Berner Phone - Berner Phone #121: Wildest Holiday Traditions

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

We're getting in the holiday spirit this week. The dialers shared their family's craziest holiday traditions. get tickets to Hannah's tour get tickets to Des' shows

Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Happy holidays to the dialers. Wow. Mom and dad are happy to bring in the holidays this year. Yes.

Unfortunately, we're not on the beach today. A lot of reaction. A lot of reaction on the Spotify comments to the sound of the ocean. Yes, they said it was healing. We healed people. Calming. Nice real sound effect. As it turns out, I am in Aruba, but I'm not on the beach.

I'm in my hotel in Aruba. But I'm here for shows. Just in case people think I'm a never-ending person on vacation, I am actually working. If you've always wanted to watch the zoo stand-up comedy, which all of you should, go to Aruba this week and you can see him perform. I'm here until Friday night. Performing Friday night, every night until Friday night.

We have had a couple of gigglers come through throughout the journey here in doing comedy. I've had some Hannah fans come through. I have spies on you. It's an older audience. I have my spies. Do you remember when you played in the Rube? You remember when you played Nauruba? Yeah, when I played Nauruba, it is a little older crowd.

I had a good time, though. I think it went fine. No, it did, but it's definitely, it's like doing a cruise ship. Yeah, I was like, do you guys know what horoscopes are? It's just like some sunburned old man staring at me. I'm like, hi, Des. I texted my daughter, and I told her that this comedian Hannah something was on. Oh, my God.

She's so excited. Will you talk to my daughter on FaceTime? I had no idea who you were. I had no idea. What's a podcast? She likes you for some reason. What's a podcast? Yeah, I was doing jokes.

I had like a Snapchat joke or something. I was like, this isn't going to work. You got to explain it. You got to write new jokes about explaining what Snapchat is. And then the people who go to Aruba a lot, they have their, you know, towel jokes. Well, that's my, I have my towel joke. Yeah, you have some good stuff Which is the obsession with the resorts

And their obsession with like protecting towels So my Aruba joke is a Ruba it's amazing You can gamble here legally Prostitution's legal You can drink all day for free In your resort But you can only have two towels

Two fucking towels Two towels and here's a card And if you lose your card You lose your deposit You're fucked Two towels that is so funny by the way shout out to robbie hoffman news special came out yes she had a very funny i haven't watched the entire special but the towel bit is an all

is an immediate classic very funny towel bit very funny um it's so funny unless you unless you grew up rich then not funny for you but god it was funny to me i honestly you know what you want to know was crazy about that towel bit. I'm not going to give away the joke. You guys can watch it. But I'm almost positive at least one of those towels that's in West Hampton. And, you know, the OG West Hampton house is like a towel from the 70s from Flushing Queens. And those are the best ones. They exfoliate. Oh, look who's here. Oh, and butter. A rare butter sighting on the pod. So butter, I was going to say, I'm in New York City. I'm back with butter. But butter's been hiding all morning because I had people over and she was hiding in the closet she's coming out

no but the people are still here but now I'm in the bedroom and I shut the door so she feels safe to come out you guys I'm back with my butterball I've been traveling and butter has not been happy about it but now we're back and in love just realized you know what I just realized what I just realized what page and butter have a lot in common like page can just like not be that into crowd sometimes And then, you know, when it's just you and page, she comes out. You're so right. You're so right. Yeah.

And she's not trusting, not trusting of the people here the room because she doesn't know them, but she knows me. She knows they'll be okay if she stays with me. And then if people are too loud, she hides in a closet. But it's snowing here in New York. Still? No, but like it's stuck, as they say. Yeah, you had a proper.

snowfall. I missed it. As they say in the biz, it's the snow stuck. It is gross. You know, like you step in every puddle, but it's the holiday season. This is a holiday episode. This is how it's supposed to be. We got the snow outside. We're in a snow globe. I'm not fucking a rubo with Christmas music

of them acting like. A hundred percent. It's not real. I can't take it seriously. Wait a minute. Excuse me. Christmas is not weather specific. Christmas is a holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus. It's a capitalistic holiday that's better when it's snowing outside.

All right. All right, Bernie. I also- When not celebrated Christmas this year. I always joke about people who live in really nice weather. How I'm actually like, I'm not jealous of them. Really? Yeah, because when I'm sad, I'm like, oh, it's seasonal depression.

But when they're sad, that's on them. Right. You're lacking an excuse. And look, is it true that they are less depressed because they're in a sunny place? Yes. But when they are sad, you feel even sadder because you're like, it's beautiful outside and I hate my life. Where in New York, you're allowed to just be like, yeah, life sucks, freezing outside. I'm going to be sad for four months.

But so is everyone. Yeah. Variety is a spice of life. Variety is a spice of life. And I do think you appreciate the good brother more if you don't live in it. However, as I've gotten older, despite the fact that I saw your little giggly squad, clip about when men are cold. It's an immediate ick. But I have noticed as I've gotten older, I feel the cold that little bit more. And I'm inclined to think that I could appreciate a warmer climate for a larger percentage of my year. For sure. As I'm like seeing, it really does

affect your mental health, having like a little sunlight, a little vitamin D. Sure. Vitamin D, baby. As a woman in STEM, that's just science. But does I do have to say we went out to eat and you were like I'm really cold. And you're like, are you cold? And I was like, no. And I'm like, am I daddy now? What? One of us is freezing.

One of us is freezing. I was freezing, but I was still getting over that whatever the hell we had. So I was, I was finally not sick. Me too. And I'm also the thinnest I've been since I was about 25, which may also, I may have, I may have given up a layer of warming fat on my body. so tiny and skinny and little. Because last year I took the fat shot and I've since maintained a very rigid eating regimen with, which has served me well. So perhaps I'm lacking a little bit of a natural

insulation. I'm not. You look great, Hannah. I enjoy. I didn't go on a rigid eating regimen. No, quite the opposite. I've been eating dairy every day. Quite the opposite. To be honest, every time we go out to eat, when the dishes come to the plate, your dish gets put in front of me. Because they assume that I am the pig in this relationship. It's so cute. Someone gets like a light salmon and they put it in front of me and I'm like, no, on the double burger with bacon.

With the extra ketchup. No, for breakfast. No, the Diet Coke is for a hand. Did he get psychok? He also always orders an assaye bowl and I order like the hungry man, you know. Yeah, you order like that. Yeah, that's a fucking heart attack breakfast. Yeah, that's what they call it.

And then they come to the table and put the assaye bowl in front of me. I say, get that shit out of my face. Yeah, I had an assaye bowl today actually from shout out to Eduardo. Not to be inappropriate, but there's like something to hold on to. What can I say? Oh, right. Hannah, just for the record, there's no pressure coming from me from thickness or otherwise. So I don't want the dialers to think in any way, shape, or form that I'm like expecting a certain, you know.

In our marriage vows, you said, in thickness and in health. Oh, very funny, Hannah. Write that down. Or is that like a known thing? No, I just said it. That's funny. In thickness and in health. But I think that the people with a lisp will be offended.

Andrew Colin. because that is that's probably what he said at his mouth in thickness. Shout out Andrew who adopted two cats so he's on my good side right now.

Nice. So anyway, it's our quirky holiday tradition episode here on Burnifone getting into the holiday season before everything shuts down for the holidays.

But we, I don't think we've done this tradition episode before. This is our first tradition. Why do I feel like we discussed holiday traditions before, but I could be wrong.

I feel like I remember talking to you about the fact that one of our many things that we did every year was that we lined up in age order going down the stairs. Do we never talk about that before? Before what? No, like have we never talked about it? Oh, before going down to open the presents. So first you had to line up and then they were like, well, because basically we, myself and my two brothers, we wake up at the crack of dawn still to this day.

that's just like a thing. People always say, oh, that's age. I was like, well, then what was it when I was five? What was when I was 20? You literally see Santa like trying to get back into the. Oh, yeah, Santa didn't have a chance with us. You kidding me? You know, like Santa will be like, what the fuck are you doing?

I was just finishing my cookie. I was just finishing my cookie here. You know? I'm chewing. Yeah. So we would wake up early. And then our parents had this thing, which is like, we're not going down before six o'clock.

So we had to fucking wait, you know? And of course, we'd like, make noise and try to wake them up. So finally, whenever they finally got up to go down, it was my dad, my mom, then me, Mike Dan Aden, going down the stairs to the wonder of the Christmas tree. So your dad went first?

Yeah, because it was age order. That was the deal. So would he open his stuff first? No, no, no, just going down the stairs. Just literally the way that we would walk down the stairs. Wait, that's kind of adorable. Yeah, because we're so fucking excited. I mean, can you remember the wonder of like,

just like when you went to, to bed the night before. Because here's another thing that I, maybe it's my age or maybe it's just our family, but like our tree didn't fill up with presents gifts from other people early. Like when we went to bed, there was basically nothing under the tree. And when we would wake up in the morning, it would be like overflowing with toys. I mean, one thing about my parents is they really, now, of course, memory is a funny thing. I'm sure if I looked now at, at the spread of 1970. 1989, 1980, I would be like, oh yeah, that's an average spread. But to me...

No, but I think back then they went off because, you know, a lot of little toys you could get for a cheap price. Like, you could wrap a lot of toys. Yeah, and actually, you know what the other thing that I feel has gotten more and more of a thing over the years? It definitely wasn't as much of a thing when we were younger. Is rapping. A lot of the stuff under archery wasn't wrapped.

Really? Yeah. That was under there. The Italians were wrapping. Okay, there was meticulous wrapping happening with the Italians. Well, yeah, but you, yeah, but I don't know if that was, I feel like that evolved over the time. Like, by the time you were four or five, we were also rapping. Oh.

When we were kids, when we were kids, there wasn't as much stuff wrapped, which I was totally fine with because it used to be so cool to come down and just see all this shit. I feel like back then it was also there was less technology. So things were cheaper. Like you weren't buying kids' iPads. Like you were literally. being like, this is Plato. I remember Calico Vision, our first games console, which was under the thing.

And then, of course, it was a big drama to set it up. But like, that was, Calico Vision was. I mean, yeah, once we got our Nintendo, that was game over. That was game over. I mean, Nintendo was like, well, we didn't go when Nintendo. We went Pokemon, Nintendo. We went to Sega. We went to Sega.

We were Sega Master System originally. there was three of you though so would your parents get you three no it was one T no you just well you're talking about game boy yeah like a game Hannah I was like 15 when game boy came so my parents I look back because there was only two of us they'd always get us one so we'd have to like share everything oh yeah no we didn't I I I'm talking about like the Kaliko vision on the one television in the house we have one TV after dinner Daniel and I were finishing and we wanted to play with Nintendo.

Obviously, we both wanted it. And we run to it after. And we're on like level 72 or something in Pokemon. And we're fighting over it. And then the thing falls out. And we lose all the levels. And we haven't forgiven each other. We were like, we have to work as a team next time because this is not helpful.

But we would go to my- When we got Kalikovision, okay, just so you know, right? I don't even know what this word is you're saying. It's basically the one that came right after Atari. It was the beginning of Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong was the first game on KalikoVision. So back then there was screws at the back of the TV. You had to unscrew them.

And then there was these two like four, like little mini pitchforks. You had to unscrew a TV? Unscrew the back. The screws on the back, right? Then there was these two like kind of pitchforks with little wires. So you had to slide the pitchforks under the screw, then tighten it, right? And then that thing had like a metal box that had like a switch on it. and when you wanted to turn on Kalikovision

you had to flick that switch at the back then turn on Kalikovision and then the TV had to be on Channel 3. Channel 3 was the TV where that worked on. Sorry, I checked out like 20 minutes ago. You had to use the channeled. I'm already out. Like I'm not playing.

Hannah, pay attention to the past. How many steps do you have to? But I mean, you guys were engineers back then. That's what we did, man. Nowadays, if like, hey, and by the way, because of those skills, I'm the one that always has to deal with you being like Netflix is not coming up.

Like, it's an emergency. No, that's because you're my husband in thickness and in health. Right, yeah. Because you, sometimes every now and you always like act like I did something. You know, you're always like, what's going on with the TV?

It's not fucking no man. You always think I broke with TV. I'm not getting into this with you right now. Also, do you know we spent all our Christmases, we'd go to my nan and papas? Oh, right. So Christmas Eve,

we'd go to my nan and papas. there'd be nothing under the tree. We'd have our seven fishes, which was like however many fishes, you would eat so much, go to sleep so fucking excited, wake up and then my nan and papa made our childhood with these Christmases.

There were a trillion gifts, and I was crazy where I wanted everyone to, I wanted to save my gifts for last, which is so main character energy of me, being like, okay, everyone's done, I'm gonna open mine. But we had some really iconic Christmases back in the day. But it was always my nan and papa.

When we got into the more gift-wrapping era, it was always everybody opened one gift at a time. We tried to savor it as much as possible. But your family was, would you just do it with the five of you? In the morning. Yeah. The gift opening section. But then we, our house is the party house.

Oh, so then the cousins come over. They all come over in the afternoon. Yeah, because then we drive to Shelter Island to see my grandma and grandpa and the cousins that were there. Oh yeah, we never traveled. That was our thing. We never traveled. Everybody came to us.

Yeah, we had a big dining room. But also, I was the first kid that was born in my family. I was the first cousin. So I was fucking spoiled. I was treated the best. I also was the only girl until later on, John and Andrea. So I was running that show. I was smack bang in the middle of 17 grandchildren,

so it wasn't the same amount of attention. When I was born, I was like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened. And I was like, hey, except I didn't want to wear any of the cute outfits. My mom wanted to put me in. I wouldn't wear the hat. I wouldn't wear the matching sock. I'd freak out.

I just wanted to run around and get dirty. Yeah. Not listening to your stylist, a habit that started a long time ago. Not true. you're literally the meanest person to be on that oh excuse me oh when Hannah when page makes fun of your style that's hilarious but yeah page's allowed too she's coming from a place of truth and honesty you are just repeating things that you've heard no excuse me no it's well does likes to say that he knows style no excuse me i don't say that excuse me excuse me i made a

funny i made a funny joke let's not let's not get into the the depth of emotion about it. Sorry, not everyone can dress classically dapper as you. I have it easy. I just wear a suit. Everyone thinks you made an effort. Did you get me a present? I told, I have a, I have a very controversial present, but

we're not going to discuss it. Christmas traditions, not Christmas future. This isn't the gross of Christmas future here, okay? Did you have any weird quirky traditions? We didn't really, honestly. Oh, well, the one weird quirky tradition that my mother had was for a long time, and I've definitely discussed this before, she would not buy the tree

until Christmas Eve. Oh, yeah. And that was a tough tradition, which we've talked about before. And as far as she was concerned, the Italians were like sacrilegious for getting their tree on like December 1st. But you want to enjoy the tree? How long did she keep the tree? I agree. Hey, listen, it took us years of badgering her to give in because she basically thought that it was like an Irish tradition because her father would only bite on Christmas Eve. But what she discovered later in life, What we finally got her to discover us, no, he was just cheap. And it was an easy way to haggle because they were throwing him out the next day. So she got suckered into thinking she was part of a tradition when she was just a, it was just a discount.

I would say it's not quirky, but I just, my nan and Papa would have like Frank Sinatra playing. That's like what I remember a lot. A lot of Frank Sinatra in the background. Yeah, that was not our experience. New York, New York. No, we just at Z-100. Z-100 played Christmas music for 24 hours. Oh my God, yeah.

So Z-100 would just be on, you know, in the house. Anyway. I also remember that I didn't like, I love the high, but I hated the low. Yeah, afterwards, especially because you, like, you crash and then you eat food and you feel like shit. You eat like, you feel like shit. You're like, wait, we have nothing to look forward to you. It just cold outside. Yeah, none of these toys are, none of these toys are as exciting as I thought they were going to be.

We have no presents. We have to, we have to now bring everything to the house and, like, put it. away and like I'm just yeah it was like yeah I mean I did listen I loved I loved Christmas but we didn't really have any other I mean I was big you were big into watching it's a wonderful life I was big into watching a Christmas Carol and then I told you that story right about Miss Bullion fourth gray no so we come back after Christmas vacation and uh I don't know I guess she's like asking people to talk about I don't know.

For some reason, somebody starts talking about a Christmas carol. And I kept saying lines from it out loud. And Miss Bullion was like, oh, if you think you know the whole movie, why don't you get up here and perform it? Well, that was a mistake. So I got up in front of the class and I did like an abridged version of a Christmas carol in front of the whole class. How long?

I can't remember. But all I know is that she wrote an amazing letter. to my mother. And of course, as my joke, because I was always in trouble, you know, but as my joke, I brought the letter back and I was like, Mom, I got in trouble with Ms. Bullion today. Here's a letter. And then she read it. And of course, she was all proud, but of course I had to make a joke out of that too. You were always a performer. Always a performer. And shout out to Miss Bullion. You know, she was a great teacher, but my mother, who was just very critical of everybody,

she would always call her a frustrated actress. So she would blame a lot of times Ms. Bulliam would get the blame for me getting in trouble because she was jealous of us. My mother's insane. Very Gen Z mom of her. You know what it was? Because we used to model and she felt that Ms. Bullion didn't like us because we were still working in the industry that she wanted to be. She out of her fucking mind. Ms. Bullion listening to the pod right now is like, what the fuck is going on? Did a bad news. Miss Blay is not listening. Okay, 22 minutes in, you brought in the grief. 22 minutes in, we've discussed that. Missing I would be like 105 if she was listening, by the way.

Oh. Anyway. Calling her a frustrated actress. But that literally, those are, those, that's a direct quote. She's a frustrated, she's just a frustrated actress. That was my mother's quote. Oh, my God. And when I think back to this boy, yeah, she was the coolest teacher.

She used to play spelling baseball, right? So it was like, you score where, if you score it correctly, you can steal a base. She would make a, she would make a diamond out of the club. which was garbage cans, right? But you could steal a bass and, you know, anyway, it was like so much fun. She would sing every morning we would sing a song together, you know? She would show you where her audition tapes for... Yeah, she would show us all the dishes, I don't know how I didn't get this part.

I could have been in common with the wind. Anyway, shout out to Miss Billion, rest in peace. But I mean, a great teacher that didn't get the credit she deserved from my mom. Like most teachers. Fourth grade, that was, by the way. I hope all the teachers enjoy their holidays away from the little knee biters. I do think a lot of families, it's so funny how different your traditions could be, but it feels so normal.

I do remember, like, there's a family that, it also depends what your family has. Like, they had, like, a big yard, and they would have this really cute football game on Christmas Day. I mean, that was Thanksgiving. I forget. But long story short, it doesn't matter how many presents do you have. It doesn't matter how bigger house is. It's the love that's in the room this holiday season. The traditions make it.

And because I grew up around a lot of Italians, the other tradition that we had was driving around the neighborhood looking at lights. And, you know, the flushing, Bayside, White Stone, Fresh Meadows area did not disappoint. You think the Italians go the hardest with the lights? Well, in my childhood, 100%. Yeah, they're pretty flashy.

Yeah, because it requires a flashiness. Yeah, they want to. And you know, it's funny is in Ireland, the lights are considered kind of gold. Gaudy and some of my more middle to upper middle class friends in Ireland are bit judgmental because the lights have started to become a thing in Ireland. And I guess maybe there was some judgment. Maybe in America they were considered gaudy too, but I was unfamiliar with that.

And I grew up amongst the gaudiness. There's, you know, some people can be snooty and some people are like, fuck this. I'm having fun. Yeah. For six weeks. Can we not fucking, you know, worry so much about aesthetic? Let's have some fun. Let's have some goddamn fun.

I mean, I'm not putting up lights If that's what you're trying to Where? Where? Exactly. No, I'm not a big fan of it now But I really did enjoy it as a kid I do We're in this weird in between

Where we're not kids So it's not happening to us And we don't have kids So like we're in this weird Like we don't really Celebrate things that hard But I could see like if we do have kids Us suddenly having

Like you get to make up You've got to make new traditions. They have elf on the shelf now. By the way, just so you know, I've been in that, I've been in that celebratory wasteland for quite a long time. Yeah, like 30 years. 30 years, actually. Yeah. And then when your parents die, then it really, you know, like, it does kill the vibe.

It does kill the Christmas vibe, I have to say. They definitely killed the vibe. I haven't been as that interested in Christmas since those times. I mean, it's been fun and enjoying the. Is it kind of exciting that in the future we may create new traditions? Yeah. You know, it's hunger route. It's just a game changer.

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I mean, let's get into it because we're 25 minutes in. And the dialers have some amazing one. My family and I used to play a game called bum darts, and we only played it at Christmas. What it is is you would have to take a quarter and stick it between your bum cheeks. And then you would have to walk with the quarter between your cheeks towards a bowl or a cup.

and after each round somebody was eliminated and the bowl or the cup would get smaller and smaller and then the last person who could get it in was the winner I mean that is hilarious wait wait wait wait wait

you not understand it they're not naked they're not naked they have to carry the quarter in your butt cheeks right then when you get to the location you have to release it and then try to get it in the cup.

Yeah, but how do you release it if you're wearing pants? No, because you release it from your ass, and then you have to get it down through your pants and then it falls through your pants into the cup. How do you know that? What do you mean? How do I know that? I listened to what she was saying.

Did you say that? I mean, will I play it again? Are you sure they're not like toddlers doing this? All right, hold on. Let me double check. Let me just double check. Okay, plurbus. My family and I used to play a game called bum darts, and we only played it at Christmas.

What it is, is you would have to take a quarter and stick it between your bum cheeks, and then you would have to walk with the quarter between your cheeks towards a bowl or a cup. And after each round, somebody was eliminated, and the bowl or the cup would get smaller and smaller. and then the last person who could get it in was the winner. No, you're right. You're right. But, yes, actually, I guess they were kids. When I read that, I just, I assumed, I guess I assumed the gene thing.

My goodness. I mean, look, I don't know and I don't judge. Maybe they live in a nudist colony. It's hilarious. I do love a game. Well, there's a lot of games. Let's get into another game. But that, come on, that is a hilarious game.

I mean, maybe, maybe, you know, now that it's not a gene thing. All right, let's, uh, let's, this is a game called spit on your neighbor. Why are all these sexual? So we play this game called shit on your neighbor. I don't know if that's the real name, but that's what we call it. So we're at a long table and you like deal cards and whoever has like the lowest, like has to put in a quarter. And like you can like swap with people if you can only swap one way. And then if you have a king, like you can't swaps and you like dramatically flip the king over.

And everyone's like, oh. and then like every time someone gets out we're like oh and then when they get out they have to go sit in the living room and they can watch the Vikings play again so sometimes people want to get out on purpose so they can go back and watch football and we used to like get super dramatic and sing like the na na nah nah nah nah nah no no hey hey goodbye song when people got out but um like 11 years ago my dad made one of my cousins cry and we've never been able to do that sense because he was like taunting her and was like really getting into it um so we've never been able to to sing sense, even though everyone is over 18 now.

But yeah, that's our quirkiest tradition. And yeah, we call it shit on your neighbor. We get really into it. But some people want to get out to go watch football. Sorry, the Telby transcript called it spit on your neighbor. Shit on your neighbor. The fact, though, that the dad made the little cousin cry is so perfect for family holiday. Yeah, but it's unfortunate that that fun tradition.

tradition had to change because one person cried. Look, there's no crying and shit on your neighbor. Yeah, like, no, but I get it. I'm not saying that the kid did anything wrong by crying, but, you know, the following year, it's like, hey, we sing na, nah, nah, it's not directed at you. You're like singing it. We sing na, nah, nah, it's not personal. Yeah, or to be honest with you, I'm a fan of the singing.

The following Christmas, when the crier showed up, I would have fucking sang it at them before they walked in, so they never came. Like, I didn't want to say it, but you are going to be that dad. I mean, I'm really not, I'm not into making kids cry. No, no, but you like creating a good environment for a fun game. Well, you need like a fun, you need a fun atmosphere, you know? Yes. There's a lot of, listen, we had a lot of fun, man.

There's a lot of games that don't exist anymore because, you know, people are, you know, the risk, the risk, the risk of verse. Everyone wants a participation trophy. Well, no, I'm not talking about a participation, truth. Is society better because we got rid of Dodge Ball? Got rid of what? Dodge Bowl. Oh, Dodge Bowl. Is society better because Dodge Bowl is gone?

No. Do you have a bit about that? No. That's really funny. I didn't know Dodge Ball was gone. I was a Dodge Ball kid. Red Rover's gone. I mean, maybe Red Rover is on the British Bulldog.

Some of these games were quite rough. All I know is Dodge Ball. Yeah, I've been hitting the fucking face at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday. With a rubber ball. By a like full grown command. Yeah, because there's always like one asshole. It's the same with pillow fight.

I was trying to write a bit. What's that? They hoard all the balls until they have all the balls and you're just standing there. And then they just pick you off. Like, I'm like, this guy is a fucking pitcher in the MLB. And I'm 14.

I'm four years old. I was trying to write a bit about pillow fights because I was trying to come up with this thing, which is like just about the whole concept of punch it down and punching up and like I was just trying to like broaden out the parameters in terms of like like not all quote unquote punching down jokes are really that bad in the sense that it's kind of like a pillow fight and a pillow fight is fun because you're fighting but you're not really fighting right but then there was always one asshole that would like stuff the pillow down to the bottom and make make it fucking hard or they'd have like a down pillow that could literally like knock you out

they put a hammer in a pillow well yeah so that's that's the type of punching down that I You're not supposed to suffocate the kid. Just hit them. Yeah, well, no, because that's the kind of punching down I have a problem with when it's fucking vindictive. Yeah, not when it's playful. Yeah. Not a playful.

Everyone's giggling together. Yeah, so we got to decipher between the pillow fight and the fucking down. Don't put rocks in your pillow and hit a down pillow. Yeah, don't put rocks in your pillow. But anyway, I never, I never figured that. I do have to say. But it's a fun concept. I'm one of those people that if someone's like, let's play a game, I'm like, oh my God,

I don't know where new rules. but you never you rarely regret playing the game i find there's always like a high at one point where you're like this is fucking awesome unless if people don't understand the game and people aren't like fully engaged shout out to my friend haley not haley beber heli nicole who's so good at getting games going listen my life has been made fuller by the people that push the games because game pushers it's a type of person 97.2% of the time i would not play the game Game pushers keep the world going around because they're that person that like they know everyone says no to them at first and they fight for the joy and the love of the game. I really enjoy playing Scrabble, but 100% of the time, 100% of the time when people say you want to play Scrabble, I never want to play.

But when I play, I love it. Incredible at Scrabble. Your grandmother. Yeah. But she she has like Scrabble words. And you're like, that's not. Yeah. Well, that's it.

She needs like that too. She needs all the cue, you know, the cue. Hey, we should have some Scrabble nights because I love. Scrabble. Yeah. But then it gets controversial with the challenge rules and stuff. Sheneid plays very strict challenging rules. How many challenges do you get?

It's not about that. So if you challenge and you're wrong, you lose your turn. So it's a lot of risk on challenging somebody. Between me and you, we can make our own rules. No. I want the most severe fucking rules. Because I don't want to encourage challenging. You know.

Okay, well. And I enjoy boggle too. I enjoy bog. What do you do if I like just have a crazy word that you don't believe is real? I challenge you. I challenge you. But you want to be able to not lose your challenge if you're wrong. No, it's not about losing the challenge.

I lose my turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think it's unlimited challenges. Really? No punishment when you're wrong. What are you trying to say? What are you trying to say? Do you want punishment or not? No.

I'm saying that if you get a challenge wrong, there should be a punishment. Oh, I thought you were saying you don't like the challenge rules. No, I, no, I'm saying it's controversial on the rules that people decide. Chris, can you rewind and see where we went wrong in this exchange? Because I'm pretty sure you said you don't like challenge rules. No, I, well, I think I was saying Shnade is really into the challenge rules. It gets very, it gets, and you don't like it. No, I like people to make the decision on what they are.

It's controversial. I don't like people just challenging willy-nilly. Okay. Oh, got it. You don't like too many challenges. You want there to be punishment for the challenge. Sorry, you want people punished. Okay, got it.

Yeah. You go, I want harsh capital punishment. Well, I mean, basically it's like if you challenge and you're wrong, it's like, well, fuck you then, bro. No, I agree. I agree with that. Okay, I'm down. We have to play Scrabble together. I fucking love Scrabble. That's what we'll do this Christmas. We'll play Scrabble. Oh, we'll play Scrabble. All right. But we do have little my niece and nephew coming and they're... Oh, they're going to fuck it up. They're going to run their hand right through that shit. They're little dirty, sticky hands. Yeah, anyway, the games are fun. You know, games are fun. Yeah. Bring back games. Mick Gibney. The Gibneys would always like read poems and stuff. always like you had to have a performance. Oh, it's Hewled time. You know I love talking about Hewle because I love drinking Hewle. One of my favorite companies that I became aware of in the last year. So it's

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I've said it before, but I just wish that something like Rula existed in my late teens, early 20s. Because I needed that so bad. You know, I was going through my stuff with booze and drugs. and, you know, just generally, late adolescence, their early 20s, it's just a tough time. You know, you're trying to figure yourself out in the world. You know, I was living in another country, and suddenly I just, I wasn't in like a structured environment anymore. And I really did struggle.

And this didn't exist. And, you know, not to mention that therapy wasn't, particularly in Ireland, it's kind of frowned upon. Well, now it's so accessible, people have a much better attitude. about it and it can really help your life. But taking that first step is hard. Very hard to find a therapist. And it's also hard to build up the confidence to do it. Well, there's a certain what we once say, anonymity, simplicity to going online and finding a therapist. And by the way, in America particularly, very hard with insurance. So Ruler's got you covered, right? Because Rula does things differently. They partner with over 100 insurance plans, making the average co-pay just

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dot com slash burn for 20% off your order. Baked by Melissa.com slash burn. All right. Let's, oh, this is cute. Hi, Hannah and Des.

A long time listener, first time caller, and I'm a big giggler too. A tradition that we have in my family for Thanksgiving and Christmas when we get together at my grandma's house.

We always have a bowl of completely plain elbow noodles because they had a lot of picky eaters as kids. But now every year we still have it, which is confusing to new girlfriends and boyfriends in the family. But even all the adults who are actually eating all the good food still get a little bit of plain elbow noodles because it's a tradition. And we call them Mamum noodles because Mama makes them. Bye. I love you. That's cute. It's very cute. That's very cute.

It's funny. It's good that they had multiple picky eaters because when there's one picky eater, it's like everyone hates them. Everyone's like, you don't want what on your what? Sorry, that comes together. We can't not put like sauce on the pasta. No. You don't want clams in your clam pasta? What?

What are you talking about? Chicken nuggets fries. You don't eat seafood? Welcome to the seven fishes, my. motherfucker. Oh, yeah. I did date a guy who was kosher. That did not go well. Oh, my God. But there's always going to be that kid. Do you know what's so interesting about the... No, he wasn't a kid. He was a grown man.

Oh, the kosher. Sorry, I wasn't going to get it. Introduction to the family. And to my nana was like, you don't eat chicken parmesan? Oh, yeah. No meat and cheese. You don't put the... He wants me to take the parmesan off the chicken, but it's chicken parmesan. That's what you eat. And I was like, and then he goes, no, no, um, crawfish. No, no, no, oh, shellfish, right? No shellfish. And she goes, it's Calamari. What do you? You don't need a Calamari? You don't like, listen, it's people's religious traditions. I don't like making fun of people's religious traditions. I'm not making fun of it. I'm making fun of the religions coming

together. I'm not saying that you're making fun of it. What I am saying, though, is that, When the religious traditions come into like very severe dietary restrictions, it bothers me a little bit just because we've learned a lot about the world since whatever the reason for these restrictions existed is irrelevant. And look, it is a tradition of their culture, but the funny thing is when your tradition is not eating things, and then my tradition is eating things, then you put it together. And as an Italian, it's the biggest insult is for you not to eat something my grandma made you.

So do you want to offend my grandmother or God? It's a really a tough decision. So honestly, like he could have been the most charming, amazing, made everyone laugh the whole time. If he didn't eat the food and they were like, we don't get him. We don't get what you see in him. Well, you know. My dad was like, you don't eat shrimp fried rice.

Chinese people don't even eat shrimp fried rice. My dad was like, no shrimp fried rice. Are you, what? True fried, right? Do you mean true for it? Yeah. Anyway, you know, listen, those, those severe, like, religious diets. I respect their culture, but I also just, like, I just question sometimes, like,

the lack of changing in certain aspects of tradition that came from a time that, you know, like, just we've a lot more information since then. That's all else. Yes. And I'm on the record. I'm not afraid to be on the record for that. I do have to say Lucho submitted something

but I don't know if you chose it Did you get anything about a personal accordion player? Yeah, I could play that. Yeah, let's play it. Who are people coming direct to you? What the hell is this? What the hell is this?

People are going around this system. People, he's a fucking, they're Italian. They're Italian. Of course they're Italian. I got a guy. I got a fucking guy. I got a guy to get my message played. I have a good mind to not play it now.

Play it for Lucho. He's an incredible photographer. If you need a photographer for anything. Yeah, so Lucho, for the record, I did pick it. But sometimes I don't pick things just because I don't get to them. You know? But as it turns out, I did. Trust the process.

Yeah, I know, but I wouldn't be able to go back and find it. You know, the website isn't that good. They don't need to know the logistics. Okay. All right. Hey, listen, you want to play or not? All right? You want to fucking, you want to go through the messages? I'll fucking, I'll get the fucking Mafiosos children fucking coming at me looking for shit to be played. It's like, listen, my daughter, she left a message. I'd really appreciate it if her message gets played. And if you do this favor for me. We might have a problem. Yeah, we might have a problem. But if you do this faith for me, one day, I'll do a favor for you. Yeah, and like, I don't want anyone to get whacked. So I heard my daughter, like is a little dialer? As you know, our family

runs a lot of funeral homes and you like talking about death. So in the future, we will be able to look after you in your next favorite situation of somebody passing. All right, let's let me find the accordion. My daughter left a message. It fell out of a truck. We found it.

We want you to read it. Hello, Hannah and Des. This is Lucho. I'm kind of drunk in Mexico, so bear with me. but my quirky family holiday tradition is that every year for Christmas, we have our family accordion player come over. We're really Italian, so yes, we have an accordion player. She's a three-time world champion on the accordion.

His name is Corey. He comes over and he accompanies my mom in a performance. She gets a custom-made outfit by our family seamstress. Last year, she was a Christmas tree, and they did rocking around the Christmas tree. Two years ago, she was a snowflake, and they did let it snow. So really excited to see what's in store for 2025.

But that's pretty quirky. I feel like it's pretty different. I hope it's right up your alley. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. Love you guys. Bye. Wonderful. Wonderful, luchel.

Look, Italians don't do subtle. It's the most Italian family of all kinds. My aunts is seamstress. My uncle's an accordion player. Okay. Well, I tell you how old Italian. So he's in Rhode Island. He's Rhode Island Italian.

Oh, you know him? He's my photographer. Oh. He shot me for Fallon. He shot us for Radio City. Oh, so I've met him. Yes. Okay.

Well, you've seen him brief. So for Radio City, this photographer shows up and like, it's a busy day. He comes in with the white boxes with, you know, all wrapped up. I'm like, what did you bring? And he brought all this Italian food from these Italian bakeries for us to eat at Radio City. And he's just the sweetest. cutest but yeah his family goes fucking hard also his mom his main character energy I'm obsessed with her oh you met her too no I haven't met her but I can tell that she's entertaining we love it

glamorous and she's like I need a custom fit for my performance also what is the performance is she just like standing there looking beautiful she's singing let it snow she's singing let it snow I love I love that that's why she was a snowflake these things like she wasn't sitting up there getting offended she was singing let it snow you know it's a serious performance offended by what it's a snowflake joke Hannah

oh sorry I thought you were talking about you left a lot you didn't even get it because at first I thought you were acknowledging the baby it's cold outside being a creepy song Oh right no I wasn't I wasn't I wasn't referencing that

Sorry I'm not on political TikTok. No one calls me a snowflake ever. I love when somebody laughed so hard at my joke. I thought it was about the other thing. And then I was like, wait, I guess it's not. I mean, it was close. That I intended, you know, which is great.

At the end of day, baby, you make me laugh. It doesn't matter if it's valid or not. It's just laughing. Listen, the end product is what matters. It's not how we get there. It's, yeah, I think it's about the journey actually, but never mind. So Lucho is, uh. Babe, should we get?

get a like an an Irish an Irish dancer we get the alien pipes there's some people it's too emotional

the Ilian pipes yeah some people go out and like sing Christmas carols which they all get pneumonia but it's very nice yeah well there was a couple of years in Ireland where I

collected money for the Lions Club in Nace County Hill there I've had a couple oh by the way the great Irish tradition which I've done when I've been an Irish Christmas is swimming in a 40-foot beach, swimming in Dublin Bay on Christmas Day. That's a biggie.

They actually, they deal with it on bad sisters. Bad sisters, they talk about that tradition. Mine is all food, nana cooking the food. That's really that. And then our other tradition was you took down the tree on January 6th on the Feast of the Epiphany, which, by the way, in Ireland they call Women's Little Christmas. There's different traditions all over the world.

Why is it a little epiphany? No, the epiphany is the epiphany. Women's Little Christmas is January 6th. It was meant to be like the women's time to just enjoy it. What's the epiphany? Well, Hannah, here's the thing. Christmas is actually a religious holiday. January 6 is the arrival of the three maize men, the journey of the magi,

which in some cultures, January 6th is actually the day where you give gifts, not under the tree. And in some cultures, it's when you storm the capital. Okay. Actually, I never, you know, it's funny, I never actually made the connection between the fact that they stormed the capital on the epiphany. Except instead of three wise men, it was thousands of fucking idiots. Thousands of the dumbest motherfuckers in the planet. There was not three wise men to be found. Yeah, they weren't bringing frankincense gold and mer.

Oh, God. I think we have time for one more. I think we have time for one more. Okay. I mean, we haven't done a lot because we talk so much early on, but of course we can do this again next week. Where we'll be together.

Yeah. We can extend the holiday cheer next week. Where we will be, I do not know. So next week, what's next Monday date-wise? We're going to be in West Hampton. Okay, next week, Monday, 22nd. We'll continue the Christmas cheer here on Brunfront next week.

together. But for now, do you want to do another game? Or do you want to do like a travel tip or no, let's do paper voodoo I wrote. This is quite interesting. Hi, Hannah and Des. I just wanted to contribute my

quirky slash pretty wild holiday tradition. Every New Year's Eve, my family and I will create this doll made of like sticks and paper, and you burn it. We all light the dolls on fire. And you, it's supposed to be symbolic of like letting go of the year pass behind you. you know, just like moving on, moving forward, releasing bad energy, you know, all those things. So, yeah, we make paper dolls and we burn them.

And that's my weird quirky. She's doing voodoo. She didn't want to say it, but that's voodoo. She's like, oh, we get rid of things from the past year. No, they're making a doll of their enemies and they're burning them. And I respect that. That's some Sicilian shit right there. I mean, they're letting it go, though, you know?

I think I feel like there's less violent police to do that. No, but they're trying to essentially release all the demons of the year. Maybe, yeah, like releasing your old self. But it's a cute tradition. It's like letting it go. I mean, it's quite unique.

I love that. It's almost religious. I do love having like an emotional moment every Christmas. Hey, what's the difference between lighten a piece of paper and lighting a candle? So doll is just very voodoo, which I love. I love. Yes, it does give voodoo vibes.

The doll looks just like your sister. It's like a doll is your uncle Steve, who I know you're annoyed with. But let's, however you, let's stuff out. But I do think when everyone's together, it's take advantage of the nice speeches and those times where you can kind of celebrate each other, even though you're not like really celebrate. celebrating anything. Don't wait for the weddings or the funerals. Do it? Do it at these holidays that you're together? Do you want to know it's crazy? I had never watched It's a Wonderful Life until I watched it with your family. Did you watch it all the way through? Like were you really able to watch it all? I feel like yeah, I did. I feel like we watched it. Isn't it incredible?

Yeah. And then coincidentally, I know, when I was driving the other day, I ended up listening to a podcast about the history of It's a Wonderful Life from like a film. Oh, wow. studies professor. It was very interesting. Fascinating. Wasn't it like not a hit at first? Well, so that's that's a little, not an urban myth, but that story gets kind of like exaggerated in that it was a commercial success. It just wasn't like a massive commercial success. It was actually kind of a, there was a film about World War II that kind of like overshadowed it. Got it. So here's, okay, this is a fun fact. Sorry to finish with just like some boring information, but I think you'll appreciate it because you guys love it. It's a

Wonderful Life. The reason why it's a Wonderful Life became a holiday classic is because through various things of the director and the company that he created, they let the copyright expire in like 1974. So it was basically open season to show it. It was a very cheap thing to throw on TV. So because it was a holiday movie, all the different networks just kept throwing it up at the holidays on TV. Don't forget this was like, there's only like six channels that you can watch. And that's how it slowly became, between the like 70s and 80s, a massive American, particularly holiday tradition was because you could just, you know, use it for free. But apparently somebody, somebody reacquired the copyright in 1994. So it's not as open season as it once was. Well, that is a combination of

it just suddenly everyone being like forced to watch it, but then it also being such a, I mean, it is a deeply like disturbing. Yeah, it's heavy. It's heavy. It's heavy. But it's a lot of it is, you know, the director. And by the way, Jimmy Stewart.

Jimmy Stewart and I forgot his name is like Kafka or something. He, uh, they were in World War II. So they're both just coming back from World War II. So, you know, you're dealing with a lot of like PTSD and masculine stuff. So it's a pretty heavy movie. It's very heavy but beautiful and black and white and time period in our lives. So if you're listening to this and you're like, hmm, I don't have any traditions. It's never too late to create.

Never too late to create. And if you're remembering traditions you forgot, do them again. Yeah, and if you realize you fucking hate your traditions and you want new ones. We're going to keep the nostalgia going into next week. Any Christmas, you know, you can also, you know, give like things you remember getting as kids or funny presents. Just, we're going to keep the holiday game going here for next week on Burnifone, where we'll be together. And you can always change traditions if you don't like your current ones. Yes, you know, no harm in starting.

Because, you know, we're learning and growing and changing. Well, my new tradition I created after 2016 was I used to do the comedy seller all throughout the Christmas season, including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, which I really enjoyed for a while. I enjoyed that tradition. It was very fun. Because in Ireland, it's like you would never. Like Ireland just completely shuts down. So it was such a unique thing to be able to do. So anyway, that's it, folks.

You're on Burnifone here for our first of our holiday specials. And if you need last minute gifts for the holidays, check out where Des and I are performing in 2020. We have a lot of dates. So grab some tickets for your loved ones and laugh. Yeah. Coming hot out of the gate in Texas. In mid-January, those are my first American shows after the holiday.

I'm going to be all over Denver, like Beaver Creek, sorry, Colorado, River Creek, Denver, Aspen, some other place. Check it out. Yeah. The scene of a crime. Yeah. So. Those tours I see all.

Anyway, we love you guys so much. Thank you for calling in. Okay, bye, everybody. See you next week. Thank you, bye.