Benjamen Walker's Theory of Everything - Emergency

Episode Date: May 29, 2017

A special ToE emergency pod: Chris explains the Orb,  Andrew dives into the mystery of Twin Peaks and your host tries attempts SpaCasting.

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Episodes every other week at neverpo.st and wherever you find pods. Can you say the name of the episode? This one's called Emergency. You are listening to Benjamin Walker's Theory of Everything. This episode is called Emergency. You know, there's this thing with podcasts now where, you know, if there's breaking news or if something happens, you know, in the world that changes what they've already put out, they make another one, and they've been calling it the emergency podcast. So they need to have one coming out that morning,

but then it's already out of date within two hours, so they put out the emergency podcast. You're starting to see that word pop up a lot, and i feel like i needed to do a theory of everything emergency podcast because of of no because i had this dream last night what was this dream i had this dream that we were all at the airport actually all all four of us me you arto ayana cara and uh i i'm not sure exactly where it was. It kind of looked like the Montana airport, Bozeman, Montana airport. But it was also a little bit like Wisconsin.

But it was 5.17 p.m. That's what time it was. And our flight was at 5.20. And we weren't at the gate yet, but you, Cara, you had left a book of Iana's at the farm we were at. Was it a farm with the animals

and the TVs? No, no, no. It was a different farm. I don't know why. I think it was like a petting farm that we went to. And you decided you had enough time to go back and get the book and still make the plane. In those three minutes? In the three minutes.

Yeah. Of course, you had to do it. So Mathilde and Arto and I raced through the airport, and we had to go through a lot of long, long hallways. And I think we finally make it, and it's long after. It's almost like 5.55 at this point. And the lady at the gate's like, hi, we've been waiting for you. She led us on the plane and even said, when I told them about you in the book,

oh, yeah, they wait for you too. Wow. They had this policy. Ayana, what are you doing? I don't know if it's the airline or if it's the airport, but the policy is they wait for everybody before they take off. No matter how long you take.

So you came and you found the book and these guys got seated, but then some really heavy red lights, LED lights, started flashing. And then the captain got on the intercom, and he said that it was the nuclear warning system. Oh. Yeah. No.

Yeah. Birds were in the air was his line, like very old school. Like, the birds are in the air was his line, like very old school. Like, the birds are in the air. So, another special thing about this airline was that it was a Democratic vote over whether we would fly or not. Because, you know, obviously, you might want to reevaluate your vacation plans or your travel plans. Are we in New York City? No, we're in like Montana. Oh, let's stay there. I don't want to we in New York City? No, we're in like, Montana or... Oh, let's stay there. I don't wanna go to New York City.

No, we're staying. That's, exactly, that was the vote. Like, should we stay, or should we... Or should we fly? What you were thinking of, like, you wanted to fly with nuclear bombs all over you? We're staying. And then?

That's when I woke up. Were you scared in your dream? Were you crying, sweating through the sheets? I think I was really unsure of what my vote would be. I don't understand. Why do you make this broadcast about emergency when it's just a dream?

It was pretty upsetting. It kind of changes everything. It's all right. I'm not really a spa person, but that's where I am right now. I fled my studio for Spa Castle, a multi-pool, multi-plex in Queens. I'm just finding it impossible to work these days. It's the news, blaring out of the radio, blasting from the computer. It's relentless. And it climbs over every wall I build and slides in under every door I close.

There's no escape. And as far as I can tell, this is actually a new thing. Of course, the 24-7 news cycle's been around for decades now. We got that in the 1990s with the Iraq War and the O.J. Simpson case. But it was still a news cycle. That cycle has disintegrated. Today, now it's just news all the time. And once you check in, there's no checking out. There's no longer a calm after the storm because it's a storm that never ends. And this nonstop hurricane of pain,

it's affecting my mental health, my physical well-being, and my podcast. This is why I'm here, talking to you, dear listener, from a hot tub at Spa Castle. Perhaps the solution to my problem is this. I stop podcasting and I start spa casting. All right, scratch that. I'm not going into spa casting. All right, scratch that. I'm not going into spa casting. In fact, that just might be one of the dumbest things I've ever said in my entire life.

But I do have the equipment for it. I mean, check this out. In my hand, I'm holding what looks like a fancy ballpoint pen, but it's really a secret recording device. Inside, there's a microphone and a tiny video camera. I bought this pen on Wish.com. That's the direct-from-China Amazon site that a lot of my friends have gone nuts over. You'll find everything you will never need on Wish.com.

It's all there. I've bought an umbrella with the image of an extended middle finger on the top, a colorful Lego blocks pattern polyester fabric custom home decor shower curtain, and this, a secret spy pen. Okay, a large man just slid into the other side of the pool and he's giving me a dirty look. Maybe I'll write something on my hand and make it look like I'm taking some notes. It actually works, it's a real pen. But my hand is wet.

Alright, he's really giving me a strange look now. Yeah, fuck, who brings a pen into the hot tub? It's obvious what I'm doing, right? I mean, I can't be the first person who's come to Spa Castle armed with a secret recording device. In fact, the management is probably even on the lookout

for pens like these. And guys like me. They'll assume I'm recording video, too. I didn't think about that. No way they're going to believe that I'm just spa-casting. Okay, this is bad. No, calm down. Stick to the plan. The musician Neil Young once said that what is most precious to him

is his creative space, a space he goes to great lengths to maintain and protect. Well, the past few months of breaking news has completely broken down the barriers protecting my creative space. It's now been overrun by hot takes and long reads and memes, tweets. And I'm scared, terrified actually, that I won't be able to put everything back together again. All right, now I'm definitely starting to feel self-conscious. There's a woman staring at me. Does she recognize the spy bin? I mean, I can't be the only person here who wastes time on Wish.com. What if the lady thinks I'm filming her?

Good God, I didn't even think about that. Because when it comes to secret recording devices, it's not just pervs anymore. Now it's pranksters, body shamers, troublemakers. It's probably pretty dangerous to carry around a secret recording device. I could get beat up. I think I'm gonna have to put this pen away. Yeah, I don't think spa casting is going to work out for me. I've seen a lot of crazy, fucked up shit here in D.C., but I have to tell you, this is next level. Things are really spinning down the drain. Are you talking about how Trump said that following the Constitution

just might not be practical for him? No, not that. Are you talking about how it's now open season on journalists? No, not that either. The fact that it's looking like Trump will probably use nukes on North Korea? Scary, but not that either. Russian collusion? No.

What is scaring the fuck out of me is this whole business with the orb. You mean the glowing white thing that he touched when he was in Saudi Arabia? What was that thing? It's a version of Palantir. Peter Thiel's surveillance software company. Yeah, and even though this is supposed to be secret, I mean, the photos give it away. The engineers at Talenteer, they thought they'd be really cute making the on-off switch look like, you know, the crystal ball seer stone thing from Lord of the Rings. But that's what it is. Yeah, yeah. You can see it in the photos.

This is a full-on Palantir setup in Saudi Arabia. And Trump is there to celebrate them turning it on. So we gave them Palantir. Access to our global algorithmic surveillance system. Well, not exactly. It is a custom job. We gave them access to databases

and cameras and surveillance tools. But Trump convinced the Saudis that what they really wanted was to spy on their own women. So we're talking smart cars to make sure they aren't driving.

Fitbits to see where and when they're moving. And cameras for, you know, everyday monitoring. A perka shot. Wait, I don't understand why this has you so upset, though. Well, I mean, can you imagine a photo of Obama and the Saudis and this orb? I mean, the whole right would lose its fucking mind. But with Trump, they're totally cool. They see no problem that he golfs all the time. And they're fine when he divulges secrets to the Russians in the Oval Office.

But the fact that this orb business doesn't even activate their lizard brains? Nothing to see here. It's just terrifying. It's proof of just how strong their hatred is for us. hey i uh really need your help with something. Andrew, what can I do for you?

Well, I've got this opportunity to make a podcast of my own. Really? Yeah. And the best part is it's about Twin Peaks, my favorite TV show ever. I would be making one podcast every week covering each episode of the new rebooted series. And it's paid. So it would help me afford to keep working on your show. I need to convince this company that I'm their guy.

So maybe you could help me record a pilot about the first new episode? Sure, let's do it. All right, listeners. There might be some spoilers coming up, so watch out. When I was a kid, I used to lay in bed, dreaming that one day the story of Twin Peaks might continue, because it just felt so unfair

that it ended on such a cruel, devastating cliffhanger. But I only had to wait 14 years. You had to suffer through the full 25 years. Well, I will say that, you know, watching the first episode the other night, I could definitely feel the 25 years that I've been waiting for this.

And, you know, when we first see the evil Cooper coming out of the dark, it almost hit me that it's the 25-year gap that made that scene so powerful, right? And I was thinking that if it had been like traditional TV and just like season three, you know, a couple months later, it just would have felt like, okay, how much evil did he really do over summer vacation, you know? Whereas 26 years, you can imagine like, you know, pretty high body count and some pretty nefarious deeds.

I don't know, there's something that feels like so right about this 25 years that it's like maybe that's just the way it was always going to be, like 25 years later, like he had it all planned out. Well, I'm pretty skeptical that Lynch really planned this out, because I mean... I know, but remember, in the

original show, Laura Palmer says I'll see you again in 25 years. That's true, but you know, I mean, look at the character Bob. He was invented on set while they were already shooting. And it turned out he's the most important antagonist of the show and the key to the whole mythology. I somehow just don't see Lynch as the kind of guy who makes plans 25 years in advance.

Yeah, but look how much clicked into place just in this first hour of the new series alone. I mean, you know, maybe it's not David Lynch's plan, but there is a plan. It does feel pretty cosmic. Like, maybe he's a conduit. And honestly, that makes a lot of sense because of how Lynch talks about creativity and ideas. It's like fish that you're catching from the stream of the unified field.

Another thing I noticed was that the show seemed to have more in common with David Lynch after Twin Peaks. You know? Like a lot of the stuff that gives me a psychotic breakdown from Lost Highway and Mulholland Drive.

The whole thing with the doppelgangers. And, you know, they're intense viewing experiences. I don't remember getting anything like that from Twin Peaks, the television show. And it's cool that we've moved on to a point where he can do that on TV now. I kind of think that, you know, that the crazy sort of Lost Highway, Mulholland Drive stuff he never would have been able to do without TV. So you're a TV apologist. I like that, though.

That's pretty good. I mean, the only reason the infamous Red Room exists is because he was contractually obligated to provide an ending for the pilot so they could sell it as a movie if it didn't get picked up. And I mean, Mulholland Drive was a TV pilot. That's true. And then he came up with the brilliant ending because it didn't get picked up. Lynch responds really well to like constraints. Yeah. The format of TV has been like really important towards Lynch's artistic development.

Okay, but let's get back to the new series. Tell me about how you watched it. Did you do all four at once? Of course, yes. So I had a lot of friends who wanted to come over because I have a screen and a projector and they're like, yeah, we'll have a Twin Peaks party. And I faked them all out by saying

we weren't going to watch it until Monday and then Matilda and I watched all four episodes. It was so, so great to just be immersed in that world for that long again. Oh, it just felt like a bath. I mean, yeah, I can understand after 25 years, you don't want to have your viewing experience spoiled like I did by my friends who I invited over who just brought some random girls they met at the bar

who had only ever even seen a couple of episodes of Twin Peaks. And they kept on wanting me to explain what was going on. And I just think that's the wrong way to watch Twin Peaks. It's supposed to wash over you like a bath. You said it perfectly. I'm not sure you're going to get the job for this podcast. And I think if I understand how these TV podcasts work, that's what mostly they are. Recap podcasts, kind of explainers, mansplainers, fansplainers.

I mean, I think that's true for most TV shows. But I wonder if people who are really into Lynch want something a little different. Like, what if I could do a recap podcast without having to attempt to explain what's going on? Like, when Lynch started Twin Peaks, everyone was tuning in to find out who killed Laura Palmer, but he never even wanted to explain it. And the studio finally forced him to

and kind of backed him into this corner, and it seemed like there was just no satisfying way out of the mess that he created. But then he blew a hole through the roof and skyrocketed to this other level that nobody even knew existed. He transcended the murder mystery format, and he never would have made that episode

if he was left to his own devices. Yeah, it would be sad to have to just kind of argue Reddit forum style. You know, you just have to convince your audience that even though they think they want answers, what they really love is just meditating on the questions. Totally. I mean, it's more fun to not understand than it is to understand. You just kill it dead as soon as you've answered too many questions.

You know, I know we're supposed to be talking about episode one, but if we could just jump ahead to episode four. Yeah, let's break some rules. Where we have the character Agent Cole, played by David Lynch himself, speaking with Agent Albert Rosenfeld. And he says, pretty much straight looking us in the face, I don't understand what's going on. So that's him admitting that he doesn't have a plan right there.

So maybe you could call your Twin Peaks podcast. I don't understand what is happening again. And it feels so good. you have been listening to benjamin walker theory of everything this installment is called emergency this episode was written and produced by me benjamin walker with andrew calloway if you think his twin peaks podcast should continue, let him know. You can contact us using the contact page at toe.prx.org. Thanks to Matilde Biot, Cara Oler, and Jesse Shapens as well. The Theory of Everything is a proud member of Radiotopia,

home to some of the world's best podcasts. You can find them all at radiotopia.fm. Special, special thanks to the fine folks at PRX who keep Radiotopia running and humming, and as always, to Roman Mars, who made this whole thing real. Radiotopia

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