Bellied Up - The Midwest's Most Interesting Cow Breeder #205

Episode Date: June 18, 2026

We're hanging out at American Legion Post 431 in Three Lakes, WI. Marley, is a professional cow breeder looking for some hints, tips and tricks on her stand-up comedy. Plus, Scott calls in to share a story about an intimate scenario with his brother.Go to shadyrays.com and use code belliedup for 50% off 2+ pairs of polarizedsunglasses. #adWanna call in? Leave us a voicemail: 218-303-5095

All right, folks, welcome back to Bellied Up Podcasts. Our buddy Jeff here at the American Legion here in Three Lakes, Wisconsin made us some duck fart shots here. Hey, this is to Jeff. To Jeff and everyone here. Cheers. Cheers. Thank you guys. All right. Oh, God, that's good.

Jeff, what, for folks who don't know, what is in a duck fart? Kaluah, Bailey, and drizzle with whiskey. It is good. All right. Well, that's delicious. Thank you, sir. Really appreciate you. I really like the duck fart shop because my dad makes a mean white Russian,

and it's just like white Russian, but in shot form, in my opinion. Just a nice shot of dairy and booze. The Wisconsin way. Dairy and booze. That should be on your guys' license plate, not America's dairy land. It should be home of dairy and booze. Yeah, no better combination. The best combination since peanut butter and pickles, folks.

But it's good to have you here. I'm excited to be back here, Miles. Episode two we've shot here. And we got that beautiful sound of bar dice rolling through the bar, which is nice. Yeah. Good background ambient noise. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And speaking of bar dice, I was going to talk to you today about, you know, Midwesterners are known for being nice folk. Uh-huh. Yeah. But doesn't mean us Midwesterns don't get a little mad once in a while. Oh, no. We can steam up on the inside. If you ever been at a bar when, uh, and someone

loads another person's dice cup? I was just going to say that. I was just going to say that. That is one way to really piss off a Midwestern. Yeah. That's like, that's like, if you want to make a Midwestern mad, you'll load their dice cup for them. That's as bad as pop and open the junk drawer and not finding any C batteries. Yeah, yeah.

Not having a plethora of batteries in the junk drawer. Yeah. And organizing a junk drawer, we're also making Midwestern or man. Are you crazy? Yeah. How will I know where anything is? Correct. You know?

What's it going to be in a place that it should be? Yeah. How long's that going to last? Come on. How long's that going to last? I mean, for guys' sakes, I got to know, do not. ever throw away the key that I don't know what it goes to because someday I'm going to remember what that key goes to. That's true. You know, someday I'm going to remember the combination to that

closed combination lot. I even have a key that I know what it's for. Uh-huh. And I don't have access to that building anymore and I still keep it. Because someday you might want to break in. That's true. And then they threw your key away. What if we come full circle and I got access to the building again? Then I don't need to make another key. Yeah. And you never know. No, there's a, there's a, There's a few things that kind of get you going. What else gets a Midwestern or mad? Well, one thing they can really get a Midwestern or mad is if you're driving down a dark country road at night and someone's got their brights shaking up and they're not taking them

off, you know, 300 feet in front of you. Like I'm looking out for deer and you're looking out for deer, but if we're both blind, we're both going to be, you know, and if we do that, I'm taking the backstraps, you know. That's true. and it's like and then it turns into a pinball situation for the deer hits you hits them and now you're both stuck with it yeah you're just stuck with it sorry I was putting some gum in their mouth your breath does stink I want my breath to smell better for you was laughing out what you were saying yeah that old deer pinball there's another thing about deer when someone says I hit

a deer and I'm like well what what happened to the deer and they're like I don't know how do you not know. How do you not, you're just going to let your groceries run off back into the woods? I mean, for guys' sakes. Another thing that really steams my goat miles. When people take off, what? What are we laughing about? I just never heard that term before. Oh, you never had a steam goat? Well, no, I just never heard it used that way. Well, some that really steams my goat miles is when people destroy beautiful Midwest basements by taking off the wood paneling and putting up drywall. Okay. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Putting dry wall in your basement or really pissed off a Midwestern. Yeah. What do you think this? You know, we've lost so many great wood panel walls over the years. We lost so many good mold-trittled walls over the years. many you know we lost that that musty smell in basements yeah you know now it all just smells like nothing

no it it smells like a home depot which you know whatever come on now come on anything can smell like that but you had you had the scent of someone else's grandpa down there and you took it out you know the other thing that really grinds my gears to a halt miles is when people take the carpeting off the upper end of the wall. You know, when they have that carpeted wall and they think they're going to modernize it. I mean, I'm just going on home renovation stuff here, but it really got me off the ticker with that one wooden wall situation. Here's another thing that really jerks my chain into the wrong direction, Miles,

is when you go into a bar and they don't have enough things screwed to the wall, you know? Yeah. I mean, you got it, that's like you go to the store. I just looking around and pointing stuff out again, Chuck. That makes you mad? No, it really jerks my chain in the wrong direction is what I said. It's like taking a nice bicycle to the grocery store and not locking it up. You know, you got to have respect for your things because if you got nice things,

people are going to want to take it. I think something that pisses off from Midwesterners, is when they travel outside of the Midwest, and they don't have their beer. They don't have their beer. Like when I travel outside the Midwest and I go into a bar and ask for a bushlight and they ask me what that even is,

that grinds me up a wall. That just grinds you right up the wall. Yeah, I hate it when you get your melon torched like that, you know. Yeah. Don't torque my melon. Does that ever happen to you? Oh, has that happened to me? Try asking for a line's light down there in Texas.

They don't even know what I'm talking about. They think I'm asking for cigarettes. I'm bellied up to the swim up bar in Cabo and they and they don't got any bush light. What in the heck is going on? Yeah, dosakis. Yeah, dosa keys. What is Spanish for Miller genuine draft, my guy?

Hi, aye, aye, aye. Aye, aye, aye. Aye, aye. Oh. You know, Miles? Um, I think another. Something that spanks my monkey and. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's a wrong terminology. But you never want, if you owned a monkey, you won't want any of one spanking that monkey. That's animal abuse. And something that really spanks my monkey mouse is when they dust in the antique store. What are you doing? Now I know these things are overpriced. This segment isn't stuff that makes you mad. It's the stuff that makes all Midwesterners, man.

Well, find me one Midwesterner that likes. a well-dusted antique store. That just tells me you're curating it and overpricing it. If I walk into a well-dusted antique store or flea-market, I know that you're charging twice as much as you should for that tire iron. I don't care if it's from 1946. It's only worth $3.5.5. Don't go charging me $20 because some hipster wants to hang it on the wall.

It's still got some good use out of it. Right, Miles? That's right. what else chaps your cheeks well miles thank you for asking i was curious if you were ever going to really want to know what chap my cheeks but uh i'll tell you this much when you buy one of those new cars you know and they don't put a spare tire in it that chaps my cheeks cracked right there a deep crack that i need baseline or utter butter to help you know you ever put other butter on your chapsed I have not.

That's something else that really cranks my yolk, you know? I don't know how many more of these I got in me, but, oh. Miles, what's something else that just sprinkles your sprocket? Something else that sprinkles my sprocket? You ever have a sprinkled sprocket, rocket there, Miles? something else that'll sprinkle of Midwestern or Sprocket is, you know, some chain thing moving into town and ruining all the local business. Yeah.

Dollar General. Yeah. Those Applebee's, you know, all those just ruining the Monpaw shops in town. Yeah, yeah. Where did Applebee's get its name originally, you know? a park that someone didn't pick up after their picnic, you know. Bees love an apple in the summer miles. I gathered that.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know what, screw it. What else does you just, what else really stubs your toe? Stubing my toe? Not Midwest or just Charlie Barron's in general. Oh,

what else stubs your toe? I mean, we could go around the horn on this one, Miles. the horn. Well, you could go around the horn on this one. You know, what I don't like is when someone borrows your big coat and doesn't leave you anything in the pockets to be like, ah, I didn't wear this coat the last time, you know? So you're saying that if I borrowed your coat, you would expect me to throw a 20 in the pocket? I'm not saying a 20, maybe just a receipt,

so I have a little mystery to solve. Okay. When the hell did I buy that? When the hell did I buy that? Mm-hmm. That way, if I'm fishing or hunting or something, I got a little something to chew on for a bit, you know, keep the mind occupied. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. All right. Got anything else, Chuck? What? What makes me angry? Nothing else that really... Nothing else that really... Chives my onion? I'll tell you, Miles, there's some stuff that does chive my onion. It's when you go to an airport. And you don't have an accurate, you don't have a good enough place to just sit down and recombulate yourself. Is that why you like flying to the Milwaukee airport? You got to have a recombolation area. And if you don't have one of those, I don't even know what we're doing here. Why don't more airports put in a recombobab area?

I think that bars should start having a recombulation area. Yeah, like right outside. Look, they got one right here. Like they got a nice breezeway that you go recombobulate your time. You know, it's usually for people that have had maybe one, too many beers. Uh-huh. And they're starting to look a little white in the face. They need to go recombulate with some fresh air.

It could be a good move. That is a great move. Yeah. You know, something else that just jerks my Jones miles is when I'm out there fishing, you know. There's another boat, and they kind of see that you're bringing some stuff in. So they just sort of creep a little bit more toward you. They creep within that. A fisherman creep, I think we call that.

The fisherman creep, and you know they're glassing too. You know, they got some high-powered spectacles in there, some bin-knocks. They're seeing what I'm bringing in the boat and they're just creeping over, you know? And I want you to be honest, Chuck. Mm-hmm. Yes. Has there ever, ever been a time where you're bringing in enough keepers that someone's actually going closer to you? Yeah.

It happened this past weekend. Now, there were other people in the boat. It was your dad bringing in it. Yeah, it was my daddy got that 26-inch walleye. We'll be talking about that for a while. I've heard you tell about 18 different people since it happened. That's not enough people. I'm not, hey, let me finish my statement.

Yeah. If you know anyone that's caught a 26 inch walleye, you can tell as many people as you want. Sure, yeah. I was fishing about him. Well, my dad. You didn't do that yesterday. I did, yeah.

I got some good. good eaters. Nice. Yeah. Well, Chuck, should we do some calls? Yeah, let's do some calls. Miles, I'll tell you this.

Summer leagues are back. You got golf softball. Pickle ball. Baseball. Baseball. Racquet ball. Cornball. Have you seen cornball?

No. It's like cornhole with balls. Anyways, everyone's just trying to get outside, have a good time. But sometimes it's not the game that gets you. It's the condition. You've got uneven ground that hasn't been fixed, wet walkways around clubhouses, poorly maintained fields or golf cart paths that are more pothole than pavement.

And you can be, my voice cracked there, you can be doing everything right and still at a bad spot, slip, fall, shake hard turn, bam boom. Yeah. What's supposed to be a normal summer night turns into a real injury fest because something wasn't taking care of the way it should have been. and you didn't stretch. If that happened, Nicolay law is who you call.

Nicolaylaw.com or 1-855 Nicolay. Mew-W-T. Take me out to the ball game. Take me out to the crowd. Folks, if you're going to a ball game this summer, some shady, buy me some crackers. Cracker Jack.

What is it again? Buy me some peanuts and shady rays. I don't care if it rains today. Although that would be a bummer. Because I got these sunglasses on. Guys, if you're going out to the ball game this summer, you got to have some shady rays ready to roll. Because last thing you want is to be.

sitting in the outfield and a home run happens. And it's right into the sun and you get a baseball square between the eyes. Don't let that happen, folks. Those baseballs coming faster than you think. And you want to cut that glare with these polarized, badass glasses. And bring your glove too. Your mitt, that might help. Otherwise, you'll break a hand.

But whether you got a mitt or not, you can watch that ball. Just go right into the hand. And you got yourself a homer. Yes. And so if you're going out to the ballgame, pick yourself up some Shady Raise at Shadyrays.com. Use code bellied up for 40% off two or more polarized glasses. And you're going to be looking good at the ball game. Heck yeah.

What up, Marley? How's it hanging? Oh, wonderful. We just got done knocking up some fat red-headed virgins and cutting our extra teeth off. Wait. Can you say that again? I bred some red-headed fat red-headed virgins, and we also cut their extra teeth off. Are you on speakerphone, Marley?

Because what I think you're saying, I'm not trying to repeat without it coming out of your mouth first. Let me switch it. Yeah. Yeah, finish closing that door. Can you hear me better? Yeah, so much better. Yeah. Ooh.

Ooh. All right. What are you doing? I just got done knocking up some fat red-headed virgins and removing their extra teeth. Gotcha. I thought you had said that. Yeah. But now I hear what I thought he said.

Yeah. So for people who don't know what exactly that means, do you want to just sort of elaborate? Well, how poorly do you want me to elaborate or do you want me to get technical? Get technical. Oh, okay. I was hoping you'd pick the other one. I forgot. This is a family show.

So I inseminated some fat redheads in translation, some red angus beef hafers. And we removed because some of them grow an extra teat. We remove them so the calf doesn't get confused and uses one that doesn't have any milk in it. Oh, that's really nice. go. That's really nice. Yeah. So you're just another day on the job, huh? Oh, yeah. Just punching ass and slinging some jizz. Put that on a t-shirt. You could. Do you think we can sell that? I bet you could sell it. Yeah, that jizz is expensive these days. Isn't there? What's the cost of full spunk these days? Well, it depends, man. Like, you can get them for four bucks all the way up to a thousand. So, like, you stick the AI guns.

in your shirt and sometimes I have a really expensive pearl necklace. My husband doesn't need, my husband doesn't need to buy me any jewelry. Oh my God. Well, right. We're getting there, aren't we, Marley? Yikes. Yeah. Well, belly on up to the bar with us and maybe wash your hands first, but or don't.

We just had a duck fart. Maybe you can make your own. It smells like money. What do you mean? Smells like money. Yeah. No, I get it. I get it.

I make a living digging around in the wrong end of a cow. So, I mean, kind of nose blind. Hey, who says it's the wrong end? You know, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but I'll just take the cow's word for it. Yeah, there you go, Miles. There you go. Sounds like some of your dad said to you.

Well, Marley. That's not what that's from. I don't know. But what's it from? Tommy Boy. Oh, it's from Tommy Boy. See? So that does kind of sound, you know, like your dad owns the business. What if you took over the family business? You know what's funny is like you are Tommy Boy at times. I'm Tommy Boy. You're Tommy Boy. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. I would have to take over the family business. Yeah, I know. It's anyway. Just the dynamics, the comedic dynamics of the show. Personality-wise.

Oh, thank you. That's a compliment. Thank you, Miles. Marley, belly on a, oh, go ahead. Okay. It's funny. It's funny. You bring up the family. business thing because what I needed help with was a hot three for I was going to try out comedy. Well, you got a hot one right there. Just start off with that one. How long have you been in the farming business? Oh, I was born into it. I come from a family of six generation farmers other than my mummy. She's foreign. Okay. Nice. But on the paternal side, yeah, a lot of farmers. Sure. Yeah. Your mom is foreign. Is that what you said? Yeah, I'm white, by the way.

I know a lot of people think you got to be some shade of brown to be, I have a foreign mother, but no, she's Canadian. Oh, Canadian. Got it. Sure. All right. Well, I think we're off to a good start here with your hot tree, Marley. Yeah, you know, I'll tell you this much, there's a lot, a lot of farming events around the country.

And if you're a comedian specializing in the farm. You would make a killing. So I think you really embrace your background here. And you're already doing it. Just write a bunch of facts about yourself. Add some punchlines and boom, you're in. Where do you live? I mean, I live, well, I'm from Albany, Wisconsin.

Uh-huh. It's a tiny town like 45 minutes south of Madison. I actually graduated with 17 kids in my class. Nice. So everybody, are you yawning? I know he did do a dad's side right there. I just forgot to breathe for a while. Yeah, he does that.

We discussed that in a previous podcast. Yeah, he does that from time to time. Once you have a child, you just forget to breathe once in a while and it comes out in the sound of a sigh. He was getting oxygen, Marley. I leaned up and then my diaphragm compressed and pushed the air out of my mouth. We had a duck fart. So that was, it was a post. My kids, my kid step on.

ducks all the time. And let me tell you what, there's some raunchy ducks around our house. Nice. All right. Yeah. Good info. Yeah, that is good info. No, but that's great. You can even just head on up to Madison. They got a great club there, comedy on state. Have you done any open mics over there? No. See, I have yet to pop my cherry and bomb on stage. But, you know, so here's how I got it started. So my chiropractic. is kind of dabbles in comedy and a local bar. I hope you're getting a coupon over there. Oh my God, dude.

I just, I'm trying to imagine a set from a chiropractor and that is tough sledding. Hey, here's a chiropractor joke. How's a chiropractor give a happy ending? Anyways. Okay. So he got me.

There is supposed to be at a bar in Monrector. row. They're supposed to do an open mic night, like a hot three. And they kept pushing it back, pushing it back. Oh, you got your set ready? Yeah, I've been working on it. Yeah, you never, they never ended up having it yet. I keep getting told maybe next month. But we want to hear your hot three then. Okay. Well, I got to put you on speaker phone. I have it written down because it's been so long. I want to get it right. Yeah. That's fine. We want to hear every word too. So put us back Can you just do the shoulder to the year moment here for us or no? No, I can.

Is this too much? No, you're good. Okay. All right. Hold on to your buckles, boys. All right. Evening, everyone. Hope you signed an NDA or at least a waiver for this.

Oh, it won't be so bad. For years, men have been disappointing women in way less time than my awkward ass will in the next three minutes. So a little about me. I'm an only child. Explains a lot. My parents made perfection on the first try, obviously. However, I was one of six growing up in my nut house. It was my mom, Thomas, aunt, grandma, grandpa, yada, yada.

A little more detail is needed. My wonderful mummy is a foreigner, a five-foot-nothing Canadian cougar, if you will. She is 16 years younger than Thomas. My mom is a brilliantly intelligent saint that walks among us. Unfortunately, she has a questionable taste in mind. So now getting to Thomas, her husband, aka my biological father. Excuse me for that. My daddy issues are coming out.

Now, Thomas stands 6 foot 7 and around 400 to 450 pounds, Fun fact. Big fucker. Tall drink of milk. Holy smokes. I go milkshake. Fun fact. He was the second biggest high school football player in the nation.

He was pretty tore up about being first place loser. However, he currently holds the number one title for, pause for dramatic effect, the world's biggest sugar baby. Seriously have no idea. how the hell he took the crown. He is not even cute. I do have an educated guest, though. Like, he does that bang she likes.

Like, imagine a chihuahua fucking a St. Bernard. Oh, yeah. I'll let your imagination wander on Mr. Pegatron. Now, I was hoping to follow in the footsteps of the family business of Sugar Baby, I didn't quite have the knack for like the old man, but in the same vein, I do butt stuff for a living. Now, now, to poorly explain my career, I punch ass and sling jizz, local lesbian legend. I used to drive a Subaru, by the way, bovine prostitute. In professional terms, I'm an artificial insemination technician.

I can't say AI tech anymore because people get weird. back in the day, folks used to think that this was a man's job. However, how many men do you know could handle being in this much pussy? No. To all the playboys out there, how many women have you been with? Anyone? Well, brother, I really don't give them to look how many women you've disappointed. That's not the badge of honor you think it is.

Now me personally, I'm closing in on 70,000 bitches D-Ped and cream pie. No, no, no. I'm quite the lover. The service my ladies, I service my ladies even when they're laying down and don't want to get up. A pillow princess, if you will. Some of the old guys are mind-blowed by this revelation. You can't get cows pregnant like that. Oh, like, dude, how do you think you were made?

Some other stories from the grindstone include, but are not limiting to. Wow, you got a bread real quick. Thanks. I come quick. It's one in my many talents. The occasional beller for me, baby. Or, how do you breed cows with such a bent up crooked gun? is curved for her pleasure.

Now, sometimes hard breeding cows or cows with like multiple services, we use a method that my farmers have became very familiar with. It is called, in professional terms, a gang bang. So basically we use two different baby daddies at once and the cherry on top. When I pull out, I spit on her back and I call her a good girl. So you gotta mix it up a bit. You know, who am I to kink shame or yuck? Someone else is yum.

And, you know, I always used to say if breeding cows didn't work out, that I'd get into comedy. But, you know, for the hot mess, this has been and everyone bombing their first time. I think, though, I do have potential to work at Amazon. I do have a lot of experience handling boxes. All right. Hey, nice.

Nice job. Very nice job. So that was, did we time that one? No, okay. Nice work. Yeah, really good. You got a lot of good stuff to work with on there. Charlie, okay, here we go.

I'm going to ask you some questions about it. Is that okay? Sure, yeah. My question is, so the voice that she used was kind of a sing-song news. like she was reading a news segment? Yeah. What do you think of that? Is that kind of her own style?

Do you, what do you think? Well, I'm going to put that question right on. It's Marley, right? Marley. Like Bob. Like Bob. Got it. Got it.

Did you know you were kind of doing that sort of theater sort of delivery? That's kind of how, well, you know, a lot of kids from my high school graduated without being able to read. So that's kind of like my cousin. summer service voice while reading. Got it, got it. So I think the first thing you're going to want to do is sort of memorize and internalize your bit here and then deliver it the way you're talking to us right now. Because if you deliver it on stage, it's very funny, by the way, there's a lot of good stuff in there.

There's some good stuff in there. But it's sort of like the less you think, the less you're presenting it, the less you almost. if the audience the more naturally you say it the more it's going to hit yeah exactly okay exactly so the more you just say it in your voice and also you wrote it

like a book or like a it felt like you're reading a story about your life yeah so you want to just kind of break it up because a lot of your punch lines it's called a punchline because it's at the end of the line and you kind of have a lot of your punchlines in the middle of these

sentences so So you kind of want to move your punchlines to the end of the sentence, which is sort of a technical thing, but it'll help. And before you, what do you look like? I'm a 510 redhead who's built like a shit brick house. Good, good. I'm kind of, well, I'm a day walker, ginger. Okay. Yeah.

Like that episode of South Park, like I got to dye my eyebrows and my eyes. eyelashes or else the re-gengingification happens. That cadence that you just did there was great. Yeah, yeah, you want to listen back to this. Listen back to this podcast when it comes out because you'll hear the difference. But an easy thing to do is saying a little bit about me is kind of a, that's sort of a trope that a lot of people do when they first start off and stand up. So a better way of doing that is saying, and this is also a trope, but it's kind of a good one

when you're first starting off is say, I know what you're thinking, I look like blank and then write a joke sort of about yourself, you know? Because the easiest jokes in comedy are like recognition and the easiest thing to do is... I look like little Debbie grew up to be big Debra. You know, something like that.

Yeah, riff that. Do, do like... Or what I riffed like with my daddy issues, like, you know, I look like everyone's typical red-headed stepchild except I was the actual child or is that too forward no I mean I I think that's

well tell me more about that situation like what what is because I was a little confused like like people are yeah the the sugar baby I was confused about you got to build up to that situation I thought I thought it was well

described in like you know you know do you know what a sugar baby is because my chiropractor knocked me on that one too and I'm like I thought that was kind of well you know I'm a little bit younger than you guys well sugar baby yeah it's like he's getting money from his like she pays the bills right that's yeah yeah yeah he's a stay at home husband you know like most people would think of like Hugh Hefner and like the bunnies they just got of you know occasionally put out and look cute you know they're kind of a showpiece um whereas he he ain't cute like that big

fucker got nothing cute about it i don't know how he does it like i hate the fucker but i kind envy him at the same time like he's cracked the code are we talking you heffner or your dad i don't call him my dad my mother's husband got it okay maybe lean into that yeah yeah before you even get into your dad though like let's exhaust you you know know like I want to know like you're standing up there you say you know you're redhead you're 510 so get some jokes on that and then give me the all the jokes on you exhaust those and then go into your family you know because you got to when you're going to do these open mics you're probably getting a three minutes set a five minute set or an eight minute set so you'll want to in the three minutes set just get all

the jokes about you out and then um what are the jokes? folks, you remember that she said. Obviously, the hands in the ass and a slinging jizz, that's a good line. Yeah. Did you like my Amazon line at the end? Yeah, the boxes. That's cute. That's cute. But I mean, it's kind of picking up something that's talking about something that isn't there, you know? Like, it's an imagined scenario. So it's kind of a tougher one to do. So really just keep it on you, your life, and the things that are most, like, authentic to you. And the beauty is, is you can listen back to this and you can hear which one got the biggest laugh.

Yeah. You got to step above already. Yeah, because it's hard because I can't see you guys. And, like, normally I would read people and, like, their faces and whatnot. Yeah, yeah. I mean, number one rule of comedy is you end on your biggest joke, biggest laugh, correct? Mm-hmm. Your closer.

Yeah, yeah. But when you're doing open mics, you don't necessarily need to worry about a closer or anything. You're just trying to figure out what works, you know? And then once you have, yeah, like a 12 minute, then you really want to dial in your closer. But wouldn't you just, in general, want your best joke to go last?

No, you really want it up front when you're starting off so you get like momentum. Because if you go up there and you like bomb one off the top, the audience is going to tighten up and then every joke you deliver after is going to, You're not going to be you. You're going to be like self-conscious. So, I mean, you're doing the right thing.

You got a lot of stuff, good stuff written here. And you do want to just go bomb and kind of get that feeling under your belt. But also, yeah. I felt like you just gave way too much information. Like my brain had information overload. And instead of, I feel like you could have. And again, this is coming from a guy. who doesn't do stand-up comedy.

Well, because my biggest fear was, too, it's like people weren't really, like, people who know me, like, I've told this to, like, pass or buys and bars, like, when we were on my bachelorette party, I had a lot of practice in that night, liquidally motivated and all. But, like, you know, they kind of knew who I was. So I was, like, getting people, you know, who never met me or don't really, you know, just anyone who's just getting blasted with this. Like, I was afraid they wouldn't quite get it. Right, and I think that the thing is, is that if you have something that they don't get within a couple of lines,

you probably, it's probably a joke that's too niche or you maybe should rework it so it's simpler to grasp. Would you agree with that or not? Yeah, you want to write it as simple as possible for sure. I'm also confused. Did you say you're a lesbian? No, I breed cows for a living. So I tell my farmers I'm a daytime lesbian. Okay.

Because I just thought you were a lesbian after that set. I mean, I do lesbian shit. With the cows or? Yeah, it's girl on girl. Yeah, no, I get that. I think, but I think that's kind of to Miles' point. We just want to break it down and really fully understand you. So like, it's almost like, all right, I'm going to do a section about how it seems like I'm a lesbian, but I'm not actually.

You know what I mean? And just focus on that and make some jokes. about that. You know what I mean? Yeah, because I was hoping, like, I know it's not something,

I wanted, like, a lot of hecklers, because I feel like that's where I, that's like my strong suit, because I tend to be kind of quick with, like, my rebuttals in that.

That's good. That's good. Yeah. They have the riffing on it. Yeah, just do your hot, just do your hot, hot three is,

it's just too crowd work done. Yeah, that, but I, how do you, how do you break in the crowdwork? How do I like warm them up? I just can't go in there dry.

Well, what do you do with the cows? See stuff like that? I use lube. I have a whole gallon in the back seat. Bring that up on stage. That's a great starting thing. Yeah. Hey, I was, I just got down with work.

I was on my way home. So I didn't have time to change. And then you plop a big thing of lube on there. That's your starting point. It's going to be the carrot top of. Well, no, just the one. And then you circle back in the ending joke is something about the loop, you know what I mean? Prop comedy.

Well, hey, at the same time, too, I was hoping, like, my style. Like, I feel like I'm kind of a Midwestern Theo Von meets, like, the raunchiness of Ralphie Mae. Okay. Okay. I like, can you see it or am I a little off? Okay. So what you just said, like, I'm like a Theo Vaughn meets the raunchiness of Ralphie Mae. like use that device to describe yourself.

I'm like so and so meets so and so, you know? Like you do do a quick punchline about how you look on stage and, and then like stick with with you. Let me ask you, do you have a boyfriend? I'm married. You're married? How long have you been married? Well, the first time or the second time?

First time. Okay. I'm married. So me and my husband. got legally married in July of last year. And then we got, um, had our formal wedding. So technically remarried on the, shit, what they was that? 25th.

You can't remember your anniversary. Dude. I had to think about it. Well, you know, when you've had two, it's just like, it's like your second child, you know, like, yeah. First one you care about the second one, you're like, yeah, this should work. out. Well, I was going to say last week, but it was a week before, right? Yeah. Oh, congratulations. Well, well, thank you. You know, actually, no, my, my husband's actually older than you, Charlie.

Well, what do you say? Oh, God. I see. She's trying her crowd work here, Miles. Didn't you just have a birthday? Yeah, I'm 39 now, 35. Yeah. It's okay. I met my husband when he was 39. That's when we got together. He's 41 now. I'm 28. Wow. What is your husband do? He's actually, well, so his official title, he's a, he's a farm sergeant. Okay. Hell yeah. Yeah. He's a herdsman at the DOC. So Department of Corrections. Good for him. Yeah. Actually, we met like five years ago when I was a relief reading. I didn't have my own area. So, his main breeders were leaf tech. And I met him and I was like, damn, that's a dilt.

And so I was like, I was hitting on him like the whole time. And I don't know if he was just that dense or what. But it like he would, well, he said he flirted with me back. As in like he would send me snapchats. Hey, are you a goldfish cracker? Because you're the snack that smiles back. Wow. I hate that.

He's not going to. Or two, it's sliding. He's not going to be able to do a hot three. I know that. He's a strong silent type. Or another one. He's like, I've flirted with you back then, like throughout the years. And I was like, oh, you mean like the screenshot of a Facebook post where there's a dildo found in a hayfield.

And you were like, is this yours? What was it? That one's funny. No, it wasn't mine. Just curious. Don't leave my, take good care of the toys. You know, you got to put them in the shed, you know, keep them clean. Just like equipment.

I mean, there was this thing where, oh, oh, you want to hear another good traumatic story? Yeah. So, you know, with your alone time toys, I don't know, you know, it's not really a thing for guys, but, you know, for all the ladies out there. A lot of them, I made the mistake of going in his room at the. at the cabin. Okay, Miles. He's not the only one here that does butt stuff. So anyways, so I moved home from college, you know, during the summer, I brought all my toys with, and they started going missing. And I'm like, what the hell? Well, then I was like, I must have lost him or forgot him at my apartment up in

college. And it was like, oh, no, I didn't. I found him. a couple years later, my fucking parents stole them. What? They ended up in their nightstand. Whoa. Yikes. You got to be kidding me. No, I wish I was.

This is my life, dude. Did you bring it up to them? How would you? Do you guys take anything from my room, specifically the thing that was vibrating? I don't know that one thing, too. I remember my mom telling me the one day she had a stomach ache and I was like, no shit, that thing. I think I pulled an ab muscle using it. I should have came with a warning label.

Now it all makes sense. So our moms listen to this, okay? Do you want me to make recommendations? No, God, please. No, no, no, no. Your mom tells you she has a stomach. you'll know there there'll be signs miles they'll be signs i see i think this could be included in your set you know i mean there's another there's other good pranks like one time the old man

ticked me off so i put um i put icy hot and his boxers did you know and i just didn't hold on no this is great i just didn't do one pair i didn't multiple pairs so he comes up the one day from the basement and you know he's just like grabbing himself you know he's like oh oh you know like as most dads do like wandering around and just their boxers um and he's like oh man i was like quit playing with yourself you sicko meaning i knew what he was feeling so he went downstairs he took a shower put on a fresh pair that were also icy hats and he's continued just the uncomfortable and he's like holy shit i got a rash yeah i'm like dude i don't i don't want to know about your rash but so he starts telling me he's

like your old lady gave me something and like i said my mom oh there's a deer uh my mom like a saint of a woman right who steals your dildos oh okay okay you know everyone think about what the nuns do all right what do the nuns do goes to the convent with their prayers. You ever see one with like a really large rosary and you're like, hmm. Oh, my God. You're talking to two Catholics here. Oh, my God.

I mean, I was also, so my mommy, she's a Bible thumper, bless her heart. I got to, she goes to church for the rest of us. I do have a Bible verse tattooed on my wrist, so I'm good. I was baptized in the Sugar River. Albany. If you ever want to go lovely place, lovely town, just don't go into the bathrooms at the park. There are needles in there. But anyhow, that water is raunchy. Like, it's dirty. Like, I invite you to come down and go tubing. Oh, yeah, you really sold it. Yeah, we'll be right over there. Dude, everyone comes to be in Albany, okay? I mean, it, like, people literally, like, the line goes across

the bridge wraps around by the bridge and I'm like really this place but people think it's awesome and also too is it tubing or floating it's whatever you want it to be I've heard both I've heard both float the river um you got a lot to unpack here Marley I'm gonna tell you that have you guys considered family counseling of any sort well I mean here's the here's the fun part a little more about me. And my husband might kill me for saying this because he's like, you know, this doesn't make me look good. Everything up until this point he's cool

with, but now it's now we're entering that territory. Got it. I'm an interesting creature. So they're like, you know, he used to only date crazy women. You know, like he'd see red flags and think it's a circus. Yeah. And I was like,

oh my gosh, how cute. I'm the first of his that was institutionalized. You literally have a Oh, really? You were okay. It was a mental brain. It was just in college. It was a whole thing. Basically, an officer didn't handle the traffic stop correctly. Right. I had a meltdown. And yeah, I got putting cups. And if you say to an officer like, ooh, tighter, you know, you get your face slammed into the hood while you're getting cuffed. Yep, there's some red flags with you, aside for the one just on your head. You've got more red flags than a Chinese consulate.

At least I don't have more chins than a Chinese phone book. Okay, there it was waiting for that one. There we go. We're just, we're touching them all today. Hey, I'm a reformed lady. I'm medicated. I'm a mom. I'm a good Christian girl.

You're a mom. With my prayers. I'm out here. How many kids do you have? Well, I have, we have a kind of yours and mine and soon to be ours kind of going on. Congratulations. Well, thank you. I have a daughter.

She's four. She's the carbon pappy of myself. Oh, and I'd also like to shout out my daughter's dad, Bailey. He's like hardcore listens to this podcast. Well, we've been, we've been. since day one. Let's go. Let's go.

So you guys were listening to this podcast back when you were married, you and Bailey? Oh, no. We were never married. Got it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. He's at.

Yeah. So, yeah, my husband's different than my daughter's dad. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're all cool. Peace love. Kumbaya with the world. I need to like visually see the map of this conversation. We've done.

truly follow it. We've gone in many directions. You know, at one point I thought she was a lesbian, then she said she's not, and said her mom's a saint, but then we found out that her mom's got sore abs from her sex toys. Where are we at? Well,

I've been, like people are always like, I tell them about stories of my life, and they're like, you're making this up. And I'm like, I don't think I'm that creative to make this up. Yeah.

No, I'm with you. Yeah. And I also have a bunch of buddies that also do farming, we're in a group chat together. And I was like fan girling over here. I'd be like, oh my gosh, I get to go on the bellied up podcast. And they're like, no way.

And they're like, can you get them to sing the Catholic him? Well, I mean, we would. But you really have defamed our, our religion. And I will raise you up on eagle swings. Oh my God. You to shine like the song. The song birds of your generation. In the palm of your age.

That was a good version. We really, we felt that. I think that was your longest one yet. Wow. We really had to cleanse ourselves of the things, the sacrilegious things you said about our nuns.

We're home today. We should swing through the confessional. We really should. We've had a humdinger here. To tell you the truth, Marley, I think you have a whole hour in you. But, and maybe some other things too.

I would say, yeah, final, I would just say simplify it down a little bit. Some of it was really wordy and hard to follow. So just keep it simple. Just pretend. Go up there and just talk to them the way you're talking to us right now. And don't burn your steps, you know. Don't go right into your stepfather. Mother's husband.

Yeah, whatever. Don't go into that. Don't go into that. Just, yeah, just keep it on you because you got plenty. I think you talk about you being just a basket of red full. legs, make some ginger jokes, and maybe you can close with the story about your, um, them finding your sex toys or something, but, yeah. Oh, I have another, could I, could I test out a really good ginger one for you? That was, okay, so the story is leading off the day my best friend

embarrassed me in front of a whole college lecture hall. So my best friend Sam and I, We went to college at the prestigious UW, UW River Falls. Great school. Yeah, Mu Yu, Dairy Science. So I had confessed some childhood trauma to her in the sense of I don't want to admit how old I was. So my family used to tell me of, do you know, guys know where freckles come from? Angel kisses. No, it's because you don't wipe.

your butt good. Oh, okay. That's what I, you know, and I'm, you know, being a day walker covered in them, right? And so I was pretty old when I figured out that's not where they came from. How old? I would probably say middle school. Wow. Yikes. Like, who's going to ask, oh, where they come from? And I'm like, because they don't like your butt good. Yeah. And then the other kids were laughing at me. So you're just, you're just in there wiping, wipe and wipe. and you're like they're not going away. Absolutely. I just keep getting more.

And I'm like, son of a bitch, I need a wet wipe or something. So anyhow, so here we are, you know, I confided in Sam. I thought we were cool and all.

So we're sitting, you know, in the back, you know, kind of upper level, big old ass lecture hall. Don't remember the subject. So here comes in

a brother of the cloth, a fellow ginger. And I mean, this guy was, I'm a day walker. This guy was a pure bread. All right. I'm talking like curly afro hair, big old boy, just plastered angel kisses all over his face, right? And so he's making his way up the stairs,

like kind of going in the front. And Sam's like, hey, hey, lecture is about to start, by the way. And I'm like, what? She's like, you see that guy? Yeah. He doesn't want to see. He's like, hearing up. And when I say, I just went,

because it caught me off guard. And all the heads spin to look at me and my cackle I just let out. And the professor's like, what's so funny? And here I am sitting there, hundreds of eyes at me, trying to be like, me? And he's like, yeah, what's so funny? What am I supposed to tell him, like, dude, like, oh, that guy don't wipe his ass very good.

that's why I have so many freckles. Like, so yeah. I did not say that by the way, but I was like, oh, shit. I was like, nothing,

nothing. Funny joke. Chair squeaked like a fart. I don't know. Well, you might want to say that story for, for, I think you,

that, that, I think you, you end that story. I think you just tell how you thought that. And so then you say that, um, you've had hemorrhoid,

hemorrhoids ever since you know something like that from all the wiping you know something right wrap that one up good yeah because i think on that story uh you keep it about you know no no do you go like as you can see i got tons of freckles so does anyone want to come up here and take a whiff you know something like that i i i i i can't believe that until you were in grade school what other shit did you believe oh man Oh, there are some good ones. I'm trying to think. Well, listen, here's what I think. I think that you've got a lot of potential. I think you, you just got to get up there and,

and kind of talk about yourself. Do you write a lot? Oh, no, I don't have time to. Well, start writing like 10 minutes a day, just write facts about yourself, add some punchlines, keep the simplest ones there, memorize 10 of them while you're driving to different, you know, bulls and, and are you collecting or are you just inseminating?

I am inseminating. All right. Well, on your way there, just practice those 10 lines. And I think you're going to have a really solid set. Yeah, the ladies love me. You know, Charlie, if you need any help in that department, you know. Yeah. Which department?

All the ladies, you know, or at least keeping them around. Like sometimes after I breed them, they just follow me around. I can't. They're worse than most people's exes. So, you know, if you need help with the retention, I got you. All right, Marley, thank you. That's very kind. You have a retention problem.

That's very kind of you. Thank you. But I think I'm excited. Yeah, get over to comedy on state and give it a go. They have open mics every week. Oh, boy, I can give you guys an update or maybe I'll get, you know, they'll kick me out or arrest me. Yes.

No. Either way, let us know. Yeah, call us back with it. We can't wait. No, boy. Well, if I get done breeding cows and you see me if I deliver your Amazon packages, you'll know. They'll be signed.

They keep me out. I had to get a job where I'm around cattle, not people. I would be an HR nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. What? No. Hey, you know, right?

I just am out here catcalling old guys. Yeah. All right. Well, we appreciate you calling in today. And good luck with your standup said. We'd love to know what happens. All right.

Big fan. Thank you, Marley. We're fan to you. Baby Daddy, we says hi. Yeah. No, don't miss me too much.

See you, Marley. Oh, man. Wow. I'm really glad that we don't, we didn't broadcast this podcast into the bar. Yeah.

I know. Yeah, she really went for it. I think she's got potential, Miles. I think she's got potential. A lot of loose strands on that one, you know? It just was, yeah. Tips a lot of a lot of icebergs. Simplify it down, pick some, pick some specific ones and slow it down a bit. Have confidence in the simple things.

My brain could catch up to everything she was saying. Yeah, she was, she's got a lot there, though. A lot there. I've got high hopes for her. All right. Should we do another call? Let's do it. Scott, how you doing?

I'm doing good. How are you, Charlie? Doing great, my guy. Miles and I, we hear you got a bike story. Why don't you belly on up to this bar and tell us all about it? So a few years ago, my grandpa, my grandpa goes through these phases. He's had the both through drone phase, went through bike phase, he went through shooting phase. He goes through all sorts of phases.

Yeah, so he's got ADHD. Yeah, yeah. so he he was going through his biker face he bought a new mountain bike or road bike something and he goes to our local bike shop grab some biker shorts off the shelf to try them on he's getting all the gear grab some biker shorts and sees a skid mark in one of the biker shorts in the spare of biker shorts he grabs did someone stop their bike on those shorts i don't know i think it was something on the inside of the shorts wow are you surprised i don't know Are you supposed to wear underwear with biker shorts? I think.

It's actually a great question for Chuck. Because Chuck's likes a set of bike or shorts. Well, and I've seen him wear them. I've seen him wear the biker shorts. I did it for a sketch. I did it for a sketch. And here's what I'll say about these biker shorts. He did it for a sketch,

but I will tell you he kept them on entirely too long after we were done shooting the sketch. You know, it's kind of like if it feels good, it feels good, Miles. Here's the thing. The thing about the bike or shorts is if you're on a bike for a long period of time, you do want some padding there. But I usually wear them

with shorts over because they don't have pockets on them, you know? But I do, usually I wear underwear underneath them. I don't know if most people do. Tell the truth, do you actually? I do actually. I really, I don't. don't have the typical biking.

So I'm not even sure if bikers do wear underwear underneath or not. I could see it go both ways. But clearly in this situation, this guy did not. And you would- He had a big accident. I don't know. Were they in the resale booth? Do you get a good price on them at least?

Well, he didn't buy them. But think about my grandpa. My grandpa's British. He was born in England. You moved here in the 80s. so he walks up to the desk I can just picture his accent he has tells him his shorts have a skittin

the shorts have a skittin mark he got them right off the hangers and hands him to the guy and the guy just basically like brushes it off he's like that's fine you can go hang them back up I don't think the worker like realized what he was looking at you know I think that

yeah that's nasty I don't know what else to say where was it bike store in Bountiful, Utah. I just north of Salt Lake. Okay. It is a bountiful land out there. Is your grandpa still biking? Also, shout out to your grandpa getting out on the horse. How old is he? It's a bike. He's now 69, I think. 69. That's what I'm saying. Bike, bicycle.

Yeah, he said getting on the horse. He's riding a bike. Yeah, I thought you're talking about a horse too. I'm like, I think you got there. We're not talking about horse. Are you guys both messing with me right now? You both screwing with me? You both pulling my goat here? Yeah. Steaming your goat, actually. Steaming my goat. That's wild.

Well... Yeah, he's not riding bike anymore. He's moved on to a different phase. What's his phase now? He's doing photography, like just taking photos. That's cool. Probably a more conducive thing for a 69-year-old. Did the skid marks really take him off the biking?

Honestly, I don't know. I think maybe he just got bored of that phase. he's moving right now and just getting rid of a lot of his stuff, like all his guns he had. Now, me and my brother's got some guns because he moved on a different phase. That's sweet. Yeah, that's awesome. You just get to collect all your grandpa's lost hobbies?

Yep. Got a drone from him. Give that one to my brother, got some guns. And he was, he was a little bit of like a threat or thought the world was going to end. So he had about 5,000 rounds of 12 games. H. And a sod off shotgun? He did have a tactical shotgun.

Tactical. Is that what we officially call those? No, it's like it's got like a five-round mag on it. It's like that's the name of them in tactical shotgun. It's a short barrel. It's not sought off. He bought it like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A short barrel. I got one of those. We call it the zombie killer. Yeah. It's got an 11 shell mag on it. That's insane. And it's a pistol grip.

That's insane. Pistol griff short barrel, 12-gauge shotgun with 11 round Meg. That's sweet. It is sweet. So hard to shoot. Especially with one hand. The problem about acquiring all his old stuff is he's got,

he like, he wasn't a hoarder, but he just had stuff. And we're like, we don't want that. But he just like dropping it off. at our house and I'm like, dude, I don't want this. This is like, give me an old table from the 90s.

Like, what am I supposed to do with this table? I got, I don't need this. Are you saying that stuff from the 90s is vintage now? Yeah, I'm calling you old. Fuck. First of all, I don't know how to identify a table from the 90s. No, it's just like some old card table. It's got to be old.

I know that. How old are you? 20. Oh. I guess that would be like me saying lawn chairs from the 80s. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I'm not,

my daily driver is a 1967 F100, so I'm a fan of old things. There you go, dude. Do you get that from your grandpa, too? I did not. He's not that big into cars. He will be at some point. Just wait a week.

That is true. How does he find his new hobbies? I don't know. He's not really on social media. I wonder if he just, I honestly don't know. You guys start signing him up for magazine subscriptions for things you want. So he gets into that hobby and then gets over it.

Then you can... I want him to get back into the gun hobby. I want more guns. There you go. So what are you going to school? Are you working? What's your deal? I'm working.

I'm actually working. You cut out. What did you say? I work. So I'm actually working right now. Where are you working? I work for a construction company. I do transport and logistics.

So I'm driving equipment right now. Okay. So you're getting some windshield time is what you're saying. Yep. Transport and logistics. So you're not just driving. You're working at the desk too, huh? No, more like a little bit, but mostly transport.

Okay. You just have the on the transit. Occasional logistics. Like, I got to get this shit out of the back. Just one logistic. Drive. Transportation and logistic. But that's it.

That's definitely his bar line there. You know, like, what do you do? I'm in transport and logistics. Ooh, this guy works for the mafia. That's cool. So where are you at and what you hauling then? I am just south of Salt Lake about 30 minutes south of Salt Lake. I'm hauling a mini excavator right now.

Oh, you get it from Team. or no? No, it's a cat one. Got it. Nice. That should work. You a Timo fan? Huh?

You a Timo fan? No, I just recently bought some stuff on Timo and me and Chuck tested out the tools that we bought. And so it's fresh on my brain. No. Oh, boy, you're talking to a Timo guy right here. I'm probably, I'm probably Tumu's number one customer. Okay. Were until Miles bought all this useless shit.

There is some insane. stuff on Timu. This hat's off Timu. I couldn't believe what I had walked into. I got the app and I was like, all right, for this video, we're going to find a drill. We're going to find a chainsaw, you know, all that stuff. And then I clicked on the men's clothing tab of Timu. And I tell you what, I was in over my head.

He got me a full cubic zirconium gold chain. Yeah, that was, yeah, I did. Sounds like you're just buying junk. Yes. I mean, that was half of the video was I was buying, you know, stuff for jokes. But I'll tell you this, it's a bad day to be a hot dog. Chuck's hat. Hey, you got that shirt?

No, you got the hat. I bought him the hat. He's wearing it right now. Yeah, you better call me the vet the way I be putting them dogs down. Being hot dog guy. But yeah, in the men's clothing. In the men's clothing section, I figured out where Chrissy Nome's husband got his outfits. That's what I learned.

You know, I like to buy off Timo. What? I buy my pocket knives off Timo because I lose them like crazy. I grab my knife and set it down when something is lost. I spend $10 by like four knives at a time and just after I lose one, go grab a new one. Have you tried keeping track your? knife ever. Charlie, you're one to talk.

Charlie goes through TSA with pocket knives. One time. I have done that. Twice, actually. Yeah, that's not ideal. You get a talking to on that for sure. I've ever been through TSA line without getting stopped. Really?

How many times have you flown? Quite often. Like I was flying, I flew last week and I got stopped for my boots. They're like, oh, there's something in your boots. I'm like, you're kidding me. You don't mean I can keep my shoes on. What are we talking about? I take them off.

They scan and there's nothing. Flying back home or flying there, my tooth face got stopped because I guess you can't take a full tube of a toothpaste. Nobody told me that. That's pretty standard. I mean, that's been probably a thing since, I don't know, 2001. Yeah, like 20 years. September 12th, 2001. Yeah.

What am I doing? I think of a gunpowder inside that? I suppose you're not even old enough to even know what we're talking about. You literally weren't born yet if you're 20. That is true. I do know what you're talking about. But no, I was not born yet.

What are we talking about? 9-11. There you go. No, but yeah, I mean, that was a big thing back in the days. They said the liquids. You got to limit how many liquids you're bringing through.

That is crazy. So you were born in 2006? Yep. Holy shit. And you're driving right now? Dear God. Yep. Better stay off the road, Charlie.

I know. We're getting old miles. Watch out for deer and 20-year-olds. What's the craziest thing you ever bought off Timo? Craziest thing. Brother asked me that last week. You know, I bought an axe off T-Mu. That's pretty standard T-Mu purchasing situation.

You're into the sharp things. Do you have steel-toe-toe-toe? boots? I do. Well, that's why you're... That's what set it off. Yeah. I mean... No, no, no, no. I wasn't even wearing my steel toes on the airplane. I've got my steel toes right now. God. Okay. All right. Well, are you buying your shoes off, Timo? Cheap out on stuff that keeps me between the ground and... Oh, there you go. There we go. You're getting miles excited over here with those kinds of statements.

Why a big shoe guy? No. I've said that exact thing. I feel like... Oh, really? Yeah. Miles is a mattress and sneakers guy. I got a funny story about that. Sure. Sure.

Let's hear it. So my brother got married about six months ago. And his now wife have gone through six mattresses in six months. They don't like the ones they buy. Okay. I didn't know if they were just using abusing them or if it was just a comfort thing. My brother's a big guy, six three, like 250, 250 pounds. And his wife's like five foot probably like 50 pounds.

I don't know. She's small. He's big. So she sinks into him when they sleep and kisses her up because she's like, you're hot. I want to keep my space. Like I want to stay cool. You need to tell them to get twin XL mattresses split king.

They need a split king. Oh, their place is big. Yeah, I'll let them know. But the reason I don't want them to is because I've been, they're going to firmer and firmer mattresses. and I don't know, I'm only 20, but I swear I've had back problems already from my mattress. I sleep on my stomach, and I used to have like four of those foam pads stacked on and tweak my back because it bends so much. So I'm going to firmer mattresses, so I've been taking his old mattresses, buying him off him.

The last time he bought a new mattress, he went, he's like, okay, come to the mattress store with me, help me move in his stuff. So we get to the store. He walks up the guy, he's like, and the guy remembers him because he's been in here. ton. He's his favorite customer. He's made so much money out for this guy. Probably the only customer. Probably the only sale in the last six months.

Who goes the mattresses? I do. I have. I will be going back for another 15 years, Chuck. Hey, got that. Zero Gs. Zero Gs.

So we walk in, a guy knows him by name, and he goes, hey, I remember I tested a mattress last time. I'm wondering if he pulled out. It was $500 on this one. It was firm.

I liked it. So he pulls it out. out, he pulls out like, this is a $1,500 mattress. And my brother's like, this is not the one. It was 500. You guys like, oh, trust me, I can get you a good deal on this. And he throws, don't worry about the price. So my brother lays down on the mattress and tells me, he's like, come lay next to me.

Tells the worker, yeah, we always sink into each other. So worker thinks me and my brother are gay couples together. And so I like reluctantly lay next to my brother. He's like, come on. So I lay down. And he's like, perfect. We're not sinking into each other. so it must be good.

And I'm just embarrassed. I'm like, all right, this guy thinks we're together. Like, all right. You should say it's not what you think, sir. We're brothers. I'm the big spoon and he's the little spoon if you can believe it. So we go, the guy gets paperwork. He's like, looking.

He won't sell his floor model. He's wanting to go under behind the counter. So me, my brother is just going to test out more mattresses, just laying on random mattresses. And he's asking me to keep following along with you. He's like, ooh, come land. this one. So I'm like,

unlike whispering to him, I'm like, he probably thinks we're gay. He's like, no, he doesn't. We're just laying next to each other. Come back out and the guy's like,

hey, I found a match for you two. Like us two, he's making her together. He found a mattress. We're able to take it. We go, get, if we walk out and the guy says,

you two have a good time together. I'm buying a mattress. To me and my brother. That's great. That's great. PSA, don't go to the mattress store with your brother or anything. And that's our bellied up PSA for today, ladies and gentlemen. It's a great PSA.

Yeah, do not go to the mattress store with your brother. You never know what you'll walk out with. Newly weds. I'm using their old mattress. I'm like, I don't know if I want to know. Or you can think about it. Yeah. mattresses aren't cheap though you gotta take them when you can get them

yeah he's mattresses a few bucks is pretty cheap yeah I was telling us there was a 16,000 dollar mattress in there we're gonna go zero geez that was not how much cost I can tell you that much whoever bought that one's out a rip off 16 grand it was it was speddy it was a lot more than 500 bucks I can tell you that much but hey it's a thing that keeps in between the ground. The expensive part was actually the zero G part of it. The mattress was fine. It was the frame.

Frame. The extending frame. Yeah. Yeah. Is it heavy? Miles doesn't. What? Miles doesn't want to admit how much he spent.

He embarrassed how much he spent on a mattress. He's not embarrassed. He's just, you know, keeping it close to the vest. I haven't even pried that one out of them yet. I don't sleep until, you know. Well, listen, thank you for calling in with all these really interesting details about your grandpa and his habits and your brother and his habits. His extracurricular habits. Yeah, we hope that, you know, he and his wife have some nice sleeps and that you and your husband have some nice sleeps too.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. And you drive safe out there, okay? Watch the road out there in Utah. You guys have some, what, meal deer or something? I got some crappy drivers out here and say that. Yeah, well, avoid them, okay? Distracted drivers talking on their phone while they're calling into a podcast.

I don't know. Calling into a podcast professing their love for their brother, you know. And it's not weird. You know, Utah is kind of a place where that sort of thing's accepted. So your secret is safe with us, okay? Well, I appreciate that. I now know that thousands of people are not going to hear this. Yeah.

Yeah. What do you mean not going to hear this? I'm being sarcastic. Also, give us some credit. It's like tens of thousands of people. Tens of thousands. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, in total, yeah. You know, like over time. We add up since we've started. Yeah. I mean, it's clearly tens of thousands. You know, we started with tens.

then we went now we're at tens of thousands yeah if we just had thousands it wouldn't miles wouldn't be able to get that zero G mattress so you know all right well it was good chit-chat with you well appreciate you guys for making my call and charlie i actually went to your show in february in salt lake it was great oh thanks man i had a lot of fun out there you and the mormons yep it was a great show thank you brother i appreciate you saying that and folks If you want to see a show like that, head on over at Charlie Barron's.com, not a sponsor. Well, thank you. Glad you made it out to that.

I really appreciate you. Thank you guys for having me on. Yeah, you bet, brother. We'll see you soon. See you. Bye-bye-bye. You know? Hi-ya-ya-ya.

Him and his brother, he was broke up about that, you know. And I hope they're still together. Yeah, I hope him and his brothers. Sound like a nice couple. They really do. They really do. I hope they're happy with that firm mattress. That is a great visual, though.

Just I'm going back. Seems like a Seinfeld bit. It does. It does. Yeah. Well, Chuck, is that it? Miles said. Oh, we got a voicemail.

I always like a bonus voicemail. Yeah, me too. This is from Eli. Eli. Eli. I'm Chicago. And I'm watching spring training right now. It makes me think of all the different ways to call strike three

and how, like, creative these umpires get. So my question for you guys is if you were umpire to MLB and what would your strike three call be? Okay. Miles, you go first. All right, here we go. Throw the ball, Chuck. Something like that.

That was good. Something like that. Sorry. You terrified this whole bar. He was pretending to be an umpire on strike three. Yeah, we got to give them the context. Yeah, they, it's kind of a karate style. That was good.

That was good. Sorry about that. All right. All right, Chuck. You ready? Here we go. It's three. It's three.

Out. I make it, I, I'd, I'd lower the, the, the, the, the temp, you know. lower the temperature. Did I come hot or no? No, I like how hot you came, but I kind of, or you can just, you can do the upset father at his son batting like. Also, I like that it wasn't like this or like this. It was just like this.

Strike three. Just tight fingers. Yeah. Jared, I want to hear yours. Oh, man. That was good. Have you done? umping before it can't it was gutterill I liked it that's all right Jake is the notorious baseball guy

get over here we're gonna end the episode yeah oh he's turning his hat around and everything uh before he does this I want to Jake loves the twins he loves the Minnesota twins I do wearing the hat right now and um he had the twins on in the uh in your cabin last yeah he sure did you were somewhere else and they put him on and he was commentating over every single thing and speculating which pitches were going to get thrown. That's how you watch baseball. Is that why you had to go retire to your bedroom? That's exactly it.

Without saying anything, I just got up and went and laid in my bed in the room because it was just too much baseball talk. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry about that. But that's how you watch baseball, you know? All right.

So this is your should be the best one. Yeah. It's a strike three call. It's simple. Is it? Ha! That's it. That's all you need.

And then strike three, be, Ha! Khee! Okay. That was actually pretty good. That was pretty good. That's all you need. Yeah, that was good.

Thanks. All right. What did you think of mine? Yours need a little more motion into it, more motion. You know, you kind of threw the arms into it. I need it more. Like, you need to come completely out of it. You know?

I mean, it's tough holding the microphone. Yeah, that's fair. What did you think about mine? Charlie, was good. Thank you. Surprised me. Yeah, yeah.

That was good. It was really good. Yeah. It was really good. God, just thinking about striking out and then, uh, straightening out, looking, and then the ump pulls Charlie's out and it just is salt in the wound. Oh, yeah. Mine's disappointment.

That's three. Yeah. You're out. That would hurt worse than a big, big elaborate. Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, Miles, it's been a pleasure with you here. And, um, the pleasure has been all mine.

has. I appreciate the pleasure. This is where you say, no, Charlie, the pleasure's been all. You know, that really juices my goat is when I give a compliment

and I don't get one back in return. Not that I was expecting it, but, you know. Anyways, folks, thanks for listening to another episode of the Bellied Up podcast. Make sure you tip your bartender. We'll see you the next one.

Okay, hope you guys have a good one. Goodbye now. Tudaloo.