Berner Phone - Berner Phone #116: Relationship Turnoffs
Episode Date: November 12, 2025The dialers called in and shared their biggest turnoffs in relationships. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows...
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Hi, it's Hannah Burner.
And Des Bishop.
Thanks for calling the burner phone.
If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast.
What's up? It's MC Mama Burner and DJ Daddy Dezzy.
Wow, man. Every week. It's crazy how the mom and dad thing is just like really stuck.
Considering we're childless, messy.
Yeah, childless people that really struggle to look after themselves.
You know?
But we're like the cool mom and dad who are like, yeah, smoke weed.
I understand the vibe that you go for,
but the very first thing you picked is something that neither of us do.
Like, I understand that we're the cool mom and dad,
but like we don't smoke weed.
We don't.
We don't.
Honestly, I don't think, I always thought when I was younger that I was going to,
I would be the cool dad.
But I think that's one of the things that you sacrifice when you,
if you're going to be like an older dad,
you basically just that,
ceases to be the case.
Yeah, I feel like all the cool older dads
who were smoking weed, their kids are
in college. Like, their kids are
out of the house already. So they're, like,
reliving their, like, college spring break.
But even regardless of the weed,
I used to think that I would be, like,
the cool dad. Whereas now I'm just aware that I'm just
going to be, like, the old dad.
Yeah, like, a little overprotective,
a little anxious dad.
Yeah, my 16-year-old kid.
Hypothetical, by the way, guys.
My 16-year-old kid is going to be, like, showing old videos on whatever, wherever the science was at in terms of how we view things.
I'd be showing a video, like, yo, you don't going to believe this.
My dad used to tell, like, pussy jokes on stage.
They had, like, a lot of views.
And he'll say the same thing about his mom.
Yeah.
That, that, too.
But, you know, you'll just, you'll be the cool mom, though, that's the thing.
No, because he'll be like, my friends are making fun of me.
you've been talking about your labia on stage.
You guys, I had a long weekend.
Two shows in Portland, Maine, two shows in Medford, Boston area, a show in Carnegie Hall.
And the Medford one was an early and elite.
Honestly, it was spectacular.
Like, it couldn't be a more fun weekend.
But that's exhausting.
And then you have to come in and do what I would say is the most important show of the tour
because all your family's there.
Yeah.
It's a different kind of comedy.
experience when you're performing in front of like friends and family man the friends who you're like
oh yeah these are people who like you know when you're you see someone and they're like oh i love to see a show
sometime and you're like yeah come through but like you don't really think they're going to show up and
then they show up and you're like oh those cool people are literally watching my show right now um so that
was happening honestly my family they're so used to my shit I don't get that nervous about my family
right right because I used to get nervous about them when I was playing tennis so not now
Now it's like...
Yeah, I used to not...
When my family was there, I'd feel more pressure
and friends.
And just in general, the thing about New York show
is like, you're gonna have to see these people again.
I get a little nervous about you being there
just because I know...
But I wasn't that...
I don't watch.
I know that you're nervous.
I'm like, did you ever see the movie Moneyball?
No.
You know, Moneyball is about the...
I don't watch boy movies.
I understand.
Well, Brad Pitt is playing the guy
that kind of like...
brought in
the analytics to baseball
that's based on a Michael Lewis book
anyway
he can't watch
because he's superstitious
never watch the games
that's so funny
but like honestly
and Coco Gough's dad can't be in the stands
you just look at the data afterwards
you're like
okay she sold out
I watched you walk out
because I like that I like
to see
and feel the adulation
there. The love. Yeah. And then I step out because I know, listen, it's nothing, it's all about the fact that as a
comedian, it's like over, what's, I'm overstimulated in terms of, I can't just enjoy the show because
I'm thinking about the audience's reaction. I'm thinking about the lighting. There's just, and when I watch
another comic, I don't give a fuck. But when I'm watching you, there's nothing I can do about it. It used to
be the same with my brother. Now it's the same with you. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
just uptight.
That's how you show your love.
Yeah, I'm uptight, you know.
Yeah, Ali, my opener, shout to Ali Colbert, said she looked over and Des was meditating.
No, Paige said that.
Oh, Paige said that.
So Paige, me, Paige, Sierra, and Ali, after she did her spot, we were up in the dressing
room.
Because we had discussed, like, do I, they were asking me, do I get nervous?
And whatever we, whatever we discussed is irrelevant.
But neither to say, we were watching.
you on the monitor.
And Paige was about to turn around and be like, now that she's on, do you stop getting nervous?
And when she turned over, my eyes were closed and I was like in a deep meditation.
And she was like, oh, you're meditating.
Okay.
I guess you still get nervous.
Also, before Ali said, like, she wanted to get a little focus.
And I could tell she wanted to, like, pace a little bit, like, you know, walk around.
And you, and I could tell that you wanted to also.
I'm like, you two could go nervous, nervous pace together if you want.
I got nervous because you were in the bathroom and the elevator to the venue.
It was like not that reliable, you know, because you have to go downstairs to the world famous Carnegie Hall.
And Ali was already on.
And then you were in the bathroom.
And I was like, oh, Jesus, I hope this isn't one of her emergencies.
It is just so.
So I got you out of the bathroom.
Yeah, you know, because I need to go the bathroom about eight times before I go on stage.
It's as part of my little fun routine.
and you never know if the elevator isn't going to work.
Some of these places are haunted.
Some of these places...
Carniho is not haunted.
Carniho was so cool.
Gorgeous.
And you're amongst the legends, you know?
Oh, my God.
It was definitely one of those where you walk out and you're like, oh, this is gorgeous.
Beautiful.
Beautiful, stonin.
But the only thing that was annoying, because it's very, it's really well run.
And I actually, I concur with the rule that they close.
the side stage door after you're on.
Because like sometimes I can get distracted
by the shenanigans that are happening
offside of stage, but on the flip side,
I couldn't watch you from the side.
I know. So I watched you walk out.
They couldn't keep it open because people could just
see into the door. They don't have curtains.
Yeah, yes, but that's calm. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
It was great. And, uh...
Nan and Papa came.
Sorry, it's be... It sounded like the beginning of a list.
Oh, sorry.
I paused expecting.
Well, Nana Papa came.
Nana was so funny.
She's like, I couldn't hear anything until you got on stage.
And I think I heard it all.
I'm like, I don't know if that's how hearing works.
How many people said in your group,
the last time I was here was to see Frank Sinatra.
I feel like the only time anybody in your family was there was to see Frank Sinatra.
Look, we're telling you.
But yeah, the history is crazy.
but it just, it felt right for New York City to perform at such a beautiful, incredible, majestic venue.
So welcome back to Burn it Fun.
Anyway, the DMV story went down well in a Spotify comments.
Thank God.
That was really 50-50.
No, I think it went down well.
Were they on my side?
I mean, they were on the side of the story being told, the way that it was told, you know?
Were they on mom or dad's side?
You know, I think they were basically like, in the end, it was worth it.
That was the general feeling.
Well, you push me and you make me better.
Yeah, well, you know, it was unfair to put you under that much pressure.
I think it was really, it was really heavy lifting to keep that interesting.
But, you know, we got there.
And need to say, just in case anyone's holding on with baited breath, we have not received the driver's license yet.
Just in case, you guys, you wonder.
In other news...
Wait, I love you as a newscaster.
What are you talking about?
This is just updates.
Okay, continue.
In other news, I think I'm going to have to start my cult, the men of 90s.
Really good responses.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
So for our, not older dialers, but dialers closer to my age.
Man starts a cult in the Spotify comments.
Yeah, listen, that's how they start.
Yeah, you never know.
Yeah.
And the other thing I'm going to do, hit me up in the Spotify comments if you think it's a good idea.
I want to start, I'm going to start posting video clips as Bishop Commodesement, which is not even a lie.
But obviously some people won't pay attention.
So they'll think I'm some sort of cleric.
And I'm going to just discuss Bible quotes in detail.
I love that.
Yeah, Bishop Commod Desmond.
Obviously, there will be a, what would one say, a bias slant towards my beliefs,
But I will use the supposed teachings of Jesus Christ to put a cross,
because in my opinion, Jesus Christ.
Put across, no pun intended.
Hannah.
Oh, my God.
You've onlyished a monster.
You just punned again.
Hannah is like, I've never seen somebody so in denial about her love of puns.
The amount of people on the Spotify comments are like,
oh, why does Hannah say she hates puns?
This podcast has had a pun as a name twice.
I feel like you in the Spotify comments are turning on me.
No.
They're not turning on you.
They just need you to come clean.
Okay?
Just potters are accountable.
No, you need to come clean about the fact that you like puns.
Why are you resisting it?
I like when I come up with it.
Now when other people do.
Oh, okay.
Well, you know, you're a pun person.
You've come around and you need to stop being in denial about it.
You just dropped one there.
I know.
You just dropped one.
And offensive one, no less.
you know, one that could get Bishop Commodesman in trouble.
Just for the real...
Wait, is it the New Testament, the Old Testament?
I'm going to be picking solely from the New Testament.
What's a Testament?
The Bible?
The Bible in English is divided into two Testaments,
the Old Testament and the New Testament.
The Old Testament existed before Christ and is essentially the sort of main thing
that the Jewish religion follows.
Yeah.
And the New Testament is basically the stories of Jesus Christ and the books thereafter,
you know, the Gospels and the books afterwards, you know?
So it's during and after.
It's before and after.
Oh, sorry, the Gospels are about like the life of Jesus.
But don't, after that, I'm out.
I know there's other books, but I don't speak with any authority yet.
Are you talking about Harry Potter?
Hannah, I get it.
You're trying to be funny, but we're talking about a serious thing here.
You literally just said that you're going to be making fun of it.
No, I did not say.
No, you're going to be analyzing it.
I'm going to be using quotes that I think show that the teachings of Jesus Christ are
a lot more tolerant of humanity and a lot more, a lot more giving.
Yes.
Than the current main followers of Christ espouse.
And that is, I'm aware, that is an agenda.
Okay.
but it is not a political agenda.
It is an agenda.
It's actually a spiritual agenda
because it is an agenda to remind people
that the man that they claim to be quoting
is basically preaching the antithesis
of what they are firmly behind.
And I'm going to do it with the very lucky fact
that my last name happens to be
a high-ranking position within the Catholic hierarchy.
So you're conning people.
No, excuse me.
I'm attracting them to my, I'm conning people.
Well, we can get into the whole amount of conning
that's going on with religion in general, which we won't.
Which we won't.
Even though.
But I do believe that Jesus Christ would want people
to have their health and education.
Amen.
Never a true word spoken.
And come at me all you want,
trying to suggest that that's controversial
because it ain't, it ain't.
Because it's all about love and acceptance.
you know and forgiveness
and laughter
you know
there's actually not a lot of jokes in the Bible
really? No
but it's so punnable
there's not a lot of jokes in the Bible
that's one thing that
that's one thing that
there's never a little you know
self-aware remark
a little
yeah no Jesus was never like
oh I shouldn't have gone so hard in the wine
like that never happens
you know a little self-deprecating
yeah like when he
He's describing his followers.
He's not like, yeah, he was a little bit chatty this one.
And I know, listen, we're talking a lot more about religion than I would ever expect.
But the other issue I have with his devout followers is they have an extremely lack.
They have an extreme lack of humor.
Like, I got to think that the entity that is God and his son on earth, Jesus Christ,
really were not as uptight about jokes about them as their followers.
Jesus must have cracked your joke every now and that.
Yeah, like his followers are very uptight about jokes about him.
And listen, I understand that's your right.
And that for most of humanity, you've had obscenity laws that actually backed you.
But I really have to think that that is a very human element.
What was it called the last dinner?
Oh, come on, Hannah.
What was it called?
Are you joking?
No, what was it called?
Oh, please.
What was it called?
The Last Supper.
The Last Supper.
Okay.
But that's, you know.
The last supper was the first ever influencer dinner.
kind of
he literally invited all his
all his like
favorite followers
yeah
and talk influential people
this is a clean
this is a clean joke
that I don't think is offensive in any way
and so
the joke is
Jesus walks into a restaurant
and the matriety goes
oh a table for 13
and Jesus
goes, no, 25, we all like to sit on the one side.
Which I, that's, that's a good joke.
That can't be a fence.
That's very funny. That's very funny and not offensive.
Most people say table for 12, but that's, the people that aren't paying attention.
It's Jesus and the 12 apostles.
Exactly. Exactly.
You know, these are, who am I to be pedantic?
But when it was told to me, I had to correct the guy.
And guess why they had to all be on one side?
Because they had to get the photo because it's an influencer dinner.
100%.
So I'm also aware that 13.
two is 26, but I feel like, uh, you wouldn't, you wouldn't need the, that seat. Uh, okay. So,
the, the, the topic to, is that okay, by the way? Are we? Yeah, I'm good. Okay, I'm just checking because I,
you know, I just, that's, that's a lot. It's my fault. I brought up the Bishop Desmond thing,
but you know what it was. I don't think it's as much manifesting because manifesting, I feel like,
would be more like trying to make it happen. What I'm doing is putting it out there so that,
I can't.
Snaps for Des.
You're putting it out into the world.
So yeah, you can't back, you can't back away from it.
Now I've said it.
So now I have to do it.
And also saying it.
I'm basically putting myself under pressure.
Yeah, but also saying it to make it a reality,
you actually feel what it feels like for it to be real.
And then it's easier to execute it.
Yeah.
They say with manifestation to feel the feeling that you've already done it.
And that helps everything fall into place.
Well, the problem is that when I,
visualize it. I'm an incredible
analyzer of passages of the
Bible. But I fear in practice
I'm going to
come across as not really knowing what I'm
talking about at all. This does kind of remind
me though of, don't ever think it,
of me and Ali, we just did a TikTok of her
asking me lesbian terms. Yes. I feel like you should
ask me Bible terms. No, because she's actually
a lesbian. But I
actually... No, I have the
basic knowledge of a Catholic school educated child. I never, I never went beyond that and looked deeper
into, you know, like, like the Bible, particularly. You don't have to be a professor of the Bible.
Okay. Let's, uh, can I just do the Bible stuff? Can I have one thing for me? Can you leave the
Bible to me? Can I have one thing for me? All right? I just, I just, because, because you know why,
all right? Not that, I'm not critical in any way, shape, of form of anything you do comedically. But
I would say that you're a little more flippant about, like, your humor is in the kind of like not giving a shit, right?
Whereas in this situation, I'm actually not going to be as flippant.
I actually...
You're respectful.
Yeah, no, but yeah, yes, yes, 100%.
You're correct.
But I also want to actually garner some knowledge from the text.
Yeah.
Because whether you believe the Bible or not, this is a very influential collection of words.
Well, I think there's this rampant,
sorry, rampant wasn't the right word.
This is why we don't, this is why we don't let Hannah talk.
There's just rampant.
A bunch of like squirrels running around.
No, but religion is now trying to come back into our culture and our state, arguably.
There's like this resurgence.
Yes, there seems to be a dismissal of the separation of church and church.
Yes, so this is kind of the perfect time to be, to, to,
to talk about what actually is this religion that everyone's bringing back.
Yeah, and also like, hey, if we're going to start, like, paying attention to this shit,
let's have some pushback on some of these charlatans that are, like,
because the thing is that we'll make a joke, comedians will make a joke,
and then people will be like, oh, you're using the Lord's name of vain.
That's blasphemous.
You know, all this kind of, you know, all this kind of like negativity towards a joke about religion,
right, then they will go and literally misrepresent the Lord for their own prophet.
No, or use the Lord's name for hate.
Well, that's even worse.
Use the Lord's name to hurt people.
Yeah, so, you know, not to get all biblical, but as far as I'm concerned,
whether I'm a believer or not, I'm going to fucking rip up the tables in the temple.
Wait, I think you should be like, let's pull up the receipts.
And then you read.
What, I'm going to become the Andy Cohen.
But hold on, I'm just going to have to call St. Paul out here.
So St. Paul was saying, so St. Paul, I mean, obviously, where he's not here right now,
but St. Paul, if he was here, I mean, were you, were you, you originally,
you originally weren't even a believer of Christ, you were just a Roman soldier.
now suddenly we're supposed to read all your letters.
And some of them are shady.
Some of them are shady.
Actually, St. Paul was a bit like the housewife.
St. Paul's actually like a Bravo reality show because it's all letters.
It's all passive aggressive letters.
It's just some pulling up the receipts.
This is a letter from St. Paul to the housewives of Beverly Hills.
I wasn't happy.
Jesus.
Why did you invite Anthony?
Yeah.
Why is Anthony sitting?
you're right and not me.
Andrew, can I have a conversation with you for a moment?
I'm just not happy with the way that Judas just comes late to all the gatherings.
Judas is the, who is the one that everyone really turned hard on from Beverly Hills?
Oh, Denise Richards.
No, Lisa Rinne.
She got booed, yeah, she got booed at Bravo, Gone.
Oh, God.
Yeah, she had a Judas moment, but it was not fair.
I'm friends with her daughter
But you know what?
Honestly, you know what Judas is thinking?
Got a bed at it.
Judas is like, wait to hear my side of the story, motherfuckers.
If I hadn't hanged myself from tree, you know,
I would have, I would have had something to say.
Yeah, Judas is like, you all ganged up on me
and made me look bad.
I hope you're happy.
Yeah.
Now nobody's going to.
Glad you guys made it to the next Bible.
You made it.
My contract didn't get renewed.
You fucking fame horse.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
And then I was like, okay, Judas, we are like done with you.
I was like, like, Jesus, like, wants all the camera time.
Oh, Hannah.
We don't, we don't, we make fun of the periphery of Jesus.
We don't actually make fun of Jesus.
Sorry.
Jesus is Andy Cohen.
Sorry.
Everyone that's tried to take on Andy Cohen has disappeared.
Someone's going to be in a spot of my comments.
Like, can you stop saying that Andy Cohen is Jesus, please?
Especially because he's like literally not Jesus.
Like, but they were both Jewish.
Yeah.
I mean, this whole thing is problematic.
I mean, very funny.
Very funny.
Okay.
Anyway, I'm 23 minutes into the podcast.
Our long intros are, but this one was my fault in fairness.
I love how after we do something, we have,
have to decide whose fault it was.
That one was on me.
I fucking gave myself a clerical title.
The truth is it all cult start out as a joke, but you know that in 10 years.
Everybody's like, how did this cult start?
You're like, you're not going to believe that.
Well, you're going to have a couple people be like, this guy really knows what he's talking about.
I'd follow him.
And then I'll start getting to your head a little bit.
And next thing you know, you'll be like, I knew I could do this.
They're all full of shit.
They're like, that fucking Houston guy.
What's his name?
I don't follow men on social media.
No, there's not social media.
He's like on the TV in the morning.
Oh, sorry.
Wait, I always, I have jokes about him.
I believe, I believe in that the Lord made us in his image,
but yes, I have had plastic surgery.
I have actually...
We're not talking about Dr. Oz.
No.
I have...
Joe Olstein.
Olstein, yeah.
It's like we're made in God's image,
but God just made a couple of mistakes with me
as I got older,
so I just made a little alteration.
But I think the Lord believes that that's okay
because I got the money from his followers
to pay for my plastic surgery
and I dye my hair.
Because even though the Lord wanted my hair to go gray,
I'm gonna die it.
There's a shoot, I forget what it's called,
but there's a documentary about this woman
who has like, I think it's Texas or something
and she has really big hair
and she started her own like religion
and she made everyone lose weight.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
That's my kind of religion.
It's called the way down.
I think. It's called the religion of boomer moms.
Because we got into...
She actually, she died, I think, but she would have loved Ozempic.
Yeah.
Um...
Yeah, just boomer moms.
And then, yeah, the whole thing was, but they got everyone to, like, abuse their children and stuff.
So that was fun.
We have to do my, my, uh, my Santa Claus Ozempic video.
I would love to do that.
We do... I dress up with Santa Claus, but really skinny.
So what I tell you what I was thinking.
I was gonna get a red, like a bright red,
double breasted.
I wear it without a shirt.
You know the way like,
yeah.
People, they wear it without a shirt.
Yeah.
But, but my beard, but it's like a,
it's more like shaped.
But you don't want to look too hot
because then it becomes Zaddy Santa.
No, because.
You just want to be Santa's look shriveled up.
Yeah.
But then, but then you just,
I'm just like walking down the street and it goes,
Ho, ho, ho, ho,
Ho, Ho Zanthik.
You didn't, that's the joke.
I thought you got that the first time I said.
Yeah, I know.
Well, also, it was my idea originally.
Not the Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-O-Zempic.
Well, yeah, I let you have that one.
Okay, hang it, because I came up with it.
And it's a pun.
It's a pun.
Ho, ho, ho, ho-h-h-h-h-hempic.
And you have to do like a little dance.
Yeah.
North Pole.
And then you could cut to, like, you talking in the background to be like, has your weight
gave you trouble in everyday life?
And it's like you getting stuck in the chimney trying to go down.
Okay, we don't have the budget for that.
If we had the budget for that video, that's hilarious.
And then it's like you trying to get on the sled and the reindeer can't get up.
The reindeer all look back and they're like, huh?
The reindeer are like pull their back out and they're like, we can't do this.
Or they're like when I go, ho, ho, ho, ho, o'h, they're like putting their heads back and forth.
And then they're like, thank God.
And then you're like, me and my wife hadn't had sex for years.
And then like Miss Santa Claus, Miss Claus comes up and she's like,
Like, you look good, baby.
Yeah, that's like relatio.
Are you on that TikTok algorithm
where these commercials for Relatio keep coming up?
What's Relatio?
I don't know.
It's like something to do with like male libido.
Is that a pun on Falacio?
Yeah, it's male libidia, yeah, but it's relationship, you know.
So it's a man.
To be in a relationship?
No, like it's just male.
That's what the pun is.
But it's just male, male libido enhancement stuff.
But I just keep getting the end.
Why do you keep getting that?
Well, I guess because I'm 50, you know?
And it's all these ones like,
Yeah, I just was wondering if you were getting it,
but that shows how effective the algorithm is, you know?
Yeah.
I have some Miss Clause ideas.
Maybe there'll be some funny videos about that.
Looks like we're going to be doing a lot of sketches.
We're a sketch couple now.
Hey, we're 27 minutes into the podcast.
We still haven't hit one prompt here on the burning phone.
We try to break our record.
every week.
We're trying to break the record here.
We're going for the longest amount of time
before a prompt here on Burnfield.
Sorry, I have the headphones on,
so it sounds a lot cooler in my headphones.
So, anyway,
let's, so the prompt was...
Speaking of relationships, like Santa and Mrs. Claus.
Yes.
Speaking of older people in relationships.
No, so this is,
this was kind of like turnoffs on dates,
because I know X is like a thing,
but this was like,
This was more like specific to like on a date.
Yeah, and more like once you see something like you really are like that is a red flag.
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All right, so this is, this is interesting.
My immediate, sorry, DesiDenemy.
So this is very interesting because this is just a fashion trend.
So there was a time where if you weren't wearing skinny jeans, that was an ick.
So I'll give an example, right?
When I first started doing comedy, boot cut jeans were the type of gene to wear.
And like people that weren't wearing boot cut jeans were like the weirdos.
and then at some stage it became like oh he wears boot cut jeans what a loser like this
because I think I can't even remember which came first like various different whatever trends
and then there was this one comic that was really famous but he still wore boot cut jeans
and people were like I can't believe if he wears boot cut and I was just like what the fuck like
it doesn't even matter but there is something about skinny jeans where it's like it's so tight and
like I don't want to see men's like skinny legs so what did you feel when when
skinny jeans were the, were the actual trend.
So that was like, it's going down, down, no, no, no, no, and around.
Sugar, we're going down, swinging.
Wait, that got Southern.
A little country.
No, it was during, like, all American rejects when people would be like,
I'm funny, don't want, it, and, oh, I'm not, I'm not, I'm going.
I still have no idea what you're trying to represent here.
I, I, no, I'd love, I'd love to get it.
but I don't know what you're singing.
Wait, I need to...
What?
There's, okay, there's a certain, like, rock.
I'm going to sing an All-American Reject song for you guys.
Is this for real?
Is this actually happening?
Oh, my God.
You were in Carnegie Hall and you didn't sing,
and now you're going to sing here.
Do you know how hard it was for me not to sing so I could respect them?
Okay, what's like a song?
This is going to take forever.
I hope it gives you hell.
I don't even know who you're talking
I don't even know who this band is
Okay
It's just
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
I gave that one is in
Oh so it's that
Reject
Just another reject
Huppa you could keep it
My dirty little secret
So they all sang like that
Okay
And they all had really skinny jeans
And they had kind of shaggy hair
Yeah because that was the style at the time
But it was a specific kind of guy
They were like the Timothy Shalamaze of that time
Right.
Because there was a time where suddenly you had to wear skinny jeans.
That's my memory.
They were like wearing boots with them.
They looked like they smelled like cigarettes.
By the way,
I didn't like the skinny jeans era.
No.
But I went with it for a while because that was what you were supposed to wear.
That was a pretty long time ago, I feel like.
It is now.
It doesn't feel like that to me because...
I mean, girls, we wore skinny jeans like a decade ago.
Yeah.
There was just a time where guys...
It was like, I don't want to see a guy.
bulge through his jeans.
It looks like it's not even about,
it just looks painful. No, because there was a time
also you were supposed to wear pretty tight pants with like a
blazer and like that era.
That, you know, that era has passed.
Yeah. But that wasn't an era. But unfortunately now we went the other way
with the oversight. We need to just get back to just like
moderation with the trans. I did grow up at a time
where like every guy was wearing jeans like below his butt.
Oh, that, that era. Oh yeah. I remember the first iteration of that era.
And yeah, you just pants everyone.
So anyway, I think, I understand now that skinny jeans are the thing,
but essentially what you're saying is if you're not up to date with the trends.
But that specifically...
So why do we allow ourselves?
Why do we constantly allow ourselves to give in to these trends dictating what we should win?
Because skinny jeans, there's one thing where it's like, yeah, I keep wearing these shorts that
like my mom gave me over the last decade.
skinny jeans is a statement.
Like, you're not like, oh, I'm just going to keep these
because it's all I have.
Like, guys who wear skinny jeans like it.
It's like guys who wear rings.
Like, you put effort to put rings on every day, and you're a freak.
Oh, yeah, rings now.
Men who wear rings, like, even if it's just one ring,
it's a statement of like you think you're cooler
and different than people, which is insane.
Honestly, jewelry in general, I'm just against.
I'm sorry.
And I'm not buying into this conal, conal trend
of the necklace outside the t-shirt.
I have to defend men who have a chain.
That's fine.
A chain is fine.
An anklet, not fine.
Anklet?
What man is wearing an ankle?
A bracelet, not fine.
But rings are very popular, especially in Brooklyn,
or for just mentally ill men.
I'm not even into watches.
I don't get it.
But listen, let's not get bogged down.
Oh, now you say let's not get bogged down.
The Lord doesn't want to say,
get bogged down in material things. Okay. So what metals are you allowed to wear in the Bible?
Hannah, I'm not a metal meteorologist. I don't even how to say that word. Is it a word?
Yeah, I think it is actually. Materialist. No, materologist is like, like a maternalist.
It's like something to do at metal, but don't quote me on that. Okay. Oh, so this, this is so interesting.
You guys. Okay, I'm literally obsessed with both of you. And Paige, hey, Paige. It is so hard to find this link. I hope you guys know that. I still don't know where the link is. I've DMed both of you. I can't figure it out. Chat Chb-T helped me find it. Thank God. But I jumped to submit to this. Okay. A dirty car. If you have a dirty car and you offer to pick me up on our first date, absolute instant ick, never going out with you again. Okay, recently went out on a first date with this girl.
from Hinge. She offered to pick me up and take me to the movies. And she bought the movie tickets.
And I was like, okay, chivalry, we love this. I get in her car. It is the most filthy, disgusting.
I'm not talking messy. My car is messy. I eat in my car. I leave some garbage in my car. It's not,
it's not crystal clean. These seats were stained black. I wasn't confident that if I sat on the
seats, I wouldn't get something on my clothes. Do not offer to pick a pretty girl up on a date.
She ran out of time. But the point was well made. Yes. Yes. So what's your take on this?
Well, I didn't grow up with car culture. Like when I never, a guy never picked me up for a date
in a car. Really? Yeah, because I've always been in the city and then in college, no one's driving.
Right. So I've never been. Except.
you baby.
Oh, that's right.
And you picked me up in a beautiful car.
Yeah, and you know I hit the car wash
before I picked that bitch up, you know?
I know you got a deep clean.
No, because that's what I was laughing at
because this girl was like,
never have your car messy.
I'm a messy guy.
But like, the only time I would ever worry
about the car being clean
is if I was picking up a girl.
I'd be like, better fucking clean this shit out.
Oh, Hannah's upset again, guys.
She's making that face.
She says she doesn't do it, but she's doing it.
I do have to say,
considering you're both messy people, we're actually not that bad with the car.
Like we're pretty good at taking out the garbage.
Yeah, but only when I know somebody else is getting in the car, though.
That's the thing.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, if it's just me like touring.
But she's saying, again, if you know someone's getting in the car.
I'm with her. I'm with her 100%.
Yeah.
You know, I don't know what chivalry is when it's like two ladies, though.
What do you mean?
Well, she's getting picked up by a woman and she was like, okay, chivalry.
Yeah, like she was saying that,
the woman is taking care of her.
She's taking charge.
And it's like the woman
should have not taken care of her with the car
because it hurt her.
She's a Mets.
Yeah.
But at least she's being honest.
At least she's like,
you're getting into this knowing,
hey, I'm a disaster.
Yeah.
There is something about people's cars though
because I go in a lot of people's cars
like Uber a lot.
And sometimes you're like,
you feel their energy.
You can smell like it has a certain smell to it.
You can look around and see like,
okay, they have a dog.
They have a kid
They have an ex-boyfriend
Who keeps leaving his stuff
Like you could just see into people's lives
Through their car
I didn't want to say by the way
Since I just started driving
I was unaware of like
The peacefulness
Of like after being out
Socialize whatever getting in your car
Oh the car
I've never felt that kind of solitude
Yeah this is what you've been missing out on how
I have
I have because even when you get back home
You're still like you're home
If your roommates
Yeah I don't get out of the car sometimes
Sometimes. Like, not just with you in my life. No, I know, like, I'll just not drive and I'll just sit there and be like, holy shit, this is. Because actually acoustically, cars are very, like, they're good for recording. Yeah, good for recording. You know, they're calm. Good for being alone with your thoughts. But also driving. That's like, you don't listen to a lot of podcasts yourself. You make podcasts. But like, if you were driving, you know, it's a really great time to like get stuck into a podcast. And it does, it's good with music. Yeah, I like, I like that moment.
Um, actually, you know, I just realized what next week's prompt should be.
What?
And it's a selfish one.
Mm-hmm.
I want, like, podcast recommendations.
Okay.
Because it can be very hard to find, but so, hey, dialers.
Obviously, we know your number one podcast is bearing a phone and giggly squad.
But we want your suggestions next week, the best podcast.
And give a reason why.
Explain why you like that podcast.
Can I also add to that?
I would love people to also add.
their recommendations in general.
Things they are like, this is great, you know?
That's all right.
So you're just going to broaden it right out to everything?
I think it's like whether it's a product you love, a TV show you're loving,
a restaurant.
You know, we did a TV episode episode.
True, true, true.
But like a restaurant or like something that you really want to put out there in the ether,
a book that you read that you love.
Like sometimes that's what I like the internet for.
try to, I rarely like when people do like, there's like an article written, like things we
recommend. I want to see the comments, like what people actually are obsessed with.
Like, what brings you guys joy right now? Whether it's a podcast.
This is a broad, prompt.
It went for podcast representative.
I basically want, what makes you feel alive?
I want, I want good recommendations for things that have enhanced your life.
Okay. All right. You heard it here first. That's the prompt for next week, guys.
And you can go on a scavenger hunt to find the link.
Yeah.
So much for me finding out podcasts.
No, because I can never fucking think of a good podcast when I'm like looking for one,
other than like the five that I always listen to.
But it's very hard to just randomly give one a try because like half the time they suck.
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All right, let's go.
We got Hannah's under
Hannah's under time pressure
so I want to get a couple more in.
This person's not actually coming for you
but they're coming for something
that I feel like you've weighed in on before.
Hi, Hannah and Des.
Thank you so much for being here
and giving us this podcast.
I have the smallest bone to pick
with Anna.
Maybe more of like an open poll
for the dialers or the gicklers.
In recent episodes, Hannah has said a couple of times that Pittsburgh is the Florence of the Midwest.
And I just don't believe that Pittsburgh is the Midwest.
I live in St. Louis, Missouri, which is like the dead center of the country, the center.
of the Midwest.
Never been to Pittsburgh, so I could definitely be wrong.
There's room for error, but I would like to hear some other opinions on this because
for some reason I just can't let it go.
This is so funny because I love getting into stuff and I've done this with my friends
before where we're both like, we can be easily swayed.
And I can be easily swayed too.
So great question, so valid.
When I've performed in Pittsburgh, I'd be like, we're the easy.
coast, right? And they get very weird about it. So they're not the Midwest officially.
Some of them like consider themselves to be the Midwest because it's the most.
Yeah, it's Midwest adjacent. But officially it isn't. It's edging. It's edging. So it's part of my
joke. It's like the way Ridgewood Queens thinks it's Brooklyn. Yeah, it's like part of my joke.
It's that it's Florence of the Midwest because they have a lot of water with a lot of bridges.
like cute small bridges.
And it's a beautiful city.
But so valid, I don't think it's, do you want to Google?
I did Google it before.
I mean, it's not officially.
It's not, yeah.
And the Midwest is called the Midwest.
Because it's like people like, why is it called the Midwest
when it's really not even middle at all?
Yeah.
It's like quite east.
Yeah, it's quite east.
Yeah.
But there's a reason for that, which I forgot.
When I travel and I perform in these cities,
it's funny what like the actual people consider themselves.
Because some of them, like,
they don't align themselves.
with like Philly and stuff.
Like they're not that east.
So they like to kind of be different, I guess.
Yes.
Well, same with like upstate New York.
Well, like far upstate New York.
Like the people in like Rochester,
yeah.
They sound more Midwestern than they do New York.
But they're not.
Yeah.
But they probably associate with that culture more.
It's honestly,
in a way I feel like the Midwest is such a dated sort of classification
because I feel like the Great Lake States
have a lot more.
common than like Chicago with St. Louis.
Pittsburgh, their culture is more Midwest than East Coast.
It's well, it's great lakeish.
Yeah.
So I think that's where they got it from.
But yeah, there's a lot of places, even like I was in like certain places in Colorado and
I'm like, you guys are the West, right?
And they're like, no.
Well, where they're concerned it's at the mountain region?
The mountain, the mountain region type stuff.
Yes.
So yeah, there's a lot of.
Well, they have their own time zone.
Yeah, there's a lot of edging happening.
in certain places.
Well, let's get to one more before you go.
Okay.
And then I'm going to do a...
I just had to...
But yeah, she's right.
It's not the Midwest.
Hannah has it...
Hannah's got an exciting week.
She's doing the Tonight show.
Oh, yeah, I'm doing Fallon tomorrow.
And she's doing the Today Show.
So she has to do...
I'm doing the Today and the Tonight show.
Yeah, she's doing today, tonight on NBC.
Actually, I wonder how often that's been done.
I wonder how many people have done today tonight.
Probably whenever people go in press stores, it's happened before.
Yeah, today, tonight.
So Hannah's doing the Today Tonight Tonight.
So needless to say, this afternoon, she has to have a call with the tonight show about tomorrow.
So there's a lot going on.
Today we're having a call tomorrow about the tonight show.
But I also am doing today.
Yes.
Which is tomorrow.
Which is happening shortly.
But I will continue on with one prompt.
But we're going to do one more before we go.
This is funny.
Hey, Hannah does.
An immediate turnoff that would make me stop going out with a guy is where.
he chooses to take me on a first date or the first, like, few dates.
I don't know if it's just me and my friends, but we cannot stand when a guy takes us out to,
like, childish places to do, like, very childish, like, activities.
Like, an arcade, sometimes can be okay, but most of the time, no.
Mini-pudding, my friend has had someone take her out to, like, a trampoline place.
If it's a place where eight-year-olds, like, hosts their birthday parties, please do not take me there.
I'd rather you just take me out for, like, drinks and dinner, like, just normal.
Yeah, I'm not saying, like, these are bad date ideas.
It's just that's just me and my friends, I guess.
And these date ideas, I think, are more fun when you've been dating the person for a while, and it's kind of, like, a fun thing to do.
But not, not in the beginning.
A hundred percent.
I agree.
I was going to say, I like the thing.
thought once you know the guy
and you know you enjoy spending time with him.
Like it's the-
You know what happens is people get feel pressure
until I come up with a cool idea.
Yeah, but they over-thinking.
You know what it's giving, overcompensating.
Yeah.
Like, you're worried that I won't like you
just sitting across from you at dinner.
You want to distract me by me
spraining my Achilles
during a trampoline war
and I could take out a whole family
of kids by bouncing the wrong direction.
But it's true, like I would love this
like five dates in with a guy
that we've done dinner a couple of times
and I want to see him in a different, like, scenario.
But it's true, the first date, you don't want to have an awkward interaction with someone
while doing something awkward.
It's fun to do something awkward with people you love.
Yes.
Well, I have to say, in my healthy days and in my dating days, if a woman had said, do you want
to go to a trampoline place, I would have been seriously into it.
But I never would have suggested it.
This is the male perspective.
No, but I've never would have suggested it myself.
I never would have suggested it.
You on our, like, third date signed us up for a, like, seven-hour volleyball tournament.
No, it wasn't, first of all, it wasn't our third date at all.
It was, but neither to say, it was not, it wasn't a date.
It wasn't a date at all.
Yeah, I didn't realize that until when I got there.
Well, we were already living together.
Were we?
Yeah.
You're like, this wasn't a date.
This was a tournament on the books that you knew about.
Oh yeah, Hannah hates competition.
It's like her whole identity.
She didn't give me any impression that she wasn't insanely upset.
with competition in any way.
Yeah, but I like things that I'm good at
and I don't like playing 14-year-olds.
Excuse me, Hannah.
The second time we played a tournament together,
we won.
Against 14-year-olds.
Hannah, it was an open tournament.
It was like, they just happened to be some,
and all those kids are good.
So Hannah's got to go.
She's got a call.
I love you guys so much.
She's got a call with the Tonight Show.
Wait, also, I have Texas states coming up.
Houston, Dallas, Austin, get tickets.
My mom's going to be there.
Okay, great.
So Hannah's got shows in Texas.
they're not going to love the Bible jokes but anyway
Hannah's got a show in Texas check that out so listen
Hannah's gone it's just me and you
I'm not staying very long but there was
there was a serious enough
and we'll play out some lighthearted ones at the end
but there was a serious one that came in you know
and you know I love a bit of grief chat
so I'll just play this one
and we'll just we'll chat
because you know when people
reach out. They're struggling on the grief front. I always like to give my two cents.
Hey, Des, hey Hannah. Little dialer over here, also a giggler. Hannah, I think we went to Wisconsin
the same time. Go badgers. I have a little bit of a question for you guys. It's not exactly
fun. It's probably more for Des. I lost my dad in the beginning of the year.
and I feel like my friends kind of don't understand the magnitude of the loss.
I'm only 34, so they haven't really gone through it.
And sometimes I'll use that as an excuse not to show up somewhere.
And it's November right now, so it's been like 10 months.
And I feel like sometimes I get a little judgment of like, really, you're using that as an excuse.
So just would love how you like kind of figure out how to navigate that.
that. Thank you. Love you guys.
Well, actually, I was 35 when my...
I was 35 when my dad died, so
one I can identify with the age and, you know,
I was early. I was really...
Well, of my Irish group of friends, I was only the second
guy, my one friend lost his dad very early. He was very young.
And then me, honestly, most of them
still have their dads.
And in the States, similar enough.
Well, no, actually in the States.
Anyway, I won't get bugged down on that,
but I was pretty early.
So I'll start with the bad news.
The bad news is there's just no way for them to understand.
And in a way, you don't want them to understand
because to truly understand,
they would have had to have experienced that level of loss.
So ignorance is bliss,
and they're living in that blissful ignorance.
And it sucks that...
they don't understand because they're not giving you any grace in that situation.
So on the flip side, you know, you can just lie.
You know, if you would rather not be sort of shamed by them when they can't understand,
then you just don't have to give that reason.
At the end of the day, it's a very valid reason for you to not want to be social, you know?
people deal with grief in different ways.
The only thing I will say is that sometimes it's good to push past it
because when the times of the pain being so immense,
actually distraction can be key.
It doesn't feel that way because you feel so not in the mood.
But actually, the distraction can like kind of just accidentally get you to forget
for a period of time, which I have to be honest,
and I've felt, and I've heard other people speak of it,
there is a sense of guilt sometimes
when you sort of like don't think about them for a while,
but that also fades.
I mean, that is the goal, really.
The goal is to sort of be able to get on with life,
where for a lot of it, you're not sort of consumed by the grief.
So maybe find a balance between coming up with an excuse
where they're not going to throw it back
in your face and make you feel bad about very rational feelings of grief.
But then also, maybe fight against it once or twice and don't give into the grief.
Give into the grief sounds a bit shaming, but I would say maybe just try to push past it
and get out there.
Because the one thing I will say, because there's always this balance between when people say
you need to grieve, right, which is a process and a journey that takes a long time.
and there's no nobody's figured out the perfect formula for it.
I feel like there's a balance of giving yourself the grace to grieve,
but also not giving into it to the sense where you could wallow in it.
Now, I don't like the term wallowing because it sounds kind of negative,
but I do think that you can wallow in it.
And by the way, I'm not saying you are,
but I am saying that like there is a balance between those two things.
And I think that it's really about finding the time
where you think, am I giving into this too much?
And also knowing that you absolutely need
to not go out with your friends.
And also, I would just say, like, try not to take it too personally,
especially if it's not affecting your relationship with them that much
because they just don't understand.
You know, they just don't.
I mean, it'd be great if they made a bit more of,
an effort, but it is just one of those things that you can't understand until it happens to you,
you know? People are sympathetic, but, you know, also articulating it like you did helps.
So I hope my very sort of like long-winded, not very precise answer helped. But I think most
importantly, you're not in your own. Like, it's good to talk to people who have been through it,
you know? You know, that age and all that stuff. Like, it kind of sucks.
Later on, you're going to have more friends that get it, you know?
But for now, it sucks when you're on a bit of an island with your feelings.
So, well done for reaching out.
And anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the episode.
Very, very chaotic with the conversation pieces.
But I had a good time.
I know Hannah had a good time.
And I'll play out a couple of more relationship turnoffs.
And so, hey, I'm adding shows.
all the time. I added some Texas shows
for the new year.
I also added
West Nyack, New York, Levity Live.
I added, well, I told you the other
ones already about Seattle, Portland,
Toronto, L.A., San Diego,
Rochester, New York.
I added other places. Oh, I just added
San Jose Improv. I added
Wise Guys, Salt Lake City,
a one-nighter. And then I think I'm doing a weekend in
Vegas at the Wise Guys in Vegas, which I go to a lot, but I normally do the comedy seller.
And I think there's other ones that I added to that I can't remember.
They're all on my website. Check it out.
Desbishop.net on my live, you know, live dates link.
And, oh, so what I wanted to say before we got off was we really, we need you guys to just
spread the word about the podcast.
We're starting like a new, a new.
year with the people that host the podcast for us.
And we'd love to start this new sort of cycle with a bang.
So, you know, if you have some people that maybe slept on Burnifone or listened at the
beginning where we were only sort of figuring out what Burnaphone itself was about, maybe
let them know to give it another chance, post about Burnifone on your Instagram.
We posted a couple of videos recently, maybe share one of those.
And yeah, let's just get Burnerfone.
phone off on a upward trajectory heading into 2026, you know, like and subscribe and all that
stuff.
And thanks for all the Spotify comments and all your interactions.
And we'll talk to you guys next week.
You heard the prompt.
Very broad prompt.
I mean, Hannah's not here now.
So for me, and this is, I'm not saying, don't pay attention to what Hannah was saying,
because that's great too.
But I'm genuinely looking for podcast recommendations.
so that was kind of selfish for me.
I'm very open to the other recommendations
about other things in life that you recommend
that Hannah was mentioning.
But for me personally,
I'm on the hunt for some good podcasts.
So we'll see you guys next week.
Thanks so much for listening.
Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, Des.
Just needed to let you guys know
I am finally caught up on burner phone.
I have no idea what
the prompt is, but just felt the need to leave a voicemail for you guys. After two plus years
of trying to catch up, we are finally here and I can start listening on a weekly base.
The only negative thing is I am behind now on Giggly Squad and have to catch up since the July
29th episode. So yeah, just felt the need to let you know and catch
you up on where I am with listening to everybody. Thank you. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Love you guys.
One time I was on a date. It was the second date. And the man said, I have a confession to make.
I know your ex-husband, but don't worry, I asked his permission to go out with you.
And that was the moment that I was like, oh, no. Anyway, love you guys. Bye.
