Berner Phone - Berner Phone #120: Controversial Takes Pt. 2

Episode Date: December 9, 2025

The dialers had so many good hot takes that we had to do a second episode. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hola, miss Pekenos, Dilaros. What? What did you call them the first time? Pekenos dailaros. Oh, okay.

We are in Mexico. Yes. I know you're like, Hannah, you went on vacation? Yes, it is only three days. I left from Kansas City and said, I'm going to go to Mexico with Des for a couple days. And can we just say that this is, without doubt, the nicest setting we have ever recorded Burnaphone in. And Des wanted a little bit of the waves in the background just to give the energy that we're all on vacation together. Yeah, I don't know if you can hear the waves, but we are sitting outside.

This is one of our rare outside recordings. I feel like the waves are either going to make it amazing or actually ruin the podcast, but we'll see. I honestly, I really don't think they can hear them. But needless to say, for the dialers, whether you can hear it or not, they are a presence in our life, calming us. And waves are like life.

They ebb and flow, and they, at the end of the day, they always wave. Wow, Hannah. I really was, I had high hopes for that. Mel Robbins. Merrill Monroe. But yes, A gorgeous setting here.

Wonderful vacation for mom and dad. Mom and dad need a vacation. A rare vacation. I did get some messages when you were really sick that one time, though, where they were like, tell Desi doesn't have to record if he's sick and dying. I'm like, well, then he would never record. And they were definitely Gen Z's that message that. Because the Gen Xers, they show up, man.

They show up regardless. You know? Oh, God. Well, I'm not saying that's healthy. I'm just saying that it's ingrained in me. I did, Liz Plank, some of my friends, has a podcast. Yeah. Interesting.

Well, I actually was a fan of hers back in the day and I approached her at a coffee shop and I was like, I love your work. But fast forward, I've done her podcast. But she was talking about like pre-COVID, like 2017. Okay. A lot of us were in our early 20s and had like the worst paying jobs in the city. Like I'm talking 35 to 40K a year. in New York City. Okay.

And then unlimited vacation days was like a real trend, which meant you have no vacation days. Right, because you're afraid to take them. Yeah, you had to look at your boss and be like, can I take days off? And it was all these startups that like if you left, like the company would fall apart. Yes. But you're getting paid 30K so you're like you don't know what to do. But now after COVID it's like if you have a little sniffle apparently, like you don't go to where. Like there's all these.

Not that it's like people are going to get sick of a crazy disease, but more it's just the office is not as important. Like, 2017 was like a crazy specific time in New York City and probably other cities as well. And it was just this millennial girl boss culture. Were you familiar with the girl boss culture? Not really. It's like when women, like the CEO of Nastygal, Sophia Amorosa, like all these girls started become like multi-millionaires for the first time. And they were just like, you got to grind. just got to wake up and grind.

And that's the way to beat the patriarchy. And everyone was just working for like 30s. They were all like the nanny. By the way, the nanny was such a good show. Yeah. Paige was the nanny for Halloween last year. Really? Really?

It was really good, yeah. Yes. Flushing queens represent. I feel like my nana is the nanny and no one talks about it. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't think she has as strong of an accent.

You know? I mean, my nana has a little. crazy strong accent. She's just a little more soft-spoken. Yeah, she's more gentle. But she puts it on, let's be honest. You think so? She's from Brooklyn originally, or Queens. She's from Brooklyn. Yeah, I don't

think she's putting it on. No, no, she doesn't put it on. She doesn't put on the soft-spoken. Like, she can make herself sound more soft-spoken, but then she could be like, Johnny! Yeah. She'd be like, hi, my name is Vera Delio. Johnny, get the camera.

I'm embracing my New York accent for rest of my life. I'm not living in shame for the fact that, you know, I have a regional accent that can say where I'm from. No, Nana has the most beautiful Brooklyn accent. They don't make them like her anymore. Shout out Nana. I know you're listening, or you are listening and you can't hear either or. Society shamed us out of having strong regional accents. It's actually disgusting. No? No, I mean, I, the regional accent's part of culture. It's like you're losing culture. Culture's dying. A hundred percent. It's the homogenization of culture. It's one of the great ills of modern society. But you know, it sucks. I'm part of it. I'm a Brooklyn kid without an accent.

What happened, man? Who shamed your accent out of you? No, I never really, it was, it was park slope. It was where I was educated. It was just, it was very diverse, so it wasn't like all the same accent. Yeah, except that your father has a New York accent and Colin Quinn has a New York accent. Yeah, but they're a generation behind me. It got washed out. But I mean, I could talk like I'm from Brooklyn. Yeah, but that doesn't even sound real. I know. Do you think you could do like an authentic New York accent? Let me hear it.

Let's hear it. Come on. What do you want me to say? Say whatever you want. So you're looking at the ocean. I'm looking at the ocean and I'm walking my dog and... What's with the dog? The dog is hilarious.

That's a little Long Island. The dog. I went to Bagel boss with my dog. Let me see if I can do it without thinking. I'm not going to try to put one on. I want to see how I say dog without thinking. Well, I just said it there actually. You said dog.

Dog. Dog. Dog. Brooklyn accent is a little... Like, you're not, like, hitting everything hard. It's very, like, smooth like this. Like, it's, you talk like this. This is Brooklyn.

Like, that's Brooklyn. You talk like this. Say C-A-R. Car. Car. You see, you still... You have a lot of R on there. Car.

Car. Well, Brooklyn... Ca... You... Long Island is more like Caugh. Where Brooklyn's more like car. I don't... I think Brooklyn, the original Brooklyn is more like

car. Call. Yeah. Like Bernie Sanders. Nobody can afford a car in America How do you differentiate? How are you going to afford your payments and live from day to day?

Because Bernie has like a really like OG. Yeah. How do you differentiate Brooklyn from Queens? How do I differentiate Brooklyn from Queens? The buses say Q and Queens and they say B in Brooklyn. That's how I differentiate. That's my Bernie. Health and John's.

That's my Bernie. I love you, Bernie. Well, listen, you know, Brooklyn has a bit more historical buildings. you know. Look, Brooklyn is... Come on, let's not... The dialers, do they need to know this much this much local comedy?

Local dialect. Very local. So listen, we're out... We have so many from last week. If we haven't lost you by now, welcome to the pod. No, but, you know, last week we were doing, you know, things that people love that you hate.

Oh, I love it. And, you know, Chris, correctly, played out a couple. But there was a few that actually, we never got to last week, that got played out that I wanted your opinion on. So first, let's start with this one because this is very close to your heart.

apologies to the dialers that listened to the end last week, but you've heard this one, but now we're going to respond to it. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. My name is Kate, and I hate pickles. Everybody loves them. My server, people want to tell me about pickle beers and picklebacks and pickle-flavored chips, and I'm like, literally get that away from me. Don't talk about them. I want nothing to do with them. I will send my food back if it touches it. It's a very polarizing topic.

But that just leaves more for the rest of you, disgusting people who actually enjoy them. Thank you. Love you guys. Bye. So, like most of these, in fairness, they're coming for you. No, this is the thing. You're a pickle person. I totally understand that people don't like pickles.

Like, it's, in theory, like, I hate cucumbers. Interesting. It's basically a sour cucumber. But this is the thing. I love pickles, and I think it's, like, my annoying, like, I'm quirky. I like pickles. I'm so quirky. Because, like, it is crazy to like pickles, but I do have to say, I think the healthiest relationships involve someone who doesn't like pickles and someone who does like pickles because you go to a diner, you get a sandwich, they give the pickle, and then it's so romantic because Des doesn't like pickles.

No, excuse me, I actually, I do like pickles. I just don't like them any way near as much as you do. Oh, that's even more romantic. No, but in the sense that, like, more often than not, I just don't need the pickle. Like, I don't, here's the thing about, I don't not like pickles. I just don't think they're as good of an accompaniment as New York diners and delis make out. Oh my God, after eating, like, you know, meat with mayo and tomatoes and bread, having a sharp, sour, crispy pickle, just, it's a, it's a Genesequois, it's a palate cleanser. Yeah.

I mean, listen, I enjoy a pickle every now and then. That's all I can say. But definitely not. I'm just like, I had a beer, a pickle beer, I fucking loved it. A pickle beer? I fucking loved it. So it's a fermented, like it's a beer made from pickles? No, I think it's beer with pickle juice in it.

Wow. But it's like, you know, beer's kind of like sweet. It adds this saltiness to it, the sourness. It almost is like... Isn't pickle juice what they give people if they're like supremely dehydrated when they're like running a marathon? Isn't that a thing? It's possible because of the sodium.

The sodium, yeah. But I also, if you're having a panic attack, if you have a really sourness, not like there's just sour pickles lying around. But if you are having a panic and you have like a sour candy with you, like you keep it in your bag, it helps you come back to the present moment because you're like really aware of your current senses. That's the most, a Jewish panic attack. It's like, I'm having a panic.

I need a pickle. Where is my pickle? Where is my epi pickle? Why am I in the Midwest? Why did I choose to have a panic attack when I'm in the Midwest? I need to be in the Lower East Side when I have a Piquel. panic attack. I can't open this jaw.

I'm having a panic attack. Someone open the jaw for me. Did you hear me say EpiPickle? That was very funny. Dude, that was funny. I did not hear it. I knew you missed it. I said, you don't listen when I talked.

No, it's no, because we were going back on, I missed the epi pickle. I said Epi pickle. It was very funny. Very funny. Thank you. That's a sketch. Thank you. You could do a sketch.

That was very funny. Thank you. Thank you for. I wanted credit where credit is due. No, 100%. I got what was due. We were back and forth. Chris, rewind it to when he ignored me.

No, I didn't. Rewind it to when he ignored me just so everyone can remember. Okay. I didn't ignore you. Let's try listening to women. I didn't hear it. Let's listen to women. There was a heavy wave at that moment.

No, we post giggly squat clips and I rewatched them. Didn't hear anything Paige said during it. Like, we don't even respond to each other's words. Because you're thinking of the next room. Because you're thinking of the next thing is totally natural. It's not ignorant. Yeah, I just thought, you know. Maybe we should start an EpiPickle.

Yeah, we'll start that. EpiPickle, that's a sketch, man. Yeah. EpiPickle also a good name of a show. EpiPickle, you know? It's not a bad name of a special. Yeah, epi pickle sounds like what an anxious guy calls his dick. Okay.

It's what a hypochondriac calls his dick. By the way, I'm sorry. I'm sweating, you guys. I am sweating. You wanted to be in the sun. I specifically said I could move the umbrella. No, this is good. You guys, I'm so pale. And I'm not one of those people that when I'm pale, they're like, she looks porcelain. She's stunning. It like exposes all of my flaws. So we need to get a tan in.

Okay. I just, I'm a little worried that you're going to get burned. Do you guys want to know something messed up? What? Does is Irish and he tans like better than me. Yeah. I have a sallow, I have like a sallow skin. But I'm also in my adult. my proper adulthood, I have become way more like son paranoid than you. And you know, you're going to get burnt today and your mom's going to blame me.

I'm wearing sunscreen, mom. I know you're listening. Did you put it on your whole body? I put it on my whole body. Did you? Yeah. Okay. 50 SPF.

So there was one other one. Okay. So this played out last week too, but I want to hear your reaction to it. Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, Des. So something everyone loves that I hate is. babies and honestly kids too like I don't want to hold your baby I don't want to pretend I'm excited that it weighs exactly seven pounds three ounces like that means something to me if you

hand me your child I'm holding it like a hot plate waiting for someone to take it back and kids in general no I'm glad you love yours I'm really glad for you but I don't need to see daily photo dumps of your toddler eating yogurt like a feral raccoon everyone's always like look how cute and I'm like I think your kid just sneezed into its own mouth. So yeah, baby kids, and it's just a hard pass for me. I mean, I'll love my own, obviously. I mean, it'll probably still be annoying.

But just, like, no, no, thank you. She's really funny. Very funny. That was very funny. Sneeze into his own mouth. It got played out last week, so I, but I was curious of your own opinion these days. Well, I do think something about photos of kids,

it's so contextual that, like, everyone's like, do you want to see the cutest kid ever? and then you see you're just like, that's a kid. Where, like, I'm like that with my niece and nephew, but it's because I know their personalities, I know how they speak. I know what they were doing during that moment. So when I show them a photo.

Like, yeah, it's funny to see a kid with, like, food all over their face, but, like, not really. Yeah, I'm going to say something controversial here. Okay. I hate when your friends, they have kids, which I don't hate that part, and I love their kids. But then their social media just becomes their children for like eternity.

Yeah. Like you never really see what they're doing anymore. It's just their kids. Yeah. I don't like that. And I appreciate that some people might think that's a bit harsh, but it's just, I don't know. I feel like nobody is as interested in your children as you think they are.

But I think it's great that you care and that probably the grandparents care. Maybe the uncles and the aunts care. But other than that, nobody cares. I feel like pre- Instagram, Christmas cards were like the thing where everyone came and you better have your family looking cute as fuck and all lined up in a row.

Season's greetings. Season's greetings. Let's see how, oh, they've grown. But once a year is fine. Because once a year it's like, oh wow, they've grown a lot. Or look at the zits on that kid's face now. Yeah, yeah. Oh, someone need a braces.

Yeah, he's more like the mother. He's more like the father. That's fine. Once a year. Give us time to build up enough change that it's actually entertaining. Well, yeah, when they're feeling, feed becomes like just a photo of the kid.

Yeah. But then also if some of my friends like have followers and stuff, then it's just like, okay, you're just trying to get likes. I'll tell you when it really, sorry, go ahead. No, yeah. I was done. I'll tell you when it really bugs you as you get older. And, you know, you suddenly, you remember somebody or something.

I'm like, I wonder what they're doing. And then you go to their Instagram or their Facebook. And it's just their kids. And you're like, yo, I want to see how you aged. Come on. Let's fucking. Yeah, where's the hair line? Let's see it.

Where's the hair line? Yeah, I don't need to see the fucking sled with the kid. Like, let's see you. I want to know what you look like today. You know? Yeah, it used to just be scrapbooks. You know, your parents would take a shit ton of photos of you and then just put in a scrapbook and then you'd know of no idea where the scrapbook went.

And then, like, 20 years later, you're like, oh, that Christmas in 2002 was cute. We have all the scrapbooks, actually. But, yeah, it is true that if you don't know the kid or have a connection to a kid, sometimes can hit differently. I personally, I just say I love kids. Yeah, you're good with kids, but you still have the thing. You still, you treat a kid like an audience. Like, you want to give the best performance possible

every time you're with kids. Well, there's like this pureness to them, and I feel like having a good interaction with me, like, helps them. You know, they had a good day, you know? Or is it that you want everyone to think, like, wow, she's the best kid performer of all time? And you want the kids to be like, Aunt Hannah is, like, We all love Hannah the most.

But even a random kid, I love when they make eye contact with me an elevator and I'm a stranger. And I give them a little smile. And they smile back. And they smile back. And that's it. And it's good. And they realize, you know what? The world isn't that scary.

Yes. But also, if I offer you candy, don't come. Like, I don't want to be too friendly. Right. I don't want them too trusting. Yes. But I love, you know, a kid might, like, you know, embarrass themselves in front of you, like, they trip or something and you smile and you say, it's okay.

Like, this is a little ways, like, you can affect them so. What's going to be your life? line when the kid like hits his head or you know the you know just like something accidental happens that's clearly like I'm calling 911 want no what's going to be you know the way parents always have a thing I think what I read was you're supposed to acknowledge it well like first you make sure like if they don't respond then it's like you don't have to make it a thing but if they start crying be like oh that really hurt right like acknowledge you know that's the thing you acknowledge you don't say that didn't hurt you're fine you're fine you're fine you're fine most people I know and just like you're good that's

fine. It's all right. You got a fright. You're not supposed to do that because it's invalidating their emotions. Yeah. And what has validating everybody's emotions done for the recent generations? I'm just curious. I did. I don't know why I'm in like a mother algorithm because you guys, I'm not pregnant, but I hit all this mothering advice. By the way, I'm not saying we shouldn't validate emotions. I'm just saying like, I'm just not seeing the benefits. No, I think Instagram knows I'm like 34 and a woman who's married and they're like she should have a child so they send me stuff what was interesting is they were like in tell it instead of telling them that tell kids stories of adversity that they overcame or you overcame they said that's like really good for their

mental health to be like this went wrong and then you solved it instead of like everything's perfect everything's perfect to like talk about that to them when it happens in real life they're like they're looking towards that kind of stuff um I'm interested in those little like psychological things that you can do. They even said that instead of asking them questions that are right or wrong answers, where kids become like, like, what color is that? Instead, ask them to just kind of like freely talk about something.

So it's a little less like them thinking, them having anxiety and instead being free to talking. Also, this is everything. But here's the crazy thing is that they all have more anxiety now, the kids. So like, what are? This is newer stuff. Oh, this is newer stuff.

This is newer stuff based on, I think, the last generation, the adversity part. Also, they said that parents looking at, like, okay, let's say your kids aren't looking at phones. As a parent, if you look at your phone, it gives the kid the same feeling of you leaving the room. Wow. So they feel like you left them. They did studies on that, or is that just an assumption? That was on Instagram somewhere. Which actually freaked me out because I'm like, I'm fine.

You don't have to look at your phone, but I'm not fucking putting out my phone. Yeah, like the phone pays the bills, honey. has to work. Yeah, the phone pays the bills, honey. But it feels like you left them. Put the square through the plastic. Mommy's busy. You know what, so what you might have to do is get those like meta sunglasses where you can just like scroll online and they can't tell. Yeah. That's a great idea. If we have kids, what's going to be the age where you let them have a smartphone? You know, in Australia, they're making it illegal under 16. I was going to say 18. Yeah, great. All right, let's get into some fresh ones here. There's going to be so many rehabs. Before we get bogged down,

and further amounts of stuff we have no idea what we're talking about. There's going to be rehabs for, you know, screens very soon. Oh, 100%. I believe in it. All right. This is interesting. Hi, mom and dad. Love the pod.

Big giggler over here. So my thing is mushrooms. And like I'm not talking about like mushrooms as in like shrooms. Like, no, we don't do that. But like, I mean, and no. judgment, but like I'm talking about like the mushy of fungus that literally grows from the ground. And how do we know which ones are the good ones and which ones aren't? Um, because, yeah, and they're just so mushy and disgusting. Like, best believe that there's a dish with mushrooms

in it is the only thing on the plate I'm not eating. Yeah. Anyway, love you guys. Bye. Yeah, mushrooms are an interesting one. Yeah, I do have to say if mushrooms are done wrong where they're rubbery or like chewy in a way, like it can really throw you. But when mushrooms are done right, they're amazing. But then I think about it, even when they're amazing, I'm not eating all of them. Yeah, see, I like mushrooms because I like the texture, but I can 100% understand how some people would not like the texture.

Yeah. And I think when I was younger, I didn't like the texture, but the texture has grown on me. Yeah, yeah. Like olives. Yeah, I've grown to love mushrooms, but I completely understand. And, like, at times they do feel kind of pointless. Like a big portobello. I'm like, I'm eating a tongue.

Yeah. Sometimes they do feel pointless, I must say. But you can accessorize it well with a certain cream or a certain... Yeah, honestly, here, mushroom needs a stylist. That's basically... But I hate when people are like, it's really good if you just, like, fry them. It's like, yeah, anything's good if you fry them. Except mushrooms actually, I don't like fried mushrooms.

Really? I've, well, I mean, I would like it, but I wouldn't order it. Basically, I've just had a realization. What? A chef is just a stylist for food. Do you know what I mean? Like, because people can look terrible or fucking great, depending on what the stylist picks. And like, so much food.

The mushroom is like, oh my God, this stylus is doesn't get me. It's just seasoning, man. Seasoning is just styling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You dress it in different things. Yeah.

What do you think is, what's a, food that actually is better if you just don't do anything to it. And that's a tough question, I know. No, that's a really, really good question. Like, what's a food that's like, hey, don't fuck with it? It's perfect. I can't think of one, really. I mean, I think of like, no, I keep on thinking of different, um, because something,

I like a little lime. I like a little salt and pepper. Yeah. It's hard to, that's a hard. Interesting question. Hey, hit us up in the Spotify comments. Hit us up, Spotify. you think about that.

But honestly, for me, because it's fruit, which is not what I meant. But a perfectly ripe, sweet peach is kind of like, it's like, I think it's the perfect fruit. If you grill it, it could be good. I've only ever had, like... Also, like, a good apple. Like, don't fuck with the apple. Oh, yeah.

No, but I wasn't really talking about fruit. I feel like that's a cheat. I was actually thinking about, like... Vegetables? Some vegetables, yeah. Corn? No, you put butter on it. No, you need butter on that.

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So right now, baked by Melissa is offering our listeners 20% off your order at bakedbymelissa.com. That's baked by Melissa.com slash burn for 20% off your order. Baked by Melissa.com slash burn. All right, this is a big statement here. Hi, mom and dad. One thing that I absolutely hate that everybody else seems to love is Thanksgiving. I think it is, for one, I'm Native American, so I don't really believe in it.

But also, I don't understand the food. I think the food is boring or just kind of disgusting. A green bean casserole, it's like somebody puked and put it in a dish and then put it on the table. And to talk about that, everybody brings different dishes and it's potluck style and it's gross. and, you know, like, little boogery kids sticking their hands and everything. And, you know, like, the old people not washing their hands. And then don't get me started on the host, you know, complaining about having to set it up or after cleaning, you know.

It's just a hot mess. Like, let's just stop doing it. It's interesting. It went from hating Thanksgiving to hating all family gatherings. Now, I have to say, I'm 100% with you. Thanksgiving. Hey, I love hating. Thanksgiving, but I do like a green bean casserole, so I'm going to have to...

Well, you like stews. Like, you like soft, same flavor things. Yeah, my mother in fairness to her made a great green bean casserole. But I... What's in a green bean casserole? Green beans. And then, you know, it's like baked with like some... No, it's...

Chicken broth. No, it's not like a stew. It's a baked... Yeah, but there's just like crap in it that you don't know how they got there. I always loved it. But anyway, let's not going to... I got hung up on the green bean cassero. I mean, it is the worst holiday.

It's a, honestly, after living in Ireland for all those years, I just almost want to refuse letting Thanksgiving back into my life. It's too close to, like, the main holidays. You're basically doing it twice. Also, like, the historic fallacies of it. Yeah, she's Native American, so, like, let's call that out. There's no way it's going to taste good, knowing the realization of the holiday. It's just so stupid.

I also, Turkey's not good. Also, like, we could save so many Turkey's lives. honestly man I just like I get it you know people love Thanksgiving in America but to me it's just I don't know I feel like it's pretty common for people to be like yeah unnecessary what's the point

I mean there is like three seconds of fun when like when you get your plate to be like oh my God Thanksgiving look at this buffet and then that's done yeah I have to say I do like turkey with cranberry sauce it's not the food part doesn't bother me

but what does bother me is having to do it twice. It's just insane. It kind of takes away from Christmas in a way. It does. You know? And then you get everyone back together again. It's like, oh, what's going on the last four weeks? Yeah. And like if you had an awkward altercation with your drunk uncle,

you got to see him. Yeah, all that stuff. Yeah. You know? So I'm for, well, there's two ways we can do this. Okay? We can either move Christmas to Thanksgiving time or get rid of Thanksgiving. One of the other. But one of them's got to go. in my opinion.

Yeah, you can't move Christmas because you have to have a white Christmas in December. Oh, right, yeah. There's really not as many white Christmases as you think, though. I was in Florida for shows last week, and they are playing Christmas music everywhere, and it seems like you're in, like, an opposite world because it's 80 degrees,

and they're like, have a holly, jolly Christmas, and there's Christmas trees everywhere, and I'm like, y'all are overdoing it. All right, I have an idea. dear. We need to merge Halloween and Thanksgiving to make Halloween fun for the adults too. So the kids go out and trick-a-treat and then everybody comes home and has a feast. Ooh, I like that. But look, commercialism and capitalism don't like that at all. Yeah. Because I'm just, you know, I'm just not buying the propaganda.

And the thing is, when you're a kid, you just eat it, you eat it up. You know, like engagement rings were just a diamond propaganda. Is that true? Yeah. Where'd you read that? I'm not saying it's not true. A diamond company was like, let's start advertising that like when you want to get married, you give her a diamond. Really?

Yeah. Was it De Beers? It was probably one of those, yeah. Really? And then it just caught on. Yeah, it's true. I'm not giving any correct specifics, but it's true. I looked into it during our engagement.

Really? It's literally just a made-up capitalistic thing. Wow. Yeah. Why didn't you express that before? Because I wanted a diamond. I didn't realize you, you were such a socialist until it was your time to get a ring. You know?

Well, it's so funny, I started. I was like, fuck this. Then I was like, this shit is sparkly. I remember when I told you I wanted a tiny diamond. I remember. That evolved very quickly. And then I was like, I want three diamonds. Yeah.

Anyway, that worked out. Thank God. Thank God. Because, you know, we weren't like, gave me an idea of what you wanted. No. We weren't one of these couples that, like, went and really did it together, which I prefer. But also the diamond I got, like, it's great because it's, I could wear, I could wear it working out. I could wear it to somewhere nice.

It's not like... You mean like that? It's not overly huge. Yeah, it's not gaudy. Yeah, well, because it just gets to a certain size and you're like, that's just ridiculous. Honestly, a big diamond is like the equivalent of, like, you know, wearing something so heavily branded. It's like, hey, look, I have a prada thing. Yeah. Because I like Pradeshhip, but I don't like when the label is too dominant.

Yeah, it's considered distasteful. Yeah. Actually, that's why I don't like the Louis Vuitton bags. But I could, you know, with this audience, I might get a little attacked for that. Do you like Louis Vuitton? I mean, I would love to do a partnership with them. Yeah, but like I just don't like the ones that just make it obvious what they are. Yeah, well, I think some of it's nostalgic for me for like the 2000s, like Paris Hilton holding the rainbow.

I also never bought designer bags. I don't have designer bags, really. I have like one or two vintage. You have one mu-mue. I have one mu-mue, which is a kind of Prada, by the way. It's the offset of Prada. Is that right? It's their like relatable.

Right. Prada. I mean, when it comes to bags, I'm a Prada guy. Like for girls? Yeah, they have the, they just nail it with the, you know, what it is. That's my opinion. But they're also more discreet a lot of the time. Never got me a Prada bag.

Discretion is key. Hannah, every time we try to do anything like that, you're just like, that's ridiculous. That's too expensive. So don't even act like that came from me, bro. For any of the girls who want to go to designer, thrift it.

You feel like you made money. Didn't I give you my mother's? Oh, your mom's bag, yeah. Just for the record. It's a prodig. What was I going to say here? Let's, oh, this is really, this is a biggie.

No pun intended One thing I hate that everyone else seems to love Is TMI a big penis I know you didn't say that Personally have a shallow vagina I'm a deep person but I have a shallow vagina And I don't want a big long thing in me Just like poking it stabbing it

I don't want that Okay I want a nice medium-sized penis that feels like just like a warm hug a gentle caress inside me you know and that is my thing i rest my case thanks des thanks hannah love you interesting oh my god i knew she was going to say that really yeah i i do think like when you're little everyone talks about like big dicks and then you encounter one and you're like okay i don't need to be like like lose my virginity every time we have sex. Right.

This is insane. Right. I need my insides to be torn apart every time you thrust. Sorry for getting graphic. But, you know, I think some people fetishize about it. Some people don't. But I also do think some people's body shapes are different. Yeah.

And, like, people have different types of canals. Some are longer, wider. I do think. Page has really small ear canals. The Amsterdam of human anatomy. It's different. I actually have a narrow ear canal. Yeah.

I have narrowed your, and so do my brothers. So does Paige. Really? Payne. Me and Paige are so alike. I know. You're the same person. But I know, I know some friends that are, like, obsessed with it, and I do think it's anatomical, or, like, they like pain or something.

Yeah, but also, no, but I think, too, it's, like, fetic. Like, listen, some guys, like, huge tits, some guys don't. Like, sometimes it's just a matter of taste. Some guys like a huge ass. But I do have to say, like, when there's a source. small one, sometimes it doesn't work. Yeah, well, that's the thing. It has to be, it has to be just right.

You need a Goldilocks penis. That's why boyfriend Dick became a thing. What's boyfriend Dick? Boyfriend Dick means it's perfect size. Oh, right. But like for a one night stand, you might want something a bit crazy. Yeah. Right.

The boyfriend, Dick, you're like, I can do this every night. Yes. This is perfect. Yeah, that's hilarious. That is so funny that she said that. And another thing that, you know, when your guys, you know, like when your boys growing up, it's all, like, when your boys grow up, it's all, you guys got a big dick. But what they never talk about in sex education is the showers and the growers. Which is such a thing.

It's a real thing. It's a real thing. Which I never knew. Honestly, I only learned about that in my 30s. Really? Yeah, just like, I've read something. I'm a grower. That was like a thing.

I'm a grower. Oh, right. Yeah. Well, of course, like, everybody would have smaller penis is going to say they were grower. But there's also... But have you encountered... Sorry, just out of curiosity. Yeah.

Have you encountered a shower where the difference between the sort of the flaccid and the firm is not that pronounced? Yeah, sometimes with the bigger ones, it's just big, period. Yeah, it's just big, and then when it gets hard, it's just sort of similarly big. Yeah, like, it's even bigger, but it's like, it was always big. Right. I feel like growers are when it's, like, literally tiny, and the next... you know, it's like a normal size. Right.

Then you're like, oh, okay. Yeah. But most guys are shriveled. Most guys are showers. Yeah. Growers. Growers, sorry. Most guys are growers. Growers.

It's also what people don't talk about, which is the real issue is girth. When it's too wide. Oh, too wide is a problem. Yeah. That was my cousin's joke. You would always say, like a baby arm.

It's about girth. I'm hung like a tuna can. That was his joke. Ew. That is disgusting. That is disgusting. But then also, if it's like long,

skinny, that also is not... Yeah, what's the point in that? That's... I don't... It's like an examination. But also, I don't want to shame. I don't want a body shame on this pod. Yeah, well, that is interesting because some female comics, they'd be always doing jokes

about guys' dicks, and then I'm like, interesting. Like, male comics aren't making a giant jokes all the time. But when they do, I go, oh, that's not cool, you know? When girls do it, I think it raises awareness for the situation. I've never done a joke about a narrow vagina.

Her pussy was so narrow. Anyway, interesting. Interesting thinking. I've been working on a joke about... About what? About, like, how it's not a compliment when a guy says... Your pussy's tight?

Because you're like, yeah, no, shit, I'm... I'm wound up. Like, I'm so anxious. My shoulders are up to my ears. Of course, my pussy's tight. Really? Do people express their anxiety through a tight vagina? It's just the kind of thing.

where like you're just like, you know shit. You're so tight. Sorry, I have an anxiety disorder. Yeah. Do you want to tell them about the podcasts we're listening to? Oh, you want to do that now? Just a little shout out. Little shout out.

You know, I was scrolling Instagram like literally yesterday, right before I got on the flight to come here. And the New Yorker recommended five best podcasts of the year. And they recommended Camp Swamp Road four episodes. true crime documentary from the Wall Street Journal. It's really good, you guys. Very interesting because it really gets to the heart of stand-your-ground laws, road rage,

the prevalence of guns in society. But it doesn't actually, it doesn't make any moral judgments, but it's impossible not to get the subtext of just like what's going on. Anyway, conspiracy. Fascinating. Police corruption. Brotherly, sister, brotherly love. Yeah, so Camp Swap Road.

And if you like a good Southern accent, which I get entertained by, I highly recommend. You know, you don't have to let big wireless and your overpriced phone bill suck the joy added the holidays this year. Because right now, all of Mint Mobile's unlimited plans are 50% off. You can get three, six, or 12 months of unlimited premium wireless for 15 bucks a month. It's their best deal of the year. and makes it real easy for you to give your expensive wireless bill the Scrooge Treatment.

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Because when you have a pet as precious as butter, particularly as precious as butter is to Hannah, if there's an emergency, which we did have once, and at the time we did not have insurance, you want to make sure that you can get the best care for your pet and not have to worry about how much it costs. So, let me tell you about ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program. Okay? Your pet is part of the family.

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Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. So let's do one more to finish up. This is kind of interesting.

I think it's a good... Hey guys, I know I'm a little in with this one, but one thing I feel like most people love. that I just cannot stand is not using Christmas gift lists. Like, I am not creative in the slightest. I just want to give you something that you're going to be happy with.

You're going to use. Hopefully I'm going to get my money's worth slash you're going to get my money's worth out of it. My in-laws, my husband comes from a family where lists are not a thing. You do not get a Christmas gift list. You simply are just supposed to pull out of your butt an idea for what they would like and enjoy and love, and also have a crazy, amazing reaction when you open it. I am also not a good gift opener. So basically, I am like the entire Black Cloud over all of our holiday season with my in-laws.

It's wonderful. They still love me, but can't stand it. I'm definitely a list person. Anyways, love you guys. See you next time. Okay, that is fascinating because that's just like a family cultural thing. I didn't even know you could give lists. Like, honestly?

Is it like an Excel doc that you just go into? Well, it's like a wedding list, right? Yeah, and then people like check it off. I love how she's... I think it's goddamn genius. I think it's genius. I also love how she's like, I'm fucking organized

and this family's out of control. No, because it's just guessing gifts. It's just so tough. You know it is when you're younger and you first start getting people gifts, you get them all like cheap chotchkes, but I totally get it when you're older and people want like real gifts.

You're like, I don't want to waste money on something that I'm shot in the dark. Like, I don't know what my uncle's into right now. It's, I mean, especially when... Here's another thing I'm not into. When the amount of people you're supposed to buy presents for is very broad. Narrow it right to fuck down.

Yeah, I do think, like, because it's easy when you're younger and, like, someone gives you $20. You're like, thanks, present. But what I found that now that I have a niece and nephew, I'm very specific with it. I don't just buy them shit. I go, what are they into right now? Because kids are into specific things. Yeah.

Well, in fairness, with kids, I always ask the parents. Because, like, basically... Like, Lois is like, I need mermaid stuff or I'll burn everything to the ground. Yeah, because when you have nieces and nephews, the one great thing. Well, first of all, and my mother's family, they made a decision, obviously, years ago, hey, we're not buying presents for the kids. Just a godparent buys a Christmas present for the kid. We're not doing, you know, because we're 17 grandchildren.

You know, like, we're not, we're not all buying gifts, right? But it's so funny. Families are so different, though, because then there's families where there's only, like, you know, six people. Well, yeah, because now it's like you can buy for your nephew because who the hell are you going to buy for? Like, I buy for my nephews because there's only two. Yeah, but then sometimes people are 17, so it gets insane. So, but what I will say is that I, like, with my brother, I always say, like, what should I get? Because they can just basically scratch one thing off the list for Santa.

Yep. You know? Also, Christmas shouldn't break your bank. Like, I know you want to have the best Christmas ever. But if it's causing, like, financial stress and strain, like, there's ways to have happiness that isn't involved in, like, buying a PS5 or whatever the fuck. Yeah, so here's Burn & Fron's recommendations for Christmas. Let's cut the list right down of the amount of people. that you need to buy for, okay?

Do you tell them, hey, we're not doing gifts? Yeah, it's like, hey, guys, like, let's, you know, let's just, we don't need to do gifts, right? Because then when you close the list down, then there's a smaller amount of people, then you can get a fucking good gift because, like, people do Chris Kringle and all this shit, and it's like, oh, it's a $30 limit,

it's a $50 limit. It's like, I don't need whatever the fuck you're going to get for $40. You know? It's just not like a, it's not a fun gift. So let's shrink the list. If you have to get a $40 gift for like 12 people, that adds up.

Shrink the list, right? put a list down, like she says, of the type of shit that you want, and like, let's just everybody have less gifts that they actually appreciate more. It does take some organization, though. And, like, are the grandparents going to know how to use Excel? But then it's like when you're married, like for me and you, it's like, okay, I can tell you what I want, you can tell me what you want. But we're together all the time.

There is, when it comes to the spouse, I do feel like there is something kind of fun about trying to get a fun gift. For sure. But it is a guess and you don't always nail it. Yeah. Which is fun because then you get to have you're like, really? Really? You think I want to. That's my whole mom and dad's relationship is him trying to get her a gift every year and failing.

Yeah. And it's very enjoyable because they listen so they'll appreciate this. It's very enjoyable watching him explain why he thinks it's a good gift. Your Honor. He thinks he's your honor. Here are the five reasons why I. The salesperson told me he was the most pop. All the women like it right now.

It's always a salesperson convinced him because he comes in and they're like this guy I got this guy, he has no idea what's going on and they're like, every woman wants this this, you know, pajama set. And my mom's like, I don't wear pajamas. I have a controversial gift that I want to get you this Christmas.

But it's a bit involved. But I do think that you like it and I'm going to do it. But the good news is that it'll have to be delivered and I'm going to delay the delivery so that, you know, when Christmas comes and I show you what it is, that you can be like, that's ridiculous. And then I will cancel it. Besides from you, which I think is cute, I do, I really hate people getting me gifts. Oh, I hate them getting me expensive gifts.

I hate it. Because I also... Get it in a book? Oh, I thought you liked this book. It's like, there's another one on the shelf. I don't like anything. Like, I'm not a materialistic person. So it's just like, oh, great, these people spent money on me.

and now I feel like I'm lying to them. Now I'm lying to my family. Basically, I've stolen money from them and lied to them. Well, I'll tell you what. Gifts that always work for me, and I'm not just saying this for you. And people always feel bad. They're like, oh, I can't give certificate to like a spa. That's what my mom loves.

She tells my dad, just get me a gift certificate to a spa, and he always tries to do something creative. Especially if you can discover like a new spa. Yeah. You know, you can find out from somebody like, oh, people love this place. You know, give certificate to a spa. I love. you know, like, honestly, everyone is very anti-gift certificate.

I like gift certificate. It's like, we know you're into golf and we know you're into this. Here's a sizable gift certificate to a place where you will be able to get shit that you want. Well, people have experiences, you know. You know, and listen, I'm down, even though a lot of these gadgets end up being kind of bullshit, I do appreciate a gadget related to something that I'm into to, like, see if it's going to work. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Like, you got me the massage gun that. time. Like, yeah, we don't really use it anymore, but it was definitely fun. Oh, I need the massage gun right now. It's definitely fun for a time. I think the massage gun is great. Everyone should get a theragon. It's expensive, but worth it. By the way, just so you know, when we finish the pod, we are going for a massage, since we're on the topic. Hannah, I'm not afraid to express that we're on a nice vacation. I'm not trying to hide. Well, my lower back is fucking killing me from all the flights. All right, so we're going to finish with an advice question, because this is actually a serious

dilemma. Okay. But, but like, but a manageable one in terms of a solution. So let me get into it. Hi, mom and dad. I need some advice. So I'm a senior in college right now and I have a job lined up at a big bank where I'll be making six figures working like 60 to 70 hour weeks. And my boyfriend and I are talking about getting moving in together and possibly getting engaged in the future, but he kind of wants his wife to not work that much. And I, I, understand that. Like, I'd be gone all the time. But I feel like I might be giving up some success if I do that. However, he makes enough money where he could retire me right now and I not have to think about money ever again. So my question is to you, like, how would you kind of deal with what do you really

want if money's not an issue? Like, do I want to be a girl boss if I have the shnell bags and I have the mansion and I have the beautiful house with the kids? Or, like, is being a girl boss just fulfilling in itself if I'm working so much. I feel like I spend my life at work. Anyways, help me out. I don't know what to do. I didn't realize we were coming full circle. It was an accident.

Girl boss. It was an accident that we're coming full circle. This is a serious dilemma. Well, you know what's interesting to me? I don't understand the concept of a man saying I don't want my wife to work. Because if your wife wants to work, don't you want your wife to be happy?

Is it that he has this idea? of the family in his head, which it's him working, her staying home. Have you ever wanted to be with someone who doesn't work? I really can't speak for what's going on in his head. It sounds like he's making like Bucco dollars. And I guess he's, I assume what he's thinking is he makes a lot of money and puts so much into work that he doesn't require her to be as obsessed. But I don't get that part, to be honest with you?

Maybe it's just like maybe he was raised in a family. family where his mom didn't work and that's what he listens to those like I'm a high value man like I want to look after my woman that's what a man does which is fine but I also want to let her but just I'm sorry to interrupt you you don't happen to keep seeing these TikToks where it's like somebody a male face kind of distorted and it's like

when an ugly guy has done like you know male workshops tries to hit on you and it's like hey no you're 34 so you're basically two years to the end of your most valuable time as a female Mel. I'm a high value man. Have you seen these? No. It's not on my algorithm. It's like when all the ugly motherfocus hit on you, it's like, hey, do you like my watch?

You know, it's just, you know, these insecure guys. I was raised with men discovering it's called The Game. Yeah, the game. It was like, ugly guys would be like, I just touched your elbow, which is showing that I am into you. Yeah, and nagging and all. That's where the nagging came from. Yeah, but I also, my advice for her, as someone who, is the same where I life to me is about you know chasing your dreams and

and hitting potentials and part of that does can involve family too and you're not signing your life away I mean he's kind of making it very black and white sounding like I don't want my wife to work but I think it's more like yeah when you're having kids maybe you you take a year or two off or maybe you

are in a job that isn't 60 hours a week but also it sounds like you guys are able to have help where you should be able to chase your dreams as well. So I think it's you realizing you don't have to sign a contract, but your life can be ebbs and flows. And he will probably have ebbs and flows too where he's not working all the time.

But I do think I understand, by the way, this isn't about him specifically, but I guess if you're someone who's just making like a ton of cash, it can kind of seem like, why are you bothering with this when we just do not need this money? But the thing is if it brings her joy, like your person has to have a purpose, or they're going to be miserable and they're going to be like drinking wine on Kalanapins at 10 a.m. But I also do understand the nice, the liking, the stability of knowing, like, I have my wife taking care of everything in my home, which is so important. And I want to feel like a loving, beautiful home that is a lot of work that a woman can't necessarily do when she has such an intense job. I know, but it's the traditional part of it that makes me uncomfortable. It's the Erica Kirk bullshit.

But it's also that who did he fall in love with? This driven girl who loves to work. I know. So I do think you have to be very honest with him being like, hey, like, as of right now, I don't see myself full-time staying home my whole life. So... All right, so here's my broader take on what's going on. So he, I think it's a pretty good assumption that he has a bit of a traditional viewpoint of the man provides and the woman stays home.

But part of his thing is that he gets the satisfaction of work and making money, right? And he assumes that she doesn't need that or want that, which is kind of fucked up. Because the reality is that like a woman should want that just as much. You know what I mean? Yeah. So the assumption is that she would be happy. just giving all that up to raise a kid. And that goes into this thing of like, that's what a woman should do.

Yeah. That's the worrying part. You are the caretaker. That's the worrying part. I do think a lot of women don't even know they have a great caretaking side and then they have a baby and they love it. But there are two types of women. There's women that all they need is that and they feel fulfilled.

And like, honestly, that's, it's like such a beautiful thing that you're, for whatever reason, not chasing something else. And then there's women who like, like my mom, like she was fulfilled by raising. us, but she also had two jobs. She also, like, had to do stuff for the family, and that's just how she was as a person. I do think, though, him

having all the financial control does change the dynamic of the relationship, too. There's going to be moments where you're like, oh, I don't want to do that, and he's like, well, I'm paying for it, so shut up. I have two suggestions. One is a practical one, which is,

okay, you know, there's always compromise in relationships, and, you know, you have a good life and you love him. But I would recommend that even if you do, rein it in a little bit for him, I think that you should, you know, because of the skills and the success

that you've built up in your own career, that you should only pair it back. You know, I think you could perhaps, you know, rein in the amount of time, work more remote, you know? But I don't think you should give it up completely. That's my practical solution. She's not, she doesn't just have a good job.

She's like becoming a star in her company. Yes. So she can't compete with the, other men in her company while being like, oh, I'm going to be remote and I'm going to take, you know, six months off. Well, hopefully she can take months off and then come back. But again. But then, you know, there's also the other thing of just, you know, in the end, what does that bring you? Which is a broader thing, not related to this dilemma. Right. But then my other, this is my less practical solution, which is if this motherfucker wants to stop

you working, you have to tell him in a fucking pre-nup, I get 500 grand a year from you, no question, questions ask in my own account that I control and you don't fucking have anything to do with it. And then we'll have a good relationship. Okay. I love that. I love that. Sit down with a pre-up. And then also it's like, and if this falls apart, also.

No questions asked into my account. Don't fucking ask me what I do with my money. Fuck his shit up in the pre-up. Because then it's like, that's your business. That's your girl boss. Your friends would be like, how'd you manage this and be like, I'm a business woman. I got the pre-up right. Okay.

Because if he wants you to sacrifice everything and all your power and all your freedom, fuck that. Yeah, and then day trade during the day with all the crypto bro is online while he's at work. And troll fucking insecure men. And also let him know. Let him know that like it's not like a win in life

in your situation for him to say you don't have to work. Be like, thank you, obsessed with that. I love you. I would love for you to let me work. Not in a like I need you to approve of it but it's like you're making me happier, supporting me in this decision. He wants,

at the end of he wants to be happy. I'm just a little, this is what I think. He clearly loves a strong woman. That's why he likes you. But he probably grew up in a certain lifestyle. Let's face it. I'm going to throw this out.

This might be controversial. He's Italian, Eastern European, Indian, or Arab? I'm just throwing that out there right now. And I don't think, honestly, I have no problem throwing that out. Those are the cultures that, like I'm a traditional man.

Yeah, but I also think there's a lot of cultures like just sometimes wasps who grew up where the mom was at home and they want their kids to have the same experience they had. Like I've heard of this before where it's like my mom was there every second and that's what I want for my children.

So it's that kind of thing but I think also the world's evolving. I didn't grow up with my mom. You guys have help. I would have loved her. You guys are going to have help. Yeah.

But I also think there are jobs that you can evolve to that aren't requiring you in the office 60 hours a week where you can still be crushing it at work, making a lot of money. We're just not that good with knowing about corporate jobs. Anyway, I think we've

dealt with that. I recently on stage I've been talking about like, yeah, like I don't want to have a kid necessarily right now because I'm touring and what am I going to do, leave the baby in the in the green room with my opener. Yeah, that's a great idea. I think about that all the time.

I think about it. And then I'm like, I can't have a baby right now. I'm not a male comic. Me and you start turning together and I'd be like, we leave the baby and the groom while we're on stage. But then we'll end up arguing. And like, you'll be like,

but you have to keep it to 20 minutes. I can't. You said you were doing 20 minutes. You did 24. I was stuck with the baby for four extra minutes. That's what? That's very funny.

Yeah, it's a life plan. It's very funny. So let's go. We got to go. Okay. We love you guys. And we will talk to you next week. Bye.

Adios. Bye. Hey, Des and Hannah, a long time listener, first time caller. So something that I hate that everybody else loves is the song, Mr. Brightside by The Killers. It is played at every millennial wedding. and I cannot stand that song. I have a visceral reaction. I have to leave and go to the bathroom.

I just, I can't see any more white men jumping around and screaming and just embarrassing themselves. And it's just the song is terrible. The impact of the song is terrible. the reaction the song gets is terrible. I, it's honestly, it's just the worst. I can't.

Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. This very well may be a hot take on something that everybody seems to love, but I absolutely hate, is mixing peanut butter and chocolate together. I love them both separate or like peanut butter with a Pee B and J.

That is, the moment, but I don't know why everybody wants to have a chocolate peanut butter dessert or candy. Like, why would you ruin a perfectly good chocolate dessert by adding peanut butter? I don't want it. I don't want a Reese's cup. I don't want a peanut butter Eminem. Please do not add peanut butter to my chocolate pie. Like, I just want the plain chocolate pie. I want the plain Eminem. Everybody needs to stop. Thank you. Okay, I missed last week when you guys were talking about things that everyone loves but you hate. Okay, fucking doodles.

I fucking hate doodles. They are the dumbest fucking dogs. They're not cute. Their snouts are too skinny. They just, I just fucking hate them. Like, something is wrong with their face. And also, they're more poodle than lab. And that's what the problem is.

It's not, it's too much poodle. Okay, also, another thing that I fucking hate, I fucking hate. I fucking hate habachi Everyone needs to stop loving it I've had multiple occasions Where my friends schedule a dinner Book a dinner Oh we're gonna go to habachi

It'll be so fun They're gonna put a show on No I don't want to sit in front of a hot Fucking grill Who like who wants to do that Like the best part of going out to eat Is that I have nothing to do with the cooking I don't want to watch it being cooked

I want it to be brought out to me On a cute little plate And that's all I have to say about that Honestly it's just not my thing Okay, something that I can't stand and everybody else seems to love is the show friends, okay? It's not funny. Like, I've seen it. It's really stupid.

It was like a good, you know, I can see how somebody would think it was a good sitcom for the time. It's awesome, you know, background noise. But if that's like your favorite show ever, I'm sorry, but I definitely think I'm better than you. because your taste is that of an elementary school kids. Like, you probably need to grow up a little bit.