Berner Phone - Berner Phone 112: Family Secrets

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

We have a juicy one today - the dialers are spilling their family secrets. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows

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Check out Boland Branch today. Hi, it's Hannah Burner. and Des Bishop Thanks for calling the burner phone If you leave a message after the tone We may have to make it into a podcast What's up guys? I'm back

My little dialers with Zuddy That's right We're no Chris We're just back in our Our old school stylings Just being together Hannah is in a very relaxed position I just got back

Which is always a worry, I feel. When Hannah takes this position, I get worried. Babe, don't worry about me. I'll be okay. I did take a red eye with my mom coming back from San Diego. Well, you were coming back from Phoenix. Phoenix. Quite the run.

Incredible, incredible weekend. Yeah, very tiring. I also drove back. I drove to and back from Syracuse yesterday because I was worried about getting stuck in Syracuse. Well, that's the thing. We weren't going to do a red eye. We're not insane. Also, I'm not like, I didn't have anything today, but we thought we were going to get trapped in Phoenix because of the Nor'easter. And I'm never prepared about the weather. Like, I think the weather's made up. But you know, you get that like warning, like travel alert. Yes. So my mom was like,

if we don't want to get stuck in Phoenix, which by the way, would have been beautiful and nice. I wouldn't mind that we'd stay there. Yeah, maybe you should have just stayed there. No, but I have I have stuff to do in the city. Yeah, well, I decided to drive less. I was literally driving to the airport when I made an executive decision to just scrap that and drove to Syracuse. But I was leaving from West Hampton, so I drove six hours there,

did my show, and then four hours back. So 10 hours of driving yesterday. I feel like marriage is just trying to make executive decisions all the time. Why would you acquit that with marriage? That was just me on my own in the car. No, but it's like... You were not involved in that decision at all. I was not involved, but it's like just so much decision-making.

Hannah, that's not marriage. That's life. Sorry to break it to you. No, well, marriage means you have to make decisions and then there's another person that factors into it so it gets more complicated. Right. So how did I factor into your red-eye decision, Hannah?

My mommy. What? My mom told me to. no i know but that's that that's what i'm saying like how does marriage affect that i just feel like there's no you're right it's just life no i was just curious because i was like and then you but when we are making just like marriage is just making little stupid decisions throughout the day which was today that's all we did be like should we do this should we do that's because we have a lot going on yeah so you know in fairness we're also at times where we have a lot going on then

have a lot of decisions to make. I also do think with marriage, like, you first think about, like, oh, is this person hot, am I in love? And it's like, do you want to make really stupid decisions with them every day? That's what marriage is. Okay, I didn't realize we were going to open with the, getting to the deep meaning of what the hell's going on with you? Sit up.

This is what happens when Hannah sits in this position. Wait, when she falls. Yeah, she falls deep into herself. Well, we have a deep episode. We don't, we don't discuss, actually. We don't get deep about our marriage and our relationship. That's not what Bernaphone is. We're going deep into family secrets today.

Today is a family secrets episode. Yeah. We have loads of family secrets. I guess I'll sprinkle them through the episode. I mentioned one already, which was my dad's one. Yeah, that your dad was married. Yeah. So that's been discussed.

And there's no other little bishops running around, you don't think. Not that I'm aware. No, I don't think so. Actually, they certainly haven't showed up on Ancestry.com. Not on Facebook. Not on Facebook. So actually, in relation to Ancestry.com, my first family secret will be, actually, very, very soon before my dad died, he did actually discover from my first cousin, Steve, and his nephew, that my dad's grandfather was unknown. that my dad's grandmother's last name was bishop.

So the bishop comes from my great-grandmother. Okay, a matriarch. Yeah, so all my life until this fateful moment when we discovered that my dad had been misinformed his entire existence. I think he was 73 years old when he discovered that his grandfather was, I'm sure he wasn't lied, that his grandfather died in the Battle of the Psalm which was one of the major battles

of World War I in 1916 but that he wasn't, they weren't married and I don't think my dad knew that Bishop came from his grandmother's side Oh so she got pregnant that would be the assumption

I was... Because he has no idea who the grandpa is. We don't know yeah he doesn't know who he's but my dad only realized that he didn't know who his grandfather well obviously he never knew him because he was told he died in World War I. That may or may not be true, by the way. Yeah.

Sorry, that's the one thing that we can't factor it. We don't know. Don't know who this guy is. When we did Ancestry.com, which we did after finding this out, I was really hoping to find out that we had some, like, Mediterranean in there or something, different. Dating soldiers is so stressful. You're like, I met this guy.

He's so cute. oh that well apparently you know because i did a bit of research on it obviously uh very common in 1914 to 1918 a lot of unmarried mothers a lot of children born out of wedlock uh so stanley bishop my grandfather was born out of wedlock and he always had his mother's last name which i'm sure he knew she would then got married later on and like, I know who they are. I know that family, but they're in no relation to me. You know what I mean?

She didn't have kids with this guy that she married afterwards. He had kids from a previous marriage. But, like, I'm related. People need to get out their pens and paper because it's complicated. It's getting complicated. Yeah, but it's family secrets, man. Family secrets. But anyway, the exciting thing, which I think I've said before,

is that as a result of Ancestry.com, and knowing that that bishop line was my great-grandmother's line. The British, for all their flaws, as a government, they're very good at keeping records. So there's records back on that line all the way back to like the 1830s. Wow.

And so it turns out that my great-grandmother's father, my great-great-grandfather, was from Kildare. He was Irish, which we never knew until after my dad died. I think my dad didn't. know that he had more Irish in him than he realized. So my, the bishop name, which I always thought was English, actually came from Ireland.

Wow. So that was a, that was a family secret that went way back. And they were, they were poor because it's great, like the Ancestry.com goes so far back. So my great, great grandmother, which I've forgotten her name just off. because it doesn't matter because it was nearly two centuries ago. She was like, there's records from her, like, living in the poor house. You know, like, living in like an institution for people in poverty. Oh, my God.

Yeah, so, like, those records exist. So she, they were quite, they were poor. I do have to say for baby names, I really like looking, like, deep into people's history because if there's something cute about being like, you're named after your great, great, great, great, great, great grandma. Well, my great, my great grandmother's name was Annie Hilda May Bishop. Oh. Annie Hilda May Bishop. And her father, oh, God, I think it was George.

Well, those are names we could work with. It's the, like. There won't be any Georges in our family. I can tell you that right now. Why? A lot of King George's. Oh. Oh.

Okay. Also, I feel like when you have a kid, you have to, um, It has to roll off the tongue. George, I don't know if I want to yell. George! I don't know if I want to do that. I want to be easy to yell at them. Yeah, there'll be no, no George's.

Or let's be honest, I'm be like, you! You know how parents, like, forget all their kids' names? Well, you know, back in the day when there were so many of them. You call them, like, the dog's name. You're like, you take care of that one. What about Ethan? I don't hate Ethan. actually don't hate Ethan at all except in my head it reminds me of like the jock in high school

who's like kind of mean Ethan yes that's a bully name not bully but or like just like the like fuck boy really Ethan interesting Ethan Ethan Ethan to me is very neutral see I love Ethan I don't have any I don't have any like associations with that name I've I've been trying to I've been trying to make a bit about like something about when you're just going on dates or dating guys like keep in mind make sure it's not a name that you might want for your future kid because they'll ruin it for you yes and it's true when you're so think of baby names you're like oh but that reminds me that one person and i was friends with in third grade who kind of like was annoying and just to verify Hannah is not pregnant once again oh yeah not pregnant always creates pregnancy rumors but like every

pregnancy rumor has been so valid, you guys. Like, everything I've said that people would be like, oh, Hannah said... You had a pregnancy rumor back in August, which, uh, for some reason, just out of the blue, a TikTok came up from August of this woman that impersonates you on Paige. It's very funny. She's very good. She's hilarious. Her, her you is very good.

Well, she'll be like, Paige, oh my God. Yeah, her joke was like, um, I'm... pregnant with a burrito. Something like that. I'm gonna pass it today. She gives you quite a deep voice. Yeah, I know. I wonder if she puts it in.

And then her page is like, oh my God, you're pregnant. I wonder if she puts it in AI. I'd be like, how would Hannah M. Page? Yeah. But no, she's amazing. I have to remember her handle. Give her shadow next time.

Oh yeah, next time. Next time. Well, anyway, so that's one of my family secrets. So I go on Ancistria Common. I think I can see like a random strain that doesn't connect to any of the other clans. Also, by the way, I definitely have tons of family secrets. Just they're still secrets.

Well, they're in Sicily. Or, honestly, the other side seemed a little wild too. and the Austrian, Polish, Russian side. Yes. That was crazy. Like, I don't know what they're... Well, okay, since you brought up the Ashkenazi side of your 25% Ashkenazi from your grandfather on your father's side. Ashkenaz.

Let's, uh, just, just because you brought it up, let's start with this one. Hi, Hannah and Des. This is Kelsey. Um, I have a pretty wild. family secret that we found out a few years ago through DNA testing. My grandfather's father that raised him was not actually his biological father. His biological father was someone in the Jewish mafia, also known as the kosher mob. We haven't found much else out about him, but pretty wild. We don't know if my grandmother had an affair with him. What? We're not really sure what happened.

But yeah, we've got like mobsters in our family. So I feel pretty badass with that. Anyways, love you guys. Bye. The kosher mob. I just put it in because I thought that was so funny. I've never heard of that. There's just me and my friends getting bagels in the morning.

The kosher mom. Well, I assume that like, you know, the character and the godfather. I assume that it's a little bit like that, those people, but I don't know. I mean, we live in the Lowery's side. I would think that. The kosher mom's, he'll. Mops hilarious because it's like if you just get into it with them, we just have to throw a chicken parmesan at them

because it mixes meat and cheese. And they're like, okay, we're out. You guys are too dark. Anyway, I think it's fun to find out that you have some famous criminals in your family. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I knew somebody that found out that they were related to like a serious crime.

My dad actually, go ahead. Oh, what are you saying? my dad was very friendly with one of the great train robbers so like it's like a famous crime in um in the uk the great train robbery and my dad was connected to a guy and i have pictures of me with this guy as a as a baby but his son this man's son reached out to me not that long ago with like a lot of details to verify because like i've said before like so often i feel like my dad is shit but things are checking out all his stories really in the end they all checked out so the son of this guy um he reached out to me and like it's all true this guy was connected to the great train

rubber and so my my dad definitely had some connections with criminals just because like you know the way sometimes like and i'm not saying my dad was a celebrity but you know the way celebrity and criminality can intersect well wherever there's money yeah so there there is some so my dad definitely got friendly in Chelsea in the 60s. Chelsea in London. He got friendly with some of that world, you know, because the criminals want to be connected to the fame. Yeah, and he was in like the young cool guy scene. Yeah. And Chelsea. So, but they were good buddies. And I have pictures of, of, uh, of all of us together on Brighton Beach. Because after I was born, we came back to, yeah, Brighton Beach, uh, London, uh, UK. Oh, I thought you're talking about Brooklyn. Uh, I was born, uh, in London,

very quickly brought back to the States, but in 1976, they returned. And that was the only time I met my grandfather, my dad's dad, who died in 1977. As you guys can tell, Desa has done a lot of research on his background. My grandpa, I know your grandparent. I'm talking about my grandfather. I'm not talking about some, like, some distant relation. You were. Three of your grandparents were alive when I met you.

Two still are. I'm talking about my dad's dad. He died in 1977. Anyway, I'm well versed on a lot of true crime. So I'll see Like when the Ted Bundy stuff was like very popular in the news Or like Jeffrey Dahmer There's all these people coming out being like

Oh my uncle went on a date with Jeffrey Dahmer Really? Or like my my mom's mom went on a date with Ted Bundy Like there's a lot of close calls like that Also I just watched the Ed Gein documentary And he would dig up graves it was pretty sick and some girl on TikTok

was like my grandma was dug up in the ed guy really yeah I mean they're real people and like the internet people are allowed I mean some of my just be wanting attention

yeah that's the thing but there is also like it was someone's grandma that was getting dug up um so and also yeah like Jeffrey Dahmer in in Wisconsin

in the 70s or whatever it's like there's a lot of connections there and that man was partying that man was out and about and there were a lot of people that got away yeah i haven't watched it watched what the ed guy thing i know you haven't it's funny because people aren't liking it um i watched the first couple episodes and i i was enjoying it yeah i think most people say it really loses its way yeah i think it's because there were a lot of creative liberties in it but once you go in not trying to like fact check everything and just try to enjoy like a freaky story um and charlie is it hanam or something charlie whatever he's this

kind of like hunky guy who plays a bike gang guy in another show biker gang like cool biker gang guy and he got cast as ed guy and he speaks like this and he's like really creepy and so it's fun to see an actor with that kind of range. That kind of range. Yeah, I'm just, like, I'm really into acting lately. Maybe you need to change to like TV reviewed TikTok. I don't know. I just, I haven't gotten a callback yet, but I just really feel connected to acting.

By the way, really enjoying task. If anybody's looking for a show to watch, really enjoying task. And I discovered this week that there's two Irish actors in it, which I watched five episodes, clueless that they were Irish, a perfect Pennsylvania accents. And when I saw them being interviewed, I was in shock. So I reached out to both of them. I was like, guys, I'm so impressed. That is so impressive to just do an American accent.

Might as well doing a Philly accent. It was, I was in shock, actually. And also just like, it's Sam and Allison are the two actors, but Sam plays a very intense biker game guy coincidentally enough. And he's so scary. And it's shocking to see how not like that he is. And then Allison plays this cop, and I just never in a million years, I never even heard a hint of Irish off her accent. Not a hint.

Is there a part of you that ever had like a midlife crisis, wanted to get a motorcycle? No, the only time I thought about getting a motorcycle is John Bishop pitched a show to ITV where me, him and Jason Byrne bikeed across America. but it didn't get picked up. I think tricycles would have been funnier. Yeah, that would have been funny. That would have been a long journey. You would have hurt your back in a meeting. My SI joint wouldn't have loved that, I could tell you.

Anyway, since I did these last week, this is exciting for me because I can't remember this one is called lesbian lover. For years, my aunt would bring around her best friend to all the family parties. and then when I became a full adult I realized that it was actually her lesbian lover I got to think that's pretty common right everyone has a gay a friend everyone has a gay aunt uncle

yeah it is funny this is so-and-so's friend this is someone's so-and-so's friend but they're back in the day when it was very difficult to be a lesbian there were just tons of like best friends of women who just ended up living together because they're like, oh, they both never found someone.

They must be so sad and they're just living alone together. Meanwhile, they be fucking, they're having the best time. In Ireland, they joined the convent, actually. Oh. No, just kidding. But, well, no, I'm not actually. I didn't watch it, but there's like an iconic softball documentary about these like two women that played softball and stuff.

And they, I mean, it's pretty stereotypical, but it's pretty stereotypical. but they lived like an incredible romantic life that on the down low on the down low just like having the most beautiful beautiful marriage yeah i didn't have any uh gay answer uncles you you have a gay uncle mine but shout out uncle johnny he's also everyone has to check out his books on amazon john delio he really needs to be doing more film tictox actually i know i think we need to sit him down yeah because he has like there's a lot of spoofers out there yeah he knows everything about every movie and has incredible if you're like into movies and classic movies he is the guy i think you know maybe we'll do like a special burn of front-up soap where people message in to hear uncle johnny

uh discuss uh their favorite films oh i love that well also i do have to say though about Uncle Johnny. Park Slope where I was raised is so gay. By the time, I remember my mom one day, like, telling me, like, by the way, Uncle Johnny's gay. And I remember, like, having, like, I didn't. There was zero. I just, there wasn't even a reaction. Yeah. Yeah. I was aware of people being gay when I was young. He taught me tap dancing. Like, also, but yeah, I guess gayness was just so common in Park Slope. We were models, so we were around a lot of gays. I remember this one guy ran a catalog house.

His name was Jeff. That's the first time I was aware of my mother telling me somebody was gay. What's a catalog house? So like back in the day when catalogs were like a big thing. Yeah. You know? I fucking loved a catalog. Yeah, so there was certain, there was basically certain studios that they just were like nonstop shooting

for the catalogs and we did a lot of that stuff you know you could flick through any 80s catalog that does children's clothes and I give a 75% chance one of me or my brothers are popping up in like that cat. We did so much. Wow were there a lot of other families doing modeling where you had like a bunch of brothers doing it or were you guys kind of rare like you guys were like you were like you were like the in sync of child modeling. Zach and John Baker they're out there man I always I've literally tried to find them on Facebook. They were so cool. Did you have competitive nemesies where you're like, oh, they're here.

They're going to get the gig. I remember being jealous because Jamie Talisman got apart and born on the 4th of July. But Jamie Talisman was a good friend of mine. But I recall being being jealous there. No, I had some good friends, man. Paul Leahy. This is great. I bet everyone wants to make a name.

Yeah, I know. It doesn't matter. It's just funny all these names. Of kids you know in the 70s. I told you this recently, you know, for some reason, something came up about modeling and I decided to look up somebody and he he's a serial killer no but he went to jail I saw his mugshot he went to jail like he must have ended up like addicted to drugs and like went to jail for like arm robbery I saw his picture I was like holy shit I'm not

gonna name him but how do you look he looked like he was going to jail you go like still got good cheekbones but I was I was good buddies with him I mean they were happy times anyway let's not get to, you know, but somehow I'm more nostalgic for the past than you. Well, I feel like my family secrets will come out as I get older. I'm still. Yeah. Those aren't even family secrets. Those are just things from, all right. So that was the lesbian. Oh, this is kind of fun. This is kind of cute. This is funny. Hey, Hannah and Des. Love you guys so much. I'm seeing Hannah next week in San Diego. Let's freaking go. Okay. So when I was a little kid, my dad pulled me aside one day. I have three brothers. He pulled me

aside and said, don't tell any of your brothers this. Don't tell anyone I told you this. You promise? I said, yes, of course. I promised, daddy. I had my retainers in because I'm about to fall asleep. But then he said, you are my favorite child. And I was like, no way. He's like, yeah, of course. I mean, think about it. You're the best. Right? and I was like you know what you're freaking right I am the best sweet I'm dad's favorite child anyways a matter of time passes

and then one of my brothers goes well blah blah because I'm dad's favorite child he told me and then before you know it each of us was like what he told me I'm his favorite child and not to tell anyone it's cute

but the dad is playing some mind games That's a good parenting, I think. You think? Yeah, because if they challenge them, you say, because you're all my favorites. I love you all equally. You know? Make you feel special.

It's funny because that was my current crowd work when I talked to people about kids. I go, who's your favorite? And sometimes they immediately go, the oldest. People have favorites, bro. But then some people would be like, no, no. And I'm like, but then some people are like, yeah, one of them's an asshole.

Yeah, I do a joke about that too. Your kids could suck. Yeah. You know, that's the thing nobody wants to talk. about. I was like you've got to have a kid, but it's like, well, you know, a lot of them are duds. You know, you can really invest a lot of, you can invest a lot of time and money into a dud, you know, a lot of heartache. I think it's worth it? I don't know. Life hack. My little negative Nancy over here. I'm just saying, you know. I mean, our kid is going to be

annoying. That's for sure. Teachers have favorites. That's one of the great unseds. Oh, yeah. It was so funny like whenever like my my brother would like work in these sports camps and he would always like love one kid there was like one kid named tate and he like couldn't pretend that he wasn't obsessed with tate he'd be like yeah take good job tate and i was like dana you cannot keep doing this yeah there's a lot a lot of teachers but there's always a kid that tugs at your heartstrings where you're like oh i love you we got to do a teacher special one day i feel like this just going to be like one day you know what we're going to do one day when you're not available You're going to get your mom to guest host.

And it's going to be teachers send in your funny teacher stories. Oh, my God. I mean, the teachers. Because at least your mom can come in with the professional awareness. I do have to say, I think it's the hardest job. But also, there's, it's never boring being a teacher. Yeah. My thing with teachers is just they really get a lot of unfair criticism.

And I understand that there's bad teachers. And, you know, but I feel like people really like to exaggerate our ample. the stories of bad teachers and just ignore just how essential teachers are. They're raising our future. Yeah. And then they hit people with the, oh, they get summers off or, you know, and like, nobody wants to admit their flaws. So more often than not, it's bad parenting.

You're blaming the teacher. And then this is going deeper because there was teachers at my show last night in Syracuse and I was joking. And I was like, I feel bad for teachers because parents don't want to admit their flaws. So they blame the teachers when it's really the parents' fault. And I say it's and then I say And sometimes it's not even the parenting It's just genetic

So there's nothing you can do It's their parents' parents fault Yeah, yeah So just anyway I'll always give a shout out For the teachers man Oh hell yeah You know they don't get enough love

You know so essential Who the fuck wants to look after your kids So anyway Let's What they say Stephen Mullen said Kids are like farts Yeah he said

No because I was saying I was giving him my I think I just would not have kids. And he was like, kids are like farts. You know, you hate the, you hate the smell of others, but you love your own. Whatever. Guys, have you tried Rosetta Stone yet? Learning a new language.

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and take the first step towards better mental health today. You deserve quality care from someone who cares. Well, you know, we love pets, we love cats, we love dogs. Right now we have butter. Aiden has two cats now that Hannah has helped him to get. And, you know, we fostered all those dogs. And, of course, we adopted senior dog, Romeo. And, you know, there was an incident.

didn't, I won't give any details where I wish I had had pet insurance. You know, we insure everything, cars, phones, but pets, just a lot of times, we just don't think about it. And they go unprotected. With ASPCA, pet health insurance, you can get help with unexpected vet bills and make sure your dog or cat gets the care they need when they need it. And when you're looking out for them, there's a little something extra in it for you too. So when you enroll, in an ASPCA pet insurance health plan, you could get a $25 Amazon gift card. It's a little treat for you while you're doing something great for your pet. The program offers customizable accident and illness plans, making it easier to get your

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Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. Okay. This is, I'm going to try to say it fast, but this may have to be two parts. But my family secret was that whenever I was like seven-ish or so, I was looking through photo albums at my nana's house, my grandmother's house, and I found a wedding photo, and like my whole family's in it, and it's my mother's wedding to this man who I knew that I, and I just thought

he was my uncle's friend and my dad's friend, but it turns out it was my mom's actual, like, husband that they all still hung out with and apparently like my mom said it was like a short marriage they realized they didn't need to be married they were better off his friends so they stayed friends and then i guess he was really good friends with my uncle which is my mom's sister's husband and so then when she's telling me this she realizes that my dad needs to tell me something so go to part two. Here comes part two. Okay, part two.

So my mom, I guess, tells my dad, hey, you need to, like, tell her whatever. And so it turns out that my dad was also married before my parents were married. And he was married to this woman who had a child. And my dad thought that this was his child. Like, whenever she had the baby, like, they had been together before that. And he all, like, he thought this was his child. Raised this kid. She was an alcoholic.

He literally basically raised this child on his own. And then on his fourth birthday, the dad, like, shows up and says, like, this isn't your kid. And she had to break the news to him that it wasn't his kid. So it was really sad. And my dad, like, broke down telling me this. And this is all whenever I'm, like, eight or nine years old. And then eight or nine years later, my parents had a completely. tragic divorce that fucked me up

for a long time. Anyway, I love you guys. Write it down. Write it down. Write a book. Oh my God. That's like season one and two. Oh my God. Yeah. Holy cow. Well, she's probably hilarious this girl because of the trauma she's been through in her family. That's a lot. I mean... I think maybe eight years old wasn't really the time to be told that.

So this guy raised a kid for four years and that's like losing a child. No, 100%. Not to give a anything away, but you guys should definitely watch Nashville. I'm really into it. Not to give anything away, even though I'm famously one of the greatest spoilers of television shows and the history of podcasting.

It reminds me of some Nashville type stuff that I've been very into lately and I've been talking like this. But yeah, this is giving small town with a lot of overlapping. Wow, man. A lot of overlapping.

Poor dad. If you raise a kid, let's say to like seven years old and then you find out that they're not yours, do you say, hey, let's not tell them. It doesn't matter. I'm their father. That's common, man. But then when they're like 25, they find out and they get mad at you for lying. Well, I actually know a situation like that. And it just got a bit late. It's like, fuck, we should have told them. It gets away from you. Yeah, it's just, it's a hard one to know, you know. But then you don't know if you tell them...

But eventually, the problem is now with ancestry and everything, they're going to find out. And if you tell them at like eight years old, that might fuck up your long-term relationship with them. Well, I think, I think, don't quote me on this, but I think the best practice is to tell them when they're younger. But, you know, when it goes, it's a hard thing to deal with. I know.

Imagine you're 18 years old and you suddenly find out that the man that you thought was your biological father isn't at hard. Or maybe you just explain it, be like, look you've two dads this one gave the sperm and this one gave you his love yeah it's just it's a hard one that it's all that with adopted

people and I'm always fascinated by their desires to know and you know yeah then the siblings were like one's adopted one isn't that was like my favorite joke to my brother whenever I'd get mad at him I'm like oh you're adopted mom didn't tell you well my brother always my brother always

said the verb incorrectly so like when we'd be fighting and he'd be mad at at me, he would shout, say to my mother, Mom, we need to adopt him. When he meant, he meant, we need to put him up for adoption. But he would always go, we need to adopt him. How often was that happening? A lot.

We killed each other, man. We killed each other. One time, like, I really was, I was a horrible older brother, to be honest. I remember one time, my brother, Mike, I remember, I can literally visualize him. He's, like, out on the road, like out of the house, like, far away from me as possible, like avoiding me, like, roaring back at my mother who's, like, on the porch. And he's like, we got on daunt him.

And then she sent you to Ireland. That was a years later. That was years later. That was past the, that was past the, I was already an adolescent. There was no more, like, basically, once you get puberty, like, the, the beatings stop. Oh, because then, like, you're actually, like, going to kill each other. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's like, it's like kittens when kittens fight and they're just like, too, doing WWE, just throwing themselves around. Yeah, but we did, we did WWF as it was at the time. Every time, it was like, why are we doing this? Because it never doesn't end up in a real fight. So it's fun at the beginning. It's like suplex, you know, and then eventually somebody gets hurt and it turns into a real fight, like 100% of the time.

This is why sometimes it's good to have a boy and a girl because, like, it never, I don't feel like it escalates physically. Although PJ, who's birthday today, he's, listens a lot. Happy birthday, Pige. It's his birthday today, but his older sister used to kick the living shit out of him.

Well, he was probably annoying. No, but it was just the... And then he would pass it on to me. Peach, I kicked your shit out of me. Oh my God, yeah. I thought I was like so smart being like, hey Daniel, did you know you're adopted?

Like, I thought I was being like... Like, genius evil. Well, you know, I guess it might have hit the first thing. Because I was like, you're blonde. Why are you blonde with blue eyes? I should ask him if that ever got to him Because then my mom will be quick to step in And be like, Daniel, you're not adopted

And I'm like, she would say that She would say that I guess that comes from your grandmother But now Daniel has had two kids that look exactly like me and Daniel One's blonde blue eyes, one through that Yes, you also got a mix I guess maybe he wasn't adopted Which by the way is a great thing to do

if you are adopted or have thinking of adoption. Let's go for one more secret. And then there's kind of like somebody making a confession that's not part of the prompt, but I do find it kind of fascinating. Hey, Hannah, hey, Dads. Okay, my story is about my dad and his literal love of discounts.

So a few years ago at a family dinner, my aunt let it slip that they were like ghosts in the basement of the home I grew up in and didn't really know what she made. although like it was a creepy, like unfinished basement full of crickets and I hated it. And I ended up interrogating my parents about it and found out that the only reason why we were able to afford and move into that home was because it was offered at a major discount because the prior owner was a father with his son and his son was super depressed and drank a lot

and smoked a lot. And so there was a lot of smoke damage. And then the son killed himself in the home and the mother found him and was distressed and had to move out right away. And that's when my dad and family swooped in and thought, you know, we should raise our kids. We should raise our kids at this home. So, yeah. Oh, my God. So are there ghosts in the basement? Well, if one is silly enough to believe in such things, then I guess you would think that there was.

But maybe the kid was affected by the ghosts. yes maybe that's where the depression came from from the ghosts wow i there's definitely stories of you know this house is discounted because do you have to say if something happened there i i don't know because like i'm pretty sure because that amityville horror house still exists yeah but also i'm pretty sure like my apartment a woman died there how do you know that of old age Oh, oh, yes. I don't think she died in there, though. Oh, like she was in the hospital?

I believe so, yeah. I don't know. I thought I heard something like they checked in on her or something. No. I don't know. Yeah, maybe. But I wonder, do you have to say if someone did die there? I feel like you do because I've heard a lot of stories of like, oh, yeah, we got a discount.

Yeah, but it's so silly because it's just, I mean, whatever, man. Yeah. There's people dying all over the place. People be dying. There's death everywhere. That's like a high profile one, you know? I mean, yeah, I forget because I've watched too many of these, the Amityville horror situation, but like, you definitely sage the place.

Well, that brings me to another family secret that I discovered later in my life. Yeah. Which is, so all, my mother never knew that her grandfather. father hanged himself. Hung? I believe it's hanged. Okay. I could be wrong.

Okay. Will we look up the grammar? I feel like it's both probably, but hung is definitely works. Okay, well let's look it up because I love a grammar. Grammar dispute. You use hanged for people executed by hanging and hug for all other uses of the verb to hang.

Oh, wow. That makes complete sense. Yeah. Glad the English language is so simple. I thought that when speaking of suicide... I thought I saw... Even though it wasn't an execution, I believe they still say hanged.

Yeah, hanged. So... Okay, so there was a hanging. Yeah. Yeah, it's never a hunging. So anyway, he died by hanging. In the house, in West Cork, in Glengarraf.

And my mother never knew that. All her life, her mother would tell her that her grandfather died from a broken heart. Which wasn't wrong. Which wasn't wrong because my great-grandmother died during the Irish War of Independence. And he never got over that. But anyway, other shit went down. But you know what? I'm going to hold off on that secret because there was like other horrible shit that happened to it.

There was a lot of horrible shit that happened to Irish people back in the day. Yeah. And I joke about it in my show, me and mama, about all the dark secrets from my mother's side of the family and why I'll never be asked to do one of those like, who do you think you are shows? Because what do they call it here in America? Oh, it's, my mom loves it. In the UK, it's who do you think you are? But here, it's something else.

Yeah. But any of those shows where they go back on your history, that's why I've never been asked to do it because they'd be like, oh, this is too dark. Maybe if we do a Halloween special. Oh, God. Yeah, because anyway, he did, I have the, I think I've talked about it before, but I have the newspaper clipping from the inquest into his death. But so my mother only, my mother found that out because when I was doing a show at the Cork Opera House after I had become like well known, a cousin of mine, like a distant-ish cousin

comes up to me after the show and starts like letting me know all the family secrets including the suicide and I then tell my mother and like then they all find out and then they were like oh you know some of them were sort of vaguely you know there was like a little bit of awareness of it

but then the crazy thing is like robbery and they're like okay but then the crazy thing is that like everybody in Glenn Garf knows this story and basically the house that my grandmother grew up in which you can if you're bored one day everybody you can look at up the tunnel house Glenn Garf it's well documented house. It's quite famous because

there was this photographer that took a lot of pictures of it. So there's a lot of pictures. Why do they take pictures of that house? It's very unique house from the middle of nowhere in Benon, right on the border between Cork and Kerry at the Caha Pass through the mountains, the Cork and Carey Mountains. And so

basically the town knows all these stories about it and the fact that the priest of the town at that time was this horrible priest that was like shaming and naming and shaming everybody. And, you know, my grandmother's sister or my grandmother. We were never able to totally corroborate was sent to a mother and baby home

because of some untoward things that went down. And there was just a lot of dark shit. Anyway, the whole fucking town knows. That's what's crazy. Right. So after my grandfather did that, so my grandmother and her sister were sent to America, which is why I exist here, the other two sisters were sent to Dublin. And the brother was sent to the UK.

Oh, and sorry, and one other sister became a nun in the UK, my Auntie Birdie. Anyway, needless to say, they were... Birdie's a cute name. Yeah, that was like a nickname. Bridget, was there actually? So they were spread across three different countries, but the house ended up, you know,

just like going into so much disrepair that it was torn down, unfortunately, in the 1960s. But most people in the town wouldn't go near it because they said it was haunted because of what happened. the dark history of the Tunnel housing which is a direct part of my story. I do think there is something healthy though about like trying to understand

some of the mental illness in your lineage because it makes you feel less alone. Yeah. Well it's it's uh it goes it goes way back with us. Yeah but it makes you feel like okay like I don't need to believe in ghosts because I'm haunted by my own brain. That's beautifully sad babe.

It's beautifully sad. I'm haunted by generational trauma. Yeah. That's the Gen Zs love talking about generational trauma. Yes. And we try. Although there's no real science behind it, but the concept of it, it's very... I thought there was genetic science.

It's very enticing to believe that there is, and I hope that there is. But it's very hard to really sort of prove that there's anything other than perhaps, you know, passed on wounds in terms of like they keep repeating. same mistakes. Yeah, or just like each parent fucking their kid up. Yeah. But, but, uh, anyway, that's one of my secrets. Well, that's actually a lot of secrets rolled up into that little house. Yeah. You guys got homework. You got a Google tunnel house, Glengarraf. And you will see my great grandma there outside the house. What? Mary O'Connor. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you'll see her there. Anyway, a lot of great history there. I feel like I've brought nothing to this episode.

That's okay. When it comes to the past. and dead people, I'm there. This is where you really shine. This is my time to shine. Anyway, we'll just do... This is somebody making a confession, which I thought was really interesting. And then we need to go.

Okay. Because I need to pee. Okay. And all good podcasts end with a we. Yes. So here we go. Hi, my dad. I just need you to weigh in on something

that has my friend group device. So when I steal something under $10 from somewhere like Walmart, I feel like that's just a stand against capitalism and it's a victimless crime. So some of my friend group thinks that this is like hilarious, great. And then some of my friend group goes, you need to talk about this in therapy. And I already go to therapy enough for other things. So I would like to not add this to my plate. Anyways, love you guys.

Bye. I like the way it sounds like she's snacking. on something that she robbed from Walmart. She has like four mini-snickers that she's eating. Well, I, you know, I got multiple feelings on this. Yeah, well, it was when I first heard, like, that they factor into your taxes, like stolen goods from these places or something. Have you heard about that?

What? Oh, but do you mean like, like breakage and pilferage? Like, into your taxes? What do you mean? Basic or like, it's baked in. No, into the pricing of the goods. The pricing of the goods. Yeah.

I think Pelfridge is the word for... Never heard that in my life. I think that's the, like, I think... Don't quote me on that, but I think that's the word for, like, the sunken cost of knowing that a certain percentage of your stuff is going to be robbed. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You talk and we'll look it up.

Since we're... Since we're fact... My thing is just as a goody-to-shoes, I'd be worried that my friend's going to get arrested. Yeah, well, it's not ideal. Like, I feel like it's not worth the risk. Oh, sorry. Yeah.

So pilferge is the action of stealing things of little value. Yeah. It's a common issue faced by businesses involved in the storage. Why did I just think of like the Pillsboro doughboy when you said that? I don't know. Oh, because of the pill. Yeah. I'm hungry for a biscuit now.

But yeah, I don't think the reward is worth the risk. Yeah. So here's the thing. I think it's no big deal. I told you that before my mother used to always take a bag of grapes when we were shopping. Told you that, right? That was her, like, fuck you to the system.

Yeah, but she would eat the grapes while we were shopping. Yeah. And then not, you know, like put the bag down. You know, it was like a tax for her custom. But it was her that she didn't run that buy anybody. And then, but so I think on one level, it's not a big deal. Walmart's a big company. They can handle it.

But on another level, I do think you need to bring it up in therapy. because essentially there's either a little bit of kleptomania going on or perhaps there's just you're getting something from it that is maybe unhealthy. And we're not saying you're a bad person by any means. It could be helpful though in therapy to understand the why you're getting that urge because I don't think, like that, why is that the higher chasing? Because everyone deals, copes with stuff differently.

That's just just an interesting way. I mean, if you want to stick it to the man, there's probably other ways. Yeah, maybe, you know? Yeah. I also... You could protest outside Walmart to give their employees better health care. I'm definitely guilty of in Manhattan. There's all these buffets where, like, during lunch, you go and you'd fill up, and it's so expensive.

Like in the delis? Yeah, God forbid you get mashed potatoes, and it's going to be, like, $34. So, you know, I'm picking off the top while I'm waiting in line, and I'm eating. Oh, I like that. But, like, that's, that's just, like, you know, I was, you know. I'm such a good at two shoes. Like, sometimes when I'm shopping, I'll, like, grab a smoothie or something. Mm-hmm.

And I'll drink it. But I'll bring the empty bottle and they scan it. Which I always feel like a little dirty. I feel like, sorry. It's just, like, an empty bottle. But I do pay for it. I just also think it's nice karma to have. It's nice karma.

Yeah, I don't think Walmart, though, deserves any good karma. No. I'm not a huge fan of that company. No. I think that they really were. But, like, I just don't want this girl to, like, Just for fun, like steal a lollipop and then end up in jail. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think it's a healthy baby. I'm trying to keep the dialers like, you know, out of jail. In recovery, in the recovery world, we would be like, that's an old behavior. That, you know, that's like acting out. I would put that in the acting out category. Acting out, that's so interesting because that's what you do as a kid. But I guess we all do it as adults in different ways. Yeah.

in my in the early days of recovery i don't know if that's still you know the language changes yeah but we used to talk a lot about acting out that all you're acting out doing that i'm gonna start using that on you during our fights oh you're you're gonna accuse me of acting out yeah okay well that goes both ways just so you know okay just so you know i'll see you soon all right i'll see you at the next bout i'll see at the next argument dear missy You'll see who acts out more. Speaking of, since you kind of went Wisconsin with that, you guys, I'm going to be in Madison and Green Bay coming up.

Go to those shows. Tickets are almost sold out or sold out. Hanged them, hung them. Who knows? Go get them. All right. I'm in Fort Lauderdale next weekend. So come on.

You know what's so funny. He's like, I always get these messages on Instagram. When are you coming to Florida? then you put in a Florida date and it's like the tickets aren't flying out the door you know but it's a huge state you know

like when you come to Florida I was like oh I'm in Fort Lauderdale I was like oh I live in Tampa well what do you want me to do you know I didn't even mean to sound like Bill Burr there but sometimes I sound like Bill Burr it really annoys me

that people are like why is he trying to be like Bill Burr it's like no sorry I just sound like Bill Burr sometimes anyway now that Bill Burr is in the hot seat for Saudi Arabia maybe I maybe I could fill the hole there I think there's a space in the angry, liberal, white guy comedy space that needs to be filled. I still have integrity.

So come and see my lighthearted left of center comedy stylings at the Dania Beach Improv near Fort Lauderdale next weekend, Friday, Saturday. plenty of tickets left and then my next shows then after that are in Ireland although I am actually doing one of Ryan Reese's sneaky long beach shows I think on November 2nd

Long Beach Oh awesome I also want to add that I will be I added a second show in Medford All you Boston girls Who are like how do I come to Boston I'm going to Medford which is like 20 minutes out You're going to the Chevalier

The Chevalier And I'm going to be in Portland, Maine I added a second show there So let's go girls Let's go girls And Texas I'm coming to Texas Actually, can I say my Florida shows, too? Because I need to move those.

St. Petersburg, Fort Myers, and Coral Springs. Okay. Yeah, let's go, girls. Let's go, girls. See you there. And bring the boyfriends so Hannah can abuse them. Oh, my God, the poor boys after this weekend. And he sent some, like, some flower baskets or something.

I want some guy, when you start ripping on him to look at you and say, we need to adopt you. He'd be like, oh, that's a burn a phone listener right there. All right. So we'll talk to you guys. We'll talk to you guys next week. Bye. Thank you.

Bye. And for some reason, I was on my mom's phone, probably playing a game. I was younger. And it was near Christmas time. And one thing about me is I'm going to know exactly what's under that tree. I'm a super. So I go on their messages, and I'm like, hmm, what did they give me? I start scrolling through.

I find out they're swingers. They are swingers with their best friends who I've known my entire life. Needless to say, I've never looked at before them the same sense. I'm now 26 years old and I still cringe at it. And I honestly am traumatized for life from that. Hi, Hannah-Daz, big-time giggler, big-time dialer fan. So, yeah, my family secret that I wasn't supposed to know, but I found out. So long story short, my dad had like a perforated bowel.

and he was like coming off of the morphine after surgery and then was talking to the doctor about the pain meds and then basically like just blurted out and like somebody's like sorry honey but I was an alcoholic for like 20 years from like 18 to like 36 37 something whatever and then like yeah and then my mom then had to then like told me all of the back story everything and but yeah I was definitely not supposed to find out or that was not their plan at that moment so yeah

Yeah.