Bein' Ian With Jordan - Third Hand Smoke W/Ivy Wolk & Nick Viagas | Bein' Ian with Jordan #214

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

Hilarious comedians Nick Viagas & Ivy Wolk join mommy & daddy to talk about hooking up with older dudes, mental health, & some True Hollywood Stories. SUB TO OUR PUNCHUP FOR EXCLUSIVES! All of our dates AND bonus episodes are now available in one convenient place, all for the same price as the Patreon! Visit punchup.live/beinianwithjordan Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/SKA Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Ivy! https://instagram.com/wolkmindvirus2 Follow Nick! https://instagram.com/nickviagas Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's sliced deli-meat products for always $375. And get Life Brand Pure Vita shampoo or conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready, with a whole world and more. What's that, Glenn? You want to know where I'm performing live? Eiffidance.com for all tickets and dates. Madison, Wisconsin, Comedy on State, September 3rd to 5th,

Saratoga Comedy Festival, September 11th to 12th, Charlotte, North Carolina. the 17th and 19th Dallas, Fort Worth, Texas. Let's sell it out October 1st to 3rd. Philly, Philly Helium, November 5th to 7th. I'm going all over. Ianfinance.com for tickets, patreon.com slash be and Ian Pod for bonus episodes. A lot of fun on there. And also Ian doing odd guy doing odd jobs, my TV show on YouTube produced by YMH,

punchup.com slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. And when it's being Ian with friends, being Ian and friends, we want you to check the friends. out. So make sure whoever's on the pod, you follow them, check out their dates. Thanks for supporting the show. We love you. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding backs all through the night. It's a wild ride.

When you're being in, coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride. When you're being in, being in. Life is shit, but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live

Alive being in With Jordan The dog is probably scared The cat will make his way to you Okay And You would like to take the cat, okay Give the cat

Okay, give the cat. Do the dog and the cat like each other? Dude, today they got along like super well. They got along. His name is Glenn. Hi, Glenn. He's the best.

How old is he? He's a year and a half. Really? That's it? Yeah, he's just a baby. He's so little, a little. I love his little stripes. Yeah, he's my little house lion.

He'll climb around a bit. If you want it too much, he'll kind of walk away, but if you are kind of nonchalant, he'll come up and be like, oh, he loves that comb. He has like sensory issues. me yank that apart and it turns into a knife. Really? Yes, so be careful. Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Oh, yeah, he likes that. Oh, yeah, he digs that. Hello. I do I should collect the fur. Should we collect the fur and make a glen out of the fur? I could felt it. I know how to felt. You could felt it.

Yeah. And then I could color it. I've been coloring. I have, I have painters markers. I've been coloring at night. Oh, yeah. I need to do stuff like that. I know.

Isn't that fun? We need to like have hobbies. We just said that we're going to do a new thing. when we travel on the road each weekend we're going to get a little gift for each other and bring it to each other and share it on the podcast. Aw.

Is that nice? Girlfriend. When Nick and I hang out, we just talk about people's allegations. It's taken four years for us to be nice to each other. What? We're nice to each other. We're plenty nice to each other.

Yeah. My theory is you guys are best friends because he has a, whatever you call that. What? A stutter. So she just gets to talk endlessly. That kind of is really true. So he just gets stuck.

Is it a stutter? Is it a stutter? Yeah. I just really feel like this is the way the cultural America is heading right now. TBI. Okay. It's not a TBI.

Thank you for asking. It's a stutter. Yeah. So sometimes after shows people come up to me and they'll be like, I love your tick or whatever. And it's like I say I have a stutter like fucking six times when I'm on stage. Well, people don't listen and they have no radio.

It's like, oh, you're a doctor. You're a fucking doctor. Yeah. And I used to have that. He did a lot of Adderon and changed. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

When I was 18, I did, I think 180 milligrams of Adderall and it like changed my my stutter. So now it's just thing. Oh my God. You're like Sid Barrett. Worse. How many days did you do that many times?

How many days in a row you're saying? Or just how many in my life? Was it one big time? One big time. Yeah. I remember it changed over a night. It was like a didda to like, werewolf.

Yeah. Did anything change like psychologically in your way of like processing stuff? Or was it just all verbal? No. Yeah. All verbal. And I, because also when I was a kid, it would change a good amount because it used to be like, I would block. So I'd just be like, like, like that.

And then it became like, less of a stutter or more of a stop. Yes. Yeah. But, yeah, nothing changed. I mean, I'm sure it had some kind of effect on me. I mean, it made me addicted to Adderall. I could never hate you. I would spend all day just being like, just try.

Just try not doing it. Stop pretending. He lives with the guy with Tourette's now and I'm calling it the spit-it-out house. Beny Feldman. Do you know how? Yeah. Benny Feldman. Yeah, he's great.

Oh my God. The say something house. Getting through a story at your place must be a nightmare. It is a luny tunes ass arrangement. It's that house. Five hours of trying to tell each other about your dad. Also, when I stutter triggers his thing. So like we go back and forth triggering each other.

Just loud and nasty. It's annoying. I was saying we should start a podcast. Please don't. Every episode will be five and a half hour. Oh, my God. People will sponsor it to stop. that's crazy

I am so excited welcome back to another episode of being Ian with Jordan and Glenn and Coyote we are so excited for our guests today Ivy and Nick his eyes are the most beautiful eyes

in the world how is he was incredible eyes and you guys promoting something our podcast and our podcast and our podcast we just started the struggle best podcast

oh nice and also we joined a network and then we're kicked off the network because we were making jokes about how we wanted to smoke crack in the office and they said that we can't talk that way in a corporate environment. Shut up.

Yeah. I asked the engineer to bring up gay porn on the-on-the-screen behind us. It was like a women's business empowerment network. Mostly they do podcasts. They're about leadership, whatever that means. But they let us onto the premises and we immediately squandered our opportunity. And we vaped. We vaped in the studio.

Incessantly, we vaped. Good for you. What do they expect? That's what I thought. Literally the last episode that we recorded. before we went into the studio. It was called the most raped girl in America. Yeah.

Who's that? Meg Bichel. Who won? Meg Bichel. Oh, the French woman? No. That's got to be her. No, that's Meg Markle.

No, she was the German chancel. What do you mean? The French woman who's husband would drug her? Well, that's literally the most raped woman in France. Oh, I'm thinking of Prince Harry's like, Meg. Megan Markle. Megan Markle. Angela is a German chancellor, but we're talking about Meg Bichel.

And she was talking about the wife whose husband would drug her and then have everyone in the neighborhood. and rape her. That's me. Your Giselle. Pelico of your generation. Hello. She rules.

She does rule. Wait, that's a person that does that? Giselle, well, she was done unto her. Oh, oh, oh. This woman was like, it's a horrific story.

Usually people don't go forward with their faces, and she went forward and was like, I'm going to tell people this is what happened to be, and I'm going to have my name and my face on it. Dream guest on the podcast. She's like a middle-aged woman, like maybe like 55. And her husband was, like, drugging her every night and was, like, having people run trains on her.

And there's like a WhatsApp. There was like a WhatsApp chat of, like, everyone in the neighborhood. Come on over. Yeah. She was getting a train on her. And she was waking up and being like, I feel bad and hurt and weird. And he was like, yeah, you were tossing and turning. And then when did this happen?

Like a few years ago. Oh, God. Did anything happen in the man? Did you get killed? Did they beat them up? Do you know? I think there was a trial. Yeah.

And she wrote a memoir. It's true. Worth it. How do you write a memoir if you're asleep? How do you write a memoir if you're asleep? I think it wasn't more of the memoir about the realization and then the aftermath. I don't think it was a memoir about the actual happiness. It wasn't like a dream journal.

Imagine you fall asleep and you're raped 50 times and you wake up and you're like... I was thinking. That's how I wake up every day. How do you not know? That's what it feels like to be me. Why? Just ghosts are just beating my ass in my sleep. I've been having spooky ass dreams lately.

Really? Yeah. Are you sober? Oh, clean. She's clean. I don't do what I was addicted to. What were you addicted to? Enzo's in ketamine. What's up?

So what do you do? Do you smoke weed? No, and I don't drink. So what do you do? She does like research chemicals and shit like that. Oh, that's a great song by the Niagara Boys shout out, research chemicals. So you are sober day to day. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's why you're having. I see no issue. And I'll give you. I'm on SSRIs. Which one? Zoloft. How much?

75. Which is the lowest I've ever been. I was on 200. I was on 250 from the time I was... I had to get off it. Yeah, I was on 250 plus an inhibitor from the time I was 13 to 18. Brother. So I was just like a piece of bread on legs.

My God. I had nothing. I helped my project to 40 the other day just to see. And I was so numb. It was crazy. I was just fully checked out. Yeah, it's awesome. I could increase...

I mean, I think I could taper up, but... Well, you got to taper. You can't just, like, jump. Well, I went from 30 to 40. I think that's fine. When you, so you're, are you having night terrors?

Or you're just waking up, like, I'm just having like, I, not night terror. Like, like what's the concept of night? Just crazy,

just observing dreams that are, that are fucking me up. But like, night terrors, it's like, what does that constitute? That's like you see the, like the ghost and the ghoul.

It's just screaming. Yeah. I am a sleep screamer, but I've always been that way since as a child. That's night terrors. But the dreams are never, but like,

I had a, I woke up screaming recently about a dream where somebody was like, can you send this email by 2 p.m. And I woke up screaming. So. I mean, that counts if that scares you.

But not in real life. Only in the dream realm for some reason. The stakes feel really high. I mean, there are times where you have a dream and you wake up and you're like, ah, and it's just because you were making a sound in your dream. Night terrors,

I think is like you get up, walk around. No, night terrors is a scream. That's sleeping. Yeah. Also, a lot of time there's like a flashback

associated with it too to something. Like it happens to people after trauma. Dude, I had kidney stone surgery. and when I got out, the anesthesiologist was like, you got pretty spicy. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, well, you wouldn't go under.

And when we tried to administer more anesthesia, you grabbed your tube, ripped it out, and grabbed me, and said, don't touch me, leave me alone. And I was like, oh, boy. That was the molested. What was that can of worms? It was the molested. When you're sober and you get surgery,

how good does that feel? Waking up from that. I was a friend called a nurse of Polok. I was afraid I was going to say the M word Well she was like I'm Polish and I was on fentany Oh when you were under I afraid I was gonna come out and be like I'm always scared of that because

Because I'm like I don't know Like how disinhibiting is anesthesia I've been under a few times And I've always like kept it cute But I'm always scared that like My intrusive thoughts get to me And I'm always like I'm gonna say something And then their nurse is gonna film it

And put it on TikTok And I came out and they were like How do you feel? I was like feel a lot better If you had some strippers out of here Showing some boobs Make everyone? smile more.

It's literally no different than who you are. They re-administer it. Yeah, they're like, please shut him the fuck up. Dude, like, I got, I got my whism. Let's try again. I had double hernianeous surgery when I was 18. When I came out of surgery, they put me in a room with my mom. And they're like, you just have to kind of recover in here for a minute.

I was like, don't leave me in here with this lady. She touches me. You're so naughty. I'm a naughty boy. So. Yes, you were about to stutter? I was, sorry. I can do it if you want.

You want me to do it? No, it's not worth it. Let her speak. It will take so long for me to say. Let's go. Loki, the god of mischief. Who? Ian?

Yeah, it wasn't worth it at all. It was worth it. Thank you, Jordan. You killed it yourself. You killed it yourself. I'll take it. Before we began, oh, I've been dying to know. We haven't began.

What? We haven't begun. Kyle. Go. Before. Before we started, you said something about heterosexuality being a farce. I would like you to explain. And then I would also like to put this out there so that we can get back to it.

Your relationship was Courtney Love because I'm so jealous and I love her so much. Okay, please go. Okay. You have a relationship with Courtney Love? Dude, dude, dude, dude. We've become friends. It's been the dream of a lifetime. Over the internet.

Oh my God, I did a podcast together. You did a podcast with it? Yeah, the show called Interior Motives where you go like, it's like a show where people submit their bedrooms anonymously and you have to guess their age, gender, sexuality, and location based on their room decor. And it's really fun and I did it with Courtney and it was awesome.

Holy shit. And then you guys stay butts. How'd you get hooked up with Courtney Love? That's incredible. That's like such a fucking dream. She followed me and a bunch of my friends on Instagram. Like she's randomly really tapped into like alternative comedy stuff. and she's just like on her phone

and I've been like just the biggest accolite of her wherever I mean I have her tattoo in my arm it's like she really is like my North Star and she followed me. What first happened was she posted a clip of me talking about her on a podcast on her Instagram and then she followed me and then I was just like, hey mama and then we just started chatting and then we did that podcast together and now we just like text like she's just like somebody in my phone. That's awesome.

It's the best. Holy shit. It infuriates me that people to this day think that she killed Kurt. It makes me so mad. So completely obvious that there was some other thing going on. The Seattle PD won't reopen it. Nothing makes sense for you to inject yourself with that much heroin. Put the caps back on the fucking needles and then finish a suicide letter.

It was such a fucking setup. And it infuriates me that instead of reopening the case and examining it and bringing closure to generations of people, her, her daughter, family, everything. It's just way easier to blame a woman. It's so easy. Well, it's like it happens all the time. It's like when they're blaming Yoko Ono for the Beatles and all that stuff. It's like, it just happens all the time.

There is a story, though, about Yoko. She didn't break the Beatles up. Like, they were already going to break up. But there is a story about John and Paul were hanging out with her. Paul was visiting John at the Dakota. They were watching Saturday Night Live. and there was a sketch where they were imitating the Beatles and John and Paul were going to go down to 30 Rock

and be like, oh, well, we thought we'd come and let you know how the impression is. And they were getting their coats on and Yoko stopped them and was like, if you get together, it should be for charity, making an event, and they didn't do it. And that would have been like their public reunion. Because Yoko's fucking classy. Yoko Ono is a fucking classy bitch.

Do you know the story of how her and John met? It's fucking awesome. Are you all right? Is this okay? What? Yeah, I just had the cat hair in my eyeball. Oh. I don't know the story of how her and I zone doubt.

Well, I've seen about how Courtney Love talks and she's like, she has such a weird way of talking, which I love. She's like, man. No, she's like, she's like, women just want to be beautiful, okay? Yeah, this is what you want. She's like, man, women just want to be fucking beautiful and free. Yeah. She's like, just let us be free. Am I right, man?

Yeah. It's like, it's so long. Dude, you could play her in a biopic. Okay. In a biopic? I think it's a biopic. Is it biopic? Biopic.

It's a biographical picture. And what's a biopic? That is a surgical procedure. Myopic? You have a lump. You got to get a biopic. That's biopsy. Fuck.

Byopic. Between the two of y'all, you know nothing and nobody. It's not biopic. Dude, dude, I was just telling her how fucking restarted we were. No, I think it's biopic. It's biopic. It's just going to go on and on forever. No, it's a bio.

We can leave if you want. Yeah, we can go. It's a biopical. picture. It's a biopic. It's not an adjective. It's a portmanteau. It's not a biopic film. James, can you look up if you pronounce it biopic or biop? You know that whole band from the Lower East Side in the 2000s, Portmanteau?

That's not what I mean by Portmanteau. It means two words combined. Have you seen the images of the Beatles movie? Okay. It's hard to know what you know. Excuse me, Miss Ottomontapia. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you.

I'm Ian Fiatance. Hey, how are you? And each week, I'm in different towns across. across the country doing stand-up comedy and to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head. I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fridayance comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH. I got a rip a fart too, bro.

Let it loose, toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you've been working here? Can you tell me why you love Courtney Love? Um, why I love her philosophically? I think she's like an extremely important influential artist. I think her image was like the coolest of any of those rock stars of that era. Her music speaks to like a really weird and specific unique female experience where like you listen to like her music and it's kind of like it's like the first album is about like being like a nasty like a sex worker who's like a little ugly and that's awesome.

The second album is like I'm so bulimic that I'm getting raped all the time and it's like who's on that wave. The third album is like, I want to fuck famous guys so that I can feel validated by their star power, but then I always get blamed for their downfalls in the end, which is what happened to her, and that's a real experience. It's just like I feel like she articulates something really specific, and she has a really specific aesthetic and artistic point of view that a lot of other female artists of her generation have not been able to crack. She's just really, she's really major. She's just really major, and she's like, now.

in a way that I think is awesome. And also what I think is really cool about Courtney is like, she started her career as this like nasty girl. And then around the time of the celebrity skin album, she was sort of enveloped by Hollywood. And she got all this plastic surgery done. And she was going to all of these like award shows. She was going to like the Oscars and the boldly clothes.

She was one of the first people to talk about Harvey Weinstein publicly. Yes, definitely. And she got blackballed by Hollywood. She was like enveloped into like mainstream Hollywood. And she had like this weird brief movie star era after like this, you know, decade of being like a nasty girl rock star and she got her face done and her hair was clean and she was wearing these gowns but then she was still like her amidst all of it and people didn't know what to do with that and they thought it was so fucking weird that this like feminist punk worked

their way in yeah worked her way in and they thought it was so strange and disruptive and i just think like that juxtaposition is also really cool and interesting and it informed the text of the celebrity skin album which is like her fucking masterpiece right you like her penetrative power she's like a subaltern? Yes. You think celebrity skin is better than live through this? You think celebrity skin's a masterpiece?

I think the first three albums, and honestly even nobody's daughter are all like 10 out of 10 bangers for me. Celebrity skin has been, like, live through this was my first and lived through this was like, like when I was like 13

and a friend of mine was like, you need to listen to this and we were like listening to it, smoking weed out of an apple, like cutting holes in our tights. Like that was like, like the earth shook. beneath me and that is a really sentimental album to me.

But I think the thesis of celebrity skin is a little more focused and it has sort of a more cohesive narrative. The production is a lot cleaner, although I do like how pretty on the inside and live through this sound really jangly and nasty and loud and a brazen of it. I think I like, celebrity skin more than never mind. Yeah. Get the fuck out of my house.

Why? Are you kidding me? I feel the same way. Get out of my house as well. I feel that. But leave your. You're Freddie Mercury, Rob Halford, Spike. They're for completely different things.

What? Those albums are for completely different moods. But I think I'm tainted by what Nevermind meant to me and where I found it and how I found it. And so I'll always, Nirvana's my number one of all time forever. Lyrics are nonsense on Nevermind. I agree.

Is that fair to say? I agree. Yeah. And like the songs on Celebrity Skinner like actually about something. Yeah. They have like a thesis. I kind of. mostly appreciate Kurt only

insofar as how much he means to Courtney as a person in real life and as a figure and a character in her work. Like I kind of like that is kind of the extent of how much I care about Nirvana as a band. It's sort of how it's informative. Yeah. Yeah, it's generational.

Yeah. I also just it's hard for me to care about boys music. It would impact me less than Ian. It would impact you less than me. Yeah. It's also just music by men is often hard for me to care about. There's only like the only male music I listen to. I don't play about Morrissey and the Smiths. I like

3-6 Mafia. Sands, Gangsta Boo, but Gangsta Boo, has always been my favorite and she's the girl in it. I mean, clearly, I don't even know what you're talking about. Migos, Future, Kanye, Elvis Costello. Sondime. Sondime. And then that's kind of it. Like, those are the

kind of the only male music that I'll listen to. For me, I like Kurt in the same way I liked, like Anthony Bourdain and stuff. Like, I was just like a kid that did drugs a lot, and I just liked hearing about other people like that. Yeah. He was kind of like a,

I don't know, I guess he was, he was like kind of like a hero or something. He's a mannequin. He's a guy that other guys create themselves in the image of. Male diva. Male diva.

Male diva. Who, Bourdain? Yeah. And Kurt. And both. So then why do you discount Kurt if that's something positive for other men to model themselves after?

Listen, I am, I have my sword in the front of the, the front lines of the fight against male loneliness. Listen, I'm trying to stop male loneliness. loneliness too. How do we do it? How do we do it? Nick? I'm the last one to ask. I'm super male lonely. He's super male lonely even though he has people like me. I have a girlfriend and a female best

friend. So then why are you male only? Does that mean you're not male only? It's because there's always going to be a darkness within him. Everybody has a darkness within them. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm male lonely. I don't know. I'm on like fanat. Have you met an actual male lonely person like an actual stays in the basement, has a video game hooked up. Who's like head was ruined by the internet. Flies to Ukraine. Saves up their money to meet a woman they met. Well, they're the ones leaking my nudes on Reddit.com. So I...

Right, you're far from that. You have a million friends. You're like a very loved and loving person. Male loneliness are people who are... I'm just sad, I guess. But we all, every comedian has that. We're all lonely. But male loneliness is like when you meet those people, you're like,

I see why you're lonely. You need to be removed. That was the guy that asked me to slap him at Second City. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Physically, you look like you would be like male lonely. Shout up to Desmond. What you said? You have a male lonely look.

Thank you. But you're very fulfilled. That's more male lonely than any. That's mad true, actually. You know what I mean? That is more what they look like. I just think about how like I'm 11 and I'm like reading, I don't know. Reading what?

Biographies of like drug addicts and really liking them and like wanting to become them. Right. You was reading Chuck Klosterman being like he's totally me. Yeah, exactly. I don't think of that. I think of male loneliness is the kids who are reading graphic novels, not actual books. Yeah, we're actually really unpleasant. Yeah, yeah.

We're really unpleasant to be around. They're really socially inept. And they don't even, like, they don't even connect with characters and books. Right, right, right. Because they're too far off. Yeah, someone with no hero. Yeah. Also, like, you could never be male lonely because at the end of the damn day, you'd be fucking too much.

My hoop fell out. Right, right, right, right, right, right. You be fucking? No, I don't be fucking. You be fucking. I don't be fucking. I have a girlfriend. My man is a girlfriend.

My man be girlfriend on that. He'd be fucking his girlfriend, but it's like, he's a handsome guy who... You were fucking. He's never had trouble. He's always had a, we've always had, like, long old girlfriends since I've known you. No, it's true.

It's like, that's not male lonely. You know, me, I have male loneliness. Yeah, that's true. You're male only. No, but you have a million friends. I fucked up so bad when you did my podcast, I realized. Why?

Because I was at the time dating a... Male lonely? 38-year-old? Male lonely? Well, so was I. That's like Ivy. And I... I forgot your age and I like didn't say anything.

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and 365 day returns, quince.com slash ska. Thanks for partner and with us and enjoy the show. That's okay because ultimately everyone in her life was saying stuff to her. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't do it. But I realized when I, because the 38 year old I was with listened to the podcast and was like, why didn't you say how weird it was their age? And I was like, oh, fuck, because I was thinking of us as equals. And we were both dating 38 year olds.

And then I realized and I was like, I should have been like, because I told you, I was like, you'll be fine with sex. You'll figure it out. And I should have been like, do never date a 38 year old. And here's the thing. Here's the fuck out of the thing.

Everybody was telling me. I was with that guy for a year. Everybody was telling me, oh, don't do it. Ho don't do it. And I was like, I'm different. I'm different. And then eventually I realized, bitch, I'm not different. I'm not different.

I'm going to be 22 next week. It was just terrible. He was terrible. He was awful. He was sinister. I never met him. Yeah. This is my best fucking friend in the world.

Never met him because he kept me in the house. He was like, I can't meet nobody that you know. We can't be photographed together. Nobody can know this. He saw our show and then just left. Yeah. What a fucking loser?

He was terrible. He was truly, truly terrible. Nick, you should find him and beat the fuck out of him. Okay. He's really frail. Like just mean as hell. Although he's getting built is the problem. So am I.

He's a frail guy? Is that your type? Like frail? No, my type is like smart and cruel. Jewish, Jewish. Ashkenazi Jewish. He was noncommittal and he was also very mean. Very, very mean to me.

Very mean. You're ugly and stupid and dumb kind of stuff? Just kind of like you tell me I'm going to, I want to cheat on you all the time. Here are the women I'm going to cheat on you with. He would say the names. He would say the names of the women he wanted to. Yeah. Like celebrities or like?

No, like women we like new. On Instagram. Yeah, like hose on Instagram. Like women that we knew, women that were in proximity to both of us. Is that because you were going sicko mode so he thought he could go sicko mode? I wasn't going to. She was going Mexican mode. I was Mexican mode.

She was like, maybe I love you. I don't want to hear nothing about him. He's abusive and I'd be like, you don't, like, hold my hoops, Lupe. You don't fucking know I'm like I do, bitch. Oh, Ivy's a little tort. It's because he loved me. Yeah.

She's from Southern California. Are you? I'm an L.A. bitch. So I have that fucking Mexican dog in me. And so I was getting mad Mexican about my fucking age gap man. Whole time I was literally being tortured by the killer. Whole time he was the killer and the killer. He would be like, you would be like, who's that girl and he'd be like,

that's somebody I'm going to cheat on you with. Was he kidding? He, no, he was like, he was like, you don't sexually satisfy me. He told me my vagina had a futility to it. What does that even mean? Just that like, it's just, he was like, there's kind of no point in like, you know. Your vagina? Yeah, he was like, there's kind of no point in fucking you because it's like what, what are, what are either of us doing here?

And I was like, I don't know. I had the same. Yeah, same. Dude, what? That was the same for me being told. I was still. By the 38 year old? No, no.

Oh, okay. Did you have an older boyfriend that told you the same thing? Aren't you rough? Aren't you, you're in your 30s, right? I'm 35. Yeah, so that's not weird that you were dating a 30. That's why I was saying it was normal.

Gotcha, got you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, hold on, what do you mean of futility in your vagina? Like, we're not gonna end up together, so what's the point of fucking? That basically, and also like... I think he was talking about the biology as well. Like he was kind of just like,

I have, like, I have, like, sexual trauma problems, and he very much was like, there's no, there is no use in being patient with you sexually or trying to, like, be nice to you, in this way because he was like, I just don't understand it. He was like, I'm sure there's plenty of women that have, you know, sexual trauma problems that would just let me fuck them normal style. And for some reason, you're like being selfish and obstinate.

Oh, dude, I'm so sorry. That's terrible. It was crazy. I mean, and I put up with it because I was like, I loved him very much. And also, I didn't really know better. I didn't know that somebody was supposed to be nice to you. And I always just thought like your friends are nice to you, but your boyfriend knows you in a different way.

So the boyfriend can treat you in a different way because he knows different sides of you. This is what I was saying, Ivy, this is fucking me up to listen. Ivy has such self-esteem issues, though. I'm in the same exact position. I'm so much older than you. Okay. So. And I just got out of it.

She's always like, I'm so unfuckable. I'm alone. No one's going to fuck me. When you think like that, that's when you settle for the 30-year-old that hates you. Is that how you feel? Are you all right? Do you want the cat? I'm totally fine.

Do you want the cat? There was in. I definitely don't think we want sympathy. But I, in, I want you to beat the fuck out? Shut up for a second. I will listen. In no way, shape, or form, was there any sort of, did I have a similar experience with being told, like, an abusive, like, you need to withstand this level of an abuse and

this is what you deserve. I did not have that. But I did have the, there's no point in anything because we're not going to end up together. And I, and me being like, me having the feeling of like, it's okay to be with somebody who doesn't really like me because they know me more than anybody else in my life. Yeah. And that is something that is like, it's tough to hear you go through at 22. because I'm 35 and it does feel like something that is like,

it's great that you're experiencing it now. It is great. Yeah, I got it out of my system. Do you have the underlying voice in your head that's like, I can say this shit out loud, but I don't fully believe it? How do you mean? Like, I can say out loud right now. Like, I get that all my friends love me and know me and they all accept me.

And that is the love that I should let in, not the love of somebody who knows me. Oh, yeah. I still think I'm like marked by the demon. Okay, great, great, great, great. Do you not like yourself? And when someone doesn't like you, you're like, you're like, oh, they get me. Like, they see the real version of me that I know is true.

Yeah. That's awful. Okay. You should like, like, and what now? You're like nice and cool. You shouldn't think like that. But you don't know how I am in a relationship. The thing about me in a relationship is I'm extremely normal and loving and like not combative,

not a problem. Like literally. Then why are you like that normal? What? What? What? What did you? What did you?

What did you? I, um, I'm like, super normal. and nice in relationship. I'm a little clingy because I'm like obsessed with the idea that I'm going to be abandoned and the rug is going to be swept out

from under a plate. Right. She's always like I'm going to have his baby. Yeah, but I'm like very like Latina and like doting and like I'm not like a fight. I don't like to fight. Like I don't be laying hands on a man like I'm hell

and normal. I don't cheat unless I'm forced to like I. I don't cheat unless I'm forced to. You made me do this. You put me in this position. No literally. But like I'm good. Like I'm really good as like a girlfriend.

Like I'm very loving and very kind. normal but then I just get treated like monkey meat every time. Yeah, same. But that's because of the self-loathing thing that we have. Yeah. Because when, I mean, my mom who's like an avoidant and very like self-assured, she was like you show up, you just show up to get beat over and over like a dog. And there's nothing easier than beating a dog.

My mom said the same thing about herself. She was like, I felt like I feel like I'm a dog and I just let myself get kicked. And I was like, well, blind leading the blind sister girl. blind leading the blind sister girl. I was like, and I was like, oh, and you're my beacon? Right. So the lighthouse is flickering. But also we have to acknowledge that there is something that we get from it.

It's a lot easier to accept. I'm a masochist. I'm such a masochist. It's a lot easier to feel the feeling of going from like being on all fours to like getting up and being hurt than just like walking on two feet and being like, I am okay, I am okay, I'm okay. That feels harder. Yeah, I mean, I also met him right after I had just gotten off of pills.

I was like, I had, I was in, in 2024, I was in psychosis and like drug addiction and I was hospitalized. And I was really just like not in a good place. And I had basically convinced myself that like loneliness and like sexlessness had made me go so insane. And so I tried dating again and like I really liked him immediately because he was very smart. We had really good conversations and he made me laugh a lot. Did he slide into your DMs or do you? He followed me. Then I slid in because I was like the what the fuck is up.

But like, but I was convinced. basically that like if I was alone again, I would go crazy. And when weighing the pros or the cons of being a girl with a shitty older boyfriend or being a girl with like open wounds all over her body and like a severe drug addiction that almost killed her multiple times, I was like, well, the former is a lot more conventional and normal and doable than the latter. So I was like, okay, I'll just be the girl that has a shitty older boyfriend because I couldn't foresee a life in which good things happen to me. And so I was like, okay, so I'll just pick the former instead of the latter.

Right. Yeah, I also just respect it. I respect it. I respect somebody who is able to see through all of my manipulative tactics and the things that I do, the mask that I wear and be like, I really know what's truly going on. But I have no mask. But that's, yeah, totally. I mean, I apparently have no mask either.

It is just who I am. But having, you know what I mean? Is this like looking to a crystal ball? No, because I don't understand what you mean by the mask. Like, what do you think that? What is that? We, I have an understanding of myself. It's a movie from 1994.

Right. I have an understanding of myself that the reason why people like me is because I have them tricked because, you know, when in reality, like, I've, I've built something out of like, kind of like begging or asking or pleading. And I've gotten to a place where people like me because I've showed up for them so many times. It doesn't have to do with me. It's just like because I'm whatever.

And when I'm with somebody who's like, I see the little fucking freaked out little rat that you are. and I'm not going to love you, but I'm going to keep you around. That makes me feel way safer than somebody being like, hey, I've seen everything you've built in yourself and I really love that person because I'm like, no, no, no, no, don't believe any of it. I'm really just a fucked up little rat. And don't make me have to upkeep this like performance of being like a good girlfriend,

a stable person because I could at any point crumble. So if I'm with somebody who's like, I know you're going to fucking crumble, then I'm like, good, good, I'm safe here because you can see me at my worst and you'll let me just stay. You won't give me love, but you'll love. but you'll let me just stay. Are you single right now? I just went through a breakup. You have been,

you have, what I've ascertained from when we spoke on your podcast and also what I've listened to you on is that you've been in a tumultuous on and off again relationship for many a year. Five years.

Five years. It's the same guy. Yes. Did you know, Jordan, that is my greatest dream in life and my biggest sexual fantasy is to have a tumultuous on and off again relationship

because every time I stop dating somebody, they immediately forget I ever existed. And so I want somebody to be like, let me spin the block on that, It's the worst, it's the worst possible thing. I'm sure it's absolutely haggard and terrible. Do you see how tired I am? You look exhausted.

She looks great. Oh, you should see the way she usually is. You're beautiful. I think Jordan, I think you're such a hottie, but you also do look, you look harrow by your circumstances. When I was on your podcast, the clip that was, you can't smoke a cigarette. Yes, yes.

You can smoke a cigarette. Is it okay? We can smoke a cigarette. You absolutely cannot. Why not? If you like that, I swear on my life, I will leave. What's wrong? fan going.

A hundred percent. You can light it. I will stand up. We asked before. You said we could. That's totally fine. I will leave and you guys can continue. I grew up in a house where there were cigarettes being smoked all the time.

You won't think you back there? I will not tolerate it. Jordan. It's called a boundary. Okay. Thank you. But it's my house. You're not in the house anymore.

Hey. You're not in the house anymore. You're not in the house. You're not that scared little bird anymore. The amount of OCD ritual that I will have to do if you smoke that cigarette, the amount, everything will have to be washed. I will have to shower, especially a Newport, no offense. A boundary is for you, Jordan.

A rule is for other people. Huh? A rule is for other people. No, because I'm saying, do it, I will leave. Right. No rules. But we want you here, so I'm not going to do it. Right.

The vape is okay? Vap is great. Okay. Look at that. James, did you see what I did? Thanks. So anyway, I was saying, when I was on your podcast. They never ever skip boundaries.

I'm always like, yes, you do. You never let me smoke. That's my one fucking boundary. But it's my house. What about my boundaries? That's fine. You can do it. I will just leave.

But my boundary is you stay. You can't have that. We spoke. It's called cautions are for you and rules are for other people. He has an M.S. MSW. You have MS. Is that why you started?

I wish. Get me out of here. He has a master's in social work. Really? I do. Do a little read us to filth. Um, I actually got fired a couple months ago. So he's not technically a social worker anymore.

Now he cans. Yeah, right now I work in a factory. He cans in a factory. Really? Yeah, like laymiss. It's crazy. No, like, like old I love Lucy videos. Yeah, it's like that.

But it's with other like Brooklyn comedians. What do you can? Cambocha. Ew, why don't you just be a mover or something? He was and he got fired from that too. Why? Because I took off. He took off and he pissed off the boss who told, who said,

congratulations you are bad to me now yeah he said congratulations you you are you are bad to me now and he said he would slap his frillash his second language for him what does that mean you were bad to me now you are bad to me now yeah he just said it wrong yeah he was just mad at me english is his first language he's just kind of adult and retarded he said he said he was going to tell me i can't smoke you can't smoke you were bad to me now he said he was going to slap slap the shit out of my frail I'll leave. I'll walk right up. Will you come back? Next week.

It's fine. It's fine. You can go outside. You just like I'm like guys. You're not a ghost. Thank you. You're here. I'm here.

You're my best friend. You can see me. I can see you. Okay. And I'll always see you. You're my greatest friend. Thank you. Dude, James has a newborn baby.

Don't bring him into this. He is having to shut out. Do you think they're interrupting me because I talked quietly or what do you think? I think that what they do is. is they do this all the time. Okay. And so I think basically what happens with the two of them is it's always going to be this way,

regardless of who's around. Okay, got it. Just ripped a sick. They're 12 years old. They want to smoke because it's cool. I know. Right. But we...

My daughter's in here. My son is in here. Dude, James has a newborn baby. That is, don't bring him into this. He is having cigarettes. Shut up. We smoked down here before. You smoke.

You go, give me one. My wife won't. find out. Oh, and now you're saying you hate it. Never mind. Wait, what are you guys talking about? Nothing. When I was on your podcast, when I was on your podcast.

Did you just say you'll never turn out like this regardless? They're doing it again. When I was on your podcast, every comment under the clip that was posted was like, Jordan, you're so gorgeous. They're like everyone, you know, you always talk about how ugly you are. Like, I would treat you so right. Yeah, I don't want to be treated so right. But just what do you think that is?

what do you mean like why do you like do you talk in a way where you're like I'm so ugly and then you get all this feedback that you're so beautiful and attractive and stuff because that's what it was so fat okay how even so fat are you how fat were you are we going to pull up the picture how fat were you oh my god I was so fat my ass at a different area coming how fat were you when she sat around the house she really sat around the house yep me in this picture. You're the fat one. I guessed it. My age is 13. Okay. Is that you?

Yeah. In the red? Yeah. Okay. So you were fat as a house. This bitch was fat as fuck. She sat around the damn house. Huge surgery.

You just hadn't stretched out yet. You hadn't stretched out yet. You were still like, I was on so much medication to not kill myself. Right. Sarah Quill? Were you ever on antipsychotics? Did they make you big?

I was on... At 10 pills, at 13, you look like a 60. Dental secretary? You really do. You look blue collar. Do you want to know why?

Because the only clothes you can buy. Or are for women that worked a front desk at an elementary school. You want to know what I looked like when I was 13? A little slut. Really? I know what you looked like.

I looked like a little slut and everybody on the internet was saying that I was a pedophile. What? Why were you a pedophile? Because they said that I, my first cancellation attempt on the internet was people said that I was conspiring.

I was a 40-year-old woman posing as a 13-year-old girl to groom and rape a child star from Stranger Things. This is me, whore, famous online, whore. Don't reach for it. You're so cute. No, no, I can't see. Closer.

You have glasses on. You have classes on. So that's curious? Yes. Wait, no, no, no. You look so different. I look very different. Because I had a, there actually, here's a thing about me when I was a kid.

I look at pictures of me when I was a kid and I go, I could have grown up to be such a hot slut. And then something happened along the way where I was like, I care about Slead or Kini way too much. And now I pick my scabs. Bury our friends is such a good zone. Thank you, Jordan. That's not, you are a hot slut. Thank you. I'm definitely not a slut and I wish that I was.

You're very hot. I wish I could be the kind of girl that jerks off to porn of girls getting choked. I mean silence befell the room. You can do that. And that's my helicopter. I wish I'd jerk off to girls getting choked. Yeah. Be the change you want to see in the world.

Why? Because I feel like all like hot girls I know are really into like getting like thrown through a mattress. And there's something about to me, I'm always like, well, that's the raper and the killer. And so I don't want that to happen to me. But then girls that are like really beautiful are always like, yeah, I just like love when a guy like picks me up. throws me through the drywall. No, they check off to like literatica and stuff. Yeah, they don't do that either because I'm too focused on the prose technique.

You don't like being thrown through you can't come because you're worried about syntax. No, literally. Like, my bad. I have autism. But like I, what happened? May I say something? Go ahead. I don't think people actually like that.

I think they're so porn-bring. Yeah, we do like it. I do like being thrown through the drywall. Okay. Well, maybe I'm wrong. I wish that I was a girl that could be like normal in the way where I like, like to be thrown through the drywall. If I don't like the person, I would like to be thrown through the dry wall.

If I like them, I would like, I'm tired of the throwing through the drywall. Promise for forever. I'm tired of the throw around. Daddy joke. I'm, I've done it. I'm good for you. Hey, live your best life. I just can't like that mess.

It's like, what about my ideas and my right to vote? All that shit is so yupp. You forget about your ideas when you're being thrown. That's why it's good. But I want to get to the lay down and smoke a cigarette talk. Totally. Everything before that is just like, I'm, I feel like I'm fucking now just to get to the part where we're like, put down a song

and we can talk about the memories it makes us think of. Any time I've done that kind of stuff, the woman has told me to do it. I'm just thinking about it. I've never seen your face morphed into the most. I can't control it. My ex-eat excuse me of mean mugging. Somehow your bottom lip hit your nostrils.

I can't control it. I can't control it. It wasn't reactive to what you were saying. I was thinking about other stuff. I was thinking about my own truth and the weight of it. What happened? I made a face. Because you were talking about having sex?

No, no, I was talking about sex. Now for me is just to get to the part where we like lay and talk about music. And I accidentally made a face, but I didn't mean to. She was like this. Sorry, that was my id. Sorry, all my shadow self came out. Ivy was wrapping the mic cord around her neck and pulling.

Now that I'm 35, it's like the whole sex is just like, can I trap this come? Can I get them to come inside me? Do you want to get credger? It's just biological. Whoa. Yeah. You're like thighs lock.

Is that a self-harm scar? Yeah, that's from around that age. Cool. That was a deep boy. From when you were fat? Yeah. Look at this bitch. It healed well.

Yeah, I should have done my legs. That was the exacto night. I know, I wore glove, glove things all the way up all the time. And I remember the day that I was like. But those were on vogue back when you were young. Yeah. You were still young. You'd ever, no.

So I would hit walls. I would get really drunk. And a tree hit up. And then if a woman didn't sleep with me, I would go to a brick wall and I would hit it over and over. If a guy didn't seek with me, I would take a rusty blade that I got out of. I used nail clippers and I like dismantled an eyeliner sharpener. On TV while this was happening.

Yeah, I was fully on television all this was happening. Just going to work covered in band-aids. Various sitcoms going to work at my very at various sitcom university and just covered in slices. And you were like 16? Yeah, six. Like three, I was cutting from the time I was a child star. I want to be. I tried, but I was largely unemployed.

Character actor. I was a child character actor. I was a child background actor. A child character actor, fuck, that's so true, Nicky. I was,

like, a child character actor actor. I was cutting from the time I was like six to 20. What do you think that is? Six is long. Why?

Why? Yeah. Maybe because I'm good at it. It's because you dissociate. And I stick to what the fuck I'm good at. It's the same as the punching things. It's like you want to feel something other than what you're feeling. Yeah.

And there's a huge amount of like. Also, it feels so awesome. And it's erotic. It's just going like bombs. It's so erotic. I mean, I am covered in tattoos. So I relate to the pain of like a

release, but I never self. Want to see something really dumb. His foot is covered in tats. I did this all myself while I was really fucked up. Different days? Different days. That looks like he's so busy. That looks like if girl interrupted was a foot.

My favorite is the Christmas tree that's crossed out. Yeah, it makes no sense. It sucks ass. He also has a unabomber tattoo on his inner thigh. I like that. Are you sober? Oh yeah. How long?

A year. It's great. Used to have more. That's awesome. Thanks. When did you do that? You did a sober tattoo while you were fucked up? I did a sober tattoo because my mom was sober.

It was a tribute tattoo. When I was like 15, she got sober. Oh, cool. It doesn't really make sense, but that's what I did. Because he was fucked up. Yeah, I don't know. It was just the symbol I saw. Put that sock back on.

That's better than the fan I met the other day that had a pun leg. A what? She had a pun tattoo all going all the way up her leg. I used to want to get a dear really brutal with a halo that's a dear Jesus. Thank God. That is funny. Thank you. Oh, wait.

Why don't you see something even worse? Thank you. I just got. It's so bad. What? You just got it to cover something up. Yeah. It's to cover something up.

And I asked him, I said, what was the motivation behind this? He said, my love of black gospel. It's true. So it's a black cross for black people. I love it. Oh, child. I love it, baby. I used to have a bandaid there.

People would always think it was a vaccine tattoo. Post-COVIDE can't do shit like that no more. Who did that cross? Rob. Rob. Oh, yeah. My friend Rob.

Rob. Shuring, shout out. With a gun or with a needle? With a gun, yeah. He's learning. Yeah,

it's really bad. It's really bad. He's learning. He's learning. He's learning. He's learning. We have matching bus tattoos for struggle bus. Yeah.

That's awesome. That is. We have matching product of New York tattoos. For a band. Sure. For abandoned cendiary. Neither of you are from New York. That right?

She's from New York. State. Well, I'm from the I've been here since 2003. So I've lived, I've lived here longer than I lived in Delaware. You've been here longer since then I've been alive. Holy fuck.

She was 15 when COVID started. Mm-hmm. What? Get out of my house. The cutting and stuff that all happened after COVID. During before and after.

I never cut. Whoa, whoa. Think about that. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, I was cutting myself before COVID, bitch. Let me get this fucking straight I was cutting myself before COVID

And during She was 15 during COVID How fucked up is that? We were so upstairs Fucking we were I was cooking dinner for her on Sunday nights You guys live together during COVID? No I would have friends over on Sunday nights

And I'd cook for him And you were 15 That is so fucking weird Whoa I hate that We gotta go You gotta go You almost let her smoke a cigarette

We can smoke now. That's wild. I'm grown now. You're not grown. No, your brain isn't developed. No, not at all. But it will be in a few years. My frontal lobe will crystallize.

You're somehow like wildly intelligent at an age when you should be like dumb as rocks. Yeah, because like I had to grow up hella fast and also I'm a business woman. Yeah. Because I'm a girl boss with darkness. Yeah, but there's going to be so many big changes. I'm like if a CEO had trauma. You're like if it's like a dog. The entire internet running through her brain, and there's a lot of other things that are not in your brain yet.

But you have the full internet. I didn't know until a few months ago that I shouldn't be dating a man who's almost 40 years old who treats me like raccoon ankles. Yeah. I didn't know that until very recently. I'm learning every day. I feel like you're like a doll that has like... Why do people abuse raccoon ankles? Just I think it's hell of funny to be like...

Just like a part. A rodent part? Bird toe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he treated me like I was, like I was... Soul food. Like I was pig net. Like ox tail.

Yeah, he treated me like I was... Well, that's a delicious thing. He treated me like I was bare elbow. Did he come back after you left? Yeah, he came back and he was like, every time I told you, I wanted to cheat on you, like, I was just, I was being mean for no reason. Like, I need you back. I need you back.

I need you back. And then now he's like, because I've been talking about the relationship, obviously not saying his name because I don't believe in that. But he, I've been talking about it. And he broke like no contact. and messaged me like, of course I didn't want to be in a relationship with you because I knew all along that you would publicly betray me for attention like this. I never was mean to you ever second in my life.

He's famous too. Like mildly. He's famous to guys who didn't play about skinny scarves and recumbent bikes in 2011. Yeah, he kind of was famous. He was famous. And now he's a male podcaster. No offense. I'm barely male.

He's a male podcaster. But like nichely. I'll tell you all off. Andrew Huberman? No. No, I wish. Wait, what was he famous for? He had a TV show.

He was a, he had a nonfiction TV show. If you said what he was, Bill Nye. That's his name. He had a show on. So bleep all that. But, oh yeah, and then right after I had a whirlwind affair with Cameron Winter from Geese. I cheated on, I cheated on the old man with Cameron Winter from Geese. And we had a two month long lesbian style enmeshment affair.

And then he was gone. And now he's gone. Where do you go? He broke up with me all of a sudden. And then now he's like on tour in Europe and he won't speak to me. And he told me we could only communicate by a letter. And then he wrote me a letter that said, I don't want to do letters anymore. So there was only one letter.

He said, we're only going to talk by letters. I wrote him three. And then he wrote me one that said, I lied. I don't want to do this. I've done that. Communicate via postcard. Postcard is crazy because that's five words on it. You're right, small.

And it's nice because there's pictures on the front. That's like voyeuristic. These were like five page single space letters. But they said nothing at all because he, like his music, he speaks in obtuse metaphor. That band sucks. They do suck. They're fucking terrible. Thank you for saying.

Dude. No, it's not. It's garbage. He thinks he Tori Amos. You're not even Will Toledo. He's even been raped. He hasn't even been raped. He hasn't even been raped.

He's losing his hair. Yeah, he is. Wow, he's getting raped by life. No, literally he's getting raped by life. And I thought I could save here. He's also not getting raped by life. He's also not getting raped by life. But the thing is.

And we're back. And now we're back. I think I like kind of used. I used him as too much of a life raft because I was like, this is the guy that saved me from like the nightmare that I was in for a year. And then I think that pressure was maybe a lot on him of how much I kind of I idolized him. Because I was like, you are so wonderful. You rescued me. And he was like, I'm just a guy that you know.

You put the pussy on a pedestal. I put the D on a pedestal. I put the on the pedestal. You have to turn around that D train all day. Yeah. And then he kind of, I think he got a little frightened and he was gone.

But we had a very like doing Molly on the beach being like, I love you, like third date, like. Well, you set it up that way. Of course. Well, of course, because I know what MDMA does. You were like, let's take Molly and go on a romantic vacation. Come into my trap, why don't you? He said it first, but I know what MDMA does to a motherfucker.

fucker and listen I had just been with a man who treated me like I was cow foot you deserved a love affair a whirlwind love affair world win love affairs are great they are great if you take them for what they are they're really great but the thing is

I sort of bought too much into it and thought that it had more potential longevity than it actually than the structure of it actually frontal lobe I know I know that's just how it goes but that's just being a woman and trying to and being attracted to men who was so nice to me.

Really? Yeah, he was. He was really, really nice to me. And he met my friends. After I'd been with a guy who was mean to me for a year and was like, and would tell me like, I don't want to meet anybody you know because I think he would be annoying in group settings. Dude, this guy, I want to beat the fuck out.

That guy sucks. He was so mean to me. He was so unbelievably mean to me. It's actually crazy. But. I know where he lives. Yeah, facts. So do I.

But I, whatever. We could just like shit on his house or something. There's no world in which you're going to like, Like get to the bottom of these things and figure out that all of a sudden you have to stop being a cling. I mean, it's just like a natural. It's totally normal that you had a world win with somebody that pulled you out of a thing and you had expectations and they bailed on it. It's just like, it's canon. And even like, you know, that you just can't even that you think of yourself as like unfuckable and undesirable and whatever.

It's like that shit just happens when you're in your early 20s. And eventually you just learn that it's not true. And you have experience. I, yeah. I mean, I just got to a place where I'm... Do you think of yourself as desirable? What are your issues? Molested.

Oh, yeah, I was on struggle boss. Well, no, and you'd, yeah. You had another thing, too. No comedian likes themselves, and if they like themselves, they're not good of comedy. But you can accept yourself, and Ian has gotten a lot further at accepting himself. I think I accept myself,

but unfortunately sometimes a lot of what I view about myself is, maybe skewed. Like I have no, I have no gripes about my intellect. I have no grapes about my ability to be funny. I think I'm very good at what I do. No, but you,

and I know myself very deeply a very developed sense of identity. You also worry, though, that if you don't suffer, you won't be funny. Well, yeah, yes. Yeah. But I think that's true.

I, no, it's not true in that sense. Because comedy, being a comedian inherently is suffering. I mean, it's just rejection all the time. It's just humiliating. It's touring, it's being alone.

It's looking at the corner of a hotel room and wondering why the fuck they would possibly pick that painting. And then you're like, I think they pick the painting because they want me to kill them myself because of the colors are coming together. I always feel the spirit of Whitney Houston in a hotel bath. Yeah, it's horrific. And being in a romantic relationship, you might think that you have to, what we believe is

that somebody who doesn't like us is, is and we want them to guide us. Yes. Like, if somebody goes, I really like you, you go, I will have no guidance with you. But if somebody goes, I don't like you, but you could prove yourself to me, we go, great, I have a guy. But also, I mean, you kind of have a point because you don't like yourself. Do you know what I mean? So if someone likes you, you're like, well, you're not.

Even if I do like myself, if somebody's like I like you sometimes and other times I don't, you go, okay, then I at least could learn how to get you to like me all the time. And that is something because we're animals and we just want to work towards something. Yeah, I feel like I'm always trying to convince somebody that I am awesome in tea. Yeah. And we have a hyperactive mind. You have a really overwhelming thoughts. I have overwhelming thoughts.

And it's way easier instead of thinking a thousand miles a second to just be like, what do I have to do to get this one person to like me? That's way easier task to accomplish. And it makes you feel real. Yeah, yeah. I'm addicted to the moments in between like somebody acknowledging me. Like I'm addicted to like, like I love the feeling of like feeling like a ghost and like I don't exist when I'm waiting for somebody to come back to me.

And then all of a sudden I'm like, I'm real again. I exist. Like I can see my own reflection in the mirror. And then the second they're like gone again or like I'm feeling like. neglected by them. I'm like, I'm not a ghost and all of my day is just devoted to waiting around for them to turn around and look back at me. And like all the work I do is for that. Like that's my reward at the end of the day is like checking my phone and being like, oh my God, this person texted me. I exist again. It's the best dopamine hit you can possibly get. Yeah, it's insane. It's awesome. But I'm

trying to not be that way because that sucks. And it's not true. It's like I'm very fulfilled by my work and my friendships and I have no, like, I'm positive that I am good at what I do and that I will sustain me for a long time. And so I'm trying to be satisfied by that and not be satisfied by chasing somebody's affection. Then you have to run in the opposite direction every time it comes up. I like so evolved. Dude, when I was 21, I was like getting in fights all the time and like smacking drinks out of people's hands and like spitting on it and like getting beat up. And like going to rehab and being like, well, I think I should be a carpenter and marry this girl. I meant rehab and be a father to her son, Braden.

You were being, you were pontificating at people at rehab about the universe and people are being like, you're very, very smart and wise for age. I guess, but I feel like it took me so long to like know myself and like understand and like delineate. When she gets to our age, she's, she and she watches this podcast shows she's going to be like, oh, babe, you don't know shit. Of course, but I'm very excited by that. Which is great. Yeah, totally.

I'm just saying you're looking back at yourself comparing it to her, but at the time, a lot of, there were a lot of people our age around you being like, damn, you are really smart and you have figured out. Because, you know what I mean? Like, you have an analytical, philosophical mind. That's what makes you a comic. I was also like getting fired from teaching jobs in New York City. What were you teaching?

For drinking. Teaching like 17-year-olds at 21. I taught, well, I taught on the Lower East Side in 2000. 2006, 2007, and then 2008, I taught in Brownsville. Where? In Brownsville? In, I want to say the name. But, yeah, that was like the only time I have ever been scared for safety in New York.

But it was also, like, my favorite teaching job ever. Like, it was at a school where kids had to go there to get credit because they, like, failed out or were in jail. And, like, it was the fucking best. The, my kid's, like, the very first day of this kid threw a bag of weed on my desk. like what do you think of that what do you think of this callie kush i was like well i think i'm gonna turn around if it's still there when i turn back around i take it home and smoke it and i like turn around he took it all the desk and he's like i was like yeah how did you get fired from that job

i well did you hear what he just said yeah but was it that well no no you got to like really pick and choose your fires you know it's like we have a friend who's currently a substitute teacher yeah yeah i was the full-time sub and then like i went back to delaware and i was like a carpenter for a I was like drinking heavy and then I moved back to New York and I taught with Kaplan. I taught test prep, L.A. and math. Still haven't heard how you got fired. Test prep. I, it wasn't like you're fired.

It was like just like I stopped showing up because I'm drinking and everything. Totally. Like you would sign at 7 a.m. You'd wake up and look on a list of like placements. And if I didn't get placed, I'd be like, I'm just going to start drinking. And they would call in the middle of the day be like, hey, can you come in? Like, no, you're right there. But it was, I never got, like, caught or anything.

I just, like, would do, like, no call, no shows. And they're like, all right, just stop coming in, like that kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, that's sort of what happened to me in my last job. Without the drugs. Yeah. I think the thing that you have that's different than other young people is you don't have any fear of embarrassment. No, not at all.

She doesn't have any fear. I don't have any fear pretty much. We have fear of being alone. Yes. Yeah. But that's basically it. Yeah, yeah. Same.

But I do think that your life. lack of fear of embarrassment is something that happens over like a huge amount of philosophical work where you realize nothing matters and we're all going to die and it's like it takes a lot of like panic attacks about like realizing that you don't that you're nothing and you've expedited that a little bit. Well I

it's that doesn't come from me from a place of feeling like I'm nothing and nothing matters it's more so like everything matters and I'm like deeply grateful and all I want to do is learn and share and be shared with and so why would I ever be embarrassed about that desire? But what about being like wrong?

Or like you said you got like the first time I got canceled God I love you The first time you got canceled like how does that like what what was that for like I mean it's been for many things I think I've just been somebody that's kind of omnipotent on the internet since I was like 13 years old and People because I sort of refused to be squashed or like obliterated I think People have tried many different methods of sort of trying to get me out of their faces and I think and I think there's just something about me to a lot of people that's quite aggravating and anger-inducing, but I'm... I feel you, sister. But I'm like, I don't think I'm that afraid of being wrong because I think wrong is an opportunity to know more.

And I also think I'm very, I think very deeply, and I listen very deeply to people. And so, there's kind of, I'm not really afraid of, and wrong is also relative. Like, wrong is kind of arbitrary, I think, in a lot of ways. And wrong evolves, too. I feel like you're not wrong too when you get cancelled. No, it's just something I said about myself

that people don't like. People just make something up about it. They make something up or I say something about myself and people don't like the way that I phrased it and it's like well that's not wrong because that's my perspective on my own life. And so there isn't, it's like

their prescription of wrong is like and I never really feel like it applies and I don't crumble under the weight of being told that I'm wrong about something because I think I feel... She should not do Mexican voice. Right.

It's like, I love it. I literally love it. I think you have to think I'm with black voice. I think that you have to think where man or romantic person is overlord, right? It made me feel good. And then everybody else doesn't matter with the thing. Oh, stop? Yeah.

Although. What's wrong? What you mean? Oh, man. I also... I think that you can. Do me a favor. Put them eyes back in your head, girl.

Of the scorn that I faced on the internet since I was very young, like the way in which it has damaged my self-esteem is that like, like I don't, when the people say I'm not funny or I'm not smart or whatever, I don't really care that much about that. Sometimes when they say that I'm not attractive, it hurts me, it definitely hurt me a lot when I was younger, but now I'm sort of like,

I don't really care that's not my priority in life. Like, that's not why I was put on this planet is not to be like a beautiful person that's easy to look at. But then I think like, I think because I'm somebody that is really like used to taking a lot, of criticism on mass. When I'm dating somebody who's really critical of me, I'm sort of like,

well, this is just what my life is. It's just people that are critical of me. And so I think that I'm like uniquely equipped to handle it or that I have like a stronger barrier against it really damaging me because I'm like, well, this is just what every day feels like when I go on my phone. So of course, like my boyfriend would also be doing this because this is just what my life is and this is how people react to me. Like you're built for it. He was, I consider him to be a boyfriend. Nick is like he wasn't your boyfriend. We were together for a year. She would say, He would say he was not my boyfriend. I think that geese flew south.

Thank you. And we're back. Yeah, but the tiny amounts of validation, whatever you got from this person, whatever you get from people running away, the moment where they go, hey, and I actually, behind the curtain, I really like being around you,

those little moments are what... It's called breadcrumbing. It's what happens when you're abused. Breadcrumbs is what perpetuates you through all of the internet, hey, all of the fear on state, all of that stuff, because you're like, because I'm the same way. It's like, I don't care what people think of me.

I don't care if I get cancer. I don't care if people are upset because nobody knows what that little breadcrum taste like from that one specific person that I've decided who'd matters. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. So then if I have that and that's why being alone is terrible because they take it away and you're like, well, now am I going to be concerned about what other people say? Yeah, of course it's awful. They know it's awful.

They don't care. Or whatever. Well, I have a good, may I? You may. You may. I. What would it look like to be treated well? Like, what do you see a world in which you can?

could be treat like what is a what would that look like if you would feel like i have settled and you would not like i would like it a lot actually yeah i want it i want it i want it really badly um i think i are you distrustful of it um i think a little bit uh especially now like after the past like year of my life sort of feeling very chewed up and spit out i think i would be a little distrustful of it but i would feel like a midwestern castrel eating retard if i was just with But I want to be that way. Like I really aspire for some sort of, you know, casserole corn-fed normalcy like that. Like that seems really a nice and appealing to me.

Although I think I might just have to like wait a little longer for it than the other people I know. When you're dating a guy who's like I'm obsessed with you. Talk to me. I don't want a guy that's obsessed with me. Like I don't want to feel like I'm being hunted. Somebody that like really likes me and isn't going to like, you know, like yell at me for putting a fork in the thing too loud. You will be violently cruel to him. You think so?

Why do you think that? Because we're very similar. And I, if it, that's not the case, that's not the case. I'm very proud of you. Why?

Because you both look like aliens? No, you guys are great. I was, I was trying to be funny. What I believe what will happen, just shut up. I'm an ugly man. What I,

what I believe, we never do that kind of stuff. No, we never talk to each other the way you guys. We're really nice to each other. What I believe what will happen is you will be, you will throw down. beggars back at them.

See, she's pretty. And then you'll be like, why can't I stop doing this? Why can't I stop? I definitely get mean. I was telling her the whole last episode. I get mean when I feel like I'm about to be laughed. Like if I, like if the feeling in me is like,

like somebody is like, yeah, like I might have to go like immediately I'm like, I can get extremely cruel. But otherwise like I'm not, but like I'm not that mean. You two would never be in a relationship where you were cast roll eating retards. Like you guys are interesting.

There's stuff you like. And if you wanted to do that in a relationship. I don't know. I hated a guy who really liked me and it became casserole pretty quick. Yeah, but what if what if he made casserole with you? Like that sounds fun. memes being like you're you're the little frog and I'm the big one. That's so nice.

I love that. I love that. I romanticize that. I dream about girl slop. I dream about that. Olivia loves that stuff. Olivia loves girl slop. Me and you.

Yeah. I dream about that kind of stuff because it's like it seems so awesome but I don't know. I don't know. I think it's like. But you have to stay in it and make. get fun. Yeah. You have to modify it.

If you have the thing you have to like you have to stay in that and not run away from it and be like, let's go fucking play laser tag or whatever you want to do. Stuff like that, but it doesn't seem like

anybody wants to do that stuff with me. Well, it's because you're a baby. They will. I want to do that stuff, but you were 15 during COVID and that's, I need to find someone my age

wants to do that stuff. And that's very hard. Do girls in their late 30s not want to play laser tag? How will do you? I'm 41. Oh, why did I say late 30s? 40s.

The reason why do I just one I don't care what you are, gender race. That are willing to do that. No, I definitely don't see those people out. Also, like, you're trying to date. I mean, if you dated someone that was age appropriate for you, it's really hard to find someone who would do, like,

casserole with you. They're probably all, like, drug addicts and retards and addicted to masturbate. Everybody that I dated before the old guy was my age and they were all drug addicts and, like, homeless. I think you just have to, I, it's almost things like, I think you just have to wait and it will come. I just have to wait, but it sucks because. You just have to be alive on the way there.

I feel so, I feel so developed, I guess, which I know that I'm not, but I feel like I'm already sort of ahead of the curve in terms of development. You are. You're like, I made the joke about an alien, but I look at you, like, you're like, I don't know how you're so evolved and like intel. I just look at everyone that's like in their early 20s is like some stupid idiot. I don't see you that way. Like you're so like you're.

Yeah, you're intimidating. It's like scary. How smart. I think a lot of people are very intimidated. And well, articulate. you are and it's not I don't I mean I don't know many 21 year olds but I feel like it's that's not indicative of like everyone across the board it's gonna be so many things you're gonna have one guy that's like so sweet to you but you really don't like his intellect you're gonna have one guy

is really intellectual but the sex is what you're gonna have so many experiences and then you're gonna land on one would you see yourself like settling down and being like yeah I would get married and be casserole family right now like if you find that would you be that now she is too young for you I'm not asking for me I'm not asking for me your cousin Sherry wants to fuck me bad. Really? Yeah. Love Sherry.

Do you want to fuck cousin Sherry? I'm okay. I'm fucking cousin Sherry. But Sherry does want my cookie bad as hell. She was so good on our show. She's the best. She's the goat. The sweetest and so fun.

She'll, she wants everyone's cookie crazy. You have a cookie crazy special cookie, but she will eat once anyone's cookie crazy. She loves cookies. She's a cookie monster. She's a cookie monster.

A wholesome. lovely cookie monster. She's the best. I love her so much. She's awesome. Every time I see her, she's like, you're sexy motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's always like, she's always like, Ivy, I hear you live in a flat bush now.

You know, that's where I am. You should come over sometime. And she's married, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. She doesn't sound like Janine Melnitz from the Ghostbusters. What does she sound? She's like, she's like, oh, fuck.

Like, she's like, yeah. Yo, you should come over sometime. You should come over some time. You should come over some time. She's got cookie up. Yeah, that's good. Let's put some sprinkles on your cookies. Dude, she told me she couldn't get Adderall anymore,

so she was a micro-tosing coke to get through the work day. The way that she talked about sobriety, she was like on the show, she was talking about sobriety. She was drinking a beer. She was like, sometimes I do coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I use my wife's piss for work. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. She is a rap galian. I remember, we were like, what's your job? And she's like, I'm a vice president out of bank. Yeah, yeah. We lost our minds. Dude. She's handling.

People's money. And she keeps, she keeps, she keeps, she's not like an investment banker. She keeps, um, New York State construction vests and hats and shit in her cars where she can park wherever she wants. She's the fucking best, dude. Yo, we were nuts as kids together. I can't even imagine. You're nuts now.

Y'all weren't getting cardboard. No, dude, we got in so much trouble. And like, we joke, but like after, you're going to make fun of me for bringing it up my dad. But after my dad, I didn't see his side of the family for like years and years. And she got off and was like super bad in a heroin. I was like a literal gutter drunk. And so like we always talk about how she's on your dad's side? If that, yeah, yeah.

If we had stayed like close, we would have been dead. Yeah, totally. Because the way we are now. So like it's like a blessing we weren't together. It's so fun to have a fuck-ass cousin. Yeah. All my cousins are like mad normal sauce. Really?

I don't have no fuck-ass cousins. I'm the fuck-ass cousin. I was going to say, you're the fuck-ass cousin. Although I do have a cousin who also has been hospitalized for psychosis multiple times, but she is very neurotic, nebishy, Jewess. Also, you had a cousin that fucked the substitute teacher. Which one of my cousin fucked the substitute teacher? Who fucked? Oh, no, they just made out.

Your friend that's a substitute teacher? Yeah, my cousin made out with our friend that's a substitute teacher. No, as a student? No, no, no. She grown. It was just a random, like, Bushwick-ass-like link. Like, it was just, like, on some Bushwick shit. It's like, yeah, my cousin and our friend Ethan Mack.

It was hella random for us. It felt like world's colliding, the invisible string type shit. She's like ultimate cousin. Like she can only see her as cousin. Yeah, I can't imagine her as mother. Yeah. When I have my kidney surgery, she, my kidney zone surgery, she came over. Dude, she watches my cats when I'm going like, they love her.

She came over. She took care of me. When she's sick, I'll like take care of her. It's like really nice. She's the best. Super maternal, but in such like, uh, you know, you take a care of. If not, I'll kick your ass. Like a stud wigger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes me very happy to know people like Sherry. Like, I think one of the things about doing comedy that I love so much is all the different kinds of people that you can meet and struggle bus. We can learn about all these people's like backgrounds and development. So many people have HIV and stuff.

Yeah. Jordan lost. You lost? I lost to a guy who like killed his mother or something. Like he had like his sister and his mom died like in the same year. And he was a model who got, Diddy too. Yeah, he's a Diddy model.

The closest people to me aside from you won. Sherry won, Dan St. Germain one. Yeah. He won. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dan one. Yeah.

Dan is, Dan has his CDL to drive the struggle plan. I love Dan. I called him fat. We called him fat so much. Yeah. We kept saying he had, Stacey K was on the lineup and we were like, it was St. It was C.C.

Olivia Sadler. C.C. Olivia St. Olivier Saddell and Dan St. And Nick made a joke where he was like, the one person on this lineup that shouldn't have tits or that does have tits shouldn't have tits and it was Dan. No, it was the one person that should have tits doesn't.

Stacey's so funny, but I just had that Stacey K reaction because I thought you were talking about the Stacey that uh plays guitar in Times Square with the fake tits. Do you know her? No, I don't know what time squarely is with big tits. She's like a kind of thing. She's like the girl naked cowboy in Times Square. She's like a crazy person. It's her name, Stacey K.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Is it St. Are they faking out? They're totally fake. No, Stacey K the comic's very funny. She's great. But I thought you wrangled this woman

who is like a homeless crazy woman. Yeah, we're like you've gotten raped or something, right? That's kind of like where we're approaching on the show, I think, is stragglers. Dan St. Germain desperately wants his wife to put him in a diaper and let him pee and poop his pants. No, that was years ago. That was years ago. That was years ago. He said that is what he desperately wants.

That was years like sexually or just sort of. Like it's like a healing for healing. I did a show in Western Massachusetts with him. Afterwards we went out. It was him, his wife, his dad and me. And he ordered three entrees and then showed me in the video of Anne Hache being loaded into the ambulance. She's like comes out of the body bag.

With his dad there and he was eating like loaded. potatoes Dan is the funniest fucking person I love him so much and I'm saying this he just celebrated 90 days sober and I'm so proud of him

shout out to him we love you keep coming back you did put me into a six day darkness when you said you wanted your wife to change your diaper that's so scary that was the vibe for sure

his wife is like a really sweet wholesome person and just the fact that that wasn't enough for him that he wanted to shit his pants But did you not listen to... For a man, for a fat man with tiny teeth, that should be enough. Tiny teeth.

Did you not listen to... The biggest head in comedy. You're never wrong. It's just a chance to change and grow. Yeah. But it really, it really put me in a phone. It gives us a chance to learn. Just the idea of you settle, you marry a man who's like fat and weird and a drug addict.

And then they're like, hey, I need more. So he's like a, he's like a classic guy on struggle bus. because it's like he's a white guy, you know, he probably makes okay money, whatever. We book him and we book like a trans woman

and all these other people and his life is so much worse than it. Oh, yes. He's had the most fucked up life. The white guys always surprised the fuck out of us. What's up? Like a middling,

like millennial, like straight white guy is always going to have the most darkness compared to anybody else in the line up. He's going to have a story about his father wrestling a knife out of his hand the night of his college graduation or whatever.

Stuff like that always happens on the show. Sometimes we book trans women just because we're like, like, well, you probably got raped and murdered. And then they're like, they're like, the most normal. They're so normal. They're like, my family didn't accept me, but I have a good life now. Yeah.

Or they're like, I'm preparing my relationship with my parents. Yeah, and we're like, no, actually. And then we talk to a guy like Dan Cerman and he's like, yeah, so I was sodomized at seven. Yeah. We used to sleep in bed with just a head. Yeah. My neighbor's head. Yeah.

Trans woman was also sodomized at seven, but she's, she is grateful. The white man is not grateful for what they have. The white man is not grateful. The white man is not grateful. The white man is not grateful. The trans woman is like, ultimately, I'm okay. Ultimately, I'm okay because I have made my life.

I'm a flower. I'm a flower. I have bloomed. Insane Germaine is like, I'm on Viking it right now. He's like, I'm not okay because my wife won't let me shit my pants. Imagine being in a group chat with him.

I would be so lucky. It is the best. I think I am in a group chat. It is the best. Are you? I want to be added to a DSG group chat. Dude, it's the best. He's the fucking king.

He wears blooms. because they're comfortable. And it feels like a diaper. And I have so many pictures of him in bloomers. Why does he have bloomers? Where did he find those? Why? They're soft to his skin.

Where do you get bloomers that fit a guy that size? They're grandma. For a big ass grandma? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A tall as fuck, biggest foot grandma? And we won't hear anything in the group chat and then just randomly he'll be like,

it's a bloomer's day, boy. Oh my God. He wears him under his hands. And he's like a prolifically genius writer. He's so. He's amazing And he's just sitting there And he's always like

Gratitude list Number ones to blumers Apropos of nothing He's gonna be like It'll be quiet in a room And he'll be like Well you know the Jews did 9-11 Like apropos of nothing

He's really good about Because you'll hear him be like Breathing's so heavy His sleep apnea Dude we talk on the phone every day And I'll just What do you all say to each other? I'm gonna do it today

Today's the day He'll just call And every time we talk, I'm like, did you just get the worst goose you've ever heard? Stop eating peanut butter and talk to me. It's just him being like, no, I don't know, man. Everything is coming down around me. And I'm like, all right, Dan, gratitude. What are we grateful for?

And yeah, he told, this is probably okay to say. But yeah, he told us that his animated pilot did not get picked up because of Israel. Yeah. Oh, my God. Can we take that? He claims everything on Israel. He thinks that massage is not like Israel. It's incredible.

He's literally said, there's a haunting happening inside of me and I just can't get rid of it. Oh, haunting. A haunting. But he's better now. And he goes on stage and he's like, they're the best.

They're the best. They have a tiny little dog name like Mochi. Like it's the funniest existence. She's the sweetest woman. She's the sweetest age. Is she normal? I love them so much. They are the best.

with Dan stayed here one night and he had to leave and get a hotel because he had too many allergies at the cat. Oh my God. Power wash that couch when he's done. I love him. That couch has burkiss at water in it. So much. And I admired Dan.

I watched him in high school. I think he's so funny. Dude, when I started comedy, I used to send his fallon sets to friends. He's like, this is so good. You know the Hey Jude joke? That was big for me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know it.

And, yeah, no, he's, he's great. He's the best. And so are you guys. I'm so grateful you guys came to hang out. You're going to come back again. We didn't get to talk about male female friendship. I have to leave immediately. Where are you going, sis?

I'm going to be at the beacon November 12th. Everybody get tickets for that. So we're headed now. Yeah, I got to go. I got spots. Fuck. You can, you guys can keep rip a sig maybe? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that cool? You get a- Bye, Jordan. Good to see you, Princess. Bye, thank you so much. I love you. You can see me at Empire Comedy Club, Kismet Improv, comedy cabin.

You can see me at the Comedy Cave in Alberta. And listen to our podcast. You can see him at every comedy club that's hard to pronounce it to start. You can see me. I'm kind of like not, like I'm kind of like on a break. Listen to our podcast.

Hell yeah. What did you say he knew me about? I just, I told him I was a comic. He's, oh, do you know Ian Fydance? I was like, no, no, not really. Dude, so many motherfuckers say they know me and, like, say, and I'm like, I don't know who this person is, and it really bothers me. It says you're a male diva to a lot of types of guys.

What's that mean? Like a male diva, it's like, guys, what happened? Mike? Oh. What do you mean I'm a male diva to different types of guys? Like, I feel like you're like the king to, like, guys that don't play about ska punk. Yeah, you're like an archetype. Really?

Yeah, I think so. Especially to sober. guys? Yeah, to like sober guys that like don't play about Operation Ivy, mighty, mighty boss tones. Trapped under eyes. Is that nice or no? It's good. Yeah. Guys need somebody like you. Yeah. A beacon. Why? Why am I a beacon? Because I don't see myself that way and I'm interested in I'm not fishing. Sure. What do you mean? Because you're not like a junkie fuck anymore. And also like if you run into someone that you've heard about in like a meeting or something, it makes an impact. It means like they're successful and you know,

there's hope and shit. I don't know. Interesting. I appreciate that. Thank you. Yeah, that's cool. I don't know that guy. Great. But is he a bad, Ombre?

I mean, I have a joke about it, and I'm supposed to not talk about it. Really? Yeah, because he joined the CIA. Dude, I need to know. He was a sober guy and he joined the CIA. Dude, a friend of mine went out with a couple guys who were like 21, 22 that work for Palantir.

and I like cornered her and was like, tell me everything, what did they do? How did you know? There has to be something. They're all like autistic chuds that like can't speak. Dude, it's insane. They're all like mute autists. They don't think.

And they're all like, I just got to get paid. Yeah, exactly. And it's like, dude, you are evil. You're evil. What the fuck are you doing? The banality of evil, darling. The banality of evil. Were you about to say that?

I was about to say that. I was about to say that. I was about to say Hannah, rent. I went out or I did a show in the city and this guy, I was talking about like Palantir. I was going off on some rant or something. Oh, about dead internet theory.

And he stopped me after the show and was like, hey, I just got to let you know. Because I was like talking about volunteering and then dead internet theory. He's like, dude, those things hit me so hard because all I do with my time, I'm rich and all I do with my time now is volunteer. And I was like, go on. He's like in the 2010s and like 2016, I got paid in. insane amounts of money to create Twitter handles and Twitter accounts that I was getting paid from Russian oligarts, people in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, sending them money to make these accounts and he never knew what happened to them.

But he was getting like hundreds of thousands of dollars for this. And he's like, I realize I am responsible partly for the dead internet. I created these ghost bot accounts that were sold that then stowed Discord. and the things I created for money that I was a kid 10 years ago and was like, ah, no big deal, whatever, I'm getting paid. What the fuck is up? He's like, I'm responsible for like horrible things happening in the world based on things that aren't even real.

Wait, so he would just make Twitter accounts? Yeah, and like... Or he made like an algorithm that made them. Yeah, yes, yes. And he would build the accounts up and then sell them. And then the accounts would be used for like different... And like computer farms in like India. That's like so...

And Russian bot farms. That's like Enders game. What is that? You know that book? Fire ass book. Fire ass book. It's like a YAA novel. Yeah, it's where like a kid thinks he's playing a video game, but he's actually like in actual war and like murdering people.

That I think that's why when I went under with anesthesia, I freaked out because I have this fear that like I'm like in this like simulation thing and I like woke up for me, you know? I constantly think I'm a ghost. Yeah. I'm thinking he's a ghost lately. Really? Very real. You're very alive. Thank you.

I've had psychotic breaks though where I thought I was in like a reality show and this, I was going to this guy's house. It was a producer to talk, but it turned out he was just a gay man that wanted to fuck me. Which is fine. That's happened to me a million times. I, every October, because I went on a Facebook status update, insane thing. I invited all these people to a party. I like said all this crazy shit.

Yes. And every October, it's like Facebook memory. It's my metal breakdown. I'm so glad my. Twitter doesn't exist anymore because the stuff I was tweeting in psychosis was so fucking crazy. Because you think you have an answer and you know everything and I was calling people up and I was like the rap party's going to be insane for the show. But my tweet for all that find out. Pavich on the show, Matt Pavich.

Oh, dude, when I was in my psychotic break, I stayed at his house. Well, he was psychotic. No, he was, he was cool and not psychotic. That's loud as fuck. Dude, I couldn't stay in my house. I just sleep at people's houses. because I couldn't be alone. And so I was like couch surfing for a while while I had my place

because I just could not be alone. And he was so kind to me to open up his space to me. Him, Stavre and Brendan Sagalow let me like live with them. All in Astoria. It's like a one block. Yeah, yeah. I was just like bouncing around in Astoria on my bicycle with a speaker playing Scott. Like things are good.

I just saw his house for the first time. Pavich. There's like graffiti that's like crossed out on all of his walls. It's like the craziest like haunted space. of his psychos. Dude, that's my childhood bedroom. I had like, you will not bring me down. Yeah.

Don't listen. Like, mantras. I wrote, like, getting bullied. I wrote, yeah, yeah. There's a failure in communication, the thing from two-hand Luke or whatever. Amazing. I wrote it in a, like, scribbled pen on my wall. Oh, yeah.

My mom painted all over it, like, it's gone. I'm like, but mom, the memories of me being unwell. How dare you? When I was in psychosis, like, I didn't have male psychosis where I was having, good ideas about projects. Like I was, like, my psychosis was straight up just like, there's bugs in my skin. God is going to open a chasm for me to fall into in the middle of the earth and there will be no trace of me ever again.

The Ivy Wolf factory burned down 100 years ago. Pictures of me will all be orbs. Like my psychosis was like, and so I was tweeting all the time like, I will die in my sleep and no one will remember me. And I would tweet that like 30 times tonight. Jesus Christ. You know what's so sad. There was this comic who quit comedy became a chef.

She was so sweet. and she was in psychosis. She brought her cell phone when she was hospitalized in the hospital and was like, I was sex trafficked, my family was in on it. Jacks? Was that her name? Jacks, yeah.

And rest in peace, Jack Saloso, such a sweetheart. But the saddest part is that she was in psychosis tweeting this. And she was like, don't believe my family. They're in on it. This senator, blah, blah.

And it was psychotic. She ended up taking her life. and it got picked up on the internet and people were harassing her friends and family and they're like, can we please? People found out her family's address and phone number. She was in the hospital.

She brought her phone in. Like she was very unwell. Please let us alone. And people were like doxing the people saying that. Like, how dare you? We need to get to the bottom of this. And then two days later they were just on. These flies went to another pile of shit to fucking bother.

And then the family's left with the pieces of this horrific. experience. They were also psychotic, like the people that supported her. Because there's a lot of... In a way. Schizoid people on the internet. Well, yeah. If you're in psychosis and you post... Stacey Kinnisinsen's my favorite. I love Stacey. Shat out to your motherfucking Stacey.

Stacey Kinnis. I am not a Jew monster pig. I just want to let you know. Sandra Bullock is lasering off my pubic mound. Sandra Bullock I lasered off the left side of my quadrant pubic mound as well as Charlie's throne. Oh my gosh, she did. I love Stacey Kinnis. Keep going. You're going to get to the bottom of it.

When she has like, when she like gets gussied up for a video, I'll comment and I'll be like, Stacy, you look beautiful. You look amazing right now. Well, the thing is people will look at these psychotic breakdowns and be like, yeah, you're right. The government is. Yeah. People do that.

Yeah. Oh, that sucks. Oh, wow. That sucks. Oh, no. You guys are just scared leaders for Stacy. People are terrible. People do that.

What the hell? Dude, I want to, I want to get on there and be like, Stacey, it's true. that Sandra Bullock wants you to bring me and then have her be like Instagram to my house. A lot of kids are friends of people that I follow, follow me back and they will just send me like paragraphs and paragraphs being like, just so you know circumcision is cancer.

Oh yeah. Vaccines give you rabies. And they'll be like, true, true. And they'll be like, true, true. And they'll be like, are you a fed just like this other guy?

And it's like, I don't know the guy that I'm just on their phone also. Yeah. We interact with them. But when I was in psychosis. We invite them to the show. But people, when I was inside, we have invited to type of cable.

You get them. You get them. them out of it, they're like, I don't have it that bad. Yeah, literally. When I was in psychosis, like, people were still trying to cancel me online. So I was, like, in psychosis, like, full blown and, like, posting through it. And people were being like, yeah, but like, you're like a racist, transphobic bitch and a piece of shit. And you should die and you should die in your sleep. Why do people say you're transphobic?

I don't know. It's like something that, like, just, it was like, game of telephone that just got made up along the way where people just say these things about me that I'm like a Nazi or that I'm a transphobic or whatever. And then people just believe them with no evidence. but like when I was in psychosis, it was like I was on my phone, like out of my mind tweeting, like God is going to open up a hole in the earth

that I will be swallowed into it. There will be no memory of me. The bugs are chasing. I mess with her. I was like, hey, so do you want to like check out a hospital? Or like, what do you think? Eventually, I know some good ones. I put myself in a psych word.

I found it for. She found it. Really? She found it for me. Which one? Gracie Square. Gracie Square on the Upper East Side. Shout out.

Shout out. Everybody was like, there was like a night where I had like an insane meltdown where I took like, there was like two, the two, the two, leading up to my breakdown I took I think 68 Ativan in 10 days so I was just like on a shit ton of Adavan constantly just like popping like five like a handful of them a day and just going throughout my day

like high as fuck and cutting and cutting and not eating and my it was balding and my skin is yellow posting a lot and I like I had this like meltdown I hung out with this guy that I had a crush on and he rejected me and I had this like meltdown where like I took like a shit ton of pin a shit ton of Anadavan and a shit ton of Benadryl and I got high out of my mind I blacked out and I like cut my entire body up from like head to toe with a razor.

Oh Perez Hilton style. Yeah. Perez Hilton style. I wrote the book. Bitch. He's just copying the fucking the wool print. Piece of shit from start to finish. Fuck him.

Fuck him. He's fucking dies. I hate him so much. He's responsible for such a negative, horrific part of the internet and made his career off the backs of hurting women. And he's such a fucking piece of shit and you reap what you so. And usually I have compassion and empathy. But I have none for him.

He also says. the world that ended up hurting him. Yes. And he also said he's... The same way when Charlie Kirk was like, I don't care if people die of gun violence, if people can have guns. You created the world that took you down.

It's a Shakespearean. But it is funny to think that you think that a gun took him down and not an exploding lapel mic done by Israel. Where's Dan? Where's Dan? But, no, dude. And Perez Hilton also said he was not going to give his kids money because they need to earn it. It's like, motherfucker you chose to adopt them.

You selfish fucking pig. Oh, he adopted his kids. Yeah. He didn't have kids. He's gay. I don't fucking know. You can't make babies in the ass. What's the matter with you, Nick?

Maybe he has a friend. Trust me, I've tried. He has like a Jordan Ivy figure. Right. To like have his children. It's so funny. Imagine me carrying you in Olivia's baby. Dude, I truly.

The down syndrome that I would give even with Olivia's egg. Big ass baby. I truly want to have a kid like with like a friend carrying my kid or like give my kid. Or like give my kid a kid to like my friend and then I'll be like in and out of their life, you know. It's what gay guys do. I have a friend. Sometimes I have a friend. Sometimes I have fantasize.

about like I have a kid with someone and then we get divorced and then she remarries and I meet the stepfather and I'm like I just want to make sure that my son is safe that that being your fantasy I picture you like the dad at the beginning of angels in the outfield like the kids like will you mom get together and you're like the angels win the pennant is that a movie none of you have seen no I was I was pretending I came out 10 years before you were born awesome awesome I love the fact that you were in full-blown obvious psychosis and people were still like, you're transphobic. Yes.

Like that's crazy. And they were like, you tweeted when you were 16. Yeah, it's like I am fully a product of my generation. The reason that I am the way I am is because all of the worst, nastiest things, like traits of my generation have fallen unto me. And I've been the one that's had to be like, okay, let's look at this and understand why this happens. But I think that's so fascinating because it seems like you've handled it and like somehow like

can now puppeteer in a way. where you were the puppet. And I don't think that I have the constitution for that or would have the ability to deal with that. And so like I, I mean, like so much power to you. Nick, do you think you could deal? I don't think I could deal with that. Like that's- You don't think you could handle it?

No, like the constitution and like resiliency that you have to go through all that. Not at your age for sure. Yeah. Like it's, I know I'm talking to like you're an alien. I'm sorry. But it's like so fascinating because I, like, even when when I was a teacher, like looking at young, kids younger and everything. It was like you just fundamentally don't understand.

And then I mean, it's like on a level that I don't know. I hope so many people aspire to be. Like you guys said that thing about Beacon for me, but the same to both of you, especially what you do is struggle bust and taking people's like worst traumas and like laughing about it,

which I think is like such a powerful, wonderful thing because that's how I got through so many things with me is like, all you can do is fucking laugh. Yeah. And I think that's fucking great you guys are doing. Thanks. Thank you.

No, no, no, I sure. Our show is so good. Our show is so good. We run the best show in New York. Yeah, it's, dude, it's fantastic. I was so nervous to do it. And you killed. You guys are great.

We got to smoke and everything. That was so fun, you know. How long have you and Jordan been friends? Man, for like eight years. Where did you mean? I needed an opener and she had a truck. And I thought she was so funny at open mic. That's how she met.

That's how she met Jake, too. Yeah. He just had a car and she thought he was funny. Yeah. So we went down to Philly for a gig and, like, chain smoke cigarettes and listen to the misfits. And then, like, just became buds. Wow. Do you guys fight?

All the time. You did here. They just fought. But I'm not sure what's put upon for camera and what is real. None of it. We don't fight as much as before, but it used to be, like, screaming match fights. About what? Nobody drives me up a wall like her because she's clinically insane.

Right. Like a very unwell person. Nick and I have never. And I will never turn my back and I love her no matter. what, but she's like so, God bless her, but good God Almighty. And I'm not easy to deal with easy. I'm not easy to deal with either. I have my own things, but I always, she's taught me for better or worse, like a level

of communication, understanding acceptance that like, I know I'm a better person for our friendship. I hope she is as well. But like, I love her no matter what, but, you know, I don't know. Is that fucked up to say? No, that's great. That's real. Yeah, that's perfect.

That's what friendship is. Yeah, you've done each other fucking crazy. I mean, you met Shia. I feel like Sherry has been a lifeline to me because people see her and they're like, oh, Ian hasn't been lying. Right. You know, like, oh, this is real. Like, everything is not made up, you know.

And it is. But like, we came from very abusive backgrounds and, like, childhoods. And so I think our love language is like, like, I was always told, like, if you love each other, you fight and you scream and you yell. And that's like something I've. very much have gotten away from, but we really bring it out each other. Yeah, I don't want to hit this again, but it's very Italian. That's how Italian people talk. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, totally. It's like really yelly and operatic. Totally. But also at the same time, like, I'll do anything for you. Can I bring you anything? Yeah, totally. I've, like, cooked and, like, brought it to her house. Like, I love, like, cooking for people and stuff. Like, I learned that from my grandma, you know. Nick and I's codependence or like, or our darkness comes from codependence. Yeah, for real. Like, our, we don't express, like, we've had disagreements, but, like, we've had disagreements, But our, like, problems in our friendship don't arise from fighting. It's, like, very much the other person is, like, being, like, is in the dark place.

And then the other one is, like, I have to go all in on bringing you out of dark place. We're both addicts. We're both caretakers, too. So, like, it's, yeah, we've had to work through it a little bit. Yeah. Oh, I can imagine. Because when I was in the nasty, like, Nick was, like, he was the, for some reason, like, in my psychotic brain, I was like, Nick Vagas is the one that can save me. But also, like, I had a stable city job.

I was in a stable city job. I was in a stable relationship. I was doing okay at comedy. It was a pretty stable thing. And now I'm in the dark place. Now he's in the dark place. You're in the dark place. But even in times where Nick has been,

you know, even when you had a job when you relapsed, which is like, you know. I relapsed last year. He relapsed last year when you were in. Just because you drink doesn't mean you lose the experience of what you learned. Thank you for saying that.

Relapse is a huge part of my story. I'm 11.5 years sober now. God bless. Yeah, I had three and a half. And then I. Yeah. Did you do the thing where when you would go back, you'd be like, I have 60 days, but I had, I would do that. Dude, that killed me.

Sober ego. Oh, totally. That's why the day count is kind of fucked up because it's like, it almost like becomes a shame cycle. Yeah. You know, you're back. You know when people say that? I went to a meeting today for the first time in like forever. Which means?

I feel, 12th Street Workshop felt so good. And I, and I saw a dude there that I would see when I was going around a lot. And he's like a year. sober now and I just got like hit with this like yo I feel good like it's it's crazy how I'll convince myself like I'll I'll only go when I need it I'll get what I want and then someone to go dude you seem like great I'm like God what I want I don't have to go yeah and it's not I know oh you look great don't need to go to the gym anymore yeah that's what after me I thought my shit was sweet yeah I stopped going to meeting the shit ain't sweet he thought his shit was

Sweet. You think your shit, your shit ain't sweet as shit, shit, dog. My sponsor moved and joined the CIA, and it was this whole thing.

And then, hilarious. That's the best. We get to wrap up, but this was so fun. Thanks for having us. You guys came. Yeah,

anytime, please come back. We'll hang. We'll do it when Jordan is on here. But tell everyone what you want them to check out. All right.

I mean, follow me on Instagram. I'm adding more soon. I'm going to be in Toronto. At Struggle Bus Live. At Struggle Bus Live. our podcast. I mean Toronto, Alberta, Chicago, Wisconsin, Providence, Empire Comedy Club in Maine.

Mr. Spots. And spots around town. Spots around town. Booking busy Nikki V. And I am in New York for the time being for reasons that will be revealed at a later date. Anora. A Nora. Make sure you check out.

The Napa Boys is on 2B. Check out Tobe When you're not watching Zimbabwean dramas And African films Check out Ivy Do you like me, Ian? Yeah, why?

He worries Do you like me? Yeah, do you like you? He worries that people don't like him. I worry about that all the time. I convince myself I'm not wanted And everyone hates me so I don't go around And I hide out here

And then I go places and people are like where you been? I'm like, oh, I'm ill. Right. I'm wrong. Right. What were you going to say? That's something that I feel like I don't really fret about that much. Just because I think I'm confronted with people's really strong opinions about me all the time. And so I kind of have this understanding that if people don't fuck with me, they'll just say it in the worst way as possible. And so mostly I'm just like, yeah, if people aren't doing that, then they must tolerate me enough.

I think it's because I grew up with an alcoholic mom and she wasn't like a extroverted one. She was like an Irish, like despairing one. She was a ghost in the house. And I think she just did she felt like trapped in our house and she just never said that to me, but I always kind of felt it. The trappings of domesticity got to Catherine. Yeah. Yeah. The farce of heterosexuality. The suburban on we. I'm afraid everyone thinks I'm like a transphob chaser and I'm not like welcome and I'm like some sex reek And that's not who I am at all You're nice and normal

Yeah Yeah And you're not a chaser, you're a chaser I chase love You're a chaser and I chase fun and I chase connection And I've been on Grindr and apps Only looking for friendship and community Because I don't have any queer friendships if I like

Wow you're looking for some gay guys to link and build with I just want You're the Agora community and friends and I feel like I'm like now more okay with myself than ever and I feel like I years ago had more of a brashness about things and so I may have been looked at or taken the wrong way but it really bothers me that people think that about me and it makes me stay away from places because I'm not that

and I hate that that could even be like a reputation and I'm just saying this to you guys tell me it's not true no of course it's not true you're nice and normal everyone likes you Glenn loves you the cat is favoring Glenn which not go near you if you guys weren't cool. Oh, and no truth. Ianfinance.com for all my dates, Winnipeg, Milwaukee, Madison, Charlotte, Dallas, Philly,

going all over, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, Sacramento, Ian doing odd guy, doing odd jobs out every other week. The episode with AEW wrestling is out. This week's behind the scenes in two weeks. I am in the ring wrestling, taking bumps, feeling lumps, having fun, getting chokeslam. I wrestled with AEW. elite wrestling. They gave me a costume. I got choke slammed by a six-foot-tall female wrestler, and I jizzed, just kidding, tried to make a joke because I got insecure about taking my

career seriously. He's not a sex freak. Not a sex freak. Looking for love. I chase love. I'm retaining semen. I, I need a sublet if anyone wants to live. Oh yeah, Nick needs somewhere to live. Nick needs somewhere to live. Shout out Nick. Anybody is listening to this. Nick needs somewhere to live. Let me know. We love it for love for it to be in the Bushwick Metropolitan area. And I won't fuck or date anybody that has watched this because the last time I did to fuck a fan contest,

it was really scary. So my girlfriend's a comic. Shout out Nick's girlfriend. At OG Carter on Instagram. She's on the road on the mad drama tour. Check it out. Shout out all the DMs I get about wanting to fuck. I like attention,

but I'm scared of you. And I am in my soft girl era. And I'm really kind of just dating myself. And I'm not gay. I'm not flexible about it. Don't come in my DMs. I'm in a relationship. I am very much leaning heavy on the gay side of the Kinsey scale,

but I'm holding it down sometimes for straights. But if you're out there, again, if you're a guy, don't show me your whole DM first and be nice. And don't lie and say you like my comedy and then show hold that's fucked up. Right. And I empathize with the girlies on that.

Do you like Cole or Hall more? Hogg. I don't like Hogg. comments by the way why was nick chewing gum what were those mouth noises we talked about it up top he talked about it up stutter it's plagued him his whole life it's played him his whole life give the guy some fucking grace okay he's a fucking freak right i'm a freak bitch god hated it he's my best friend and all I'm trying to do is do stand-up comedy yep and he's my best friend is that so wrong that's my fucking best friend and this is my fucking best friend look at this fucking model Nick say I'm your best friend

Ivy Wolk is my best friend Nick Viag is my best friend I'm glad you guys said that because I cannot for the life of me pronounce both of your last names. Wool. Vigga. The August. The August. Walt. Okay.

See you next time. Bye. Bye. Do you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know, the same way you can skip an ad. I get it. I'm Siaia and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned.

And today, I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem.