Berner Phone - Berner Phone #107: The Art of Gentle Revenge

Episode Date: September 8, 2025

Revenge is an art and the dialers may have mastered it. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialies. It's mom and dad. And I had a very rare Instagram post of me and you at a Bumble event. Oh, is that how we're starting? I just had to shout it out

because there's a bunch of people that are like, oh my God, I forgot you were married or oh my God, you're married and then all the little dialers are like, hi mom and dad Yeah, but this is the thing sometimes people are like, are they stuck together? It's like, we do this every week

but we're also not one of these couples that's like all the time posting our relationship. Well, you know, Bobby Lee and Kalila broke up and continued their pod so whoa that wasn't that wasn't even close to what i was thinking about i know i'm just saying i'm just saying um so i'm currently in san francisco looking at the bay wonderful i'm in our apartment looking at the mess

we could go on and on but i love being in hotel rooms i feel so clean right now So clean, man. Like I came back. They fold all the clothes. We're not going to get to too much details, but we are heading towards a renovation in our apartment. And as a result, it's messier than normal. There's a buildup of stuff. Let's just say there's an organization company that will be in effect.

Or they might come in and be like, this is above a big grade. It's a lost cause. They'd be like, actually burn the place down. let's burn this place to the ground so when we do like a clean which is once every seven years and we've only known each other for five for five um des calls it a ruthless coal the cicadas the cicadas in our apartment come out together um so i'm in san francisco i went to palates this morning i went thrifting i didn't plan on buying anything ended up buying a lot of things because everything was...

What, Hannah? We have no space for anything. What are you doing? There are all these cute, like, $25 fall tops that I was like, it's sustainable. Like, I have to get it. I literally said to you yesterday, you have to donate 80% of your clothes.

Why are you buying other previously donated clothes? Because I have a vision for fall. Wrong way traffic. I know. No, actually. And I don't think I can even fit it in my carry-on. So we'll deal with that tomorrow. morning. Oh my God. This is what happens when Hannah's left to her own devices. Also, the US Open just

finished, so I'm kind of depressed. Why? Because it was so fun. Oh, I know, having it around. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like the end of a, of a holiday fling. It, you know, leaves a hole in your soul. You finished a good book and you're like, what did I do before this book? Yeah, it's like the end of Severn's season two. Oh, my God. So I just wake up and like, what do I do without it? What do I do? Watch some crappy tournament in South America. Yes, that's what I will be doing.

I can't wait, actually. Because you see all these people making like $5 million winning the open. I'm like, I want to see the people that are about to lose $500 playing a tournament. Michael Costa actually had a funny interview with Pat McEnroe. You don't know Michael Costa. He's a comedian on The Daily Show, former player. and they were joking and Patrick McEnroe was like

I'm sorry I don't know who you are and Costa was like I was ranked 800 in the world in four years I made $11,000 have you not heard about me? Hello? I wrote a book about it called Lucky Loser Available now on Amazon.

Shout out Costa, we love you. Got up Michael Costa. I'm very excited for the prompts today. Yeah so big big prompt reaction And it all came, well, you know, it all came from, you know, it all came through last week. And, you know, so the two things were suggestions that came last week were petty revenge. And the other one was like things that men get away with that women don't, I think, or something to that effect.

I'm locked in. I have to tell you that I didn't put in any of the toothbrush ones, but 50% of these were. people cleaning a toilet with usually a boyfriend that cheated on them or somebody who fucked with them's toothbrush. It would make you paranoid to brush your teeth ever again, this prompt. That makes me think like should someone start

a toothbrush company that involves like a journal how you would lock it, like a toothbrush that you have to... Well, yeah, they just have to put it like one of those... Yeah, or like one of the trackers that like if your toothbrush gets moved when you're not using it, that you get like an alert on your phone. I feel like that would fly on TikTok shop. They'd be like, are you worried that your ex is going to use your toothbrush in the toilet? Buy this

for $72. Yes. And that's a good. That's a good TikTok influencer voice. And it comes in a lot of colors. I'm obsessed with this one. It's really been amazing. My favorite is when they use generic words to describe it. What is what is your opinion just out of curiosity on that voice? the affected voice. It's very common, particularly in your generation and below, and I don't understand it. Well, I think it's just culture. Like when you consume content where people are talking a type of way, it becomes a thing. I do think a lot of girls don't realize that they don't have to talk like that. But it's nerve-wracking posting online. And I think what's sad about the algorithm online is people inherently want to fit in.

So it's like a cool girl is like, hey guys, this is my day in the life. Get ready with me. Then when other people do it, they're going to naturally like gravitate towards that. I mean, I know I'm showing my, my sex and my age, but like, and I'm not going to name anybody, but it's, it's artificial, right? Yeah, well, but it's funny because then there's like the Valley Girl California accent, like a lot of girls from California will sound just like the Kardashians like they'll be like oh my god like I'm so excited I don't know they have like a accent because they're L.A.

Well the valley yeah the valley girl accent was like that's like a thing that's been around since the dawn of time but it's almost like this valley girl accent is now like because of the internet become more and then also there is I guess they think there's like a sexiness to like having a vocal frie having a weak voice like you're like I'm so weak. Anyway, I didn't want to dwell on that I was just kind of curious No, it's interesting, but like one of my favorite stories is that Paris Hilton's voice, it sounds like mine

Like her real voice. In real life? Yeah, she has like a low voice. I mean, my voice isn't low, but like if we have a similar voice Yeah, we need to hear, we need to go ahead When the camera's on her, she's like, that's hot. Yeah, we need to hear that Paris Hilton playing pickleball.

You know, I feel like, you know, playing sports, where you hear people's real accents. Yours! Yours, duck. I got it. She's like, I can't wait to play. And then on the thing, she's like, that was out. Pickable's so hot.

Are you kidding me? Why'd you peg it at me? So, actually, just a couple of quick updates from last week. This had a big reaction. Hi, mom and dad just came here to say Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Fox Trot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, T-U, uniform, Victor, whiskey, Yankee, X-ray, Zulu. I might have got those confused, but also, I'm from Canada, so sorry if they're different for you, but the more you know, love you. Yeah, I had no idea how many people knew this

phonetic alphabet. How do you learn it? Some people get taught it. I never forgot an invite. Yeah, somebody got dads in the military or, but a lot of response to the phonetic alphabet. So now we know. I've already forgotten. That's a flex. That's something I, if I do.

By the way, isn't it amazing, isn't it amazing despite all the years of knowing the alphabet that sometimes you have to go through the alphabet to know what comes after a letter? There's nothing more humbling. You know, you're like, T, you, oh yeah. You just have to do that sometimes. Give me 10 seconds.

I'll get you this. Yeah. Do you think you could say the alphabet backwards? Look, I'm just trying to survive right now. No, I'm just curious. I don't think I could. No. Not quick.

I'm also like a visual person, so I would have to like visually see it. Yeah, that's crazy. Mississippi, though, I can do forward and backward very quickly. Is that what they do when you're drunk, like, when you're drunk on the side of the road? And they're like, say the alphabet backwards and you're like, I can't do that sober. Yeah, I guess I have a DUI. Give me the DUI. Give me the DUI.

Okay. And what? Oh, go ahead. I was going to say I just feel like that's a party trick. Like if I got drunk, that's what I would do if I could do it. I also, wait, really quick, I want to make an apology. I've been promoting my show coming up in Norfolk. I think it's Norfolk, Virginia.

Or someone who was fucking with me. But they said it's not Norfolk. It's Norfolk. It's Norfolk. Norfolk, Virginia. Norfolk. Is that like Irish? Norfolk.

Norfolk. Just the way you say. Norfolk. I was saying Norfolk because it's F-O-L-K, Norfolk. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, I'm pretty sure it's... Norfolk, yeah.

Norfolk. Okay, anyway, I will be in Norfolk. I never heard the fuck in it until you pointed it out. September 20th, get tickets. Norfolk. I mean, it was originally... It's a British county.

Norfolk? Norfolk. Like Suffolk? Norfolk. Norfolk. Norfolk. No fuck. No fuck.

I don't no fuck's given no fucks yeah um so uh this also came in just a quick update from the last episode guys tell me it's suave and not swab this is the first time i'm hearing this shampoo called suave is my whole life a lie suave i've always called it suave and i'm just now hearing it suave

what okay let's be honest it's a 499 body wash it's suave it's suave it's not suave suave it sounds like it's a hundred RICO is RICO

Savae. Yeah, because RICO Savae is expensive. Suave is suave. Suave. I mean, look, is it Targe? Is it Target?

It depends. It's Target. That one's not controversial. I feel like suave has to have an asterix on the E, right? Or an accent? Sorry, accent. Not like Suave asterix.

Go down to the footnote. may be pronounced suave this podcast is sponsored by suave aka suave suave i don't know what the do i i assume there must be like if i was in the bathroom and someone was like past the suave i'd be like who if you're in the bathroom and somebody else

saying pass the suave i think things would be going pretty well in your life also i do like that um she's romanticizing her life that's an example of a romantic size of your life by a 499 body wash and be like this is my suave I use it

I mean I was quite old I was quite old when I discovered hyperbole was not hyperbole was not hyperbole I gotta be honest I gotta out myself on that one I was mispronouncing that one

that's not that dumb I've heard way dumber yeah the fact you even know what a hyperbole is is we're ready hyperbole great word

but I was definitely mispronouncing it until way later in my life. This is such an educational podcast compared to Giggly Squad. In what sense? Because Ghibli Squad, we just give false information. Yeah, I actually, I did see something kind of funny, even though it was from people that I have disappointed me, so I won't mention them, but there are some male podsters that I feel are on the grift. But anyway, somebody on this pod was like,

did I say that? You know, was that information correct? And the other one was like, no, welcome to the podcast era. You say it confidently and it's correct. Well, we just say like we don't know and we'll never know because that's not what the pod's about. It's about giggling, you know. But this one, we're actually getting to the bottom of things. Yeah, and this is, yeah, and this is user-generated content.

So we have to, you know, we have to sort of- Yeah, to fact-checked ourselves and fact-check other people. I told Paige that you told me that Burner Phone is different from Giggly Squad because it's where you hold me accountable. No, I didn't say that. I think somebody, that was a Spotify comment. I didn't say, I didn't say that. Oh, I thought you did. She was like, okay, fighting words.

No, no. But Gagley Squad, we do argue. Like, we hold each other. But, like, I wouldn't say it's holding each other accountable. It's more just disagreeing and then giving up because we don't have enough evidence to have any real argument. Yeah. This is, you know, but we're trying to get, you know, a little bit deeper into the information. You guys, you guys, listen, there's no point in comparing.

There are two different things. So let's get into it. So two different prompts that came from the podcast last week. We never posted a prompt. So let's, this is wild. This is a revenge one. So I just literally had to type the website in because you can't click on it on your description. but hi Hannah and does love you guys love page um this is for the petty things um you did to an x

so in 2020 my ex well my boyfriend then of eight years decided he wanted to break up with me because word for word he wanted to stick his dick and someone else um so i move out and I had some of his like teeth whitening trays that he wanted back and unbeknownst to him I had COVID at the time so I licked the mouth trays coughed in the bag and gave them back to him a couple days later bitch has COVID that was amazing okay I love you guys

I'm pretty sure that's a crime but it's hilarious that was like that was one of the more sinister ones honestly that was dark that was fucking dark but hilarious though yeah COVID was we all because he was after eight years he said I want to stick my dick in someone what I mean I don't understand what in his head made him feel like that was the proper makeup line um whatever I was like stick your dick in some warm bread pudding and like leave people alone anyway yeah no well I thought that was pretty funny also like that's so I like if I wasn't sure about the relationship and he said that I'd be like well thank you thank you yeah I'm like what are you gonna try to marry me and be like I actually

want to stick my dick in you for the rest of my life yeah but also it's just if you're gonna be that much of a dick just like let your trades go bro like but can you this there's so much between the lines about this guy like the fact that he's that fucking vain and also that selfish that he would say that to her first but then care about his fucking teeth whitening trays i actually the more i think about it giggly coded i'm going to be so honest he wants to put his dick in a butt that's what he was trying to tell you you took the words out of my mouth he's trying to like there's no straight guy Like, there are straight guys who, they might whiten their teeth like accidentally or like their girlfriend made them.

But none of them would move and be like, oh no, I can't go on without my teeth whitening tray. Anyway, you dodged a bullet there. He dodged a bullet. But thank God he didn't die from COVID. That would have been, that would have been, that would have, that would have, you might have lost the moral high ground. You might have lost the moral high ground had he died. So. Okay.

this is a you know men annoying thing okay men get away with a lot of shit but the number one thing that drives me crazy that men maybe not the number one thing but one of the things that drives to be crazy is how much men eat and no one ever says a fucking thing about it like a woman will eat a shit ton of food and someone will always make a comment someone will always have an opinion my boyfriend ate 11 brownies after dinner on a Wednesday night

no special occasion no nothing that was just his dessert 11 brownies and I didn't say anything while I'm saying something now because if I did that someone would be saying something

and I just think that's crazy yeah there is a double standard unless you grew up in my house my mom does yell at my dad when he does insane stuff like that because that's something he would do but she does it out of love like she wants him to live longer so she'll be like Danny can you not eat 10 pieces of cake or like the whole charcutory board's gone and she's like why are you not saving for dinner

but that's their own fun flirty banter as a married couple no whenever I finish a plate at a restaurant which is 100% of the time there's always some common like someone was hungry and I'm like, yeah, I'm a fucking pig. Like, what do you want me to say? Yeah, I mean, my parents both made comments when we ate a lot. You know, my dad was like, you're going to end up as big as a house. But you guys were growing boys. Yeah, we were growing boys and we were quite thin,

but they definitely instilled paranoia, which is why still to this day, myself and your grandmother have the great connection of always hating ourselves after we finish dinner. Yeah, your grandmother's always like, oh, I feel so fat. And I'm like, amen, sister. Me and you shouldn't have had that one extra tortellini. Meanwhile, Hannah's there fucking button open being like, that was great.

Hannah and her dad high-fiving. Me and your grandmother in shame. When I was younger, I like couldn't wait to be pregnant because someone told me that you eat twice as much. And I was like, I can't wait to be pregnant. And my mom was like, you actually shouldn't eat really bad when you're pregnant. And I'm like, I think I'm eating for two people. Yeah.

Well, I do think that if you overly pick out during pregnancy, I do think it's harder to lose the weight afterwards. But do not quote me on that because that is a statement that really has been unrearched. So don't quote me on that. But also, I feel like this is also, I could be biased. just because I'm a woman, but I feel like also when women say no to something, like if you get offered something to eat and you say no, it's always like, oh, are you on a diet?

Yeah. Oh, you're not, oh, you're not eating. Oh. Oh. And it's like, no, I actually don't want, I'm not, I don't want salmon. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think it's, I think it's a fair double standard. You know, women, they get, they get judged on what they eat.

Let's take another one. what you're very radio dj right now well you know what it is because i got a the way we're doing it today is a little different to normal so i have to and i made that probably the dumb mistake of i picked so many and now i i have to sort of choose on the fly not to give the dialers too much background information yeah i'm like this is admin they don't need to know yeah also the funny thing is that so many people complain about not being able to find the prompt and it's like yeah but like if it was that much easier to find the prompt, like there's so many that come in.

I don't think people realize how many come in, like a lot. So there's a lot to go through, you know? So I don't know if I really want the prompt to be that much more available. I think it's pretty obvious that Hannah and I struggle with the cooking. That's why we love cook unity,

because we could never get that level of quality and just flavor into our cooking routine. I mean, we could, but we don't want to put in the effort, and we're not organized enough. So whether you live to eat or eat to live, or you're like me and Hannah, you're just damn lazy, let cook unity fuel your day with fresh flavors crafted by renowned chefs. They have a massive venue of over 300 small batch meals that are tailored to your lifestyle, dietary needs, and cravings. Get fresh, not frozen, ready to eat meals. delivered directly to your door by going to cookunity.com

slash burn free or enter quote burn free before checkout for free premium meals for life. What did I check out? Lately, I tried the Haitian vegetable stew with fried plantains and rice and beans made by the wonderful chef, Vanessa Cantave. I mean, let's face, me and Hannah, we're not making Haitian food. and I love trying food from all over the world. It's one of my favorite things to do. I'm a well-traveled guy, but I'm too lazy to actually bring some of those flavors back into my life.

Thanks to Cook Unity, I've been able to do that. You guys can do it too. No cooking, no shopping, or thinking about how to get the nutrition you need every week. So go to cookunity.com slash burn-free or enter code burn-free before checkout for free premium meals for life. That's free premium meals for life by using code burn free, B-E-R-N-free, or go to cookunity, unity, cookunity.com slash burn-free.

Boy, how I love telling you guys about Hewle. And I hope some of you guys have been trying out Hewell because it's my favorite drink, my favorite 40 grams of plant-based protein and 27 essential vitamins and minerals or vitamins and minerals, depending on where you're from. Because, you know, I've been telling you about Hewell Black Edition, shake that bad boy up and just nutritionize myself. Yeah, I made up a word. But they've also got a new product.

Just when you thought Hewell had everything covered, they've dropped a new, first of its kind, Super Greens drink in a can. It's called Hewell Daily Greens, Ready to Drink. forget powder, forget pills. This is your daily greens, sparkling, refreshing, and ready whenever you are. I'm obsessed with this new product, and I can't wait to add it to my daily mix. There's super healthy products from Huell.

No mixing, no mess, quick and convenient without compromising nutrients. It's sparkling and comes in flavors like blueberry, apple, and peach that are actually delicious. 42 vitamins, minerals, and superfoods. Only 25 calories, 4 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar. made by dieticians. So together, Hewell makes healthy eating simple. Try both today. That's Hewell Black Edition and the Super Greens drinking a can. Hewell Daily Greens ready to drink. Try both today with 15% off your new purchases for new customers with our exclusive code, burn at Hewil.com. H-U-E-L-com slash burn, B-E-R-N. Use our code and fill out the post-checkout survey to help support

the show. Okay. This one comes in from South. Africa. Hey Hannah. Hey, Des. Dialing in from South Africa for the first time. This is, I guess you can say what a 60-year-old white men can get away with saying. Can I say that? And it's my gynecologist. I was at my 37 weeks appointment and he had to do an internal exam to check the cervix and everything to make sure I'm not close to labor. And it's always awkward. Your husband is there. And he's doing an internal exam, and he proceeds to look me in the eyes and say, well, excuse me. And then he enters. And then afterwards, he just looks at my husband.

He's like, you know how it is at this point in pregnancy. I have to move all of the cobwebs out of the way. So luckily, we have a sense of humor, and my husband nearly fell off the chair laughing. And then the guy, and he just says, the more you laugh, the truer it is. Oh, my God. That's terrible. The more you love, the what? The more you laugh, the truer it is.

Oh, the more you laugh. Did you hear the joke? And he said, I'm removing the cobwebs. He says, you know, at this point in pregnancy, you have to remove the cobwebs out of the way. Yeah. Yeah. It's...

I've heard stories about the male gynos, but that's like a bad one. Well, that was the first mistake. You don't go to a male guy now. It's funny because I'll, like, when I'm getting a massage, I definitely prefer a woman but if I get a man like it's fine

it's more like you don't want to get a hot man because you don't you want to just be like not spacing out not like being like are we on our third date but you don't want to get a fucking 60 year old old deal being like oh someone's been working on their glutes you know you don't want to

like that's that was a bad one I feel like 60 year old masseuse guys they've been through it they've seen a lot and they're just gynecologist. This is like right into the stereotype of like, I will 100% always pick a female gynecologist because that means that this man studied to be a doctor and had a decision to go into a certain field and chose that field. That's creepy. It's funny the way she goes,

the 60 year old white men can get away with, can I say that? It's like that's that's kind of like the one group that you can say anything about. Like, I'm not saying that's good or bad. I'm just saying that not a lot of people are getting canceled for making fun of 60-year-old white dudes. It also sucks because that guy obviously is seeing vaginas all the time. But like, you don't go to the guy, I know a lot. And it's a very vulnerable position.

You're there with two men. It's also a joke. It's a joke for guys. But the fact, I would have had a fight. I would have had a fight with the husband. I mean, we like our jokes. We like our awkward jokes, you know, me and you. But, like, I wouldn't laugh if some fucking kind of college made a shit joke.

That's a groaner. It's also, like, there are, like, awkward laughs. Like, you know, when someone's being, like, weird and you're like, ha, ha, ha, just to, like, get them to stop. Yeah. It could have been one of those. But some of these doctors have crazy personalities. I know. And they also, some of them have a real, like, power trip where they think they're, like, saving...

people's lives every day. Some of them are. Some of the more. I told you the STD and Dublin doctor story, right? We've said that on this pod before. I don't know because I don't really listen. Oh, God. No, I don't think you have. So, this guy, Aiden has the joke about him also. You know that, right? No. Okay, so too funny. Very quick. Dublin STD doctor story. I'm not going to name him, but he was well-known. he was he was odd dude anyway uh the first story i'll tell is so i'm in there you know i think i have an STD i didn't but you know the way you get paranoid i'm doing my due diligence checking it out and he's like asking me questions about my sex like blah blah blah and then he goes and have you been feeling tired lately you know and i'm like gigging all the time i'm like fatigued i'm like

yeah actually i have like freaking out thinking like oh here we go now i'm going to find out what i have So he goes, have you been tired lately? I was like, yeah, I have. And he goes, that'd be all the sex. It's so weird. That was a bad one, right? So weird. You were typing while I was telling that story, though?

No, that was listening. Like a TV executive? Like a TV executive not listening to your pitch? That's so niche. That was so neat. Is that too niche? Yeah, that was really niche. No, I also feel like,

when you're doing that job like he probably says that joke every fucking time i know that's his joke man it's like so annoying because you're also like you walked into it and you're also just like thank you but like the men i get it i kind of i yeah so do you want to hear the aden story yeah is he going to be okay with you telling this story well he tells it on stage it's okay with you burning his material well no because it's it's our story so anyway so aden goes into the same guy right and uh he goes you know he aiden's like what he tells him he's a comedian and he goes oh you're a comedian any chance you're related to des bishop and he was like yeah that's my brother right so then you know he starts asking aden about like his you know his like sexual history and all

that and then at some stage the doctor goes so have you ever done a double act and aden's like well yeah actually one time after a show i met these two girls and you know we went back to the apartment and you know and he starts telling his story about a threesome that he had and then the doctor goes no i meant like with your brother so that's that's our crazy so aiding got him back by being inappropriate towards him yeah well no i think the guy was deliberately setting him up to be honest yeah yeah well look i'm i'm i'm i love people bringing lightness to their day-to-day jobs just when it involves people's vaginas it's like no it's inappropriate Have some tooth.

Yeah, it's just, it's so, oh, sorry about that. There is something so vulnerable about going into doctor's office too. And I've been working on this joke on stage. I'm like kind of trying to figure it out. But there's just something about how they're like, how tall are you? How much do you weigh? Are you depressed? And you're like, that is a fucking loaded question.

Someone, I think there was a meme. Someone was like, isn't everybody? And the doctor's like, no. And I'm like, okay. but like they should ask you about depression symptoms instead of just saying are you depressed because it almost makes you you always lie like or it's like do you have anxiety and if you do they'll be like how bad is your anxiety and you're like bad and they don't have they're not doing anything about it so it's just like they're asking it to ask it okay let's give another revenge here

hey hannah hey does um can't wait to see you and your tour coming up pretty soon Hannah I wanted to call and respond to something that you've done to an ex for revenge. And it's a little bit silly, but I think the Costco lovers will hear me out here. I had added my ex to my membership when we moved in together. And when we broke up, I honestly forgot he was still on my membership until I noticed and I was just looking at my online accounts. I just removed him. And I always thought, you know, I really hope he went in there, maybe even shopped

around had a full cart and then when he went to check out and had to scan his Costco card before pain it was just embarrassing so and it doesn't matter whether he did or not because you have that fantasy in your head and you never have to verify that's a that's a great petty revenge but that is crazy to break up with someone and assume that they're going to keep you on like their Costco card but you forget you know what I mean knock the girls can you imagine can you imagine I can imagine how many exes are either on their boyfriend or girlfriend's gym membership, Netflix account. There's got to be a lot of that. Okay.

To expose myself, there's a guy I dated when I was like mid-20s who gave me his dad's cable to like log in to a lot of like things you want to watch on your phone. On your phone. Yeah. It came. It was great. And then I think I started giving it to people because I was like, hey, I got it. I used it my entire 20s and then recently it stopped working

and I was like well thank you mister recently like when you were married you were still using your ex-boyfriend's father's optimum login maybe it's called being resourceful and I don't expose my sources I understand

I don't know our own cable password I was trying to watch the US open today and you had to put in your cable password. And I was like, gunned to my head. I have no idea. Do you know? Well, of course I know. I should have asked you. How do you think we have cable? Come on. I'm looking after all that stuff. There's just like the whole world of things that are happening that keep our life ticking over that you are clueless about. Okay, you guys. We have two different, we have two different cable providers. In the Spotify comments, tell me if this is crazy. I'm sitting with Des and we're filling something out.

and it's oh this is funny this is actually funny it says we're both signing it and we both have to put our emergency contact so obviously i put my mom Hannah went Hannah went first lenore burner write it sent it to him he goes you're not putting me as your emergency no i didn't say we're not putting you i said you know most married couples they put their spouse has their emergency contact not your mother you're married now first of all i would i've always put my mom but second of all we both were signing something for an apartment So it's like, are you supposed to put down the other person that's also signing something? Like, we're accountable for each other?

Yeah, because you're not assuming that you're both going to die in the same plane crash. It's like, it's like, if there's an emergency, you call the husband. Also, it's sad because your parents are not with us anymore. No, it's not sad. It's just like, it's a mentality. Like, you're still a child in your mind. If something wrong happened to me. call my mom

and she will handle it that's like a that's like a perception change that usually happens for people no because I'd be like look I don't want to bother Des with this I just go I'm like

Des is already annoyed with me call my mom I'm like I'm in jail what did she do this time I go I don't have a a row with my husband just bother my mom she loves me regardless my husband

it's conditional. Anyway, it's just like it's a, it's a, it's a perception change that hasn't happened for you. Obviously. Well, I'm a child still. It hasn't happened. I was forced into having an old, do you put me down as your emergency contact? Of course I put you down as your, my emergency. What are you doing?

Yeah. Put like your brother or someone who's an adult. Hannah, I put you down knowing that you'll just call your mom. Also, okay, that's valid. But also, I'm not picking up an unknown number. You know that. First of all, how many, nobody, in all my life, the emergency contact number has never had to be used. It's not an important thing.

Yeah, when would it be used? Generally, you put down the person who's going to inherit the money when you die. You're probably not even aware of that. That was not. No one, when were we going to learn that? No one's ever told me that. Oh, you didn't know that now that we're married, like, we have. haven't done it, you know, like, it's automatic that it would go to you.

Like, you know, in that same signing, in the same signing thing that we were doing. Hey, sweet. In the document, it was, you know, it's automatic transfer to the other if one of us dies. You know that, right? Yeah, okay. Hell yeah. Hey, dialers, if I die within the next few weeks, you know why. Hannah has just got information she didn't know.

I really want the messy apartment all to myself. I want to talk to you about Mint Mobile because now the summer is heading towards its end and maybe you've had some time to ponder over whether you're getting ripped off by your current mobile provider. With Mint, you can get the coverage and speed you're used to but for way less money.

And for a limited time, Mint Mobile is offering three months of unlimited premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month. While your friends are sweating over data overages and surprise charges, you'll be chilling literally and financially. So, say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills,

and unexpected overages. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan. bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. Ditch overpriced wireless and get three months of unlimited service from MintMobil for 15 bucks a month.

So get this new customer offer and your three-month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash burner. That's mintmobile.com slash burner. Upfront payment at $45 required, equivalent to $15 a month. Limited time, new customer offer for first three months only. speeds may slow above 35GB on unlimited plan taxes and fees extra cement mobile for details as you know this is a podcast with a concern about mental health history and it's pretty obvious from listening to us that we care about mental health that's what i want to tell you about rula rula you know i've mentioned it before but i'm kind of envious sometimes of you know the fact

that it's so easy now to access mental health service through Rula. Things like that didn't exist in my most turbulent years, and I only wish that I had the ability to find an online therapist to help me out, because I had some tough times in my late teens and early 20s. The problem is, it's really hard to find a suitable therapist to schedule an appointment. There's a lot of expensive out-of-pocket costs, which is why Rula is on a mission to make high-quality mental health care from a licensed professional, easy and affordable for everybody. Rula's got you covered. They take most major insurance plans, and the average co-pay is only $15 per session. You can now get the quality

care you need when you need it at a price you can afford. And it's not just affordable. They stick with you through your journey, making sure that you get the best therapy and that you're making progress. With Rula, every provider is carefully vetted and chosen for their expertise. You'll always know you're in the hands of quality providers who are dedicated to making real progress in your care. Rule of partners with a network of over 15,000 therapists and psychiatrists nationwide, enabling you to find your personalized solution and the right therapist for you based on your needs, preferences, and state requirements. It's in-network covered care for most major insurance plans. Pay as little as $15 per session, but depending on your benefits,

your co-pay could be as little as $0 per session. It's end-to-end care. They stick with you all the way through your journey and they support you with every aspect of your mental health journey from therapy to medication management with its diverse network of licensed experience professionals, Rula's, therapists, and psychiatrists make it easy for you to get the care you need. Thousands have already trusted Rula to support them on their journey towards improved mental health and overall well-being. So head on over to Rula.com slash burn. That's R-U-L-A-com slash burn and get started today. After you sign up, they ask you what you heard about them.

Please support our show and tell them our show sent you. Go to R-U-L-A-com slash burn. and take the first step towards better mental health today. You deserve quality care from someone who cares. Let's crack on here. Let's get a couple more before we. Do you want to revenge or do you want a men? Men.

Okay, here we go. Oh, this is like kind of has like a bit of a depth to it as a theme. Something that men get away with more than women. I think is not wanting children or at least if they don't want kids they're not grilled on it or questioned about it as much as women are there's no conversation of

oh you're so young though you might change your mind or oh but what if your wife in the future wants a kid you know you're going to regret it you could change your mind I just don't I guess I don't know men's experiences but from my experience, I've been told that a lot because they don't want kids. And I just don't see men being questioned that much about it. So I feel like they're getting away with not having paternal instincts more than women,

not having maternal instincts, or the desire to have kids in general. So, good point. As a man who's 44. What? That's how old I was when we met. it's been five years Hannah if anyone hasn't learned Hannah has arrested development

you'll always be 44 my brain baby a young a young buck no but you went 44 years without being married or 45 no I went 46

without being married look these are all unimportant details but see you find that you would get negative comments about you not having children in your 40s? Well, not negative comments. People just would be worried, you know?

You don't have the joke. I have the joke. Because your sperm's going to work. No, they'd be worried that like I'll end up unfulfilled. You know, they're concerned. The joke I say is people say you don't want to die alone and then I have all that material about that, which people can look up online.

But you were of the age where your friends, like their kids were growing up and they started to be like, you did it right, we're jealous of you. Well, that's my idea, but that's all my joke. but listen it's pros and cons we all know that you know a lot of my friends had you know not the jealousy because that's ridiculous but they would obviously envy the simplicity of my life yeah

but you know but i never i never thought oh i'm not going to have kids so i was never thinking that like that i wasn't going to be going through that myself i just you know before i met you i definitely had started to accept it and was like totally fine with it you know because basically the way I was thinking was all my friends' kids are now getting into their teenage years. They're going to be back to being free pretty soon. So, you know, I don't want to fuck up the flow. But anyway, we'll see what happens on that. Yeah, well, it's funny because yesterday on stage, I've been doing bits about should I have kids and I love asking the audience. And all these girls were like, no. Yeah, mixed. And then I'm like, why? And they're like, why would you?

Like, or they just say stuff. And then a guy raises his hand. I'm like, what do you think? Raises his hand. Yeah. Well, he was being polite because he knew I was in a mood. And I was like, what, sir? And I was so mean to this guy, Spencer, last night. It was so funny.

But anyway, he was like, I think you should have kids. And in that moment, I could have been really mean. And it'd been like, oh, really? Is your butt hole and your vagina hole going to split and become one hole? But I didn't. And I was like, why would you say that? And he was like, because it just makes everything in your life better. And whatever.

So the guy was really like, you should have kids. But to each his own. Yeah. Well, you know, Elon Musk and all these. The latest kind of like bullshit conspiracy is that like depopulation is the great fear for the future of humanity. Which, you know, whatever. But of course, Elon Musk who has like 11 kids, like, you know, has odd involvement in it's, I'm not going to judge. Between him and Nick Cannon, we're good with the population.

Yeah. just leave it to them but you know people always say like oh you know it's the most reward and like i i i i 100% believe in that the majority of people end up fulfilled from you know the fact that they had children and the relationship they have with their kids but you know if you don't have kids you never know so it's it is like one of those things where it's like yeah if you never know what it's like then it's not something that you feel like you've missed out on And also, let's be honest, people's lives can be complicated without kids, too. Everyone has their own burdens.

But there is this, like, type of man that is, I guess they're afraid that, like, women will just, like, stop having kids. And they know that they need women to have kids for them to have kids. So they, like, get this fear that they've lost control of the women. That's where I think some of the abortion argument comes in, where it's, like, it's going to extremes of that, like, one woman decides, oh, I want to have a career. And it's like, the women aren't going to let us have children anymore. But that's our little serious moment there. Let's do one more. Okay, I want to, this is not from the prompt, but I just think it's quite funny. So let's finish with something light. Hey, mom and dad. Love you guys so much. I think we should do a Hear Me Out podcast about

people, cartoon characters, movie characters, whatever that are unconventionally attractive or that you're weirdly attracted to. I think everyone would get a kick out of it. All right. Love you. Bye. Our Gigli Squad joke was that we were attracted to Gill in Finding Nemo. He's like the older fish with a scar on his face. And he's hot. But look, I love a bad boy. I actually can't remember Gill. He was like when they, Nemo got in the tank in Australia and there was a bunch of different fishes in the tank.

Gill was just like. Oh, right. Yeah. And he was mysterious and hot. And honestly, I think a little older. He'd seen some shit. Ah, see? See? It's a theme in your life.

Yeah. Well, you know, as kids, we were attracted to Jessica Rabbit, but she was. conventionally attractive. Yeah, that was like AI made for boys to be excited. Yeah, well, I, I, you know, sometimes on the internet. Lola from Space Jam. Oh, you know, fun fact about me. I've never seen Space Jam. Sorry, Hannah. It's been five years. I never told you that, but I've never seen Space Jam. Sorry, Hannah's Frozen, but it's not the, it's not the Zoom. It's actually Hannah. She's frozen.

Wait, I'm crying. I know, but Hannah, you've got to understand. When that movie came out, it was just at a time in my life where I was not, what year was Space Jam? Let's find that exactly. For people who don't know, Space Jam is my favorite movie of all time. And my husband has kept this for me. Since you've been typing throughout the pod, can you Google what year Space Jam came out

and I'll tell you what was going on in my life. I have not been type. I typed one thing. Okay, Space Jam. the greatest movie of all time. It came out in 1996. Yeah, so first of all, 1996 was my first year sober. I was going into my second year of college,

like living in a house probably that didn't even have a TV, didn't have a lot of money to be going to the movie. So just, I just, that was just not my era for seeing Space Jam. You know Bill Murray's in Space Jam? That moment passed me by. Do you know that? I don't. And also, I was in.

Ireland where possibly space jam wasn't as like was Michael Jordan not famous at that time? Yeah he was but not to the same yeah uh you know not not to the same what's the word space jam extent not to the same extent the space jam soundtrack which look fly like an eagle

was one of the greatest songs but it's by R. Kelly so that has been tarnished that's gone however I used to like train to no sorry not fly I believe I can fly by R. Kelly. Oh, I was like, fly like an eagle is seal.

Yes. And that was, okay, then upside down, Salt and Peppa, that was from the Space Jam soundtrack. The winner by Coolio, Space Jam soundtrack. I found my smile looking. DeAngelo,

that was on the Space Jam soundtrack. Robin S. did, I'm giving you all that I got. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh. I like it by Biz, Marky and Spin Doctors. That was on Space Jam. Wow. Basketball Jones by Chris Rock and Barry Wright.

Basketball Jones. That was on the soundtrack. Wow. And for you, I Will by Monica. For you. Such passion. And all of my days by Jay Z. Wow.

So I listened to it was. When did this become a movie soundtrack podcast? I'm just saying I would then I would go on the treadmill and listen to it and pretend I was winning the U.S. Open. So anyway, I actually don't think I could re-watch it with you because I'd get too emotional. Yeah, so I've never seen Space Jam. Oh my God. So I don't know.

Do you even know me? Do you even understand who I am? I'm trying to think of other cartoons that I was other cartoons. I mean, I guess Daphne from Scooby-Doo was hot. The nerdy one? No. Oh, that's Thelma. Thelma, yeah.

No, Daphne's the hot one. Okay, she's actually a redhead, so that bodes well for me. Continue. Oh, okay. Okay. It's all girls. Do you realize everyone you... All the Josie and the pussycats were hot.

Every girl you've mentioned doesn't have a waste, by the way. Hannah, they're not real humans. I know, but that was... It wasn't a good time for body positivity. Okay. Like, everyone, Google Daphne. I get upset when you like to fish. Well, yeah, because I like the fish

Because it was funny, not a girl with Unrealistic beauty standards. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. There's such a double standard of what we can talk about on this podcast. But you know what? I did love... Hannah gets jealous when I bring up cartoons and incidents that happened before she was born.

Okay, I'm actually blown away. I was really attracted to Lee Shang. um in moulon who i'm now realizing was played by donnie osmond that's the voice though right yeah but lee shang was hot like insanely hot yeah i can't remember i can't remember the other hot the other hot people in cartoons but that's a good that's a fun topic yeah we so we had a whole smasher pass thing in giggly squad yes i thought about that when this prompt came in but i think it's a good prompt. I think we do it for next week. What, smash or pass?

Not just smash or pass, but what TV film unconventionally hot? Were you weirdly attracted to? Either cartoons or unconventionally hot real people like Danny DeVito. I was attracted to Bugs Bunny. Really? Because he had like a swag about him.

Yeah. He was always cooler than everyone and he was always he was never the butt of the joke. He was always messing with people. Yes. Yes. Yes. I would love a nostalgic trip down sort of the cartoon highway. So let's do that for next week. But we both were raised with different cartoons. I understand that's why, but that hasn't been a problem so far. We span generations on this podcast. Yeah, because you don't acknowledge the history of my favorite films.

No, Hannah, unfortunately, this is not true. I just didn't see Space Jam. You haven't seen numerous films that I've loved. I should make you watch Mean Girls once, but I was getting... You couldn't finish Succession. Okay. So listen, we have different taste. What did they say, like, when you're at trial and someone yells something that has nothing to do with it? And the judge says... Objection.

No, but... Irrelevant. Irrelevance. Irrelevance. I didn't finish Succession. Irrelevance. No, I was watching Mean Girls with you and you guys, to watch Mean Girls with someone for the first time. they'll say like one of the iconic lines

and you're like do you realize that line like I've said a hundred times Hannah I saw Mean Girls in the cinema I've seen Mean Girls Sorry that was a different way Did you just make up a story? Yeah Like you just you just And guys just for the record

Little Dylas if this was the other way around What just happened you know Hannah would be making some comment and getting upset There's a serious double standard on X's being mentioned on this podcast Yeah because when girls mention exes, it's like, it's like, oh, you've been through stuff. But when you mentioned an X, it's like, hey, listen, you can use your ex-boyfriend's father's optimum password to watch

mean girls again, okay? No, because he cut me off. I'd love to realize how they figured it out, but I used it for a very long time. Yeah. All right. Well, that's a great prop next week. You know, hot cartoon characters or like unconventionally attractive people can be like real people. I use the Danny DeVito example, for example. Yeah. Mr. Drummond from different strokes. Save it. Save it. No, I'm just kidding around.

We'll do some research. I was deliberately doing like a sitcom from before your time. You guys, thank you so much for calling in this week. I just want to promote my Norfolk show. I'm going to Miramar Beach, Florida. I have a couple tickets left for Pittsburgh. I added shows in Grand Rapids, San Diego, Vegas, Phoenix, Green Bay, Madison, Portland. Let's go, Portland, Maine.

Yeah. And I will be announcing new places because a lot of you guys have been like, why aren't you going to this place? I am, and I will announce it on Tuesday. I'm in San Francisco next weekend and then Vegas for the whole week after at the comedy seller. Then I'm in Nashville, Atlanta, and I just added Donya Beach, Florida, which is basically Fort Lauderdale, the Dania Beach Improv. and I'm in Syracuse which I was forgetting to mention and I'm oh I you know what else I added Toronto I added San Diego there in the new year and Portland and Seattle so go and check it out see us thanks guys bye

Okay, so in terms of silly revenge, when I was 18 or 17, I guess, I was a senior in high school, I had a boyfriend for a few months, and he cheated on me, which I later found out, and I later found that out after I did this. So him and his girlfriend posted a picture on Instagram, and she was like draped over his back, and it was in black and white. And it really pissed me off, obviously. So I then took the picture with my gay best friend of me draped over his back in black and white, and I made it my Instagram profile picture. This was just, like, just petty enough and just silly enough. He couldn't, like, be like, oh, was that on purpose? But he did reach out to my friends who then asked me if it was on purpose.

And I was like, and of course, of course it was on purpose. Yeah, and then I also burned all of his things that I owned that I possessed. So, yeah, that was what I thought. Hey, Hannah, hey, Des. Love Burner Phone. Really, really love Giggly Squad. I'm calling in from Iran. I don't think anyone's ever called in from Iran, so you're really international now.

What I wanted to talk about, what was the prompt? All right. A complaint about men is that it's okay if you're not. don't like if you can't aim when you go to the bathroom fine but the etiquette the right thing to do is to just clean it afterwards even if you can't tame and you like fucking i don't know pee on the ceiling then clean it afterwards so no one has to know and the other thing about being in the shower i wanted to say is that i um sometimes i take showers and i'm on my period so you kind of of go from there you know peeing is not the worst thing okay so something that men can get away with

is outfit repeating why is it that every wedding every special event uh women feel this pressure now i know i know that we don't have to buy something new but you have to admit there is a societal pressure to get a new dress for every event or create a brand new outfit and men can just re-wear the same suit to every single fancy event wedding whatever you call it for years as long as it still fits them no one bats nigh and and they wonder why women have shopping issues it's not our fault it's society yep that's what i have for you When I was about 11, me and my sister found out that my dad cheated on my mom in their marriage with the woman he was living with at the time. So when we went to their house for a weekend,

we snuck downstairs in the middle of the night. And my sister stood watch so I could put her toothbrush in the toilet. And for months, we watched her use the toothbrush and never told her, never found out, I would do it again. It was hilarious.