Berner Phone - Berner Phone #104: Nonsexual Turn Ons

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

This week we're celebrating some of life's simple pleasures. The dialers are sharing the nonsexual things that are arguably better than sex. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des's shows

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. It's not mom and dad, Sally. Just daddy here for this episode of Burn a phone. Thank you so much for being here. Listen, we don't like when Hannah's not here.

You're not on your own. I'm the same. But all I'm going to say is that kids are hard. And this is the second weekend in a row that we had the niece and nephew here. We had them all last week. And then they went out to Shelter Island. But then they came back to us. And before we knew it, Hannah was off into the city because she's doing something very fun with Page today.

like an all-day thing. And then it was Monday. And the episode needs to get up and I got to get it done. So it's getting done. I'm on my own. One half of the Burnaphone duo surrounded by our three foster kittens, one of whom has just pooped as we began the episode. And if you recall, the theme of today's episode,

well, we have two prompts that went out on last week's episode. So what's cool about this is the people that message, in are people that listen to the pod, not just people that saw the story on Hannah's Instagram or my Instagram. And the two were the worst thing you've ever left somewhere, the worst kind of leaving something behind situation, or which was definitely the more popular one, what's the most orgasmic thing that's not sexual? And that was very popular.

So there will be more of those. but before we get going listen shout out to all the parents out there man you know and maybe one day Hannah and I will be parents but woo man they they take up a lot I don't know how anybody does it but particularly anybody who works at home makes their own schedule how do you do it how do relationships survive how do marriages survive children that's all I can say And it's not the first time I've had this experience. I've looked after people's kids before or had people with their kids staying with me before in my life. I get it.

But I guess this is the first time where I've had kids staying with me during the era of podcasting and content. And just in this era of the way that our industry works, I don't know how anybody in my industry particularly gets anything done or anybody that works from home. home anybody that works for remote it is full on now by the way i really enjoyed it but it's just like the end of the day before you realize it's just non-stop keeping them entertained and occupied and so from both halves of burn the phone me and hannah we apologize but we literally have been foiled by what most parents are probably listening to this going what are you talking about we deal with this every day we have failed once again we have failed at the basics of life

and hannah and des are without a doubt throwing their hands up and admitting that sometimes it's the thing the everyday things that people deal with without hassle hannah and des fail so shout out to the parents out there you guys are amazing that's all i can say let's get into the prompts not going to over talk i got john bishop coming out we're literally running a hotel out here in west hampton i got john bishop arriving got more people coming you know it's it's it's crazy what's going on out here um han and i also went to a very exciting lunch on saturday but i'm not going to talk about it because i have a funny feeling they talked about it on giggly squad and you know we i like to that's more like giggly squad stuff where they they talk about

exciting things that they've done. So, um, anyway, let's get into it. Thanks to, by the way, to all the, uh, Bernephone listeners that came to the West Hampton show, which was amazing. And actually, while we're at it, let me, let me, let me plug early. Uh, I'm in Nashville. I'm in San Francisco. I'm in Atlanta coming up. And then I'm in Portland and Seattle. I'm also in Las Vegas for a week, the 15th to the 21st of September. Check out my website. let's uh this one shocked me let's get into it let's hear from the dialers okay so no one talks about this but all my long-haired girlies know that when you wash your hair in the shower there's going to be some hair that gets into your butt crack and

I'm telling you one of those orgasms without actually orgasms is pulling that long hair out of your butt crack after your shower, it just gets, I don't know, I don't know what's about it. You just feel fresh, you feel clean, you feel, oh my God, I didn't know I needed this relief, but here I am, loving my life. But anyway, I love you guys. And as you guys rock and keep doing what you're doing. Wow, I definitely did not know that was a thing. I obviously understands, you know, being married to a woman that there's some hair gets loose in the shower.

But I didn't know that a hair could like, that in your buck crack, you would be aware of like a hair. So you learn something every day on this podcast. Obviously, I can't, obviously I can't identify. the only thing I can identify with is as a husband and listen I get it this is really a female podcast so you don't need to hear the stupid male opinions but I know my role as a husband and despite the fact that I am not the drain clogger I am the drain on clogger and I'm okay with that I understand that the accumulation of hair and all the other crap that gets collected in the drain is disgusting and it requires somebody who is willing to sort of

separate themselves from the disgustingness to deal with the issue and yeah you know that one of the best things i bought recently because hannah she definitely clogs up a lot of our drains but I bought cheap on Amazon that just like a plastic kind of like a snake but like it has ridges on it and you just shove that bear boy down the drain twisty twisty pull it out and boom

the most disgusting but satisfying thing by the way I wouldn't put this in my orgasm category but I would definitely put this in my insanely satisfying category is when you pull out what is really the most disgusting thing really. I think it's up there in the top five things. I think some of you are probably

already gagging right now. What you pull out of the drain is up there in the disgusting category. However, having it dealt with and like the drain flowing again, oh my God. I don't think there's any better feeling in the world.

And what's weird is now, you know, for whatever reason, in our apartment it's just easy to clog it up i think they're very it's a very old like sewage system and i'm pretty sure that like the pipes are kind of narrow i don't quote me on this but i have to do a lot of unclogging but now it's like the more disgusting the better for me because i feel like the more disgusting equals i've done a better job of unclogging that shit so i apologize but i think the ladies out there can appreciate when the husband slash boyfriend slash

whoever's in the apartment and is doing that. And also, just in case I'm coming across a sexist in any way, I am not suggesting that women can't do this task, but I am suggesting that probably

you know, a husband should take on the role. That's all I'm saying. And so that is in there in the high satisfaction category unclogging the drain. But I never knew that you had to unclog your butt crack. You know, I just never knew that was a thing. So thank you to our little dialer who messaged that in.

And by the way, you guys in the Spotify comments where you know that I love the Spotify comments, you can message in if you think that I'm like, I have like a different voice. Because I think for some reason when I'm on my own, I end up talking differently, which is like annoying, you know. I'm not saying I'm putting on my DJ voice, but I think that when you talk into a mic on your own you're not talking to somebody else your voice changes i'm pretty sure it happens and i think it's happened to me now but i can't i can't even know because now that i'm aware of it i don't even know what's happening to my voice but anyway all i'm saying is let me know in the spotify

comments light up to spotify comments oh this this one is close to my heart this is another orgasmic thing hi hannah hi does i was listening to your chaos podcast and that girl was like what's orgasmic that's not actually an orgasm and eating, eating, like, alone, like, full on, like, oh, when you can just crunch on some chips in silence, like, no one's there judging you, and it sounds like you're stomping on fresh fall leaves, like, kind of being disgusting for a little bit, but, like, oh, my legs will shake a little. I might let out a little, uh, you know what I mean? Like, but yeah, hey, you guys heard more than my ex ever did.

Ayo! Anyways, yeah, I feel like when you are alone, and you can, you can't. can like just eat in peace and not worry about manners that's orgasmic love you guys hope all as well have a nice evening amen sister amen i mean god eating on your as a as a misophonia person obviously come on we talk about this a lot as somebody who hates the sound of other people chewing i also have severe paranoia about the sound of my own chewing so if i know i'm eating something crunchy like a bag of Doritos or Captain Crunch or any, any crunchy, you know, if I want to slurp a soup, if there's somebody around me, I can't do it. I can't enjoy it.

I'm like paranoid. I feel guilty. So yeah, best feeling in the world to eat without concern about how you're coming across to other people. You know, my dad loved Doritos. big Dorito eater but he had this super annoying habit whatever about crunching he used to like to put the Dorito in his mouth and then crunch it with his tongue

so he would kind of like smush it with his tongue and it just made the most annoying sound he was a very loud Dorito eater and I'm sure he also would love when we weren't around

because obviously when we were around like, dad, you're so fucking loud with the Doritos, bro. So this is a great thing. I absolutely love it. I, by the way, I also like Doritos. And, you know, it's funny, there's certain, I'm trying to think like, what's the worst, what's the most annoying crunch?

I don't think it's Doritos, actually. I actually don't know. anyway great suggestion um and thank you thank you for your contribution uh let's get one of a losing one oh can you believe this hi guys so hannah i'm sure you're going to appreciate this one my dad was a very strict italian man and so a time that i forgot something that was kind of important for the event was I was going to my high school graduation and we obviously there's hundreds of kids, hundreds of families or this super long line to get into the garage to park. We finally get to the end of the line and I just go, oh no.

And I see my dad's eyes look at me from the rear room mirror and he's like, what? And it took me like a good minute to finally say, I forgot my cap and gown. to my high school graduation. So I almost didn't walk out with my class because I was sitting there waiting for my dad to go back home and get my capping gown. Thanks for listening, huge fan. I mean, so doable.

So doable. I can't, I think I said it last week, but there's been numerous times. I can't remember if I said it or not, but I wear a suit on stage. There's been numerous times. I've gotten to a venue like the other side of Ireland and realize, oh shit, I forgot my suit.

I've done shows in sweatpants because I forgot my suit. I've done shows in sneakers that do not match my suit because I forgot my shoes. I could forget the cap and gown. I could so easily forget like the most important things. I've also like realized I didn't bring a shirt for my suit. I'm trying to think of what was like,

what was some of the biggest things that I needed that I didn't have. So, oh, oh, yeah. What reminded me of this was you were saying how you were waiting for your dad. First of all, that is the most stress of all time when you're like, somebody forgot something and like trying to get back on time. And you're like, you're there, but you don't have what you need.

And you're waiting for that person to come through for you. Worst feeling ever. I had it where I was doing me a mom. you know the show about my mom and most of you probably have not seen me a mama but it's a bit more of a one-man show, a bit of a performance piece. So there's a section where I perform on an exercise bike because I'm doing a section about how I got obsessed with Soul Cycle and spinning after my mom died and I got to the venue and I realized I didn't bring my shorts and I needed shorts to do the spinning bit because I wear a suit and I wear the shorts underneath a suit.

And I, you know, in that show, sorry, I'm just, I apologize for, I always complain about allowing the cats to distract, but the kitten was biting the wire that is necessary for this podcast to happen. And it's like an issue. Stop. I have a kidding. I have a kitten, I have a kitten biting a wire. It's, it's torture right now in here. So, anyway, um, I forgot the damn shorts. It's literally the sort of like the climax of the show, the bit on the bike. So I had to put it out on Instagram. Is anyone near Swords County Dublin that can bring me shorts? So I needed somebody to see that that was my size within the vicinity. And I needed them within 40 minutes. Luckily, a friend of mine, shout out to John. Johnny Rav came through for.

for me and sent me a pair of shorts that fit and came through. But the stress, because my opener was already on, okay? The opener's on. And I'm like, is this Uber that I was obviously paying for that he was sending with his shorts in it? Is this Uber going to make it in time? And it did. But the stress was immense. So congratulations to you. Cap and Grant is an incredible thing to forget to your graduation because it's literally the only thing and I am not judging you the amount of times I have forgotten

the only thing that matters is insane it's insane okay let's let's keep it moving this I have to play this because minimum 20% of the messages that came in

were this Hi, Han and does. Love the podcast. Something that is orgasic to me is cleaning my ears. Recently, though, I found out that you aren't even supposed to clean your ears with a Q-tip because your ears clean themselves. Thanks, guys. Bye. Yeah, so this was, without a doubt, the thing that came in the most, I've never been a big Q-tip guy I never got over the fear of putting a Q-tip in my ear

I've been aware for a lot of my life that you shouldn't put a Q-tip in your ear when I was younger they always said nothing smaller than your elbow that's what they used to say but obviously people just love putting Q-tips in their ear

I mean it was like these messages were like a fetish site for people that love Q-tips in their ear I just kept getting these messages being like, oh my God, yeah, there's nothing better than a Q-tip. But it is quite dangerous. For me, the ear satisfaction that I get is when your ears blocked, like swimmer's ear, which I get terribly.

And you're putting in like the earwax softener. And then suddenly it clears. And it's just like, holy shit. I was literally deaf. Now, I've had my ear syringe, which apparently is also not great. I have had my ear syringed, and that was pretty awesome. But it's just not as satisfying as the feeling of just when they clear. And how I tested is I rub my fingers outside my ear.

And when I can't hear them, hear them, I know it's still blocked. And then suddenly your ear clears and you rub your fingers and you can hear it clear as day. I also want to point out that when I was in charge, China, even though this was insane, like literally on the side of the road, they have like people that cut hair and also people that do like ear shit. So I've never had my ears candled, which they also say is bad for your ears. But I have had a Chinese guy on the side of the road clear my ear out with fucking, don't even know if they were clean utensils

and he was digging away fucking pulling earwax out of my ear and I have to say it was very satisfying but it was I was freaked out the entire time I was like because obviously we're filming for the series I made about China and I was like is this probably 60 second scene when we do the edit is it worth

hearing for the rest of my life? I don't think so but anyway I did it and it was pretty cool. But you shouldn't. You shouldn't clear ear out with a Q-tip. It's not good. It doesn't clear your ear. If you actually have earwax in there, it can actually compact it instead of clearing it. So for all the people that message in, the Q-tips are awesome, don't do it. Don't do it. No matter how satisfying it is to have a look down at the orangey brown goo on the end of your cotton swab. It's not a good idea. So let's keep ticking along. Just in case

anyone thinks I suddenly sound distracted by the way John Bishop wants to have no traffic getting from the airport so he's already arrived so he's already in the house actually currently FaceTiming his wife and I'm back with you guys my most important people

the dialers so this is another thing that I love that's bullshit but I do love it Hi guys. Love you. Giggly Squad fan as well. But something that feels orgasmic that isn't is putting that fucking X on your bug bite. Like the little X marks the spot with your fingernails. And also, like it doesn't help. It doesn't help at all. So that's fraudulent. But that shit feels so good. as you know the X on the bite doesn't work

but it does feel great I hate a mosquito bite absolutely detest it and there's just there's nothing worse than like already feeling the mosquito bite

and knowing that it's too late and then sometimes you smack that motherfucker and his blood and it's just you feel you feel like how dare this mosquito and yes they sacrifice their life and i think it's female mosquitoes the bite because they're trying to have the blood to lay their eggs so i understand they have no choice i know that they're they're part of the you know the wonderful symbiosis of nature so they have no choice but to bite us it is their life's purpose

but at the same time i always think how dare you how dare you choose me and I don't know, I think Irish people can identify with this, but I am of the opinion that the mosquito is prone to the Celtic blood. Perhaps the Celtic genes predisposition to hemacromatosis, perhaps the high iron and the Irish genes, they love it. The lack of garlic, perhaps the Irish resistance to garlic is really the enemy in relation to trying to deter the mosquito. toe. But needless to say, the mosquitoes love me. They love me. If I'm with two other non-Irish

genetic people, they don't get bit like I do. The mosquito loves me. Whatever it is about my blood, they can't get enough of it. So obviously, when you've already felt the bite and you know you're going to get a big ass wealth, it's the worst feeling in the world. And even though I always do the cross and it feels nice for a second. I know it doesn't actually take away the thing, but it does, it does feel nice. But can I add for the record that other than a bee sting or a wasp sting, the greatest motherfucker of them all is the horsefly. God, when they bite me, I could, like, I can't relax if I know there's a horsefly in my vicinity because these motherfuckers When they bite you, the other day I got bit on one on the calf, this thing blew up.

It was almost my whole calf blew up. So there's nothing you can do and there's nothing satisfying about it. If anybody wants to message in the Spotify comments, what's your way of getting rid of the initial itch of a mosquito horsefly bite? One or the other. I guess you could put on some sort of hydrochortisone. but does it really work? I'm open to all suggestions. The horse flies.

One of the horrible things in this world. Sorry, I didn't mean to get dark there, but as you know, that can happen with me. I'm trying to keep it lighthearted, but it's just me. Me, three kittens, and you guys messaging in, Oh my God, we have these Lola blankets in the house now. How can I ever be with another blanket again? Have you ever felt a Lola blanket? I mean, they are the most comfortable things I have ever felt against my skin.

And, you know, I don't know if this really helps to advertise it, but we have three kittens in the house that keep interrupting our podcast. And I'll tell you right now, they love making biscuits on those Lola blankets. I mean, these things, I don't know how to describe how much I love rubbing my hand through it, not to mention it's so warm and cozy. When Hannah has the air conditioning cranked up, Lola is the world's number one blanket craft with ultra-soft luxury vegan faux fur and a signature four-way stretch that sets it apart. It's machine washable, double helm for durability, and stays flawless.

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So go to HelixSleep.com slash burn for 27% off sitewide from August 15th to September 8th. That's Helixleep.com slash burn for 20,000. 7% off. Get there now for their labor day sale. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com slash burn. Hey, Hannah. He does. Something that's orgasmic that's not sexually related to anything is when someone cancels plans with like enough time, right? I don't want to be canceled on when I'm ready and I've already showered and done all the things. But if they cancel, maybe the morning of the day before, even my clients, I'm a therapist. When my therapist cancels, like, oh, I get paid.

It's a beautiful, lovely feeling. I can just be cozy and exist. Wish this wasn't happening. I was a little nervous about it. I was going to a place where I didn't know anybody. And I wasn't in the mood. But it was so fun. So even though I totally identify with,

plans being canceled but enough time where it's not an inconvenience to you, I also say, yes, but potentially an awesome thing was going to happen and it didn't happen. So I'm 50-50 on this, you know, but at the same time, there's nothing better. Like, there's nothing better than a canceled plan when it's like an obligation that suddenly you don't have to do, something that you weren't really looking forward. to, you know, and then you don't have to feel bad, especially when you were thinking about canceling yourself. So you get to cancel with no guilt. Is there anything better than a guilt-free cancel in this life? I don't think so. I really don't think so. I love when somebody's like,

I feel so bad. I have to cancel. I'm like, no, listen, don't worry, but I always resist saying, I was going to cancel too. I would never give him that relief because I'm just basking in the guilt-free cancel. Am I an asshole? Probably. Maybe you should have saved that for the M. I an asshole episode. Hit me up in the Spotify comments. If you're somebody that alleviates the guilt of the counselor, or do you bask in the guilt-free cancel that you got because you were going to cancel yourself? It's always hard to know. None of us are perfect human beings. I certainly like to bask in it. So let's keep it moving. Let's keep it Now, I have a weird message here.

It says neutered romance, but I don't know what that means. So let's play it. This is just as exciting for both of us, all of us. Hi, I'm Hannah and Des. First time, Nicole. A massive fan of Renafone and Gigler Squad as I'm sure what people are. I am referring to one of the comments that you made about a reality show with dogs at the dog park and I think that it should be titled a muted romance.

I also apologize for my puffing, but Hannah's going to love this. It's because I'm currently pairing like four tennis rackets and a massive bag, ready to go and play tennis with my stepbrother at Melbourne, Melbourne Park, like at the Red Labor Arena. Anyway, love you guys. Bye. Oh, nice, sense of place there. I've jogged down the Yarra River many times in my years of doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival. And you've really brought me back to some beautiful members, some of the happiest members of my life in Australia. And it's such a nice part of the world down there in Melbourne Park, where the Australian

Open is. Anyway, thanks for your message. A great suggestion. I guess I wrote, I guess I kept that one because I thought it was a great. But here's my thing. I don't know, am I embarrassing myself here, but is neutered romance, which I like as a name, but is it like a pun on something or is there like a thing, neutered romance? Is that actually like a saying?

You know, I, Hannah and I haven't put in the. suggestion yet for neutered romance. Did we ever tell you guys that we thought about a show called Wags to Riches? Did we ever actually mention that? I'm not sure we did. So Hannah and I came up with a show which never happened obviously called Wags to Riches which was because you know we were fostering. We're involved with

Southampton Animal Shelter. But I'm sure I've told you but I'll say it again anyway. So we had this idea where you would get very wealthy people in the Hamptons right to adopt a rescue dog some you know some dog that came from hell but part of it would be kind of sort of like MTV Cribs where you get access to their like amazing home so you're getting sort of a look into sort of like a for people my age lifestyles are the rich and famous with Robin Leach you know uh but also the Hannah and I were going to be

presenting it with one of the trainers from Southampton Animal Shelter where the new owner, the wealthy person, the richest part of wags to riches would also do loads of dog training a la you know Caesar whatever his name was you know

because we were watching a lot of pit bulls and parolese at the time so they would be like it would be sort of a cross between like Caesar What's his face, pit bulls and parolees, but then also MTV Cribs, lifestyles of the rich and famous, and also like dog training. Sorry, which of course goes with that. But like also, like we would pick personalities, people that were like actually like good on camera, the people that were actually adopting. Anyway, the whole thing culminated in a show called Wags to Riches, but it never happened. Shout out in the Spotify comments.

If you think it's a good idea, I just get it. Guys, the shoutout and the Spotify, it's becoming a silly, it's becoming a silly like catchphrase. And I apologize. But, you know, it is, it is fun to get the feedback over there. So, you know, I feel like when I do shoutouts for things in the Spotify comments, we do get more Spotify comments. Anyway, neutered romance, great idea. We need to put together a pitch for that show.

a dating show at the dog park um let's uh let's keep it moving oh this was a forgetting worst thing you forgot hey hannah hey guys um love you both hannah i'm going to see you september 20th and norfolk can't wait uh anyway so the worst thing i ever left somewhere were my nudes on my my ex's phone We haven't been together in six years. I'm married now, but I just found out last month that he still had them on his phone and his Google photos. How did I find out, you say, from his current girlfriend. Guess who else was where on there? His ex-wife, yeah.

It's okay. She deleted them. Eh, not that mad, except for it was before I got my yiddies done and pretty low quality. So, there's that. hilarious absolutely hilarious yeah i mean i guess on one level that this could be like a serious conversation but let's just considering you're keeping it like pretty lighthearted let's just keep it lighthearted you know what's the etiquette on that you know i think it's not cool to keep the nudes on the phone but then on the flip side like are are you deleting

your exes nudes ladies you know I don't I don't have any I don't have any nudes on my phone because I really am I am really not in the safe zone

with the nudes I don't never felt safe with the nudes so but I'm curious what people think the etiquette is should we have a law

that says as you must delete nudes when you were no longer in a relationship. I mean, it's, it's frightening, right? Because you're like, who's he showing these fucking nudes to? You know, on one level, it's almost like satisfying that you probably got him in trouble, you know? But on the flip side, it's worrying because, like, is he, like, showing everybody his ex as nudes?

That's the thing that's fucking worrying, you know? Whatever about the fact that you're, concerned that I guess you're saying that you got your boobies done and you're not too happy with the version of yourself that's left on his phone understandable but I don't know man I would be more annoyed than you are you're very casual about it I would be like more annoyed like if there was like a dick pick of mine out there just hanging around and like somebody was showing it to all the people, I would be pretty freaked out. Now, I do have to say on a lighthearted note that there have been times where I've had like, well, I won't get into details, but I mean, there have been times

where I would have like a worry, like what the fuck is going on down there? And I might take a picture and so I could like zoom in and then compare it to like images on Google of like, STDs and things and then like fucking convince myself that I have an STD. I mean, it never was. And to be honest with you, it's almost always every time I've been paranoid, it's almost always the same thing. But I didn't actually discover what it was until not that long ago. And I wish I had known years earlier because the amount of times I fucking freaked myself out

thinking that I had an STD when I didn't. But needless to say, I've had numerous times. where I've like taken a picture down either my this is kind of disgust I really am I apologize in advance but um I've also had times where I've had like uh itchiness in my butt crack and uh I've I've tried to like get a picture down there to see what the fuck anyway too much information but anyway you know where I'm going with this which is you do that and then you forget to delete the fucking photo and then you like open your phone around somebody and it's like a fucking like insanely magnified picture of fucking anyway what you know what I'm saying it's

embarrassing so I have had that but I've never had like like a like a dick pick that I sent to somebody floating around I don't think so I mean I really don't think so and I certainly don't have any exes news. I don't, I don't have any of my wife's nudes on my phone. It's just not a thing that I have. So anyway, I hope this guy got in trouble. That's all I can say. That is all I can say. There was a time in my life where I really could have used affordable mental health services online, remote. That's why I love telling you about Rula. I find that sometimes people can think that therapy requires like a massive crisis in your life but you know it could be after a tough breakup maybe you're feeling a little burnt out anxiety and stress is piling up it's just a

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So, thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance. So visit rula.com, R-U-L-A-com slash burn to get started. After you sign up, you'll be asked how you heard about them. Please support our show and left to know that we sent you.

That's R-U-L-A-com slash burn. You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. I mean, you know that I'm married to somebody who really cares about sleep. And I care about sleep, too. And I care about the fact that I'm sleeping

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You know what? Let's go for an advice question, an advice moment. Let's take a break from the prompt and go for an advice moment because this came in in the openness of the Telby. So let's get into it. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. I know this is not the place, but on today's episode, you guys literally, he does said he wish he had a Des in his life. I don't know. I just need some a little bit of advice, just enough like to just help me because I'm lost. My, I found out my 18 year old has a pill problem. Didn't know. He's literally been straight A's. Everything never would have thought. I'm broken. I just just need some. I know I, I know I, I, going to help him. But just from like somebody who's been there, how do I treat him as in how do I not attack him? Because I know this is a problem and I want to help him. I really appreciate it. Just just one of those easy things. Obviously we're going to get him help, et cetera. But just

from somebody that knows what's like to need a desk. Thanks, guys. I'm also a giggler. Have a great night. Bye. Okay, I actually did not realize how serious that was, but that's okay. And thank you for messaging in. Um, I, because I only read them. I didn't realize that you were getting like emotional at the end, which is, you know, which is great. Um, so we're all here for you. All the dialers are here for you. Um, I, listen, first of all, your 18 year old son was me number one okay uh so all is not lost how did my parents deal with me i mean my parents were worried about me from the age of 14

my you know my mother told me at 14 that i had a problem uh of course i didn't listen to her but you know i mean they had their way i can't really complain about how my parents dealt with me so let me go back to that mindset um i mean here's the thing it's hard for you because on a certain level you're powerless all right there's it's it's limited what you can do right and i definitely don't have the advice for exactly what people suggest nowadays but I think it I think you know that it's going to be easy for you to find the best ways that you can try to help the good news is that there's a lot of help out there the realistic news is that it can everybody's journey is different you know so

there's an element of your son will will need to want to deal with it. And that's the part where you're powerless. And, you know, we were joking on the Bishop Exchange last week about the serenity prayer. And even though I'm not a religious guy, I was saying that the serenity prayers, it's one of the great prayers. And, you know, I'll just break it down for you because I think it's very relevant in your situation, which is, of course, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

to courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to note a difference. So the one thing that you can't change is it's very hard for you to make your son want to do the work that's necessary for him to deal with this, you know. But the second part of that, the courage to change the things you can, you have the power to do the things that you can, which is inform yourself, give in part as much knowledge as you possibly can onto your son,

not to mention give your son every possible opportunity to get help. And then the wisdom to know a difference part is knowing, you know, when you're in a situation where there's things that you can do and also knowing when you're in a situation where you just have to

like let go and know that you're powerless you know and that that's the hardest honestly I for parents I think that's the hardest part I can't imagine what my mother went through at that time because I was in pretty bad sheep

with the alcohol and the drugs I mean I didn't have things have changed the since my time so the the addiction part the pill addiction part it's it's easier to have gotten lost in that in the modern era which i'm assuming from your message is what your son's dealing with so i hope that he can get into a residential facility because you just need like a break from everything like you need to get that space now he may not do that or you may not be able to get that

but i would say it would be great in an ideal world if he could go somewhere and do like the 30 days just to get the break um and all i can say is that i really i wish you the best you caught me by surprise i apologize probably everybody which is okay because obviously you got caught by surprise you weren't expecting it, you know? And I didn't fucking read the message properly. And so that's why the whole, it really, the whole thing ends up just being like, you never fucking know what life is going to throw at you. You know, so you're definitely getting nothing but a combination of sympathy and

empathy for me because I definitely understand what your son's going through. but I can't truly understand what you're going through as a parent. But if I could give you a hint of hope, I literally was a mess at your son's age in a very similar way, and I ended up okay. So there's that. And I know a lot of people who have gone through what you've gone through with varying levels of success.

So I wish you and your son the best. Oh, I think you said like about the attacking part. Honestly, I think you just got to be there in the support zone. And I think rather than if you're worried about the attacking, I think you should just come at him with motivation to get help. You know, because essentially you're still getting off. You're still getting out of your system. your desire to do something

and to be able to sort of express the frustration and the fear but you're not being like you're doing something wrong all you're trying to say is I have a solution you know and hopefully they will take the solution

you know so basically come at him with solution and don't be afraid to come at with with some strength but obviously you don't want to drive them insane. But also, don't give yourself a hard time if you feel like you didn't get it right

because it's not easy, you know? And I think a lot of parents think they've done something wrong. And that's another thing that you have to give yourself a break on because this just can happen to anybody. So we wish you the best here on Burn a Phone. And yes, it took a turn in a very lighthearted episode.

but anyone who's listened to Dez solo episodes knows it always gets intense and we love it well I love it hopefully you love it message in the Spotify comments with some support for our dialer there and thanks for your message let's go back to orgasmic things things you forgot here's one for the girlies okay this one's kind of related to losing stuff, but it's just like more of a question because I feel like the whole reason I don't have a Stanley is because I know I'm going to leave it everywhere I go and you're supposed to take your Stanley with you everywhere you go. So my question is for Hannah, how does she keep her Stanley on her and how does she not lose it everywhere? Because that is the whole reason

why I refuse to get a Stanley because I leave my cups everywhere. This is actually a question for Hannah and Hannah's not here. Well, I can tell you how Hannah does. doesn't lose her Stanley. She's got about four of them. Um, my house is full of Stanley's. And, and when she drops one, uh, everybody in the house gets a fright because they're so damn heavy. Um, honestly, I think the reason why you should get a Stanley is because they're hard to forget because they're so fucking huge. Because like, when you don't have it, you're like, why do I feel so light? Why does my, why do I feel like I'm moving around so easily and like, Oh, yeah, normally I'm carrying around like a 30 pound fucking weight.

So if you're thinking about getting a Stanley get one, obviously as a Gen X man, I don't get the Stanley thing. But, you know, go girls. My friend's daughter, she's nine years old, she has a fucking Stanley. It's like bigger than her head. But it's cool. It's like a, it's the girly accessory these days. So just get one. You won't forget it because when you don't have it, you will know that you don't have it because you'll feel so free.

Let's do a couple more before we go. And I get back to entertaining. This one says great phone story. Hi, I just called in, but I'm going to do another one because this happens to me a lot. But on my way home from vacation, we were in an airport in the Dominican Republic and I left my phone in a bathroom. and it was like right when you pull in so I left it and then we went through customs and everything so by the time I had realized that I had lost my phone we had already gone too far and I couldn't like go back to the bathroom to check if my phone was there so we were asking all

of the staff like did anybody find a phone did it turn up everywhere anywhere so I guess it was kind of on their radar and like such a coincidence a couple on her flight back to Toronto looked at me and recognized my face and my boyfriend's face at the time as my background on my phone and they were like, hey, did you lose your phone? We found this in the bathroom and thankfully it was my phone and they gave it back to me when I unlocked it in front of them. I mean, is there anything better than when you're in like the worst situation of forgetting something and somehow it comes back to you? That is the best. That's actually, that is only, that is almost like a combination of the two prompts accidentally so what's what's orgasmic that's not sex

is when you lose something and it comes back to you in a way that like is unexpected i had one i was i was playing volleyball rogers beach westhampton and i got back to the car and you know when you have loads of shit in your hand and you put stuff on the roof and then of course by the time I finished getting organized, I forgot to grab the shit, including what I'd put on the roof is my wallet. Because I guess, you know, I probably had my wallet in my hand because my shorts were wet because I jumped in the ocean at the end of playing volleyball. So I didn't want to get my wallet wet.

So then I got to the car, loads of shit in my hand. I put my wallet on top of the car. I completely forgot. When I was driving off, I thought I had noticed something behind me, but didn't pay any attention. Turns out my wallet had flown off the car. My credit cards and shit had gone everywhere. And I had no idea. I didn't even know that I didn't have my wallet.

And like an hour later, I'm getting an assaye bowl at Sobel Assayee in West Hampton. And I check my phone. I check my request DMs, not my, not my Instagram DMs that like come to me, but like, you know, the request ones where it's people that don't follow you. And it's like, hi. this is somebody you don't know me but I think your wallet fell off your car

and we have it and we're in West Hampton for like another half an hour before we leave to go back to Suffolk County somewhere like deeper into Suffolk County anyway they left a number I called them met them 10 minutes later with like everything my credit card my driver

everything they gathered it all up to because most of that shit had fallen out of my wallet that was one of the happiest moments of my life um i can't and and and how they knew to message me too was interesting i feel like one of them said either i think that's hannah berners husband or i've seen that guy do stand up or anyway need this to say somebody somehow knew that they could find me easily on instagram and happy memory thank you for thank you for reminding me let's do one more before we wrap it up this one is says i forgot my brother it's very home alone

let's see what happens hey guys um so worst things you forgot it wasn't me but it was my mom when we were little we were driving away from some school function and she's you know frazzled we're all in the car we're driving away we get down the road like a mile or two and she just goes shit we forgot Eli we forgot my little brother at the school so we had to go back and there he was alone sitting on the curb looking so sad that his whole family forgot him and um this was like 15 plus years ago and it's still so funny to this day so yeah I feel like I could do that you know like I'll tell you what I recently you know my nephew has been out here for the summer working and I pick him up at the end of work, which can be quite late, and I drop him back.

He's staying with my other brother. So both uncles have been looking after their 16-year-old nephew this summer. So like with all the madness that's been here, people staying at the house, I completely forgot about my nephew. Now, when I say I forgot about him, I forgot that I was going to need to pick him up. Luckily, the phone, when the phone rang, I was like, oh, fuck. I forgot. but but I feel like there's a lot of parents out there that are probably listening that are like yeah I've I've forgotten one like not for any period of time but I think it can happen so just

a just a word to the wise out there no wonder they used to have that commercial when I was a kid it's six o'clock do you know where your kids are sometimes you need to be reminded life gets busy you know it's so easy to forget stuff how many times how many times the dialers out there how many times have as like somebody called you and you're like on the other line or something and you're like oh hey i can't talk i'll call you back in a sec and then completely forget and you call them like a day later you know or just just it's so easy to forget shit man so listen sometimes you forget your kids shit happens man anyway guys you've been great thank you so much for carrying the app it's all on the dialers today Hannah sincerely

apologizes for not being able to do it this week but we need to get these episodes up on time and there really is there's just a lot going on this week so one half of the burn of phone duo is looking after the episode today thanks for all your messages see you in the spotify comments we'll see you next week i didn't come up with a prompt this worked out great to do the prompt within the episode but i haven't come up oh actually no i do have a prompt for next week this is next week's prompt everybody what do you wish you if what what do you wish you could tell your 10 years ago self. So a lot of times people say,

what can you tell you 16 years up? No. What did you wish you knew 10 years ago? What did you wish you knew 10 years ago? Which means it's relevant to everybody. If you're 50, what did you wish you knew when you were 40? If you're 30, what did you wish you knew when you were 20? You know?

What did you wish you knew 10 years ago? That's the prompt for next week. Thank you guys for dialing in. Check out our websites for dates. We are on the road. Thank you. Spread the word about the pod. We love you. Thank you, little dialers. Good day. whenever you finally, finally get to comb home from a trip. And I mean, the further away from home, the longer the trip was, the better. And finally being able to take a shit on your own toilet. It is

the most magical experience. It doesn't matter how chaotic your bowel movements were during this trip. You know that the moment you finally get to sit on your toilet, your body will finally experience peace. It will finally be fucking restored. It is magical. I mean, totally orgasmic, very not sexual, but also very real. Okay, first time dialer, long time listener, but I feel like this prompt that what first came to mind to me that is the most orgasmic thing that is not sex is getting into like really, really, really, really hot water. And I mean like actually, so either like a bath or a hot tub or the shower, like I want

it's scolding, burning my skin, absolutely destroying me. And then I basically can't stay in it for any longer than a few minutes before I feel like I'm going to pass out. But I feel like it feels so good. Yet I don't understand why for some reason the men in my life, so my husband or other men can't deal with super hot water. So who knows, maybe it's a thing for just women, but I love it. Bye. Hi, mom and dad. Giggler till I die here. Anyway, something that feels orgasmic that isn't sex is when you are wearing a new pair of boots specifically cowboy boots and they hurt all in night you're torturing yourself and it takes you five minutes to loosen your foot out of that shit the second you get the boot off your foot oh oh my god the relief that you

feel it's it is orgasmic thanks bye love you okay I am calling in response to the worst things you've forgotten from. So I wear glasses and I can't grow the fuck up and wear contacts. So I wear glasses pretty much every day of my life. And there have been a few times that I've been in a hookup situation and, of course, had to take my glasses off because they're getting in the way. And then the next morning has left without them and had to be the walk ashamed back to get them, which is so embarrassing.

But the best time was in Queenstown, New Zealand, met this guy out, we're like hooking up we go down to the little beach area in town schooling around there whatever we go back to his hostel I end up staying the night I wake up blind as shit can't see anything and we had to retrace all of our steps so I have this man just leading me blindly through the town we went down to the beach area and lo and behold there were my glasses on the shore pretty scratched up but got them back

and yeah that was that never got his name but he was the real one