Berner Phone - Amir Yass: The Queer Muslim & Human Unicorn

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

Amir is a queer Persian muslim who is an LGBTQ activist battling transphobia, femme bashing, body shaming, and racism in the queer community. His story is unique, colorful, painful, hysterical, and beautiful. Enjoy xo GET TICKETS TO MY COMEDY SHOWS HERE: https://www.hannahberner.com/ --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're 150,000 times stronger and better than us because you motherfucking bleed. If we bled out of the tip of our penises, the whole world would shut down. Like a pandemic. Done. Shut down. Welcome to burning in hell. Okay, guys. queer Persian Muslim hell today.

I don't want to make me laugh so hard because it seems like a lot of fun. The devil's dancing down a strip pole. It's basically just the music video we all love. So we have Amir, yes, LGBTQ activists and a regular host for many panels. And he really battles a bunch of different topics, including transphobia, femme bashing,

body shaming, racism in the queer community. He's hosted the take-on pod that I was on. Definitely listened to that episode. And he also, okay, this is like extensive, but it's important. He is a queer Muslim and he changes the way religion and sexual orientation are mutually exclusive. And he really talks on that, which is super important to bring awareness to. And he's a self-reclaimed human unicorn. This is a fact because it was on the internet.

And he said the three ways to explain him are queer, compassionate, and colorful. and most importantly, he's a Gemini. Amir, thank you for coming to hell today. I'm so happy to be in hell, and I just feel very welcomed as a Gemini. This is my space. You're like, I know I identify as other things, but Gemini is my most important.

Amir and I have known each other in the industry for a while. I've done pods with him, and I think we do lots of podcasts, but there's a rare time where you just have that magical chemistry with someone. I think it's because we're both colorful, compassionate humans. Amir, where are you recording from right now? I'm in Orange County, and I want people to know how we met, because I was actually interviewing the man who shall not be named Voldemore at her house. And you popped up, and I recognize your eyebrows in the

corner of the screen. And I was like, is that Hannah-Berner, bring her in? And that's our instant love connections. Do I have identifiable eyebrows? Yes. Yes. Well, they are quite expressive. That's but I'll never get Botox. Maybe a little on the top, but I need to be able to move my eyebrows. So I just, to go backwards, where were you born? When did you come out? Oh, great question. Well, I mean, I pretty much sashayed out of that vagina, but no, I mean, I was born in Orange County.

I grew up in Luggana Beach, which was like gay mecca in the 80s. So it was like, the gays were everywhere. So I remember one of my neighbors had like a kimono and he would just like, there was all these like hot men coming in and out of his. in and out of his house. I was like five years old. And I remember being like, that's something that I need to become.

You're like, how do I manifest that? I kind of did. And so I came out quite late though because I was so religious. My parents were very conservative. So I came out in my late 20s. And it's just so funny because when I look back, this guy in college,

I was so in the closet. And he invited me over at midnight to watch Legally Blonde, probably the gayest date of all the time. And I didn't know what's happening here. And I literally went there and he was like nibbling on my ear. And I was like, maybe this is what friends do. Like, I was so ridiculous. But yeah, I look.

You're like, how would straight guys act watching Legally Blonde? I guess they'd bite an ear. Yeah, yeah. Fine, nibble and maybe a little like grazing. It's all perspective. Who is your first celebrity crush? Oh, my God. That's a good question.

I mean, because I started working as a publicist when I was 19, I met so many people. So all of my crushes fell apart. But it's always JTT. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Oh, God. That's my first. I love that. And I still love him.

Still hot. I love a man with three names. Right. Also, you have such a strong presence. You actually on your Instagram bio said be yourself at all costs. And you're not someone who I think grew up seeing people who were exactly like you, as in Muslim, queer. How are you able to embrace yourself so well and be so confident? I mean, a lot of it's like a schick.

A lot of it's like, because I think when people think confidence, they think you're confident every day. There are days where you're like, oh, I fucking hate myself. And there's days where you're like, let me fuck on camera because I'm that into myself today. It's for me, it's the extremes. But that's like the Gemini and me, right? It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's true. I'm like, either like, I'm in a hole or I'm just like ready to just be out there. So.

Or you're Beyonce. Yes. Yes. And I think that's why I got the alter ego. That's where I got it from. So Beyonce has, you know, Sasha Fiers. I have Amir Yaz. So like on TikTok, I use that persona to kind of be ridiculous.

And people are always like, wow, you're so. not like, I'm like, I'm not going to be like, hey, honey, let me get your polo I'm not going to be crazy. That's a persona. Like, I've created a caricature for a reason. So when people meet you like in real life, not TikTok, are you confident in that other person? Um, you mean confident with them?

Like, in yourself, in your like not alter ego. I mean, coming out of the pandemic, it's been kind of hard. Like I went to a dinner party last week and I was like really awkward. And I was like, why? I'm like, awkward. Like at one point I said, like I made their drum noise like, but it was like way off. Like I was like, put your boom. And everyone's like, what noise is that?

And I was just like, oh. So I haven't been quite that confident. I think I like the Zoom confidence like there's a behind a screen. I'm like with a one ring light all of a sudden I'm like activated. Oh, you don't want to use that. We're not let's like swipe that from the record. Fuck that word. Um, yeah.

I'm talking about you, Lindsay. Anyways, moving on. No, I think, yeah, I've tried to be better about it, but I still have to do, like, those affirmations where I'm like, you're funny enough, like, you're tall enough, like, you're successful enough. Because especially with gay men, they're very judgy. And everyone looks great. And it's just, it can be a lot.

Especially in Orange County. And I can't imagine the kind of money they also put into, like, looking perfect. Everyone looks perfect. Everybody has a Birken. I'm like, it almost seems like a Birken is like the North, I'm like, are they just giving them now? Yeah, like, did I miss the like Costco, like, free sample of burkins day? That's what I'm saying.

I was like, did I miss something? I also, I'm weird. Like, I'm kind of cheap. But like, when I see a burkin, I'm like, how many Italian dinners could I have eaten with that burgeon? You know, like, was it worth that? It's so true. But it's, it's, the West Coast definitely has a different vibe with that.

But what are you most? insecure about overall physically and emotionally we're getting i just want to break you down real break me down i love it um physically it's probably my like my nipples are big so i get kind of conscious about it but then there's people that really love it like i my love dan was all about it and so i've just kind of been trying to free the nipple and be more comfortable with it um that's me being i think it's how you wear the nipple yes yes because i feel like cardy b has huge nipples and i got like jealous of her huge nipples because i was like oh my god like you will not miss those like they are in your face and they are ready to play that's what i don't know why i'm cheering but i i don't think i've

ever shared this i'm awkward i let your let your nipples take up space yes yes they are they are they really are they like they're now arriving in the room five minutes before me so it's good i'm not mad at but think about it i feel like with men i've never really noticed their nipples but with women it's like you have to have a almost invisible slit of a vagina and almost invisible nipples. And it's like, can we actually, or like if your body isn't completely like fatless, your plus size? And it's like, can we just exist? Can we like have a vagina? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. You're like, that's what I think every day. Can we have vagina? Can we own it? Can we not be focused on a slit? Like, I also don't

understand these men that are obsessed with just a little slit. I'm like, your dick's like not that big, but it's not going to fit in a mini baby slit. Also, your dick is ugly. Yes. And your balls are uglier. Yes. Balls are so, balls need a bra. You know, men are obscured?

Like, balls need a bra. I think my fiance calls them, like, turkey gizzards. He's like, no one's excited about a turkey gizzard. Nobody. Also, I feel like how is your style evolved? Because I feel like you're, well, you're always center of attention. But, like, how do you decide, like, how do you decide, like, how address what to be, especially growing up in a Muslim culture where things are a little more

toned down. Absolutely. You learn early, I mean, also being, it's weird because like, the Muslim community is very toned down, but then the Persian community is all the way dialed up. So they're real, you're so right. It's kind of confusing. The dichotomy is like definitely there. So for me, I'm like, okay, I know how to dress for the mosque, which is like, you're center of worship. You dress a certain way. And then I, like, I remember one time I went to the mosque during the day and then at night I went to a drag show. So I'm really good at like quickly changing. Wait, you have a fashion line that's like from mosque to the rager. Yeah. From mosque to the mall. Yes. The hijab becomes a dress girl. No, I'm just kidding. You know. From hijab to house music. Yeah, nobody cancel me.

But yeah, no, it's definitely, I think also being a publicist, I've learned how to like not be the center of attention and then also be the center of attention. Like when I had to tell, like an interviewer like you can't ask my client that question I was center of attention but then if I was hiding on the red carpet so I think my job has helped a lot with that well that's some gemini shit too going back and forth wait why are you not on shaws girl girl they put one of my friends on there who was a quasi life coach who is literally bringing nothing to the show I'm like hello hello okay I'm gonna have to make a couple calls not but then you never know you don't know if it'll be good long term for your career but you all i know shervin nema tried to get me on the show mercedes loves me i mean

it's like it fits it would that's insane yeah they're they're a hilarious cast all of them such big personalities but yeah the persian culture it's what do you think as a persian of shahs at first i was like oh you know like i think that it could be damaging and ironically this is a funny like side story but i was packaging a show similar to that so i knew a lot of crazy versions in orange County and it was called Persian version. So I packaged it. We were pitching it. And then obviously Ryan Seacrest was pitching that. So I was like, fuck it. We're not going to do this. But I still love that Persian version name. I've always like love that. But Persians, I mean, it's funny because anything that rhymes, I think is genius. Honey, right? Like, any. I'm investing. I will

have some one. Any alliteration or. Yes. If you can alliterate, I will come. Um, that should be yes sex is cool but have you seen someone use alliteration off the top of their head right right they always know what to do with their tongue um anyways we're getting on um a lot of persians will hate on it but they would fucking do it in a heartbeat because we love extraneous we you know a lot of the reason persians are don't call themselves Iranian is because we think of the empire and the gold we're still like in like gody we're like back in the day we're still living that empire life So, like, do any other Middle Eastern countries go like, you're lying? They do.

They do. But we don't care. We're like, we owned most of the world at some point. They're like, well, you don't anymore. But we don't really care. Like, I've had white ladies tell me, like, you need to say you're Iranian. And I'm like, you got to mind your own business. First of all.

But we just, we're very. Oh, my God. We're very proud. I all, it's, it's similar to like the Brits. I had an ex-boy Oh, you're a British Dave Who I'd always joke I'd be like

Do you remember when you guys Lost the War Against us And he was like We owned everything You guys were like It was like too much admin To deal with you We like sent a boat

To like whatever We didn't care And I was like Okay well now you should But no one cares You're not relevant The way you were So grow up

As times change Do you have anxiety? Yes So much about everything I'm constantly I had anxiety about this and I was like, we're friends. Why do I have, I have anxiety about everything. I'm like constantly, as a Gemini, I'm always like thinking five steps ahead. And I heard being in the future,

you have anxiety, being in the past, you have depression. So yeah, both. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God, same. It's also, it is genetics. Do you think, um, Persians in general, culturally are open about mental health? Or can you give me a little insight on that? They're actually not. So when I first got into therapy, my parents literally called my therapist which is like so against pippa and they were like you need to tell us what he's talking about like and they're like um he's talking about how you guys are overbearing helicopter parents i mean there's a lot of like there's a lot of magical thinking with persians and it's very like therapy twice and i was cured like my mom was like i had postpartum i went to

i went to therapy and then i was cured and it's like a lot of people see it as like you go once or twice. And that's it. Like, we did family therapy. I do it in quotes because it was literally me talking the whole time and them just listening when I came out. And they literally were like, okay, we're cured. We're good. We're okay with it. Are you though? Like, you literally told me to delete my Instagram because you were so uncomfortable with who I am. Like, are you good with that? Are you sure? How, how is your relationship with them evolved since coming out or before coming out? So when I did come out, you'll love this. Right. When I came out, my mom's first words were, you're going to get HIV and die.

And I was like, not where I thought this is going. I was like, I don't love this. At least she cares about your health. She does. That's true. Like, listen. Listen, at the end of the day, that's how I see it. And it's about shifting the way your perspective, because you could get really up to that. But also, it took me so many years to come out.

So I tried to be a little bit more understanding about where they're coming from. But like, and then all of a sudden, I don't know where this came from, Hannah. I started like, we were in the street and I was literally like, dolphins are gay and penguins are gay and I was like screaming at her. And I was like, why am I yelling about gay penguin? But that's where the conversation. Well, you were basically saying like this is human nature. That's what I was trying to say. And it's not a choice. Did you feel like they wouldn't love you as much? Like that must have brought so much anxiety you like feeling like there's a secret hidden from people who are your parents. I mean, listen, I always help a lot of people come out now and I always tell them I'm like having a secret kind of feels good too. Like being in a closet but having a secret kind of feels good like you have something in you that you're like

this is mine and like when I did come out I actually started shoplifting because I wanted something else to hide. So I. Oh my God. That was like you were like comfortable with that like naughty feeling. Yes. Yes. I felt like I and even though I'm quite flamboyant in Persian culture

I'm actually the least gay person in my household because Persian man so nobody like before like your parents do I'm like no everyone and there a lot of them are really good looking too like they take hair of their looks as opposed to like the average straight dude absolutely and we also have a plastic surgeon in our household so no one has forehead wrinkles like and they dress very flamboyant like I actually don't I mean aside from some tie-dye I don't really dress that flamboyantly they pretty much they'll wear like my uncle wore an orange suit getting into like a bright lime green Ferrari like within the peacocking you were just like a normal peacock um in so i've actually

like randomly i've dated two Muslims in my life when i was younger and but i never like really studied the religion so i want to know for people who don't know about the Muslim religion what are some pieces of it that like anyone could take and learn about life from like are there any like real values you really like yeah so i It's funny because I'm not very practicing. Like, I don't pray and fast and all that. But there is a lot in the religion that is like, it's all about community. And, you know, Muslim women were one of the first women to be able to vote.

Even though, like, culturally, Muslim people are very awful to women, like in Saudi and the Middle East. But, like, in the religion itself, like, women are actually at the center of it. So a lot of it says, like, you cannot marry a woman without her consent. And, like, Christianity does not have that. So, like, when you look at the Bible, I'm. saying like not Christianity itself. But if you look at Islam, there's and then also Khadija who was married to the prophet, Prophet Muhammad, she was a millionaire and she was funding the religion. Like she was actually, so it was pretty. A sugar mama. Yeah, she was a

sugar mama. So it's like, she was a real housewife. So it's very interesting because a lot of people are like, oh, you know, the terrorists or whatever, like what they're, they're, they have four wives. All of that stuff, like, it's all just cultural. So the religion itself is actually very supportive of women. So I think that's the Well, yeah, it's like the hijab, how there's two perspectives of it. It's like you feeling really powerful and in control and valuing yourself in different ways. So right now, what's your relationship with God or Allah? I mean, it goes back and forth.

I mean, the relationship that I have with the God that I know is not the one where people are sending me those hate messages. They're like, oh, you know, I would love to see you killed. I mean, someone said, like, if there was a purge, I'd love to kill you first. I was like, that's kind of cool. I was like, okay. Let's go. So I have to deal with all this stress of like a 24-hour purge and I just get out in the beginning. That sounds amazing, right?

No fear. Like, I was like, I am fine with that. Take me out. So, yeah, I mean, the relationship is good. It's like, it's solid. I'm happy with who I am. And I was watching a movie and it was about a queer Muslim. And in the movie, he says, being gay made me a better Muslim.

And I never thought about it like that because now I became more empathetic, right? Like, I cared about people more. I saw people's pain more. I understood where people came from. I also have been in therapy for 10 years. So it just made me a better person. I think if I was just a straight Muslim, I just wouldn't have been as empathetic. So it actually was interesting that perspective. So dating wise, do you care to date a Muslim? I don't like, this is going to sound really crazy. But I don't generally like Middle Eastern men, the ones that I've been on dates with that are Muslim. And you don't have to be Middle Eastern to be Muslim. But generally like Muslim men tend to be a bit more controlling. And I don't dwell with that. Because I'm like, wait a second. I'm laughing too loud, bitch. Like, I'm a laugh as odd as I need to. Like, so I haven't dated any Muslims. But, I mean, I'm not closed off to it. But again, I don't, you know, I drink and like, I go out.

Like, I'm not really the conservative Muslim. But I definitely am culturally Muslim for sure. You also talked a lot on TikTok, Twitter, Instagram about how horny you were during quarantine. How is your sex life going? How often are you jerking off? Like, give me the details of your sex life. give it all too. I got two vibrators from Amazon

so and I'm amazing Victor and Hugo so you're in a thruple. I like I'm in a wait I mean they're so nice they don't talk back they're very supportive and they only turn on when I need them to. Yes! Yes! Stand up. It's so good. It's like it makes me so happy.

And I never really like valued sex toys unless someone like had them and like I never had my own and that felt very adult. I was like I'm carry fucking, you know, just live in my life. Like, I feel like it's, it's a form of self-care to, it's almost like, if you use other people's sex toys, you're not like admitting that you like and want sex toys. Because it's like, it's not mine. You just happen to, I happen to sit on it.

Whoops. But if you actively go and buy it, um, everyone go to Belessa. They have incredible ones. But yeah, it's like a real form of self-acceptance to be like, I deserve sexual pleasure. I deserve to make myself orgas. Exactly. And I deserve to come and I deserve to do it without a man, which has been really new for me. Usually it's like I would fill my boredom with like a hookup or go on a date or like. And I'm realizing I'm like there is no part of me that wants to sit in front of a stranger after the pandemic and talk about what their favorite color is. I don't give a fuck if you have a sibling. Let me see her dick. You know, like why I'm not. It's crazy because before I met Des, not that like getting engaged. I don't know really. anything more about love, but I know that I got to a point where I was like, I always had someone I was texting. Like, even if I didn't really like, the person I always had that source

of someone give me attention. And for the first time, I like really took the drug away and I was like just actually alone. And someone said like, I think it was a TikTok thing, but they were talking about, sorry, I can't give credit. I totally forgot. And TikTok, once you've refreshed, you can't find that shit. We never find anything. I'm like, wait a second. Where did it go? So basically they were saying if you want something, you have to be comfortable with the opposite. Like they were like, if you want a great life, you have to be comfortable with death.

If you want to meet someone, you have to be comfortable with being single. If you want to be rich, you have to really be okay being poor. And it was this interesting idea of just like how your mind is free to, free to accept things and not force things. And that was fascinating to me. Fuck that positive person. That's toxic positivity. Bitch.

I wish I could be like that where I'm like happy with the rich and then the poor and the dad's life like I wish I could be so balanced and I try sometimes there's moments like I don't know if you have these moments where it's like five minutes I'm like I have it together and then all of a sudden I'm like oh my god he didn't text me back and then I'm a mess I'm like what's wrong with me like it's yeah it's when you find that person is being able to control your mental like health or they can affect your mood based on like their text that's when I get scared. because then you start losing the control of like you and who you are. Yes. And then you go stop it. Like you literally can't stop yourself. Like there was this guy that I was texting in New York and then he was in Miami. I literally, Hannah, I watched his story like, you know, freaking law and order detective. I was like, and there was one where some guy was cupping his face.

And I literally was like, hey, cute new boo. And he was like, that's my friend. Like you're in. I love it, but you were sarcastic about it. You're like, gorgeous. You guys are great together. When are you getting married? I was like, I can't wait to meet him.

And he was like, there's no reason for passive-aggressive behaviorals. Oh, my God. Okay, so if you went to a psychic, who, what would you want to know about your future? I love psychic. So when you said that on the show, I was laughing because I was like, I would be psychic. There were two types of reactions, the people who were like, that's fucking crazy. And then hundreds of thousands of DMs going, who is your psychic? And where can I contact them?

I'm a good psychic. there's this lady I go to in downtown LA she's amazing she's literally on some random street and like it's crazy she's like so dead on so what I would want to know is like when am I gonna just like stop seeing men everywhere like hot guys and think about their O phase like I'm so tired of thinking

about how they look and it's like kind of exhausting like I'll be in a meeting and I'm like I wonder what this guy looks like when he comes I'm like why am I thinking about that I don't want to think about that oh my god it sounds like you just you're horny i'm just really horny but then it's like weird because once i not it's very never mind it's very well that's men i feel like that's men i guess that is that sometimes i forget i'm a man because i'm like i'm really pretty and i like like but like i am still a dude that's why i can give really good advice to straight girls i really

do give good advice do you have any good advice on love or like flirting with guys or any confidence tips. Absolutely. Just always remember that men are so insecure and have the most fragile ego ever. And actually, you're 150,000 times stronger and better than us because you motherfucking bleed. If we bled out of the tip of our penises, the whole world would shut down. Like a pandemic. Done. Shut down. Like we don't survive anything. So just keep that in my. I know. I've seen guys get colds before and it's like, this isn't a pandemic. You have a cold. You have a sniffle. You have a flu. Like when my ex had a flu, I literally got a hotel Hannah because he was so exhausting. He was like, I'm never going to. I was like, I hope you just die in my apartment. And then at the right. Like, it's just crazy. They're crazy. They're so.

Before we do our game, I want to know in the pop culture world, because you were so good at knowing everything that's going on. Do you have any updates or opinion? beginning with Erica Girardi and did you watch The Hustler and the Housewife? It was so good. Do you have any thoughts I need to know? First off, Danielle's stop, like, that whole outfit and the leg with the lubitons. I was like, who the fuck is this?

I was like, what is happening? And she would go from, like, she was all over the place in the best way. Like, she's like, I don't like her. But then she'd be like, she's a strong girl like me. And like, she was just giving the best one. onlineers. We're so good.

Yeah, I met her at a strip club. We worked at the same strip club. We're strong. We love our kids. And then it's like, oh, she's a bitch. I'm like, wait, what's happening? And she'd be like, there's a lot of fake people in this business. I see similarities with me and her.

I'm not like those fake girls, though. And she was like hating on Bravo. And it was just, it was just so delightful. I mean, with that. And then the random other housewife that used to be, I guess. Dana Wilkie. The $25,000 sunglasses. wow wow oh god it was good it was really good but you know what was odd to me was putting those two people in

kind of made the documentary a bit more silly because yes i think that it was kind of really somber and pretty dark so yeah it really affected me like i couldn't fall asleep at night because i was like like when that indonesian man was crying over his mom i was like this is not i mean it was full on like a date line expose but then i feel like they were like oh we want the bravo people to be interested so they like threw in those two women who like everything they said was just like weird opinions and it was honestly unnecessary but because like the bravo people are fucking crazy and need to know every detail and would have literally read like Jen Shaw's like lawsuit like you don't have to make it entertaining we would read anything like we would read it all when Jen Shaw said

she had dry contact lenses like that's the best thing I've ever read that transcript do you think that Erica knew? Yes. Why? So I worked for her for an entire day and she is so aware of what's happening around her. So I worked as a publicist assistant and she hated me and she was like, yeah, she tried to get me fired. Did I not tell you the story? No. Yeah. So I worked. So I filled in for my old boss and I get there and it's Erica Girardi and she's going on Fox TV like daytime TV promoting her book. So I get there and I knew her makeup artist and I walk and I think she thought I was someone else. She's giving me daggers, dirty looks. And then I was talking to her makeup artist and she was like, I think you need to service

your client and stop talking to random people. And I was like, Eric, I introduced myself twice. Like, I'm so-and-so's assistant. Like, I'm like, what are you not getting? And she, like, hated me. And then it was live TV. So I was like, you got to go. And she's like, I don't do what you say. And I was like, you have to fucking get up. Like, I literally was like, you have to get up. Like, we're in a

green room. You have to walk there and you're wearing fucking like 12 inch heels. So she got up, she went. And then we went to her office, Hannah. And then I walk in and her publicist, who I knew was like, oh, this is Amir, like, he's been helping us today. And then she was like, oh, I know who he is. I was like, what did I do to you, bitch?

Like, what? And then she tried to get me fired, long story short, but she was so aware, what I'm, the point was bringing this up is that she was so aware of what was happening around her. So there's no way she didn't know that her husband was putting $20 million into her business. Like, girl, please. Because part of me, I was trying to be like, could he be like, hey, this is like a tax thing. I'm just going to put some money in your LLC.

Like, and she didn't know that it was like, from victims. Like, I know tons of girls who have rich husbands who could not, for their life, tell me what they do for living? Like, what does financial analyst actually mean? Like, people make fun of Instagram influencers. I'm like, what the fuck is a financial analyst? What's a logistics partner? Like, what the fuck is that? What's a C-O? Like, C-O? I'm like, what's a C-F-O? What's a C-F-O? Exactly. CEO I get. You go on nice lunches. That's it. C-O. I'm like, your dick. around you're doing nothing see fo you're like making sure the elevator still works like I don't

understand I don't know that's why we're not in nine to fives well it's interesting it's so funny because I don't know Erica I'm just we all can say what we think but you're like oh I've spent a day it's funny when you spend a day with someone that you're like kind of understand how their mind works um secondly what do you think about Ben Affleck and JLo what are your thoughts so I predicted Benifer like five months ago and TikTok and people were like this is fake it's never going to happen. So I feel really good about my prediction. Okay. You're psychic. And I like them. I mean, they're making out in Nobu. He's like, you know, he was Dunkin' Donuts Ben the entire pandemic. And now he's like hot again. So I'm not mad at it. Yeah. I'm not mad at it.

I thought it was just like a fake PR stunt of like Ben's people are like, hey, he can't outlive this like Dunkin' Donut bullshit. But like if he gets with J-Lo, it'll be great for him. And J. Lo's like, I literally need anyone that could distract people from this A-Rod bullshit. So it seemed just like, also I was telling page that we were talking on Giggly Squad about it that like if you want to be private like look at Tom Hanks and his wife they're alive but you don't see them on dates every fucking day like it's clearly a PR play but it still could be a PR play in real I don't know I just don't buy stuff lately I'm just like this is like a business partnership I agree I always tell people I'm like you can be an actor not famous Meryl Streep there's a long list of people who live a very normal life

they go to Ralph's like nobody cares about them just like nobody cares right so though yeah as a publicist i can tell you Hannah i have called paparazzi on every single client pad from michael b jordan to like the sea list celebrity because that was that is how you do it like you you think boa steakhouse is that good in l.a it's not that good we call the paparazzi on boa steakhouse like that's not it's not that good saddle ranch tastes like eating ass and that's The only reason it's the paparazzi. I think that people don't understand how, like, controlled you are by the media. Like, the media shows you what they want you to see.

And also, even, like, I noticed the Chrissy Teigen stuff. Once it got announced, the photos the press were using of her, were so gnarly. Like, they were just, like, she went from, like, America's sweetheart to being, like, Chrissy Teagan, tell someone to die. And they picked, like, the worst lighting and, like, that kind of stuff. It's just crazy how the media. like pick sides like that they do and they turn i mean we saw what happened to brittany spears that didn't happen to christian angular or ashley's whatever um jesska simpson right like yeah yeah

they can choose right and again i don't agree with what chrissey tegan said but you this idea of canceling the very few women of color that are at the top it's like how often are white men doing really stupid shit like they're not saying shit they're like raping people i'm like you're like we just have to get our priorities right what do you think of the michael costello thing so i have worked with michael before he's a really sweet delicate soul and he's very kind and i get all of that okay but i worked in fashion PR when you are a woman of color leona louis you have any hips or curves or anything um they used to like the fat shaming in the fashion industry is is as popular as chanelle it is like still today so the fact that like they it's not unbelievable that they would be like oh we don't

have the size for you even if you are a celebrity like this has happened to kim kardashian when she started out this is a normal occurrence like yeah that people are now dressing vionc eight years ago that was not a thing it was like girl buy it off the rack or like we don't care like so yeah this is a new thing so i do believe her i just i don't part of me is just like okay but chrissey digan needs to stop telling people to kill themselves i guess but she's like part of it's part of her humor like if you follow her she's pretty irreverent and flippant so again she like you and i and her i'm not like saying we're the same as christie i'm just saying when you are a comedian you're a bit flippant so people are like oh that really hurt my feelings i'm

like bitch it's funny though like well it's also like your friend group like you might have a group where like saying like go die is something you guys all say but then in a context of like the world and bullying it's not acceptable and she clearly didn't think before she wrote it um or like i don't know about you hannah but i say like oh i'm deceased and i have had a friend who was like, well, that really makes me, like, it hurts my feelings. And I'll adjust, but there's stuff you do or like, or like a lot of times gay guys will call each other fag. And I had another, a friend that was like, oh, that makes me really uncomfortable. And I'm like, okay, your straight fragility is exhausting. But okay, I won't say it. Like,

you know, it's so it's a straight guy said that to you. No, but it's true. It's, it's important to for people to understand where you're coming from a lot of the time, like contextually if it's like actually trying to hurt someone versus make someone laugh, but also listening and seeing how like things evolve and some words are just not acceptable like in this lifetime anymore. And apologize genuinely. Like I had clients that were like, I don't, I'm going to give a bunch of excuses. And like there's this guy that's gay and he's like the Hollywood Olivia Pope.

He's like the gay Olivia Pope. And he's a mixer. So we would hire him. He's a crisis manager. And he comes in and he'd be like, just say a genuine apology. Even if you don't mean it. Don't put a picture of a lavender. field or be like so like victim like make yourself the victim just apologize and like even if you

don't mean it just be like I'm fucking sorry and you don't get your career back otherwise you won't that's it yeah I mean and at the end of the day even if you're not sorry for maybe part of it there's part of you that doesn't want to ever hurt people that you have to be like like dig deep to that part where you actually are sorry um who because you've worked with so many celebrities can you Tell me some that, like, you absolutely love as people. So the best person in the world that I've ever worked for is Childish Gambino. So he is just, like, so hot. Smells great.

Also, maybe one of the most talented people of our time. And he made his own coffee, Hannah. Like, he wouldn't make me do stuff. He didn't validate his parking. He would pay, even if he was there all day, he would pay the full. Not that. I know it sounds funny, but to say that. But there's a lot of people that were very rich who would, like, yell at me because

there wasn't enough validation. on their parking and then they're getting into like a Royce Roy. I'm like, are you serious? So he was just... Those little details are important. They're so important and he was just like one of the most lovely people ever. And then Michael B. Jordan, I mean, I worked in his house. I was like part of his house staff.

So I would see that man in underwear, I mean, like shirtless. Like he was so great. I won't get myself into hot water like I did when I was on Heather McDonald's podcast about talking about how he had a moment. But we did. And it's fine. It's between us. And nothing happened between us anyway.

Are there any celebs that need to work on their manners that you know? You're, yes, there are. Oh, sorry, one last story. You'll appreciate this. Nicole Ritchie, she was so lovely. And I ran into points with my parents at like a spa in Arizona. And she kept calling me hot bitch. And my dad, like, my poor immigrant dad was like,

how does this celebrity know who you are? And it's calling you hot bitch. that was really funny anyways that was a fun side story I love that for her great it was awesome um but yeah I mean wait what did you ask me sorry I just had to tell you any celebrities that need to work on their oh bad meters oh yeah um do you remember Gassano girls

yes Brittany Gastano she was a nightmare and the Kardashians came to her I did a like a gallery opening for her and they came and she was just like it wasn't that she was rude per se she was just very bored by me and i and i don't do well with that as a jemnon i'm like you're like are you not entertained i was like i wanted to just like spew fire and like sophia ritchie scott dissett courtney and kim are all laughing at as shit i'm saying okay kim literally was like you're so fucking funny and her is like this i was like

so i didn't vibe with that i was like and i was such a fan of her and her mom was amazing like her mom was like we're gonna get drinks and like also but she was just not and i'd be like do you want yellow or red napkins and she was like napkins are fine i'm like bitch pick a color it was just a nightmare anyways i wonder where she is now oh my god um okay you are so good at spilling all the tea we're going to wrap this up with a final game called the seven deadly sins what are you greedy about um my orgasms do you prefer to orgasm first no because if i do it's like the train you're done i will just leave my uber is here i hate when you've already come and the person's like and i'm just like are you done yet like oh i'm so over it it's not can you tell

if someone's a top or a bottom by just looking at them i think you could tell before and And again, obviously, most people, if you don't know, like, a bottom will be more feminine and then the top will be more masculine. But I'm a feminine top. And, like, a lot of times now, even really masculine men are bottoming. And I think a lot of people are versed now, which is, like, you go both ways. That's kind of the new vibe. So why do you think it's new that people are versing?

Why weren't they doing before? I think a lot of people, especially culturally too, like Middle Eastern men, Asian men, Latino men will be like, if I don't get penetrated, like, I'm not really gay. Like, they'll be like, I'm still a man, quote. unquote. There's just like, it's weird. And it starts from like, I hate to give you a side note history lesson. But in Roman times, like straight men would like have gay lovers, but they would only penetrate them. Like they would never get penetrated. So it's a, it's a very interesting. And I've been on a date with a straight guy who was very like, oh, you can't go there. Like you can't have

sex with me. Like I can have sex with you. Like it. Yeah, like it's only gay. Like if you're kissing a dude or you even find a dude attractive, it's pretty gay already. You're like, I don't want to define what a homosexual is. But I will in that situation. Well, I do think also straight guys, it's become way more acceptable to, like, for but play. Yes. Yes.

And I love it. Because, like, and I feel like Gen Z's, like, talk about it. But overall, it's like, gay guys don't have a different asshole. No. You know? Like, if it feels good for them, why wouldn't it feel good for you? Absolutely. We got the same asshole.

And an anal orgasm is, like, way better. people don't know there's juices down there like it feels good for a dude and oh my friend actually works at a sex shop in l.A and they've been selling a lot of pegging butt plugs like yep great guys are kind of into that now which is which is i feel like there's a lot of straight guys who like to be pegged absolutely and you know what it is normalize it and you know what it is it's not the peg it's not the strap on it's the person behind it so even a lot of people will say with lesbians like oh are you that you just be with a dude no it's the person behind that instrument right it's not necessarily the dick that is actually such a beautiful thing to say because yeah like when a guy's going down on me like

that's what lesbians do to come sometimes and it doesn't make it gay it also I just think everything is so much less black and white um that people wanted in the past and every everyone's versing yes we love that for us um who are you envious of um I'm envious of any of my friends who have any sort of success even if I don't want it so if they're getting I'm so not happy for you. I have a save the date that I keep putting up and then throwing away and putting up again because I'm just so jealous.

I'm like, what's wrong with you? I love that you said even if I don't want it because I have been in that place where I like didn't get an opportunity and my manager was like, okay, do you want us to fight for this? And I'm like, no, no, I don't want it, but I wish that they asked me. Oh my God, I love you.

That's so funny. My friend got a hosting job on Daily Pop, super happy for her. But I didn't even apply. I didn't even call anyone. And I was like, why am I not there? I don't. What?

And then when she got bumped from the schedule, I was a little happy. It's so bad. It's so bad. And I want to be a better. And I told my therapist. But that's where you have to talk to yourself about it. Be like, okay, why am I jealous? Why do I really want that?

Oh, I don't want that. Then why did you get jealous of? Like, you have to go unpack a lot of shit. Like, that is some complex shit. I'm trying. I mean, I told my therapist last week. And she, it's so funny, she looked at me through the Zoom and she was like, Amir, we know that's wrong, right?

And I was like, yeah, I know. At least she says we, like, the universe knows. I think this people think I'm delusional. I'm very self-aware to a fault, but I'm like, I know I'm, I shouldn't be jealous. I don't even want to be married. I don't even want to be in a row late. Like, I'll be at dinner and I'll see like someone across the room kiss. And I'm like, I hope you're unhappy.

And I'm like, what's wrong? That's like me being jealous of my cat every fucking day. Like, I'll have to, like, go to an errand. and my cat will just be lying there. And I'm literally like, God, why did you make me a human? Why can I be this cat just lying down, getting pet all day? And it's like, do you really want to be a cat, though? They have the best.

Do you really want to like? They have the best line. And they have nine of them. Yeah, and they could put their leg over their head and lick their own asshole. It's incredible. I saw, I had direct eye contact with a cat on Saturday night that was doing that. I was like, wow. We're like having a moment.

Hold eye contact. Hold eye contact. Wait, why don't you want to get married? not in a judgmental way. No, no, no, I do. I just, I, there's a Whoopi Goldberg quote where it's like, I don't want to get married because I don't want to share my house. Like, I don't want a male voice in my house.

And I think that's kind of what it is. Like, if there was a perfect world where I was like, wealthy enough where we had separate houses, like a separate life, I would get married. And I also want my wedding to be all about me. So I don't want you there. So if you're willing to do a courtroom thing and then you don't show up at all to the wedding, like I think I'll be okay with that. It's like, Amir is getting married.

too. I don't want attention. Don't tag him. Like, he needs to know that if you're going to date me, you're going to be a beta. And I need to go. So you don't want to be with a power bitch?

At all. I literally, Hannah, the worst thing I ever heard was someone said, Amir, like, you should date someone really successful. You can be a plus one.

And I was like, I need to work harder. Because like, plus one to me is the worst thing ever. I've had so many friends be like, oh, do you want to go to like Paris Fashion Week? and you'll be my plus one.

And I'm like, nope. I need to be, front row, I need to be like in the, I need to be court side. Or I'd rather say, like, how do you deal with being a publicist sometimes like it's treated like absolute shit? Well, that's why I left 2019. I was like, ow. You're like, if I have to hold another burkin of someone else's in the background, I'll lose it. No, if I have to go to another gifting suite for the motherfucking Emmys with a bunch of

ugly shit where all the good shit is in the back and you're giving it to my clients, I'm like, I don't want a hair jar. I don't want the fucking iPad. So that's, where I'm at. I was like, yeah. And I started becoming more interesting than my clients. And I was like, I should. Yeah. Yeah, you start comparing like the energies and you're like, I don't belong in this space. Yeah. You outgrew it. I did. And I just don't want another person that's going to be like not carry cash. I paid for everything because these celebrities don't carry cash. They're like, can you pay for that? I'm like, bitch, you pay for it. Like one. Oh my God. Yeah, it's crazy. But anyways. what are you gluttonous about so what do you overindulge in besides orgasms i love you know what i love

is a car wash i i love we've never got that answer in hell oh really oh good no i love car wash i love i just love a group of men working on my car like that turns me on i i know i just love the vacuuming like i'll watch it like a voyeur like i'm like vacuum all the corners like you were like get in those creases yes I love a car crease full of sand are you a neat person overall like are you cleanly yeah I'm like a serial killer like the first time this my friend came over was like are you going to murder me

like because everything's so organized and like if I ever have like a housekeeper come over I'll go put everything back in its correct spot I'm so jealous because I am a literal disaster when was the last time you experienced extreme wrath Like, do you have an angry side to you? Oh, there's definitely that Middle Eastern side for sure. Oh, I did.

I did. So I was at a restaurant in L.A. and my friends and I were talking in this, like, people next to us were like, kept staring at us. And I was like, well, it's not a motherfucking library. We're like, you're too loud. You're too loud. And then, of course, my luck, they were like super industry people.

And like John Lovitz came over and like hugged them. And I was like, of course I had it in. I'm canceled before I've even made it. You fight with the most important people. You know what? Social climbing's overrated. Right. When was the last time you were a sloth? So like just a complete lazy piece of shit all day.

I think today I got up at noon and I was like, I need to, and I would just have done nothing until you. Good for you. Good for you. Actually, I got an email today. Someone was in L.A. And they were like, sorry, just waking up now. I'm starting the day late. And I was still in bed on the East Coast.

So that made me feel weird. I love that. I was like, shut up. People are so dumb. When people, someone told me. they're like, a late start feels like I've given up the whole day. And I'm like, what is the day going to give you? Like, what am I rushing?

What are those two hours in the morning really going to change in your life? You need a break. We're just like the demotivational podcast. I don't like motivation. I'm like, the minute I see someone do like motivational quote, I'm like unfollow. And it's always just because they liked how they looked in the photo and really want to make people jealous of them and then post a nice quote to make themselves feel like they weren't being cuns.

Exactly. exactly when was the last time you let your ego get in the way of something like your pride it's always there i'm laughing because it's always there i'm always like let me check it um i think it's when when was the last time it really got in there oh i was doing a bride partnership uh bride what am i now you put wedding in my head bitch i'm ready to be a bride i'm ready to be a bride I'm ready to be a bride, bitch. Call me. There's actually a Persian magazine called Arous, and it's like, and that means bride and

Farsi. And that's always been my dream is to be like in a wedding dress. The cover. Yeah. I love that for you. That's a dream. Thank you. So I was doing a pride partnership I can talk now.

And they like low balled me. They were like, do all this stuff. And then like, and then the guy was like, oh, you can only pick. Like, they wanted to send me stuff. And I wanted all the cute shit. And they wanted to give me all that shit that says ally and like bullshit like that. Like, I'm not going to wear that shit. So I literally.

was like email them back and I was unfortunately this opportunity is just not going to work for me and they're like a non-profit like I had been like going back and forth with them and the guy was really you were like ally really can you get a little more creative this was so last year exactly I was like get it together I want the ruffle shit I want the like cute dress I'm not like a rainbow really basic tell them tell them and then when I went to northstroms they had partnered with northstroms and they were like partnered with sacks I'm like y'all have money I was like you don't want to pay me like oh my god yeah just give me the cute shit so that is so hilarious yeah that was what do you feel about all these um big brands that just like go gay for the month

i mean it's really problematic i mean like when chipoli is doing homo s does i'm like really no they did it i just like i was in um union square and i walked by a bank i don't remember the bank and it was like all neon flashy lights like rainbow and i'm just like what the fuck are you guys trying to do because you know the second the month is over they're taking that shit down of course they are and city bank i don't know her literally city bank it was it city bank it might it might have been yeah like city bank was like so anti like they literally like wouldn't like they wouldn't do health care for gay couples like they were fucked up and now they do the pride floats and they're all about it i mean the only company honestly is ironically burger king

So they did the whole It's called Chick King Which I think was an opportunity miss Because it should have been Chick Queen But anyways Yes And so they're donating 40 cents on the dollar And then they like shaded Chick-fil-A

They were like we're also open on Sunday So that was that's amazing That I was all about But like Core is like doing LGBTQ Let's grab a beer queen or some shit I was like no bitch No no

It was funny I saw did you watch Bo Burnums inside on Netflix No I need to watch I highly recommend Bo Burnham's new special. It has ups and downs, but he's a lyrical genius. And he does this whole bit talking as like a creative coming up with a campaign.

And he's talking about like inclusivity and diversity. And he's like, and that's like just what Pizza Bites is about. And you were just like, oh my God. Like you just made fun of the obscurity of the whole thing. But I love when there's a donation aspect to it. Like that's actual action versus the performativeness. of like, come drink our beer. Be gay while drinking your beer this month.

I'm like, we're not going to drink that beer. Like, we need to have some great fruit extract. Like, read your demographics. Like, or it's like a PR team like two days before the month was like, by the way, if you guys don't do something gay, like you're going to be shed on. So like come up with something. And they're like, oh, fuck. I feel like it's gone too far.

It's like, you know, gas tank is like your gas casket, whatever thing is like rainbow. I'm like, it's too much. I'm like, I feel supported. Just chill the fuck out. I love my gay friends were like just being like just Venmo me don't spend all your money on a marketing campaign just Venmo me um when was the last time you lusted over someone like who are you crushing on oh okay so I went to get an x-ray random side story um welcome to 35 bitch your back's gonna hurt you need an x-ray um I looked cute in that like reverse hospital gown moment anyway that's

bet but the guy was like good and i was like are we going to fuck in the x-ary room because that i have not done that's low-key hot it was kind of hot um he was not um anyways we're being back alone um yeah so there was a guy in the front the front desk guy so i got there and first of all i think my doctor hates me because he sent me to the woman's center i was already mortified because i was the only man in the fucking place um anyways the place was gorgeous dusted walls and it looked very beautiful Anyway, so I get there. There's this hot guy in the front. Literally, Hannah, his leg was up.

Like, he just put his leg, like, so fuck boy energy was not wearing a mask, like, didn't give a fuck tattoo. Like, he was so hot and he had his, like, definitely doesn't wear a condom. Definitely doesn't wear a condom. He, like, comes on your face. And I walked up and he was like, what are you here for? Why are you at the woman center? He totally, like, asked me that.

And I was like, well, my doctor sent me here because it's like, whatever, I gave him the whole spiel. And he was like, it's kind of weird. but like you'll be up next and like I was so hard like that shit made me hard it was so hot anyways you're like he hated me just like the doctor and therefore I have two boyfriends now he totally hated me it was great so you have such an amazing positive like anti anti toxic positive anyway you just have a good energy about you that's what I was trying to say but like I know you've been through your shit and your dark times because a lot of people who present the happiest

have been through some of the darkest times. So for the little devils, I like to wrap the pot up by asking, what do you do to cope with your hell when you're going through it? Well, for me personally, it was stand-up. So stand-up really, and I think a lot of comedians, and obviously you are one and Des and other people that are comedians, a lot of my friends are comedians, like stand-up comedy saved my life in a way because I was so deep in a closet. I was suicidal. I was struggling. And then I went on stage and I was like, when i made front of it it seemed more manageable right i was like oh like ha ha i'm gonna kill myself but i'm wearing Gucci and then all of a sudden it was like funny and it seemed distant and i could start to unpack

it so it actually saved my life because a lot of people don't understand comedians to be funny to be light you have to go through the darkness so people that are like generally kind of indifferent haven't really been through a lot so to go on stage like you know i've taken comedy classes my teacher was like who's fucked up and everyone raised her hand like that's comedy right right like you have to be a little fucked up to laugh at yourself so i would say like for me it's finding my advice would be find that thing that kind of makes you feel alive whether it's comedy whether it's improv get outside your own head because our own heads can be very damaging so sometimes it's good to step outside of it and also don't let anyone in rent free either like i'm so tired of thinking about what people

think of me and all that shit i'm like listen if your dreams are not big enough and they don't make people laugh then you shouldn't motherfucking have them like i say things and people are like okay really and i'm like yeah bitch i'm gonna in 10 years i'll have a late night talk show bitch and you'll still be doing your 2.5 kids and the white picket fence and all that shit like i don't want that like i want to do cool things you know i love that so much because i'm pretty sure that when you decided to do stand up it wasn't a financial decision like it wasn't for money and i think like anyone listening get out of your head for a second and start doing whatever hobby you're you think brings you the most joy and just like watch how it manifests in your life because sometimes like

when the universe sees that you're like on a path next thing you know doors just start opening that your friend group changes and I love that you have that openness to just try new things to find happiness absolutely and also the money thing is so key what you said because a lot of people are like oh how much money do you make on TikTok you waste all this time it's not a waste because I've created a community and that's like stand-up I don't make millions of dollars doing stand-up but the fact the matter is I'm good at it. And I've also bombed many times. I understand when it kills.

Like that's a beautiful moment that most people, it's death taxes in public speaking. If you can do stand-up, you're pretty bomb. Like, we got magic, girl. I got paid 20 bucks last night, but it was worth it. That's it. Yes. So, Amir, yes. Give me all the goods.

Where can people follow you, listen to you, watch you, everything. I love you. I've had so much fun. I you're the best so fun this went by in a second I know right I'm like we're done um this is the most fun I've had at hell and a lot of people say I'm going to hell so if it's like this I'm kind of down um you can find me at amir yas official on both Instagram and um TikTok and you can message me I'll respond dick pics are fine um just not flaccid because nobody wants to see that it looks like a dead eggplant it's not no so fuck yourself please thank you um

Yeah, and I do cameo, and then I have my podcast, the take on. That's pretty much all of it, yeah. We love it. Well, thank you guys for coming to our disco party in hell today, and we'll talk to you later. Bye.