Berner Phone - Ali Kolbert: The Female Mind & Faking Confidence

Episode Date: July 17, 2019

Ali is an amazing stand up comedian who you may have seen on The Tonight Show or at the Comedy Cellar. She opens up to Hannah about how she looks so confident on stage, why she’s so good at insulting people,, putting the dream on the pedestal, having food noise, Crohn's disease, how often you should look in the mirror, the secret hidden lesbian community, how to test if a guy is gay or not, how anxiety fuels you, her favorite bravo housewife, the need to be funny. screaming into pillows, and all of her male/female celebrity crushes. Follow Hannah Berner on Instagram & Twitter: @beingbernz Follow Ali Kolbert on Instagram & Twitter: @alikolbert Use my promo code BERNING for 30% off HelloBody: https://hello-body.io/x1gh6 --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I always have, like, a dude I'd be talking to. Listen, yeah, it's okay that you're straight. And you don't have to force it. No, but, like, I wish I had the experience of hooking up with a girl once. It's not too late, honey. But it's not too late. I am 27. And you're on a reality show about getting drunk.

Okay, you can go hook up with a girl. It's not that fucking hard. Welcome to Burning. What's up, guys? You know where you are. We're back in hell. It's hot in here today. I'm with one of my great friends, Ali Colbert. You may have seen her on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Pretty legit. True TV's comedy knockout. NBC Bring the Funny or hosting Verizon Build Brunch series literally every morning. I don't know how she gets up. Most people know her, though, from really funny videos we wrote and acted in together on my Instagram. But on your Instagram, which is a lot. fire, by the way, at Allie Colbert. Thank you. You're kind of blowing up. Oh, my God. Stop it. I actually found you. I discovered you.

You discovered me. Because you do these little videos that are like how a girl talks to her gay best friend. And you just rant and go on. And it's so hysterical. And I was working for betches at the time. And I was like, I need her talent. Oh my God. Thank you. That's right. I was obsessed. Like, I was a fan. I was like a fucking fan girl. And now look at you. You're like an Academy Award. winning shmata i mean that's what it should say on my instagram bio to be honest seriously but your

instagram bio says you're a stand-up comic and a professional warrior yeah how did you become a professional warrior i'd like to know i think that you are just born a warrior like i'm you worry right you have anxiety yeah of course all the time isn't that this what this podcast about having a zanax with hannah berner i'm like i'm nervous all the time i just have anxiety about everything And I feel like that's kind of why I went to comedy. On stage, you are so confident and cool. I am so not feeling that inside, though. Then why would you force yourself to do the most anxious-inducing thing?

Do you know that public speaking is the scariest thing to, like, majority of the world? It's sick. Are you a masochist? You know what? I used to feel, when I just started doing stand-up like seven or eight years ago, I used to have a show on my calendar, and I would just think about it going into the show like for like a week ahead of time I'd be like I have a show on Sunday

or like I'd be like I have a show next month and just like not breathe and you know you do it so much that you kind of like inoculate okay that's a large word for this podcast you know what I'm talking about

okay for all you Bernie's out there I feel numb to it bitch you get me burnies I love you're giving my fans names what do you call them little burners I actually call them the little devils oh what's on my little devils I love this.

What is this voice coming out of nowhere? She's like, I'm really shy and nervous. What's that motherfuckers? You recently have a very big comedy accomplishment for people who know New York City comedy. To get passed, which means to get approved to perform at the comedy seller is, how would you describe the accomplishment

in a comedian's career? For me, it was always the thing that I needed to do one day and I had to do one day and that was like the biggest landmark of like you are a stand-up comic. So it's happened. How do you feel? It, you know what? It's so weird. It's kind of like when you, well, there's a couple of things to it. It's like when you, I was obsessed with getting Instagram followers for the last like three years and like having a bit of a personality on Instagram. And it's like as soon as you get more followers, it's like not as fun anymore. Like, do you know what I mean? It's like in college, getting into the bar when you're underage was so fun and all

you do is want to go to the bar. The second I turn 21, people are like, want to go out and I'm like, no. No, or it's like, it's like, oh my God, I can't wait for the day that I can get 10,000 likes on a post. And then it's like, no, I want a million. Like you just, you never stop wanting the next set. The thing about the comedy seller, though, is like, I'm the, I'm one of the newer people there, you know, obviously. And I'm kind of like the low man on the totem pole. So I'm trying to like find a way of flying. under the radar, but also being grateful and friendly and striking a balance socially there and also doing well on stage. So it's kind of like a new place of work, a new social scene.

Yeah, you have to be like nice to people. Yeah, you have to be nice to people. You want to be professional. But you also don't want them to walk all over you. Yeah. So, you know, that's like with any new group of people, I think people feel that way. And especially the added element of like you can be friendly and professional to everyone, but then you need to prove yourself on stage, night there. How do you act when you see like stars come through like Jim Gaffigan or Chris Rock or Aziz Ansari? I mean I just don't do anything. I just don't engage. It's not my really place to go up and I don't go up and talk to them. Sometimes the comics table is filled with people that like I don't know all of them so I just kind of like said it on another table.

But the thing is like if you've seen crashing on HBO and they like portray like the stand-up scene and everything like that, there's not just there's one table for comedians but comedians at a bunch of different tables so there's people are finding their their niche and their spot and you know this is a great example of i always think don't put the dream on the pedestal if the dream seems so amazing it becomes unattainable in your mind so it's like you deep down believed you could do it yeah i i knew i could do it one day i thought i didn't know when and in this situation And certain things led to other things, which allowed me to audition and allowed me to get in. So then I started doing the thing in my head where I was saying, this is too early.

I'm not ready. This wasn't the timing. You know, but now I'm trying to just live up to that every time. But I also think how you said a couple things had to happen for you to get this audition. And that meant you had to put in the work in certain ways. And a lot of the time with your dream, you don't just get it. You get it because you're putting yourself out there in so many other ways, which you I mean, nine years, and you're young.

Yeah, I'm 25, eight years, seven or eight years. I started doing it when I came to New York City to go to NYU. Mm-hmm. We're at Tish? Yeah. Yeah. Is that bad? No, not at all.

Where did you go to school? I'm to school, University of Wisconsin. Go badgers. What is your biggest insecurity? Oh, my God. Yeah, we're going there. What's my biggest insecurity? Because, like, honestly, you're hot.

You're, like, cute, little hot. Don't look at me like that. I just don't feel that about myself. My biggest insecurity, fuck. I have so many, so it's hard for me to choose right now. Let's go. Let's do it. You know what's interesting is I started doing roast battles like a while ago, and I'm really good at insulting people.

I've always been so good at it. Why do you think you're so good at it? I don't know. It's just like a one thing that I'm good at. Can you insult me right now? No, I don't want to. You're like the podcast won't be the same after. It'll be fucked up.

But, um, and when I started doing the roast battles, some people would attack me for my forehead. This is a physical insecurity. And now I've started to realize that like, oh, my God, yeah, I have, like, a humongous forehead. And I'll get, like, direct messages being like, you have a really big forehead. And it's like, there's nothing for you to do about a big forehead. I can't get a forehead reduction. Which is worse. I would be more insecure about my fucking bangs.

Then you'd just make fun, you forget bangs. Like, if you have bangs, fucking get help. Like, you either should fire your therapist or get a therapist if you have bangs. Yeah, it's really bad. Everyone I know with these bangs, the straight, severe across. Yeah. What the fuck is going on? Yeah.

I thought it was cool at first when people cut them like too short, and it looks like they just have so much fun and don't care about life that they'll fuck up their hair. Yeah. There's like a coolness about it. It's like a messy bun haircut. That's cool. Something about not caring. Yeah.

But this hard line, you guys can't see what. I'm doing, but I'm doing like a visor with my hand. Yeah, and also it takes way too much effort in the morning to make sure that your hair's blown out like that. Yeah. But Tyra Banks has a big forehead. Do you think I have a big forehead at all? I think you have a small forehead. Okay. Did you know you had a big forehead until someone addressed it? No, I didn't know. And then people started saying you have a big forehead. And then I looked at my mom and I was like, okay, this bitch is a six head. And then I was like, oh, shit, like, this shit's genetic. And then I kind of sat down my mom. I was like, what's going on? And she was like, I never told you, but you have a fucking forehead that I could make a brick oven pizza on.

Like, it's not good. And I know this is just a physical insecurity. Like, everyone has emotional insecurity. He's like, I don't think I'm good enough. I think I'm faking it all the time. That's my one thing. It's like, I'm miserable. I'm not creating good things.

You know, that sort of thing. You don't have that insecurity? I feel, I just have, like, a little gratitude that I'm like, I'm so lucky that I'm not on the tennis court getting yelled at all day so the fact that I can just be here talking shit with you just makes me happy and yeah and I also I don't I also don't think of myself as great at anything I'm just like doing it right you're like I'm not I'm not attaching my ego to it where my ego was attached to my tennis like if I like I would if I had a match on next month against a certain girl I would just obsess about it like if I lost to this girl were you playing in college

Yeah, I played in college. Like, I'll kill myself if I lose to this girl. Not actually. Not actually, but maybe. Maybe. I mean, I've been in dark places where I'm like, I lost the match and I'll be like, I'm the worst tennis player that's ever even held a racket. Yeah.

And you, like, convince yourself that. Oh, my God. I mean, what happened this past week was I had a set at the comedy seller and it was my mom and dad's first time going to the comedy cellar and seeing me there. And I was really excited about it and I got off stage and I did fine on stage. but I was on a lineup with some really heavy hitters and I got off and I thought oh that wasn't that great and my mom came out to me and she was like that was amazing

and I was like really wasn't that good and she was like no it's good and I was like it wasn't that good and then we kind of just created this narrative that I bombed that like wasn't the truth at all you almost can create a story in your head that's not actually accurate if you let your brain go down that spiral

yeah so I don't know how to stop the spiral which is what I'm working on I just this is what this podcast is about do you know how many comedians saw that photo of you at the cellar and were probably like holy shit I'm so jealous what my life must be like to be approved at the cellar it's so I understand what you're saying because I used to see photos and think the same thing but it's like it never ends that's the thing it never ends so that's why like don't put your dream on the pedestal because the second you get that dream the dream adds more stress so where do I put it on the chair oh oh

Where do you put your dream? The thing is, I don't think your dream should be result-oriented. I think your dream should be... The journey. But still, the journey of like, oh, I'm not going to ever enjoy running a marathon. You want to end the marathon. I think it's more of, like, your goal is an internal thing. So your goal is not being approved to the seller.

Your goal is to have fun when you go out there and not be judgmental. Yeah. So, like, work towards that, and while you're doing that, you're just going to get better. what you do. Right. I mean, and I'm thinking this now just about what you said about that tennis match and leaving and I'm sure you love tennis, right? You loved it, loved it, loved it. And when I got off stage the other night, I was thinking, oh my God, like I love comedy so much. I'm like, sometimes I feel the love back from comedy, but like comedy's not going to be there for me always. You know what I mean? Like, just like we have to find something else to give us that satisfaction in

life. Well, once you let your dream control your happiness, that, that, That's when it starts getting dangerous. So like with tennis, it controlled my entire mood. Yeah. So like if I lost, I'm depressed. If I won, I actually stop being that excited. It's like with comedy, once you do well, you're like, yeah, I should do well. This is what I fucking do for a living.

But then when you do bad, you're like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. So I wanted to get into something more creative because creativity is, there's like more control on your end to react to it differently. Yeah. where a tennis, you actually would walk off, like, you're a loser, bro. Like, imagine if after your comedy there was, like, scores and they're like, yeah, Allie, you fucking lost, you suck. Yeah. Go work on that.

And you lost directly to that person over there who's giving jokes. Yeah. But I want you on because you're actually, like, so young. You're one of, like, the fastest growing comics in New York City, I would say. Oh, thank you. And your content is so unique. And you're good, you're similar to me in that, like, you're good at the tweet game, you're good at hosting. You're good on Instagram.

You're good at stand-up comedy, obviously. I feel like you can act. We have a similar feed. We do. In that we do, we do tweets. We also throw in a video. You know, we'll throw in a nude. Two more tweets.

Pet stuff. Pet stuff. A DM once in a while. Yeah. We kind of have a similar pulse on the Insta game. And thank you for that litany of compliments. So what do you think gives you anxiety day to day? Like, what are some triggers for you besides stand-up?

I want to get to know you a little more. Because I know you purely on a professional basis. I know, like, we just work together and hit it off professionally. But I want to understand your brain outside of comedy. What gives me anxiety on a personal level? One thing I do know about you is that you're a little OCD. How do you know that? Because I recorded, filmed at your apartment, and it was gorgela.

Like sparkles. I have to be neat because the here. Here's the thing. I work at home and I write at home for a lot of the day. Yeah. So if there's a mess around me, I can only focus, I can't focus on anything. So I need the apartment to be neat. Other things that give me anxiety, I mean, God, I wish there were things other than comedy. Honestly, food.

A lot of food anxiety and insecurities. And I like to call it food noise, named by Bethany Frankel. Oh, well, speaking of reality TV, we were talking before this about how, like, like there's so much drinking on summer house and eating at random times that you shouldn't eat and you were basically like, how'd you deal with that? Yeah, it's very, I would imagine it's really difficult. I gained 10 pounds last summer.

That would make me not want to do the show again. See, my, I feel like, I mean, I am bigger than you. Well, you're taller than me. I'm 5.7. And I'm five-shaped. And I'm 5-5. You're 5.5. You're 5. Bitches. You can't see me. me cunts. You little burning cunts. What are you?

Devil cunt. So I gain all my weight in my ass and my thighs. I told you my thighs were like touching down to my knee. But most of the scenes were sitting. So. Yeah. And I fucking gain weight in my fucking face and stomach like a pregnant teen. So, but you are like, you're a skinny girl. No, I'm tiny.

You're a tiny little bit. Literally I don't know anymore. tiny. Did you, why do you think you get food noise to like, to quiet the noise of actual issues you have? Yeah, I think to quiet the noise of actual issues. Honestly, if you want to go into this, into this really deep, are you ready for this, my little burns? Yeah. Is that when I was younger, I have Crohn's disease. Oh, I didn't know that. When I was younger, I was really sick when I was first diagnosed. And how old? Uh, 12 or 13. And in order to, um, get, um, myself into remission I was put on a steroid I was put on prednisone and because of it I gained a lot of weight back it just like blows you up it totally blows you up and like looking back like yeah I gained weight I mean I was never like obese but it was enough for like little me to be like whoa mom big you know and ever since then and I'm sure before then I had some insecurities about food I became like super in touch with how I looked and I was became obsessive with looking in the mirror and seeing if my face was swollen for medication and

And it's just... You're like hyper aware of it. Hyper aware. And this was before the forehead issues, so... Oh, my God. Yeah, this was before that. Now look at... I mean, it's a whole thing.

It's interesting that you said I became obsessed with how I look because not everyone, I think, looks in the mirror the same amount. Like, I was obsessed with tennis, so I would just... I just cared about my performance and I looked like shit all the time

because I was practicing. No, I know. I literally... I do. But I don't know it because I don't look in the mirror. Like, to be honest, today, I put some mascara on in the subway because I thought I was disrespectful to you because of how bad I looked. Oh, Mike. Are you kidding? You came to me in pajamas and, like, pumps one time. True. That was weird. And I apologize for that. But I do think that I... God bless you for feeling that free. I think that's liberating. And I wish I felt that way.

If I were to look in the mirror a lot, 100% I could find things that are like weird about me. I just found out the other day, like, I have this bump on my nose that looks like a pimple, but it's just a bump. And my mom's like, do you want to get the mirror a lot? And my mom's like, do you want to get the mirror? that removed or something, I'm like, I didn't even know I had it, but like no one said anything, I don't really think it's a big deal. It's not. So I, I just don't observe myself that much, and I'm more so, like, on a date, when I want to be confident, I just literally imagine that I look like the hottest picture I've ever seen in myself. And I, like, walk in just feeling that vibe.

But then you literally become that. You do. Isn't that amazing? And even, like, your forehead. I don't see that you have a big forehead, but if you're, like, thinking about your forehead and putting that energy into the world of insecurities your forehead people will be like the girl's so insecure about her forehead and I never even had an insecurity about my forehead by the way and I still feel fine about my forehead but now look me I just fucking told all the little the little

devil it's your perspective they won't tell anyone don't worry no I know about that yeah but it's your perspective on it like I got told that I have a long torso in college and I had no fucking clue and sometimes I'll sit down and I'm really tall and I'm like everyone's thinking about how long my torso is when no one is. No one gives a shit. Yeah. And that's like another thing that I think about

is when I go on stage. I always am thinking about, okay, what am I going to wear and how am I going to look? A lot of my jokes I do about are how young I look or how I look in relation to this or that.

And sometimes I think if I wear a tight shirt that shows my cleavage, maybe they won't pay attention to this or maybe they'll think it's not funny that I'm saying that. And that's another whole other thing that I do. I never want to wear too much makeup on stage.

I don't wear bright colors on, like I am always trying to like kind of just be like a vehicle for my jokes which maybe that's wrong no i think that's performative and that's like you be caring about the details and that's good but also being able to separate your performance from like your identity in real life yeah um going deeper into your identity in real life because we're digging we're getting keep going we're in the fire you're like this is good this is good so also you identify as a lesbian i guess i'm just i just say i date women and men so you've dated both i've dated both Should I just say that I'm a lesbian?

I don't know. Like, I don't know. I have a girlfriend. Yeah. I sometimes will say I'm by and sometimes I'll say I'm gay. Why do you switch it? Like, what's a different reaction when you switch it? Like, why would you, what kind of person makes you say by versus gay?

A guy that I want to fuck makes me say bye. No, I'm joking. I just, uh... I was like, that's appropriate. I literally, like, I'm so troubled by these, the categories. I know everyone wants to put me in a category because it makes them feel so, so good. Yeah. But, um, I'm, like, frothing at the mouth.

I'm like, I need to put you into a box. You know, what box do you want to be in? I don't like, I don't, I am, I have a girlfriend now. I've had a girlfriend in the past. I've had boyfriends in the past. I don't see myself being in a serious relationship with a man in the future, but I wouldn't rule it out if my girlfriend and I weren't together, but we're, we're together. Um, why not?

Just because, like, I've met guys before that I really hit it off with and I've really connected with it. Do I prefer women? Yeah, I think so. I think I do. But I'm not going to say. Why do you prefer women? In the same way that you prefer men.

So it's like when you walk into a room, you will like get butterflies or notice like the girl you're into and like guys don't really do that for you? Totally. Absolutely. Because I always say like I'm, I think female bodies are beautiful, but I've never been like, I want her to call me on the phone and talk for hours about nothing. Oh my God. I mean, I'm just so attracted to women.

I think women are beautiful and I love the way they think. and they are, I mean, I think women are so superior and spectacular. Agreed. But I also have been a lot better with realizing how special women are to me and how women will fulfill you in ways that men will not. I do think women are probably better at going down on you than men. Probably. I mean, definitely.

Is the sex way better? They say lesbians have the best sex life because, A, they have the lowest chance of getting an SDD. and B, because you can both have multiple orgasms. I mean, well, you can have multiple orgasms if you're having sex with a man as well. But the man, like, especially if he's older, it's like one and done. Yeah. Is sex with women better? I mean, I think for me it is.

Yeah. I mean, I just, when I think about how I converse with a woman or how I converse with a man in that sort of like pre-date energy, women are so much more complex and challenging and like that makes that whole process so much more exhilarating for me and I always found that with men it was so easy and it was never hard I mean truly if you're a woman and you want to meet a guy I always feel like it can just all you have to do is go out and just kind of raise your hand and some guy will come like it's so easy no but the problem is finding a guy that you actually that care about totally and so that's like the difference where I feel like

girls the connecting part is a lot easier emotionally but it's like how who you want to actually spend right a long time with have you ever hooked up with a girl I've never hooked up with a girl which is that's kind of odd I would imagine you have done that it's well I'm 27 like I live in a long life I think that I my problem you're friendly on any hit my problem is I think I had like really lesbian friends in college because I was I was an athlete so like I think if I hung out with more straight girls there were more chances if we were to get drunk to be like let's just like make out and see what happens with my you weren't attracted to the lesbians on your tennis team I wasn't like they were like not your and I also wasn't attracted to the straight girls

and I just and I'm also I always have like a dude I'd be talking to listen to it's okay that you're but no but I'm like you don't have to force it no but like I wish I had the experience of hooking up with a girl once it's not too late honey but it's not too late I am 27 And you're on a reality show about getting drunk, okay? You can go hook up with a girl. It's not that fucking hard. But, like, I want to be picky. Like, I want to, like, find a right girl for me.

Well, maybe you should try that one time. I just, um, sometimes, you know, you're like, I see a girl and she's so complex for mine. I see a girl and I'm like, yeah, I know all the shit going on your head because it's my head a lot of the time. And I'm, like, sick of myself where guys are so simple and dumb that you're like, what's it like, not just, like, not just, like, worrying about everything all the time and thinking that life is easy because you just have to, like, talk. So you find some. sort of intrigue in the simplest. Oh yeah. And also, that's like, you know, loving a dog, though. Interesting, because I do love cats. I mean, I love my dog. And I've heard wonderful things about butter. I've heard wonderful. Well, I've met your dog. You met Ellie. Ellie and I hit it off.

Loves you. Loves you, loves you, loves you, loves you. You're in her well. To be honest. Two bones for you. So the, two bones. Two bones for Hannah Burner. And she is, gets very hungry and a little selfish about her food so the fact that she's giving me two bones you know the drill i'm going to cry i remember animals better than people it's my own issues i do want to know though like you are obviously femme-hmm do you i don't want to categorize yourself as femme i don't want to i don't want to name you this is like no you don't yeah i would say that's accurate when you see a girl that you're into do you have good gaitar my gaitar sucked until you know what my gaitar was a little off for like 15 because I didn't even know I was gay

so that thing was broken I was like this thing won't beep and then I was like beep beep oh bitch it's you you be gay honey so now that I sort of calibrated my gaitar and it's on I can pick them out

a little bit better but once in a while I'll still be surprised but yes my gaitar is much better I think it's interesting because in New York City you see so many gay guys and people are like wear the lesbians and I'm like I think you just don't realize it that those two girls drinking coffee together are together yeah you don't realize it and like so many of like the cool edgy like there's such

a cool lesbian community that is like so not seen by most people and like a lot of those edgy girls in leather jackets hanging out looking sexy those are my people yeah so like I'm proud what's funny is my friend one of my friends who's lesbian moved from Arkansas and she was like the lesbians are too cool here in new york yeah she was like i i don't i'm intimidated by all of them with their like cool hats and like some of them are super cool yeah once you once you tune in you'll see them i love that you use the word tune in because life is literally it's like if you're thinking about food all the time you're clouded by food and you'll miss all these signs if you're single and just looking for a man you might miss signs of like other opportunities of friends absolutely

so it's really your perspective so How many, do you feel like girls can tell that you're gay? I don't know. I mean, I think if anyone can tell that I'm gay, it would be women. Men, oh my God. I have said, I'll tell men, I'm gay. I date women. I'm not.

And they'll be like, so you want to get a drink, you have a boyfriend. Like they don't, like it doesn't work. Oh, they think you're fucking with them. I don't know what it is. They don't hear it. They don't get it. it's so unfathomable but it's also unattractive for them not to like receive what you're saying and to like process it so do men have any idea no do women sometimes maybe when i like when they hear

me talk about stuff and i'm like not i'm open about things and they'll be like oh i guess that means she's fucking that girl i'm like you know i don't so but i don't i don't know you have why do i come off as gay immediately do you no no that's my like i did i'm very a very good gay because i'm like I can tell the energy of guys towards me and I can tell when a guy is like pure not that every guy wants to fuck me but I could tell when a guy would never ever fuck me like would never even be like she has a nice ass

how do you have any guy who's disgusted by you gay guys oh well most misogynistic community on the planet so that's how I test if guys are I have a oh so your gaydar is just telling if someone hates you and it's because they're gay actually my I've won like it always works little devils anyone's listening This is how you test if a guy's gay or not. The problem is if it doesn't work, you're kind of fucked,

but if it does work, you know he's gay. So after hanging out, you just quickly go, Love you, bye. And if he immediately goes, love you, he's gay. And if he stops for a second and seems weirded out, even if he says love you back, he's straight. I would agree with that, except for the fact that my sisters have some of these dumb friends,

these dumb fratty little bitch boys from schools like Wisco when they're like love you love you bye I hate these guys I know but honestly don't throw the old word around like that it's a good it's a good test because even if they're not gay if they say that if they like you and it's like a first or like it's a good test you don't have a great conversation with a gay guy at the end you're like love you and they're like I fucking love you so much yeah we're like a straight guy when I have a great conversation with if I say love you he will be like oh she's about to burn my house down

So that's how I deal with things. I want to play our first game. Okay. Because you're kind of killing it. We're kind of vibing. Oh, my God. So it's time to bring you darker into the depths. And it's called Heaven or Hell.

Okay. Let's do it. Heaven or Hell. Heaven or Hell. Breakfast for every meal. Heaven, probably. I like pancakes. This is a world, though, again, I'm not thinking about calories.

Yeah. So I would do pancakes. I would do bacon, sausage, sausage on my everything bagel. Ooh. I mean, I like breakfast. I'm a breakfast person. Okay, good. Because you can also do sweet and salty.

I don't know what kind of maniacs who wouldn't do breakfast. Oh, my God, sweet and salty, I love. And with Crohn's, does that mean, like, your digestive system is just fucked up? I guess. I don't know. I have, like, inflammation in my stomach and I just, like, kind of, like, shit myself on the subway. That's basically what it means. What do you have to do to prevent it?

I take certain medication. and I try different medications and I try different probiotics. See, I shit myself all the time but I think it's just anxiety. That could be. You might have IBS.

IBS. You do have IBS. Oh, I don't know. I just like, I have a really fast metabolism like I eat and it just goes through me. This is important information about me. And then like whenever I'm nervous about anything

like I just have diarrhea. That's definitely IBS. That's fine. Oh my God. now I can identify with another community. Yeah. This is so fun. Okay, anyone's IBS.

Please DM me. Okay, having her hell. You can hear people's thoughts. Hell, I don't want that at all. I don't fucking want that. Okay, you don't have to yell at me. I don't want, do you want that? No, I'm already trying to manage my own thoughts.

Oh, my God. And I would hate everyone because everyone probably is like, ew, what is she wearing? Ew, I know. Some people in like grade school, they would choose that as a superpower. Like, mind reader. I'm like, mind reader. You don't want to hear my mind. My mind fucking hates you.

Do you know what I hated though when people were like, I want to fly? I'm like, dude, we already can't fly. Like, why would you want to fly? I know, but I get it. I get it. I understand that one a little bit more. But yeah, we can fly. I'd rather like time travel than fly.

I don't want to time travel. I would like to teleport. Instantly teleport. I guess you do save a lot. Do you really want to do more stuff, though? Yeah, I need to because I have anxiety. Do you feel like they say everyone who's successful has to have a certain level of anxiety to perform at their best. Uh-huh. That's true. So thank your anxiety sometimes. Be like, hey, I know.

I am thankful for how it fuels me occasionally. Because you're like me. We both don't have a nine to five anymore. Are you like diligent with your schedule to be productive or it gets all over the place? It's like you have those chunks in your schedule where like, I'm busy. And then in the free time, you're like, I'm going to do all these things. And then you just like end up like, you know, like watching housewives and then like jerking off. Like what's your, yeah, what's your, um, favorite housewife? Oh my God. I mean, I'm about such a Bethany Frankel fan. I just started watching Real House was New York from the beginning because I never had. Oh, my God.

And now I get why people like her. I mean, Hannah, she's, like, so informative for, like, humor and, like, you're going to love her. I mean, she's just going to, like, she's amazing. And to see her growth when she was, like, trying to even come up with a logo for her, like, cooking business. Oh, my God. And you were like, girl, you keep pushing because it's going to be worth it. You keep fighting about that logo. I mean, this season of New York and then we'll get off it because I know you don't watch is so amazing.

and like, like, Luann has stolen the show with her insanity. Really? Do I have to watch it from the beginning to appreciate this season? No. Okay. Good. Summer House is next for you, right? Yeah. Okay, good. Next Heaven or Hell, going on vacation alone.

Hell. Oh, you like people? It's not about, I like being alone, but I want one person there. Because then you'll get stuck with your thoughts. Yeah. So I need one person. You are, you're similar to me, but you do have, like, you can be a little like are you cancer no virgo what are you

Virgo I'm actually Virgo moon I'm a Virgo moon too I'm a double Virgo oh I'm Virgo moon Scorpio Rising and Leo son what there's too many I don't yeah I'm a Leo okay you're a Leo so I'm loud so I like people who are kind of like okay with the quiet that's like me and then it allows me to be quiet like the people I'm closest with I'm the least loud yeah is you what's your girlfriend like she's an aries ooh she is not like me she is very good for me why like she um she i don't feel that she has a lot of anxiety she's chill she's so chill i love that i can't even explain to you the level of chill that this girl is because you're gonna you spend so much

time with the person i don't care how fucking hot they are or how nice their tits are or their dick it's about how their energy bonds with your energy oh my god if i've ever met someone in my life who wants to make me sore it is my girlfriend she is like she's not she's like my partner in like a team like she wants the best for me she wants to help me she's chill and she's she's behind the scenes in her job right like she's she's zen she works at a tech company yeah she designs she paints she has her own life but you're both creative yeah we're both creative but like I'm uptight and anxious and like need to be funny and she like is so sure of herself she's like all inked up like she's just like cool I love that because I need to be funny too so when you're around someone

who doesn't need to be you're like teach me your way isn't that the best thing in the world and then because when you're with other people who you know are like are you even funny you're like yeah yeah I'll perform I'll perform and you have fun but you don't want to be performing when it's 10 p.m. on a Sunday. Totally. You just want to chill. Also, it's important to find out like the demons and the person you're dating to because I've been in relationships where I'm like,

wait, wait, wait, wait. This dude's depressed and that's why I'm starting to feel depressed. And I can't change his depression. It's affecting me. Yeah. So like, it's important that the person has the right kind of demons for your demons. Yeah. Not that she doesn't, she probably has other demons.

Totally, but not mine. But not yours. Yeah. Our next heaven and hell. you get really fucking famous, but it's from a sex tape. I'll take. That's fine. I'll take that. Heaven. She's like, where's the sign right now? That's completely fine. Who else has had that happen?

Kim Kardashian, net worth of $400 million doing whatever she wants. Married to Kanye West, $300 million. That's nearly $1 billion. I will take the sex tape. I don't care. Fuck, yeah. Then you do whatever you want. You produce whatever project you want. You write whatever you want. I just want independence. And also like, it's almost 20-20.

People fuck. Yeah, people fuck. People fuck. Dating someone who's smarter than you. Evan. For sure. I can't, I hate dumb people. I seriously hate dumb people.

It's like, oh my God. They're good for like some, you know, some stuff, like filler. But like, oh, man. I always say now that I'm getting older with dating, I want to be fascinated with how someone's mind works. Yeah. I want to be able to think of something and look across the room. and know that like they at least get what I'm thinking oh my god have you seen

have you seen Francis Ha no you know the moment in the there's a moment in the movie she's like you know like when you're at a party and you just like look at someone across the room and like you're in your own little party and they're that person as your but that's this whole scene it's like describing this exact emotion that's the one like I that's when I know relationships are over is when someone does something annoying and I look at my person and they don't know that it's annoying and I'm like I can't do this shit that's that That's fucked up. Like, I hate that.

Selfish of them. I know. But you want to date someone who's smart, but you don't want to date someone who's so pretentious or arrogant. I hate arrogance. No, no, no. Also, I'm like, clearly, I don't,

I don't love using big words. I'm not trying to show off any kind of intelligence that I have or don't have. So, like, someone who, how we need to be funny, I don't need someone to show me how smart they're all the time. I'm like, honestly, I just care about, I don't care about knowing anything. If I didn't know anything, I'd be fine.

I'd probably be happier if I didn't know anything. Me too. Let's be honest. You're killing the game, and now we're going to end with the seven deadly sins. Okay. How are you feeling, though? I want to check in with you. So good.

You're thriving. I feel like it's just in such an easy conversation, and I really, really, like, vibe with kind of your thoughts on things. And I've always felt this about you, but this has kind of crystallized that for me. Oh, my God, I love crystals. Oh, my God. She's dumb. Crystles. Seven Deadly Sins

What do you greedy about? Money. I just want, I want to make a lot of money. And I hustle. And stand-up is not one of those gigs that you start off with... So I hustle really hard to make money. I don't know if greedy's the right word, but maybe that's envy then. I'm envious about money.

What am I greedy about? Love. I want more people to laugh at me. Give me more laughs. I can't get enough accomplishments. I don't know. They're normal shit, right? Yeah.

Yeah. It's not good enough that what I'm getting. I want more, but not in a fucked up way. But that's like an anxious emotion in itself that like you need more. Like it's ancient anxieties when you're just sitting there and you're like, I don't know what I forgot, but I forgot it and I'm anxious about it. Totally. Like I don't know what I need, but I need it.

I feel like happiness is not the moments like the comedy cellar passing you. Happiness is sitting down and feeling like fulfilled out of nothing. I mean fucking Buddha right here. it's like a sense of relief that's where i want to get that's where i want to get i feel like you're close honestly i'm in kind of an alignment right now you're feeling really good right i can tell you're just in a good place i'm a good place things are going well you feel like you're on your path right it's funny because i started this podcast when i was fucked up yeah and through it then i started feeling better and i was like fuck i have this podcast about being fucked up and i'm feeling good and then i realize

that doesn't mean that means like you just keep you keep growing and you keep getting further and you also become more insightful yeah because you're like wait i was in this dark place and i got out of who are you envious of who my envious of um it's i wish i could stop talking about comedy it's so annoying it's just what's on my mind i talk about tennis 24-7 i mean i guess when i think when i hear the question who my envious of i immediately think of whose career i would like to have so i think about someone who is doing comedy and is able to kind of like they're in a place where they are financially secure and they can like rate what they want and they can be in film and they can do what they're doing. So I mean, Amy Schumer obviously like took off and she's now able to like

do whatever project she wants, which is insane. I love people like Jenny Slate. I think Jenny Slate's awesome and like she does cool cool things that not everyone does. I mean Sarah Silverman's like my person. You kind of look like her. Thanks. I think she's cute. Except for it's bigger, I'm just kidding. She's like that, fuck you. Do you think these people are happy, though? I don't know if they're happy. Isn't that weird?

I'm like, I don't know if they're happy. Who the fuck is happy? Good question. I think like, I don't know, man. I just, when I was younger, I would see, like, the difference in people's successes. Can I eat this or is it going to be too loud on the podcast? Just, um, chew it away from the mic. I'm not going to eat that.

That was a no. just, you know, it's a polite now. I'm like, just literally go outside the room. Yeah, that wasn't enough. I would see people like LeBron James or like, you know, Chelsea Handler. And I'm like... Oh, Chelsea Handler, great call. I fucking love Chelsea Handler.

She's miserable, right? Miserable. But I'm like, their lives can't be that much happier than us. Like, there can't be that kind of difference in humankind. And then I realized, like, oh, it's actually, they could be less happy. But I thought when you were younger that I was like, LeBron James is the king of every... Just because he's the king of basketball doesn't mean he's the king of

being a husband or like his own mind his own demons yeah what are you gluttonous about so this is different than greedy gluttonous is like what do you overindulge in god i probably tv oh really yeah but i feel like you have to consume tv because it's like it's like it's almost a little bit of inspiration for like what's going on in pop culture and like yeah like tv and like my phone like i want to get off my phone a bit that is like i'm it's like enough with like going on and checking and oh it's a full on drug addiction yeah so that's what that's what i need to cut up cut back on but then do you feel like you're not active on instagram and like it's yeah it's a double-edged sword what am i supposed to do we just watch bravo when you get anxious honestly through my breakup vanderpump rules like got me through it is that

true yeah like at night i was i would go home after work because at work i was good when i'm working i'm not like depressed yeah but then after work you're like alone and i was like i need to go watch these people's whose lives are fucking insane and they started to feel like my like fucked up friends and I just would like live in their world yeah and sometimes you have to check out a little to then check back in with yourself I know but sometimes after I watch a ton of television I just sit there and I'm like oh my god you're such a sack of lazy shit yeah yeah it's both it's a healthy balance a healthy balance you guys yes if you've been listening my little devils also screenshot I love when people screenshot if someone doesn't screenshot this and tag my name I'm gonna like

kill myself lose it okay let's let's you know their lives on the line right now. Guys, screenshot this and tag my name in it so I can feel like I did like I didn't need that. At L-E-C-O-L-L-B-E-R-T, say something that was good. Yeah, and then also, and like if you write a quote that's even better, like, prove it that you actually listened and you didn't just scream. We don't believe you. And like, I'm going to repost it because I need to show people that people

listen to me. I'm going to repost it too. Yeah. Anyway, when was the last time you experienced extreme wrath besides just now? Rath? Anger. Are you like a little firecracker? I get really angry. I scream into pillows. The first time...

That was just a thing people did in movies. No, the first time I did it... The first time I screamed into a pillow was like a week ago. Because I wanted to scream really loudly. I was really annoyed with something. What happened? And then some stupid thing with like people that I know,

with work stuff. And I took a pillow and I screamed really loudly into it. And it's amazing. You can't hear it. when you scream into a pillow. Cool. It's like crying in a shower. No one knows.

Yeah, I don't need a shower. I cry wherever. You ever see a woman crying on the street in New York? That means you're in New York, right? Always. You see a woman crying. It's so sad. And you're just like, walk past them and I'm like,

that'll be me tomorrow so I can't judge. Right. When was last time this is hard? When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? This is a hard one. This is the hardest one. Did people answer this one? Everyone struggles.

I should probably send it to people beforehand to think. Can you give me? example of you you like summer house there's a lot of like funny shit that I did that didn't make the cut and instead of being like upset about it I was like check yourself this is such a great thing just because you didn't get like the labia joke in that you made that you thought was genius I did this show bring the funny and I was in L.A. and I taped it for like three weeks and they the part that they showed was like 50 seconds long and like I had like a five-minute set. I had like an intro package I taped. None of that aired. I was frustrated.

I don't know if that's pride though. I felt like maybe similar to your labia joke. An injustice has been done. You can't let your pride affect like your performance later. Like I'm not going to show up at Summer House and be like, oh, no one liked the labia joke? I basically, last year, I was Lindsay Hubbard. Hey, I'm here with the labia joke, motherfuckers. I love my turn so Brooklyn like a mafia. You lost my labia joke. Where to go? Where to go? Where's your best friend?

Where'd he go? He's not here. You're alone. You're with me. You're going to be swimming with the fishes. Can't find my labia joke. But you can't find my clit either. What happened is this girl, Lindsay, kind of came up to me at one point and said, like, you're, you need to be more feminine.

It's a whole thing. Is she a producer? No. She's just, she's one of my cast mates. She's in the house with me. And I basically. That's really fucked up. I know.

And I basically said, in one of my interviews, I said, what I have to do. slap her in the face of my lab we had to show that I'm a woman um I thought it was genius yeah I mean I have I take lots of issue with people critiquing how other people present and also like my she dyed her hair blonde she has fake tits like she's done things to be like the idealistic so she doesn't need to project herself are you guys friends I mean we're up and down but yeah she was projecting her own insecurities onto me where I like really don't care that much much about how I look. I'd want to make people laugh and that's my own issue. I mean, and let me just say really quickly before I know you have to, well, no, we're good. We're good. That is one of the

reasons why I so admire you and I think that you are having such success from the show is because you are so authentic. Thank you. Truly, I have hung out with you at work. I've hung out with you in an apartment. I've doing this with you. Every time, I'm not like, which hand am I going to get? Like, you are chill, you are yourself, you're casual and you're honest. I'm doing this with you. and that's what's funny and that's what people relate to. I think I've also learned that like when I was younger, I tried to vibe with everyone and I would kind of change myself or try really hard to make everyone like me.

And now I realize like if everyone's liking you, you're not being yourself. Totally. So when I do find people like you who I vibe with, I embrace being comfortable. I'm not like, let's try to get her to like me more. I'm just like, let's vibe in the comfort of this. because it's you don't not everyone's like that some people not everyone has fake tits lindsay

i can't wait for you to watch linds and i have had ups and downs oh my god i need to watch this is the final question okay when was the last time you lusted over someone i've lusted over yeah like do you have a celebrity crush or like some hot guy or girl on the subway wait who did i just i just i just lost over there was someone recently i really wanted to oh my god i'll tell you So, celebrity-wise, Sophia Bush. Oh, she's stunning. Because, first of all, her voice sounds like she smokes seven packs of cigarettes. She's like, hey, everybody, it's me, Sophia Bush.

I'm like, oh, sliding off my chair. I saw her in that episode of Easy, and she is just so fucking sexy. And I was talking about this on Bill Brunch the other day. I was like, do you ever really want to have sex with someone so badly that, like, you get sad and you're just so sad you can't have sex with them like that's sad it's honestly selfish that the universe worked in the way that like you can't fuck sophia bush right now I'm curious who you're lusting over oh so I said I like lest over Justin Trudeau but then someone told me that like he's not as good as the media makes him seem so I still want to fuck him um because that makes

him more interesting to me I just like that he's older and like apparently he's very feminist and he like used to be a boxer. I love it. And he like knows things I don't know because he's Canadian. So I'd like learn about maple syrup and stuff. Do you know that guy who writes game... See, do you watch Game of Thrones? Yeah. You know the guy who writes Game of Thrones, David? Yeah. You know how he's married to

Amanda Pete? Oh, Amanda Pete's hot too. I literally have a picture of this couple saved to my phone. I want to watch these two have sex so badly. The writer of Game of Thrones hot is hot? You fucking wait. Wait till you see the two of them together. To me, this is everything.

You're like them as a synergy. I don't know why they're so hot to me. They both have like intense. Look at them. Oh, yeah. They both have intense facial structures. He is like intensely masculine and she is intensely feminine. And they both have these like sort of like angular Greek god like faces.

And I want to watch them. I feel like they could live in any era and be hot. Oh yeah. they're I mean they're who is what what also I think I like Justin Trudeau back to Justin Trudeau because I feel like young guys are like so easily fuckable obviously he's married but if he wasn't married it's like I'd have to work for him to notice me I'd have to be like so how's Canada I don't know what guy would you fuck what guy would I fuck God who's your celebrity guy crush um I mean honestly that stupid Game

of Thrones guy wait but I have another guy that I was just thinking about I also I still like Channing Tatum. I hate Channing Tatum that hot dog looking motherfucker. You might as well just make out

with a Hebrew national. There's nothing going on there. Okay, when he shaves his head, yes. But like, when he did that grind move in Magic Mike when he's like, nah,

and he's like his knees or like, I don't know. What he was doing, I was like, I could watch him do that forever. Wow. I don't feel that way. Do you watch Euphoria?

No, but I know who's like in it. Jacob Allorty. He's like a hyper-masculine abuser in it And I am so into him You should talk to your therapist about that He looks so hot in it Do you watch Big Little Lies?

Yeah Do you like the abusive husband? Oh my God, yeah Alexander Scarscored I actually saw him in New York City And I was like Alexander Scarscarscard I was like I want you to choke me

And also Zoe Kravitz Well, yes Zoe Kravitz is like hot to everyone I think But her mom Her vibes are like my girlfriend's vibes Okay, chill Hand tattoos

I want to fuck your girlfriend I mean Zoe Thomas is hot Wait should I get hand tattoos I mean I think it's cool Because like my friends have hand tattoos And I feel like oh I'll look like a 6th grader Who like Penn exploded on their hand

You are, I'm looking at you right now I'm going to tell you something You're two weeks away from getting a hand tattoo Shut the shot Okay Allie Colbert You are a dream I'm so happy you came on

I'm thank you You guys if you like Burning in Hell Please subscribe please leave a review, screenshot at DME. Let's fucking do this because we're getting some momentum, but everything helps from you guys. Follow Allie. Allie Colbert, A-L-B-E-R-T, Instagram, and Twitter.

And her stuff is so funny. Her videos, her tweets. She's just a little genius running around in our presence. Thanks for coming to hell, guys, and I'll talk to you later. Bye, little devils. Bye, guys. I'm going to be able to be.