Berner Phone - Berner Phone 111: Relationship Hypocrisy

Episode Date: October 8, 2025

Chris is back and we're in studio. The vibes are high and we're discussing double standards in relationships.  get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows

Hi, it's Hannah Burner And Des Bishop Thanks for calling the burner phone If you leave a message after the tone We may have to make it into a podcast I know you guys thought I was gone But you can't get rid of me bitch That's a TikTok sound

Is it? You can't get rid of my bitch Hannah was like No She was like no I have a few things to talk about first before I have a couple more Okay Anyway, guys, look, Des says he's...

Welcome to Burnerphone. Welcome, Burnerphone. Mom and dad are here. I'm not leaving the pod ever. Today is going to be fun because we're talking about relationships. And I wanted to just tell you that people have asked me, like, how do you know your relationship's going to last? Like, yeah, you guys hit it off in the beginning, but long term. How do you know he's going to be there for you during all the ups and downs and the trials and tribulations and the lows?

And I was like, I know to my core he's going to be there for me because he's a Mets fan. That's not bad. That's not bad, Hannah, because I know suffering. But also, you know, the great hip-hop song, started from the bottom now we're here. Drake. It's pretty stressful in year one. So we know we're going to stick together. Anyway, we're also in studio.

So if our chemistry is insane, that's why. And speaking of studio. Speaking of... Who's here? Chris. Chris, they still mention you in the prompts. Because I guess we established that you're editing. Yeah.

But so they still feel like you're there, but you haven't... It's hard to believe, but I don't think you've been on the mic with us for over a year. And while... He's changed. He's matured. He's been through his own trials and tribulations. Yeah. Lots of trials.

Honestly, most men, as they get older, they begin to experience the thinning of the hair. Yeah. Somehow, your hair gets fuller every time I see her. We're letting a grow out right now. But, Chris, once you get the grays, you'll actually start getting female attention. That's true. I'm trying to be like Big Desi, dude. No, I ended up in a weird TikTok algorithm where it's just like all these, like, girls in their 20s being like,

they told me an older man was bad for me, but he's been great. And I'm like, why do you think I care? Because you've been listening to them. No, well, no. Because all you have to do is listen to one. and then they're like, this is their algorithm. The algorithm's so annoying. There'll be like a video that tricks me

into listening to it full time, and it'll be about like what color dresser goes best in your bedroom. And next thing you know it's all dresses for the next 24 hours on my TikTok. It's crazy. So anyway, we got two prompts today because it's got a little confused.

You love a double prompt. Well, I don't actually, but originally you said you weren't going to be there. And potentially if I was going to be on my own or with a guest host, we changed the prompt to family secrets that you shouldn't know, but you do know. Which is going to be fucked up. I'm very excited.

Which we may or may not get to because I had been holding on to a prompt to do with you, which was double standards in relationships. So now that you're here, we definitely have to tackle that one. You know? Yeah, double standards and relationships. But last week I actually posted the full video of the episode, and I think we're going to do that again today. So if anybody's watching, Chris is responsible for the decor.

I thought you're going to say the edit if it comes up late. Because they already think that. Hannah mentioned before we started recording that it's hard to believe that Chris did, you know, a man's touch did this on his own. Well, he designed all these things. He went to Home Depot and he did all this without a woman's touch. And I said, Chris, this is incredible. And Des was like, well, you can tell. I said that's why it's so brown.

It's very brown. And then I feel like we should be like pitching ads in the early 70s. It's very madman. Yes, we're going to slap a secretary's ass when she leaves. Yeah, I'm going to start smoking. Like fucking Dave Chappelle,

oh, I'm really railing against the system. I smoke. It's giving scotch. Yeah, it's giving scotch. Exactly. Also, the fact that I know that you're sober, but the fact you haven't been asked to do a scotch advertisement is crazy.

See, not that I'm business-minded, and I'm like, I feel like there's some brands that could really use. your promo. Viagra. Listen, I have numerous... Tylenol, especially after their recent bad press.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, I'd be like, hey, you should take Tylenol. However, do you know that I can multiply 64 times 123? Not only my good looking, my back doesn't hurt end. But, no, but

I, what really bothers me, and my agent actually mentioned it, he says, how you have not been offered like a hair brand. Oh, my God. A gray shampoo, like a purple shampoo. Come on. Come on.

What's it, Caristas? Caristas. Oh, yes. That's a high-end stuff. Yeah, come on. Also, at least a Jose Bank. Who's that? Do you know what it is?

Joseph A Bank. You don't know Jose Bank? I don't know Jose. It's the cheap. I don't know if it's cheap, actually. I've never been. But it's a suit brand that all the guys, they're like three for one.

Yeah. three for one, Jose Bank. Yeah, come on, Jose, I'm ready for some, I'm ready to make some bank, so give me a call. At least a Salino and Barnes, I don't know, something. Salino and Barnes, they had a bad separation. Also, I think one of them was passed. One of them is dead, and there's a, there was a spoof musical. I hope he got some life insurance on that.

It was a spoof musical about the breakup of a relationship. Oh, wow. That's very close. Selinaw and Barnes, Injury attorneys, 800, 8888, 888. That's how we go to sleep every night. That's what it sinks to me. That's our lullaby. Lollaby.

There was something I was about to say. Oh, I was going to say, though, on Gingley Squad, I talked about, you know, if I were to start a business, I would love. And there needs to be a reason, right? Like, there needs to be a purpose, whether it's, like, giving a charity or, like, fighting change somehow. You know, in this crazy capitalist America. And then I realized I wanted to be taking advantage of men's insecurities. So I would do, like, a serum that's, like, really expensive and be like, you're going to have cheekbones like Desmond. this is what he uses and you'd be my model and be like look how you know his skin looks based on the serum and then just like have the feed go to all these like ugly men and be like buy this four hundred dollar serum look like does bishop well i don't know why you're speaking so negatively about it where you should just sell it why do you have to make it sound like it would be a scam because it is it is they can't all look like you dad with a compliment yeah but now we can't that's and page is like that is messed up and i said that's literally what women's products are

Exactly. You're literally living here. Like, you should see, even when, like, I'm getting my makeup done, I'll be looking at, like, a makeup artist page. And I'm like, ooh, I like that makeup. And she's like, babe, it's because the girl's hot. Like, you're not going to look like it. Yeah, but that's all marketing.

It's so true. It's so true. Even, like, clothes. Like, when I put on the clothes, it doesn't look the same way all the time, depending on my bloat. But I did want to just very quickly point out that back in, like, 1999, I did do a beer commercial for harp logger. How old were you?

Coincidentally enough, I was too young to do the commercial. I lied about my age because there was a restriction in Ireland at the time. You had to be over, you had to be 24 to do a beer ad, so I lied about my age. They didn't check an ID. That's crazy. I got good money, but you know, decent money. Anyway, I was sober then. Yeah.

And there was like a drinking scene. And it was like a whole to do. I was like, listen, I can't, I got to spit it out, you know. And anyway, in the end, it was fine. But, you know, it was like. That was your relapse. So you got hammered on set. But it was hard because, you know, that they run it, they run a light through your sleeve.

They run like a wire through your sleeve. And then there's like a bulb in your hand to illuminate the paint. Movie magic. Movie magic, yeah. Anyway, that was fun. Wow. So I would gladly advertise a cognac. And my father, in his modeling years and his advertising years, he had to drive like a Lamborghini.

He never had to drive his license in his life. He lied. And then he had to drive a bloody car. And you guys, this is what I mean about my whole. when I can go through hard times. He's sober and did a whole alcohol ad. Exactly. He didn't relapse.

Yeah, and I've been working around booze all my life. Chris, have you ever had a cognac? A cognac? Yeah, I've had a cognac before. Are the Gen Z boys, like, drinking scotch after a long day? I don't think so. I don't think they're drinking it at all. Are you going to a cigar bar?

I'm not Andrew Tate, I don't think. The cigar bar and having a fine... Oh, no, I know some. Ronnie Cheng likes a whiskey. I just like... I like to check out on Chris every now and then, because obviously he works very closely with Giggly Squad, but I don't know what other male podcast he's been doing that could radicalize him.

Are you cheating on Giggly Squad? No, he's allowed to work for their people. I just want to make sure it's not getting radicalized. I don't really have any like broie bro podcast, no. No? That's where the money is. That's where the money. I'll tell you right now, for a nearly 50-year-old white guy,

my sort of soft liberal takes are really not cutting it in the fucking bank balance. But I'm staying true to my, true to my word. I ain't going to Saudi Arabia. We ain't talking about that because there's, everybody's already had their two cents and we're moving on. Anyway, today's prompt is double standards in relationships. Do you think we're going to get in a fight? No, I don't think.

We've never forgotten a real fight. Hey, Chris, stick to the mail podcast. Let's try one. We'll get in a little. I was going to say squirrel. What's it called? A little squirrel. Squirmish, squirmish, it's a squeaky quarrel.

It's a squeaky quarrel. We're going to get a squeaky quarrel? You always complain about me Leaving the toilet seat up But you always leave your makeup bag in the sink You actually do You actually do And I never call you out on it

Because I'm like a cool wife And it's I'm up to here Okay well I'm up to here with the makeup bag Being in the sink Well it's because we don't have a countertop So there will always be an excuse On his side just so you know There's always an excuse on your side

Okay, well, I didn't make an excuse. You made, your excuse was that I always have excuses. So, hit us with one, Chris. So I'm in a long-distance, casual relationship, and I can see that he's active on Tinder. And it's like, why are you actually going out with other people? Meanwhile, I did just go on a date last night, so, you know, but he shouldn't actually be going out with other people.

interesting I mean this is just I mean I always feel that that is the issue in these situations where it's like hey it's long distance

we're allowed to see other people but it's almost as if you have to be like but hey don't make me aware that you're seeing other people but this this day and age it has the app so a lot of time like

everyone's aware when a guy or a girl's still on the app when you're friends and be like he's on hinge he's on Tinder he's on Raya like that was very quick to go around. Yes. But then sometimes guys will be like, yeah, I have it.

But like I didn't, I'm not using it. Yeah. I mean, listen, you guys are seeing other people so you can't be upset. But I guess she's obviously joking in the light heart, a double standard of it. But I also think you use that to be like if you're seeing someone casually, if it really irks to you, he's seeing other people, maybe you like him. Maybe you want to make it. No, but I think they're casual because they're long distance. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I don't know where you are, but there's men everywhere. Yeah, well, you can't have your cake and eat it, you know? Actually, I just said there's men everywhere, but I have to say, I was just in Grand Rapids, Michigan. And the Uber drivers in the Midwest, chatty Kathy's. They love to chat. And you know what? I'm in the car with them.

I'm like, tell me what's going on with your family. Oh. So this one guy was like, oh, my week without the kids. So I was like, what are you up to? And he's like, I don't know. Like, it's really hard to date. And I was like, are you on the apps? And he's like, there's the same four people on the app every.

time. Like, I'm not in a nice, in like a big city. I have a little town. And he's like, and then there's a bunch of AI models that obviously don't respond to you. That just keep you on the app. So, like, you take it for granted that you have too many options sometimes going up in these cities, but then there's people who like, there's Sarah from the corner store, yet again. Yeah, but you're a damn Uber driver. Go and do a couple of pickups in Detroit. Try to meet a lady. You know? Yeah, he has to think more big picture. Yeah, I get it. It's hard out there.

Yeah. I mean, I have a joke that I say, I don't want to be racist, but when I order an Uber and I see the picture as a white guy, I'm like, oh, got to talk now. The white dudes are always chatting Kathy's in the Uber. It's true, though, right? They always want to chat. Except when a Chinese guy gets you, he doesn't know that he's going to have to chat the whole time. Chinese guy's going to have to chat to me. He doesn't realize that part of the fee is for me to practice.

practice my Mandarin. That's the fact. But generally, those conversations go well. No, yeah, when I see. I've had a couple of good ones lately where they're, like, complaining about Xi Jinping and stuff. I'm like, let's go, bro. Let's get into it.

And that's for another podcast. That's for another, that's for some of Chris's other pods. We got it. We're like jealous of Chris's other pods. Chris's anti-vax. What have you been up to? Like, I saw Chris on a dating out. Yeah.

It's like, Chris, why is there, um, complimentary BPC-157 in your fridge? What is that? You're peptides You know all this All the stuff that they promote on the bread

That's trying to make a transition We are in such different algorithms This is why this podcast Is a social experiment Because I asked my husband Yesterday Desmond I said So what do you

Any feedback on the Taylor Swift album Have you seen it on your feed? He goes No No well I hadn't What do you want me to do Lie? Do you see Taylor Swift on your feed?

I've seen it Well you're like of the age You have to do it The fact that Des doesn't have on his feet And it's the only thing on my feed I didn't even know the government shut down.

You know what's on my feed? What? I don't know the exact words, but it's something along lines of... No, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-a-na-na-na-ha. Yeah. It's... Okay, so I talked about it on Gingley's Quad. Very briefly, but I just said that we as a joke for jokes decided we should watch something, a popular...

Demon Hunters. Yeah, and, of course, Trey Kennedy then did the obvious joke, which we should have done straight away. K-pop Demon Hunters. And I said how me and you just... like chuckled and watched it like a little too long. We lasted like an hour and a half and just sat there normally two minutes in we're like okay we get the point

we just sat there enjoying it we're going up oh that's it all you don't have to be golden you know they did on the SNL too I know I know it's already done it was bad bunny just being like I love demon hunters and then they came out but the truth is

how are you going to save the world through K-pop K-pop. Through singing. I was like, I would love to see the pitch, the TV pitch for that when they sat down.

People love hunting demons. People love K-pop. What if K-pop killed the demons? Yeah. A plus B equals C. But you know, it's funny because there's been a lot of successful Korean, like, zombie movies.

So it is funny how those two genres have now collided. Perfect. Perfect. They're crazy. The Koreans, man, they, there's something in the water out there with their broad imagination

where they can somehow pull it off with some fucking crazy filmmaking. Well, when you just hear about the concept, you're like, that's insane. One minute in, I'm like, I'm sad, I'm sold. This works perfectly. It was great. I was funny, too. It was so good. It was funny.

And all their food jokes. Oh, yeah, honestly, it was very, felt like childhood, but like I was enjoying it. I know, but it was also so Asian. I was almost getting nostalgia for my time in China. Anyway, Chris, before we digress too much, let's have another double standard in relationships. This one's going to spice it up. Uh-oh. Okay.

Hi, Mom and Dad, currently off of last week's episode and instantly had to do this. I've never done this while driving, so they're with me. But something your current partner cannot do without pissing you off what you do. Okay, so I'm married. I've been married for like two, three years now to my husband. He cannot talk about any of his past partners without lighting a fire in me. You were with nobody before me, and that's what I like. Thank you.

I talk about my ex because we're friends. My ex, dog sits, my dog. We have two dogs that are bonded. We dated for maybe three months. And then we're roommates for 10 years. So, yes, we were exes, but I don't believe you him like that. So I talk about him all the time and that's supposed to be normal. But you think about another person, we're getting a divorce.

Well, Hannah, would you like to make a comment about this double-stantage? I will make a public comment. I do think that... Everybody's heard it. But I swear I'm joking. Like, I'm not a jealous person. I understand. If I, if you would know if I was upset about it.

I understand. But unfortunately, I mean, I would never put this onus on Chris to do this, but he could make quite the edit. He could make quite the edit on this podcast of you blocking any, like we'd be in the middle of like a really good conversation. And then the minute I mentioned some past experience. That joke comes out. It's a block, and I think you need to come to terms with the consistency. You know what's annoying if we're being honest? Okay. You're like a good guy and you don't talk shit about your past relationships.

Like, you don't like get into the details of it, but you're like respectful of everyone. And I don't love that. Yeah. Like even, like... Meanwhile, I just have to listen to her litany of abuse of her past partner, knowing that if I step out of line, I will be... I will be the subject of future. Can you call me Taylor Swift? No, but I, at least when I talk about exes, I'm like,

and that's, I was, when he was torturing me in the basement and I got kidnapped, then I got out of it, where you'll be like, and I had a great time in Paris with, who was, I don't know, and we had such a good time. And I'm like, okay, like, can you at least be like she was annoying during it? Let's talk about various, there's so many different things going on in this situation. how come whenever you impersonate me normally

I'm a dumb fuck and it's like oh you fucking does your fucking toothbrush is in the wrong place but then when you want to make a point about me being too

dignified when talking about X's suddenly I'm an English cognac drinking a member of Downton Abbey when you're in Europe

in the 90s that's how you used to talk and this is how you are with me now neither of these things are true I was skiing in Zoroft. What is it called? I wasn't skiing in a antidepressant medication.

What is the town called? I mean, there's... It starts with the Zermat. Zermat. I was skiing Zermat. There was a model on my arm, and we just had a great time. Coincidently enough, that's a true story. I know, and I just made that up.

It's actually true. I won't give her name, but anyway, she has a child. And who knows who's a child? I was going to say the second family vibe. I was an ex-girlfriend, but we're not allowed to talk about her. But Anna, go ahead and talk. Not on the mic, but I'd appreciate, I like the opposite of a compliment sandwich when it comes to talk about exes. Say the reason why you aren't together still.

Say whatever story it was, and then add, why you're happy, you are not still with them. I know, but the problem is on this podcast, particularly, especially on subjects of just the nature of relationships and different things, you might want to give a story and not have to be overly concerned with the inability or otherwise of your podcast partners to deal with it emotionally. But then also, not to be a hypocrite, but if I was with a guy and I have been with guys who I don't like, no, who constantly are obsessed with how much they hate their exes, like it's giving like you love your exes. You know, like if they're just constantly bringing up how much they don't like them

and how they didn't like what they did? I feel like I'm married to somebody who talks about their exes like that. Some of them, not all of them. It doesn't know what some of them, not all of them, Daz, geez. The lack of it weird.

The lack of accountability here today is off the charts. It's like, somebody, please get her to take a kind of bell at ass. You got to push them out of the Andrew Tate podcast. I'm talking about when guys like every day somehow they end up bringing their ex.

Yeah. Yes. And it, and I've been in a. before and then they'll also use it as a control tactic to be like I hate when my ex did this this and this so in your head you're like okay I guess I shouldn't do those things the next thing you know you've lost yourself you have to go therapy for three years but that's not happening here and thank God and I know I'm aware that you're joking but it is one of those things where it's like

okay well I guess we're never going to be able to talk about that because I think subconsciously you're more than joking and you just don't want to admit it well there is and that's okay there is a jealousy that's okay that I can't explain of like you existing around the world where like I was not in your ether or I wasn't alive where you were just going around a world without me. Yeah. And you really didn't care about me. Well, I just didn't know you existed.

I know. That's a level of like... But that doesn't clash with me, but I'm sure that there's some people that are listening that go, I can identify with that. But your existence pre-me knowing you, it doesn't affect my, like, emotional state. Because I know that that is an alternative life.

The funniest part about our relationship, though, is when I saw you at the comedy seller in, like, 2016, like, you never saw me. I saw you. I was, like, the creepy girl in the audience. Like, he's the cute, Romanian. He's funny. Was he gray back then just for reference? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He looked exactly the same. So, are you saying that somehow you have more of a right to be upset from everything that happened to 2016 to 2020? Because you did know I exist. And I didn't know that you existed. Oh, like, you were cheating on me through those years? No, just that like, if I brought something up from 2018, you'd be like, well, I just think manifestation is fucking powerful. You didn't manifest, Hannah. I think you're exaggerating. When you were on stage, I literally took out some tarot cards and I was like doing some weird shit. And then I got a DM from you in 2020 and I was like, perfect.

Yes. Is that crazy, Chris? That is well. It only took the world entirely shutting down. It only took a tent city in Central Park to care for the dying. Relationships are funny, though, where like, I. I saw you on stage, like, you didn't see me. And obviously, like, you have a stage persona.

But that I was like, oh, I like that guy. And that... But he lives in Ireland. Yeah. But that... But one day, I will take that from him. One day, that will no longer be the case. I go, I know what was the 26th.

I want to let him enjoy his life for a little bit longer. Yes. And then I saw the purple veins on your neck. And I realized she was a demon. Sorry, we were still into K-pop Demon Hunter. Did you watch K-Fat? No, I didn't. No, Chris is normal.

You know what I... You know what I say about Hannah, though? You know what I say? She's my soda pop. She's my soda pop. Anyway, sorry, Chris. You haven't watched K-pop demon hunters. Also, Des has this really annoying habit.

Oh, perfect. Love to bring this up right now about double standards. When Des watches something that he enjoys, like if it's like a British accent and a show, he will then do that British accent for the rest of the week. or if there's a song in it, he'll sing that song. Or we're watching, like, a Denmark murder thing. He'll be like, dappado to speak in Denmark.

That's what he'll do. That means, like, thank you. He'll speak whatever Danish. And I think it's charming. And I think it's funny. And I'm like, look this guy. He does so many voices. But then when I watch Nashville and I start talking like this when he comes home and I said,

babe, what are you doing? How are y'all doing today? What's going on? He goes, do not talk. I guess you're watching Nashville. Don't talk like this. so it's not we can't both be creative in the home well you know I mean I'm fine with this accusation

the one thing I will say is that I only do it with shows that we're enjoying together whereas Hannah is enjoying Nashville on her own and you did it with Top Boy not trying to because you cancel but you do it with Top Boy you didn't watch Top Boy No you're watching it on your own Oh yeah isn't it amazing how you can do black scent

when it's an English black cent It's like a double negative They cancel each other out. People can't comprehend. You know what it is? Because Americans can't tell that you're doing like British black scent, you know? But Top Boy was incredible.

Like, listen, I'll take their hit on that. I'll take the cancellation on the internet. By the way, this feels like Judge Judy. Because both of us are just looking at Chris for some reason. Well, because it's fun to have an audience. It's not an argument. We're having fun. More like an arbitrator.

I have no qualms about the fact that I was doing it. I would love to meet those top boy people. Oh, they're amazing. Also, like, you make a good podcast idea of, like, having some kind of, like, Judge Judy-esque thing where people work out their problems with you and you decide. That's a good podcast. There's a good podcast. There's a-you-go, Chris.

There's another one in the pipeline. There's another one in the pipeline. You have two white guys yon at each other. I'm going to break it out, the third white guy. White-on-white crime. It's a problem right now. Yeah, so anyway, top-boy accent, great. Got to get them.

Got to get them peas, mate. That's like, one day I was in the Tesco in Ireland, the supermarket, and a very successful Insta story did really well because I took a picture of frozen peas and I was like, I was doing a video and I was like, yo, got to get them peas. See, I didn't watch Todd Boy, I don't get the reference. Money, pounds. Let's go, bro. So I'm sure by now you've heard of built where you can earn points on your monthly rent payment,

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That's go to quince.com slash burn for free shipping on your order and 300. 365 day returns now available in Canada too that's quince.com slash burn to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash burn. Yo bro, next problem. Hi, mom and dad giggler, dialer, little devil calling in this literally my first time I've been able to call in because I always missed your prompts. So I'm so glad that my avid listening is now being rewarded with getting to send in some props. But basically, mine is for the double standard of what I can say to my partner, but he can't say to me short and sweet. Turned down sex. Sorry. If I can do it, I can be like, babe, I'm tired. I'm sorry. I love you so much. I'm sorry. But if he does that to me,

I'm like, oh my God, you think I'm gross, what the hellie, what is going on, what's my life, and I just spiral. And I think that's a girly thing, but that is definitely a devil standard. That is probably internal or needs to be fixed. However, that's my thought process. So that's where we are right now. I'd say that's a common one for couples. I was in my head.

I was like, what? Someone just did an amazing stand-up bit about this? And I realized it's you. Did I? You have a bit about how if guys can't get it up, girls get upset, but how, like, a guy wouldn't get upset. Oh, yeah, but, God, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't even equate that with this. Well, because you, you know, guys like,

I wasn't saying about getting upset. I was saying that women should never think, the joke is, the basic thing of the joke, is that women should never think if a guy can't get it up, that it's them, you know, and then I jokingly say in the first. flip side, a man would never think of it's a bit. It's a very long bit. It's not a bit that we that can be. It reminded me of that. Oh, right. Yeah. But I'd say most couples feel this double standard at times in that like when you're not in the mood, it feels very rational to be like, I'm not in the mood. But when you're on the flip side and you're in the mood and your partner's

not in the mood, it can feel a bit like an insult. I feel like people don't talk about after the initial stages of the relationship, which is just you guys trying to see each other as much as you can to have sex as often as you can. Then when you eventually settle in, it requires someone when you're not having sex deciding, should we turn this into sex? Yeah. And that requires asking. After a while, it's like, I got a Google Calendar update that says that we're

within the hour where it has to happen before we have a problem in our relationship. It's been too many days where it's like, what's going on? But then you also get in that awkward, like, if you do that initial ask and they're thinking about it, you have that negotiation where you're like, okay, well, do you want to wait tomorrow? And it's like, well, tomorrow I got this. But I think in a relationship, you have to not be too precious or sensitive about the fact that, like, yeah, sometimes it can feel like a bit of a chore. But in saying that, that doesn't know, but like just in the sense, no, listen, it's okay, you've never been married, Chris. That's the laughter. That's the laughter of an under 30-year-old penis.

Yeah, but you've never been 50 and married. That's the laughter of an under 30-year-old penis right there. Anyway, listen. No, my point is this, that like, when you're together all the time, it can feel a bit like, all right, you know, I got to get myself. But the thing is that when you do and then it's great, it's fine, it's fine. Which is all the time, it's great. Yeah, yeah.

No, but it's the same as like going, like, it can be like other things that you know are going to be good, but it just feels like a bit of an effort. Like, there will be times and that's okay. I feel like men, when they're in long-term relationships, feel more like women where like when we're not turned on and someone's like, do you want to have sex? You have to be like, okay, let me like get in the mindset of this. I feel like more guys are more often to just be like ready all the time. I don't know.

I don't think it matters about the male or the female part of this. I think what really matters is just normalizing that like sometimes it's okay if like you got to gee each other up in some way. to get each other in the mood. Let's gee each other up. I mean, I think in context, you know. You mean like kiss on the neck? No, like, it's more of a generic term for like getting somebody in the mood to do something.

It's not specific to sex. Well, my advice is don't just do the, do you want fuck? Well, I mean, that works for us. I know. But I'm saying sometimes it's go over to the person, give them a kiss, give them a compliment, give them another kiss. Stop trying to like speak as if you're speaking generic. because I'm not trying to have something specific to us. I'm saying sometimes you can like warm it up and then it seems better.

We're like if the person's like running around doing chores, it's like, not that I've ever done chores before. I think more in relation to the double standard of like don't take it personally if the other person doesn't seem like in the mood straight away, that it's okay to like build it up, get each other in the mood. You're not always going to, you're not always going to. You're not always going to be in, like, perfect symbiosis. We're agreeing with each other.

But what, what, uh, we're agreeing. What would you, I know what your main excuse is. What would you say is mine? I play golf all day. That's not sure. I, I've never said, of all the excuses I have ever given, I have never used golf. No, yours is, you're asleep. Like, you're literally asleep.

You're like, I'm asleep. I'm asleep. But it's like 7 p.m. And he's like, babe, I'm asleep. Yeah. You should have hit, like, I was ready at 7 a.m. Yeah, like 7 p.m. he's like, I literally, he'd be passed out, and that would be not what we want to do. Hannah's excuses, I just ate. Yeah.

Hannah's excuses, I'm bloated. And I'm going to say something. So the window is very small when Hannah's not bloated. What men don't understand is, and I've been doing this on stage a lot where I... But, babe, I understand. You say you're full, I'm fine. Actually, let me do what I've been doing on stage. Do you ever think about what sex feels like for a woman?

Sure, all the time. And using an adjective, what would you describe it? I talk my penis between my legs and I say, look, I have a pussy. Okay. Silence of the lambs. Silence of the lambs. That's the whole clip right there. Christa Stephanopo, pod right there.

Isn't that silence of the lambs? I don't know. Isn't it? Everyone's upset. Isn't that a scene from Silence of the Lambs? Okay. Enough with the 80s references. Okay.

So if you had to use an adjective, how do you think it feels like for a woman? What? How does sex feel? Okay, first of all, can you listen to women? How does sex feel like for a woman? Save it for hand on the street, Hannah. Okay, well, that's what I do on stage. And I've got some of the funniest answers.

One guy said warm. And I was like, that's what it feels like for you. I've never been cold and been like stick a dick in me. Now I feel better. So one guy said stabbing, which honestly, not false. But I was thinking about when a woman. has sex, it's a different, it's a completely different act than a man, like, I'm getting inserted into. So like when I'm bloated on my stomach hurts, it's like, take a stomach egg and imagine someone

punching your stomach. Like, that's kind of where we're at. So like, I've never, I've never given any pushback. If I was a dude and I was bloated, it wouldn't be as, I'm not inserting, getting inserted. I'm inserting. But nobody's complaining about your bloated complaint. I was just saying, what are the two excuses? I'm just explaining my, I know, yeah. My mindset. It's sex is a And also, like, me farting during sex, it's a little more embarrassing than you farting during sex. Yeah, I don't think I have a half. I have. Yeah.

Not a problem. Because sometimes I've been bloated and still been like, fuck it. Yeah. Love is love. Let's go to the next one. Hi, Hannah and Des. I just heard your episode about the cartoon freshes and your new prompt being the double standards in relationships. 100%

I can have male friends but you can't have female friends I don't like it and I will never like it and if that makes me insecure

I don't get the bus okay that is so valid comes from the same place of what you know similar with the double standard we're talking about

people versus me I can talk about it well this one I have a theory that in male female friendships like men are very like more physical than women and they prefer i'm going to say this carefully they prefer i feel like most men if they're hanging out with girls they're physically attracted

to them i mean it's hard to say like most male friendships most male friendships and female friendships someone's attracted to someone and a lot of the time i think it's the man because if the girl was attracted to him they'd be hooking up I mean, it's very hard to say. I understand that that generalization is very enticing. And I think that oftentimes it may be true, but I don't think it's universal. I do think that, like, women like male attention and men like female attention. So sometimes it does get a little, like, I know you guys are friends, but you're also, like, liking each other's attention type thing.

Yeah. I mean, I actually, other than comedians, I don't really have any. female friends. I know you're a green flag. I have cousin. I have like very close relationship. You're allowed to have lesbian female friends. Uh, which I, yes, I do, but they're comics though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but you're not like on the phone all the time with like a straight woman. No, the only, uh, non-family, the only, yeah, non-family women that I talk to, like, for any period of time or comedians. Yeah. And it's like, the only straight woman a man is allowed to talk to all the time besides his girlfriend or wife is his therapist.

Right. Is that... Do you know what this is? Yeah. I mean, I don't know the actual term for it, but I know it's you trying to fit in with the Gen Zs. I did it wrong, actually. Also, my fingers are too nubby. I like can't get it.

This is basically like period. Oh, is that period? Is that what it is? I always thought it was like a snap. No? I think it was a snap and then it became this. Oh, right. This was too aggressive.

This was too aggressive for the gensies. Hard noise. So, yeah, I mean. But I feel like I don't have male friends that I talk to all the time who aren't comedians either. No, but I think you definitely, it's the nature of our business, though. You talk to more men than I talk to women. Yeah, because they're all man. Also, because I like sports, men talk to me.

What? Men talk to me because I like sports. So, like, I find myself in long conversations with straight men because, like, they find out I golf or they find out I know basketball or they find out because I'm just like a guy's girl. One thing I will say in relation to this is that I think women are a little bit more naive of the intentions of men. Valive action.

Than the other way around. That's a very diplomatic way to bring that up. Well, no, because I've, in my lifetime. It's true, though. In my lifetime of this situation, I have pointed out to some people like, oh, listen, I mean, that guy's trying to fuck you. And they're like, no, he's just my friend. And like, I'm not a crazy, like, jealous guy, but I'm just like, that's what's going on. And then eventually they find out.

There's no need to be jealous, though, of a guy wanting to fuck your girl. I feel like that's a compliment that, like, she. Okay, well, then, what about the other way around then? No, like, if no girl was hitting on you, I'd be like, what's wrong with him? Yeah. But no, but I do think sometimes that either they choose to be naive because they kind of know but they don't want to admit it or they actually don't realize that most men do have that motivation. I do think I've been in some situations where the man, I guess, is hitting on me, but I'm like in what world? So then I'm like, he definitely doesn't think this.

Like this is for whatever reason. I'm like, this is not a thing. Also, especially if I'm taken or like whatever. Yeah, but I think also, you know, it's just. up, I think at some, on some level, you have to eventually take a responsibility of like, is this almost, not like, am I leading him on, but it's like, is it fair if I'm kind of aware that that's the energy? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think also, especially with like Instagram, there's so many, like, messages going around. And at first it's like, oh, is this just normal?

Like, oh, like, that's cool. This is cool. Versus like when, if he starts being like, there's lines I've seen some of these people that have been in your DMs, and it is 100% a guarantee that they're sliding into your DMs because they want to fuck you. And if you choose to ignore that, that's fine, but that is a fact. Look. Are you admitting that now? I'm not going to name any names, but there's been a couple of ones that I'm like,

why do you think this dude keeps messaging you? Because he thought my special was really funny. because he thinks I'm a comedic genius. All right, Chris. Wait, can I ask you one question? Why do you think single men don't come to my show? A fear. Like, even when you guys brought me out of the show,

I was like, they're going to izzie trash me and I'm going to never recover from it. Like, I'm going to have to be armed. Because it's not a safe space for them. You know what I mean? They don't have a right of rebuttal. The Kigley Squad is not a place where you have a right Of rebuttal at all.

There are tons of boyfriends coming, but I swear to God, everyone is, like, with a girl who literally will DM me before the show and be like, my boyfriend is sitting in C8, please make fun of his haircut. Yeah. Like, that's the kind of shit I get. It's like, excuse me, single man, sweeping generalizations are only allowed to come from women to men. Do not even think about bringing your generalizations here.

Well, I always joke, like, a guy will say something, and then another guy will chime in, and I go, we're not forming alliances. We're not forming alliances. And then I'll be like, are there any single men here? And like some guys will raise their hand. And then like immediately, oh, they're gay. They're just gay single men. Right.

I'm like, this is, there's no straight single men at my show. So if any girl wants to save space, you know where to go. Yeah. Phoenix this Saturday. Anna has a show. Phoenix. What's the last one, Chris? Hi, Liz.

So I think that the magic of burner phone is when you and Hannah are together because the way that you guys bounce off of each other is just, like, like it's so fun um but i like when hannah can't be there when you do advice episodes because i think that um you offer a really good perspective on a lot of different things so i'm excited for this prompt and the thing that i've been struggling with lately is i feel like the job that i'm at it's not the right fit for me anymore um so i know that it's time to look for something else but I'm in a management role

and so my struggle is how much do I owe to this place and my team to like prepare them for me to leave or is it okay to just be like I'm out good luck see does sometimes there's some people that want to fuck you

is that your girlfriend what the fuck is going on this is a prompt from last week that accidentally ended up in this one but oh it accidentally ended up I'm so glad it did. What a great mistake. Your secret family just came in. What a great mistake to me. We love Hannah, but when it comes to life advice, this bitch doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about.

Can you men's blame them to me, please? You guys are great together, but when you're alone, there's just something about you. She's like, when I actually want, like, actual life advice, I'm going to go to somebody with, like, real life experience. She goes, I know you have fun together, but when you're alone, I just feel like it brings out a side to you that, like, I really connect with. So this is just between me and you days. I want to leave my job

Can I be your sister That we're not making funny We're laughing with you No we're obsessed Leave that fucking job And fuck those people Yeah I think always in these situations Oh wait sorry she doesn't want my advice

Yeah Well because I literally I think I mentioned last week That Hannah's always advice like Break up with him Live There's always It's always very direct to your advice

But I'm not saying that's bad advice You're a little more long-winded Yeah But you know that was last, so she wasn't, it was specifically last week was ask Des for advice. It's funny when they think I'm not here,

they think they could say some stuff. Yeah. Like your DMs. Hey. It's funny, my DMs is literally just Gigglers making fun of me. Just want to put that out there. And a few others, but I'm not going to mention them,

but I've seen them. So anyway, so, yeah, this is, listen, I, I forgot if she said her age, but if you're at an age where,

like you still have so much time to like figure life out. I think if you're feeling like you want to change, it's safe to make a change. Well, also if you're in a management position, you have a great resume, get it somewhere else. I also do find that people who are going above and beyond at their job and being paid less actually get less respect. Like there's been all these like data things that I don't, I can't quote, but about like when you leave work, leave work. Like put boundaries and people actually respect you more and like, and I'm very guilty of that when I was in like corporate America of just going like so hard and then people just kind of take advantage of you

where if you're just like it's almost like you they think you respect your time more when you put the foot down yeah and I also think there's a pretty good chance that the world as we know it is going to end soon so like don't procrastinate on any big decisions because like honestly you might be worrying about survival soon And I do have to say your company doesn't care about you. Yes. And obviously I don't know your specific company, but they would get rid of you in a second if it made sense for them. Yes.

I understand you feeling connected and loving your team. And I think that's different, like having the right conversations with them so they don't feel like disrespected. But also don't go above and beyond. Again, like a lot of women will do this where it's like, I'm leaving it. I don't want to be mad at me and I'm going to train this person for free. and like it's okay to have boundaries that's what my therapist told me today oh really we were working she's helping me say no to more things and she said more people respect me if i say no to things please please tell me that you said to the therapist this is not the first time somebody has tried

to motivate me to be better at saying no i know but it actually it was very i was speaking it to her as in it's a i know it's a problem right right and she was like we're trying to understand the depth of it But it I actually She was like So you're a people Pleaser you say you have to say everything I'm like

She's like what if I told you That people actually don't like you more When you say yes to everything And she's so right Because I've recently been in some situations Where like I've said yes to people on things And you give them a little

And they just keep wanting more And more and they're not even happy With what you gave them There's an expression for that What is it again? Give them an inch And they take a yard Yep

Perfect I know you hate my expressions No I actually really like that one That was a good one I like that one And it's not centimeter, interesting. Yeah. Because you're European.

Give them a millimeter and they'll take a meter. It doesn't have the... No, it doesn't hit the same. It needs the variation. It doesn't hit the same. But it's true because I'll have some friends that I love and respect them so much because they know their own boundaries with stuff. I'm never like, oh, I don't like that person.

Like, I joke. I mean, Paige is so good at saying no. And I'm like obsessed with that she does that. And she's... I'm learning more from her because I'm like, oh, No one's mad at her that she, like, did something that was right for her. Yeah, because you have a right. Anyway, listen, we're not a-hanna therapy session here.

Anyway, I love that when Hannah comes back as a therapy. You know what the therapist told me? You ever hear that before? Oh, God. Anyway, let's go for another one. We'll do a teaser. Let's do it next week on burnt from. We'll be discussing family secrets.

that you're not supposed to know, but you found out. Bum-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-d-da-d-don. Yeah, he does. So my parents split up in 2012, and I was nine. And I was very curious. I used to sneak and eavesdrop on every conversation they had once I picked up that something bad was going to happen. Because children are children and this men. brought me to, you know, now over five years of therapy.

That's not the point. I eavesdropped on their fights, and one night I basically learned that my mom cheated on my dad. So I was so angry with her for a lot of time, but she doesn't know that I know, and she'll never know. Because now I forgave her, and, like, she's my mom, and anyone could do that. And so that's the secret that no one actually knows. Except for the listeners. I feel like we should distort her voice. No, but I mean, that's fascinating.

Because that's not like the common tale that you're here, you know. But it's wild that her mother doesn't know. Well, yeah, it's interesting because she took it on. Like that was something her mom did and she took it on herself and she works out through therapy. But I'm so different where like the next time I saw my mom, I'd just be like, don't say it, don't say it. Do you cheat on dad? that's why did she like I'd be eating cereal did she on debt I couldn't not blurt it out

yeah very interesting like she internalized it all which is very strong of her but I mean lonely yeah I would find I would find that at some stage it and she's forgiven her mother and all that I would find it would make their relationship stronger to say like I know also I'd want to understand what the mom was going through that got her there because genetically it's like Like, I want to know how I, how she copes with relationships, what she's coping with.

Or you might hear the story and been like, bitch, good. You should have. Oh. He's talking about double standards. I mean, Jesus Christ. No, but I mean like. The villainizing of infidelity. And then suddenly it's like, well, when, you know, sometimes a mom got to get a bit.

You know what I'm saying? Fucking dad is a boring. Well, not to mass generalize, but they do say a lot of women get into marriages and they end up getting most of responsibility so that the husband starts to feel like a child to them when the husband comes home they're taking care of him and they stop seeing him as like a partner and more is just like another thing on the list and she's picking up after him she's doing his laundry she's feeding him he's not grateful she's annoyed and next you know you lose the emotional section and sexual attraction to him and that happens in a lot of marriages and that's why women a lot of women cheat right and is that okay

Is that what you're saying? No, I think it is a sign, though. You should probably either get out of the marriage or... His solution is always just get out. Domp his ass. I know there's paperwork. Dump his ass. Traumatize your children for a decade.

But also, what brings me back to what I was talking about originally is some women were saying, like, I don't care if you're good at cooking. I don't care if you're good at folding. I don't care if you love cleaning. Do not set it as a precedent. in the beginning, like do a little bit, but like if you said it as a president, then he's going to expect you to do it all the time. And that's why to this day, I've never been launching. God knows Hannah has followed through on that one. You should have, you should have told

your mom that when you were a kid because she certainly said a president that she was going to do it for you. I know, I know. A president that still exists today. Yeah. Not that I'm not grateful myself because it's pretty incredible. My mom. Yeah, how good she is. I know. That's why most guys I used to date in the past who I don't like at all. She would say, they would be like, could you, I wish you could, your mom's perfect basically. They were trying to like your mom. Yeah. It's right.

They're like, your mom's like you except she has her shit together. She's organized. She doesn't talk as much as you. She's more focused. She listens. She holds herself accountable for things. That's more accountable. So, yeah, next week we'll delve in to secrets.

I have so many of my own ones, so I can't wait to share them. I mean, I feel like I've shared them before. But we'll reopen that dark. Yeah, a quick teaser. We'll discuss more next week. But after my father died, I found out that my father had been married previous to my mother. Second family stuff. Yeah, well, they've no kids.

Her name was Valerie. She died of alcoholism. But it's a teaser. Come on. It's a Netflix special. There's got to be more than just the fact that there was information. But yeah, my mother knew, but for some reason he didn't want us to know. And before he died, he told my mother, don't tell them.

And she ignored him, actually. And she did tell us. But he was very troubled by that before he died and brought it up to me that he had things that he wanted to get off his chest, but that he felt that he couldn't. And I completely misunderstood what he was saying, gave him this whole speech about how he needed to, like, let go of any guilt and shame he had about the life that he lived. And I gave him a rousing speech. But literally, he just wanted to tell me that he was married before.

Which, like, that's not his, like, you didn't do anything wrong. No, I know, but I thought it was, I honestly, I was, I was looking into the deeper sense. He thought it was about his dreams or something. Yeah, no, and also just because he had this horrific childhood and, you know, like perhaps that he didn't, you know, that he still was feeling like he had done something. You know, so I was giving him, like, this deep, like, therapy speech, but really he just wanted to be like, yeah, before you, you know, before I met your mother, I was married. Also, back then with, like, religious Irish, marriage was very common. I know, but it was darker than that because in the end, right, he, they, my dad, it's funny, my dad owned a beauty salon. Yes.

And, like, and they had it together. And after they had separated, but not divorced. She actually held the business for ransom. She wouldn't sign the divorce papers unless he signed that business over to her. And, yeah, it became an issue because he was getting close to my dad getting married and she wouldn't finalize the paperwork.

She's a gangster. Yeah, but, you know, she ran it into the ground, unfortunately. That's one of my dads who's big regrets. I was like, good fucking business, man. But he never could, it must have been killing him, and that he couldn't explain what really happened. Yeah. Again, that's another thing that I could never do.

Like, immediately with my kid, I'd be like, okay, I got to tell you what's pissed me off this morning, this bitch. He couldn't explain it. It's like, yeah, it's a good business man. I don't want to let that go. What happened, Dad? I said, eh, nothing. But, like, that has to be illegal of her to do that. Who, I mean.

I mean, we're not going to. Karma's a bitch. Karma is. Yeah. Karma. And also, let's stop calling karma bitches. Like, let's call it. Let's say karma is.

savvy and she's smart and she's strong what's up calling her bitch karma is your ex-wife karma is cirrhosis of the lip anyway it doesn't matter is that too dark no no not at all

you guys I'm gonna be in Phoenix this weekend both my San Diego shows are sold out but I also will be in Vegas this weekend and my mom's coming at the Venetian and my mom's coming which is very important I'll be in Nashville Nashville oh my God I'm so excited for you to be in Nashville

I added the frying pan into the fire with the accent. Oh, my God. I can't wait. I'm in Atlanta. That's nearly sold out. So if you're going to get tickets, get that fast. That'll definitely be a sellout. And then I'm in Syracuse, New York on Saturday.

Yeah. So Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday. Also, I have shows in Wisconsin. I have shows in Portland, Maine. Check those out. So come to all our shows. You guys. We love you.

And I'm going to the war zone of Portland, Maine. Mm. Yeah. And the war within. Hannah's going to the front line. I thought it was Portland, Oregon. What? That was Portland, Oregon.

Oh, you're going to Portland, Maine? Yeah. Oh, sorry, my apologies, I misheard. But that happened, apparently. Somebody went to Portland, Maine when it was supposed to go to. Sorry about that. I did a show in Portland, Maine. It was a beautiful place.

Beautiful. No war within there. Lobsters. Be attacked by lobsters. Then, oh, sorry, I'm in Fort Lauderdale, actually, October 17th and 18th. That'll be a good one. Sorry, I just yawned. Hannah's done.

She's out. She's done. I've hit a wall. I love you guys so much. Thank you for dialing in and calling in. Great to have you back, Chris. Great to be back. Missed you, Chris.

I'll see you tomorrow for Gagoo's squad.