Berner Phone - Berner Phone #100: What Did You Just Say?

Episode Date: July 21, 2025

Hannah has some exciting news and the dialers are sharing the craziest things someone has said to their face. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to see Des live

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hi, my little dialers, it's mom and pop. And it's the mom and pop shop where you go to get laughs and advice and love. And share. Share with the group. Share with the group.

It's group therapy. This is group therapy. Speak up if you have something to say. Which they have in large numbers. We have a fun one this week. Correct. It came from a dialer. I think it was through Instagram DMs. There was a little confusion by some people. Yeah, it didn't. That confusion didn't show up in the actual recordings. The wordage I wrote, from a stranger to your mom or from your mom to a stranger,

what's the craziest thing someone said to your face? And someone was like, is it crazy stuff my mom said to a stranger? Is there stuff said to my face? And I said literally anything, I want to hear the stuff going down. Yeah. You know, the only reason I actually worded it that way because the dialer that messaged in said, I mean, they originally said the craziest thing that somebody said to your face like your mom.

But she was like, but actually it could be that anybody ever said to your face. So I thought, oh, there might be some confusion. so to make sure that people knew that it was any situation where somebody said something to your face and another great dialer suggestion. Honestly, I can't remember the last time it wasn't a dialer suggestion, the prompt.

Look, the dialers are 89% of this podcast. I know, it's really... They're the heart and the soul. Yeah, this really is... I don't know what kind... We're the singers, but they're the jazz band. No, but I want to know what kind of political system this is because there's a ferocious amount of contribution from them

but they're not kidding they're not getting a share they're just I guess their enjoyment is being part of the podcast and hopefully we bring them an hour of joy each week to forget about the problems of the world but we appreciate it we really do

and you guys came out in full force but first a life update that you're probably all aware of we got new cats no Hannah passed her driving test Jesus Christ I mean it was it was

It was the overriding, the overwhelming energy presence of our summer. No, you guys, I'm actually hitting a, what's it called like an energy low when you've adrenaline dump. Yeah, Hannah, I've been. Hannah checked out today, guys. I've been on. We don't, we're not, we're not, we're, this is not being critical of Hannah. No.

I'm saying that I've been having diarrhea for a week of stress for this driver's test. I talked to my therapist, talked to everyone, then was in hours and hours of lessons with Des, of over and over again, him helping me gain confidence. And I could not be more proud to pass this test. And shout out, we call him Greg. He's Greg. Oh, we're not naming him? We're helping his identity. Okay.

Actually, I was calling him Greg, and I realized it was Bill. Oh. So I stuck to him. And Greg is funnier than Bill. Okay. Shout out to Greg. We have to get... Shout out to Greg,

a.k.a. Bill. From East... You were not naming the schools? We've got to name the school. East and driving school. No, I thought for a second you were trying to give some... Should I get him? Because another person got him like cute cookies

that said like thanks. Thanks. Thanks Greg, Bill. But maybe we get him like custom mints for his driving school that he could put on his desk. Yeah, but the problem is then it sounds like you're saying your breath stank during... That stank during the driving list.

Which he does, and he had perfect breath. He was a great instructor. It's so funny because his business is literally him driving, but it's a physical place, and it's just a desk in a room. Yes. Just a desk. I would maybe get him a nice couch or something, but he's retiring this year.

Yeah, if he was going to do another five years, maybe you could get him like a paint job in there or something, you know, freshen up the place. It looks good, by the way. I'm not saying it needs a paint job, but. Yeah. You know, just freshen it up. Should we buy the business?

From him, he's looking for someone to buy the business. Yes. Now that I'm a great driver, I can teach other drivers. So not only that, but then Hannah, then we test drove cars yesterday. First day of driving, first day of having a driver's license. And, you know, Hannah went from like, I never want to drive to like, I want a new car. And so we test drove the first car and they were like, oh, just take the car. But then the other two test drives, they were like, we're coming with you.

And I thought, wow, that's not easy. It's like the driving test all over again. Well, I get in these cars and, like, I don't even know how to change the gears. One of them had, like, this insane, like, twisty thing. Another one had it up by the steering wheel. Two of them were up by the steering wheel. I was freaking out. And then some guys in the back.

And he thinks we're joking. Like, yeah, she just got her driver's license yesterday. I'm like, no, literally yesterday. So, and he's like, don't worry about it. And I'm like, I'm not worried, but you should be. This isn't my car. Yeah. Well, you did a good job.

I did a good job. We'll keep you updated on that one. We're looking at electric vehicles. So if anyone has an electric vehicle, they love or recommend. Or a car that you could see me in. Like, what's my aesthetic? What's my vibe? You guys?

Like, I've never even thought of this. I never even thought of a car. I never thought I'd be driving. And now I'm a new woman. Who did you, at some stage in your life, what kind of a car did you think that you would get in your mind? When I was younger, I thought I'd get like a blue Mazda. What?

This was definitely before the manifestation era. Hey, by the way, nothing wrong with Mazda's. I don't want anyone to be, I don't want to give the, but like, I feel like that's not your dream car.

No, but you said, what did you think I, I thought I'd, like, yeah, like I thought that was my personality. Oh, you thought you were a blue Mazda personality?

Yeah, like a, that's your personality? A blue Mazda? Well, okay, do you know those Mazda convertibles? They're kind of sick.

Oh, the Mazda Miads But this was also back then, like, when I was like 24, I'm like, oh, I'd get a blue masta. 10 years ago. Yeah. Nowadays, a Bugatti. Is that in my motorcycle? I don't even know what that is.

I just said an Italian name. Yeah. No, I love the Audis are so chic and cool. But I also, I'm liking these Kiyas. Yeah. Shout out to Kia. I'm not sure. I really don't know. I have to test drive.

But it's what's hard as Des is like, do you like how it drives? And I'm like, I was just trying to survive out there on the road. I'm not like, I don't really know how the cars are driving. It's just like sometimes you get in a car and you're like, yeah. I did like the Kia though. Yes. So that's our frontrunner. I mean, I wasn't going to name any cars, but we're seriously considering a Kia EV6 for Hannah.

We're considering it. I mean, I think it's a good first car because, okay, you know, you could go fancy, you know, and like, that's exciting. Look, but it's your first car. I might get a Lamborghini. I know you guys are wondering. You're not a Lamborghini person. Why not? Listen.

Because I don't have a small dick. Hannah. What? No, just, you know, it's, you're not that flash. No, no, no. I don't want any attention on the road. I want to be like awkwardly parking badly in a parking lot and no one noticing because my car is so plain. Actually, you know what?

You really are a blue Mazda person. I just realized I don't know why I push back again seconds You're a blue Mazda person I'm a blue Mazda girl Because it's like That's when I was younger though Now that I'm older I'm more of like a

I love a shiny sand colored car Shiny sand color Yeah Interesting Yeah it's not gold You were drawn to the gray Kia EV6

Yeah because I was saying white It reminds me of like Tom Sandoval And then What? He's white nail polish Oh. And which reminds me of, um, white out. We,

Greg uses white out still on his scheduler. Bill? Yeah. Oh, he still uses white out? Yeah, he, he was on the phone with someone and he was writing like the time of the appointment. And then they changed their mind. He said, hold him one second. And he got out his white out and he whited it out in his journal.

Wow. Maybe I should get him, um, a computer. A credit card machine? Actually, yeah. No, Bill strategically just uses cash. Get Bill a tap. He could Apple pay. Tell him we'll pay the fees.

Oh, my God. But yeah, he's retiring this year. Anyway, he gave you great confidence. It was great. Our marriage survived. I'm proud of myself because this time around I wasn't trying to cut any corners, even though I did ask all the gigglers if anyone works at the DMV. so that was probably illegal

but I was like I want to just get confidence that I can drive first and then suddenly I was like wow I'm gonna get a car so tomorrow we'll drive some other cars yeah well tomorrow you want to you want to just dip your toe

in the water of luxury yeah I just want to see how it feels also I have a long torso so I don't know if there's any cars for girls with long torso is out there but either way that would be a headroom issue which like I have that more of that issue and you're going to be fine

there'd be very few cars out there that you would be like oh I don't fit in this yeah but then I have little legs yeah but that's fine the seat is adjustable yeah these are the wonderful world Hannah by the way the Kia EV6 has incredible handless technology but Hannah didn't trust it a hundred percent to go around a car that was sort of parked a little bit out from the of the road with two cones on it. Do you think I should do a YouTube video of how to Parallel Park? You should for the girlies.

This is Hannaberg. This is how Hot Girls Parall Parall. Because the YouTube, RuPaul helped you. RuPaul helped me. But actually, it was a combination of a lot of YouTube videos that helped me get my like method, which maybe we'll do it. Yeah, we could film it. Yeah. So I think you should do it because for the driving test, not for a tight spot in New York.

you go this doesn't actually work in real life no but because on the driving test they'll never ask you they'll never go for a tight spot there'll always be tons of room behind so for the driving test I think we came up with a full proof method but I have a part of the method in my mirror

that shows me exactly when I need to start turning back in because I was having trouble with that and I found like a full proof way to do it yeah so it's when if you want to know it's when you're the car door of the passenger seat

is touching the curb in your mirror is when you turn back in. So sorry, the car door. The handle. So you have two handles in that mirror on the right that you see. Of your own car. Of your own car.

And once the second mirror is against the curb, it's the perfect time to turn. In the mirror? Yep. Really? Yeah, and that's what... Remember, like, I completely started

I was having trouble with the first term but the second term I was always cutting in like kind of at the right time because of that wow yeah and I saw it on YouTube

oh somebody taught you that on YouTube yep well I'll be I'm a YouTube bro now I'll be darned my YouTube is just full of like in cells telling you how to parallel park

hey guys this is the right way to turn your steering wheel if you want to parol park in the right way for driving test well that's an great attitude for somebody who helped you to pass. Thanks, Encel.

Shout out. I hope you get a girl one day. So maybe you could do a video too to help insol's get pussy. No, that's my show. I'm going to pitch Insull Rehab. There you go. Yeah. I think we have a pitch.

I know. I love it. Speaking of confrontation. Okay. this is kind of it's not always confrontation but just like crazy things people said there's some passive aggressive shit in here

but it's funny I just want to say I am probably the least confrontational do you think I'm confrontational do you think I'm fucking confrontational I haven't said anything why did you get confrontational do you think do you think do you think I'm conversational no no

Hannah the joke has been made it's been established I'm sure the listeners are laughing. Do you think I'm conversational? No. Good. Do you want to ask me if you're conversational?

No. I know that I can be. You can be. But what's funny, I do have to say, I was thinking about how it's funny because reality TV, I did get into a couple times. But reality TV is improv fighting. All fighting is improv. Yeah, but reality TV, particular is literally like here's the topic go fight about it oh oh you mean like you're

instructed to yeah so like it's literally an improv show but people being like you um she said this about you he said this go right it's and then you like fight it so it's not like you all know you're getting into the fight like it doesn't really come out of nowhere ever um but confrontation I've whenever I've see confrontation out in the wild I either freeze I laugh Or I say something overly nice. Like if, like, honestly, the only times recently that I've had, like, little confrontation moments or, like, in the airport where someone, like, is being rude, like, I'm trying to get my, my, um, luggage down.

And maybe someone's like, excuse me or someone yells. And I, I'd look at them and I'd be like, I'm so sorry. I'd be like, thank you. Like, I just say thank you sometimes to people who are being mean. Really? Yeah. You're diffusing it that way. Yeah, but like you're, you're kind of being cunty because you're being so nice.

It's like, sorry, thank you. Sorry, thank you so much. Thank you. That's like if I get like really, really, really mad. But the funny thing about confrontation is when you see it in other people, you're just like appalled and like wondering why these people can't just like figure out a way to resolve it. But when you're in it, you feel like when you're in it, you feel like everyone knows that I've been wronged here. I do have to say shout out to my dad. I might have told this story, but he had like one of the coolest moments where I think he ended up going around.

a guy in a car and maybe like the guy was mad that he went around him and they both were at the next red light together and the guy comes up behind us and I was a little kid and he had a little kid in the car and the guy tells him my dad to roll down the window and he starts like cursing my dad out and I remember like the adrenaline and like feeling like really scared and my dad just kind of waved and rolled his window back up and he just looked at me and he goes he's probably going through a divorce and it was so cool and I was like yeah that guy's problem. It's not our problem. Exactly. That he's reacting that way. And that was a very rare, mature moment. Yeah. I have to say when I was 19, I was newly sober, actually. And I was a new

driver. And I had an incident where I had made a mistake, but like I was aware of it. And I had pulled in and was like waving the guy, like waving my hand being like, I'm sorry. Right. You know, I pulled down, you know, sometimes there's a street that's, like, divided by like, like, trees or like a mall or something, but it turns out that it was like each side of it was one way or the other. And I turned into one, not realizing that it was a one way. And I immediately saw the guy come in, I realized, oh, shit. So I pulled in and I had my hand up like, I'm so sorry. The guy was fucking, like, freaking out on me. And he had three kids in the car. And he was like, freaking out. So, so then I, I immediately, I wasn't that emotionally well.

at that time, newly sober, and like not very... You were tightly wound. I was, yes, and Aiden was with me, who wouldn't be the greatest diffuser of situations. And the funny thing was that all we had done was just gone to, like, a park to, like, kick a soccer ball around. Anyway, long story short,

this guy with three kids and goes, pulls over, gets out of the car. Oh. Right? So I get out of the car. And anyway, it didn't end well for him. I didn't hit him, but, like, I did end up, I pinned him against his car.

was like, I was really ready to let out all the frustration of what was going on in my life out on him at that time. But I remember seeing the kids and feeling terrible. But also, when I look back at that, I'm like, yo, I was 19. This guy with his kids in the car out of his mind, insane. But road rage is a real thing. And it's funny, I bring up the airport and you bring up the driving. It's like where there's a flow and like a system.

Well, I'm also the violent guy in the story. Yeah. But I'm saying, wherever there's a flow in a system where like, and people are like stressed how they want things to go and things don't go their way. People react different ways. It really is like animalistic that like someone does something off and people don't know how to react. But New York is great because there's always when someone is actually doing something wrong in a system, there's normally a New Yorker that'll be like, hey, it's time to go or like whatever and they fix it and you don't have to say anything.

You remember the story about me going all the way down to the honker, right? Remember that one? What's a honker? so back before they changed the traffic system near our apartment there was a day where like they suddenly closed off clinton street and like cars were just stuck and this one guy would not take his hand off the horn oh no like and but that's actual noise pollution no but it was like insane yeah and i could i looked down and i could see it was this one car kept honking nonstop and you're in your apartment yeah i'm on our floor you're this is before we met you're up In an apartment complex. Our floor. Yeah. Yeah.

And the guy, it was lasting long enough that I was like, all right, fuck this guy. And I truly assumed that he would, I've moved on by then. When I get down, this fucking Hessel is still on the horn. So this is like the time it takes to get down from our floor. Yeah. Right? He's still on the horn. Five minutes.

Anyway, I fucking, I start letting him know. You went up to the car? I went right up to the car. And I'm like, yo, what the fuck do you think this horn is doing? Like can't you see nobody's fucking going anywhere And I was giving him my spiel about like Do you know what you're doing? You can't fucking control your emotions

Which now I'm obviously aware I can't control my emotions But you can't fucking Nothing's gonna happen So don't fucking let the whole fucking world Have to deal with the fact that you don't fucking Are you not able to hand the window down? Oh yeah he was getting the full belt

He could if I had garlic that day He knew all about it What was he doing? Taking it Did he stop? What? He'd take his hand off the horn? Well, damn right, he took his hand off the horn.

But then some guy from, like, the third floor of our building was like, shut the fuck up. To you? To both of us, you know? That's the most New York City shit ever. Oh, I guess I'm the asshole now. Yeah, you're at, he both get noise pollution. Anyway, but I didn't feel bad because you just can't.

But also, that was like the early days of that apartment. And I had a little bit of buyers remorse because it was. so noisy there. Yeah. So again, it's your stuff too. Yeah, that was like the day where I'd had enough. Look, meditation is good for some people and they should do it. Honestly, I'm not a big honker. No, you never honk. The only time I honk is when someone's done something insane. Or unsafe. Yeah. Yeah. Or I'll give like a to, like, you're probably texting. You're very polite with the horn. Some people are like really loosey-goosey with it. And I'm a big flasher. I did also get in trouble. I got yelled at once. It's so funny. Like, it's so trauma. It's. It's so trauma.

I hate getting yelled at in any capacity. It was one of these like trying to find my Uber and this guy's like probably an Uber driver and said like T it was like weirdly the same car with like the first couple same numbers and I go to open the door and the guy starts like cursing me out opens his front door and like yelling at me. Do you remember I told you this? He was like maybe a year or two ago. I still remember.

I was so upset. And I think I just like, he was like yelling and I was like, I'm sorry. It's the wrong car. and then I went to shut it and it was like electric because I started to keep yelling at me and I just like walked away. Yeah.

But like it was scary. It was so scary. I was like, I'm so sorry. I just want to go home. That happened to me in Scotland. Taxi driver gave me an anti-American tirade. It was like 20 years ago.

Oh, Jesus. And he got mad at me because he said I shut the door too hard, which whatever, you know, like if I did, it was totally nice to it. Again, he's probably having a bad day. Yeah, no, but he was like, you fuck off back to America.

You fucking, you shouldn't be in Iraq me. fuck off back to where you came from me he was fucking giving it to me man but it's funny of all people me and you probably talk to strangers the most because that's our literal job like every comedy show I talk to strangers and probably say to their face

wild shit but there's an art to it there's a nuance there's a formula not necessarily formula but I know my I know how naughty I can be and I also can sense from the person their comfortability It's an art form.

Well, let's get into it here. We have a really a lot of prompts. And I think we might be close to the record of not doing a prompt. It's so funny. I feel like... I don't think we've said it. Oh, no, we did say it. What prompt?

It's 22 minutes. People are aware of it, by the way. I do... People talk about it in the comments. Well, I don't read the comments, but I did see... Every now and then I'll see people be like, I hate when they don't get straight into the prompts. And then there's some people that are like,

I wish they would talk more before the proms. Yeah. There's been a lot of positivity towards the... Really, the beginning banter. Yeah. So you know what? You guys have to have a meeting and then come back to us

with the consensus, okay? And also I do want to point out that the knee pain person did actually make a doctor's appointment after our discussion about knee pain. So that was a positive. I also want to point out that a physical therapist reached out to me to say,

I thought you gave great advice and I think it's great because a lot people are afraid to go and get their joints checked out when they have the pain. Well, you're the one to do it, Mr. P.T. Mr. Friken ignored all his body problems for way too long and now paying the price. Well, let's get into it. Let's begin with a guy. Hi, Hannah.

Hi, does. So the craziest thing someone has ever said to my face would have to be one of my ex-boyfriends who said, I never really loved you. I just saw a broken person that needed to be shown that they were capable of being loved and that shit haunts me to this day I hate that dude

but what he said sticks in my head but yeah that's the craziest thing someone's ever said to my face ew wow that's a you know what's so crazy about that it's a double whammy

passive aggressive that is so many layers to it yeah there's two in it That man is sick. That man is sick. I never loved you, which is insane. Fucked up. It's not true, but people can say that to hide from their own hurt.

Yes. Right? To make themselves feel like they're more in control. Yeah. I don't want to, they don't want to own their own pain. Mm-hmm. Right. But then to say, but I only, I felt sorry for you that I was doing you a favor.

Yeah, that he was some healer. Because you're broken. That he was some healer. Because you're broken. If you didn't love him, then why did you want to show him that? that he could be loved. And also, why are you calling him broken when clearly you have some broken pieces too

because you're trying to, like, give him the cabosh at the end of this relationship? But just to own it. Like, some relationships don't work out. Like, it's just so strange that they, you know. But the fact that it's stuck with you, listen, I get it as a good story, but it hurts me a little bit that you say that it.

I wouldn't judge anything someone says during a breakup. Yeah. It's like the hiss of a scared cat. you know or the you know the the the bark of a wounded dog yes you know but i do think there are sometimes where people during the breakup will say something like super vulnerable about themselves that you didn't realize during it you're like oh you were like um protecting yourself up until this point when you and now you're like fighting for it but this is yeah a wounded this is the opposite this is the opposite of them like being so in control and and oh this looking back this is exactly

what it was. I always had the upper hand. I was only, this was only a favor. Yeah. Oh, I don't like that at all. God, I wish this one had had pictures with it. You're so funny. That's like when they go, um, therapists wondering what people look like when you're talking about them. They're like, can I see a photo? Because I need to see this guy you're talking about if it's worth or not. Yeah. He's like, you got to let that one go. I never loved you. From us, we, we send you the, we send you the right to completely erase this person's opinion. Also, if this person wanted to show you that you could be loved, they wouldn't tell you that they never loved you.

Yeah, which is nonsense. Like that whole thing. Like what, what, that's their job. They're from fucking, you know, like people that need to know, feel that they're loved.com. Like, fuck you, bro. Fuck you. I'm good. I don't need any favors.

No. You know? Craziness. A great story. Great story. But forget it now. Let it go. Let it go.

Burn it. On burner phone. yes that's what this is like burn it yeah find a ritual the burn book you can where you can let that one go okay you know this is an interesting topic and you know i think we could discuss it hi hannah hi daz long time burner phone and giggly squad listener first time caller for some context i have red hair so i've always gotten the embarrassing does the carpet match the drapes all that type of ridicule but i've also gotten a quote unquote friend in high school tell me to my face that she would kill herself if she had a kid that came out with red hair

or that she would put her kid up for adoption if it came out of ginger. And the worst part is I just have to sit there and take it because then I would be the bad guy if I turned around and said some shit about her two strands of bleached off hair that could pass for hay. Anyways, I'm so used to it that nothing will surprise me anymore. Love you guys. Bye. I mean, I think you have every right to be able to make a... The ginger hate was so normalized and so horrible. And I heard it was even worse in the UK. Ed Shearren told me that.

Ed Shearant told you. Name drop. But because I told him, do you feel bad? Is it weird now that like cowgirl copper is like in? Like I dyed my hair red and I love it. I think I'm so fucking cool with red hair. And he was like, yeah, like you didn't have to go through the dark time. They're like ginger.

Like the red hair that people get hate for, you didn't die at that. But red hair now, it is considered like really beautiful, but they probably still, but South Park saying gingers have no souls, the way that's stuck with society was insane. And I'm going to, I'm going to call myself out here. I have made a ginger joke in my life. We all have. And in my career. Or telling someone like they're good looking for a ginger.

I've said that to men's face. before really well Francis Ellis because well yeah okay but but uh that it really is one of these kind of like accepted things and I think it's mostly because people think it's kind of a joke yeah but it's not it's hurtful yes it's hurtful and the gingers are people too yeah I mean in the next time that that woman says that in front of you like oh I would hate if I had my kid just say something along the lines of you know what sucks for your kids that they're just going to look like you or something to that effect like let them know you got to feel like and they're going to have your personality yeah your personality and your lack of consideration for human beings within

your vicinity oh my god imagine having a heartless cunt like the child that you're going to have you love confrontation we're just adding to it now you're like okay this is what you say back yeah well i mean come on you can't if i listen if i ginger your kids, I put them up for adoption. I'd be like, I wish your mom put you up for adoption. Everybody knows you. I have to hate a ginger in private. I'm just kidding. By the way, sorry, our dollar is great.

And again, that's an unacceptable joke and I made it. That was not okay. But you get what I'm getting at. I basically, I was getting, you know, at the ridiculousness of it all. But it's not fair. It's not fair. So snap back the next time. Yeah.

kiss back. Do a butter, as we say in this house. By the way, I probably should have put one in, and I didn't put any in. But 30% of these were somebody said something about me being pregnant when I wasn't pregnant. Yeah, I got a bunch of DMs about two. You didn't pick one? I didn't because it was just so many. I was overwhelmed. It's funny. When you're younger, I feel like no one assumes you're pregnant. But there's a weird age where people start thinking you're pregnant or like you're wearing a type of thing and it happens and I mean it's the worst thing you could do it's the summer which means I start to shave there's so many times when I don't want to shave because I feel like my razors will cut me or it's just going to take too long and I just

get really stressed out when it comes to shaving and that's why I love flamingo it's high performance and innovative design to hug every curvy your body together those hard-to-reach areas because I always end up cutting myself if I don't have a good razor. It's ergonomically designed for women so it fits comfortably in your hands and it's affordable. Pay as little as $2 per refill as low as half of what other big brands charge plus no pink tax. I love their moisture plus razor because it's a one-step razor that's perfect for women on the go. Quickly do my pits right before I leave or maybe if I see I missed a spot on my knee, I go for it.

They also have a pubic razor designed for coarser hair and shaving hard-to-reach spots. And the original razor is great for your everyday shave. I also love their pre-and-post-s shave essentials. So go to Flamingo, order all the products you need for hair removal. Keep smooth and refreshed with Flamingo. Hair removal products made with your body in mind and get started with an exclusive offer for our listeners, 25% off your first order at shopflamingo.com slash Hannah.

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Dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Actually, you know what? Let's keep it gay. Keep it gay. Let's go double gay. Let's go. Right? Two out of the first three.

Even though it's not pride. Hey, y'all, this is the second recording you're going to get from me because I don't like the way the first one sounded, but I sent it on accident. So this is the real one. So I have this X and this, we broke up in like 2019, but I still think about this all the time because it's insane. So when we broke up, when we were like fighting, she told me that me being upset with her for cheating on me that I was being manipulative because it was taking away her rights to her bodily

autonomy. Like me sitting there crying because she fucked somebody else is abusive and manipulative because it's taking away her bodily autonomy. And she got my ass for a little bit. I was sitting there like, oh my God, I'm abusive. Like this is not fair to her. Like I, it was, she was psycho. But then I told somebody else and I was like oh she's crazy cool well the gays are dark when they break up by the way you can lesbans are gay right yeah oh yeah no just because it's lgb you know so I was like is there a separation just something I was like questioning myself because I don't normally have these conversations where like loads of other people are listening yeah and it's not pride month anymore so we don't really have to acknowledge it no I'm just kidding but anyway wait this is so

fucked up but it makes it's just like a warning sign for everyone that when you're with the wrong person who you clearly want to believe and you want to trust and you want to listen to and you want to make things work they can make you feel insane which is why it's important to talk about your relationship to other people i don't care if it's one friend especially that's i don't care if it's your mom you have to have a third party that has like a sane perspective on things because that's crazy also once you throw words in like bodily autonomy i was just gonna say that's like you're bringing in that sneaky shit of like are you you you're saying i don't have the right to my own body well but it's also like okay that's like me saying um i want to murder someone and then you being like

don't and i'm like oh so i don't bother autonomy you can do whatever you want don't disrespect me or murder people do you know what that is that's weaponizing woke you know that's when you when you like turn something positive into something negative. Yeah, and you, you manipulate somebody into thinking that they're a bad. I mean, that is the equivalent. That is real gaslighting. You know the way people...

That's gaslighting. Yeah, people say gaslighting. They don't really know what they're talking about, but that actually gaslighting. So do you, you never watched any of the Eddie Murphy specials, right? I've seen like parts of them. Well, because this literally, this is in real life a more sort of articulate version of a joke Eddie Murphy had about, you know, a man gets caught

like straight up fucking another woman in his bed and he'd be trying to get out of and he'd be like, you know, suddenly he turns it on his girlfriend's like, yo, you are right. I fucked her, yes, I fucked her. I fucked her, yes. I make love to you. That was this joke.

Immediately I thought about that joke when this thing is like, yeah, you're telling me that I don't have a right to do what I want to do with my body you know your jealousy is you guys know i identify as gen z but i'm so happy that i'm not in like gen z relationship arguments oh that must get wild that must get in because they got all the language yeah they know way too many words they're they're they're ammoed up to the gills yeah like they'll get you they know how to i see i see them in the comments they know what they're talking about yeah you know you know what being a gen z is like a being a gen z is like a being a

is like being in rehab because in rehab you get into all this like language rehab language see and they're like like because I remember in the early days of recovery like we all got like jacked up without rehab speak and then I remember my friend said to me once I feel like you're leaking your feelings onto me oh my god all this like you know just trying to have the upper hand and whatever the fuck is going on anyway a lot of people will weaponize like therapy speak oh all the time or it's trying to think of another good one that I think sometimes therapy could be dangerous too if like your therapist is obviously like just getting your side of the story and they'll like rev you up into like that you're right so then people will co into situations

like well my therapist said do do do do and it's like well they don't know the full scope of work oh yeah happening oh and then they're like throwing words that the therapist said and then next you know you're fighting with them and the therapist not that has happened to me because a lot of my exes never went to therapy. But if they did. All right, let's get into this. So the weirdest thing anyone has ever said to my face was something that my father-in-law said to me. This was after the birth of my first son, who, by the way, was so delicious and cute.

My father-in-law told me that I was good for breeding. Now, it took me off guard because I feel like that's something you say to a dog, not an adult woman. I know that he meant it nicely because he thought the baby was really cute and that he was proud of me but yeah, something just kind of strange to say to an adult but yeah, I am good for breeding

in case anyone was wondering. All right, thank you. Love you, bye. Make a woman feel like a vessel. But it is a little a tone thing. It sounds like you said it in like a creepy, serious way because it's like funny to be like, wow, you guys are good at breeding. But like the guy didn't say it like that.

Has anyone ever said that to you? You have good hips for breeding? No. Well, let me tell you something. You do. What is that accent? It's an Irish farmer now. Childbearing hips.

You have great childbearing hips there. Do I really? You're a fine woman. You have a good caboose on you there and now. Take up the rear. train. Is the, this butt is different than hips, though. Yeah, I know, but listen, it's all connected.

Not just, not just when you're trying to compliment a woman, but also when you're talking about back pain, you know, it's really all connected. Not to be, not to be creepy, but I know some stories of like guys or girls. There's like, I think we might talk about on the pod, like a baby kink. This is one of our earliest episodes, people who have baby kinks. Oh, yeah, yeah, we had that. Where they're like, tell me you want to have my baby. And that's the only way they could, like, orgasm.

Tell me you're going to impregnate me. Yes, tell me you're going to impregnate me. Yeah. Where most of the time, if someone says, like, you're going to impregnate me, like, that would freak them out. All right. Let's go with the check this. Hey, guys. So the craziest thing that somebody's ever said to me was they were raiding my speech on a date.

So I stutter. And this man at the end of the day was like, you know your header wasn't that bad it was like a seven and I was like what does that mean he's like like 10 is severe seven is like moderate and that's the craziest shit I've ever heard on a day and like I get it you know it's not for everybody but like you don't rate somebody's speech absolutely wild that is so weird like he's not a doctor insane well the fact that he would say anything is insane. No, that's crazy.

You know, it's like if somebody has a stutter, it's like, yes, they are more than aware that they have a stutter. Do you think he was trying to say, like, your stutter's not that bad? Yeah. By saying it's a seven. It's like, hey, I'm going to tell you, it's not that bad, but I don't want you to act like I'm lying. So I'm going to give you some sort of what I think is an honest.

That's insane. I was like, first of all, we don't know. That's literally like just after a date being like, okay, after what I've seen, I'm giving you a seven. like in general like this date you everything just rating in general i don't fuck with rating anything i don't like the whole women no i hate the rating thing i hate it's so stupid but the stutter thing too it's like honestly on a first date if it's like the most nerve-wracking thing ever i stutter on a first date but i think she was saying she has a stutter yes she actually has a stutter but

him to comment like that is crazy but also I love a first date a man saying something like that because then you know because that's his best behavior yeah so you're like thank you thank you I appreciate it this has been nice

I hate when they're good at acting and it comes out like five weeks in five weeks in you're like what who are you this one is really entertaining for me I don't know if it's going to be as entertaining for you but mom once went to a wedding of her coworker and said that she was sitting at a table with the woman's

daughter and her boyfriend who's a famous musician. And I didn't think anything of it. I thought my mom was crazy. And then one night we're watching MTV and a Pearl Jam video comes on. And she's like, oh, I think that was the musician I was sitting with at the wedding. And I'm like, Mom, that's Eddie Vedder. There's no way you were sitting with Eddie Vedder at the wedding. And sure enough, she gets gets the pictures from the wedding of her table, and there's a picture of my mother with Eddie Better. And apparently my dad, I found this out years later when he was sitting at the table talking to Eddie Vedder, and Eddie Vedder said he was a musician. My dad said, you know, you really need to get a good backup job. You know, my dad's an accountant. And he was trying to talk

Eddie Vedder into being an accountant. That's amazing. I just love that story because I love Pearl Jam and I love Eddie Vedder. That is amazing. Also, I do have to say when you're dealing with famous people you say crazy shit like you just panic you forget what words but this guy didn't know he was famous didn't know he was any better hilarious but also i'm not comparing myself to eddie but the amount of people that have asked me so like do you make a living from that or do you have like another job literally yesterday i was with someone and somehow i was like i'm in comedy i feel like especially as a woman in comedy but you deal with it too they're like so are you able to make any money and then you'll be like yeah and then they just kind of think you're lying

I know like they really think that it's just like a hobby type thing like look do you get $20 for gig sometimes yes but is a part of a bigger a bigger business yes the other reason why I love the story is because I actually had a similar situation with Pearl Jam that's so funny and coincidental. I'm not going to talk, give the full details of the story, but I met two people in a social situation that said that they were touring with a, you know, they were touring and that, you know, they were musicians. So I was in Prague in the Czech Republic and I was aware that Pearl Jam was going to be performing during the time that I was there. So I said to them, Oh, are you touring with Pearl Jam?

And they said, yeah. And I was like, oh, I was going to go to the show, but it's sold out. And they were like, ah, don't worry, we'll put you on the guest list. And I was like, oh, no way, come on. And they were like, yeah, no problem. Two tickets go to the will call. So when I get to the will call, there was two VIP tickets with like all access, like, access all areas, like everything. Sorry, not backstage passes, but like the, you know, this after party pass.

and like full like catered corporate lounge stuff like insane so one of the guys ends up in like the lounge and I was like dude this is amazing like I who are you and he's like oh I'm the tour manager and that was the guitarist

it was Mike McGreedy but I'm like such a huge Pearl Jam fan but like I only ever paid attention to Eddie Vedder and by the way the Prague show was the second time I'd seen Pearl Jam Live and I literally talked to Mike McGrady. And Mike McGrady organized two tickets

for me, and I fucking didn't know was him. It's embarrassing. That reminds me of like... But I had a great night. When they would do those street interviews, like Jennifer Lawrence, and she would ask people what they think of Jennifer Lawrence. With what's his name? With my man.

Was it Jimmy Kimmel? Was it Jimmy Kimmel or something? Was it Jimmy Kimmel or was it Billy on the street, Billy Eichner? That, yeah, that. Also, do you remember the Mets when they had the new pitcher and he would go around, asking New Yorkers what they think about the new Mets pitcher. Oh, I never saw that. That was a funny one.

It was what's his name who was like supposed to be the big new thing like a decade ago. Matt Harvey? Yes. Really? He did that? Yeah, when he first was. Really? He was going around, what do you guys think of Matt Harvey?

And everyone was like giving all these crazy takes. It was so funny. I love Matt Harvey, man. Yeah. You know, Burnaphone is a pro therapy podcast. And even though actually on this episode, we're talking about people weaponizing therapy speak, but we are big advocates of people seeking therapy. But it can be hard and difficult to find a good therapist. That's why we love Rula, because finding a therapist is hard. But finding

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No wait lists, no frustrating back and forth. Rula makes it easy to find a mental health provider who is accepting new patients and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. Plus, Rula sticks with you throughout your journey, checking in to make sure your care is helping you to move forward. So go to Rula.com, Rula.com, R-U-L-A-com slash burn, to get started today. That's R-U-L-A.com slash burn, B-E-R-N, for quality therapy that's covered by insurance. You know, we love fostering kittens.

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Everything happens for a reason. You're saying that to somebody after some, my mom died on purpose. God made my mom die. It just pissed me off so much in the moment. And I just now learn from that experience. And when people tell me bad news, I just say, fuck, that sucks. I'm sorry. What can I do for you? You know, or just do stuff for them without even asking. Anyway, grief is weird.

We're uncomfortable with it. And people say crazy shit. Amen. It's people are uncomfortable with it and they get their responses mixed up. Like you say that when like, you know, not that. You don't use it then. There's different instances where maybe you could throw that in the mix. People say that all the time.

Didn't this come up recently? Yeah. When were we talking about that? Because I know I said it to someone once because they didn't get something in their career. Oh, yeah. Which I think is a valid time to say it. Like things happen for a reason. Maybe that wasn't what you were meant to do.

And like you outgrew that. And they got really mad at me. Oh, they got mad. Yeah, they were like, because they were just mad. They didn't get something. Yes. And I said that. And it's like, stop fucking.

fucking say that. Hey, when people fucking say that. And I was like, sorry, I really don't want to be here right now anyway. I was just trying to help. Well, I, you know, because in the show about my mom, I, sorry, it was a dead mom, not a, not a dead dad, but the show about my mom, I make the joke about, like, people don't know what to say, you know. One of the jokes I make is people say, well, she's looking down on you. And I say, yeah, that's a nice thought, you know, when you're, like, about to do, like, a big show or something. And, like, you do that sometimes, like, you look up. You know, we still look up. Isn't it funny? Like, I don't believe in heaven, but like I still look up when I'm like thinking about my parents, which is

essentially just looking up into my brain. But I do look up. So, you know, you look up and you think like, yeah, they're looking down. Then sometimes you're like jerking off or trying to make a baby. You're like, mom, go watch your show. Yeah, go talk to God. Go watch your show and go have a confrontation with in the heaven car road rage. to somebody that God is a control freak because you're being triggered by the fact that you're not in charge in heaven. No, fight with someone on the line in heaven.

The grocery heaven line. I do think you've actually... Actually, you know, Ezra Klein, you know, the New York Times podcaster, journalist, a TikTok popped up. But he told a great conspiracy theory joke, which just reminds me about being up in heaven. Did you hear it?

There's a quick version of the joke is a guy gets to the pearly game, and God is at the pearly gates and he says, who killed JFK? And God goes, well, it was Lee Harvey Oddwold. It was a lone shooter and that's the story. And the guy at the pearly gates goes, wow, this goes higher than I thought. But anyway, sorry, Ezra Klein joke.

Well, Ezra Klein is saying it's just like a joke joke, but it's a good joke about conspiracy theories. How do we get here? you said we were joking about heaven oh heaven um i was going to say though with grief you've helped me in terms of like you were like all i want is someone to say sorry like i'm sorry for your loss and that made me feel better because sometimes you feel like

just saying i'm sorry for your loss feels like kind of like not enough i know but the thing is that there's nothing you can say nothing's enough yeah there's nothing you can say but you can say things that are weird and off and uncomfortable such as everything happens yeah everything happens for a reason. It's like, yeah, you didn't, you weren't supposed to have your mom in your life? That doesn't sound right. It's insane. That's insane. Some of the things people say, though, are actually quite funny.

So, speaking of conspiracy theories. The craziest thing someone ever said to me was that when I mentioned that my son is autistic, He said that I'd better not get him any more vaccinations. And I was like, what? And he was like, yeah, because, you know, it causes autism. And I was like, no, it doesn't. And I just wanted to back out of there immediately. but I was trying to be nice because it was the owner of an MMA place right next to where I work.

And I was, I didn't, you know, I didn't want to start anything. So I was, I just like smiled politely and was like, yeah, they've actually. Anyway, I mean, that one speaks for itself. Yeah. The fact that it was an MMA place, I mean. It's too easy. Yeah. But I do think it's funny when you're talking to.

a stranger and you're both like assuming you're on the same page with something and then they throw something like random political that's different than yours and then you're like oh I don't know who I'm talking to like I mean I like honestly you say that I like competition which I don't and like especially these days like people can spout some like total fucking nonsense that I don't believe in like I don't mean like political shit I mean like mumbo jumbo jumbo health stuff and I never actually just get into the confrontation. I'm like, yeah. You know, I just kind of... True. I love... I get into that all the time where someone, like,

especially during COVID, will give me this like long speech of what I should be doing and I'm like stuck in a green room with someone and I'm just like, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, my God, you're so right. Thank you. Yes, thank you. Great. Great advice. I appreciate it. Thank you. I'll never use seed oils again. Thank you.

So, okay, let's keep it. Let's keep it. I didn't need to add to that. But when... But I sure is how I wanted to play it. But I do have to say, it's interesting that moment that you decide, do I want to turn this conversation until... Well, I mean, she did in fairness.

Like, you know, listen, the whole vaccine's caused autism thing. Like, I'm on the record, you know? Just about some of the nonsense around vaccines. But I can't imagine what it's like to have a child with autism and just be dealing with that all the time. And then just have these people who have just... He's also like, he's blaming her. He's blaming her.

Well, yeah, there's so much about it that's fucked up. So, but at least she actually did say no. It's not true. But, you know, she didn't get, but I, I think it was pretty brave of her to even just say that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, part of it, because she probably deals with it so much, she's kind of not as scared to just be like, yeah, that's not.

Yeah, that's not what's going down. Thank you. Anyway, let's keep, let's keep it moving. moving baby we'll do one more i was waiting online to see rent back in the late 90s and a gentleman walking by started to sort of um heckle a bunch of us sitting in line and he specifically said to me wow you know you could be really pretty if you lost a little weight you're like a chubby brook shields that's it's funny the things people say people are crazy

my mother used to say that though all the time but not to the people's faces not to their face though because my mother was such a fucking she was so heightest she was so sizest she was so vain but she would always be like you know if she wasn't so fat she'd be good looking

like she was terrible my mother actually really she was trying to create monsters with her children she really passed on some of the most insane vanity I any human being could ever pass on to their child. It's also like

when people are drunk and it's nighttime and everyone's out and like someone's showing off in front of their friends like the stuff they say to people is insane when they're in show-off mode.

So I like this as a finisher. Okay? Because it made me giggle a lot. My mom told me last week that the world doesn't revolve around me. I'm a lot. I'm obsessed. That's the funniest thing I've ever fucking heard. Your mom's a comedian, clearly. Your mom is like every mom in the world. There isn't a mom in the world that hasn't said that sentence. But the joke is that moms need to be obsessed with us. And if I call my mom and she doesn't answer, there must be a reason because her life revolves around me. Well, yes. And I do want to say that obviously we don't have children. And I don't have children for. of my second family, which doesn't exist, by the way,

but we have been involved in helping out with some adolescents during this summer, and they're wonderful. But you definitely understand why parents say that during the adolescent years, because there's definitely, you know, maybe just a lack of awareness. Well, there's a weird point where...

It's a phase, though, but it's developmental. It's developmental because there's a weird place where like when you're growing up you need your parents to care for everything you do but then you start growing out of it but you're still mentally there where it's like I need food and they're like you can go into the fridge and grab something but you're you're like still evolving with it you guys we're socializing our cats and they're we have three new kittens and they're really doing great actually the shyest one is coming towards us some severe bravery right now I think he loves burner phone like he's really into the podcast

Do you, what is the craziest thing that anybody has ever said to you, my little shy friend? Speaking of go to Southampton Animal Shelter.com, if you're in the New York, Long Island, tri-state area, and there's plenty of kittens that will be adoptable, that are adoptable. And they need help, even, they need fosters right now if you live in the Long Island area, because they're about to do a renovation, so they're going to need to relocate temporarily at least some animals. So go to Southampton, nammothshelter.com. Also, to wrap this up, I want to let you guys know, I announced my New York City show.

That's right, Carnegie Hall. Carnegie Hall in November. It's on pre-sale right now. Get tickets before they sell out. I love you guys. Has anyone asked you how you got out there? Practice, practice, practice. Also, I'm in West Hampton, August 14th.

And I'm in San Francisco in September, Las Vegas in September, and Nashville in October, and Seattle and Portland in December. But I don't think they're on sale yet, those ones. So anyway, guys, thank you so much. Hit the Spotify comments. We're loving life over there.

I mean, you're giving me life over there on the Spotify comments, so please leave a comment. And thanks for all your contributions. And don't forget that you, the Telby link is out there. It's on the description of our podcast. And you can leave a Telby at any time. I will be checking them out, especially those interim week ones.

They're very easy to find. So we'll talk to you next week. Thank you guys. Hey, Des, hey, Hannah. Love the pod. I'm going to try to be super fast because it's a little bit of a long story. So my daughter goes to preschool and was bit by a kid. And I totally understood because, you know, I've been there,

my kid's been the biter. And so fast forward, like a week or two, it's graduation. And the mother comes up to me and she's like, oh, so-and-so loves Julie. He wakes up every morning saying her name and how he can't wait to see her. And then one day in the car, so-and-so turns me and says, you know what, Mommy? Julie's such an asshole. And I'm looking at her like, why are you telling me this story? I don't want to hear it. And I kind of felt like saying to her, like, actually, my kid said that you're an asshole because he bit her. So yeah, I think that's the craziest thing that anyone has ever said to my thanks. Bye. I went to a physical therapist to get my leg pain checked out and he asked me to touch my toes. So I did. And when I stood up, he said,

whoa, you're pretty flexible for a big girl. I was in ninth grade, 14. Hey, Hannah and Des. I love you both dearly. So this is the rudest thing somebody's ever said to my face. Not sure if I can confirm it's the craziest, but I am an actor and as you both may know, the acting business is full of ups and downs, right? So last. summer I had to move back home with my parents in Colorado and just get a summer job to make some money. And so I was a boat inspector at Colorado Parks and Wildlife. And I live in this tiny, tiny town. And so everybody fucking knows who I am. Sorry, I'm the most famous person ever. And some guy comes to clean his boat and he's like, oh, you're this person, right? And I was like,

yeah, I am. And he was like, didn't you go to school for theater? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, oh well that obviously didn't work out because you're here excuse me happy to say i am back in theater and booked and blessed hey hannah hey des when i was about like 35 36 weeks pregnant um a gentleman in line in front of me at the post office asked how i was feeling and it was like really sweet because he was you know definitely like close to like my great grandfather's age, like just really sweet, sweet old man. But then he proceeds to tell me that in his home country, he would assist women with their labor and delivery and recommended that I start priming my nipples so that my milk would come in. And dead ass, I just did not know

like how to respond to that. Yeah, so that was probably like the most unsolicited advice I'd ever received in my life. Thanks. Have a good one.