Benjamen Walker's Theory of Everything - ToE 2019 Radiotopia Fundraiser Spectacular!

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

Every Radiotopia podcast created a special episode for the 2019 Fundraiser. Many of these gems focus on the idea of a dream show as in what would your dream show be? well I am already making my dream show and that is thanks to you dear listener.  Yes, sometimes there are sponsors but the majority of the support for this podcast comes from listeners who donate to the Radiotopia annual fundraiser. In fact it is thanks to you that I have the freedom to say no to particular brands and products who would like to connect with you. So for our special episode we dive into the rejected sponsor pile - hear the best of the worst! ** Make your mark. Go to radiotopia.fm to donate today.

Welcome, dear listener, to the 2019 Theory of Everything Radiotopia fundraiser mini-episode spectacular. You might not know this, but pretty much all of the support for this podcast comes from these annual fundraisers. It's really how we get to do what we do. It's how I get to make the show I want to make. We do get some support from sponsors, but for this show in particular, it is a relatively small amount.

And, you know, that's, to be honest, because of the support we get from listeners like you. It's the reason why I can afford to say no to some of the potential sponsors who I just don't think are a good fit. And so for our mini episode spectacular, I thought I'd take you into the reject pile and show you some of the copy that you would have heard on this podcast if I couldn't count on your generous listener support. So I've got TOE producer Andrew Calloway here with me in the studio, and we're going to go through some of the best of the worst. And I'd just like to say that the main reason Benjamin says no to all these advertisers is out of respect for you, our listeners.

At least I can't see another reason to turn down piles of money from companies like Extra Fancy Artisanal Gourmet Elite Box. Oh, I forgot about this one. Here's the copy. Let's face it. You are just better than your neighbors. You're smarter, richer, and better looking. Blue Apron Sun Basket, You can't eat that garbage.

You don't even want those boxes polluting your doorstep. It is time to show the world who you truly are. With a monthly subscription to Extra Fancy Artisanal Gourmet Elite Box. And check this out. Oh, yeah. You actually kept the box for this one. Hell, yeah. We got a Kimime Rustic Rice Blend,

harvested from five elite regions of Japan. Ah, I see. I thought it was like elite, you know, as in an option, like they'd have a regular and an elite version for this, but I see now. Everything is elite. Yeah. Here's a jar of something called an Heirloom Rui.

Oh, I see. It's like a french aioli which is you know basically mayo yeah it looks like it's just like chimotle mayo but uh sustainable yeah but you know this isn't terrible terrible why why did we say no to this one oh well you know that was that was this uh yeah the organic c organic CBD saffron tincture. Yeah, it goes with the slide and the copy. Yeah, let's see. So with every monthly box, you will get a special elite CBD product that is not just handcrafted and fair trade, but also has medicinal powers that can counteract the growth and spread of cancer.

Yeah, and I should stress that that line is bolded, which means it's a must-read host red line. But, you know, if you do somehow end up with cancer, despite the powers of CBD, this next product might just be for you. Do you, Benjamin, remember Hospital Helper? How could I forget this one? I actually heard a spot for Hospital Helper on another podcast the other day.

I don't want to name and shame, but I can guarantee you it was not a Radiotopia podcast. That's for sure. Do we have the copy? Yes, but just one second, because they also sent some audio clips for this one. Let me just put on the music track. Ooh. A bad diagnosis is one of the worst things that can happen to a family. But there is something worse, and that's when the bill comes in the mail.

Two-thirds of bankruptcies in the United States stem from hospital bills. And now that insurance companies across America are recommending that patients turn to crowdfunding, well, it's just not that easy to raise money like it used to be. Hospital Helper will help your campaign stand out above the rest. Having a hard time with begging? Don't hop into hospice. Hospital Helper will connect you with donors who can keep you alive. Oh my god. They actually sent a few testimonials over with the copy. This one is from Lisa in Duluth. When my mom got cancer, I thought we would never reach her fundraising goal. But when I signed up for Hospital Helper,

they promoted a hilarious chemo fail video I posted to Facebook, and my mom went viral. She was so happy to reach her goal. May she rest in peace. Oh my god. Yeah, there's like no way we were going to run that one. Yeah, but this next one though, I still think we shouldn't have turned it down. Plas money. I think some of our have turned it down. Plas Money.

I think some of our listeners would have been really interested in this. You know, for a little side cash, keep the lights on. No, no, no, no, Andrew. Plas Money is dark. Darkness. Let's check out their copy. America doesn't make anything anymore, says who. Get in on a hot new product that the world wants, American blood. Two out of every 100 container ships leaving American shores are now loaded up with blood. And experts believe this number is only going to rise. So sign up for PlasMoney now

and you can get a guaranteed five-year payout rate that won't change even if the market tanks. And if you use the offer code theory, your bloodletting device will come with the Theory of Everything podcast logo printed on the tube. Oh, and I've got that right here, actually. Looks pretty good, doesn't it? Yeah, I guess, you know, you'd be able to see, able to see some of your blood money going to a cause you supported, that being this podcast. And I think her logo would look pretty good in red. Yeah, but you know what, dear listener?

I don't want your blood, and I'll never ask for your blood. That's not the kind of support we're asking for. But you can go to Radiotopia.fm and become a sustaining member for $7 or more. Even a one-time $1 donation will help us. Okay, but moving on. This next one we were almost excited about for a second. D-Lister. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Most of you out there listening to my voice are on a list. Lists made by credit agencies, online marketers, social media companies, right-wing think-thanks, bioengineering startups. D-Lister can help you clear your name. So this one is actually a product that I wish I could believe in, especially right now because it is truly mind-boggling how many real lists most of us, especially TOE listeners, are on. Lists that purport to know our political beliefs and

cultural preferences and genetic makeup. These lists, who cares if they're accurate or not, but they are going to be used soon. Not just to sell us stuff, but... For government stuff? Well, yeah, but I'm more worried about the independent paramilitary types. Like, think Jacob Wohl with guns, who will take it upon themselves to download these lists

and use them to self-investigate and determine who gets disappeared and who gets sent to the re-education camps. So you're not sure we can trust this delister? Well, look, Andrew, any company can be hacked. And think how valuable the delister list would be to the people who want to separate, say, the TOE listeners from true American patriots. Oof. Well, those of you who might want to be a little more proactive in the coming Civil War, there is one more sponsor I'd like to share.

Another subscription box. A therapy box? No, no, no. That was self-care crate. And no, it's not that. This one I actually never even showed you because it's just too much. It's a

gun in a box. Come on. Gun in a box? Like what? A box of a gun box? You're saying like there's a sponsor that wants to send guns in the mail like in a a box, one a month. Yep. If you subscribe, but they only send us one sample.

Wait, we got a gun in a box and you didn't tell me. Where is it? Well, I carry it on my person at all times now. Come on. It came with instructions on how to get a concealed carry permit. It's not even that hard. Give it to me. Well, hold on.

That's my gun. Hey, hey, hey. It's loaded. It's loaded. Good, good, because we can't just introduce a gun and not have it go off. That would be bad podcasting, Andrew. Okay, but that's only if we introduce the gun in the first act. You know, I think here, introducing it towards the end of our spectacular, that's just enough of a payoff.

Where's the safety on this thing? Okay, well, don't just... Oh! Whoa! Hey! Woo! Gun in a box! No, just point it out!

Gun in a box! Point it out! You have been listening to Benjamin Walker's Theory of Everything, 2019 Radiotopia, fundraiser, mini-episode, spectacle. You know, dear listener, there is one list that you do want to be on, and that is the Radiotopia donors list. So go to Radiotopia.fm right now and donate.

Even just $1. Every pledge matters. Make your mark. And let me know when you have. You can find me on Twitter at Benjamin Walker. That's B-E-N-J-A-M-E-N with an E. Or at TheoryofEverythingPodcast.com. With your help, we can keep this Radiotopia thing going forever.

Thanks.