Berner Phone - Benedict Polizzi: Sleep Paralysis Demons & Scalp Surgery

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

I met Ben at a comedy club in Indianapolis and he looks like he was the captain of a football team but has the personality of the class clown who was always kicked out for giggling too much. His comedy videos go viral all over the internet. He makes fun of pumpkin spice, guys who get into fights, and trying to talk to women. Enjoy this hilarious episode in hell!--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/berninginhell/support Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

She lofted one up to me, and I fucking hit it so hard back, and it hit her right in the boobs. And I will never fucking forget that. And I was just like, the face she made, I was like, okay, I'm going to go back outside. Like, that was just the last time I played an actual pet. Welcome to Burning and Hell. We have an Italian stallion from the Midwest on the pod today. I'm so excited to have him on. This creepy motherfucker DM me on Twitter, like a Kenyan king.

I don't know what he was doing. And I answered, so who's weirder? We did full business in Twitter DMs. I spent the weekend with him in Indianapolis, and he is now here in hell. Ben Politsi, what the fuck is up? What's happening? I'm chilling in this weird room, but we're, we're, We're here. We did it. 20 minutes later, we're on. Popping. So I fell in love with Indiana this last

weekend with you guys. Are you serious? You're the first person that's ever said that. I live here. I'm like, I don't really know. Look up. Yeah, like Sarah, who was on the show with us, at Sarah Pop-Tarts, follow her. We went and got brunch. There was like no one at the bar, no weight. Ben was serving us drinks. He didn't do a good job, but it was the thought that counted it was nice but you were so fucking funny ben like i didn't i followed you on ticot that's how i know you're funny because i have good taste yeah yeah and you've blown the fuck up on ticot your stand-up is getting incredible momentum your instagram was also getting momentum because i've been tagging you in things yeah no shit is the only reason

every time you tag me i'm like that's 200 followers thank you Hannah very responsible for all of it i know i'm i'm going to venmo you later but you you have the best laugh you have the goofiest silliest sense of humor i feel like we're kindred spirits but i'm about to like get a little deeper because we just had a light a light fun weekend you know yeah yeah yeah yeah nothing crazy we're just it was surface level yeah i want to make you cry let's do it i know you can i know you have so i just want to say in seventh grade You and your cousins made S&L-style skits every day in the summer, which is adorable. And after making your family laugh who doesn't think anything is funny, you knew you wanted to do it for the rest of your life.

What does that mean that your parents, your family doesn't, they're hard to laugh? You know, yeah, does your, like, family, do they laugh at shit you say? Like, when you're obviously funny. I mean, like, officially funny, but, like, does your family laugh at you? My family is just like, Jesus Christ. So how'd you know you're funny if the people who love you the most can't even give you a mercy laugh? Well, I mean, they will like actually funny the laugh. But like growing up, it was just like shit.

You know, I had to work for it. And I think that's what made me want to be funny today, you know? It was just like, damn, I cannot make my dad laugh for shit. And the first time I got them, I was like, all right, there it is. This is what I want to do. It was like rare. And I was like, all right, I've never seen him like that happy in my life. honestly so it was just one of those things i think my dad loves me yeah he's like don't go too far right

it's a like it's a strong like but i feel like we're similar because we were goofy as children and then we got like really good looks and athletic abilities and we were like oh maybe we should like we can do anything we want yeah yeah but then now we're back being sad clowns on stage trying to get strangers to like us how did you get there how did i get on stage yeah like how are you now doing stand-up versus you were doing sports you were doing um sports broadcasting right those are respectable careers yeah all right so early in my life we made these videos and stuff just when i was with my cousins and it was fun yeah i liked making people laugh it was it was just a good time and then i got into athletics just like you and like you know so

much goes in it's like having a job basically when you're in college like you have no time to do anything especially with school work and shit like that. So I kind of lost sight of all that. And it was just like, you know, I still was on Twitter and all those kinds of things. But I couldn't really put time into like that part of my life. So I was just concentrating on football, football. And then I got like in the corporate world a little bit. And I was like, I can't do this shit.

I hate this shit. Like when I was working at my desk, I was just listening to like funny personalities and comedians and podcasts. And I was like, that's what I want to do. So I thought about that. and I started doing some broadcasting stuff, some radio stuff. And then I met my friend Joey Molanaro, who works for Barstool. He's in the same radio station as me. And we're just like, man, we're both here just like slaving away.

Why don't we like, I don't know, make some funny content. So we just started making videos. And I was like, you know what? I've always wanted to do stand-up. And like, while I'm like doing these funny videos and stuff like that, like, why don't I just try to get on stage? Got on stage and then just kept going with it. And that's how I met you.

wow that was great we got all the logistics out the way which is really good but i want to know when someone meets you it's like you seem very confident you're funny you're good looking what do you hate about yourself uh what do i hate um dude i get nervous like i get nervous I think I get the most nervous of all time Like nobody gets more nervous Nobody gets more nervous than me But it's funny because you were like a collegiate athlete That was a lot of pressure

Nerves you had to handle No I was like that for you Yeah because you're playing tennis That's one on one I'm on a team of 95 bros Like that's not too Like I'm not just solo You could be like picking your nose

While someone's getting a touchdown And you're like yeah bro I got a squad of fuck boys with me it's nothing yeah but I don't know man I get nervous what I hate about myself oh but that's funny you oh this is good we're gonna unravel you okay so we were in the green room and the crowd was small one night and I remember you laying on the floor and we didn't know it to her that well but I was like why is this motherfucker laying on the floor and then you were like I'm gonna throw up and I was like why are you going to throw up and then I was like

good luck and then i realized it was because you're so nervous i was like was the mushroom sandwich like not that good like what no dude it was just going out there i don't know it's hard to do it in front of like six people sometimes you know not that your nerves go away when you're on stage uh maybe like when i tell they're into it then i'm like okay we're doing this but before it's like who knows you know so that's where that's where i get nervous like i haven't done I've done it a million times, but I'll get nervous every single time. And I don't like my voice. What's wrong with your voice?

You ever just hear yourself and you're like, what the fuck? Yeah, every day. I think I sound like I just woke up all the time. Well, it's funny because when I first met you, I felt like your voice was, like, more southern than I thought. But then I realized Indianapolis is southern. Like, you guys are like the South. No, it's not. it's right it's right by michigan michigan's north as shit

what's underneath indianapolis what state Kentucky pretty south it's kind of south it's getting south i just yeah it was joking all weekend that you sound like this assistant football coach didn't know you're involved in football i just can tell these things but you have a little drawl but you have the best laugh like i would rather not like my voice but have the most epic laugh than have a laugh that like

ruins conversations because people have those kind of laughs you know yeah yeah well thank you some people sometimes i think that gets kind of annoying too like i did a i did a podcast one time like a solo podcast and i just kept laughing throughout the whole thing and one of the reviews under the podcast was like if this guy didn't laugh like a creepy clown every five seconds i might be able to listen and i was like okay this the problem with the trolls they know exactly what your deepest insecurities are and they will find them but the same reason that guy hates you is why people probably love listening to you because they love creepy clown noises also you said you said you were bad at talking to girls yeah is that

true uh-huh do you get nervous i don't really have a plan of attack when i go in to talk to girls you know what i mean some guys have like i feel like having a plan of attack is creepy but those guys know the game you know like they've studied it they've read up on it they know it works what doesn't work like I didn't do any of the research I'm just like I go up there I don't know like it's just kind of an I don't know game plan I'm like so uh what's up and then the guys are like and in three two one touch your elbow yes and now she's feeling connected that always works touch your lower back check it's funny because you must look you look so confident on stage like you have the balls talking in front of all these people but so girls probably think that you're very confident

with talking. Do you think you're online and your stand-up persona is different than you in real life? Yeah, I think so. Because stand-up, you know, you've ran through those bits. Like, it's, it's kind of, but in real life, when it's live, like, I can go like six words without messing up a word. You know what I mean? I can't, I can't go past like nine words without about being like, you know what I'm doing, thinking, what? Like, you know, it's just, I'll fuck up a word. Every ninth word I say. I'll stutter every now and then.

Your lips are like ahead of your teeth and you're just like, lebed above. Or like halfway between a word. I'm like, I wonder if I should use that other word. That would have been good. And then I'll try to switch it at the last minute. And I'll say two words at once. You start using essentially and you've never said that word before.

And sometimes it works. I'm like, damn, that worked out well. And sometimes it's like, fuck, man. we restart I think I'm bad because I I'll say something like super inappropriate

like when I'm nervous I'll try to make someone laugh and I'll say something inappropriate like joking but it's almost good because you weed out the guys without a sense of humor or the guys that are like

that was fucking too much and I'm like it was too much it gets a little too dark too quick and you're like oh that's my real personality who exactly but you're on the football team so like you could get away with like being dumb like girls weren't talking to you for you to like give them a thesis on the history of anything they knew they knew

they knew what was going on but i think to be funny like you have to be smart even though you look like you punch walls every night as enjoyment like i think you're smart it's a shock factor you know people see me on stage and they're like holy shit backwards hat dot com on stage right now and then i might say something that's like okay all right i get i get it so that's yeah i try to work on being relatable stuff like uh but yeah you're right you're like i'm trying to have be understood by normal people and think like normal people so also i want to know with your nerves and stuff do you have anxiety all done every second i'm i i didn't really know what anxiety was honestly uh like i knew i kind of people talked about it and i was like i don't think i

know what it is until i started working at a restaurant then it hit me stand up not so much i get it like i knew it was going to be stressful whatever but i didn't feel real anxiety until i worked at a restaurant that's a different fucking animal and it's not because of like you know a rude table or like impatient people like i felt anxiety when i had to change change the channel on TV in front of a full restaurant like that shit you just forget how your thumb works you're like what how does this joint even move it happened the other day and I was like I haven't watched TV at my house in like 10 years like what makes you think I know how to fucking turn on this TV that I've never seen in my life TVs are fucking complicated why do they

need two remotes like we could like seven yeah and like like like like I don't know any channels. Like, hey, turn the Colts game on. I'm like, bro, what channel is that? 13 fucking, there's like 13.248 repeating. I'm like, it's just, it's a mess. It happened the other day. And I was like, I haven't felt this kind of fucking pain in a long time.

And you're on the internet a lot. And the internet has probably brought you a lot of joy because you could share your art. But does the internet ever add to your anxiety? Yeah, that's, Yeah, that's like pretty much all of it. Because, like, you've got to, you've got to post, you got it all the time, you got to be on it all the time, you've got to be doing your thing.

I remember, like, one day, Instagram shut down for, like, half the day, and I was like, thank fucking God. Like, I can just breathe for a second. Like, it was good. But at the same time, like, the internet pushes you to be a lot better because you've got to force yourself to put shit out there and do things you're uncomfortable doing and shit like that. Have you gone?

happier since getting 700,000 TikTok followers? Yeah, I mean it's like good but I think I should probably be doing more on TikTok. Like on like, it was like my it was like on Christmas. My mom called me and she was like hey, you should be working harder on TikTok. Like my mom said that. I was like mom fuck off. Like you don't know. But then I was like damn my own mom said that. Yeah, I should probably try it.

But it means she sees potential and you right right that's good that's good but yeah like tictock's fun and it's i did grow a lot on there but i'm like damn my mom even thinks i'm like slacking are you critical of your videos though like do you are you perfectionist with them or do you feel pretty loose with them all no um i wish i could be i wish i could be like you with posting videos on the internet you don't give a shit and they're Oh, so much. You don't give a shit, dude. Like, you'll post anything anytime.

We were doing that past the phone challenge or our hand the phone challenge. And I didn't, I was like, damn, I don't know if that was that great. You're like, I just posted it. I was like, but I, like, every time, like, I've been thinking about the way you post videos for the last week. I'm like, damn, I'll probably post that right now. I'm going to, too. Like, you're an inspiration. I was like, she doesn't give a shit.

That makes me so happy, because I give so many shits about so many things, but then I'll have a weird, some things I, like, take huge risks with, and then normal things other people would be like, just get a haircut. I'd be like, I can't, I can't do it. No, no.

Yeah, the little thing, yeah, but TikTok, you could, you're just like, fucking, I'm putting on there. Well, my strategy with TikTok has been just, like, blurry post everything and see what hits, but I'll see you, like, you'll post funny shit on Instagram, and I'll be like he should just post it on TikTok like just feed the algorithm give it what it wants see what happens because what you post on funny video you think everyone's going to unfollow

you no they're they probably like you at that point anyway and they're yeah to me it's kind of like look I'm trying I'm out here in the streets trying my best out here in the streets every time you post one of those videos about not knowing how to spell words I watch those probably seven times each one like how does you know this is when I'm writing them I'm like oh I hope I write this word right? Yeah, you should just misspell every single one. I'm also like trying to do TikTok in a way that like my Gen Z friends are like, yeah, Hannah's legit, but then also still being like, millennials, I'm okay.

Like, they haven't trapped me. Like, I'm still here. Like, I'm trying to take trends, but also I just want to be like, it's coffee. You have a really good, I love when you make fun of girls. I think it's great. I think I think you with the nail on the head Because so many guys do it But yours is uniquely funny

Is there a girl in mind When you're acting like You're like girls in the fall or the spring Shit Kind of just basic bitches in general Yeah you want a full name Girls in the Fall That was the first video I did that like

Actually kind of went Like got good numbers I don't know what I think it came from a tweet and the girl that tweeted it was just so like fucking I can do this I can do this but there's nobody really in general

that I'm thinking about for stand-up though there is an ex-girlfriend that was just like that I talk about a lot and that comes from her like a lot of things does she know you talk about her I don't even know

I think she stays away like she would just pronounce a lot of words wrong and stuff like that oh yeah in my head i'd just be like what the fuck and it's just i do like that bit you talk about someone could be so attractive but they say something weird and you just lose all attraction to them i was like you know what never mind i can't do it anymore i also i also want to know because we covered anxiety what about the other half depression where are you out with that where am i out with depression i try not to think about that too much because like i've been uh like you ever have some like weird dark thoughts you know every day uh yeah you're like right now right now

i try not to go there with depression i'm like ah don't do it because i'll like i don't i just have a thing that like you ever have a weird dark thought and you just like do you watch saw movies at all like you know about that horror movies yeah this is so fried but like like i just kind of i just when i have a weird thought i'm just like that little saw guy on his tricycle is going to come right around the corner because you know he like he like punishes people in the movies for like having like bad like not respecting life thoughts and i'm like i just got to stay away from all that shit that's fucking genius Ben, that's genius.

In the spiritual world, they're like, you're going to get thoughts and you just don't want to attach on to them and give them energy. I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck that means. Give them energy. But it's true, like, you can't stop the thought from coming in, but you can stop how you react to it. But in my anxiety head, I'm like, okay, this came for a reason. We need to think of every possible situation that could go wrong with this thought.

No. Don't even start. Two hours are ruined. And then, like, something will happen. Like, you have phone call from a friend and you forget. about it and you're like oh that was made up that right you just got to let your ADHD you got let your ADHD do it yeah or just have an envision like fuck these energies bullshit shocker shit like envision that little saw saw dude yeah coming around the corner you're like my life's

fuck yeah like final destination shit exactly so that's how I block it out I love how saw has created such a big influence in your life it really has you you talked about that video the millennial Saw Millennial video? Holy shit. I did that in this building, actually. You have this incredible Saw video where he's like, if millennials were in Saw and he's fucking around, they're like, you have to write a check. And he's like, bro, I don't know how to write a check.

I'm butchering it. You guys should watch it. But it ends with, I'm going to release all your TikTok drafts. And you're like, now! What are your TikTok drafts like? I want to know. Oh, my God. I probably have, damn, I could look at it right now, but something will happen in my phone will break.

But it's like, I probably have maybe 200 TikTok drafts of just me trying to do different trends and me like Halfway ideas that I'm like checking out if it would work on the shit like if those all got if those all got released like I don't You're right people might unfollow me for that shit. You're like no one's going to unfollow if you post bad content. I post all my Twitter or all my ticot graphs like bye bye people start recording it it's funny because when you're telling that story I'm like there are so many videos that should have just stayed as drafts that I was like fuck it

but that's the problem with TikTok like yesterday I was doing my makeup on the floor and I know it's like a thing where girls are like me doing your makeup on the floor is fun so I just was like doing on your makeup is amazing on the floor that's a shit video but it gets like 25,000 likes I just know what stupid shit TikTok is going to attach to people are like fuck this burning hell podcast it just turns into hannah complaining about tic-tok but you know what this shit is relevant that's life tic-tac is life you can learn some shit from tic-tok people that aren't on tic-tok i'm like

what are you doing well the tic-tac algorithm knows you more than your best friend and like something happened to me with like a friend actually not my best friend and i was like researching like toxic relationships and then some girl pops up the next day and they're like are you worried that you're in an abusive friendship. I'm like, bitch, how did you find me? Exactly. But then like, TikTok listens to everything. TikTok's still talking about your abusive friend.

I'm like, no, we made up. Like, we're good, TikTok. TikTok, listen to me. Yeah, but yeah, so your feed is probably your four you page is like toxic TikTok right now. Yeah, it depends on my mood. Like, you know I'm doing well. My TikTok is like fun shit. But when you woke up and it's like, are you finding life meaningless?

I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore. What's your TikTok look like? What's your 4U page look like? My 4U page is like, oh, since I just did TikTok with that Justin Bieber song. Oh, yeah, Justin Bieber song and that Kid LaRoy song. So it's just all of that shit. Which is kind of, damn, I can't even fucking. I'm like, what's straight boy TikTok look like?

Straight boy TikTok is boring. I mean, at the beginning, it's a lot of girls dancing and shit, but I'm like, I cannot have this on my phone. So I started like, you know, there's an option that's like, don't show me any more of this content. Every time I was like, dude, like, if somebody sees me watching this, fuck. That's kind of straight boy TikTok. It's a lot of bros on my shit. It's a lot of, like, lifting. Speaking of lifting, I want to know, you love working out.

How do you think that affects your mental health and how do you get yourself to work out every day? and not just being like a guido like what is it for real I kind of was freaking out because I didn't work out before this podcast like that was on my mind this morning I was like I need work out beforehand this podcast where I'm gonna be fucking all upset and weird

like that's like that's like my it's like your Snickers bar exactly like if I'm feeling weird all I got to do is work out and I'm good to go but I haven't worked out yet

so I'm feeling kind of weird you're like jittery your ADD's going it is something that like I think people underestimate how much just like moving your body can help but the problem is when you're depressed you don't want to move your body but like at all

if you went to a psychic what would you want to know about your future if I went to a psychic I would be like holy shit I'm so I'm so terrified of psychics like i don't even go near them because i don't want to know like imagine if they really told you the truth like hey bro it's not gonna happen you'd be like ah like where you go from there

so you think about your career first hell yeah what do you want what do you manifesting i would like to be great at stand-up and then maybe if that takes me into like acting that would be awesome too yeah i could see you acting that's just kind of a plan that's you know got some work to do so they'd be like Ben so if the psychook was like Ben you're not going to be the next Iron Man I'd be like no

like Ben and then I just then I see the little saw guy around the corner and I'm like fuck here we go the psychic is just your mom being like if you don't work hard for a second you're going to suck it like

it's your Mom. Okay. Also, I have to talk about this story because I did some research into you. You don't have a lot of shit online. I'm not going to lie. You have some like old photos, but I listened to one of your episodes about your surgery with your hair grafting. You've heard that shit? I listened to the first like 15 minutes. I was dying laughing. Can we talk about this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you balding?

Yeah, I was getting pretty thin. It wasn't like super noticeable. Yeah, like I don't see any photo where I thought you were even really thinning. But it was like getting... You think you're being a little paranoid? I was super paranoid. You were getting ahead of it. I was trying to get ahead of it.

But like, you know, hair's falling in the sink. Like, you know, I'm trying to like, I'm trying to like be like cool. I can't be bald and cool. You know what I mean? I feel like guys in their mid-20s are so, like, that is their saw. They're like, you're going to lose your hair. Like, I would date dudes and they would pull their hair back and they'd be like, am I losing my hair?

And I'm like, if you keep pulling it back like that, yeah. What do you, if, okay, you're about to see this guy. And, well, this is before you're engaged and he, like, you're like into it, whatever. And you notice his hair is like super thinning. Are you like, ah? Or are you like, fuck it. Who cares? Well, I'm pretty shallow.

I'm not going to lie. a shallow bitch um is he tall no i'm just kidding so i think i think it's how you own it like it's how you wear it like if you could tell he's super like subcon like i don't know like but i feel like any guy would i mean my dad's hair hair has been thinning for like the last 20 years and he won't he's like should i just shave it i'm like dad like you like just he should anyway it's i get it it's frustrating but I think so you were saying like you didn't even like talk to your parents about it really like you just decided to do it no I just kind of did it I was like yo uh I like went into a consultation thing it was just like what's up what do you guys think and they took pictures of the top of my head

like just normal ass pictures on an iPhone and I looked at it and I was like I'm doing this it wasn't like some something some picture they tweaked I just saw the top of my head and it looked like a fucking lawnmower went through it and I was like all right what and there's like you know it was like kind of expensive but you can like it's manageable you can like do payment plans and shit and I was like if I can do it I'm doing it

and my family is like all right like honestly my dad didn't even really have any idea of what I was getting into I was like dad I need a ride he said your dad was like when's your flight I was like dad I need a ride to the fucking procedure place And he was like, wait, what are we doing?

Like, he literally thought I was just going out of town for a week. I was like, okay. Because I never told, like, growing up, I never told my parents shit just because, like, they had other things to do. And I was just like, all right. Okay. You're such a dude. You're the one that mom's, like, I haven't heard from Ben in four months, but, like,

I think he's doing well. Exactly. Whatever. His last TikTok was pretty good. I mean, he should work hard on them, but they're pretty good. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship.

There's no doubt in that, and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMPA playoffs are here, and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels. and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars.

So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way. And we're hoping to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship? to be a failure from this year?

I wouldn't say anything is a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that, and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams.

The WMBA playoffs are here, and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars.

So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way and we're hoping to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHeart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. So you got it done And it worked We're a year out Yeah I think it worked

It looks great Thank you Are you just saying that See now I'm self-conscious again I'm like should I get another one? No like because I thought it was a joke And then I like this episode popped up And I was like what is this

But that's scary like to go under For like something that you don't like really need Like did you ever think like what if I die in the surgery and that's how people remember me. I was kind of just like, fuck it. Yeah. Let's just do it. And like, and it happened.

Like, they had to put me under. And every time I go under, like, and they'd knock me out for a surgery or something, I always fuck something happens that I wake up. And this time, it happened. Like, it actually happened. It was halfway through the procedure. And I fucking just start getting up after I should be like knocked out. And they're like, whoa, whoa, where are you going?

And I was like, I thought my alarm went off. like that's my anxiety that's how much anxiety i have i can't even get a fucking hair i miss glass i miss glass i have a dream every fucking night but um you oh you did something so hilarious you said you recorded a surgery once you went under you put voice memo on like a stand-up set and put it in your pocket and then listen to it afterwards were you like nervous to listen to it afterwards yeah i was but that's the moment where i figured that I hate my voice because I was like you know when you just wake up I was like

kind of on drugs and I was like I was just saying shit and I could like hear them banging shit my arm and like talking and like kind of laughing I was like what are they laughing about like I just they're like that kid's voice is hilarious right they were just talking about like

normal procedure shit but it really hit me after everything happened and I woke up and I was like talking to the nurse and she was like do you need a drink or anything I'd be I was like, oh, Gatorade would be cool. I was like, I hate my fucking voice. Like, just, it was just so, like, tired and weird.

And I was just, dude, I sound like such a bro when I'm like, listen to it. And now that's all I hear every time I talk. Yeah, you need the sawman to come through because that's all in your head. I got my appendix out. And I don't know what happened when I was under, but the surgery. were shuck when I woke up what did you do they said I tried to escape and then knowing me I know I fucking hit on all the doctors like because one of them was hot and I just know and you know I wasn't like hey you know I said some like aggressive stupid shit like the guys looked like they

need to be in therapy deep therapy session after whatever happened with me what I and but they would never tell you what really happened because it's so embarrassing yeah and I don't think that can tell you, right? Isn't it like under contract that they can't share anything? Like you said, it's just weird to like be unconscious but talking and then suddenly gain conscious and be talking. Basically everyone treated me weird after that. Like they were cool with me when I went in and afterwards they were like, don't make eye contact with her. And I was like, damn. What did I say? I was like, I have bigger issues. Like my stomach's ripped apart. I don't need to be worried if you guys are mad at me. as you make fun of the hot doctor the whole entire surgery yeah yeah who knows who knows what my

sick mind was doing okay ben you're doing amazing how are you feeling just check up like right now i'm good good i love how i said your name and you were like hey who are you where are we no it reminded me anytime anyone says my name i have full attention i just never expect it yeah it's nice did your parents not call you by your name growing up they were just like kid hey kid get over here no they they gave me benny every once in a while and that's nice but when i hear somebody say ban i'm like oh shit what's up what i do well your name is benedict and it's funny because i when i first got picked up to go to the comedy club i realized your name is benedict and i was like he definitely doesn't go by benedict and for

some reason i was like is so benny's going to be there i called you benny you said that and the guy was like oh yeah Ben I just assumed you went by Benny for some reason then the guy was like oh yeah Ben and I was like duh it's Ben

stupid stupid but like maybe he thinks that's like what I call you we're gonna have a final game Benny all right let's do it and it's called the seven deadly sentence so it's about to get a little darker okay all right

Seven Deadly Sins What are you greedy about? Fuck, man. I didn't know this, you were my psychic. Like, fuck. What am I greedy about? I'm greedy about probably attention.

I'm big, I'm annoying as fuck when it comes to attention and stuff like that. I'm annoying as fuck in general, but like, you know when you're when you're doing something and and like uh maybe you're at like a party or something or a group event and somebody's just taking all the funny out of the room and you're just like god damn i'm like i'll give me some of that and i'll try to i'll try to fucking like i'll try to get one in there too like you know what i mean like i'm greedy with shit like uh i hate that

shit i'm like come on let us be funny too well i find being a comedian there's a lot of comics once they walk in a room like they take all the air and you just have to don't compete just be like this is there they're doing it or you got to leave i feel that you have to leave but i'm proud of you that you decided i want attention that's what makes me happy and i'm gonna like i feel like the hardest part of being a comedian or an actor is saying that you admitting you want to be a comedian or actor you know yeah it is it's part of it like yeah i'm in a little attention mention horror pretty much so let's let's buy my tickets that's pretty much

what I'm saying Who are you envious of besides me on TikTok? Seriously Honestly people that don't give a fuck Like you honestly you I give I care way too much I can't wait too much

No you don't you don't give a fuck and it's good That's why everybody loves you Because you don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck at times But sometimes I don't I care way too much I'm literally envious of you Fuck you This is what I'm gonna say to that

I equally give a fuck But I'll never let it stop me from like doing something Yeah But that's like a masochistic thing No like if I'm like oh like people might not like this Or like this joke might be stupid Like I'm still gonna do it And deal with it after

Yeah to see how it goes no yeah so you're still doing like you're not letting that stop you yeah yeah but then i'll like still hate myself after but i'm i'm not gonna not try something because i'm scared what are you gluttonous about so this is not greedy this is more like what do you overindulge in it could be like physical things or i overindulge um probably when we get past like 11 p.m any you know night of the week, I'm eating everything inside. Like, I will eat, I'll eat the worst shit. And it'll fuck me up the whole next day.

Like, and I know it. I'm sabotaging myself the whole entire next morning. I feel like you're such a funny girl on TikTok because, like, you would be the funniest girl in real life, like, if you were a girl. Because you are, you called yourself fat this last weekend. And you have, like, shredded abs. And I was like, this is another fucking crazy. You were like, bro, I thought I was fat this morning. And I was like, who?

First of all, you wake up in the morning. You know you're thinnest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you're not, like, it's legit. You know what I mean? Would you get lipo if you got fat? Morning skinny. Yeah, just like my hair.

I would do that next fucking day. I'd wake up during that surgery too. So you're mean to yourself if you eat something bad? Oh, I'm bad, yeah. I'll go to sleep right after and try to forget about it. That's why I do it so late at night. I'm a little bitch like that. I'm like, oh, God, I just ate eight cookies.

Then I'll go to sleep and wake up and be like, hmm, why do I feel like shit? Every night. So I have this friend, her name's Emma Wilman, very funny comic, who has this terrible habit, or she had, I don't know if she's still doing it, where she would sleepwalk snack. So she'd wake up with, like, peanut butter in her bed and be like, what the fuck happened last night? I'm like, that's my biggest nightmare. Like, as a control freak to, like, middle of the night, be like, let's fuck my own shit up. Have you ever sleptwalk? No.

Sleepwalk and eat. How do you not wake up during that? Like, you don't wake up eating? That's a fuck of shit. Oh, she said, so what she started to do is tie herself to the bed, like, in a non-sexual way. So she just, like, can't get to the kitchen. She just has, like, pink, fuzzy handcuffs to her bed at night. Nighty night.

Just a normal routine night, Thursday. Oh, also in my research, I feel like you joke about night terrors or like night demons. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have sleep paralysis. Oh, they fuck with me. I don't fuck with them. Wait, can you explain sleep paralysis to me? Yes.

So you've never had, like, you've never woken up in the middle of the night. Like, okay, you go to sleep, and then, like, seven minutes later. Dude, I fall asleep, like, very quick. Like, I'll be like, all right. I'll be, like, at the end of a story. I'll be gone. I feel like every guy does. Like, you'll be in bed about to cuddle.

Like, you're still, like, getting in your position. You're moving your hair. And he's like, oh, my God. Is that annoying as fuck? Is that annoying? Well, I feel like it's more annoying if it's like, babe, I can't sleep. Like, I'd rather him.

be knocked the fuck out and then I could like be on my phone yeah exactly but no guys fall asleep so fast most I think a lot of girls telling me they're like I need melatonin I need the moon to be in a certain angle I need with you guys why can't you sleep but all during the day all you guys doing all you're doing and talking about it's going to sleep yeah and then when it's time you just describe my entire life that's my existence low key so seven minutes in what what goes down all right So you wake up and your body's completely frozen. Has this ever happened to you when you're sleeping? I feel like in a dream I felt frozen.

Okay. This is real fucking life. So you're in like a sleep state where your eyes are open and nothing else. Everything else is paralyzed because that's like how sleeping works. You know what I mean? But your eyes are open. And this happened to me a lot when I was in college because I don't know. We just lived in like a weird house and this happened to me like.

every single night. So I'd wake up, my body would be frozen, and I'd be like, oh, fuck. And every time that happens, no matter what, 100% all the time, there's a fucked up, like, thing in your room. Doesn't matter. And it happens every, there's never been one time it hasn't happened. It's been a clown. It's been a fucked up, like, monster-looking thing right next to my, like, it's always the weirdest thing. And it happens every single time. It's a fact. How long does it last? It lasts until, like, you snap out of it. And I've had sleep paralysis so many times.

I, like, know how to get out of it in some secret, like, messed up way. Like, I've had sleep paralysis so many times. When I, like, do it and I see that, like, weird-looking clown thing, I kind of, like, roll my eyes. I'm like, bro, what? Like, I'm so over it. Like, I'm not scared. I'm just like, what do you want this time?

So the way you deal with it is by not, like, it's almost like if you get more tense, you get more stuck right and in the beginning it's like smoky weed kind of yeah yeah you can't fight the high I fight the high I'm like I don't like it I fight the high and I'm like oh my god I'm never gonna be the same I can't speak I'm too high how do I get unhigh and everyone's like you can't I'm like ah I'm gonna be like this forever that's what it's like I'm stuck like this I can't for a fucking sentence and everyone's like this is fun I'm like I can't remember the beginning of this sentence.

Every time. Oh my God. I'm the word. I can't smoke weed. I can't. You know what people think I do? Because I giggle a lot and I eat a lot. They're like, have a hit. And I'm like, I want to ruin the party. So you basically tell yourself that you're like, I'm not scared of this

scary clown. Yeah, because I've had it like, you know, almost a thousand times. And by now, I'm just like, you're not going to do anything to me. Just let me know when this is over. Because holy shit. Do you ever talk to a doctor about it or someone to be like what to do about it? I've just kind of researched it on the internet and I'm like okay cool so nothing happens all right it always happens if I sleep on my back like when I sleep on

my back I snore loud as fuck and that probably has to do with like every other thing that's wrong with me like and you're just like it's like a mating call for clowns they're like he's ready for us he's ready here we come in our clown card down the fucking room road. Beepim. But I'm a stomach sleeper. Like, I'm more fucked up. How?

Do you sleep with your leg, like, out? Like, do you sleep like this? Yeah. Okay, that's, no, no. Okay, I start, I start with my leg straight. And then once you're like, I need to release my hip a little. Oh. You open that leg up, bah.

And you're just like, ah, it's open and free. But the problem is you can't sleep with a pillow because you're on your, your, your belly i just said belly you're in your little belly and then your neck will get like stiff so i don't sleep with pillows and i'll sleep off the pillows either really i don't fuck with pillows and i'll sleep with like a corner of a pillow but like yeah i could do a little but i'll sleep with half my head off the bed so i can like get a full air so when you sleep with me i'm in the like i'm halfway off the bed and i don't move like i'm the best person to sleep with every girl ever i don't like cuddling like don't touch me every girl ever is like but this is the fuck dumb thing if you sleep with me my cat's

sleeping too so butters the one cat you're so your cat's fuck with you every cat i've ever seen just doesn't fuck with the owner of the house at all like kind of sometimes your cat's like you i'm her only reason for living like she she doesn't fuck with anyone but me and that's the kind loyalty i want in a relationship if i put my arm out like this he just curls okay that leg because my hip flexes are tight when i open that up i'm like but i don't start like that i like earn it you know anyway a little too many details about my knee i have i have my clown call that's your cat call that oh my god i forgot so ben is really funny because he has he sits so fucking weird on things

I can't believe I'm not doing that now yeah like why do you sit like he'll sit on a like in school did you do this like a full chair you'd have both your feet up on the chair yeah I always sat really weird like in college I always started this like I don't know

what it was maybe I think it's when I started to do yoga like I just I don't know why but then I like in college I sat really weird and I had this black dude was my roommate and he like he didn't want to make fun of the way I sat but you know black people always make everything sounds so fucking cool so he's like yo Benny I was like what's up like as I was sitting all weird he was like yo Benny and I was like what's up he goes cat I was like yeah so ever since then I was like I sit like a cat whatever like every time I'm working on anything I'm sitting

exactly like I was impressed though like you're on a bar stool like I tiny bar stool and you're what six feet whatever and you're putting your whole body on this tiny bar stool i could barely sit like this i could barely sit like this it hurts you did it too it's on podcast i got proof you can with high heels yeah with high heels but i don't know why it just feels good like when you it's that it's that same feeling when you open your leg like when you sleep on your stomach it's the same i'm just like oh thank god hell yeah sitting with two feet on the ground i just i just can't do it I don't know what it is. Okay.

When was, ooh, this is a good one. When was the last time you experienced extreme wrath or anger? Dude, I really try not to get mad

because every time I get mad it's just the most embarrassing thing. Like, I don't know how to get mad. Like, I always, like,

fuck up. Like, everybody was so, like, playing sports, everybody was so mad at me my whole life. I'm just like, fuck that.

The last time I was actually mad, um damn dude that's actually that's a good um i get i get mad at little things like that like that car that just went by and honked yeah like i'll get super pissed when there's like i'm on the phone like the first time i'm ever like i'm on a phone call it never happens

i'm never on the phone and all of a sudden 15 fire trucks will come by i'm like a i get mad at shit like that like i get mad at the wrong things but like i couldn't imagine living in New York where you live. There's a fucking honk every 15 seconds. I mean, I'm freaking out the whole entire day. We live right in front of this like turn onto a bridge

where there's a line for the bridge but then a bunch of assholes always try to cut so then everyone starts honking and it's the fucking worst because it's all because of this fucking bridge and a bunch of assholes. But that's how New Yorkers communicate. They're just like how can I fuck someone up on the

road with my road rage? And then there's people also trying to walk it's a whole thing right outside my peaceful apartment um i'm really bad to get angry too whenever i get mad i i just start crying like if i'm really mad i just start crying and then no one takes your anger seriously because you're crying and then they're like are you okay you're like i'm mad as fuck like i'm not okay don't touch me don't touch me but i feel like yeah i i'm more of a sad than mad when was the last time you were a sloth like when was the last day you didn't even work out like you just did nothing all day. It was kind of recent. I think it might have been after, it was like

Fourth of July weekend. I went to Chicago and met some people and I just got trashed off my ass. And the next day, I couldn't even, like, I couldn't even listen to music on volume two. I was like, no. Like everything was just like, fuck no. Everything was super like, I was annoyed like with the couch. I was like, oh. It was one of those, I didn't do anything. nothing I hated everybody that's a problem with a hangover day though it's not like you're enjoying resting you're like I'm just trying to survive this existence

I had to work and instead of being like hey I'm not gonna be able to make it in I was just like I'm not coming in like there's no fucking chance in hell like it's that bad like I'm just and then your mom was like maybe if you worked harder and stop not going to work that was all that was in my head

but that was probably the last time I love your mom because I found out your mom is this, like, tennis pro in Florida, just living her best life. But then I also have empathy for you because I know what having a tennis brain is like, like... What's tennis brain? Tennis brain is just your like hyper competitive, you're a perfectionist, you are hard on yourself, you're probably hard on others. It's like a, it's a really difficult sport. And if you choose that as your sport, you're a masochist. Yeah, tennis players are fucking weird.

It's a whole, it's a whole country club. It's like tennis brain versus like football brain where your brain is just mashed potatoes. Yeah. So you can actually think. Okay. Sounds good. It's called having a brain. If I could start over, I would play tennis.

My mom always tried to get me to play tennis grown up, but I was that fuckhead kid that would always just try to hit the tennis ball out of the cake, like out as far as I could. Like every time we play. Right, right. me and my mom try like she was like okay benny you want to play like let's try to play and it was like I was in high school and I was like I'm actually going to fucking try to play like I was it I was ready

to go and like I just hit like she she lofted one up to me and I fucking hit it so hard back and it hit her right in the boobs and I will never fucking forget that and I was just like the face she made I was like okay I'm gonna go back outside like that was just the last time I played actual pet

when you fucking hurt your mom in the heart yeah right in the fucking heart it's funny she probably was just hitting you a ball and didn't think you were gonna rocket it yeah but you have no control so you went right towards her of course did your sisters play at all yeah my younger the two sisters played tennis in high school and probably could have played in college but she was like nah whatever she wanted to have a life she was all yes yeah pretty much okay This is the toughest question. When was the last time you let your pride or your ego get in the way of something? God, these are real questions.

What podcast is this? Welcome to hell. Yeah, no shit. The last time... I feel like guys always say, like, oh, wow, you're like asking questions. You get to fucking interview, bra. What fuck do you think this was? I should have prepped.

You prep by just reflecting on who you are in the mirror, just being like, what are you? the last time i let my ego oh my god i feel like i'm in like a confession or something um but it could be like yeah help me out what'd you say it could be like what yeah it could be like in in business in friendships and relationships where you just got a little prideful i guess there is one thing i hate that i wish i could get back that i didn't do because i was like I can't I haven't been I'm like I have too much things going on like I haven't been to any of my friends bachelor parties because I'm like I just can't I just there's other things

I'm doing I just can't like that's me I do that shit too I'm like I can't miss a couple days just getting drunk for what for what that's that's it that's exactly it. Yeah. Like how much of a bitch am I? And I'm not going to tip, but if you guys

get divorced in three years I'm going to be fuck, I miss that weekend. I can't get that weekend back. And also, but bachelor parties are like next level. Like I get scared.

Like I don't even know what you guys do in those. Bachelorette parties. It's like, Dick Strauss. Bachelor parties are just kind of like, okay, let's get trash. And then we're going to end up

at the strip club. And I can't do strip clubs. I just don't. I just, I don't know. I can't do it. it's just kind of like the smell it's not even what's going on inside I'm just like they're like two types of guys guys who like are obsessed with it or guys they're just like yeah

I never it just wasn't my thing I I've been a couple times just because it's like oh check it out you know and it's just not I can't it's the guy at the front desk for me you know I'm just like you always has like a racing jacket on or something he was like this is that guy fuck it's kind of like that those little things for me like it's not even the girls that are naked inside and what's happening in there it's like like the door handle i'm like gross i don't know if i can do this like i went once i went once to strip club when i was in sales with my like co-worker and these girls are dancing it was like a weird place in queens like it wasn't like one of the nice places and but these girls are dancing and but these girls are dancing

and I have like a dollar and I just I was like I feel like I'm disrespecting this girl to give me her a dollar and they're like she wants it and I was like I just feels disrespectful and they were like you're overthinking it I was like yeah one like and then like I guess another dollar I'm like I don't throwing it on this girl I think it's disrespectful they were like this is what she wants you're being disrespectful not paying her and I was like I don't I don't the throwing I don't like it's a weird way like can I just Benmo you and I don't don't want to have a what's your venmo we'll just do that and we'll get out of here all safe and sound you need ride home like all but yeah bachelor parties are there's also so much energy to be like

this needs to be the greatest night of brad's last single life and it's like I can't give that look I can only give that energy like once a year that's too much pressure I like that person enough I don't think I'm going to have a bachelor's party my friends are like mad I don't want you know they're going to make you have one and you know you're going to say yeah i mean i don't think i mean i went to indianapolis last weekend it got fucked up that was my that was it that's the one yeah i was your fucking bridesmaid you're my stripper no we just watched people it was wild we had a wild night that's all i have to say um anyway what was the last time oh okay who basically what was the last time you lusted over someone and i know you have a girlfriend

friend, but I want to know who's your, like, celebrity crush. Dude, I have a weird thing with celebrity crushes on, like, how, I have all these answers. I'm so sorry. I don't have, I can't be like, J-Lo, next question. Like, you know, it's just always like, I have a weird thing with celebrity crushes. Like, I know it's not going to happen for me, so I don't believe in celebrity crushes. I'm like, I'm never going to see that person.

So I'm like, I block them out. I'm like, yeah, she's pretty, but like, I'm never going to see her in my entire life. so I don't have a crush on it's always crushes on people that I'm like like you know be able to do that I'm gonna be able to swing that one there's like every barista you're like that's we're meant to be

together that fucking coffee would hit it the right way that's all it takes for me you put a little you put a little flour in the foam on top of the coffee like I'll be at your Christmas you know what I mean

that's that's some Italian shit though like some guy just gives you food that tastes good and you're like he understands me he's there for me the time that's not telling show love they don't they don't actually say it they just shove parmesan in your face and don't let you leave ever yeah so ben we've gone on a journey together yeah i want to know final question what do you do to cope with your hell so when you're in the dark when you're going through a rough time what advice would you give to the little devil's listening and how to survive.

Little devil's listening. If, okay. Um, this is something I really struggle with. It's just talking to someone about what it is you're all fucked up about. Like I just, when I'm like all messed up and in the dark and like,

I don't know what I'm doing, all it takes is really just talking to someone about what I'm going through. And they help me through it. But it's the part, can't like say the words to them because I'm like you don't care I don't care to tell you like I can't get past that barrier a lot and when I do like it helps a ton I know that's like an actual answer which is weird besides I was like that was surprisingly eloquent you actually followed the rules an hour in thank God it only took an hour no but you're right like sometimes you

can't get perspective when you're so like spiraling when you attach to the thought when you shouldn't have and you're like in it where like when you say it out loud to someone they can give you that perspective you need or you say it out loud and you're like okay this isn't that bad or this this is weird but it's okay exactly i like struggle to say things out loud because it's that i'm always upset about the dumbest things i'm like if i tell this person what i'm upset about they're going to be like that's it like i get or like you don't want people worrying about you like my therapist would be like do you have any friends you would call about this and I'm like I'm not trying to ruin their day with something like dark shit that they don't that I don't

want to burden them with type of thing you know my thing is like I just don't know what to caption this video like I don't know I'm not going to burden them with that question are you serious but like that like and kind of what we talked about earlier like if I like do something active that helps out a lot too because I'll realize like I'll work out or something and I'll be like I'm not shit this isn't shit I'm just going to go and deal with this myself but

like talking to somebody and then like doing some kind of physical activity usually helps me through it and I think that's a tough thing for guys to talk about guys don't talk about anything yeah who do you talk to nobody you

I literally I use my podcast for that a lot of the time like Because I just talk to the wall for a fucking hour. You're actually so good at solo podcast. Do you realize that? I mean, obviously you're a stand-up, but like your solo pod, like I space out in my solo pods or I'll be like, oh, it doesn't make sense. You flow, like you go.

I mean, I'll take some things out that don't make sense every now and then, but I've been doing it for like a hundred weeks in a row. So if I'm not good at being psycho and talking to myself by now, forget it. well you guys have to listen to my episode on the espresso pod it's on his patreon so it's a special VIP episode patreon ben where can people follow you listen to you watch you be a fan of you you can follow on instagram TikTok all of it YouTube Patreon at Benedict Polizzi B-E-N-E-D-I-C-T-O-L-I-Z-I Benny

why did we decide to go with benedict when it's so many letters i don't yeah it's a whole alphabet isn't it benedicti but i think uh i couldn't get ben polizzi on every single platform so i was like fuck it i'm going government whole name let's ride let's ride let's ride we are benedic policy is always available so i'm like bang that's it hell yeah well this has been such a pleasure i hope that you guys can see him live do some stand-up come see me live doing standup handoburn.com rate subscribe reviews swipe up i don't go fuck do whatever you need to do to make me feel better about myself and i'll talk to you guys later bye peace whatever team fee is on has a chance to win a championship i'm christina

williams host of the podcast in case you missed it with christina williams the wmba playoffs are here and i've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHeart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and entertainment on IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.