Berner Phone - Berner Phone #11: Dumb Etiquette and Traditions

Episode Date: October 19, 2023

We are all eating cold food, holding doors, and asking permission to get married in the name of etiquette and tradition. The little dialers have had enough and so have we.  hellofresh.com/50bern  Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code BERN at lumepodcast.com! #lumepod

Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Okay, welcome back to another episode of Burner Phone. My little dialers, someone has requested for another name that Des and I may consider. Wow. You've come in without even saying hello.

I don't believe in that kind of etiquette. You're against the traditional etiquette of acknowledging your co-presenter. Look, I'm from New York. Let's get to the fucking point. Well, we're Zooming. This is our first episode, not together. Des is in Ireland. Yeah, and you're back at home, so we're separated.

We're separated, but we're brought together by this pod. does what did people want to be called no somebody made a great suggestion which people may or may not like i'm not i'm not saying didactically right now that we're we're taking this name but i feel like it's fun because it's a pun they suggested phonies as in you know you're phoning up uh so it's kind of reclaiming the word phony people can it's reclaiming it to be powerful and it is like cute I'm a phony. Hi, I'm a phony. Hi, I'm a phony. But I don't want to, that's kind of one of those ones where people could love it or they could hate it. So I don't want to. And Little Dialers was an ode to Little Devils. So people might not be ready to fully get to phonies. But I don't

know. We'll see what naturally flows. And also leave a review. Tell us what you think. Because really what you guys think matters the most to us. I'm excited for this episode because Dez came up with this concept. And at first I was like, what? No, nothing. I always feel this pressure when you say that it was my idea. I know, that's why I'm putting it all on you. So if it goes badly, it's your fault.

Okay. Well, can I just say what happened? Yeah. It has to have been our most, like, a lot of, a lot, a lot of messages. And I have to say, like a very high hit rate. Yeah, which means that we are absolutely doing at least two episodes. Honestly, I feel like this could be a podcast series. This is its own podcast. So we, I posted, what are some, like, dumb etiquette or annoying traditions that you hate? I personally don't, like, I never really had

traditions in my household. I like, we weren't religious. Like, we weren't very formal. We were just New York City rats. So I think, and then I do not really like following tradition because of that. But I didn't know so many people were so passionate about it. Oh, people are definitely passionate about it. And you're going to see that you're not as untraditioned as you think. You're going to notice when they start coming through that there's a lot of them that are relevant to you. The one that I hate, but I don't think everyone's going to agree with me is I hate the

pressure of having to bring something to somebody's house when they invite you over because my god my my mother said that her mother said never arrive with one hand as long as the other that was the expression like you always had to bring something which is which is fine on certain occasions like thanksgiving christmas dinner you know you want to like you want to bring dessert you kind of know your role yes every time you get brought over somewhere like how many candles can i buy or or bottles of wine that I'm not going to drink. Now, listen, I don't mind getting stuff, but sometimes it's just like inconvenient or you just know that they don't need it.

Or they say, don't bring anything, but then somebody else, not you, but somebody else, like your significant other or somebody would like, oh, but come on, you have to bring something. They said don't. And honestly, when we have people over, I never need anyone to bring anything. Yeah, because it's never something that people actually need. But if you are big drinkers, like I totally understand. stand bottle of wine everyone will smile but i remember when filming summer house when i arrived with

this guy jordan and we got in it was so fun and everyone's like when's page coming when's page coming and page comes in with a whole fucking bouquet of flowers and she's like here's my flowers never come in empty-handed and i was like damn this bitch making me look bad that's the problem and i was like i didn't even think that no one's ever brought who why do we we're not even take take care of these flowers these flowers are going to die tomorrow um but it was so funny because it was definitely her her culture but like that's the tradition that she was used to and her she said her mom was like don't you dare show up to summer house without bringing flowers for these people um Italians Italians are the worst offenders with this like

because because in growing up in Queens there was a lot of pressure and I feel like a lot of it came from them but like my mother would literally like fall out with people my mother would be like oh they never brought anything or like they That is so funny She will judge what they brought You had to bring something which I just think is so And even like my cousin Kevin My cousin Kevin

Every time he comes He brings 12 Dunkin' Donuts Like he literally feels like there's like an entry fee I hate that pressure I don't want that pressure I want people to just feel like they can just come Yes And I also don't want to feel like

I'm not accepted unless I bring you something of value Like a caveman ears like here's a cyber tooth tiger tooth yeah plus I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna eat I'm gonna eat all these fucking donuts you know so you're literally making me fat

I get a lot of random PR packages of things that I don't need like things that moisturizers nail polish whatever so I whenever I don't need them I put them in a box so I would every time I'd go see your mom I would have taken some moisturizer

or some serums and brought it to her. All right, yeah. Well, in fairness, that's worked with all my cousins so far, and it works with your cousins. And, of course, everybody thinks that Hannah is the most generous person in the planet. She hasn't paid for a gift in three years. She's literally, like, she's turned her cousins into, like,

recycling receptacles. Okay, literally my best friend, Haley, someone gifted me, like, a really nice watch or something, and I don't wear watches. And I was like, oh, I'm going to give this to Haley, for her birthday. I give it her and she goes, did you pay for this? And I'm like, no, but it's a nice watch. It's a good gift. I don't know. Um, so anyway, buckle down. Let's listen to some of these phonies. Okay. Oh, you're, you're, you're, you're accepting phony before a democratic election.

I'm giving it a try. I'm seeing the roll off the tongue. All right. Let me, let me see which one we're going to go. Oh, I'm picking this one first because we got at least 20 of these. Okay. So this represents about 20 people. So one etiquette that I think we should retire is when people sneeze and we have to say bless you or God bless you, like, isn't that a little outdated? Can't the people who sneeze apologize for their sneezing because either it's really loud or they spray their spit all over the place and they just don't sneeze in the proper way? Some people have cute sneezes, which Paige probably does.

But besides that, I think we should do away with the bless you and just say sorry. Well, I mean, don't get me started on sneezes because people who do the yell sneezes, it's like, did you not get enough attention as a child? You do not need to yell at the end of it. I fully don't understand the bless you part. I wonder where did that come from? It's God, it's God, I probably came. How did God?

get involved? I would assume it came from like the bubonic plague. I mean, no, but I mean, like, you know, ringa, ring of rosy came from the bubonic plague. I feel like it comes from a time where the majority of society believed in God and it's basically please, hopefully you don't have tuberculosis or cholera or some disease that could kill you. I should not be laughing at this, but like back then, like someone gets a sniffle and you're like, oh, get my affairs in order. She has six days to live. Yeah, exactly. So, you know, back in the

day, a sneeze used to be a bigger deal, you know, so. So, so. You're like, oh, fuck, we lost Marty. Now, I mean, I, I, I love this one because I actually, you know, obviously I was, I was a, I was a God bless you guy, you know, a lot of my life. I never had an issue with God bless you. But these days when I sneeze, I don't want people to God bless me. Not because I'm an atheist, but just like, I mean, I am an atheist, but like, I don't care if people say God bless me, but I almost kind of like, I want it to be over. Like, I want to bring attention to myself. Yeah, but also, I want the whole God bless you phenomenon to be done. Like, we don't need to say bless you. I mean, I get it. I'm sure there's some people that are listening and they're like, oh, it's, it's a

harmless tradition. It's a nicety. It's a nicety in, in society. but personally for me like when somebody says God but now I gotta say thank you and then it's also just like oh not now are we fucking connected now you God blessed you me yeah and then like if you're an atheist

and you say thank you does that mean now you have to believe in God I mean it doesn't it doesn't challenge my lack of belief but it does it's just kind of like more human interaction than I need yes I do have to say I'm a hypocrite and this pod has made myself aware

that I am a hypocrite because if I sneeze and someone says God bless, I like almost like I'll sneeze at the air in the airplane and I'll hope the person next to me doesn't feel the need to turn around and say God bless or bless you, but they'll do it and I'll be like oh okay thank you you didn't have to but then if I sneeze and no one says anything I'm like so no one's going to be fucking polite today

so it's like a loose lose lose yeah because you're sort of stuck with the expectation but then when it happens then you're stuck having to say thank you to somebody you know i feel like when someone sneezes it's like okay now you have to say bless you or you're a cunt i mean honestly like since the pandemic when i sneeze i literally like when i sneeze i like i'm thinking everybody like i got to stand up and be like i have allergies everybody it's not it's not covid okay i'm vaccinated let's not get in an argument about vaccines you know it just brings up a lot of

of emotions. Yeah, I know. Whenever I feel the sneeze coming on, I'm like, oh, God, I don't want to deal with this drama right now. It's only 9 a.m. in the morning. And because I'm flying a lot, sneezing on an airplane is like double bad because everyone's stuck with you.

Or a coughing fit, a coughing fit on an airplane. It's like, why are you doing this to me now? Like, of all the times. But also, you don't want to say sorry because you don't want people to have to apologize for, like, already having to sneeze. So it's like, bless you has just stuck, like, it makes sense. Can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I devil's advocate here for a second? Of course, babe.

So, you know, I used to have this routine about the Irish language and, you know, it's dear which is, God be with you is like how they, how they speak like in the Irish language and like that's still the way that you greet people. And, you know, I actually, I put this routine up a long time ago. Nobody ever said anything. But recently I put it back up. And because I think it went more. outside of Ireland it like went into the world algorithmically numerous people pointed out

something that I never was aware of even though it's so obvious but goodbye is just God be with you it's just like the evolution goodbye goodbye comes from God be with you oh my gosh that that's what goodbye is which makes you know like that once you hear it you're like of course it is but I never knew I like I was embarrassed like because the routine is great and I with people that know the Irish language, obviously the routine is just funny to them. But then, of course, I look like the fucking clown because I didn't realize I've been saying fucking goodbye my whole life. Wait, my world is shookest. Because if you think about it, it's basically like text messaging, G, D, B, Y, God be with you, turned it to goodbye. Yeah, but that's what it is. And so

then that brings me back to not just this particular phony, but numerous phonies that message, Dan, and I'm with them. I'm devils advocating something here that I'm supporting moving away from God bless you. But at the same time, numerous parts of our language did evolve out of, you know, like religious interaction because that, you know, a lot of our interaction was, yeah, that was the culture. It's a cultural hangover. Cultural hangover. Wow, that's a good name for a special. Cultural hangover. Yeah, it is, especially for a straight white guy. It's like, I'm still here.

Cultural hangover. White guy still wants to talk. Actually, I have to admit something to you. Oh, God. I had a drink last night. Hannah, it's not a fucking AA meeting. I'm like a little hungover. You're not one day sober.

I'm a little hungover. You went to Zway's party. You want to drop a name on top of your, on top of your drink admission? I went to Zeeway's book launch party and it was supposed to be like a quick thing and then I ran into some comics and then I somehow was there at the end and people started dancing and then it was awkward. I didn't want to like leave when people started dancing because that would be like me showing like I don't approve of people having fun. So I was like awkwardly dancing outside the circle and then the party ended and they were like we're going we're going to another bar and I

kind of got caught in the like stream of fish. And I also never go out because I'm always performing at night. So I was like, oh, fuck it, I'll go. And next thing, you know, I had like a tequila soda at like 11. And I hadn't drank the whole night. God. And I just, someone put it in my hand and I was thirsty. And I started drinking.

And I was like, oh, fuck, I have the podcast in the morning. So, guys, I was crazy last night. It's all so passive. It all, it was never had anything to do with you. It's amazing how that, that whole. experience was it was out of your control. Somehow I was having a tequila soda. I have no idea how it happened. No, someone handed it to me. I was a ship in the night and I got stuck, but it was very, very, very, very fun. I think it's because I didn't want to admit to myself that I wanted to

socialize because that's so off brand for me. Can I, can I, you know, I, I know I'm always the one that's dying to go back to the messages and I'll gladly drop this and we can come back to it or we can talk about it right now because I just thought of another tradition. that I fucking hate. Ooh, tell me. Why do human beings at parties and nightclubs, particularly weddings, always have to turn dancing into a circle?

Why is it the fucking human evolution to turn a fucking dance situation into a circle? And then suddenly there's pressure to go into the middle of circle and do something fucking stupid. No one's ever gotten in the middle, rarely to people go in the middle of the circle. And I'm like, that was worth it.

You know, I'm always like, oh, they don't want to do this. don't make, oh God, they don't want to do this. Why have we not, like, why has they not been like a PSA, like stop? The circle has to stop. It's not the fun, it's not the fun way to dance. But when you get thrown in the middle, what is your token dance move that you do? Oh, you know, back in the day, you know, I did the running, I did the running man back

of the day when the running man was a thing. And, God, these days you do a jig. These days you always do a jig. Like when you're not in Ireland, you do a jig, usually gets a giggle, and then you get out of there. What's a jig? Like an Irish dance. Oh.

What do I do? Okay, it depends. If it's like lit, if it's crazy, if people are drunk, I do the worm. And I, oh, but that's a good, that's, listen, you're owning it. I hate circles because they put you under pressure to do the worm. But when you do the worm, you're winning. But this is, you know that I'm like, I'm either 150 or zero. Like, if I'm going to play this game, I need to go all in.

But the problem is after you do the worm, you are sticky. Your whole body's sticky. You smell a beer and someone saw your labia because you're just flying around. But it's worth it. The worm is a win. I have in my life done a backspin and then finished like in one of those breakdancing positions from that. Very cool.

I've done that. I've done that. Sometimes I'll just go in the middle. No, I think the worm is my only move, which kind of sucks. it's really, it's not always the right place for the worm. Depends. You know, usually, and then usually what happens is like, your 75-year-old uncle gets in and everyone's like, go.

Kills it. Uncle Tommy. Maybe I like the circle, actually. Now that we're talking about. Okay, we approve the circle. All right. You want to go to another one? Yeah.

Hi, Hannah and Das. So the etiquette thing that I hate is holding doors open for people. Like, unless you're immediately, behind me most able-bodied people are like fully capable of opening doors for themselves and it's just it's always awkward if somebody's more than like a few steps behind you like you have to just like stand there and wait and like hold the door open when you just want to keep going on with your life and it's also awkward when you're on the other side and somebody is holding a door open for you and you have to like do that little like awkward jog hustle to get to the door because you don't want to inconvenience them like can't people just go through doors and not have to care about the people that are like 10 steps behind them and trust that they'll be able to open the doors themselves like this is this is so good because we actually live in a building where you get out of the elevator and you turn left and there's a door and then you turn left and there's another door and then you go a couple steps and there's another door so when you get stuck with someone and you're like oh

a little bit far behind, it becomes this whole fucking ordeal where they're like holding it for you for three doors in a row. And next thing you know, you have to have this interaction that like you really did not want to have. I'll always do the awkward jog. It's almost like if I don't do the awkward jog, it's like rude of you. Like, oh, you're just going to walk normally to the door. You're like, well, I didn't know we were racing. I didn't know this became a relay race. I mean, there's so much going on to my mind now. But first of all, can I just say, that I listen to this yesterday like since I've listened to these

since I've gone through them I've had like five holding the door situations and it's it's ruined holding the door for me because now I'm just going like you know is this person now fucking hating me for holding the door right I had somebody doing the jog but when I tore my calf

when I fucking tore my calf I would be like cursing people it's like no no no I'm good I'm good I'm not going to be able to do the fucking fake jog I'm good No, no, no, take your time. Take your time. You know?

And I've done it. I've sometimes hold the door and then I've looked back and realize that it's like an old person that struggles with their mobility. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, no rush. Take your time. I'll stand here all day because I've been through this with my parents. Take your time. But people, even old people, they feel the obligation to try to walk faster.

It's unsafe. Yeah. Because you don't know what that person is going through and they might now want to increase their speed. And then also with the holding the door, door it's like how long do you hold it sometimes i'll just put like my my foot out to like hold it up for them sometimes i feel like if a door is heavy it could swing back and hit them so like you getting involved with the door you're then like responsible if something happens to them okay so here here's the new

hold the door rule okay okay you hold the door if you hold the door as only if to let the door go would be like a slam in the face. If the door can close early enough that the other person still hasn't reached the door and it doesn't seem like you're slamming the door in their face, then you do not need to hold the door. But it's definitely rude to like let it go and then somebody's just like, yo, what the fuck?

Like that's the time. That has to be like a three second rule. All right. So since we were talking about going out, all right? Let's let's go with this one. hi Hannah love you both so much a societal

etiquette tradition thing that I hate is the long goodbyes that we were told we have to do to like the host and everyone at a party I remember so many times

my mom being like did you say goodbye to everyone did you make sure to say thank you and it is so unnecessary long live the Irish goodbye and if does could tell us why it's called the Irish goodbye that would be amazing too um but I am all for sneaking out sending a text of thanks and just letting everyone keep vibing all right love you guys

bye because nobody cares if you say goodbye when they're drunk they do care but they don't really care sober them doesn't care drunk people's like where are you going why no don't go oh yeah oh yeah but that requires that means you've already made the mistake of saying goodbye exactly I was stuck in this situation last night where I did that I went to the host I said goodbye the person she was talking to I said goodbye then leaving I ran into someone who I was talking to at the party I said oh I'm leaving goodbye and then she's talking to someone who was at the party the whole time that I saw didn't speak to and then I go well sorry we didn't get to chat and I gave them an awkward hug so I'm saying by to people I don't even know I know because that's the thing about saying

goodbye is you're setting yourself up for a situation where the night can continue yes I'm very guilty of the friends being like, I'm like, people will be fine. I'm going to leave. And then they're like, Hannah don't leave. And then I don't realize that they don't, they don't understand what time it is. They don't know who I am. They don't care. They're just having fun and drunk. And I'm like, I need to stay because this one drunk person needs me. I lose them. Yeah, I lose them after three seconds. They're gone. They're like dancing on a table somewhere. I'm like, but I thought they wanted me to stay. But that's the mistake that you made is you told them that you were leaving. That's the, that's the, you haven't mastered the art.

of the of the sneak off i haven't i'll do the like i'm gonna go to the bathroom and then i leave i mean if i'm at like if i'm at something important like uh you know a wedding like there's certain events where i will absolutely say goodbye to the host like you'll say goodbye to the bride and groom at a wedding i i'll i will yeah absolutely i will say goodbye to the bright and groom at a wedding. Yes. I feel like I get scared to talk to the bride or groom at weddings. Like, I'm not going to say goodbye at the end. I know, because a bride and a groom at a wedding is like a celebrity. Yeah. They're so bothered and I don't want to annoy them. But also, if it's a small wedding, obviously, I'll say bye. But if it's like a 300 person wedding, I'm not going to be like, I need the groom's time to say

bye. Yeah. So I... Because I say bye to 300 people. That's insane. That's a meet and greet. I mean, I'm a fan of, like, to be honest, a running theme, I think, to this entire episode or next two episodes will be, we need to liberate ourselves from some of these social obligations that we've created that have no real benefit to society in that if you're friends with somebody, you're going to see them soon in the future. So it doesn't really matter if you say goodbye or not, especially in a situation where you know, saying goodbye is risking staying there for another half an hour. There's a lot of people to get through, you know? But if you're a good friend and they leave without saying bye you feel like okay I'm you just left me maybe I want to leave with you

well I don't care see that's the problem you're you're stuck in it that's but that's girl math girls are different guys you could literally like get hit by a car and be like I'm okay I'm good like I'll see you later work yeah with with girls it's like well page and I speak with our through eye contact I'll know like we need to go and then we just like do it we never even talk um but i mean as a non-drinker i'm a goer i'm i'm like i'm like a lever i've got i've tried it out enough now to know that that any any negative repercussions from my exit are minuscule compared to the benefit of just getting out of there true and people when people are drunk they do not remember i also but i do think with women it's different because like we

don't want to get kidnapped so like when someone's leaving you're like okay text me send me your location and or like I'm going with I mean girls can't even go the bathroom alone like we go together so it's more like you just have to tell that one person that you're leaving um just to like let people know well yeah because you don't want like a you don't want like a search party somebody somebody has to know so it can't be like what the fuck happened to have everyone's searching Jennifer's been gone for eight hours and we can't find her Jennifer's at home in bed fucking fell asleep watching old episodes of friends she's fell asleep watching old episodes of friends she's fell asleep. sleep on her Uberitas outside the door. Okay, so can I, can I, can I, can I talk about the Irish exit? Yes, I know you've been piddling yourself, excited to talk about it. Well, it's, it's very controversial, you know, because this is a, a modern phenomenon that people think existed forever, right? Because actually, in Irish, you can't speak for everybody because everyone has like a different

version of this, but largely most people I talk to that are in and around my age, and certainly within my Irish American family. and some Irish people I've spoken to. The Irish goodbye was back in the day a goodbye that never ended, which actually numerous cultures say, like an Italian goodbye, a Colombian goodbye. It's like one of those goodbyes where like,

you say, okay, I'm going to go and then a half hour later, you're like standing at the door. You know those goodbyes? Yes. You're literally at the door. Yes. And then, oh, and literally you're about to open the door

and they're like, oh, did you know that Samantha was pregnant? And then you're like in like a 20-minute Samantha pregnancy conversation. The fact that you said goodbye a half an hour ago And you still haven't left That's what I was told was an Irish goodbye And then about 20 years ago Particularly New York Fireman

New York City fireman Talked a lot about the Irish exit Now I would say that the Irish exit Suddenly has become the Irish goodbye In the modern lexicon But the Irish exit was always sneak out Without telling anybody Which a lot of people would think

Is maybe like a little bit like A little bit of a play on Irish stereotype that you're so drunk, you just sneak out without saying goodbye to anybody. However, as a sober Irish American, I can tell you that I take no offense at the Irish getting to claim what is one of the great social evolutions of modern time. The fact that you can just sneak off and then everyone's like, oh, he just Irish exited, and then nobody gets pissed off. I realized last night that I'm, like, so bad with social situations.

And going out, there's so many things in a group where you're, like do I am I supposed to talk to the host? Do I not talk to the host? Do these people want to talk to me? Are they just like forced to talk to me? Should I ask them more questions or is this conversation over? Like there's so many nuanced parts of these like parties where it's not like you don't know. I went alone babe last night. That was crazy behavior by me. Wow. You're you're out you're out of control. I know. But I've dealt with a lot of those like am I going to survive this? And then you get home and you have like at least five interactions that you're like oh that was bad like they definitely think i'm weird or like i shouldn't have said that or like that person didn't think

that was funny and that's i guess that's why people drink but that's so yeah and that's social anxiety and that's like that that definitely why why drinking helps because like when when you're still thinking about all the awkwardness of your sultan interactions which of course nobody's thinking about you're thinking about it but in your mind you know it that's just anxiety especially when I'm other people are drinking and I'm not like they are they're not being smooth with the conversation because they're drunk I'm not being smooth with conversation because I'm a sober person talking to a drunk person and then I'm the one remembering it and then I don't know if they remember it but I'm like I know that wasn't a great back and forth I also will

literally be like okay that was a pleasant direction then I'll be like oh that was a C minus you could do better Hannah you've done better yeah it's no one do you know like going out this is just not fun no I'm so stressed out all right well well since since we're talking about social anxiety let's let's stay on the topic yeah hey hannah hey does original giggler here um have been watching your stand-up forever too does so glad you guys are together um so the societal norm that i hate is when you've met a close friend's significant other for the first time and you're all like saying goodbye and you hug your friend like you normally would and then all of a sudden you turn to the significant other.

Generally for me it's like a significant other who's a guy and I, we both look at each other and we don't know if we should hug or not and it feels really weird and there's like a weird tension and I don't know if it's sexual tension. I don't know if it's just like too close for comfort. I'm generally a hugger, but in this situation it just feels awkward, maybe too close too soon because you're still kind of sussing out if this person's like, okay. for your friend so maybe it's just me i don't know but that's it a good one that's so good when i was younger like i noticed the guys would start hugging the girls in middle school to like say hi and i remember being like don't hug me because my mom told me they were trying to cop a feel

so they would hug all my friends they go to me and i'd be like don't touch me and but now i do feel that even an adult like you don't want the thing is if you don't hug you can't think quick enough of like you're not going to shake his hand you're not going to pound him then it almost makes it more sexually awkward that you're like not touching him it's honestly this situation i thought this was great i don't have a lot to add to it because she articulated it so well i've been in that situation so many times where like people it's almost like there's a hierarchy of how you interact it's like oh friend I've known forever a hug and a kiss in the cheek a fellow comedian handshake into a into a into a half a hug you know but then like that's that awkward one that she's talking about I've been in that situation so many times and then what's worse is when you like half go in and then you're sort of half committed and it just feels so bad I actually I had like I had cringe listening to it but not cringe at the at the message just like you recall of so many times I've been in this awkward situation especially for a man my advice is just like lay back let the woman kind of figure it out where i because i'm a

because i'm a woman i'll be like okay we're going in for the hug and i like let him know like it's okay but like we both don't want to do it i just don't want him to feel like i hate him because i'm thinking of yeah when your girlfriend comes in and she's like a new guy and you're like bye but you see him and you're like yeah but i but i do have to say hugging some people really fucking hate hugging and I kind of get it like it's literally two people pressing their full bodies together and then embracing like that's I totally get that for certain situations but like sometimes I'm not wearing a bra and I don't need my nipples like it's a very intimate exchange it is it is people loved the COVID bumps they loved it I feel like yeah I thought

that was going to hold actually I thought I thought that the COVID paranoia about human contact was going to hold a bit more than it did. We very much went back to the way it used to be very quickly, actually. Yeah, or we overcompensate it because we, like, missed it. Like, now we're like, everyone needs to go to live concerts now. I mean, I'm a big fan of the fist bump evolution. I'm a fan of a fist bump. Except sometimes people would be too aggressive with it, or I'd be wearing, like, a ring,

and I'd stab someone. But I would take that possibility over, like, a full body fucking spoon situation every time you meet someone. Have you ever had one of those like fist bump and then somebody else is going for the handshake so then you switch but they've switched back and you can't get the timing right on whether you're going to fist bump or handshake? All the time. I call it awkward turtle.

Oh, yeah, because I have put my hand over a fist bump. I have shaken a fist in my, since the pandemic I have fish shaked. I've also done the accidental Like my lips touch their lips Because they went on the right side I went on the left side They went in for a kiss I was like not aware

I'm this is very classic me I will fuck up any situation And make it as awkward as possible And then think about it for the next three weeks It's almost like Because a lot of this has to do it Like social anxiety and social awkwardness I feel like

You know this is this is one of the problems of the breakdown of religion in society because for all the criticisms we have of religion, they created a moral code, a set of rules that we followed as a society to help us to exist. And it's almost like we need to have like a global conclave, like a global collection of humanity to be like, this is good and this is bad. Let's come up with a whole new set of rules so that there's no awkwardness. Mm-hmm. Even yesterday, I was, so Emerada was there, shout out.

And people were messaging. Were you hanging with her, though? Yeah. Wow. People were like messaging me saying that she did this like episode of like best of and she said, oh, my funniest episode was with Hannah Burner. So she walks in and I see her and she's like, hey. And I'm like, hey, how are you?

and I'm like quick to be like what do I say what do I say so I go thanks for mentioning me on that episode and she was like what episode and I was like oh I don't know what episode so I was like oh I don't know and she was like ah and I was like and then I was like good chat and I was like why the fuck did you bring that up immediately God Hannah I fucked it up so and then I joked for the rest of the night I was like do you think I was with this other comic I'm like do you think she likes me like do you think you think that went over well and she's just like dancing and he's like I don't know she's just like living her life she's not thinking about you which it's just great everyone's just getting home with their lives that's how you get over social anxiety is realized no one gives a fuck about you in the most beautiful way exactly that's what I say in me and mama in the most beautiful way possibly you don't fucking matter as much as you think and when you when you die no one cares well some people do care do you guys ever wonder why we only have deodorant for armpits my whole body's sweating

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That's a lot, guys. 50% off hellofresh.com slash 50 burn, B-E-R-N. They're America's number one meal kit for a reason. let's change it up let's change it up completely okay uh we got two two strong ones coming up right let's do the first one here i just hate when you go to a restaurant and you get your food before everybody else's and your food's getting cold and you have to wait until the last person gets their food to like chow down and you know it's i'm not even paying attention to like the conversation i'm just staring at my food wondering when the restaurant's going to bring it

out let's be done with this i feel like i have to say something every single time oh my god this is so good because then also people will go no no no eat and for some reason you feel like it's a test of testing your like um etiquette to be like oh no no no i'll wait and i fucking hate this. Yeah, well, I'm with, I'm with her. Like, she, this needs to stop because, you know, some restaurants, like some restaurants are just not good with that or, or they're Asian and Asian culturally just bring out the dishes, right? So like, no more. I am 100% with her from now on, your food lands, you eat. Simple as that. I'm speaking of death, my late, great past grandpa jerry was a stickler we'd all get to dinner and everyone would be getting their food and he would be

like no one eat until everyone has their food but then as he started getting older and like a little more senile this motherfucker would just immediately start eating and i was like okay so can we eat so then i realized like this was all made up grandpa jerry no one's like getting ejected from the table if you start eating so he would literally like just put his spoon in the mashed potatoes and start eating it and I was like let's go and then it became like more fun to eat at his but I will say I will say that I'm fine with it when it's like you're waiting for the dishes to get around the table like at a communal like that's what he that's what he was always a real stickler with like and I would literally like wait for him to look over and I would like you know put a string bean in my mouth

so he wouldn't see me like it was like intense now Just out of curiosity, would you, would somebody slap your hand when you did that? Or were you a generation where you didn't get hand slapped for trying to get at the food? No, I was definitely not in the hand slap generation. It was more of someone, it was literally just him, like no one else cared. He'd be like, Hannah, wait for everyone at the table. But if I tried to put my hand, like, for example, if I tried to steal the end piece of the roast beef that was nice and crispy, I would get slapped. I mean, there would be, yeah, I had to be quick, you know.

You got those good reflexes. Oh, yeah, there would, there would be a physical hand that would, that would, that would, that would, that would smack that down. But we were savages growing up and my mother and father never taught me that we should wait. I was already in my, like, my, my mid to late adolescence when I realized that like, you're not, you're supposed to wait for people. And it just seemed dumb to me. I also, I feel like some people. people have different kinds of appetites. I'm one of those people that, like, when I'm hungry, I'm starving.

Like, I'm dramatic about it. So I can't even focus. But I do think a lot of the time, someone will tell you, like, oh, please, please start eating. But if people don't say that to you, you can't say it to them. You just kind of are at their mercy. And if they don't say it, you're like, these fucking people, I'm fucking starving. Well, I'm putting it out here right now in this podcast that it should be entirely

acceptable to say, do you guys mind if I start? Because I think most people actually don't mind if you start, but everyone's trapped. Yeah, I eat really fast though. So sometimes, like, I'll be done way before everyone. But that's what you eat. You start early, you end early. But that's, that's why the Chinese way is the best way. In my opinion, like, the way that the Chinese eat is way better. Because obviously, in the Western style, you order what you want, right? and then it comes out and you look at your friend's dish and you're like, I fucked up.

Their dish is better. And then it's like, oh, can I try some of yours? Comedian Jim Owen used to have a great routine about it. But, you know, can I try some of yours? But like, the only reason you're doing that is because you know that theirs is better, you know? And then sometimes they're like, sure. And then you like, you want to try some of mine.

And they're like, no. And you're like, yeah, because you know that I fucked up. You know, they don't want your dish. Whereas Chinese style, right? you just order tons of different dishes and everybody's you know especially when they have the lazy susan but everybody's taken a bit out of every plate and you get to taste everything it's funny because western culture is more individualistic right and that's in line with it i mean i i i don't know what how you know how the culture evolved but all i'm saying is that uh there's no issue that this

problem that we're talking about for the last five minutes does not exist uh in the sort of chinese sort of center of the table style of eating and I have no problem with the Western style you order what you want and I'm fine with that but deciding what you want

is a whole or a deal also food always looks better in other people's plates like pizza always looks so good when someone else is eating pizza and when I'm eating pizza I'm like this is good

but like even that pizza that other person's eating looks better are we ready? Mm-hmm Hi Hannah and Des love the podcast I just got married this summer, which, as you know, takes a significant amount of time in planning and sending out invitations, planning a party. And I, for the life of me, cannot bring myself to write these damn thank you cards. Like, I threw a party, you brought me a present. Shouldn't that just be the end of it? Like, why do I need to go out of my way again?

buy postage again address and handwrite all of these letters to say thank you for my pots and pans like I am thankful and I will tell them or text them or message them on Instagram but it's like come the fuck on let's get over it Speaking as a millennial who identifies as Gen Z, anything that involves paper, not going to happen, anything that involves stamps, not going to happen, anything that involves going to a USPS, not going to happen. These things do have to evolve. Do you know what we did for our thank yous? Yeah, which was a great idea that you did because we didn't do paper invitations. so you had everybody's email so you sent a picture

from the collection of pictures of the people to thank them for coming and for their present and I thought it was a great way to do thank you. I literally forgot I did that. Did you put me on the spot because you actually didn't know? No, I knew I emailed but I forgot

the picture thing was really fun because I was able to be like, hey, thanks for the pots and pans. Here's a photo of us from the wedding that I found. Um, that was really nice. Because I know early on I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not getting people's addresses. I'm absolutely not getting people's addresses. That's so many things that could go wrong. I just feel like logistically is just not smart. So I'm all about, we did a paper, what's it called? Paperless. Paperless post to invite people. And I don't want to kill the trees. Sue me. tell me that I'm not classy I don't want you to kill the trees

I guarantee you that within five to ten years nobody will ever send a paper invite again it doesn't make any sense oh my god right the only people that care honestly are the people that are older and they feel like that tradition matters they're just it's you know they're still watching the view

and they care you know and that's fine you know I might butcher this I might butcher this but there was a Seinfeld episode where George was supposed to marry this girl and then she sends out the wedding invitations and then she dies from poisoning from licking all the envelopes and look it sounds like a safety hazard i'm not going to get involved like i listen christmas cards over you know wedding paper invites over like you know somebody we know

recently uh got married and they had sent out a saved a date which was just more than enough like the save the date email saved the date they already had the wedding website i'm good you know but then they needed our address to send us a fucking wax sealed uh paper invite which it's beautiful but it doesn't fuck it's wasted on it's also so expensive like and i and maybe that is a little bit of like a thing where people want to show like see our wedding's expensive but like on the on the invites on the bottom is the link to the wedding website like at some point let's stop playing this game and just give me an email that I could click it and it goes straight to the website I really need people to stop sending me paper stuff like everyone if someone sends

me paper stuff that's important I'm like that that was a risk that you shouldn't have taken hey capital one bank I'm not fucking opening an account stop fucking sending me shit you know you know you know everyone's upset about paper straws like if we want to help the environment let's stop sending spam mail to people's mailboxes. Like, let's save a tree. Look, we just saw global warming. From now on, it's email invites and then it's AI thank you cards. You know, there's a fucking AI just sends everybody a thank you cards.

Chat, GBT, that shit. Yeah, chat GBT, man, all day. Wait, that's a really good invention because you take an Excel doc where it shows everyone what they got you. and then you chat GBT everyone's thank you oh my god no one's going to be no one's going have real emotions anymore yeah exactly so um yeah i i let you what do you want to do one more let's do one more i have 10 more minutes oh okay hana's got a schedule today uh let let's can we finish with a with with one i think that you'll have a strong opinion about yes i love having to pop to polish it off i love having strong

opinions. Hi, a societal norm that I think is really stupid is when you have to ask the father of the bride for permission to marry their daughter. I think that's stupid and outdated and there's no need for that. What is she? Cattle. I could talk about this for years and you and years. Famously, I don't know if I really told the story before, but my dad, no, you went up to my dad to ask permission to marry me, I guess, I don't know. I think my dad should have stalled heart, like made you scared a little or something, but instead my dad apparently immediately hugged you and said something along the lines of, she's your problem now, thank you. No, he did not, he did not say that. Okay, that was a joke he told me.

yeah that's like that's like a he didn't say that to me so the problem was you guys did this in i think outside and then when you walk into my house there's on the left is a bathroom and i pee with the bathroom door open i don't know it's like because my mom always did it because she needed to make sure the kids were okay so i'm peeing with the door open he walks into the kitchen which is right next to the bathroom sees my mom and goes does just ask me for her hand in marriage for whatever what's it called he asked me i just permission to marry his daughter, I guess. And so I immediately hear it and know what's happening.

And I'm like, motherfucker. Thanks, dad. Thanks, dad. And your big mouth. So I was not surprised. Well, I knew it was happening. But I pretended like I didn't know it was happening because I wanted to pretend that I was surprised.

But anyway, long story short, it's cute. But like, if the dad said no, you'd be like, who cares dad? Like, I'm 30 years old. and also the whole it stems from the dowry basically being like can I have your dowry can I have your daughter

the dowry and the cow yeah yeah it's definitely it's definitely a tradition that could go I mean I have an edit the guy should go

to the parents the woman who literally tore her vagina hole to her butthole to birth this baby sit in front of both the mom the dad and say like

I would like I want to ask your, to marry your daughter. Why can we do that? And you followed through with that because both your parents walked you down the aisle. So there was no sense of your father, there was no sense of your father giving you away. And truth be told, this is like a tradition, I think, that would quickly die if people sort of voiced the ridiculousness of it.

Because it's actually just like one of those things that like is a holdout from the past that we don't need anymore. but also I feel like not enough people are kind of like annoyed by it that like I think once the word gets out that it's silly I think it'll fade pretty fast I think when you know the history of the dowry it starts to feel kind of weird and I'm a daddy's girl more than anyone but I was like I'm not not having my mom involved in this wedding when my mom is my like literal everything like both my parents are part of this and it's not this like I was his property and now I'm his property Ashley Heseltine, I think, was talking to you about it on a pod once and she said the funniest thing ever. She was like, I make more money than my dad. You're not giving me to my husband. You're not giving me away. You're not giving me away. So, yeah, I just, I don't like the idea of women being property and I don't like that it even like kind of hits on that concept. So that's why I had both my parents walk me down the aisle. But if you, if your dad walks you down the aisle, that's very cute too. But, but

Then it's like then you have the daddy daughter dance. It's like how much are we going to give the dad the credit when, let's be honest, the mom runs the household. She raised you. A lot of tradition. Yeah, but then the son dances with the mother, though. So the dance bounces out, you know? Yeah, but for the daughter, it's like you walked me down the aisle and I do a dance with you. Like, when are we going to acknowledge the mom?

Yeah. I mean, the woman's mother probably gets a little bit sidelined. in the traditional wedding. So I'm a, I 100% support and advocate for all these patriarchal traditions in the build up to marriage to go. A feminist king,

I'm obsessed with you. These days. When your wife is killing it. When your wife is killing it, it's easy to be a feminist. Well, you guys, thank you so much for listening to another episode of Burner Phone.

tell me if you like phonies or little dialers we'll see what what or just dialers like dialers I see some people say dialers you know dialers is cute because we want it to be natural it has to be organic you can't force these things um thank you so much for listening I've been we've been reading all your messages the and the calls have been getting better better a couple people are like Hannah how do I call in normally on like Saturday Sunday or Monday or Tuesday on my Insta story honestly Monday or Tuesday on my Insta story and Dez's Insa story will post a prompt with a link

and it helps to stay organized. How about this? How about this? Let's say that Monday is prompt day. Okay, Monday's prompt day. Monday is prompt day because we record generally Tuesday afternoon today. We're recording Wednesday morning American time.

So Monday is prompt day. Keep an eye on Hannah or my story on Instagram. We will post the link. yes and go off have fun with it you guys are the best you make this podcast so much fun but also we uh we would like the odd male voice just to you know just to balance it up also i have a show coming up in hanover and i just announced denver and aspen and north carolina i have a couple shows so check it out at hanover.com slash shows thank you so much everybody thanks guys bye Thank you.