Berner Phone - Ashley Gavin: Lesbian Comedian Destroys Men & Horse Girls

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

Comedian Ashley Gavin has blown up on TikTok and is enjoying touring the country... while being single. Her life has changed a lot during the pandemic and we discuss her happiness levels. We also talk about straight vs lesbian sex and she blew my mind. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Burning Heaven What's up, guys? I'm Hannah Burner, and we're with hysterical... Oh, we're live? Yeah, we're live. Okay, great. I just decide.

We're with hysterical lesbian comedian who destroys straight men, horse girls, and hecklers. And that's all I do. I'm only a lesbian comedian and those are the only three topics that I do Otherwise I'm not a person By the way this is my very great friend Ashley Who I've known for years

Who like helped me get into stand-up comedy Like literally explained to me what a joke is once At a coffee shop and I was like wow This girl's amazing I'm indebted to her for life I checked your TikTok though And I'm like what's you talking about lately And I was like noted Destroying horse girls and straight men

I'm into it Yeah I mean it works on TikTok very well to have like you know a thing that you do um but yeah come come to a show i talk about other things are are you saying that you are more nuanced than just the lesbian comics who destroys people i i would say that yes well but if it's the if it's just that i'd be into it yeah if you're one of hannah's listeners and you're just tired of men which i imagine they all are yes you can go to my ticot and watch me just just absolutely rip them a second asshole i feel like our listeners are way more similar than different. Yeah, I agree. I agree. I think my listeners... I think people are more similar than different.

Wow. Can you imagine? Look at us just solving the world's problems. One podcast at a time. I was laughing because the first thing we talked about when I interviewed you two years ago was discussing pubic hair regimens, which is literally the first thing I said as soon as I sat down. The first thing you said, quarantining with your girlfriend, which we're not quarantining or girlfriending, which we're excited about. changing careers from an engineer to comedian and the perks of rock bottom but your life has changed a lot in these last two years. The past two years have been super transformative. I mean, a lot of it thanks to like you and a lot of the other people who help me with podcasting, a lot of it, the Chinese government, TikTok, thank you so much. Thank you Chinese government for all you've done. But I would argue have you really changed that much or have you just kind of found

platforms that enable people to see you more. You know, because before I was just like, I'm a stand-up comic and I was trying to get really good at stand-up comedy and like, I was and no one cared. Like, no one cares until you have the platform and it needs that much work. I know this is like so boring to everybody at home, but like you need to work on your social media presence as much as your comedy. Unfortunately, that is what you have to do. And when the pandemic happened, I had nothing to do.

So I was like, okay, well, I might as well treat TikTok and Instagram and my podcast as formally as I treat my stand-up comedy. And that's really all it needed. I remember sitting with you at coffee and you basically being like, I don't know what else I need to do because you're like, I feel so good about my stand-up, but nothing is catching. Like, you're like, I have no momentum in my career. Yeah. And I remember just thinking like, well, when's it going to happen? I hope it happens. because she sounds like she's going to kill herself.

It's getting pretty dark and I'm a little worried. I was losing it. I don't know if I was in the darkest place when we kind of became friends. But shortly before, I would say six months before that, I was in like a very dark place. And I was like, I have to change everything. Well, you had a girlfriend at the time. But also, do you feel like being single allowed you to kind of immerse yourself in the work more? Yeah, a little bit, a little bit.

Although I did, that relationship was so healthy. That was like another big life change. as I got into a healthy relationship. You got some confidence, I feel like. Right now? Like from the relationship to now. Yeah, I think so. I think so.

You have like swag coming off you right now. Really? Yeah. Wow, I thought I looked like shit. This is a dirty shirt. I went through my laundry. No, you look like shit, but the energy coming off you is really swag. No, I can actually smell you.

You smell like shit. Is that horse manure? You really are doing that, that horse girl, that horse girl stuff. I feel like you went from like, lesbian comic no one knows to lesbian comic on the road that everyone wants to fuck no comment

are you being coy now yeah it's it's I don't usually do anything though usually I don't I get inquiries and then I kindly I kindly say thank you for your inquiry I am not

I try not to do it I have a lot of male comics who are you know I've we've met a lot of below average male comics You talk about on the road, like, oh, tons of girls they hook up with not Ian Laura or any guys on my pod. They're great. Was Ian Laura just on? Ian Laura had some amazing hookup stories, but he's actually a hilarious comic.

He's great. And so to hear of lesbian's perspective of what the road is like, because I know from a straight girl, the road is different from a straight man. Oh, for sure. For sure. I think it's that women are more inclined to sleep with someone because, they're funny than men are. I think to men, it's like challenging to have a woman who is confident and funny. Yeah. And sort of like the alpha in the room, like, commanding the room, you know? Yeah, you can control the energy of the room with your jokes and that's like intimidating for a guy.

Yes, very, very. That you could like change the mood. But for a guy, you know, like Dez, like that's not intimidating and that's great. And that's like such a green flag, I think, in a man, even as a friend. Like the guys that I'm friends with, I don't think they have a problem with funny women. No, and that's super important because I'll hang out with guys and the whole time. They're just talking about how I make jokes and how I'm funny in a way that like they can't get it out of their head. We're like, I feel like girls don't do that when they're like, no, with a male comic. No, they're like, Esso, what's a joke? It's crazy you do jokes.

They're not like that. They're just like, okay, that's hot. Fuck me. Yeah, they're like, tee-he. Yeah, it's nice. I will say it's very flattering to, I got on stage in Denver. this is wild i hope no one thinks of this is arrogant this is really just like no i'm forcing her to give me stories okay she's the most humble bitch in the world that's so funny i think i have like an arrogant

persona yeah but you are off stage i'm like very much like i'm like not that you're humble you're more like practical i feel like yeah yeah like you're very factual with stuff yeah i'm definitely like you're definitely not boasting or like making like big stories of how great you are and if i am it's like a bit like i'm doing a bit no you're like i got a hundred left you know you're like i got a hundred left you know per minute. And that's just what I got. So Hannah's right. I have a spreadsheet that I keep track of all my joke data. I'm like, did you kill it? And she's like, I'll tell you exactly how I did. Let me grab my calculator on my spreadsheet. I might get my data. Um, yeah, this weekend I walked on stage in Denver.

I did the Denver comedy works. Have you done it? I just did a couple weeks ago. Best club in the world. Best club in the world. Unreal. Did you stay in the condo? Yes. Oh my God. I walked in that condo and I was like, if I don't fucking hear, I'm going to kill myself. It's going to ruin my life. Trigger warning, I say kill myself all the time. You know what? I like that because at least put a warning. Yeah, people sometimes get upset about it. Yeah. I used to want to die if that makes it you feel better. Yeah, yeah. I'm recovered now so I can make the jokes. It's from personal experience. Yeah. The condo, I actually arrived at 8 a.m. and to do one, to do two shows on a Sunday night. oh jared freed was still in the condo that's so funny it's so like because i had got there earlier

and they did you guys know no but they couldn't get me into the condo they're great they didn't fuck up they're wonderful they're perfect it wasn't their fault it's they added an earlier show for me so i had to fly in earlier but they didn't factor that in and right i guess we didn't communicate it yeah so i'm exhausted after waking up at 3 a.m in austin to get there and i feel like a road and no but they can't even they can't even find the key because Because Jared has it. Right, right, right. So I'm staying there for like an hour.

Finally, we realized that he's there. We basically break in and I just go in the other bedroom and fall asleep. He doesn't even know him there. Yeah, yeah. And my friend's like, why don't you just text him? And I'm like, because that would be too easy. I wanted to be chaotic. woke up to him, like, yelling in his podcast.

And then it was like, by the way, I'm here. And it was hilarious. But yes, it's beautiful. It's gorgeous. Did you? No. No. I'm like such a, I'm like such an old lady these days.

I'm very picky since the healthy relationship. But I got on stage at the show, at one of the shows, I came on stage and this girl started weeping as soon as I got on stage. I have it on film. I'm going to put it on my YouTube stuff like that. That's exactly what I said. And then I was like, one less lonely girl. And I brought her on stage and I kissed her.

No, that's not what happened. That would be amazing though. I was like, why are you crying? And she was like, oh, I just, she said this is, her friend, she was weeping. She couldn't even speak. Her friend goes, she just found out she's gay. And I was like, at the doctor. Like, why did you phrase it like that?

But she was going through her coming out process And she was just so emotional And I think being surrounded by all these queer people And then like having this person that embodies I think I'm not taking credit for this But I think why queer women are so drawn to my work Is because I am so out Yes.

And I'm not apologetic about it at all. I don't care if people think my set is too gay. I don't care. If it's funny, it's funny. Like straight people love it. Like who gives a shit what I'm talking about? So I think that that people are like, oh, my God, I can live that way. Well, it's refreshing to see someone who is comfortable in their skin.

Yeah. And you have other anxieties that we love about you and things that you worry about. But I feel like in terms of your sexuality and knowing what you love to do, it's really like fun to be around. I was going to say math and jokes, but yes, women do. But I also, I'm trying to be cool right now. But like, I'm the same as you. I was never good at like the hookup thing. I'm very like sensitive to.

Yes. And I do believe, like, when you have too many of other people's energies, like, all over you, it's a lot. Well, I've also gotten scared because so much has changed in the past two years. Like, it used to be kind of funny that girls wanted to hook up with me after shows. But now I've, like, definitely gotten into situations where I'm like, oh, you make me feel not emotionally safe. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, also, they have an idea of who you are. Yeah. Yeah. And TikTok, how would you describe your audience that you've cultivated? um it's a lot of them are young you know a lot of them are like 20 to 25 and they're newly out and they've never seen stand up comedy in their entire life oh wow they don't listen to podcasts yeah so this is like their first experience with comedy it's the first time they've wanted to go see stand-up comedy so it's it's actually a challenging audience in a way because they're so broken from the pandemic you know because they're they forget how to act yeah yeah so the lights

will go down at a show and maybe one person starts to clap and the rest are like, why are you doing that? And it's like, please do that. Please do all the things that you're supposed to do in public. It's true. Every now and then when someone's like heckler be weird, I'd be like, look, we haven't been outside a lot. You do you. Let's all just enjoy just being around other people. Right, right. But I want to ask you from the dark place that you were to where you are now, what would you tell that, Ashley? oh my gosh i love that laughed it was the first thing you did well i know that that actually would be like you're not as far long as i want you to like good work i'm glad you finally got something

going but like you could be doing better yeah but i think i would oh man i think i would just say everything's worth it like it you're so sad but everything don't don't kill yourself like everything's going to be worth it. You're a good example of that full circle where like you were an engineer. It wasn't making you happy you changed. And I really honestly feel that all those things that you didn't end up committing to yourself fully all enhanced you popping off with the marketing and the social media. Like if you weren't so smart, you would not have been able to cultivate this audience the way you did. It's more helpful now than it ever has been. Wow. A lot of times people are like a lot of times people are like, oh, I'm sure that was very helpful at the beginning when you had to do

a lot of things yourself. It's like, no, now it's way more helpful because we're talking about a million people. Like, I need to write code and think about these things on a scale because it's so many people. I can't, like, do the little things anymore. I have to have, like, a robot do it for me. So I used to, I used to be a software engineer for people. It's so fucking boring. Everyone just clicked off. You watch it a, the numbers are like, math. Math? I thought this was a girls podcast. No, more women should be in math. Yeah, women in STEM. Not us, but other

people. I quit, but you should be. Wait, what's your beef with horse girls though? Oh, like, what did they ever do to you? I did go on a date. I went on a couple dates with one. And I very jokingly said to her, I was like, you know, come on, horse girls are, look, horse girls, no. Horse girls are the first people to tell you, like, ah, you know, it's a little funny. Yes. They are a little funny. It's like, Crazy cat ladies, but like horsegirls. Yes, yes. And we're crazy cat ladies. Yes, we are. But I

was on a date with this. I went on a couple days with this girl. And I went back to her apartment and I was like, so you're going to get the riding crop? We like, do that. And she was like, that's not funny. And I was like, it's actually hysterical. So now I'm going

to write a five minute joke about it. Well, I was going to ask you, now that you're single, how has that affected your material? Because I have to work on I've always been single. And now I'm fucking married. So I'm working, that's something I have to figure out within me. I'm writing a lot from the place about why I'm single.

Like, I'm getting very vulnerable about my mental health and, like, dating the wrong types of people and, like, how I was bringing bad things to relationships and, like, fixing my brain and, you know, my relationship with my mom. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. So it's like, I'm writing a lot about that. And it's funny because now I'm getting.

weird DMs from women because like this single Ashley like I look like a fuck boy I know how I look if you're watching this on YouTube this on YouTube right yeah you look like a frat star yeah but I'm not I'm like very much want to be baby you know what I mean I want I want someone to be daddy not to be not to be daddy mommy maybe a little mommy just a little because I do that for people and I want someone to meet me where I'm at I don't want to bedroom not really talking about right now you're like what is lesbian sex and then the baby does I think like I have always been like the more like assertive organized person but then in the relationship you like to not have to be in charge of everything

I want someone who's done as yeah as much emotional work who can meet me where I am that's what I want I think I'm similar. Yeah. Like I'm not a caretaker for the relationship. I always have been. Yeah. So I'm looking for someone who can be my equal in that. Yes.

And so why am I talking about this? I love it. You were talking about how you're discovering more about who you are in a relationship and how you want to be baby. Yeah. So I'm writing a lot about being baby. Is that a lesbian thing? Or is this a you thing? I think it's a me thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but now I get these DMs from women. being like, I will cuddle you and we don't have to do anything else. Like, because that's like from one of my jokes. Yeah. Where I'm like, oh, I want the app where we match. We don't hook up.

We just scratch each other's heads. Like, which app is that, you know? Like, what's that? I don't want Tinder. I want tickler, you know? The scissor app, SZR. I recently was talking to someone about, like, one of my lesbian friends about why there is no lesbian app.

And they said... There's one called her and it doesn't work. Why do you think it doesn't work? More women in STEM. We can't code. Sorry. sorry lesbians i know you're writing code i know you know the lesbians are you keep doing you but i think it's because the girls the men are so like chase stereotypically chase the woman message the woman

where with girls it's like you message me yeah that's exactly what it is that that happens all the time we call it useless lesbians we just stare at each other from across the room for like 45 minutes and no one makes it move that's your foreplay that's our foreplay just staring just intense climaxing is just not getting each other's number yeah exactly but the thing is i think if you have queer and buy listeners and you definitely do yeah um that's why it can be so much easier to just kind of default to dating men because it's just so much first of all there's way more heterosexual spaces and second of all you just stand there and men approach you you're so right and with us it's a much you have to make an effort you have to push yourself outside of this comfort zone

that you've been socialized you have to listen yeah exactly you have to listen to people you have to come up with questions i also think that if someone does mesh to someone on a lesbian app within three days they start dating and they're off the apps. Like, that's not sustainable for a long term app. I know. I'm on the apps and it is not going well. It's interesting. I have my water if that's okay.

Oh, yeah. I do think that I do girls, Gen Z's, you made that for yourself. I did. Gen Zs, I find more girls are very open to like instead of being like, I'm straight, they're kind of like, I don't know what I am. And then they decide later on if they're straight or gay, which is something that we in our generation never experienced. They're just way more younger people who identify

as buy and pan and queer than ever before. And I don't know if this is New York City because this is like the people I'm around? No, they did a Gallup poll. 20% of Gen Z identifies as queer in some way. Wow. And you can guarantee that there are some people who are choosing not to say yes on that question. I just know I have some friends

whose daughters are teens and they're like oh they've all hooked up with girls and like part of me is a little jealous in that like I'm married now and that was never like I mean I guess girls were like making out with girls a parties but in a very like male gayist performative thing where I just feel like really proud of these girls coming up who just have that freedom me too it's also great for me just on a dating level um that everyone is by now the pandemic the pandemic did wonders for that there's no straight women left well lesbian ticot is I've been on lesbian people love lesbian

If you haven't been on lesbian TikTok, what are you doing? Where it's, I feel like where lesbians have found a place to express themselves so freely that I haven't been able to see. And then I feel like I'm like a, like, fly on the wall. Yeah, like a creepy voyeur. And I'm like, what are they, what are they doing? What's, what are the, what's going on? Yeah. Just a lot of licking.

A lot of licking. But do you enjoy lesbian TikTok? I don't scroll for my mental health. Like I don't. Ooh. explain like i'm i have a super addictive personality so i don't like i don't drink i don't smoke and i don't scroll on ticot so what do you do instead instead of scrolling yeah i just post ticot's and i walk away i feel like i'm i have an addictive personality i don't drink i don't smoke i do scroll though

and i'm something i'm struggling with i realize it's because like i just love doing things that numb my brain yeah of course who doesn't and i never liked alcohol or drugs because that would scare me what my brain would do yeah so like but like the scrolling watching tv napping i was like wait why do i love this stuff so much i actually had like an epiphany today and i'm like oh you need to start getting used to your brain just like functioning and like not being scared of your brain yeah yeah yeah and i've had this mental health podcast for three years and i'm suddenly like oh you're still fucking scared of your thought yeah yeah meditating is important for that you've been a big meditating yeah yeah what's your process well i started a long time ago um i i meditate for 20

minutes every day, but when I started, I started with one minute. And then I just tried to do it every day. In the morning? Typically in the morning. If I have a super busy day, I'll do it at the end of the day. And I'll even do like a short one if it's like a crazy day. But yeah. And there are a lot of apps. I really like 10% happier. Not a lot of people know that one. It's like I think a more headspace. There's just only one teacher and like one approach. And 10% happier you have some teachers who are like very cynical. Like, if you are a cynical person, they have teachers that are very much like, yeah, like you, this sounds so stupid. They're like, I totally understand how dumb this sounds, but it's actually good for you. Yeah, because there was that whole trend of like spiritual warriors and like,

we're so fucking cool. And some people don't align with that. What is a spiritual warrior? I have not heard this. It's kind of just like these women who love being spiritual and they just like love it so much. and spiritual gangsters. That's what they called themselves. I don't like the straight side of the internet. No. Stay off of it. Actually, speaking of the straight side of the internet,

straight girls always deal with like the whole daddy issues thing, daddy issues. Do you think lesbians, do you joke about mommy issues? We do. Yeah. Ooh, I've never heard this before. Please explain. Well, I think it's just like the same thing. You're just like trying to look for some sort of diagnosis as to why you are the way you are.

And so we like latch on to like the, those identifiers. But I do think that queer people generally just have problems with their parents. You know what I mean? Like when you come out, you like, you really challenge your family. So you'd be, I mean, some people have accepting parents. But for the most part, like, especially the millennials and up, like, you probably had some pretty significant.

Trauma. Yeah. Yeah. And that's why I guess I'm excited for the Gen Zs who, like, they probably do deal with parent drama as well. But at least they're normalizing it for that next generation. Yeah. Yeah.

Which I'm obsessed with. Because, yeah, with straight girls, they're always like, daddy issues. That's why you go for these kind of guys. But, I mean, you could have daddy issues as a lesbian and makes you go for certain girls, for sure. And straight people have mommy issues. And men have mommy issues, too, which I think is, like, a funny thing. For sure. You know, when you're watching The Bachelor and, like, they're always, like, the girls are always like, I'm just looking for someone like, like, my dad.

And the guys are like, I'm just looking for someone like, I want to hear. a bachelor, come onto the show and be like, I am looking for someone like my dad. That's all I want to hear because it sounds gay in this weird way to be like, I want a woman who is like my father. I just want to hear that. My best friend in school

was this lesbian who I loved and she had a 6-4 brother and I basically was like, he's you, but like if you were a guy and 6-4 and I love it. But it shows like just how people so

are so intertwined. I think I've dated a lot of guys who I've met their mom and been like, oh, that's why you like me. So you've been doing, how have you been doing work with your mommy issues? What would you recommend for people to do if they might have some? I mean, I'm in therapy for fucking ever. Oh yeah, you've been in therapy since like four years old? Yeah. Yeah. At least she was like, we know what we're getting into. That is the one thing that I, like, my mom did a good job. She was, I don't even think she really understood that it was her fault. but I think what do you think she put you in therapy for well she straight up told me she was like we put you in therapy because you were angry I was four years old like I what like I came out of

the womb and I was like fucking sucks in there you're like what the fuck is this tickle me Elmo what the fuck is I was like I was like I was like I was like okay all right like you got a like this is so so maybe the reason why you went to therapy wasn't right but the overall yes she was trying to help she didn't understand that it was her fucking fault but she was trying to help is she proud of you oh yeah yeah i have a lot of problems with my mom but one thing she's very supportive of my career and she is really proud she's proud no matter what though that's the other thing that's funny about a parent you're like yeah well you were proud of me when nothing was going well you were proud of me when I was something total you were proud when I was when I sneezed yeah exactly so you know that it's good

and bad but I also think you there is a point where like mom and daughter you start to really see them as a human and you start to be like would I be friends with this person no how do you really feel about that my problem is my mom and I are like stupid best friends like it's annoying where like whenever I if I ever hear this on a date I always go

like my I like do that cat thing where like my hair if I say I'm best friends with my mom yeah because I'm like what is like jealousy or red flag

red flag yeah not not actually because now that I've been in enough therapy and I've met like my ex-girlfriend had such a great

relationship with her mother and I met her family and I was like oh I didn't know that this could be how it's constructed. Yeah, my mom and I, we can get a little dependent on each other. We're like, if I don't, if she doesn't hear it for me from two days, she thinks I died. Yeah. Because like, some days I'll call her like six times just because I can just because I love talking to her. That's so nice. It's nice, but also I need, I also like love her opinions on everything where like I need to eventually do my own thing. But I do think that I married someone who is similar to like everyone in my family. Like he has sides of my brother. My. My. I mean. He has sides of my brother. My. My. dad, my mom. It's very weird. But ultimately, you want to find someone who feels like home. The question is like what, what? In a good way or a bad way? Exactly. What part of the home?

Right. And what time of the home? Right. Kind of thing. But what are you looking for in a partner? Now on The Bachelorette. I would like, I actually, to the straights. I would like to nominate myself as first lesbian bachelorette. I think I'd be a really good one. You'd be amazing. I think it'd be great for girls who are experimenting. And what am I looking for? I want someone who has kind of two things. Done therapy, emotional work, in touch with their... Chakras.

Yeah, their chakras. That's what I was going to say. Aligned chakras, for sure. Euras, for sure. Yeah, yes, good energy. Good energy reading. Something with sage. Yeah.

Maybe some crystals. No, I mean actual. have been to therapy and have some self-awareness. Yes. That's very important because I don't think I could date someone who can't have those conversations. And I'm super annoying too. If someone in a relationship, I will definitely be like, have you talked about that in therapy? Are you noticing a pattern? Because I'm noticing a pattern. And people hate that. I will say it is my most toxic trait. But I love it because it's straight up. Like at least you're not passive aggressive. No, I'm not. I'm aggressive. I'm aggressive. I'm aggressive, aggressive. Capital A aggressive. Active aggressive is what I am. You start a note.

You're like, I'm going to write that down your notes. You could say that to Dr. Cindy next week. I will say if you start taking notes in a relationship, it's over. I've been there. I've been taking notes in a relationship. You're done. Oh my God.

I love that. The notebook, the notepad comes out. The second the notepads goes out, the second you start Googling, is it toxic if? Yes. The second you are Googling. Am I with a narcissist? The second you start gulgling, is it normal that I cry all the time? Dude, that is, those are the scary spots in life.

Is it time to break up? Yes, it should just say yes. Signs you're not with the right person. That's when you know. Dude, whenever you start asking your friends, is it weird that, do you ever feel you're just like, you know? The first week I was like dating this room, not even. Like, I was a couple weeks in, you know, and I was like, I was asking my

friends. I was like, how often do you guys have sex? And they gave me an answer and I was like, there's a problem. There's a problem in this relationship. And I knew it like four weeks in. I dated that person for like three years. And not to get into that one, but yeah, someone who can meet me where I am emotionally, but also I really want someone who's very driven by their career. because if you're dating me and your career is not as important to you as mine as to me, it's going to create a dynamic that might not be so healthy. Yeah. I was scared that if I'm, like, super busy and that I'm with someone else who's super busy

and driven in their career, then it could cause tension. But I realize, like, it doesn't. You figure it out, especially I'd rather be that than someone who doesn't have a passion for something who's just kind of waiting around for me. That is when drama happens. You create codependency or weird power dynamics. And I love creative people. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't drawn to creative people. But that's like a bonus. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's interesting you brought up the how many times you have sex because someone, it's on TikTok where I learn most of my stuff. People, which is accurate. It's all, it's like, don't talk to it

here. It's very legit. Just see what the algorithm brings up for you. And then just take that diagnosis from the internet and apply it to yourself. Yep. Just whatever swipe up pills they're telling you to do. Yeah, do that. Do it. We get sued.

Sponsored by, yeah, we immediately get sued. The amount of ADD medications these people have tried to offer me. I'm like at this point. I get a diagnosis in my inbox on Instagram every week. On Instagram or TikTok. Instagram, because like I'll be doing my podcast

and someone I'll say like something and someone will be like, you're celiac. I'm like, I'm not fucking celiac. Someone told me to endometiosis the other day, because I bloat, my friend page. Ooh, I bloat quite a bit. She said I abnormally bloat. I abnormally bloat.

I know this. And I was like, maybe... I'm a balloon. Yes. Yeah. Do you think we have a problem? Yeah, but I don't know what it is. Should we take an ADD pill?

Do I think we have a problem? Look at where we are right now. I know we have a problem. We have a lot of problems. We do. So with the sex thing, a very wise, probably 14-year-old on TikTok said, I heard she was complaining that like if you don't have sex with them all the time anymore it's not right and then someone said actually that's kind of false yeah basically like you you get this like high because it's like a dopamine drug in the beginning and that if you continue that like high of anxiety that's why like some toxic relationships you think are so good because you have that drug of like will I get it will I not will I get it will I not and they're like if this sex stays like that you're probably like anxious and it's not healthy where like if it slows down a little it means like oh you're just you have like a

comfort yes with them but if you're not having sex at all that's an issue but i think that's important that like you're not supposed to be fucking like rabbits forever yes and just so i know that that's usually what people think when i bring this up just to say that was not what we were experiencing we were experiencing something different uh we weren't she she frankly she was in the closet Yeah. And there was like almost no like new energy, like new relationship energy, like sexual. There was a lot of, there was a lot of repression. It sounds like she was battling her own stuff where she couldn't be fully available for you.

And there were things between us. I don't want to speak on her behalf. But in my opinion, it was very much like the closet was was a big part of the issue. And I was like, what's going on? Like this is very strange. And so I just started talking to my friends. and I was like, this is weird. So were you, like, kept a secret?

Oh, yeah. I was in the closet with this girl for, for, like, two years. Three years, three years. But you were out. But I was out. Yeah, that is, I mean, pretending to be single. A little sexy and, like, secretive at first,

and then you're like, okay, we're lying. I think that's true, like, if you're in high school, if you're, like, a 30-year-old woman and you're, like, thrust back in the closet, you're just like, oh, this is traumatic. Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah, it was awful. Dude, and you can't, like, tell someone to come out to force them.

No, and you have no idea how. how long it's going to be, I do think there's a point where you as a gay person have every right to be like, hey, like, I can't be in this. Yeah. Like, and there's nothing wrong with that. Do you, are you afraid of being with bi-girls? No, not at all. I'm almost exclusively date bisexual girls.

Ooh, what's the psyche behind that? Some of them are femme? I think it's more common. Yeah, I'm typically more attracted to femme women. Not that there aren't femal lesbians. I've dated plenty of femme, always hooked up with femme lesbians. I think bisexuality

just like any is more common than like, to be like a straight up lesbian is like the rarest thing now. We're like this. Are you gold star? I am gold star. Wow. Wow. I'm gold star penis.

Congratulations. Don't know. It's not a good thing. It's not great. I actually, I reference you all the time so you said the funniest thing ever to me once and I don't remember where but I tell this joke all the time that I said to you actually how do you know in lesbian sex when you're done because guys explode they just come and then it's over like when do you guys finish and you go you ask and I go what's it like to have consensual sex I literally die you ask it's so funny that you would

that's funny I'm just like yeah I was like wait you've asked during sex something you've communicated your feelings during sex that's crazy but I do I have this whole new bit about how sex is not consistently as good as society makes it seem and just like normalizing like how losing your virginity's fucking weird how like sitting on a guy's face is awkward I I've gone way into it and whenever there's a lesbian in the crowd they always go not if you're a lesbian and then I always laugh with it but it's so funny the different sexual experiences you're guys have. And I've never done it, but I guess I have some jealousy because I'm like, you don't get worried about STDs. You don't get worried about pregnancies. That's just like the

overarching thing. Then pregnancy for sure. SDDs, it's, you, you don't have to be as careful, but you still have to be careful just for the. No, you're right. That was me spreading false information. But you're not entirely wrong. It is harder to spread many of the... You're the lowest of the, in some data that I don't know. But you, this is a very, this is a doctor podcast. I heard on a TikTok. I heard on TikTok. I heard on TikTok. And then you can have as many orgasms as you want. But not every girl. As many as you want, kids.

It's an all you can eat buffet, pussy. But some girls don't have as many orgasms as other girls. There's, I feel like guys. I have like such a kink for girls who can come a bunch of times because I love doing that. So like, I think my record's 11. And one time, not for me. I don't know if I can do that. I think I've done like six.

or seven. You're like, not that I'm counting, but it is 11 and a half. There's half an orgasm. You're like, I almost got it. It's awesome because I feel like guys, once you kind of know, like, yeah, maybe some guys like slightly different things, but they're pretty simple in bed, I feel like. Where girls, it's so nuanced. Yeah. And that's why I appreciate every time's different. The art of being a lesbian. It is an art. It is an art form. I love your work. Thank you. Yeah, I've been doing a while. Do you

have any advice on the craft? I mean, what do you mean? Advice for real? I don't know. Do you have any advice for lesbians or I think there's probably a lot of people who've thought about it and like are intimidated by the idea of

being with a woman? Because a lot of times I'll go on dates with women and they're by or their pan or they're queer or whatever and they get worried when they're dating a lesbian because they think, like, oh, I don't have as much experience. But it's exactly what you just said.

Every body is different. Very different. So every time you go into sex with a new partner, and I think straight women probably know this, even better than queer women, you guys know you're going to have to train this man in what you want. True.

So, like, if you're scared to have queer sex, like, she knows that. Yes. She knows that. she's going to have to teach you and you're going to have to teach her or them. And, like, that is just a part of the process and, like, don't be intimidated by it. And if you are the more experienced partner, it's a very kind thing to say to someone, like, don't be nervous and it's not weird if neither one of us has an orgasm the first few times

because it's, like, difficult to learn. Like, it's to every one is, every vulva is different. Yeah, and as women. we know how hard it was for us to even understand ourselves. Exactly. So to understand another woman is a whole different new fun journey to explore. I've been writing this joke about how I didn't orgasm until I was in college until I was 18. I think that's actually I don't, I first did when I was 18 too because I, and it was we're adorable.

I took a class of Wisconsin called like sexual wellness and they literally explained scientifically like how a person orgasms then I was like oh so I guess like I can do that I thought it was some like weird thing that like guys just did like with a sock in their bedroom all the time yeah I think you're gonna say a saw they just have to be cutting lumber yeah but yeah guys it's it's in the media like people talk about it all the time where women we also don't talk about it to each other I don't my friends didn't talk about it or someone would be like do you masturbate and I'd be like no and that was like good like, oh, good, you don't mess. Of course, I don't know.

No one was talking me about this. I think because they knew I was gay. That's, like, another thing is, like, I never got to be in those conversations because I'm so, like, flagrantly gay that, like, girls didn't talk to me about these things because it felt, like, almost, like, talking to the opposite sex in that this is, like, a potential sexual partner. Did you hang out with guys or girls in, like, high school? Both.

I hung out with both. All of my high school friends are queer. Yes. Like, all of them. So you found your people, but they probably weren't all out. out yet? No, we weren't out in high school. Well, I was the gayest person on the fucking planet, but everyone knew I was gay.

I wish I could have come out, but I don't even think coming out for me. When I came out, it was very much like, yeah. When did you actually come out? You start coming out and everyone's like, yeah, we know and they just continue talking. I'm like, guys, this is like a monumental moment for me. It's like, can you pass the salts?

Yeah, we get it. You wore a strap on when you were five. Can you pass the remote, please? No one cares. You wear a strap on when you were five. Oh, my God. Also, I feel like people try to talk about, I'm talking from the stupid straight perspective. They try to talk about lesbians, like tops and bottoms, like gay guys are tops and bottoms.

But that's not. To be fair, we talk about it, like, in this way that there, yeah, exactly. It doesn't exist because not to get, like, philosophical and political, but, like, the language around tops and bottoms and sexual dominance is rooted in the patriarchy. Yes. Like, the presence of a penis is top, like, by definition of what we understand, like, these masculine feminine energies to be. So when you really, with men, with gay men, it makes a little more sense because there are buttholes.

So it, like, makes it easier to talk about. but when you subtract the penis from the equation, the language just totally falls apart. Yeah. So we don't really even have language to facilitate conversations about sex that don't involve a penis, which is why it's so confusing to everybody because we literally don't even have the words.

So top and bottom usually refers to energy. Energy, but also like, I want to talk about it in terms of sports. It's like, who's calling the plays? You know what I mean? There's like a playmaker. I always just envisioned like, so stupid, like top and bottom meant like someone's lying on their back and the other one's on top, like doing stuff. But it doesn't even.

But you could be on, you could be like getting it now, being like, yeah, to the right. Yeah, go in it. And you're calling the shots. Yes, exactly. That's like top energy. Yeah, yeah. So it doesn't, it doesn't totally make sense. And it probably like goes back and forth sometimes.

Yes, of course. I would say most people, just like in straight relationships and gay male relationships, most people are very switching. and that's like the most fun that you can like be all the different things that you want to be. But what is cool is now going back to comedy comedy is such

a straight man thing. Yeah. And I remember you kind of struggling with feeling like you even mentioned it today feeling judge like oh everyone sees me as like the lesbian comics. It's like no one would see you as that if it was major if the majority of comics were like lesbians.

Yes. How has it been kind of finally really making a mark and an indent in this industry that is so dominated by straight people in general. Everyone is going to look at me like I'm the lesbian comedian because A, that is who I am, but B, I was ignored by everybody for so long. Sorry. Thank you.

My people would love that. yes yes go off yeah um that i had to go to a place like tick to use the algorithm to get to my people and it was lesbians and queer people and gay men too and non-binary people and trans folks they were the people that were like no fuck everybody you're hilarious that elevated me and lifted me up. And now everyone all of a sudden is like, oh, wow, she's really good. Oh, we should have her on our podcast. No, but you had me before. Oh, gee. I'm the real one. Yes. And that's why the internet is so awesome because even think about, like, it's the coolest. We love the internet. We love the internet. The internet is cool. Think about meme culture. People didn't know that it was women writing a lot of

memes and then next thing you know like female humor blew the fuck up where there's meme pages called female humor that's like eight million because people were just reading things being like this is hilarious not knowing that it was like a woman writing it it all goes back to teenage girls like controlling the internet like 14 year old girls like kind of decide like what's in and what's not in at the end of the day yeah but i now i couldn't give a fuck if someone decides to call me like the lesbian comedian because like I am making money so like why would I

care and also like the people are bringing this this is the little secret straight men are actually the people who respond to my humor the most because I do have a masculine energy and I think when they watch me they're like oh she is like me

yeah like she understands how I understand women and I can play into this misogynistic voice in this satirical way. I'm obviously not a misogynist, but I can play one. You can play off it. And like men are like, oh my God, she understands this part of me that I know is a little problematic, but I don't mean it that way, but also I am a little bit that way.

And I love that because let's be clear, we hate straight men on this podcast. However, I love when we can bring it together. Yeah. Like even I like my jokes better when there's an audience with. guys and girls because the tension is so much more fun and then we're all having fun yeah because if it's all girls it's like you're just in a locker room talking shit but it's like if there's a guy there it's like let's look at his reaction does he think it's awkward is he confused and he feels like oh i'm hearing things that are naughty and then i'm coming for him and the girls are laughing at that

it's so funny because the men in my crowds they're the people that laugh first like they're the people who really really get it and like my queer audience is starting to understand it they're bringing their male friends to the show they're bringing their straight friends to the show. So I trust that organically, once I break out of this internet phase of my career, there will be other people at the shows and people will stop calling me the lesbian comedian and they'll just call me a comedian. And you know, if they don't find, I still have my paycheck. I love that so much because we are bringing people together and I want to apologize. Dave, we don't hate you, but everyone else we do. But it's great that as a lesbian comic, it doesn't mean you're

just talking to lesbians. As like a straight female comic, it doesn't mean I'm just talking about straight and I really it's because you're being authentic to yourself and you're not just being like corny stereotypical you're speaking from an individual experience and if any of my listeners are listening right now and I hope that you are like Hannah's stuff is fucking hysterical like the stuff that she does talking about straight man is like so funny like there's no reason that we can't enjoy each other's perspectives and learn from them oh for sure and it it makes you more understanding of yourself when you can understand another individual going through whatever they're going through.

We're going to do a speed round of the Seven Deadly Sins because you've done it before, but your life has changed a lot. Seven Deadly Sins. What do you greedy about? Oh, man. Probably money.

Ooh. Now that not, not like, I'm scared. I have like a scarcity mentality. So I'm like kind of hoarding at the moment. I'm, you in a way. I want to know, do you, are you good at negotiating? I don't know. Why would I know that? I'm not that successful. Do you ask for more with shit? Yeah, yeah. I do. That's good. I always try to ask

for more and I try to spend as little as possible because I'm just so afraid all of this will be taken away from me that I'm trying to save up as much as I can. That's what I'm like. However, I just got married and I think it was like a, and I wanted to pay for my own wedding because I was like, I've worked hard. parents have done a lot for me and now I like I just don't like that's awesome it's also my own thing where I'm like I don't want anyone to use anything against me but like since I'm 18 I've been financially independent yeah because they've always it's like a thank you so anyway I almost feel like it's like an exposure therapy that I just spent so much bullshit money on my wedding that I'm getting one I don't feel it anymore I'm doing it in a backyard you definitely

I saw your wedding and I was also that's what I said I said I wanted a garage wedding and then you start talking to people you start getting a wedding TikTok and you know you're like We need a skull balls. I'm like an ice sculpture of myself. We need an ice sculpture. I need a two-scale ice sculpture of myself. Yeah, I was like, I need dolphins. I need a human sacrifice.

And then it'll be perfect. Where did you get the human sacrifice? I don't know. I just feel like it had that kind of vibe. Like no humans were sacrificed, but there was a vibe. It was like a tribal, like, I don't know. It was an event. You'd get it if you saw the aesthetic.

Who are you envious? of? I don't have this as much anymore. I've worked on it, but still a little bit. The comedians who are just plucked up and early in their careers and are like chosen by industry as like, oh, you're like, we're a taste maker and we see it in you because I never had that and I had to do everything myself. And so I am a little bit like, fuck off. But that's why I kind of like the chip on your shoulder like that's like when you are successful it feels like that much more fun i i also think it's bad because i'm constantly like i'm still mad and everyone's like why are you mad you're doing it sounds like your mom was right oh god okay what are you what are you gluttonous about

what do you overindulge in overindulge since you don't like to be addicted to things what do you let yourself i definitely can fucking eat dude same i i can what's your what's your what's your go to ice cream oh does is like that i i can put it away yeah easy a pint of ice what's your go to i like ben and jerry's what flavor chary garcia actually underrated underrated flavor's really good i like chunky monkey too the sweet and the tart hell yeah well speaking of anger i sorry now i just envision like four-year-old you just like punching walls like an angry white man after a football game is the thing I think I was just a standard issue, four-year-old.

Yeah, you had like one tantrum. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? Extreme. It's been a while. Oh, man. I was overworked in the fall. I was like having some weird stuff going on with my ex. And I was on a carnival cruise.

And I had been. like kind of working yeah of course what the fuck hannah no offense if you like carnival cruise but it is not for it is not for a gay woman from new york city are you kidding me don't they have gay cruises they do but not on carnival on carnival everything's a straight cruise they don't bill it that way but it is it's a trump rally so i i it's a trump rally on the water yeah uh i got i lost my temper on with my ex-girlfriend because I was overworked I was sleeping underneath the nightclub no I was awake for like four days oh no I felt really bad about it I still feel bad about it now yourself aware about it which is nice well it's last time you were lazy or a sloth just

slept in all day yesterday I took the day off hell yeah yeah are you good at giving yourself I took two meetings but I took the day off yes um no I'm not good about it yeah I hate feeling I can't feel lazy there's a voice in my brain that says why aren't you working right now yeah i don't know if you have that but i definitely have that except now i like i like love doing nothing because i feel so so like once i finish all my work i'm like oh i'm just gonna lay here for two hours being fucking crazy i hope i get to that point soon where i can do that yeah but now i realize like it's it's not that exciting and i need to stop i need to like level out a little bit like because i'll call myself lazy and it's like oh because you watch tv for three hours at night after working all

Like everybody else. Exactly. When was last time you let your ego good in the way of something? Oh, probably today. Probably on this podcast. You're like seven minutes ago next question. Literally all the time. Do you try to control your ego?

Yes. I try to have like vent sessions with my friends, my manager, just to be like, do this fucking bullshit. And then I do whatever they tell me to do. I'm like that. I'll have a core group of people that I can be my actual self. with and then put my polite face on for the last day. Exactly. Exactly. When was the last time you lusted over someone? Ooh.

I mean, all the time. All the time. Do you have a celebrity crush? Not really. Who would I say as a celebrity crush? Emma Watson. Oh, wow. I would love to go on a date with Emma Watson. If anyone can make that happen, that would be pretty cool. if you're just talking to the ether right now that's called manifestation everyone yeah I'm manifesting Emma Watson she's like mysterious

because she's not on social media she's not I don't think so she's a feminist she's very smart yes she's very like powerful she does like a lot of philanthropic social activism work

I don't know if she would describe it that way but that's how it seems to me do you think she's by just give me five minutes I can tell you. I don't, I don't mean that in, like, an obnoxious way. I mean that, like, I can talk to someone. I know what my odds are. Oh, yeah. So you, you seem so straight to me. And you hurt my feelings. Because I honestly feel like I'd be so much more. I understand why people fuck. Like, I'm supremely athletic. Like, I get the. And I have masculine energy. Right. But that doesn't

make you not straight, like straight or gay. It's like a different thing. straight or gay is like a different thing Although I was totally wrong about Ashley Heseltine Because like Ashley Heseltine I thought super straight energy And then I did her show And she started flirting with me a little bit Well Ashley's having fun at this moment in her life

Ashley is Did she actually play her with you? A little bit But I didn't know if it was like for the stage or for what? You're like are we dating? I think I have it on tape But she was like she was like you kind of look like this guy

I'm dating and then she was like she said she used to send pictures to him like this is a hotter version of you or whatever this is like the hot gay version of you so she's like loki has a crush on you I don't know if she does but I was I sensed like gay energy for the first time and I was like oh I had not picked up on this before so you you have like legit gaydar because I have good gaydar with guys where I can tell like not that every guy wants to fuck me but I could tell if they're into women kind of that's what it is yeah there's like with women I cannot tell for shit. with women I can't because also I am kind of like I like to make everyone laugh anyway so like I can't tell what's going on right but with men I can easily tell you know what I can tell if they respect women or not if they respect women they're gay and all girls respect women so that I can't tell right right okay that was a very generalization but you can tell when they're like oh I want to bend that girl over versus like I'm just enjoying this conversation oh god anyway we're so sexual we're just like aware and sexual wellness. Final question. I'm always like, what is a lesbian? No, actual final question. And I do have to say, I am the straight Labrador retriever of the lesbians in her podcast. Please come back. Which I will be coming back to. What advice would you give to the little devils on how to cope with their hell? When you're going through it, what helps you survive? there's this course called the science of well-being from Yale. Don't be spreading cults out here.

It's not a cult. It's from Yale. It's a psych class. Okay. It saved my life. Like truly. Truly saved my life. Repeat it again.

The science of well-being. I didn't do the readings. I only did the lectures. It's like half an hour a week. And that's when I started exercising, meditating, getting good sleep, practicing gratitude and kindness. I know this sounds like so fucking stupid. And it is, but it's also.

it works. When did you do it? 2019, started in 2019. Well, so one thing started to shift for you. Yeah, it changed totally changed my life. I was very depressed, suicidal ideation all the time, and now I'm the happiest I've been in my life. I, I evangelize

this thing. Because it's just like, we all talk about self-work, like it's this ambiguous joke on the internet. But the reality is our society is designed in a way, like that really fucks us up. And there are things that our brain does respond to, exercise, meditation, socializing, you know, like all these different things,

you should just do them. Even when you don't want to do them, you should just do them. So save my life. I highly recommend it. Fuck, yeah. This has been so funny, insightful, sexual. Where can people listen to you? It has been sexual.

It's been so sexual. It's been incredible. Now that everyone's wet, where can they follow you? Right now I'm banned on it, shadow band. on Instagram. I think I am too. Are you really? Yeah, I did like an I hate men shirt.

We did a men are trash tour or something and they banned me. Whatever. Continue. So if you're going to look me up, you have to put in my exact handle, which is Ash Gavs. But you can also just go to Ashley Gavin.com and literally all my stuff. Is there my tour dates? I'm going to San Francisco at the end of June. Will this be out?

Yes. San Francisco at the end of June, Raleigh at the beginning of June. Yes. Virginia over the summer, the Midwest in August. So many, Philly, literally everywhere, the whole country. Obsessed. So you have to see her live. Hell yeah.

See your live listener podcast? Oh yeah, we're having gay sex. Listen to my episode and I'll be on it again. And yeah, this is my bitch. I love you so much. Thank you for coming today. Bye. Bye.

I'm sorry. Thank you.