Bein' Ian With Jordan - Tribal Cues W/Jim Norton | Bein' Ian with Jordan #181

Episode Date: January 14, 2026

Stand-up LEGEND Jim Norton joins Mommy and Daddy to talk about how the news is poisoning the country, Ian's ski trip, and the time the gang when skydiving. Plus, the proper way to dirty talk & dating whoever you want. Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 JORDAN JENSEN | DEATH CHUNK: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here!: https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast -Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code SKA @ http://BlueChew.com/ -Support the show & get 20% off your first Lucy order with code FIENDCLUB at https://www.lucy.co/FIENDCLUB Follow Jordan Jensen: @jordanjensenlolstop https://instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop See Jordan Live! - https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! - https://punchup.live/ianfidance Follow Jim! https://instagram.com/jimnorton Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: James Webb https://instagram.com/thechicagopro/ Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian Fidance Outro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Telling jokes and having smokes riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being in Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being in

Being in And life is shit with you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live Aligh Being in With Jordan Do you like our assortment of rats and squirrels? I actually do.

It looks good what you have set up. Thank you. It's like a cool space. Yeah. Yeah, I wanted it to feel like your friend's house and your parents aren't home. Yeah. And you're hanging out,

but instead of getting high on drugs, you get high on life. That's right. And high on laughter. Let's not forget that. Yes. High on laughter. Big laughs.

High on laughs. Mm-hmm. I'm going to overdose on some chuckles today. Oh, let's hope so. Yeah. I hope I'm not a lackluster dealer. Well, I'll tell you this. Your, my favorite thing now is your current event updates on your Instagram.

It is the funniest thing ever. And when you were talking about the, uh, what's been going on in Minneapolis, so you're like, now one angle is here and the other angle. But see, you got to look at this thing. And I jokingly was like, I need to see an angle of this angle of you shooting this. And all these people comment like, It's online. You can see it right here.

You know there's another. And I'm like, you didn't get my joke. And then people were not even getting yours. And then now everyone gets it. But I'm dying, laughing at the people that take it serious. The level of stupidity online. And I guess some things are contextual. But like, I put up a tweet recently.

It was about Mom Donnie's, that woman, Sia Weaver, who is his housing person. Oh, what she said, like, who everyone finds annoying. Yeah, yeah. But I put up a picture over that. wasn't that flattering and I said something like she's not good don't be taken in by her beauty and the amount of people that were like her beauty her beauty and it's like what a country of jerk-offs like how does nobody understand sarcasm yeah I mean how do and and first of all even if you didn't get the sarcasm why would you care yeah but also you had pictures to go along

with it it's not like you were just typing something like you saw an objectively ugly The picture I put up, unfortunately, was not flattering. I found one that did not make her look good. That's interesting. I didn't know there were any of those out there. She looks great in every photo. It's crazy how stupid people are. And it's even, it's because there's a rush to anger that people don't even care if they're

right or wrong. They're like, ah! And then they go, Andrew Yang was on my podcast, and he had a really good way of putty. He called them tribal cues. And that was a great term because people put out these tribal cues that gets everybody in the group angry. It's just, you know. What idiots.

Well, also, everyone feels they have to comment and make a point. And this is the answer right when it happens. Like, I remember there was a school shooting. And at a certain, there's no information. You have to stop commenting and trying to come up with new information. Because it is a wait and see thing with these events. And it's like, you know, we want these answers right away. But I remember I was watching this.

It was like nonstop coverage on a shooting years ago. And one of the news reporters was like, we see a white van in the background, possibly the van the shooter was in prior to the shooting. We are getting word that it is a plumbing van on the site. It has nothing to do. And I was like, dude, just stop, stop. The 24-hour news cycle did I say, like, people are so desperate. And that's why I do those rambling. Because people that enjoy them are the people that I would want to enjoy them.

Because I hate every I don't people have a right to weigh in Yeah, but I'm just bored with everybody trying to be fucking right Yeah, everybody trying to be smart. It's like shut there's a documentary and and I'm blanking on the name of it right now and I'll Comment on it and have the right name I forget what it was it's on YouTube, but it was about the 24 hour news cycle when it came to fruition in the early 90s And it uh so there was 24 hour news cycles and there was a switch where everything was live but there was an actual switch switch they'd hit to go to air. So it recorded everything for 24 hours, but they got to choose what would go to air. And there's all these instances of these newscasters flipping out, not knowing that they're

being recorded, being like, we have nothing to report. There's nothing to say. Why do we have to keep going and commenting? And then we're going to be wrong. And then we're going to have these people get upset, but we got to sell the ads. And then they actually show footage of, there was like anti-abortion rally. and there were more pro-choice people at this rally than there were anti-abortion people.

And you actually saw them out loud say, okay, we're going to have to change that camera angle so that we make it seem as if the other side doesn't have as much support. So it's like for, I mean, how many decades have they been manipulating everything for us to see it a certain way and then have to report non-stop,

which is this fucking garbage. Yeah, they're just narrative. spinning idiots. I can't stand any of it. So it's more fun just to mock it. It's the best. And to mock the way people, like they're like,

you know, so and so is having a debate. It's like we're such fucking dummies that instead of just like looking at a few different news sources coming up with your own opinion, people need to watch two other people and like, well, that's my guy. Let's see if he beats her. Instead of like listening objectively,

I just hate everybody. Well, that was my fate because every one of your characters is so funny and people really like glom onto it because it's so silly and funny and it doesn't take itself seriously and so somebody said that your new news thing was like our early onset dementia and I said it was early onset Doug mention throwing back to Doug Bell

which his story is very Doug Bellish it's very meandering but with Doug it's all made up stories about celebrities like encounters he thinks he has but yeah it is just meandering idiocy and I'm just bored with everybody trying to be the smartest kid in class I'm just fucking shut up.

Shut the fuck up. It's just tedious. And it's not impressive. Hey, hey, hey. Come on in. Come on, madam. Hey, hey. Oh, I like your leather jacket.

You look like a fighter pilot from the 50s. It is my grandfather's fighter pilot coat from the 50s. Incredible. I like it. It's very fondsy of you. I'm a big Henry Winkler fan, so I like that. Look at the old zipper. Oh, wow.

I had one of these, and it yanked off my stupid, zipper and stories going nowhere. Anyway, welcome back to another episode of Be It Ian with Jordan. I'm Ian Finance. Jordan Jensen. Yeah, we did start five minutes ago. Yeah, yeah.

Our guest today, the fantastic, the wonderful, the iconic, the incredible, Jim Norton. Wow, the beard's getting crazy, huh? You like it? It's pretty thick. Dude. I've been getting so many compliments on the beard that it makes me feel as if I was the ugliest

person alive before. Interesting. It doesn't look bad. The beard is great. Thank God you got the beard. You're such a 10 now. I'm like, why you just tell me before that it was the ugliest trash pile of a human ever? We tried.

Yeah. Yeah, pull up the evidence. It's every podcast clip. You're ugly. I just wasn't listening. Cover your face. It's frightening me. Yeah, the thicker it gets and the more it covers my face,

the more people are like, this is a look. Don't change. I'm like, huh. Can I see it without the hat? I don't know if I just. like it with the hat um no the beard looks better it looks good what no i wanted to like because sometimes the hat will but it looks it looks fine well i i uh you got to bring a little closer to the chin yeah i need a shape a little trim i gotta see dominican barber i got to get it shaped up i have

god i love when white guys go to dominican bar but you know like i would never i know but you know when guys do that like comics will be like oh it's only 10 bucks and they leave with like one hair on their oh yeah yeah yeah and their sideburns are up to like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Tip top of their head. You like guys with beards? I'm not a beard. She's more of a beard. For someone.

The old Christy McNichols. Yes, yes. The old my roommate. I'm currently seeing a beard guy and I did have to get used to it. Oh, you did? Yeah, because it reminds me of my dad used to kiss me. Well, you've talked about your dad before. Did that like, do you not like the beard or does that like tap into weird things?

I have to, I have to navigate around the weird thing for a second. Like sometimes I'll kiss a beard and then I get immediately like turned on and I'm like, well, that's direct daddy shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. And then I'm distracted by that. But if I just lean into it, not that. You guys ever made out or no?

No. Which is actually kind of crazy. It is. What is that? Is that Guar? Yeah, yeah. Got that from Jamie Jostah. Guar gave it to him.

It's their axe. Oh, I love Jamie Jostah. He did Chips theme song. Oh, that's great. I just got asked to sing background vocals on a new Hapery track and we're recording it Thursday. Oh, nice. I'm so stoked. Yeah, he's a great guy.

It's amazing. He's incredible. Yeah, yeah. James, I'm really sorry. I really need water and I'm sorry to do that too. There's a water right here. Did you put your mouth on it? I mean, yes, but my mouth is clean.

Yeah, but you're sick like all the time. No, I'm not sick anymore. I just don't want to get sick. I just got over the flu. So what does your guy do? What did you say? I want to know what a guy does for a living. Production.

Oh, production. Put your mouth? I didn't put it. All right, James, it's fine. Just rub, just pour it in your face. No, I'm not sick. I've lost my voice. What am I doing?

From screaming. You're not, you're fine, you're fine. You're cute. Although I probably wouldn't, but I never share bottles with, even my wife I won't share a bottle. I was saying, don't put your mouth on it because now I can't put my mouth on it because I don't know where your mouth has been. No. Stop it. What was the last time you went skiing?

I went skiing last week in Denver, Keystone, the best time ever? I won't ski. I'm afraid of breaking my leg and not being able to work. I've never skied. I'm not a fan of the skiing. No. It scares me. Really?

I'd like to learn to snowboard, but I'm not a fan of the legs being separated and mangled. You don't separate. You keep them close. Yeah. Last thing I'll be humming, I got you, babe, and I'll fucking slam into a tree.

So it's for you, Sonny. I kept thinking a Sunny Bona. Of course. There's these little tracks you can go down right through the trees, and I was hitting them, and then hitting like a jump and everything. Because I skied growing up,

and then I hit, like, the easy bunny trail at first, and then my confidence gets up, and then I start to race people that don't know I'm racing. And then I accidentally race these guys into a black diamond. And I hit these moguls. And that was gnarly. Black diamond is the highest, right?

Yes. Yeah, you should have what my uncle called them. What's the mogul? A mogul's those bumps that you're supposed to like in between. And I didn't see them coming up because I didn't know I hit this black diamond because the trails merge. And dude, I was bombing this hill. we get to this flat and then down the other. And I'm trying to beat these guys.

And all of a sudden it was just blanketed with moguls. And I was just like, here we go. It was like, go, good, good, good, good. Unconsville, Connecticut, Comics, Mohican, Sun, January 15th to 17th. And then I'm going on the Emo's Not Dead Cruz. And to January, January, January, 29th to February 1st, Cap City Comedy Club, Austin, Texas, eiffonance.com for tickets. And then I'm going to Dayton, Ohio, Portland, Maine, Seattle, Washington, Portland,

Portland, Oregon, Nashville, Baltimore, Nashville, two different gigs in Nashville, Huntsville, Alabama, all over, eInfinance.com for tickets. Jordan. I will be at hilarities coming up here pretty soon. Let's please sell this out. Then Tempe, Arizona. I would also like to sell that out. And then I have a big bus store coming up that's going to start in Houston and Portsmith with all the cities in between. We got New Orleans.

We got Buffalo. We got Cincinnati. We got Asheville. We got Portsmouth. Toronto, big Toronto one guys. So come out to that. Let me just see if I missed any really quickly. Atlanta.

I didn't realize that. Columbus, Pittsburgh, Boston. Those are the ones I didn't say. Charlotte, too. Damn, this is going to be a long-ass tour. Come out, see the bus tour. We got special merch that's only going to be on the bus. Is your face going to be on the bus?

My faith will be, my... You should put your face on the side of the bus and on the back of the bus. It should be you from behind. It's a fucking sponsor on the bus, actually. Oh, boy, howdy. Ian doing our guy doing our jobs. YouTube.com slash eivideance comedy.

It's out. January 20th. Subscribe. Watch. Enjoy. Bye. I wiped out. I just laid there for a while.

And thank God I didn't fuck myself up again because I'm like chronically injured. Yeah. And I ended up skiing the rest of the hill. And then I went back and did it again to prove that I could beat the mountain. And I did it. Really help myself confidence Sure I'm really proud of you for doing that

It's great Thank you Yeah I've had no desire to ski Anything like that Where I can fuck myself up Without insurance and hurt myself No sports I played sports as a kid

I'll lie No I mean I like baseball It was a good pitcher Believe it or not Really? Yeah Interesting Wow

Life kind of switched around Was like You know Ian's going on a Loner ski trip Yeah And I was like Yeah I'm really proud of him I think it'll be good for him

He's like Eh it's sad I will, we will play phone tag And then I'll call him And I'll go, hello, lonely And then we'll talk And you're like, all right, I gotta go And I'll be up later, call me back

And I'm like, well, who's lonely? Yeah, yeah, yeah I get calls from him about bits Like he'll always want to know, hey, are you doing anything It's always some great concept That I've never been thought of Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I wish I was. Some highbrow shit

You're like, no, I've never considered that for a second. That's so funny because he hits me with, have you heard this? It's about juggling. I'm like, oh, okay. No, I don't think I've cornered the market on juggling. I do respect that he does that, though, because he's running through so many different topics in his brain. I do like that he reaches out and checks it. The worst is when you're doing something and it's working, you know, like, do I steal that from someone?

Did I, like, you just don't know. I never want to watch people. I don't watch specials or anything because I'm afraid it will, like, seep in, and then I'll think I'm, I have an original. thought. Are you a seeping guy? Well, like, Robin Williams is a sleeping guy. Like when your squirrel brain's so bad. Oh, when you're like stream of consciousness.

But I don't see bin. I don't repeat things I heard. No, no, no. But you... I'm stream of consciousness. When you're taking information, you're not focused, so it's all coming in. Right.

So there's no way to know where it came from. Back up and don't accuse me of being a seep in repeat guy. And is absolutely not a joke thief. In fact, there's a comic who stole one of his jokes. But... Oh, yeah. And another comic stole... Look, I'm not going to accuse anyone of stealing.

I think it's parallel thought. Yeah. But there is another comic that came out with like a fucking trans joke that's like very similar to mine. And I got eaten alive and labeled like the world's biggest bigot. And then now they are like, this is how it's done. You are an ally. And I'm like, you and I had a similar trans bit about like, I didn't do mine on the special. It was about the naming the penises different things instead of just calling it a date.

I mean, there are certain things that in life are going to be parallel. Of course. Lots that aren't. Is that the thing that he was doing or no? No, no, no. He, uh, fuck, what was this thing? I'm not going to look it up, but it was very much like, huh, well, what can you do?

Do you think you got it from you or it's just no? No, I think it's just parallel. Oh, yeah. I think there's so much meat on the bone for certain things. It's like, you know. Yeah, like a joke I've heard many times is like, you go to a wedding and the bridesmaids are like, we love this woman so much. She's so amazing.

And then the male talks and he's like, this little. big dick piece of shit. And I'm like every comic that goes to a wedding leave with that bit. Yeah. There goes my closer. How do you think I felt when I had to stop doing the six dirty words you can't say on radio? Dude, I thought I came up with the aristocrats. I really did.

But it was kind of verbatim your bit. And also it is. Which is the bit that was stolen. I don't think it was stolen. It's not stolen. It is parallel thought. And it is an old bit of you. Sometimes things will tell you if it's parallel thought or stolen.

Like if there's a weird thing that's added. from an outside source that there's nothing to do with then you'd be like because I was doing something that someone else was doing as a weird reference I'm like oh no

he just saw the same movie and they go yeah but the thing you're doing is from two different parts and you put them together yeah right right right right I heard a guy I was at the improv

and Jeff Asmus has a joke where he goes oh like it was about mixed race couples and he's like they call it jungle fever you would never hear that about a white guy you'd never hear somebody be like

oh she's got mass shooter madness oh that's great and I literally Literally heard a comic, like me and Jake were looking at each other, heard a comic, get on stage and just go, oh, you're a mixed race couple and do it verbatim. Whoa. And I just immediately damned him and I was like, hey man, that was like word for word. I know you're in another, I know you're across the country, but like, you can't be doing that. I've had to call a comic and be like, hey, what's, what's your glory hole bit?

Because I'm doing a bit. It was like, I got to change my life. Oh, also skydiving. I've heard three skydiving bits now. me, Jamie Wolfe and this kid who hosted for me about how when you skydive you pull the shoe and then you're stuck in a bad hang with this loser on your back.

Okay. So it's like anybody who skydives, who's a comic, is going to come away with that because it's like 40 minutes of just hanging out with some retard on your back. Yeah. Mine was... It sucks.

Mine was about how when I went skydiving, like I told these like massively homophobic jokes to like make us laugh because he's like, it's better to die laugh. and his one joke was like, how do you get a f*** to fuck a woman? You shove shit in her pussy. And then we jumped out of a plane.

And he's vibrating up on me. And I'm like, hey, man, I've had sex with men and women and it didn't have to do with the shit. You're educating him. You're showing him things on your phone. You're like, see this?

I'm like, I think you are gay. Yeah. Because now you just have to hold me for 40 minutes while you're like, I threw the scent off of it up there, didn't I? But now we're alone. Yeah. How horrifying is it to hang like that?

Like skydiving seems terrifying because you jump and then like to me, first of all, you're worried if the shoot's going to open. You've done it, right? Yeah. Yeah. And we did it together. Oh, you both did it? We did it together.

How long is the descent once the shoots open and- It's like two seconds of pure bliss before they pull the shoe because you're just like dropping. Yeah. And it's so fun. It's like on a roller coaster when you're doing that thing. But when they pull the shoe, I fully fainted because I was having intrusive thoughts about unhooking. That is so.

typically you. Yeah. Because everyone else says the first five seconds before you pull the shoot is the most horrific nightmare experience ever. And then when you pull it, it's bliss. You're floating. You take everything in. And in that moment, that's what she was like.

Yeah. And he was like punishing me. Like he was just talking like the most bullshit crap in my ear. And I was like, what if I just unhooked? And then I was like, oh, shit, I think I could unhook. And then I would just free fall. And then I just started thinking about that. And then I just passed out.

There's like a, there's like a two to three. second, when you do pull the shoot because you're tandem, yeah, he, the instructor flies back and you free float and there's that gap between the hook of your equipment. So like they get yanked back, but you're still free falling for like a quick second. And in that split second, you're like, something's wrong. I'm done. I die.

I'm gone. And my guy was so little that I had to land us. Oh, no. He was just on my back and I like put my feet down. He was like, he. And I was like, who's riding? Who's riding? That's so.

Because when we landed, I ran out and was like, we're going to do it again. Yeah. At the same time, you're like, I'm never doing that again. You pulled the camera up to me and I was reduced to a child. You literally like, how was that? And I went, wow. Yeah, yeah. I loved it.

Did you like it? And how long was the whole thing? I like it because it takes something that you're so incredibly afraid of. You were looking death in the eyes. And then you get through and realize every single one of our fears isn't as big as you initially thought. And all you have to do is get through it. But when you jump out of it. of a plane.

First of all, it looks like it's hard to breathe when you're going down because the air is rushing into your face. Oh, dude, your teeth hurt. You're like, but you can breathe. Obviously, you can breathe. You can breathe for those first, the first drop, but you're not breathing away. They tell you, the guys in your ear like breathe, breathes because you're like, oh.

But I say what, it's like 10 minutes? Because you're only 15,000 feet. No, the drive down was 100 years. It was like 25 minutes on the ride down. That's how you feel. It's like if you get in a street fight, you're like, I think I was there for 20 minutes. It's like, in 30 seconds.

No, because I remember him saying something like, we'll be down in 20 minutes and me being like, no way. It was so long. Remember how long we went down and you rode? It could have been. I think the entire experience was like 15 minutes. The drop I could have done forever.

Is it scary when you're just kind of hovering under, like when you're just hanging there and going down? Isn't that terrifying? I like it's so peaceful. I didn't like the dangling. I did like the dropping. You did. Oh, I hate that.

When I knew the parachute was going to be pulled, I like that. But then when we were just going. down and also your adrenaline is kicked up from the drop. But they let you pull the thing and so you yank it and you like turn and you're like I've seen too many videos of fucking guys with helmets where the parachute is just in a circle and it's like and now it's the GoPro and you hear their leg hit the mound and they're like fuck my leg or they're dead yeah I've seen guys die doing that it's very scary. I was really suicidal during that period of time I don't know if I would have done it again

that was like a time where I was like I'll jump out of the airplane I have it motorcycle. I was so fucking depressed that I was just down. We did strap you in. Yeah. While you depressed? It was like probably a breakup and it was like one of, yeah, it was a breakup actually. I was going through the breakup. We were down in Austin for Moontower and that was like the most fun ever.

Yeah, but I was being terrorized by my ex during that time. I remember? Remember? There was like a whole, he was like texting me and I couldn't get out of it. And then I was just like, let me just. No, you cut a lot of that from me. Frightened or just like haxle? No, like terrorizing like we broke up and he would keep being like, hey, just keeping you on the, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bread crumbing. Red crumbing is hovering. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been on both ends of it, yeah. Yeah, and when it makes you feel trapped, you're like, I might as, I feel like I need to die in order to get out of this. Suicidal ideation. Yes.

Yes. Totally. Who doesn't have that? And then when that stopped, I was like, I'm not riding a motorcycle. I value my life. This is insane. I'm afraid of, I knew a guy in, uh, in meetings. years ago who had one he was missing a leg because he was a giant his name was mountain and he had

fucking him and some girl had an accident towering guy and then just a leg down to a motorist a buddy of mine has that oh because it went clean off probably or did so much damage he felt for the one side i owe you a phone call yeah his late he's a fake leg and when we go gambling and we use it to hit the button for like good luck who's the comic who fell through a skylight while fucking jason signs he wasn't fucking he was at a party it was like his second date with a girl. They were kissing on a skylight, fell through, became paralyzed from the waist down. She stayed with him.

They're married now. And she took care of them through the whole thing. A sky. How did they fall through? They were up on a roof. They were, you know, the skylights. Oh, they kind of come up like little. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. They were up on there, probably sitting. This is in L.A. And they were like canoodling. I think they've been dating for like a couple weeks or whatever. But new relationship. And he went through paralyzed.

She stayed with him the whole time. God bless them. and God bless her. That is such a beautiful instance of love and finding your person and staying with them no matter what. If I was with a girl and after three weeks she got bangs, I'd be like, I'd like go. My wife gets paralyzed.

I literally would look down, call 911 and then just leave. Look, she's in the basement. No, but you can still fuck her holes. You know what I mean? It's different with a guy. When a guy gets paralyzed, their dick doesn't work. Some of them work. They can work.

Some of them work. Yeah. Some of them work. And the best position for me is to get ridden. So that's like perfect. Or you could do a police system. Yeah. Don't make that piece.

Sorry. I talk about my sex. Well, I was imagining a limp. Wayne. My friend was paralyzed and I was cranking her up out of her bed once to get her into her chair. And her alarm system started going off.

And I was like, what is going on? And she was like, I don't know. I can't feel anything. And I was sawing her in half because there was like a seat belt on the bed. And I was lifting her out of the bed. Oh, and you're like, damn it. And I was like, dude, I was like putting my phone.

Dude, I was like putting my foot on the crank and be like, come on, this fucking thing. And she was like, I don't know what's going. Oh, there's an alarm. You're pushing a pussy through the mat. Oh, so if there's somebody who's doing something, it kind of beeps to let you know, hey. Yeah, the amount of times that it would just start beeping

and it would turn out that, like, she was like, you were joking. But if, if something happened with your wife, you would take care of. Like, because I want to find someone. Depend on what. It would depend on what. Yeah. What if she? I want to find.

someone that if they were to be paralyzed it would be an honor to take care of them. I just, no one who I'm going to push around in a chair with a shit bag hanging off. Like their poopy butts? Someone I love so much that I'm like, hey, there's no one. There's no one. Maybe Ozzy I would have pushed around. I love Ozzy.

I would have pushed Ozzy with a shit bag, but my wife. What about Gene Simmons? Yeah, anybody in Kiss. Anybody in Sabbath their kids. As far as my wife. Even Peter Chris? A hundred percent. Yeah, yeah. I mean, come on. Beth was one of the biggest hits the band had. Yeah, my wife, I would, it would be a rough go. I don't know if I'm built to be a caretaker.

What if the only thing that got paralyzed was her mouth, that would be a blessing, right? Well, except for certain things. Oh, yeah, true. No, you love a good slack job, low job. I get her. I did it for Helene who got paralyzed. My friend, I became a caretaker for her, but I brought somebody in for the poop stuff. Oh, you couldn't handle the shit, yeah.

I was a caretaker for my grandfather when he was, when we took him on. from hospice. I did the poop stuff. I saved he was choking on food. I say I did that. I screwed food out of his mouth. It was crazy. I don't,

I guess I could do it if I had to, but I mean, I can't picture myself being that. I get close to out. You'd hire somebody. You'd hire a nice lady. Okay. Let's do an imprep scene.

Okay. Scene. Jim, I'm your wife. Oh, I'm paralyzed. Take care of me. Oh, I'm going to miss you. Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Just, just, just, just, pet the rabbits,

George. Yeah, I don't know if I'm cut out. Are you in love with this guy? I didn't know you were seeing somebody. Oh, wow. I have no idea. I'm very late to this. It could be a two-week dating

or you might be with him for six months. I don't know. Three weeks. Oh, it's due. Okay, so you're not in love yet. You like them. Yeah. Yeah, right.

Totally. Oh. No, you're done. You're in. You're in. You're in. Of course. Totally.

Okay, good. That's nice. It's been a while, right? Since you've had, Since you've had that. She just needs to be with some of the treats are nice. And then that's all the matters. I am having trouble with a version of that.

Yes, of course. I am thrashing a bit. Of course. Are you? It's nice to me. I'm like, what? You're just a fault.

You don't know shit about shit. But that's a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Yes. Is he the type of guy? Because I remember you talked about you like those certain like farm guy, like a guy who's a man's man. Like you prefer that to like some twinky fucking writer. He's, um, what? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He's a blue. Collar guy, but he's like highly educated. Okay, but you like the blue collar. Yeah, yeah. And we talked about that one time. I am now fully blue collar.

Like with him, like I am fully retarded. And it is crazy. Compared to him, I am now like a full hick. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, the shit that I say is like, like I can't. Oh, because he's smarter than he. He's so much smarter than me.

He's like the general population. Yeah, yeah. Like, I can't believe the shit that. Like, I'll be like, I have to let the dog. Very well read. He's like an incredibly intelligent guy. I've known a few years. He's fantastic.

Oh, you do? All right, good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a little intimidating. And he's, like, huge, and he's really attractive, and he speaks a million languages. And I'm, like, fully don't. That's one of the thing. I really want to learn.

That's perfect for you. I really want to learn. What's the native language of Thailand? I don't know, but I'm going there for the first time. See, that's the shit. And I'm worried about it. Really? Are you going with your wife?

You're going alone? I mean, do you need a friend? I wouldn't take my wife there. if it would save her life. I'm paralyzed, Jim. The only thing that will fix me is if we go to Thailand. I'll bring you medicine back, my love. No, I'm on the road.

I'm going with Louis. I'm doing, I'm leaving the country for like six weeks. I've never done that before. India, Turkey, Greece. Athens, yeah, we're also doing Thailand. India for the, Thailand and Tokyo and Hong Kong.

But Thailand, I'm like, I'm going to be a good boy. I behave myself now. I am. You're not going to be a good boy. No, you are. You'd be surprised. Is it just you and Louis? Well, I mean, and openers and tour manager.

Yeah. You're going to fuck him. No, he's going to be great. You're going to be great. I'd be nervous about going out and catching something. And I don't even mean sex. I mean, like, just like fucking typhoid or whatever they have in Thailand. Like I'm always some mosquito shit.

Or feelings. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was saying this to you earlier, but I have gone the route of getting ladies of the night and it led to nothing but absolute darkness. Oh yeah. Self hatred, emptiness.

And it was not a good idea. They kind of like stay your, or your girlfriend for a week or something, which is nice. No, I did that with one gal and then she came back again and it was just not the same. And then I just did it with sex workers to have sex. And that was terrible and empty and awful. And don't do it.

Don't do it. You have something good, Jim. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I don't want to. But it's one of those things where, like, no matter what you're, I'm self-destructive. Of course. And I'm a fucking, I'm a dopamine addict.

That's why I got fat because I can't stop fucking eating. Little piggy boy. Looks good on you. It looks disgusting on me. I'm finally back on my no-carb diet. Grow a beard. No, I can't. No, I can't.

No, I can't. I mean, my boyish good looks. But no, I don't want to, I don't want to fuck up. I'm only going to be in Thailand for like four or five days. It's not like we're going to be there for two weeks. We're going to be eight for three weeks. See, that's my end goal plan to make all my money, move to Thailand, marry a lady boy, and then blow my head off. You're saying that right now.

Yeah, that's not a good plan. I've said this before. Listen, the way to avoid doing bad shit for me is I go, it's so mundane and it's so banal. And it's what every fucking retard jock bro does when they come to Thailand is they fuck a lady boy. So I'm so bad. This is how I have to trick myself where I'm like, I'm so different and cool and alt. Yeah.

I'm not going to do it. Because if I do like, I'm going to be a good girl. No, I'd be a bad girl. But I can't, I can't not get a lady boy just to show the jocks who's boss because it would be fun to do. Yeah.

Show the who's who's boss? The jocks. She said the jocks go there. Like, you know how sometimes when you're like, I could drink, but like everybody drinks and it's so gay, how many people fucking drink and I'm going to be the person who doesn't.

Like, that's an easier way than look at it than me like, I'm going to be pious and good. Yeah. No, I wouldn't, I just wouldn't do. I would feel too bad about it.

Like, I know I would feel bad. Like, I would feel too guilty. And it's like, if she's not doing it, and she easily could do it because she gets hit up all the time. Yeah. So if she's literally loyal to a fucking fat blinking turtle. You guys are fully in an eye.

Woo! How dare me think of anything else? Yeah, but you guys are so cute together. I think that's great. I want that. That's amazing. Yeah, it's like any other marriage. The challenges and stuff in the house.

You know, why is the clothes, it's the bullshit every couple. Has the dog gotten better? The dog, by getting better, do you mean, does he shit on the rug more? Yes, he's improved a great deal. Our rug is now being cleaned. We don't even have a rug because between her and the dog, she spills coffee. I thought she shits on the rug. She shits on the rug.

The dog is now douching and she's not. I don't get it. He's better than he was, but he still has accidents. But he's improved a little bit. The little ones just do it. They just do it, right? They just go. Poorly behaved.

Yeah, they don't think of themselves as dogs. Cats don't do it. Cats don't do it. Cats don't do that. They have the decency to shit in a box and not on a carpet. If I could have a cat and breathe properly, I would have a cat too. I love cats, but I just can't. Fellas, it's time to level up your dick game.

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yeah there's no insulation i'm gonna shit in here yeah but my dog says the same thing if he sees a window yeah yeah we're outside now even though it's in the same living room he sleeps in all the time yeah he likes to shit on the rug a lot so this is a six week tour yes six weeks. I've never left the city for that long. I've never... But I mean, again, it'll be fun to do, and it's stressful because I'm so stressed

to imagine the packing. You know... No, because they'll do laundry. We'll do some laundry. I was even thinking I'm only going with carry-on, but I'm like, no, I think I got to bring extra just for the little things you're going to need over there that you can't buy it.

No, my friends do when they tour? It's going to be easy to, like... You know what I mean? It's not like, if I went on tour, I'd bring a giant bag. It's like every time I'm going to the airport and doing a thing, but he probably will just... just have somebody who takes it. You know what my friends do that are in Banzza tour on their rider,

each venue they have them supply them with socks and underwear so that they don't have to do that. I don't like new socks and underwear. I have to wash them first. Really? I have to wash them first. That is the best thing I ever heard. Yeah. Well, that's smart.

Smart. I like new socks and underwear. It feels like a new beginning. Yeah. I love new socks. You crack the pack. You pull little plastic out. You put it on.

Yes. New socks are one thing. but new underpants will not do. They have to be washed. And I have to be a very, I have a particular type of underwear. I can't just wear any underwear. Yeah.

I just throw them on. You mean a particular brand or a particular style? Brand. Okay. And style. It has to be black bikini. Yeah, you don't seem like a thong person to me. You seem like a...

Ew. That's disgusting. I would poop all over them. Yeah. I did a crate. Do you want to hear my poop story? No. I do.

Okay. You've been outvoted. Okay. I had the flu and I had the flu. and I had to function, so I took like four shots of espresso, and then I went on a walk with my dog, and then I had to shit so bad, and I went into the bathroom at the park and exploded,

and then there was no toilet paper. Sock? How'd you do it? Okay, I didn't know about the sock thing, but I didn't even think of it. You're wearing toilet paper on your foot. No, I reached into the industrial thing, pulled out the cardboard, wet the cardboard,

made a soppy wet thing, use that to wipe my ass, then left the shitter, and Bradley Cooper had posted that thing on Rogan, saying that I was Lady Gaga and that I was really smart while there was poop, crusted in my back. Isn't that crazy? I was like, wow, goddamn. You're purchasing adult diapers.

He's like, what a lady. Totally. Isn't that kind of smart, though, that I made a little mom? You. It is. But I'm surprised you didn't. One time my friend and I were going to steal comic books I was wearing satin shorts, and I had to shit.

I shit outdoors, and I was shitting by a yellow jacket's nest, which I didn't realize because they were buzzing in between my legs. So I fucking... Oh my God. I had no idea where I was. So I took my underpants off and wiped my ass with my underwear. Yeah, that's way better idea. I didn't think of that, which is so crazy.

I was in a panic. I shit myself in Oklahoma City on a street called Gay Lord Avenue. And I had to waddle and evacuate my boughs behind a chase bank on a pile of rocks, leave my underwear, waddle back. to my hotel and wash my shorts and shoe in the hotel sink. Ew, ew, ew. Well, you do in Oklahoma, it's doing a gig? Yeah.

Oh. I, usually my routine is I wake up and I walk to like an AA meeting and then I walk back. And so I was walking back. And then I just got done making a video to send my group chat to go and like, hey, I just saw where you guys are from. Gay Lord Avenue. And then right when I hit stop, I shit myself. The Lord said, quiet boy. He's a quiet, gay lord.

So wait, oh, you didn't even come on. You all of a sudden you're like, one minute, you're fine, then you're like, wow, I'm shitting. Well, a part of me, a part of me was like, I should probably get back soon. And then I don't know what happened. It just was. Can I say the feeling of having a panic attack and then realizing it's just explosive

diarrhea is so nice to me? Like, when you start sweating, you're like, my heart is racing. I feel really weird. And you're like, man, am I like panicking about something? And then you explode shit and you're like, I'm good. That's it. My body was trying to warn me.

Yeah. God, I love that feeling. Isn't that what a panic attack is? No, a panic attack is. But instead of you're evacuating your boughs, it's like an emotional shit where it's just like, I've got to explode emotionally. Yeah, but sometimes it's never to get over it. And sometimes it's not a poop that you need.

Sometimes you need like a full like meditative session. You need to pop a Xanax. You need to take a nap. You need to like faint just so you can end it or something. But when it's a diarrhea and you're like, Oh, my body was just like trying to get up enough adrenaline to evacuate. Yeah, yeah, you get everything out so I could continue with the day. Exactly, yeah.

Do you take a beta blocker? I want to take a beta blocker. I know. I'm worried that I would walk into traffic, but yeah, I do want to try one. Can I have relatively low blood pressure? So I'm like, are they bad for you? Like, well, I get too lightheaded, but I really want to try one. Yeah, I think so bad with like bono pills.

What's that? Aren't beta bockers bad with like Viagra or Blue Choo? What do you mean? Like, they kill your dick? For blood. No, no, no, for your blood flow. Oh, I don't know. I haven't taken a dick pill in a long time.

Nice. Well, look who's a big man. No, it's because I'm married. I'm not, I would go into situations and just take a dick pill not knowing what was going to. I probably could take one, but I just, I haven't. It's been a year since I've taken a thing. Right. A dick pill is good for when you're like, I'm going to need to get hard even if this bitch does some whack shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I'm on antidepressant, so I have a hard time. Oh, you do. You know, which sucks. So then I got to take dick pills. And then when I'm like, I've lowered my dosage, which is great. but now I'm in my head of like, well, fuck, what if I'm so used to the dick pills doesn't work?

And so then I'm just going to take them, Bluchu, promo code scoff. You have to be with a woman that you go, hey, I'm on end of prescence. I'm not sure if this is going to work. Oh, I do. I do. I tell them.

Yeah, but the dick pill doesn't, I don't like the feeling of the dick. Well, I'm a difference. It makes you. It's so weird. It's like if you just were like a doughy man and then you just had a broomstick pointed at me. I'd be like, oh, that's like a detached object.

Yeah. as it makes, and you're just like... But it's still better than fucking, you know, like something with a texture of a baby's hand. But I'd prefer that than an artificial cock. Yeah. Because I'd prefer to do... Yeah, I'd prefer that we just like hang out

and wait until your dick is ready than you just like plow ahead with this fake sword that it's impaling me. I'll take the fake sword, but I get what you're saying. Because as a guy, it's hard to just go. Let's wait until the erection is ready. Yeah, we panic and it gets worse.

Oh, of course. So the woman never takes a person. They never. What's wrong with me? I've heard that so many times. What's wrong? What's wrong? Is everything all right?

And it's like, well, this isn't helping. Yeah. Are you really not getting hard right now? Yeah, I'm really not getting hard right now. Have you had that happen? Yeah. That's bad. I know.

Even when you go, look, here's the situation. Yeah. Oh, poppy. That's embarrassing. Does you get bigger? It's not fully activated, all right? It's very embarrassing. Make it come out.

Yeah, yeah. Make it be. Mine's bigger than yours. Oh, congrats, Gabriella. Have you ever had it happen to a guy? Are you understanding about it? Totally. Really?

It happens me all the time. See, I would have thought you'd be, like, annoyed. No, I mean, with me, it's like, I am like, if we're having sex, you have to be pretty confident in your masculinity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you're not, it's going to happen. You're going to be like, I don't know, I just feel it. Because literally minutes leading up to sex, I'm not. gassing you up. I'm being like, and this is stupid about this thing, and I have these thoughts

about this thing, and I'm deconstructing this thing in my mind, and then they're like, I guess we'll just have sex where you safely don't think something shitty about my dick. And I'm like, no, I'm going to be assessing your dick the entire. You know what I mean? Like, it is scary. I'm not like being like, bring that cock over here. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, when you have sex with an analytical person who's also scary, there's nothing scarier than being like, I'm going to pull my dick out in front of a critic. Yeah, that's a great point. Yeah. Yeah, but it's the only time you shut up.

I can't imagine. I don't shut up. I don't shut up. I'm talking the whole time. I can't have fun in games when I'm having sex. No laughter. It's like being on stage. I can't have it.

I'm slinging bits the whole time. Oh, I don't like it. I don't like jokes. I don't like fucking. I'm putting my ear up to your pussy going, I can hear the ocean. I don't like, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I do have a thing where I go full Midwestern. What's that? If I'm overwhelmed by the sex, I go full Midwestern where I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, geez.

Okay. All right, well, Mr. Golly. It's crazy. You Francis McDormand? Yeah, immediately. It's really weird. And the guy's like, why don't we take care of this in Brainerd? Yeah.

I don't know what that is. Yeah. Or and then after sex, I'll be like, geez, Louise. I'm like, who is this person? Oh, I give a geez, Louise. Dude, oh my God. So I have a ring cam for my cats and there's actual, I think I saved the video. There's ring camp footage of me with a boner pill cock afterwards going to my fridge going,

What am I doing? Oh my God, that's so sick. And then I shut the door and with a boner, I turned towards the sink. I go, want to smoke a cigarette in bed? It's like, just like, that's what brings me joy. You should post that online. No, not with my fucking boner.

Well, you beep it out. I guess, but. Yeah, you cover it. There's not a, there's not a censor big enough. Oh, I understand. Put two circles together. That's so funny. A cat ring cam of you going,

What am I doing? Yeah, what am I doing? Well, I'm just looking for food. Would you get somebody in bed waiting? Uh-huh. Oh, it's such a bad feeling. When you're not connected to the person, you have to go in there and just service them.

I know. That's why I don't want to do that anymore. And I'm not. Connection only. Connection only. Have you had any connections? Yes. Really?

Connection. Yes. It was nice. No, I don't need to talk about my sex life publicly anymore. That's, I can you please? I would like, like, why don't you go on? on a dating app. Like, like, and that sounds like old man advice.

I'm, I'm off dating apps. I'm off porn. I only masturbate if it's to thoughts. I've jerked off once since like Christmas. Yeah. And I'm feeling good about it. And I'm not scrolling dating apps or trying to hook up or anything. So I'm feeling very good.

New Year, new me. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard not to watch porn. Yeah. It's hard not to watch porn. That's a, really hard.

Yeah. Why do you guys have such hard time with that? Because you, it's just, it's there. It's every boy's dream to have access to it at all times. Yeah. Like, especially at my age, like, I remember my whole life without that. And now all of a sudden there's this thing you're carrying that we're, it's always there. It's insane.

It's always there. I wonder what the old people I like are up to. Do you understand? I used to have to fucking walk. I used to walk to write aid when I lived in North Brunswick when I was 12, 14, and rent a VCR and rent three pornoes and walk a mile home. Rent of VCR. We didn't have one.

Just put it in a shopping cart. I would carry a VCR home. Just a comb-coded VCR. Yes. Can I have this for the night? And three tapes. Right, they rented pornos. And you would go into the,

they had a booklet with all the covers. And you would rent three porn was your maximum allowed. And I would carry them back home when my parents were. We had to share VHS tapes like the Stanley Cup. Yeah. Like one person would happen for a week or two. And then the other person for a week or two. And then one person would say that they lost it, but they didn't.

Yeah, they just want to keep it. Yeah. I had, I tried to write a bit about it, but I have, like, jealousy around porn. Like, if the guy I'm dating watches porn, I get angry. Really? I don't say anything, but I can feel it. And then I was like, it is better, like, if they saw what I'm thinking about, it would be way more of a betrayal.

Like, they're, like, looking at a woman who they'll never get. I'm, like, imagining their father cooking, me blowing their father. You know what I mean? Like, the shit I'm picturing is fucked up. Yeah, far worse. When I'm with someone, I use the porn to, like, fantasize. And then right before I come, I play mental. images of the person I'm with.

Yeah, you guys are just dumber than us. Like, I can just play out an entire thing of me fucking the person I like. Whereas you guys are like, oh. No, but that's what I'm doing now because I'm not looking at porn. I'm using thoughts again. I'm old school. But I'm dirty, though. Even with, in being a relationship or life or in love, I need some dirty interaction.

Like, love is never going to turn me on. I mean, I can be very loving, but not when my dick is hard. There's separate things from me. Yeah. They're two different rooms. I don't want to do with her when your dick is hard. You get your sick-o mode. You go gross.

No, not gross, but just, it's just not... You're never like eye contact, I love you. Not in that situation. But I do eye contact, I love you in life, and other times, but not during sex. She's much more healthier than I am. She's tactile. She doesn't need porn. She doesn't need...

I mean, she'll look at videos once in a while, but she doesn't need fantasies or darkness. She's just a tactile if it feels good, we do it. Like, with me, I need bells and whistles, because, you know, it's a lifetime. of build up in craziness and it's just tactile doesn't do it for me. Yeah. In addition to other stuff I need. I do have an image of Nikki just pulling out literal bells and whistles

just in your face and you're like come, can you please come? Just a side whistle and you're like, all right. Let's get this fucking over with. She's just a gong near your head and you're like, yeah. Yeah, but it is kind of you know, it's like any other relationship I've been in. You just, you know, you fucking

your mind is what really kind of get through it. The older I get, the more I have to be centered and focused in my mind. And also, I can't come standing up. I think it's a blood flow issue. No, you're not supposed to come standing up. It's very hard. It's really, really hard. Even in a booth jerking off, I would always like, my legs were always stiff. I would collapse against the fucking back of the wall. I got to put my foot on the stool just like, alright, hold on, let me finish. You know?

The shower, I never jerk off in the shower. I can't do the shower. Never. Exclusively jerk off in the shower. Do you really? Standing? Yep. I don't know why. It's the only time I'm clean enough to touch my own body, I think. Do you use anything or just you just you?

Like coconut oil? Which I'm using to clean myself also. No, no, like a toy or your hands? My hands. Wait, you eat coconut oil instead of soap? Yeah. Soap is bad for your pee hole. Is it?

Yeah. Antimicrobial is coconut to oil. It's good. Helps everything. pH balance. Really? Yeah. I was jerking off with this guy and he was very like verbal.

Like, yeah. Are you jerking that fat dick? And I was like, uh-huh. And he goes, your ball's sweating. I was like, yeah. And he goes, is that butthole winking? I was like, buddy, you got to stop. It was, I was like, dude, whatever you need to do to get off, just zip it and keep it up here.

But the worst terminology is that butt hole winking. Dude, I was like, you got to be shit. Me brother. Who is it? Gene Hackman? Sounds like a veterinarian. Her butthole is winking. Yeah, yeah.

That's a good sign. Did you tell him to shut up? I was like, yo, man, you're gonna stop. Yeah. I just got into Dirty Talk, so I'm so bad at it.

Oh, I do like it. But I'm, I'm new. Is he good at it, though? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I'm not good at it. So it's a lot of me being like,

yeah, uh, uh, totally. Yeah. Sometimes I'm hard of hearing it and I have to go, what did you say?

Yeah. What? That really takes a out. The sexy thing with dirty talk. If someone, if there's got to be based in some kind of honesty in what's really happening.

And something kind of dirty. Like, it's not just, oh, God, caught. Like, it's not just the big words. It's the tone of it. And what you're doing and how you're feeling. Yeah. My ex would dirty text me, and she was a very good dirty text her. And she understood tone.

It's like you put somebody into like a fucking dizzy headspace being so perverted. That's what would get me going. But somebody just saying like, you know, oh, yeah, fuck me. Oh, God. Yeah. You know. Yeah. It does nothing.

tiring and I know they don't mean it how could you I know what's happening here yeah I mean I see the I see the average performance you're getting yeah dude one time I this this girl years and years ago anytime I would just enter she'd be like yeah and one time I was having sex with her and I said you're acting the oxsters are next week yeah my thing is my natural dirty talk is really cruel like what like just being you or to him to them to be Like what? Like, fuck you, like saying mean stuff.

So I have to pivot in my head away from that. Because that's what my brain is being like, you, fuck you, you piece of shit. Like, take the, you know what I mean? Yeah. But what do you want him to say in response? Like, no, fuck you. Like, shut the fuck up. Well, then you could do that.

And there's a lot of permission thing I'm into. Like, am I allowed to do this? Like, it's a very daddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I have to like. The daddy thing can be hot, but it is getting to a level where I can. We can't. We can't help it. It's actually a huge issue and I agree with you, but we can not stop. Yeah, yeah. But it's like, it's like, I like totally agree with you.

I was with a girl and then afterwards she was still doing Daddy and was like, Daddy, can we go to sleep? And I was like, Daddy, you're going to wake me up in the morning so I can go to work? And I was like, you're going to go, what, what, what? It's literally all we want. Yeah. I'm actually, I'll tell you what I want pop pop. I want. I'm more father. Yeah, dad If I was allowed to say father

Be done I can handle that Not from my wife Because it's not her nature And I know her dad It would just be weird Like I'd it's not her But I've been with people

Who are into that It's fine It's like knowing how the sausage is made It doesn't taste as good Because if you know That earlier in the day She was on the phone Like I fucking hate you

To her dad And then you're having sex And she's like Can I come for daddy Can I? And you're like It's a permission thing It's like a feeling

feeling of like you're you're being owned and it's like I'll be why when I go can I come for mommy the girl's like you need to see a doctor some women would like that though I've been with a few that were mommy stuff yeah you can find them I mean you just got to call me yeah you can find mommy stuff mommy girls especially if you have it yeah I know I was thinking about how unfair it is for men because for women to have the dynamic like every woman in a relationship is searching for the parent child dynamic like they are being like I would like to have a paternal figure basically be the boss of me. And any,

like so many women feel that way, but when men are like, when men find a woman that's like their mother. Yeah. It is like, oh, you're a weak little bitch

who can't do your own laundry. And they don't have the same because they can't be like, I want a daughter figure. That's disgusting. Right. You know what I mean? So it's like,

what are you guys allowed to have? Just like a consensual partner. Can I come in your mouth, me ma'am? Yeah. Yeah. Mammy? Man, pappy.

Let me come on your tits, me ma'all. Can I come for gam gam? It can be sexy, though. It's so perverse that it's sexy. You know what I mean? Even if it's not like my thing. Yeah.

The fact that if it's someone, sometimes I'm turned on, if it's a woman's thing, then I'm like, it's dirty that she likes that. So that's what's turning me on. It's like she likes something so inappropriate, even though it's not my thing,

but I don't care. Well, I have this dirty door that I'm leaving shut and I'm like, if I crack that motherfucker, it's going to be terrifying. You'll crack it. It'll be fun too.

Oh, yeah. I haven't. I've, like, looked inside, I'm like, oh, yeah, right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the door in Beetlejuice. You just open it and all these snakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or like the door in your house. Is it all daddy stuff? Is that it? I think it's daddy stuff. I think it's abuse stuff. I think it's really just like, you're nothing kind of shit. Both ways.

I could go both ways. I could dominate or be, but it's awesome. That's perfect. I know, but I think it's, yeah, yeah. No, it's great. It's scary to open it, though. Well, I think what's important is if you open it, you talk about it later because I've done that stuff and then we don't talk about it. And then I'm just like, what the fuck is happening?

And it really like gets in the way. Or I like to be soothed and I like to be like told it's okay and like very like treated like nicely. And then with my ex, she would like talk the same way to our cats. And I was like, you got to separate the two. Because the same way you're talking to the cat. I'm hearing. You're so beautiful. It was so pathetic.

I was like, I need to know you love me more than the cats. I was like, this is, I'm going to change some shit. No, it's, but once you open that door, it can be really fun. I talk about it beforehand, though, like, not in the moment. Like, if I'm with a girl in bed and all of a sudden, you don't want to talk about spanking when you're both naked. It's not sexy. How do you bring it up before? Just that conversation.

Say what gets you off? What do you like? What can I do to help get you there? Yeah, but then don't do right into it. It has to be when you're going into something during. it's intuitive and both people kind of understand what it is as opposed to. Is it okay if I spank you? It should be like talked about before casually when you're having dinner a week, you know, just in the air.

So you both kind of know when it's happening. Right. That's what I've run into before, like problems with somebody you don't know. Then it's just weird. Well, I was with a gal and I like slapped her ass and she's like, I don't like that. And I go, I don't either. I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I hate a hard slap.

I don't like it. Some people like it. Some people do. Yeah, I'm sorry, and I can't get a good rhythm on it. I think I just hit you with the fingers. I feel terrible. Yeah, I hit upper back. I hit bone.

I hit bone. I pumped your coxics. I thought I pumped your coxies. Oh, did I hurt your sacrum? Oh, shit. Yeah, we've all been there. That's embarrassing. A misstep.

Oh, yeah. Those have to be handled very delicately. Yeah. Well, that's why, like, a connection is so much better because you feel comfortable. with the person rather than just like, you know, the emptiness of what it is. Anybody who judges you sexually, you have to dump them because you can't live with, because I'll just hate them.

Like, I've had that where I've actually left people for like, not that they're not into the same thing, but their attitude about what I like is a little shitty. I'm like, fuck yourself. Oh, yeah, I know what you're fantasizing about. Oh, dude, I, yeah, I had an ex. It was like, I don't want to hear about that part of your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

you being into trans women or being with men, do not bring it up to me, talk to someone else about it. I don't. And I was like, uh, it's like a big part of who I am. And it's not that you have to talk to her about it, but you don't want to be told like, no, it's a no-go. It's like, you don't have to, yeah, and it's annoying. Or if you say something in bed and they're like, what did you say?

Like, they like do a record scratch. I'm like, bro, just talk about this later. Don't record scratch in the middle of sex. Yes, exactly. I said I want to be a toilet. Do you have to piss? Yeah. Let's move forward.

Yeah. Let it go. Bring it up later. Oh, for Pete's sake, don't make a whole thing out of it. That's so funny. I think it'll be fine in Thailand, though. I don't know. I think so, too, I won't fuck up there.

It's too obvious. Have you fucked up before with her? Not with Nikki. No, I've been really good with Nicky. I mean, I watch porn, and it's hard not to. But no. I have in every other relationship. This is the only one.

What do you think is different about this? I'm married. And it's like, I love her. And it would like, I'm like, if I blow this, if we don't work, it has to be because we don't work. But even prior to marriage. Yeah, I was good. I was good. I was good.

I knew that she was like, this thing with her was different than anybody else I had been with. And I'm like, if I blow this, it has to be because we don't get along. Not because I fucking do the same pattern. I've been doing 50 years. Yeah. Right. Like, it has to be because we just don't like each other. Like, I can live with that.

Like if we got divorced now, I don't, I would be suck, but I could live with it if it wasn't me blowing it with a fucking hook or something. Right, right, right, right. Wow. You know what I mean? Because then you feel like, again, I did it. And I'll never know if this was the right one and I ruined it. Yeah. No, but that's awesome to finally meet someone that makes you want to have this be different.

To not have it be the same repeated pattern over and over. Were you working on that separately or was it just something that came up and it was different with hers? That's like a goal of yours. going into this. I think I was ready for a relationship. I was like, I was in my 50s. I was like, I think I'm ready for like a real... Are you with Alan?

What's that? You go to Alan? No, I would never go to Alan. Not that he's bad. Not that he's bad, but he knows all the comics. Thank you. I saw his wife for a while, but she's very nice and she was great. But then I changed.

That is some sort of hip violation for one guy to know all that about... But he doesn't... I'm sure he doesn't tell people things. I'm sure that nobody knows, but I just don't want... And I've never had an opportunity to see him, but I wouldn't want to talk to somebody that knows other people that I know. It's so helpful for me to be able to be like, they didn't get spots or, you know.

Yeah, he understands comics, I'm sure. And he understands the type of self-loathing narcissism that we all carry around. Like, he's very well steeped in that. And it is nice to be able to literally be like, you know, to be able to be like, this comic is in a loving relationship and they're doing it really, you know,

like, and just use people's names. Yeah, yeah. He knows about them and he's like, yeah. But he doesn't ever talk about them. He'll never. And I've watched him just be like, move off of it very quickly. Of course.

But it's nice to have like a reference and be like, this person is like me and they're married, you know. I also, I had another male therapist. I tend to like female therapist better. Yeah, I think it goes with genders. Me too, but I switch to male and it's been better than ever. Why? I don't know, because I got out of my comfort zone.

And I think I always gravitate towards women. No, he's, he's not hard on me. He stops and goes, hey, can you just like take a second to repeat that and hear how you're talking about yourself. And I'm like, whoa. And I didn't think I was getting that as much prior. But I don't know. I've always had a hard time opening up to men.

I've always gravitated towards women. Even with my friendships and everything. And so having a male therapist is kind of really, it's got me out of my comfort zone in a good way. Yeah. The last guy I had was very good. I mean, he was really, but he was just, then COVID came.

I mean, he wanted everybody to get tested, so I just stopped. Yeah. But he was phenomenal. Caught me on an auto of my shit, my nonsense. No, I think that's important. And expensive. Yeah. Yeah, it's very expensive.

It's like, fuck. Yeah. What am I doing? Then it becomes the same thing every week. Like, we're like, um, uh, and I could have that with a friend. Yeah. It becomes like catch up. Yeah.

I think that's when you're done. Maybe. But then I've, I've gotten to a thing where it's like, you know, in order to change some of these patterns with dating, we have to address the things that happen in your childhood. and then it's like, I'll be having a great week. Things are great. And I'm like, I don't know if I want to go back to this mental space of like drudging up these things. Right.

And then, okay, see you later. And then now I have to sit with it. I'm like, I think I'd be better off just keeping it locked away. Well, the worst is like, I hate the way Hollywood portrays therapy relationships with patients. Like the therapist is so ingrained that the kid shows up in the rain one night crying. And they're like, what is it? Have you had the breakthrough? And they hug.

And it's like, that's not it. It's like, I'll see you Tuesday. Yeah. That's how it is. It's not ordinary people or Goodwill hunting. Those are not real fucking relationships. You've seen ordinary people with Judd Hirsch and fucking Timothy Hutton. It's this deep relationship.

And it's like, I've never had that with a therapist. Yeah, no. It's someone you're paying the cosign all your... Yes. The sponsor thing is easier for me when it's like, I'm going to have a four-hour conversation with you when I need it and then a two-minute check-in when I need it. Yes. And there are people who are in the same boat.

And it's like literally, it's like they're doing it because it kind of does save their own life, a sponsor. It's a different mentality. I've been sponsored your guy and it is quite the undertaking of just yeah all of the like being available for phone calls and everything it's like oh shit I used to do this

to people yeah yeah fuck I think I owe my old sponsor an amends just how insane I was I haven't sponsored anybody in a long time and I know it probably would be helpful just a self-s that really really helped me out a lot going back to meetings and everything that really, really, really helped. Yeah, and you'll be on the road with Louis, who's SLAA guy.

Yeah, he's, and we have been on the road, yeah. And he's great. That's like the most helpful thing. It's very comfortable to be on the road together. It's really hard when I go on the road with people who are like, I'm going to go get fucked up. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to go. That's why my opener, shout up, Patrick. He's the best.

We go to meetings together. Yeah. I think he's like 17 years sober. Okay. It's fantastic. How long are you sober, Jordan? I have to be in that environment. I'm a weird, so I'm a sex and love addict.

Oh, okay. And then I'm, uh, I don't drink just because I never had a big problem, but it's just, it's just like an anesthetizing thing that I don't need to do. And I had a problem with Coke. And I stopped doing Coke in like 2021. And I stopped drinking probably two years ago or something. No, you stopped before that, but then you drank in Italy. Yeah, I had one glass of wine in Italy. Yeah.

And I was like, this feels like shit. What was I said you smoked weed? I don't smoke weed. I mean, literally, I did skanks last night and got a contact high and was just felt so bad. Yeah. But I'll do like, I won't do it. It's been years since I've done mushrooms, but I'm not against, like, microdose. Right, right, right.

But, yeah, my sobriety is way more, like, around sex and love addiction. And the alcohol thing just leads to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything leads to that. Yep. And, like, any drugs I do leads to me just, like, going back into some, like, delusional fantasy. Oh, yeah. But yeah.

So it is, but I am like susceptible because I'm not like a strict AA person. Like when somebody, when somebody's like, just do a bump of Coke. There is always a part of me.

It's like, well, I'm not like technically on the clock, right? You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't have a Coke sponsor. So I do have to like

be really diligent about just like removing myself from those. I didn't, I didn't thought about a drink in a while and I acted out. sexually with some escorts and it was shame

like led me back to like I had thought about a drink and I was having all these drug drinks these alcohol drinks and just like what if I just got a hotel room and just fucking did it and then it was like no just kill you and then those suicidal thoughts and so like getting out of that fucking sucks but getting out of it felt really good finally

yeah it is weird how those things all of a sudden And I'm like, I'm going to go to Home Depot and find a ladder. And I'm going to find a nice rope. Something that would be comfortable and not embrace it. Run a gun and buy a bullet. What's cheaper? Yeah, it's silly how one always leads to that, like when I'm going down for the wrong reasons. We were talking before about like before the podcast about escorts and stuff.

And sure, I missed the craziness of the life. Because it was fun. But it was also chaotic and unhappy and I was depressed and fucking lonely. Like you have to remember that. Because then I'll blow my marriage and go, what the fuck am I doing? I love being married. That's what scares me. It scares me to blow it for something stupid like that.

It's like playing the tape through. The same way you have to think about a drink. You have to think about it with those behaviors. Yeah. And I very much have an issue with those behaviors. And I gave into it in a way of like, no, I trick myself to be like, treat yourself. Get a prostitute and treat yourself.

And I did. And then it just like put me on the spiral that was like, do it again to make this feeling of pain go away. And then do it again because that was bad. And this one will be better. And it was like the same fucking way with drinking. And it was, it was, and I had to be, be honest with a couple people in my circle and be like, this is what's going on. This is what I've been doing.

And it really sucked. And I, thankfully didn't drink or anything over it, but I was in like a bad fucking way. It gets expensive. It's so expensive. Very pricey. Yeah. And then they tell you, they'll give you the girlfriend experience for a while. And then, oh, what do you know?

The hour's up and your hour is 45 minutes. It's not 60. What is the lure of it? It's that you can do anything. Well, no. I mean, I've always always pretty basic with the hookers. It was never, for me, it was never like, I don't want to try what it's like to see what hit a girl on the symbol.

It was never that. I'm sorry. Just between those big monkey things. No, it was never weird stuff like that. She shows up. He's dressed up like he's in a marching band. I just wanted to see what it was like. It was more like as a kid watching porn, it was like this magical world where everything sexual was okay.

And like when you're with somebody and then you walk in and there's already sexual energy and you know like that and it's an okay to have the energy. I think that was what I liked. And it's also a connection because I would fall in love quick. I would fall in love with working girl like all the time. I would want to date them. It was never like let me do something creepy and perverted that I wouldn't do it by white. It's like that's expedite past the weirdness of getting to know each other and get to the influence. intimacy immediately.

Yeah, like, let's get to this. Like, you've obviously seen a lot of crazy things sexually. I've seen a lot of crazy things sexually. Neither one of us is going to judge each other. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Because I don't care about a girl's pass at all. Like, whatever you've done, you've done, I'm fine with it.

Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? So, like, I kind of like going into it. Like, you're not going to be shocked that what my nipples played with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm not going to be shocked that you're or whatever. Yeah, right, right, right. It's just a nice comfort.

I'm automatically comfortable. I feel confident and relaxed. I've found it to be like This is a good way to Like you said expedite to like the connection Like I guess you're both playing a role Yeah yeah it's like can I put my head on your chest And then yeah and then we frot

The boyfriend girlfriend role immediately is sick Yeah totally Yeah it is nice just to fall into it That's why drugs rule because if I do If you do a bunch of coke with a guy You're immediately in love Yeah but then I don't know about you but in that period of time

where we're like kissing and talking and it's like my brain is like dude this is actually real oh my God and then they're like so do you have your gift for me and I'm like oh you're a real good actor do you know I've had that with so many like where they would come over and we would hang out

and they would spend time and like literally talking after for a while and then say things like you know well we'll go eat one time and then I was like oh you want to go to dinner one night and then they want to oh yeah I'll only charge you have And I was like, no. Like, I won't pay someone to talk to me. See, I would be like, she must really like me.

Like, I think I felt like to tell me half. That's where my arrogance comes in. I'm like, look, I understand physically. Let's be honest. We all, we all understand why I'm here. Right. Having somebody be there, yeah, listening to you. I don't need you to talk to me.

People, you know what I mean? I can find there's plenty of really brilliant people I can talk to. I don't need to talk. Like, I'm going to dinner because I want to hang out. out with you as a person. If you don't want to do that, that's fine. But don't act like I'm going to charge you and then smile at your stories. I have that after therapy.

After we, I have a really important conversation with the therapist. And then I get the Venmo request. I'm like, all right. Give me an hour. Yeah. Well, that was, I had a gal and she stayed all night. It was amazing. And then obviously, like, I was like, oh, wow, there might be a connection.

And then it was like, obviously full price charge. And then I gave myself the hard line of like, I'll ask her out as, you know, whatever. And if she says, yes, but she has to try. that I'm not going to do it because that's not good for my mental well-being, you know. And then I think like when I was in L.A. I was like, I just got to suck something. And then I did. And it was just, what?

And then it was just, you know, whatever. Yeah, no, I know. Did you suck something? I sucked it. When were you in L.A.? I think in November? And you got a prostitute? Multiple.

Really? Yeah. What happened in L.A.? Great times, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great. thing at a hotel? Yeah, yeah.

I'm never staying in a hotel there again. No, the hotel fucks you, man. I stayed at a dingy hotel that, like, I've done bad things in before, and I think it put me in a place. Yeah. You get really dark in hotels. Get in there.

I've shared hotels with Ian and woken up, and there's just, like, so many candy wrappers surrounding his body, like the chalk line. Yeah. Or patch kids. Because it's a weird adventure.

Like, LA's a bad acting out city for me, too. Yeah. I spent some time out there, like when I did Lucky Louie, early 2000. Yeah. Oh my God. Like, I mean, so when I go out there, I'm going to be around friends and people all the time when I'm in L.A. And if I have time to myself, I start to get into a, I really start to enjoy the tricks and treats of the nighttime streets.

Yeah, yeah. Because I love a hotel. I love a gentleman's room. I love hotels on the road, but when I'm in L.A. and no one's putting me up and I'm like in my own pocket, I'm like, well, I might as well. And you feel stupid because you have friends that aren't putting you up and they're like, it's a loner. You know. Oh.

But, you know, I. I don't know. It was not a good idea. And I'm grateful for it because maybe I needed the reminder and I'm not going to do it again. And you sucked a guy off? It sucked a woman off. Oh, you sucked a woman off.

Okay. Hey. A woman off. Yeah, please. I'm like a straight. Yeah, man. Exactly. Heterosexual.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. I am exploding on the other side of the Kinsey scale. Were you like I want particularly a trans woman or were you like? Well, there was a girl I was supposed to meet up trans gal and she canceled. And I think I got that it wasn't like I'm specifically going for her train It was like me and this girl been talking and then she blew me off and that was like rejection

So to make the rejection feel better. I was like well I'm just going to get a Yeah prostitute and I I I've I I I think I look to you in the fact that you found Someone that you love that's trans and it's not like I'm going because they're trans It's like well because they they they I have a connection with them and that's what I'd like And I've dated briefly trans women, but I feel like finding a trans woman to date is like very hard, but finding a trans escort to spend your time with is a lot easier. So I will find someone and then wish that like, well, I wish we could date because that's, you know. Right. Why is it hard to find a trans woman to date?

Just rare. There's not as many of them also. And they're used to being like, they're still in this place where like, you're still in this place where, like, And I hate when they criticize and go, well, you're just fetishize you. It's like, I fetishize every, everything. Yeah. Like, my whole life is fetish.

Like, welcome to the club. I get turned on by everything. Everyone, I fetishize every, every woman I've dated in my life. I've talked about our sex. People are like, why are you talking about her date? Right, every woman is like, I need to date men that are six three,

but you can't have a preference. Absolutely. Yeah, if they have a penis or not. I did a joke in my HBO special about fucking a girl telling me how wet she was. Like in 2007, like I've always, that's who I am. Yeah.

So it's just because she's trans. There's no difference. No. Yeah. But I guess a lot of them get, for them, it's kind of harder to find a guy who will go through with it publicly. And I think a lot of them to escort because they need money for surgeries. Like, that's why there's a lot of trans escorts because surgeries are expensive and they're not covered. So I think that's why a lot of them going into sex work, some probably wouldn't if they didn't have to.

Yeah. My guess. Why? It's crazy because, you know, we've been told, like, they're these, it's a marginalized group of people, yes. And they deserve love. Yes. And then when you're willing to give someone love based on who they are and it just so happens, they have a penis.

I know I'm looked at as like I'm this like evil bigot chaser. And it's like, no, I just like, I like feminine people. And if I'm not like, oh, I would rather have a girl with a penis. But if it turns out that you have a penis, great. That's fine. I don't care. Also, is there something, I don't know if this is effective to say, but is there something like, like, okay, if I was. was a man and I was dating women, it would kind of annoy me at like, there is like a helplessness

to women where you're kind of expected to like provide, not provide for them, but also like they are like this flower that's kind of been coddled their entire life, whereas I feel like with trans women have been through some shit. So I could imagine a connection in that world where it's like, you're a woman, you're so hot, but you also have a grit to you. But you'd be surprised. You're right, but you'd be surprised how. Some people who will remain nameless just love to lounge around and be taking care of. And they think they're delicate flowers. And they like things with Royal Warren's and they want to do nothing.

Yeah. Some particular people. That's a real, unnameable. Yeah. But that's a very similar thing. And I've been called a chaser too. It's like, no, I'm a catcher. It's so.

Yeah. Shut the fuck up. I'm a grab her. I catch them. I cage them. I lock them up. Everybody has preferences. It's so frustrating to like spend time.

publicly being like this is who I like this is who I love and I think it's okay and then have that same community people like tell me I'm awful and terrible and everything and it really hurts you know and like I but I enjoy I've always enjoyed other and I've always enjoyed because I've never felt like accepted or normal and I gravitate towards people that I feel can feel the same way and I feel like a lot of the people I want to spend my time with like I I want to date someone who's like, I have no problem dating a sex worker or a porn star, a tattoo artist. If someone traveled with the circus, I'd be like, I'd rather that than some like normal straight person and you can't get more like out there than a, for better or worse, a trans person.

And I'm attracted to the someone that's struggled and because I've struggled and I feel like I have a common interest with that. It's what I want to love and support that. Every group of people is full of shit. When you get like the religious activists, trans activists, feminist activists, fucking guys rights act. Every group is hypersensitive, language correcting, you're not good enough. That's just a group think thing.

It's all nonsense. You know, I wouldn't let that bother. I never give a fuck. If I didn't, if I didn't say it right. A chaser, by the way, is somebody who, like is kind of quiet about it. Not just somebody who, like, that's to me is where the people should criticize, like, The people that are like trying to pretend their big alphas, but meanwhile, they want a fucking pillow in their face

and their hips grab. It's like, that's somebody criticized. But just someone who's attracted to you, if you're calling them chasers, it's ludicrous. Yeah, I know. And, dude, you have made, like, things so much easier. And, like, I've looked to you as someone that, like, has been so open and honest and helped me to be open and honest.

And I feel like you, like, crawled so I could walk so DeRosa could run. Don't worry. He'll trip. So the Rosa could run a train. He's a trip and poke his eye out with an erection. But just like being publicly about what we like and everything, there's so many like thorns and roses to it. And I don't know.

Like I think it's, I've tried to publicly say it's okay to be with people who you like, whether they have a penis or not, and to be labeled like a fetishist or a chaser or like to be made fun of by a group of people. for years for dating men in dresses and then have them police language is like such an eye roll. But everyone's a fraud. That's the whole country of fraud.

It's like they're all fake. When you see like Heather Handling Epstein, the conservatives, the Democrats, they're all the same. Like they're looking at it the same. They're all pathing. Well, that's what piss me off about this kid's joke because I have a joke that's like I trans women or women because I can't find the clit on them either. That's a great joke. And I was like eating up for like, you're reducing us to our body parts, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

As we do with all women. And they do with men. Everyone does with everyone. But also, you're wanting to pass as a woman. You're going to be reduced to your body parts. But also, the joke is on me. I can't find the clit on women or trans. I'm, you know, like, I was trying to make the joke on me.

And then this kid had a joke that was like, vaginas lie. Dicks don't. I knew I made her cone because she shot everywhere. And all these people were like louding them. It's like, this is an inclusive blah, blah. And I'm like, what the fuck? It doesn't help that the last thing they saw you do on Twitter was.

like attack a teen or something and be like you're like because you go after people on Twitter oh I have a hair trigger that's why I'm off Twitter yeah I'm off Twitter I feel so much better yeah that's good but yeah and and also I'll double down when those people go after me I'll like really double down and then later like someone will send me a thing that's like one time I corrected him and he said okay dude got it I'm not a dude and I was yeah yeah you think there's no I very rarely respond I did actually today, a clip, I wasn't even angry when I responded, but I would, a clip on Jay Moore showing up

where I was just talking about Nikki. And I was saying that like people, the people who have been nicest to me have been the conservatives. It is what it is. Wow. And like the people at Fox have all been congratulatory and very kind. And again, I understand what conservatives feel. But this one guy's like, it's funny how the Fox people

want to, you know, ruin your life and you're thanking them. And it's like, no, dummy. I'm just relaying the experience I've had. Right. I didn't put any value judgment on it. I'm just telling you who's been nicer. But you can't say anything right for everybody. You'll never say it where they all go,

oh, because people don't want to fucking hear. They literally want to get angry. They want to be upset. So you're never going to say it right. Yeah. I was talking to her Borghly about this. And he had a good point where it's like, because there's so many comedians,

I think it's gotten way where it used to be like, a comedian says something. You're like, well, that's a funny clown. They can say whatever they want. but now there's so many of them that my theory is you like pick a you like pick a Pokemon and you're like this is my comic and then if they say

one thing off everybody comes after you because they've like identified you they're like we believe what you say and now you've said this one thing off and it's like no I'm still a human being with like fallible thoughts and different ideas and perspectives on things but he was saying that in the past it didn't feel that way do you feel like

it used to be different? I think that comics like any other group have become self-improach And I think that people are all so stupid assholes and they're desperate for people to lead them and and if you're saying something they don't like and they've looked at you, they're like, well, you're, you're not the person or you're the enemy. It's just it's it's it's everybody's a fucking idiot like that's really it's all fake. Yeah. Everybody wants somebody else to tell them what to think and everybody it's all it's like it's completely self-serving like hey, so what do you think of Palestine? I don't care what you think of Palestine. I want one of two things from you. I want my opinion. I want my opinion. invalidated or I want an excuse to get angry. Right. It's almost like it's completely self-serving everybody pretending they care about other people's thoughts. We completely.

God forbid you say I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I did that in the beginning and people came after me. Yeah, but also we conflate online for like Riyadi. Like the shout out to my dolls in real life. All my like transsexual friends and like people I associate with are like the most kind loving and they like love jokes. They love that I like ride for that. and everything but then these like brick freak like weirdos online that look like they're put together

with scotch tape and a fucking mop are like hating me that they're a cop that wears the dress sometimes yeah terrible and i'm like dude that this is like online noise but the online noise does get to you sometimes you know and like i i i don't know it's like i i i know i'm not like the person everyone wants to be like an ally but it's like i i don't know i for better or worse i've just been telling people who I like and love and to have people like hate me for it's just frustrating. But when you look at the online stuff, at least for me, when I go looking for comments, like it's, I'm cutting.

Like I'm taking a break from my life to hurt my own feelings. Because when I'm happy, I'm like, who the fuck cares? But if like somebody breaks up with me, I'm online just being like, let's see how many people hate me. Because I want to hurt myself right now.

But you've dealt with this for so many years of like, even with just like radio of Opin Anthony. And then like, that was just like live and people call. falling in and then it translating to online. Like, how do you rise above all that? Especially with, like, being, you know, who you are, being into trans women before anyone even talked about it.

Like, how did you navigate that storm? Like, it's so admirable, and I respect and look up to you so much for that. You just get used to it. Like, I was telling somebody recently, the first time I can remember myself getting trashed online. It was right after 9-11, because I had done some jokes on the radio. Because I did 9-11. Exactly.

Actually, I said I lost 19 dear friends. No, it was some joke about it. Too soon. And there was an whole thread about it. So it's like after a while, you realize none of it means anything. Who the fuck cares? Like what people say is just, they would be saying it in a room somewhere. It doesn't mean anything and you can't control it.

And then people go, well, how come you like what you don't mind when people say good things? Because the difference is people, the good things they say, they would say to you. Right. Right. They just, and all my years are doing stand-up. Very, no one- And if there is negative shit, it is being said to you. Somebody is coming up to you and being like, hey, just so you know that joke hurt my feeling.

Like, if it is worth it, somebody will bring it to my face. But the people that really hate you that really come after you, they never come up to you in person. They just, and I don't give a fuck. Like, at my age, what do I care? Yeah. Like, I don't care. I've survived certain things in my life. Like, I'm alive.

Who gives a fuck? Yeah. What's some fucking fat in-cell. It doesn't mean anything. What's that? I did beat AIDS. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank God that went away.

I was so sick October and January. I had bronchitis, pneumonia. I got the flu I had strep float. I literally went to my doctor. It was like, do you think I have AIDS? And he was like, oh, teachers get sick a lot. You're fine. You're fine.

Get out of here. Aren't you on prep? No. I don't take it. I give it. Oh, that boy. Yeah. Are you on prep?

No. I should probably go on prep. Well, we're married. Oh, yeah, you're right. We're literally insular. There's no reason for it. But I also wear condoms. Like, I don't, I'm like very safe. Yeah, okay. You know, uh, I'm not.

I don't know. I mean, it depends on what he does. I mean, everybody seems to be. And I don't have unprotected sex. Okay, yeah, that's fair. So. I was a no condom cowboy. Okay, okay. Oh.

Oh, I was fucking. Yeah, I don't forget it. It was a wild man. Yeah, I, uh, No, if I go down that way and put a lasso in a hat on me and some spurs, then I'll do it. You know. Yeah, you don't need it. Do you make a guy cover or are you not panicky about that?

Good for you. I didn't either. But I don't have a lot of promiscuous sex. Right, right, right, yeah. But I haven't used a condom in. Are we talking about straight sex? I thought we were talking when we go to the freak show. Just in general, anything.

No, I don't think I've seen a condom since high school, honestly. Shut up. Really? Wow. Wow. I'm giving you a standing ovation in my head. Is that bad? I'm giving you one in my pants.

No way. Really? What do you mean? I'm like a condom. I'm like a sleuther. I'll rip the condom off without you knowing. Yeah, I fucking. Oh, stealthy.

That is. That's illegal account. Take that back. That's not good. I would not do that too. But yeah, I really hate condoms. It doesn't, it makes my vagina feel weird and I don't like. And I, yeah, I don't know.

It's like every person I hate them too, but if I don't know the person, I'm fucking wrapping it up sorry good for you my dick panics I wish I could stay hard in a condom yeah I can't handle that I can't stay hard I need to start using that excuse the condom yeah that was sure I can't come yeah it was like a fucking

use a condom there was somebody I had sex with actually that guy had sex with on the road he was like we're definitely using a condom and I was like the one where you made the opener wait in the car yeah yeah um But other than that, I mean, in college I had a lot of sex, but I don't remember anything that went down.

It could have been all condoms. It could have been no condoms. Oh, I'm straight up like, here are my results. Let's, we can use condoms. We don't, but, you know, or we don't, but I, X, Y, Z, like, I'm very like, here's my book. Here's my report. Put it on the refrigerator. I got molestum contagio someone.

What's that? He got molested. That's what I thought you were saying. You know me both, brother. It's like a, it just is like a rash that you can pass sexually to people. Never heard of it. It's like a skin condition. Yeah.

You have to get them either burned or frozen off. Is it like warts? It's like little bumps. They're like little bumps. They're highly contagious. If you touch one and the touch else. Or it'll spread. Ah.

I had that in 2012. I had to get them frozen off. But I had touched. It was only up here and I had touched my armpit and I had them in my armpit. I figured out how to cure them without freezing or burning. Don't tell me it's going to be gross of blood. You burn a knee. needle and you stick it in them and then you stick

Are we gonna wrap it up? Great fruit seed extract into it. It's high acidic and it basically does the same as what they do with the thing. Were you gonna wrap it up? Did you try other fruits first? I did yeah just all mango. I'm like the kiwi.

Apple did nothing. The kids get them a lot. It's like chicken pox kind of or something like that. Yeah. But I had that and I think I had a comitia scare once but besides that pretty good. I also I grew up in a world where if you had herpes, people were like, I have this.

And then I did not go near them. Yeah, you know. up. No, you know. It's easy to live with all that stuff now. I think that's why a lot of HIV cases are coming back. Are they? Yeah.

Because people are just raw-dogging and thinking, who cares? Yeah, and they go, oh, I'm on doxy. I'm on prep. And then it's like, yeah, but I forgot to tell you I didn't take my prep for a cup. I forgot. You know, and it's very much spreading. And gonorrhea, there's a scary version of gonorrhea going around that can't be, that doesn't respond to treatment.

Dude. And I read about that, all that stuff, that tangible stuff scares me to. Because my wife has told me, if you cheated on me once, I wouldn't leave you. I would hate it, but I wouldn't leave you. You get so tested. Yeah, she put you through it. But I just know that I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't feel good about it and that connoisse. OCD helps with not cheating.

Yeah. It really does. I think it's almost hotter to not even have sex with someone to just like make out and jerk yourselves off. I guess. We gotta wrap this up. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Are we talking for more than an hour?

Okay. Oh, we've been talking for a long time. Oh, have we? Sorry. Oh, wow. Oh. All right. All right.

Let's wrap it up. Jim. What are you got to plug? I'll be in Sellersville, Pennsylvania, January 30th. You sound excited about it. I really am. Two shows. Double the curtains.

And also, I'm going to be out in Bakersfield, California, and Vegas. And I go away with Louis, and then I'm back at the mothership in April. That's it. And my house. Jordan. I have the bus tour, and I added dates to it. I added shows to it. So if you thought they were sold out.

go check it out again Houston, New Orleans, Atlanta, Asheville, Charlotte, Louisville, Cincinnati, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Toronto, Boston, and Port Smith. And then other dates have been added for the spring. So check those out at punchup.com slash Jordan Jensen. Ian do. An odd guy doing odd jobs. Comes out next week, January 20th, YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy, produced by YMH Studios.

I am so excited for everyone to finally see it. Two episodes are dropping January 20th, so subscribe to that to get it. I'm on the road till forever this weekend, Unkinsville, Connecticut. Next week, Emo's Not Dead Cruise, taken off January 22nd to the 26th. At the end of the month, Austin, January 29th to February 1st at Cap City Comedy Club, and then Dayton, Ohio, Portland, Maine, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Baltimore, Maryland, Nashville, Zanies. I'm going all over, eFidance.com for tickets, patreon.com slash be and Ian Pott.

And we will see you next week. Thanks to tune in. We love you. Bye. Thank you.