Benjamen Walker's Theory of Everything - Bad Science

Episode Date: October 20, 2017

When ToE’s special corespondent Chris told me about Russian Gay Bashing Drones onstage during my performance in London I was certain he was once again putting me on – or this was Satire. I forgot that in 2017 anything is possible – except Satire! A few days later I read this.

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Episodes every other week at neverpo.st and wherever you find pods. Hello. Hello, Chris? Hello? Ah, there you are. This is actually going to work. This is so exciting. We've never done this before. You and me, me live with visuals but

here we are and you look kind of pissed off i am did you see who trump just appointed to head NASA? Uh, no. Jim Bridenstine. He's like this political flunky congressman with no science background. For NASA. This whole town has gone insane. I don't think I'm gonna make it to 2024.

Buddies, is everything okay with you? No, no. I'm in danger of losing my security clearance. Why would you lose your security clearance? Science. Science is like the new ISIS. I have a PhD in physics, you know, so I'm screwed. God. So I'm trying to wrap my head around this and just make sense of it all. So I've been spending like all my nights at the bar at the Trump Hotel.

Wait, the one in D.C., the new one? Dude, it has this great atrium, these super high ceilings and these girders. And it's actually a pretty cool building. But the most amazing thing is that it's, like, filled with Russians. I mean, everywhere I go, there's Russians everywhere. You can even get a menu in Russia. Come on. I'm serious. I'm serious.

And they have this signature cocktail called the Benjamin. Because it costs $100. Yeah, obviously. Benjamin it cost $100. Yeah, obviously. Benjamin Franklin, $100 bill. And get this. It's got rye whiskey, two kinds of vodka, an oyster,

and caviar. It's like this perfect Russian-American mashup cocktail. So it's not like a white Russian, it's a Trump Russian. Yeah, I didn't even think of that, but yeah. And have you tried this cocktail? Yes, I have. A couple weeks ago, I was sitting at the bar,

and there was this guy a few seats down, and he's banging away on his iPhone. He's muttering in Russian. It up is dead, billiard. So god damn, mo. And I'm toasting him like, yeah, man, I feel ya. And he slides over He looks at my beer

And he's like Nyet I buy you Benjamin Who is this guy? So this guy's Andre And like most Russians you find At the Trump Hotel He's come here

To do business With the Trump Hotel. He's come here to do business with the Trump administration. Uh, kind of the wrong moment for poor Andre, no? Oh yeah, yeah. And Andre tells me all about it over our Benjamins. Because of all this fake news, dear mo, I can't get meeting with anyone. And what is his business? Well, after I ask him that very same question, he takes out his iPhone, he swipes open an app, he pushes a button, and this drone drops down from the girders it's it's small but it's got like this little robot arm

that's holding a stick it's like it's kind of like a billy club from a bugs bunny cartoon and as it as it hovers over us andre is like this is my business gay Gay bashing drone. Wait, wait, what did you say? Yeah, that's what he said. Gay bashing drone. Uh, first of all, I have a hard time believing that there even is such a thing as a

gay bashing drone. But secondly, if there was, there's just no way the Trump administration would be buying them from the Russians have you been paying attention I mean Trump just banned transgendered soldiers from the military over objections from the military right he just pardoned Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who's like this piece of shit who needed pardoning because he was torturing immigrants. I mean, what makes you think this is too extreme for them? No, no, you're right. But does this drone work?

Better gaydar than humans. According to Andre, Russian scientists made this, they used machine learning, deep neural networks, and built facial recognition software that can predict sexual orientation. And they've like tested this out

in Russia. Yeah. Andre told me that the oligarchs fire these things up at parties and they like send them out to hunt for gay people at raves. And, and then they, they capture all this and they broadcast it on screens with like blaring EDM soundtracks. Oh, good God.

And, and so he's telling me this and these two guys get up from the other end of the bar and head towards the bathrooms together and Andre looks over at them and then he like swivels the drone and sends it in after that watch this then he pulls up the visual on his phone and as we watch he flies the drone overhead and we see them doing cocaine cocaine. Andre's like, hmm, okay, maybe not gay, but still is good compromise. Yeah, okay, this definitely sounds like something Trump would be into. Oh yeah, I mean, think about it. After the hurricanes, I could see the Trump administration getting really excited about this technology.

I mean, they could repurpose this, no problem. For? Bashing looters. Yes. But when I said this to Andre, he just got more depressed, and he ordered us another round of Benjamins. If only I could find an American partner with security clearance.

Oh, poor, poor Andre. Poor Russian businessman. Can't just waltz into the Oval Office anymore. True. True. But, like he said, an American businessman with security clearance, backed with Russian capital?

No problem. And so I scoot over to Andre, I clap him on the shoulder, and I say, I'm your man. No, no, no, no, Chris. I understand you're having a rough time, but you cannot go into the gay bashing drone business. Does that hat say what I think it says? Make America great again.

In Russian. I knew if I could just get into the Oval Office, I could do what needs to be done. Really, that's all I've been thinking about these past few months. And I knew right away, Andre was my ticket in. What the hell are you saying? Someone needs to get to Trump and explain to him that you can't have big trucks, you can't have big explosions without science. No tall buildings, no boot jobs for the ladies without science.

Okay? Someone needs to make it clear to him that without science, America will never be great ever. So you're thinking if you can get into the Oval Office, you'll be like the guy to pull this off? Not can, my friend. Did. We already went to the Oval Office. Wait. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

As soon as I told Andre, I was his man. We down two more Benjamins and we got to work. I set up a shell company. He called some Russian banks and drew up some papers. I called in a few favors.

And we got ourselves on the White House calendar. So you met with Donald Trump. Well, the way these things work is, first, you go through like a gauntlet of security and staff so first we meet with steven miller and jared kushner in the library that's that's pretty high level oh yeah but but andre just immediately gets overexcited. And he takes the drone out, he tosses it into the air, and Stephen Miller, he totally recognized the drone. Like, he knew what it was. And Kushner did too.

And so this drone starts buzzing around the room, and they flip out. Wait, so they've, like like seen these drones in action, like in Russia? I think so, because they are flipping out in the White House Library. Stephen Miller, he's standing on a chair and he's pointing at the drone, yelling like,

you calling me a fag? And Jared is like, he's apoplectic, he's foaming at the mouth, he's so mad he can't even speak. Wow. And then, you know Trump's bodyguard, the one who just retired? Schiller, I think his name was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he hears the commotion, and he comes out of the Oval Office,

and he's got a baseball bat. It kind of looked like the one attached to the drone, but bigger. And he puts his hand up in the air, like telling Steven and Jared to be quiet. And then he walks up to the drone and just swats it out of the air, knocked it on the ground and then just beats the living shit out of it. It's like straight out of Goodfellas. And then he just turns around and walks

back into the Oval Office. And then? That's it. So you didn't get to meet Trump? No. But, but, like I said, this all went down in the library.

So I planted a book. A science book for kids. Called, called Whiz Bang Pop. Wow. Wow. Nicely done. And, and I got you something, buddy. Really?

In the Trump library, there's only one book. There's only one book on the shelves, like 50 copies, and I grabbed you one. The 20th of January. Oh, my God. By Ted Albright. It really is Trump's favorite book. I still can't believe this book is real.

I just can't believe there's a British spy novel from the 80s where the Russians get some phony businessman elected president. Oh, and don't forget, they control him with compromise. They record it in a hotel room. I don't understand why this book is not more famous.

Well, Trump certainly passes it around. And look, look, it's even inscribed. Oh, come on. Wow. I did it. Wow. Chris, I can't thank you enough for the book, for joining us live here in London. I'm going to come to D.C. and visit you next month.

I can get the book and we can hang out. Sure thing, buddy. Benjamin's on me. Thanks, pal. Bye, pal. Wow. buddy Benjamin's on me thanks pal bye pal This episode was produced by myself, Benjamin Walker, and Andrew Calloway, and it featured TOE's special correspondent, Chris. It was performed live at the London Podcast Festival in September of 2017. Special thanks to the technical team who made the whole thing go off

without a hitch and special, special thanks to PRX is Audrey Martavich. Radiotopia from PRX.