Benjamen Walker's Theory of Everything - Influencers (second time as Tragedy)

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

During the first Trump presidency I produced a radio drama with Jonathan Mitchell at The Truth Podcast about camp MAGA. In 2017 the idea of Trump locking up Americans in camps was a bit silly… that could never happen here? But in 2024, as private prison stocks soar to new heights, things like a little different.  Perhaps Marx got it wrong. Perhaps the repetitions of History are both farcical and tragic.  

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Episodes every other week at neverpo.st and wherever you find pods. A few nights after the election, I had one of the strangest nightmares that I've ever had. Now, usually my dreams dissipate into the fog of morning when I awake, but this one was different. It was as if this nightmare had escaped the immaterial world by burrowing into my physical body. People were talking online about a new video clip that someone discovered somewhere. It was a video transmission from the future. A video supposedly made by some individuals in a future American concentration camp. A video sent to the past to warn us about the dangers of Donald Trump.

Now, my initial reaction to this online chatter was total dismissal. It sounded like the worst kind of performance art imaginable, with a premise that was just stupid. I had absolutely no interest in searching for this video, or even following the online discourse. But people kept talking. And when I read a description accusing the filmmakers of anti-Semitism for using actors that looked like Holocaust victims

from World War II, well, I decided to take a peek. The video was black and white and very grainy. A group of about 20 individuals were crowded into a dark space. Don't let Trump build the camps, they shouted. They are not going to be temporary. They are being built for you. It was hard to tell if the gaunt, pleading husks were men or women, or if they were old or just beaten down.

But when I looked closer, I recognized one of them. It was me! And then I woke up. This was the morning of the fires in New Jersey and Prospect Park in Brooklyn. So I awoke short of breath, in pain. Like I said, this nightmare felt like it had lodged itself in my physical body. Back in the early days of the first Trump presidency, I made a farce about MAGA camps

with the amazing audio genius Jonathan Mitchell of The Truth Podcast. We called it Influencers. I'm going to run it again for you now because I'm starting to believe that Marx may have gotten it wrong. Perhaps the repetitions of history are always both farces and tragedies. The president recently signed an executive order requiring all media influencers to register with the FCC, which you have failed to do. Okay, I think there's been some kind of mistake. Do you understand the consequences of lying to this court?

Your Honor, I'm not lying, okay? I'm not in the media. I live with my mom. I don't even have a job. Then tell me what this is on the screen. That's my old Instagram profile. Note for the record that the defendant affirms ownership of his social media profile. Okay, yeah, but that's old. That's like from before you guys

blocked the internet and replaced it with magnet old. The internet is not blocked. That's a lie spread by enemies of the people. And spreading fake news, I will remind you, is a very serious crime. Explain this figure here. What?

Ah! What is this number, Mr. Thomas? Uh, you mean the number of followers? According to this archive page, you had over 500,000 followers on this platform. Which obviously makes you a class 1A influencer. No, no, no. I can explain that. Okay, I, uh,

I bought the followers. Damn! Please note for the record. Seriously, I bought those people. I thought if people saw I had a half million followers, they might check out my stuff. They're not real followers. Please note for the record that Franklin Thomas is refusing to cooperate and has lied in a court of law.

I'm not a liar. I have no choice but to reclassify you as an enemy of the people. An enemy? And I'm sentencing you to be relocated to a facility. Listen, listen, listen. You got to believe me, okay? Relocated to a facility where you'll contribute to a work project

dedicated to continue making America great again. I'm not an influencer. Oh! Stop, stop, stop! Mommy, stop, stop! This installment is called Influencers. Fresh snowflake, me. Ben Theroux, New York Times.

What's the news from outside? Have there been any more attacks? Ben Smith, BuzzFeed News. I got arrested during the wall demonstrations. They were unbelievable. What happened next? Are we still at war with North Korea?. They were unbelievable. What happened next? Are we still at war with North Korea?

I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Ashley Parker, Washington Post. What's the latest with the administration's closing of Congress? Has Canada shut its borders? What happened after the wall demonstration? What about the rumors of the banks closing? I want my mom! Guys, back off. Let him breathe.

You remember how it was when you got in here? Fine. You okay? Look, I don't belong here. I'm Lauren Duke. What's your name? I don't even know what this is. I shouldn't even be here. What are you in for? Reporting? Were you reporting on protests? Were you protesting?

Okay, have this. You'll feel better. Sorry it's not much, but they ration kind bars in here. It's better? Yeah, mm-hmm. So what's your name? Frankie Thomas Are you a reporter or? I'm just kind of lost

Alright, if you hear your name line up, you're going to work I want to see a straight line Nice to meet you, Frankie You'll be okay, just do what they say Glenn Thrush Risen Ashley Parker Here

Ben Jacobs. I'm here. Wolf Blitzer. Wolf Blitzer. I'm here. Obviously. Franklin Thomas. Yeah.

Okay, enemies of the people, time to make greater America even greater. I said time to make greater America even greater. The greatest. That's right. Now march. Ready? Two, three, four. March to... I don't know your face.

You must be in print journalism. What? What outlet are you with? What media outlet? I'm not with any media outlet. Oh, internet? No. I'm not supposed to be here at all.

Then what the heck are you doing here? That's the thing that's all I'm misunderstanding. Yeah, right. Same here at all. Then what the heck are you doing here? That's the thing that's all a misunderstanding. Yeah, right. Same here. March! March! March! Hey, do you know that woman I was just talking to?

Who, Lauren? Yeah, yeah. Why? What about her? I don't know. Is she, um... Forget it, kid. What?

A woman like that wouldn't be interested in a person like yourself. Come on. Why do you say that? Lauren is a very serious person, if you catch my meaning. Come on, you old ladies. March! March! Where are we going? We're going to work. March! Let's go! Please tell me this isn't a wall camp. Oh, no. Thank God. We do a very different kind of dirty work. What does that mean? Typewriter? What is this?

This is where we put out the Daily Maga. The Daily Maga? That's written in a prison camp? That's right. Why? Are you asking why the greatest journalistic minds of their generation would be put to work to write the president's newspaper? Don't be silly. So our talents can be effectively streamlined towards the great cause, of course, because we're making America great again. Haven't you heard?

Oh, okay, you're a journalist. Are you kidding? Blitzer, the president's daughter is branching out into menswear. We need you to write a full piece on it. Very important story. Here's all the information. This was written by the first daughter herself. Okay, let's see what we have here. Is that written on a napkin?

Yeah, it looks like it. Question. How do poor people get suits? Do you know anybody who just got a job and financed someone who's poor? What do they wear to work? What if buying the suit is the problem? What is it?

Then it says in large capital letters, Infinite Closets. Oh, yeah, it's circled. What am I supposed to do with this gibberish? Well, Infinite Closets, that's like you open your closet and there's a secret door to the suit store. Man, I'd love an Infinite Closet.

Yeah, who wouldn't? You know, you go into your closet and there's like a little door and you climb through that and then you're in the suit store. It's like that movie where there's a talking lion. Look who's talking. The Chronicles of Narnia.

Chronicles of Narnia. Tell you what, kid, why don't you type this one up? Yeah, okay, but I've never used a typewriter before. It's easy. It's just like a computer, only the paper is the screen. Wait, so I'm going to do all the work and you're going to get all the credit? We share the credit. How about that? Consider it a mentorship.

Okay, how do I start? Here. Imagine you are the first daughter. Okay. Last night I dreamt of infinite closets. You know, people always complain about prison food, but I actually kind of like the instant mashed potatoes. I think it's kind of good. I don't think that's what this is.

Yeah. Well, you know, actually, Wolf Blitzer, he gave me a bunch of kind bars. I guess he liked what I did with the first daughter's account. You're Lauren, right? That's right. I'm Frankie. Yeah, I know.

I remember. Can I repay you for what you did the other day? You gave me the kind bar. I think, you know, you'll like it better. No, no. That's okay. Thanks. No, seriously, I insist.

Thanks. You, seriously, I insist. Thanks. You're welcome. So, how long have you been here? Since the first fake news crackdown. Oh, wow. That was a long time ago. Yeah, two years. Dang, that...

Wait, that was before... 9-11, too. Yeah. That was before Magnet. Before World War Korea. Yeah. Yeah. So, before MAGA net. Before World War Korea. Yeah. Yeah. So what did, what did you do before?

I worked at Teen MAGA before it was MAGA. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I never read that. I wasn't really a journalist myself per se, but I feel like I'm starting to get a feel for it. Yeah.

Your Infinite Closets piece got some attention. Wait, you read that? Well, I'm an editorial, so I read everything. Cool. It impressed the commissar. Cool. Hey, Frankie, can I ask you a personal question? Yeah.

Yeah, please. What do you think of The Resistance? I guess I don't really think about it I kind of try to avoid politics Oh, okay As much as I can But like, are you sympathetic to it? I don't know

Resistance, it sounds like hard Like harder than work hard, you know? Like work is hard Yeah, okay And I don't like to work So I don't Okay Why do you ask? No, no reason Okay, let's move it, move it Yeah, okay. And I don't like to work. So I don't... Okay. Why do you ask?

No, no reason. Okay, let's move it, move it. Come on, ladies. Break's over. All right, try this. It's time to consign dishwashing to the dishwasher of history. Type it. I don't know.

Don't you think that sounds a little, um, like, uh, like, it sucks? Just type it. I don't know. Don't you think that sounds a little, um, like, uh, like, it sucks? Just type it. Who's Frankie Thomas? Uh, it's me. Commissar wants you to know you are doing such a great job, you can send a MAGA mail message to a loved one. It's not my mom. That's not all. You got this. It's from the first daughter. From his first daughter? Open it. It's not all. You got this. It's from the first daughter.

His first daughter? Open it. It's a suit. Why are you going to wear that? There's a note. Dear Frankie, just a little appreciation for the work you've been doing on my accounts. I hope our special relationship will continue. Is there anything in there for me? No, there's not.

Well, she'll probably be sending a separate package. Okay, back to work. Hey, Frankie. Lauren, hey. What are you doing down here? Hey, look at this suit I got. That's cool, right? It's from the first daughter.

Hey, listen, I have a favor to ask you. It's nothing big, but it would mean so much to me. Yo, what do you need? Well, I have a friend on the outside, and she really needs to hear from me. I know the commissar is letting you send a MAGA mail tonight, so could you send her a message for me? Oh...

Here's her name and her MAGA mail address. I don't know. There's no way you'd get in trouble. No, I know, it's just I kind of wanted to send it to my mom to let her know that I'm okay, you know? Yeah, totally. I mean, I, I really, I totally understand that, but if I could get this message out to my friend, it's going to help a lot of people. I mean, you have the chance to be part of something very important, something serious. Yeah. Okay. What's the message? Dear mom. Okay. I am good. I am working hard to make America the greatest.

I will be home soon. Be safe. Don't spend all your money on Amazon. You have to make sure you say that. Don't spend all your money on Amazon. That's the most important part. Wow. This is just like Star Wars. You're Princess Leia and I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah, Frankie. You're my only hope. Fresh snowflake meat! Ashley Parker, Washington Post. What's with these rumors about the new administration crackdown? Glenn Thurrock, New York Times. What's going on out there? You're the fifth person they brought in this week. Ben Smith, BuzzFeed News. Give me the scoop and I'll tell you 13 little known secrets about this place.

Frankie Thomas, ace writer for the Daily Magazine. Where are we? Guys, come on. Where is everybody? Howdy. Lauren? Joanne. What are you doing here?

They got all of us. You guys know each other? Joanne's an old friend. She runs consumer reviews at Amazon. Ran. They shut Amazon down. Arrested everyone. How did they catch you? Didn't you get my message?

I tried to warn you. What are you talking about? Well, I knew something was up. They've had us working on promotional materials for the new magazine for weeks. Of course. I'm actually in charge of the new Deal of the Day campaign. Who's this guy? That's Frankie.

He's one of us. He's the one who sent the message using the code. I never got it. They must have blocked it. Did they round everyone up? Yeah, everyone. Nick and Carrie, they accused them of being in the resistance and they sent them to the wall. It's over.

Roll call, goddammit, right now. So much work to do today. The Daily Maga is now in charge of the brand new Magazon. And we have imported a key figure from the now defunct Amazon to help show us what we need to be doing. So line up now, or I'll start busting heads. So now I'm just supposed to forget about all my friends and start collaborating? Line up!

I can't do it. No, I can't do it. I just can't. It's dangerous. How can you all live with yourselves? What happened to you? What happened to your integrity? You're journalists. Time to shut up and get in line. There is no way in hell that I'm getting in line for you fascists. Oh, my God. Come on. Grab her.

Hey! Stop! No! Get off of me! I'm an American! A real American! Somebody! No! Get off of me! I'm an American! A real American! Somebody help me! Alright. Now the rest of you. Line up. Line up now. Since we're now in charge of Amazon, what if we start writing about books? Nope. Terrible idea, Wolf. What do you got, Ben?

How about we write up a special on belts? Put them in the infinite closet. That's promising. You know, we could add different accessories, one a month. You know, this is good. Why don't you write me up a sample of that belt idea today? Ashley, what are you doing? I'm still trying to sell the special edition electoral college victory mats.

You know, what if people just don't want to be reminded of that night? No, no, no, Ashley, no. There's a way to do it. You just got to focus on the colors. Everyone likes red. Frankie Thomas, we got another delivery for you. This time it's a box of MAGA burgers. Awesome. Save me some and we can figure out a trade. Oh, wow, these are the new Bickley.

Frankie, I'd really like a MAGA burger. Sorry, Wolf. Why don't you help Ben deliver on his belt campaign and we'll talk. Hey, Frankie, what do you got? Lauren. Hey, yo, look at all this stuff. Look, I got big leagues, I got MAGA caps. I have some suits I haven't even opened yet.

Wow. Yeah, I guess in a way it's kind of like a payoff for all the followers I bought. You bought followers? Yeah, for my Instagram profile. No, I know. Okay, look. I know it's kind of embarrassing. It was because of my friend Bruno.

He got asked to join the group the fame crew, the Instagram group. Yeah, I remember them. They were big. So he gets like a million followers overnight, just like that. You know? So then I, I see him a couple weeks later and he, he's wearing a Rolex. He got it for free. They sent it to him. He, they just wanted him to like be photographed, like with the fame crew wearing it. Yeah. They used to send me stuff like that all the time, but I would just send it back. Yeah. So I immediately go online and I buy like 500,000 followers. And that's how you ended up here. Yeah. Well, you know, it took a while, but I think my investment

is paying off. Look at all this stuff. It's awesome. You think it's paying off? Yeah. Look, you're in a prison camp. Okay, do you want any of this stuff? I mean, some of it's yours. I owe you. What do you mean? The message. I flaked.

What? I hope you're friends. Okay. No, Frankie, she isn't. Okay, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. I had a lot of stuff going on. Do you really want to make things up to me, Frankie? Yeah, yes, yeah, of course.

Well, I need enough stuff to bribe Officer Williams to look the other way because I'm getting in a delivery truck tomorrow and I'm escaping. What? No, that's crazy. Are you in? Yeah, yes. Yeah, okay, I just gotta get enough stuff together and I'll come find you in a couple hours, okay? Okay, what do you got for me? This better be good. I can get in real trouble helping out, uh, an enemy of the people.

Let's see. Box of biglies. Two suits. Not bad. Mega streetwear caps. Aha. These are great. And what's this? A special commemorative electoral college victory poster? What am I supposed to do with this?

Do you want to make the trade or what? Okay, alright. Just keep your head down and follow me. Fifteen minutes is all you got. Frankie, what is going on? Lauren, hey, are you okay? I've been in here for two weeks. I was waiting for you to bring me the stuff to bribe Officer Williams with and then those guards took me and they handcuffed me and they threw me in here. What is going on? I had to turn you to bring me the stuff to bribe Officer Williams with, and then those guards took me, and they handcuffed me, and they threw me in here.

What is going on? I had to turn you in. Okay, your plan was insane. They could have thrown you in for enhanced interrogation, and they probably would have, you know, blamed me for helping you, which is bad. So this is how you help me. Wow, Frankie, thanks. Thanks. Maybe you can get them to send me to the wall, too.

That's just it, Lauren. They were going to send you to the wall. But I made a deal for you. Like, all you have to do is swear off the resistance and you take a MAGA oath and they're gonna forget about it, okay? You can even stay. Frankie, how about you get us both out of here? How about we escape together? We can publish our own resistance paper, and we can explain to people how bad things really are. How this corrupt autocratic family is trampling on the rule of law and human rights.

We can get the American people to see the political injustice of it all. No, because people have forgotten they don't know what's real anymore. You have it all wrong. All of this, it actually has nothing to do with politics. All the first family really cares about is selling their stuff. That's why they brought everyone here. They just want influencers to help them sell their stuff. And I figured out how to make it work for everyone.

You know, I'm actually doing editorial now because they moved you in here. But I'm calling all the shots. Even the czar likes what I'm doing. Look, the more stuff we help sell, the more stuff we get. And then the more stuff we get, the more stuff we have to spread around. So what do you say? How about it? Okay, everyone, get around. When you hear your name, grab your MAGA rewards, and then we'll walk over to the factory for a great day of work.

Wolf Blitzer. Oh, check this out. A new suit and three deluxe Juiceros. Ashley Parker. Right. Another inauguration poster. Thank you. Glenn Thrush.

Same. Jesus. Brent Jacobs. MAGA poster. Thank you. Glenn Thrush. Same. Jesus. Ben Jacobs. MAGA glasses. Come on. It's not funny anymore. Frankie Thomas. Oh, whoa.

The new MAGA boy. That's awesome. Yeah, I guess the president liked my MAGA net gaming idea. Hey, get me one of those, too. Maybe we can multiplayer. Okay, everyone. Let's go make America greater. The greatest. Ready, go.

Two, three, four. March. Two, three, four. Frankie, hey. Hey. You're marching so fast, it's almost like you don't want to march with me today. Oh, that's weird. So, why so glum, chum?

I don't know. I'm just thinking about Lauren. You know, I hope that things aren't too rough for her at the wall. Oh, that's weird. So, why so glum, chum? I don't know. I'm just thinking about Lauren. You know, I hope that things aren't too rough for her at the wall. Oh, rough? Yeah. Well, she probably didn't even survive this long. I just can't believe she chose the wall over this. Well, I told you she was serious. Look at this, Wolf.

We aren't getting yelled at anymore. We're being treated well. It's like they see us as equals. And we have you to thank for that, Frankie. You have reaffirmed my long-held belief that the only way to influence the system is from the inside. Thanks, Wolf. So, do you think you can get me one of those mega boys?

You know what? Take mine. There's plenty more where that came from. This installment was a joint production with The Truth Podcast. The script was written by myself, Benjamin Walker, with help from Lewis Kornfield. And the whole thing was produced by the genius Jonathan Mitchell.

So there you have it, dear listener. One last audio gift, a farce and a tragedy for you this holiday season 2024. You can find more info on the whole thing I made back in the day with Jonathan Mitchell at theoryofeverythingpodcast.com. The Theory of Everything is a proud and founding member of Radiotopia, home to some of the world's best podcasts. Find them all at radiotopia.fm.