There's a whole YouTube world of things like guys who have history podcasts where they know nobody's getting to the end of it, right? It's just so that you pass out. I don't want to do that to people tonight, but if you want to be miserable, we'll be miserable. Yeah, I don't want to be miserable. It's the thing.

Things make me miserable. If you want me down. I don't want my down. If you want, I don't want my default to be misery. But I think, you know, like I think I'm in a pretty good position of being able to get away with like,

because I turn my, when I am angry or sad or whatever, I turn it into like a thing that's not just. just like doom and gloom. Like I like turned it into like more of like a rage filled thing. Like a manic rage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And started just like.

I think that's better than doom gloom. Yeah, no, no, no, eor bullshit. Yeah, I don't like you or bullshit. No, no ego. Yeah. But also like honestly, I learned from a young age, like, if I were to exhibit any, any aspect of sadness, adults around me would them be sad.

And that did not feel good. Sure. So I had to then always be happy. always be whatever, you know. Now we're getting to some shit. Yeah, now we're going to take long. Now we're getting to it. Okay, so I'm going to put the interview on you a little bit.

All right. I'm going to focus on you. You're down right now. How long do you expect this period of melancholy to last? Well, I'm up and down, you know. I like, you know, I, I told you earlier. I was in a fucking, goddamn relationship and then it ended.

And so you're good for a minute. I didn't know for a minute. I didn't know. Look at you snaking it in. You fucking serpent? I didn't mean to. He looks like a snake and he acts like a snake. He's lizardy. He's very lizardy.

Okay, so you were in a relationship. It didn't, it didn't. Yeah, it was, Barbara Walters. All right? What the hell are you getting that? It didn't last forever. Jesus. And now, and now a little down about it.

well I'm fine about it but then also okay I took a nap I'm tired I was up up late and then I up early and so I took a nap groggy I woke up

I was eating too many sweet tarts and when I woke up fucking Whitney texted me and was like Rogan and R are you're talking about you and I'm like well this can't be fucking good it's not wait wait wait wait wait why I also just want to say

before this started you were like i don't want to talk about any of this stuff and now we're just we're in it we're in it fucking got into it i didn't get into it i was going to let you live on any avenue you wanted to remember no you weren't you were going to let me fucking walk around and why i go hey how do you get to ocean avenue say why don't you take a left to fucking your sad life street so let me just say that you have it pretty good if the worst if the worst thing that happened to you today is that you were mentioned on joe rogan a thing that some of your peers would probably suck you off to get. Yeah, but the context was not like the most flattering.

It had to do with my sexuality and that fucking infuriates me because I'm more than that. And because 10 years ago, I was at a place where I thought if people asked me questions, I would answer. Sure. And then jokes were made. And I didn't realize what it would be or anything. I just was a young comic and I wanted attention and I wanted to be funny. I wanted to be liked and I wanted to be welcomed into a world. And so I had this thing that was interesting about me.

People would ask and I'd answer. How long have you felt this way about it? For a very long time. Okay. So how often does it come up? I mean, every now and again, but it's like literally, I mean, Ari is a son of a bitch. Oh, literally. Literally, him and Rogan were talking about a, uh, how when Ari went away, like, uh,

Because he'll go away for like six months at a time, whatever, and, like, wander around. But the last time during the pandemic, he did it. And he had a Zoom podcast that he did the whole time about 21 Jump Street. And Rogan was like, well, how did you pick 21 Jump Street? He's like, well, because Gay Ian, we were going to do sex in the city, but Gay Ian had one about sex in the city. And he, like, sucks dick. So, of course, he likes sex in the city. It's like, it's such a cheap fucking hack joke.

And it's like, you wouldn't do that about anyone else. You wouldn't do it about Mateo. You wouldn't do it about any other fucking. gay comic, but yet bisexuals get shit on and because I'm an openly bisexual man in that world that those guys exist, I'm an easy fucking target and it's fucking infuriated. You got to understand. What? Bisexuality is a fun novelty for those of us that are really straight.

You got to understand. Well, then I guess you're not in that camp then. You got to understand. It's a fun, man. It's a fun novelty. It's a fun novelty. But that's the thing. It's not.

and it's frustrating. And then they just, and then Rogan was like, is he gay? He seems more straight. And he's like, well, I mean, he used to go to glory halls, but dude, he gets the hottest chicks you've ever seen. And Rogan's like, what? He's like, yeah, he like gets hotter chicks and we ever did. That's a great thing to say about somebody. That's great.

But then they didn't go, oh, let's talk about that. They went, let's talk about glory holes. It's like, yeah, I know. I used to. I'm sorry. Gloryholes are also funny. They are funny. Yeah, the idea of it.

Well, okay. Let me ask you a question. Why? But there really is no glory. I don't know why they call it that. It's an interesting name. There's no glory. Even when you come, it's not glorious.

It should be called a shame hole. It's not glory. Or a never bring your dead relatives back boots. Yeah, yeah. Or doesn't roll off the ton. Not to be mentioned on Rogan shed. Yeah. Or a, this is a complete maladjusted coping mechanism for feelings of sadness or feeling alone.

And you just got to bite it and go through the uncomfortability. instead of acting out sexually, which really is kind of what a lot of the things you did were, but you didn't put it together at the time, and now as an adult that you've worked through things, that's kind of what it is, but now you've been pigeon old as a fucking half a gay guy, and that's fine.

It's okay. But being mentioned on the largest fucking podcast, which, by the way, the numbers are sinking, okay? We're kind of over it. But also, I, oh, yeah, and all right, you're going to bring me up on the fucking podcast like that, you piece of shit, well, have me on the fucking podcast,

then you, fucking idiots. And, Rie, I live 19 minutes from you. It is not a long trek to come to Brooklyn, even though you always refuse, you stupid bearded Jew. Oh, sorry, sorry. No, hey, I liked it.

I liked it. No, I was with it. But my ex's favorite podcast is Rogan, and she doesn't believe in medicine. So now I'm mentioned on this, I'm like, heck, cool. I mean, listen. So, wait. What?

I'm now a married fella. Oh, congrats. My wife is of the, sort where she if I had a glory hole experience she would not appreciate it being mentioned I'm asking you as you so you want to get away from some of the like you know the pigeonhole hack sort of it's not like I want to get away from me it's like I'm past that as a human you know like I'll address and talk about it but it's like that's not what it's not really as as like a you know um person in the world it's not really something I want to be constantly associated with you're not one

note and you definitely don't want that one note to be Absolutely shame holes. Absolutely. Okay. And this has you in a state. Yes, a state of which literally I walked out of my apartment to chain smoke and then I see fucking Tweedledee and Tweedledum walk up and I'm like, oh, here we go. And Pat's like, what's going on?

Well, you just looked a little, you know, you look a little. We're going to get to the heart. It's wrong. Yeah. Let's get to the heart. Let's talk about it. Let's put it out there. You should see me with Uber drivers.

I've had two of them cry on my shoulder. Are you serious? You're crazy with a little. Uber drivers. It's like I've nothing I've ever seen. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

How? Well, first, I ask where they're from, which is like an opportunity for them to talk about. So you understand Farsi? They could talk about their war-torn. You know, I had a guy who, uh, hadn't see, he didn't see a road for three years because he was, uh, a mercenary living in the jungle, had to kill children. Had to kill children. I don't, I think you added that. He got shot in the head in, uh, the Bronx.

Uh, I can. I like to talk. He got shot in the head in the Bronx and he didn't see a road. And well, how is that related? No, no, no, no.

Well, he was the Bronx located in the Sudan? What are you talking about? There are parts of this world where you're forced into military service at gunpoint. He lived in one of those places. Right. So he, uh,

was forced into the jungle. He had to kill rebels. Ronder the jungle. He had to kill rebels. Oh, do you think real quick, anyone ever hated John Fogarty for making Vietnam? songs without ever being in Vietnam.

Almost certainly, and making Vietnam seem actually sort of cool. I think that's a problem. Also, was it Tim, O'Brien, the author of The Things We Carried? All of his novels were about Vietnam, but he was never in the war. But he also, like, donated funds to, like,

well, like Raymond Carver has that short story of cathedrals about the blind man. He's not blind. So I guess art is different. Anyway, go ahead. That could be stolen valor, though. Yeah, yeah, the blind thing. But you're hitting the wrong notes with reading.

I've tried to read it. He's completely. It's so tough now. It's tough, dude. Bro, it's so hard. Yeah. The only thing I can read is bitches to filth. There you go.

Once a year, I try and pick up a book and then I get sad. Books always make me sad. We should do a book club. No, it's a, he had Dune for like four years. No exaggeration. Yeah, he's doing like a huge book. It's not that big. It's kind of big.

Start with like one fish, two, Fish, redfish. Yeah, yeah, this might be. That'll make me happy. It's a conspiracy theory book. I like that one. So, uh, point is, yeah, if you want to cry on my shoulder at the end of this.

No, no, no. The point is, get back to this child soldier that was driving a car. So he's in the jungle. He's there for two years. Oh, yeah, and the jet, that's reminding the John Fogarty. There you go. He's saving up his money so that he can have a stolen passport to get to the U.S. I shouldn't, I'm not trying to snitch out of no ICE.

This is a little. But he comes here, he drives a cab, he's shot in the head, he runs over the guy that shot him in the head. Cops laugh at the guy that shot him in the head. I saw this on Instagram Reels. This was. Yeah, are these real life things or are you just like, he might have been lying? I mean, listen, he might have just saw an Instagram Reels. The point is that I've had guys pull over and for 30 minutes explain the history of Eritrea and Ethiopia.

I've had a guy cry on me. because his sister was stealing the inheritance. I just like to talk to Uber drivers. It's my thing. Now, are these only Uber drivers? Because I have, I think, a face and demeanor that people feel that they can open up to with ease? Yeah, but you don't want that on the bus, man.

You don't want that on the bus. Dude, that just happened outside of my apartment two nights ago. I'm smoking, and one of my new neighbors comes, this black guy comes up. And he's like, man, fuck New York. And like, when someone says that, I was like, oh, where are you from? He's like, New York.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's why fuck New York. And I was like, oh, all right, what's up? He's like, cigarettes are so expensive. Groceries are out of control. Is he wrong? Yeah, man, it's nuts. And then he goes, and they put vaccines in our water.

And Mom Dani's putting listening devices and everything that we buy from the store. Can we get him on here? Do we need a fourth mic? I'm tripping over the communism every time I walk around here. Oh, you know? And he just, started going off on this, like, crazy shit.

And, uh, I, I, uh, I, I, like, put a button on it. I was like, well, hey, man. So you got to go on and get yours, beg bar and steal it wherever you can. That's why I steal and take whatever I can get. He was like, uh, what? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, airports, grocery stores. Sure.

Get it, brother. And he was like, yo, you crazy. I was like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just left. Anywhere with a self-checkout. Yeah.

Walking out with it. I like that sort of fella. Uh, I spent, what, like two months in Austin, something like that. When I was banned from Australia, I was living in. You got banned from Australia? Ban from a continent. How?

You ever engage with somebody? Whatever you say, I'm probably not going to be able to relate because I've never been banned from a continent. You ever see your visa. Well, do you ever? They say visa, he says welcome. Somebody's convinced that they're right and you're convinced that you're right. Yes. This is the story of your life.

But they're a government. So they're right. You know what I mean? So what happened? So I was apart from my wife for a year due to a what we'll call a visa issue, right? I had to pay like $18,000 to rectify this issue, right? And for some of that time, I was in Austin hanging out with some hardcore anti-vaxxers. You know what I mean?

Is that right? Yeah, they're cool. Young people too. Like young people with families, they look like healthy. They look like Mormons. They look, you know, they're cool. But then they hit you with it. And they got the polio.

And listen, those are my circles. You know what I mean? I'm not. You don't describe it. You got a couple friends with kids that have measles. Who cares? Whooping cough? How do we describe me during the pandemic?

I'm not anti-vax. I'm just, I'm a little skeptical. Is that fair? I mean, people are just going to call you anti-da-da. I have my skepticism. Did you get? I got the fake one. We got the J and J.

Yeah, we got the water. Oh, I thought you meant you got the fake one like you got a Photoshopped card. No, but there was a spot in Albany that for $50 would sign off that you. I should have done it. I should have done it. I really regret getting it. Wow. Yeah.

I got it for my mom. You got the brain fog? What's going on? No, just it, you know, I mean, it's just, I wish I could have said I did not do this thing that everyone else did. Yeah, sure. You know. It's the, it's the punk. attitude.

I got in a way, you know, I fancy myself more of a John Joseph than a jello biophora. Okay. No, no, I'm kidding. I would put a bullet in my head. No, listen. I'm John Joseph. He'll tell you. I'm John Joseph's biggest defender.

Yeah? Yeah. All that like, whenever he does this thing where he's like, it's just two wings of the same turkey, man. That's me. I feel that. Do you also call it the wax scene? No, they do.

Yes. Because I do that as well. The wax scene. Listen. You know. Here's my question about these fellas, like John Joseph. Yes. Do you always got to be right, or can you be like, is it fun to be wrong sometimes?

What do you mean? Like, everybody kills this guy for, like, just having an opinion that a lot of us think is wrong. I don't, you know, I'm a little vaccine skeptical. But a lot of people believe he's wrong, right? But why is that such a big deal? They're treating him like he's, like the smallpox agent that's like trying to kill. people or something. He's just a guy with an opinion. Well, I think because he's

a guy with an opinion that keeps repeating his opinion when nobody asks for his opinion and then he checks his opinion into everything. They would be genius if it was a bit if his name was like Nathan Fielder, but his name is John Joseph. If you see him through that lens, it's a great bit. Oh my God. I don't think that's the proper lens, though. The plan

ruin a legacy by constantly bringing up the vaccine. I respect that too because wouldn't it be easy for him to to lean into who he used to be the legacy that people want from him. And instead he says, you know what's more important to me? Educating people on the waxing. Yeah.

I respect that shit because everybody wants you to be something for them. Right. Like they want, they're going to, for example, ooh, you know, bisexual in. You know what I mean? They want you to be that because it fulfills something for them. But you're going to let them down. You're going to be like, maybe I'm straight now. Fuck him.

Huh? You're disappointed. that people want you to be the person you presented as 15 years ago. And what I'm trying to say is... Well, yeah, I feel like it's like other people have the grace to grow, but then I don't. And John has grown. I understand I put myself in this place. I've made jokes.

I've, you know, brought it. I've brought it up. I've answered questions. I understand that. I'm aware of that. I, you know, for better or worse, it is what it is. But it's just frustrating that, you know, for some people that cannot be something that you move on from.

Sure. And Ari has brought that up a fair amount in other settings. And I also do think there is something inside of a lot of people that, not saying people wish they were me, but I think people wish that they could be okay with themselves and the things that have played in the back of their mind and the darkness of their own nights. And they're not.

And because of that, it is easier to point and bring up and shame than it is to actually face and deal with. Guess what? Lucky you. Enjoy all the benefits on Patreon. Now on Punchup. Punchup. Live slash B&E with Jordan. Get tickets and content in the same place on Punch up.

Yeah. Punch up. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Firedance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across the country doing stand-up comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head,

I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got to rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose, toot, to. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? That's interesting.

You think that's... I think that's the case with a lot. of people that cannot drop my sexuality or other people's sexualities that's darkness of their own nights was that Raymond Carver that's pretty good I Raymond carved that out of my own little nice you quick but I mean I I honestly think to like again to bring up and say like gay Ian he sucks dick he likes sex in the city it's like why are you saying that why are you bringing that up and I'm going to say this to Ari as well like everything I say I'm going to say face of and he's such a fuck literally the last time i was in l.a i said to him face to face i was like

do you have a fucking problem with me he's like no it's like because it seems like there's like a fucking thing what where like how did you'll like dig on me or something he's like oh no this's just the way i am are you whatever is everything all right i just don't like getting um i just don't talk about people that way sure apropos of nothing yeah and when it's said about me it upsets me. But am I wrong? Hold on. Just, I'm going to play a little bit of devil's advocate.

I hadn't listened to the thing yet, but you kind of transcribed it in whatever way. It doesn't sound malicious. It doesn't sound, and also gay is not like what it was when we were in fourth grade. You know what I mean? Like, it's not an insult. Right, but I guess, well,

I guess on the flip side, you could say maybe I'm the insecure one and I'm letting it bother me. But in a world in which I still believe in merit, I would rather be brought up on the biggest platform of the world of like, oh, Ian had this hilarious joke or like this funny thing or like, oh, this, or like he's great or whatever instead of like, oh, this gay guy, you know, it's just like, man, that sucks.

I'm more than that and it sucks. I'm not going to try to convince you that you're not more than that. I hear you. I'm just trying to like, you, I didn't know that there was any tension with R.E. that you had some sort of like that you believe that he's trying to like you know kind of like low rate you in whatever way that's interesting because there's got to be history because it doesn't sound like what he said was all that bad but it's fucked up because we used to go skiing together and like hang out levels of this

it's dude that's the thing it's like everybody's like a crazy person everybody has something wrong with them and i understand that yeah and i think the vaccine did do something to some people you know and i'm afraid that I got vaccinated. Yeah. And then it's made me like, whatever. And I'm afraid I'm going to get myocardosis and my heart's going to explode when I'm, you know, playing in a rookie league in France or something. Myocardosis. Remember the early 2020s?

Well, this is like a throwback. I know. You could get osteoporosis. There's a lot of perosis you can get as a result of the vaccine. I know. But you guys mind if I smoke a cigarette? Yeah. You're far away.

You're far enough away. Yes. These are the privileges you get when Jordan's not here. God, these are so much better when she's not here. I love you, Jordan. That's a joke. See, I could say bad things and then go it. Well, did we need Ari to say I'm joking about his sexuality?

No, I would call him right now, but he fucking, I don't have his new number because he just got back from fucking Ecuador. I mean, you guys could still go skiing, right? Yeah. Right? Yes. That's the thing. I don't have a fucking problem. I would rather be like, yo, what the fuck is up?

Deal with it. and then be like, hey, let's go hang. Okay, so check it out. He's sober number of years now, but he still gets in these dry drunk sort of spaces. I'm bad with it. I'm bad with it. He thinks like, oh, that guy cool guy's good guy, big time me or whatever.

It's insecurity. And to me, he sounds deranged, which. Do you think I sound deranged? You sound just a little sensitive in a way that, like, and now you're looking at me with the steely eyes. it's just a little sensitive is all I'm saying and I understand you got a thing when you say hey I want to be more than

fucking comments that I made 15 years ago I relate to that I get that thank you but it's like your band if you like put out a shit record 10 years ago people were constantly like oh like play the old stuff you know yeah or we're just like man these guys never really got past their first album or whatever you know like how would that make you feel

which must have been the waxing person or an artist But this is why there might be like a little dry drunk thing going on here because that's so funny because I went to a meeting this morning and I felt so good. And I've been like talking to guys and like back on my shit. I went to one the other day. But it tricks you. In L.A. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm really on it. Yeah, yeah.

But it's times when you're on it and then one day you're just like, I don't know what the fuck's wrong. Dude, honestly, I think this nap fucked me out. Yeah, it's the nap. No, it's for sure the nap. Your hormones are all, they're everywhere. You know, they're ebbed. No, I'm the same way. Too much caffeine.

MSG? I'll say this, I had a A Yerba and a half Yeah And those make me I rate full psychosis But here's the thing I don't understand Like

What was your drug experience back when you were drinking a drugging? It was there Man I told you I'm more than what I wasn't Like that's right Notice how it touches a cigarette And I feel better Yeah Was there

Uh Do you fuck? I'm vaccinated Did you fuck with speed at all? A gang called speed? Oh, hell yeah. Only one mode? I'm asking because the way that I feel with a Yerba and a half is not that pleasant.

Like I feel agitated. I feel like. I do not like it. Yeah. I vibrate. I'm like, I do not like it. It's bad.

I never fucked up speed. I mean, I did coke. I mean, that is in the same, like your heart rates up. It's an upper. I don't like the,

what I'm trying to say is I realize that I don't like even a slight feeling of agitation of like. You know, like, but hold on. Let's get back to. My mom also got surgery yesterday. Oh, now we're getting to it. Yeah. You got a lot going on, man.

Thank you for opening up. Yeah. Okay. I love you, Gail. She's doing it right. It went well. Yes. Good.

Good. God bless. All right. She's taking, yes. Do you feel that you fall into occasionally dry drunk shit where you can be unduly sensitive about the way people perceive you? Without a doubt. Absolutely.

Yes. Now, can I, can I just remind you? And those are the times I pop, pop off on people in the comments or I like. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, that's, like not. That's a try drunk.

That's a place you got to avoid. All right. All right. Well, let me take you someplace. Right now, I had an instinct to drop into the comments because a thing that I do is I do comic books, right? I don't know if we talked about this on the shit or whatever, but I do comic books. and my new book by Zoomers is getting called a gooner book

because it's got good-looking women in it and shit. And boobies. And I have to restrain myself from dropping in. Oh, yeah, brother. I love boobo. That's right. Like, I'm like, you were. And also, I'm not turning my back on being bisexual.

I didn't think that, yeah. Like, I, you know. I didn't think you were going to conversion therapy. Yeah, I think you're over explaining. I don't think anybody thinks you know. That would be a surprise. I'm all suck a cock on this podcast. Bring it out.

Ian, you don't have to. I have to. So he gets in his dry drunk shit sometimes. Frequently. Really? What do you do to get out of it? I'd go for a run or I go just like walk up. I live in L.A., so I'll go walk up a mountain.

I just need to... Let's go to a meeting when I'm out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's been a while. I probably should, honestly. I have friends that go to meetings and they're trying to pull me into it, And I'm like, I don't know if I should, I'm allowed to be there. And then, like, I don't know.

I'm staying in West Hollywood. Oh, you're staying in West Hollywood? Yeah. Yeah, I'm staying at a circuit party. A bunch of these gay guys I know are having it. Doesn't that healthy? Not that kind of meeting. But, all right, the reason I bring it up is because his life is going better.

It's going fantastic. Almost day after day. Yeah, yeah. Now, so far as I knew, you're very successful at this moment. People love what you do. You've got a name for yourself. I'm saying it is. It's so fascinating that you're on the hedonic treadmill of 15 years ago.

You would have sucked a cock to get a mention on Rogan. And now because it's not the mention that you want, you feel a way about it, right? And what I'm trying to say is it's interesting. Also, I have reached out the past few times. I've been in Austin, New Rogan, and they're like, you should have reached out earlier. We're all booked up.

And I'm like, fuck you. Okay. Now, when I say there's levels. Yeah, there's levels. See, he's got, we're in the basement now. of this guys. What's bringing him here? Okay.

That's very nice to you say. Thank you. I don't know if I feel successful. I need to take a step back and look at everything, but that's very nice to you to say, and I appreciate that. And I need to live in that more and recognize that more because I don't feel that way, I guess. So thank you.

That's the trap that you can never really escape in life at any level of success, because you could, like two years ago, I was unemployed, you know, living on my girlfriend's couch in Chicago. I remember. Nothing going for me. Nothing. I used to work in television. Industries in the complete shitter.

And now my, my girlfriend's, my fiancee. We're getting married in three months. I have a great job. I have a great apartment. But, like, there's still days where I'm like, I'm fucked up. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. But, like, you have to have that moment of self-reflection where you're like,

oh, I, if I could show myself my life to myself two years ago. I would be like, oh, wow, it all fucking worked out. I can relax. But yet on the day to day, I'm losing my mind. Yeah. Well, it's band shit, too. Like, bands will play a town. Maybe it's not as lit as it was the previous time.

And they're, you know, they're despondent, right? But not realizing that it's remarkable that anybody likes you at all because we who the fuck cares about it. And also we forget the outliers like, you know, you're playing at the same time as the Lilac Festival in Rochester. And that's the thing that they do because the sun is finally coming out. Sure. But, like, there's so many different, you know, things that are going on at a certain time

that if you just look so closely and go, oh, this is a reflection to me, it's like, you don't know what's happening. Like, you don't know, like, that they, the website messed up the ticket sales or something or, like, some other extenuating circumstances going on to make it so that this moment is not the exact moment you had carved out in your mind. Well, that's the thing is that everybody takes a snapshot. wish it to be. Yeah. Yeah. They take a snapshot of this like one moment and they don't compartmentalize it.

Instead, they, what do you call it when you make it something, everything? You know what I mean? It's, uh, you make it emblematic of, of your whole existence. Like, oh, it's always like this for me. And in fact, it's not. Bands do this a lot. My point is, uh, just trying to, now that I, I hope I've taken you on a journey, we, we, we dived into why you were miserable.

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Well, I do like that and I would like to add on to that some more compliments. So if you could, please. I think you're looking filled out in a positive way where you've got shoulders now. I think you look good. Thank you. Thank you. Less physical. More, you know, like, my act has been evolving.

Have you seen me? I haven't seen you in a year. I saw you like a year ago, and I will say, like, the hardest I laughed at a comedy show on a long time. I swear to God, I wouldn't say that if it wasn't true. Not blowing smoke. Thank you, thank you, thank you. So I am having a bit, we set it out. I am having, I don't know if you guys can relate or not, like a bit of an existential crisis.

I have every day. Things are, like, yes, yes, things are, I am succeeding. I'm selling out more, more opportunities are coming. I'm I'm all the things I'm having now would have been problems I would have killed four or five 10 years ago like you said but I'm at this point now where I'm like well what's it for what is all this for why am I doing this so I can sell out and be a god in Kansas City for a weekend I'm a big swinging dick and fucking Calgary great but like I want to share it with someone I want a life with someone I want to take someone around I want to build to the next phase of my life so that when that's other shit that's frivolous falls. Yeah, yeah. It is not, I don't look at it as a direct reflection of my well-being and my value. I want other things.

And I'm just at a place of like, because I have a hard time with balance. So when I do get that, you know, relationship, I make that everything. And oh, my God, this is what's, this is what it's all for. And then that falls through my hands, like the sands of the hours, glass of time. Sure. And I go, okay, well. now what you know and and I think I do desire a partner partnership growth life a family but more than anything I need to have more connective tissue with myself to strengthen whatever bond I have

with something else so that when that breaks I will be fine well I think that future proofing yourself against the fact that this is all ephemeral like yeah you know like the same thing with music, they like you one day and then they fucking don't care about you again. And so I think that that's good and I think that it's, in principle, I think it's wise to base that on like a real meaningful love

with somebody. But then, you know, relationships dissolve and you're fucking back at zero and you're fucking hanging yourself in a fucking, you know, at a motel sex. I mean, you could grow old together. Yeah, you could, but I'm saying... I know, I just want to find my person to grow old with. Yeah, sure. I will say as someone who's getting married is pretty

great. Listen, I love being married all that shit. It is great. I'm just trying to say that like, that you're having

your ecclesiastical moment, your Buddha moment where you go and like everything's vanity, nothing matters. Like, and then the instinct is, oh,

like a family matters. And I agree with that. And it's a great show. Yes. Did I do that? Whatever happened to, predictability. But the,

but, oh no, that's full house. You're doing full house. You're doing full house. What was, Everywhere you're Everywhere is a hot

Is that right? And hold on to Yeah the same guy did Full House step by step And Family Matters, Generational TV show theme song run This guy was up on Wikipedia all night That wasn't the older thick

Was it? The older thick did a bunch of Alan Thick Allen Thick did a bunch of Rest in peace Oh I think is Alan Thick dead He might be dead Can I say something really hypothetical

I don't know if I should Please. Hypothetically Robin Thick. Mm-hmm. You're supposed to sexually out people? Is that out? I wouldn't do it. Is that out?

Never mind. Why, what do you do? He didn't do it. He did something to you. No. He made you dance naked in his white lines music video. My brother swears on his life that he saw the man getting head from a man in a public park. Swears on his life says that the unmistakable there is, they made eye contact.

That says more about your brain. about your brother going to the get head from men. Walking through the brambles. I mean, listen. That does Robin Thick. Listen, I'm not trying to expose. That sounds like him getting out ahead of a rumor.

Here's what I'm going to say. Here's what I'm going to say. Forget all that. We don't know a thing about Robin Thick's sexuality. I just found a fascinating because if you were going to have that experience where you made eye contact with somebody getting oral sex who is. And then they went. Yeah. Who is not like, let's make it not, Alanth.

Let's make it somebody. Alan Thick's dead. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's make it Allen Thick. Okay. Because it can't be... I was thinking Robin Thick.

We were going to make it Allen Thick. Allen Thick was in the park getting ahead. Okay. So my point is, that's a funny experience that you then... I exposed this. I shouldn't have done that. You're going to hear from the lawyers.

Yeah, everybody is hypothetical in Minecraft. It's not true. It's not true. It's also not true. Your brother... Yeah, doesn't you... My brother's got a terrible drug bottle. Lost his glasses.

Also, you... He's your brother, so you're trying to besmirch his life. Yeah, we got a Neil, Kevin thing going on. Yeah. This is not, we're talking about family matters, not family court. Let's get back to it. So he saw Urkel Copp and Dome in the park, in the park. Well, Erkel wouldn't, so we saw Stefan.

Yeah, we saw Stefan Cop and Dome. So, okay, where were. Do you think after Erkel precomes, he goes, can I do that? Yes, of course. Yes, of course. I mean, there's zero chance that he hasn't used that in his personal life. Zero chance. So.

But then after he fucks, he goes, I did that. Yeah, exactly. I mean, he definitely goes straight to Stefan. Dude, when I was in second grade, me and my friend in the talent show, I was Steve Urkel, he was Carl Winslow. I did a great Urkel impression. Blackface? No blackface?

You know what? Honestly, it, it, it's been a long time. The statute of limitations on black faces up. I have to admit, I'm telling everyone right now, we did not do blackface. And it didn't even come up because we were inherently good people. Okay. Okay. Not once.

Did anyone say you should do that? No Justin Trudeau nonsense. It makes me feel so good. And Halloween 2004, me and my buddy were Serena and Venus Williams for Halloween. And we did not do black face, but we did chop our dicks off. Listen, is there any costume for which you have done something in the black face? Nope. Never even came up.

I find that a little different. never even came up. I feel like you shouldn't say that one because it like oversells the premise. I'm just telling the truth. I'm telling the truth. Now have I done blackface without a costume? Now we're going. Yes. All right. Okay.

But in the context of costumes. What about other faces? Because they got brown face and they got yellow face as well. I was. It's like if you have jaundice. Billy Idol's eyes without a face. Okay.

Okay. But no faces. No. Okay. Would you say that's normal or would you say you're an outlier in that respect? I don't know. I think I'm just grateful I grew up around people that like. It really enlightened young people.

Maybe. I mean, maybe there were like jokes made, but nobody ever seriously was like, do that this is a good idea. Like, I don't know. I'm rack at my brain and I'm like, no. I just can't imagine growing up and having. I can understand people doing it thinking it's funny, but I can't imagine being in that environment

and those types of people where everyone collectively agrees, like, this is a good idea, you know what I mean? Yeah, me either. You're talking about, like, when we're- Yes, so I'm saying, like, I'm grateful, like, I grew up, like, with, like, good enough people. I think it's really impressive that you guys were so good, you know? Yeah.

Look who's got a past. Listen, I'm just, let me ask you a question. Yes. Okay. Now, obviously, comedian, this kind of expands your boundaries of permissible behavior because you can take a joke. But let's, what do you think the statute of limitations is or the age cutoff? For example, if you did blackface when you were 13, I hope to God everybody would forgive you. But if you did blackface when you were 23, would you forgive yourself?

Yeah, because I look at again, like I said it earlier with like the fucking Rogan thing. It's like I'm not who I was 10 years ago when I was, you know, speaking more flagrantly about my own life. It's like people change. And I think I think any behaviors when you were younger, not to be excused a way, but can be understood in a way that makes you realize like, oh, you're like a different person. This was a different time. This was something that I don't think you were ill intentioned with. You were fucking stupid. Well, you've been sober for what, 11, 10, 10, 11?

11, but I mean, I've been trying since 2008. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've been sober for six and a half. And, like, I think about back the times when I would, I used to drink every day. Yeah. Because I couldn't fall asleep. And so, like, when I think about, I mean, it's hard, you know, in, it's hard to think back, like, with a clear picture of, like, who you were because you're, you've obviously,

grown since then. But like, I don't know. I would hope that now that I think I'm a different person in a lot of ways that people wouldn't judge you. Like if you're fucked up all the time and now you're not fucked up all the time, they would go, oh, that guy went through

some, he made some changes, right? So I would hope that people would extend that grace. Totally, yeah. But I also don't think, you know, high school kids when they're saying like slurs and stuff on Twitter when they're 14 should have their life ruined

when they go to college or something because something is unearthed. It's like, dude, people were dumber. They were stupid. Your brain isn't fully developed. I think people will do the bad thing

to try to fit in because they think it's the cool thing. Especially when you're young. Yeah. And like to punish like a 23 year old kid for something they did when they were 14, I think does way more harm than good. So I know a fella professionally

who is, sweetheart of a guy did must have done I've never been so sure that somebody's done something so heinous really heinous how well he's in the anus he's a former gang member sort of fella

who is now ultra religious ultra like if he's if he's feeling anxious you know like he's also sober and when he's feeling anxious he'll go down to the sidewalk and evangelize and proselytize to people about

Jesus, right? I would rather you keep robbing me. Well. But I'd never been so confident in talking to somebody, oh, this is, you're, you're dealing with something that you can't live with. I used to volunteer on the weekends. And just for, like, it makes me feel good. I enjoy it.

And there was a guy, this guy named June, who would volunteer every single day all over the city, like nonstop, and I was like, this guy's got something in his closet. Sure. There's something that June done did that is making June done do a lot of things to undo with June done. But here's the question, right? Not to get deep, but... Get deep.

Has June not... He can't undo whatever he did, but what are we supposed to do about it, June? June is obviously, as you say, in a very different place. than old June. Yeah. So what seemed to be said about your friend? Yeah, sure. Or my period of constant blackface.

You know what? Yes. Christ. Fucking idiots. So my point is, what are we supposed to do? Like, I saw Russell Brand getting murdered, right? Like online for whatever. That clip was pretty great.

With him thumbing through the Bible. The Bible thing. That was so funny. It was pretty good. That was a joke, right? I feel like it had to have been a bit. It was almost too perfect. It had to be.

The timing, yeah. My thing is, everybody just assumes he's on, like, oh, he's gotten trouble, so he's pivoted to Jesus. But, like, wouldn't it suck if you just pivoted to Jesus and you don't really have anything? Just like, you were like, I think I'm going to pivot to Jesus. Yeah, why not? And everyone thinks it's like, what the fuck did this guy do? I mean, why I was like, can't I just like? It's literally called it come to Jesus.

Yeah, I feel the glory of his greatness through my, through my bones. But this is my point. Like, what are we supposed to do? do about a fella, let's presume that he really is in a very different space, like a different man. I just, I wonder about the sort of, you know, and these are tired conversations, obviously, because we just went through this whole, like, period of our culture where accountability was the constant conversation. But, but, like, now that we're somewhat on the other side of it, I just wonder, what do you

do about a person? Like, you know how they say people are, you're different, even all your cells are different after seven years, whatever it is. You literally, what are you supposed to do about somebody who might have murdered somebody when they were 23 and they're 47 now? And am I supposed to lock up a different man now? Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, to your point, you're different. You're not the, punishing you would be to be punishing a stranger to that 23-year-old. Right, but I think you just said it right there. Killing someone at 23 is different than like doing something in the pursuit of jokes and it was a bad joke. Wow. You know.

Who's to say what the murder was about? You know what I'm saying? Like, we, we, yes, everybody has a limit, right? Like, there's things that we all would go, and I can't stand by that. I mean, this fellow's a little dangerous to be around. I don't like it.

But I'm just saying, I've met people like through recovery, right? Like, my father was a GA guy. You go to your AA or whatever. And you meet people through recovery that are, profoundly different people than they were yeah they don't even recognize themselves

and that's a pain to them I mean a pain they should see the beauty but there's a pain in it I will say that I feel like people in you know I get caught up in in this

whether it being an absolute truth or if it changes or not but I feel like people in prison that have absolved and shown to have literally dedicated their life to retribution and changing character. If you murdered someone at 23 and you've been in prison,

you're an old man and you've done outreach and you're taking care of other prisoners and you're like living a good life, I personally feel that it would be more beneficial to have you on the outside world helping others than it would to have you still paying for a crime. You have obviously worked to not undo, but to, you know, I guess like make up for, I don't know. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah. This is what I mean, though. It's a different, literally a different man. Like, the worldview that informed whatever the bad behavior was just a man. And you're still gang banging of 47 and you're still like a piece of shit. It's like, well, you're constitutionally incapable of learning your lesson. If they killed your mom, you might feel away about it. Well, that's the thing.

That's the thing. That's why I think if, if some, anytime someone goes to jail for, like, murder or rape, their penance should be that they are, alone in a room for 15 minutes with that person's family. And they are allowed to do anything they want to them, not murder them, not, you know, but just like beat the fuck out of them.

And then that can shave off prison time for the person. It is, again, going back to Instagram Reels, I like the ones where the guy will, like, dive over the table. You never know if it's cake or if it's, no,

there'll be a guy like on trial for doing something horrible and, like, the dad will, like, get through and just start wailing on it. I will cry watching. I think they're so beautiful. I think they're so amazing. And I would like to think that I'd be the same person to do that. We also grow with Jerry Springer.

So I'm just like, you know, I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it feels good. Yeah. But the question is, if somebody is, they didn't go to jail. They're 23 when they commit the murder. They're 47 now. They're different person. Do you throw them in jail for the behavior?

If they get caught. Okay. It's all about getting caught. Yeah. We never, we should have talked. This is New York stuff. We got a rap soon, but we should have talked about the stupid shoplifting article. What happened?

What happened? You didn't see this. No. Oh, my God. You're not. You are suffering a certain type of myopic thing going on. You're two in your own head. By the way, thank you for letting me use it on my special.

No problem. I will shut that down now. But the, but. He's going to see a check after that. Did you not see the, this was a whole hub of blue on social media. Basically, woman does this article about stealing from Whole Foods. Right. With the understanding that she doesn't need to steal from Whole Foods,

that's part of the article, right? Turns out her place is like $2.5 million. She's done very well for herself. And she steals from Whole Foods. And she steals from Whole Foods. And it kicked up this whole... They make it very easy. Well, yeah.

But they kicked up this whole conversation about kind of the ethical shoplifting, and now they're calling it micro-looting, right? Like, there's a whole online conversation. I've not, and how did I miss this? And then you run into this thing where it's like, they're ripping us off

and then you kind of have like the conservative voice that goes, walking into Whole Foods is an elective thing. Right. Ripping you off. Right.

You know what I mean? You're choosing to go. They're not scamming. But at a certain point, it's like with the preservatives and additives and everything they put in the fucking food that's available for cheaper.

It's like if you want to live a healthier life, you have to eat more expensive food and then they overcharge you. So it's like you're kind of, pigeonholed. I would just, I would feel bad if there's like a guy who's like the floor manager and he sees the, the, you know, all those shopliftings are going up. And so then like the whoever owns the store, the general manager of the store is like,

hey dude, like all this shit's getting stolen on your watch. You're out of here. I would feel bad for that guy. But it's a weird thing. It's all right out here. When we, when we steal from places, we're not thinking about like the other working person. We're treating it like, oh, hey, buddy, why do you give a fuck about this corporate job?

It's not your food. Right. It's not your stuff. Which is all true enough, except, hey, if it comes down on me. Like, if the shit rolls down on my head. I'm fucked. Yeah, like, because I remember when I worked at a movie theater as a kid, nobody on earth gives a fuck if somebody steals candy from the movie theater,

except if they do it in front of you. And all the time. And then you got to be like, hey, man, on no level do I care except for, A, now I kind of feel disrespected, but B. Yeah, I'm going to get shit for this. Yeah. And I might get shit can. Right.

The floor manager making... My old thing is like, if you're going to steal from Whole Foods or something, don't make yourself out to be this, you know, like Envogue Robin Hood and it's altruistic. Just be a class warrior. Just be honest and say you like the high you get from stealing. Well, that's... And that's what it is. Okay?

That's klepto shit. You don't indulge that. I steal from Whole Foods on one condition if there's a line because I won't wait in a line for any reason. So people can feel how they want about that. Whole Foods, who I'm very dedicated to, I go to Whole Foods every morning. Sorry, but if you make me wait in line, I get low blood sugar,

and I'm not playing that game. I'll get you next time. I will honest, I try to be ethical in my stealing. I just like the rush of like, I got to wait a day. That's bad. I don't like it. I know.

I'm sorry. I don't like it at all. What? I find none of that sort of like, because the idea. But I try, if I steal, I'll leave money for the cashier or I'll leave money for this. I donate to a Native American school in North Dakota. I donate to the ASPCA, Planned Parenthood, Nature of Conservatory.

I try. You do your part. I try to do my part. I try to take from here and give to there. But I do like the rush. So here. But also, I'm not paying $8.50 for a water at the Hudson News at LaGuardia Airport. That's a good point.

It's a good point. I'm popping a water in my bag. I'm sorry. Especially no one stops you. Yes. No one stopping you. I'm sorry. Yeah.

I've got gray hair. So the idea of somebody younger than me most likely, putting their hand on my shoulder. It's insane. Yeah. Hey, brother. Let me see your bag. Yeah. I would immediately walk onto the tarmac at the airport and walk into a jet engine.

I learned from my grandmother. It's too embarrassing. My grandmother would steal turkeys from Acme. And when she'd get caught, they go, miss, she'd go, I have a brain to. I got confused. She put him under her dress? No, she put it underneath the cart and then pushed the car out. Oh, I see.

Sure, sure. So look, if you get caught, just say you have a brain tumor. And then if they get upset at you, say, I am an old attack. You're going to be from Delaware. How dare you? I will say, hey, I'm low blood sugar. I'll, here's 10 bucks, but I can't wait in this fucking line.

I do that. When I'm in line and I'm waiting, I do the thing where you leave cash and you just leave. I leave extra cash and just go take it, I'm out. Yeah. You know, like I won't steal if there's a line. I'll just leave the money. Sure.

And fucking run because I hate lines. You look so sad and stressed and upset. Because it's, you know what it is? Because I would do the same thing. I have the same, I have like a combination of both your things. Like where stealing, I'll get that like, I feel it adds a little chaos to your day. Yeah. But then the idea of getting caught is so mortifying.

And I've come, I came to the realization right or wrong. I don't know. How do you think I feel? I'm successful. Successful. Yeah. People can recognize your face, though. That's crazy.

Was that a dig at me? Anyway. Thank you. You're like Winona Ryder. But see, the thing is, it's like that, whatever that is, whatever that rush you're getting, whether it's good or bad, that's, to me, that's the same as if I was, like, drinking, you know? You're a million percent right.

You're absolutely right. And, like, it feeds into the dry drunk, anxiety. My behavior is wrong, and I do not do it all the time. I am admitting the airport. It sucks. I'm there. weekend. Usually, usually what I'll do is I'll bring a empty bottle and I'll fill it with the water. But sometimes I forget and I will, you know, take a water from the Hudson News.

Or I will, when I get my order from Starbucks, go up and get my cheese tray for free. But that's Starbucks. I mean, come on. If I was, if I had to be in an airport as often as you guys are, I, yeah, I would probably be in that. I mean, it's miserable for sure. Yeah. But also articles like that, you're never going to to win. No. No one is ever going to agree. And also, it always comes back to you where if you're making yourself out to be

altruistic, like I have rules with my stealing. I will not steal from a mom and pop. I will not steal from a small place. I will steal from bigger, whatever. But I'm making no bones about it. I'm being a piece of shit.

I'm not doing it as if I'm some like, you know, class, whatever. But I think when you make yourself out like that, you're getting get caught for being a fucking fool. Yeah. I mean,

because you're, you're not doing an action that matters, right? And it's self-serving. It's not like you're stealing it to give it to the less fortunate. You're assuming yourself the less fortunate. I do excuse myself and make myself feel better because I donate money to all these like different fucking whatever. Yeah, but I'm kind of with you. I think it's better to be sociopathic.

Like, and, and, and I think it's better. Did he say that? Well, I think it's better to just say, hey, man, I wanted it so I took it. I'm not going to make any fucking excuses here. I gave my money to an Indian school or whatever you say. Yeah, I don't think that. The Indian school is so funny because they send me these letters and it looks to be made in the handwriting of a job.

You can tell it's printed. But on every letter, it's like, Ian, help us. Ian, please help. I'm desperate. We can't read and there's no water. Stealing from whole boots. And then they say you'll like open it up with like what you donate this month. It's like, if you up your donation, we'll send you a blanket.

And I'm like, I know how this plays out. Take it. Taking it. Taking a trick out of our book, huh, Chief? Well played. So, yeah, I think it's, I think you don't need to, you don't need to justify anything. You can't, there's, there's lots of pieces of shit.

It's only in this, like, kind of this world, like, you know, you wear glasses, we have creative jobs and shit. It's like, this is like the world that talks about why we steal. Right. You know what I mean? But there's a whole world that's just like, I don't know, I fucking, I wanted a fucking zagnut. But if, I think if you do steal, you should do something,

nice in the day later for some ways. You should balance your karma. Always balance your karma. If you steal, you should donate money. If you steal, you should give something to someone else. If you steal, you should help someone out somehow throughout the day. That's how I feel. Whatever you take away, you should give back.

A balance of everything always. Okay. If you do blackface, you should do China face. How do I get right? Hypothetically, if I spent a few weeks in 2014 doing blackface, All right. It's coming out now. It was very hypothetically.

What would I do to get right? Live a good life. Be kind. Be good to other people. Help other people out, you know? Really, what can you do? Self-flagellate? Call yourself out in some form of tenants when in reality you're going to hurt the people around you more than make things better.

It's like- I think anybody did spend, for example, the COVID. I'm just thinking about strange people, right? Because Blackface is an odd thing to do. We can agree on that. Right. Unless you're bored, then it makes sense. This is kind of where I'm going. This is where boredom takes you.

I've been really bored. I haven't arrived there. This is kind of where I'm going. Do you think anybody spent significant portions of the pandemic in either black face, yellow face, brown face, etc? Like, do you think that somebody in their home was doing this during COVID? This is the weirdest most unanswerable question. I mean, I don't know.

There are odd people out there. I mean, you know, they like to. Okay, for example, there's a Twitch streamer who, just covers their entire body in green paint. I've seen that guy. He does really well. He pretends to be a frog. He's a frog guy.

Yeah. So he covers. And he kills it. This is what I'm saying. So like, this is the new economy. This is how you make money. This used to be steel.

It used to, then it was like TV shows. Sure. Tech was a thing. Tech was a thing for a minute. Now it's paint yourself green and rib it. Yeah. On camera.

For donations. But my point is people have all these COVID stories. Like, oh yeah, I got into this strange thing. I got into that strange thing. I was really off. I wasn't myself, right?

So I'm just asking, do you think that there was a person? There's millions of people, 350 million people in the United States. All depends on which vaccine they got. Yeah, it could be related to that. I mean, there's people that get home from work and, you know, they're out there on the street job all day with their suit on, and then they get home, they relax, they put on a dress. There's nothing wrong with that. But I guess.

Well, dude, there's that, that Channel 5's all gas, no breaks, just came out with a new episode about adult baby. Yeah, I don't care of that. Adult baby diaper lovers. And they put on diapers and hire mommies, you know. Non-performing. How much is a mommy? A mommy can be like 400 bucks an hour. Whoa.

Or a whole life of guilt and shame. Oh, different type. $400 bucks. That was more of a mother versus a mommy. $400 an hour. This is the new economy. Again, new economy. I'm just saying non-performative blackface, like where you're doing it for yourself.

That's what I'm trying to drive at. Do you think that person exists? Yes. Do you think that person exists? I think I'm looking at them. It was all. It was all very hypothetical. I apologize to you, fellas.

I think I have to, oh, shit. Yeah, let's get out of here. Let's wrap it up. What do you want the people to check out, guys? Worst possible timelines, the name of the podcast. There's 85 people who are really stoked right now. And, no, it was a little bit. So everybody, we've had a steady Patreon for years, which is crazy because we offer so little.

We just talk, right? It's a phone call between the two of us. We don't even have video. Yeah. We're working on it. There's just people that find it fascinating that for a decade, we've had an ongoing conversation where we never arrived. any truths about ourselves or each other.

No, no growth. We don't even get, we don't even get better at it. Yeah, right. That's the other thing. Yeah. There's no arc in terms of like our talent. Yeah. Yeah, it's rough.

But you guys do have a cult following though. Yes. There's still people to this day from the episode we did like three years ago where people are like, dude, I can't believe you got those guys on, blah, blah, blah. It's a very, shout out to the army. It's a shout out to Kevin. It's the same guy. He won't stop.

It's a very niche thing. But it's, is it niche or niche? I'm in, you know. Blackface. Go ahead. I'm in Blackface. Sorry, the wax scene has me all fucked up. But you also are in a band.

I don't know. You don't like to cross the streams. No, it's fine. I also play music. I got to go run now and do that. But Drug Church, self-defense family. Comics. My comic books are out.

Tiger Island is available for purchase now. I don't do anything. Don't hit me up. Just go ahead. And don't hit me up. just purchase the things. Right, yeah. Purchase the things, yeah.

You know, support me and whatever. And the Patreon. I don't want to get a real job at any junction. No. Avoid that at all costs. Thank you for having us. Always. Thanks, man.

I appreciate. And you're smiling now. And it seems sincere. Yeah, no, you're back on the good foot. Yeah, no, I feel better. Yeah. This is really great. You're going to you guys.

You're going to. You go out. It was a new number. No, that's a shit. You're fucking asshole. Eamfinance.com for all my dates. I'm going all over. And I am,

uh, got some. I have a new improvised special coming out in May on my YouTube channel, YouTube.com slash Ian Finance Comedy. Ian doing odd guy doing odd jobs every other Tuesday. Patreon.com slash be in Eam pod and punchup. Dot live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. All right, guys.

See you next time. Bye bye.