Benjamen Walker's Theory of Everything - Time Travelin’ Trump

Episode Date: February 14, 2018

Donald Trump says all his ‘nuclear knowledge’ comes from his favorite uncle John G Trump. According to ToE special correspondent Chris, Uncle Johnny also gave Donald a time machine ring. Learn all about how John Trump acquired this ring (from Nikola Tesla) and how Vladimir Putin stole it (from Robert Kraft) and what Donald Trump is prepared to do to get it back (nukes).   ++++++++++++++  click on image for all the background reports +++++++++        

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Episodes every other week at neverpo.st and wherever you find pods. This installment is called Time Traveling Trump. I was going to watch the Super Bowl at home, but at the last minute I decided I wanted to watch it out at a bar. But the thing is, there is Kelly's Irish Times, which is right near my house, but it's a total Patriots bar, like all Boston all the time. And I wasn't in the mood for that. And then there's this other place, Sign of the Whale, but that's an Eagles bar. So, you know, same thing, but just Philly. So I decided to go to Harry's.

And what kind of bar is that? Well, it's an FBI bar. So it's just like totally neutral. I walk into Harry's just before kickoff. And so this place is already packed. But there is one spot at the bar. So I grabbed it. The guy on my left introduces himself as Special Agent Sullivan. And then the guy on my right,

he is Special Agent Mulligan. They actually say Special Agent. I know. I know. I know. But like I said, this is an FBI bar. Once the game starts, I start to get a sense of what's what. Sullivan is clearly rooting for the Patriots, and Mulligan is cheering for the Eagles. And you? I don't have any real strong emotion either way.

But as soon as the Eagles take the lead, which is early in the game, Special Agent Sullivan starts stressing. He's like, oh, the Patriots, they've got to win. They've just got to win. It's going to be the end of the world if they don't pull this off. End of the world. Yeah, like we're all going to die.

End of the world. And Special Agent Mulligan kind of starts ribbing him for this okay so like when the eagles score again he buys everyone around the irish car box what what the hell is that uh guinness baileys and jameson but you you put the baileys and jameson in a shot glass and drop it into a pint of Guinness. And this is an actual Irish cocktail? Well, kind of. Like, all the ingredients are Irish, but you couldn't actually order it in Ireland without

pissing people off. But yeah, it's Irish. But here at Harry's, it's okay. Oh, it's on the menu. So there's this moment just before halftime when the Patriots run a trick play and Tom Brady, instead of being quarterback, becomes a receiver, right? But the pass hits him right on his fingertips and he drops the ball. And when this happens, Special Agent Sullivan just slams his head on the bar and screams, Putin!

So the FBI really is Russia obsessed. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking, too. But get this. At halftime, Special Agent Sullivan goes to the bathroom. And Special Agent Mulligan leans over and tells me the story about how Putin stole the Patriots' Super Bowl ring

and left all this bad juju for the team. Really? Yeah, just after the Patriots won the Super Bowl for like the third time in 2005, their owner, Robert Kraft, is in Moscow, and he meets Putin.

And Putin says to him, I like your ring. I would like to see it. And Kraft is like, okay. And hands the ring to Putin. And Putin just like tries it on and then just turns and walks out of the room with his bodyguard. So he steals it? Yeah.

And does he still have it? Well, just as I was asking that question to Special Agent Mulligan, right, does Putin still have the ring? Special Agent Sullivan comes back from the bathroom and sits back down. And, you know, he heard me ask the question and he looks at us and he says, it wasn't the Super Bowl ring. And then he turns around to the bartender and orders a round of Paul Revere punches. What is that? Captain Morgan White,

Gosling's rum, orange, cranberry, pineapple juice, all garnished with an orange slice and a cherry. Yeah, not great. But Special Agent Sullivan slams his. And then he continues. Putin didn't steal Bob Kraft's Super Bowl ring. He stole Donald Trump's time machine ring.

Donald Trump had a time machine ring. Well, this is where Special Agent Mulligan chimes in. He looks like he doesn't really approve of Sullivan getting so sloshed and talking work stuff with me. But at the same time, I can see he's kind of interested. And he says, OK, OK, it is well known that Donald Trump and Bob Kraft are tight. But what the FBI knows is that Trump bet tons and tons of money on those three Super Bowls that the Patriots won. 2002, 2004, 2005. Like, this is where he gets the money to bail himself out of all of his financial problems. But then Special Agent Sullivan interjects. to bail himself out of all of his financial problems.

But then Special Agent Sullivan interjects, and he waves his finger at us and says, Trump wasn't gambling, okay? His buddy, Bob Kraft, used the time machine ring, so victory was assured, okay? That's not gambling. Okay, but hold on. Where does Donald Trump get a freaking time machine ring?

According to Special Agent Sullivan, Trump got it from Nikola Tesla. Well, Trump actually got it from his uncle, but his uncle got it from Tesla. Who's Trump's uncle? You don't know about Johnny G-Man Trump? No.

He's the guy Donald Trump is always calling his nuclear uncle. And he was in the FBI. Yeah. National Defense Research Committee scientists who worked with the FBI to make sure Nikola Tesla's research didn't end up in Soviet hands. Really? And this guy just tells you all this at the bar? Well, actually, Special Agent Mulligan tells me this part. Nikola Tesla was found dead in a hotel room at the New Yorker Hotel on January 8th, 1943, by a maid. And the FBI was really worried. They immediately seized his body and his personal effects. They wanted to make sure that Tesla's nephew, whose name was Shava Kosnovich, he was a Yugoslav official with

suspected connections to the Communist Party. They didn't want Kosnovich to get them. And time was of the essence. So they bring in John G. Trump, the NDRC science guy. But according to Special Agent Mulligan, there's a lot of speculation as to what exactly went down. Some people like Sava Kosnovich himself later said that the FBI kept some of Tesla's most important papers, like this black journal, which is still missing. But then Special Agent Sullivan grabs my Paul Revere's punch, which is great because I don't want to drink it.

And then he whispers, the FBI never had that journal. John G. Trump swiped himself. Whoa. So halftime's over. The game starts back up. And Special Agent Sullivan orders us another round. Three strawberry spangled banners. What are those?

These ones are great. Three strawberries, two basil leaves, Di Serrano, Grey Goose vodka, and lime juice. Special Agent Mulligan downs his first and says, well, according to the FBI file I've seen, that black journal supposedly contained Tesla's plans

on how to build a time machine. And then Special Agent Sullivan slams down his strawberry spangled banner and says, no, incorrect. Tesla had already built a time machine.

That's what John G. Trump took out of that hotel room. He just never figured out that he had a time machine in his possession. All he thought he had was this ring made out of heavy metal

and an alarm clock. When John G. Trump died in 1985, he gave all his Tesla stuff, which was the journals, the alarm clock, the stuffed pigeon, and the ring to his favorite nephew. And Donald Trump, of course, just tossed this whole box of stuff in a drawer. But one day, just after 9-11, Donald Trump is all alone in Trump Tower. He's lounging around

in his bathrobe and watching TV. And this is when he's totally on the verge of losing it all. He's overweight. He's feeling like a total loser. And he's watching a marathon of Back to the Future. And you know how the car in Back to the Future is powered by a Tesla coil?

Well, according to Special Agent Sullivan, that sparked Donald Trump's memory. And he pulled out the box his uncle gave him from the drawer. And Donald Trump quickly figured out what his uncle, Mr. MIT scientist, had failed to recognize. The clock controls the time and date the person wearing the ring wants to travel to. The ring ignites the Tesla coil that sits on top of the clock. And what exactly does Trump do once he realizes he has a time machine? You know how in Back to the Future 2, Biff gets rich from using the time machine to gamble on sports?

Well, this is exactly what Trump does. He colludes with his buddy, Bob Kraft, owner of the Patriots. And then Special Agent Mulligan snaps his finger and says, the FBI has tons of photos of both Donald Trump and Bob Kraft wearing this black ring from about 2002 to 2005. So the Patriots never win again after Putin steals the ring. Well, they actually won again in 2015 and 2017. And I actually mentioned this, but Special Agent Mulligan shakes his head

and he says all quiet like, that was the great game. Well, that set Special Agent Sullivan off and he gets right in Special Agent Mulligan's face. He's like, Brady wouldn't need to let the air out of the fucking ball if Putin hadn't stolen Trump's ring. So I'm like, all right, I got to calm things down. So I order us another round. And what disgusting thing do you order? Beers. Miller High Life.

So we get our beers and Special Agent Sullivan continues. Donald Trump will do anything to get the ring back. It's the key to everything. It's why he ran for president. It's why he won't allow any Russian sanctions. It's why he's kissing Putin's ass. He wants to make a deal to get it back. Why can't Trump just have someone make another one?

Livermorium. According to Special Agent Mulligan, one of the reasons the FBI was so hot for Tesla were rumors that Tesla had somehow figured out how to stabilize heavy elements like Livermorium. This time machine ring is most likely made out of Livermorium. And we can't make that? Well, no, right now, the half-life of Livermorium is less than a second. But the Patriot's lost. So does the game is over... But the Patriots lost. So does that mean that Putin still has the ring? Well, when the game is over,

Special Agent Sullivan lets out a deep sigh, and he's ashen. Probably from all of these disgusting cocktails. No, no, this is the sigh of a man with the knowledge of impending Armageddon. Huh? Yeah. According to Special Agent Sullivan, Donald Trump is somehow convinced that all he needs to do is set off, say, 20 or so 25 megaton nuclear bombs all at once. And he'll then be able to mine some Livermorium. Where did he get this idea? His uncle, John Trump.

At least that's what Special Agent Mulligan says. And I mean, he's ashen now, too. It's like he's put it all together as well. So this is why Donald Trump is so gung-ho about nuclear war. Yes. Trump thinks that if he can explode a bunch of nuclear bombs, he can forge a new ring. A new ring to rule them all.

You have been listening to Benjamin Walker's Theory of Everything. This installment is called Time Traveling Trump. This installment was produced by me, Benjamin Walker, with Andrew Calloway, and it featured TOE special correspondent Chris. The Theory of Everything is a proud member of Radiotopia, home to some of the world's best podcasts. Find them all at radiotopia.fm.