Berner Phone - Andrew Collin: Puddles & Panic Attacks

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

Andrew explains how he became Nikki Glaser's best friend, what it was like being a professional dog walker, why people call him Puddles, pranking siblings, being a hypochondriac, real estate agent, fish monger,  how he started stand up at 30 years old, that time he thought he was choking to death, how therapy changed his life, procrastinating, bombing, and Zoloft. GET TICKETS TO BERNING IN HELL LIVE HERE --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I bombed so hard. This old man kept going, that's not good. That's not good. And I broke character. I had this character named Andy Shalas, who was like this happy-go-lucky with a mustache. And I finally just go, fuck you, you old piece of shit. I'll come out. You want me to fucking come out there and fucking kick your old ass?

And I was like, so anyways. Welcome to the burning. what's up my little devils don't forget i have three live shows coming up early november we got philly boston long island they're selling out click the link in my description for this podcast for tickets or on my instagram bio also if you're in new york city this weekend i'm going to a very very special concert and you guys should come title the global music streaming service will be holding a benefit concert in partnership with Rock the Vote, a nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting voter registration and voting rights because y'all need a vote, okay? Major headliners include Alicia Keys,

which is pretty legit, G-E-E-Z, French Montana, Faruco, Tidalas,ine, and surprise artists. Who knows he'll be there? October 21st at the Barclay Center in New York City, join me at the event and get your tickets now at Title T-I-D-L.com slash rock the vote. That's title.com Rock the vote. Okay. Are you going to start? Yeah. Okay.

You guys, welcome to heaven. Just kidding. We're in fucking hell. And I just dropped the F bomb because I'm excited. We have a guest, a very special guest, Andrew Collin. He's a stand-up comedian, Nikki Glazer Sex-Slave, and host of the Puddles podcast. Ha-ha, you laughed. Welcome.

Oh, that was the joke? Yeah. The sex-lave thing? I thought it was funny. Usually the joke happens at the end. Try it again. I don't know. I kind of want to just put it in the middle to surprise you.

It's never, it should be in the middle. Are you not her sex slave or are you? No, but that should be you haven't denied it. Andrew Collin, host of Pottles, comedian, Nikki Glader's sex lady. Can you stop mansplaining how to intro someone to a podcast to me? You have a podcast. You've had four episodes. You're going to call me out for mansplaining for the first two minutes of this thing.

I'm just saying, you did it. You did man explain. You did mansplained. You jokesplained. As a man. You're so annoying. You literally have like three podcasts out and you got Heather McMahon on it. think you're like the shit now oh my god am i just is this a roast did i come on here just to i

mean respect me i was really nice to i'm five nine huh five nine and a half i don't respect my under six feet you know that i know why do you call your podcast puddles interesting is this how it's going to go this is like a question answer thing i mean or i could just be mean to you the whole time what do you want both okay um so why do i call my podcast puddles the real answer is we were going to a gig me and my sex owner Nikki Blazer you know blonde hair from the roast pretty famous whatever she picked me I'm a good comedian and uh I was her dog walker I picked up her dog shit for five years it's fine you were her dog walker oh yeah you don't know that story no so five years ago

Nikki saw me I was walking a dog with wheels it was like a robo dog like half machine half human or half dog and it was I had to put it in wheels all the time Cooper is like he was like 80 pounds and he like wanted to attack me every time and I had to put his dead legs in this in the in the robot thing and uh I'm just walking in and everyone be like you're doing the Lord's work like a lot of old people would say that and you pick up chicks with him no because you're the dog walker once that gets out and I don't want to live that lie and then they would invite them back to the house and then they see pictures of the other family and then I got to be like no it's cool and then I can't even go into the master bedroom

and now I'm in the bunk bed trying to fuck a girl on top of the bunk bed and And there's a kid just right below. Yeah, just staring at us. Yeah, I hate when that happens. So Nikki takes a picture of me walking this dog with wheels, and she puts it on Instagram. Having no one, she thought I was just this shithead dog owner. This is five years ago? Yeah, five years ago.

And a couple of my friends, they posted on Nikki's Instagram, hey, that's a comic, that's, and tag me. And then she started following me because I think she felt bad for me. And then I was like absurd. I would dance with dogs. I was like real stupid. Five years later, she moves back to New York. And she's like, hey, you're not still walking dogs. You're probably a full-time comic at this point.

I'm like, no, more than ever. I'm, if anything, I'm like 90, 10 dog to comic. I'm like literally all. Do you love dogs? Not as a depression. I do love dogs. It's like if you like pizza, but then you work at a pizza restaurant and you can't even smell pizza, the dogs just piss you off now.

Exactly. That's exactly what it is. You're like, oh, I have to walk them three. blocks and send a photo to the owner owners are really you do that kind of dog walking dude i would have to like make notes of if they pee or poop or like how their day was how their their bowel movement was was it smooth was it dude i have so many dog owners that just pissed me off so much they were like one guy gave me a bowl and he's like hey fill it up halfway and i was like well what about a smaller bowl and they're like well he likes this bowl and i was like and then you have to put

shoes on the dog fucking and then what else would I have to do. I don't know. It was just terrible. Are you good with animals? I mean, I'm pretty good, you know. I know how to, yeah, I think I'm a kind person. Would you talk to the dogs? Would you practice your sets to the dogs? Some people would call me to dog whisper. So I would whisper to them. That's funny. Yeah, it was pretty funny. I self-named that. By some people you've called it that. Yeah, just me. I got myself dog whisper. I have the tattoo to prove it. And then, uh, you've a tattoo called the dog Lispir. No, just puddles on my arm. Yeah.

Anyway, so then Nikki was like, hey, will you walk my dogs? And I was like... She wasn't like, hey, can you open for me? She was like, can you just walk my dog? Yeah. And I was like, then I was like, I had so much ego about it. I was like, I'm not just going to be a dog walker. You know, I'm a mansplainer.

You know that. And so I end up meeting her at like bed, bath and beyond. Public place. Public place. Smart for her. It's very smart for her. And then we start talking, and then she ends up offering me to host at Carolines, just a comedy club here in New York, a month later.

And we end up just becoming friends because I'd walk her dog twice a day. What are her dogs like? Well, she got rid of them. There was Luigi and Marion. She gave them to her parents and her sister. Because she couldn't afford your dog walking anymore? Pretty much. She was paying me.

Your top notch. Did you do any other celebrities walk any other celebrities? I almost walked Jake Allen Hall's dog. I met with his assistant and then I didn't get chosen I didn't get the job I thought I got it and then they're like I you know the dog loves to go on chores like loves to go to soho and shop and I was like this is a German Shepherd that bites people fucking it was ridiculous dog owners are so fucking absurd in New York they treat their dogs like such kids and I'm like one time I came in to the roly dog and uh these gay I was walking dogs for gay men oh I was walking this famous photographer's dogs and he had three great Danes and in New York like the biggest dog ever and he started hitting on me

like every time I would show up he'd wear less clothes but then act more surprised so like the first day I showed up he's like normal clothes and I swear to God the next day he was in like a parka and then next day there's like

gym shorts he's like oh look at me what am I wearing look at me I was like are the dogs even here he's like no we got rid of them four weeks ago just come in here And I was like, all right. I feel like if you own a dog in New York, you talk like you're the only one that's ever owned

a dog in New York. Yeah. But I love, it's a great excuse to get out of social functions to just be like, oh my gosh, my dog. Because if you're like, no, stay, it's like, well, you don't care about dogs? Yeah, you can't argue it. You hate dogs? It's a joker car.

Yeah, you can't argue it. Same with kids, too. I mean, a lot of people are like, oh, we got to get out of here by 10. And really, it's just like, you just become boring. So have you and Nicky ever made out? No. you both don't drink we don't drink that's why yeah maybe but probably not i don't think we're attracted to each other like that it's more like a brother sister or you have a sister no she died

in the whim it's true story you knew it was going to be a she yeah it was that late okay so then i didn't know my mom did you get the name puddles oh yeah so by the way i ended up killing that spot at Carolines and then Nikki used me and then brought me on the road and it's a true New York story really so I got the name puddles because we were on the road we were going to Atlantic City and this girl wrote me that I make her puddle in her panties and Nikki's like oh from laughter I was like no I like turn her on and she's like no your voice cannot turn on anyone anyone if it's it's definitely not come it's definitely just loads of piss coming out of that girl because she probably hates you and I was like no dude I think she's into me and I

got done doing that podcast guys we fucked and uh no yeah it turns out yeah so then i just ran with puddles so then i started calling myself puddle boy in yeah yeah like a lisp a smr yeah oh my god i'm gonna get complaints just because of that so it was gonna be one star to be like it was great except that one moment stop it okay stop do you like a smar do you like when guys whisper in your ear during sex um i don't i feel like i deal with like dumb loud athletes they're not Not that, like, not that nuanced. So, like, yeah, I've dealt with a lot of vanilla, large vanilla men, big tree fall hard, pick things up, put them down.

That's what I deal with. You don't want to fucking guide it overanalyzes and over things. No. Oh, God, no. You don't want a dumb caveman to just throw your round hunt for dinner at Chipotle, kill a steak, cut it up, extra guac, and then eat it off your ass. Don't forget the sour cream. If you don't bring me sour cream, we're going to have an issue.

I love sour cream. I know a funny story about sour cream. Yeah. My brother played a prank on me when I was like, when I was like six or something. And he's like, enjoy this ice. He's two and a half years older than me. I might have been older than six. 16.

36. Yeah, this was like months ago. This is whatever. You know, it is what it is. And he gave me a bowl of sour cream, but he said it was ice cream. And he's like, enjoy that ice cream. thinking he's fucking with me and then I ate the whole bowl and like loved it and asked for more and it like completely backfired I was like ha ha ha fucking this good ice cream he's like it's sour

cream I was like fucking like it completely it was great it was great it was nice that reminds me of a time me and my brother went to bed bath beyond and I just I was young probably older than I should have been but I discovered the joke my dad would do where he'd be like hey I'm smell this banana cream pie like we'd be at it and I'd smell it and then he'd put my face in it and so that's how I became how I am and I thought it was the funnest joke so I would like do it to my friends and get in trouble and I was a bed bath and beyond with my brother and I was like smell this lotion because like that's what you do in bed bath beyond he went to smell it and I put it on his face and he's like you're such a fucking bitch I'm supposed to smell stuff at bedbath and

be on anyway I don't know where I got that memory I haven't thought of in a long time but um yeah my dad's abusive yeah there's something about brother pranks where you kind of grow out of it I remember my brother had me I couldn't open the ketchup on a plane like a little ketchup packet he's like just punch it and I was like okay I'll just punch it and I punched it and the shit shot like six feet on this like this woman might have been dead like she was that old and it went all over her face like and and you know it's just whatever I don't know it's one of those things like I would torture my little brother he's 22 months younger yeah I wanted to say that like a pregnant woman yeah he's 20 10 months he's like and when I'd get him I'd get him I'd get him

bad when we were in the back seat because he stuck with me and we'd like drive out to wherever we're going and he was terrible at spelling when he was younger like he couldn't spell anything so he'd be like let me have some of your pretzels and I'd be like okay spell the and you like couldn't do it and then he would just cry it's almost like meaner that you chose such an easy word you know what I mean like if you started with like I can't even think of a big word that's how dumb I am I literally couldn't think of one the biggest word that came to my mind was like super Or like Dungeon

Microphone But like the is so much Were you good in school? No, I was a I'm not dumb But I'm a procrastinator I've ADD Were you a class clown?

I was up there Were you always outgoing? I'm not Depends sometimes I'm extroverted And introverted It all depends Like I get a ton of anxiety

Run people I don't know Yeah Not as much anymore You were very confident You were very confident you walked into this office and you were just talking to everybody and I went to leave to grab a snack because I love snacks and I for a second I was like oh I shouldn't leave him I don't be uncomfortable and you were like I got this I'm very comfortable with other uh Jewish men around my age that were born in

Palm Beach yeah far away from me I just there felt a bond between he's a sweet guy too I know that world of like a lot I went to Tulane they all like are that kind of guy Tulane is a good school yeah I don't know how I got in I cheat on everything I don't know it was bad you're street smart anxiety, huh? Cheating is street smart. It's something. So, okay, you clearly want to talk about anxiety because you've thrown it like five times. No, I didn't. I said it once. What is, when did you first

remember you got anxiety? Is that on your list? Yeah, I was going to get to it. Okay. What was next? I don't want to mess you on. No, I don't. It really is no order. These are just my thoughts. Don't look at my list. Oh, I don't know. I like the list. I love lists. It's the only way of orgasm is crossing things off my list.

Really? Yeah. Have you ever like written a list? I'm not a list. person i never wrote it down a goal in my life apparently it lowers your anxiety to just like if your your life feels and organized write a list of like things you have to do or things you want to do and then just exit out i don't know why lists i have a puddle on my pants right now from pisser yeah yeah okay cool because i have to be a list is like i don't know a list makes me do you know how to write yes i can fucking write like with a pen yeah yeah what did you do back in the day Back in the day, well, a feather pen in black and white.

Yeah. When was the first time you realized you had anxiety? I didn't know what it was, but I had it. I don't even know. Like probably college, it really came out when I started having, because I played sports like you. What did you play? Just football, basketball, lacrosse.

Small school, though. Small school. I didn't know Tulane at a football team. That's cool. I didn't play there. I played in high school. Oh, high school. But so, like, you have, like, I'm sure you dealt with this when you got done with Wisconsin.

I'm just, you know, explaining your life, too. Yeah, this man's my neck continue. I would leave the house at 7 a.m. I'd have school all day, and then I'd have practice, and then I'd get home at, like, 8 o'clock. So I had no time to even, like, stop and take, like, inventory of who I am. I would just... What do you want? Yeah.

This is right for you. All that shit. Taking just the beautiful... Also didn't drink in high school, because, like, I signed some, like... I drank like seven times. I got really... What did you sign? I signed some, like, thing that the coach or football coach wanted us to sign.

I didn't drink in high school really either. So then when I got to New Orleans, I was a fucking mess. And, like, you'd have, like, all this free time to be hungover with your own thoughts. Hangovers are, like, a depression instigator. Yeah. I mean, it's the fucking worst. So I couldn't go to class. I couldn't sit in class.

I'd get like horrible anxiety attacks you had water in between I didn't know what it was though yeah so I wasn't drinking water I wasn't even eating I was like depressed I don't know I was a mess and uh I don't know well I mean I am old enough where like anxiety and depression wasn't no especially with men yeah you're like I could be like I throw a football 45 yards who needs to get on Zoloft you know what I mean that's literally how I thought I was like fucking I'm tough I could bench 300 pounds Did you feel confident about who you are in college? No.

Why did you hate yourself? I think I hated myself before college. I think I was very small growing up. And then I also was Jewish and an all-Christian school, which was tough. So I always felt like an outsider. Why did your parents do that to you? Because my parents didn't want me to go to public school because they're shitty in Florida. Yeah.

And yeah, I went to private. And I think those two things, parents being divorced, hating each other, fighting a shit ton. Didn't talk to each other. Dad cheated on mom. Dad married woman he cheated with. Mom hated that woman, that woman. You know, so it was like all those things probably added up. Divorced at 13, which apparently is the worst age.

I love these little things we learn. Yeah, they're like the only age that will destroy the rest of your life when a brand's divorce is the age that they got divorced. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, seriously. And so all those things I think led to anxiety, but I didn't know how to deal with it. would deal with it through drinking, through avoidance. When did your, like, how does your humor play into that?

Were you silly and funny since you can remember? You got to be when you're short, the short Jew in an old, tall boy Christian school. Are you looking for a Jewish girl? No, not, not really. My brother's both married Christian. I don't give a shit. I really don't. I don't care.

So when did you first go on Zoloft? Like six months ago Wow Yeah so I like Avoided medicine Because like you know what it is Like I think like even like my family around me And I love them whatever

And they didn't know how fucked up I was Because I don't think I verbalized it well No Well no one No one knows how to verbalize it period back then Or even yeah Or even in the last 10 years And so then in my 20s I made a lot of money

And I lost everything And I was an horrible debt How did you make a lot of money In real estate Oh you're just like being social and yeah i just did one deal and i made like 300 grand overnight and i was like living with my mom and with like 800 dollars and then i had 300 000 what did you spend it on oh god i bought um just hookers i bought no no hooks maybe i don't know whatever it's it's what it is you know

so i ended up getting uh i bought a truck a tundra i remember it's like with a big fucking mud tire like 50,000 dollar truck and then like like Within a month, I was like, what am I? Yeah, with a tiny cock. And I was like, this tiny cock can't drive this truck. It adds up too well, you know? Like, this is too on the nose. What was your goal out of college?

Like, what were you trying to do? Did you want to, like, have money? Did you want to have a wife? Did you want to, what was your goal? What did you think would bring you happiness? So I cheated on everything in college, like I said, like everything. Like, I didn't learn a thing. I learned how to network.

No, I only, I dated one girl in college. cheat on her but like that ended horribly I like I was obsessed with her I'd write her poetry and like cry and let my tears lean on her cheeks like it's like something like really pathetic that's some taylor swift shit yeah I love that tear drop on her cheek I was obsessed with her because my parents being divorced I was like the first girl I'm gonna meet is the one I'm gonna marry I'm gonna have kids with her and shouldn't you like be scared to the first person you fall in love with want to marry because divorce has happened in your family Yeah, but I think I wanted to, it's like when you have an alcoholic mom and you don't want to touch alcohol, I think it kind of works the same way.

Yeah, you're like, I want this to work and I want to be beautiful and perfect. And so I tried to force it with someone that didn't want it with me. And I was like, but why? Mine, Krista. I'm like outside or dorm holding like a boombox crying in the rain. It's always, I'm most obsessed with the people that like don't let you in at all, like the ones that you're just obsessed with your projection of what you think they'd be like. And then if you actually dated them, you'd probably hate them. Yeah, yeah.

The, like, my biggest heartbreaks are dudes that, like, I never even, like, one and more than three dates with. Because in my head, I'm like, he was it. Because you didn't learn enough. Yeah. If you stick around, you see the faults. And then... Anything is learning about someone until you realize you don't like what you learned.

Or you project on what you think they are forever, and you never learn who they are, and you go on way more than dates and not. I guess if two people project in a hell, and then they could just live their fancy, fake life together. It could be beautiful. I don't hate on it. The older I get, I was like, why do we learn about each other at all? I really think it's two people just convince that they want to make it work.

Like, two people just have to decide I want to make it work. I just think timing is so important. Like, especially if it's going to be a long-term thing. Like, each person has to, it's got to be the right time. So many people ended up together just because, you know, they got done with their cocaine addiction. I mean, so many of my girlfriends were like, oh, it's time to get married. With kids, I can see clearly now the cocaine is gone up my nose. Oh, this is a very musical podcast.

Teardrums on my guitar. I love that song. Anyways, so yeah, so what did I want to do after college? I'm all over the place. It's okay. So I didn't have any skill set, so I was like, what do I want to do? I don't know. I have nothing.

Were you good at drinking? No, I was bad. Yeah. Like, what do you mean? Like, could you drink a lot? I could drink a lot. I was fun until I was really not fun, you know, like just doing dumb shit. Crying.

I'd cry after fighting, like, I don't know, in a puddle. I literally got a fight in a puddle in college, but whatever. That's how I really got the name. I beat up some guy in a puddle. And the puddle was your tears from crying about Krista. Oh, God, and where did she go? She's married to a heart surgeon, though. Well, I'm 28, so I'm dealing with all these people who, like, they've dated, they've dated,

find they're like let's settle down it's just like you happen to be dating someone when you're 28 so you marry them yeah that happens a lot because you go to so many weddings and you're alone at these weddings and you're like I guess it's time I guess or like you know you go home so many times and you're single so you have to sleep like on the couch or like underneath the refrigerator and you're like I just want a fucking bed like and it's like assume that you can because you're single you get fucking oh just go sleep in the grass you know what I mean Go sleep in the barn. We don't have a barn.

Well, figure, build one. You single piece of shit. Go sleep in a dog bed. Go sleep on nails. But I have more going on. Yeah, they treat you like you're some unlovable piece of shit when you're like, I could, I could settle so many times. Dude, motherfuckers, these couples, they hate each other. They're not even family.

They're just these two random people that, like, my brother's kind of know. But because they're a couple, they're over blood. Business arrangement. Dude, a couple, it could be a random stranger staying at, like, family. But if they're couples, they're over you. Yeah. I could stretch out on a bed. A couch, I'm going to freaking be soft.

My back's going to hurt. I'm going to be a horrible time. I'm going to sleep late, and then everyone's going to be in the fucking living room while I'm sleeping. Like, flirting with each other and shit. Oh, you awake? How pissed off when you're, like, does your brother ever wake you up, like, cooking or something? And they're, like, they're extra loud. Oh, my God.

That's me because I'm the single one in the family My brother's engaged He's younger than me And I love sleep And if anyone wakes me up It's like we're not talking for a while It's a personal attack on my happiness And they wake you up like

They give you that alarm Like they'll be making eggs But just louder Like everything's just loud Or it'll go And it's like Motherfucker I'm sleeping in the living room

Because no one cares about me Just banging cabinets As hard as they can And then you sleep late And then they go Flipped till 10, huh? Flipped till 10. Everyone already ate and went for a jog.

They already had morning sex four times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a morning person, huh? Mom, I have 100,000 followers on Instagram. 150 now. I'm on a show. My brother is a businessman. He's engaged to a nurse.

He has a cat. They have this beautiful apartment together. And I'm just, like, alone with my 150,000 followers jerking myself off. I know. It's honestly pretty good. We try to, like, literally find the sadness and everything. And it's like, our lives are so good. It's so funny.

It's like, we have to sleep on the couch in a big home and watch TV on a flat screen that's 60 inches instead of 50. So Andrew knows about my complicated relationship that I went on his podcast called Puddles because I'm messing with this, like, model hockey guy who wears rings. Do you like him for me? I don't know him, so I can't. But from afar. No. He seems like someone that, like, he seems nice, but like he's like American psychoish. Like, he's flexing in the mirror while he's having sex with someone else. Why do you think I like crazy men who have symmetrical faces?

I think that you get bored easily. And if something is mundane and happens every day, you don't like repetition, even though you like lists. but so then you want to spice up your life and you think you're then more interesting if you're fucking some guy with rings and a Harley but really you'd probably be better off fucking a guy with like

I don't know I'm a four wheeler no but I think yeah I think we just want to seem I don't know I wanted to give you the opportunity to show me your knowledge and I kind of did

you did for a second I was believing you and then you lost a little yeah oh that's the story in my life so you lose all your money oh so yeah so after college i went to i guess i'll tell you a quick story i went to college after college i went to l.a to do what that's going to be a producer i read like producers for dummies because you look like a producer right now you look like an angry director yeah who's had a long day and is sick of the apes not getting their shit together i mean the apes or the pas whatever it's just in principle to your mother

so I end up going to L.A. and then I have a job at a production company for one weekend on like a commercial arm but I thought it was like a job for a year like I thought it was like a full-time job but it was like oh no just so I drove cross-country with all your shit with everything to work one weekend and I lived like two hours away from like L.A.,

like with traffic like up in like Rancho's Pallas Fair Days and whatever and so then I ended up getting a job in a in a I was worked at filing as an accountant and I like wore a suit to work and I like why are you wearing a suit you're a filer like I was gonna get another job in production it's no because I'm lazy and like I had to like fight for it and I don't like fighting that much I've always been lazy and um I end up uh like just I end up just like leaving work every day like I had this whole scheme working out where like I would pretend a file in the back and then I would just leave and then sign out at the end of the week and I thought I was being like so cool

and like and slick and no one caught me like you're pulling something but like my great uncle ran American Express in like that area so it's like oh no they just didn't care like I wasn't my brother brought that up like 10 years later is like yeah you're not brilliant like they just weren't your job was that insignificant that you didn't do it I literally would go I would drive an hour and a half to their job worked 15 minutes I'd file like red hot chili peppers like a American Express cards Which is kind of cool to see what they were spending And then I would leave

And then I would check out for 40 hours each week And I would go play basketball and work out I was in great shape Very lean And then I went to New Orleans And I partied and I did cocaine With a stripper Who

Overlooking this Lake Pontchartrain And we were just talking about life We weren't even hooking up We were just like What is the meaning of You know It's water real You know shit like that

Like did a fish really not have legs and like stuff like this you know what I mean is the universe watching us right now yeah and what's it saying is it in love is love real are we insignificant are we big who's small

anyways just stripper's just like what stripper's like can you pay me already can you line up another one I'm gonna charge you more for this so I do coke all night and then I do a gravity bong hit to relax which do you know what a gravity bong hit it's like a big hit yeah it's like put it in the wine

And then my body goes numb and I thought I'm having a heart attack. I couldn't literally I couldn't move and you're still with the stripper No, no, no, this is the next day. This is the next day. This is the next day in the afternoon. I'm at my friend's house who they were seniors at Tulane and you were still on the couch. This is why you don't like couches. I despise couches. Yeah. So I can't move on this couch and I I tell my buddy I go, I'm having an heart attack. He's like stop being a little pussy and I was like real. He's like fine. I'll drive you there, but I'm not getting out of the car. Did you tell him you were high off your. I was high, but I was also very dehydrated, and I didn't drink, and I was drinking for five days, right, whatever, like, I was fucked up, and I end up going into the heart ward, and I had a, I had a heart murmur. It wasn't a heart attack, but, like, it was bad enough where I ended up in the heart ward for, like, three days with, like a $7,000. How old were you? 21, 22. Wow. And then I went, I didn't tell my parents that it was cocaine. I don't know if they knew what it was, and then, like, I owed seven Gs, And I had no money I quit my job I don't know it was bad and I just went back to Florida That was like my time in L.A. That was a year So like I worked on one Waffle House commercial I wrote I wrote one joke I was gonna do stand up and I kept walking past the comedy club and I never worked up the courage to go in

Oh my god so anyway I love those stories of like that was an opportunity like the door was open Which one which door? The comedy door was open for you kind of and then it closed but like like it'll open again but yeah i think god i didn't do it then because i would have been so bad and dumb you would probably quit that i would quit for sure when was the first time you realized you might want to do comedy years later i mean i have so many stories but like i made a lot of that money and then i lost everything in the boom and the bust of florida real estate i made 300 grand and i lost it all i bought an apartment out it was for like 220 grand and it was worth like 60 thousand and then I was in all this debt because the market crash and I had money owed to the IRS and then I had zero business man some would say an entrepreneur really some call me a shark I'm like Mark Cuban like a young cubes I had so many shitty so I lost all this money and then I was like I'll just start a website oh I'll call you hot dot com which is like a mix between hot or not and YouTube and ended up just being a really shitty YouTube and

I sold it to some guy who made it a porn site for the same amount of money I put into it. Nice. And then I ended up, like, so many stupid jobs and, like, trying to just make this, like, because I made so much money overnight. So your goal was kind of to make the money or to find your purpose? No, make the money, because I thought if I made the money, I'd be happy again. I could pay off my taxes. I wouldn't have to ask my dad for money, and I could just, like, then I'll be whole.

You do kind of look like a startup investor right now. I do. I mean, I have the look, just the what's under the hat and the skull. it's not much anyway so i end up like i end up moving to new york oh so then i was like then something came to me in a dream and it was just a lot of dogs pretty much some barking some gay guy trying to give me a hand job and dogs i saw it in a i saw it in a commercial and i knew that would be my life to the gay man jerking off three great hand great things just a funny angry blonde whipping me so I end up moving I wrote a screenplay I wrote a movie oh wow so you always had a

creative side to you I know but I was afraid to do it because my parents my dad's a doctor he's just like he was like I'd rather you just lose all your money being filing things away than trying to do what you want they wanted me to have a job that wasn't commission based like something like very like just like a teacher or you know why don't you do it because I didn't want to do it. I just, I didn't, I knew I couldn't just sit in a, you're like, I hate having a salary. I, yeah. They do say that a month to month, I mean, a yearly salary is like a cocaine addiction, like people get addicted to the safety of. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah. But I'd never like, I just wanted to bring cocaine and back into it. For sure. Because it's fun. Yeah. My heart felt that.

I actually haven't done coke since then, but whatever, now I want it. pretty bad oh thanks thanks for bringing it oh no how much was that good was there fentany on that oh no

welcome to hell oh shit the devil snorts it with you so then I end up moving to New York and taking like one screen running class at NYU and I can't get a job

because of the market like there was no like you can't it's like 2008 yeah selling real estate in Florida is so different than trying to be in real estate in New York Like, you couldn't just be like, there's some orange growth. There's a grove.

Yeah, there's land there. That's in Florida. You're just like, oh, we're there. Just buy that land. And then you write, like, the price on a napkin. And here you have to do, like, Excel and functions and stuff and, like, math. Why do you think you were lazy? My mother was very lazy.

Why do you think she was lazy? Because my, after the divorce, she just became an alcoholic. and she became depressed and she wouldn't leave her room. I think people confused depression and anxiety with laziness a lot. For sure. For sure. Yes. Yeah, I think so.

Because sometimes like. But I think they could be handy. You could be lazy due to your depression. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. But she was a drunk. And then my dad was a workaholic, but he wasn't around.

He was a doctor. He worked like 100 hours. If I was around him, maybe more, I would, you know, cheat. And my mom, like he did. But it's fine. I'm not angry. We actually get along really well now. But, um, so I think I just took that work ethic from there.

And then I think because of the anxiety and the depression, it, it did. It paralyzed me a lot of times. That's a, yeah, that's the word. Yeah. Yeah. So when did you start dog walking? So I moved to New York the first time. And I ended up getting a job at a lobster place where I cut fish.

And, uh, I was a fishmonger. Like literally like the one, it's on, it was on Bleaker Street. Yeah, yeah. No lobster place You just reek of fish All day long I would smell so bad Like and your fingernails

Will always smell like just Dude I was a giant tilapia I was so disgusting I was so Bums would move away from me On the subway They'd be like Is that

Is that fish? And I was like Yeah but dude it's cool No I just had a lot of vagina Two nights ago And I haven't showered On top of a sushi roll That's what happened bitch

Well you smell like fucking salmon Get the fuck away from me You smelling Are you good at cutting fish? So you want to know something pretty interesting? No. So, but no, but this is the thing. Like, I can, I can't filet a fish well, but I know, okay, this is.

You know what you should do? No, here's a secret. You ready for this? And all the listeners, if you cut a piece of fish, right? It's already, like, skinned and everything. So let's use salmon as your, as your, whatever, as your go-to. Four fingers is one pound of salmon. Okay.

And so, so you don't have to put it on the weight thing. You could just like, if you do four fingers, you're going to get around 0.9. But like everyone has different sized fingers, so that can't be true. You, you, you learn, you adapt, you evolve. So you were just too lazy to just pick it up and put it on the weight thing? No, it's quicker. When the line, the line's going. I mean, this is New York.

You don't have time. So you would be like four and a half fingers would be a salmon. I got pretty wide fingers, but they're not too long. For the listener at home, I have a huge hands. Giant hands It's like two fingers for me So then I was able to weigh things With my hand

I had a panic attack and I left And then What caused this panic attack? I don't know I just I couldn't leave It was like a long line The fish were closing it on me

The barracuda They didn't even have them But they all look like them Even the snapper The eyes were just looking at you Yeah they all turned into sharks Yeah that's scary It is scary, especially.

I had to kill a soft shell crab that was alive. That was insane. That's traumatizing. And it's still moving. No, that's traumatizing. A little much. Yeah.

So much. I don't go fishing because I don't want to kill innocent fish. No, but you'll eat them. Yeah. So I end up having a panic attack. I left. My brother then hired me.

He runs like a private equity fund. He kills it. It makes millions of dollars. But then your brother told you could work for his private equity company. Yeah. So my job was to go in and consult. I'd go in and like a hard hat on. and consultants make me laugh

especially when they're like 23 and they're like I'm a consultant I'm like who the fuck are you consulting also what is consulting I don't think anyone knows what an actual consultant does I was it for a year no idea no idea I need a consultant to tell me what consulting is so I end up

I end up I end up like you got fired I had another panic attack so I'm having these panic attacks do you think you're having these panic attacks because you like didn't feel like you're being authentic to who you were 100% yeah like you just were like you were disconnected from your true identity so your body was like unhappy for sure for sure and I had like I was a hypochondriac if I had heartburn

I went to a heart attack I drove myself to the I went to the ER thinking I was a heart attack one time when I was in the factory and um I was like working in like outside boss Boston a place called Taunton Massachusetts and I'm like driving around thinking I'm having a heart attack driving the ER, and the guy's like, you're just a little bitch. And I was like, thanks, Doc. You're suffering from severe little bitch syndrome. Here's a $5,000 bill. So I end up leaving there, and I ended up working in Miami'sburg, Ohio,

and I had to work the night shift in a factory and run the whole factory. How'd you end up in Ohio? Because they had a company there. Okay. And I lost my mind working the night shift in like two weeks, and I was like, I got to get out of here. And I don't think, like, I never like, Like I said, it's hard to verbalize, like, how fucked up you are or admit.

Did you have a sense of humor throughout all this? Yeah, I was funny. Like, I was funny. Like, we would have meetings and I would make fun of, like, my boss and stuff. And no one would say anything because my brother owned the company was very similar to the uncle's situation. I remember, like, we had, like, whatever. I don't know. I don't want to get canceled or whatever.

But, like, we had an Indian boss named Parthy. And I would, he had a mustache. And I drew a mustache on my hand. and I would like imitate them in front of all. And he'd be like, you can't do this. And I was like, you had a full on bit. Yeah, I was like full on. You had a one-man show during each meeting.

They like call my brother and they're like, look, your brother set up a stage. And your brother, he brought in people. And he has the factory workers not working and just watching his one-man show about how he ate a piece of bread wrong one time. So yeah, so I ended up. Leaving there, I just left. I went back to Florida.

I had our panic back left, went back to Florida. You Irish exited. Irish exited, that job. Left of very, it wasn't good between me and my brother at that point. I was so depressed. I'm still in debt. No idea what I want to do. I like these moments where you're like, I've tried everything and we're at rock bottom.

What happens? Oh, we're not at rock bottom yet? Well, I had a lot of rock bottoms. It's never one big enough. You would think the heart attack was probably to, or whatever. But you were still young. You didn't even know how bad things could be. 21, you're like, oh, that sucked.

Yeah. But you're not like, oh, life is so long and treacherous. So now I'm like 30. I'm back in Florida. And I get a job at like a nurse on call. It's called. And it was like a company where you do like at home nursing. So like I'd go into doctor's offices and because my dad's a doctor, they gave me the job.

So I'm just getting like all these jobs I've gotten. are all because family relationships or friend relationship. And you've never felt like you really earned it. Never. Or felt value in yourself. Exactly. And I'm in Palm Beach. I remember and I'm talking to my buddy, Tom, and he got a divorce and his friends paid

for a comedy class at the Improv. And, um, in West Palm and, you know, he enjoyed it and he's like, you're so funny. Why? You got to do this class. How old are you at this time? I'm 30. Okay. And, uh, I'm like, I'm like, nah, dude.

I was like, I don't, I have stage right. I can't get up. in front of people, you know, I'm more of, you know, behind the scene, like a producer. I don't know if you heard about my one weekend. So that Wathloss commercial? Me. With Joel McHale. I think it was IHOP.

There were a lot of pancakes. You don't leave that place happen. That's my joke about IHop. Now I'm hungry. You should get sandwiches with that lettuce and cheddar. The way you say lettuce makes me never want to eat lettuce ever again. How do I say? I just, my whole body just shivered.

Yeah, I have a lot of, like, water in my mouth. Lettuce. You have puddles in your mouth. That's why you call it puddles. That would be a better explanation. I think I might run with that. Puddle, puddle. So you say you have stage fright.

I say I have stage fright. Do you have stage fright? You just said that. No, I do. Like giving presentations, I would shake. Like in college, like also was hung over. I was applying to Miami ads. I was like, oh, I'll be a copy.

Like, I was trying to find a career that was. creative. So I was like, I'll be a copywriter. And then there was a school called Miami Ad School. And I applied or I was going to apply or whatever. And they had this thing where like you could write 10 deep thoughts by Jack Handy, which used to be a thing for SNL. And I wrote like all these like deep thoughts or whatever. And I wrote a hundred of them like that. You know, and they came very easy to me. Like, and they were jokes. I didn't even realize I was writing jokes. And so I had all these jokes. And my dad was like, I don't know if you should go to school you know a career and even in copywriting ends up just being a job and and so like he wasn't

going to pay for my school i was in debt i wasn't going to try to get a scholarship i'm not you know that you know i'm lazy and uh you have to write like a paragraph essay i know and explain like my hardships yeah just listen to this i'll send this to miami ad school after my comedy career's over they're like no it's too sad so i would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that, and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMPA playoffs are here, and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key

matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember. about how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way. And we're hoping to, you know, make it run.

So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHeart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that, and that's the goal. We want to win a championship.

I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here, and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere. else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way and we're hoping to, you know, make it run.

So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHartRadio app, Apple Podcasts. or wherever you get your podcast. Is this boring? No, it's kind of fun. No, I love, no, because I, like, we hit it off on your podcast, but I'm very intrigued by how people get to where they are, and this is all fascinating information I'm going to use against you in the future. Okay, I hope so.

They're in, like, a roast one day. Yeah, yeah. And so I have all these jokes. I decide, okay, I'll do the class, and I go to the class, and I just start reading these one-liners. And, you know, the class, Classes, if you're out there and you want to start staying up, a lot of people are like, don't do a class, don't be a fucking bitch. You just got to get out there and cut your teeth. The class gives you like a level to like jump off of. Like, you know, and it's like what? You're not going to take tennis lessons. You're just going to go out there and hit against a wall and you're going to become, you know, you wasn't that good. Who serves on their hands still. And is it improv classes? No, no, this is stand-up. Stand-up. Yeah. And so I end up doing these one-liners. Don't talk shit about my test. ever again continue okay i won't so i end up like doing his one and i like zach alfnack and so i was like

i want music and then i get like this wookie i got my buddy who i would always like who's weird he's named crappo and he would wear wookie outfits all the time and wear wolf outfits and go out in florida that must be brutal very sweaty so sweaty yeah so i end up uh taking the class i get the wookie to dress i was like can you play guitar and dress as the wookie and right away he's like i'll cut the gloves i was like all right cut the gloves so he cuts the gloves he plays slide guitar while I do these one-liners and it's like where'd you do it at the improv like I did a class graduation I had like 48 people show up that's how it always ends yeah the first show everyone's like wants to see you fail so they all show up and I ended up doing well and uh the improv person's like you

go right to featuring blah blah sure enough like the wookie and I have a falling out because he is so sweaty we got to go to like open mics and play for like three people and he's put on like a full movie wookie costume it was so absurd and he's like can I do it without the costume and you're like no just the gloves no no you can't just a mask no

full fur you fucking bitch so he ended up like getting a girlfriend and she you know he was never to star so it was like not about him so he quit and then I just kept doing it and then I changed up my whole act I remember the first time I did just the one liners without the

wookie I bombed so hard I got this old man kept going that's not good that's not good and I broke character I had this character named Andy Shallas who was like

this happy go lucky with a mustache and then he kept going that one's not good and the whole audience could hear

and I finally just go fuck you you old piece of shit I'll come out you want me to fucking come out there and fucking kick your old ass

and I was like so anyways I was like oh so and then I remember like these pro comedians are like you can't do that man

but he kept saying we're bad so I end up writing I do like so you end up wearing a wiki costume on your own yeah and then I'm still wearing it but no I ended up like writing my own act and and like taking it seriously and for the first time in my life I was like not lazy I guess if we could like bring it all together like a one-man show but I really wasn't lazy because like you can't be lazy and go up there passionate about something you do yeah and you'll bomb and you'll look like a fucking idiot also when you like something it doesn't it doesn't have the same like work feeling it feels like you're you're doing what you're meant to be

doing that sounds so corny but like if you're creative your mind wants to be in that you know place you do and you just i think that when i finally found this and there was no like entry point like or like or the entry point was no one was like i didn't have to rely on anyone and for the first time of my life i was doing something that i couldn't call my uncle and be like hey man what's this joke hey can you hook me up with jokes you know you can't you can't like do you can't take the easy way out and it gave me because I did love sports like sports like sports was like my passion you know everything I was about and then when that was cut off when I went to college that's when the anxiety started and I had all that time so now I finally got something to put that anxiety into

and but I was still dealing with anxiety and panic attacks but they were a little bit less farther in between and then I ended up still had a panic attack I remember I drove myself to the urgent care thinking I was choking to death and I drove 20 minutes choking to death I swear to God it's just the wrong pipe it was like on the throat and I thought I swallowed a piece of lint I had a tickle that was going to be way more than a tickle it starts as a tickle if you know anything about choking to death it starts as a tickle so I end up like I was just living I'm like grandma's across the street from my other grandmas and I ran across the street because grandma thelma was in new york and i ran to shirley's and i was like shirley grandma shirley

i'm choking she's like what ha so i got in my camry beige and i drove to the doctor's office thinking i was choking to death and i'm like sitting in traffic and i'm like i'm choked like telling myself like because i don't want to not be choking because now i look like an idiot. So I'm like figuring out like, you have to go full choke. I got to go full choke. You can't go half choke. So I'm like, I got to get this tickle to a, you know, to a scratch. And so I end up getting to the ER, I'm like looking for parking while choking to death. Like, I'm like, oh, can I park? You're parking there? I'm choking. Can I park? Are you leaving? Are you leaving? Are you leaving? Are you leaving? Oh, no, you're staying. Okay. And so then I parked the car. You know, I take off the seatbelt.

I walk out. I'm walking while choking. You push your mirrors. Push my mirrors. Yeah I put up that like thing that blocks the sunlight on the front windshield I put on my my my fucking what's the bar? Yeah this is the bar thing The bar thing we don't know anything I don't drive yeah what's a car I put on the bar well yeah so I do all these steps And I go to the ER and I'm like or urgent care and I go up to the lady

You fill out your name your social phone fill out my name fill out my show fill up my address and she goes what seems to be wrong I go Oh, interesting, you asked. I'm choking. Yeah, to death. And she goes, what? She goes, I remember she was looking now. She looks up, she goes, what?

And I go, I guess you didn't hear me because of the choking. I don't know if I'm speaking clear. Can you hear me? Because I can hear myself, but it could just be in my head, but like, I'm choking, like, really bad. To your death. To my death. To my death. I just want to make sure.

And she goes, I remember, she just goes, she looked at me and she goes, well, you have a seat. I go, I don't think you heard me. I can't sit because there's no time. I'm choking us right now. I can't. She goes, I go, there's no time. I'm choking to death.

And she goes, just have a seat. So then I sit down. I remember I sat down and I start reading a magazine. Sports Illustrated. I'm joking to death. And I remember the panic. And if you've ever suffered from panic attacks, you would know that you're just not, your brain just, and I didn't know what a panic. I still, at this point, I'm 31, 31, whatever.

Were you having a panic attack that you were choking? Yes. Okay. Because sometimes if you feel like you're losing control of your physical body, your mind starts going insane. That's what was happening. Yeah. But I also, I definitely was choking. Yeah, yeah.

So then I end up finally, like, coming down some to the point where, like, I'm like, this is so embarrassing. Like the doctor hasn't come out yet, and I'm just like, this is not going to, this is ridiculous. You're like, my throat has never felt more clear. To be honest, I don't, I, I can swallow a sword right now and be fine. I can swallow a whole sword. I can swallow the whole clown car. I have so much room in my throat. So then I go, doctor comes out and says, okay, I could see you and I walk back there.

And I'm just like And you realize how much money that's going to be So she goes to me She goes She looks at the thing She's like Hmm She looks at me like this

She goes She goes She goes Did you even pretend The cloth While she's reading She says here You're uh

You're choking And I go I go to death Yeah To death And she goes Toking to my death She goes

Hmm Okay, I got to, how do I put this? There's usually symptoms, turning blue, shortness of breath. Choking. Choking. Number one's choking. I go, yeah, but I have a tickle. I have a strong tickle. She's like, I swallowed a piece of lint.

Like, I literally thought I swallel. Like, I was laying on the floor, and I thought I inhaled, like, a piece of lint while I was looking at my iPad, too. And. Why were you laying on the floor? I don't know. laying my grandparents bed it's very grounding i was sleeping in my grandparents there were only couches in the vicinity and you're like fuck i'm like a floor i like a floor i love a floor

sometimes i would just put a blanket down sleep on a floor yeah just nice yeah so i end up uh i end up getting an x-ray still no yeah i still made her take an x-ray and um she like prescribed me like xanax and like i don't know a dustbuster it was bad i just remember it was like 175 bucks and i just left there and i was like what the fuck is wrong with you and even then i guess not rock bottom but even then i wasn't like i need medical help like my brain is also i wish that doctors would then be like okay clearly nothing physical is happening then let's look at your mind like what's going on with your mind right now why are you so quickly thinking you're about to fucking die but like that's what anxiety is being worried about the future um so six

months ago you went on zoloft you said yeah what made you get on it i was coming too good i was coming too quick and too good no you know what it was i how many milligrams are you on just 50 um i moved so i moved to new york is that not a lot no apparently it's not a lot it's like a starter kit it's enough for me um it was so like i ended up moving back to new york to do stand-up And then that's when I worked and grilled cheese for a little while for my buddy that owns the melt shop. Oh, yeah, milk shop. It's legit. My buddy Spencer, Ruben.

Cool. Good guy. And I ended up working for him while I was doing stand up. You just had such a crazy wide range of industries. I mean, and none of them worked like a real, like none of them. Like everyone's like, you've worked so many. I was like, I have not learned anything. You're like, I didn't do anything at any of these jobs.

Yes. Yeah, I had the title of grilled cheese man, fish guy, dog shit. U-Hot real estate. I guess real estate's the only like real one and even that was one deal. And with your uncle. Yeah, it wasn't even a real estate. So I end up like, you know, moving here

and like, and then I met I was a dog walker. And New York definitely will help your anxiety if you move to New York. It was fucked up, but at least I was doing what I wanted to do. So you started doing stand-up at night? Mm-hmm.

Like insane amount. Like 10 mics. day. Wow. Not a day, like a week. Okay. Just fucking working my fucking dick off. You're like morning tonight doing sense. Well literally I retired for six years. So it's like I had time to work at like I retired like I was playing golf every day in Florida and shit. So like I was just fucking ready to go like and I did it and I like push myself and I became friends with so many people and you network and like whatever and then you just get better and better at comedy and I was like I'm old for this like starting later yeah did that make you insecure for sure because I'm not old

in real world but I'm old in comedy world yeah so you're like treated thank God you're not a woman yeah oh I'd be freaking dead by now or pregnant worse yeah so then I end up you know getting a job as a dog walker and then I meant Nikki she took a picture of me and then like whatever like a year ago she hired me or a year ago or maybe like a two year and a half ago she hired me as dog walker six months into that I was working enough for her would you guys talk about comedy at all yeah a lot literally the first day we talked about she gave me an opportunity and then I was featuring for her I was able to quit dog walking and now I'm just a comedian you're going on this theater tour theater tour starting January fucking insane yeah and I'm on a radio show all the time and I'm doing

my own shit now which is good too yeah and and so I ended up going to a therapist like a regular shrink okay how do you make that decision because it's I know it's not an easy decision to make it was just time dude and I think that's what happened like I had an intervention one time well that's fun like my brothers intervened me but really just because I was being lazy it wasn't even about drugs or anything but whatever so like I should have went there's so many times they were like you are so lazy you know what it was my anxiety was so mad and it was just laziness like I couldn't stop like stopping to take inventory and really like taking a deep dive into who the fuck you are I couldn't I just kept pushing yeah and actually in lean

manufacturing which sounds really like funny like that like I'm using this example but like when you make production you can't just like push product because if you push the faster thing you get to the slower process and it'll just build up it's kind of like a dirty room we were talking about that like if your room is dirty and you don't clean it up and then it just keeps getting dirtier and dirtier and dirtier where you even begin yeah um and we're yeah so that happens like so if you keep pushing it's like your mind yeah you keep digging this yeah you keep like getting farther away from the first time you had in anxiety yeah so it's just all and i feel like therapy is like okay let's go through the pants let's put the pants in the drawer okay next we're going to put

all your jewelry in this corner and they go they go through all the things that you thought you hid and the main thing was like my health i went and got like tested for everything and Like I always like was afraid of AIDS for some reason. Like I got an age test when I was virgin because I fingered a girl and I bit my nails. You're so funny. So and so then like I like was so afraid AIDS. And so I got an age test. I was clear.

And then I was clear like everything was good. So I got that health thing done, which I like held on to. Like I thought I might have had age for like 20 years. But like I like outlived the AIDS where I was like, oh no, I can't be, I can't be dying. Like I would have been dead already. You know, I would have had at least one bruise or something. something. So I have been choking to death with AIDS for 20 years. Choking on AIDS. Yeah. Maybe that's what's in my mouth. You were choking on a dick. Yeah. That's so and then my taxes and I finally met with

an accountant and I like I was like I really needed it. So now I'm like caught up today finally like a week ago. I'm like fully caught up. Congratulations. So like these like little things that I would avoid and I'd put on this like huge pedestal. I give you anxiety. Yeah you got to attack your fear. But you can't get there unless maybe you're talking to someone that really like like we'll listen to you and we'll hold your hand to be like we're going to get through this yeah that is not a big deal like you're not that fucked up is it a coincidence do you think you're not that fucked up I'm pretty fucked up but I'm not that fucked up I was like let's not I think I'm better yeah I'm not better I've talked to people before I've been like yeah I'm broken and I'm like I don't think anyone is broken I think everyone has

tons of cracks. I don't think anyone's broken. I think that everything is malleable and like our brains are so malleable and that's like the beautiful thing about being human. Nothing is permanent unless like you fully fuck your shit. Were you afraid Zoloff was going to affect your comedy? Mm-hmm. Has it? It's made it better. I was what to say like is it a coincidence you started Zoloff these last six months and your career is kind of blown the fuck up. I stopped drinking. That helps but I've stopped drinking before but I stopped drinking like 10 months ago. I just think like it has all worked out like I worked hard enough where when I got the opportunity I was ready that's such a great point because I've had people in the industry be like I just need the right opportunity I'm

like if a casting director if Nikki Glazer came up to you right now it was like open for me or like whatever industry you're in would you be able to do it yeah and they're like actually no I'm like so trains because that can happen at any time especially New York City you know who's going to take a picture of you walking a um a dog with wheels yeah a dog Cooper I didn't want to make fun of it yeah it sounds really cute It was. So I want to end this podcast with a final game now that I know everything about your life. A little too much, I would say.

You think? Yeah, we are a little too detailed at times. I'm sorry. We can cut it out. We could just start with the PA and then work our way to the end there. Just cut out about an hour and a half. Just go after your passion, guys. And by the way, I'm not happy.

Yeah. I love when people like, they always have like, and then I found my passion and everything was fine. No, I still struggle a ton. But I haven't had a panic attack in six months. That's amazing. Like all those self-help books, I'm sorry, I love buying self-help books. It makes me feel like I gained some knowledge, but I never read it. So do you read any of it?

No. You just put it on a shelf and just have it there? Well, I would buy it when I'm depressed. I'm like, oh, I need to read this book. So many times I've done things depressed and then two days later. I'm like, I'm going to, I bought a book the other day about acting. Contrude false. I just feel like the self-help books.

It's like obvious. Like everything they're saying, it's like, no shit. If I could just read a book and never be depressed, no one would be depressed. It's shit you have to work out with your own self. Now I'm getting heated. But let's play our final game. But doing the work when you feel good, that's where its sustainability happens. Yes.

But that's the hardest part. Yeah, you want to find a sustainable lifestyle. And it's a sustainable lifestyle is not from you, you know, selling that piece of real estate and getting a high off of having some cash. No, it's working eight years and then. getting an opportunity in comedy and then knocking it out of park when the time was right. But here's the thing, though, it's like, there's a strong chance that that occurrence never would have happened, and I would have never met Nikki, and I would have been still, like, kind of struggling having a podcast.

But I also have a belief that if it wasn't Nikki, it would be someone else because you were ready. Maybe. Like, you were ready to go. Maybe. Hopefully. I mean, look, you can't, like, be like, well, life was different. But I'm just saying a lot of people, like, you can't just find your happiness within your work you got to find it other places too and I didn't realize that like when I moved here to do

stand-up I was like so focused on just stand-up that I couldn't know I had a whatever I did have a girlfriend for the last five months and like that was something that I never thought I could do with doing stand-up maybe I can't but but like you know just like well-rounding your life and like getting staying friends with outside of like I don't know I'm just saying yeah I think if you put one part of your life on too much of a pedestal you're gonna and all your happiness depends on the success of that, that's also not happiness because you're just trying to, it's all result-oriented, and it's too much pressure.

And then I see now you panic attack. And you're choking. Okay, so what are we ending on? It's called The Seven Deadly Sins. Okay. Are you excited? Do you do this with everyone? Just for you.

Okay. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? My time. Do you sleep late? I don't sleep late, but I don't sleep well. I'm up every night from like 3 to 4.30 in the morning. Yeah.

And you're just like, it's clockwork, we're going to be up. Do you like, do something productive? It's because I probably sleep between my computer and my phone, a nice little computer sandwich. And the second you look at your phone, you're not going to sleep. Yeah, but you know what? At that moment, I'm not mad that I'm not sleeping, and I'm like the most calm ever. And like, I can almost like get writing. I get shit done.

But I'm like half asleep. Yeah. I don't know. It's not, whatever. But yeah, I need to sleep better. But yeah. I'm greedy with my time, though. That's good.

And I feel like, were you always greedy with your time? Or over time, you got more greedy with your time. God damn it. I don't know. I don't really, like, think of it. I can't think about, like, how. I just know that, like, that I just need to do what I want to do. And I can't put others before myself.

lot of times and I mean with time like if it's something I don't want to do I'm like this 15 minutes is bullshit but if it's something I love to do like like a comedy video or a podcast with you like I lose track of time and I'm like this is just where I want to be that's that's what it's all about I think and you and I are about to make a pretty Emmy award winning video today yeah so tune in for that I do think with time though too is like there's so much time in the day and I think when you push and you like you procrastinate like you make everything like this window yeah and if you just like hey you have a couple hours you're gonna be fine yeah I also think if you have something you have to do

and you like freak out about it like you're like oh it's gonna be really hard and you procrastinate from it and then if you just relax and like gave yourself the time to do it you're like that took me 20 minutes and I've been stressing about it for all fucking day time is also like clothes in your closet where you're like I have no outfits and then right and then you're like and you have tons of clothes and times like there's no time in the day and I'm like literally as you're complaining you could have done your shit this is me like pep talking myself for sure bad at that um who were you envious of hmm smart people like there's certain like I was just thinking about this because I'm having this guy Josh gondleman he's a comic he's gonna be on my podcast on on Friday puddles and you're like he's he's the first

smart person you've had on the podcast and you're nervous pretty much yeah no but no but he's a writer he was a writer for john oliver cool he's a writer now and producer for desis amaro on showtime and he's just if you read his tweets whatever he just has a brain that i don't think i can like there's certain things that i think i can do better than him but like yeah i'm just envious of people that are just smarter because i want to be smarter but also like i don't know also yeah so him and i don't know i think i'm envious of people that don't fucking overthink that are also dumb like you could be envious i know i was about to say ignorance is bliss i know like i was battle tennis because i'd overthink it so much and what i would

do to be someone that like doesn't take a loss poorly to just be like well the bigger goal when you bomb are you pissed for a while there's been some bombs that hurt the other day i had an audition at the comedy seller which is like number one club and I thought the set went well and I didn't get past and it was like it was tough but you know it lasted a day and I was fucking really upset

but you know I don't know yeah you just learned to deal with it but yeah God I'm envious of someone that could take a loss and just be like well at least I still got family you know everything else you know it's you know football's just part of life Jesus Christ

is number one and it's like what how is that your head like how is that your brain it's incredible i still remember matches i lost when i'm 11 like i'm not over it yeah i remember losing wrestling to this kid ross who like i would cry every time and i couldn't beat them fuck you i'm knowing why they call you puddles now for real yeah because of my mouth i just said for reals i know what do you gluttonous what are you gluttonous about um pets of you Thai food oh i love pets of you oh my god i got introduced to it like three years ago I get it with beef really yeah you get chicken I get with beef I love watching it made I love the whole thing I get beef pads to you and then chicken pad tie

because I want a carb load well here's the thing I would say 95% of people listening this pod okay I don't know who your listeners are but there's more pad tie heads out there are my pat tie head and every pat tie head I think one day someone goes hey have you ever had pets of you and they're like what do you know and then you eat the pads of you and you go I can't believe I fucking ate pad tie this whole time yeah so if you're out of you're out of you I alternate. I alternate, but I'm a pat-se-U. I sometimes alternate too, but yes. I stand a padsy-you. Yeah, so that's something bad. And I think it really caused my cholesterol to go up a lot because I ate it like 50 out of 60 days. Yeah, those are things you

should definitely start worrying about. But don't worry too much that you drive yourself to the yard while you're eating your pets, you. Choking on it. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? Do you get angry? I don't get angry that much. I was angry this morning. about what because the six train didn't stop I was like motherfucker fucking fuck like one of those but like really angry the other day I got angry at this guy who was cutting me in line on the plane like when you're getting off the plane oh I fucking hate that I don't know if we talked about this on my podcast but like he uh he cut me and I'm just like I knew I you can tell when

it's like he thinks his time is more valuable than yours and he's not aware and he's not looking at you in the eyes. You know when they have to get a connection because someone will go, hey man, I don't mean to cut, but I have a connection. Or you could tell when it's anxiety, but you could also tell when it's just pompous arrogance.

And so we're on the plane. Like he hasn't been punched in the face before. And so I was behind him and I was just fucking cursing him out and under my breath. But I had my headphones in. So he heard everything. And he turned around

and I just pretended I was listening to rap. And so I swear to God, I started like rap. I was like, Fuck you, 27F. Don't fucking bitch. Mother fucking turn around. Like, like, literally, like, just made up a rap.

You're a crazy man. Yeah. I just made up a rap. I was like, look, fucking stupid fucking crotch with your balding pony tail. Hey, I'm a producer for a label. Have you ever thought of rapping? Yeah, you want to walk my dog? Yeah.

I could cut fish, too. Four fingers? Is that DJ Puddles? Is that DJ Puddles up there? I could tell by the. That's just your chorus of every single song. It's, you pull your back. When was the last time you were a sloth?

A sloth, a lazy piece of shit. I mean, all the time. I don't know. I mean, it's changed. But, like, every time I work out and I get to like a three pack, like where my abs, like you can almost see a four pack is when I get my laziest because I get satisfied with who I am as a person. That's a nice feeling for a second. For literally a week. Yeah.

And then I go, oh, hey, what's that? What's that bread? What's that pets of you? What's that? I don't want to sweat. That's you. It just melts in your fucking mouth. It really does.

So, like, yeah, that's when I become my laziness. When I get to the peak of where I think I wanted to be. Yeah. That's when you become so fucking lazy. And then two weeks later. Have you learned anything? Nicky's like an insane workaholic. She was talking about that on the podcast.

Have you learned anything from her work ethics? For sure. For sure. Don't do it. No. No, for sure. Like, the reason why I started my own podcast, the reason why I write more, so many things. and how I handled a business asking for things,

like thinking in different ways, like thinking, you know, not just about, like, what, joking my, I don't know, just thinking the bigger picture. Yeah, she's great. When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? Like, do you have a pretty big ego? You seem like not a very egotistical dude.

I'm not, but I am competitive. Like, for example, you're as Nikki's, like, sex slave dog walker, do you ever feel, like, emasculated with her? Mm-hmm. How do you deal with that? I cry into a pillow, wait at night while eating pets. Are you when trope? It's from 3 to 4.30.

No, what I do is like, yeah, for 3 to 4. Look, it's the only time I could cry. Okay, time I don't cry. No, no, no. I don't feel emasculated because I just feel like there's times where I don't speak up or defend myself. But that's not my ego. I mean, my ego would have probably been fired seven months ago because I overstepped. So I get checked a lot

And you get checked a lot Doing stando Yeah But you also need a weird ego To think that people Want to listen to you Yeah That was my first thing

When I was going to comedy I'm like Do you really just want to hear me talk For an hour One day An hour I don't even want to hear My own thoughts

For two seconds I think ego too A lot When I didn't want to ask For help When I was in all that debt Yeah I was like I don't need help

I don't need anybody I'll figure this out And it's like No you're not You need help help it's okay to ask for help there's nothing stronger than asking for help i think and also i feel like helping someone is a beautiful part of life so it's a nice circle yeah i'll just help each other when was the last time you lusted over someone like do you have a celebrity crush

no you know what it is i don't think there's that many celebrities anymore like there's no like movie stars or maybe the older you get the less you pay attention to movie stars Like, the young, like, it's usually young starlets. Growing up, who do you think was hot? Penelope Cruz was fucking fire. Natalie Portman was obviously every guy. She's like, yeah, she's so hot and she doesn't need makeup. Like, all that bullshit.

She's like marriage material. Yeah, she's, oh, I'd like to introduce her to Grandma Shirley, who saw me choking. I think, yeah, like people like that, people that seem like, I just, I was never attracted to the loud. girl that was like miss clubby fake tits like i was more like who could just be in the back of a bar you know but um i'm trying to think who else like nowadays i feel like it's more instagram models than anything that like brutal yeah so you follow instagram thoughts not really i follow like emily radikowski and then not really if you look through my thing i don't i think women follow more sometimes i think women follow more like instagram models females i'll follow more like

like fashion bloggers and stuff why do you follow that though doesn't it give you kind of insecurity to look at i look at it purely on a research style perspective got you i like if girls like have a good style and then i'll like look at their outfit and be like oh i want to do that outfit nice that's like my i sometimes do that i'm like god i want that guy's style and then i'll put it on i'll be like i think he was six three and skinny because and also why did i buy the same size as him i like your outfit today it's good i finally i think i'm worked i've really like figured out some something that worked for me. It's like in 90s, like you could be like about to paint a house or like a big business

meeting, like either or. That's what I'm going for. Lay back, but clean. Yeah, you're starting this new thing where you shower. I like that. That's good. Wash everything. That's good.

So I like to wrap every podcast up with one final question. How would you give advice to people about coping with their hell? Like how do you cope with your hell? I think if you want to start off from a base, drink less, drink more water. I don't do enough water. Use moisturizer. But I know all these things are like, you know, get enough sleep. But like, don't be so hard on yourself at the end of the day.

Like, don't and don't overthink what someone else is thinking about, you. I love that one. Those two things are like the main things. It's important, though, like we get so up in our head. else's energy affect your energy because you can't change them don't energy murderers keep it away I also think that we forget serenity it's a beautiful word I know you just you just got impressed that you thought of a big word and you wanted to say it it was one of the words I couldn't spell from the very beginning you would have gave it to your brother serenity uh T H we do all these callbacks

but it's been so long ago people are like what I forget but I feel like we forget the basic human needs which is like food, water, and sleep. And sometimes you just have to get back to that. And when you meditate, if you ever meditate, like go back to just be like, I'm breathing, I'm feeling good, I'm not choking, and I'm alive. Yeah, and also like, if you're freaking out, be like, have I had water?

Have I eaten? And start there? And then if the answer is yes, very well, maybe you're dying. Yeah, you're probably dying. But you probably, like, just, like, really, like, just be able to just breathe, man. just breathe bro you know just get tag and breathe don't do that voice ever again

Andrew Colin what are you where can people find you give me all the goodness of what you have going on so people can follow you well if you listen to this whole thing now you know everything about me and so there's really no reason to listen to me ever again but if you want to listen to the puddles in my mouth go to my podcast or podcast come on we're having fun called puddles with Andrew Colin Yeah, we had an episode. It's very good. You were on it.

You were so great. I really do like you and your parents, because your parents apparently like me. Yeah, your episode was awesome. It's one of my favorites. Oh, thank you. And then my Instagram is Andrew T. Collins. I'm pretty funny on there. I try to be.

And then I'm going to be on the road. My website is down. It's on their construction, which I've been saying for way too long. But if you go to Nikki Glazer.com, she gets so much promotion on every website, every podcast, but if you go to Nikki Glazer.com, I'm opening all her shows and we're doing like three more dates. When's this come out? Probably in two weeks, or in a week. So like next?

Yeah, next Wednesday. Oh, so yeah, I'll be in Vermont Comedy Club. That's fun. Yeah. And then I'll be in, I don't know, somewhere else. But yeah, go to Nikki Glazer.com. I open all those shows and just be friends with me, you know, and I'm single now. You're so mad.

Okay, guys, we'll talk to you later in hell. Bye. Say go. Say go now. Yeah. Whatever team Fia is on, has a chance to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here, and I've got the inside scoop on everything.

from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHart Women's Sports Production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.