Berner Phone - Ashley Hesseltine: Micro Penises & Screaming

Episode Date: November 27, 2019

Ashley and Hannah bonded over buffalo wild wings before Ashley came to hell to discuss how her and Rayna don’t hate each other, how they came up with Girls Gotta Eat, her different businesses, how a psychic predicted her future, their comedy strip club idea, if she still uses dating apps, her phone addiction, why people should scream more, wild stories from Panama City, the rules of FaceTiming, the best athletes to date, what she would do if Rayna got into a serious relationship, and how her dog changed her life.This episode is sponsored by CBDforlife.us - get 40% off on Black Friday and Cyber Monday--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

No one ever believes me when I'm like, I'm not Jewish. They're like, okay, sure you're not. What are you? Just whatever, I don't know. Sam. White. Nothing exotic. Nothing exotic.

You know what, but you make up for it with your personality. Welcome to Burning Hell. I'm going to say podcast royalty. Like I don't want to make your head big, but... Listen, you didn't need to say that, but it is the second time I've heard it today. So it has to be true. When I first started podcasting, I was like, girls got to eat. They're like, they're doing their thing, and it's inspiring, it's cool.

I ran into you at a Spotify event, and I was like, oh my God, those are the girls. I'm going to eat girls. And I'm like, don't fuck it up. up for yourself Hannah and then thankfully well brain up is always like bubbly your harder to win over um so i planted a lot of seeds with you i was gardening i think also you can tell like i'm the kind person like if someone doesn't like me i'm like okay i don't give a fuck yeah and um then we got invited to buffalo buffalo wild wings then i i obviously wanted to be friends with you too because i recommended you for that but yeah it just felt so unbranded for you i did this thing with buffalo

the Wild Wings, and they were like, do you know any other influencers that like to stuff their face? That like to eat cheap wings or tenders. Oh, the tenders. We were promoting the tenders. The tenders. And I was like, I have just the girl. It was like a whole full new menu. And it was in like 42nd Street, which most of the time we avoid. But yeah, we went, we ate our faces off. It was so good. It was heaven. It was probably one of the best nights in my life. Also, okay, I meant to tell you this. I meant to tell you. So recently they posted on Instagram. Again, we can't stress how much we actually love buffalo wild wings and the new menu items

and the chef remember the chef was such an angel oh yeah so anyway so inspirational recently um I think I sent this post to you it was a picture of a girl getting engaged there remember I sent it to you and I was like this was basically us and it was like a picture of her hand with the ring on it like over I don't know a platter of chicken tenders

and I liked it obviously and then I sent to you was like look this could be us and we laughed it off and then that girl actually DM me it was like I just saw that you liked my engagement photo I'm so like fan girling right now. I got engaged at Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm like, because of me and Hannah? Like, did you see me and Hannah's content? And you were like, that's where I got to get engaged. When you sent me that photo, I thought it was us. I thought it was our hands.

So we did like a full on photo shoot with the chicken. Yeah, we were the only two, I hate use the word influence, but it is what it is. We were the only two influencers that they had there. So we were just like, clear the table, bring over the nachos. And I just got this picture of me, like, sink in my teeth into the chicken tenders. And we got a, like, slow-mo of you eating the burger. I was like, I need a burger slow-mo because naturally, that's what you do at Buffalo Wild Wands. Yeah.

I did it a couple times. Ashley got the best angles because you're a good person. Thanks. Because you care about other people. Right. It was a little hot that day. Also, guys, for 20% off your menu of Buffalo Wild Wings, you just go burning an hell. Swipe up for a chicken tender to the face.

Holy crap. But yeah, girls got to eat. You've got life shows coming up. People need to check that out. are you living your dream? Yeah. Is it everything you wanted to do? Yeah.

It just is. I don't know. I mean, it took a long time to get here. I'm in my 30s. I lived in Atlanta. Yeah, I lived in Atlanta for 10 years. We just went back and did a show there. It was incredible.

I'm not scared. I mean, I stay as humble as I can, but I'm not scared to be like, yeah, it's my dream. I mean, I've worked really hard to get here, and like, it's finally happening. So, yeah. We've had Raina on, and it was interesting, because I didn't know you as well,

and we'd ask some questions, but, like, two people working together successfully fascinates me. As in just, and she's just like, she talks about your work ethic a lot. And how do you guys inspire each other? How do you not fucking kill each other? I know. I think we earnestly enjoy each other. We really do. It's crazy because I, part of it, I just feel like we got lucky.

Like, I just will be the first person to say that I don't work well with others all the time. Like, I knew early on that I needed to work for myself. if I just was like I can't have like a boss you know when did you realize that I mean because that takes some balls like in high school I kept fighting with the math yeah when I kept getting in trouble with authority figures yeah I used to get in trouble all the time I was like good at school it was like straight days but they were like she's a problem with authority yeah people just kept saying which you know what not a problem with authority a future leader right thank you thank you for the spin on that she's not bossy I'm the boss he's the boss so um I've been on my own I started

freelance writing and then transitioned into blogging comedy all these things in 2010 so it's been it's been a minute but yeah I mean Raina the thing with her I just can't like what it didn't it could have gone really bad I didn't know her that well when I asked her to do this podcast we probably we met on a trip and then we probably hung out three or four times in New York City when we got back from the trip so I knew she had like I knew she was going to bring an audience to the table but she really could have just been a lazy piece of shit how was I going to know you didn't know each other very well we did not know each other very well she could have just taking her social security and she could have stole my identity you know like and I was

kind of like feeling her out like what is her job history and she's sketchy looking like i don't trust little people oh my god do not listen to this no we can't say that little people i didn't mean midget she actually is like one of my only like short friends i usually gravitate towards people of my hulk size um i'm five 10 keychain and she's like yeah but i was at a wedding recently and this guy i i swear to god his tone was hitting on me but what he said was you have strong shoulders and I was like that was unnecessary um I've had people tell me I have strong legs and I'm like I just feel like a horse like a gross horse it's like I'm sturdy I'm like I can't push you over Jesus she's he's about to like check my gums yeah she's she's healthy she's good

so don't tell a girl she has strong legs unless we're in a gym and you're my personal trainer you're spotting me you're putting yeah oh this is hot now it's getting hot oh this is yeah I like this. Can you spot me over by the vending machine? That's where I'll be. Oh, yeah. Can you spot me a dollar? Um, yeah, I mean, we just were the perfect match. I don't know how else to say it. Like, I am super type A. I'm a perfectionist. I'm pretty controlling. I like things done my way. And Raina is really like, she's smart and creative and works hard, but she's like a good compliment for me. If she was just like me, it wouldn't work. Like if we just, we would clash. And so I'm not saying she like you know I mean she just she'll defer to me on stuff we we our job

responsibilities just kind of naturally falling into where they are like we split things down we just we have the things I do she's the thing she does and just works I mean I feel thankful every single day I don't know how we both got this lucky I because I just don't mesh with everybody how'd you think of the for the idea in the beginning like were you friends for a second no so I had the idea to do the podcast like for months I met this guy that we were friends and we talked about doing a podcast together we had a name it obviously was not girls got to eat we had like a different name we had a different idea it was it was gonna it was gonna be called love handle like like that's cute which it was gonna be

about dating relationships also like love handles are my problem area so it was like it was like on brand for that and then I just started nothing against him he's great I just started to be like I just don't think this is the person I want to like spend the rest of my life with like I wanted to start a podcast like with a mission of like this is my next career move like I pictured live shows I picture all these things and so manifesting I was manifesting he kind of got fell off he got a girlfriend like that was such a blessing. And then I put it on the back burner for a little bit. I actually got a terror reading that my friend, who's also a terror reader, she laid out a card for everything I had going on career-wise. And she nailed it. Everything she said has come true.

What did she say? Just like we laid out like, Bro's Being Basic. We laid out like my merch store. We stand-up comedy. And then the podcast, and she was like, the podcast is the thing. This is in June of 2017. She was like, the podcast is the thing. And she was like, you're also going to be performing. I know you want to be on stage. I know you want to be performing. But I don't think. it's going to be quite stand-up, it's going to be comedic, but she, like, she, like, predicted the future. It was wild. I'm getting so many chills right now.

You're a fucking inspirational, I wasn't planning on giving you so many compliments, but it's happening naturally. I'll take it. It's just that, like, you have so many different avenues of, of revenue, which is so important, I think, for female entrepreneurs, we're like, Instagram can go down tomorrow and you're not a fucking model anymore. Right. Yeah.

So, like, the fact you have a podcast, the fact you have your merch, the fact you have your live shows and also you don't have to be type cast as like anything like when it's it's probably hard for you and people are like what do you do so you have to deal with those seconds of awkwardness every day but you're so much more than being put in a box and that's okay well i mean i love what you when we first met you you you had the same idea you were like yeah if i'm going to have a platform with this show i'm going to do something else bigger with it people just don't think like that everybody should be but i mean so i admire what you've done too and now i mean you're doing comedy and it's just amazing. I appreciate it. How did you get into stand-up? I knew I wanted to be in

entertainment. I loved comedy. And I just was like, anybody that I admire that I want to be like, Chelsea Handler was kind of my first person. Chelsea was my person. Chelsea Lately? Chelsea Lately. So that's when I heard that. I know so many of these like comics from that show. Yeah. Like they were all just these huge celebrities to me, the ones in the roundtable. Like I know all of them. Like someone's like, how do you know that random comic? I'm like, because I just used to watch Chelsea lately every single night. So she was kind of my idol and I wanted to be like her. Her artfully like bitchy, mean comedy is it's so hard to now.

She just nails it every damn time. And she became like an empire. She'd the books and then she was able to have her Netflix show. I mean, whatever. People, I just have followed her career for so long. And I was just like, if I want to do any of this stuff in this arena, I have to do stand-up. It's just I have to. I've been like the funny girl my whole life, but I can't, I just feel like this is something

and I have to do if I'm going to go into this world. Also, stand-up involves so many things you'd already been doing. Like, stand-up is so much writing. Writing, yeah, for sure. And to write funny is so difficult. And then the fact you already have the charisma, you put that together. Thanks.

And it's, it seems like a total natural thing. But it also, I love that you weren't one of those people in college that was like, I know exactly what I want to do. God, no. I just was there. I was just blacking out and fucking dudes. Like, that was my degree. So I feel like you've met your work, soulmate,

what's going on with your male soulmate or your love soulmate? Oh, my God. Do you believe in soulmates? Yeah. Like, but I think you can have a few. I don't know. Like, I just, I can't get, I can't get down with this. There's one person for every one person.

I think you could be fine with multiple people. I think you should have a boy in every different area code. For sure. Honestly, the way you are. We, like, when we were in Atlanta, we, like, booked the dancers that he books, like, for the Super Bowl. Like, these pole dancers, they're. insane. I saw that. Yeah, there are one of my Instagram highlights. They were, I just can't.

So I'm gonna be, we had them perform how low. Should that be our next like, um, revenue stream? Just like pull dancing. No, I'm white. It's not gonna work. I just, the things they were doing, I was just like, I can't, I have no upper body strength. Like, I couldn't even like climb a rope and gym. This is not, I don't have it. No, listen to me. I have sturdy legs, but I don't have the upper body strength. You do have the legs. I got the sturdy legs. Sturdy. You got some stripping legs

No, this is my pitch to you We start a comedy strip club It's called Poles and Punch Lines And we just do daddy issue jokes for an hour Okay, this is amazing I don't have any of those But I can tell other jokes Wait, do you not have daddy issues

This fascinates me I know, I'm sorry It's triggering to people But here's... I don't believe you... Okay, here's a thing Everybody has daddy issues, okay So here's a thing

I have... Does he love you too much? Yeah, it's not we're not even really like daddy's girl like we don't have a weird relationship I'm like best friends with my mom but my dad I think just like he never he just never let me down ever so my standards for men are like a little too high so like that's been my my ongoing I guess issue with relationships is like I just have really high expectations and like you fuck up once and I just feel like I'm quick to cut people off and I've been told I'm hard to please and things like

that so we all have daddy issues but mine are kind of the opposite where like I almost my my parents have too perfect of a marriage I like my expectations are like a little too high we're actually very similar because my parents are still together yeah you're still great my dad's great my thing with my dad is he was like my coach oh right right yeah so we dealt with love intense stuff but it was always out of like him caring and loving me so much and now that I've grown and like he's not my coach anymore yeah he's just like one of my best friends my mom and I are like best best friends but my dad and I are very similar and my dad yeah I have the kind of if a guy like takes long to text me back once. I'm like, I'm over this.

There's too many guys in the world. I'm like you. I have zero tolerance for men. Unbothered. And I was fighting with this guy yesterday. We were having conversation. I was like, if a guy ever cheated on me, yeah, that's literally the worst thing you could do besides murder me, which could be nice sometimes. But anyway, it depends what you're into.

And he was like, sometimes people just make mistakes. And I'm like, well, I want to find someone who doesn't make that particular mistake. That particular mistake. Right. And some people can tolerate that shit. But I think expectations is a thing, but then do you think our expectations are too high? I don't know. Were your expectations too high with Raina? No, you just met the right person. I think so. I think, and I, it just is like,

you know, I just want, like, I've always kind of wanted a guy that, like, has things. Like, my dad's just this perfect dude. Like, he's, like, funny. He started his own business. He has, he has, he has, like, he has a, he has all these crazy hobbies. Like, he's a pilot. Like, he's all these things. And so it's just like, I want a super dynamic guy. Yeah, he's tall, great head of hair. Like, you know, I'm like, I want a guy that's this dynamic and it's hard to find because that's kind of an older

school thing. How did your mom find him? What's your advice? She just found him in a bar, but my mom's like a smoke. Yeah. Like she just started aging at 66. Same as my mom. She's a smoke. She's never any work done. It's like, what is your face? Is there extra collagen in there? She just got like one neck wrinkle. I'm like,

this is bullshit. I have way more, worse crow's feet and like forehead wrinkles than her. It's such, it's fucking bullshit. But she, um, no, like it's this guy.

I met this, we met these guys in Charleston. Because people, I swear in number one city, I will say that men approach you, like in the wild. They just do. It's happened every time I've gone there.

They just like come up to you. Like in, if guys come up to you in the city, you're like, oh, this is going to be bad. Like, it's never a hot, yeah, charming guy.

It's always like, he's drunk and like, like, who knows. Right. And it's like not good. It was good. These guys came up. They just missed their flight.

They were there. like we need a beer and they were like cool funny their brothers they were really cute and we like started talking to him i mean this one guy has he's leaving me on red currently but you know i'm not worried about i didn't mean to bring that up i'm sorry i'm sure he's just crafting a witty respond yeah for sure or his phone might drop in a toilet that happens all the time to people he's probably planning a trip to come see me like as we speak he's gonna surprise you he's surprising you and he purposely left you on red to bring you down he's gonna build you right back up i think so you know what no i didn't just check my phone it's fine

Have you and Raina ever had a foursome? No. Oh, I just, I couldn't. Like, I couldn't hook up with Raina. I think it would check. I would just, no, like, not enough. I think she's hot, but like, it would just, our relationship would never be the same. Yeah.

Like, I don't think we would, we're too close. Would you have sex with two guys, like, in the same hotel room, but not hook up with each other? Oh, if we were both, we both fucked guys at the same time in the same house in Denver. Like, that's, that's spiritual. But I just don't think I want to hear her have sex. Yeah. We're just, we are, our. level of closeness is all the things.

It's like family, but best friends, but business partners. Like, it's just, I cannot hear her fuck. But you've heard her talk about fucking, like, everything. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, but we, we had an issue in Denver where, like, I thought, I thought I was going to hear her fuck. So we were, we were saying the Denver comedy works like they have a condo they put

you up in, and the walls just don't go all the way to the ceiling. And we, she was fucking a dude there. And so I was like, you can't do this right. You got to go in the bathroom where the ceiling is like full size. And she. Or blast some music? I didn't hear it. But I was, but then we ended up both going back to these guys' house.

So yeah, we were like in close proximity, both fucking these dudes. You guys are fun. Why do you think, like, I know you're like luck, look, look, but what do you think is the X factor about your guys' conversations that has created this cultish, truly cultish following? I mean, we are just on such the same wavelength about everything. Like, I think we have these differences that people can be like, I'm an Ashley or I'm a reina. Yeah.

You know, like, I think people think I'm, I don't know how to say it. I think people say Ashley in the streets, rain in the sheets. So people tend to think she's like, the one that's a little more sexual and she loves blow jobs and she loves come. And I think people think I, like, and maybe a little more polished or, you know, I, if you're really into like political stuff, you're more like me. I'm a little more like aggressive, combative type A type of person. Combined, you're kind of everything. But we're just on the same, we have the same humor. like we can we always I think that's what keeps our relationship like solid like I feel I was said this

yesterday we had we didn't interview yesterday and I was like I can tell when rain is like getting a little irritated with me so I just have to like drop a hilarious joke like I'm just like I'll bring her back around we just laugh all the time it's like the best relationship I've ever been in it's kind of remind me of me and page on summer house and that people will be like are you the page or the Hannah because like I'm that seems pretty obvious yeah like we're really opposite like I don't care what I look like I'm like saying inappropriate jokes then page is like super polished and and And then I'm talking about sex, then Paige is like, if he wants to marry me, he has to buy me, they ring. Totally.

Like, I can see how people wouldn't think they were, you or her. And she's probably like, she's like, you're more in your face comedic in a good way. And she's like low-key, funny. She's so, she's such a great sense of humor. But then the more we've been hanging out, like, she now has been like wearing less makeup. And then like, my outfits have been slightly getting better. Now we're meshing into the same person and it's getting scary. But I just think, I just, I'm fascinated by like amazing female.

friendships. Yeah, and Raina and I just, we hate all the same people and the same things. Well, that's the most important thing. Like, we just, we will be annoyed with everyone else in our life except each other. I mean, we get annoyed with each other. Don't get me wrong. Like, I get it. I can't annoy anybody. Like, you spend too much time with me. But we just, we just are both, like, passionate about the same things good and bad. Like, if she, we, like, get fired up about the same stuff. Like, if in our business, if somebody's not pulling their weight or something's going wrong, not each other, like people on our team and everything, like, we're both mad about it like we both we agree on almost everything in the in the business like

I feel like if I was like flipping out about something like this person's fucking up something's going wrong and she was just like just relax it'll be fine I we wouldn't work like you don't feel understood like yes or you can yes or validate it yeah the worst thing is when you're upset about something or you're angry about something and someone else isn't seeing it yes when you find someone else who gets that fire in you too then you're like you can take over the world with that you nailed it and then there's two of us so watch out like people that You were probably scary in a meeting. People that, like, they never know who's the good cop and the bad cop.

Like, sometimes she will, like, never know who's going to do it. Like, we had to do something recently. I'm not going to get into it. But, like, Raina was, people just think it's going to be me. Yeah. And they don't see her coming. And so they're like, oh, fuck. Like, I thought Ashley was going to be the one to come down to me, but it's Raina.

That's funny. And then I jump in and they're like, they're like, I'm being attacked. But I love also that you guys have this business side that people don't see on the podcast that I'm fascinated by. Like, you guys are doing all the meetings together, making all the decisions. When you guys got together, you both had, you had bros being basic. She has one hungry Jew. And I was going to say hangary, just because that's all my moods, that one mood. Did you have a specific, like, marketing strategy to how you were going to integrate both your own businesses to promote the podcast?

I think we just both, like, agreed we were going to dedicate, like, really promote on those two accounts. And we don't as much anymore. I noticed that. Yeah. I mean, we've been doing 90 episodes. Like people get it. You're like, they know what's up.

But there's points when Raina was like, hey, do you mind posting it on Brosbyn Basic? And I was like, yeah, I just forgot. You know, like thanks for the reminder. But I think we just were like, yeah, like these accounts. And again, like I had my personal account. And then I had this other campaign basic with like close to a million followers. But we were just like, I think it would have been weird if I was like, I don't want

to post it on that account. Like I think Rayna would have been like, what the fuck? Yeah, you know. So I think we were just like, yeah. But I can totally see with the wrong people that could... You can create drama out of nothing when it's the wrong people. I mean, look at relationships with people fighting over, you know, peanut butter and jelly. Literally anything.

The ratio of it. The wind. The wind. How much you blink. The way he breathes when he's about to fall asleep and you're just like, if I just put the pillow over his face. Sorry, these are my own issues. And I just feel like Raina, like, I... Again, we are not in a romantic relationship.

So there's still, but we aren't over. You're like, I just want to make this clear. Let everyone know that we only fuck on Fridays. No, I'm just kidding. But we. It's only physical. She just deals with me so well. Like, there's, I always think, you know, we all have PTSD from our former relationships.

And like, I know I can be bitchy and like a little short and like my tone can be what it is. And like, sometimes I'll say something. I'm like, God damn. And I'm like, that wasn't totally nice. And then she just is like, she knows. She's like, Ashley, what the, go to yoga. You know, stop, stop being a bitch. where, like, it would have been the most huge as blowout fight with my past relationship.

She doesn't take it personally. And she doesn't have a bunch of issues that she's triggered. Like, she's just stable and cool, you know. I love Raina. I think she's a little angel. So how much of your day do you spend on bros being basic, which has over a million followers? You probably make a decent income from it. Oh, girl.

I just, like, does anyone want to buy it? No, I'm just kidding. I, uh, not as much. And I, it's like been kind of like a, pain point for me that I've talked to some guys here we're recording about it like you worked so hard to establish I did yeah I mean I used to spend a lot more time on it because it's it's created like I do photo shoots and create all the content but I just it's a huge account it still gets great engagement I should be like making more money than I am I did I never used to really have to

go out and work get brands like they just kind of all came to me so I've never really had a sales purse I mean I can I can sell I can crush proposals and but I never was going out and pursuing brands, they were mostly just kind of like falling into my lap. And then working with the same brands for over years. I've been working with like Smyranoff and Captain Morgan for years. But as of late, it's like, I got to figure this out. Because yeah, there's sitting on money that's not, that I'm not getting. So, um, but also you're making money another avenue. Yeah, but it's just like, come. I mean, I could like even like, you know, it's just, it's, it's been the thing that's been on my mind. So what you're doing is something

I'm like newly doing. Like, I'm only about 40 episodes into the podcast. Actually, it's been almost a year. Yeah. But it's still fairly, like, a new kind of lifestyle for me. Yeah. And then I have the show, and then I have my Instagram that's gotten hot. How do you, how have you gotten reactions with dating, like explaining that, especially because New York City is full of finance bros, lawyers, sports industry? I don't fucking know who's on Bumble nowadays.

But how do you deal with explaining yourself or what reactions have you gotten from guys? I mean, most people think it's cool. Like, they're like, they think it's awesome. I don't know what they're really believing on the inside. You know, like, I think it can be emasculating to someone that is in the same field a little bit. I don't, like, on my apps, on the apps, I really only do, I really only do Hinge, but I don't have any pictures of me, like, performing. He's like, and show you the height. Well, fuck the, I went on a rant about Hinge because they made the height part of the paid.

So, fucked up. They made it part of the premium thing. And so, because I was filtering out by height. And, like, the day they changed that, every guy in my, that liked me was, like, five, six. And I'm also like, what are you thinking? Yeah. I'm five, ten. I mean, more power to you.

Yeah. What went wrong in your childhood? Right. Or what went right. Five. Five. We could make this work. No, we can't.

I'm not a heightist. Like, I think you are way more into, like, height. Like, I just need a guy my height. I'm a height. Like, this guy I met recently that I was damming with. Like, he's probably right skimming six feet, maybe even like five, 11 and a half. It's fine. Like, most of my exes of nobody's.

been crazy tall for me. Your brother's huge. Six, seven. I was going to slide in about it, but I was like, play it cool. I was just like, he's really big. He's huge and his, you know, his girlfriend's six, too, on a short day. I don't know. She's really docile, but they, like, like, I have strong legs. The funniest thing, Hannah, is that they look like, when you see them without anybody around them, they look like a normal couple. So there's a picture of them in front of this waterfall, because it's a huge waterfall and you're like maybe that guy's 5-9 and jacked they're like they're i should show it to you and then you're like that guy's 6-7 and that girl is 6-2 on a short day their children are going to crush at see you on draft day yes they're gonna have sneaker sponsorships at like four years old

for nike i just i'm worried about them having a girl oh god it's fine volleyball they'll be she's beautiful my brother's a good looking guy we don't look alike you got the look you got the look oh shut up he did he everybody he doesn't even look like he doesn't even look white i was actually talking to a guy in the office though um i'm calling that but um he was like i just love tall women there's something that's so confident about a tall woman do you ever we didn't choose this i know you're i mean you're five 10 is tall do you get like fetishized do you feel like i don't i'm not i'm 510 is like listen also my my guy knows says i'm 5 9 and a half so whatever i say i'm 510 like cody crawford yeah um

i don't think any tall men like i think tall men like i think tall men if they like tall women they're not fetishizing they're like I just want somebody around my same size if I think there's probably short guys out there that fetish I want to climb you like a fucking tree what is this word fetish eyes fetish eyes smart saying tall women like I remember I feel like I to tell you the story there was a point I lived back in Atlanta and I was um on a really bad dry spell like I was like I've had a ton of sex in my life but for whatever reason I was like coming up a year I'm like I can't go a year this is crazy like I'm I used to be a slut and so I was like I'm going out tonight and I'm fucking and I went to this place in Atlanta called Smith's

old bar and this I just like picked a guy and I think I was drunk how did you make the move how do you make he oh sorry he walked up to me yeah I think a guy that like tall women yeah and he was not short but he was probably like five nine and I was like I'm just so desperate like this is what I'm gonna do tonight and he was cool we need a cute face like you know Nikki Glazer says you get a hot guy and a discount so I'm like this is fine and so we actually we I brought him home we actually had great sex I think shorter guys try harder it was drunk yes they do because he's He went down on me, all the things. I think I had an orgasm and doggy style.

It was great. So then the next morning, though, okay. My dog jumped up on the bed, which is cute. I have this big dog, and he pet his head with his little baby hands. And seeing his little hand pet my dog, I almost vomited. It was the smallest. I hadn't looked at his hands, which is crazy because I usually look at hands. I think I was, like, not looking purposely.

And when he pet Dewey's head with this little. I was like, you would have to leave. He was like, do you want to... Get your hand, your little tiny baby hands off my dog. He didn't have sex with you. He was just using his little baby hands. Catch your tiny hands off my dog. I'm dead.

Get your dainty little tiny hands. Do you notice hands you do, right? I just, it's like a animalistic thing for me that like, I'm, I actually, it's weird that I didn't notice that guy's hands. I think I was so wasted, but hands are big for me. I think I was wasted. Yeah, I'm, I mean, the grossest thing in the world is if a guy doesn't cut his fingernails. Yeah, I meant like size of hands.

Yeah, size. I think I, because I was like playing sports my whole life, maybe I had like extra testosterone or something, but I need a dude who's like, yoked up. Because I need to feel feminine in this skin, you know. And so I just, yeah, I need big hands, big, I just need big, except for the judge. dick, I'm totally okay with a normal or below average size dick. Raina calls it a boyfriend-sized dick. Boyfriend-sized dick. Yeah, I, it's, there is a fine line because I, I'm turned off by a teeny dick, right?

Yeah, when it's teeny, it's, and it also affects other, like, things mentally of how he carries himself sometimes, but, like, I will do Pilates on a under, on a slightly below average dick. Like, the big dick, I'm just, like, trying to, you know, you're just trying to survive? Yeah, what do I, I can't, we can't, we can have sex, one. I have to be careful. Did you ever watch the Kim Kardashian sex tape? Oh, I've watched parts of it.

Like that, his, his dick, I felt like there was something wrong with it. Like, she had both of her. It starts, I think, the movie, the movie, the film, the award-winning film that made that family, our royal family.

Like, it starts with a blowjob, I'm pretty sure. And her both hands, I mean, she has small hands, too, the Kardashians, all these baby hands besides Chloe. And her, both of her hands are on Ray J's dick,

and there's still, like, space on either side and in between. I was like, this is, I know what a dick. big when I like can't get my mouth around like the beginning part of it. God, yeah. I dealt with that with Big Dick Dave, British Dave. On the show, he was on the show.

He was six six. His penis was. Totally he was. And it's hard to like speak to your family. They're like, what happened with British Dave? And I'm like, how do I say this? He ruined my vagina forever. No, my vagina's not ruined.

It's recovered. It's not back. It's not back. Viginas are versatile creatures. But it, yeah, it's just. And then he like lied to me. I was like, are there a lot of girls like you just can't have. sex with and he was like no I'm like it's never been an issue and he's like no and then we

broke up he was like all the time I like have one night stands and girls are just like yeah it's not going to happen I honestly like of course I don't know I don't know what's worse a micro penis is worse yeah have you ever dealt with a micropinus no but we you interviewed a micropinus here's what happened at our show in Atlanta we did a show with the punchline we did like a show with punchline that we did a big like theater show but this girl she like brought up this picture of this micro penis and we put it on the projector screen I was like we're going to it sued, but it is what it is. I had not seen one. It was shocking. It's like not a penis. It was like a Cheeto. Yeah. It was I, it is like just looks like a, like it could be. I think at that

point you get surgery. Like can't you just get like a transgender thing happening? I have no idea. But I also guess that that's the worst. But then what is worse between just a small dick and a too large dick? I feel for those guys that people think that's a crazy thing to say, oh, you feel bad for guys with huge dicks. If you actually can't have sex, if women won't date you. because they physically can't have sexually. That sucks. I'm trying to break the stigma. Like enough about being dick.

I do think it's fun to predict guys' dick sizes. Like it's the first thing I do when a girl hooks up with a guy. I'm like, how big? Yeah, yeah. And then they'll be like, blow out average. And I'm like, oh, I didn't see that for him. Well, I mean, I didn't realize this recently. Like, I think brown, Middle Eastern guys have smaller dicks, which is they're so hot.

Oh, so hot. But tall, skinny white guys, hugeest dicks. I just interviewed Mike Feeney. Do you think he has a huge dick? Oh, my God. totally can see him with a big dick yeah yeah like no we're just envisioning my steak sorry Erica um I have always said like why are you out here saying you need a nine or 10 inch dick how big is your vagina like a vagina is like five or six inches deep leave her alone leave her long like are you just

I mean I feel like what you're saying is like I have a cavern for a vagina or she's just practicing for the baby head right sorry this got so graphic I also just got my period 10 minutes ago I can feel it. 10 minutes? Oh, you can feel it. Okay. Do you need to...

No, I'm fine. I'm good. I just wanted to, like, be honest with you. Um, what is your biggest physical insecurity? Um, oh my God. Okay, first of all, I really do like my looks. Um, you're like, this is fun. I mean...

I mean, you are, you, I think you're gorgeous and you're, how you carry yourself, it's very confident. I can't believe you're asking me this. I mean, probably my nose. Welcome to hell. Yeah. Welcome hell. I mean, just, I mean, probably my nose.

Like, I have a bigger nose and like, I... But it, like, fits your face. Yeah. I mean, I would never change it. I would never have like a teeny nose. I would look so stupid. Also, yeah, if you got a nose job, when I met you, I just would have thought, nose job.

I would just couldn't be able to get back the fact. Like, I would only, I would just make it like a little bit smaller like from the side. Like I actually, I think it's fine from the front. Like it's not a big like wide nose. But like, you know, you start to get so many pictures back of yourself and you see yourself on camera all the time. Different angles that you didn't know you had. Yeah.

So that's really it. I mean, I, if I could change my body, I don't know. I feel pretty good about it. Like, I've always had, like, my, I gain weight in, like, love handle area. Like, I would, like, a little bit thinner waist, but, like, I can do that in the gym. There's nothing I really can't totally tackle in the gym. But, yeah, if, like, went into the knife, it would be, like, I don't know, I could take, I would like, if I could do this and get through it, it would be, like, take some of the fat out of my love handles and put it in my butt.

Oh, yeah. You know? I see you, Kim K. I feel like everyone is in L.A. is now. I don't say everyone. They like to take things out and put it in their butt. Well, I didn't know. So I just only learned that recently, that that's what you're doing.

I guess I don't know what I thought they were putting in your butt. But, like, I didn't realize you take your own fat and put in your butt. I'm like, this is incredible. I mean, the recovery time is pretty bad because you can't sit. But then also, I don't understand how then your body, like, naturally continues. I don't know either, girl. I feel like there'd just be, it freaks me out. Also, the most fucked up thing I've ever heard that I've mentioned before on this podcast is

people are taking out their bottom ribs. I think the Kardashians did I mean how can you do that it's sickening it's so sickening I'm so upset about it yeah what is your worst habit my phone like it's it feels like it feels like an addiction like how bad do you want to check it right now I actually feel fine right now okay good I in the I don't have that when I'm it's not yeah it's really not that it's like at home like why is it three in the morning like I've done nothing it's like I've done nothing it's it's just like just put it away it isn't that i'm i don't care what's going on right now on my phone i'm having a great time but like it is just that like at night why did i just shut down instagram

and open it again like is this is like yeah you're we're full on like heroin addicts i should just go to bed like it's just feels i compare it again i feel like people would be offended by this that actually have food addiction obesity issues like it feels like it feels like it feels like you know you're not going to you're supposed to keep eating these chips but you just do it do you know the developers created apps with the idea of how to get us addicted to it. Of course. They've done stuff to make you hook. Like the little like red notification bubbles, like it's a, it gives us that dopamine

hit that like when you're kind of bored about to go to sleep, you're not that tired. You're like, I want a dopamine hit. But there's nothing else in there. Like it just, it's so much better if you don't, if you really care about your likes and your comments and your engagement. Like it's so much better if you don't look at your phone on the time. Then you go back in you're like, there's hundreds. Yeah.

I mean, for me, if you care about the likes and the engagement, stuff like that like don't focus on the results focus on the content like so i'll post something and i don't i don't you have to check i know what it's going to hit yeah i don't it's not even that i don't care it's it's it's it's it's not even really that i may have not posted something in days and i'm still just on instagram or whatever on my phone at night way too late yeah so but you're like a very productive i feel like you're kind of a workaholic i mean i just think work smart not hard is that the word yes i don't like or is that the phrase I mean, yeah, I'm just, like, constantly working, but I just, it doesn't feel like work.

Yeah. But there will be times when it's usually the week before we get on the road, because when we're on the road, it's like, we're working and we're, it's really, we're doing stuff during the day, but it's like that week before is like hell, because it's like, we've got to get the podcast early, you know, like, I got to figure this out. Am I editing down the plane? Because I still edit our podcast and I want to keep it that way. Like, same.

But we're advancing all the shows. We're doing all this stuff. Like, it feels like I'm going crazy. Like there, and I just without, without rain, I would just have like a man. manager or assistant but there's two of us we're still dividing all the responsibilities but there's just so much to do because we're like we do these shows we'll go out and do we were last week we're in four cities we did five shows in a week and then still had to produce the podcast and still do stuff on instagram and coordinate photographers videographers dancers like rentals like the screen like everything

with the venue and then go do sound checks and then still try to see all of our friends in these cities and then still do the show like it just gets wild I have so much anxiety right now but it's sometimes that pressure actually makes you like the most productive i i like i perform well under pressure i always have i'm the same way like i edit my podcast it comes on a wednesdays i edit it every tuesday because that's the only time that i will spend yeah that i can like otherwise i like a loose focus whatever you're listening to your own voice you know but yeah tuesdays i will nail the edit but i could never get myself to seriously do it like a week in advance yeah yeah i mean it puts every once in when it's done early it feels so good true like I edited it in full our last episode the

Monday before on the flight to we went out to California first before we did this tour and like I got it done good for you and I read it was in front of me like top driller short I'm like the podcast is done she's like what and like because I knew I was I wasn't going to it takes me I mean the podcast now are long like they are closer to one an hour and a half yeah two hours or this one this one was very long it takes me like it takes me like four or five hours it is I'm a go. The stuff that I do in there is, I don't even know if any, I think people would look at it and be like, you, what are you doing?

This is insane. I'm just like, I'm a crazy person. I'm a perfectionist. I want like the smallest things. I'm the same way. It takes me about four hours out of my podcast. And my mom, people don't even do this. They just, some people don't edit at all.

So sometimes I'll have a laugh and I'm just like, yeah, that's going to go. I don't know what sound you just made. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I had one of my favorite tweets with like, people always talk about loving your. body, learn to love your body, but like how do I learn how to love my laugh in the background of an Insta story? Like that is my, a monster that I've never met. And I listen to a podcast and like someone will say a joke and I'm just make a noise that I'm a human, not a human noise. And I'm just like, well, that joke needs to be taken out now because that's not going to be

seen or listen to by the public. You need to get, you need to record a good laugh and just like dub it in. But also I will say, I did talk to this about this on Remy Cassie. Mir's episode that she went on was that like I love big laughter and women need to laugh loud take up space it just sometimes make weird noises I mean that's the only way to laugh like when you have to lean back and then you've recorded a podcast like it's it's so great you have like your flirty laugh which is like my friends know I like I like a guy by like how I laugh yeah and then you have the laugh where you're like oh make this stop like can we this conversation be over and then you have the laugh where you just when Andrew Collin when I'm he told one

story about choking. And I was laughing so hard that, like, I was interrupting his story. And, like, the one job as a host is, like, just don't, don't interrupt the person they're telling a story. So, anyway, laughter's fun. It's the best. It's my favorite thing to do. When was the last time?

This is a great transition. When was the last time you were depressed? I, okay, so I like to, like, tip to her on that word because I don't have depression, and I know people do. And, like, I just don't. I felt so happy for so long. Like I get like lows after I've been drinking and stuff like that. But I mean, the last time I was in like a really dark place, like crying every day was like something that happened with my ex into 2000.

Oh, it's so funny. It was the right of the time when I met Raina. So I would say it was like end of September to end of October like a second. valid month. That was really so difficult. Like I was like, I just can't, I'm just in a shower crying. I can't go to spin because my heart rates up. I'm like, only can go to yoga that calms my mind. And like, in the middle of that is when I met Raina. And so I was in like a dark place. Like, so we met in this press trip in Aruba. And it was like a really deep dark place for me. And like I got to this trip. And I was like, this is crazy. I'm so lucky to be here. Like,

this is free. You know, I'm in this beautiful lobby of this hotel and the beaches outside. Like, and I feel like so sad. So I've got to like figure this out and turn this around and just like had a pep talk with myself and like, you know, that night I met this person who is my now like life partner business partner. But yeah, that was like I don't, I just don't, I went up and down a lot with my with my ex. But that was actually like even worse than all of our breakups. It was just like a whole thing.

Like he had moved on, but he lied to me. And it was like, I mean, whatever. I'm not going to get into a whole story. But it was, I mean, I kind of woke up at the end of October and was like, oh it's been a month of like grieving and like i'm not supposed to be with this person anyway and like had to snap out of it but yeah that was uh it was i love the timing of that though because that's like with me i had a terrible breakup where like yeah my heart i just always felt like my stomach was turning i lost my appetite your heart's beating really fast and then when i when i like kind of got through

it i had a whole no perspective about life and that's when like shit started to go well for me it's the timing is crazy it's crazy we literally started the podcast like right after that do you like talk started talking about it you know like once the fog cleared yeah i was like oh i want to pursue this next thing and sometimes you have to hit rock rock bottom to like get rid of all the fog yeah instead of like always having a little fog and be like i'm doing well it's like you got to face your shit and then you can't have new shit happen if you're just full of old shit and i'm just using poop metaphors yeah let's just i know you love to talk about poop and just like like speaking of poop just let it out like i mean i cried a whole lot like that shit go scream like you know i haven't done a while

I just want to, where can you go and scream? Like the subway. Like, because I used to scream in my car. I saw like a crazy person. But in Atlanta, like, you're, where can you scream? You can't really scream in your apartment. And you don't have a boyfriend to scream out for no reason. Yeah, like, right.

So, like, I was, yeah, I would scream. We'd scream all the time. My neighbors in Atlanta probably hated me. But, like, I was thinking about this reason. Like, you really do need to, I think Chrissy Teagan posts something on Twitter, like, maybe a month or two ago. Like, we don't scream enough. Like, I don't say scream into a pillow, but, like, no, the point is I need to shatter

glass. I want, like, trees to, like, split down the middle. I want birds to explode, like, in trek. Do you remember? Yes. I think next time I go out on my parents' farm, I'm going to be like, I'm going to walk back in the woods. And if you hear something, don't worry about it. I'm just screaming.

Screaming's great. Also, crying is great. I don't cry. You don't cry? Like, I never cry. Wait, you don't? And when I do, I'm like, this is so nice. And I start crying of all the things that happened to me, like, the last six months that I should cried.

It all comes through. I'm like, and then my mom didn't answer my call when I thought she loved me. um oh it crying is great i just i'm not in touch with my feelings sometimes so right before we get into a game i just want to i didn't know this like party slutty side of you like what what did it come from like what what is explain i my history also with drinking is just like i was just started drinking i'd a fake idiot at 15 like i just was like are you sober now or you still drink oh i still drank i just don't like get drunk that much because i don't i don't i just don't i really i think it's a professional now well i just don't i really i think

it's hard for people to grasp because I used to be like the party girl like I just don't like the way makes me feel I get lows like I just don't I just don't get drunk I tried to get drunk I'll have a couple glasses of wine or a couple margaritas here and there but I just I need to be more productive like yeah honestly some of the most successful people I know don't drink like you I was thinking about that so that's been the past few years for me but like my 20s and like college and after I just was like such a drunk slide like I just had sex with so many dudes and Like, I was, so many of those were just drunk and experiences. Like, I liked athletes.

I, like, you know, would hook up with athletes at Clemson. Yeah, the huge football guys. Did you, did you enjoy drunk sex? No, I don't think anybody really does. Like, I don't know what. I, like, always think back. I was, like, a little bit of a late bloomer. And I think that's, like, a psychological thing.

So I didn't lose my virginity right when I turned 18. And it wanted to, like, catch up. I feel like I wanted to catch up. And that was, I lost my Virginia. Like, my boyfriend, it was a beautiful experience, like, at the time. But then I just kind of went crazy in college. I don't know. It was too beautiful.

the birds were tripping. Yes, we did. A CTE football player. Okay. And the second guy I slept with after that was on spring break, a freshman year. And it was this like hot football player guy that I met in Panama City Beach. And he, this is the second person I've ever slept with. Glamydia?

Yes. Oh my God. No, he did it. He did. He gave me a child. I'm kidding. I have a 14 year old. No.

Do we? So he, we're like having sex. Second person I've ever slept with. my boyfriend that I lost my virginity too was like treated me so sweet no he was like dirty talking and I never done this sport and he literally were like mid-sex and he goes do you like the dick and I was like yeah like I didn't know and I just thought that was going to be okay and he was like tell me you like the dick and I was like oh my god I've never done this and I would turn and be like I love the dick and I had to be like I like the dick like it was so

it's like traumatizing that's the worst part about college like I feel like high school everyone knows where everyone's at like oh she's been dating while here hasn't college you there's a senior who's like fucked everyone and you're just like I saw one dick in my life yeah what happened to me and then they're like throwing you around and like putting your leg into weird places and you're just like mom can you come pick me up like mom can't pick me up like I'm in Panama City and I was like I have to get out of here my city is like where STDs get created I know I probably have one actually I've never I've never in SCD I can't believe it um anyway I want to play heaven or hell with you okay

Heaven or Hell. I'm going to make this up as I go because I want to play another game, but this game is better. Heaven or Hell during sex choking? I mean, I've never done it, so I guess hell. I mean, if a guy started choke me without me asking, that seems like pretty hellish. Like, I think my life slashing before my eyes. Do you like being called a dirty slug? No, I do not.

I like you telling me how hot I am and how beautiful and how my comedy is funny. Oh, my God. Thank you. Well, Rain and I are opposite on this. Yeah, Rain and I had this discussion. Yeah, so I just, I just need to be, like, told how, like, wet my pussy is, like, how hot I am, how, like, you love my hair, my legs, and don't, you know, I'm just kidding. But, like, I just, it's never happened, and I don't know how I would react.

It's never happened with all the guys you've had sexist. I mean, maybe I don't remember, but, like, I don't have never had the, like, also I think guys can sense the energy you're putting off. Yeah. And, you know. most I don't know I think I also even in my drunken stupor like picked pretty decent guys like I never felt unsafe or anything like that so I think guys that say like call you a dirty slut and a dirty whore like have gotten a feeling that you want that at some point like Raina asks it straight out they've been through some stuff in their life that sent them to their the guys that makes them want to treat like that what does she say to them how does she like I think she just says like call me a dirty slide like I think I that's I I mean, I can't speak for her. That happened once that that happened.

And I think she says it. Oh, I know what she does. One of her moves, too, is like, she'll tell them before the sex starts, like, if they're really flirty and they're kind of talking dirty to each other at a bar, she'll, like, mention it. So they do it later. And then he's, like, lay the ground. Like, lay the groundwork. Yes.

Because when it's, like, in the moment sometimes, it could be, like. I just, I just don't know a lot of guys out there that are just saying that without. It's crazy because I'm currently, like, kind of talking to this guy who we, connected like emotionally and he's just very hot but he he's like I'm into like BDSM and like I'm like I'm aggressive like I want to choke you I want to tell you you're like a dirty little slut and I was just like I didn't say I didn't like it but I was like I've just never done that I'm the same yeah I just never done that like maybe it could be fun because you're so hot but like he he he doesn't want to do it I think it's because he knows I'm not going to like it yeah there's got to be a way to like

start small yeah I know I was like what about a little choke just a lot Will. Yeah. Like if you, I think in, if you're in a situation and you feel like you trust somebody and you see a futureish or just a future of like fuck or fucking, you just, how do we ease into this? What if I meet my soulmate and he just wants to like use gag balls on me all the time? I don't know. I feel like you can't put a ball gag in my mouth and talk too much. I talked too much. I literally was telling Raina. I was like, yeah, I just want compliments. I want them to tell me how, yeah, how good my podcast is. Yeah. I want you to subscribe, right review while we're fucking. I'm fucking, oh, that's the only way I come. I'm like, press that fifth star, press that fifth star. Oh! I would literally cough. That's all I need.

And then bash with the bad reviews be like, this girl's a fucking idiot. She thinks I'd talk over the person. Go fuck yourself. Anyway. Gross all the bad news. What else do we have in this heaven or hell? Ooh. FaceTiming, heaven or hell.

I mean, I knew you'd have an opinion on that. I know. I just, I'm very rarely wanting to do that. Like, I'm trying to think it's invasive. Because some people fucking love a FaceTime. Yeah. But it's like, I have a couple friends who do and like they know it's okay, but like not other people. Yeah, I just, I am not, I rarely, rarely FaceTime. Like, no offense, but like I like I like to be doing other stuff on the phone and I don't want you to know about it. Like if we're talking to the phone, you're probably on speaker and I'm looking at Instagram. You know what I mean? Like I'm there. I'm listening. No, that's not always true. But I, I, it's. I'm not offended. If someone FaceTime's me and I don't want a FaceTime, I'll literally just deny it

and then be like, hey, I don't want to FaceTime. Like, I think people, I have no problem just sharing how I feel like, like, can we talk on the phone regularly? Like, I don't feel like doing this. You just hold the phone.

Also, it uses your battery a lot. Yeah. Like, I'm just, there's nobody, my brother will FaceTime, but like, that's fine. He's my brother. Yeah. And if there's somebody that has a dog,

they can FaceTime me. Oh, 100%. Yeah, like one of my friend or baby, like stuff like that. But your dog should face on each other. I love doing that. I have this thing where I like to FaceTime guys and then put my cat on so it looks like

they're FaceTime my cat and I screenshot it and I make fun of them. That's perfect. I think I saw you do that recently. Yeah, that's your move. That's my move. Or I just stare at myself the whole time. Yeah. This is just a tough question in general for heaven or hell, but it's like not heaven or hell.

Anyway, you can only choose one. Podcast for the rest of your life and never go on stage or stand up for the rest of your life and never podcasts. What? I don't even know how to answer that Hannah, what the fuck? I know, I'm so mean. I'd rather talk about my physical insecurity fan. Probably the podcast, because, like, my looks are only going to decline.

You know, like, my voice should be good for a while. But people, like, aren't, like, watching you because they're like, oh, look at how she walks across the stage. Like, they're, like, she's so funny up there. I know. I don't, I mean. oh they are like look at her legs wow there is my legs yeah with the spray tan specifically I'd still just choose the podcast like if it was like tomorrow you have to end one or the other

like I'd be like I just can't like I just my whole life goal was always to be kind of like a Howard Stern like talk for a living oh cool so I could if I had to choose but that's a terrible thing I have to choose between I know I'm what about you bitch I'm sick um I think I would do I mean I still haven't done as many live performances as you have so I'm there's still like a little intimidating for me and I'm scared of them being like because stand-up stories like oh the road is so lonely and scary and exhausting and you're so tired and you just want to hang yourself in the in the shower alone in a denver and then you do and then you become famous post-mortem yeah and I'm like sounds amazing um I think I love podcasting so much because it's literally just an excuse to hang out with my friends um yeah

I would probably pick on stage okay yeah but also my podcasting is a little lonelier like I I don't have that person that it's, like, a team with. But I kind of chose that because I'm not good at being a team player. Okay. It's just me being honest with myself. Yeah, you'd be the same. Like, I could see being a golfer. A golfer?

Yeah. It's so funny. Like, my whole life, there's just been, I've been, like, surrounded by golf. Like, I grew up on a golf course. Like, I just, I've never, never even done it. And I was, I'm getting golf vibes for me. I think that's your second career. Maybe you're going to fuck a golfer soon or marry a golfer.

And you guys can just, like, travel around. I can, what's your favorite kind of? What's your favorite kind of athlete to fuck? I mean, I guess I've just fucked the most football players. How would you stereotype them? I wouldn't choose lacrosse because that's not consensual, you know. Terrible, yeah, exactly. I'm kidding.

You said it not mean. Basketball, like, the only guy that I couldn't fuck because this stick was too big was a basketball player. And at Clemson, he was 6'9. Nice. I mean, a huge black dude. Yeah. That's six foot nine. I mean, like, I, six nine is so tall.

So tall. It's just, when you hug them, your face just like hits their penis. Like, when I, right. When I saw it, I was like straddling him. Like, we were ready to go. And I was like, I can't, I can't do this. And I was wasted. I still knew.

And you think there's something wrong with you girls, but it's not. It's something wrong with them. Your vagina is perfect the way it is. You have a problem, sir. You have a deformity. What is this? Yeah, it's like, what is it called elephantitis? I think that's in the balls.

I did hook up with this guy with a giant ball sack. It was like inflamed or something or had fluid in it. I don't even know. I had already kind of known, but I never could have anticipated how big it was. I did a guy with one ball once. That's fine, right? It was cute. It was adorable.

I just don't, like, that wouldn't bother me at all. No, it was adorable. But sometimes I do like to have a hold in both of my hand and go like that like marbles. Yes, like marbles. So you can't do that. Then you try to rotate them and you're like in my. They're so soft. So soft and adorable.

Most sensitive skin. And then when this is the memory, you just squeeze them. Just kidding. Let's do, I'm going to think of one more. You batted them like a cat. When they only have one, you're like, let's play some tennis. I love balls.

Okay, last heaven or hell. Let me think of a good one. Brain of falling into a serious relationship. I mean, it's hell if like it affects our job. And she would say the same about me. Yeah. Because I've asked her this too about you and it's a complicated.

Yeah. It's, I don't, I don't like worry about it. But it would, and I think I hopefully, I think we're on both the same page. Like this comes first. And you're on the same page. You're like, we signed a contract. We will get boyfriends at the same time. Yeah.

We'll get married the same time. And then it'll turn into marriage podcast. And then we'll get babies the same time. We're like, mommy's got to eat. Mom podcast. Exactly. Mommy's got a breastfeed. Mommy's got a feed.

Because it, you guys have this like really amazing connection right now. and sometimes a man I know I mean I've we think about it all the time I just don't like I think we're both still really independent like we both have a lot of other friends and people in our lives and stuff like that like it would it would just it would suck if we if it like affected what we're doing in some way but I just don't really see that happening but I mean love makes you do crazy things I don't see her ever getting in a real relationship like I don't see her like a man like affecting it and hopefully she'd pick the right guy that would actually help enhance like everything Yeah, but she's been pretty, this just, like, comes first, you know?

I mean, I think you can always fall for somebody. I don't know. I don't want to think about it. I was saying that, you're like, stop it. I was saying that I'm currently attracted to men who aren't, like, physically, emotionally or spiritually available because I am not either. This stems from my dad, maybe, like, growing up with tennis. He wasn't protective of me.

He didn't care what I did. He would be, like, don't ruin their life. But he always would be, like, don't let them distract you. And that was about my tennis more when I was younger Because so many girls dropped off at like 14, 15, 6 and 17 Because they were like excited for male attention Yeah That's why I'm a late bloomer

But now with my current life I'm like I just don't want a guy to distract me And it doesn't mean I don't want a good guy in my life I mean I don't want that guy that like instead of doing my podcast I'm worrying about him Or I'm on the phone fighting with him Or I don't have time for that shit I don't either

And like I think luckily Rain and I are on the same page about that Like we're just you know I don't I would hope that we just wouldn't end up falling for some guy that was distracting or too needy or worse like wanted us to help him because you know like I don't people that happens too people like come they want they realize the value they want something from us not always but like would you date a guy who's also Instagram famous um I don't have a ton of like I would never date yeah I guess it would depend on what it means I think it would be difficult to date somebody that was doing like stuff very similar to me this was a guy who was

talking to he doesn't he doesn't live here and like it just started to get weird like it was like everything he was doing I was did it but did it better and I say that just in terms of like just more successfully like you know it just is weird I just want it's like I need somebody that is not competitive with me in any way but like that understands what I'm doing you're so right I don't want somebody that's so far removed from it guys love is a battlefield love is a bad I love that song oh I love it but it's you because I'm I'm a competitive person, so I like other driven competitive people, but sometimes I've gotten the wrong relationship where I'm like, oh, you're keeping score.

Right. Or like, oh, you're trying to hold me back a little right now. And that's when I need to fuck you up. Right. And get out and get out. Because I want someone who's my fucking teammate. You know how powerful you are? Right.

We're on the same team. We're not competitive. We're like, we're bouncing ideas off each other. We're cool. And then it's just like when you find a good friendship, like you and Raina could be competitive if you wanted to. We could be. You totally could be like, well, I was funnier that episode.

Or like, oh, well, I got this. Oh, my God. Oh, now what you're saying is now what you're saying is hell. And you could easily with the wrong person in a relationship, in a friendship. And jealousy does, in this industry, a lot of it is like you, everyone's popping at different times. And there's so many opportunities everywhere. I like this quote I said before, which was like, it's like popcorn. It's the same, you know, amount of oil and the same amount of heat and you pop at different times.

Oh, what a metaphor. Isn't that fun? End of food. hungry we got to wrap up skinny pop yeah we don't know so I want to play a final game with you okay and then we're gonna get food um I love games love is love is not a game but it is a battlefield that being said we're playing another game also none of them are games is only me asking you questions no I just call it we we do that too like I try so hard to say segment because it's not a fucking game this is not a fucking game this isn't a game it's

Anyway, it's time to play The Seven Deadly Sins. Seven Deadly Sins. What are you greedy about? Oh, money. Oh, yeah. No, I don't know. I love a girl that wants money.

I love money. Like, it makes me happy. I feel women have to talk about it more. I haven't always, I mean, it's only been recently that I feel like I'm making. Good for you. Yeah, like in the last few years. So you've lived, you've lived.

For a while where, like, you didn't have a... Yeah, oh, my God. Like, when I first went on my own, like, I was... Couldn't pay my rent sometimes. Like, it was just, like, so bad. I was, like, so broke. My credit cards were maxed out, all that kind of stuff. Oh, my God.

But greedy, I don't know. I don't know. I don't really know what I... I don't feel like... I feel like I'm... I try to be as generous as possible. Like, I am always... If I go to dinner with a girlfriend...

Like, one of my best girlfriends is in school. I, like, pay for her meal every time. Like, and she's like, you can't do this. I'm like, yes, I can. I'm doing this for the next two fucking years. And she was like, are you serious? I'm like, you were in school. You were going to end up with so much debt.

I am making money. Yeah. You're part of, like, you're like family to me. And she'll get you back eventually. Yeah, that's just how it works. She, you love her. Who are you envious of? I know it's like such a stupid answer.

Like, I'm just not envious of anybody. I just feel like I have it all. Like I just. I also think now that I know more about like where you've come from, I feel like you have a maybe a gratefulness that I, yeah. I feel, like, I feel, I, now I have a great career. I'm, like, living this dream career. You don't take it for granted.

But I also just don't, like, a couple years ago, I was doing well. I had Burstam Basic and stuff, and I was like, fine, you know, pay all my bills and rent and live my life and travel and stuff like that. But I had this realization of, like, what I have with my family is, like, I feel like the richest person in the world. Like, I just feel like I'm not worthy. Like, how did I get born to this family with these supportive parents and my brother? And so, like, people, not everybody has that.

and I just, if you have that, like, solid people that, like, love you and support you, like, that is just. Do you think that's also a reason, well, you already said why you don't settle, but also because, like, you don't feel that, like, emptiness, no, I'm totally fulfilled. Like, and I don't want to die alone. Like, I do need to get penetrated here and there. But, like, I just don't. I feel, like, absolutely love support and fulfilled all the time.

And now that the career is in place, I'm just like, I feel like I have it all. Like, I don't. And family could be anything, like, if you don't have stereotypical structure. It's, like, a bunch of girls that you really trust or, like, you know your cousins or whoever just finding people who love you for you yeah the only person I mean this isn't this isn't envious at all like I but I mean Heather McMahon I like love what she's doing and she's a friend but I mean she's you know she sells out some venues quicker than we do so I guess I'm a little envious of that she she sold out New Orleans we can't you know like it's just

like when we're doing great we're selling help plenty but it's like it's just not it's not envious it's like she's a different type of person I'm happy for her success yeah but I mean if there's a thing in the career world that I wish I had it would just be like that small little thing. But it's also cool to see someone doing it because you're like, oh, it can happen then. Yeah, it's like you got to look up to somebody. Yeah. You know, and she, I think she looks up to us too. Like we're like peers in that way. But I mean, she is fucking crushing it. She's so I actually, I met her on the Taylor Strecker show before when she still lived in Atlanta. Uh-huh. And I had just started my podcast and she was like, I think I want to start a podcast. But I remember being like,

you totally should. And then I saw her podcast come out and I message her. I was like, girl, you did it. Yeah. She's, but she just, I, I, I, I, I, I, I love her so much. I mean, I think it's like she dealt with this terrible tragedy with her father dying. And like it's almost like I know that she would give up all of that for like one more hour with her father. But like it, the silver lining was what she's been able to build because it was like her father died. Then she had to move back to Atlanta and live with her mom.

And that's what got her on the Instagram thing. Like I just don't know what she'd be doing if she hadn't had that terrible tragedy happen. She still be in LA. She's still being in LA trying to act. And like she, it's like she turned this thing around and just was like, I'm living at home with my mom. And I'm going on Instagram stories and being who I am. I'm going to talk about my dad's death and I'm going to do all these things. And, like, that's what made her famous.

It's so, it's such a great story of, like, how loss can be positive in the way. What do you gluttonous about? So this is a little different than greed. Glutness. I don't know how, but it is. Yeah. I mean, people just automatically say, like, food, right? Or, like, specific kinds of food.

Or if you, like, smoking weed or drinking or attention. People say attention sometimes. Yeah. Like, I just don't have answers for this. I'm just, like, too perfect. damn i don't i'm not a sinner i just love jesus guys i'm gladness about i'm a glutton for jesus i'm a glutton for jesus and my christianity my and anal sex i literally can't stop going to church and doing anal at church

watching the priest do anal sorry i shouldn't do that probably like probably popcorners if you had these i can't i eat a bag in one sitting i can't stop oh they have different flavors and stuff They're also like the healthy snack. White cheddar and popcorn. You're annoying. What was the last time you experienced extreme wrath? Right. Like anger?

Oh my God. I'm angry. That's my like go-to emotion. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Do you get like anger on the subway, like cabs, like little things? I, yeah, I'm like a really impatient person. Like trying to like get out of last time I drove home to Delaware.

Like I just got out late and it was it was for a Friday, which just even not in the summer, trying to leave the city on a Friday afternoon. It's like, I, that feeling in your body of, like, I'm going to kill somebody. Like, I can't believe more people don't get out of their car and kill people. Like, the way that these cars are like in a Tetris grid, like, this person honked at me from behind and I was, I was, if I went, I would have blocked an intersection and they honked at me so much that I fucking went and a car almost teabode me. And I was like, oh my, you almost killed me because they just need me to inch up a little further. And that's why I don't drive. It's, I mean, I just only do it because I got to bring my dog.

home it's his fault oh dewey because i yeah i would never drive if i that's the only reason i drive home to delaware so i can bring dewy but um how would your life be different if you didn't have a pet um i don't know i think he's made me a lot more like caring and i'm not a nurturer by nature so like nurturing um he kept me when i first got him i felt like he kept me grounded because i was out partying like every night all night i would just like stay the night at my friend's house and like staying at with a dude i was always like staying the night out and like i would just leave on a friday and like never come home you know like and so it's like he grounded me in that way at first and then I just patience he was like really bad the first year he got kicked all those daycares he was like busting through windows

it was bonkers so like he's definitely in that way he's such so my type but it would be I would I mean other things would be easier you know every time we travel I have to find sitters for him and now I mean it used to put me in debt like that I have a lot of debt from him so there's good and bad I would never trade it for the world but also emotionally I feel like just having an animal around can be really like therapyizing it is i can't like the day that he's gone i mean i just i don't know what's going to happen like it's there's if there's like a night that he's not with me or something like if he now sleep with you he he's not so much anymore he's old he's like 12 it's like he's hard for him to kind of get up on the bed he like he can like he can

like he can cuddle with me but like there was a night when he was like still at the sitters like got home late now a sitter comes to the house but this was before that and like he wasn't there and just one night of him not being there was weird It's so empty. I like woke up at the crackadon to go pick them up. I live alone for the first time. And if I didn't have butter, I feel like it would feel just like sad. Instead, when I go home, I'm not like, oh, I'm stuck with myself.

Instead, I'm like, oh, little baby, how do I make your life so happy? And I'm not a nurturer either. Like, I literally, if the guy's like, give me a massage, I'm like, go fuck yourself. Yeah. But butter, I'm like, I will literally do anything you want. I know. She's so cute. Oh, she said it was National Cat Day yesterday.

I felt so much pressure because I didn't know it. And then people were like, what are you going to do for National Cat Day? And I felt like I was like the ambassador of National Cat Day. So I did a huge roundup of my cat tweets, which I was very proud of. Oh, I did see the Cat Tweet. And then I did like a couple of throwbacks. I could have done so much, but I was also like going to lose a lot of followers by it. So I was like, let's even it out.

Some people fucking hate cat people. And I was like, there's so many more fucked up things about me besides the fact that I love cats. Right. My mom posted all of her cats. She has four. I think I need to do a trip to Delaware. You should come. It sounds beautiful.

Can we just like yell on the farm? We'll just go scream and you can play with all the cats. And we'll just go scream in the woods. Just scream and party with cats. Should we do a scream retreat? That sounds amazing in the whole time. So many New Yorkers would just go because they'd be like, I haven't screamed in so long. This is a tough one.

When was the last time you let your pride get in the way of something? Like, how's your ego? I have an ego. I'm trying to be better. So like this guy, I'm trying just not to like. to care because like what's I'm trying to take a like a what's the worst that could happen type of thing um probably this probably this guy in L.A. like uh that I had kind of a thing with and we had had a thing like earlier in this this year and then I just felt like it kind of fell off and

I felt like a little rejected by him and so when I went back to L.A. Is he in the industry? Not really. Kind of. I don't want to say where he works but he but he works for like a media company but on the sale side. So not like not like he's not like kind of. content creator. But we, I just felt a little burn by it, but he didn't do anything bad. Whatever. It just, our relationship kind of fizzled, but I still felt like a little bit rejected. So when I went back to L.A. in May, I didn't tell him I was coming.

And that was just me being like an ego. That's some shit I would do. And then he saw my Instagram story that I was there. And he just was like, what is, what is, why would you not tell me? And then the rest of the, the rest of the weekend, we just never really got up. We were like, weirdly at odd. Because he was kind of hurt by it. He just, he brought it up a couple more times, like, hey, I want to see you, but I'm just, I'm

confused. Like, why did I have to see that you were, like, on Abbott Kinney, like, on your Instagram story? Like, I live in this neighborhood. I don't get it. And so I think that was, I don't, I wouldn't change anything. I just, like, and then I was pissed because he wasn't really, like, changing his plans around me. Like, not change his plans, but we just never saw each other.

And it was like a bummer. And I'm kind of like, man, I just, like, that was me having me go. And I also think that, like, what goes, what you do if it's meant to be, like, you can't fuck it out. Yeah, and I don't, he's not the guy for me, but it would, you know, should have. But it was part of, he, he was hurt because you were taking the power back by going and not caring. Right.

So, hang on that. Last one. When was the last time you lusted over someone? Oh, my gosh. This guy. Oh, you're immediate. She's like, I've been waiting to talk about this. He, I don't know how this.

He just, like, he hooked up with a friend of mine. It's just probably not going to happen. like a while ago he hooked up with your friend yeah yeah i don't know just you're gonna listen i don't whatever i had like a dream about i like a sex dream about him i find him so hot like he sent me like a couple videos not like sexual videos but just like him like jerking off yeah him uh sucking his own dick he had taken his ribs out no um but he's a but he's a god he was in a corset it was rob no um i just i like very i like want him really badly and I just think it's weird with this friend of mine I don't know I don't know if he's like

listening to my podcast aside from mine but yeah I just I'm just like I get rid of her for you just kidding she's a little scary too okay I think she would fight back I'd actually like to see you two in a fight you have the same sturdy legs um no I just like I don't know we run into each other around the neighborhood sometimes and I'm just like god damn it like I I only know him through her so it's not like I is she like not over him no no it's not even like that it's just he's also not really pursuing me. I think he thinks it's weird too, but you know that happens. You're like, damn it. I wish I would have to this guy first. I love talking about threesomes. I've never had a three-sum, but I'm always like, you guys should have a three. Maybe we should have a three-suff

a threesome. Yeah. Like that starts. And then, or no, here's what I should do. I should be like, hey, we're having a threesome, come over. And then I tell the dormant not to let her back. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm like, well, you're here. We should just get started. Or yeah, like, she didn't show. Or just tell him. And then be like, oh, my God, the texting didn't go through to her and then when she finds out I'm like your phone's broken bitch you need to check that like you I obviously texted you first girl do you need any money is your phone did your phone get cut off girl you're still on your parents plan because that shit would happen all the time but I am I am too okay no are you serious 100% why would I ever get off of it my dad is so annoying we're like he's like

you make money now I still go pay 40 bucks for you and I'm like he's like you owe me half a million dollars from all your tennis and I'm like okay cool it's more like I don't think the logistics of it like I don't want to have to pay it's cheaper for us all to be in the same it is cheaper and also my parents so they are they're cool but I wouldn't call them tech savvy yeah like they're they're hip and they're cool and they have iPads and iPhones and stuff like that but they're not really tech savvy so like and my dad is like so much more impatient and like angry than me so he cannot deal with any customer service people so anything that goes wrong with Verizon or they travel and I need to I do it all so I am their customer service person and liaison so that's why they're paying my

basically getting paid to be that person. They should actually pay me more. Because when they went to, like, Ireland recently, I had to call Verizon, I had to update their plans and all this other stuff. Also, I recently did have to, like, I had to get unlimited data for me, so I just slowed down my mom's phone a little bit. And I didn't. She doesn't need, she doesn't need to be.

But the other day I was with her, and she's like, my phone has been so slow lately. And I was like, fuck. Oh, my God. You are a terrible human. That is the most fucked up thing of everything in my life. I didn't think she was browsing. What is she doing? What is she doing online?

Like, I only thought she was, like, texting and calling. making calls. I didn't know she was browsing the internet for literally anything. And so she's like, my phone has been so slowly. I'm like, oh, my God, that's so weird. That is, yeah, pay 20 extra bucks to speed your mom's phone back up. I will, yes, I will. As soon as we get done here. What's funny is my dad's the opposite. He lives for customer service calls.

Like, he's in sales. And he loves to just like, fuck with them. And like, he will get his. So I'm actually he's paying me for him to have his, I'm literally like, dad, just send a customer service email. And he's like, no, I'm waiting on the phone. Whenever I go to the He's waiting. He has some, like, music on because he's on hold and he's like, I'm going to get this fucker. He's thriving. He's thriving. So I'm helping him by having a family plan. I like to wrap all episodes up with one final question. God. What did he? Every question. You're like, do I have to answer questions? Like, what how much worse could this get?

How kind of fucked a podcast is this? Tell me what facial feature you hate the most. Tell me does your vagina smell? That's burning in hell. I'm like, we're going to do a vagina smell test. You ready? And then I'm going to rank it. by the rank we have the guys come in how rank it is you're gonna like circle my fat you bring out a Sharpie you're like

it's all of a sudden it's sorority rush you're like I heard you hate it your love handles you like circle my love handles and bright red Sharpie I know what I hate about you but what do you hate about you it's literally like

I've never been in sorority but that's what I would do oh we would be so bad me and you in sorority I know so the final question is a lot of people would love advice

on how do you cope with your hell? Like when you're in hell, what do you do? So for me, personally, I have to, like, go the healthy route. So, like, working out is, like, huge for me. Like, I don't know what I would be. What workouts do you do? I do hot yoga. Like, that's where I, when I really need to, like, get more centered and go and, like,

sweat it out. I go to Y7. It's hip-hop yoga. So there's, like, hip-hop music and the sweating and it's dark. You know, I can see. It was my religion. Like, it got me out of my breakup. Yeah, I went to another studio today.

I'll never do that again. Because I just didn't care about Gucci-Main. Like, I like Gucci-Main, but I just didn't care about a whole hour of Gucci-Mane songs because that was their theme today on Hip-Up Wednesday. So I just went to try this other place. I didn't like it. It's right in your hair. A Y-7.

I went to another one because I'm like, is there other yoga in the city I want? No, there's not. No. I'm only at Y-7. And, like, I'll go to, like, flywheel, and that's a great cardio for me. I like sit-down cardio specifically. And, like, S-L-T, but I don't go to S-L-T to, like, I go to fly-wheel or yoga to get it out of my system. Yeah.

Like, that's what, even when I have done therapy and stuff, they're like, you're a person that needs to, like, let these things leave your body. And then, um, I just have to, like, get back on track. Like, I just have to, like, not drink as much, eat healthy. Like, I have to, like, stay the course or I'll get, like, really far off the course. Yeah. But it is, like, I'm the same way. And that comes with knowing your body. Like, sometimes I'm like, I literally just haven't drank enough water in the last five days and I'm, like, having a mental breakdown.

Yeah. Or sometimes it's like, stay hydrated, bitches. Yes. Stay hydrated. Say, don't be thirsty. say and sometimes I feel like a dog that needs to be run like I'm just like yeah an anxious bitch and I'm just like oh I just need to get on elliptical or yeah it's it's it's my thing like I can't like I'll start like snapping at people like I'll just be like a worse version of

myself like that's rain is like but you need to go to yoga like I'll go to yoga like I'll go to yoga like I'll like need to clear it out when do you go like in your because my thing is my schedule so random that I haven't found a consistency and the next thing I know it's like a week I'll go whatever I'm not a morning person so like like 10 is usually the earliest, but every once in a while I'll do like a 9.30, nothing ever before that. Oh, God, no. But usually, I'm like a noon.

Like most of my work, I would say like across the board, if you look at like my workout schedule, like 80% or noon classes. That's midday. Amazing. We should do some. Okay, let's do it. We should do some. Ashley Heseltine, you are a queen.

You're incredible. God, you are too. Thanks for having me. Thank you for coming to hell. This has been like, I've been wanting you on for a while, but I don't want you right after Raina and then it was like, shit happened. And now we're here. Yeah.

um where can people follow you where can people what live shows you've come up give me some push some stuff yeah um you can follow me on instagram ash hess ash hess and girls got to eat podcast on instagram hilarious both hilarious both verified um and then um yeah we have all of our live shows at actually stupid live shows dot com or girls got eat podcast dot com awesome and also i just started a patreon where i'm doing some solo episodes i know we'll see we'll see how it goes yeah but i figure like summer house comes out i can like do some talk about what's going on and just talk about some shit that like behind a paywall i feel like i'll get in trouble for we we did that we like um we just ended up not having the time but the patreon was like we felt safer to talk about this stuff

was like a controlled audience so we like not that we don't let it rip on the podcast but we answered a bunch of stuff people wanted to know that wasn't necessarily episode podcast release people were like we wouldn't know what you guys were like in your 20s and we were like drunk slots let's get into it and so we did a whole episode called like drunk slots or something on Patreon. We just felt safe. I just have some stuff that, like, I'm afraid, like, networks will get mad if I say. And it's only your fans. It's the people who, like, really care.

There's no negative feedback on there. Yeah, no one's, like, sending this out. Like, how dare she say that? So I, um, I'm really excited about seeing where Patreon goes for a bit and I'll, and see what happens. But anyway, thanks for coming to hell, everyone, and I will talk to you later. Bye.