Berner Phone - Berner Phone #102: Are you better than everyone?

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

We asked the dialers to share what makes them feel better than everyone else. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows

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And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. It's us, mom and dad, reporting from the Burner Bishop, Bed and Breakfast. We have a lot of guests. The Burner Bishop, bed and breakfast. Yes, we've had a lot of people.

We have my brother and his wife and two children coming. We had other, we had Paige this weekend, her brother. We had other comedian friends previously. We are just the hostesses with the mosts. I got my cousin, Shnade, coming. Shanade's coming. And I feel like we were doing a pretty good job. Yeah, I mean, it's not our, it's not our area of expertise.

No. But we've stepped up. Yes. Also, if you hear any little noises in the background... You know at this stage. That's our kittens. They're having fun. We have fun here.

Of course, they haven't been playing with the noisy toy until we started the podcast. Yeah, but I don't think they can really hear that. I'm actually going to move it, so they can't play with it as loud. Okay. Wonderful. We have fun here. We have fun here. Yeah, we have three cats.

We have Cupid, who's also called Boots, who's also called Sox, a.k.a. Um, and then we also have Jack and Rose, aka Jack Black, aka Gemini. Gemini. I call her Gem sometimes. Really? Look, we have fun here. Why Gemini? Because half her face is white and half is black. Oh. So it's like Gemini's a two-faced. Oh. But I love Gemini's a good name. I know. Why don't you change it? I love, I was going to Gemini, Leo, and Aquarius, Aqua. But, um, look, we don't know. We don't know.

And also, I realized when I named the first pair, I got too attached to them. Like, once I, like, love them with their names. I got so attached. But I'm actually, I feel like this is going to be a very funny episode today. Really? Yeah, the prompt is really funny. The prompt came from last week's episode. We actually remembered it.

We love keeping it within the community. listen back to get it. Oh, you had to listen back. Yeah, because I, I thought it was worth it. It's what makes you feel better than other people. Yes. But before we get into it, there's a few updates. They came into the Telby in response to last week. Can I, can I play them? Yes. Just to show that the dollars are. And if you don't know what a Telby is, it's where you can submit us questions. I mean, that's where these messages come in. And isn't it in the description? of the pod. I feel like it is. I think it is.

It may or may not be. Or it's on my Insta stories once a week. And it's always the same. But anyway, so this was in the Spotify comments everywhere. There was a huge response to this particular situation. I'm a week late, but

what's bugging me is people like Andrew who think that just because they're going a little bit over the speed limit that they have the right to be in the left-hand lane, not passing anybody. If I'm going 120 miles an hour, I'm still

going to be in the right-hand lane. And then when I have to pass somebody, I go on to the left, I pass them, and get back in the right. Doing my 120 miles an hour is none of your business how fast I want to be going. You and your 85 miles an hour need to be in the right-hand lane if you're not

passing anybody. And why, I don't know why this is not common knowledge, but it needs to be. And appreciate you, Des. for understanding the proper rules of the road and hopefully the message will get out to a little more of the population in order to decrease the amount of traffic on highways

because there's people like Andrew that are causing all the... We're never going to get a guy message in again. I don't know this guy Andrew message in. He's getting stoned. He's getting stoned in the Spotify comments. Wait, for people who I didn't listen, what did Andrew say?

So last week's prompt, what was it again? It was things that bug you. Oh, yeah, what's bugging you? Yeah. So Andrew, it gave three. And in fairness, they were quite funny and he was performing hard. But one of them was when he's driving 85 in the left-hand lane and somebody's like up his ass basically, right?

And then passing him on the right side. And, you know, he was wrong about that, basically. and the Spotify comments lit up about that. It's, you know, it's fine. I really, I don't need to add anything else. We discussed it well, but this dialer's passionate response. She was worked up. You could tell she was like.

It represents the feeling in people. Yep. You know? Yep. And it's not even the first time that I've brought up my frustration with that. People don't know about the driving on the right, pass on the left. But anyway, it's been established. We don't need to spend too much time on the responses.

but one other passionate response that came from what's bugging you last week because what happened was the what's bugging you episode bugged a lot of people. So hold on. Hannah, Des, I'm calling to be controversial.

On your last episode, some girl said something that's bothering her is men with their feet out. Listen, I've been on this wave since I was a child. People used to call me shoeless Sophie as a kid because I was barefoot all the time.

I think everyone should be barefoot all the time. I think Birkenstocks and flip-flops are the closest we can get to everybody being barefoot all the time, which they should be. We're connecting with our animal ancestors. We're grounding ourselves. We're letting our little piggies touch the grass and the dirt and whatever else they want to touch because we should be free. shoes are constricting, don't conform to society, free the dogs. I don't have a foot fetish. If anybody does power to you, no judgment.

So I'm with her. I don't believe this like, you know, men shouldn't have their toes out. I think so I'm with her. I mean, the fact that her indicators seem to be going along. It made it sound like the beginning of a 60 minutes episode. And then she was running out of time and it was still clicking. And I was like, she's been on the clock the whole time. But anyway, there is a passing on the right lane joke there,

but I don't know driving well enough to do it. But no, I agree. Also, there was something with tennis where tennis players, you know, when you're not playing, you wear flip flops. But then people were saying like, oh, that it's better to, that flip flops can be bad. Because you have to, like, walk differently. Like, you have to hug it.

Right. But then there's the people that like the shoes that have toes, toe shoes. Yeah. Well, there's a whole, there's a whole movement of people that think it's much better for your body in general to walk barefoot. Yes. One time I was jogging in Sydney, Australia. And this dude ended up sort of jogging at a similar pace to me. We ended up jogging together for the full, beautiful Bondi to Bronte.

Romantic. jog and he jogged he was a barefoot jogger because he read that book the mexican guy that like jogged barefoot you can some people probably know i played tennis for 10 minutes yesterday barefoot and i think i sprayed my ankle but i also have very large calves and very tiny ankles so i'm prone you're prone you think it was ankle you think he did something your foot ankle foot yeah basically every time a good tennis player is in our vicinity you get injured right before you have the chance to play them which is so annoying i know if you're People don't remember last summer, Des brought all these Irish tennis players to come play with me.

And I got in the night before and I was hungry. So obviously, I ordered Mexican Uber Eats. And as I went down to get the Uber Eats, I just like sprained my ankle on the curb. Like really bad. Really bad. Like a really bad sprain. And Des was like, are you serious right now? I know.

Now you've done it again. I got another Irish player ready to play you straight out of Sutton Tennis Club in Dublin. And I swear to God. I'm more apt to pretend I'm injured when it's people who aren't good wanting to play with me. Like, this is what I train for. But you know what? Send me my well wishes for my big ass calves and tiny ankles. Not to brag.

Not to think that I'm better than everybody else. Not to think that I have humongous calves. But I have humongous, beautiful calves. Yes. In proportion to your booty. It's a fine proportionate mix of your huge calves. and quite large booty. I do think if I didn't have a big butt

and I had huge calves, it could look kind of strange. Yes. Well, people would be like, how are those tiny calves holding up that ass? Well, I think my calves have gotten bigger to carry my truck. Yeah, every step is like you're on like the calf machine. All right,

so what makes you think you're better than everybody else? Does what makes you think you're better than everyone else? I mean, listen, definitely, you know, don't drink, you know? Yeah. I mean, by the way, this is lighthearted. I don't, I don't have any. It's in the tongue and cheek. It's the tongue and cheek nature of this. But like the fact that I don't drink, never hung over. Yeah. Don't have to worry about that. I can, I can literally go out for free. Yes. Just drink tap water. Yes. But would you argue that. Would you argue that it's because you can't drink, though, that you don't drink? Well, that is, that is a fact. Yeah.

but that would be The fact you have the mental strength not to drink. No, I mean, the fact that you bring it up that way, you know, some people might say you're being an asshole. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I mean, I stopped drinking.

I was 19, 30 years ago, two weeks ago. Congratulations. So, you know, it's like, no, but that is one of the things that I think I'm better than everybody else. The three languages for sure. I mean, because Gaelic, that's just for funzies. Like, that's not even practical.

that's just showing off. So there's that. And I mean, I'll think of all this as we go alone, but what are some of yours? If we're being so honest in my heart, I think I'm better than everyone because I'm from Brooklyn. Really? Yeah. Okay. That's good.

I have nothing to say. Oh, you don't agree? No way. I mean, it has nothing to do with you. Your parents move you there. No, I'm only being hard on you because you were like, do you think it's because you're an alcoholic? Do you think it's because you actually had a problem so that doesn't really make you better

than everybody else? Do you think it's because your spirit is weak? Do you think you're better than me? Because if you did have a sip of alcohol, the whole house would get burned down? When you were growing up in Brooklyn, it was still a shithole. Anyway.

No, you know what it was? I never thought I was better than people because I'm from Brooklyn until I went to Wisconsin for school and people treated me like I was 50. set and they literally like I didn't realize that it was so cool but you know there was so much when i went to ireland 1990 there was so much negative press about new york at that time that irish people literally used to say to me can you go outside yeah people getting shot on the people were like

do you know who shot biggie smalls and they always said to me are you from the bronx the irish people were obsessed with the bronx why because the south bronx was like just famously a bad neighbor like the south bronx there was a time in america in the world yeah that the south Bronx was probably one of the most famous bad neighborhoods. But also the movie The Warriors was just a big movie in Ireland. It must have just been on like regular TV. Yeah. You don't know the Warriors, right? No. Warriors come out and play. Anyway, that movie was quite big and those gangs kind of came out of the South Bronx. But anyway, I also think I'm better than people because I order Medium Rare. Rare. Rare makes you better than other people. Medium Rare is very normal.

You're in like 30% of people go medium room. I'm struggling. I'm trying to find things. Hannah, you're good at tennis. But that doesn't make me feel better than people. I train my whole life to be good at it. I mean,

so? No, I do think I'm better than people because I'm like naturally athletic. So like any like physical game we play, like I know I'm not going to be at the bottom. Do you think you're better at everybody because you can sleep until 12 o'clock without effort? No, it's called depression. Oh.

Wait, I think you think you're better than people Because you have a good head of hair Oh, yeah, I probably, you know, obviously the gray You know, the gray's controversial Some people think it's a positive, some people think it's a negative But a good head of hair, you know, heading towards 50 A lot of men comment on your hair Comment on my hair

They go, to me, they'll be like, your husband's got a great head of hair Yeah, like there's some like secret about it You know what's funny? Never got a brand. deal. Never got a hair brand deal, man. How is one of these purple shampoo companies not giving me a brand deal? We haven't had one ad on this podcast for purple shampoo. I mean, come on. And let's be honest, this man loves a purple shampoo. I love per-I, do you want to tell him what I did lately? I went balls to the wall. He went full diva and got Caristas. Caristas, which I'd never

heard of before, but women immediately are like Caristas. I know they went into the shower. They were like, Because I have it in the outdoor shower when people stay, though. Who's got the caroussus is known for having, like, really good blue shampoo. Well, I'll tell you why I think I'm better than other people. I use carostas shampoo. But the funny thing was my dad always used purple shampoo, but I didn't really understand why. I love the, like, little things. Yeah, let's get into it.

I feel like they're going to be good. Okay, let's go. Well, actually, I'm going to play this one first just because it's like, something that we deal with a lot Hi Des Hi Hannah So one thing that makes me feel like I'm better than other people Is when I'm in an airport

And I'm about to get on a flight And they call military up first You won't catch me Telling somebody I'm military in any other situation But the minute they're like military boards first I am on the plane And I am in my seat I don't care if I'm in the way back

I'm sitting down in my seat And I'm like peasants I'll board first, but it's not because I, like, want to brag that I'm military. It's because I want that overhead baggage secured for my sea. I don't want to have to check my little carry-on in. That's crazy. I wonder. But I'm sitting here telling you that I'm not going to tell people I'm military outside of that situation, but here I am.

That's incredible. Podcast input saying I'm military. But, yeah, it makes me feel better than anybody else. for boarding first. A lot of gaps. She didn't want to land the plane. No, that's amazing. And I wonder, you know, there's all these military commercials saying, like, do you want to be brave?

Do you want to make your family proud? Their number one thing should be, do you want to be the first one to get on the plane? Do you want to always have overhead space? Do you want to never have to worry about getting your bag in the overhead? Do you want to look at annoying businessmen who are yelling on the phone and get in front of them and give them the finger? Yeah, do you want to be ahead of the Delta Diamonds? Because actually, I think I'm better than everyone else because I'm a diamond.

But she's got me. She's got you. I mean, thank you for your service, but we know why you did it. I go, how many years do they actually do? Were they in Nam? Just kidding. Okay, Hannah. Jesus.

Keeping it lighthearted. Jesus Christ. So. Oh, God. Yeah, because listen, I always respect the military boarding first, but sometimes I question sometimes i question some of the uh people who need extra assistance i well when you're going on a trip to like aruba or like any of these like no you're going you're going to uh west palm you're going to west palm half the plane half the plane needs help and i'm like this bitch is 56

she does not need help and like one lady like like sprained her ankle and she's going first i'm like Like, I sprained my ankle, too, but I'm not going ahead of someone in a wheelchair. I felt guilty when I was doing that when I had the torn ACL post-surgery and stuff, like in the wheelchair. You had a full leg brace. I still felt guilty. No, there are these old people that, like, they're not even that old. God, I remember when I was, like, I guess I guess I was coming back from surgery. So I was like five weeks, maybe post-ACL reconstruction or maybe a little longer.

and I decided I didn't need the assistance to get from check-in to the gate. Holy shit, I regretted that. Yeah. Like, you have no idea how long airports are until your mobility is impaired. Don't be a hero. I also think I'm better than other people because my mom is a principal of a school. Yes. I feel like there's something like very, like, what's it called when you're like a king or a queen,

royal about it like she was regal regal being the principal especially of the middle school in Brooklyn that was quite successful public school. You already thought you were better because you were at that school. Well I do say I also low key that was better than people I didn't because I went to public school

in the city. I don't know I feel like it's like it makes you hard. Yeah. It makes you cultured. It makes you... I mean I have to say going to Catholic school in Queens we definitely thought that the public school kids were trashier. No, but the public, that's like so made up. I mean, obviously it depends what school, but like public school, New York City is great. No, I know, but that was just a thing, you know?

Yeah. You know, we thought that they were like more advanced. But it was Catholic school private? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, you didn't know that? No. I just thought you guys were religious.

You're so secular. I just thought you were religious. No, no, no. It's, it's, it's, it was tuition, private school. Okay, let's, let's crank it on. I have this listed as funny driving one, but I can't, I can't remember what it was. You know what we need more in this pod? Driving stories.

Sorry, is this too many? No, I'm just kidding. Hi, Des and Hannah. I'm going to give you the two reasons and the two reasons alone why I'm better than other people. I use my fucking blinker when I'm turning and I fucking press the gas when the light turns green. Love you. So I'm kind of obsessed with who listens to, a lot of people listen to Brennerphone and Giggly Squads. But let's be honest, the burn of phone listeners are a certain type.

I realize it's the gigglers who have anger problems. Right. They really connect with you. They love that you get them riled up and you let them feel their feelings. Well, listen, people that don't indicate, man, like unacceptable. No, 100%. But I will say, I got to give an ounce of compassion to the person who doesn't take off straight away to green. because I think we've all gotten distracted.

We've all been tooted at, at a green, being distracted. Also, I was told by Greg, that you don't just... Greg, you're driving instructor. You don't just go immediately on green. You make sure that there's no one... You check for a second. You make sure there's no lunatics. But it's funny now that I've been driving without a license.

I am out here... No, no. I'm sorry, with a license. I've been out here calling people out. I go, late to put on the blinker. Oh, interesting. Okay, didn't check your blind spot. Like, I'm out here calling people out.

No one's following the rules on the road. Well, the minute you get your driver's license, you stop doing the cross-hand. The second I got a message from somebody being like, tell Hannah, she did a good reverse out. Somebody was watching you. Okay, so I'm, I was, I parked in town, and I was trying to reverse out, but I realized there's all these cars behind me, so I was going to wait for the cars. And then I realized there's a car, like, unsure. But then I realized the car was waiting for me to get out to take my

spot, which was quite stressful. So I'm like trying to get out, but be smooth. Then I realize these two gigglers are watching me. Then I look, one of the gigglers, a friend of the family, Mia, that I've known since her birth. She's laughing hysterically. She's been mentioned now, I think, on all the pods. Yeah, she's laughing hysterically. I give her the finger. And then I head out. Shout out, Mia. She'll hear this. She'll hear this. yep so um anyway that is definitely just to not to be boring but a mistake that a lot of early drivers at the beginning make is being overly courteous to the point where it's actually like dangerous because you did it a couple of times when we were practicing parallel park it's like

oh i'll just wait it's like no you should go actually because you're pushing somebody way out so sometimes you got if they're slowing down you got to go yeah anyway listen we're not getting into it we're not getting into it okay here we go Hi guys. Okay, I'm just going to get right into it. The way that I found out that I was better than everyone else was when I started to join Facebook groups. They are utterly terrifying. There's about half a million people in there asking the most basic, generic questions that they could easily Google, but instead they're asking a bunch of other strangers who are also not telling them the right thing. It's utterly terrifying, knowing these people can vote and drive and do all

the things. P.S., congratulations on your license, Curley. Anyway, yeah, I'm way better than people because I know how to Google things, and I don't ask strangers in Facebook groups. It's bizarre. It's scary. Okay, bye. I love you. It is, I, listen, Reddit groups, Facebook groups. I think it's great if you're asking for an opinion. Like, what do you think? What do you prefer? Yeah, what's your preferred robo? Give me the real take on this. Yeah, what's your preferred robo? vacuum. Yes.

Is this vacuum as good as they say? What's your guys experiences? That's great. But when, go ahead. Yeah, when you're asking people who are equals to you in this Facebook group and no one knows how to use their properly about facts,

you're not going to get facts. Yeah, but you know what it is? It's like people want to be part of a community. So it's just a way to engage in conversation. Yes. At the end of the day, people just want to feel less alone. I'll tell you what, though.

there was a lot of people looking for advice on like serious injuries in Facebook groups and Reddit groups. And I did get some good help out of the Reddits, but like sometimes the things that people ask, it's like, yo, you need to go to a doctor. Like this is, you know, like I've had surgery and I'm just looking for some advice on like, you know, what's a handy way to get stuff out of the fridge when you're on two crutches? You're like, hey, my knee has swollen up and I don't know what to do. The top of my knee is dislocated to my ankle. Is this bad?

Why are my toes facing to my ass? It's like, I think it's a compound fracture. I get if you've like gone to a doctor and you're maybe like a little unsure about what they said or they said get other opinions, but, um, or if you're rating a specific doctor, but yeah, that's a hundred of cent true. Um, I do love hanging out with like boomers and older though sometimes where you're having conversation and they start like being confused about like a simple thing like the date of billy joel's first album and they're like talking about it and talking about it and i'm like guys

we could solve this right fucking now go on chat gbt and it'll tell you Alexa but it's it's funny how back then you just had to wonder you just wondered when his first album was well yeah or you had to like well you could argue argue with each other uh you could uh you could get you could get You could go to Encyclopedia Britannica. You could go to the library. You could go to the record store and try to find it. I know. God, it's amazing. It used to be great because, you know, if you just really had like a strong arguing style,

you were always right. If you just had confidence. Yeah. But, you know, it still kind of works online, let's be honest. Yeah, exactly. Well, you know, you just, it doesn't. So here's the thing now, classic quote from Kelly Ann Conway. I think it was Kelly and Conway, but there's alternative facts.

I think it was Kelly and Conway. You know, it's like, now it's like, there's like three versions of the fact. Take your pick, you know? Whichever one makes you comfortable, that's, that's your fact. Oh my God, I haven't heard that name forever. Kelly and Conway? Yeah. She's still around.

Her daughters. They're separated now, though. Her daughter is on TikTok. Yes, yes. Where she had the famous kind of like meltdown and like, she wanted to like divorce her parents or whatever, you know. Yeah. Anyway, it's funny how time flies.

Seems so long ago now. Time flies when you're having fun. all right this is uh oh no i'm not gonna i'm not gonna do another flying one just yet yeah let's stop with the flying and the driving for a second well okay relax the cacks okay so hannah and i love hungry root particularly because we've had a lot of guests this summer but i'm really giving a shout out to the parents here because do you know how handy hunger root can be now that back to school time is right around the corner hungry root will be able to figure out what your kids love, week on week, they get smarter and smarter.

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to my IRA account and honestly like IRA is probably a scam i don't know i just know to do it for delayed gratification on getting some bands when I retire but when I was 18 I opened it up and it is steady going up and I honestly feel like I am better than everyone love you guys I mean come on opening at 18 you are you're better than you're better than everybody you're better because I feel like people don't want to tell you the math of like exponential growth my brother showed me once it's kind of fucking crazy if you start investing money when you're 18 by the time you're 50, like, millionaire. Yeah, but not only that, you can tax defer, you know, it's tax deferred growth.

Yeah, I don't, I think it's not bullshit at all. Yeah. Put stuff in an IRA. I was having trouble because 401K, you have to have like a real job and I kept like, I never had a 401K. No, but that you can have an IRA. You know, you can have different types of IRAs. And you can also have an STD.

Correct. You know? But that's in both situations, if you don't have an IRA and you have an STD, it means that you're being, you're being too risky. You know, this is all about risky behavior. So if you're, if you're risk averse, risk averse, you either don't have multiple partners or you practice safe sex, constantly go to get STD check, and you have a tax deferred growth IRA. And people never thought we'd be having this conversation. But anyway, I'm always a big... We're about sexual and financial wellness.

I was late to the... I wasn't that late, actually. But I originally started putting into a retirement savings account based on the fact that there was tax relief. And I don't think enough people really know about that. And a 401K is also, there's tax deferred on that. So, you know, and then, you know, your parents die and you inherit it. And you have to take out a minimum of that.

every year because it was tax deferred but we're not going to get too boring this is not a financial podcast not a financial podcast as they say so we'll crack it on great great suggestion um this is actually i i don't think this is actually thinking they're better it was just like a random thing that came in and i thought it was actually very interesting topic hey guys i'm a supporter quick little thing here i hate when a guy early stages asks for a news nude, then shows their insecurity by asking who have you sent it to before and who did you take it for? Immediately now, seeing what I needed to see, immediately now.

It was just like randomly in the middle of everything. Wait, that's, I love how she also goes, I'm a supporter. I support the cause. Yeah. You know, but the thing is that there's not enough chat about the etiquette of nudes. You know, it's like, listen, bro, if you're asking a girl to send nudes and she's comfortable sending nudes. she said news before

nothing wrong with that don't think somehow that like you want her to send you news but somehow it's like you're the you're the only guy that's been hot enough in her life for her to want to send a nude that's such a red flag for a guy to get jealous

that after you doing something for him for him unbelievable which actually brings me back to the point of the pod I think I'm better than people because I don't send nudes you don't send nudes and it's makes the reason the reason I didn't

said nudes was because I thought I was going to be president one day because I'm the should have thought of that before anyway whatever no like I'm I'm delusional I just always thought that like I was going to do something one day

that I couldn't have naked photos in the internet for and it was like at a young age I also am risk reverse I'm scared and I also was like the girl who like in middle school like wouldn't let guys hug her because I was like you're trying to cop a field like i don't know i never trusted men i didn't like um and i was like

you gotta work for it i'm gonna just get fucking send you a photo of my tits yeah um but just that's sort of that double speak there of like send me a nude but also like or you send nudes like what the fuck no it's crazy but also i have i've had many friends have many different strategies i had some friends that had a nude library when it was time you know she sends it for you're not always in the mood to send a nude. Sometimes you're bloated. Sometimes, most of the time when girls are sending nudes. They're eating chips from their chest watching TV. Yeah, they send old nudes. Listen, you take the nude first thing in the morning before the bloat. Exactly. And some of these guys, whose dick are you even sending? Because that wasn't your dick, you sent me. Yeah, exactly. And also,

don't send it next to a remote. That's just, like, insecure. Guys will send dicks next to a remote to try to show, like, how big their dick is. Oh, really? Because if it's like showing how small a kitten is by putting her next to a sneaker. But like some of these remotes are small guys. Yeah, I'm going to send it next to the Apple TV remote. You remember Apple TV, that little, just a little circle on it? Like an iPod Nano. It's an ozempic, yeah, tiny little one.

And then guys started to do 0.5 on their dicks to make it look bigger. Wow. But. Hey, listen. I saw a lot of overhead face shots, though, from women, too. There's a lot of dishonesty when it comes to photos. True. But I also think, I was pre- Snapchat.

I mean, I had Snapchat like in my 20s, but like I wasn't a little kid snapping, you know, nudes. That was a thing for a certain generation that was close to me, which I think the fact that I disappeared, everyone was like, yeah, this is great. I just always feel like a piece of my soul is leaving me and not to like be, um, I don't know, some of these dudes, I also just because I know so many athletes growing up, all they do is show their friend immediately. Like, that's all they do. And I just, like, felt that. And I just didn't want to be like, but then some girls might like that's like, yeah,

my tits are beautiful. Go show all your friends. Be proud of, like, these tits. I bet you want them. So that's also just like a mindset where I was like a little more shy with that. But great advice and very funny. Very, very funny. Caught my attention.

We'll keep it moving. There's a couple of other... There was a lot of, like, off-topic things that came in. But this one is, listen, you are better than everybody else for this one. Knowing how to fold a fitted sheet. Very quick. Dude, she's right. She wins.

She's right. I just rolling that shit up in a ball. Des and I yesterday, because we were hosting, we realized we should probably hang, like, those, like, in-between-tallel. like they're not they're not for the shower towels for the bathroom rail yeah for like when you're washing your hands yes but like we couldn't realize we couldn't figure out how to fold them nicely hanging on the rack like like I was trying and you're like I could do it and then you did it this is level five adulting wasn't really right we didn't really get it right and we kind of were like well that's the best we're going to do level five adulting is just knowing how to fold towels

on the towel rail for when you're washing your hands and that's That's the kind of thing when you go to your parents' house, they're just always perfectly there. They're always perfect. They have the perfect size. And also, you know, I have to have a talk with my mom because these are like, I feel like next level things that I will, she never even tried to teach me because she was like, this is above your pay grade. And I think it's time that she tells me some of these secrets.

And then I could tell the listeners. Getting the right towel. Maybe we're not buying the right towels. I think the towels were two, they were more like small shower towels. They weren't really hand towels. But they're not. But that wasn't the hand towels. hand towel rail Hannah we weren't putting it on the rail that takes the hand towel we didn't even

know a towel we were on different pages with the towels because it's a show towel rail oh god the show towels that there was a many years ago you guys can Google it uh Anderson what was his first name the fat comedian he's dead now Anderson oh god I bet he'd love you describing him like that he's fat anyway he was fat though Louis Anderson oh yeah he was fat that was just kind of part of his is he the one who had the teeth like the space in his teeth I think he did have a space in his tooth he also had a very funny routine about the

the bird using his bird shit to white out the newspaper but he had a very funny routine about no those are show towels you know it's like you can't you can't dry your hands on those are show towels do you think you're better than people because you can eat spicy food ooh that's a good one Because I'm thinking of things that make me feel less. I'm thinking of things that make me feel less than people because I can't eat spicy food.

When I say mild at the restaurant. Oh, well, listen, Hannah, I definitely think I'm better than other people when I go to an Indian restaurant and you're there like chicken, chicken masala every time. My old, please. But yeah, you're right. In a lighthearted way, you're correct. Yes. Yes, 100%.

Yes. Do you think you're better than people because you can use chopsticks? No, actually, because I still to this day, I'm very effective user of chopsticks, but I... Not technically correct? Correct. I'm unorthodox in my chopstick holding. Self-taught, you know?

Like a great golfer that has a funky swing. If I could speak another language, I'd think I'm so much better than everyone, and I would speak it all the time, like, accidentally. Like, I'd be like, hilarious, Baldwin, I'd be like, how do you say... Oh, sorry, I was thinking in Italian. Sorry, I was...

Jenna, so... How do you, Salavi? Did I have a story about years ago? back in my Irish language days. Very soon after I did the Irish language series, PJ, who's been mentioned before, comes over to Ireland for a trip, and we go out at night.

It was at my, like, peak fame times, and it was like mayhem. And they went to get some fast food, and people kept coming up to the car, but we were in an Irish language-speaking area. So everybody was speaking Irish to me. And I was just like, I was in Irish mode, and I'm stressed,

and PJ gets back in, the car and like something's wrong and I'm like fucking shouting and he's not doing anything and like after three times of me saying it he goes you know you speak of gaelic right my brain had switched so much that I didn't realize that I was shouting at him in gaelic also the fact that when you're mad you're speaking that second language means you're really good at that language but my brain had completely switched so he's like you know you speak of gaelic right anyway sorry I definitely thought I was better than him. The fact that I even know what Gaelic is

makes me feel better than other people. I mean, the Irish people get annoyed me when you say Gaelic because it's Gaelica. It's really not an important thing to be annoyed at actually. But in English, the language is called Irish. I was in Montreal and I was getting my hair makeup done and I was like, oh, I don't speak any French.

I took Spanish in high school, but I do say, bonjour. And they go, oh my God, you said that so well. Wow. And I was like, who needs to speak the whole language? I can say, bonjour, merci beaucoup.

That's the French-Canadian version of, oh, your Chinese is so good. Well done, Anna. Well done. And I was like, got it. Easy.

French is easy. You should learn it. Maybe. I would love to speak French. Maybe we should do like another language challenge. That would be a great YouTube series. We should do a couple's language.

We do a YouTube series? What's the language? Well, it's the language of love. My more. Italian? No, what do you think? What do you think?

You want to do Spanish? I think Spanish would be the smartest. Italian would be the cutest and French would be the sexiest. Let's just move to South America and just do Spanish. But, you know, before we have a kid. Let's just move to South America. What do we do down there? Just learn the language and make a YouTube series.

And Eros can pollo? Yeah. Be the multilingual Jake and Logan Paul. The intellectual YouTube. I'll be I'll be I'll do Netflix special in English and Spanish yeah or we could do Portuguese and have Hafin your bestos help us out oh my God Portuguese yeah Brazil is a huge big market huge market yeah or I try to learn Mandarin oh yeah well you know I'm all over that can you guys tell that we've had too much time on our hand this summer we're like we could do

anything wait can I take a quick break to pee all right Hannah's going to take a quick break to I guess we'll take a break. I'm not going to keep talking while you're having a pee. Oh, it might be a poop, so it looks like we're taking a big break here. We're taking a big break on Bonifron. Hannah is going for a poopie. We'll be back after this. You guys, I'm obsessed with quince, especially as summer winds down. I'm refreshing my wardrobe. I'm getting a couple more sweaters. I'm getting some blazers, but I still love my dresses. And I know what you're thinking, Hannah, it's so expensive. I don't want to buy more clothes. Well, if you're going to buy clothes, make sure that they're high quality and not a rip-off.

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Also, I love an organic cotton pop-lintiered maxi skirt. Skirts are great. And it's long. And I just feel free. Like I can run and I'm not going to sweat at my thighs. But enough about me. Elevate your fall wardrobe essentials with quince. go to quince.com slash burn for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

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That's O'S-E-A-Malibu.com. You get free samples with every order, free shipping on orders over $50. Head to O-S-E-A-Malibu.com and use code burn. E-E-R-N for 10% off. Okay, Hannah's back. We had our first actual natural break. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

We've never taken a break before. No, but like, you know, I think I'm going to tell Chris to put the ads. I think I'm going to have told Chris since we're dealing with the past tense now, as far as the listeners are concerned, to put the ads in there. So it's a natural break. Is this on air right now? Well, we're recording. Oh, is this for Chris or is this for everyone? Well, whatever Chris decides, he's in control.

Chris is control of everything. Anyway, let's crack it on. We've got to get through a few here. If you hear any purring, that's the cat. The cat's literally on Hannah's neck right now. This is funny. I always feel better than people when we're at a party and I'm holding my wine glass by the stem.

other people are holding their wine glass by the bowl. And if there's a picture taken where I am holding the wine glass by the stem and the other person in the photo is holding the wine glass by the bowl, I will post it everywhere where a photo can live because it's such subtle superiority to me. Okay, this is the correct way. This is the perfect answer to this question on this pod because I had no idea this even a thing. Is it? Apparently it is. You have to trust the girls. It's a thing. So where, where are you supposed to hold it? She's basically saying her holding it by the stem is dainty. It's

classy. It's refined. If you're holding it by the bowl, it's clunky. It's not correct, which is what I do. Oh, really? I think so. I mean, I just never thought of it. It's kind of like, you know, some comics are obsessed with how you hold the mic. Like, oh, he's experienced because he's holding it by the tip and like not holding it so high up close to the mic. Really? Well, yeah, some guys talk about that. And I'm like, I've never thought about it because I'm worried about my jokes.

I'm trying to make sure my joke lands. I don't care where the positioning is of my fucking index finger. My hands close to the top because I never know when I need to bust out of beatbox. Exactly. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. Every now and then I like to do. Oh my God.

That's the first thing that scared the cats. Well, she wasn't scared. She just was like, why is she doing that? She wasn't scared. Actually, she was dancing. Does never has a real. She was dancing. Does never has a good reason to break into beatbox.

It never has. I use it as an accentuator at the end. end of certain punchlines. Yeah, yeah. And it really helps it. I love when you beatbox. You know who loves when you beatbox? Kids.

Kids, that's my kid trick. That's your kid trick if we need to, yeah, it's your party kid trick. You know, because then you can do like, you know, what's the, what's the game when the kids dance and you have to stop when you stop playing? Oh, yeah. Freeze. Yeah. So like, we do that with the beatbox.

Our kid, if we have a kid, it's going to be like, how many games are we playing with his parents? Oh, my God. Anyway, very good one. very good you know it's funny these days i don't even know when the pinkies up when you're drinking is that still considered classy or is that only like like mafia people thought that was classy i think it's become too much of a joke for it to be like seriously like oh pinky up like it's a joke yeah um but i also wonder a lot of people like to put ice in their wine oh i i think that's

unclassy but i think they like that it's like self-recllaimed trashy right and they like and they like that they're confident enough to do it and there's a freedom to that to be like hey i know this is not this is looked down upon kind of like me putting water in my orange juice is that looked down upon yeah really yeah people freak out wow sorry i think it's too sweet um i'm like that when you put the vanilla stuff in the coffee oh my vanilla smittener yeah your vanilla stuff look i do a lot of things that make me worse than other people. When was the last time you drank just water? Yesterday I did, because I like, I did by accident.

And I didn't like it. What is this? What is this flavorless thing? I'd rather accidentally drink vodka than drink water. So, okay, we got some good ones I want to get through fast. This is good. one thing that definitely makes me feel like I am better than other people is my dog's trained so when I take my dog out to the park or whatever he listens and other people's dogs are like pulling them towards me my dog he's eyes on me he walks right by my side I did it all myself I put in all the hours and on top of that he's a rescue which a lot of people have that stigma that rescues can't be trained and they have these habits that can't be broken. I have my sweet baby who I train

when he was already three years old. So broke all his bad habits and my dog is, you know, just better. And that's not anybody else's fault. That's just me being better than other people and I train my dog. All right. Thanks. I mean, having a rescue just makes you better than everybody else also. True. Especially a mix that happens to be good looking. Yes. Like, why, your dog's so handsome. It's like, it's a much. It's happened to genetically come out perfectly. Also, this is the kind of stuff that actually does make you better than other people. Like, this is the kind of stuff that I would ask if I was, like, looking to hire an employee, like, is your dog trained? And did you train it yourself? I'd be like, you're hired. Yes. Like, you're clearly competent and smart and problem solving and patient.

and there's just so many qualities that I like in her. I get a lot of TikToks of dog drama with like trained dogs on leash versus like these people who are just like disrespectful dog off leash out of control. I'm not really a big, I don't, if you're a dog's off leash, no problem. If they're trained.

If you're in control of your dog, I'm fine with it. Which I don't find is that. But I get a lot of TikTok drama with them. As someone who's like new to the dog training community, one thing I learned is it's not about your dog being trained off leash it's that other dogs

even if they're on leash might be reactive and your dog is in danger no but also a lot of dogs off leash like these people have this like fantasy vision in their mind of actually how well their dog behaves

but it's like okay your dog behaves off leash in certain ideal situations for your dog but there's challenges all over the shop in this world I don't want my man off leash I know that that was like a fun statement to say but like it doesn't it doesn't like factor in real life

that's not the woman that you are but it was a funny thing to say it was funny no but like you when you're like when you're driving a car and you get mad get someone cut you off I want to be like stop stop come back that's not happening I know And sometimes I wish I had you on a leash, but I don't. You got to get the clicker. I have a pit bull off leash as a husband. Listen, Pete, I'm a rescue.

And then when I want him to cuddle... I'm a rescue. What are you to do? True. What I want him to cuddle me? I go, get in here. And he's like, no, no, I don't want to cuddle. He's a rescue. You know, he was born in England, but that didn't work out.

So for a long time, he was in America, but unfortunately, that didn't work out. So he got re-housed in Ireland, and unfortunately, that didn't work out. And now... He got addicted to bacon bits. Now he's yours. Bacon bits. It's the cue dog's getting addicted to. Oh.

Now he's yours. You deal with him. Anyway, so there's, obviously we've thrown, I don't really hate doodles. I'm joking. I just hate, here's what I hate about doodles. People think that they're like a better, safer dog. And I've seen a lot of like doodles gone wild. But for some reason, doodle people think it can't be there.

Their doodle can't be the, their doodle can't be the issue. I want to watch that on National Geographic. Doodles gone wild. Yeah. It's like doodles stealing stuff from a supermarket. Because it's a bunch of people who think they're better because their dog is hyperalogenic, which is kind of bullshit anyway. Adding to this, I think I'm better than people because I know how to pet a cat properly.

And I know how to make the cat at the party like me. Yes. I'll tell you, you definitely are some sort of weird mother of cats. You're the Dinares-Tigarian of fucking cats. It's actually a skill. Also, like, when I was, maybe it's because I'm socially inept with people, but when I was little, this weird thing happened. I might have told this story, but it made me feel like I was special where our goldfish died. And I put on this, like, doctor outfit.

I put on my mom's gloves for cleaning plates. And I put on, like, a fake stethoscope, whatever that is. and my dad took a photo of me and then I started like petting it and singing to it and then I put it back in the water and it was floating and it was dead and I kept singing to it and then it started to swim and my dad was like freaked the fuck out

and he told everyone I saved the fish oh that's nice so anyway I've saved I've brought a fish back to life this is one that's very relevant to us hello mom and dad this is my first time calling Anyway, so this one might seem obvious. There's clear and TSA pre-check, and of course, those are awesome and those are obvious.

But I really feel better than everyone else, maybe just for a split second, when I use my global entry. Because, yeah, customs is a bitch. Sometimes there's like three planes waiting in one line with two agents stamping away, like very slowly. And I don't even have to talk to anybody. I just let this robot take a picture of me, and then I walk right through. And I'm saying, see you later, peasants. But honestly, the trick is on me because I am then waiting at baggage claim. And I watch everyone I just passed and gave the middle finger trickle next to me and wait alongside.

So really, there's no purpose because... Listen. So true. I feel better than everybody else because I'm never at baggage claim. Because I'm fucking, I'm getting everything into that carry-on. Well, it's funny. I recently had a trip to Montreal for like 24 hours. And the lady who's picking me up was like, you've no bags?

And I was like, no. And she's like, just a backpack. I'm like, yeah. And I think I should have felt like, oh, I'm better than people because I didn't pack. But she actually was like, do you have anything on you? Like, are you prepared at all? Like, are you like a 14-year-old that just like brought a sock? Do you have a condom full of cocaine up your butt?

Did you forget everything but the condom with cocaine up your butt? Um, so I would say I feel better, but Paige also makes me just feel unprepared because Paige will come with like three Louis Vuitton suitcases. And I have like a plastic bag and she's like, what are you doing? Um, I think you really feel better than everybody else when you have and you're going to Canada and you have Nexus. That's like next level. Yeah, that's next level. But global entry is some VIP Illuminati shit. Yeah, global entry is great when you're coming back into the States though. But when you're going into Canada, you need Nexus. One thing about me and Des when I met him, which was kind of hot.

he was like, do you have a global entry? And I was like, no, what's that? And he's like, I'm about to change your fucking life. Yeah, well, let's face it, man. I told you, if you don't get global entry, it's not going to work out between this. Yeah, he also threatened our relationship. I didn't, by the way, for the record.

This is a joke, everybody. It's a joke, but I mean, if I didn't get my driver's license, if I didn't get my... Well, when I had digital idea originally, I felt better, but then the secret gets out. That's the problem is all these things, the secret gets out. Next thing you're on, next thing you're on fucking clear with TSA

and the fucking regular TSA, people are going fasted in you and they're like, what is going, what this, something is shifted in the universe. I was about to say more things about the airport, but I feel like I shouldn't. Let's move on. I actually forgot we talked about this and I think we need to explore it. The dog park dating show is actually such a great idea. I would watch that 1,000% that would make brilliant reality TV. When my boyfriend and I first met, our dogs did not get along and we had to almost break up because of it. It was that bad. Happy to say, though, It's been over four years.

We're living together, the four of us, all as well. But we did have to hire a trainer. But anyway, the reality show at the dog park could also feature like two alpha males with like their alpha type dogs who are getting into scraps. And then like these men are also scrapping because of it. And it would just be hilarious TV. I approve. Please run with this idea and take it to a network.

Okay, love you guys. Bye. Okay, I'm going to go on the record and say the last suggestion is not. going to work. She wasn't to fight. I'm obsessed with that. She goes, and the final round, the last thing is bare-knuckle boxing. Squid games, dog park. Only one canine and one human will make it out alive. Yeah, and it might, you know, your dog might lose, but you might win. And your dog might turn on you with you. You have a new dog. Oh, God. No, I totally forgot that we brought that out. I forgot too. And I was like, well, that was a great suggestion. Dog park dating.

Let's get a couple more of the actual prompt before we run away. Hi, mom and dad. Something that makes me feel like I'm better than everyone else is that I read before bed every night. I haven't watched TV in over two years, not by choice, but I co-sleep with my toddler, so we have to go to bed together. So anyways, now I just read in bed, and it kind of makes me feel like I'm better than everyone else and a little bit smarter, too. Bye. No, you are. Oh, you are.

You are. That is so chic, so just like, my mom, my parents do that. So I think it's like really cool when they both go down with their book. And then they literally read for like two minutes and they're like, no, I'm tired. And they go to sleep. I'm like, wow, that's how adults are supposed to be. I know. Not me TikTok.

It's funny, though, because in movies, they always show that as like, oh, there's a problem in the relationship. Or it's like they're reading. Then the guy's like, do you want to have sex? And she's like, oh, it's okay. tired yeah there's always there's always that and he's like not really reading his book and trying to like poker with his dick and she's like please no she's like no thank you um wait do you know how like you kind of judge people when they're like oh yeah I read that and you're like did you and they're like audio book and I'm like no you didn't no you didn't you listen to a podcast

you listen to a monotone podcast you listen to a podcast audio you have way too much time Have you ever noticed that, like, audiobooks can't be read like a normal human, you know? It'll always be like, Sam woke up, feeling slightly, slightly alarmed at the noise that it happened at 3 a.m. The Giggly Swat audiobook, incredible, how to giggle. Paige and I really performed the shit out of it. Highly recommend. No, but fiction books I'm talking about, the audio book. Yeah, fiction.

Because I ended up listening to the last book of the silo series. And it was, it was, it's, sometimes it can be hard to live. listen to because it's like a certain sort of way that it's red that can be a bit hypnotizing. Maybe it's a good thing to go to sleep at night too. I think there's a lot of things that parents are doing these days that make them think that they're better than other people. Like no screen time. Oh yeah.

Like at first, I was like no screen time in the first six months. Now it's up to like 14 years. Apparently. Now it's 14 years. They're like, oh, did your kid accidentally see a screen through a window? You're not a good mom. That's a bit.

Write that down. Write that down. Yeah, they'd be like parents like if they're, if they're walking by like a screen, like they're like putting a fucking blanket over their kid's head. It's like, move them. Oh, God. Yes, no screen time is a real new parental boast I've noticed. And like the diet stuff for kids is quite funny.

There's got to be. like some great parenting pods out there with like old school parents versus new school parents because the judgment that comes from the new school parents of the old school parents is fucking hilarious

but what makes me laugh about the new school parents is they don't realize that one day all the shit that they take is fucking gospel is going to be just as ridiculed as the things that they're ridiculed. Parenting is trends.

Like it all goes by trends same with like diets. Yeah. Basically your fucking no screen time is bell bottoms. Let's be honest. It's bell bottoms, bro. No matter what you do for your kid, your kid can still become a drug addict.

Okay. Wow. There's some hope, everybody. Your kid can still be depressed no matter what you do. Yeah. They're going to turn out. I was like, my parents didn't know screen time. And it turns out our entire world is run by screens.

And I was not, I didn't have the skills. My kid. The bad parents' kids are all killing it now. My kid can't figure out GPS. on his car, so he can't get anywhere. Yeah. My mom didn't use Waze because it was a screen. And she didn't want me looking at the screen.

We relate to everything. Yeah, we never knew how to get anywhere. I couldn't get to soccer practice. Okay, one quick one and then a finisher, which we don't need to comment on, okay? Hi, guys, first time caller, long time listener. My name's Carolina. And something that makes me feel a little bit better than everyone else is so I run marathons. I say I run marathons. I ran one marathon. I ran the New York City Marathon last November.

And this year I was training for a half. Something happened. I broke. I sprained my ankle in four places. I wasn't able to run the half. But something is so satisfying about being able to meet up with my friends on a Saturday morning or Saturday for lunch. Be like, yeah, guys, I ran 13 miles this morning. Or I ran 20 miles this morning. What did you guys do? You know? And I don't let it be like that annoying person that's like, oh, yeah, like I'm training for a marathon. I'm training for a half. but like to my close circle I'm like guys I ran so much this morning I'm so proud of myself now let's go get drunk now let's go hit a bar or whatever or let's go to the beach and let's have some fun I have so much energy and I did so much today um so yeah love you guys bye I definitely felt that I was better than other people and I was training for the Dublin

marathon 2009 I mean people who run marathons are definitely better than me but like I would add to it also people who wake up early are better than other people. Oh, yeah, that's me. And who also, like, do stuff. Like, I used to, my parents who had, like, a friend, they'd be, like, who biked, and they'd be like, he biked 400 miles this morning. And it was, like, 8 p.m. Like, when in the middle of the fucking night?

Was he, like, escaping from, like, a kidnapping situation? Like, how did that even happen? And when that's just what they do and you're just like, wow, I woke up, like, coughed on my own flam and fell back asleep while you would do 400. miles. Yeah, when I was training for math, I was like, hey, what did you do this morning? It's like, oh, I had to get my 16 in, you know, took a shit in the trees at mile nine. No, people who wake up the morning, I'm very jealous of who like wake up and like want to do stuff. But because I started doing Pilates in the morning, I started feeling better than other people.

But then it allowed me to be lazy the whole rest of the day because I'm like, I lived a full day. I did Pilates. Yeah, man. Waking up in the morning is the way to go. So listen, we're going to wrap it up there. So just to say, I'm the West Hampton Beach Performer Arts here on August 14th, Nashville in October. I'm in San Francisco in September. I'm in Portland and Seattle in December.

And I'm in Ireland in November, including Tala for those that are looking for shows. Some of them are sold out, but there's tickets in Tala and in Trim County Meath. Anything you need to, Carnegie Hall for Hannah? Carnegie Hall. And we added to Boston, Medford. we added, I think, Idaho or Iowa. Oh, God, honey, you got to know where you're going if you're going to promote it. Just check out my website, a lot of shows, and there will be more states added.

I know a lot of you guys are like, where the fuck's Atlanta? I got you. Keep an eye out. It's coming. Love you. Okay, everybody. Like and subscribe. Leave some Spotify comments. Thanks. Bye. Sometimes I ride my bike to work and I display it very prominently in front of everyone so they know that I did the very eco-friendly thing and I got a workout in. I think I'm better than other people

because I actually know how to use Google Maps and figure out public transport in other countries. trees apart from my own. When I go on holidays with everyone else, including my parents, no one seems to know how to use Google Maps or get around a city without ordering Uber's. And I feel like that makes me better than them. I just want to start up by saying I don't actually think those makes me better than other people, but I work out every single day before work yeah I'm an early morning workout early I've been doing it for years um my job starts at like 830 let's say and um I think that everybody is capable of doing this if they just decide

that that's something they want to do like something that really annoys me to people say oh my god I wish I could do that but like I just can't no you can't you're just not doing it like I work like 10 hour days, five days a week. And I still do it. I just get my ass up. Like, I don't enjoy it when I'm waking up to the alarm. Like, I want to die, but I still do it. And it's always worth it. So go get it, girls.