Berner Phone - Alex Boniello: Becoming A Broadway Actor & Anxiety Disorders

Episode Date: January 29, 2020

He is the first Broadway Actor to be on Berning In Hell! He played the troubled teen on Evan Hansen for 2 years and this week is departing from the show. He discusses how he got the role, why he is an interesting weirdo, how much he hates auditioning, dealing with external validation, getting diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, exposure therapy, the first time he had an anxiety attack on stage, transcendental meditation, what he’s going to do after the show, advice for performing at the highest level, being a witch and a Slytherin.COME TO AN UPCOMING COMEDY SHOW IN LA, SF, TEXAS, AND NASHVILLE!--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When I hit the first, the end of my first year, I was like, I could do this forever. Yeah. And then I'll never forget, like, this first performance after the year, after I had known I had, like, signed on for like another large amount of time. I was like, all right, dude. Like, you really got to, like, pace yourself. You got to figure this out. I'm just laughing because it sounds like all my relationships. Like the first year, I'm like, I can do this forever.

In the second year, you're like, what? Welcome to Burning. We are in the dark depths of hell with our first ever Broadway actor. We've had a lot of bachelor guys. We've had DJs, not to say anything bad about them, but there have been some complaints that I'm mean to the men on the show. I take that to heart, so I'm going to be really mean to this current guest. His name is Alex Bonnello.

And he, did I pronounce it, right? You did great. because I am half Italian. Well, I'm only Italian, I think. Okay, so you win the Italian war that we're in right now. We're in Italy's your family from. I think it's Naples. I'm not exactly sure, but it is a fight, and I am winning.

Okay, well, you're a southern Italian just like me. We're dirty fools. So just a brief intro on Alex, his show that he's on, is Dear Evan Hansen, if you haven't heard of it, what are you doing? What have you been up to lately? I went to see this play, and it was triggering for me.

How would you explain what's your, like, pitch for what DeRaven Hansen? Yeah, it's actually super hard because you don't want to give much away. You're like, everyone dies. Not everyone. I've done plays where mostly everyone dies. Not this one, thankfully. Well, speaking of, you were in a Shakespearean thing. Shakespearean thing.

I mean, wait, what's Spring Awakening? Spring Awakening? Well, it was a play written in the 1800s. Okay, so he's a Tony Award-winning. producer. That's also true. Oh my gosh. The legitimacy in this room is incredible. I'm so nervous. I'm making up stuff about Shakespeare. I actually don't know anything about anything. You're doing great. Keep going. Yeah, keep going. They say you should be quiet if you don't know things, but I have a podcast, so I don't know what to do. So he was in this 2015 Broadway revival

of Spring Awakening, and he's for two years been Connor Murphy and Dear Evan Hanson on Broadway. I saw it. It was spectacular. I had so many mixed emotions, but I think it hits on kind of like bullying in the social media world it addressed suicide address anxiety and you've been a really strong voice in that which is pretty cool thank you because you don't have to be you could have just done your part and then like go home and play with your cat or whatever yeah but i think you have to be i think you i don't think you have to be but i think you should be just like speaking as like an employee of a company like it's good for the company to have somebody talking about it who's got like experience with it because it's it's just like a good look for your employers and stuff. Do you think it helped you get the

part? No, I don't think so. I would imagine that because I'd spoken about my, you know, my life living as somebody with mental illness before, but I don't think they, you know, I was the first person to ever replace in the role. So I think they were just more concerned about like really finding the first person who they could pass the baton to to make sure that like the show doesn't fall apart. How were you different from the previous actor? because that stuff fascinates me the rotating characters in shows. I'm six inches shorter than him. I'm much shorter than him. He's, uh,

his name's Mike, he's very, very tall. Is he, like, single? I don't actually know what's up with Mike right now. I've heard rumor about that. Mike is a hot name, but anyway, sorry, back to you. Anyway, I'm single. I'll text him after this, let him know. Okay.

Yeah, no, I mean, part of the beauty of the show is a lot of shows, when you're replacing it, a lot of times, the team will be like, We know what works. We don't want to fuck with it. We really want to keep it, you know, going. So, like, if you're replacing them, like, a long-running show, they may be looking for, you know, you may be different than the last person, but you may get into the rehearsal room

and they say, hey, we really know that if you do an upward inflection on this line, you're going to get a laugh. So just do that. And that, for me, is not what I come to acting for. You know what I mean? Like, I want to be able to bring whatever part of myself is. And this team's been really great with that because they, I think, very quickly realized that because it's kind of such a real and human story they um you have to make it your own yeah in

some way i mean of course there are things i have to do like i have to stand certain places so that i in lights yeah but like for the most part you're like i'm a rebel i don't need the lights yeah that'd be that'd be a great way to get fired i'm in a dark place for my character they're like hey no one can see you um i also i do think like with comedy too if someone says a line a certain way or joke a certain way it's not going to hit the same when i say it right it's so different So it's like, it must be hard for them to realize like, okay, you're going to make this part your own. I mean, look at the head of Hanson characters. They've all been so different.

Yes. But how's the chemistry on the cast? It's great. I mean, I've been through, I was just talking with somebody in the building the other day. And I currently think, I don't think I'm wrong on this, that I am the person who's done the show with the most people ever in the history of the show. Oh, my gosh. Just given that, like, when I came in, so when I came into the show, probably like a few months before. or most of the original cast started leaving, right?

So, like, when I came in, only two of the people were not the original cast. So I was sort of in a very interesting transitional space where I was with that original group of people who, of course, that kind of bond is, like, a very tight thing. So you're creating a show together for years. And then, you know, then I kind of hung around and people came, then people came for a little while, and then they went out on the tour of the show. Or, like, people came, did a year left, but, like, I was still there. I was 27 when I started the job.

Um, and everybody was older, like, all the, all the other teens were like older than me. And now I'm opposite Andrew, who when he started, he was 16 years old. So I'm 13 years his senior, like looking at him. But I take it as a strong compliment that I believably look like I could be the same age as him. Your skin is great. What is your skincare routine? A lot of prescription things because I had very, very bad acne for well. I was the Italians.

We have olive oil in our skin. It's just the worst. It's just the worst. Very oily. Yeah. Um, sorry to stereotype. But I want to, I don't have a lot of Broadway acne. on actually I never do so I have like dumb questions to ask you how did you get the role

like how did how what was your path to getting on Broadway whenever I watch Broadway I'm sorry just ask you a question I just want to answer but I I feel like I look at these people and I'm like they're living their dream like isn't this what like people who want to be um live acting yeah is that somewhere anyway live acting are their ultimate goal yeah so what was your process to get there yeah i mean i um when i was in high school i i started i started what a lot of people would consider like late um i didn't actually start like giving a shit about acting until i was like 17 or so so like i didn't even start acting like i started acting later than andrew who's playing evan is playing evan on broadway right now do you know what i mean so it's like that's like

a late what were you doing uh playing guitar playing in bands stuff like that cool um So I... You're like just being moody. Just being, just like doing the like work for the roles I would later end up playing. But I, yeah, I mean, I didn't start, I really didn't start doing it until a little later and... But you like performing, clearly. That's, that's right. Yeah. And I kind of very quickly, you know, I did this shows at my high school and I was like, oh, you know, this is something that's pretty interesting to me. And I was at this weird crossroads where, you know, when you're 17 and they're making you decide what you want to be for the rest of your life before you go to colleges and shit, which is garbage.

I was like not sure if I wanted to be. like a musician or if I wanted to be a video game designer or if I wanted to like I was like maybe I'll be an actor and I started looking at schools for like game design and stuff and I like had a portfolio like kind of built and when I was looking at those schools like something in my stomach was like this isn't this isn't right you shouldn't be doing this so I started applying to schools with acting programs and like I simply cannot tell you how unqualified I was to like be doing this like I I sang such bad songs for my auditions like this and that but I think the schools that I got into kind of saw that I was like a sort of an interesting weirdo where they

were like we can maybe do something with this because like all things considered I'm very much not like what you would think of when you think of like a theater actor or a musical theater actor at all especially like my singing voice is not like that I'm not a dancer in any way but I got lucky and did a show the summer into my freshman year of college and a manager for like young people came to see it and they just asked to meet with me and I had like no idea the gravity of that situation at all I was like okay I'll go meet them and I didn't it's that's actually still my manager to this day like 10 years later um so you know throughout college while I was training and like learning how to not suck at this I was going on auditions and stuff um and like what college

I went to Wagner college it's a small school in Staten Island um oh cool So what's weird about that is I would have to, like I'd get an audition and then have to take the Staten Island ferry over, like covered in like piss and shit and like go like to an audition, come back to like make it in time for like my classes. I would like come up with lies as to why I couldn't make it to class, but you couldn't miss the acting classes. So like those are the ones that I always have to make it to. But so throughout all of that I was like, it was a cool way to for four years kind of learn how to audition without the stakes of like you'd need this job to eat. Do you know what I mean? so that was it was really interesting also because like I definitely had a lot of learning to do because I just didn't know what the fuck I was doing were you enjoying it um auditioning fucking sucks I am like here to be like the authority on that as the single only actor you've had it's the like the hardest thing in the whole entire world I don't think I'm especially good at it I think I kind of excel in in the actual room and working with people and like making like what we're doing right now like actually talking to each other auditioning is this strange

parade of like how cute can you make yourself look for this fucking eight hours you prepared on this material when people aren't even making eye contact with you yeah and they'll like look up a little bit and it's just it really is like a really

hard borderline dehumanizing thing so that's a lot of times when there's like a director behind the table who's like kind and like wants to work a little bit in the room you're like oh my God thank you Like, I can actually do this. So I really hate auditioning.

But you're right, the hours you put into it also. Oh, my God. You're not getting paid for that at all. No, but that's the gig. Like, a lot of people, a lot of people have been much smarter than I have been quoted as saying, like, when you're actually working, that's not the job. That's, like, the payoff for the job you've been doing. And the job you've been doing is like.

Auditioning. Auditioning. Like, going to the gym, going to voice lessons, like, making sure you, like, you know, are, like, mentally healthy, which is also, like, being mentally well in this industry is like so not conducive with one another at all it's like designed to make you feel like shit oh my gosh so you have to do a lot of like maintenance on yourself and check i mean performative things such as like sports and comedy and acting it's like you have to have your mind right to be successful at it right too well and also like when you're bearing your

you know you're bearing your soul to people you're showing them part of you sometimes it's it's really hard to do that if you aren't talking with yourself. I, you know, I had, um, after my, after my first Broadway show, that spring awakening show, um, I like had an idea of how things were going to go after that. Um, and it just like didn't happen. Like I like was smacked in the face with just like unemployment and like no one was interested in like doing anything with me. And that was I, like that like six months following that was like one of the most difficult,

but like in retrospect like important parts of I think this whole journey for me just because like I really just didn't expect how what it was going to feel like to be doing it every night and then to be doing nothing have it taken away that's right and and also like you know thinking your shit doesn't smell because you like did it at 24 or whatever and thinking you're like yeah like I'm going to move on to like great other people say this is hard but it wasn't yeah right and you're like great like I nailed that like I'm going to move on to like TV and film and that's going to be great and like when it just doesn't happen you you really are forced to talk with yourself and that's you know as like the old guy in the building now at work it's kind of the thing i it's kind of the

thing i talked to the younger actors about we you know we had an actor who was leaving uh over the summer or something and she's young i think she's she's 19 years old she like got the job right out of high school and i was like giving like unsolicited advice that was like hi like listen just like as you're leaving you know try to try to like have a schedule like you know make sure that you're not like sitting at home too much make sure you're not you know like try to keep healthy habits up this and that because it's going to be weird and you're going to find that out and I remember school doesn't teach you that no well school does not teach you that and also like in this case and with you know a lot of my fellow actors in dear Evan Hanson a lot of them didn't go to school they did high school

and then went right into it so or some of them might have been homeschooled yeah anything there's there's so many different ways and I remember I saw her for the first time after a few months at like a little, like a taco eating party, which... Ooh, that sounds fun. She came up to me and she was like, you were totally right. She was like, thank you for saying that to me. She was like, because you were right. It's a really weird thing when you're not given...

When your job and your passion are the same thing, which is also like I could have a whole conversation about, but when that happens, and then when you aren't allowed to do it anymore, like, you're like, what am I supposed to do with myself? This is the thing I do. Also, acting, you almost have to be... like appointed by someone else to say you can do this role. That's exactly right. We're like comedy as a stand-up. It's a little different where like I can just like go to spots

whenever. That's right. It's, it's different than acting where you have to have someone else give you the opportunity, which almost like I feel can make you feel like a loss of control. You feel an incredible loss of control. And it's, it also like robs your, you're just so unvalidated constantly. Like I've, you know, I've spent a lot of time in the, like, it's going to sound silly in the last few years like learning the power of validate like just like validating someone which is something I personally am not so good at because I'm a very very like Dwight shrewd in my levels of like this is false this is true I'm very black and white in that way but you know speaking a lot with like my girlfriend and and who's like a much more empathetic

person than me she's like always talking to me about how valuable validation is for people and sometimes sometimes people don't want you to like give them a solution which is what I like to do a lot A lot of times it's just like, please just tell me that, like, I'm not stupid for feeling the way I'm feeling or something like that. 100%. Right. And I've learned that with this job, you're pretty much like being unvalidated all the time after every audition you go to. Because you go to the audition, maybe you fucking killed it and you did like the best imaginable work you could possibly do. But their cousin's going to get it.

Maybe their cousin will get it. Or maybe like, you didn't know this, but they're just, you know, somebody thought the character was taller. and like maybe you nailed it and that's that that is what it is but you don't hear it you don't hear a thing about it you only ever hear anything if you're like really fucking close to getting the gig and you know and then sometimes and then it's still like we liked you but there's someone we liked way more I'm sorry right right or yeah or I sometimes personally rather would hear that like you know like hey this person just had like a better grasp of the material because in that case I'm like yeah all right that's something active but

when for me it's like, hey, you were like two clicks not hot enough for this one. Some people may have a different experience. Maybe some people like would rather hear that it was out of their control. In my case, I fucking hate when it's out of my control because I can't work on it. There's nothing I can do. And I'm just supposed to sit there and take, you know, take it and like, you know. I love two clicks hot. Are you going to date?

It's like, sorry, you need to be about three clicks hotter. Three clicks. Just like, and this would have worked. Oh, click it up. But yeah, Broadway is such a beautiful celebration of I feel like all these people who are like finally I can unleash my talents but do you ever not want to go up at night constantly yeah of course it's a it's a crazy schedule it is so hard it's for those listening who don't know it's you do eight shows a week um you have one day off um during your seven days of a week and two of those days you'll have

two shows in a day um and it's it's you learn so much about like because a lot of times people like yeah but you're only working like those three hours a day but you're like nah dude but like I have to do so much maintenance to just make sure that I'm like capable of doing this. Somebody once said this quote to me that I've been in love with ever since I heard it. It's like, yeah, everybody wants to live their dreams, but they only want to live their dreams three days a week. Like, no matter how much you love to do something in a lot of cases, some days you just don't want to. Yeah. Like you have to.

But then you feel guilty. You're like, this is what I always wanted. This is not what I wanted. I mean, you kind of hit on it earlier, but I want to delve into it. How you said like when you love your job and your job. and your job is your life. Right. What problems arise?

Well, things like that, right? Things just like that. There's like that thing where you're like, I don't feel like doing this tonight for whatever reason. Maybe I'm like just like, maybe I'm just hired. Maybe like in my case, you know, maybe I don't want to have to go to a place where I need to kill myself tonight. Like I, you know what I mean?

Like sometimes you don't. Spoiler or love for Deer Evan Hanson, sorry. Sometimes I know. Sometimes I'm not, I'm really not in a funny mood. You know when like something pissed you off and you hate everyone, then I have to go on stage in front of street. in front of strangers who I'm a New Yorker I just want to put my subway face on

and like pretend I'm alone most of the time I have to in front of strangers be a fucking clown and be like let's all laugh together so I totally get it what is it like to play someone who commits suicide every night yeah strangely enough the same thing happened in the last Broadway show I was in

wow yeah so when I told my mom I got this job I know I know when I told my mom that I got this job she was like oh again and I which is like you know because it's not fun for a parent to watch but no I think I think it's it's very very different it's different depending on how you do it right

because like I look at it from you know there there are probably some actors out there who are like yeah like I got to play this role with like such depth it's going to look this way to me I'm like I was afraid of like the Heath Ledger's story well sure that I mean anything's anything in this case that kind of thing is like totally not maintainable for like a Broadway schedule

this answer may sound like bullshit like but it's just it's truly not I look at it from a place of like I'm very honored to do it because sometimes people need really need to see it um sometimes people really really need to see it and it means a lot to me to kind of be the vessel to be the person who's given the opportunity to tell that story yeah because you know in the last in the last show I did the spring awakening show you know the character the character dies because he's given up on by like people around him like you know what I mean and he feels like he has nowhere else to go which is like the worst thing in the world and sometimes I think of like maybe the parent who's having a kid who's like going through a

hard time and they're getting really frustrated with their kid and then they see a story like that and maybe they just take a step back and they're able to like start a conversation with their kid and I think I think that's really where Dear Evan Hanson excels and kind of why it's such a huge hit is because it's not just a show that succeeds for young people to see themselves and the things they're going through represented but there are also three adults in the show who are parents who are also going through different things and I always think about you know my character's parents had two very different ways of dealing with him you know again for those listening he's a very sick kid he's he's angry he's isolated he people don't understand him

and he's he's got a lot going on and you know the mom is work trying to throw money at it and she's like well if we send him to a yoga retreat or if we send him to rehab and the dad is like well we just need to be fucking harder on him and tell him to stop you know and there are so many stories and and things out there of of people just not knowing how to deal with someone who isn't well yeah and i think i think that um and there's multiple characters that aren't really well in the no i would that's why it's so scary that's right i mean i think that's kind of the beautiful one of the most beautiful things about the show and um you may not have noticed this we're really gonna do some like inside the actor's studio spoiler stuff here so if you really don't want to

know what happens in jervyn hanson a show that's been on broadway for three years just leave a Five-star review and leave. Leave a five-star review and then back up. But, you know, a lot of the things that are discussed are Evan and Connor are two very, very different people. But I think that one of the most beautiful things about the show is early in the show, there's a scene, kind of the inciting incident of the whole show where they're in a computer lab together. And if you're paying attention, you'll really notice that these two people who are incredibly different are not different at all. They're going through the, like, the exact same thing, kind of just wearing different glasses. glasses through it.

Yeah, coping with it just a little differently. That's right. That's right. And, you know, as the show goes on, and, you know,

after my character has died and he comes back throughout the show and he's doing things, you'll notice that Evan starts dressing like Connor. He starts wearing the exact same hoodie. Theoretically, it was his hoodie that he, you know, borrowed at some point.

And I think it's like, when you notice those things, you really realize that, like, we really have so much in common with each other. Yeah. but that like facing problems in different ways not that one is right or wrong but you can result in different I just plays are so powerful when someone passes away in a play because it's you don't have you're not just watching a documentary or seeing something in real life that you sometimes can't

stop to analyze because you're so emotional but it's like you can be like if this happened and then everyone can relate and then you come on stage at the end everyone's like oh thank god he's back that's right yeah it's it's a it's a really it's a really interesting thing especially in this show because you know the character's death is so much it's so it's just important to the like bones of the show like the show wouldn't happen had he not died um and I also love that like he was necessarily the likable character what do you mean in the beginning as in like

people weren't pushing that like friend he didn't have like a lot of the friends he kind of was mean to the main character a little bit and you didn't know how to feel about him that's exactly right and I think that's great that then you don't really know how to feel about the main character with things that he does and I do think that everything in life is about perspective and everything is nothing's black and white right well you know and something something I'm happy you said that because I think that's kind of the brilliance in the writing is that when when Connor is alive we don't get a chance to get to know him so that when he comes when he comes back later in the show you're seeing

Evan's idea of what Connor is and the thing that's got chills well I'm glad it worked the thing the thing that's important about that to me is that like we don't know Connor and we don't get a chance to know him and I think that that should remind people you know I always talk to young kids like maybe had a talk back after seeing the show or something I'm like take take a minute to like that kid that kid who maybe makes you a little uncomfortable at your school who you don't know in like the lunchroom just like talk to them for a second and you know maybe it's not going to go well but you you reached out and you you you you reached out and you you you You made an effort to get to know somebody, and I think that, like, I think that for someone like Connor, I think that if more effort was made to get to know him, rather than say, yeah, that kid's a fucking nightmare. Like, what's going on with him? Yeah, he threw, you know, in the show, they say he threw a printer at his teacher in second grade, like, and then that happens.

And then no one ever, he's always the kid who threw a printer at his teacher. Instead, like, why don't you say, like, man, I hope he's okay. Like, I'm just going to, I'm going to sit with him at lunch and just see what happens. And, like, again, it might suck. But, like, you don't know what that means to them. I also think it's cool to see how everyone copes differently. Like, I think so many, even the popular kids, can feel a similar way where they're feeling alone and misunderstood,

but they just happen to, like, have boobs or, like, they just happen to have a rich family. So whatever reason they're in a certain click, it's pretty, like, widely known online when I was Googling that you were diagnosed at 17 with anxiety disorder. Can you explain kind of what led to that diagnosis? and what you were exactly diagnosed with. That's right.

Yeah. So it was pretty sudden for me. I remember the day I had my first overwhelming panic attack, I had a health class earlier in the afternoon. And I remember we were learning the symptoms of a heart attack. Oh, my God. So you're like, you're like, oh, wow, like your arm goes numb. Oh, your chest, this and that.

Oh, you start to feel XYZ, whatever. So like I had learned that, right? Not like an hour and a half later. I'm in the lunchroom. and then my first panic attack ever brought on by nothing happened and I remember sitting there being like oh that's weird my my hands are tingling they said that happens in a heart attack and I was like oh wait my arm feels weird and then all the physical sensations of having a heart attack started happening to me and you know I don't even know what anxiety really is at this point so I'm like

freaking out I go to the nurse's office like the nurse you know bless this woman's heart doesn't really know how to deal with this all she sees is like a seemingly healthy young person whose heart is going fucking crazy they send me to the doctor I leave school I go to the doctor and the doctor hooks me up to like the EKG like all the like heart monitoring machines and stuff and of course this is simply only making it worse for me I'm like freaking out really not knowing to do and then like as I calm down like everything starts chilling out the doctor leaves well the doctor comes back and I remember he said well you're all right and I said what do you mean I'm all right like what do you mean and like my mom is in the room and I will never forget as long as I live

he said to me, well, I mean, you're fine. You could, I don't know, go play a soccer game or something right now. And I was like, why the fuck are you bringing up soccer, my dude? Like, there's like a kid freaking out on your table. So like that kind of shit, like, was totally, it was like not, I didn't have an answer, which was really, really frustrating for me. I always say when I go to the doctor, if you ever ever checkup, they're like, okay, do you have any allergies?

Are you sleeping well? Are you depressed? Are you anxious? Like, they ask it so nonchalantly. you're just like, no, like, even if I was, which a lot of time I am, I'm not going to, like, you have to look someone in the fucking eye and be like, have, like, ask other questions. You don't even know when you're depressed half the time. That's very true, yeah.

But it just, it's just the frustrating thing about it. And I also think that, you know, that was 10 years ago. Yeah. I would imagine stories exactly like that are probably still happening where, like, a medical professional isn't thinking about, because, like, also, I don't know, I have some sympathy because it's like, you know, is that there. job probably but like you know is that their job to you know he's here to look at my heart because I'm complaining about my heart so he's here to like say your heart's all right kid

don't you know whatever um so you know things like that started happening a little bit and then I went to college and weirdly enough throughout most of college I was like pretty okay um but you know after that point my sister is a nurse and she was saying you know it's probably anxiety and I was like that it feels way too physical but if you say so I'll kind of believe you so I went to college things were pretty chill. I did a year, right after college, I did a year on touring with a show with the Green Day musical.

Oh, cool. Which was fun. But I was fine then, too. Nothing really happened. It was when I got back. College was over. That first job was over. I've moved to New York City

and I'm really like living in what like the life of a like working actor is. A lot more time being alone with your thoughts. That's exactly right. And that kind of shit started happening a lot more. And in my case with my anxiety, it's like almost always, always, always. physical it's it's it's it's I don't really get like you know I don't get like oh a lot of things

are happening around me I'm getting stressed out I'm getting stressed out too many people are talking a panic attack for me it's I'm just sitting on the couch and all of a sudden like I'll feel something and then it'll stew for days and days and days as it slowly gets worse and my brain calls more attention to that abnormality that I felt yeah and all of a sudden I think I have stomach cancer and I'm like getting an MRI I love that you're talking about this it's really important because I um I know a lot of dudes I've hung out I'm 28 years old I've I've I've met had a lot of men in my life and there's recently this guy who I was seeing who is the most like alpha like hockey player model like tattoos so you're describing me yeah awesome I feel like

that joke will land if you google my face and it gone but anyway he's like he's so just like alpha and he thought he was having a heart attack and called me to go to the hospital and I not like I'm semi knowledgeable about this stuff and I was like this is just anxiety and he's like there's no way like my heart is hurting and he's been like complaining about it for a long time and I was like I know for a fucking fact you're going to waste thousands of dollars right now they're going to do all these tests on you your heart is fine and I think so many men do show anxiety through just physical stuff but it's weird because it's like it's not like it's not hurting it like your chest tight and he's just complaining like my chest is so tight my chest so tight and I'm

I'm like, but it's, it stems from your mind. When it's happening to you for the first time, like, and even when it's happening to you for the hundredth time, it's, it's so hard for you to, um, be, like, to come to grips with the fact that, like, that, that very real sensation you're feeling physically is a product of your mind. Your mind is it such a powerful thing. Yeah. And it's, it's still to this.

People have different physical reactions. Of course, too. Yeah, of course. And I like, sometimes new shit'll just prop up. Like, I, um, have recently been feeling like, really like really tired and run down and not well and like I call it kind of like a brain fog where like it feels like you're dizzy but you're not dizzy and I've been feeling that and I keep saying I'm like why am I feeling this why am I feeling this and then because I've been pretty good

for a while but then I was like well dude look in the mirror for a second you're rehearsing for a show that's like your first time like playing your music in front of people you've got that show coming up and then in two weeks you lose your job so you might not be thinking about it like actively but your body knows what's up yeah so many times I've been in situations like even I like to use relationships as an example that like you're not happy but you're not telling yourself you're not happy and then one day you just like your heart's beating or like you just start crying for no reason and it's like your body will tell you when your mind won't tell you that's right if you ignore problems they will surface in different ways that's very right

I even say like once some lady like I was just like always bloated this is like a sex the fact about me and I'm like is there like should I stop eating dairy like should I move to LA and like change around her lifestyle and she was like are you holding something in I know that sounds so like you know witch like or whatever but it's like I'm literally a witch so that can come up if we want are you a witch sort of oh my god please explain is it because you're going with your belly but yeah she was like you're holding something in and then I realized like I wasn't telling this guy that I wanted to break up with him and like I wasn't I just was holding stuff in and I wasn't being in alignment with

myself. So a lot of the time, like, your body and mine are interconnected. We're not two separate, like, souls. And it's a beautiful connection of things. And if you ignore one thing, it's going to be like whack-a-mole. It'll pop up somewhere else. Yeah. No, you're, it's, you could, you really couldn't be more right. It's a really, it's a really wild thing. And, like, what kind of sucks is, like, you get better at it with practice. Like, through therapy and through XYZ, um, I did something called, uh, CBT, not CBT. Yes, no, CBT. I, sorry, Sorry, I've heard so many, like, podcast ads about fucking CBD. Oh, yeah.

I'm like, I can't even think of, like, what's working anymore. Cognitive behavioral therapy. Yes, yes, cognitive behavioral therapy. Where in my case, like, I'm going to get, I'm going to get, like, real good with you. I, um, one of my stronger anxiety things outside of the like, I think I'm dying, XYZ. One of them for years and years and years was being afraid that I was going to literally shit myself. Like, I'm not kidding. That's amazing.

Because I had, um, because I had, um, I had, uh, yeah, here we go. Because I had, I had, I had irritable bowel syndrome and like all these problems and like there were so many times where I like would find myself just like everything's fine and all of a sudden I'd like run to the bathroom and it's like really embarrassing. And over years of that happening, I built up so much around it that like I would be afraid to go, I would be afraid to go on the subway for anything more than like 25 minutes. So if it was more than 25 minutes, I would get a cab and I can't at that time couldn't afford cab. So I was like all of this stuff was being built up. So a lot of my CBT, and if anybody listening is like finding something, like, look up CBT series anybody because it really was helpful. It's an exposure therapy where you, like, are forced to kind of deal with the things that make you nervous. People do it for like public speaking.

Yes, flying is a really popular one. But so for me, things that involved that was like I wasn't eating well. I wasn't feeding myself well because I would be like afraid that if I ate too big of a meal, I wouldn't be able to perform because I might have to use the bathroom while I'm performing. Yeah, performing like doing a two hour play. That's exactly right. So I would. And you always have to go to the meal. the worst possible thing that I would do.

What if I can never act again? That's exactly right. And then you're like, well, now we're here. That's exactly right. So I, you know, so you do, now the year's ruined. The year, the decade is ruined. So you, you work on that and like some things I did were like, you know, my therapist, like we would rate on a scale of one to ten.

Like what would stress you out the most like doing X, Y, X, Y, X, Y, Z. And like one of them would be like eating like a Chipotle burrito right before a performance of the show. And like you slowly do easier things. But then eventually as you're working on it, you're finding yourself being, like, I'm not scared to eat before the show anymore. Also, IVS is triggered by anxiety. That's exactly right.

And that's exactly right. And I, I, you know, it's a really... You're like, now I just eat Chipotle, bitches. No, no, I do not, I do not eat any Chipotle. I still, I've had too many non-anxiety related experiences dealing with Chipotle to just keep me away from that forever. I want to go dark, then I want to build it back up a little light and then go dark again. Sure.

Were you ever suicidal? I was not. Okay. was not sometimes um i there were there were definitely times where i like how do i put this there were definitely times where it was getting so bad that like the darkest parts of me were like if i don't do something about this in a year we might be there right like where like i was so because like the weird thing about having anxiety disorder too is that like that like that and depression go hand at hand yeah in a way that like i don't find my i don't find that i don't find that i get depressed without also

being anxious so like i get depressed when i've been anxious for so long that it's interfering with my And there was there were more than one times in my life where it was like you know like it would be I couldn't even get out of bed. I was so anxious of like being dizzy or something and then like turns out when you lay down for long periods of time and then try to stand you get dizzy. So then I would just like lay in the bed and like all these things. So no to answer your question now. I just it's fascinating to have you on because you guys have to understand this man is one of the like most successful highest performing like Broadway actors every fucking night in one of the time. Top shows that everyone in the whole world wants to see. And he's at days where he hasn't been able to get out of bed or thought himself into a psychotic. And I mean it psychotic because it's not always logical. Right. How do you now kind of deal with your mind?

So therapy really was unbelievably helpful for me. And I don't know if I've said this out loud like in a way that's public before, but Dear Evan Hansen really helped because it came, I got the job at a time when I really needed a schedule fucking bad. you're like and the money was nice well yes that that also helped a lot but it came it came at a point

because right before I got this job I was doing an off-broadway show do you know the film Cruel Intentions Yes there was a musical about it with like 90s music oh cool and I was in that and I will never forget as long as I live because I always said I was like you know my anxiety I can manage it XYZ XYZ

but the second it interferes with my work that is not acceptable to me and it will never forget as long as I live I've had panic attacks on stage before but I've been able to like deal with them I finished the act one finale of that show went off stage and just wept back stage I had such a horrible horrible panic attack

I felt so thank God for that cast because they were so cool about it they like understood what was happening Was there something about that day that triggered it? I don't know I couldn't tell you so when that and so like I had to call out of the show halfway through my poor understudy who's allowed to leave at intermission

they told him he like had to turn around and come back bless him too and I went to a hospital for like the fifth time in my life with like anxiety and XYZ my my dad was great he lived we live in they live in Jersey so he like drove into the city and like drove me to the hospital and we like dealt with it and I just had a moment where I was like this can't this can't keep this can't ever happening because I had at that point knew that I had had dear Evan Hanson coming and I was like this can't keep happening so it was at that point that I really got serious about finding the right therapist I started doing transcendental meditation which sounds so fancy

and like really really rich crazy like super fancy people do it and you're like not allowed to talk about it and like what it is it's fight club it's sort of like fight club with your mind yes so you know that combined with

the therapy combined with the structure of having the eight show week again and then going to the gym like all of these things and building a schedule for myself and it's also it's unique to you like your schedule and the way you find your help Like, I always say, like, find your healthy, like, friend group. Find your, like, just find your zone where you're just, like, you know, I like to say in alignment.

Yeah. You're now at this place where the show's ending in two weeks. That's right. Well, not the show. The show. My time and the show will come to that. I guess your contract is up. Yeah.

What are your emotions? What are you feeling right now? It's really, it's really interesting. I'm very emotionally ready because, you know, at this point, I don't know the exact number, some really cool people on Twitter do but it's it's I'm at like 675 performances like of doing the exact same thing every night of of it just it just you reach a point where you know you never can just like mindly do like do it with no you really you it's like sometimes you do and that experience will happen where you like you know when you're like driving and you're like

you black out wait a minute I got to my location and nobody's dead oh fuck that totally happens sometimes um with the show but the thing of the thing of it is is is with this specific show um again the show itself is so good and it's so well written that there's always something to really get in get into so so you know i'm i'm thankful there but you know you can't like bullshit your way through it because people will people will see um and also because the show deserves better than that and it's my job to not do that so you know you reach you just reach it you reach a point the first year i was like i when i hit the first the end of my first year i was like i could do this forever yeah and then i'll never forget like this first performance after the year after i had

known i had like signed on for like another large amount of time i was like all right dude like you really got to like pace yourself you got to figure this out because it sounds like all my relationships like the first year i'm like i can do this forever in the second year you're like what yes wait what plus you're totally fine you're totally fine you're doing great i think you're doing great you look great you sound great everything's great thank you and i love my haircut but anyway It's like my first job. I was working at Betches and I was like a video producer. I was writing funny videos.

I was editing and I was like, I'm meant for this. And I was like, I don't see myself ever doing anything different. And that's like why I don't get tattoos. Like because it's just you, that's not how life is. Right. So you're about to go from a place of like schedule to now like what's next. Yeah, that's right. So this was my choice.

It felt like the right time because also like, you know, you have to close a door sometimes to open a new one for an opportunity to show up. So, you know, the goal is to leave, kind of take some time to, like, see the friends I've been neglecting and, like, you know, the people who work, like, normal jobs who can only hang out at night and I can't, you know, like that kind of thing. I totally get that.

Yeah, to, like, chill a little bit. I'm going to go to Disney World. Hell yeah. But, yeah, I, I, right away after, my first week after the show is planned, the first thing I'm doing is getting a haircut because I've been growing my hair for two years for this job. Oh, my gosh.

So I'm, like, ready to, like, not have to deal with this anymore. But then I'm going to go, I'm going to the studio to record my music, which I've been working on. So exciting. Which is very exciting. Because that's, you know, part of me that's been a little bit, you know, like, as an actor. It's neglected. It's neglected a little bit. A lot of the, frankly, a lot of the shows I get cast in ask me to play guitar or something like that.

You know, with Spring Awakening, I was on top of, like, the role that I had. I was also the guitarist in the orchestra of the show. so it was a very so that was doing that but you know so I've been waiting to do this and you know a lot of people have said like well is it like singer songwritery stuff like what's the deal and I was like I would truly rather like never pick up an instrument again if I like you heard me writing like coffee house music so it's like well what's kind of the message right now behind your writing well it's it's it's really interesting because what inspired you what's interesting about it is I have always been the kind of person who again I'm an actor so

I am way more comfortable interpreting work by other people So you're like, I'm writing my body as a Wonderland. That's right. It's going to be good. That's right. I can't wait. I'm like, I feel like I've heard that before, but it's okay. Yeah, no, it's totally fine.

I'm going to do it better, but I'm just going to play guitar a little not as good because he's like incredible. But no, no, so I was at that point where I was like, I want to be creating and writing, but like I don't know what the fuck to say. So I met up with a friend of mine whose music I've respected for like the longest time. And we talked about like how to get it going again, that part of your brain. Oh, yeah. so we started writing about it and I just click on it's you have to fucking work to do it

and um you know for every like good song you hear that from like your favorite artist there are fucking 50 that you don't hear that suck that maybe have a little a few ideas yeah very good very good um except you you screenshot them then and put them on instagram when you're proud of them which is a good one and then i get the affirmation that i need and deserve very good yeah just continuing the cycle um yeah so so you know the songs are kind of coming from a place of um Just the things we've been talking about, like, how I've been processing what it is to, like, kind of go from being a young, a young person to now a, like, a young adult, like, officially. Like, people say, like, well, you're, no, like, I'm, like, now at the point where, like,

you know, like, my parents were, like, married by now. Like, you know, like, and we're in a different, we're in, like, a different space just, like, societally, of course. But, like, so my, you know, how I'm responding to that, like, there's a song about what it's like to have an anxiety disorder. There's a song about what it's like to be caught in that cycle of like the validation you need from like your phone and the internet because it's like a problem I have. Yes.

There's the closest thing I have to a love song, which I'm not really that kind of person, but I'll tell you the name of the song. My girlfriend and I were once like not too long ago watching something and like somebody died and she said to me, she's like, man, I would miss you if I died. And I was like, that's so dark and that's a song now because that's the closest thing. You're like, weed is good. That's right, that's right. But it's also true because, you know, I let a friend of mine hear it and he was laughing

because he was like, that's so unromantic that it then becomes so romantic because it's just like an honest. I love that. I also love that when you're creative, like when you, your mind, society created these roles of being like, you're an actor, you're a singer, like your mind is so much more complex than that. So I love seeing creatives like not ignore certain cravings they have for different meetings. DMs. Well, and also, like, you know, what else am I going to do, right? Like, I've learned from the past

experiences of, like, having work end or XYZ or whatever, I, yes, of course, I'm hoping that, like, I'll walk out of this and then, like, go right into, like, a TV series and then I can buy a house, right? Like, of course I'm hoping, of course I'm hoping that that happens. For mansion, Staten Island for like 200 grand. Not Staten Island, keep me away. But, but, but, uh, buy the ferry. But keep me away. Build a bridge. Actually, don't. Please don't. sorry that was mean San Island is fine

I just don't want to live there But but you know Beautiful lawns There are some nice lawns Yeah But so yeah like What can I what can I do to keep To not have to ask

fucking permission to be creative right And I was like this is what I can do I've been a musician since I was 12 years old I should just do this And then you know While I'm auditioning for these TV series I just envisioned you being emo With like a bang over one eye

when you were 12 envisioned what you just look at me still what the fuck i mean my god um you know so it was just like what can i be doing while i'm like auditioning for like the next gig the next thing and it's um yeah it makes you feel productive and create i create do xyz also like you know thankfully dear evan hanson because it's such a big show like now there are a lot of people who didn't know about my work before that and a lot of young people and like i hope to i hope that the music is the kind of music that these young people haven't heard before

because if I had to describe it I would say it's very like I don't know like if like death cab for cutie and like muse they like met somewhere in the middle it's like that like

emo-y but like kind of gets progressive that kind of shit like I'm hoping that these kids who like Deervin Hanson and musicals have like never heard a distorted guitar in their life and they're just gonna be like

whoa what's going on and I keep making jokes because I have my first show at Joe's Pub at the public theater coming up next week, which is very exciting. Beautiful. And we were laughing because I, when I posted the on sale link thinking like, yeah, okay, some like Deer & Hanson fans will buy tickets and then like my friends will buy tickets, but it sold out like a day.

And a lot of my friends didn't get to buy tickets because all the like kids who are fans and that's so annoying because then your friends are like, can you get me in and you're like, I can't, fuck can you do that. No, there are fire codes. There's capacity. But and I'm so insanely like thankful and like blown away. You're like, when I start a fire. Yes.

on stage with my pyro. No, but, like, I was so, I was so blown away by the fact how quickly they bought the tickets. And then I was, like, laughing because I was like, oh, my God, I'm about to have a bunch of, like, you know, like 15-year-olds who've never heard anything like this.

Are they going to hate it? And then my friend was like, if they hate it, they'll pretend they like it. And I was like, hell yeah, dude. Because it's like, you know, it's my music, but then it's like a bunch of covers and songs. Also, you're showing them, like, what is cool? Well, to me, might not be cool.

And they look up to you. Yeah. Do you have a lot of 15. year olds in your dms uh yeah it's it's a lot what are they saying a lot of it um a lot of it will be you know just a young person who's like i saw the show was so amazing thank you so much like i want to be an actor one day cool like and this was like so inspiring and when i see those like of course it really like this is like that's the fucking best it's the best um you know sometimes there are ones from like moms like moms that'll be like i saw the show with my daughter

and i just want to say i loved it so much but you are very handsome like i'll like i'll like at the stage door be like signing an autograph for a kid. I am fully married but yeah like if I wasn't like the worst the worst thing that happens sometimes at the stage door of the show which is after when you like sign autographs for the people it'll be like it'll be like a kid you know being like like like I love the show so much I was so excited to see it and then like you sign you're like thank you so much and then you take the picture with the kid and then the kid's mom goes and I just want to say every time that happens like I'm like oh no no no they're just they're

just like if I would 20 years younger and then you look at their poor poor kid like they like turn B red they're like mom mom fuck no mom so like that's a crazy thing but then of course now to bring it down a little bit then part of part of being in dear of Hansen specifically the role I play is there also will be a lot of messages from like young people who are very much like I guess the word is like they're they're just they have no I don't think they have anyone to talk to so they say like I don't I don't know what to do anymore sometimes I think I might you know hurt myself XYZ and what do you do with those so dear nansen's the best because they assumed responsibility for

triggering for the work that's on stage, right? And I will always be appreciative of that because there's a lot of work out there who uses storylines like this and they don't deal with them properly. Which is incredible. There's going to be reactions of a variety of times. And it's really frustrating for me both

as someone who like cares about first of all young people but also as somebody who's like dealt with their own shit. Like I you want there to be something in place And Deervin Hanson is the fucking best. And they have, they have, they partner with, you go see it. Yeah, well, yes, yes, go see it. But also if you go to Deervenhansen.com slash partners, it's all the organizations that the show's partnered with that are like mental health

organizations. So there's like the Child Mind Institute, the crisis text line where you can just at any point you text, um, seven, four, we're going to find out in a second. But, um, you text this number and then a person, like a real person will answer your text. So you could say, I'm feeling suicidal. I'm not comfortable talking to my mom and dad about it. Someone will answer you, like right away. I love that too because you'll see a lot of,

generic like suicide hotlines right what is the number 741 7474 Hohan I was going to be right yeah yeah and so and so like then there's them there's like the Trevor project like all of these amazing organizations and so what then dear Evan Hansen has in place is it's as if it wasn't already enough that they partner with these these great organizations that I love but they also then so that I don't have to feel too uncomfortable I can screenshot the message you know with with the username or the kid or whatever I will then send it to the people who we've set up for me to send it to our press reps or something like that

and then they get it to the people who need to see it so that intervention happens and I've had on more than one occasion a message from somebody something like that happens I see it I respond to it I sorry I do not respond to it because that's also very important because again I'm not a mental health professional I should probably disclaimer that with everything I've said

yeah me too but but so that you send it's great that they're doing that because you are getting a lot of inbound stuff and that can affect your mental health to be like subjected to that it breaks my fucking heart to have to see these these kids and when I tell you I get a lot responsible in a way that you're catching them at a tough time but yeah a lot of suicide help lines I feel like you don't feel connected to it you're just like this is random but if you see the play and then you see that the play has these

like specifically picked out places for people to go for help it's so fucking awesome of you guys I will say on like more than one occasion I've had times where like I then like venture back into my message request folder just to be like what happened did anything happen and like then that kid like less than hours later will respond and say like thank you somebody reached out to me i don't really know what i'm going to say to them but like i didn't think i didn't think anyone was going to see this and that like it's like i really just can't i can't express enough how like again it's it's enough it would have been enough for the company to like assume responsibility and to have partners but it's another thing to have something in place for us

knowing that knowing what the show does for people and knowing that our faces are the idea they have in their head of they can help me, they can help me when we can't. But it's the best. As someone who's dealt with an anxiety disorder,

do you feel like there's a reason why? Like, is it a genetic thing? Do you think that something happened when you were a child? Like, why do you think it's happening to you? I don't know. I don't know. I think it could be all of it.

I think it could be all of it. I think genetics, I think it's, I think it's, I think we've seen enough times that that's true. Yeah. Um, I'm half Italian and then half like Russian, Austrian, Polish, Jewish. And I'm like, I just have a ton of like immigrants with a lot of trauma, but a good sense of humor. Well, at least you have a sense of humor, I guess.

It depends how you, everyone copes with it differently. I want one piece of advice from you as like, okay, as like, okay, Broadway is like the highest performing level live. I, I think it's obviously like, I think it's incredible. Um, I'm new to. the stand-up world do you have any advice for someone who does deal with anxiety on like being the best performer you could be whether it's like a pre-show thing or like because I also have a really bad phobia of just forgetting all my jokes which is so insane like

it's not insane it's but I have a phobia no it's not insane I get it especially when I'm like a couple months in and I'm like what if I just blank my dude I am here to tell you that that happens every day I get a little scared of that I'm like I've said this I've done this scene fucking 680 times but you never know today might be the day I would say I really I genuinely can't express how much the meditation has helped as just a way to like you're meant to the one that I learned you're meant to do twice in a day you do it in the morning right when you wake up and then like in the evening and it's not like you're going to sleep when you do it it's a it's in prep for something because it's meant to like energize and help out and I've just found that like just taking that bit of time for myself to just like be like here's where we are here's what's happening here we go you know it helps it helps a lot i would also say it's like pressing the reset button yeah like a computer that's like really hot on overdrive yeah that's exactly right you're just restart your power cycling the router you're like i don't know i'm plug it and plug it back in

that's like exactly what's happening yeah you like that tech thing you like that tech reference you did great you did you did very good you did very good um yeah and i also think just like if you're anxious like this may sound a little insensitive it's not meant to who fucking cares like yeah you're your person but also and you're a person and you might you might be anxious. Like you're going to tell me like, I don't, you're going to tell me like Harry Stiles doesn't go out to like a fucking stadium and he's like not like, I hope I do well tonight. Of course he wants to do well, unless he's a dick, but I don't think Harry Siles is a dick. I actually love that you said who fucking cares because that's actually helped me get out of some

anxiety spirals. Like I've been in my own head about like all the shit and I'm like literally no one cares. Right. And once you realize like the weight gets off your back a little and then you can breathe and the next thing you know the oxygen in your brain is cycling differently. That's right. life will life will continue until the day the sun swallows us whole

it's gonna it's gonna keep it'll keep spinning I am before we play our final game I just gonna ask when you said you were I don't let anything go as you can tell that's fine I when you said you were a witch do you mean that you are like very intuitive no I mean that

a few years ago there are like so many ways that a few years ago that could go it's not don't scare any 14 year olds no no no of course of course not No, a few years ago, a friend of mine who has since become, like, what I would consider, like, a very powerful, like, which, he, like, really just, like, got into it, and we started talking about it, it is, like, in my opinion, like, no different than, like, prayer or no different than, like, the secret. It's all about just, like, manifesting for yourself, which I really think is, like, an important thing.

And you can, you can color it in whatever crayon you want. It could be prayer. it could be it could be like lighting candles and like saying something or like in something that I do like that I did like when I wanted the job dear Evan Hansen like I knew the audition was coming up and I like made a sigil and absolutely not not that kind of shit like you make us you make like a sigil which like you can learn all about this and you like make like a symbol with intention and you like light candles and you like know what the symbol is and then you like write the symbol in a few different places like around maybe around your home or like in your wallet so that whenever you

see that little symbol that you've created that no one else can read you know when you're reminding yourself I have this goal this is something that I want and like I am functioning at the highest level like I can I have done everything that I can to like manifest this thing for myself I love that so much and it's it's really very similar to like just gaining confidence in yourself totally totally I mean I really manifestation very strong and that's like basically what it is right i mean like it's just how does your brain work to make your brain just fucking believe you can do something that's right once your your brain believes you could do it there's literally no reason why it can't happen the only reason it can't happen is if your brain

can't envision it and then it would never happen right if you can't think of it you can't do it of course and i just i just think focus just focus like keep your energy keep your energy like on the thing that you want or the thing that you need or or whatever and yeah i think it's a cool way to do things i'm so happy i asked you that question because the answer was great. It's now time to wrap things up. We've got a long time, but it was because you've been doing amazing.

Thank you. I'm being nice to you because I get yelled out in reviews. You can be mean to me if you want. You guys, men deserve it most of the time. Fucking drag my bun that I've got in my hair right now. It's what you've got to do. That's too easy for me. So it's time to play that's Seven Deadly Sins.

Seven Deadly Sins. are you greedy about? I'm a greedy about. I can definitely be greedy about just success in general because I'm a very driven. Ambitious, driven person.

I'm very much a slither if that means anything to Harry Potter listeners. So sometimes... Do you ever feel like selfish? Yeah, that's kind of I feel bad sometimes for it

but I think people make me feel bad for that too. Right. Like when you want that like solo I don't think people make me feel bad about it but I'm thinking about like yeah like I'm about to leave like a very fruitful time in my life and I want more like I want it to continue I want more but that's why I found the most successful like entrepreneurs you're like you're good bro and they're like no I'm not even touching the surface it's true but it does lead to like a sense

of like I mean you're not happy all that's that's right it does lead to that I always bring up Ryan Sirhant who is for a million dollar listing was like a bazillion dollars and he's on all these shows whatever and I was like are you happy and he's like I every day need more and I'm like that sounds exhausting but it's he's so successful because of that you're kind of have to pick your poison so I'd say I'm greedy about that I'm greedy about wanting better and more yeah and you could work with your therapist on that but it's like a good problem to have sure um who are you envious of oh man so many people um I feel like envious has such a such a um kind of negative connotation but I don't know I mean I mean

I really don't want to say envious, but somebody who I look at and I'm always like, it's happening for him in a way that I hope soon will happen for me, like the way I've envisioned it. There's this guy,

Anthony Ramos. He's really, really great. He was in Hamilton. Him and I, we did our, like, first shows in New York together.

And he's, like, truly becoming, like, a superstar before my, like, before our eyes. And it's crazy when you come up and it's really something. It's really something,

yeah, he's like, what path did you fucking do? Whose dick did you suck? Sorry, I'm just kidding. But it's like, He did not, I'm sure.

How did that happen? Yeah, it makes. Yeah, I mean, I'll never forget when I met him for the first time and I shook his hand. Still to this day, it's the only time this has ever happened to me. I shook his hand and I was like, oh, fuck, you were going to be a star. Well, maybe that's why. But yeah, he's somebody who, like, he's made the music thing happen for himself. Like, he's, like, done a lot of the work and we're, like, the exact same age.

And, like, you know, the same kind of come up happened. But just for him, it, like, pop because Hamilton, of course. And envy does happen when you see those similarities where you're like, oh, that could be me in that situation but it's all i like to just use it as like it's a universe telling you what you want that's true too but also i would also like to say that like truly could not be happened like that shit could not be happening for like a cooler better guy yeah which it makes it makes it so every time i see him on something i'm not kidding i was running on the treadmill before i came here and he was on the screen like with like a crown royal crown royal commercial

with his mom i love my friends pop off because then i have to get to yeah they're my fucking friend. Then I'm like, you have to come my podcast. Um, when, what are you glutness about? Not much, dude. Um, are you, what's your like eating habits? Um, these are things I need to know. I'm, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm vegan so it's very like considered and conscious. How long have you been vegan? Uh, like three and a half years, which was a huge part of what helped my IBS, actually. Wow. Which is why I started doing it. And then like most vegan people, like you start to, like, you start doing it for one reason and then you like learn the other reasons to stay vegan yeah that's like a thing starts to happen um like the environment and like first it was like oh this is making me feel a lot

better like my digestion is so much better and then you're like whoa the environment sucks whoa this is helping the environment and you're like oh my god that's what we do to animals and then like once all three happen you're just like guess I'm not going back yeah um so my eating habits are very like conscious but I have been known to when I get home from the show being like I don't need to eat I'm not hungry and then all of a sudden I blink and then I'm like fucking eating hummus eating hummus like winnie the poo like i just stick my like whole fist into the jar and it's just like vanishing i'd be the worst vegan i feel like i would just eat all the most unhealthy shit because you can be so unhealthy as vegan it could be really bad um

but it could be bad like anything it's like am i going to eat fucking macdonalds or am i going eat like food that's going to like actually do something for my body exactly i'm working on that when was the last time you experienced extreme wrath wrath because you're do you have like a spicy Italian anger? No. I don't. Are you more like internalized sad? I'm gonna go play my guitar for a couple hours.

I definitely internalize a lot of things. This is not answering your question well, but it's, it's, I saw uncut gems yesterday. I don't know if you've seen it. I haven't seen it. Dude, like that movie was like, it was just like a non-stop,

like, it's just the most stressful movie I've like ever seen in my whole entire life and I loved it, but like that. Everyone keeps saying it feel like it was so stressful, but I love it. loved it. I'm like, what does that say about you? Like, I don't want to do that. I bet you'll like it a whole lot. It's really incredible. It's really incredible.

You'd be in a certain mood, though. Yeah, you need to just be like, good. You need to be like, I'm good today. But, but that makes me think a lot about that. Because, like, just the sound that that movie, like, it doesn't stop. There's just constant yelling and people talking over each other. And that's, like, the word that I can use for. I'm sorry, that's such a dumb, not good answer. But I kind of just want to talk about Uncut Gems right now. Also, I cannot fucking believe that movie didn't get any Oscar nominations. I have hives about it. Yeah, that's crazy. It's ridiculous. But I've only heard amazing things about it. And I like when movies are different. It's something. It's also punk as fuck. It feels like if like an Oscary movie was made, but then like the people who made it said like, yo, like fuck the police. Like let's like make this fucking movie. So cool.

Anyway. See, you have to see. Do you have an hands? And uncut gems, dude. Get it done. When was the last time you were a sloth? Yesterday. was a day I was supposed to go to the gym

and I looked at the ceiling and I said I'm not doing it. I'm not going to do it today. You're a rebel. I'm a rebel. Just go play my guitar and cry. Yeah, no, I try not to do slothy shit because I'm very apt to become a sloth as we said earlier in the podcast. So I would much rather try not to

give myself a little bits of it. This is a tough one. When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? I would definitely say that I am capable of being a prideful person. I, first of all, just because I'm an actor, and in order to be an actor, you have to have some semblance of an ego and think you're like special.

And if people say they're not, they're fucking liars. I like that self-awareness. Thanks. I'm also a fucking man. So, like, we can be prideful just in general as part of, you know, society telling us we're allowed to be. I have, like, gone on record with, like, friends and family and stuff like that saying,

like so what do you want to do next do you want to play this role and i'm like no i want to be the first one because i've done it i've done it in the past but like with spring awakening the show was a revival so it was done years ago so i didn't like get to be the person who came in first shakespeare it was long time ago shakespeare that's right hundreds and thousands of years yeah they give miss summer night's dream i think summer spring whatever who's about continue bless you yeah but i i think i think that i think uh the i'm currently at a spot right now where like I would rather not work for a bit than like not do exactly what I'm I feel like I am ready to do last question yeah was the last time you lusted over someone lusted um I mean I've

been in a relationship for I think I think we're at eight years now holy crap uh I know same girl so how'd you guys meet college um yeah I mean she's from Staten Island she's not from Staten Island she's from Long Island um strong island you'd like her she's very funny she's great cool um Do you have a celebrity crush? Do I have a celebrity crush? I feel like every time I see a photo of Zoe Kravitz, it like angers me because I'm like, how did everything go right for the way that you look?

I mean, your parents are fucking hot. Well, that's like, that's the case. I think that's how it happens. I mean, it's an interesting thing. You don't, when you like genuinely are with someone and like plan to be with them

and like it like warps your perspective on like what lust is because like the partnership gets so strong. But that's a good, a good. But it's so true like as I've gotten older and I know like how the hottest people are sometimes the worst, or they're just not right for you. Like, it takes so many different complexities

to make someone function and, like, for me to like to spend time with them when we're not trying our hardest to be impressing each other. What advice would you give to people on how to cope with your hell? It depends on, I think it, of course, depends on what your hell is.

But I would go on record and just reiterate what I've said, like therapy helps everybody. I think whether or not you're an anxious person or you have a diagnosed mental illness or not, You could just be like some random person who's normally like feeling, feeling fresh, feeling good, feeling good and great and excellent. But you will still benefit from therapy.

And I think even if it's like you're having a fucking like trouble with your like significant other or something like that, like something as like common as that, it doesn't need to be some like existential crisis on your soul, right? Like talking to people, I think is the answer. Talk to a professional is even better. Talking to your friends is great. But I think when you're looking at,

for someone to not judge you in any way, shape, or form and have no baggage. Hire someone, talk to him. They will, they are literally, they literally went to school to help you sort out your shit and pull you out of your personal hell. Alex Boniello, it's been so amazing having you. Thank you. Everyone go see Dear Evan Hansen on Broadway. Yes.

Until the 26th. January 26th. And if you come after that, that's okay too. You're still going to get a great show. You're still going to get a great show. The actor playing my role will not have hair down to his, his shoulders, because now it's his turn to start growing it. And also, you are doing music.

Yeah, yeah. So look out for, it'll probably be in February that my EP will come out. It'll be some songs. It'll be probably like mid, listen, honestly, it depends on how much this Disney World trip derails my, my process. But yeah, I'm, I'm, there will probably be, how long are you going to Disney? Just a couple days, but like, fuck, dude. Like, I've been in the same show for two years.

Let me go, like, hang with a mouse. out of my back um but anyway yeah so you can expect you can expect uh some music and cool shit come in uh and you'll probably do another jo's pub or at least another performance there will be there will be more performances there will be more performances um i'm your agent now thank you we're booking that you can be my agent but you get no percent of the right on keep all of it typical man um anyway what i got him to snort you did um where can people follow you people can follow me on Twitter and Instagram, it's just at Alex Boniello, A-L-E-E-X, B-O-N-I-E-L-O. There'll be a lot of jokes and pictures of my cat.

That's why I followed. Is that right? Yeah, I love cats. She's great. I'm Penny. That's about it. Follow along. Yeah, follow him.

And if you guys enjoy this episode, screenshot, posts, whatever you guys do, you know the drill. Thanks for coming to hell and I'll talk to you guys later. Bye. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.