Berner Phone - Berner Phone 110: Ruthless Advice

Episode Date: September 30, 2025

Des is giving advice on the questions you don't want to ask your friends. Shop at REVOLVE.com/BERN and use code BERN for 15% off your first order. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the Burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Burner Phone. It's just Des. Sorry, guys. But I think this time you guys knew, Hannah and I both posted that it's going to be a Des solo episode. But I guess what's partially exciting about this is you guys are part of my experiment of doing this as a full YouTube episode also.

So if you're listening to this, the full video will be on my YouTube because in front of me is a, I'm using Riverside on my own. and I have all the I have all the prompts in Riverside like an actual producer and in the future I'll be doing the Riversides with Chris because we are preparing for having Hannah around less for good reasons which is she's just like on the road super busy giggly squad super busy and so we're going to figure out the long-term sort of burn or phone format. But for today, it's a solo episode, probably going to have a guest host next week,

and then long-term, we'll figure it out. But while Hannah's on tour, she may be absent from time to time, but do not despair. We will keep Burner Front going. And we hope that we have, what would be the word I'd be looking for, we hope we have developed a strong enough trust and relationship. that the dialers will stick with the pod when Hannah's not around. Anyway, I think we're ready for an advice.

I went for an advice episode because I know it's going to be on my own. And for those that sent in messages about double standards in relationships, I have to be honest, I totally forgot that we had put that out last week. And there was some great ones. So I'm going to hold, I've already, like, downloaded a ton of those. I'm going to hold off on that, whether it's next week with Hannah or with somebody else. Don't be afraid to DM me. You don't need to clog up the Telby with suggestions on potential guest hosts.

But certainly, DM me at Des Bishop on Instagram. And let me know who you'd like as a potential guest host. We're definitely going to have Taylor Strecker guest hosting at some stage. she says she's game but uh anybody else uh that you guys suggest let me know i want to keep it a woman because this is a sort of a man woman pod uh and also i feel like the largest majority of you guys are women uh and i just you know i'm not going to like i'm not going to bombard you like two men and their their manly ways um even though there was a great double standard one which we'll talk about last week about the sort of the concept of wanting men to be manly.

Anyway, I'm not going to get bogged down in that. So, anyway, great advice episode. I would love to rant and rave about the insanity of the Ryder Cup, but I feel like this isn't the place. So if you want to hear me rant and rave about the Ryder Cup, you can listen to the Bishop Exchange, which will be out on Wednesday. And I have a good rant about the despicable behavior at the Ryder Cup. So go and check that out.

So anyway, let's see. This is exciting for me. We're about to find out if this, if this new system works. So let's start with a lighthearted one. They're all pretty light today. There's only maybe two that are semi-serious. You know, I love a serious one. But let's see this one.

Hello, my husband is from Ireland. He laughs a lot when we're having sex. How do I get him to take it seriously? Hilarious. So, first of all, I don't think this is a particularly Irish thing, okay? Maybe because Ireland can, I think it's fair to say, I don't think this is a criticism. I think it's fair to say that Ireland traditionally has been a little bit sexually repressed. Maybe the Catholic Church had a little bit too much power.

over Irish society. So maybe one could argue that this is more common in Irish men because maybe there's like a sort of a subconscious discomfort around sex or, you know, just like a, you know, just, just something going on that makes you want to like turn it into a joke. However, let's just exclude the Irish part of this because I think it's a distraction. Although, okay, let me contradict myself and say the Irish do love laughter. Okay, so I definitely think that in all situations where an Irish person may be a little bit uncomfortable, they will mask it with a joke. So I'm going to contradict myself and say the Irish are particularly good at masking emotions with jokes, which I think is a positive and a negative. And I actually think we've discussed that before because I know I've been called out.

I've definitely said this on the podcast that I have been called out by therapists where I make a joke at a sort of critical juncture of emotional upheaval in the conversation. However, I have read in the past, and I don't know where I read it, but I was under the impression that if you can laugh with your partner during sex, that's a sign that you guys are comfortable with each other. However, I do think that if only one of you is laughing. I think the problem here is only one person is laughing, right? So I think my analysis is probably correct that your husband or your boyfriend, I can't remember which it was. He's probably masking like just a little bit of uncomfortability. and I think maybe as an exercise,

he needs to try to just be a bit more serious, which is probably going to make him laugh more because he's probably used to being silly in the bedroom. So as an exercise, he has to kind of push past that. I feel like he has to almost like put on his porn face and just get into like serious mode. I know, I'm joking about it. now, I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to put on my porn face.

But I think, I think because, listen, sex in a relationship, it's a two-way street, right? Like, you got to, it's give and take. You got to, like, understand what each other's, you know, yucks and yums are. You know, sometimes you've got to sacrifice a little bit of what you're into because you want to satisfy your partner and vice versa. So I think in this situation, if he can't stop last. laughing. Rather than get into the psychological analysis of why that is, right? Because it's very easy to blame Catholicism, okay, for a lot of things. But let's not blame Catholicism. Let's keep the church out of it. Let's keep the church out of the bedroom and just ask him, as an exercise,

can we not laugh for this one? And most likely because he's trying not to laugh, he will laugh more. But tell him that, you know, he needs to figure it out. Maybe not all the time, because I don't think that would be fair either. I mean, at the end of the day, if he likes laughing during sex, let him laugh sometimes. But sometimes because at the end of the day, it's clearly like a turnoff for you or just sometimes you just want maybe like a little more focus. You know, if it's a turnoff, like you're well within your rights to be like, yo, I just can't have you laughing always? Like, can we just have this session for me? and like what I'm into.

I think that's fair, you know? And that goes for men or women, you know? Like, I know the prompt was supposed to be double standards in relationships. And that would be a classic double standard, which is like, you know, like, when you got to do it for me, but I don't need to do it for you. But I'm not saying that's what's going on here. I'm just saying, I think it's fair that you would be like, I'm not into it. I don't mind sometimes, but like, humor me, please. no pun, which is, of course, a paradox,

but humor me and don't laugh. And I think that's fair enough. But I do, I do, I don't know, Irish people love to joke around, so I can see. I have to tell you, we don't talk too much personal stuff on this spot, but Hannah and I both like joking around in the bedroom, but that's like part of our thing. You know what I mean?

And we're cool with that. But I think when it's a one-way street, it's fine for you to try to find just at least one out of every five. I think, is that fair? One out of every five times, just tell them like, yo, no laughing. And if you laugh, you're in the doghouse. Simple as that. Great, great question. Okay, let's, I want to keep it light early on.

All right. this is for the single people out there. Hi, Des. Big fan of the pod and of you and your lovely wife. As someone who got married in their 40s, I was wondering if you could give me and the listeners some advice about waiting to find your person when there is so much societal pressure to settle down by a certain point. And how did you handle the doubts and the loneliness that sometimes comes from being, quote, unquote, the single friend?

Thanks. Wow, that's a great question, which requires a bit of a deeper analysis of myself as well as trying to help you. Now, I have to say, I'm not the best gauge of some of the stuff that you're talking about because, you know, I wasn't single that, well, you know, I wasn't like totally single for a lot of the time that I wasn't married, you know? And I had various relationships throughout those years. But, and I didn't get a ton of doubts. I actually kind of got more just like, maybe, you know, it's not going to happen.

I also had a couple of relationships that I thought were, you know, going to be that. And then it didn't turn out to be the case. So I would say there's all. Also, I definitely think there's less societal pressure on men. So I'm having like a touch more sympathy with your situation than empathy. However, let me just like try to put forward the areas where we can intersect here. Because yes, didn't get married until my late 40s.

What would you say? Would you say 46 is late 40s? No. But I didn't get married until that's 46. And there was definitely, well, first of all, I think the most important thing to say is that you should never pay attention to those pressures. Because at the end of the day, the life that you have is the life that you're supposed to have, you know? And there's pros and cons to everything.

And I think, number one, you just have to have some semblance of acceptance. obviously you need to make sure you know what you want you know um and i mean i like dating like i went on a lot of dates so i that's why i feel like i'm not a great you know i'm not the best spokesperson for this because i didn't feel a ton of of loneliness uh i also also i've had an odd life where I was sort of like on my own a lot from a young age. So I kind of, I'm oddly comfortable with being on my own. I just think most importantly, you can't give into that societal pressure. You know, it's not essential. The only aspect of aging that's essential to this is having children. But if that didn't happen, that would also be okay. You know,

I was also this single friend amongst my married friends and again I never felt that awkward about that I felt like my married friends were always kind of into having me around I mean of course you know the guys joke about oh we live vicariously through you you know you're dating people you're free you don't have to worry about your kids like all but all those jokes aside you know I think married people

particularly married people with kids they can get very stuck in like the routines of parenting and couples and it can get a bit samey. So actually, you bring a freshness to the game a lot of the time, you know? And then there are sometimes where it's just a bit like not for you. Like I would, listen, my friends over the years, they've invited me to the birthday parties and the different kids things. And I've gone to some, but I don't go to all because at the end of the day, like all, all the parents bring over their kids and the kids are having fun and then the parents are talking

about parenting and teachers and you know like they're just talking about like the parent shit and that's that's fine but i'm not like i'm not like down with the parent shit or you know the kids are running around so you can't have a proper conversation because every five minutes you're like oh just hey don't die don't don't do that you could die uh it's hard to like have a conversation when you're constantly have to keep your eye on the kids, you know. So I think it's also with the married friends, like just being the single friend.

I think it's about finding the times where when you go, it feels fun, or the times that you do feel a bit like, oh, I'm fucking, you know, Sarah, no relationship, and I can't, you know, I feel like I don't fit in, you know. So, and, you know, of course now, I'm very happily married now,

So it's even hard for me to think about, like, was I lonely at times? I, you know, I guess there were times, you know, because I'm, like, we're gigging, like, I'm gigging all the time. Like, I've always been busy with doing live shows. But I guess there were times where, like, you know, you'd be four or five nights on the road, particularly in Ireland where I would be, I drive, like, I drive to all those shows. And, you know, you'd go maybe like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then suddenly, like, Monday night, you're like, the fuck am I going to do now. No. But the, I mean, the good news about that is that you don't have to do anything, you know?

But obviously the bad news is that, yeah, sometimes it would be nice to just be coming home to somebody. But I promise you, talk to any married couple. They cherish the moments. By the way, I'm not speaking about myself. I'm speaking for all married couples. I think it's not controversial to say, like, sometimes it's like great to just. be on your own. Like, I don't mean out of the relationship. I just mean like they're away or they're out and you can just like watch your own shows on your own. So I would say actually,

this is what I think is a good mindset. I think you should just say, this is where I'm at right now. I'm going to ignore societal pressure. And I'm just going to embrace the positives about where I'm at now because it won't be like this forever, actually. And they will be a time where you'll find your person or certainly there'll be a time at least where you're willing to give a person a shot and that'll be a fun time in your life too. So I would say more look on the positive side of I just need to, you know, just appreciate everything that this life that I have now has to offer and we'll see what the future holds. Because, you know, at the end of the day, it is all just projection on something being better, you know. There's no right way.

to live a life that's the true i mean there's there's wrong things to do for yourself as a human but like there's no there's no wrong way to exist without harming other people you know what i mean so i think you just have to sort of almost like embrace it champion uh who you are and then see what happens i mean i definitely think it's worth making the effort to meet somebody I absolutely believe in the concept of a partnership can add to your life in ways that are hard to comprehend until you have it. So I think you can keep striving for that. But I also think that, you know, just say, for example, you meet somebody and everything's great. But there'll be times when you look back and like, God, you know, I wish I had appreciated that time more.

You know, even though this is great, that time was great too. So that's what I would say get into that mindset. And it's not a cop out either. You know, don't think it's like, well, I'm fucking, I'm so lonely, so I'll just pretend that I'm happy with this. I don't mean it like that. I mean, actually, you know, embrace it. Let's, sorry for those that are watching, I look away. I'm going into my, I'm going into my, the actual prompts are like on my computer.

Don't want to bore the listener with my admin. But, and I'm also, for those that are watching, I'm sorry that I'm quite red, because, it was i was not expecting the rider cup yesterday i was there by the way on sunday uh i wasn't expecting to be so hot and i got absolutely baked okay now here's something interesting this is somewhat connected let's have a listen hi does um we went to ireland this summer looking for your second family didn't find them thank goodness um that would have been horrible um my boyfriend and i I've been together for eight years. We love each other, super happy.

But he is very scared of getting married, even though we're very committed. His parents had a pretty bad divorce, and he's just been nervous about it. What do you think I should do? I love him, and I'm super happy with him, and have honestly no complaints. Just would love to get married eventually. Oh, I mean, isn't this. just a isn't this just a dilemma?

Because obviously you can hear that there's a happiness there which is great but of course it's impossible not to be like why can't we just get married

you know so it's a hard one to advise right because there's nothing wrong other than in the back of your mind, you're wondering why that won't happen. He's got some trauma from his parents' divorce, which, again, is understandable, but also, here's the thing. So just one thing I'll say about the fact that his parents had a terrible divorce

and he doesn't want to get married, is whether you're married or not, other than the legality of divorce, your breakup would be just as traumatic, you know? So it's basically just like a breakup without marriage. It's just a breakup with less admin if you get what I mean. So his aversion to getting married is like it's understandable. You never want to like, you don't want to attack somebody. But it's also like it's not going to.

it's not going to save you from the pain that you witnessed as a kid, you know, whatever happened for his parents. There is, to me, to me, there is just a next level of commitment to marriage that definitely means something, particularly now that I'm married, you know, it's like there's like a commitment to like doing this life. together that you really don't have until you're married. Now, in saying that, I will say, because this is what I thought immediately

when I read the transcript of this prompt, was, is there a middle ground? Is there a way without marriage, without the paperwork, that he could up the level of commitment? I don't mean like fidelity commitment. I mean like commitment to a future together that has meaning and means something to you because that's the only issue with all this for me

is you've been together for eight years and you have a life together and you're happy. So there's just no reason to do anything other than, you know, life is short actually like in the sense that like you have this period of time where you're young enough to like, you know, are you going to have a family, different things? And I'm not saying that kids have anything to do with it,

but I'm just saying that, like, there's, like, certain windows. And as you get older, you realize, like, oh, shit, I never realized that, like, time, I could be past the time where something's kind of doable. But the older you get, the more you realize, like, oh, yeah, there's windows, you know? And so it's very understandable for you at some stage to be like, hey, we're doing this life together,

but I'm just not feeling 100% confident enough that we're in this together for the long haul. So it's like you don't want to rock the boat on what is really a great relationship, but at the same time, your fear is very rational about like, you know, how can I feel comfortable that we're going to sort of go for?

Now, you can never know for sure, but you just want some sort of reassurance. And if marriage is sort of a red line or something that he doesn't want to go. And I'm very into the arguments around, like, marriage being outdated. Like, I totally am open to that discussion. But I still think that there has to be some way to, you know, to like feel like the commitment to the future is there. And I don't know how to articulate that.

I don't know how to put that across. And I certainly don't wind you going and putting an ultimatum to him and being like, well, fucking Des messed up my relationship. But I think I think you get my drift, though, like, is there a way to get some level of feeling like there's a higher level of commitment to the future without getting married? And I do not know what that is.

and there may be a naivity in what I'm saying. But I do, you know, I think it's understandable after eight years that you would feel something, you know? Particularly if you guys want to have kids and stuff. I don't know how old you, you know, that kind of stuff, that's the kind of stuff that's like real. And romance is beautiful and the wonderful life is beautiful. But eventually there's just like,

there's just questions and things that you can no longer, like, avoid. And that's fine. like it's that's the thing you know it's like it it's it's just life just fucking gets in the way sometimes it's huge like tragedy and sometimes it's just small which is just like yo if we're in this together we got to make some like together decisions and that's that's okay I think you're going to figure it out because I think you guys have a great relationship um but you know great question I mean, again, this is one where I wish we could have the dialers chime in. Don't be afraid to chime in in in the Spotify comments or in my DMs.

Or indeed, if you want to chime in on the Telby, leave a message because we can revisit next week. I do say, I wish I had Hannah here now for that. Although, you know, Hannah can be quite, Hannah's more direct. Sometimes Hannah can be less diplomatic with the relationship stuff, which is not a criticism but she's just I don't know what she would say but she'd probably be like break up with them that's 50% of how his relationship solutions are

break up with them so I can't speak for what she would say forgive me I'm taking a sip of water okay do we go oh let's go for this is this is interesting hey does miss you Hannah

what's your advice for dating an older man who's 53 I'm 41 my first time dating somebody in their 50s. He is a really nice guy. He hears me out. He does all the good things, calls, makes a plan, you know, the bare minimum stuff that we crave. And, but, you know, he has a little bit of old school in him where he calls girls chicks and was surprised to see funny comedians at an improv show. So just wondering how to navigate this, but I like him with everything else.

Yeah, I mean, that's kind of funny, calls girls chicks. I mean, some of that, I mean, you can just be like, hey, just if you could not curl cool girls chicks in front of me. I mean, I don't think that's like, you know, I think sometimes you can get a little caught up and like, you know, like guys being a bit like of a different generation. like i don't i don't think that's too much of an issue i don't think i think it's totally fine though if you don't you know if you're not comfortable with that i think it's totally fine to be like hey you know i would prefer that you didn't say that you know i don't think it's a big deal i guess i guess it's also kind of in your mind like how how sort of not backward but just like how much stuff like that, is there in his brain?

Some of it is age-related. Some of it's just a personality. I mean, I would just think that's something you got to figure out. Like, everybody does annoying shit. At least maybe his annoying shit has an excuse, like a reason, which is just a bit older. He's a crabby Gen X like me. And you're a millennial who, you know,

came through in an era where people were more thoughtful with their language. I mean, that's basically the big difference, right? It's like you came up in a generation. Well, every generation has those moments. But like the thing is that like everything we thought is Gen Xers, you know, that we tackled. The next generation came back and they found stuff with us that was like a bit dated or made people uncomfortable. And you either rebel against it, you know. Sometimes you rebel against it for good reasons.

Sometimes you rebel against it because you're antiquated and you're being a dick. You know, and at the end of the day, that that is just a generational difference that you're going to encounter it when there's an age gap in a relationship. I would think that's a pretty minor transgression. I understand your fears of like, what do I do if there's just, they keep coming and eventually I just like can't get over it? You know, I think, like, I think that, you know, that's one that you can just, that you can just say. I just think that it's one of those things where, like, if you're, if there's just, if it becomes relentless where you just find yourself having to sort of turn a blind eye to behavior and language that you think is inappropriate or like just not not respectful of people or demeaning, I think eventually then you have to be like, is this too much for me? But I would think that the age-related ones, you know, ones where he might not, he might just not know, you know. He may be somebody who literally was never said, like, you shouldn't refer to women as chicks, particularly in front of me.

He may have never been told that. So he may have no idea that it even makes you uncomfortable, you know. And I know that some people will be like, how could he have no. idea but like that's that's part of listen i could bore you to death about my issues around you know sort of language that's acceptable not acceptable like one thing i will say and i i very rarely discuss like cancel culture or any of this stuff and i'm not going to be discussing it now the only thing i will say is there have been times where people have been not given enough grace for just not knowing something you know and i'm

I'm not trying to dismiss any problematic behavior, but there are just times where people did not realize that what they were saying was a problem and they have experienced the full force of the internet mob. And so he may just not know. And it's okay to point it out. And I think like it's more his reactions to the pointing out that would be more of like a red flag

that you should pay attention to. By the way, I'm not saying it's definitely going to be a red flag. I'm just saying that like his reaction to being told like, hey, like we don't, you know, we don't love being called chicks. You know, if he's like, you're a fucking snowflake, then maybe then you have to go, oh, okay. All right, maybe this guy is a little too old for me, or a little too, not just old, but sort of like behaviorally, uh, too far away from where I'm at. And I think it should be fine.

You know, there's pros and cons to having a bit of a generation gap in a relationship. I mean, it's a very, like, it's a very healthy age gap, like 41 to 53. You know, you're in your 40s, you know? Like, it's a fine time to be enjoying a relationship with a guy that age, you know. The gap isn't that huge. It's probably a little bit of his personality also. So I think, you know, bring up the stuff that really bugs you. I think it's fine to just, like, not let some of the minor stuff bug you at all.

And, like, see how it goes. Honestly, the bigger issue, really, with the age gap is, does he still have energy to do the shit that you guys want to do together with you, you know? and see how it goes and marry him because you'll inherit the money earlier. The other pro. That's a joke, by the way. Don't cancel me. I mean, Hannah has a lot of like, you know, age gap jokes and stuff like that. There's loads of fun in that.

And, you know, you can just embrace it. Listen, as I always say, it's pros and cons, you know. With his extra 12 years of this life, you get an extra 12 years of wisdom, mistakes that he's made, things that he's learned. So you get a bit of that. But on the flip side, you know, he's calling women chicks and you're like, oh, God, what's that about? So you take the good with the bad and then you just figure out what you can tolerate and what you can't. You guys, I have an announcement with Revolve.

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Hey, Des. Good luck on your solo episode this week. I know you tend to go a little more deep when you go solo. It must be that NPR background. But I did need some advice. My husband and I are going through fertility treatment. I'm currently in the two-week wait, meaning I just literally have to wait and see if it worked. You know, the podcast has been a great distraction, but with only one episode a week, I was seeing if you could give me any advice on other things. I could do to try to get my mind off, hopefully something that brings joy. Maybe you had a time when you just had to wait and you found a new hobby or something that really just actually distracted your mind, not just go for a walk because I'm already doing that. And all I think about is if the treatment's going to work or not. So thank you for any advice. Love you and Hannah both. Bye. Well, first of all, great, great bit of openness about what you're going through. And I have to say, I have in recent years, gotten to know a lot of people who have had very difficult fertility journeys.

And I have to say, I did not realize the level of emotional turmoil that people go through, particularly around IVF and everything. I have one very good friend, and she really went through, like, a lot. emotionally more than I could possibly imagine and didn't experience a ton of understanding from like people in her life. And it really helped me to see like how traumatic that can be. So first of all, thanks for just like putting it out there because I think it's good for people to understand. You know, because I certainly, I've known loads of people who have had children through IVF. I've known some people that hasn't worked. But I never. understood until recently and I obviously I can't understand fully but I've never understood until

recently just like how much goes into it and like how damaging it can be you know to a relationship financially so tough uh like I hate to bring up severance but you know an episode in my opinion that should have won best directing for the Emmys um the flashback episode uh they I don't want to give any spoilers, but there's a section where their fertility journey is represented and, you know, it's integral to some of the, you know, the things that develop within their relationship in a way that, like, really helps you to understand just how tough that is for a couple. So, in saying that, your question was particularly around distraction, which obviously I can't

appreciate the fertility stress. But I can identify with just times in your life where there's something pressing that can be impossible to escape in your mind. And a lot of that has to do with like trying to like not let your thoughts, you know, take you over. And that's hard, right? Because the distraction stuff, that's like the easy part. But you're never going to be distracted all the time. I always leaned hard on exercise. Like, I found exercise to be a great distractor.

But to me, a distractor is like a Tylenol, like you know the pain is coming back. So, like, sport for me, it's always sport. Like exercise, yes, but I actually prefer, like, a game that I can get lost in that. But that might not be a good one for you because you mentioned people say take a walk. I've actually found, I've never found walking to be a great distractor. I find Walker to just be a great way to ruminate even more.

So other than exercise, like I do love finding like an awesome, you know, binge watch, you know, just to really just like get lost in that. Perhaps if there's any of the old long, like six, seven, season classics perhaps that you haven't watched like The Sopranos or Mad Men or The Wire or Breaking Bad or something that women like. I'm such a fucking man with my suggestions on TV shows.

But you know, just like really addictive season after season shows that perhaps just passed you by. This would be a good time to delve into them. you know like when the thoughts really take over like that is hard man like and i have definitely had it in my life like obviously a lot of times when i'm talking about advice like i go back to the early days of my recovery like giving up drugs and alcohol but you know one of the things that really was damaging to me or what i found so difficult was that i could not shut off my mind at all. And I know that like the meditation people would be like, well, you're not

shutting off your mind. You're just not allowing it to have as much power over you. But whatever. That's just semantics. At the end of the day, I was tortured by my thoughts. And in this case, those thoughts were just like negative language in my mind. But it's still the same thing. You're just like, you know, your thinking is running your life. you know um but what i what i have found throughout my life is that it's it's not just about distraction it is also about just trying to like not let your mind have as much control over your emotions because even though it sounds like well this isn't about an emotional thing but it is like the thoughts are triggering worry and then the worry you're triggering thoughts like you

are in like almost like an anxiety loop or certainly you know I would say some of the inability to escape the thinking is is fear driven right and it's it's totally understandable I mean this is like this is one of the big things in life this is not one of the small things so it's very understandable but as we used to say in early recovery eternal vigilance is the price of freedom. So it is like one of those things where it's like, yes, 100% totally excusable that you would be in this situation. But do we want to try in some way to experience just like at least moments of calm and peace throughout this turmoil? Then I think it is just good to try. I don't know if meditation is a good word because it can be off-putting for people.

but like to try an exercise that's not about distraction but actually about quietening the mind. In other words, just getting some semblance of not letting your thinking take you over as much. And there is new, there's so much material out there, whatever floats your boat in terms of some sort of practice, even practice makes it sound a bit Buddhist, but like there's just so many ways to distract yourself and they're all valid, but also just finding a way to just have your mind, have that, just to touch less control, that can be helped by some sort of practice of mindfulness. It's even hard to say the word without feeling like a fucking wanker, but

I don't think we need to be ashamed of saying the word mindfulness. Anything that just helps your mind to have the touchless control over your emotion, you know, to not get into that loop. I do think that helps. It's always helped me. And by the way, I promise you, I am not a regular

practitioner. I'm more often than not a crisis manager. but even crisis management like even the you know just being reminded because the turmoil is so immense in my brain even just reminded like oh shit I don't actually have the ability to not stay on top of this because when I don't like now I don't mean like now I just mean like in this particular situation like hypothetical that I'm giving you here I am again in like mental and emotional turmoil you know and it doesn't i can be a little bit more prepared that's all you know and without any harsh language of like you fucking idiot like Leonardo decaprio and uh once once upon a time in

hollywood you know he's like you fucking idiot you can't fucking act you fucking loser uh you got to be gentle with yourself um but at the same time you know it's always good to just be like what can I do to make my life better? Anyway, I hope that helps. Please feel free to disregard because I'm very sympathetic to what you're going through emotionally. So I don't actually think that it's that easy to distract yourself. So the more direct answer to your question is indulge in a serious binge, one that'll get you through the two weeks.

Two weeks. We'll be looking We'll be visiting that again in two weeks All right Let's We got a lot of Relationship ones, I have to say It does

I just saw the picture Hannah posted of you And My question to you is How do you keep your skin So glory and dewy. Yeah, just drop the skincare routine.

And please not say you use the same towel on your face that you do on your balls. Okay. Thanks. Bye. Love you. Okay, so, first of all, a little bit of bad news. I definitely use the same towel, and I apologize for that. But I did not know that I was supposed to use a separate towel for my face extend the rest of my body. So that's number one.

Number two, I don't have much of a skincare routine. First of all, I don't think I actually have great skin. I think what you're, what you're noticing, I'm going to let out a secret about myself. I am not too inclined to allow pictures of me to exist that don't have good lighting. I can't stand harsh lighting. which accentuates all your imperfections. I don't think I've hidden the fact that vanity is my favorite sin,

as Al Pacino said in The Devil's Advocate. I'm very vain. My parents were very vain. They bred it into me, but I'll take responsibility for myself. I'm vain. And I'm very picky about photos of myself that I put out. So I don't think I have a great skincare routine. I think what you're noticing is that I only allow pictures of me in the wild out that have good lighting.

Every now and then, a bad lighting one gets away from me. But in general, it's a lighting thing. Life is all about lighting. It's only gotten better over the years. So, number one, make your life about lighting. Now my skincare routine, pretty simple. I moisturize my face. But here's the crazy thing.

I don't have like a facial moisture. I just use a non-scented moisturizer all over my body. Now, I know that some will disagree, and there are plenty of makeup artists out there that will say, oh my God, you're going to ruin your face. But years ago, actually, when I was doing Dancing with the Stars in Ireland, a makeup artist told me that if it doesn't bother your face, then it's fine. And I have quite sensitive skin, but it's sensitive everywhere, not just on my face. So any moisturizer I use

That doesn't cause a reaction on the rest of me Works fine on my face I always like a light one anyway I don't like a thick one I don't think I have a great skincare routine But I do moisturize I get too much sun though Which is bad

And I've got crow's feet lines From playing golf in the sun So trust me It's not as dewy as you think The photo that Hannah posted which was actually, we were freezing cold at the Tennis Hall of Fame induction ceremony on that first night. And I actually had that blanket over my head, not as a joke.

I was actually freezing, listening to Maria Sharpova. That's an odd sentence to say. But the lighting was very good in that place. Whatever way they lit the room, the lighting was very gentle, so that photo was allowed to survive. Actually, to be honest with you, I told Hannah not to post that photo. She tried to post that photo numerous times, but I couldn't complain about her posting the photo yesterday because it was to help the solo episode of the pod. so that was a photo that finally got out but at least the lighting was good that's the main thing and listen i hate to be the guy that's admitting this level of self-obsession with how i look

but it's true all right i'm vain i hate signs of aging i'm nearly 50 i was gray young i accepted that but I don't want to look cold in my face. I haven't done anything to my face yet. I'm trying not to be that guy, though. I think a lot of us are over it, but I'm trying not to be that guy. But it's hard. Societal pressure, earlier theme from the episode.

It's hard not to want to tighten up that skin. But I haven't done Botox and I haven't done filler. And long may my resistance to such age-fighting remedies exist. But never say never, that's all I'll say. So actually, I don't have a skincare routine. And it's just lighting, actually, just so you know. So don't feel any pressure based on seeing images of me

and going like, oh, he's got great skin. It's just lighting. All right, we're getting close to the end here. I hope this has been okay for you guys. You know, I feel like it's been smooth, but not like super funny, you know? But I hope you've enjoyed passing the time with me. You know, I, I listen to like a New York Mets pod every day,

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So hey guys, I've been recording for 52 minutes and we haven't talked about death once. Did you think you were getting away with a full solo episode of Burnaphone with me and we weren't going to talk about grief? Well, you were mistaken. So let's finish off with this. Hey, Des, hey, Hannah, even though you're not here.

Yeah, I was just calling because I feel like Des is a little bit of a grief expert. But, yeah, I just saw my grandma and we're really, really close, kind of closer than me and my mom. it kind of feels like losing my mom in a way. So, yeah, just how to get through this. And is it always this bad? Like, does it always suck this bad for this long? I feel like it must get better. But, yeah, it's just really sad.

But, yeah, thanks. Well, the first thing I could say direct answer to your question, absolutely it gets better. That is without a doubt. Just don't forget, look out at the vast expanse of humanity. And a larger percentage of those people have dealt with grief. And, you know, they all manage to figure out a way to move forward. So you're not alone.

It's going to get better. And it's fun to share it. And it's always important to share it. It's important to share it with anybody, but I think it always helps to share it with people who understand, you know, because as much as we don't want to be dismissive of people's help, you know, like, when people just like who haven't, don't understand fully what you're feeling say things like, it'll get better, or time is a great healer, you know, all the cliches, it can just feel dismissive and like not really help.

But I promise you, because I've been through. the grandparent grief and the parent grief. And I feel like yours is a bit more like parent grief in terms of how important this person was to you. It definitely gets better. And the moments where you're like, oh, I'll call my girl, oh, you know, like that stuff, that gets better. That happens less and less, you know.

And the triggers, the memories get less and less. but it's very hard at the beginning because their presence is still everywhere. You know, your expectation of them being there, it's still there. You know, that takes a long time to get used. That's just like whatever about emotion, it's just like human behavior, like almost like a habit. Like this sounds dismissive, but like part of grief is breaking a habit, you know? like scientifically that is you know but you can't deal with grief in the same way that you can break a habit but there's there's elements of you know more distance from habits like they

they are not part of who you are anymore you know um the great thing about grief is there in you forever you know like one of the ways that i console myself about grief is that you know, you wouldn't be feeling this pain if you hadn't had so much wonderful time with this person, meaningful, impactful time, you know? So grief is almost like, not a punishment, that's a weird thing, but like grief is the price of just something so wonderful, you know. So it just sucks. That's the thing that's very hard to explain is like it just sucks, you know, and it does take time.

Those are the cliches that you can't escape from. You know, it's a funny thing about grandparents because my grandmother died in 1998 and she was the only grandparent that I had. My other, my dad's mother was alive, but she was like in a home in the south of England. for all our lives. So I actually never met my father's mother. I went to her funeral. So the first time I saw her in person, she was lying in state.

So I had a sadness at her funeral that, like, was weird because I just felt bad for my dad. And I, you know, but like my dad wasn't there. I won't, listen, that could, we could go down a long, read my book. Read my book. my dad was nearly James Bond to read about the complicated relationship my father had with his mother. But anyway, she wasn't a part of my life.

More importantly, my grandmother, my nanny, nanny, as we called her, she was a huge part of my life. And, you know, she's from West Cork, and she was with us all the time. You know, she minded me as a kid. You know, she came to all summers we spent. She'd come to the pool club with us in Mineola. she was like very important to me and and i'm not saying this is what went on for you but you know you said like you're kind of closer to her than your than your own mother like i'm not going to

compare what you were saying but i'm going to tell you my own personal story of the grandparent versus parent relationship my grandmother was very loving you know like i always felt safe and loved by my grandmother in a way that perhaps i didn't feel as much with my own mother. But I don't want that to come across as a criticism of my mother. I think a lot of people have the sensation of love from their grandparents because they're not disciplining you. They don't have the same role. You know, so it is easy to, I feel like as I, particularly now, as time has gone by, you know, I think about my relationship with my mother. I, you know, you get the I'm around so many people raising their kids and you know you do even though I don't

have my own kids yet you do start to understand that there were things that maybe I was critical of of my mother about that were just like unavoidable in terms of just like the role that a mother slash parent needs to take right but at the same time like that love is like essential to me you know that feeling that my grandmother gave me, huge part of my life, huge part of my childhood. And, you know, I was, I was already a comedian. I was in my 20s when my grandmother died. I was 22 going on 23. She died in like August of 1998.

I actually had to go on, the night, the day my mother called me, it was a Saturday night. I was in Cork City. And I had a show that night that I had to do. I flew out the next day, compassionate airfare. Aer Lingus, but I did do the show that night in city limits in Cork City. And then I went back to New York. But so, you know, she was a part of my life until adulthood. And it killed me, you know, but I did get over it.

And, you know, the one thing I will say is the sad part about why you're feeling so hurt is because grandparents are just so goddamn loving and it leaves a hole you know the loss is immense because of that the loss of that love you know but the good news is that you got it you know and there's really nothing else to say other than it does get better but it just sucks and i've I've had friends recently that have gone through the tougher grief of one of my friends lost his wife. Young. They're young. Well, they're my age.

Young for getting widowed. And I've seen that level of grief intensity that I can only sympathize. I have never felt. And even he has like, it gets. better even though it still sucks that's the whole thing it's like sometimes i feel like with grief people feel guilty for getting on with their lives but like eventually it just does happen like and it will happen for you but it's also okay to be hurting now you know so you'll be fine we'll all be fine and so many people listen this right now i've been through it parents grandparents

maybe spouse you know i like people have been through it god forbid like a child like there's just so many levels to grief and tragedy and you will you will be fine that's the one thing that i can say but but it's also fine to be hurting and i hope just sharing it out out loud helped you a little bit but cry when you feel it um you know share share it with somebody when you feel like sharing it But, you know, I think it's good, too. The last thing I will say is, I think it's good, too, when it's a bit intense to, like, distract yourself from it or, like, maybe not put yourself in a situation

where you're getting triggered all over the place with memories, you know? I mean, I was, I also had that where I constantly was, like, going back to a place where these people never lived, you know? My parents and my grandmother, I would admit, even though my grandmother was from Ireland originally, but like after you know we dealt with all the admin of death I would always be back in our and then where like I didn't have a lot of memories with these people so the only thing I can share from that experience is it's a little easier when you subtract yourself at times

from all the memories and that's okay too you know you don't have to be hurting all the time you don't have to be sad all the time but anyway I'm over talking on it it will get better So I hope everybody I hope everybody enjoyed the episode I I oh we do this is kind of silly You know what, let's finish with this This is funny and silly

We'll finish with this I'm sorry guys It's been a long episode but who cares If you've made it this far You're still here let's do this one because it's fun And it's silly Hi mom and dad Prom suggestion I feel like we need more advice from you guys

I'm falling apart over here I feel like we could call it burning questions of the week I don't know if I made that up or you guys made that up I don't know I'm tired but yes burning questions of the week and my burning question right now is I need advice about dating men again

after being with a woman for five years it's just completely different with a woman when you're talking you know right away if they're interested in you you do the whole U-Haul thing you're codependent as fuck right away But with men, I feel like there's more games that need to be played. And it reminds me of when I was in college,

but I feel like I shouldn't be doing the college games that I played. So is there an adult way of playing games with the man? I don't know. Just help me out, please. And for the record, I still like women. I just need a little change. Okay, bye. Well, first of all, I think you need to find a guy that is into you being bisexual.

you know, which I don't think it would be that hard to find, you know. And I would think there's a lot of men out there that are very comfortable with it. But, you know, oh, God, I actually, I probably said this before, but couldn't talk about it. Because, as you know, since we talk about double standards in relationships, I am a lot more comfortable with Hannah talking about her exes than she is when I talk about it. But anyway, she's not here now. So I dated a woman in your situation who was like in a lesbian, various lesbian relationships for a long time.

And then was like back going for men. And, you know, I can't, I wish I had some advice. I, you know, all I remember is being a lot more paranoid. But when I was going down on her being like, Gosh, you've had all the fucking experts down here. But, uh, I, you know, I, I, I think, you know, you're talking about the, like, you know, the games and I, I think, honestly, I think you just don't play. Just fuck the games.

I, like, I am always like, fuck the games. If a guy's playing games, just abort, eject, you know, that's what I think. Because basically, if they're playing games, they're. mature you know so just find a guy that is immediately up front honest and isn't fucking around with the games so my advice in this situation is don't bother with the games it's tough enough you know what it's like on the other side you know what it's like being with women and not having to deal with what's annoying about men right so you know if men are going to have any shot with you because obviously

I'm sure some of this is like sexual too you know you just you want you know whatever whatever whatever floats your boat I think find a guy that's not into playing games and

just gives you what you want there's just so many fucking clowns out there just like avoid him find a good guy and hope it works out and hopefully he's like comfortable with you being bisexual and then you don't have to settle then you can just be like yo every now and then i'm heading over there i gotta be honest i think there's plenty of guys that'd be comfortable with

that you know uh so find that guy i don't know where they hang out um you know but that guy that guy exists for sure uh i'd say he's more common than you think so Good luck. Good luck out there. By the way, this came in pre-it's going to be a solo episode for advice. This actually just came in randomly. And coincident enough, she got what she was asking for, but, you know. So I wish, I'm sure she would have liked a bit of feedback from Hannah on that one. But no games, only a fun guy, get an open-minded guy that lets you have the best of both worlds.

And you deserve it, you know? and maybe this is controversial, and maybe I'm going to get in trouble for closing the episode of it's saying this. And this is a double standard, right? But as far as I'm concerned, woman and male relationship, when a woman fools around with another woman,

it's not cheating. And crucify me if you want. But if you're a guy and you're with a woman and she's like, yo, I was with a woman last night, I'd be like, high-five, high-five, good for you. Plus,

you know, no STDs in the lesbian world, really. So, good luck to you. I wish you the best. Anyway, everybody else, we're out of here. Come see me in Nashville, Atlanta, Syracuse. I'm back in Ireland in November.

Oh, I'm in Fort Lauderdale, don't forget. 17th and 18th of October Nashville and Atlanta are the week before that midweek shows Syracuse also on a Saturday then I go to Ireland in November got a ton of shows over there then I'm back Portland Seattle

and then in the new year I am in Toronto Los Angeles San Diego Rochester I just booked anyway tons of shows Desbishop.net or punchup.Live.Live slash Desbishop also which is where you'll be directed if you go to desbishop.net anyway.

I know I keep saying I'm putting up my new special, but I've been editing it and I'm just like, I'm being, oh, I just can't make any final decisions. But it's good. Wasn't happy about the lighting. That's, that'll, honestly, part of the delay is my vanity. So, uh, we'll talk to you guys soon. If you want to watch this episode, I'm putting it on YouTube.

Okay. And other than that, have a good day. See you next week.