Berner Phone - Berner Phone #103: Chaos Goblins

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

We went rogue this episode and didn't have a prompt. So without futher ado, let's hear what the dialers are up to and wanting to discuss this week.  get tickets to Hannah's tour get ticket to Des' shows

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What's up, my little dialers? It's mummy and daddy. Right. I'm not going to talk about the cats. However, we do have three new fosters that I just named this morning. And by the way, I take this naming thing very seriously. I don't just see them and name them. I observe them. I watch how they are to see who they are in their heart and then give them the appropriate names.

And because of the color of some of their eyes, I'm naming one of them latte, one of them macha, and one of them mocha. And I'm really happy with that decision. Wonderful. Great decision. Decision made. And then they will be adopted by other people who will give them their own names. And then I did get a really funny message from a dialer of like, they sent basically a gif of like people running craziness like insane. And they were like, this is what we imagine the kittens are doing while you guys are trying to record the pod.

And you're 100% accurate. A hundred percent correct. And listen, the kittens are the least of our distraction problems. This pod's probably gone up late. We are definitely recording it late. It's already 1.23 p.m. on Monday. Yeah, this is not okay. And we were doing so well.

No, we were doing, listen, it's nobody's fault, but obviously we didn't even do a prompt this week. But I do have to say one thing about our relationship is that's true. When things go wrong, it's mostly because both of us forgot. Well, I didn't forget. I just knew that there was no time. So you want to talk about what's been going down? Well, we've had a beautiful week with family. which is the most important thing

in life. But I have the unfortunate situation where my brother doesn't live in the same state as me. Okay. And he has two of the most amazing children and amazing wife who I miss every day and we finally plan this

summer. They're coming for the week to stay with us. Yes. And I was a little nervous. Were you? Well, because it's... A little parenting. We're practicing our parenting skills. Actually mostly des. Because I was forced to play tennis in the mornings, not forced, but I was playing competitive tennis with everyone. Sorry, when you say practicing your parenting skills, you want to just clarify that we're not practicing for anything specifically?

I'm practicing. No, I am practicing for one day if I have a baby. Okay. I like... But you're not expecting one, is what I'm saying. No. Correct. But, um, you were, you were besides my mom. You were MVP of the week. Oh, really?

Is that, is that? That's been decided. We talked about it. Oh, the family decided? Yeah, because, yeah, you were just on it. Between Lois and Bobby, you were great. We were all judging each other. We'd be like, oh, that person's not.

Well, you know, the thing is that when your mom's around, I just, I got to stay on top of the cleaning, you know? Like, because even though you're comfortable with your mother doing everything, I'm not in the sense that, like, I feel like I got to cover my end. It's so funny. By the way, I get on great, just in case anyone's trying to read between the lines. You know, your mom is really on it. And when she's around, I need to be on it. For me, not because she's making me feel that way. See, it's funny because growing up with an Italian mom, if you try to help, you're probably doing it wrong or you get yelled at.

But occasionally, she will let me help. But most of the time, I'm like, she loves it. Let her go. All right. Can I just say something? Let her cook. I hope I'm not outing you here, but there's almost, I don't think there's anybody in your family that really believes that you're capable for a lot of these things. I feel like they all know

that Hannah has certain skills and admin and, you know, looking after the house are not them. I thought you were going to, you did say something funny. You said when my mom's here, I actually turn into a little girl. Yeah, you turn into like a child. You can't do anything. Suddenly you're asking your mom everything. It's like, Hannah, you know that we exist. You're like, do you want to go to dinner? I'm like, let me ask my mom if I can go. You know, we exist successfully all the other days. But it's true, though, none of them, including me, we all kind of go, nah, like, don't let Hannah do it. Well, it's gone too far, though. Like, I was talking Giggly Squad. I told them all about the melon prosciutto debacle. But like, I came out there. Yeah, I had the wrong knife.

Yeah, everyone was scared. I would have figured it out. Hanna's cutting melons with a butter knife. I would have figured it out, but like people didn't let me. That happens a lot with a lot of these things. And then when I'm left to my own, what's the way? Devices.

When I have to form a sentence on my own, it just doesn't happen. But no, I would figure it out. But that's the same thing with driving. Everyone was just like, she can't drive, don't let her drive,

don't let her drive. And I took it apart myself to get a driver's license. Am I driving? No. did I possibly slightly hit a curb when I tried to park this last weekend? Yes

Yes. Did it hurt anyone? No. No, listen, it's great. And so it was full on. But like... A three-year-old and a one-year-old. There's something about their ages, though, that was like kind of perfect. Like, Lois is the funniest,

smartest, cutest, cutest, ever. And then Bobby's just like, too freaking chubby. Can I tell you the highlight of my week of looking after them, not the highlight of the week in general, but this is my personal satisfaction moment. So at one stage during the morning, not your time of the day. No, I was nowhere to be found. Bobby, I can't remember, but anyway, needless to say, Bobby was at the gate. So I decided to go to the other side of the gate. You know, the gate, we were protecting the stairs,

you know, one of these like inside gates. And then Lois came over. And I was playing the gate. as if it was like a washboard, like I was in a country band. And I improvised the song, which, you know what? I'll sing it. Let's go. It went, singing along, yeah, we're singing along to the fence song. Can you sing it? And every time I tried to stop, Lois said, again, right?

So I was singing it for a while. I can't actually, actually been in my head for two days. Singing along, and we're singing along to the fence song. Can you sing it yet? But I was keeping the beat with the, as if I was on a wash. board on the fence. Yeah, I think that actually woke me on my REM sleep for a bit. Yeah, I think you woke up on that. So anyway, about like 45 minutes later, Lois was just like that magic time where a kid is like entertaining themselves. She's just like on the floor, like playing with some

stuff. And I was in the kitchen. She wasn't paying attention to me. And she was singing the fence song to herself. To herself. And I was like, wow, I think all the performances I've ever done. this is the most satisfying moment of my performance yeah of my performance career yeah that was a highlight for me that is so freaking sweet can you sing it but then I was like this fucking miss Rachel is making fucking easy money I could tell you that right now I came up into song in two seconds

well I also have to say shout out to your brother Aidan Bishop Gabby Brian Stuart Fullerton amazing comedians who also were out this weekend because I had my warm-up shows. I know it's been a lot of warming up and new material shows, but we're putting in the work. I mean, was the West Hampton show considered a warm-up show? I mean, it was kind of full-on tour. But because I hadn't been touring, it was in my head a little warm-up, but I was able to perform show in Bohemia. Yeah, that was a warm-up show. That was a last minute. With Tracy Carnazzo, too. Yeah, let's shake off the cobwebs. I did that one, too, because I was

looking to shake off some cobwebs. And the gigglers. And the Suffolk County Gigglers, the little dialers, the gigglers were out to play. There was quite an excitement when they said your name. Yeah, but I mean, listen, that was a great crowd. Yeah. And great room. Bohemia. For those that don't know the New York area, Bohemia is really false advertising.

Not very bohemian. And I'm not making fun of it. I'm just saying it's not giving artist retreat vibes. I can tell you that right now. It's not really granoli. Yeah, it's not Greenwich Village in the 80s. No, no. But they were great.

And then West Hampton's town was spectacular. And, yeah, I just had a lot of fun doing it. Keeping it local. Came in a local. But, yeah, we survived the children. They may come back next week. So anyway, the whole reason we're telling that story is we didn't get a second to do the pod. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's why it's hard to have a kid. It's hard, man. That was a moment where I was like, damn. We also have to discuss I'm turning 34 tomorrow Oh my God And it didn't cross my mind I got your present so early that I keep

Every time I go Oh I thought I missed it the other day And it's funny because I actually forget a lot of people's birthdays And I've always been like heart of myself And I feel bad but then I realize I forget my own birthday So of course I forget other people's birthdays So tomorrow's your birthday I'm turning 34

Which I was joking that 34 is very like It's a year away from 40 Like once you're 35, you're 40 What? You're talking about it? Like 33, you're still 30. You're not even halfway through your 30s, bro. 34, but it's also not significant in any way.

Like, no one gives a fuck about 34. Honestly, I think once you hit 30, you should only celebrate every five years. I agree. I think once you hit, actually, I think you should only do 30, 35, 40, and then wait 10 years till 50. That's actually what I think. Well, we're not huge birthday people. I'm actually going to the city tomorrow to work all day. Yeah, we're not going to be together.

And we weren't together on my birthday. a this year? No. Or the last year? I don't know. I think the last two years I was in Ireland. But you have the biggest

birthday. Various injuries. You have the biggest birthday coming up. Little Dylers, tell me what I should do for Dez's 50th. You all know him as...

Little Dylers, the answer is, ignore it. He wants me to ignore it. He doesn't want me to surprise him, but you know that means he wants us to. No, incorrect. Incorrect.

Incorrect. Incorrect. It's giving Des a special taping when I try to surprise him. Incorrect. I don't need... Listen, For my 40th, I had a very small birthday at the Gibneys in Ireland.

It's just my closest friends and the Gibneys, my Irish family, my actual second family for the Gigglers. And it was lovely. To the Gigglers, the little dialers, and if you listen to the Bishop Exchange, you know Des as much or more than me. Message me what you think I should do for his birthday. That would be cute and funny. Oh, my goodness.

We have to do something. It's a group effort. Since you guys helped Des pick out a gift for me. which I talked about on Gugly Squad. Oh, yeah. Oh, you did? Yeah, about... Yeah, but then we had that damn moment

where somebody gave us great... Did we talk about that last week? Here? I don't know. Just in case we didn't. Somebody... I think it was in the Spotify comments. You like to make fun of me

for looking at the Spotify comments, but they come through. I don't make fun of you. I just... I think it's hilarious. So, the Spotify comments, somebody suggested getting you on a painting,

an art, you know, an oil painting set because you were so good at painting on the try new things and I thought wow that is a great gift because you love a thoughtful gift I hate it like in like

no like I hate when people try to be like it's like listen just get me some pro v ones you know get me some yeah you want logical I want practical logical you want useful yeah 100% you don't want anything

frivolous even though I told the dartboard story before right I definitely told it yeah so anyway I knew it was a good suggestion for you which I did not want to tell you but then you literally told your mom

to get that in my proximity and I was like I gotta stop you there I've literally already got that it is crazy I know people joke about how people have like fake relationships with people they listen to what's it called a parasocial relationship

but like it with our listeners it's like it's just a relationship at this point it's funny I was walking and I saw someone who listens to Burner Phone and she was like with her family and she's just like Hannah and then she was like oh my God I'm sorry for coming up to you like that

and I was like no this is a safe space like it's just like you can tell when they like know you versus if they just like have seen your face on TikTok a couple of times I had a funny one yesterday so obviously Gabby and Stuart we named them already but they were staying here because they were doing the show but Stewart had not gone to the beach

she hadn't seen the ocean she's from Arkansas And she's in the Hamptons. You know, so I wanted her, I wanted her to see it, you know. And so I took her to the beach while we were going to pick up the food. Well, I was napping, of course. Hannah was napping. And on the beach, this like 22-year-old woman stops me and goes, I'm sorry, are you Hannah Berner's husband? And I was like, yeah, I said, I said, she's like, oh my God, I love her.

I was like, oh, this is Stuart who is her opener, opened up for her this weekend in West Hampton. Oh, you guys don't know, Stewart's a woman. Oh, sorry, Stuart. Yeah, I forgot to be. Stuart's a woman. And, like, me and Stuart are going for this, like, romantic walk on the beach. I was like, this is Hannah's opener. There's nothing going on here.

I wake up for my nap. By the way, Stewart's like. I don't need a duois. Stewart's cool, funny, pretty. One of Hannah's good friends. Redhead, great friend. And has opened for me a lot. And I wake up for my nap.

And she's like, by the way, I was like, what are you guys up to? And she's like, I actually went on a, that showed me the ocean. We went on a walk on a beach. which like wasn't romantic but like there's actually no way to not have a romantic walk on the beach like he told me to put my feet in the water and I was like no because I wanted you know like you go to the beach you got to like have the feeling yeah so you but then also she's like I also after hanging out with him realize he thinks I've never seen a beach before she's like just because I'm from Arkansas doesn't mean I haven't been to a beach no but you know like she hasn't been on the beach in the hamptons I don't think yeah yeah it didn't matter so anyway we We live close to the beach, so it was, you know, it was necessary. Also, I do have to say just from observing a lot of family members, I saw a meme that has continuously been true.

There's something about when men become dads, they immediately become obsessed with three things. Barbecue, something else. And grass. And grass. And every guy has made a comment on the, and golf. Yeah, golf, grass, and barbecuing. And there's, I want to know what. primal instinct.

Well, for the record, she's talking about her brother and my brother, okay? Because I don't have any kids. So. But you're a dad. I'm your child. Hannah. Just. For now.

So, I mean, I'm not obsessed with grass, but, you know, we laid the grass and there's two brown patches. Who's not going to be worried about that? You know? Me. I was very happy that your brother and my brother were doing the barbecuing. You know, it just takes a lot of the stress off. But we did learn because we talked about that on Giggly Squad,

that there's actually a lot of women out there that do barbecue. Yeah, well, don't be afraid to step up. Would you let me? What do you mean would I let you? I am not, one thing about me. I am not control. If other people want to cook, I'm letting them cook. True, you do let me cook.

Why would I, like, why would you even, like, ask that question? No, because early. we're talking about how no one lets me do anything. Oh, yeah. I understand. Yeah. But no, I would absolutely let you barbecue. Yeah.

You know, parallel park? Another story. So let's explain because it's been chaos, we're having a chaotic episode. Yeah, so we didn't do a prompt. But I love the midweek prompters. I like the people who just decide I'm sending in. So there is a link on our podcast where you can just send in stuff that we don't... It's the same link all the time.

It never changes. We never change it. So there's some sneaky people that like to just communicate midweek without prompts. But the first thing that needs to be discussed is the Spotify comments, there was like five of these in the midweek. People were very animated about the wine glass lady.

Okay, so this is a response to the girl that said she just feels like so dating so much better when she is holding her wine glass. at the stem. So I took wine appreciation at college, and it was actually the most, like, real-life skills you can learn. But that is actually proper wine etiquette

because in, like, a proper, like, wine-tasting situation, you're not supposed to have your fingerprints all up on, like, the whole part of the class. Because part of wine-tasting is you have to look at different visual things, like the coloring, the clarity, so pacities, and, like, the running. and stuff. So when you hold it at the bowl, not the stem, your fingerprints are actually

ruining that. So again, on fact, she is right that she is better than people because that's proper wine etiquette. Also, because I got incredible amounts of messages about it, the temperature of your hand can change the temperature of the wine. It's the other reason why you don't hold at the bowl. So we are learning from a lot of so, we didn't know everyone was a wine sommelier. Is that the word? I guess so. Somelier. When it comes to alcohol, it's, I'm never going to be the expert.

But so she's basically saying that that woman is right. Hold it by the stem. If you hold it by the bulb, you aren't, you don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you're doing. Which also is a vibe. Like maybe you want to play the like, I'm silly, I'm chaotic, like, chaos goblin. Most people's message about the temperature, that your hand warms the wine, changes the temperature. Yeah.

She was the only one that message that... I only read it, so I apologize for the audio quality, but she was the only one that mentioned that you don't want to cloudy up the glass while you're looking at the color, the texture. Yeah. Isn't there a thing about, like, how the wine sort of like drips off the glass when you swirl it?

Me and you were, like, the worst for this. I know. But I do find... But I can be pretty... In Ireland, they call it, like, wanky. Like, you know, like, when you're, like, overly... And, you know, like, what's... Snoddy?

No, no, like, you know when somebody's, like, too into something and it's almost, like, intimidating? What's the word? Yeah, like... In America. They're a specialist. No, but, you know, like, wanky, like, in other words, like, pretentious.

Pretentious, yeah. But I can be pretty pretentious when it comes to, like, coffee tasting. Yes. I'm not like that for normal everyday coffee life, but I do love an actual coffee, like a pour-over coffee tasting. I think it's funny when it's about alcohol.

Like, my brother loves... whiskey. And it's funny when like it's something that like ultimately you can, it's getting you fucked up. I got him a nice whiskey, but and he had some, but I was never here. He does a very delicate. Like he literally just like takes sips and like enjoins the culture of it. But I do have friends that are like they want to know about wine, but they can't stop getting drunk on it to like have an opinion or they start with an opinion and then it goes out the window and they're just like, get me out of the pinot. But. But. But a lot of my friends have been anti-wine

because they said it makes them cry. Really? Well, a wine drunk is so different than other drugs. Is it really, though? I think it is. I'd love to know the science on that. The whole wine drinking thing. It's the alcohol.

Yes, yes. But, you know, people react differently to different alcohol. I bet you this is contra. I bet you we'll have some comments. I love, like. No, because I know people say different drunks, but really is it not just because people... So here's my thing about wine.

I find that, observational, obviously, not through experience, that the thing about wine is you're sitting at the table, you're eating food, and you're not paying attention to how much you're consuming. So I find a lot of times, like, people don't realize. And then when they get up to leave the dinner, they're like, fucking smashed. So I do also. I think the tears might be coming. I think it's also sugar content.

Right. That makes you cry? Well, it affects the hangover because people complain about the wine hangovers. Hangover thing. But they did say that millennial women, like, it became a trend to just be like, let's, like, black out on wine at night. And it's like, there's antioxidants. It's fine.

Yes. Well, you know, the thing is that the alcohol consumption of women has risen exponentially in the last 20 years. Yeah, because of, you're stressing us out. Because of wine culture. Yeah, wine culture is very normalized. Can I get serious just for a second? Liver disease in women has also risen exponentially as a result.

so just keep that I'm not shaming anybody but I'm just saying raise awareness yes raise it for sure and I also know that I I've never really I love like a grape juice like I love a Manashevitz like that's like the wine it's like really sweet wine oh really but when I have normal wine I'll be like that's tart but when I occasionally would be stuck with like there's just wine

I get so bad with I think it's how I drink it. Like I kind of like, I like, I like to kind of suck when I drink. I'm not like a poorer. I kind of suck my drink in. Right. That's my like drinking technique. It's, and then I like swish it around. I don't know. What's your drinking technique? No, it's, it's, I realize that I have like a weird kind of like I suck it in like a nipple. Um, but that's, I digress. It's definitely wrong technique. And I've never changed it. But I'm that person who like has one or two glasses and you look in the mirror after talk and everything. And I'm, at the party and, like, your teeth are just red. Oh, yeah, the red teeth. The inside of your lips are red, your tongue's red. I look like I just ate a bat. Yeah. And that's like...

I love a red teeth argument about religion or politics. Yeah. Dinner party's gone south. Or it's just gotten lit. So, yeah, that's, that's some of my grapes with wine. My grape grapes? You know, in Ireland the rule is... Grape Gripes is a good name of a podcast.

In Ireland, the rule is, at dinner parties, you can't talk about religion or the North. That's funny. Very niche. That's like the two ways to wreck a dinner party. If we drank, we would start a pod called Grape Gripes, where we get drunk on wine and complain about things. Is that a thing?

I don't know. I haven't Googled it. Grape Gripes. You and Paige should definitely do like an episode called Grape Gripes, where you guys actually get lit up. But then we need like a full committee of people to edit the podcast before it goes out. Or like bleep out every name. It's just bleeped the whole thing.

Grape gripes. Who died? And you just see us moving our hands a lot and red teeth. Yeah. And then in between you go, can I say something mean? Chris will be exhausted The whole possibly like I don't know if I can say this but

Chris I'll be like Am I the only one who feels this type of way Also Chris has to be drunk too That's part of it Grape gripes remember when you do Because this is the rare day Where you're going straight from Burnaponent To Giggly Squad by the way everybody

So please remember to talk about Grape Gripes on Giggly Squad That this is something that has to happen But don't cry It's just me crying the whole time But also if there's any scientists Welcome to another episode of grape grapes If there's any scientists out there

Let us know if actually Is it just the alcohol that might lead you to tears Or is there actually different reactions to different types And by scientists we mean are you a girl who drinks wine Yeah but also like I understand that maybe different drinks give you different hangovers But that's understandable because it's like different things in the drink But emotionally does it make a difference or is it just the alcohol content.

Anyway, let's crack on. Come on, we don't have a lot of time. Hannah's got to do Giggly Squad. Let's, a couple of suggestions for prompts, which I like. This one is amazing suggestion. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Dez. Big fan of burner phone.

And I'm also a Giggler. So shout out Giggly Squad. I have a suggestion for another prompt. And that would be something that is orgasmic that is not having sex. I recently had poison ivy and putting the hydrocarzone or Benadryl or any type of late edge cream on it feels pretty good especially because you're not really supposed to be scratching it so when you're putting some cream on there it's kind of you can sneak in a scratch or two but yeah I think it'd be a funny prompt

great prompt suggestion love the podcast it makes me a giggle Great prompts. I'm obsessed with her. Wins blowing 25 hours south-south-east. All of these girls calling in are in a battle right now. I wish them the best. But this is so fucking funny because she, first of all, great prompt. But second of all, it's like, okay, you want to feel good?

First, get poison ivy. Then make sure it's super itchy. Then put on hydro, whatever she said. Hydrochortizone. Cardicotocon. I always do say orgasm is kind of like scratching an itch. Yeah. Like you have, tension has to build before.

or it releases. Yes. It's like a sneeze where it's uncomfortable until it feels really good. Even peeing. Yeah. Orgasmic, but not sex for me is holding in a pee. Like, well, not deliberately,

but you're in a situation we can't pee and then when you fucking let that shit go. Yeah. Forget about it. Yeah. Honestly, the flower pot and flora, it's pretty orgasm. Shout out, Flora, West Hampton Beach.

Lying down for me is a sarcastic. You ever been on your feet all day and then you get that corner of the couch that comes out and you get to just lie down. Honestly, for me, like a really hot, humid New York day and then just getting in covered in sweat and jumping right into a freezing cold shower is orgasmic to me.

Have you ever sniffed a kitten? Your eyes will roll back. Really? Because they smell like butter. Yeah. I mean, there's so many. Do you know what? It's orgasmic for me when somebody leaves out the kerry gold

so you just slide that knife through. it's just like soft and you have freshly bought sourdough an incredible cherry jam from Brighamare Farms orgasmic yo you know or like the first coffee in the morning anyway it's the little things in life it's the little things in life there's so many of those that's a good prompt

so hey guys I tell you what we're going to do next week's episode is going to be all the prompt suggestions from this episode. So we're not even going to put... So the Telby is on the podcast description. It's in our links. So that is a great suggestion. So send it in for next week.

Orgasmic without sex. Here's another one. Very funny. You guys, I'm obsessed with quince, especially as summer winds down. I'm refreshing my wardrobe. I'm getting a couple more sweaters. I'm getting some blazers, but I still love my dresses.

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If you're struggling with your mental health, therapy is incredible. It's the healthiest decision you'll make this week, I promise. Okay, me again. I was just calling in saying that I'm listen to you guys on all my road trips. I'm sitting here thinking about when I was on my way. I'm on my way back from Minnesota right now to Chicago. And I'm exhausted and you guys are the only thing keeping me afloat. Anyways, I had an idea for a prompt because on the way to Minnesota this time around,

I forgot a whole bunch of shit and didn't realize it until like three hours into the car ride. um anyways i was thinking what if we did like what's the worst thing that you've ever left somewhere like thing you've forgotten somewhere that you needed something like that like story about something you forgot somewhere okay okay love you bye how much time i mean how much time do we have this is like our specialty like we are so good at it to the point that like I feel like it helps our relationship because if one of us didn't forget stuff we'd have no empathy for the other person

like we will be so far into a trip and so I'll be like oh I forgot my phone and I'll be like okay it's gonna be me tomorrow so let's go. Yeah I mean I left my passport in a hotel in Bangkok and I think oh god I remember it was really awkward

I had like had to come all the way back from the airport get it back I got back though Oh wow oh no you know what it was I left it in a feckin hotel and I went somewhere else where I didn't need my pets because I got the train to fucking Chang Mai

and I had to hope that that hotel would keep that for like a week yeah that was a toughy man stressful I was stressful man I remember when my dad my dad after I graduated

from playing on the boys tennis team this is some lore the public school athletic league granted us money to get a girls team that my dad started coaching and it was their first finals of the tournament for them to win and as he's driving out he realizes he lost his wallet

and he realizes he probably left it at like a deli or something but he's literally walking on the court to coach the girls for the championship so he had to like compartmentalize and like coach the girls not knowing where his wallet was they won the championship he drove back to this random bodega and they had his wallet But it's like there's no You've never felt more naked Than when you don't have your wallet That happened to me at the fish market in Sydney

And you're always in the most random place A fish market in Sydney And I was leaving the next day again And I had to go there at like When it first opened it was like five in the morning Yeah I got there five in the morning I walked into the store and they were like

Yeah we have it I mean because I couldn't even I couldn't call them I know it's fucked up I feel like people lose stuff in Uber's all the time And there isn't a good way to navigate that a lot of the time I feel like either the people in the back seat

take it, the Uber driver might take it One of the dumb ones I've done is You know, because I wear suits on stage I like driving to Irish shows And I got there and I realized I never put the fucking suit in the car I had to do the show in like sweatpants Oh God It's just so off brand for me

My thing is I don't know I've when I was little would like drive to tennis tournaments And get there and be like Don't have my shoes No racket No shoes, no racket When it was me and my dad it was chaos. I also, in college, I once, oh, this wasn't like the worst matches of my life.

That's not to freak it up. But I, I'm playing a match. I'm winning. I break a string. I go into my bag. There's three rackets there. All of them are also broken strings. And I had just grabbed the wrong rackets. And I had to play with like someone else's racket and I ended up losing the match. And I like could never forget myself. I showed up a golf course once realized I forgot my clubs. Yeah, par for the course. for the course um also our job involves a lot of like traveling and we talk about this a lot it's whenever your normal routine gets changed by like a second like even if we're leaving the house and someone like calls me like everything's chaos my one of my worst ones was in the

beginning of our first giggly squad tour i they made me take my laptop out i don't know why i did especially because i'm like i'm pretty check i'm fancy and it was obviously chaos we're navigating everything. I get in, I'm sitting down, pages in front of me, and I look in my bag, and I'm like, no fucking way. And I'm like, my heart starts beating on my chest. The only thing we need is the laptop. It has all the information on it. And I'm like, Paige, I left my laptop. Then that same trip left my podcast equipment at one of the hotels, didn't know which one, because we went to like four hotels, to the point that we just had to buy new podcast equipment, and eventually they shipped the laptop back.

So I had like no technology on me. The funniest one I ever had was long time ago, long before I knew you, I was actually due to fly to Colorado to the fucking Aspen Comedy Festival. So I, my ex, she was a photographer, and in the morning, we need to take a photo before I leave, a photo for me.

And she can't find her fucking bag of equipment like everything. her laptop her camera everything she can't find it like in god knows where freaking out i miss my fucking flight because of it i missed the connector to london but i'm like i'm not leaving until we find it's like she couldn't have been more distraught right can't find it anywhere call everywhere finally we give up and we just accept it like it's gone you know nothing we can do and we leave the elevator opens in my building the fucking bag was on the elevator

you know I guess we just had shit in our hands it had been on the elevator or did someone steal it and they just put it back in the elevator it was going up and down people just leaving it in there my god also whenever you lose something you're always like why can I put an air tag on it

but like you never remember yeah that was the worst one anyway okay we don't have a lot because what you do what you do were learning is that when you lose stuff, it's not what's important. It's who you're with. It's who you're with, exactly.

What's next, DJ Des? Oh, I know I'm such a hypocrite when I say, I'm not going to mention the cats, but the cat is trying to eat the headphone wire. No, that, Hannah. He's just holding it with his little paws. No, but no, he's biting it now. Hannah, guys, can you hear the cat,

Isle and Hannah? From the smell to the fact that the cat is... We have no Delta headphones left because the cats have eaten all the headphones. I also haven't been on tour. Don't worry. When I get back on tour, I'll have a ton of Delta headphones for us. But these cats are perfect. They could do whatever they want. And if they want to eat the headphones, that's the price we have to pay

for their cuteness. All right. Well, our Ethiopian dialer messaged in again. They missed last week's prompt, so they're dialing in late with a prompt about what makes them better than everybody else. Hey you guys, I'm from Ethiopia again.

I missed last week's prompt because I was stupidly on a fucking social media break and I missed the prompt. So I listened to the episode and here I am now. So what makes me feel absolutely better than anybody and everybody is taking my coffee, black and sugarless. just walk into any coffee shop and let them ask you, how do you take your coffee and all them black and sugarless? And that will immediately make you feel better than anybody and everybody that's in there. I mean, I have always taken my coffee black. I mean, coffee is black, so that's how you should take it. But now I'm on a sugar break, so I also take it sugarless. That will doubly make me feel better than everybody.

This should be a common answer, but that's it. Well, first of all, one thing I want to say for sure is that I judge you for liking so much sweetness in your coffee. I know. Yes. I do have to say she is better than me. Like, she's better, 100%. Also, I got to imagine that she's got access to some pretty good coffee. Quality coffee.

If you're going to eat some 7-Eleven coffee with no sugar, I don't know if you can hand it. Well, actually, 7-11 coffee is not bad. I don't want to sort of stick up for 7-11. I've actually never had it. But Ethiopia is a big coffee-producing country, right? Yeah, maybe she's having... I mean, actually, I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know. I have slowly over time gotten more and more into black coffee, actually. I do think it's insane. Like, your body can't handle having, like, a Starbucks Frappuccino every day, which, I'll be honest, I feel like when we were little, that's what we did. I feel like Frappuccino's is, like, really like, a chocolate. 25 year ago thing. Yeah, it's very...

Did you just call me a millennial? No, no, because I remember... When frappuccinos came out when I was 10 years old, I was like, I would get it for lunch. I'd go and get like a strawberry chocolate frappuccino and a large, and that would be my lunch in between classes. I just remember coming back from Ireland one time, my brother's being like, bro,

frappuccino, it's like a shake, bro. It's dessert. It's fully dessert. I take after my dad, and I want it milky, I want sugars, I want to take it. I wanted to taste like coffee ice cream. We have the vanilla stuff in our fridge. Oh yeah, I add vanilla.

Super sweet. Oh, I love it. I love it so much. But I like the flavor of coffee, but I'm realizing I like sweet vanilla coffee. I like hazelnut too. I like a little hazelnut. I like when you get,

when you actually get nice beans without getting wanky, as I said earlier, when you get nice beans and it's done right, and I am no connoisseur of how to do coffee, But when there's somebody that does it right for me, when you can really taste the difference in flavor, that is quite satisfying. See, I like tasting the dairy. I don't like the tartness of straight up coffee. I know, but after a while, you get, after a while, you start to, like, you start to actually recognize all these different flavors.

Yeah. And you can really, truly only get that from the black coffee. But don't get me wrong. I don't always want black coffee. I like putting milk in my coffee. You do. You do. But there are times where you just.

Like Stephen Mullen Stephen Mullen Sorry I'm fun What Sorry I'm fun I mean but at the end of the day You put in so much sweetness into it That there's

There's no Well you'll tell me you're like Oh don't use that pot It's been out for six hours And I'm like I don't care I'm not tasting the coffee Like Hannah could have like Like chart like almost like

scraping it off the pot You're like taste good to me Duncan has those boxes of like ice coffee That they someone brought over And I drank from it for like two weeks no problem no problem it was coffee yeah I mean good for you but also I didn't drink coffee until I became a stand-up comedian I used to drink like machas occasionally and chis because when I was little and I tried coffee I'd like my legs would shake so now I but now you've gotten used to it

yeah now you're an addict now I'm a full act honestly I feel like like when a heroin dealer like ruins their girlfriend's lives and gets them into heroin yeah that's that's that's That's how I feel with you and coffee. Yeah. Because I basically kind of turned you into an addict. Yeah, and then you make it for me, which is so cute. But you were somebody that needed coffee. You're such a slow starter to the day.

I'm such a slow starter. And also, I enjoy, I like the taste of it. Like, I'm excited for a cute life coffee. Yeah, you needed the little kick. But also, some would say, if you have anxiety, like myself, it does amp it up. However, you take the go with the bad. Marlon Monroe said that Water is key

Which I'm working on as well Water is key Yeah All right you want to Trow in another You want to do an advice one to finish off Yeah So this came in randomly

And Let's see Hi Hannah and Dad's long time listener First time caller I just need some Relationship advice I don't know whether I should just waited out or if I need to take action and the fact that my boyfriend is still obsessed

with his high school self and really just like eats up the fact that he was number one and the best football player in his high school. He is a late 20s adult now and I just don't think he's ever been humbled before and understands that you don't need to be number one and you're not going to be number one for the rest of your life. And I just really want him to be have less of a god complex and i don't know whether that just comes with time since men age slower but i don't know whether i should be the one to humble him parents should be the one to humble him because i don't know if life's really doing the trick because he kind of gets out of anything to try to be number one so i just want to know what your eyes's advice are because

i really want to marry him and oh this is a tough this is this is layered because at the end of the day, he's her number one. So he is number one in your life. Yeah, I was initially going to make a joke being like, actually, I think you're just in denial about the fact that he's an asshole. Yeah, I was like, I think you hate him. But now that you mentioned that, I think, wait a minute, why don't you just embrace it? Yeah, I think you embrace it. He's number one.

But I also think you do what Des does to me, which does humbles me every day. What? But through humor, through humor. So it's like, you, you, when I try to bullshit, you, you, you, you or like you call me out and you keep me self-aware and keep me grounded. Let me get an example before people start like, people start putting narratives on this. Give me an example of what you're talking about. Well, I think like career-wise, you have a lot of experience with stuff. I'm not, that's, I'm not trying to humble you. I'm trying to, I'm trying to just give you my opinion based on my experience. I've been in places where like something good's happening and

you're like, hey, let's stay focused. Don't get all excited about this also because it probably won't work out. And then when it doesn't work out, you're like, I'm like, thank God he told me that, but you're just being realistic. And it sounds like with him, she gets annoyed that he's not being realistic with stuff. Right, right. He's got a big head. I think he needs some negging. For the record, just in case the dialers are wondering, the thing that I have expressed to Hannah in the past in relation to what she's talking about is that the entertainment industry, particularly in the United States, they can be very overly positive and full of shit. And a lot of smoke and mirrors. A lot of smoke and mirrors. So all I was saying was

this is my thing, just so people know. In my business, maybe some people are in this business that are listening. This is very good advice. Don't get excited until it's happening. Because there's so many people that will promise a lot and so often doesn't

come through. But it's not to be a killjoy. No, but like when you're green and like a big agent tells you something, you really take it to heart because they have more experience than you. And then you realize, unless, even if you've signed a contract, unless you're actually doing the deed.

So, no, there's just certain things that you've helped my perspective in. I didn't have a DES. I know. I just had to feel the disappointment. I know, but now you're helping me. Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear in case it sounded like I was like bullying you.

No, but I always talk, like, I want a partner that keeps it real with me. I don't want them to let me walk all over them or lie to me to make me feel better. I want someone who's honest because they love me, you know? But here's the thing, though, like, it's hard for me to gauge from the way she describes it, like, what, I'm wondering what the problem. So he's obviously holding on to past glories, sort of, right?

Maybe she had tougher experiences and she's starting to just get annoyed because she did say something like, he gets away with everything kind of thing. Yeah, and it's hard, like, sometimes these resentments build up, where certain things start to bother you about your partner. And I'm just wondering, of course, you can try to humble him, but you don't want to get into the passive-aggressive zone.

Yeah, where you're just suddenly being negative Nancy with everything and making him feel shitty about himself. But it also is kind of giving, like, isn't this what made you fall in love with him in the beginning? That now you started turning on him. Because some girls would be like, I want my man to have more confidence.

He doesn't believe in himself. Yeah. He is stuck. on past stuff that he's insecure about and can't move on. I love a confident man, but if he's being an asshole, that's another thing. And that's the thing. I mean, you know, it's very hard to gauge this one, actually, because you want to marry him. I guess there's just a part of you that's...

Maybe she gets embarrassed by him. That's what I was... Maybe when he's around people, he gets a little braggy or annoying. You know, I feel like maybe she feels like he's not maturing fast enough. I mean, she kind of expresses that. I mean, I guess if it's really bugging you, you could just have like a gentle conversation of like, where you, like, what's going on?

Like, where are you at? Like, you're 29, you're still. But I don't know if it's just her sense that he still thinks he's great because he was on the football team or if that's actually like part of. But also, if he's using that past experience of being great on the football team

to be great now and whatever he's doing, that sounds. Well, that's the thing. We don't know how good he's doing in his life now. Yeah. You know? Like, yeah. still like part, like if he's not growing up, quote on quote, I mean, I hate that term.

Well, you can do the joking of just like, okay, stop, you peaked, don't act like you peaked in high school kind of thing. Like, okay, we're not in high school anymore. But it does sound like it's just one of those little like personality things that are kind of, it's kind of irking her. But also if you let it eat at you, you could get really irritated. Have a gentle conversation. Have a gentle conversation. I mean, listen, if you're thinking about getting married, can't be afraid to have these conversations. Also, I do think it's important to talk about humility sometimes. We don't talk about it in our culture.

So he's arrogant. There's nothing more hot than like a humble guy. I love a humble man. But also a lot of the time people are arrogant when they are insecure. So maybe he is insecure about some stuff. And maybe you do the soft road if you figure out what he might be insecure about that you could help him with. But again, communication is key.

But also, if you just don't like him, then you don't like him. Well, I also want to point out that Hannah is also very helpful to me in my career, just in case people think it's some sort of one-way street, particularly around social media and moving into the modern age of entertainment. So just in case anybody thinks it's a one-way street of wisdom sharing. It is not. It's just different aspects. Look, he wouldn't be where he is today.

I help Hannah with my past mistakes and hip mobility. And I help him with the algorithm. Hannah has bad hips too by the way just so people know they're tight and they're probably just getting worse Yeah

As I say As many times I've said on this podcast If I could do it again I would have started working on my hip mobility In my 30s We like to start in the pod Pretty negative

Which is my hips I probably have a hip impediment But we're not addressing it Can I say something That's kind of private But kind of funny Sure Hannah's hip mobility

affects us in the bedroom. Is that too much? No. We're not taking it out. We can keep it. And now I'll get you next episode on something to get even. I'm not in denial about my ailments affecting us in the bed. I think every girl in their 30s is like, okay, enough with that position, I'm getting an ache.

Or like, okay, they don't open any wider. And we stop here. All right. So what do we got to do? Oh, yeah, listen. I'm in West Hampton Beach. My West Hampton Beach show is definitely going to sell out. I mean, I've been pushing it,

but it's definitely going to get there now, four days to go. There's a few tickets left, so it's your last chance. Also, I was really not paying attention to my autumn shows. I keep saying, Francisco. Yeah. But it's a month from today that I'm in San Francisco. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm really like, the end of the summer is just like, like really sneaking up at Cobbs comedy. No, this time I'm doing a punchline. Oh. Because everybody, that's like an institution. Yeah. I did Cobbs before.

It was awesome. Yeah. But, uh, great sweatshirt they give you. What's that? They give you a great shirt at Cobbs. Yes, I have that Cobbs here. Uh, but anyway, I'm doing Punchline this time. Love Punchline, San Francisco, uh, which everybody raves about is one of the great clubs. You know, like, there's a few great clubs. Madison, Comedy on State, Academy, Acme, Minneapolis, which I haven't done. Oh. But Punchline, 76, goes up there, you know, these great rooms. So I'm, I'm really, really looking forward to that.

And then I'm in, I'm back in Nashville, but I'm doing a one-nighter, like, on a Wednesday in the main room. Nice. So do spread the word about that. I'm in Atlanta. So I literally, I booked Atlanta a while ago, and I completely forgot. I said, I think I haven't, I'm in Atlanta, October. October. It's booked. And it's happening. Also at the punchline, not connected, though.

Oh, great. I think it's called punchline, Atlanta. It's like up in like Buckhead. And, uh, oh yeah, Portland and Seattle in December. Oh, great. So check it out. And I have all my tour dates on hannahberg.com. And if you don't see your city, I will be announcing a second leg shortly. Yeah. So check all that out. Like and subscribe. Don't forget the Telby's open. Our our prompts for next week were the suggestions from this week's episode so orgasmic without sex

and the worst thing you ever left somewhere amazing so you don't even need us you don't even need to message me and then where's the prompt if you're a regular listener you will know

and you guys have first dibs the prompt has been laid okay we're so bad at saying goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye Hey, hey, Hey, Hey,

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey.