Berner Phone - Berner Phone #106: Dialer's Choice

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

We're letting the dialer's choose their own adventure this week. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows

Hi, it's Hannah Berner And Des Bishop Thanks for calling the burner phone If you leave a message after the tone We may have to make it into a podcast I'm back, baby I know you guys missed me You know what the bad news is Hannah

What? This is the second week in a row you're back You've completely forgotten Back again with another one Last week's episode, what would you tell your 10 year old self, 10 years ago, self? Do you remember that? Yeah. That was last week.

Sorry. Honestly, the summer is, what is, what planet are we on? Let's begin with that. Welcome to Earth. Today we're on Earth. Today we're driving. We're driving. I'm driving, though.

Hannah's DJing today. Well, it does. Even though he wanted me to get my license, does not want me to drive. Excuse, Hannah. Like, it's like a woman in the 1920. Is it me not wanting you to drive or is it you not wanting to drive? Well, when you say, I don't feel comfortable with you driving, I go, okay. When do I say that?

You said you don't want. No, I said I didn't feel. You can't handle it emotionally. And look, I agree. I'd rather sit in the car with you. That's funny, because we're driving to play paddle. Oh, yeah. So, guys, God forbid, I just play one racket.

sport. We need to play all the racquet sports without playing pickleball. So paddle is the next thing you do. If you don't know what paddle is. But the funny thing is that I'm not playing. I'm just going to hang out. But I, I didn't really want to. But both your mother and I agreed that we didn't trust that you could handle the journey on your own. Because you'd have to drive on 20. So it's out to Sagaponic. We're out in the Hamptons. And, you know, it's just, it's a hairy drive. So you don't want to be here right now? No, no, no. It's not like that it's not like that it's just you know but your mother and i were in agreement do you think you can't handle it honestly yeah i mean it would have been stressful but you have to overcome your

demons yes you have to deal with adversity but the thing is is that you when i do my first difficult drives you want to be in the car with me however when you're in the car with me we always just decide that you should drive yeah well and and in this situation we're podcasting so it wasn't it wasn't a situation where you should drive while i made it worth your while. But here's the good news is Hannah is, Hannah's on the deck. So we didn't do a prompt this week.

So there was just some good midweek interaction that's on, that came into the Telby. One or two from last week. But just let's, can we just start with a very uplifting message that came in that

maybe why you said, I'm back, baby, because we discussed this right before we got in the car. From the solo episode, was a very emotional message came in about a woman and her son and she has sent in an update so let's have a listen Hi Des

this is the mom you gave advice to about two weeks ago I'm going to make this short and quick you're awesome I read all the Spotify comments it's been a world when we have he's gotten help he's asked for help

he is getting help he is starting treatment I'm proud of him I just have to tell you, thank you. Every day is a new day, and I am confident that he has the right support that will get him through this, and he has me. All else fells, I got him. So from my mom, I just wanted to tell you, thank you. You're great.

Thank you. Have a great week. I'm in the middle of listening to your current episode of Bernan, from right now just wanted to say thank you bye she was in the middle of listening to you on last week's episode listen this woman has been making me cry now for like two weeks

you know but anyway the good news is that do you want to give a little backstory if someone missed that episode yeah so for those that didn't listen to the solo episode two weeks ago I can't even remember what the theme was for the solo episode but it was pretty

it was pretty lighthearted and then this this message came in and it was like kind of like I was looking for advice. And I sort of like, I don't know, I gave it like a quick perusal, but I wanted, I just was like, oh, this'll change it up nice. And I just threw it in without really knowing what it was about. And when we listened, it was a very emotional from this wonderful woman

about her son who has been just a great kid, but actually it turns out he's struggling with addiction to pills. And it was, it was, you know, it was very moving. and it was kind of like took us all by surprise because when I say us all I mean the dialers probably weren't expecting it either and I certainly wasn't expecting it even though I hadn't even though I sort of half read it

anyway she was in the Spotify comments and she had said that you know it helped and obviously listen I can't give much advice but I had the journey that her son has been on you know anyway the good news is that she's messaged in now that he's going for help which is great she's like maybe one day

he'll be able to be podcasting in a car. Yeah, one day. If his dreams come true. But you know what, though? A problem shared is a problem halved. Yes. And for her at that moment, she just, maybe even she just needed to just throw it out into

the universe, which Burn It From kind of is, you know? Also, let's be honest, everyone's addicted to something. Yeah. And it's channeling it to try to be the healthier addictions. And let's also face it, we're looking to get into the kind of Oprah market. so thanks mom for making it seem like we can handle the heavy topics we're going to become the doctor the mr and mrs phil of the dr phil universe no but listen this is so great i was so happy when i saw my god well it's so cool i mean she make me cry again you know she's talking

it's crazy well to know that people are listening and they feel a little less alone that's all we could ask for but you know it does also we were joking before Not about this, actually, coincidentally enough about something else. We won't get into the details, but it was something about, you know, somebody's kid who came upon hard times. And I was saying to Hannah, see, this is why you can't have kids. It's just like, it's just too much stress. Yeah.

But some would say it's worth all the stress. I mean, I've been joking in my comedy routines because I talked to a lot of moms about if we should have kids. and it's always a mixed bag of hilarious feedback on having kids a lot of time because the daughter sometimes in the crowd next to her yes um i've been joking it's like you you like recreate yourself and you have a new name and and you don't get a lot of sleep but you and you worry about a lot there's a lot of stress i'm like it's giving cult it sounds like your new cult your new name is mama but But there's, it's kind of like when you, when you lose someone you love, it's like, would you rather have not gone through it all?

Or would you rather have loved but lost? That's when I told you, it's my mother's favorite expression. What is it? It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved it all. Well, not our favorite expression, but any time you had a breakup. It's better to have loved and long. Oh, Hannah, come on. We're so sick of this running gag.

Jesus Christ. So anyway, as I said two weeks ago, but this is so cool is because, like, I put my mother through what this woman is going through. I, like, 100% did. And by the way, I was 3,000 miles away for a lot of it. So my mother was sort of like dealing with, you know, pre-internet, too. So really just like at times probably wondering, was I okay? Yeah.

But the flip, you know, we were joking saying kids aren't worth stress. But, you know, I did put my parents through that stress. But, you know, I ended up okay. And honestly, most of the time in these situations, they end up okay. It's very easy for adolescents to lose their way with substances because if fucking adolescence is so hard, you know, when I think back to fucking all the emotions that you navigate, I don't know how the fuck I got through it, to be honest. It's also just so confusing.

And you're not equipped with a fully formed brain to deal with anything. Yeah, and then you have the internet on top of it. Oh, God, I can't imagine. All the pressures of modern adolescents. But it's funny because a lot of these, I was considered like a goody two shoes. Really? My addiction, yeah, you know that. My addiction was tennis.

So, like, I wasn't going to the parties. Your addiction was perfection. True. Approval. And we're still chasing it. You're doing a great job, Hannah. But I always thought it was cool that these kids were taking time to, like, go out and navigate social situations and explore things and try things.

And obviously, it can go too far at times, but it is part of them, like, overcoming adversity and becoming the people that they're going to become. And the hard times is what builds their character. Yeah, and I also have to tell this, I probably didn't mention this last two weeks ago. But, like, I would consider the things that I learned from stopping using drugs and alcohol

as, like, foundation stones of my life that I still rest my life. upon today, like solid foundation stones. Yeah. So we used to joke that we were the lucky ones because we were forced to take a look at ourselves early, that most people don't actually take an inventory of their life until like the midlife crisis. Now, I don't know if that's 100% true, but I know that there's partial truth in the fact

that when you have to really, you know, have a look at yourself at a young age, that's going to stand to you in your 20s. And you don't stop to take a look at yourself unless something as hard is going on. And some kids, it never gets bad enough for them to have to make changes. And that's okay too. And that's okay too. However, I would argue that especially for men, sometimes, like, they don't experience something enough to go to therapy and, like, talk some things out until they have, like,

a really messed up breakup or they have something, or they just turn into an asshole. Yeah. So anyway. A good news story to start the pod. Also, adversity makes you funny. Period. Period. Period. Okay.

For the third episode in a row, we are going to talk about peeing in the shower. Oh, right. You don't have to go in order, by the way. They don't... Hey, guys. So I am a pee-in-the-shower convert. I used to be against it, but recently I realized it's fine because think about if you're peeing on the toilet and some dribbles down your leg, what do you do?

You wipe it off. like you're not like going to scrub it with soap so in the shower you're better off because you're scrubbing your leg with soap after or you know whatever you're doing or if your shower get some pee in it what would you do if your shower was dirty you would clean it with water and soap which is already trickling into the shower off of your body it's really like not a big issue I don't know why I was not doing it earlier. Well, thanks, guys. Love you. Bye. Yes, women in STEM. That's what we're talking about.

And I basically, I only added this because I just, I needed to be verified outside of our little circle of disgustingness. We are changing, we're normal. We are changing culture one episode at a time. Yeah. I mean, this is pretty powerful what just happened. Somebody in the Spotify comment said, I was told once by a plumber that it's bad to pee in the shower, but I can't remember why. So perhaps... That's one of those old wives' tales.

Yeah, perhaps it's one of those things. But anyway, we don't need this... We talked about it a lot. I'm pretty sure there's worse things that go down the shower. I know it's bad for the shower. All my hair that's stuck in the shower. Yeah, which I discussed on the solo episode. Just so you know.

Now I feel like there's like three friends hanging out and you guys hung out without me and you have inside jokes about me. So when I bring it up, you guys are all rolling your eyes and I don't know why. Oh, I actually... I had a passionate section about... the fact that it's a man's job to deal with the hair, even though it's not their hair. Oh, my God. Well, yeah, that's very chivalrous of you.

And honestly, you're not, you've said it out loud on the pod. You're not the most handy guy. But when you, like, took that, like, wire hanger. I talked about it. I talked about it. And you gave me an abortion. Not a wire hanger, Hannah. Did you hear what I just said?

I did. No, it was a wire hanger that you honestly. undid and you turned it into shish kebab and you put it down and then you fixed it I was so attracted to you in that moment but what I talked about was I since then bought those plastic things off Amazon yeah yeah did were you were you less turned on by me after it no it was never about you it was just about unclogging the drain yeah you know it is what it is look when you somehow my hair is everywhere and you're not truly dating a guy and like he finds your hair in his butt crack, and he pulls it out one day.

Well, that's what started the discussion. Really? Was the hair in the butt crack? Yeah. You know, Hannah, we really missed you that episode. Thank you. I would have added some color. No, I wanted you there for the hair in the butt crack because I wasn't aware of the

hair and the buck crack thing. Have you not found my hair in your butt crack yet? No, there was a blonde one in there. I hate to say this. It's because you don't wear underwear. Hannah, he's a private thing. No, I'm kidding. We've talked about that.

Anyway. Okay. So listen, can you don't have, I didn't do the minority. They're just randomly picked. But can you, there's a couple of funny prompt suggestions that I liked. Oh, okay. Let's see. Okay, guys, I just thought of a good prompt.

Y'all should do what is the craziest thing you've done to get back at somebody who hurt you? Like, maybe specifically relationships, because I feel like that's most common. but I guess just in general, like somebody that hurt you. One time this guy that I was talking to in high school, I found out he, like, hooked up with another girl while we were talking. So literally the next day or the night I found out, I found out me and my sister and my best friend went and egged the fuck out of his house. So, yeah, then he posted about it the next day and was like, F you, y'all fucked up. my dad's BMW. So, I don't know.

That's my answer. I feel like that's a good prompt. Let me know what you think. Such a good prompt. Yeah, I think we did something along those lines before, but. Yeah, but I kind of like the revenge in general, like not just relationships. Like gentle vengeance. Gentle vengeance.

Ooh, that's, ooh. Gentles. Jengens. Jengens sounds like STD. But I, as a Sicilian, Paige and I talk about this a lot, My biggest advice when it comes to revenge is actually that the universe is way more creative than we ever could be because we're mere humans. Whenever I've sat back and been like, carmically, I know this was fucked up. And even in this moment, if I look like, you know, like they won and they fucked me, I know that the karmic retribution will make its way.

And it is always, it could take years, by the way. It could take decades. It's always worth it. um also like instead of spending the time like planning revenge on them like work on your own shit is what i like to say however um it is fun to egg someone's house i've never done it yeah i mean i threw eggs a lot at halloween but i never you were one of those kids yeah you mean you mean a normal young kid in new york city no it was always the naughty boys doing it it was always the naughty teenage boys and then shaving cream yeah we use shaving cream we

go out and you know it was amazing so naughty that was so fun i was and then the girls I can't think of any... We put all the stuff into our Halloween outfit to get, like, smacked in the head with an eggshell. Oh, right. No, well, we used to go out bombing. I think we called it bombing. And the girls came with us. You know, we all wore crappy clothes and we just, like...

Ruined people's Halloween. Yeah, well, you manipulated the cap of the barbersole shaving cream so that it would come out, like... You put a pin in the... You put a pin in it. Oh, women in the stem. And then you burned it with a lighter. Jesus. And then you pulled the pin out, and it was just a very narrow hole.

So the shaving chrome would... shaving cream would shoot out, would shoot out. And that's what we did in the 80s. Did your parents know about that? Yeah, it was a thing. They went with you to buy four barbersol cans. They did it in the 90s too. Did they?

Yeah, that was going on. But it was always the naughty older teenagers, and you were like scared. Not normal older teenagers. I was a goody two shoes, you know that. Yeah, this is the problem. Babe, what do you think about revenge? Yeah, well, I was actually, after I read this this morning, I was trying to think of like my little petty refurb.

is that I could admit publicly. You know, because I mean, there's some that I would never share with anybody. Yeah. You know? As a great man once said, some things are better taken to the grave. That was a mafia quote. Also, I like to use my revenge as just inspiration. So I'm like, oh, I didn't even want this, but I know it's going to piss this person off.

and I know I could get it. So I'm going to just put my energy towards that. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I didn't even know I wanted this as my career. Yeah. I've definitely done a few. I just can't. I just can't think of it, you know?

I also do think, though, people that do harm on you hate themselves so much more than you could ever make them feel bad about themselves. So that's, at the end of the day, you're like, oh, like, the fact that you went out your way to try to hurt me, like, that's. that's a problem within you. Yeah. And doing well a lot of the time, like doing well, like in a situation of like professional jealousy and all that shit. Like somebody fucking with you professionally. Just doing well is a good friend's. But I can't think of

my little vengeance. I wish I could... To bring back my tennis days, my dad always used to say talk with your racket. Yeah. So that's kind of how I've been living my life. But your racket is now your mouth. Yeah. So that's true. That's similar to your tennis. this career. Your racket at times was

incredible and other times got you in a lot of trouble. Oh, God. But it's yes, speak with your actions. Speak with your actions. Carry yourself well. Also, I'm sometimes like when someone does something really messed up to you and you don't

react, that is really embarrassing for them. So that's also good. And any prompt that it's suggested on this episode, We'll also be next week's prompt, just so people know. Oh, okay. Because this week we didn't actually do one, and there wasn't a suggestion in last week's episode, but that's a good one.

The link in the description is where you guys can submit answers to this first prompt. So that's one of them, which is revenge. But then there's another one that you're going to like. Do you see the other prompt suggestion? Yeah. Also, if you're driving right now, wait till the end before you do the prompt, stay safe on these streets. As a driver, I know. Yeah, as people who are so into driving safety that they're recording this

pod as they're driving on one of the busiest highways in the summer, 27, heading east, right by the turn for Stony Brook, South Hampton. Thank you, Mr. Ways. Guys, I feel like I'm never seeing the prompts anymore. Are we doing it on the episodes now? I'm so confused, because I listen to the whole thing, but I don't hear the following week's prompts. but I keep an eye out for Salina's story and I never see them. So like, am I just fucking stupid or what?

I don't know. And I, listen, I'm also here to say that I was one of the first people to be in the Spotify comments and I was the one heckling Des about being obsessed with them. And now everybody's running with it and blowing up the Spotify comments. I just want to say, I, was one of the OGs. But anyway, yeah, where the fuck do I find this prompt? Like,

I just want to send something in and give my thoughts. Please. I love this is the one that makes it for her. She's like, this is hilarious though, because there has been a lot of lore about the prompts. First, it was like, well, first, we...

We got accused of using the same person. We got accused of using the same person once that it was like fake, which is hilarious. Grace is way too. busy for that. Then we actually have not put a prompt up the last two weeks. No, no. Oh, yeah, no.

Two weeks ago, yeah, it was on the episode the previous week. But you guys keep listening and you will know. But normally it is on our Instagram stories, but we are liking that for the people who are listening to find it through the pod. Yeah. I mean, I like it being on the pod, yeah, 100%. But sorry, I thought that was, the good news is that. we answered that right before that actually played yeah so the next pod prompt is a silly revenge or

no do we oh yeah sorry you did that but no there's another one that i want you to play and it's something to do with complaining about men okay i have a prompt suggestion and it is things men get away with. And I will happily give you your first submission. Men get away with childlike bathroom etiquette. And when I say this, I mean they don't wash their hands, they don't flush the toilet, and they leave bodily fluids on the toilet seat. That is a child. Why are we just okay with them doing that. I work and I, there is a very public bathroom that the stalls are like, you can hear them from the hallway. And I told my coworkers, I said, hey, when you flush the toilet, when I walk through the hallway and I hear the toilet flush and the door immediately open,

you're telling everyone in this office that you don't wash your hands. Why are we letting men just do these things that children are taught better? So obviously, listen, take it away, Hannah. okay well I'm not gonna name any names however I recently was at someone's a man's house and there was no toilet paper no soap floss just everywhere and then there was no organization to any of like the things in the bathroom it I was like what this is the bare minimum to be able to wash your hands it she's so right and then you were like yeah it's a single guy and then I had to go back in my brain and I did remember

there have been some messed up situations once I went to a guy's place and he had a mouthwash and I was like oh perfect I'm just going to use some mouthwash and I got back to his room and he was like did you use the mouthwash and I was like yeah and he's like it's expired

and I'm like then why the fuck is the mouthwash right there okay but was it a problem I didn't know mouthwash being expired fired was like an issue. I don't know, but he basically was like, it's like five years old. And I was like, okay, cool thing. What? Like, why would you put me in that situation? I think so. But it did taste a little wonky. Oh, did it? It had like a weird foamyness to it. I don't know. It was weird. So I almost

was poisoned. Um, then yeah, men's bathrooms, they never have like toilet paper. Well, the aim, the aim thing is an understandable. Don't get me. It, it looks like you guys go in there with a water gun and just like go off. Then, yeah, it's, but I guess, like, I don't know how hard it is to pee with a penis. So, like, maybe it's really difficult. But then I'll talk to some guys, and they're like, it's not difficult to get it in the toilet. But it's always on the floor somehow. And then, yeah, it's just, it's so true.

Men hate keeping a bathroom nice. It's not our strong point. Why do you think that is? Who knows? I guess we're, there's some, some, innate thing in us that doesn't put it

in a high priority position. I dated a guy once who had like 400 shampoo bottles. You dated other men? Yeah. Yeah, 400 shampoo bottles and I was like, this is...

Oh, the shampoo bottle, yeah. See, when I bring up... I've been guilty of that. Yeah. I've been guilty of like the empty shampoo. Because you know what happens is eventually they're all empty

and then you start like filling them up with water and shaking them and trying to get that last... I get that, but I love throwing away a shampoo bottle. I'm like, get rid of this huge piece of trash that's now wasteful. Also, for some reason, I like, I love getting new shampoo. I love getting a bottle of suave that will last me five years. I know. Swap. These fucking bottles, when they fall in the shower, you're like,

what the hell happens? Just a swab. Just a swab. Just a five-gallon swab. It's like... They don't come in small packages. Swap doesn't do small, man. Yeah. How old were you when you realize suave was not fancy? Swab sounds so fancy. Two dollars for two leaders. I'm not speaking ill of swath. No, we love swab. We love swab.

If suave is listening, don't think we're talking trash on you. But just like, suave just sounds suave. And it's really like, I guess not. I also, what I love to do is when, I don't know if men know this, if any men are listening to the pod, when women go to your bathroom if you have a razor we will use it to just like

edit our pubs what we'll shave our pubs with your razor oh yeah that never bought I don't care about that yeah it always felt naughty though

because I'm like he definitely uses this on his face yeah and it's like if you're gonna use my toothbrush like just don't let me know that's the way I feel about that you know it's like if I know you use

and by the way I don't care I think I'd rather use my... You're French kissing. I'd rather use my finger than a random guy's toothbrush. Yeah. That an ex-girlfriend peed on because she's mad at him. You know? So like, what's the big deal?

But at the same time, it's just like, I'd rather not know. I don't really care that you did it, but I'd just rather not know. True. What you don't know doesn't hurt you, you know? Yeah. I mean, you're so right. Like, you guys are doing insanely graphic things to each other. And then it's like...

But it's more... I don't want your feces around. Oh, well, what are you talking about? When is the feces showing up? I don't know, but it's just, I sense it. Also, when guys used to have roommates, that was chaos. Oh, that was chaos. With one bathroom, oh, God.

Oh, Lordy. I think, and then the group, but that's why it's nice whenever a roommate got a girlfriend, then she would start nesting. Next thing, you know, there'd be candles around. There'd be a diffuser. there'd be a humidifier. Yeah, but can we, you know, can we admit that sometimes the candles are, it's too much?

Like, it literally makes me want to puke sometimes. See, I like the candles. I just, sometimes the, sometimes the fragrance is too strong. It's the same with Cologne. Do you know what I hate when there's like one towel? And I'm like, so everyone uses this towel to like wipe their balls, wipe their hands, wipe their face. It's just, there's a system that you're like, ugh, ew.

um i have a question okay when you used to date other people did were you aware of their pooping methods like their pooping methods yeah like when they had to go to your bathroom were you ever like oh were they pooping right now i i don't even like i don't i didn't i don't care well you like you know what i like because that's a number one thing the girls are thinking about yeah but it's just like so like Everybody poops, man. And we've talked about this a lot. I know.

Some girls have matches with them. Everybody poops. I think I sing that every time we bring this up. Yeah. Sometimes. You know, I don't have to... Hey, guys, you know, I love telling you about hero bread. But now I'm not just telling you about hero bread.

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blouses just for going to work. And it's a one-stop shop. Keep it classy and cozy this fall with long-lasting stables from Quince. Go to quince.com for free shipping in your order and 365-day return. That's QI-N-C.com slash burn to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash burn. Speaking of poop. Okay, this is just to tag on to this week's But I wanted to mention about hemorrhoids does that's nothing to be ashamed of I'm 38 and I have hemorrhoids and I made a video on TikTok about it telling people that the over the counter creams they didn't work for me castor oil and like a little vitamin E oil that works like a charm and you wouldn't believe the amount of people in my common section. They are very, very common and very uncomfortable. So you're in good company. Don't worry. It doesn't make you any older you're still you're still a young buck um Hannah I hope that you never have to experience hemorrhoids um sorry for I feel like I'm talking about it too long now okay thanks bye they it was just a little update you're not you're not talking about too long at all

thank you for your wisdom we love naturopathic methods I actually have I bought castor oil because it was like a trend where girls were putting it in their belly button before they went to sleep and it was supposed to like detox you or like make you less bloated or something but obviously I've never used it once. So there is castor oil if you need it for your butthole. I feel like

certain trends and I'm not going to say whether they're work or not but apple cider vinegar really had a moment. Oh yeah. My mother somebody told my mother years ago about apple cider vinegar and she was fucking she was using it for everything. You know that the other thing was cooking with coconut

cooking with coconut oil. Yes. And And also, do you remember when people were putting, like, sticks of butter in their coffee and calling it, like, bullet coffee, that was a real trend? That was a weird one, actually. It is, trends are so funny, too, because then you'll see, like, the coolest company, like, launch, like, bulletproof coffee. And you're like, oh, my God, they're going to take over the world. And then in a year, you're, like, forgot that it was even a thing. Yeah, that was, that was, that was, that was, during, like, 2017, 2018, actually, that'd be a good prompt to, like, crazy trends back in the day. But, babe, we have to keep them focused.

I know, but just remember that one for the future. That's not next week's prompt. Next week is revenge. Revenge and one that, and the men's, the one. So you like having two and up? Well, just because they're there. Okay. You know?

Okay. So next week we got revenge and we got things men get away with. Yes. And the following week, silly trends. Well, yeah. We'll see about that. We'll see what happens next week. We'll talk that through.

We're all doing logistics together. A lot of admin. happening right now um yeah oh my god the like the thing with the oils and stuff all of it i just some people will like put on a moisturizer and be like oh my god this moisturizers amazing and i'm like how do you know like because it like what like clearly you can't see any like nothing's changed in in you or outside of you yeah um but i think some people want to believe so it like it makes it good i guess you know A lot of it has to do with what people want to believe, you know?

Since we're in a car, let's do this one. Hey, Hannah, Indez. I am doing a two-for-one callback here. I know since Hannah got her license recently, there's been a lot of traffic calls. And 100%, if you are not a cop, you do not control the speed in the left lane. So move over or go faster.

But my number one, like, top callback here, again, still involves driving. things that are not illegal that should be those kiki-tacky horrible license light brains that have like 800 gems and jewels and bedazzles on them and it's always on like a 16-year-old girl's like beat-to-crap Camry or like some crazy rich old lady's Cadillac. Why? Have you been doing 80 on the interstate and the sunlight hits one of those license light frames and all of a sudden you are blinded by the light refracting into your eyeballs? they should be illegal. Thanks.

Bye. That's the energy we're looking for. That's the energy we're looking for, people. That was perfect on your level. That was whispering to Des. To be honest, her phone couldn't handle it. Her phone, yeah. She blew the mic on her phone.

Wait, but that's so true. The rhinestones can actually be a safety hazard. Yes. We're not going to say who sent it to you, but you actually got sent one. I did get sent to rent someone, and I really wanted to put it on. a car and Des was like no or not and I was like give me here and then now I know that's good because I don't want to

blind someone behind me and then I get you know what's it called rear-ended yeah well good choice of words so yeah I mean I they don't bother me as much as this woman I didn't want you to get the rhinestone one more because like it wasn't the vibe and I would be driving the car

sometimes and like that's not my you know that's not my vibe you know it's not my aesthetic yeah but real men can have a car with rhinestones on it's not about whether it's a real man or not it's people with taste versus people without oh wow that's that's what it's about but sometimes it's ironic it's like oh you think i'm bad taste but i'm actually just like on the internet it's it's very hard to get across irony without people seeing you and hearing you at the

same time irony often gets lost in translation i can assure you And isn't that sad? Isn't that sad? Isn't that the cause of so many problems in the world today? So sad. The nuances. The nuances of this life. It is funny because I remember when texting began, I'm speaking like a literal dinosaur.

But we realize, like, people can't tell your tone. And now that's, like, primarily how people communicate is just through. I know. And I actually, as we've discussed before, I get a hard time from younger people who, like, I get annoyed at my inability. to express the right tone through emojis and different things. Well, you love a period, which is...

Yeah, I know, we've discussed... We don't have to... Which is violence. I get it. Yeah, I get it. Punctuation. Which is violence. You can't use correct. Just millennia of punctuation just suddenly becomes a problem.

So, anyway, great, great suggestion. And I'm really not a huge fan of a lot of automobile modifications. What do you think about a custom license plate like like hot hot wheels with a z yeah i'm i'm not a huge fan i have a friend that has a number one grandpa but it was just gpa so for a long time i thought he was like

showing off about his daughter's great point average oh and then i was like why do you have number one GPA and he was like oh it's number one grandpa so i just get impressed that when i see someone have like Molly 1, 2, 3. I'm like, oh my God, they got it. Like, because it's competitive in these streets. It's like a username. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

I remember the day in the early days you know, Des Bishop, I was always, I was always the first one but as the years have gone on. You know, on TikTok, I'm Des Bishop 5. Wow. Yeah.

And on YouTube, I'm Des Bishop Comedy. But I got Des Bishop for Twitter and for Instagram and for Facebook. Well, it's funny, now whenever a new app comes around, which is often, it's like, I guess you're supposed to get your username. But there's just too much going on in the world. Yeah, like what new one has stuck, though? It's been a while. Remember, what was that the one that was supposed to stick to?

Blue sky, which I did get, actually. That was the most recent one. That was because of Elon Musk's takeover of X. Because we're trying to make Lemon 8 a thing. Oh, I don't know about that. Do you remember what was the one during the pandemic that was good for a day? Rooms or what was it? Oh, yeah, the live.

What was it again? Oh, my God, I forgot the name. For a second, it was like, you got to get on this. People will, like, go viral in the beginning on it. And then they're, like, ready to, like, move to L.A. and change their whole life. And then, like, the app, nothing happens with the app. Yeah, I forgot what that was called. It was like conference.

I remember someone being like, yeah, they're really huge on, whatever. and someone asked me to do like a live show on it because they were like they're huge on it that was that one it was that was like a moment in time with that during the pandemic and that and then it disappeared well it was like live radio kind of all right let's do another what else do we got i can't even remember what i put on here um oh hi hannah and des this has nothing to do with a prompt but i felt like i needed to throw this out there for you guys i know you are super busy on tour with comedy shows. You're going all over the world, all over the country. I hope that you guys make it to the Saratoga Albany area again soon. But anyway, my idea was that I feel like you guys can

bring burner phone on its own podcast tour. I feel like you guys could do live show burner phone. You know, you could put a prompt on the screen while you guys are chatting and laughing about it. Your audience members can be thinking of their stories. You go around with a microphone, we share. I feel like you guys could have like an hour, an hour and a half show with like three or four prompts and bring burner phone to a live audience near you. What do you guys think? I would love to hear it and hopefully you guys put it into action one day. So us with our agent.

Great suggestion. Our agent submitting. Well, you know what I liked about this is that I've put a lot of thought into how it would work. And that's definitely one of the ways is you put up the prompt and then people think about their stories. And was she suggesting they come up on stage and say the story? She said like we run around with our mic. Oh, run around with the mic. That's right.

She, yes. Which I thought was a good suggestion. Yeah, it could be funny to throw one of us in the crowd or Chris. Yeah. What other ideas have you had? I was thinking that we would get people to submit in advance, but that you had to have a ticket. Like, so we would create like a thing on the ticket that. So because basically you want the people who are submitting to be in the room.

Yeah. but I'm also aware that you know like you have to be way more extroverted than leaving a voice message on your phone to be able to get there and we don't want the shy people to be left out

yeah but that's what I mean so that's why to be there publicly speaking is more of a thing and we look and also obviously there's no anonymity right yeah you're right you're right telling a story so maybe it could be a mix of both because it is fun to get

like the live stuff However, with Giggly Squad, we'll do a Q&A at the end a lot of the time. And let's be honest, it's the girls have been there for two hours. They're hammered at that point. Yeah. And some of the question's great. Some of them, they forget the story. Yeah.

They go on a long rant. They're not sure where it's going to go. They're just too excited to be talking to you guys. They, yeah, they're talking for their friend who doesn't want them to tell a story. Their friend's embarrassed. So, like, it's live. Anything can happen, which is, you know, funny. But occasionally you get someone way too drunk.

But I've been getting better at picking people based on their eyes. I'm like, can they hold eye contact? And if they can't, I'm like, she's wasted. Yeah, but I don't think we would encounter that as much at Burnaphone because there would be like a bit of a structure to it. But that's always the fear, right? That somebody's like too drunk or, you know, but what I would love to achieve at a live show if we ever do it

is the ability to have back and forth that we don't have on the actual the podcast I mean I could see it when me and you were like maybe developing a new hour where we go and we both do like

20 minutes and then we do like burner phone type stuff together yeah I mean it just so happens that we are both currently

developing a new hour well I'm but I'm already taking mine on the road you're on the road on the road um by the way I'm going to be in Oakland

and also oh yeah Norfolk Virginia what date are you in Oakland by the way Sunday Oh. In a week. Make sure to let them know that in two weeks' time, I'm in San Francisco.

I'm in San Francisco on September 11th to 13th. Yeah. And, but I am in Vancouver and Sacramento, but those are sold out, y'all. But Oakland has tickets. Norfolk, Virginia is near, I think it's near like Chesapeake. I was looking at it. I'm in some places that are like close to things. It's near Richmond, but I am already going to Richmond. Anyway, look, this, you learn about, we learn about, we learn about. about America. America. America on this pod.

Okay, we have another one. Just a real quick thought. What the fuck is the phonetic alphabet? And why weren't we taught that in school? Makes things really embarrassing when you're trying to think of names for words because for some reason on the phone it's just impossible to think of anything. I just watched a TikTok of a dermatologist telling a girl that she had some type of of bacteria and it started with the P and the girl said P is in pork

reminded me of a time that somebody said M is in Mama on the phone with me during a serious conversation with the doctor. M is not Mama. It is for Mike but apparently P is Papa.

Some other notable ones is F is Box Trot I is India just who created these I just I really need to know who who created these and that's it thank you very much I didn't know that there was a phonetic alphabet no but I thought the phonetic alphabet was when it's like ah be like like it's when you're on the phone and someone's like say your last name and they're like be as in boy yeah but is that actually the

phonetic alphabet I didn't know that they were like right and wrong words to use well I did know that but I know I don't know the words so I often get afraid to say like see as in cat but I don't know if I still don't know if that's the word well it's so funny because I do burner and it's always really hard because B is for boy I always do B as in boy they can't hear the N or the M oh right so and I don't I just am like N and then I just hope they get it I'm not thinking so what is N and N for what knee no one just kidding I'm just kidding and for no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, n is in hell, nah. N is in, no, no, thank you.

Well, and is a no? Is it N is no? So sometimes I'm afraid. It could be mo. Yeah, I guess it's to make sure the word, the word doesn't sound like the other letter it sounds like. Yeah, well, B and D are biggies. Yeah, well, B, it's funny when I was, like, during reality TV, like, especially when there was, like, drama and stuff, people would always go, B for Bravo they always say Bravo and I was always like okay But maybe it is is it B for Boy or B for Bravo? It's Bravo Oh it actually is B for Bravo

Yeah Oh yeah that's like because I feel like it It has to be a word that you can't think it's another word like boy could be toy Right so B for Bravo B for B for C for C for C for Cat right? I have no idea I have no idea I didn't know this was a thing What's D what's D for? Duck

Is it? No I have no idea I have no idea now I'm really stressed because I realize I've probably done this wrong many times. E for what? Babe, I don't know. E for extra? We have to Google it. I know, we have to Google, but we can't Google because I'm driving. All I know is B for Bravo.

Because I think I'd be like Burner and they'd be like B isn't Bravo and I go, yes, thank you. Yeah, I was fired. It happened all the time. Trigger. Trigger. Trigger. Trigger. But anyway, no, I thought the phonetic alphabet was, you know, because my friend's kids,

like they were learning through phonics and suddenly they're like doing the alphabet and they're like, Abacca, duh. I'm like, what? Yeah, that's a whole... That was like a whole, like, educational era that I missed completely. It does make me worry that by the time

if we have kids in elementary school, the basic stuff, will be so different that it's going to seem like we don't know the alphabet. Well, I have it on some sources that a lot of the evolutions of education have turned out to not work. And that actually a lot of the old school stuff turned out to be more effective. But don't quote me on that because I know I sound like I'm fucking boomer.

But I do believe, I'm not going to name my sources, but I definitely have some sources that there was some educational experiments around sort of like, you know, letting different kids learn in different ways that ended up being like actually counterproductive. You have a really funny joke about math in your upcoming hour. but I'm not going to... What's my math joke again? About multiplication. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, but that's... I don't mind saying that on the thing.

It's really funny. No, because I'm making a joke basically where I'm sticking up for the young people with the old people complaining about the young people and technology and how they don't... There's like loads of skills they don't have because of technology. That's the essence of it.

And then I say, yeah, but they don't need those skills because the technology exists. You think we're better because we're from that generation? I'm from the generation where our teachers were like, hey, you can't use a calculator on the math test because you won't always have a calculator on you. And they were wrong, because I'm performing in full belt in the show,

but they were wrong. And I remember many times being told, no, you can't use a calculator. And so my joke is basically that we didn't need to know multiplication, that it was a waste of learning. And I stand to that. You didn't say the best part. Oh, we didn't, what? 12.

Yeah, we didn't need to know 12 times 12, yeah. That it only goes up to, 12. Oh, yeah, no, who decided? By the way, I say, by the way, who decided that 12 was the limit of human memorization, which, you know, it goes actually, there's two versions I've heard. One is that in the old British system, 12 was important in terms of like, you know, they used to do pounds and a farthing and all this shit. But then apparently, it goes back to the ancient Sumerians who don't get enough credit in historical evolution. Shout out to the Sumerians. Apparently, the ancient Sumerians, everything was 12. Like, like, the ancient Sumerians. Because in fairness, there is a dozen. Like, 12, 12 is not exactly... Yeah, it's not exactly a number that's not obvious. But it is so funny that after 12, they're like, we're good. Yeah, so 12 times 12, 144.

That's it. No further. 13 by 12, we don't have to know. But then... But then my joke, my one slightly sort of dealing with stereotypes, I say, in America, we stop at 12. Maybe in Asia, they can go to 13. They seem to be better at this. But anyway.

Oh, my God. You guys, thank you so much for listening to another episode of Burner Phone. Des, plug your shows. Yeah, I'm in, well, San Francisco, as I said, I'm in Nashville after that, Atlanta, Syracuse. I'm in Portland and Seattle in December. I'm in Ireland in November. Some of those gigs are sold out already, but Tala, I think, has tickets and Trim, County Meath. And that'll be my I'm Now 50 tour.

That is immediately after I turned 50. Oh, wow. Yeah. So that'll be, I can't deny that I'm not. middle age anymore tour second half please god as they say in Ireland PG so anyway thanks for calling in you guys we love you and we'll talk to you soon bye bye