Berner Phone - Berner Phone #1: Beige Flags with Des Bishop

Episode Date: August 3, 2023

Welcome to the first episode of Berner Phone!!! I’m always interviewing people on podcasts and on the street, but in this new segment, I get to hear from you! Stay tuned on my Instagram @hannahberner for prompts and links to submit your voice messages. This week Des joins me to hear about your beige flags in relationships. We learn about boyfriends who can’t stop smelling their hands, have a fish tank obsession, were in a Christian cult, and more!  If you neeed advice asap leave a voicemail here! Come see my live comedy shows! Tix here! Connecticut, Westhampton, Texas, Arizona, Buffalo, and Pennsylvania coming up.

Okay, you guys, this is a historical episode for my podcasting career. I've been doing Burning in Hell for four or five, I don't know, time flies, a long-ass time. And I love my little devil so much. And I'm about to go on the road. And I thought, you know what, let's shake some shit up. I do so much of interviewing other people, which I love. It's really a passion of mine. I'm doing on...

So I'm not another person? You're my co-host, babe. Sorry, co-host. I apologize. Women are speaking. I'm interviewing people on the street. I'm interviewing people on Burning Hell. And sometimes I feel like I want to hear from you guys more.

I've always felt, even Giggly Squad, it's like me and Paige talking. And I feel like this is a cool opportunity for me to transition while still doing some interviews, but into a new format called Burner Phone. Do I like it because it's a cool name? Yes. The second I thought of it, I was like this, I have to do this. But I want to start having you guys submit one minute answers, questions. I'm going to prompt you guys on things to ask me or to talk about and put an episode together.

So I feel like we're kind of more connected. Des, do you have any notes? No, I've just, this has been a great intro, but you haven't established the co-host part. You're coming, babe. No, I understand, but you just ask if I had to. any notes, but I don't exist yet. Okay. He's now coming out of the womb into the world. I want to introduce you to my co-host. Who won't always be co-will you always be co-hosting? These were not discussions we're supposed to have on the microphone. Sometimes it might just be me. A lot of the

times I think it will be Des. The exciting thing is with you. With me. I will be on the road a lot starting in September. So it's harder for me to, you know, pin down guys. and get them in a studio, so this will be the best part. This is a really important transition period. I'm transitioning. But let me know what you guys think. We're trying out our first burner phone episode now. On my Instagram is where I will say, like, what kind of questions to ask, a prompt, like, of what to say.

So keep an eye out for that. Definitely be following me for that. And let's get the party started. Yeah, let's go. Do you want me to, this is Desbishop, comedian, handsome, Zaddy. No, I'm good. Oh, so the whole time you wanted intro, now you know. No, what I mean is like, let's go.

Let's fucking go. Okay, Des just came from a workout and he's like really jacked up. I just woke up. So you're going to have two. No, my energy will be, my energy will dip as the thing goes on as the adrenaline. You're going to need a nap in 20 minutes. As the adrenaline wears off. Yeah.

So I'm so excited for this topic because I don't think you know what it is. I asked the little devils about beige flags. What do you think a beige flag is? I mean, I really have no idea. Your generation is very much into the red flags. I've never heard the term, I guess, green flag is something that's positive, but I don't hear it spoken about in that way. A beige flag, I don't know, is it something to do with boredom?

That's a good take. I did Google it because I want to be official. The official thing that comes up on Google, Google is, a beige flag is something that's neither good nor bad, but makes you pause for a minute when you notice it, and then you just continue on. So it's like, it's not a green flag, like it doesn't turn you on. It's not a red flag where you're like, I should break up with this person, but it's like, so you just put that into like the part of your brain as noted.

It's noted. Do you want to know what your beige flag is? Oh, you've decided on a beige flag for me. Yeah. Oh, right. What is it? That you love ice cream. That's a beige flag.

Which, like, it's not that. It's just funny how much you love ice cream. Like a little kid, you'll be like, we need to get ice cream. Yeah, I love ice cream. I know. It's a beige flag. I mean, I think that's probably the best beige flag. Going.

I mean, listen, beige goes with everything. Page is like, you know, you're never clashing with beige. I mean, it could wash it out. depending on your skin tone, but I'm not going to get into fashion. So was that, was that Beijing for you when you were thinking about getting close to our marriage day? Was, were you beigeing out? Yeah, you. Speaking of which, there was no ice cream at our wedding menu.

Okay, put them in the notes. That's a beige flag. That I didn't. You didn't consider that. You didn't consider how much I love ice cream. I think I was trying. First of all, there were milkshakes. Was there?

Yeah, you, we missed all the food. We also, I was trying to get a Mr. Softie, but they were like, it was difficult. Mr. Softie is hard. Anyway, the Mr. Softie thing wouldn't have worked because it would have pulled everybody out of the... Yeah, there were logistics, too much admin. But just like you, like, with your little cup, like, so excited to eat the ice cream with a little tiny spoon, because you're so big. You six, three, and then you have your little spoon, and you're all happy. Yeah, I love it.

But what could I say? I can't, I can't argue with you because I love ice cream. No, that's why it's basically. loved ice cream my father sat down every night with the like obviously it was a different time we're all in front of the one television with like you know not a lot of options and uh he have a pint of vanilla haggendaz and he would wrap it he would fold over a paper towel and wrap the paper towel around the haggendars so his hand wouldn't get cold and he would eat about half his pint of haggendars and then we would get up at the crack of dawn which has never changed we would get up at 5 a.m.

and polish off my dad's vanilla haggendos. Wouldn't you sometimes just scrape the top, you said? Oh, so when we were kids, we always had ice cream in the house. It was just like a thing. Like your parents now, they always have ice cream in the house. But like, obviously my mother wasn't buying haggendos for us. She was buying like briars, whatever was on sale, basically. Turkey Hill, Briars.

Don't hate on briars. Walbaum's brand. Okay. Yeah, the generic. Back in those days, it was always a rectangular canister. Even the circular canisters didn't even exist yet. Wow. So rectangular canister, vanilla fudge swirl, and we'd get up in the morning.

And my mother would not want us eating the ice cream in the morning. Yeah. For breakfast. We would, but they would be up before them. They didn't get up until like seven. You know, we had like two hours on our own. To be naughty. Downstairs.

So myself and my brother's want to eat the ice cream, but I would always say to my brother, yo, we've got to skim it off the top. So she doesn't notice. Like surgeons? Yeah, like surgeons. So it was just like a sliver off the top. And then if my brother went too far, I'd be like, bro, you got to the bottom, bro.

She's good, we got to the bottom. And then I would smooth it. I would cover, I would cover up the hole. You were an ice cream artist. Well, no, I was a con artist. I was trying to con my mother. You had a landscaping business. But in my mind, in my mind, I thought I was getting away with you.

I also love that you're the oldest brother. So I get see you guys being like, come on. And they're like following you. And you're just bossing them around. Oh, I mean, yeah, I mean, whatever. You were the head of the coup. I was the older brother, whatever.

You just take on the roll. Yeah. So anyway, we would smooth the ice cream. So that beige flag goes way back. Also, the fact that your dad was eating like a full pint every night is kind of a green flag. Like, that's kind of hot. Well, because he was incredibly fit. And then when I was in Ireland, he had like, he had to get stints.

You know, he had like an angina attack, like sort of a heart attack predecessor, which was like a big deal. and that was the end of the haggendaz oh so your mom didn't let him well also he had built up like quite like that's a lot of fat and you know that's just like a lot of calorie intake late at night it just

and you know I don't even know today would they say it was unhealthy but back then that was the time where like too much fat and your diet was a real issue so that was the end and like in fairness the guy was in his 50s and he was still cranking back like a haggen that without any concern

he never put on weight yeah he didn't start putting on weight till he was in his 60s, an incredibly fit guy. Very handsome. And he would, and then his other, his beige flag was, he liked to have Doritos, which was very loud. And he really, really liked to, do you ever eat Doritos with somebody who likes to crack the Doritos with their tongue?

So it's like a slow crack. You know the way nobody at Doritos that's like, but my father used to put his mouth and then smush it with his tongue. so it would be like, and I couldn't handle that. As someone with mesophiliaoma? Mesophiliaoma, I believe, is it cancer, babe? It's like a 9-11 cancer. I don't have mesophilia.

What do you have? I have misophonia. Okay. I don't listen to those commercials that come on TV. He's like, do you have mesophiliaoma? You can. I'm such a New Yorker. I've heard that.

Mesothelioma. Were you in Staten Island during 9-11? You may have mesophiliaoma. I have Jared Freed coming up in an episode that will be posted, I think, on the 14th. And I told him that he should be in a Sky Rizzi commercial. What's Sky Rizzi? Nothing is everything. Oh, what is that for, actually?

This is the thing. I don't even know what it's for. I don't know the commercial, but nothing is everything. So I don't know if they've actually done good marketing. He was saying... Isn't that that one? Yeah. Yeah.

It's catchy as fuck, but I want to start referencing Sky Rizzi more. What is Sky Rizzi for? I think it's, I don't know. Is it cholesterol? I don't know. I'm going to look it up. I mean, it's... I'm not of...

I don't know. Nothing is everything. So that's my... Obviously, I didn't know what a beige flag was. So I can't... I can't tell you what your beige flag is. Oh, so you don't want to be put on the spot. Well, okay, let me, let me think about...

You can think about it throughout, and if you come up with it, you can tell me. I mean, your beige flag, it's... Oh, I really do. I don't know what your beige flag is, actually. I really don't. I'm distracted. I have to admit, I'm distracted because...

You're looking up Sky Rizzy. I'm looking up Sky Rizzy. It's very complicated. It's like has a whole app. applicator pain. I'm trying. It's very annoying. It's very hard to actually get the like, what the hell is Sky Rizzy for?

Used to treat adults with symptom. Oh my God. Oh, plaques, plaques, it's for psoriasis. And it's good for suriotic arthritis. Sheenade has that. So, she, because I remember she took a minute. We're just throwing names on this phone now. So Syriatic, okay, okay, that can be very debilitating.

How did we get here? I don't know. This is what happens when you marry an older man. You end up talking about medication. But you actually, you actually brought up Sky Rizzi, not me. Yeah, and then you got all excited about it. Yeah, because doesn't, didn't Cindy Lauper have, sorry? Anyway, it doesn't matter.

So, so, yeah, I'm going to have to, I don't really have like a, like a beige flag for you. A beige flag. Is it that I shower at night? Shower at night? I don't consider that a beige flag. That's just unique. Okay. That's a uniqueness.

Okay. Not a beige flag. No. I'll, I'll, I mean, I would say maybe a beige flag is your ability to not get up for the entire day. In the morning? Just, you know, just like actually just be like, I'm fine sitting in front of the tennis channel for the next 48 hours. When you made fun to me and said that I'm obsessed with small tournaments that don't matter, that was really funny because I never thought of it like that.

Oh, I said that on this pot, didn't I? I don't think so. I thought it came up. Anyway, so, so, so we're talking about beige flag. Now what's the, so I had, it's burner phone here. Burner phone. We need some call-ins. I know, come on.

So the girlies have submitted their answers. I had grace, my Genzi correspondent, go through and pick the best ones. let's begin so my ex-boyfriend was like obsessed with fish tanks and like building fish tanks in his room he had like a pretty small fucking room and had multiple fish tanks like three to four filled fish tanks with fish in them he was 25 by the way and whenever I would go to his house I would sit and watch TV and he would like play with his fish tanks. I don't even know how to explain it. Like, he took a great pride in them. Like, straight up aquariums, Hannah. He would garbage pick these fish tanks from the side of the road, bring them home, clean them up a little, not very well, and then put them in his bedroom and fill them with like water from the lake by itself. Okay, so what's the context of this? This is, I mean, it's an mate, can I just say, it's an amazing call.

This woman needs her own podcast To be honest If Paige hears this she's going to be like That one was for me Like I feel bad actually Because but So what's it So I just got information

What's her concern She's just stating the fact That this is a beige flag for her Oh this is a so this is coming in as a beige flag Yes this is the beige flag I have bad news for this girl What? This is a red flag

there is nothing beige about this this is like this is a stop sign that's been that's been blown over by a hurricane this is like a tornado broken stop sign red flag you shouldn't even been in this neighborhood this is so funny because before the pot i was worried that everything you'd hear you'd be like let the guy do his thing and you're the one who's the most offended by that's that's a beige flag for me that you always assume that I'm going to, you assume my reactions all this. No, but, no, seriously, come on. No, I, look, I love a man who's thrifty. I have no problem with a guy that's like, this is all cool.

And I love his hobbies, but it's a red flag. Yeah, it's not normal. You know, like, it's cute, it's cute, but like, and it's so tough because these are real people. And I'm sure this guy is fine. and if he listens to this. He's not listening. This is for the girlies. Yeah, like, let's face it.

He's on, like, ESPN3 watching fishing competition. This is so much worse than a guy holding up a fish in a hinge profile. Yeah, and I bet you he didn't even have a fish in his hinge profile. Because it's keeping it a secret because he feels naughty. But I think it's cool in terms of, like, if I met a guy and he was like, I'm really into, to, resurrecting fish tanks, I would find it interesting. Is he a marine biologist? I would never recommend him to date my cousin.

Do you know what I'm saying? I would find him interesting, but I wouldn't recommend him as a partner unless I'd have to be a very specific, I feel like he needs to meet somebody at like an aquarium. I love how passionate you are. No, but he needs to meet somebody at an aquarium. He needs to meet a like-minded person that's into fish. in this way now she may be the person because she has only listed this as a beige flag yeah so she might be the one well this is the thing at the end of all we have to ask if he's tall

would you leave like we have to factor that in like if he's very handsome there's been way weirder things that girls have stayed with guys for if he's tall and handsome so like of course we don't have the other information which is does she find the fish cute yeah what's his She's very much talking about the sort of reservoir. She's very much into the assembly of the fish tanks. But also like his bedroom, it sounds like he probably doesn't have the largest bedroom. Oh, that's right. She said he had a very small bedroom, which is surrounded by fish.

Yeah, so like where is he putting important things? Also, it's giving like TLC Strange Addiction. It's giving TLC Strange Addiction. Have you ever seen that where like guys get like turned on by balloons? like there's a hobby and then there's like what are you running from you know like do you yeah i think um i'd have to have to sit down and try to get to the bottom of it like did something traumatizing happened to him in a pool when he was younger like understand trying to understand him yes but i do think like who would he save in a lake you or his goldfish yeah would you be drowning in a lake

and then something he's like oh my god a clownfish I've never got one in the wild. Oh, my God, a red-nosed sniper. A snapper. I just made up a fish. You made up a fish. And you didn't even get the only fish part, right? A red-nosed sniper.

Also, does he want to talk about the fish? And that gives two things. If he doesn't talk about the fish, that's super weird. And then if he does only want to talk about the fish, that's bad. And, you know, here's the other thing is I believe that sometimes, like, a therapist or somebody might say, you should get a fish tank, it's calming. Yes. Right?

So if suddenly you can't stop getting fish tanks, like, are you having some serious anxiety? Do you want to murder people? Yeah, like are you trying, what are you hiding from inside that you've had to surround yourself with these calming influences? Because I love animals, as we know. It's a huge part of my brand. I love a fish tank. But then also, like, these fish, they die.

What are we doing with all the dead fish? Is he, is he, like, putting them in the backyard? Is he putting it down the toilet? Yeah, I have a funny feeling that this guy doesn't lose a lot of fish. But I feel like he's lost some relationships because of his children. But you know, it's funny? It's like if a guy had all plants, you might be like, okay, green thumb, okay, gardener, okay, provide for the family.

But then he's taking care of all these fish. There's something wrong. But again, this is the perfect blage flag because it's not enough for me to say like run, bitch, run. Yeah. And you may end up finding yourself getting it and going, in the end I got into the fish too So it is interesting enough That if he's not actually a weirdo

He just happens to have this hobby Like what would you prefer him to be obsessed with fish Or to be like a gamer? He's 25 True She said he's 25 True You know? True

And maybe like maybe he grew up in a family of fishermen Or people that yeah You know So of course I'm going to give him the benefit of down But I because I You did not give him the benefit of down The beginning of this Yeah I know but a red flag

People stick around with red flags all the time. This is a red flag for me, but at the same time, I understand how she has put it in the beige category now that we've, now that we've discussed it. But I'm, you know, I'm also aware that we're sort of semi, we're jokingly dealing with it. But, you know, I need, if I would have really made an analysis, I would need to hear what it is about aquariums that he loves so much, you know? Like, does he name them? Like, does he wake up in the morning and go, like, my little Matilda, you know, like, then I'm, then, then I'm like, this is a red flag. You know, it's like, no one understands me, Matilda. He's like, Matilda's having a rough day today.

She's not herself. And when Matilda's not happy, Daddy's not happy. You know, then you got some issues. Then you got, Hannah just, Hannah literally just smacked her head off the table. these are the podcasting injuries you never hear about Hannah got too excited Well now I'm mad we didn't film this Oh well

I don't know it's all in context Oh my gosh okay That was That was really good Whoever that was Thank you As our first ever Burner phone

Well beyond my expectations Wow that was incredible And a great voice that she had A great voice Okay this I listen to WFAN You think they get nice voices You like that Yo Pauli

I get guys going and be like I don't don't care how much money Steve Cohen has. He's a, he's a scumbag rat. They always sound like a coal miner. I'm like, where are you calling from? How are you yelling so loud? All right, let's go to another one.

Okay, this next one. My boyfriend is amazing and so super handy. Okay, that sounds like her boyfriend made her say that. It sounds like she had a gun to her head. It's like her mother just gave a call to make sure she's okay. This is like one of these things. It's like the guns to the head. It's like, tell them everything is okay.

I love him very much. He's very brave. Oh, no, go ahead. Sorry. My beige flag is that when he's really getting in there and he's really working hard on something, he has no idea or care in the world that the top of his butt crack is hanging out. And I'm not that old. He is not that old. And the fact that he either doesn't know or doesn't care would be a red flag, but he is so handy and gets things done that it shifts it to a beige flag

okay well I got a lot of thoughts on this you want to go first well I do like the way she says flag it's giving Midwest right and you could tell he's from Midwest because he's handy guys in New York are not fixing things what are your thoughts babe you don't have any that's your only thoughts oh no I want to see what you say because you seem excited listen fixing stuff is annoying If you find a guy that's into fixing shit, it's never a red nor beige flag.

It's a green flag all day because I promise you that if you have a boyfriend or a husband like me, you will spend all your life trying to find handy men. So a butt crack is like seeing the butt crack of your boyfriend slash husband fixing shit should literally be like a pot of gold. You should see that as like I just... When it's butt crack time, I mean, shit's getting done. It means you won the fucking lotto. But this is my question.

You won the lotto. When you see a girl's butt crack, well, you wouldn't see girls' butt cracks. You'd only see mine. When you see my butt crack, does it turn you on? Well, I can tell you that in the context of fixing things, I've never seen your... I've never seen your butt crack in what I would consider to be an advantageous situation other than sexual. So I've never came into the house and been like, wow, Hannah is plunging the toilet. That's never happened.

But the buck crack thing is very funny because like even growing up, like in Ireland, they call it like the builder's arse, right? And it was always a thing like, oh, your buck crack is showing or, you know, and it's always been like a jokey thing. But like it's literally just the way that our pants are constructed. And what happens is you're in a flow, right? and it's like to get up and pick up your pants and get the butt crack out, you have to like get out of the flow but if you're in the middle of like screwing something so in the end to me it's just like

what's more important? Me worrying about my ass crack showing or getting this fucking thing done because I hate fixing shit. I do think, yeah that's why you found someone who's perfect so you don't have to fix them. I'm just hung up on the idea that like when you see a girl's butt crack it's so hot like when you see like a thong

coming out of the pants. Oh, yes. Oh, I'm like, okay, calm down. No, but I'm just, but you don't see the crack, actually. You just see, like, the thumb. But I feel like if you did see a girl's crack, it's a little like, ooh. We're like, if you see a guy's crack, you want to vomit. It's even, Paige and I joke about this, how, like, if I'm wearing just a shirt and no pants

and you see the bottom of my butt, it's like so sexy, so hot. We're like, the guy's bottom of his butt, you're like, where's that hair coming from? Is that a ball? But it does also, it's funny that you say, because I actually, I heard that. Yeah, we joke about that on live shows. And it is funny because I definitely immediately agree, I immediately agreed with you guys that it's sexy when a girl is in a t-shirt and when a guy is in a t-shirt.

It's a weird. And also, when I get, because I sleep with a t-shirt on because I don't like. I didn't throw you under the button. I kept it quiet. No, no, but I immediately thought like I sleep with a t-shirt on because I hate when my shoulders get cold. but when I go for a piss in the middle of the night I always am like I hope nobody sees this like because I know that that is like a weird look

Well that is another beige flag a lot on for you That yeah your shoulders get cold I guess So you you walk around a lot pantsless a lot But I know I'm so only in the middle of the night When I'm going for a piss I'm so attracted to you that I think it's cute But I 100% agree Because when I see a man with just t-shirt on

It seems weird. But that's such an oddity. But also the butt of a man. Like girls would joke like that I like his butt, but it's not really a thing. But under the butt, there's so much weird, like his balls come out from the back too. I know. But here's the funny thing is that when a man like with a loose fitting towel around after he gets out of the shower, that I've seen put up as like the top half of a man's ass in like a towel situation.

Then it's like, oh, sexy. Well, it's like how a guy looks better with gray sweater. pants I call it the dick cleavage you're like what is it and then he takes it off and you're like okay too graphic too much going on I didn't need to see that anyway need this to say it is it is funny how the the builder's crack uh became like unattractive so I think you I think it's a decent I think this was a good beige flag I think it's a good beige flag I think it's a good beige flag I think you should joke about it with him I think you should get him a thong I think it'll be hilarious to like get high-rise sweatpants when he's doing you but you also

I also don't want to piss him off, because I would, in my pranky head, I'm like, I would take a photo every time, I'd send it to him. He might get annoyed next to you know he's not fixing things, and that we do not want. Yeah. We do not want. So you want to be supportive, but, um. Good beige flag, though. Also, maybe he. But it is kind of weird.

Isn't it funny the way some things become unattractive? Yeah. And I think it's weird. Some of it has to do with, like, the fact that it's made fun of so much that then it becomes like, like, when I moved to Ireland, in Ireland for a long time, white socks. with black shoes was considered like the greatest faux pa of all time yeah like that's crazy that's just the decision that they made yeah and then when you do it it's like oh my god well socks with sandals was like forbidden and now it's the coolest thing exactly yeah exactly so we got to make honestly we got to make uh showing ass cracks trendy because guys got to be fixing shit if it's really upsetting

you i would buy him boxer briefs that are that go so like that are because i think his underwear is sagging so get boxer briefs that'll be like tight around it um and that could potentially help that was really good great beige flag that was a great beige flag also the reason i want to do this is because my the people who listen to this pod my followers are so funny and they're honestly two for two okay let's see what this is okay so i had a boyfriend who when we were in other countries and he couldn't speak the language instead of just trying to speak the language he would speak with an accent it was so embarrassing but like not quite a red flag you know what i mean it was just like a little cringy that is so

that's a thing that's a thing you do it we all everybody actually does it to a degree well as someone who's really worldly and speaks multiple languages what is your first thought well first of all it's a thing right because like and i've heard comedians joke about it where it's like um you'll say something like hey can i have a can i have a pint of logger please and they're like uh sorry I don't speak English and you're like, can I have a bunt of a logo, please? Like you do it in their accent. Like Spanglish. Yeah, but so, but it kind of happens where you, you start to speak bad English to people.

Even though they don't understand, you start to actually like try to mirror their accent. So I understand your frustration with it, but it is actually a phenomenon where it kind of happens naturally, where you start to speak. Maybe his accents are bad though. Yeah, you start to speak broken English with people who don't speak English. Yeah, because you think they understand those basic words, so you want to communicate? Yeah, you don't mean it, but it does happen. You know what it probably means? It probably means that your partner has like a good ear for languages.

Oh. Now, if they're doing it as a joke, it's not a good joke. It's not a good joke to be in France and be like, can I have a bent of the logo, please? but if you're but if it's like if it's unintentional like just natural it probably means that they have a good ear for languages like some people

for example like they'll go on like like a like a J1 visa to another country or like you know they'll do like an exchange when they're like a teenager and after three months they come back with like a new accent and some people make fun of that because they think that they're like affected or they're not like genuine people but a lot of times it's actually

just that you have a natural ear when I trained in Florida Florida at a tennis academy. Everyone was from the West Indies. So it's like Caribbean. Don't tell me you came back with a Caribbean accent. You canceled. I had a black scent when they got back.

No, I had a whole different rhythm to my voice. So I would end with it high because they'd be more sing-songy. And my parents were like, what is going on? But I do think that, like, for example, I'd say like, oh, a rose compo. And they'd be like, what? I wouldn't be like, rice and the beat. Like, I don't know. I'd be like rice and beans.

Yeah, it's hard to know, because when we've been away, I've noticed that you will, you will, you will do it. Okay, I'm guilty of it. I am guilty of it. We all do it. You start to speak in broken English. It's not even so much about putting on an accent, but it's like. What about yesterday when I was with John Bishop, who's British, I was sign languaging him and speaking like I was speaking like I was speaking to someone who didn't speak English. Yeah, like as if he didn't understand him.

So you thought you, you couldn't understand his Liverpool accent. So I thought he couldn't understand me. You were like typing. It was like, so I was like, on my. computer and you're like doing typing hands and then you were like you did so oh oh you were like i was interviewing somebody and you had like a microphone in front of your face you literally were doing that because he was he wasn't speaking english to me i'll tell you that but it was a liverpool accent oh yeah the english guy wasn't speaking english and british people they're always like we invented

the language um that was really good no but also can i also just say that when we were kids so my father but whatever he he's born in england raised in ireland went back to england came to America. He had a lot of accents depending on who he was talking to. So when he was talking to like his boss in Berbery, it would always be like,

hello, Mr. Carl Smith. Then when his Irish buddies were ringing, he'd be like, hello, Jim. And then if he was like talking to an American guy, he'd be like, yeah, my man, my man. Like my dad said,

actually Derek Gaines called me out the other day because I called him my man, but he wasn't like making fun of me. He was like, my man, that's real 90s. I was like, it's funny because my dad always said my man.

But anyway, like my dad had like, and we always made fun of him, but then I now have that. you probably notice when I meet Irish people my accent is more Irish oh for sure I think it's also like it's social awareness like my friend Becca when she's when we were in New York she spoke kind of like me and then when she went back to Arkansas I called her after three days and she was like how y'all doing and I was like where what happened but you're a mirror to people and you're kind of like a cameal because human nature you want to fit in so you kind of see what's acceptable

in the culture and you try to do it obviously culture of population is not okay um but I'm like that Or people will say when they get drunk Or when they get upset Like your New York accent will come out as New Yorkers Because all many people and they're like You don't sound like you're from Brooklyn I would have liked a I would have liked an example

Of Of her boyfriend Oh yeah I know Doing the accent We have so many follow up questions But a decent beige flag That was a good beige flag But yeah people will be like

You don't sound like you're from Brooklyn And I'm like well I can talk Like I'm from Brooklyn If you want me to Like when I'm with my broken friends. Yeah, because you're ashamed of who you are. You hid your accent. Yeah, I hate myself.

No, no, because you have like a neutral accent. I have a neutral accent. But, you know, I've done that joke about people that say they have no accent. Well, yeah, I'll go to other places and they'll be like, you have an accent. I don't have an accent. Well, when I went to the Midwest, I said Hannah, and everyone was like, you mean Hannah. And I'm like, Hannah. And they're like, so Hana.

And I'm like, Hannah, and they're like Hannah. So I wanted to change my name to Lucy. because of that. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure,

especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast in case you missed it with Christina Williams.

The WMBA playoffs are here and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have.

For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus, exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted, but we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way, and we're hoping to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and I Heart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports, and entertainment on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that, and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here, and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind the scenes moments you won't find anywhere else.

It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way and we're hoping to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHeart Women's Sports Production, in partnership with deep blue sports and entertainment on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. So I'm obsessed with long drink.

You've seen me probably all summer running around this blue drink. It's the Finnish drink of the summer, and it's historical. They made it during the winter games when people were coming over and they were like, we have to show them Finland is that girl. So they made this drink in the 50s. So this is like she's been through a lot. and it's stuck through and now it's like breaking into america and it has investors actually taylor fritz is one of them the tennis player keigo who's a party um ricky fowler great golfer and also miles teller

who you may have seen on top gun so all these people are involved it's kind of cool and i feel like the girlies need a piece because we love to get down in the summer too and what i like about it for the girlies is that it really like does not make me feel gross when i have like a beer or like a really sugary drink long drink is like the perfect amount of like crispy light like slightly grapefruit flavor i'm obsessed with it go to the longdrink dot com and check out where it is near you where you can get it i got in saggar when i was out in the hamps and there's tons of places in the city or wherever the hell you are you'll find it a beige flag for me would be when a man says I don't like blow jobs

I'm just not that end-a-head mostly because I didn't want to anyway so I'm kind of loving it but also do I suck not in the sense of his penis but am I bad at giving blow jobs

okay that was good yeah well I have the same thing when women say I don't like when guys go down on me But a guy saying I don't like blowjabs I mean that's definitely a beige flag Because at the end of the day a guy is like Is allowed to not be into blowjubs Surprising

Well as some I've never received a blowjob As someone who has received a blowjob only by me What should most guys like it? What would someone not like about it? I don't know actually to be honest with you I mean maybe he's had some bad experiences with teeth See I mean listen Competitive side of me?

Everybody's allowed to, you know, you can't yuck somebody's yum, and you certainly can't, like, judge somebody's, like, thing that they're not into, you know? I certainly, if a woman says to me, I don't like when a guy, I don't like guys going down on me. Of course, my immediate assumption is she probably had, like, hasn't had, like, somebody that's good at it or something, and he may have had that experience,

but he may also just, God knows, he could have any number of reasons why he doesn't like, it may literally not be a nice sense, for him. He may also have some judgments about it. I don't know. So I could never make a comment. But I certainly don't think it's a problem. But I do think it's surprising. I think there's definitely some follow-up questions you can have. It's surprising. But the competitive side of me will be like, well. You haven't had this? And then the conspiracy theory side of me is he says that to every girl. So she goes, no, I want to show you how I give a blowjob. And the next thing,

you know, she's like trying so hard every night to give you the best blowjob you've ever had. And he's like, ah, I still don't like it. Maybe we'll try again tomorrow night. That's a lot of pressure. You don't need like Coach Jackson vibes on the fucking blow job, you know? So, you know, I, who know, might be one of those things where he's a little bit uncomfortable with his, well, yeah, sensitive or like, you know, maybe has some hang-ups about his penis that are more exaggerated when it's in somebody's mouth. I really don't know. Yeah, maybe it gets worried about it being a little smelly.

Yeah, it's surprising. It's surprising. But I do, that's a good point, that a lot of the time, if they're making you feel insecure, a lot of the time, he might actually be insecure about something. So you don't take it personally. Well, you definitely shouldn't take it personally because he's not suggesting in any way, shape, or form. He doesn't like blowjobs from you. He's just saying he's not like a blowjob guy. Have you met a guy like that? I've never, I mean, guys don't talk about, guys don't talk about, I mean, guys talk about sex, but they don't go like, oh, long, fuck a board. Like a guy might be like, yo, I don't like a fucking finger on my ass. Yeah.

But like, I haven't heard a lot of guys say that. I've heard a guy say I prefer blowjobs of sex. Yeah, I mean, I can, I can see that. But also blowjob, the guy might have had some weird things happen where he gets anxious and he's like, I don't like that your teeth are so close to my dick. But even if you get some teeth, will it traumatize you? No, I mean, listen, I can't identify with the guy, so I can't really speak. There's not a lot of, there's not a lot of blowjob trauma that can come your way.

I mean, like, for me, like, yes, I've had a couple of blowjobs in my life where, like, it's a little uncomfortable because someone's, like, going too rough or anything, but, like, it's fine, and I have no problem saying it, like, easy tiger. Does some guys not, like, deep throating? These are things that, like, guy, like, I feel like deep throating is like a fetish that, like, that, like, that's, like, a personal thing. Yeah, maybe he doesn't like that he feels like maybe she doesn't like it, so he doesn't enjoy it. Yeah, I really don't. I mean, honestly, this is such a good beige flag because she's like, and I'm happy about it. I'm fine.

I don't want to suck that shit. I don't want that shit in my mouth either. It sounds like you guys are perfect for each other. Yeah, you guys, you guys like. But the question, does he like hand jobs? Because that's exhausting. You'll have to speak on that. And some of the hand jobs are more exhausting than a blow job,

but I just feel like I'm like, he can't suck his own dick. At least I'm bringing something to the table where hand jobs, I'm like, he's thinking, oh, I don't like that rhythm. It's like when a guy's fingering you. You're like, I'll just, I'll do it. You've got to appreciate a blow job because you know that blow jobs used to be severely taboo. I read a freaky, you've never read Freakonomics, right? I don't read.

But I do know that book. So Freakonomics one or two. There's two Freakonomics. But it always has a look at these like odd ways of looking at economic issues. And one of the things they use is the price of things that you get from a sex worker. And a blowjob used to be the most expensive thing to get off a sex worker because a blowjob was extremely taboo. It was a very very

like unacceptable thing to do so a blowjob was considered very exciting so to get a sex worker to give you a blowjob used to be the most expensive thing to get off a sex worker. That's fascinating. And now it's kind of the cheap it's considered like a nothing thing. Yeah I used to give blowjobs if I didn't want to have sex.

So yeah so the evolution of the excitement of a blowjob so it may just not be exciting to him whereas a hundred years ago he might be like I can't that this girl wants to suck my dick. When I first heard as a child that you put men's penises in your mouth, I was like, who started this? This is insane.

Who was like, let's fuck around. Like, I'm like, he pees from that. I thought, and then I was thinking about, like, it's like the first person who was like, oh, we can, like, eat a berry or something. You were like, oh, who took the risk? Who was the first girl that was, like, put that in my mouth? Yeah, well, you're, you're,

you're really getting into a lot of human behavior and how it evolved. Who was the first person that said, wow, this tastes so much better after it's been in fire for 15 minutes. I mean, I guess at some stage, somebody was like, well, a mouth is soft and moist. Let's try this soft and moist.

Do you remember the first time you heard that a girl will stuck on your dick? No, I mean, I eventually became aware of it, but I, you know, there's so many, silly, you know, movies that you get to see or your kid, you're not supposed to be watching like porkies and shit like that. So I have no idea. I have no recollection

of. I kind of vaguely remember the first time we were all kids sitting around in Queens and all the kids that I grew up with with with her. And I remember who said it, I'm not going to name her, but a girl that was two years old enough, but like not old enough to be talking about this was like do you know how you make a baby

is like, and they said how you do it. Blow jobs. No, they said, you know, they talked about like that happens. We were young. I remember we were kids. I remember where we were sitting too. My friend was like, oh, he said he's horny.

And I had no idea what that was. I literally thought he had horns all over him. How old were you then? 17. Oh, no, I'm talking about like we were like six. I was like 11 or 12 or 13. We were all, not like 11. We were all hanging out.

Some girls like he said he's horny. And I was like, oh no. Because she was like freaked out, but I was like, oh God. Did he get that checked out? I don't remember. Anyway, decent beige flag. That was good. Okay, let's see what's next.

You guys are actually crushing it. My boyfriend smells his hands after everything he does. It doesn't matter what he's doing. If he's touching the cutting board or if he's eating a fruit or if he scratches his face or something afterwards, he always smells his hand. And I've noticed that it comes from his mother. So that's interesting. I love that she not only dissed him, but she dissed the mother-in-law's one.

Double whammy. But that is a genetic thing. It sounds like a sensory thing that he likes to do. Yeah, I feel like this guy is maybe a couple of generations closer to his primate self. You know, I think in human evolution, you know, different we evolved from Neanderthals and primates and I think maybe

his bloodline was one of the later one of the later ones he's still smelling shit to be like okay it's okay he's like fucking butter he's like a dog you know he's like is this okay now I have to admit when I scratch my when I scratch my ear I do smell because I want to see if I have like an infection

I'll scratch my belly button and I always have to smell it I have to smell it well that's my cousin Sal I always had a joke's like how come when you scratch your balls you're always You're going to smell your hand. But this sounds like he's doing it. This is chronic. This is chronic. Like I never smell my hand after, like, okay, maybe I might smell my hand after I've done

like a pull-up to see if it has like that metallic. True, yeah. But also, like, is he doing this in public? Are you at like a dinner with him and he's like constantly just like hand in the nose? Or is this just like when he's home? Because I do weird shit when I'm home. I'm like, you know, playing with my eyelashes. Yeah, I do.

I feel like it's off-putting if you're like sharing, not. With people, like if you're at like a group dinner and they bring to some nachos and and guacamole and every time he takes a bite, he's like, you know, I guess that's a little. Is he getting high off his own supply? I also am obsessed with my hands. I actually say that trolls have told me that I look like I don't wash my hands. I'm actually obsessed with having clean hands. That's why I didn't have long nails for a while because I hated like eating a burrito and then my hand kind of smelling like burrito. I don't like I don't like the lingering smell of things. I don't like lingering smells. But it sounds. It sounds like he's enjoying it. Needing to wash your hands is one thing. Yeah. Having to smell them. Now, by the way, there's nothing wrong with this behavior because in actual fact, it's probably healthy.

Yeah. In fact, he, of all the things that we've drifted from in our behavior, yeah. It may be that he has held on to what is actually a healthy habit, which is smelling ship because, you know, it's one of the five senses, and it's an important one. We smell gas. There are things that we smell that we go danger.

Yes. Actually, he's smart. Does he smell his finger after he fingers you? That's difficult. Wow, that really got you. That would be a... Immediately after, while making eye contact with you, he was like... Yeah, like, you know, like, you're so horny, and he's like...

I mean, if it turns him on, I'm into it. I'm like, yeah, smell me. In fact, in that situation, it's like, if he smells his finger all the time, if he smells his finger after finger in you he almost has to be like oh yeah he's got to be turning he's like that's the best smell of the day that's the smell I've been looking for

it also reminds me of people but this is again in private how like when you wipe your butt you always have to look at the toilet paper oh yeah because you have to make sure it's done but like it's pretty gross up until it's done but you got to look you got to look to make sure it's

you did your job I mean I told you that this controversial subject is wiping your butt sitting down and standing up what do you do I'm a sit downer yeah I'm a sit downer too yeah but it turns out that particularly with men a lot of guys a lot of guys stand up when you stand up it could get mixed up and stuff you got to keep it spread you got to keep the cheek spread I I know but you bend over but anyway all I'm saying is that not everyone wipes their butt sitting down yeah I mean this this with the way that this conversation is gone it's maybe worried the amount of beige flags we don't even know about our significant other that they do in close quarters

however the smelling of the hands thing I would kind of bring it up not as a bad thing but just like why do you think you smell your fingies all the time yeah I mean because then if he's aware of it maybe he'll get insecure about it not that you should make him insecure but like maybe he's not aware of it there's a lot of things I do like nervous tics that I'm not aware of and then and then my mom would be like why are you doing that and I'll be like oh my god I should stop I just and also you need to have a look at your relationship with his mother. I'm feeling some animosity there. I'm feeling like this has become more of a problem because you notice that the mother

does it too and then it's like, ew. Because sometimes people don't like to admit the mother connection, you know. There's always that clash that you got saved from by death of the mother-in-law and the wife. He has a connection with his mom that you will never have unless you start sniffing your own fingies. Also, he probably goes to his mother and goes, you know, no, she doesn't smell her finger. His Spanish flag is that you don't smell your fingers.

It's like, do you know, that she ate a hot dog and never smelled her fingers once. Also, how long is this smell? It was clearly mustard on her finger. Is it quick, or is it like a whole, like, you know, routine rigmarole? Yeah, when you bring it up, he's going to be like, who doesn't smell their fingers after? He goes, Mom, she never smells her fingers. I actually, once I kind of like this guy, and then his hands, just look dirty to me like they always just look dirty i don't know what what about it and it like

really turned me off and i was like maybe he should smell his fingers every now and then yeah maybe you should wash his hands that was a great beige flag good beige flag that was a good beige flag um oh okay this looks interesting more beige flags how many beige flags are we doing my ex grew up in a christian cult where they would speak tongues and he didn't even know what Britney Spears was and had never seen any of the classic music videos from the 2000s. That's not a beige flag. That's, that's like. She goes, he doesn't even know what Britney Spears is.

I can't do this. I said hit me baby one more time and he was like, what? Like, I'm a slave for you. He was like, what? Wait, I love how the thing that fits us are off the most is that he doesn't know Freddie Spears out of all the possible weird things. Well, I mean, for me how can that be a beige flag? It's like

this is more like I have a unique situation where my boyfriend was raised in a Christian cult. No, but you know, I gave her the prompt beige flag and she was like, let's see what they could do with this. This is just a girl giving the content. Give it up for her. Listen, first of all, speaking in tongues is absolute

bullshit. Oh. It's just like they get in the flow. Now, I think they think they're speaking in tongues, but what I actually think happens is at these like charismatic religious events they get so pumped up right and then it becomes a thing where you just let it go and I think they get a great release by just like letting it go and being like oh yeah but I've seen it yeah yeah and like and I think then they're like the Lord the Lord is the Lord is speaking through me but they're really just like they're literally like

releasing something it's like they're yelling it's like a rave you know yeah it's like when you you're at a rave and the dopamine's high and the music is high and you're having this like shared experience and everyone's like everyone's pumping you up yeah and then you let it out yeah because it doesn't just happen you're not like speaking tongues it's a whole thing of getting you to this place yeah but plus there's a there's like a subconscious desire to fit in so you start fucking you start letting it go it's basically jazz scat yeah he's a scat man I'm a scatman the question is he still in the cult well it seems that he used to be okay he used to be Well, he definitely used to be

See, I kind of love that Because you could trick him You could tell him things About pop culture Whatever you want And he'll believe you And I think that's empowering Yeah, so just like make up

A whole new 90s for him You know Be like, yeah, Dave Matthews never They never really took off 9-11 never happened Sorry, that was dark Yeah, Jesus Sorry, that was too far

That was the 2000s Yeah Yeah, sorry I had a Let's do one more We have time for one more You don't want to tell No no because I like

You have no other thoughts on religious cults I do think for Like this is why it's a beige flag Because you probably really loves this guy But it's fucking weird But I think there's a beauty in that Of it's kind of like dating a guy from Europe Like

It's honestly like dating an older man Like you don't know You don't really know what SpongeBob is you don't know what it's like and you get to tell them you probably have so many good conversations like go to dinner most couples have nothing to talk about

you're like do you want to know what happened with in sync yeah it's like there was a show called 90210 you're like Laguna Beach change the culture of the world has no money did you know that

toy spelling is broke so how did that happen sorry I thought but anyway you don't have the same connection to the 90210 that's why you were raising a cult called the 80s. I was raised in a cult called the 90s, so we get to educate each other.

But I think that, you know, that's like, that's a, that's a difficulty in a relationship. You have to deal with the fact that this guy has had a unique, potentially traumatic childhood, and there will always be things that you will have to deal with. Yeah. I do think

I always loved a guy who like overcame something and then with, you'd be like, oh, he's so strong. Then with that, afterwards, you'd see all these like side things and you have to decide like okay this is traumatic stuff that happened to him and now he does these weird things can i be with it so it's finding out what no no i was agreeing with you yeah like so it's finding out is his true do his demons fuck with your demons i always say are they the right kind of weird stuff and also you get to see

him watch brittany spears for the first time like that's incredible yeah you can get but then he's going to be like wow she's a slut you get to see him be disgusted by Britney Spears, which is fucked up. But maybe he's over that. Why do I feel like he's the same guy that doesn't like blow jobs? That was just a second part of the thing. I just think it's sinful. Although, you know, I'll tell you what,

if you give this guy a blowjob and he starts speaking in tongues, you know that's a good blowjob. Yeah. You got to tell this guy, you still need to speak in tongues. Get that tongue up on this pussy, motherfucker. Why do I feel like this is also the guy with the fish tank and the butt crack and the accents. Bringing it all around, babe.

Good stand-up. You know, I think this was an amazing first episode of Burner Phone. Yeah, it was fun, man. You guys, go to the reviews. Let me know if you like this, if it's something I think I'm going to continue doing. I love hearing from you guys. You're all so fucking funny and smart and beautiful, obviously.

I'm inside and out. So thank you guys for listening. So, by the way, we're not always going to theme it, right? We're not always going to theme it. Sometimes we'll do advice, but sometimes I do like the prompt because it gets more specific. Yes, because I do like people's dilemmas and stuff, too. Yeah, we actually, I had people submit advice. I have a ton of advice we're going to hit on, and I will have interviews in randomly throughout.

And thank you guys for coming on this journey with me. I just, I love you so much. And, yeah, thanks for coming to hell. and I have to do like an ending for Burning Front now like think well this is just a leave a message bye you can you can record

also follow Des oh no I'm in Saratoga Springs this weekend oh does in Saratoga Springs this weekend Comedy works Saratoga Springs Friday and Saturday Amazing also follow him on Instagram TikTok also I have shows coming up

I never promote them but I'm going to be in West Hampton Beach September 3rd I'm going to Mashantucket Connecticut at the Foxwoods Casino, early September, and then I'm going to Texas, Austin, San Antonio, Dallas, Houston, then I'm going to Arizona, Tucson, Tempe, and then Buffalo, New York, and Ben Salem, Pennsylvania. That's my September. So check those out. Go to Haniburne.com slash shows, and I love you guys. This was really good. I'm like, you guys did great. This is all you. You guys, they did amazing. Amazing. Way better than I was expecting. Talk to you guys later.

It is never impressed. So this is huge. I love you guys. Whatever team Fia is on has a chance to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. So listen to In Case You missed it with Christina Williams and IHeart Women Sports Production and Partnership with deep blue sports and entertainment

on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.