Berner Phone - Berner Phone #12: More Dumb Etiquette and Traditions

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

The phonies are fed up with office small talk, mommy influencers, and wedding traditions. Plus, Hannah's mom makes an appearance on the pod.  embracepetinsurance.com/bern

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Welcome to Burner Phone, my phoneies. Phonies and sticking. I would be of the opinion that it's not sticking. Oh. Just in that there was some, you know, there was, there was definitely.

some feedback of like don't call us phonies really where was that in the place that you're not allowed to go oh see this is what happened you tell me i can't look at comments but then i don't know accurately how people are feeling i got like one dm that was like okay phonies is cute and i was yeah i mean uh there there was there was i mean some people were fine with phonies but there was some review you you had actually i believe you said on the last episode uh you know um leave it in the review. So there was a few people in the review saying, love the pod, don't call us phonies. We're separated. We're not together right now. So, yeah, Des is in a humble abode in Ireland. And I'm in a tiny apartment in the Lower East Side. Why are you sort of, why are you sort of

playing down both of our accommodations? Like, like, what are you, would have afraid people are going to think that we're like too rich or something? Like, Des is in a humble abode in Ireland. I'm in a small apartment in the Lower East Side, despite all my hard work lately, it hasn't translated into a Park Avenue apartment and a stately manner in Ireland. Oh, God. Well, it is good for people to know. Des and I actually haven't spoken in years. Hannah, come on.

Well, actually, I mean, because it's a five-hour time difference, I'm used to talking to him at night, but now I can't talk to him at night because it's the middle of the night for him so we waited and this is I mean you did wake me up this morning with a phone call but this is our first conversation of the day this is actually our first conversation of the day but we don't have to have that

that conversation you know we don't have to bore our listeners with like oh did you check the mail this morning we don't have to I actually did get something in the mail for you but we'll discuss that later it's an icon pass it's a skiing thing don't open it up it was this close to throwing it away it looked like an ad it looked like an ad for a

And did you, I bet you threw out the, I bet you threw out the letter from Coles. Did you throw out the letter from Coles? That sounds like something I throw out. Yeah, that was a credit. That was a credit card bill, Hannah. Just don't, do me favor. Don't throw out anything with my name on it, okay? Because we've had numerous instances already.

I'll do it. I'll do it. I swear I'll do it. So we had so many awesome contributions last week for traditions and etiquette that we're doing an episode two. So let's get right into it. Hey Hannah. Hey, Des. I love you both. Um, one societal tradition I despise is when people, but specifically celebrities, will post a photo on Instagram or somewhere and put an emoji over their baby's entire face. Like even if the baby is like a week old or a month old,

like I don't know what the F they're hiding. Like one, all babies look the same for the first like four months I would say. And two, why are you? posting the photo in the first place then like i don't really want to see a photo of a giant heart emoji on my feed i want to see a fat baby like i just don't get it but that's just me love you guys bye wait this is so funny because let's be honest the celebrity wants attention still that they've had a baby but they don't want to think put their baby non-consensually on their with 10 million followers. So it is quite funny.

I love that. I've had situations where people I know have had kids and they're like, I'll never post my kid. And then they did that emoji thing. But by the time they're three or four, they're fucking posting the kid because at the end of the day, the desire. Yeah, I tell people like,

I would never post my kid. I know my kid's going to do one funny thing. And I'll be like, I have to share this on the internet. And then I'm posting Lois because she's so freaking adorable. My niece, like left and right. But then there is a thing.

I think when they become like six, seven, eight, nine, it's a little bit like, do they want to be a part of this? But I think when you have a baby, she's right. Your baby looks like a little meatloaf and it's okay. I respect them wanting privacy, but it is kind of funny. So you want privacy, but you don't want privacy. But then if you don't post a photo of your baby, people are like, where's the baby? Why aren't you posting a baby? Didn't she have a baby?

Yeah, but like there's no. So it's kind of a lose-lose. I need to lose, lose. No, there's no need to post a fucking baby with an emoji over their face because the reality is the face is the only fucking bit that matters, right? When they're a fucking baby, the only bit that we need to fucking see is their cute little head and who does it look like, the mother or the father. So if you're not showing that, just don't fucking post it.

Well, then, though. There's some drama online right now, though, because Paris Hilton posted her baby and people are making fun of her baby's head. and to the point she had to put out a statement she's like guys there's more important things going on the world than my baby's head and I mean imagine people like putting hate online

for your like cute little chubby baby but that's the thing is like the internet's an awful place I mean it's a brutal place and that's why I would be of the opinion that you shouldn't post actually because you don't need that like it's bad enough that we you know the entertainment industry now is

you post online and that's just the way it is and comments are a part of it right that's all good and bad right it's bad enough that you have to deal with that but then to add because your baby's not going to be upset your baby doesn't give a fuck you know but you're going to be upset and it's going to feel even worse because now it's like you know i don't know like i actually now you have to have another baby because you have a like a funny-headed baby you have to well i i haven't even seen that stuff but you know at the end of the day don't post your kid and then when your kid is seven eight nine you sit that kid down and you go listen are you ready to make

money on YouTube or not? Because if you're not going to make money for this family, you go to boarding school. Go to boarding school. Okay. Are you ready to open fucking toys on the internet and get some subscribers? If you're not, you're going to boarding school. I do have to say there are a lot of influencers that once they have a baby, they get like a whole new following of moms who want to see like their mom stuff. So their posts go from like not a lot of engagement to when they post the baby, they get a ton of engagement. And then, you know, your dopamine brain is like, want people to love me and my baby so you keep posting so i feel like if you're a parent influencer if you really want to get hate you just get on and be like you know what it's not

actually that hard i feel like everyone posts like it's really hard i need all the moms and dads out there to know that it's okay to hate your child like it's okay like no but people get mad at the mommy influences who like every day they have like a perfect peanut butter and jelly that they cut out like a dinosaur and people are like it's not that easy it's not they never post the reality you know they never post the reality of like the mother and father are arguing being like who the fuck is going to keep pushing this fucking car back and forth for the next hour because i've had enough i want a reality tv of behind the scenes of a mommy blogger being like jeremy there's $50,000 on the line and you're having a tantrum and i need you to get this photo with you know this

like toy okay i do also think that um you need the fucking star in the fucking star hole stop trying to put the star in the square hole you have to show the label you have to show the label and show your teeth when you smile we're having fun yeah i got the fucking baby teeth whiteners smile for your one tooth for your one tooth don't lose it don't lose that one tooth there's this thing with um they'll do because i follow a lot of cat accounts where at the end of the week they'll like rank the cats and be like who is the best cat of the week it was fluffy um because fluffy cuddled with you know her brother and then who was the worst cat of the week you know it was um navy because navy shat all over everyone's homework and i think i'll do that with my kids like if i have

two kids like okay who's the best kid of the week which is probably going to cause them to have a lot of PTSD and be in therapy, but it's funny if at the end of every week I did it into story being like, well, so and so, well, little Bradley, you know, had a tantrum for four days for no reason. So you're at the bottom. You're at the bottom this week, okay? And you could be voted out of the family. Yeah. And then Little Bradley's like, well, hey, I wouldn't have had a tantrum if I wasn't created genetically from two of the most emotionally unstable people on the planet. it wasn't my fucking fault that both my parents have ferocious anxiety oh god i love this also can i just point out you were like oh we'll probably give our child PTSD we literally had a thing on the

wall of a doghouse and three dogs desmond michael had three dogs and when one of us was in trouble. So we'd come down in the morning and we discover that one of us was in the fucking doghouse. What did that mean? Like, what was your day going to be like? It just meant that you were in trouble. You're literally in the doghouse. Yeah, like, mom is not happy with you. Or like something would happen and like my mother after beating me would, after after smacking the shit out of me, uh, she would go immediately to the magnet and Des, crying Des, would go from being out peeing openly on a on a on a hydrant to being in the doghouse would you get would you get would you get embarrassed that you were the one in the dog house nobody wanted to be in the doghouse

and you felt great you got to remember your kid right so it felt great when you would come out of the dog house you know yeah like like the fucking shawshank redemption like fucking Tim robin's coming out of a fucking sewer covered in shit we're all three of you ever in the dog house on the same time of course we're all in the fucking doghouse at the same time covered in fucking ice cream no doubt you're like aiden if I'm going in

you gotta go in with me he's like save yourself oh trust me Aiden took one Aiden took one for me numerous times man I had numerous

one time I fucking threw something out one of them I fucking broke the window on the door and I was like all right Mike you got to tell mom

that you were sweeping you were sweeping and you brought the broombrack and you accidentally hit the glass that's what my brother did that for me

of course my mother didn't believe him but he tried it was the thought that counts yeah once I was left alone with my brother like for dinner and it was like this big deal that we were eating dinner alone and it was spaghetti and meatballs of course and something went haywire and I threw a meatball at him and of course I hit the wall and we were trying to clean it up we couldn't and we were in trouble for a long time after that and Daniel was just like she threw it and I was like why can't we both go down you said something annoying I mean I don't know if these dumbass kid stories are funny but when we were kids that we had like we called it the family room but it was actually like a converted porch but we basically we had this huge not a huge house but pretty big house but everything happened in

this tiny fucking converted point so all our board games were on like a shelf on on one of the walls in in the family room and i accidentally pulled the whole fucking shelf down and every fucking box fell to the floor uh and i was like oh my god what the fuck am i going to do so i waited until my mother pulled up in the car and then i buried myself under the boxes. So when she walked in, when she walked in, she was like, what happened here? I was like, ma, everything fell on me. Like, as if I was in a fucking earthquake. You're, you're the victim. No, yeah. I'm like, ma, you need to move operation and monopoly. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Mous, you're under the rubble. Mousetrap is cutting off the circulation in my thigh.

You go, there's been an avalanche in Queens. There's been a an avalanche. Mom, I can't see shoots and ladders is on my face. Candy land. Candy land is choking me. You just have your

hand out of the snow like in Milan. That was a Milan reference. Because the snow got them and you just see the guy's hand. Yeah, that's what it was like. You know, it's like one of those moments. That is so fucking funny.

Like a search dog. We found one. We found one. He's under a game of risk. A lot of life. life is was like messing up and then being like how are we going to re tell this story so that we're not in trouble and we could watch TV again man you know there's a lot of things I miss about youth you know one of the things I miss most is a time where I wasn't smart enough

to um not lose at connect four uh one of the things about getting older is you realize that connect four is always going to end in a draw very sad the only way you could win at tic-tac-toe is if the other person's not paying attention yeah tick-tac-toe is actually a better example remember how fun tick-tac-toe used to be when you didn't realize that it's always going to be a draw but I was the like you I was the older sister so every now and then

I'd get a game that in the beginning I'd beat daniel at and I'd be like ha-ha-ha and then he'd learn it and I'd be like oh this game's stupid I don't want to play anymore connect for what's fun when you were a kid though now you uh you you uh got a request from your mother to add uh add a tradition that she doesn't like my mom for everyone to know she listens to all my podcast she calls me after and she's like i love this episode of giggly squad oh my god burner foam is so good this week she's my pulse she's my pulse on what the people want and she basically was like oh my god i have an annoying tradition i need to bitch about and i said

send it over voice note now so she sent it in let's listen to it hi hannah and des um one of the traditions that has not aged well in my mind is sending cards you know like hallmark cards over the years it just gets you know more annoying that there's still certain people that want to get a card on their birthday or anniversary. And it just seems so, like, stupid to, like, go by a card written by somebody else and then, like, write another thing in it because you have to write something else, otherwise it's not, you know, personal. And then you mail it to a, and you can't time it right.

It never gets there on time. It's just, like, I can't believe it's still going on in that. If you don't do it, some people get, like, annoyed. It needs to end. So, yeah. Love you. I miss you guys. Bye.

All right. So did we talk about thank you cards last week or no? We did do something. I think you might have brought it up. But she's talking specifically about birthdays. And I think that's so true that, like, you're literally just picking out something, someone actually a bunch of people in like a business building wrote of something generic with like a puppy on the front some shitty joke you know yeah and people are like if you don't get me

this card I can't I'm so mad at you like with a picture of a pug and it's like I wish I could pug you on your birthday yeah I mean I'm grateful I'm always grateful that I can just buy like a shitty card and that like that covers the that covers the job but I but I I do I do definitely um I concur with your mother's frustration it is kind of a silly you know it does come from a time where people communicated through letter writing and that was like that was like a funner way to receive a greeting I understand that people always get very judgmental about like digital communication but we digitally communicate and So we need to accept that a digital communication has the same meaning, comes from the same

place of love as a fucking hallmark card. I guess it's like the effort where it's like, okay, well, that really took you two seconds just to write this email and a card takes a ton of admin to the point that I'm not going to do it, okay? I don't even know how to get a stamp. But I was just thinking of my head, imagine if like a hundred years ago they had a podcast So they were bitching about like, oh, people still want us to use pigeons. And it's like, we use paper now.

I mean, I'm not trying to kill a business. But like, honestly, these days, like, honestly, lately, I can't remember what. I went for something that I was sending a wedding present, you know, sending a, sending a check. So I wanted to put it in a card. And I was in the greeting card shop. And like, it just feels like even greeting cards, like they're not making as many. and even go into a greeting card shop and like half of the thing is like empty and it's just like it just feels it's just for like being in the hospital and you're like I just want a birthday card

oh god I mean it's so it's so awful like eventually you're like well listen she's she's 45 today but she's getting a three-year-old's card because that's all they have in here she's getting a newborn card yeah yeah congratulations on your christening I'll scratch it off you know just because like sometimes I couldn't find a money envelope that was that was the thing so I just yeah but then they have like the general section you know it's like do I need a card with no writing on it that has like the picture of like autumn foliage you know like do I need do I need that you know do you know when there's like sparkles on it like glitter and then it gets everywhere like it's touch one card and it's like the herpes of decorations um

I also I don't like trust that I'm going to just throw this in like a corner of New York City in one of the mailboxes and that it's going to arrive safely. And I'm not going into a USPS. I'm not dealing with that mental trauma. Hey, can I just talk about a pet peeve related to greeting cards? Yeah. Since we still do greeting cards,

if somebody here is listening and you're the asshole that takes an envelope behind the greeting card but doesn't buy that greeting card like you're stealing the envelope, you know who you are. You know who you are. Disgraceful. Shame on you.

As bad as... As bad as peeing on the seat in a bathroom. That's like one of the great peeves of my life. But it doesn't come up that much. But have you ever found, have you ever finally found an awesome card? And then there's no corresponding envelope. Yeah, it's like, what are you going to do?

Just give it to them raw dogging. Yeah, now you can't, now you can't. Well, I'm going to go to the UPS store to get a fucking envelope. It's not happening. I will do anything to avoid the USPS store. Yeah, like I need, I need a yellow, I need a yellow envelope. I can't put this in a normal white envelope.

I need a yellow overpriced envelope. I need to spend $5 on this piece of cardboard And they're not all the same size They're all different shapes of rectangles Exactly Exactly

If I am the mood to get yelled at And humbled I will go to USPS But that's like once a month That I am in that mood I know I was actually said the UPS store But I know that you're so traumatized

By your experience at the post office Between Southwest and USPS I'm getting like Personally victimized by both of them Yeah and as a result I have to pay the price of having you throw out all my mail all the time to the point where like I nearly got

I nearly got arrested for not showing up to jury duty so anyway this is a good this is a good tradition 100% concur with my mother-in-law and a wonderful contribution your favorite mother-in-law

yeah my only mother-in-law my only living the only living yeah the only one with the word mother on it that's living the grandmothers are gone my own mother's gone all i have is a mother-in-law i have a godmother i have a godmother uh and my nana and and and you're yeah my and i have a grandmother-in-law yeah yeah so um what's up next let's get the party started let's go since we since we're since we're talking about uh since we're talking about weddings let's just get right

into it. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. I love the podcast. My submission is about weddings. I don't, I just think they're weird the way they've evolved through the years. Now they're just worshipping these two people and it's like a celebrity status, weird worship hero thing just for one day. I don't mind, you know, wedding that's nice and casual, but the way that things are going now, where it's just fawning over these two people, especially with the speeches, my God, you'd think that they were dead. You'd think that that was a eulogy, the way they talk and go on about these people. And it just makes me uncomfortable. So anyway, I know that's an unpopular opinion, but love you guys. Bye-bye. Oh, that's a great, that was a, that was a, that was a,

really good execution of that tradition. That's so funny because I've described it like that where like it's literally like my best friend could be getting married. Like when Haley was getting married, I was nervous to like talk to her during the event. Like she became this like real celebrity that I was like, I don't want to bother her. I don't want to say anything wrong. And she's busy talking to everyone. And I remember it feels weird because you're.

like, where's my friend in this moment? And then the next day, you show up and you're all hung over and you're like, you silly bitch. Yeah, but you know, isn't it, isn't it great to be in the select group of people that are like hanging out the next day? Like, I always feel there's like different degrees of, of connections. And then it's like, when everyone's hung over and you're just chilling out, like, back in like her parents house, you know, you know, like, then you're like, you're in that crew.

It's like, yeah, we're the real friends. I actually, I ignored you yesterday because I wanted all these. Johnny Come Lately's to like to pay homage to you. You know, it's almost like they're like the people that like ask for a photo. It's like, oh my God, I love you. Can I have a photo? But you're like the real friend like the next day. It's like now we're just going to make fun of each other and like talk about who looks like

shit or who went bald. Do you know that I said Johnny Come Lately to Page and she was like what? And I'm like, you've never heard of a Johnny Come Lately. And I had to like explain it to her. And I was like, okay, the moment's over. I won't use that one with you. it's a great one i i i honestly i've heard it i've heard it before i don't think it's irish from the dialer i i i i 100% agree that there's just like way too much pressure like pressure to give a huge gift

pressure to you know get involved in this this this this this farce i mean a lot of weddings have become like farcical you know you're getting you're getting drone shots and half of the wedding which is we fought it we didn't fight about this but we fought this but we fought against this Half of a wedding is like annoying admin to immortalize the day, which actually takes away from the day. How beautiful the day is. Yeah. So like stop like obviously everyone, everyone, to be honest, everyone disagreed me.

But I was like, hey, you're fucking photos. I don't care. I don't want like half the day. I don't want like an hour and a half after the fucking ceremony before the dinner taking photos. It's not what we need. We'll grab a couple of shots and everybody will be. happy yeah it's funny because that just like is part of it like if you say that to them they're like

that's not that's insane you have to do that there's a lot of things that they were like you have to do that and we were like why you're like why but it's it also it's become such a big money business that is like this is what you do i mean i mean i could talk about this for years people gonna judge people oh what because people are going to judge you because you know you didn't have you know some thing because i don't have a random group uh like groomsmen like put putting his tie on in the video. Oh, oh,

bro. Like, I mean, we talked about this before, but like, when the fucking photographer came to my house, all my buddies were in the fucking hot tub,

and like nothing was happening. And the house was like, the house was like literally like, like, like a den of calm. Yeah. It was like, it was like a bunch of fucking surfers being like, what?

It was just nothing happened. We had to like stage, half an hour before the wedding. Yeah, we have to like stage. We had to like stage the like getting ready shots. you know like i had to have steve stand there and like help me with my cufflings which i which i didn't fucking need you know so like all that stuff all that stuff is fine anyway i don't want to digress

too much but i do agree with the the caller that there's just too much pressure and i absolutely love her uh her comparison with with the eulogy and to be honest man honestly i feel like eulogies have a higher hit rate of success for speeches than wedding speeches you know for sure because it's like i don't need to know how great of a person and you know like it's just really boring i mean we had pretty good we had pretty good speeches but like as far as i was concerned all weddings there should be a fucking timer like literally all wedding holes should have like a basketball fucking scorekeeping fucking timer and like the fucking you tell the band to start playing like like four minutes like a fucking shock clock there should be a fucking speech clock well like an award show

when it's like da da da da da da da da da da exactly like ah you're done just because like this is there's love speeches and has a lot of opinions on speeches but there's just no there's no need well sometimes they make it about them everything can be said about this fucking person in three minutes you know we'll give the father of the bride five okay uh uh the best man three minutes 50 to 80 percent of the time they're not funny as it turns out at haley's wedding the best man was fucking hilarious he nailed it but it was brief brevity is the key every time anybody ever asked me like oh i'm doing a best man's what's your advice can you write you know i'd say just be fucking brief you know if you're brief

you can't lose or just yeah and be authentic when you try to reach to be like oh my god stephanie's so crazy like she ate a whole pizza pie one night and then puked in the bathroom like just don't try to make it like it's something it's not if she's a nice sweet girl just lean into that and listen your crazy story you've decided to tell i'm sure it was crazy at the time and it still feels crazy to you when you tell it because you can visualize. You're having memories and that's fine. I support you

that the memory was fucking crazy. You're not going to translate it into an interesting story. So don't tell the interesting story. One funny story, one heartwarming story. Thank everybody and get the fuck off. Sonia is Haley's like her best woman or whatever it's called.

Her maid of honor. maid of honor and we of course it's like eight hours of getting ready for bridesmaids you get there at like 7 a.m and i was tagging up her speech like crazy i was like give me that and i was like cut this part add this cut this i was like trying so hard to make the funniest speech and we were in it together but a lot of people also get really nervous because they don't do public speaking so they're not enjoying the wedding because they're so freaked out about this 10 minute it's like report they have to give on why their friend is so amazing that was literally like a like a wedding episode um will we go we never talk about our wedding so i think

it's it's good one thing about des and i we love our pets we foster a lot of pipples especially during the pandemic now we're with abbey who's available at southampton animal shelter um if you want to adopt her but she's with us right now and then as you know love my life i've had butter for over five years now having a pet can be expensive from natural pet food to pet sitting when you go on vacation The cost can skyrocket, but you'll do anything for you for a baby, you know? One thing that's definitely worth it is pet insurance. I love butter and want to do everything I can to help her live a happy full life. And I'm scared of those big bills that can be at the vet.

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Like, no, thank you. of some of anxiety, I would just rather not even acknowledge you at all. We'll get the ground the entire time. Please just come in and we each push our own buttons and go our own way. And we do not make eye contact once. And we stay at opposite corners, please, and thank you. Okay. So this is, this is New York City behavior and this is so true. This is why sometimes when I go to like the Midwest and people are saying like good morning at 7 a.m. in an elevator, I don't know how to act. But when you're put in a small space with another stranger, That's fucking awkward.

And it's like, I wish there was more of an understanding that, yeah, you don't have to acknowledge each other. You don't have to become best friends. You don't have to like make small talk. You know, that's my literal nightmare. It's also just awkward being in a small claustrophobic place with like, I hate when someone like stands right next to you and you're just like, are we doing this? Like I can smell your fucking shampoo right now.

What we need is we need to decide what is the elevator at again? because the whole thing of like what floor it's like you know i i have a wingspan that i i don't need to like have you press the thing but then you're like yeah then you're like oh 13 but then they're not regular 13 pressers so yeah they're fucking sitting there like fumbling over right yeah and then also i don't work for the elevator i'm not an elevator attendant i'm not just because i'm in front of it doesn't mean that like if there's two people in the elevator yeah you can clearly reach over and it's not that I'm I'm upset about doing it I mean it really is like anxiety inducing because it's like you just don't know if this is like an elevator ride where you chat

uh is this an elevator ride where you're just silent and then you don't know where to look like I'm I really feel it and then obviously there's the other etiquette of how close does somebody have to be to the elevator for you to actually hold it open while they're coming what's the what's the what's the what's the amount of steps before it's not rude to be like sorry sucker not your time the one thing you need to do is at least pretend that you're trying to stop the elevator you got to look if you make eye contact you go oh oh oh and someone actually you had a really funny video they did on ticot where it's like oh so oh i agree and then the second it shuts they're like loser but then sometimes the person in front of the elevator like takes it upon themselves

to be like Mother Teresa and there's like five people in the elevator and then they open the door for someone and it's closing, another person's coming and they open it again and you're like, okay, we're going to have to do a vote next time that you decide that we need another seven seconds of the door opening and closing.

Also sometimes... Are you the fucking conductor? Like, how did you become the elevator conductor? I think it depends how open the elevator is. Like, if people are coming and the elevator door is wide open, I'll try to keep it open for them because it doesn't require it to like reopen but sometimes I don't know

where the buttons are and I will be like oh fuck and I don't and you don't just want to click every button so then I just like won't click the right button and I'll be like I'm sorry and then you don't have to fucking see them again so you really do get away with it but sometimes my masculinity my my

hero complex does come out sometimes if I see like an elderly lady I'm like fucking Bruce Lee like my fucking leg comes out with a reflex and I stop the elevator right before it's about to close i jam my foot in there it opened back up and the old lady is like oh thank you young man yeah i mean then you go to heaven i risk my ankle for you but yeah well i have that new york city subway kid mentality where going on the subway you can

put your foot out and the doors will reopen for you so if you could just get your hands all elevators are like that so i will chuck myself and save it and then everyone's like oh and then I look at them like you all were not there for me but it's okay I wouldn't have been there for you yeah so I don't get upset yeah that's actually that's a that's a great etiquette right there is like is it acceptable to like just make it get your foot in and open it up is that are you being an asshole or is that you're right it does kind of depend like for example in our building we only had one elevator working and it's like fucking you know 18 19 floors so if you miss that elevator like you have to wait for another four minutes

So in that case, I think it's worth it, and it's a slow elevator. Also, speaking of our building, everyone's like, we don't need to know this much information about your guy's building, but you do. It's a very family building, and I've been in the situation where, like, there's a kid in the elevator, and they want to press the buttons, and you're like, okay, I'm button, you know, 10, and then they click the wrong buttons, and they fuck it up, and I'm like, and then the mom laughs, and I'm like, okay, well, I wanted to lie down and, watch Netflix and now that's been postponed.

I'm going to disagree with you here. Well, I'm not going to disagree, but what I'm going to say is that I actually, I like when the kid feels useful and does the buttons. Plus, it's just like sometimes when the kid is on the elevator, it can be like awkward. So if they have like a task, then like, then we're all in it together, you know, and then we can like, we can have it. Well, there's different, let's be honest, not every kid is equal. Some kids are assholes.

Some kids are little geniuses. I was on yesterday. There was this angelic kid yesterday who was like, what's your floor? And everyone told the floor. And she did it perfectly. And I was like, this is so cute. Can she work here? Like, it was adorable.

It like made my day. So with kids, it's really all or nothing. It's either like put them back where they came from or you've made my day. All right. I believe in humanity. Do you have any other, any other subway moments to share? Or sorry, any of the elevator moments to share? um no i just i look at my phone i'm that girl and then i'll get in my head when it's older people

being like oh they think she's just like all that girls do is look at their phone but i'm like i'm on my phone i deal with it like an uber driver where it's like if they say something to me i'm polite back because i don't want to get murdered but otherwise like please don't talk to me all right let's um let me let's next on the do okay so i hate the societal norm that breastfeeding in public is still taboo. I breastfeed my baby and I breastfed my first son too and I just whip it out wherever and I'll baby wear him and I'll feed him because he needs it at the moment and I still get stares and it happened more often because I'm from SoCal so people are much chiller here but I went to Florida and people were giving me stairs. I felt kind of in danger.

so yeah that is the societal norm that I hope reverses and just becomes normal to just breastfeed in public amen that's such that's so good because imagine like the cavemen being like whoa can you not pull your tit out when you're feeding a child like it really is crazy that it got to that point that it became inappropriate to feed your fucking child that keeps the world afloat yeah i mean it's it's crazy you know i mean i i i like first of all it's very rare that you would see somebody breastfeeding in public where like the fucking like they like just have their full tit out the fact that people still care i i really feel like that's tied up in a lot of other shit religious shit um sex and misogyny yeah all that and it's crazy it's so crazy especially because

that all the health trends have been that it's healthier to breastfeed your child. So what you're doing is you're saying, hey, let me make it more awkward for you to give your child a healthy life. Not to mention like our obsession with fucking breasts as this, this thing that needs to be covered up all the time is dumb in itself anyway. It's all just tied up in 100% societal norms that need to be broken. Also, it's like, oh, you're not going to feed your starving child because, you know, some man named Jerry that you don't know feels weird about it i don't give a fuck about you jerry my

kid is thirsty yeah i mean i get and and like obviously uh i mean maybe there there needs to be like a certain amount of discretion on instagram but like sometimes they like they shut down uh accounts for like barely nudity and it's just it's crazy how much we have to we have to to these fucking people who just have tons of hangups that have no benefit for society. But it's also true, like, when she said she feels unsafe, like, yeah, it also is like, are you making this weird? Is this weird? Like, I just want to take care of my child.

Well, yeah, because honestly, those people have tied it up into one of their litany of things that they decide is like a bad evolution in society, you know? That this is another, you know, this is another, you know, liberal evolution that we're against. So when she says unsafe, it doesn't surprise me because I'm fucking conservative, religious asshole is probably looking at her with disdain, disdain. Because they've decided that this is, this is, they've almost decided that this is a statement. Like, this is the thing that's breastfeeding is not a fucking statement. It's just a way to feed your kid. No, I know.

And it's like, if you actually think about. about the lifestyle, yeah, you ideally would like to do it in the privacy of your home because it's peaceful. But then you have to live your fucking day. You have to go get, you have to make money. You have to live a day where you're going to be in public and you have to do it. And it's like, whenever I see a woman breastfeeding, I'm like, go off. You are like a superhero. Like you're created life. I've really gotten used to it. You know, when it first started, obviously, like it took me a bit of getting used to just because I wasn't used to it. But was it not a thing before when you said it first started like no one did it was definitely not a thing

it was absolutely not a thing that has been an evolution that's happened in my lifetime people being more comfortable slash being told it's okay to breastfeed in public you know like it's that that has changed in my lifetime you know which is great but obviously there are places where people are more comfortable doing it than others which is well articulated by our dialer I actually think that that would be a great way to open a show to just literally walk out with your baby on the boob yeah

pregnancy's been done but the breastfeeding walkout hasn't been done yet so something and also people like desexualized moms afterwards like oh you like you have to get a mommy makeover because your boobs you know they're sagging now or whatever so it's like let them fucking fling their boobs around if you're going to de-sexualize it

then let's stay with that that they're milkers and leave it alone. Well, listen, this is a society that, like, fell apart because Janet Jackson's boob came out for a half a second. Like, it's ridiculous. And that's... And then blamed her. All...

But it's not distinctly American, but that was a bigger deal in America than it would have been in, you know... In Paris, they were like, oh, yeah. So all that stuff is tied up in some, like, it's all religious, like, in fairness, like, let's call a spade a spade. A lot of this shit. is religion and control of women. Let's say no kid is in therapy because of Janet Jackson's 0.5 blur of a nipple

in the Super Bowl. So we're all for normalizing the breastfeeding and great, great societal norm. I'd be curious what you think about this one, actually. Okay, so one social etiquette thing that I really hate is saying good mornings to my coworkers every morning because they're always just like oh my god good morning like how are you and I'm just like literally every day is the same why do we need to go through this small talk every morning like it is 8 a.m I'm tired I'm probably a little bit hungover like I don't want to be doing this like it just needs to end I actually when I was in a nine to five

it is very like community like you walk in everyone's like happy wednesday and you're like how are you morning and it's kind of just like a part of the flow i just know when i was at the university of wisconsin at like seven a m you'd be like walking around in the city and someone would be like good morning how are you and you're like it's seven a m it's dark outside you do not have to acknowledge that we're awake right now so there's there's definitely levels to it i can consider I like small talk actually I will always be a king of small talk I will always defend small talk so here's what I think about the more the good mornings at work you got to think of it like stretching before a workout it's actually it's like warming up all parts of your your your

social muscles right so the good mornings is just everybody just like getting ready for a day of communication. So actually, even though stretching can be annoying, if you don't stretch, you can pull a muscle

and you don't want to end up, not warmed up in your communication, so it's better to have the warm-up so that you can better attack the day,

the work day. I love that. I love that. Also, when you go in, if you say good morning to the person like across from you, you then don't have

to speak to them for hours, but you've acknowledged them, so it's socially okay. But if you sat there and ignored them, then it gets weird. So when you just take a morning, you're like, I know you're here, and now let's do our own thing. Yeah.

Let's put it this way. Saying good morning says a lot less than silence through the whole floor. That's stressful. Has everybody good mornings you, and you're like, fucking, you know, eyes on the prize. Everyone's like, what the fuck is wrong with Sarah today? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. I have a really good work etiquette that I hate.

Okay, hit it, hit me. And this is a little vulgar. All right. People not feeling comfortable pooping in bathrooms. When am I supposed to poop and where? If I have coffee at 10.30 and I feel it coming on, I'm going to the bathroom and I'm pooping. When I'm there, am I going to possibly wait for someone to leave? Yes.

Am I going to flush while I do it so people can hear it? Yes. Or if I'm really close to you, am I going to go, I have to go shit myself? Yes. But there's some people that go, you could poop in a public restroom. I'm like, that's what they're for.

What am I to wait till 7 p.m. when I'm home. I let it lose. I let it fly. What are bathrooms for if not to poop in? Listen, there's no comedian in existence that hasn't got comfortable with pooping in public toilets.

There's just no way that you can wait for a perfect bathroom situation at every shitty venue. And the problem is people know it's you because they'll see your feet. This is a small office. Everyone goes to the same bathroom. They know it's you.

I say it's bonding to be open about your poop schedule. Look person next to you. It's about that time. Come back. Say, wow, I feel lighter. Stop fighting this natural thing in your body. And be proud of your poops. Be proud of having a healthy digestive system.

Because the people who are constipated, that's not fun. Poop poop pride. I mean, do you really think it's as much of people like not pooping at work? I mean, this is speaking from as a woman, a lot of girls have poop anxiety or I can't poop in the office, I can't poop during the day. It's like, you know, when you go on vacation

and you're stressed, you can't poop, that's what some people feel in the office or like at a restaurant. Because I'll be like, I'll have to go poop and they're like, you're pooping in a public restroom? I'm like, yes, bitch. I'd rather poop there than poop in my own beautiful house.

Listen, they all need to live in China for a while. They'll get real comfortable with American public toys. Wait, let's, literally, I remember I went direct from China to Melbourne to do a show, and I remember going into the bantam and just being like, man, this smells amazing. So you get real comfortable after living in China. All right, let's just do one more. Actually, I want to talk about this, and then we'll call it a day. And I'm going to, I'll play out some other ones, but this is funny.

Hi, Hannah. hi-des, a piece of sort of social etiquette that I've been struggling with recently is having to pretend to mourn the loss of other people's pets, specifically pets that I've never met before. Frankly, I just don't care. I don't know Coco. I never met Coco. The only thing I've ever heard about Coco is that she's been on her deathbed for like a while now. and of course

I'm so sorry for your loss losing a pet tragic terrible devastating I'm so sorry but I don't want to pretend like I care because I just don't I'm so sorry and I don't want to dress in black and mourn for three weeks like a 17th century widow

I just I can't do it I try I really try but oh my God is it hard okay des is sobbing laughing i know it's annoying just because we're technically challenged uh while i'm away like just the way that that that played out i just no she needs to do stand-up comedy

that was fucking hilarious that's a fucking bit man like a 17th century widow she dropped cocoa i was done when she said dressed in black for three weeks done dead this is this is the thing um i do i do agree I'm obviously like sometimes I feel like when people lose animals it's like really bad like it's like worse than like an uncle I would say um I mean for some pets like for some pets at different times in people's lives I would never diminish um the path the the the grief of somebody that loses a pet but I also would never diminish um somebody who's just not able to like care as much as some people want because it is personal like it is personal um but some people

definitely sort of make it more than it is well yeah that's the thing it is personal there was a very funny episode of vanderpump rules pre-scandival where raquel rachel had um a funeral for her dog and everyone like had to go but that's very reality tv where it's funny and people like they were like do we have to be here and then some people like love the outfits and it was like a whole thing um i think that was kind of funny and just a chance for people to get fucked up but it's true it's personal you don't have to get other people involved in it it's more like hey how are you doing good morning welcome to the office yeah my cat just died i'm a little down that sucks i'm so sorry but my advice to anyone whose pet passes away this is going to sound

like a little cold-hearted get another pet get another pet unless unless if it was like really difficult like you travel a lot and you had a dog and it was a pain in the ass then take a break actually Heseltine and girls got to eat had a devastating this dog

Dewey passed away rest in peace and I was like please just like foster I'm telling you like when a pet passes away it's like it gives an opportunity to save another animal and she was like I'm not ready I'm not ready two months later she fosters a dog within five days. She's like, this is my dog. I'm adopted this dog. I love this dog.

And she was so happy. So I always say an animal passes away to give another animal an opportunity for love. Yeah. I always say an animal passes away so you can have a new name to use as your password on the internet. And I, but but also I want, can I just say that I, I dated, I dated a woman once who told me she understood the grief of losing a parent because she had lost her dog and I said

it's not really the same she was like well it is because this dog was like all I had for like a long time and I was like okay I mean I understand that losing a pet helps you to understand

Did you come out of your dog's vagina Did your dog carry you for nine months and then breastfeed you in public? Yeah Do you blame your dog for numerous personality traits that have been negative in your life? Has your dog caused you to go to therapy? Yeah. Did your dog send you to boarding school at 14 years old night?

But anyway. Did your dog pressure you to be a tennis player? Also, did your dog feed you and wipe your ass and clean up your shit? Yeah, that's wild behavior. I mean... Yeah. Did your dog fucking, you know, put a bandit on your boo-boo when you were five? Did your dog kiss your boo-boo better?

Did your dog wake you up for school every single day and then you ignore them and then you had a time-out? Did your dog give you time-outs? Did your dog put you in the dog house? Oh, circular motion. So anyway, I think that losing a pet is real grief. But I really think that this was an incredible message. It was incredible. But also, like, with my dad, you cannot even bring up Trixie.

Like, if you even bring up our first cat Trixie, like, he walks out of the room. Like, he's upset for, like, 20 minutes. You cannot bring up Trixie. And I know that when Clyde passes away, it's going to be a whole thing. He, like, has a little story. Honestly, it's devastating. But I feel like it's easier for people to be sad about pets, where sometimes with people, you almost, it's too hard to handle.

So you just kind of, like, push it real down where you could be just like, I miss Trix. Yeah, but I will say, as I always like to point out, is we have more empathy. We have more humanity for dogs in their suffering that we will euthanize them than we do for her own people. Oh, wow. Getting political. So that's something we should, hopefully by the time we're there, euthanasia will not be so taboo.

you're so dark this is literally about dead pets most pets die through euthanasia yes you know I just want to put it out there that I'm that I'm pro euthanasia there will be a time

listen I've seen the very end it's very overrated there's no need for those last couple of days but anyway we'll talk about that in another episode yeah our next episode is going to be about euthanasia yeah send us your new euthanasia stories

why does euthanasia sound like a place that like influencers go um for vacation yeah it's a resort in bali so we go there and we like we all look ripped and we talk about our spirituality while we do cocaine at night anyway well this episode i feel like we really hit our stride um thank you guys so much for listening to burn our phone my little dialers leave us a review tell your friends make sure you subscribe. We are so excited about this pod and the community is you guys are just everything.

Thank you for sending the messages. Des, any shows coming up you want to promote? Well, I mean, I'm in Tempe in January. Oh, and you know what? I'm in Aruba in late November, early December. Oh, yeah. I don't get a split of the door, but, you know, if anyone... I'm going to stop by to support.

I might have to go to Aruba. You're not doing the show. Yeah, you're coming. But you're not doing the show, though. Don't give a false advertisement, right? True. I'm not, yeah. So, but anyway, if you're thinking about going to Aruba at that time, just keep in mind that

Aruba Ray's Comedy Club. And then I'm in Tempe, the first weekend of January. The week after that, I'm in, I'm in Vegas and about to add some dates. Actually, I think I'm going to continue to add dates into West Coast, and then I'm joining you for those ski shows. Well, yeah, we have some shows that we're doing together. And I don't always say it. It looks like it's not burner phone shows, but I'm just going to.

Well, yeah. So he's going to be at my show in Orlando coming up and Atlanta and New Orleans. There's a couple tickets left to those locations. A couple of tickets left. And there's also a couple tickets left for me in Milwaukee. And then I just announced Charlotte and Raleigh, Raleigh, Raleigh, Rail. And Reno, Aspen, Denver, and West Virginia, Charlestown. Let's go.

Let's go, yo. Hannahburner.com slash shows. We love you guys so much. and we'll dial in later. Later, hanging up. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Des. I'm really loving the podcast.

A societal tradition that I hate is when your friends or family start having babies and all of a sudden there's a gender reveal party and there's a baby show. shower and then when the baby's born there's a meet the baby party and i love babies and i love kids um but i hate that there's this expectation to have all of these parties and i don't know your baby yet i know you i need time to get to know this new human and yeah it's just it's just crazy Hi Hannah. Hi, Des. I'm from Oklahoma where we do have air conditioning and where there's no such thing as I see. It's just sweet or unsweet. But to answer the question, one thing that I do not like is I do not like being called ma'am as a 33 year old. And I don't like it because I feel like anytime I am being called ma'am, it's by someone in their mid to late 20s where they're really not that much younger than me. And it just makes me feel old. I understand that it's respectful. but I kind of compare it to I work in health care, and I used to always get corrected by men,

them saying, I know that you're being polite, but please don't call me Mr. It makes me feel older than I am. Just call me by my first name, which I understand that. But thank you. I love the pod. Bye. Hi, doesn't Hannah. Love you guys so much.

I just saw your show in San Francisco. So fucking good. but I'm calling about the societal etiquettes and traditions that I don't like. So I just think it's annoying when people say, you're welcome after someone says thank you. There's definitely like times when that's fine, but especially in hospitality, so I'm a hostess. I've worked in plenty of different restaurants and I'm throwing out thank you's left and right, you know? And usually people respond with, thanks so much. Like, I'm like, thank you.

Have a good night. And they're like, thanks so much. Have a good night. But there are those few stupid fucks that respond with, you're welcome and then leave the restaurant. Like, you're welcome for what? Like, literally, what did you do for me as a fucking hostess for you to say you're welcome and then just leave the restaurant? I think it's so dumb. But.

Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, Des. I just wanted to complain about the societal expectations. that women need to sit and keep their knees together. Meanwhile, the man spreading has just gotten out of control, especially on planes. I don't want to sit like a lady. I want to let my coochie breathe. I want to sit spread eagle. And don't be giving me no crap about, you know, men needing room for their dangling appendages. It's just they're never that big. It's not that big of a deal. Just close your legs or let us open ours.

Hey,