Bein' Ian With Jordan - Venomized Fidance W/ Brendan Sagalow & Luke Mones | Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep158

Episode Date: August 6, 2025

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpodIAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2sPodcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast- Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free withpromo code SKA at https://www.bluechew.comFollow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensenWATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s @jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidanceIAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL:https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8Follow Brendan Sagalow Here : https://www.instagram.com/brendansagalow/BRENDAN SAGALOW: THIN LIPS (FULL STAND UP COMEDY SPECIAL) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpA3u7ZctsYhttps://brendansagalow.comFollow Luke Mones: https://www.instagram.com/lukemones/More Here : https://lukemones.komi.io @LukeMonesPlease RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms!Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/Intro song: “Bein Ian with Jordan” by Wesley Schultz and Ian FidanceOutro song: Title Holder “It Doesn’t Matter”

Searchlight Pictures presents The Roses, only in theaters August 29th. From the director of Meet the Parents and the writer of Poor Things comes The Roses, starring Academy Award winner Olivia Coleman, Academy Award nominee Benedict Cumberbatch, Andy Samburg, Kate McKinnon, and Allison Janney. A hilarious new comedy filled with drama, excitement, and a little bit of hatred, proving that marriage isn't always a bed of roses. See The Roses only in theaters, August 29th. Hey, everybody, eInfinance.com for tickets to see me, August 1st to 3rd in Buffalo, New York, August 14th to 16th, Chicago, Illinois. Let's pack that out, Chicago Zanis, and then I'm in Irvine, California, Oxford, California, Fort Wayne, Indiana, East Providence, Rhode Island, New Brunswick, Omaha, Tulsa, Houston, Edmonton, New Orleans, Washington, D.C. Just announced, JFL Toronto, September 20. 26 and 27th.

Ianfinance.com. YouTube.com slash Ianfinance comedy for my travel show. Ian do an odd guy doing odd job. Subscribe to that. That's where all my stand-up goes. If you're still watching, do me in favor, please subscribe.

Punchup. Dot live slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. Patreon.com slash B&Eon Pod for the page, for the bonus, for the fun. And I'll see you on the road. Bye, guys. Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding back.

the night it's a wild ride when you're being in coffee ice no matter what now you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride when you're being in being in life is shit but you're positive let's find out what it's like to live a life being in Being in with Jordan Oh my God Brendan, you were just kidding, come on You woke up and chose violence today I chose violence today

So why don't you do something about it Stab someone Take it out Take out your energy You chose violence So do something about it Yeah I go

Oh never mind Cool knife man Yeah thanks Well welcome to be in the end with Jordan, everybody. Yeah, you're in my seat. Oh, Emma, you want to switch? No, I kind of, let's see what it's like from over here.

Tell him what I thought. Tell me, I thought it would be the funniest, the chewed up of podcast bits. Check this out. If me and him sat it in your, in your guys's chair. Let's do it. I think he likes it. I think he thinks it's funny. Why?

Because you have to move. Come on, everybody. Welcome back to another episode. Be in here with Jordan. Why do you like to move? I don't want to. I don't know. The visual.

Ian by Luke is pretty funny I just like you look so much I just don't want to move I've already sat down Relax your shoulder I don't think the bit's good enough You look like like Louis If he was like a black comic But used a sham wow

To wipe his sweat He goes I love the sham wow It's amazing It's like every time I have diarrhea It cleans it up like a There Vince from Shamwow literally killed a guy.

Did he? He really killed a guy. Yeah, he stabbed somebody, right? Did he? Nah. I thought he beat his wife. I guess he woke up and chose violence. Welcome to be in the show.

Today we're choosing violence. Today in a very episode, we're choosing violence. What was the last time you chose violence? Like five minutes ago right before we started. What happened? When I said that about the... No, no, no, no. The guy.

I don't mean talking. I mean, like, actual violence. Um, oh, when did I choose? Like, when was I, like, I'm gonna get into a fight? Yeah. You were with me at Van Lewin, right? Yeah, I mean, I was literally just thinking. I was literally just thinking about that to like two days ago.

Were you literally? I was, I was really. I was really. I was really was. And I was thinking about how fucking nuts you were actually. Because I was on your side when you did it. Okay. But then I was like, what a, what a nut.

You're just a nut. So we're at, we're at Van Lewins. I was right. You were right. But you were also like. Like, let me just say what the story is. Yeah, why don't you tell the story? Because I don't know this story.

And I'll try to tell it. I'm not comfortable with this at all. Yeah. We're not on a, what are you on a plane? This is crazy. What are you going to Maui? We should be wearing a suit. This is crazy.

What if in like, shut up? Jesus Christ. What if it's like two weeks cut to Luke in the ICU? Whoop. He's got, he's got terminal lung cancer. And he's got. gay.

Don't worry. He's lighting a candle for you. Come on, come on. Great, more smoke. So it doesn't get in your face. No, I think it's going to get my face either way. It doesn't matter. Well, you're tall, so smoke rises.

I'm actually pretty, can you tell the story about what happened? So we're at Van Lewins. We get ice cream. West Village. We're in the West Village. We're, you know, it is pretty crazy down there. I'm trying to give all the benefits.

You know, I got into it with a homeless guy there, too. Let him tell the story. It looks like, sorry, sorry. Okay, so we're at Van Lewins. We get ice cream. We eat the. ice cream. Yep.

And then Ian wants to get water, which is understandable. I wanted a little cup of sink water to put my mustache on because the ice cream gets in my mustache. First of all, I love a nice, they know how much people love a little cup of cold water at ice cream places. That's why they have the little water thing. So Ian's in the right there. So Ian, but they're closed and the guys cleaning in the back, whatever.

You mean they're closed? They're closed. They closed that. We got ice cream. Oh, I got. And the door wasn't locked yet. sure okay yeah it was because you knocked on it no no so he opened it this is this is what I remember yeah go ahead Ian knocks on the door it was locked Ian knocks on the door the guy comes from behind

the register he opens the door kind of slightly to be like yeah and Ian goes um I was just looking to see if I can get a cup of water I go into be fair and we did just get ice cream we're not just crazy people we literally we gave them money you're walking out and then I walked out and then I went, oh, I need a, and we walked. No, no, we ate the ice cream. So we were there for, we were still standing outside. We finished the ice cream. Cup or cone? This is important. Cone, cone, cone. I think it was, yeah, my own cone. If it was a cup, I would have used a spoon. Very interesting. Please continue. So then Ian, so the guy opens the door, Ian goes, um, could I just get a cup of water? And I said, very nicely. Yeah, you said,

please, could I just please get a cup of water? And the guy goes, no. And he closes the door like an asshole. Yeah. And then Ian with every ring that he's ever bought on his hand punches the door. Oh, Jesus. And he's like, hey, asshole, coo punches the fucking door. And the guy's like, you know, he's not scared. Oh, I gave him a couple fuck you.

Yeah, yeah. And we just wanted to. Yeah. There was an interaction where I go, I could have sworn I was like, I just want a couple water. And he goes, no. And I go, we were just in here. And he goes, no.

And then he shut the door. It was something like that. What's interesting is that, as I've known both of you, the last decade, you have gotten way less confrontational and violent and you, interestingly, have gotten way more confrontational. Yeah, I wonder what that's about. Because you used to, like, you used to

like get an email from somebody and then be like fuck you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I would email. I mean, I'd get into tons of fights. But you like, that comic Peter Wong saw me get into this. And he was, he's like a, he's like a very like chill Chinese guy. Like, from China. Yeah. From China.

And he saw me get, um, a Emotional damage. What's that? That's like a meme of this Asian guy being like, emotional damage. The parents are turning to kids into homo-shedgers. Is that you or something you're repeating? Something I'm repeating.

Tell us about... I'm working on my Chinese accent, though. I'm not very good at it. He's doing JFL Beijing. Tell us about what happened. So this is actually where I got, my special name from because I was doing a... Do you remember the standing room?

Yeah, of the standing room. It was this club in Long Island City and it was pretty awful, actually. Used to be the Laughing Devil comedy club. Yeah. Laughing Devil. Yeah. When that's Steve Hofstetter's Club.

And it's the only club where the cameras are facing the audience. All right, Louie. Get to the story. The story was facing the audience. It's literally amazing. It's literally ding amazingly. You may not have to cut out all these things or else you're going to get

demonized. You're going to get Joe listed. Yeah, do just do like boop. Oh my God. Thanks. Oh, I got demotized. What are you kidding?

What are you crazy? What are you crazy? You get it? Sound cooler if it's like beep. Honey, look out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you will.

You don't think it'll sound cooler? With a boop. I think it's annoying. It's annoying for you. Because you have to do it. No, I mean, it's like me standing up, right, and sitting down over there. As a listener, if I had a bunch of beeps, his boy kept picking things up on the, on like the street. And like, we were just like, just like, everybody, just fall in charge.

Marty, no, that's a sword. Marty, that's a guitar. What are you kidding? Marty, no, that's an old civil war gun. What the hell are you doing? What are you crazy? Oh, Marty, that's a pound of human shit. Marty, no, that's a head.

You want to hear about the sham wild guy? Oh, yeah, please, Vince the Shamouat. Yeah, so Shamweil, he was charged with violent assault on a prostitute. He apparently punched a prostitute several times in the face after she chomped down on his tongue and refused to let go. Oh, my God. I mean, that makes sense. I would do that too. Well, what if he was into it?

Marty, what are you kidding? That's a prostitute. You pay somebody is, you, a prostitute chopping down on your tongue and not letting go. You pay top dollar for that kind of thing. That's what I'm saying. Shamwell, you're going to negotiate better. Ladies. Yeah, please, I'll play

X you to not let go. Come on, fish on my time. Do a long driving. Googie, boogie, googie. I'm going to blow. I'm going to poop. Dude, you said

I've gotten more violent. I disagree. Yeah, you're right. I take it back. I was just being... Ten years ago, I hit that guy at knitting fashion. That was crazy.

You hit a guy? That guy deserved it. What happened? Some guy rush the stage. You rush the stage? Yeah. Some guy this agent hit a comedian who

grabbed the mic out of her hand. Grab the mic from the comedian of the comedian of the comedian. Megan Galey. It wasn't Megan Galey? Yeah. And then Ian went up and was like, you get your dirty paws off her mate. Oh, you fucking dork, dude. No, I'm trying to.

You were trying to fuck Megan Galey, bro. You go, leave her alone, dude. That's from back to the future. Hey, get your dirty paws off of her. Is this a whole setup thing? Did you go back into the past? Is Megan Galey your mom, bro? The guy went up to the stage.

She put the mic in the stand. He grabbed it, stood up on a table and then started to undo his pants and put the mic down. Which is just a nuts thing. Scott Chaplin and I are the only ones that ran up on him. And Scott grabbed him. And the guy grabbed Scott and dumped a beer in his head. And when he did that, I grabbed his shirt. Whoa.

You were there, Luke? I was standing at the back. By the way, I was not moving. I was not doing anything. I was like, security was doing anything. So when I pulled him, I, I, when I pulled him, I smashed him and he fell and then people swarmed on him and they get him outside.

And then Nemesh Patel came up to me and was like, hey, man, you should get out of here. I was like, why? And he was like, you just assaulted a guy. I was like, oh, yeah. And then I heard sirens. I just rode my bike and left. Yeah. You think the cops were coming that quick?

well i'm pretty sure somebody probably called the cops when the guy rushed the stage yeah yeah i saw the guy i saw the guy officer please i need help i love you too i'm okay at that van lewin i got into it with a homeless guy because i'm in line and this guy barrels in and he just reaches into the tip cup and starts putting money

in his pocket i go yo stop what's a matter with you everybody behind me runs out it's just me and him and he goes it's just a nickel and I was like, it's not a nickel. He goes, it's just change. I go, it's a principal. You don't steal from people. You steal all the time.

But not from people, from corporations. I'm not stealing from tip cups. I'm stealing from the Hudson News. I'm stealing from Starbucks. I think there's an argument, but I am on your side. Starbucks, do you go up and you steal people's online orders? What do you do? No, no, no.

I'll take like a... From the tip cup. I'll put a gun to the person. Yeah, I take a gun out This is a robbery, man. I know, like, you go all the cops are coming. Like a water.

You know, you know how they have water on the thing? I'll just take a water. Take water, yeah, okay. The water goes out. Water should be free. Water is free. I'm very principled with myself. You can get a free water at Starbucks.

So anyway, the person behind. I want it in the bottle, man. I want the ethos. I only take it from the airport. Oh, got it. So the person behind the register everybody leaves i was like dude that was crazy and they go yeah you really shouldn't have done that and i was like what they were like it's it doesn't even matter they do it all the time

and got like mad at me and i was like you fucking piece of shit fuck you well you know you you aren't helping deescalate situations no but that's well i think it's good to do that i think it's good to be the batman and that's i think more people need to do that sure batman gets the shit kicked out of him all the time to pay for being batman hey man i'm not wearing hockey pads You know, I don't talk like that. No, you don't, you don't. Hey, man. I mean, certainly that's a close approximation of what you talk about.

Yes. But so what happened to you? What do you mean? Peter Wong was just there. Peter Wong was just there. But Peter Wong was like a weekend to stand up. And he was like, he's like this, you know, off the boat Chinese guy. I don't think he was born in Connecticut.

I think he was from China. No, he's not. He's not. Off the boat. Yeah, no. You're crazy. He was born in a rice box. Just kidding, y'all.

I'm just kidding, y'all. I'm just trying to be funny. That's what we're doing here. I'm not racist. You woke up and you've been on one today. I know. I don't know what happened. I actually think I'm in a good mood.

Really? Yeah, my chick's home. She's staying with me for probably forever. You're dressed like a teenager who loiter is in the parking lot. Yeah. Yeah, you are. So are you. I know.

Yeah, you too. I'm just like a stage hand. Yeah. Ian, you're on in five. I don't know why that offended me. You say I got offended. I went, so do you. Yeah, it was a little interesting.

I got offended by that. We are the man in black. Yeah, I have my, uh, my, uh, berries and cream. You're dressed like the kid on the cover of that video game bully. That's a great game, though. That's a game they should remake. Yes. Yes.

So what happened with the Chinaman? Oh, nothing really happened. like I was doing a joke way back when I was trying to do this joke about how like there's got to be gay people that cringe when they hear gay voice you know what I mean where you're like yeah we don't all talk like that kind of thing that was the premise and I was failing miserably with it and uh this guy I'm like standing outside the standing room and this guy and his friends walk by it was like it was like this dude this fucking Indian guy and then a little girl so it was like not horrible, like, not like in any way threatening at all. He walks by me and he goes, uh, he goes, fuck you, you thin-lipped fat guy.

And, uh, that's kind of where, that's where I got my fucking special name from. And, uh, I just lost my mind. Yeah. And I ran up to him and I was like, you know, dude, I go, so you what? You don't think because I'm a stranger, I won't kick your fucking ass. I go, you don't do that.

You don't, you don't just, you don't just walk up to somebody you don't know. and say shit like that. You're going to get your fucking ass kick. Give me one reason why I shouldn't. I'm such an asshole. I was like, give me one reason why I should kick your ass.

Kick your ass right now. Give your ass right now. I'm going to run away. Well, guess what? I got a fast car. I will find you. That's the same person. Wow.

Yeah. I think she's covering. Give me one reason, right? This doesn't. Yeah. Anyway, so. Don't look that up. But every time he would talk,

I would go say one more word and I'll punch. you right in the face. And he's like, and I go do it. No, he wouldn't call my bluff. I actually feel really terrible about it because I scared him. You know, I was like, I was like, do it. Do it. Say one more thing. And I'll punch you right in your face. He's like, he called you fat. Yeah, but I am fat. No, but I just like now I just go like, it's never really worth it. Like one punch can fucking kill you. I don't think you're fat. Because I got concussed when I was in. What? I got such a bad head injury when I was in high school that I'm like it didn't really hit me until recently that I'm like

I gotta stay away from shit I can get knocked out again and it could kill me this time Did you almost die? You fell on the ground, you fell on the concrete What happened to your head injury? I got into a big fight when I was in high school I don't even remember it I don't remember the day I woke up in the hospital. Really? Yeah I never told you this? No, how long were you in the hospital?

Just a day so when I was seven. What if you were like that happened like when the internet was a thing and you became like a head injury? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I watch those guys. I'm wearing, I'm wearing gauze around my head.

And I'm like, hey guys, don't forget to like and subscribe. I go down a rabbit hole of watching hospitalized influencers. Really? And this guy starts every video with, so guys, I'm Shane. I'm paralyzed from the chest down. And today, I'm in my cardiologist. Yeah, it's insane.

Yeah, we all have some pretty messed up TikTok and Instagram for you pages. Because I get a lot of that, too. I've gotten a lot better. I've really clenched mine with like cats and like singing and stuff. I was for a while, I think I told you for a while in early TikTok, I was getting guys being like, well,

the doctor just gave me four days to live. Jesus. Here's what I'm going to do in my day. Get ready with me to have four days to live. It was so intense. I'm very proud of my Instagram algorithm. I've, I've worked it.

So there's not fucking all these horrors jumping up and down. shit like it's all oh congrats it's funny stuff i mean my tic talk is fucked but my instagram mine is all funny shit i mean like everything's trying to be funny i have no fucking service down here so you'll never know i have um whoa this girl that was a prostitute sex worker that's not your that's not your that's not your for you page that's the girl you follow yeah yeah okay yeah it's for me man she she she she she's for me man she she she was a sex worker and I we were going back and forth one night and then she bit your tongue so hard

and then the shit out of her we ended up meeting on a dating app and we would hook up every once in a while but she's in the daily mail I had 15 plastic surgeries in one day it almost killed me the recovery was world's largest cock has AIDS tiny cock little guy oh really little little can I tell you honestly this is the first thing I opened Instagram and it says the daily breakfast of a 600 teenager. And it's just a guy. Look at that. It's just a guy

eating breakfast. Let me see. Wait, let me see mine. Oh, brother. What is that? This is not good radio. No. Oh, sorry, sir. That sounds like you're just going through my stand-up clips. This is being kind of abusive to your audience. It is abusive to the audience.

You're subjecting them. But you like music like that, right? No, that's, that's a guy. That was music? No, no, no, it's a guy who... Was that a band that got water poured on them after midnight? And he doesn't know he's a bad singer. Like, dude, there's a guy, there's...

Book Club on Monday. Gym on Tuesday. Date night on Wednesday. Out on the town on Thursday. Quiet night in on Friday. It's good to have a routine. And it's good for... for your eyes too. Because with regular

comprehensive eye exams at Specsavers you'll know just how healthy they are. Visit Spexavers.cavers.cai to book your next eye exam. Eye exams provided by independent optometrists. There are guys though that are, that me, me and Ian's algorithm like Venniagram

in this weird way where it's like every time there's some fucking like weirdo that's trying to be sincere and like make it as a musician or something like I always see Ian's little face that liked it in the corner there's a guy that we both follow

that he's like who is this guy what's his name where he's like he was singing about Juneteenth every weekend he posts a song that he does but he doesn't post the song he posts him singing the song and it's called like Friday crazy night

you know this guy Yeah, you gotta have him on the show, bro. Oh, dude, I'll know that guy. Oh, dude, I'll find it, I'll find it. Friday, crazy night. Yeah. Is that the same guy? It's like, I am a rectangle or whatever.

No, no, that guy, he's crazy. Oh, is a different one? Okay. Let me the man. It's going to be a wild, wild weekend. We're never going to stop. Now it's a wild weekend. His little interd, like,

Dude, put on, put on... He looks like Luke and put on Friday Crazy Night. Oh, oh, oh, I'm finding it. What's really funny if you can't see is... Every Friday, crazy night. Every Friday, crazy night. There we go. Friday crazy night.

Gonna dance, dance, dance all night. Yeah, one more time. Friday crazy night. Dude, cut to a woman being tied up. He's in Target. He's in the electronics. He's in a shirt. The only people sharing this are me and Sagal.

Look back to each other. What's funny is that he's doing all these videos in public places and the background is just people going, he's going, Friday, Christ. He puts the phone down and he goes, I really got to call my dad. He looks like me in a crazy way. He does. He looks like you and David Lynch. He's a Luke alike. He's a Luke alike.

Yes. Yeah, I used to, that you look like it used to be a big tree outside my apartment. Watch him. Hey, watch you. Luke, did you know that we have a, we have a friend here? That's an, you know, like, wow, you go ahead. He actually looks like he has less dead eyes than you. Wait, just kidding.

Is that usable? Yeah, go use it. Oh my God. There's, there is. Yeah, there's definitely a group of, no, easy with him. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, He's been traumatized as a child. Does he need the post?

He needs to have the post? Come on. Not the first time and Ian has had something shoved up his ass. Oh my God. Someone's made that joke over and over. Oh, really? Every time.

Every time my hand goes up this thing, people are like, wow, can I see it? So, first of all, I just want to say, I think that the craftsmanship is, who made this? Did you make this?

Hippie tree service. We got to get them tattooed. So I'm going to get my friend Daniel to write tattoos on him. That's cool. Yeah. Now, when you do this, Luke, you got to lay in the ground and put your arm up so he looks real. Oh, I'm not going to do that. No, okay, you don't have to.

Just have fun. All right. Now, here, here. Hey, man. Do Ian Puppet as him saving? Like, what was that thing where you, he like, Ian ran in the middle of the road or some shit? Why don't you do your hands and I'll do it? Okay.

So this is what happened was. Let me set. Oh, yeah. I think I under your time. Oh, yeah. So when I was walking with Ian, to get coffee we saw a lady get make its legs move like we're walking

so we're walking to get coffee we're leaving the apartment yeah so anyway man I'm gonna be on the road this weekend man and uh we see all of a sudden there's a fender holy smoke alonies what was that

Neatie okay and then what actually happened is Ian ran into the city oh my god there's a little cigarette Ian ran to the street hold on hold on you got to this head down a little more Ian ran into the street.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, and then now move them. And then he started directing traffic. And then some guy started talking and he was like, get over here, man, this way, this way, this way, this way. And then some guys started talking, he's like, move out of those street. And he goes, Jesus, lady, the guy just got in the car accident. E! Jesus, Lane.

My glasses. Has anybody seen? Run over. Oh, my God. You ran over my glasses. Luke, can you make me a promise? Yeah. When I die.

You will do my eulogy as puppet Ian. What's funny is my impression of Ian does kind of fit a puppet version of you. But what happens is the more I do it, the more I start to sound like Alpha from the Power Rangers. You do sound like Alpha. Rangers. Rangers. That's great, dude.

Rangers. Zorda needs your help. Rangers. And Ian Fidance as Alpha, the robot. Here's a pitch. Here's an SNL pitch. If we were working at SNL together. you and I, I go, I go, Alpha. And I'm just not here?

You, um, you know, you're at Mad TV. Uh, you are watching Matt. Hey, Artie. Where's the Coke, man? You go, we have a show tonight. We haven't written a thing. Hey, Ian. Come on.

Come in the back. We're going to do some more cocaine. I'll get on the ground and. All right. So, have you already lying on the show, by the way? That would be great. Do you think he would do it? Hey, Ian, listen.

Aw. He said he's completely out of show business. And no. You think he's completely out of show business? This is a very specific type of Ian where he gets serious and he... Yeah, he gets serious and confident. He doesn't talk. Yeah.

This is a very specific. type of you. I'm just saying. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. We're both, we both just recognizing it. It makes me think you have a personal connection with Artie. I know he does. Do you guys talk on the phone or something? No. They're both Um, no, I don't.

Puppity and Dave is really close to them. Oh. And Puppityan talks to him from time to time. They're both friends of Bill. We're friends. Hi, I'm Puppetian and I'm an alcoholic. Occasionally you'll see a celebrity in a meeting, but you have to go into the city. Okay, boogie, googie, I'm going to poop.

This is the only puppet looking for hookers on Sesame Street. Excuse me, Grover. Can you help me find some strange? Hey, guic, googie, I get it. Hey, man, got $20. Hey, I'll suck your toes for a new port. Oh, man. Oh, man.

I always think you put on Ian's glasses, you start seeing a cartoon. Everything is like Richard's scary. Richard's scary. That's so funny. Everybody looks like a playmobile all of a sudden. Brendan looks like a Christmas claymation thing. I'm like, what are you looking at, man? Whoa, man.

Yeah, what's that the Franklin? Bass or something like that. Ethan's Rudolph for some reason. I think that was Jay. Is that Franklin and Bass? So that's like something in bass. Remember when Jay said that? There's cartoon birds.

What a beautiful day in the neighborhood. All right. I wish you still lived in the neighborhood. It was so fun. Randomly seeing you in your little mesh shorts. yeah I used to wear I still have those shorts by the way by the way you're wearing mesh shorts right now

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood last time I was on this podcast it's kind of haunted me because I talked about how I thought I was a good singer and you and Jordan said I wasn't and it well let's go around too why don't you sing again we'll see if you're I'll let you know yeah we'll be honest you think I'm a good singer yeah

well sing something I mean what do you want me to sing sweet I'm out of the last. Dream on by Arrowsmith. Well, that's a really difficult song. It is right up his alley. That's in your tone.

It's right in my range. I thought you were a good singer. Every time that I look in the mirror, all these lines on my face getting clearer. Is it you singing or the puppet? The past is gone. Is this good radio? You got it else.

Yeah, because you're singing. It's something. They put music on the radio. I think he's good. At a last, my love has come along. You guys were both in bands. Yeah. So I've never been in the band.

My band was good. Sock full of pennies. Oh, that's right. We were a ska band. our third album you would actually really like it's like very like mute he was on mute it's

because it didn't it was never recorded come on man we're messing around with you man I invite you into my home no because it's like punky and like harder and ska and like poppy

I like sky I like all types of music yeah hi we're sock full of pennies dude you know what we would do We're from Denver, Delaware. Sorry, we're from Delaware. We would play the crazy train intro. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, then we go, we're stock full of pace, we're willing me to Delaware. Oh, that's cool.

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Joe Biden at church when I was the only day. Yeah, but I'm talking about you used to see Hunter Biden at the den. I wish. The den? That then. Oh. I cried when Bo Biden died. Oh, the dog. It was the son of Delaware. Oh, his son.

The dog is crazy. Oh, my God. You're thinking of Obama's dog, bow. Oh, yeah. Did every president besides Trump have a dog? Yes. Yeah. So he's the only one that's like,

he doesn't have a dog. He's the first person to not have a pet, yeah. Yeah. He's like, I don't get it. I don't like them. Has anyone in the white house? It's an animal in the house. Has anyone in the house?

There's fur everywhere. I don't like it. It's dander. We're not doing dander. Has anyone in the White House ever had a cat? I, I, I don't. The White House was not made for poopie beds. We're not doing booby beds.

What is that? What is this? It's a cat toy that coyote brings down here and destroys. Yeah, I think a couple, I think, I want to say Jimmy Carter's daughter had a cat. Wow. So nice. And maybe the Clintons had a cat. No.

I think they did. They had a catastrophe on their hands. What do you got his dick suck by Monica Lewinsky? Yeah, that was a different gun on. The Clintons had a cat, right? This says, Abraham Lincoln, who had two cats named Tabby and Dixie and Bill Clinton, whose cat Sox was very popular. George W. Bush, Cat, India. Sox, who was very popular. Willie. Also lived at the White House. More recently, Joe Biden's Cat Willow. Oh.

It's also been in the White House. I've got a cat. I got a cat, man. His name's Willow, man. Sir, sir. That's a rug. Look at the little kitty cat. Come here. Oh, that's an opossum. No, no, that's Obama's nephew. Luke, you said Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton had one. Bill Clinton, I did say, yeah. Snowball, what was the name? Sox.

Sox. Aw. I did not have sexual relations with my cat. Dude, do you remember? Now, you guys are young. How old are you? 18. Works every time.

I keep getting older. Brendan says the same age. That's a problem. I'm 34. Yeah, 33. Whoa. How old are you? 41?

40. You're 40 years old. Isn't that crazy? You just know a four-year-old guy. We just hang out with a 40-year-old? It's wild. I never thought it would. I never thought it'd be me.

But now it's me. Guys are creeps. It comes for us all. By the way, what's crazy to think is that when I was like 23, I was hanging out with you and you were like in your 30s. Like, that's nuts. That's crazy. I'm thinking of like myself hanging out with like a college kid. I'd be like, what the fuck is that?

Wait, did you still go to Columbia when we started hanging out? No way. You went to Columbia? You always forget that. Every time I ever. I get that. You're so smart. One of my best friends. What did you major in?

Is this one the same? Yeah, what did you make me? I know. I always forget it. I know you went to pace. Well, you have that head injury. By the world trade center. But by the way, I had a severe head injury.

If you remember, when I was seven, I slipped in the wave pool at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas and cracked my head open. Some say that's the worst thing to ever happen in Mandalay Bay. It was until that point. Until the shooting, it was. Yeah. No, it's unfortunate because when that shooting happened in Mandalay Bay, I always had to, I never, people never got like, if you didn't know Vegas, you'd be like, what? What is Mandalay Bay? There's no. Now people know. Oh, yeah. Now you can, it's my eye always sees it. Whenever I'm like going to the airport from Vegas, I'm like Mandalay Bay. Yeah, because that was just my experience. Now that's the experience of the country. What do you think about that? Hold on a second. It's like if you sprained your ankle at the World Trade Center. And you were like, oh, that's where I springed my ankle. Why? What happened at the World Trade Center? I'm sorry. I interrupted. did you just kidding what do you look got a head injury yeah i guess we've all what do you think happened in manilae bay uh a guy sniped out a couple of people you really believe

himself what do you believe you go first i just told you a guy sniped out a bunch of people and then killed himself i've never looked into the conspiracies there but um i tend to believe and trust the law enforcement. You stink. Remember when? No, I don't. I don't. Ah, too.

Excuse me. Can I tell? No, because it involved, no, I don't want to because it, yeah, I don't want to say. What is it? Who does it involve? I don't want to say. A girl? Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Are you guys talking about when you were in Vegas together? A gift you gave me? Yeah. involves a girl. that you were involved with. Would you get a fucking prostitute for this guy?

No. Because now, now it's too built up. It's not that big of a deal, but now it's going to seem like a big deal. Can I just say it? No, don't say it. Tell him after.

I still have it. I know. Tell him after. All right. All right. Oh, now everybody's going to be mad at me in the comments. You let the Jew on the podcast.

And I think your whole audience is anti-Semitism. Oh, you're Jewish and your secrets. Stingy with the stories. He's just in their secrets. Oh, he's holding on. You had the Gringots goblin on the podcast goblin on the podcast he wants to hold on this story let me

I always thought it was really funny that like the Green Gats Goblin where everybody was like oh look J.K. Rolling making fun of Jews again and you're like well she's not calling them Jews you are look at how ugly and Jewish

I've never seen a hairy potter really? I don't know what you're talking about I watched two of them on the fucking flight the Vegee I watched Order of the Phoenix What are you talking about? And I What is this gungats? The gungats.

What is the gung gott's the bank in Harry Potter? And it's run by these little two foot tall goblins that look like the Nazi propaganda. No one's going to look. Really? Yeah. Yeah. They look like pass. And when and they're like, and when J.K. rolling got in trouble for being like a turf and all that stuff, uh, people are like how she's always so racist.

She gives, she gives the black guys, black names. And she gives the and. And is there, are there black people in. Yeah. Harry Potter. There's a black name like Amphorny. Yeah, they're like, the black name. Professor Axe you a question.

Oh, I'm running late to Professor. I'm late on rent class. Yeah, well, I thought that was funny, but you guys didn't laugh at mine, which was actually better than yours. So I'm not going to. What are you looking up? Are you looking up, Gungat? I'm looking up Jews and Harry Potter. Are you on Tinder?

No, not on Tinder. I'm going. Have you ever just had anybody Check out on your podcast And just go on their phone Yeah, Ian and Jordan Besides you and the So disrespectful, bro

Yeah, what are you doing? I'm trying to look up the Jews and Harry Potter. You're kind of being being Ian right now Yeah, you're is Oh my God Isn't that crazy? Yeah That's not so upset that I was on my phone now, are you?

Wild That you use this as your Tinder profile picture I can't believe. And it works. That's the craziest thing. It's literally amazing. It's amazing. It works every time.

Love diarrhea. I'm just pooping the gringots. Harry Potter as Louis C.K. Expecto Petronum. I literally set spells and it's amazing. It's amazing. You put this blanket on you and you become invisible. It's literally amazingly amazing.

What do you think somebody would take from your act to imitate? you probably stupid sounds and shit that I'm doing even though they're not listening to the words

man I don't know well that's that's one of the signs of being you know a successful comedian is that people

can imitate I actually think that that's what no I was about to pay you a compliment but now you're attacking me oh what

I was just gonna say it's why you're a beloved and unique comedic voice you should look at the impressions as a form of flattery it's very nice

you thank you I appreciate that. Yeah. Because if you weren't like, you should be flattered every time someone goes, eh, I mean,

no, I actually think that's true. I think like, if you couldn't, if somebody can't really do an impression of you, it means like, I know, you're not memorable. I gotta do something.

Interesting. Thank you. That was a very nice way to spin it. I really mean that. You know what I think I could do an impression of a book. Let's start the episode. You can do an impression of me?

Maybe, um, let's hear. Gargoyles. Why there's so many gargoyles. I think I've had enough For the podcast Find us on Patreon

That's a funny bit You got so many funny bits People make fun of the way I hold the microphone sometimes How do you hold it If I hold the microphone Oh I hold it like that too You guys are like hardcore bands

Yeah DeRosa does that too DeRosa like talks into it like this Yeah I hold it like Man I hold it It's like Mike Lawrence

Holds it like this Like he's playing a trumpet Yeah I started I started doing this I know, what did I start doing? I start doing this. Yeah, you do that. That's great.

I do this a lot. I've started to unironically intentionally do a bad jokes. Bazinga. I'm going to poop. Welcome back to the show. Rangers. Rangers. Zornon needs your help.

Zornon needs your help. I can't stop eating cigarettes, Rangers. Wait, how do you hold the mic? Do you still hold the mic stand up? I either hold the mic stand by that and I do the making a fire. I do that. That's fun. I set it up like it's like a rapper, like one of those rapper videos.

They're like this in the park going like, spit motherfucking. That's really funny. The funniest microphone work I've ever seen. One of them, okay, there's a couple examples. One is Brendan at the fat black doing the bit where he misses the microphone coming on the stage? Oh, yeah. He walks past it.

That was in my Steve Martin era. That was trying to do Steve Martin jokes. And the second is Nick Vatterot using the mic, he had a mic stand that like bends in the middle, you know, and he put to his side, it's like on like Billy Joel. What? It would go like this.

No, the mic stand was like, you know the mic stands that are like music mics that Ben. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole mic stand is at the side. He's like, I want to copy like, Holy Joel. That's funny. So funny.

But yeah, I mean, that's, That's pretty much it. And Jordan holds the mic. Oh, I like doing stuff with the mic that's like, I think I did an act out where I wrote with it. I wrote like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen you do that. I've done it like using old rotary phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Operator. One, one, one, one. Operator. Yeah, that's all, that's all funny stuff. I made it go like this on the stand. I went, look, I'm in oasis. Maybe. I'll tell a joke today

This is good This is all good stuff These are great riffs man Just killing the vibe immediately He's a great riffs man I love the riffs man I think those are so funny Guy that's a week into comedy

That's Peter Wong Going great rifts man He's a great riffs man He's still never Oh yeah yeah Yeah I told this story These riffs are so special man I think they're just fantastic

Either way Peter Wong Saw that and he was like Shell shocked I don't think he's ever seen That happened to me at the standing room. This, when I used to teach, I used to get so angry and upset that it would come out at stand-up at night, where if somebody was talking, I'd immediately turn and just yell at them. He'd be like, shut the fuck up. You're ruining the shit.

Like I would lose it. Like Bill Hicks. And just, she's a con. Get her out of here. She's a con. You shut the fuck up. You're a cunt. I was on stage.

I don't believe you. Don't believe you. I don't believe you. Play it loud, mango. This kid was in the front row and his teeth were all like jacked and he kept like talking his teeth

I'm sorry his teeth were all fucked up and it looked like somebody like excavated like a cemetery or something like his teeth were just like everywhere and he kept saying shit to the comics and every comic could go to the back and be like God that guy won't shut the fuck up

so then I get on stage and he like said something I go hey man you open your mouth one more time I'm going to use this mic stand and fuck your teeth up even more. And I got a whole bunch of comics in the back that got my back too. So shut the fuck up or get the fuck up and get the fuck out. And I expected everyone to be like, yeah. And dude, it killed the vibe. And then I go to the back and Alexis Gros is like, dude, what's the matter with you?

And I was like, I thought we were all together. He's like, nah, man, you really like iced the room out. That wasn't cool. I was like, God damn it. I thought I was taking up for everybody. Fuck. And dude, it was the very fucking first. that came out of my mouth.

So it was just an uphill battle for the rest of the set. It was awful. Alexis, Alexis Guerrero is, you know, he's from Jersey, I think. Yeah, I knew her.

I met his mom, and she was like, I know you. And I was like, oh, no, I don't think we met before she goes, and she like turns to Lexus.

She goes, I used to change his diapers. And I was like, what? I'm from Portland. And she, to this day, we'll be like,

that boy, I know him. And he's like, and his little baby, yeah, I changed his diapers. when he was a baby. And I was like,

you still got that prolapsed Aiden? Yeah, I do. Dude, I saw one of my old professors in a coffee shop and she was like so transformative for me

and really like was kind to me and everything. And I'll never forget her. And her name was, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't say her name. Whatever. She's great.

You forgot her name. Let's honor her by not evolving her. I went up to her. I was like, oh my God. Professor so and so. And she goes, Ian.

I see you all over my TV. And I was like, oh, that's... She's watching old Groucho Marx movies. She thought I was a different Ian from like three years ago that was an actor. I go, no, I haven't been on TV. And she goes, wait, who were you again? Oh, God. Well, yeah, that's the thing, man, is you don't, when you don't imprint on people as much sometimes.

And, uh... I had, I had a shaved head. It was... You had a shaved head? I had a shaved head. Facial hair. Yeah, I remember.

Different. I contacts. Contacts. You were just a hotter guy. NYU, Ian was a different type. How about him going to NYU and being like a totally

straight-laced guy? That's crazy that you went to NYU. Yeah. Just three fucking, he turned into a smart dorks. Yeah, dude, you had like a full on going to fucking gay college.

What's that thing? Animorphs? Like, you could do an animorphs book cover. It's like you as like a normy guy. Turning into 40 years. Yeah, 18 years. me and Luke always do this joke about that you know that goblin comic guy we always do a joke

about thinking he's a real fucking monster and hunting him down like with pitchforks and and torches shoot to the studio I'm here to kill the goblin tell me you're doing the gobbler guys podcast dude what are he doing in L.A oh I'm doing it right now with John GoblicCon excellent time I'm going to go with you and kill the god I'm here to kill the goblin he's like no man I'm It's a mask. It's a mask. Yes, yes, yes. Don't fool me with your goblin fools.

Don't try to fool me with your goblin tricks, Goblin. No, dude, it's a character. He does a bunch of other characters. I heard that before, and I've slayed many a goblin. Much like this goblin characters. Because a backpack were just the table legs made into crosses. Zach Loz. I mean, keep me clothes of garlic in my mouth.

I'm going to kiss him and then kill him. You're thinking of vampires. All the same. He's like, I brought my friend Luke. He's like, oh, that's cool, man. He's like, so Ian, how is the San Francisco punch? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, Ian, no, run.

You hit him with a silver bullet. Oh, hold on. Mike Cannon's calling. Should I pick it up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, Mike Cannon, you're on B and Ian with me, Ian, and Luke Monez. Oh, what a shocker. The draw isn't there.

we've been canon that's our show everybody I didn't hear him what he said he said the draw is in there oh I thought he said low ticket sales at Uncle Vinnie's all right I'm not going to top that I'll call you later

I love you he didn't hear it and he tragically passed he went to the big Mike Cannon House in the sky. He went to the big Uncle Vinnie's in the sky. He went to the big Mohegan

Son in the sky. And we know you'll be playing the big mohican son. Bro, I have this video saved on my phone somewhere of when Geraldo did Conan. And Geraldo is sitting at the thing and Conan goes, it's something like Conan goes,

Greg Geraldo is going to be doing five shows at Mohegan Sun this weekend. That's pretty exciting. And Geraldo goes, yeah. And I saved it for if I ever were to be headlining Mohegan Sun, but now that'll never happen. Why will that never have it? I don't know. I mean, I fucking publicly.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, we don't talk about it. Yeah, I know. I actually think there's a chance. You know what you'll do? Let's, let's dream big. You're going to headline the arena.

Yeah. Yeah. Ah. You have the power of Ian. Hey, man. Your tattoos start coming up me, like, like, uh, venom, like the symbiote. Uh, oh, more skulls and roses. We are Ian, we are Ian, we are Ian, we love ice coffee and cigarettes.

You, you bite off ice coffees, like their heads. That's so funny, bro. Ian, your spots in 15 minutes. Thank you. I mean. Oh, thanks, man. Oh, thanks, man. We are fight.

We're, you're on stage going, we were walking. down the street. I mean, I was walking down the street and it's unclear what form, are you taking the form of Venom Ian or are you still look like Brendan? It's hard to, the logic of the bit is unfortunately convoluted.

I don't believe you. You don't believe you. This is my impression of the Bob Dylan movie. Everybody watching Bob Dylan play, play the harmonica. Why just survive back to school when you can thrive by creating a space that does it all for you, no matter the size.

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about that crazy kid Bob I don't believe you and by the way my name is Johnny Cash and I'm Johnny Cash I actually think the guy who played Johnny Cash stole that movie they should have made a Johnny Cash movie from that

he's the bad guy in Logan what those the guy who plays Johnny Cash is the bad guy in Logan You know the guy who goes, no, no. That guy with the crazy arm. Wait, Johnny Cash is in the Bob Dylan movie? You haven't seen it?

You haven't seen it? You're not a big movie guy. He don't like movies. He likes Ghostbusters 1, 2, and 3. He likes, what other movie do you like? Bufrain Roger Rabbit. That was my favorite movie when I was getting. He likes 8 Mile.

8 Mile rules. I'm actually going to go, I'm doing a watch-along of 8 Mile with soda on Thursday for his YouTube channel. Oh, that's so fun. Thanks for the invite. I know. I cancel my weekend. Yeah, we get it, you're working

Shut up Where you're working Ian does feel like the type of person to me And this isn't a dig or anything Where you can't watch a movie Without standing up and going in the aisles And going out for a smoke and coming back Really?

We did see Planet of the Apes together He'll sit through a whole movie Yeah I've seen movies with you Yeah, I know I'm saying you sit through a whole movie We saw Oh dude Speaking of standing up and moving around

Remember when we watched a good time. Oh, that movie rules. Dude, you put me on to that movie. And I had to get up and walk around my apartment because I was so anxious watching it. Oh, my God. Is that the Safty movie?

Yeah. Man, they make some anxious movies, don't that? Pattinson is just so fucking good. He is so good in everything he does. I bet you could get him on the podcast. Yeah, I bet he would be amazing. I bet he would come on because he seems like such a cool guy that he would do these like underground shitty podcasts.

More realistically, you probably could get Coupy on the podcast. Who? Bradley. Yeah, definitely. because fucking Jordan's in the movie. That's not secret. They put that out. They announced it.

You could 100% get Coupie on the podcast. We should get Coupie on the podcast and have him bring his cheese sticks. You all know. He's doing Jackson Main from Starsborn. Yeah, he goes, uh, I'm kind of still in character. Tell me something, Jordan. And he's falling in love with him. I already ask him to play his character from What Hot American Summer

so I could have gay male sex with him. Jordan would be like, I'm not going to ask him to do B&Ean. He's already doing RIP. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having him to do the podcast. Oh, great. You have to stand there.

Oh, great. Thanks, Jordan. I would assume she would do a modicum of anything. Yeah. Thanks for your help. Oh, you have to do is just connect a dot. This is like if the Beatles, if Ringo got all the credit.

This podcast. You've really tickled the boy. That's the biggest boy tickle of the movie. Oh my God. I've never heard he to make a noise like that. He's crying like a little monkey. There's some legendary Ethan laughs on this episode. That was great.

You should try to get Coupie on though. Yeah, Coupie and Will Arnett, whose headshot is hanging in the cellar. Did you see that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right by the door. His headshot as the comic

that he's playing in the movie is hanging by the door of the cellar. That's probably for the movie, right? Yeah, it's his character from the movie. I can't remember Will Arnett's kind of, whoa, hey, look at us, Michael crying like a couple of girls. Rizzi's peanut butter comes. Where's the gasoline come from?

Dude, Will Arnett and Bradley Cooper on the podcast would be unreal. I just want to take another look at you. Tell me something, girl. He's doing Leonard Bernstein. Oh, darling, look at you. He's so beautiful, darling. He's a Philly guy, too.

Come give me a kiss. Yeah, he opened up a bunch of Philly cheese steaks. I heard they're incredible. I really think you can get Coupie on. You 100% could get Coupie. Considering we were just talking about big actors doing podcasts. Yeah. Actors love doing that shit now.

Wow. They love coming in. You know, it's funny. It's like, these actors should come in and do these, like, you know, racist podcasts, essentially is what we are. There's not a genre. name for it, but I guess... Can you get Bradley Cooper?

Can you do this after? Well, no, I just want to see her reaction in real time. No, yeah, you're going to get three little dots and then nothing. True. Would you say? She's not going to respond.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going to be pissed that you even ask, dude. She's in the fucking Italian Riviera right now. Yeah. She's in the Italian Riviera. I do. Yeah, dude. Yeah, she's on the poop cruise.

I'm like, why? I'm just using me. She's on the poop cruise right now. Dude. Boop crews is the best movie. I got to watch that too. Have you seen it? I want to see it, but I can't see it at home because Alyssa has a poop phobia.

Really? Yeah. No anal. That's hilarious. Dude. Can I say something? Sorry. Enal's not that great.

I've never done it, but I. You can't say if you've never done it. Yeah. What are you talking? That's true. That's true. I can't say it. I bow out of this conversation. The funniest thing about poop, have you seen poop crews? I haven't seen it yet. I tried. Did I tell you this? We talked about it on my podcast where I tried to watch it and I like sat down with food. And I was like, surely they're not going to get into the poop right away. And it was like the minute in it was like, it was the poop cruise. There was poop and shit everywhere. Yeah. It was like monster match. It was a poop cruise. It was a graveyard smash. It was a, it was a graveyard smash. It was.

Poop Cruz there was poop in my ass in my pants I pooped my pants Why I used to try to do a joke about this I like open mics I would try to do this But I was like when did we decide that that was the scary voice Like when did when who who was the person who heard Oh I'm gonna suck your blood and go That's scary voice

Let's go Why don't you do with that? I don't know Bring it back. Bring it back. Bring it back. That's so funny. You go,

you go, hello. Yeah, because it's a classic thing. Why is that voice scary? Yeah, why is that voice scary? I think it's probably from,

I would guess it's from Scooby-Doo. I actually think it's probably from one of the early Dracula movies. They probably gave him that. The Transylvania, yeah. Scooby-Doo. Yeah, the poor Transylvanians.

Right, because it's a real place. Which is crazy. How many parents did, like, raise their kids like, how like black parents have to like say to their kids like things are going to be different for you da da da da da da da da you think parents from transylvania have to go people are going to be very scared of your voice I thought people were going to be like when the cops come around just listen

to them don't fight dangerous you have no idea if they have silver bullets you go mom that's werewolves I don't know your father was a werewolf I don't know I'm gay What are you kidding? What are you kidding? I'm a werewolf. A werewolf show list. Marty, we turned into wolves in the moonlight. Marty, that's a full moon.

What are you kidding? What are you kidding? Mark, I can't do the podcast. What are you kidding? I told Mark. I told Mark, I'm a werewolf. He said that's fine. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, I'm a vampire. Hey, hey, I'm a vampire. You're going to have to let me in. What the hell is that? Now, what the hell? We're only allowed to come into a house if we're invited. And that's not fair. What the hell is that?

And what the hell is that? That's not fair. Winner! Litter! Vampire mark. I mean, that's gold. This is a great bit. What if I don't like blood?

Well, that's not fair. What the hell is that? Nobody ever said that, what if I don't want to drink blood? If a regular guy drinks blood, they get mad. What the hell is that? Now, what the hell is that? Why do you have to drink blood from a? person's body. Well, what the hell is that? Why can't a man vampire drink blood? Well, that's

not fair. I did drink blood in Chelsea, and then I got to get the blood tested first. That wouldn't be a marked joke. He goes, well, I hope I'm not. I don't live in San Francisco. Now, what the hell is that? These are jokes. Hey, these are just jokes. Hey. What are you kidding? This is a full moon. What are you kidding? Oh my God, my arms turned hair. all of a sudden, I don't have an hair on my arms all of a sudden. I love Joe. Joe's a great dude. So's Mark, but I love Joe. Yes.

Man, that is good stuff. That made me that really tickled me. I was trying to do with Sam Marrell. What monster would he be? Sam would be the, a mummy. I'm a mummy. I'm a mummy. No, what would he be? He'd be like a, I'm a ghost. I'm a, I'm a foieky, I'm a foiegy ghost. He doesn't talk like a five-year-old with a speech impediment.

I'm a weakie ghost And I love Dwarwing And I love I'm a baby What I love I love whiskey I don't know Sam well enough

I'm not close enough With Sam Yeah I don't want to do it I'm not close with Sam I don't want to do an impression What We were doing monsters We're doing yeah

I'm a baby Oh Him is a mummy though I do like that zone If we could go back to him as a mummy Yeah, that would be funny. Comics as monsters are very funny. Oh, God.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You don't know which one I am, Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. Who's another one? Well, I'd want to be... Oh, now you're in it. Yeah, I don't know, man. It's kind of more of that generation of guys. We're talking about like headliners.

Yeah, it's kind of not the new classic guys coming in. They're not really talking about the internet. We're not talking about the up-and-comers. The up-and-coming internet guys. The 40-year-old up-and-comers. I'm just breaking now, man, it's okay I just got new faces, man Boogie, man

Now you read the email all wrong They said, can you have a new face We did the mash Ian's going to Montreal for the first time Montreal But you've done the comedy nest before, right? No, never been there? Never done comedy in Montreal

The festival is really fun You're going to have a good time Yeah Yeah, I go up Wednesday. I get there Wednesday after noon. When are you going next week? Yeah. Wow. They really tell, when did they tell you? When did you get booked for this? Saturday. Wow. Damn. That's awesome.

I'm stoked. That'll be fun. Yeah. I'm so excited. Congratulations, man. Thanks, man. I'm so excited. I've wanted it for so long. Yeah, we're happy for you, brother. Thanks. You're doing it. You're doing great. It's going to be really fun. And listen, man, you've always been. I'm excited to go up there and hang out. What? You always been a good guy. You always been a funny guy. They actually thought they were booking the little green monster. that their mascot is Luke all of a sudden it looks

he go I gotta kill him I gotta go to my I gotta get a plane ticket I know you know they're a little like mascot monster he kind of does look like Ian

we're so sorry we thought you were the little green guy we thought you were the little green mascot monster that's okay happens all the time now man

congratulations yeah what I don't know You're very cold or something Yeah you go I'm cold to the touch Don't you know that?

Don't you know that man? I hate you See you ladies Oh god Man well this is This is good stuff man Should we move over to Patreon? Yeah let's move over to Patreon

Are we supposed to call it as the guests? Why don't you are I feel like I'm kind of like a mic on the You know I feel like a guest Yeah Well if I lived here I feel like this is my podcast I lived here

Maybe you and I could Kind of be like not on the couch all the time, but maybe we could cut holes in the wall and we could pop your faces. There are two corners and need two faces. Scooby-doo. Scooby-do monsters. Like, we're behind the thing. I don't want to be a permanent mic, but I would love to be moving eyes that follow you. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you press a book. You press a book in the bookshel flips. Ian and Jordan with friends. Yeah. I'd love to be wearing a mask that you rip off when you find out it's me. Yeah, I would have done it if it were for those meddling kids and

they're dog. Well, if you can, You and Jordan could work as a team. You would know that you could build this as an empire and have like a podcast with us under your... Oh, and network. Like, B&E and with Jordan presents. There's a lot of places to do that now. The Luke and Brendan Goatcast.

Comedy Hour. Comedy Hour. We go, hello, everybody. Welcome to Luke and Brandy Comedy Hour. Hey, how's it going, everybody? But you can't work as a team because you're egos. This has to be the only podcast in the country where you haven't seen your co-host in... Fucking ego are you talking about.

Nine months. Oh, sorry. I meant egos. I'm hungry. I've been eating I've been eating eggs lately And they've been so good This is the worst topic of all time

We're trying to land the plane We're trying to end the podcast He's going on your audition for our podcast network Just went through the shitter By the way, I love eggs This has really turned into a poop cruise A train wrecked What do you want them to get their eyes on?

Look, when does this come out? Please soon Please. Two weeks. Okay, well, two weeks. August 3rd, I will be at the Empire Comedy Club in Portland, Maine. Oh, that's the best room. You're going to have so much. I cannot wait. Go to High Roller. They have amazing lobster rolls. Oh, great. I'm not really a seafood guy, to be honest. Well, you can go and you can. I know it sucks. Go to the docks. I like shrimp. I like crab a little bit. They have great shrimp. You feel like crab. You like lobster. Well, I'm going to go have a good time. And please come out. you're looking to see me, I hope. I think I got a funny act. So come on out. I think it's pretty good. And thanks. And yeah, let's just, because it's a fucking one-nighter. So I guess they're just

trying to see if I can sell tickets and then next year to do a full weekend. So we'll see. We'll see. Come on out to that. Empirecomedyclub.com because my people have not put it on the website. I don't think so. Might be on my website. Brennan sagdata.com. Check out my podcast, Sagdaddy de pod. And follow me on Instagram and all that stuff. That's it right. Luke. Punchop. Dot Live. Luke Monis.

I'm going to be August 1st. I'm going to be in Houston. Then August 2nd. I'm going to be in New Orleans. And then where else? Oh, Zaney, Chicago. That just got announced. Come to that.

When is that? That's in October. And then I think we're doing a show in Denver in September. So I'm just going to say cities because I don't remember the name. And then what's the other, what fuck? look on my punch up. It's all on there. I forget, but I love you. Ian Fidance.com

for all my dates. I will be at Healy and Buffalo August 1st to 3rd. Chicago Zanis August you'll see. And then Oxnard Levity Livety Live, Irvine Improv Fort Wayne, Indiana, Summit City,

Providence, San Diego, New Year's Eve. I got a ton of dates. Eamfinance.com and YouTube. com slash ian finance comedy where you get my travel show once we get enough subscribers it's where all my standups going patreon.com slash beanie and pod check jordan out on the road punchup dot live slash jordan jensen for all her dates grab tickets to see her in europe her special comes out september 9th and uh we'll see you next week thanks so much love you guys bye bye It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore.