Berner Phone - Berner Phone #114: Dating Tips & Tricks

Episode Date: October 27, 2025

Des is joined by special guest Gabby Bryan to give their best shot at dating advice. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows

Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Were you doing my New York accent? Hannah was doing it. Yeah, but you know, it comes, like my Jersey accent comes out when I talk to you because your New York is cueing my jersey. When I talk to Irish people, it's the same.

Well, anyway, welcome to Burner Phone. We've started before we started. Hello. And this is Gabby Brian. Hello. Our guest host for the day, very good friend of Hannes. Yes. One of my great friends.

Accomplished comedian. Thank you. Blowing up right now. Thank you so much. And, you know, we were looking for guest host. Hannah suggested you. Of course, we've got to know each other over the summer. You're out in West Hampton and all that.

So welcome to the show. Thank you so much. And I do think I am qualified for this because I have dated every single man in the city as well as Europe. And that qualifies me to give advice across bounds. and I've dated women. Oh, well, in fairness, I didn't put out enough information about all your qualifications on this. But in fairness, the dating prompt, which was, does you need advice about dating or complaints about dating? And actually, a lot of people were just giving advice.

And thank you, by the way. The topic was your suggestion. I asked you, what would you like to talk about? Right. And in terms of my, like, things that I could specialize in, it's not HVAC, you know. it's not that kind of podcast anyway if I had to think of what are my talents I would say dating right that's but if that was your talent mm-hmm would you be in a stable relationship you're right maybe it's more of a maybe it's more of a passion a passion yeah that's your

passion that's my passion yes which is fair but also it's great because Hannah and I are married right obviously sometimes these topics come up like various different prompts You know, some people talk about dating advice and different things. And at the end of the day, it's been a while since we've been able to have the experience of a single person on the pod. Yes. I am not single right now, but I am single at any given moment. How long have you been in a relationship now? Five months. Oh, nice.

Thank you. I'm not up to date. Five months. But, you know, anything can change at any given moment. I don't want you to ruin your relationship, but is this guy the one now? I don't know. Oh. He's tall.

So, yeah, I guess. Maybe I go up with the tolls. You know, I'm... A Nikki Glazer joke just popped up on my Instagram today that she had done on the Tonight Show at some stage, which was get a short guy because it's like get a good looking short guy because it's like a good looking guy at a discount. Yeah, I get that for her and I believe that for a lot of women. Personally, it's not for me. It's not for you. I never want to kiss someone at eye level.

Yeah. And God forbid a little bend down kiss. I'll kill myself. Oh, yeah. I have to say I'm very critical of Hannah and a lot of people that sort of like are very openly heightest. Mm-hmm. I'm heightest.

Like, yeah, and I'm, I'm critical in a lighthearted way. Yeah, sure, but you're tall. However, what I will say is that I get it when it comes to a woman having to bend down to the guy. Yes. It does seem strange. Listen, I already have a ladder in my storage unit. Okay.

Is this a bit? This is the truth. This is the truth, okay? I'm trying to get as high as possible at all times. I can't have a little shorthy running around. Who's going to reach the cabinets? Who's going to get the battery out of the smoke detector? And, you know, in relative terms, I'm pretty tall.

However, I do notice when I'm with a taller person, which is, it's not that common, right? There's not that many people over 6'3. I'm not saying it's not abnormal. But when I'm with somebody who's, like, quite a bit taller than me, and I'm looking up, I feel weird. You know what that is? That's horny. What you're feeling is horny. Horny?

Yeah, because you feel when someone's tall, you're just like, you feel like. No, I feel. You feel cute. What you're feeling in that moment is cute. That's what it is. I think the feeling is more I don't like being beneath this person. Yeah, but flip the script on that. It's not a one.

I'm talking about a man. I know. Yeah. They will protect you so you get to relax for once. Yeah, it's a very female perception of what I was feeling there, but that's totally fine. Right. Well, of course. Well, yeah.

But I did date a 6-7 guy. Famously, you set me up with a 6-7 guy at one point. Yeah. And that... Who's the very guy that I'm talking about when I look up at him. Oh. Perfect. Yeah, he's almost so tall where it's like you're almost around a carnie, if you will.

Like, no, and no, he's a gorgeous, an amazing person. But, like, it's so tall where it's almost giganticism, where you go, how, I don't think you'll live very long. Like a big dog. You know how little dogs last like 13 years and big dogs? They last like seven. Oh, right. Yeah, like a Great Dane. Yeah.

You go, I don't know. I can't see you managing the world for that long in terms of doorways. Age longevity-wise, I don't think it's an issue. But definitely knees and back pain wise. Yeah. I think you're going to have to be more prone to illness. Yeah, you're going to slowly start. scrunching. So you know, Burnaphone is really driven by the dialers, as we call them, the people

that dial in. So this is actually in the history of Burnerphone, because you know, Burnifone was originally Burning in Hell with Hannah, which I think that you had done. Had you done Burning in Hell with Hannah? Did I? Ever? Her mental health podcast? I don't know if I did that. That was like right when we met. Okay. So anyway, since it's become Burnerphone, we've only had two other guest host. You're the third. One is Hannah's mother who did with Hannah. And the other is your great friend, Joanne McNally. Oh my God. Oh, I'm in great company. You're in great company. Oh, that's a perfect group. I was just talking about Lenore. So, anyway, let's go. Oh, and this is Chris, by the way, who you met before we started recording. Chris. Hello, hello. We are in the studio.

Doing good. I don't think we established that you were here. No, we didn't. No, he's been just mysteriously watching and laughing from the corner. But he's very much, he's a very cherished member of the team. Okay. And we don't, we haven't had Chris a lot over the last year. And in recent episodes, he's been here and there's been a great excitement about his return. Happy to be back. Chris, welcome.

And he brings in energy. Okay. But he's probably nervous today because he's not used to the tree. Why are you nervous, Chris? He's not used to the trio. Chris, stop. He's washing. He's literally washing.

Chris is washing. Yeah. So anyway, Chris, let's, I ordered, you know, because everything was like, we have a guest host today. You know, and sometimes. You know, last week we were just throwing in work. He put in work. I'm blushing, but he put in work. Does, you treat me so well.

I ordered them today. So, as I said, it's quite varied because there was a little bit of a misunderstanding about the problem. I wanted people to ask advice. Right. But a lot of people gave it. There was some complaints. A couple of funny ones. The quickies that are funny.

Anyway, Chris, take it away. Okay, I'm ready. Hello, burner phone. I would say that my beef with dating or dating. dating advice is people saying that like there are certain topics that are off limits to talk about um because i feel like there's so many conversations that kind of just like you need to know and i don't feel like there should be anything that you just like i have to like wait a certain amount of time to ask somebody like i feel like if the conversation is flowing and you are honestly

liking somebody like maybe don't ask them like if they want kids immediately but i don't feel like I feel like you can ask people, like, whatever you want. Like, I hate the, like, taboo of there being, like, certain, like, conversations you're supposed to have on a first date or, like, on a second date or third date or whatever. Like, I don't like that there's rules in what you can talk about or honestly in just, like, what you're supposed to do in general. Like, it's your experience. I feel like you can do whatever you want. And, yeah. This girl's crazy.

I love her. She is saying first date. She wants all of the drama, all of the tea, everything. And I agree. What do you think is like the obvious list that comes to your mind of things that, like they say, you shouldn't talk about? Kids, X, Y, did all of your last relationships end? What did all your, what hair color was all of your exes? That's something I personally want to know.

Religion? Yes, religion. Politics. I want Brunette to Blonde ratio. I want, yeah, politics. I want, what has your dad gotten into in the past that is a sense? secret that no one talks about. Like, I want mysterious family secrets. Yes. I'm agreeing with her. Yes. I'm saying that a first date is a business meeting. Like, let's think about it in terms of

the monarchy, right? The monarchy. The monarchy. Okay. This is a business meeting, old school marriage business meeting. Oh, right. Sorry, I got you. Like a feudal marriage. Yes. Okay. And I want all the paperwork, all the details, all the secrets up front, 35 minutes, meeting in and out and then I can consider if I want a day to. Yeah, I mean, I have to say, I agree to a degree because it's like a lot of the advice is basically, don't 100% be yourself initially because you want to lure this person in. Yeah, but that's sneaky mysterious. What's that? That's sneaky mysterious. The luring of it all. No, but what I mean is if you're basically hiding all the things that you want to talk about, then you're just really just misleading. Yes, it's a lot. You might as

find out early if you're going to have all these clashes. Yeah, I want them to say, my dad on a business trip to Minneapolis, started a secret family. We found out years later. It's all we can think about on Thanksgiving. Interesting. Because that was a topic to two episodes ago. Really? Yeah. Family secrets revealed. But what I will say is I would have never thought that was like a taboo subject. Like I would have thought that would be like a fun conversation. Same, but that's because you're psychotic and we're comedians. Yeah, no, but Chris, do you think that would be like a taboo one? I could see it going wrong and I could see comedians being more comfortable with it,

but I tend to want to dig a little too. Yeah. I feel, for me, I feel like it was more like religion, politics, and exes. I want to know exes. What was the other one? What was the big one? Oh, kids. I think not bringing up kids is good because that's,

just a bit like that's a bit too much about like if this relationship works out yeah yeah yeah that's too um between us yeah and too much like that's too much like projection of the future also you never know that guy could say no and then changes mine yeah although i recently i'm not going to say the scenario because i don't want to out this guy but i was in a uh uh like an intimate situation in terms of like you know healthcare it was but the tall guy it was a healthcare situation and uh you know he was telling me that his girlfriend a bit of an age gap

we were bonding over the age gap thing and he was saying that yeah the only problem is that she wants to have kids and I really don't want to have kids and he was thinking about breaking up with her for that and I was like, what do you expect when you date a young woman? No offense.

Yeah, no it wasn't like it wasn't outlandish. It was actually less of a gap than me and Hannah. So it was just he just doesn't want to this guy. And she really does want to. Yeah.

Yeah, and he's going to break up with her over that, which I was like, wow, dude. But what's the alternative? You have the kid and you hate it? Well, no, but I just, you know, I just, I mean, I get it, but I would feel that, you know, I feel like that's something you might regret down the road. Also, listen, this man, he's an old man, let's say. Yeah, but he's younger than me. So this is the thing, when I say this age, it's like an 11-year age gap and he's like three years younger than me. That feels normal to me.

Yeah, it was a normal age. But the reality is that he does not want to have kids. Yeah, but do you want a young hot girlfriend or do you want no one? Yeah. Like, you're going to have to make some concessions here. I mean, I get it. I mean, hey, more power to him if he wants to remain a bachelor. But if he's going to keep going for that age group, he's going to keep having this problem.

Well, yeah. And then he should switch the 11, he should go 11 years older than him. Yeah. Get an old divorcee, spinster. Yeah. Or somebody whose kids are like at least teenagers. Yeah. Or just someone whose eggs are sort of dried up

and there's not even changed. I will, in 15 years, I will play that back to them. You don't know how cold you were. You were evil back then. Yeah. So, yeah, other than the kids, I think it's, you know, isn't Hannah Hannes thing is go to the DMV, like on the first date to like,

you might as well find out all your, you know, like all your good and bad shit. Let me see your passport. I want to look at every single stamp. Where have you been? What have you been up to? Tell me your entire past, everything you've ever done. No judgment, but like, let's have fun with this.

Okay, so let's... Give me a secret. I used to ask on a first date, I would go, tell me a secret. Now, have you ever had in real life actual story? Like, somebody who brought up something that you were like... Yes. One time I was dating this man. You're already dating, though?

No, no. This is the first night I met him, but I dated him afterwards. He was Mexican man. living in L.A. actor, but he grew up in the cartel in Mexico. Ooh. And he told me on our first date that he once killed a man. What? Yes.

I said, tell me a secret. And he said, I killed a guy. And I've never told anyone that before. And I was like, well, I don't need legal implications here. Okay, I suggest. And then I dated him for five months. What I need you to do is to go on that, What is it? Is it a Facebook page or a website? Are we dating the same guy?

Yeah. And find out how many women he told that on the first day. About his murder. I've never told anyone this. That's so true. I actually never even considered that that was the lie. I mean, I'm not saying the murder was the lie. Oh, yeah, yeah. That he hadn't told anyone before.

Yes. I was like, thank you for trusting me. That's why I worked on everyone. He was so jarring with the murder that all the other girls just overlooked it. But he also made you feel special on the back end. Exactly. That's exactly why I worked. You know what?

I'm pissed off. Yeah, sorry. I mean, maybe don't confront him. Because of his history with murder. Right. But I will say... It's also quite a lot of information. Like, I feel like that wouldn't take the sleuthy dialers very long to figure out who you were talking about.

He gave a full detailed story of the murder as well. Wow. Really? Yes. You sure it was like a part in a movie he played? That's true. Maybe he was being method. Well, you know, unless I have no idea, by the way, but like, you know, when you see things,

things like the Tindler swindler and everything, you realize that some people are, like, very good at spinning tails. But then you dated this guy, so by the way, you were with him for five months. So, like, did you ever discover any evidence to the contrary? Well, I believe the story. I believe in the story. It's also, he's admitting a crime. Yeah, and also, like, that's how good looking he was, is that on the first date, he told me that he killed a guy. And I said, so awesome, do you speak any other languages? Like I told me he was in construction Oh, that's nice I just accepted that

And I said, well, you're tall So All right Well, don't, you know, I would Well, I was just about to suggest Don't bring up the time you murdered somebody But then it worked on you It worked so well

I said he trusts me He trusts my energy so much Yeah, I tell you one thing The dialers are not going to trust your advice as much After this moment Listen, I was young Thank God we didn't do the red flags episode. This was early 20s, my angels. I'm in my 30s now. I've learned my lesson. It was exciting. It was

exciting. You're in L.A. He had a convertible car. What am I going to not date him because he killed the guy? I picked up Hanon in a convertible in our first date. See, it works every time. It works every time. You could kill a guy and pick a girl up in a convertible and she will still date you. Let's take another one, Chris. On to the next one? Yes. My ordered. Hi, hi, Daz. I'm looking for some advice about when you and your partner have different love languages um so my love language is words of affirmation and his is giving gifts and spending time um so i have also have ADHD so if i forget to schedule a date or forget to schedule like just do something small that he was expecting um he takes it incredibly offensively that i forgot and i don't

care about him and that is not the case at all i love him to death um but when i ask for reassurance i'm worried that he thinks I'm being too needy, which I'm really not. I'm not overly asking for, hey, tell me, love me, tell me, like me, tell me, et cetera. I think it's just huge disconnect where I need to hear that his thoughts and his feelings versus he really needs to be shown and we are struggling. What were the two? Hers were words of affirmation and his. and his was quality time and Gifts.

Gifts was one of them. Which is like, check the box on Gifts, bitch. Yeah, you got excited there. I was like, hell yeah. I mean, that rocks, obviously. So that, you won there, let's put that aside. You lit up on the love languages. So it's this is an area.

I love love language. Who doesn't love them? Well, take it away. Well, this feels very classic girl to me, where it's like, she needs to hear something. He needs to see something. It's comedy of eras. Eras.

Oh. See, my accent just came out because of you. your fault. Comedy of eras. Yeah. Um, and you're never, he's never going to communicate the way you communicate. He's a guy. Okay. If you want a man who's constantly so vocal, date a gay guy. That's my advice for you. I've dated many gay guys and it's fantastic. Yeah. Dave, if you want a man who's emotionally available but not sexually available, date a gay guy. Data gay guy. But right now it seems like you're dating a straight. So let's work with that. Right. I mean, That's very nice, kind of abrupt, good advice.

Yeah. Now, what about the deeper part of the practical sort of way of working around? Because she says they're struggling. Also, why are you planning dates? Why is the girl planning dates? That's a boy job. Yes. That's a boy job.

You go, tonight I'm in the mood for Italian. And then he gets to pick, he gets to Google Italian restaurants within two blocks, and then he gets to make a reservation. Okay, so what I will say is, She needs to stop making the assumption that her looking for what is essentially pretty foundation level, like expression of a foundation level needs. It's not needy, actually. It's just like the bare minimum.

Yeah. She needs to stop thinking that looking for that is going to be perceived as needy. And if it is consistently perceived as needy, then... He's toxic. Yeah, then it's not going to work out. Also, you have ADHD. Like, give him a doctor's note. Yeah.

Now, listen, I get it. Everybody has their stuff that they want, and sometimes they don't get it, and they get annoyed on both sides from the two of them. Yeah. But this shouldn't be the kind of level of conflict that this is shouldn't become something that's... So deep. Well, no, it shouldn't be irreversible.

So I think if I'm taking her at face value, I think she may be overthinking it in her head. and maybe it's time to just vocalize her desire, but maybe I'm also wrong, and she's already gotten past that point, and now she's like, what am I going to do? Well, she said she loves him to death. That makes it seem serious. But he does seem to get irritated in a way,

yeah, in a way that's like, I don't understand why he's so annoyed about that. Why would he think you're needy? A, first of all, if a man ever calls you needy, shoot him with a gun. But B, if he's saying that he's not getting his, like, affection from you because you're forgetting to plan dates, but you have ADHD, so why would you have the job? Is that what it was, forgetting to plan dates? Yeah. Why would the person with ADHD?

So acts of services and gifts is his thing? That's, yeah, but if he's acts of service, then he should be planning the dates. Yeah. Weird. And then she's words of affirmation. Just call him hot, tall, and great hairline over and over and over on repeat, learn it in a bunch of different languages. Say that nonstop. Yeah. Hot, tall, great hairline. Over and over and over. That's your job, period. Yeah. Except his gifts, obviously, that rocks. Yeah, it does sound a bit like he's kind of like giving her a hard time about stuff. That's not a big deal. Yeah. And that is a sign of a little bit of controlling slash manipulation.

But this is, again, an assumption. Yeah, we don't know all the details. We can't call him toxic, but he does seem toxic. It just gives a hint of that. Yes. Because these are low-level infractions. This is like a pissy conversation before dinner. at most, you know, stuff that you get over

when you have a good night's sleep. Yeah, but this is something that's been rolling through your head so much, though, that you called into a podcast. Because it's not really dating advice, is it it kind of relationship advice? It's very specific to what's going on with this guy. It's a relationship, it's deeper.

And I want to be clear, I know. And I wouldn't have brought you in for this level. You're not qualified. You're more of a... You're more of like a getting excited about murder kind of a gal. No, I see why I shouldn't have brought that up. I'm joking. I'm joking. I think, first of all, I know I've been Hidus this whole podcast, and I will continue to be, by the way.

If this man... Are you making an assumption this guy short? Yes. That's terrible. If this man, dude, not even that. If, from all I'm hearing about his personality, if he is below 5'10, break up with him the moment you hear this. Okay? If he is above, then we'll work on this.

Wow. That's how I feel. I know. This is the problem. All these female comments, you guys have this like, this. This blanket thing of dismissing shit. But this has been a belief system for me long before I did comedy. I know.

But listen, I'm not going to name him. But there was a short comedian that I think he's on his way to being a serial killer. And I think it's partially because of the abuse. I know exactly what you're talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about. But here's the issue. It's dangerous. It's dangerous.

I'm 510 and a half. I have every right to say I need a big boy because I'm a big girl. That's fine. The girls that are out here at 5-2 saying she needs a 6-3 person, leave get away from my group my fit yeah like literally there's a whole group of men that are being dismissed that would be perfect for you yeah don't come into my land yeah go for five eight guy yeah i need big yeah but it's honestly it's it's it's darwinism yeah and it is they want the next generation to be taller it's really about evolution at its core that's that's a lot a lot down to that

we and there's a scientific there's a scientific survival of the fittest situation that we can't deny. That we can't deny. So, okay, well, I think... I don't like this guy. I don't like this guy. Thank you for your honesty. And give us an update.

We like updates on the more serious ones. Yeah, I need more specificities. Well, you always need more specificity because unfortunately they're restricted to these one-minute phone call. But I do feel like I need a headshot. For this one specifically. But looks eventually fade when it comes down to like turmoil. The eyes and the bone structure say a lot.

Yeah. And once again, the hairline. But I think all of that will be key factors. And I also need to know what length of pant he wears. That's helpful. Interesting. So what's a length? I don't trust a man who has like his pants folded up where you could see a little ankle, little sock.

Really? Yeah. Even though that was a trend for a while. But that's the issue. It's too trendy where that man. is focusing so much on trends about how much of his ankle should be showing that that is a psychosis.

Interesting. And he's too focused on things. I want a man who puts on pants that are covered in mud and he doesn't even notice. Okay. Metaphorically. And is your current boyfriend a tradesman? My current boyfriend

is a redneck. Really? Yeah. Oh, actually, I did know that you were seeing some, but now I remember. My current boyfriend wears a cowboy hat dead serious. Oh, okay. All right. Well, that's fair enough. So, okay, just a very quick question. What if a guy's wearing the current trend, which I hate, which is like super oversized suit? That's also bad because that's still paying attention to trends. A man who's too focused on trends unless they work in fashion, I just, also a man that works in fashion,

I just think that's too serial killer focused for me. Yeah. I mean, I don't think it's serial killer focus, but sometimes trends just suck. I just can't wait for this oversized trend to fade. Sometimes it's like, oh, we've done all this. Now we have to do this. Yeah, it's just too... You know, just because we need a variation. But this... It sucked the first time, by the way.

It sucked in the early 90s. Right? The early 90s streetwear was amazing. Glad that came back. Yep. The early 90s suit style sucked. And now it's back and it sucks. This is why men just need to dress like British men.

I'm sorry I know you're mad at me for this I'm not I thought of work for Burberry I know exactly that's exactly right British men wear a perfectly loose but straight leg

pant that goes all the way to the ground all the way to the shoe right am I getting too no it's okay you like a break that's what the tailor would call

do you want a break yeah I want the break right at the shoe you want a little bend yes just a little like a little yeah anyway it's a fact fashion podcast. Are you okay, Chris?

Yeah, I'm good. Are you mad at me? No, not at all. Just checking. Please. Hey, Hannah and Des. Hi. Love you guys. So my best dating advice, because this worked for me, is that if you're using the apps, then you should just report a boy that you like to the apps so then they can no longer use the apps. And that's why I started dating my boyfriend. I don't know if that's confusing. But essentially, you just, you're like going on a couple of dates and you're like, I don't want him to see other girls.

So I reported my boyfriend to Hinge. And I was like, he threatened to kill me. Obviously didn't. And then he got permanently banned from Hinge. So it's just called, you know, girls in STEM, taking matters into your own hands. Because we laugh about it now, but he was like, yeah, I wasn't able to, like, date anyone else.

So we just started dating. And I was like, perfect. So, yeah, passing out advice on to the girlies. I don't know if that's, like, illegal, but whatever. Very funny. Literally, I voted for president. This girl's a genius. this is the sort of like well-rounded thinking that I'm looking for.

Yeah, I mean, it's in there for our entertainment. I don't have anything else to add. I just thought it was really funny. Now, again, this is one of these ones where you hope it's true because it's hilarious, but even if it isn't, it's a well-constructed bit. It sounds true. It sounds true. In her voice, she's being dead serious.

Yeah. She sounds too proud of it for it to not be true. And she's still with the guy and they joke about it, which shows he has a good sense of humor. They're soulmates. Yeah. I think she's a genius and she's. thinking about the big picture. Yeah.

She's saying that if I do that, it's like, it's like a five-year plan. I just would be worried about if it doesn't work out for them, what she will say to him when he says, I'm leaving you. She'd be like, oh, you take good luck. No, she'll say, well, I'm going to report you to the authorities and you will only ever stay with me. I think he's already kind of there. He's got no other options.

I think she's just the perfect amount of crazy. He can go back out and date. He just can use Hinge. Yes, yeah. Yeah, but like what other app are you going to go on? I'm assuming he can't get on Raya, no offense. What is he going to go down to Tinder? He's not going to get an amazing group of women.

Like, she really nailed him. There's a caste system. But we've been off the app since 2020. What is the hierarchy of apps today? Top one, Raya. But you go on Raya and it's all tattoo artists and photographers. And they're all my exes. to them. The second round is Hinge. Hinge, like, respectable, people who work in business. I find it to be

the blazer of the dating apps. The blazer. Yeah, it's like a tailored, you know, then Tinder. Oh, Tinder is third. Tinder's last, really. So what about Bumble? Oh, I forgot about Bumble. Bumble. I don't trust a man pretending to be a feminist on Bumble. You mean because the woman speaks first? Yeah, and he sort of went out of his way to choose that app to be like, see, I am totally fine with this. It's like, I don't believe you. I have to tell you, we didn't, did Hannah and I talk about the Bumble event that we went to? I don't think so. Well, I have to tell you that Hannah and I were invited to this Bumble event and I was like a little bit cynical, to be honest with you. So it was a celebration of love

and it was all a bit like, you know, what in my mind was like the marketing of relationships is like, you know, basically marketing related to like the fact that Bumble is a business, right? So I was very cynical. I had my cynical hat on. Right. And some of the people that were there were successful married couples that had originally met on Bumble. And two of these couples made speeches and I was literally crying. Oh my God. And by the way, these people were not, like, employed by Bumble.

These are normal. Because I was taught, I was actually sitting with one of the couples for the entire time. And this couple were so cool and, like, couldn't, we kept in contact, like, amazing couple. And then this other couple who I hadn't been talking to, who I would have automatically dismissed as, like, a douchebag. Yeah. And both of their speeches, like, I was literally crying. And then I was like, wow. Wait, that's.

You can be overly cynical about that. No, I know we're joking around about apps, but I'm kind of, listen, I'm not, you're pro-Bumble. I'm not, but I'm not employed, like, I have no, no business connection with Bumble. But after this event, I was won over. Yeah, and now you're contacting them about a brand deal. No, I'm actually not. I just, because we were talking, you mentioned, I asked you about Bumble, and then you were like, oh, where does Bumble go? And I, I do like the joke that you made, but I also sometimes think my own cynicism can get in the way of how

amazing shit has happened from the apps. So true. Well, I think Bumble really is a beautiful platform that calls to really nice men, but there's always a sinister group disguised as the nice ones. That's who I'm speaking of. The fake male feminists. The fake male feminists. There's obviously a bunch of real feminists in there doing the Lord's work. Although I would argue that there was a time where there was too much focus on calling out the fake male feminist and probably took our eye off the ball on the absolute fucking insane misogynist that we're going to take over the world.

Agree. I think maybe we should have focused a little bit less on these sort of like dubious allies. Yeah, let them fake. Let them act. Maybe a little bit more on the obvious animals. Yes, I agree. I also love Bumble BFF just to give that business their flowers. Bumble BFF, if you move to a new city,

it's just for friends. And every time I tour, I hear all these girls meet all their girlfriend friends groups on bumble and be a friend. Really? Yes. That's the side of the business I really believe in. Wow. Now, by the way, I didn't need you to defend bumble. I was just, I just reminded me of the story.

So the hierarchy is Raya. Raya hinge, Bumble, now, tinder's the bottom. And is there anything else? J-date and all these things? Any.com is none of my business. Right. Let's just put that aside. There's plenty of fish still a thing?

Yeah, dot com. There's plenty of fish still a thing? There's also like the league, which is sort of. What's up with that? It's like Raya adjacent. But it's more like intelligent. It's more like people, men in business. Yes.

In big business. Yes. But the app confused me and I stopped using it after a week. Yes. Hey, don't make the platform confusing. I'm clearly naturally blonde. I'm dumb. Don't make me have to.

Raya is better for men, I have to tell you. I liked Raya. I dated a guy on Raya. Yeah, I did. I had some good connections on Raya. But I feel like women, like, because I, I knew some people that showed me the sort of the mail product. Right.

And it was definitely a much higher hit rate for us than it was for the guys. Wait, what's the one? What's the kink one? Oh, I don't know. I don't know why I looked right at you. He ain't right in my souls. Chris, what's your kink? No, I'm just kidding.

What's the kink? There's a kink one that everyone's on. It still exists. It still exists. I do know what you're talking about. It's called Field. Field, thank you. Oh, you didn't want it.

You didn't want to know it too fast. What's filled? Oh, what is it, by the way? What is filled? It's like a gang one. No, I know, but like, how does it work? So you do specific kinks, like, whether it's like, I don't know. Golden showers?

Yeah, golden showers, getting tied up, specifically big dicks. Like, really necessity, necessities, little psychotic necessities, and then you're matching with people who have similar kinks. But it's wild. Wow. I went on it for a day and I said, I'm a little too Catholic for this. I'm a Jew.

I dated a girl who was, she was like kink adjacent. In what way? I'll tell you in what way. So she used to get invited to like the sex parties and stuff. But she would never take part, but she loved sort of like the voyeurism of it. And she liked the attention that she would get at it,

but she could never bring herself to the, she wanted to in her mind. and I think she would think she would fantasize about feeling free enough to do something crazy like that but she just couldn't. I went to a sex party once. But she, the last thing I'll say is she was the first person, I never went to any of that, but just her telling me about it's like,

fuck, there's some weird people. Yeah, there's a whole underground society of like sex parties. Yes. And me and all my friends were like, let's just see what that's like. And I got invited to like an exclusive one. It was in a brownstone, a whole brownstone, right by the cellar. So I walked in there like And of course you're a woman

You get in for free, right? Get in for free And the guys are paying like three grand or something Yes, but you get in there And there's like 100 women and six guys Really? Yes

And none of the women were like Even a little bit gay either So it's like if you're working with ratios At least a little bit no I ended up talking about real estate The entire time with a guy So that's a disappointing sex party I thought you want to walk

in and just see like abject chaos. Yeah, but the chaos sort of slowly unfolds. Like, it starts like everyone's in suits and then everyone sort of slowly gets into lingerie. Like, it was very cinematic. But then once everyone's having sex everywhere, you're like, ugh. Like, it's not like sexy like

a movie. You're sort of looking around and you're like, it smells fucking weird in here. Let's be honest. Yeah, it's more like a hygiene issue. Yeah, you're like, oh, not everyone's wearing deodorant. Also, there's a lot of velvet. of it in this room. I can't imagine it's been vacuumed any time to any like time recently.

And then I end up in a conversation with this older Jewish man. I'm a Jew. And then I end up asking like what's better buying a condo or a co-op for upwards of three hours. Meanwhile he's jerking off the whole time. His kick is talking to younger women about property. About local real estate. And then at the end I go, do you want a kiss? And he goes, oh no, I can. I'm married. And I was like, well, this is a bit of waste of time. And then he goes, I'm actually one of the owners. And there's an after party. afterwards. So he's like, stay. And then I stayed. It wasn't an after party. It was a full business meeting with like all these old men talking about like growing the business and getting investors. And I was sitting there like shivering and lingerie being like, this is crazy.

Yeah. Didn't even get kissed. What a letdown. I mean, there were there were women getting tied up and I was sitting there talking about co-op. What's a co-op? Talking about co-op boards. I was like, do I own the sex party now? Why am I here? Yeah. All right, let's go. That was meant to be a joke that one. I love talking about that one for 15 minutes I loved it So I'm addicted to Revolve Mainly because they have two day shipping

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dot p-a-a-a-parall.com slash burn. and enter code burn. Chris, are we going to be able to get through these? Yeah. Go for it. Okay, hi. I'm Canadian Giggler here. Where I wanted advice for dating is I'm dating a guy.

We've been on three dates going really well. I am smitten by him and he makes me giddy. However, he exhibits a lot of qualities that my ex does. in the sense of like anxiety depression and then I'm already feeling like I'm falling into caretaker mode and like I just know I can't be with someone again like that so my question is is there a point in continuing to date this guy have fun with him potentially develop more feelings if like I know that he is not someone that is my forever person for context I'm also 31 so I'd like to be my forever person but I'm also just like having fun at the same

time. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks. Bye. Does, I'm curious your thoughts. Because I have strong ones, but I want you to go first. Well, I'm not a great, you know, I just think if you're automatically, if you're already identifying, right, because basically you're intent to find two things. One, that this guy reminds me of your ex, but two, you probably have a, you probably have a type, which is an issue, right? Which is, you know, I'm not going to get into psychoanalyzing people, but if you keep finding you're having situations where you want to care take for somebody. Where does that trauma come from, girl?

Yeah, and all that. So it's always, but I also 100% identify, particularly from a man, like a very manly way, a very male way of thinking would be like, yeah, I mean, probably long term's going to be a problem, but it's fun for now. So you want to, you want to keep getting that action. But obviously, you know that it could evolve into something more complicated. God forbid you fall in love. Yeah.

Well, she seems to be already. That's the problem. The giddy, the giddy. Oh, you're fucked when you're giddy. So you give your, because I always try to be a bit diplomatic. I'm not a diplomatic person. Okay, go for it. So never date a man with depression.

By the way, she says he's showing signs, right? Signs of depression and anxiety. Yeah. I mean, everyone has a little anxiety. I think anxiety is normal. Depression, I think depressed people should date depressed people. I think when you date a depressed person in your not depressed. You can't fully put yourself

in their shoes. Yeah. I have a very bad understanding of depression. So do I, obviously. That's why I'm not. I never, you know, I just don't understand. But she's obviously had some experience with it, so she's seeing some signs. Well, there's nothing sexier than a sad man. It's like dating Jack Skellington. It's like

dating... Who's Jack Skellington? He's the skeleton in a nightmare before Christmas. You know I speak of. He's upset because he loves Christmas, but he is stuck in Halloween No, I actually, I don't think I've ever seen it, but that's a Tim Burton movie. Yeah, he's my type.

So, just like a man who would smoke a cigarette in the rain, like I totally understand that the call as a woman to that spirit. And you know what it is. It's actually, because I'm 31 too, it's exactly the media that we were fed when we were teenagers. Twilight, vampire diaries. True blood. Sad, misunderstood, depressed vampire. Yes. That's important.

Yeah, a man who's just can never, no matter how long he's lived and how much money he's collected, he's still so sad. Yeah. That's why we love them at our age. But yeah, it's a total bummer and you don't want to date. I always think like what bring, date a man who you would want to bring to the cocktail hour of an event who would be fun and charismatic. Oh, that's a great criteria. That's what I look for. Because the cocktail hour is the one where you're free to roam.

Yes. and strangers and there's no seating so they're sort of flipping you know floating floating around that's the criteria

I think us all like all women need so a depressed man would never do that oh no unless he's manic you get him on a you get him on a high day

then he's the life of the party that doesn't count all right well here's my here's my like calm like what I think is reasonable advice, which is... Mine's not reasonable. No, no. I think that

she definitely should... No. I'm kidding. No, this is like my take on it. I think you have a little bit of time to investigate a little further. Yeah, okay. I think, because, you know, you're not a psychiatrist, so you may be a little bit wounded slash paranoid from your previous experience. Right. So, keep an eye on it. You've raised some, you know, some

some triggers. Keep an eye on it. If it's clearly what you think it is, then I do think that you should probably get out if you feel like you can't deal with that. It's not like you want to tell, hey, all your press guys, you're never going to meet anybody because, you know, nobody can look after you. But at the same time, it's like you've had this experience, you know, how difficult it can be. So I would say, keep an eye on it and get back to us. Yeah. Yeah. I think also sometimes you tell yourself stories in a new relationship like you're taking the story from the last one and you're bringing it in so you might it might not even be reality but but but i think because you're you know like you you you think you've seen stuff already i don't think you should hang around for

long if it really seems to be an issue because there's nothing worse when you catch feelings and but you know they're not the forever person and you go what's a girl to do yeah i know but then it's also it's hard right because the caretaker obviously there's a part of the caretaker sort of dynamic that is like your own shit yes but then on the flip lip side, there's also part of that dynamic that is genuinely caring. Yes. And you want to help somebody. So it is a very difficult dynamic to advise on because it's like what's the line

between, you know, you actually being a good person and helping somebody and you actually, you know, going back into a cycle that you may never escape? Also, is he helping, is he caretaking you as well? Because then that feels equal. Yeah. In a way. Well, that's the, that's always the weakness of this format. that we don't have the follow-ups, unfortunately.

Once again, I need a headshot. I need stats. I need what style of shoe he wears every day. But enjoy this initial section for now. Yeah, have fun. Stop thinking about it. We get so in our heads in the beginning. Keep an eye on it.

You could wake up next Tuesday and say, I think he smells weird and then never talk to him again. All right, Chris, go for whatever it is. Hi, Hannah and Des. So my complete about dating is like the constant texting before you actually know the person. I feel like it gives a false. sense of familiarity um like if i just met you one time and you're sending me a good morning text

i'm going to get the ick the like checking in the like how's your day going what are you up to how's your night like save that for when we're an actual couple i'm not saying like don't text me at all like if you saw like saw a cool movie that you thought i would like you know like we can keep some a little bit of banter going but the constant check-ins it just doesn't see you appropriate for someone that I don't even know yet. Like, can we get to know each other in person? I feel like I'm being surveilled if someone is just like checking in with me all day. I have been single for seven years, so I've become a touch avoidant, but I don't know.

Is this a me problem? That's a you problem, my sweet. Yes. No, but I do think, you know, when you watch a lot of the, did you watch that documentary at Netflix, not the Tindler, but the woman that was, was sweet. Swindled by the Tindler Swindler, did like a series of... You guys loved that documentary. Yeah, but...

Hannah brings it up also all the time. And I'm like, you guys really love that. You think about it, both of you individually. Now, one of the women that was swindled has her own show on Netflix. Wow, they really did spin-off careers. Yeah, so she went to other women that have been, like, love conned. That's exciting. I don't watch documentaries because I don't want to know any of the bad things that are

happening in the world. No, the only reason this flagged it for me is like it is one of the, tactics initially is the heavy texting. Oh, well, I think we're very confusing as women, not to victim blame, but we're always like, we're giving these, these dumb idiots, and I love them, by the way, but we're giving them confusing, contrasting information, and then no boy our age knows what to do. You're like, when do I text? Do I text too much?

Do I wait three days? Do I text immediately? Do I bring it? Do I say good morning and good night? Or do I just say, here's a funny picture? Like, none of them know what to do because we keep changing our mind, which is fine and we're allowed to. But you need to give this man some grace because he's just trying to... Well, she's not even talking about a specific guy.

She's saying how she hates how guys start texting earlier. Right. I do agree, though, and I also get the ick when someone's texting me nonstop. But I don't know a way out of it. Yeah. But sometimes it is a love bomb, right? It is a love bomb tactic. Yeah.

I'll just stop answering that much. Yeah. Let one text lay there. for like six hours and then go ha ha ha ha ha and then he'll text you way off it's just like

it's like dismissive but it's a big ha ha ha ha guy but it's a specific I'm out of ha ha ha ha I'm a big fan of the ha ha ha ha yeah but you text like an old man yeah trust me common theme

every time you text me I go does his blood red mad at me trust me this is a running theme on the pod yeah that's just you as a person last week or the week before I think every week pretty much

Anyway, ha ha ha. Hilarious. You'll text like, well, no, period. And I'm like, does want me dead. And I'm just like asking if he wants lunch or something. Well, one of the only times that we were actually texting was about something quite serious. Oh, that was tea.

That was tea. But anyway, nothing, nothing controversial. But it was not a lighthearted topic. Yeah, we were texting about deep drama. So anyway, so what I will say is here's a here's a here's a here's a here's a gen x take that i stand by from my dating days live from the unions of new york and it worked and even what it worked when you know i would be you know crossing the generation and dating a millennial uh phone calls is a really great tactic agree in the early part

of a relationship yes it's sexy and it's vintage you know but it's just like you can you can really learn a lot about actually what type of connection you have you can cut out a lot of nonsense. And then you don't even have to worry about the text because you have these like fun little speaker phone calls while you're doing the dishes. Yeah, like early on. And listen, if you guys aren't connecting, then don't waste your time. Also, you need to hear his voice. Like, sometimes when you go on a date with a man and then you don't go out with him for like two weeks and you meet up with him again, you're like, I don't remember what you look like. I don't remember what you sound like. Like, I forgot everything. Yeah. Because I met you one time.

So that's a good like reminder to keep things going. Have you ever, this is just a random question, but have you ever had things escalate in a like cyber way of like calls and texts and face times and stuff before really having spent any time together and then it escalates to the point where you think you're like in a something quite serious and then you're actually meet and you're like oh shit this was I'm thinking mostly of like dating app days like having really good banter with someone and then you meet them and it doesn't exist in real life yes that's always heartbreaking because there's nothing better than like a fun texting conversation in the beginning.

Once you're dating, I'm like, why are you texting me? I saw you three minutes ago. Yes. You know, but like in the beginning days when someone's really being really funny and sending the perfect GIF, you know what a GIF is? I do. God. You know?

Unbelievable. The perfect GIF, that's a panty dropper, baby. That was agist. Sorry. It's like, you know when you open a newspaper and there's an illustration? You know when there's an Alexander ad in the center page? Yeah, you know when you love? Of the New Yorkers.

Do you know what Alexander's is? Do you even know what it is? No. No, it's the department still closed in like 1987. You know when you love the political cartoon in the Times? Yeah, Dunesbury. Yeah. It's just like that does.

You'd love it. The good old days, man. Yeah, when someone's really good. The far side. Yes. Don't know what that is. So anyway. So what are we talking about here again?

The texting, the early days texting. Oh, yeah. I agree with her. but I think she needs to, I mean, like, I think she needs to calm down a little bit. Yeah, I do think that a lot of people will probably identify with the lack of match between the banter versus the actual person. I think, I think an analogous thing would be, like, these horrible, you know, there be people on.

Anologist. I've never heard that word. I've never heard analogy used in analogist. Oh, sorry. You don't have to be sorry. I'm having a moment with it. My apologies. Can you write that down?

No, so the comparable thing would be like... You could use analogous. You don't have to dumb it down. But you know the way some men particularly are very confident in their horrific opinions online. Yeah. But you know that they're not like that in real life. And this is the problem with... They're being brave.

Yeah, this is the problem with text. And like, just that whole culture of, you know, sort of like digital communication is people are way braver in digital. And it's embarrassing. And I find that coming from a man embarrassing. Like, you're so brave via text, but then you're shy in real life. Yeah. It's a letdown. Don't do that. Could you imagine it's the Renaissance and you're getting love letters from like a soldier you met one time in the cemetery or whatever, let's say? And you're getting these like gorgeous, beautiful, long love letters. And then you meet him in person. Anastasia. Yeah. I am in the pits like thinking of your love, blah, blah, blah.

I long for our reunion. You're like, this is my husband, this is my husband. I'm saving myself. I'm not going to have sex with anyone else in town. Like months and months go by, the war is long-lasting. And then finally you meet him, and he's fucking weird. Like, could you unbatch? I guess he'd be able to blame PTSD, I guess.

But still, like, this bitch, Esmeralda or whatever is fucked at that point. She's fucked. She's a spinster. She's like too much time past. reading these incredible letters. She's wasted her youth. She's walking around town in mourning black. Like, she is fucked.

Just because if we're not living in that time anymore, doesn't mean it's less disrespectful. Imagine all those years of that beautiful writing. And then at the end, they leave you hanging. You know what it reminds me of? What? Game of Thrones. It's like that.

Don't get me started out. I'll get really upset. I'm just joking. Yeah, but at that point, her dowry's dried up. Like, it's a disaster. You never wrote a letter to a guy, right? Have you? No, but I've received a lot.

Well, I did an English guy once, and there was a lot of love letters. Oh, right. You know how they are. No, but I actually had, like, a period of time where, like, it was, like, the only way to communicate. What? Letters? Yeah, because I was in boarding school. Oh, right.

Oh, the postcards of it all. Oh, just like, you know, if you're dating somebody, you know, write a letter, you know? No other option. Yeah. I know it's hard for you to fathom, but. Did you get good at them? Letters? Yeah.

Yes. And also, there were only pens. There weren't even pencils. so you couldn't erase any of it. I'm assuming. Yeah, well, you just cross it out. Oh, right. I didn't get my tip X, as we call it, Naraland.

There was no white out. There was white out. Oh. That was the white out era. There's no white out now. No, white out is gone because we would sniff it. In New Jersey, at least. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. In New Jersey, we would. Use that as an act of drop. It's so funny doing Bernie from with you because, like, you're just so much, like, historically so much more reckless than Hannah has ever been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thought of Hamas sniffing a solvent is like the furthest thing from her mind.

Well, that's why Hannah, it's so fun, our friendship is so funny because she's like D1 athlete, you know, parents, dad, coaching. Regimented. Regimented, whatever. Hard worker. Hard worker. Not saying that I'm not. But I was raised by demonic Jews on the Jersey Shore who are rock stars who are through house parties every single night. And I never had to do my homework.

You know? Right. My dad would say, take a shot. No. And I'd say, it's a Tuesday night. We, me and my, me and my twin brother were late to school every single day. And the front office felt bad for us because they knew that my parents were throwing parties all the time. I mean, I'm fine.

It was fun. It was fun. But, yeah, of course all my opinions are demonic. I was raised by, my dad looks like a drag queen. Yeah. Just in case the dialers are wondering, her father was a genuine rock star? I probably didn't tell you that, did I? I think I remember this from...

He's a musician in an 80s hair band, you see. Sorry. I'm not going to name it, but the 80s hair band. He had a very nice life. He did meth for 20 years. And they had a lot long... There's a lot of 80s hair bands that sort of faded quite quickly. The longevity of this band, you're really diminishing its cultural...

They did and continue to do very well. But my dad stopped doing meth two years before I was born. Really? I was born of a fun guy. Right. You know? And I love him. He's my best friend.

But I'm just saying I have a little more of a reckless take to things. Yes, than Hannah, yeah. No, it's a fun contrast. And that's why we come together because she says, hey, you have to do this. And I'm like, oh, right. Oh, yeah, because she has a little bit of that. Yeah, she turns into my coach and I'm like, right. Yeah.

Well, she responds well for my coach. And then I go, you have to drink the scossive rosé after the show. I don't care if you don't want it. If she's not a big booze. I know. And then we meet in the middle there. Guys, I love telling you about Hero Bread. And it's wintertime.

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All right, Chris, let's do a couple more. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Hi, Gabby. Oh. Also, Gabby, I am here not with a dating complaint with dating advice. If you are starting to date somebody and you're thinking maybe you want to get in a serious relationship, I recommend early on, go ahead and take a trip together.

Obviously, do your background checks, you know, don't get kidnapped or anything. but take a trip together because you're going to learn real quick whether y'all are going to make it in the long run, whether it's because of all the conversations you have in idle time or just like working together logistically. Again, you're just going to learn real quick whether or not y'all are meant to be. And again, do your safety checks, but I recommend doing it early on because you know right then and there whether it's going to work out. and if it's a no, then you'll never have to talk to each other again afterwards. My boyfriend and I, when we met four weeks later, we took a trip to the islands and now we're married. I'm obsessed with her, obviously. But that is good advice.

I totally agree. If it's doable. I think a man, like, you really have to look at your man's toiletry bag. I think that says a lot. Like if, you know what I mean? If he has a nice, like, a phase one. He better, his items better not be loosening. in a Ziploc, I swear to fucking God.

I've never, I don't have a toiletry bag. You tour all the time. How do you not have a toiletry? Do you have toiletries? Not really. The toothbrush and a toothpaste. Do you have it loosened? What do you have it tucked in a sneaker? Like, where is it? I have a pocket in my bag that is for that. Do you have moisturiser? I, so here's the thing. I use a lot of moisturiser. How much?

A lot. So more often than not, I actually just buy moisturizer when I get to the city. Yeah, but what if it's a day and day out? Well, if it's a day and day out, I sometimes have a small one. I sometimes can go one day without. Right. But I am also a little bit of wounded soldier from the no liquids era, and I know it's got increasingly more lax.

But I do find it hard to find the right size of actual moisture, because I need all over my body moisturizer. Do you just use the hotel one? No, I actually can't because it's scented, and my skin is sensitive. That I get, obviously. Yes. But do you have an hair product you need? Do you have the razor?

Oh, I bring, I bring Murray's. What's a Murray? Murray is like a beeswax. Actually, Sierra from, you know, Sierra from Summer House. She made, she was like, who's got Murray's? So I didn't know, but it's like black people use it. I didn't actually realize. She was like, do you not say the Afro on the front of this thing?

I was like, I never even noticed. I thought it was fun. If you're bored, just Google it, but, you know, it's just great for my hair. But anyway, I use Murray's and Murray's comes with me everywhere. Yeah, but then that's the question. are these items loose in the bag? Yes. The Murray's is loose in my bag. That's crazy.

I understand you think it's crazy, but it's never been a problem for me. So when you go into a hotel room, you open your suitcase on the thing. I don't even, most of the time I only bring like my thing. But anyway, I don't use my suitcase. I have a pocket in my carry-on for my... Right, but then do you drop the bags on the desk in the Marriott Bonvoy? And then do you take out every individual item one by one and carry them into the bathroom in your open hands? All I literally have is a toothbrush and

Murray's. That's it. Shout out Murray's seriously. You know, but like that's all I have. But then you're holding your toothbrush and your Murray's like a little kid on the playground and you bring them to the bathroom? I grab it when I need to brush my teeth before I go to bed. And then you put it back in the zip pocket in your suitcase? At the end of the trip whenever I'm leaving. I leave it in the bathroom. This is a disaster, Hannah. Hannah, help me. I feel like, you think Hannah's more organized with this? No, not at all.

Just as bad. You know, she's bad too. She has a toiletry bag, though. You need, a man in needs, I'm so, like, rigid in my random beliefs, by the way. A man needs a nice leather toiletry bag. Well, I have been gifted an insane amount of leather toiletry bags, and I've never used them. You have to. I have three things.

I don't need this much space. The bag is taking up space in my bag. Then get a little baggoo pouch. I don't need it. I need it. I need you to have it. I need it. I'm 50 years old in three weeks, and this has never been an issue for me.

This is a huge issue between us now. No, because here's this situation. I'm going to get you. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. No, you're not.

You have your toothbrushes hitting every corner of the suitcase. I don't give a shit. I give a shit. I don't have one either. What do you do with all your items? I do the same thing. What items? What items do you think men have?

I'm picturing. What about a nail clipper? A nail clipper? A new cliper. A cue tip. You guys, you are not a cute tip guy. They're not even, they're pointless. Who cleans your ears?

Nobody. You know what? The human body is designed to clean itself. You're not a cat. The human body does not clean its own ears. No, and then when I end up with a bill, because by the way, two tips don't really clean your ears. And you end up with buildup.

That's what you were about to say. No, because the cue tips don't stop the buildup. They actually don't stop the buildup. Google it. Can someone Google do Q-tips? Stop the build-up. Every ear doctor in the world will tell you that Q-tips don't do anything. What do you get your ears candle wax?

No, what I do is when the build-up becomes an issue, I use earwax softener. And over a two-to-three, over a two-to-three-day period, they slowly clear themselves out. I'm sorry they're becoming a high-just. It's all honest. Okay, no, Q-tubes do not stop earwax build-up. they make it worse by pushing wax deeper into the ear. The ear is a self-cleaning organ and inserting you're 100% right. No, I know because I've had an issue.

This is the thing about Des, though. This has always been my issue with Des, is everything he says is right. Not true. I was wrong about epigenetics. Yeah, that's true. What's epigenetics? Well, actually, I wasn't wrong about epigenetics. I didn't know about epigenetics, so I dismissed a generational trauma as having no science.

Having no science behind it. And it turns out there was. and the dialers were very quick to point out, and it was a very exciting time of exploring epigenetics. However, I had encountered issues with buildup of Verox many moons ago and have done a lot of research on it. What was the question? The toiletry bag.

The travel, the trip, the trip early on. I met my boyfriend. He followed me on Instagram from a stand-up clip, and then he was a DMing me. He slid in your DMs. So that's how I met her. Yeah. Great.

I approve. It's great. And then he was sort of having... You know when you just take on a pen pal every now and then? Yes. Yeah. So then I thought I'd never see him, obviously, because he lived in Dallas. And then I went to work the rodeo in Dallas, and he was there, and we met.

He's a hot tall cowboy, so obviously I brought him on tour with me. Oh, that's a risk. It was a total risk, but I had booked a really nice hotel in New Mexico in Albuquerque on this farm. And I was going to, like, take my four days and just, like, lay by the pool and do it a rehab style, you know? And then I was like, what if I make it into a sexy romantic vacation, brought him on that vacation by the end of it. We were boyfriend, girlfriend. Wow.

And he has a monogrammed toiletry bag. Wow. Well, there you go. This guy's your forever person. I met my match. I mean, that is clearly a match for you. Because I've never met anyone with such strong passion for toiletry bags. I didn't know I had that belief system until now.

And you know what? Yeah. I stand by it. Well, that's awesome. Now, I want to add that I 100% agree with the dialer here. However, I have been on both sides of this. Yes. In that I have done the trip and it's been amazing and, you know, like, expanded.

And in fact, I was in a very long-term relationship. And we had a good relationship, but our trips were incredible. For some reason, we traveled, like, unbelievable together. But I have also had a situation where one or two where I took the trip. long before the trip was done, it was clear that it was a disaster. That's so bad. Oh, God. Wait, how long was the trip and where was it?

I had a few of these. This is so, like, this is very person living in the UK to me, because I think about all my, like, British and Irish friends are, like, I went to Soho Farmhouse for the weekend with this guy, and it was a fucking disaster. Like, so many girls have told me that. I have had so many odd ones, you know. But there's so many more weekend trips, I feel like,

that are accessible in the UK. rather than what are you going to take a man to the Adirondacks? He's going to kill you with a knife. Just want to correct, just for the record in case I get it to act that I lived in Ireland. Right, right, Ireland.

Sorry, I forget that that's not the UK and I'm sorry. And I like Irish people better, by the way, and I've said that before. I've been known to say that. That's fine. But in Ireland, it's this fucking big so you could go on this beautiful hotel

that's 35 minutes away in the countryside. Yeah, but, you know, anyway, I've done both. I've been on both sides this advice. The only thing I'll say about it, though, is when you discover it and there's still time left on the trip, it's so awkward. Yes. So awkward. Yeah. You have to sort of turn your brain off in those moments. It's torture. Yeah. And you go, this is like a, this is a sex cation. You have to shift it to that. No, but that's what it's always supposed to kind of be.

But then when you're like not getting along. But if there's no element of whimsy. No, I know, but, like, no, but I, I, I was in a situation where, like, it just totally Like, like, blew up. Yeah, like, you're, like, you're, like, you're hardly know this person and you're already in, like, a divorce. Like, you're in the same bed, but you're, like, looking, you know, you're torture. That's fucking hell. I also think, sidebar, like, the way a man acts in the airport is, can be, like, make or break. Ooh.

So what's a, what's a, what's a positive? Like, if I'm, if they check, check you in and put all the stickers on the bags. without even thinking. Like I tour so much, obviously you do too, where I just walk up and like, I'm like mindlessly getting all of my stuff together. And my boyfriend just like took all of it and did it himself.

And I was like, that's hot. So sorry, say that again? Okay, you know when you walk in, you have bags. You need bag tags, right? You need to go to the kiosk, check in, print out the bag tag. Oh, yes, I got you, yeah. Like, I mindlessly do that without thinking.

So when we went to the airport together, he went to one kiosk and I went to a another kiosk, assuming doing it myself, and he said, what are you doing? Took all of the stuff, paid for everything, tagged everything, put it through, I didn't lift a single bag. Oh, yeah. And that's hot.

That's expected. I don't think it is, Des. Not in today's world. Really? Interesting. You can't have it both ways, ladies. You can't have a quality. You can't have a quality. You'd expect us to lift up the bags. He better checking my bags and he better have a toiletry bag or I'm fucking pissed.

Chris, let's do one more before we go. No, because we've been doing a lot of chit-chat. Skip the Long Island one, because the Long Island one is just a joke. All right. And we don't want to hear your joke. No, because it's funny, but. Okay, my biggest pet peeve as somebody who is single and the dating world is a dumpster fire in my opinion. And I'll be, like, telling my friends about, like, you know, my single life.

And they're like, but you are going to find someone. Like, you will meet somebody. And I'm like, I really hate when people say that because I'm like, but you don't know. You really shouldn't tell someone that. Like, unless you have a crystal ball, do you know something I don't know? Please enlighten me. But I just like wish, you know, people would just be a little more honest about it and say, girl, live your best life.

Like, at least if you don't find somebody, you're out there living. Like, travel the world. go just book a one-way flight to Europe. And maybe that's where you'll meet your dream man. Like, I just kind of wish people would tell me that instead of you're going to meet someone. Yeah, when friends start acting like oracles, and they're like, it's just in six years' time

when all the stars align, you'll meet the guy. It's like, this isn't the Odyssey. Yes. I mean, what I will say is, I don't think people need to say it. However, if you were inclined to get into the law of averages, statistics, probability, I think you should. Then you would say that it is 100% true that you are way more likely to meet somebody than not.

Yes. And worst case scenario, you will settle. You know what I mean? At a certain point, even if you don't meet the right guy, at a certain point, you're going to be like, you know what, this is fine. That's statistically going. to happen. Unless you want to be a spinster forever, which I obviously respect and you wear cheetah print leggings at, you know, 70 years old and go to yoga, that I respect. But I'm just saying, like, they are right in a way that if you eventually want to be with someone, you will,

you'll just have to have, in Bonnie McFarland's words, a one-car garage. Well, that's our bit about, yeah, I haven't seen that bit. But I was thinking of a, the great Sharon Horgan once said that men are funny because they like, they just, you know, you You just have to be next to them at the moment they decide that they're done. Yes. So once they're like, you know what, I'm done. Facking around, they just like marry the person who's like next to them. It's like you.

Let's go. It's a matter of like where you are in space. You got to be at the right time. Yeah. Once a man gets tired. Just from a comedy point of view, like a comedy writing point of view. Right. What are like three female scenarios for that was when I decided I needed to settle?

Like what are the, what are the things? what are the age slash events slash life happenings that make you go, I'm settling? When you need someone to start funding your Botox addiction, obviously. Right. When you want a new car. Okay. I tried to get several men to buy my boobs, and it didn't work, and I eventually had to buy them myself. Wow.

But that's because I was being impatient, as we all, I mean, we discussed this as a family. but like I if I like held out for another six months I would have settled for whoever laid down the cash for those really yes and then obviously I did a crox commercial and I used my crock money and bought myself boobs oh you did a cross commercial yeah I mean Hannah did it together oh you did it together with Hannah and then I got jibbit boobs but gibbets are the things you put in crocs oh right sorry no no it's not of your business you should get a gibbet um I'm gonna get a nipple tattoo Because the crocs paid for your ditties. One's a speaker, one's like a toe. Yeah, I think it's a matter of once you start being like, I don't want to do this alone. I need someone, you know, putting in hardwood floors in my new condo or co-op. It depends on what you decided on. Like, when do you need an assistant, partner, hand-deeman, carpenter, electrician.

Interesting. Very practical. It's to me it's practical situations Because you're not going to be like I'm exhausted with dating like Him no he's going to offer you something That you cannot deny Maybe it's a two-door Ford Bronco

Here's one thing I will say At the end of this episode Throughout this life of not just doing comedy But just observing the world Women complain a lot about dating Men don't really Yeah You know women talk about a shit show all the time

men not as much. I'm not saying men aren't dissatisfied at times with the dating scene, but they do not speak of it with the same disdain. It's so true. And I, like, as I've said before, like, I'm a Jew and I'm totally pro complaining. I think it's fun and I think it burns calories. So I'm on the side of complain about everything because it's just like it builds serotonin in your brain. Okay. That's not scientifically true at all, but that is my religion and you can't say anything about it.

I think, yeah, dating sucks. Exactly. Fly to Europe. Make it fun. Go to Argentina. Go to La Bamba. Fuck a random guy. Maybe marry him in the middle of the night.

Like, make it fun. I feel like we get so stuck in like New York dating scene is so shitty. It's like it's actually funny and fun. And you get to see a new restaurant and go to a new neighborhood. If you think of it like an adventure, you'll relax a little bit. Okay. You know what I mean? Yes.

No, 100%. You're meeting new people. If you consider it like you're meeting new people, it's a fun, sexy cocktail hour, then you'll have a little bit more fun dating. Make it fun. Stop going into the same bar with the same guy who works at the same finance job. And the last thing I will say to this, Diler, is that you will meet someone. I'm just kidding.

She threw a laptop. Actually, just for fun, Chris, before we go, play the Long Island. Yeah. To all my Long Island girlies, set your radius to 60 and get to the North Shore. ashore asap. Okay, you're welcome. Bye. I love her. She's a Hawkeye Weather Woman. She's basically saying, go for the rich older dudes up on the North Shore, Long Island. She dropped a pin for all the girls.

You know that somebody once told me, I'm not going to name any names, but in my Raya days, somebody said, oh, if, Jack, your age up, and you'll come across this particular person. And I did, and I did match with her, and we chatted. We never met, but. In where were you living? In New York. Was it Joan Rivers? No. She was, I don't, whatever.

She was close to death at that stage, but anyway, she's dead. You know that, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, how do you know? We're not going to get, I'm not naming it. I'm not naming it. You don't name Raya.

That's like, you know. You don't screenshot Raya. It's Fight Club. You know, you don't, I'm not naming. You're kidding me? Well, you're telling me after the podcast. Of course I'm telling you after the podcast, but I'm not naming. But what I am saying is the funny thing about

setting the age. I did crank up... Was it Amanda Lepore? First of all, even if you said it, I wouldn't even respond. But, yeah, we were chatting. We didn't actually meet up. Very lovely, actually. It was quite...

It was Anthony Weiner. You know what's fucked up about Anthony Weiner not to get political? What? Hillary Clinton might fucking have gotten elected if it wasn't for fucking Anthony Wiener. One time my friends from Boston saw him on a date with like I don't want to say clearly a prostitute but like

because that's not politically correct but like you know clearly a prostitute and it was an old Boston guy and he goes up to Anthony Wiener and he's like I just want to say I'm a big fan I wanted to say hi and Anthony Wiener was like okay and he goes so how'd you two meet

that rules and his ex-wife is happily married now really to who I don't know but I follow you know that world, and I saw that she's happily married. How do you follow that world? I have a few mutual friends in that sort of like... Old New York political.

Illuminati. Have you ever gotten invited to the Illuminati? Well, there's no... Anyway, we'll say it in a joking way. There's no actual Illuminati. Yeah, but I'm just saying, like, if there is, and I love a conspiracy theory, if there is, like, I've met famous people, and not one of them has been invited, so what's going on?

Yeah, because it's not a thing. It has to be a thing. Listen, you grew up a lot closer to the Illuminati than I did. And I didn't see a glimpse. Yeah, because it's not a thing. But it's fun to joke about. It's fun to joke about it. And that's what I'm doing right now.

Exactly. You know how many times I've gotten so close to being at a Pieddy party? Okay, hold the phone here. Do you want to get a lawyer? But how many? I never got to go. But you actually nearly were invited? Okay.

Yeah. I've just been nearby. Oh, really? Well, why didn't you go? I wasn't allowed. Oh. By who? My parents. My parents drew the line.

Wow, that's some great parenting. My dad's like, why don't you do meth in the living room with daddy? He finally came through. So guess what? My childhood wasn't that bad. They still laid down the lawn. They said, no P. Diddy parties before dinner. Nice.

All right, Chris, let's wrap it up. Thank you. First of all, Gabby. You want to do one more? Why, are you, are you, are you feeling it, Chris? Look at you wanting to go more. Chris is feeling good. Honestly, I was worried about you because we've done like over an hour.

It ain't nothing, dude. I was, I was worried about you. Yeah, because Chris, we can't turn on the air conditioning. I'm sweating. We're all sweating. It's okay. It's not that Chris isn't paying for the air conditioning. It's that there's a technical issue.

It affects the audio. Yes. So, is there one that's calling out to you, Chris? Is that why you want to do one more? Yeah, let's say. that okay all right hey so many complaints about dating but my main one is just the lack of developed frontal lobes out there you know in men in particular of course girl preach that but uh yeah yeah I just wish we could have some more developed frontal lobes and uh maybe some more like independent

therapy you know not enough men out there uh you know really realizing enough stuff and uh that was it oh that was it she accidentally got caught up I actually want to say the opposite like I want even more like less developed frontal lobes yeah easier to like control

like what's the thought not controlling but like less opinions less needs less rules less structure like I want fully lobotomized men in these streets the last thing we want is more brain in them honestly man like one thing I have to say is like young men

I actually, when I see young men interact The one thing I'll say is young men No, but I just, it's, I can't It can't see myself as that guy But I know that I was, that guy and it makes me sick Yeah, you were all dogs at one part No, but I don't, no, I don't even mean in relationship Like the dating, just like in general

What do you mean? Just like how annoying young men are Yeah, but I really- But it's not their fault, it's just developmentally They just have to cringy at some point though You just don't have the Snapchat memory No, but that's what I mean. But I'm more than aware.

We all are, all are, yeah. Yeah. But not all young men are cringy, not to be pro men, but I have a twin brother and he's a perfectly nice boy and he's shy. And I think the key is to get a shy man. Oh, a shy guy. Yeah, because every man will have their opinions, but some are too scared to say them. Right.

That's what you're looking for, okay? All of them are going to be dumb idiots. And that's why we love them, by the way. Don't forget that that's the calling to men in the first place. I mean, you're in a safe space on this podcast. Right. But you wouldn't want to let that fly on some of the others that are advanced your comedy career? I mean.

You're going to do Rogan? Yeah. I'm going to do Rogan. You're fucking me up. I'm going to do Rogan next week. Imagine Rogan having me on the podcast. Well, he could. I'm like, I love you idiots.

It's a scientist next to me. Well, okay, you want the pitch? The pitch is, hey, she grew up a rock kid, you know? I'm a meth baby. Like, no, but you're a rock kid. I love the way you throw that out. Like, that was the predominant energy of your childhood. Well, it's not the predominant energy.

I had a great childhood. I'm just saying it's fun and it's flavorful. Yes. But why don't you focus on the more positive aspect of it, which is you grew up adjacent to like one of the great rock careers? I saw the world at a young age, and that is why I think my advice is elite. Okay. Your advice is what?

Elite. Elite. Yeah, because you traveled the world as a child. I've met idiots all over the world, okay? And I love them for it. Yes. Why do you? My advice is just remember that in general, not all, but most men will improve.

And the problem is that most of these people that message in are talking about young men. And it's really the worst pool of humanity to be dealing with. But they do get better. What's that blonde woman who wears black glasses who's always like, let them. Mel Robbins. I watched a Mel Robbins. That's unfortunate, Giggly Squad's nemesis. Oh, really?

Well, because her book is always number one. I kept them off number one. Mel, classic Mel. Let them be number one New York. Yeah, let them. Yeah, let them, Mel. Let them be number one. God damn it.

Classic Mel. Well, I look at Mel as like that one aunt that you go to, you call in the middle of the night, and you're like, I'm at a party. I wasn't allowed to come here. Can you pick me up? Like, that's how I picture Mel Robbins. Okay. And she was saying when she met her husband, he was obviously an idiot, but he wanted to evolve

and he wanted to grow. And he had that skill set to be like, I will learn from that mistake and whatever. And that's all we need to look for in a young man is that they're not all the way developed. You have to sort of mold them like a clay pot. But as long as they're willing to be molded and not stay a mug forever. They're being molded by more sinister forces at the moment. But let's look it deep. I don't think any of this is deep

Well, it would get deep really quick If I actually said the shit that I'm thinking about Right, don't say it That's all right, I have a thing about the world Don't say it Just remember they're a clay They're made of clay, right now they're a mug And you can make them a vase

Wow And I think that is deep in an artistic way Life with Gabby Brian Here on the Burnerphone podcast Well, thanks everybody Oh, hey, share your socials and stuff Share your socials Honey, share your socials.

You could find me on Instagram and TikTok at Gabby is Brian. And on YouTube, I think, Gabby is Brian. Brian with a Y. G-A-B-B-B-Y, I-S-B-R-Y-A-N. I'm on tour. The Gabby Brian is my best friend tour. I'm coming to a city near you. I'm doing Grammarcy Theater on February 14th. Oh, good. On Good. On Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day. Very good night to do a show. Very good branding. I'm doing Leicester Square on December 5th and 6th, I want to say. London. London. United Kingdom. Shout out. All right. Well, anyway, I actually, I have no shows in America until December, but I am in Ireland, but most of that is sold out, except for Trim County Meath. Meath. So check that out. And Chris, anything to plug? Chris? Listen to the burner phone podcast.

Are you dating anybody, Chris? Yeah, Chris. Answer us this. Here and there. Here and there. Nice. What app do you use? Hinge, if I'm going to use anything. Yeah. But you also said you used the other one. No. Which one? The kink one.

I know of it. I know of it. He knows of it. He knows of it. I know of it. All right. Chris's dating app is a giggler sliding his two DMs. That's, like, perfect. Yeah. The gigglers are the hottest fan base on planet Earth.

Yeah, but the problem is that they're just going to be like, hey, you know, because they're going to, they'd be like asking you to like that. Yeah, don't use Chris for Hannah, okay? He's a nice guy. Use him for him. Yeah. You have to invest in something they want, a Ford Bronco, a pair of tits, new floorboards. That's fair.

Crown molding. crown molding wow you're you're really you're getting you're getting your money can you tell them in my 30s I care about crown mold let's get out of here we got to go we got to get out of here bye bye