Berner Phone - Berner Phone #13: Random Life Advice

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

For the first time, we are taking life advice questions from the little dialers and we'll see where it takes us. This week we’re discussing how we can learn to say no, long distance relationships, and confusing situationships.

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Welcome back, my little dialers. Look, little dialers is sticking because I've had a couple gigglers come up to me and say, hey, I'm a giggler and a little dialer, and it seems like people have made their decision. Yeah, the decision's made. I'm over here in Ireland. I got a traumatized Frye, little mini terrier slash whatever kind of dog he is. She is. And she misgenders her. She still hasn't. Well, you know, because her mother named her after Stephen Fry. So I think of

Stephen Fry and I get a male in my head and then Fry is female. So anyway. Even Frye. Is he on TikTok? He's not on TikTok. He's like a, he's a very famous British commentator guy, comedian. Anyway, Fry is next to me and she's traumatized because cultural difference between America and Ireland, they do fireworks on Halloween and Ireland. And the fireworks were out of control last night. So Frye hasn't recovered yet. Dogs are like, why is this happening? Why would they do this to us? I felt, I mean, it didn't, it didn't stop to like 1 a.m.

You know, I think it's crazy. We've done burner phone for so long and we haven't done an advice episode. I think because it was like too obvious in the beginning that obviously we wanted to give some fun advice, but we wanted to try more creative ideas. But now I'm like, let's get to it. What do the people need? What kind of unprofessional, strong opinions and advice can we throw out there to the little dialers?

and we got a lot this week, didn't we? Oh, yeah, we absolutely got a lot. You know, we did do an advice episode in the previous incarnation of this podcast. But are you ready for... Hi, Hannah and Des. I love you guys both. Thank you for making the podcast.

I listen to you guys every single week. I'm in sales and I have to be in the car, so it really helps me get through my week. So I really appreciate it. My question is probably more for Hannah. from one college athlete to another. As we know, the word no is not really a thing to us. Growing up, we didn't understand what the word no meant.

It wasn't an option for us. We didn't know how to use it until we graduated college. So, at the riping age of 33, holy shit, I just aged myself. At the riping age of 32, sometimes I still can't figure it out. My brain's not wired properly to say, No. So any advice for me? How are you navigating that? Is your brain still wired that way? And yeah, any notes? Okay. I'm feeling attacked. And we're starting strong. I, first of all, I love this girl. I want to hold you. I want to just make you feel better because I did cold

calling sales actually out of college because all you know is that like keep fighting keep working hard I'm going to outwork everyone and I have no boundaries does one thing he's helped me with or at least guided me is to tell me that I need to say no to more things but I'm an opportunist I'm always like how do I know when to say no my parents used to have to tell coaches to tell them you have to tell her when to stop or like her feet will bleed and like you're taught that this is a good thing But it's actually you kind of leaving yourself, shoot, you're betraying yourself when you don't say no to things you want to say no to. But the problem is it's hard to know what you, there's so many voices in your head. You don't know which voice is actually the right voice.

You have like your coaches, your parents. Let me ask you a question to tease this out a little bit because what is it about being a college athlete that leaves you with the inability to say no? Oh, good question, babe. Well, that's why I'm curious because I want to get to the bottom of it. When you're a college athlete, you're not good at saying no. And when this woman messaged in, I was like, wow, I didn't know that this might partially be connected to, you know, being an athlete. Well, when you're an athlete, your job is to be coachable.

So you have to trust your coach. And when they say jump, you don't go, do I want to jump? No, you just go how high. And when you're a college athlete, it means you're kind of at the top of your game. And then if you're on scholarship, you're not a human making decisions. You show up, you have a calendar. They tell you where you're going to be every day for the next 10 months. When's practice, once travel, when's footwork, when's weights, when's matches.

And you are not making decisions for yourself. You're literally like cattle and you go when you're told to, that's what being a good, you know, teammate and athlete is. It's not a, when you're two in your own, like, is this what I'm comfortable? with, then you get in your head and you don't perform well, am I nervous? Do I feel like this is a safe space for me? No, you just got to go. So then I started living my whole life like that where it's like, what do people need me to do? I'll do it. Oh, this will make other people happy? Fine, I'll do it. Can I ask you a question? Are all the self-care questions for yourself in that voice? Can you only express self-care in the, oh, is this okay for me?

it's funny that it's it's funny that you put on that voice for self-care you know it's my own that was my own misogyny coming out misogyny that it's like a girl being like are you okay oh right okay and that like men are tough um but yeah i do think that you one thing i learned because i'm obviously very you know result-oriented as an athlete you want to win you want to win what can i do to win if i do things too nice to myself than I'm being, you know, spoiled and selfish and I'm not working hard enough. It's, it's not healthy. So I've learned to tell myself that when you say no to things, you're actually more in your own alignment. And when you say no, it opens the door for other things. And that's where I was like, oh, so it's not black and white. Like if I say no, I lose an

opportunity. It actually can help put you in a better situation for where you want to be, which isn't like one plus one equals two. Yeah, but also, you know, you have to value yourself, you know. So like it's a mindset. And it's not a perfect, it's not a perfect equation, right? Like there's times where you should do things that you don't want to do professionally. And there are times where you have to say, I can't base all my decisions of the fear of what I might miss out if I say no, because I know that I don't have the time.

I won't be able to give myself to this thing completely or I think I'm worth more than this and I don't need to people please to say yes. So a lot of the times it comes with the maturity of valuing yourself, especially like in our job and you know, which is it's it's analogous to be honest to being an athlete. But in our job, there are times where you feel like if you say no to something that there will be nothing else, you know, there's like a fear of, of, you know, the person that is asking you to do this will never want to work with you again.

And that's a bad mindset. You're not doing things for the right reasons then. I try to put myself in other people's shoes where sometimes I think if I say no to things, people think I'm a bitch and stuff. But then I think when I've asked other people to do stuff and they say no, I almost respect them more. I'm like, oh, wow, like they're on their shit.

They know what they're capable of. They know. And I always respect them more. honestly like want to be friends with them more and it I think it happens that way in work too where you're like sorry this is I can't do this people actually respect it and I also think in relationships with dating when I would put boundaries and be like yeah that's not what I'm interested in I felt like stronger from it and more respected and I think saying no is not just in work but it is in relationships it is in friendships say no to everything you always bring it back

to anal. You always bring it back to anal. Anyway, that's a joke because I know we were having a serious conversation, but I felt, I love how you just sprung that on me. I felt, I felt, I felt a laughter obligation. But I, you know, I do, I just want to point out that that that's such an interesting thing that you said about sometimes I feel like if I say no, I'm being a bitch, which is crazy to think that you're more concerned about how you not doing something that you don't want to do would be insulting how that would affect somebody else rather than how it would affect yourself. And that is very down to self-care 101. Sometimes you have to look after yourself first. Wow. We're getting so deep on this first one, just opening up all my wounds, put some

salt on it. This is healthy. Because when I say, yeah, I know sometimes I can't control my happiness and I know that when I make other people happy, it makes me happy. So sometimes I will just focus on like, well, if I can't be happy, let's see if I can make people around me happy. And then as a result, you're still not happy because if, and it's not their fault. They're just, you know, throwing it out there because you're the one that's betraying yourself. No one else knows what you really need. And if you don't know what you need, that's okay too. I didn't know for a while.

But looking back in my whole life, the best things that have happened to me are when doors have closed in my face. Like when I said, no, I didn't want to continue playing tennis. that's when I got I moved back to New York and I got to like find this creative side to me like getting out of relationships has sometimes people love like the girlies when you get out of a relationship you glow the fuck up it's like leaving a job you always like level up I do love I love breakups I love losing jobs I think it's that always grows but for me I prefer when people do it to it's like I prefer if you break up with me than I break up with you get here. I have no idea. Honestly, you, you, are you breaking up with me? Sorry, I, I got completely lost. But I thought, you know, I think that's good. But the most important thing is it's okay, it's okay to say no. But obviously, it's, it's, it's just as important to, you know, to, to step back and go, you know, what, what is so important that I, I shouldn't say no? And what is

absolutely okay to say no, despite what I'm taking from this caller, this dialer, is that, there are times where she knows she should say no, but it's very uncomfortable for her to do that. And that's like, that's the learned behavior. That's breaking the habits of a lifetime. That can be hard. You almost have to just force yourself as an exercise to just do it. Yeah, because as an athlete, you really can turn off your mind and just do things and push past things because that's what makes a great athlete.

But does, we can't ignore the fact that you are truly spectacular at saying no to things and having you in my life and seeing how you respect yourself and your boundaries is actually pretty inspirational. Honestly, it gets easier to say no as you get older because you just actually just get like more tired and you just kind of, you also just kind of know like there's only so much energy that you have, you know? So you just not like there's too many times in my life where I have begrudgingly been doing something that I knew I shouldn't have said yes to and I jammed myself up, you know.

And there's nothing worse. There's nothing worse in the scenario where you say yes to too much stuff, which honestly part of the problem is saying yes is you often say yes, you know, in advance of things, not really paying attention to how much you've said yes to. When the time actually comes, you're sitting there really resentful for how much stuff you have to do and then you're miserable and you don't actually, you don't do it well and you begin, you can end up resenting the person that you said yes to. You don't need that stuff.

I always joke that future Hannah has so much energy. had in the future is a social butterfly she's out in these streets there they'll say something next week and i'm like absolutely good advice i got once was when someone asked you if you could do something in the future ask yourself would you want to do this tonight and if you don't feel like doing it that night you're not going to feel like doing it in two weeks from now even if your schedule's open and that was great advice so that was well covered well covered i felt yes yes great question great question i mean listen It was very relevant to both our lives, to be honest. All right, let's go.

Hey, guys. I am a college student, so I wanted your advice on long-decent relationship because I am with my girlfriend for like seven to eight months and we're long-distance, but we're having some problems in the long-distance relations. How do you keep the spark alive in the relationship after seven or eight months from long-distance? when we see it's as like once or twice a month maximum. Obviously, we don't know the details of this, how old they are, what's it, how far, that kind of stuff.

But I feel like long distance needs to have like a gold star, like, oh, when I finish college, I'll be moving to your state. Like it can't be just like up in the air or it gets kind of like, it gets a little boring. Indefinite long distance is, I think, impossible, you know? Yeah. It only works when it's a means to an end in terms of temporary long distance because you're better in your situation, but long term, you're committed to each other. But assuming that let's just put it in the context of it's quite a long period of time of long distance, but that they have some goal in the future, let's just give some long distance relationship advice. I mean, I've had a lot of long distance relationships.

I don't know about you. I had one in college. And in certain parts of your life, it's good because, like, if you're really busy, you know, it's nice to be able to not have to spend so much physical time with someone all the time and you could just have someone. I always do a phone call at night. I'll, like, barely text during the day sometimes. But, like, nighttime, there's always a call of a recap of the day.

If you're not FaceTime or you're calling, the texting starts to feel empty or, like, feels like work. So I'm fine with just like, at the end of the day, you do that nice call with a little phone sex, a little FaceTime sex, if you're feeling frisky. I think phone sex is a great way to remain close. Well, you know, FaceTime sex these days. I think in a true long distance relationship, that's kind of, that's kind of. Back in the day, you just had phone sex. Yeah, sorry. You had to be good with the adjectives. I apologize about the dog. That's fireworks are still going off. You know, you have to do stuff like that to feel close. And you also have to, it's very easy because your life happens when you're away, right? Like when you're in, when you're apart, like, you know, there's a sense of like it's very easy to forget about your partner. Not in a selfish way.

Just life happens, right? You don't have to get home and see your partner. So suddenly you're meeting up with your friends. You're doing the work that you need to do. And it's very easy for a whole day to go by. And you can't, at some stage of that. the day that both people have to feel like that you guys have set time aside for each other because once you allow once you stop doing that the distance will grow because it distance is

going to grow anyway when you're when you're long distance it's only natural you you will feel less close so you can't accelerate that by a suddenly feeling like there's it's an inconvenience to have to contact each other especially if there's like time difference and stuff like that also with with some therapy um this is still unprofessional i'm not therapist i have learned that some people tend to lean towards long distance like you know some people who are always in a long distance relationship and i'm like how have you found four boyfriends in a row who all happen to live in california and sometimes you don't realize it but you're like actually have a little bit of that like emotional intimacy like intimacy issues where you are afraid to like have someone see all

of you and be there with all of you and have to actually share a life with someone that you are attracting someone who also is kind of unavailable, whether it's distance or emotionally. So sometimes if this keeps happening to you, be aware of that and be like, oh, maybe I need to be more available emotionally and you'll start attracting more people in your vicinity because I've been guilty of that where I'm like, oh, perfect, I could just like text this hot person and feel fulfilled. it doesn't last long enough and it's not real fulfillment. But obviously there are times where you're going to, like me and you, we haven't seen each other for three weeks.

But I know you're coming back. We're going on the road together. I have things that I'm excited about. We're married. We are legally binded at this point. We did get a lawyer involved and a judge and we did throw a pretty big party for it. And also I think the other thing with long distance relationships is you have to try to avoid letting the frustration build.

Like, communication is almost more important in a long-distance relationship because if you let the frustration build, the distance will just explode, you know? So it's very important to express at all times any frustrations you have, any misgivings. And obviously, this is pretty obvious, but you have to actually be more expressive. You have to use your words to create, you have to use your words to create closeness, you know? And that can be hard for you. some people but that's why sometimes i don't like to text like everything i'm doing throughout the day like i'll say i can miss you funny photo but then at night you like save it so you can have that like

long discussion and like relationships really are just talking to someone for the rest of your life and having that banter um but also sometimes it's like just because you have good banter with someone and it can be kind of like a drug where when you see them you're on such a high and then they leave and you're just yearning for them and they come and it's this high but it's like sometimes that's not real because it's just this like idea of them in your head so i'm saying there's two parts some people they are the love of your life that you're struggling long long distance with but sometimes it's kind of this like made up thing in your head like i've dated people long distance sorry can i just interrupt you for a second this poor

guy was looking for advice and you're basically telling him he's not really in love no i'm throw look because he did not give us a lot of detail i'm throwing a lot of different scenarios i'm throwing a lot of different scenarios but my thing also i'm I'm very quick to be like, oh, we're struggling. Like, let's not do this. Like, if you're struggling too hard, I'm like, life is short, babe. I've been in a situation before where I did long distance for a while. And whenever we were together, it was like so awesome.

And then when we moved in together, I was like, who is this person? And, like, the vibes were, like, completely different. And I realized how a lot of it was kind of made up in my head of what I thought it was. was. So spending quality time together is really important for you to really know what you're signing up for. I know a lot of people who have been like, I'm in love with this guy. I met in Spainia during spring break. And then who goes there in spring break? But then they like finally date for four months together. And she's like, he's annoying. But anyway, to summarize, phone sex communication and

you know making sure you let each other know when things are bugging you yeah and also it is fun to do little exciting things like send her flowers and surprise her send her like Uber eats when she's sick or like if she's hungry like doing those little things is very fun and just yeah constant communication talk that talk wonderful let's go

let's go somewhere else that's that's a good a disparity of advice. Here we go. This is really down your street. Hey, Hannah and Des. Love you both. Love the pod.

So I need advice because I have been hooking up with the sky for about two months now. We met on a hookup app and it was very clearly just about sex at the beginning. But we've since been going on dates, spending all of time

together. And I'm definitely starting to catch feelings. I'm wondering at what point it's appropriate for me to say something because I don't want to scare him off. And I mean, as much as I would like for him to tell me he has feelings for me too, I also don't really want to stop hooking up with him just in case he doesn't have feelings for me, but I don't want to get hurt. And I feel like I'm kind of setting myself up for eventually getting hurt. So after two months of hooking up with someone, do you think it's appropriate to tell them that you're starting to catch feelings. And do you think I'm

being delusional? I would love your advice. What a truly incredible question because what makes it interesting is they met on a hookup app as in she was like, all I want to do is fuck. I just want to fuck and I'm not looking for a relationship. So this adds a little twist to it. And you're not being delusional, babe, you're perfect. I deal with stuff with humor where like if he's hanging out with you all the time clearly he's enjoying being with you i like the way um i got des to propose was i just started like sending him wedding rings i was just like we love each other we're getting married i was texting wedding rings all the time i think with this man you you start texting him wedding rings and you're like and if he gets weird you're like it's a joke Hannah it's a fucking joke

and and dialer this is also a joke what Hannah just said this is this is also a joke no but i could see myself literally start being like, okay, you're literally in love with me. Okay, you're obsessed with me. Babe, listen, I'd be like, okay, you're obsessed with me. He keeps me like, you want to hang out? I'm like, okay, you're obsessed with me. And you're, he thinks it's a joke, but you're subconsciously putting it into his head. And he's going to wake up in the morning and be like, I'm in love with her. Men are very simple. And you're not understanding this. You're not understanding this because that's your boy brain. Okay. Well, as it turns out, Boy brains when it comes to how men process information.

Sometimes they have a decent thing. You have to just, after two months, you have to let him know that you have feelings because if you think that he'll take a hike, it's better that he takes a hike. You don't want to stay in that situation if you're not getting back what you need at this stage. Okay, Des and I are finding out who's the toxic one in this relationship. Oh my God. Babe, that was so mature of you. Okay, I hear what you're saying. I don't think I personally have ever told anyone that I have feelings for them because I think feelings are like a two-way street where like you should never have to be like, are we a thing? And I know it's hard because he's clearly like, I met you on a dating app. But I think it starts to get to the point where like you kind of play that like, you like, you like me. Like, you like me. No, I mean.

You like me. And then he'll be like, I like you. And then I'm like, I like you. And then you're like, let's have babies. Hannah, but the thing is that she's expressing that she's reached the point where she has feelings and she doesn't know what's coming. She's unclear about what's coming back. Okay. Yeah, she's unclear about his feelings.

I don't know. Okay. I have issues and I've never said to someone, I have feelings for you. it either like we both have feelings for each other or it's not happening um i think you know what i mean well i like it's either i just know i just know that after two months when you've reached a point of the relationship where there's a there's a casual element to it that you're no longer 100% comfortable with because you you're you're emotionally connected to the guy you want to make sure that you're not wasting your time because she's concerned about

getting hurt and not only is she concerned about getting hurt she's she's so concerned about him not being into her that she's willing to not communicate what she really feels out of fear of driving him away which that I don't like that place for a person I think the truth is you should you should get out instead of like not saying your feelings but still hooking up because it'll just get worse and it is a waste of your time. And she, well, no, she expresses that, that she doesn't want to get hurt by just staying in it without, you know, truly being honest about how she feels. And the whole thing is, no, I was going to say that the whole thing of being afraid

that it will drive him away. It's better to drive him away now by being gently honest that you feel like we've gotten to a stage where maybe we need to just define a little bit more. more what's going on here. I personally don't think that's crazy at all. And in my... Also, do you like him or you just like him because he told you he doesn't want to date you?

Well, I mean, Hannah, we don't have... She's not there. We don't have the answer to that question. But as in, he's giving very, like, this is my hookup. This is a hookup. But look, I also think you don't have to be dorky with it. Like, you don't have to be like,

I have to tell you something. I like you. Like, it doesn't have to be there. that, like, abrupt, it could be a little more chill where it's like, I'm actually having fun not only when we're hooking up. Like, I enjoy being with you. And it's only been two months, so you're still on dopamine. So just let him know, like, I'm down to like, I mean, you're clearly hanging out anyway. What's wrong? What's wrong with the question of just like, like, what do you, where do you think we're at? Like, what do you think this is? And if he's like,

well, I'm just happy hooking up, at least then she's got a bit of clarity. or if he goes like, yeah, I don't know, I'm really into you too. I don't know what, you know, I don't know if we need to define it, but at least she gets something. You know, I don't think it's... A lot of girls feel like if you were to say to a guy two months in that you're unsure about, what is this? That's normally when it would be like, okay.

Yeah, I know, but if the guy goes okay and he leaves, then you just saved yourself a month of bullshit because that's not going to change. That's not going to change. That's the whole thing. That isn't going to change. and if you're no longer comfortable with just hooking up like if you know that you're past the point where the just hooking up part of this is all i want then you're you're into the diluting yourself phase if you're not communicating it you know what it is i'm bad with this because i never just like hooking up like i only like to hook up with people i have emotions for so she's already in it like has a a grasp on that where she can just hook up with guys and not have feelings for them so maybe she's She is clear like, oh, this guy's different.

But two months is very early. You still don't really know him. I'm like, you don't like him, girl. You don't like him. My personal thing, my personal feeling is that, you know him. My personal thing is that it's time enough to have very light, tiny conversation of, you know, where we're at.

You don't even have to throw definitions down. I think it's okay to be like, Yeah, don't throw definitions down. Like, where are we at? I would be like, I think I have a crush on you. I think that's what you should tell him. Say, I think I have a crush on you. I mean, when you're fucking, I think you're past the, I think I have a crush on your face.

No, because they were fucking with no emotion. So she's not saying I want you to be my boyfriend. You don't want to scare him off like that. But also, you shouldn't have to tip-y-toe with your words if the guys are right for you. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Don't tiptoe around it because you're only wasting your time. if you're yeah and and by the way your fears might be unfounded you know like true and if if they

turned out that they were right then good you know you you clear that up you don't want to fuck a guy who is like oh i'm not into you like that the sex will always be better with another dude that you're more in touch with and connected with so yeah you got to tell him that you've a crush on him what's going on communicate and the day number two communicate yeah i mean it's talk the talk little dialers you talk to us you talk to your partners we're all getting laid yeah i mean i think that's healthy you know and i'm also good for you i'm proud of you i'm proud of this girl for putting herself out there and meeting someone and having feelings congratulations you're human and you're putting yourself out there and you're doing your thing girl get it girlie um

let's do a lighthearted one hi hannah indez i'm a woman in the arts who is a spiral in my late 20s. Today in therapy, my therapist told me that I'm funny and asked if I've ever considered doing improv or stand-up comedy. Now that my mental illness is cured because my therapist told me how funny I am, what would your advice be to someone who's considering getting into comedy? Thanks. Oh my God.

Yes, butch, welcome to the mental ill class. of stand-up comedy I do think that for me I'm my happiest when I'm creating I'm my happiest when I'm finding the silly and the funny in things when I'm laughing in that moment it's it's the high for me when I'm making other people laugh and so this is just like finding a new hobby and I think it's like lean in if you're naturally like writing I would write some sketches I would write some bits. If you like performing, maybe on TikTok, start making some funny, you know, videos. And I think just start leaning into this side of you that sees the world through laughter

and through where is the funny and silly and goofy in this. And I'm excited for you. My personal opinion is because it's very exhilarating, I highly recommend that you just book an open mic somewhere because there's no real way to prepare. People are always, like, obsessed about the preparation for getting up on stage. But actually, the only way to prepare is to actually just get up because all the learning happens from being up there. So I would say, because what's the worst thing that can happen?

You get up on stage, you do one stand-up comedy gig and you realize it's the most frightening experience you never want to do it again. It'll still be one of the fun experiences of your life. So my advice would be find an open mic, book a spot, get up on stage, bring some friends, And you never know. It could change your life. I got forced on stage and it changed my life. Who forced you?

A comedian buddy of mine was like, kept saying you should try, you should try. And then eventually he was just like in two weeks time you're doing a spot. That's it. Wow. And then I caught the bug. So I would say, you know, just get on stage. Get your therapist. Take your therapist to an open mic.

Yes. It sounds like you're using your therapist as open mic and you're killing right now. So I love that for you. I also think you can sign up for like a stand-up class. There are like virtual ones. You could do an improv class. That's really fun if you want to be a little more like prepared. But does it right like just going on stage and sometimes the, you know when you're in a

conversation with someone or you're like, oh, I have to be funny and you find the funny. That's what you do in an open mic. And if you mess up, it's your first open mic. No one cares. Also, if things aren't landing, make fun of yourself for like not nailing jokes or like, being too dirty you're just like oh okay that was over the crowd's head like you just have to be kind of likable like you're talking to your friends at brunch i it's so funny she asked this because i had a vision because you know open mics are sometimes like very male dominated and i feel like there's

a lot of girls that might be wanting to get into stand-up comedy in the future and it could be hard for them to just like alone stumble into an open mic and feel like they can talk about stuff in front of like a bunch of male comics. And I was thinking of like doing like an open mic night where girls who were interested in starring stand-up comedy and I start like cultivating the future of female stand-up comedy in a female safe space. But I'm on the, that's how all the messianic complexes start right at this moment right here. Are you saying that I'm a cult starter right now? No, but I do think that the suggestion of doing improv class is also great because that's a huge social element too, you know? And

And it's a little less daunting. And the reason why I mentioned TikTok, even though TikTok obviously is more public, is that it's a safer environment sometimes instead of being like, oh, I'm going to go physically and be in a crowd and talking to mic, which is a freaking high and so much fun, you can start being like, oh, I want to post on TikTok, a couple hundred people might see it, and it could go viral. And the algorithm sends you to the right people sometimes, depending on what you're talking about, so the girlies see it.

So creating some funny videos, doing an open mic. doing it class go get a girl i think you should do it just do it i think a lot of people a lot of people have that regret in life that they thought about performing and they didn't do it i'm obsessed with osia i don't shut up about it if i'm gonna buy stuff for my skin i want to smell fucking amazing i want to feel like i'm at a spa in arizona getting the most incredible treatment but really i'm just in my you know, crappy apartment. But I feel gorgeous. I'm obsessed with Osea's new exfoliate and glow duo.

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Giggly Squad. Um, I have a little bit of a crazy situation. I would love it if you could disguise my voice if possible. Um, my dad decided to move his girlfriend of two months and her son into our house. Keep in mind, I'm 21 and in college, so I still live with him. But I worked for him and I quit my job, got a new one, and applied for an apartment. And got a lot. And I got it. Did I react rashly? Is this crazy? Am I crazy? I don't know, but love y'all. Thanks for the advice. Bye. Okay, I think this girl needs to hang out with the college athlete girl because this girl clearly knows boundaries. And I think you're not crazy. You feel in your gut that this is like too much for you to handle right now. and you're sensing some uneasiness. And I think instead of waiting for it to be a bad situation,

I mean, also you're 21, you were going to get out of your parents' house eventually anyway, and this seems like a good time. And you're kind of like, okay, dad, do what you want to do, but I don't really want to be in the middle of your possible, like, relationship mistakes. Yeah, I mean, I think, I think she did the right thing. I mean, this isn't really advice.

It's like, this is, this is more like, is basically like, is this, is this crazy? Yeah. And it sounds like someone has told her like you're crazy for doing this and they're not you. They know how you feel. No, I mean, I think you did the right thing because, I mean, whether or not your father is doing something wrong or right, at 21 years old, if your father brings in this new family dynamic into the house and you are not really in the mood to deal with it, what a great time to be motivated to to increase your own independence so yeah i'm very proud of her for being like i like

maybe she's been wanting to do this and this is the universe telling you like this is the time get your own place get your own job find your independence like you said and um but like also you don't have to add to the drama you can be like i fully support this i think this actually just like works out perfectly for me to get my own place and start my own career Yeah, and I think this is always, this is a tough dynamic. The two-month part is to me problematic, you know. I feel like that's a lot to impose upon your daughter. But at the same time, I know there are many situations where a parent meet somebody and then eventually they want to move in and some children can struggle with that. And maybe sometimes irrationally so, because obviously everyone has to have their own life. But in this situation, the two months makes me think that you're probably better off to just get out of there because that's just, that is a, in my opinion, it's a recipe for disaster. But it may not be, but you have no obligation to stick around for that. Once, by the way, you can afford the decisions that you've made.

I feel like it's, if people are telling you that it's dramatic, I feel like she's actually avoiding the potential for like insane drama of you being in a dysfunctional relationship. Did she say that people were telling you? her it was dramatic or you're just assuming that? No, but I'm assuming it by the way she's like, is this crazy? Like she's doubting her decision and I'm assuming maybe the dad was like, this is so dramatic. You don't have to leave. But he also probably wants to feel her support. And you can make it clear to him. Like I support you. I just think, you know, this might work out better for everyone. Listen, it's awkward. It's awkward when people have guests over. You know, it's awkward when like another family member has like friends staying over. So it's dumb. It's

doubly awkward when your father moves in his new girlfriend and their kid. That's awkward, so it's fine. But secondly, if I can't take a peaceful poop in my own house, I'm moving out. Amen. Secondly, this is like, this is like not a big deal. You don't need to be concerned at all because like moving out at your age and trying it, worst case scenario, you move home with your tail between your legs. That's not a big deal. Happens all the time. I think in every way, you know, it's a good idea. The only thing I will suggest, is to try to maintain a good relationship with your father. Now that you've created this space,

which will probably actually make it easier for you to maintain a good relationship with your father. The frustrations you would have had by staying may have actually ended up causing a rift. Now, let's do this. This is complicated. This one's complicated. Hey, Hannah, and Des.

So I could use your advice to figure out if I should break up with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We've lived together. I moved states to be with him earlier this. year, so it's a three-hour flight from family. And literally, everything is perfect about him. Wouldn't change a single thing as a partner. Like, he prioritizes me. His communication is the best I've ever had in a relationship. He's also sober, so he's done a lot of self-work. And literally just wouldn't change anything about him as a partner, but we have differing political views. And

it's like arguments always come up over these issues in the world. And we just, like, can't figure out a way to just, like, not talk about it. And then I also dislike his friends. Um, they suck. They make fun of people for no reason. And it's just negative energy to be around. But he's the perfect partner to me. So I'm like, can this work?

Okay. Dilemma. This is really good, really good dialer dilemma. Whenever people say I love him, but I don't love his friends, it makes me nervy. because at the end of the day I think that he's just like his friends like normally

like you know when a girl's like oh like all the guys are gross they all cheat on their significant others but not my man and it's like it always makes me nervous the people that he aligns himself with because you really become the five people

that you're closest with also using the word perfect is tough to because he's clearly not perfect and nothing no one's perfect nothing's perfect so i would take that out of the vocab to see it in the most like let's be honest religion and politics if i don't match up is difficult for me in like a serious relationship yeah it's this is this is this is a toughie because i have i have some friendships with people that voted for trump for example and it doesn't affect

our friendship, but I will not talk about politics with them. She's saying that they're struggling to not talk about it, which, you know, that's not a problem because what it means is that, you know, you're both passionate about it and it's something that is like in your relationship, and that will always be a point of conflict, you know? I mean, Kelly Ann Conway and George Conway they didn't make it yeah and obviously there is things like it's okay to have different political stances on things i love to like learn different things about people's experiences and politics i like to learn about different like religious stuff whatever but if it's like contention also sometimes i don't we don't know where people stand but if i feel like the guy i'm with

doesn't understand like women's rights that drives me insane and it makes you feel like unseen and like if he's such a good communicator but you guys can't communicate well about like the worlds and what's going on in the worlds maybe it's not what you thought it was this is also i'm toxic because the second you were like should i break up their boyfriend i said yes and whenever i feel like if someone's asking i feel like they want me to say that because like that's that's what they want to do yeah i just i feel like this one's just a little more complicated because she's expressing that she's expressing that there's a lot of ways she's also expressing that yeah he's great in many many ways their only issue is their political differences and i you know

she clearly thinks his friends are like a bit cruel like their sense of humor is a bit is a bit cruel you know and like that's a tough clash i would personally think that's something that you should monitor. I don't think that's something that you take immediate action on, but if it just gets to the point where it begins to outshine all the quote unquote perfect things that you talked about, then you have to, then you really have to take a look at it, you know. But you're right. In relationships, there are going to be difficulties and you want to decide like what is the difficulty that I can cope with. And if it's, you know, that kind of stuff and it doesn't get too but also like people grow people learn like maybe you'll see his side on some things maybe he'll see

your side but it sounds like you guys have tried this and it hasn't really worked the hardest breakups are ones where he is a good guy where he hasn't cheated on you where he's great but there's just something missing like and people don't talk enough about those kind of breakups because i think the media glorifies like she came home and he was in bed with another woman and it's like a lot of the time it's just like you're amazing you were great to date for a while but i don't know if i want to spend the rest of my life with you. I think that this is definitely, you know, you have a good relationship. You've moved three hours of flight away from your family.

And I think this would definitely not be a rash breakup. This would be a breakup where you should talk to like a relationship therapist before you broke up, only because I would assume that this is a point of conflict, a common point of conflict and I would think that a relationship therapist might have like some some more solid or certainly confident

advice than we would you know? Also I'm interested with what the mothers would think because I haven't experienced this but I know that once you have a kid it can add more tension if you're not aligned with like parenting and how is this going to affect kind of how you guide

the children and how they see the world so that is just like deeper stuff that I don't have experience with, but maybe some mothers could speak to. I mean, let's face it, she voted for Biden, he voted for Trump. We all know. We all know what's going on here. So, you know, but I, but I, you know, I do think that this is like, this is definitely one that you, you see a therapist before, before you break up. And I'm sure we'll have a lot of, the one thing I, the one thing I would love, like, I feel like this is one a lot of people have opinions on.

So don't be afraid to share with us your opinions on stuff. We will gladly have a recap next week. Because this is one of those ones where a lot of people are going to have opinions, I feel. So stay tuned for perhaps even more advice next week. Let's go to the next one. Oh, and one less thing. I also think it is easy to get in these situations because I've met people who like have

completely different religious and political views than me. But I'm like, he's tall, and I will be like, I don't care. And the next thing you know, you're like living with them, three kids. And you're like, I don't fucking agree with you about anything. So it's easy to get in this type of situation for sure. All right. Let's go with this. Hi, Hannah and Dez.

Giggler and Dialer here. I love the pod. I was just at Hannah's show in Columbus. I'm calling in to get advice on my love life, my career, just my life in general, all of the above. I just ended a six-year relationship, and I now have a house alone. I'm a teacher. I like my job.

I don't love my job, and I have been debating trying to get a job overseas and going to teach overseas. I don't know. I'm a tourist. We just had this eclipse. I feel like now it's my time. to do something crazy, ruin my life, turn my life upside down. I just need some advice.

I feel like this is a good one for you to take first. Oh, okay. Well, what do you think I'm going to say? Look, when I went to China, it changed my fucking life. And, you know, it might have not been ideal or the right time, but I never regret it once because I learned about other cultures. I learned about myself. And there's never a bad time to go and experience new things.

I mean, you nailed it on the head. But I think when you're young, I think she's young, she's young. She's just broken up with somebody. She has a job. She doesn't love her job, you know. So this is the ideal time to do that, to work abroad. I just can't see a negative, you know. Obviously, there's factors that we don't know in terms of like what the house she has on her

own if she owns it or whatever. But like just assuming that the only risk that she'll be taking is giving up a job that she doesn't love. As a teacher, I feel like you'll have plenty of opportunities when you come home. And I think that you will, your life will be a better life because you travel abroad, whether it's learning a language or you're just going to meet new people. It's just, it's absolute, it's essential. I think it's essential that you do it. And it's very rare that I would throw down such strong advice because obviously you just never know how it's going to affect people. But I've

never met anybody that regretted working abroad for a while. And I think she's right. She knows that this is a unique time in her life that she may never have again. She could meet someone tomorrow. She could have kids. She could find a job that if you leave, like

I feel like this is a beautiful thing. And call me a crazy hippie. Me and you are kind of crazy hippies. where obviously society tells us a way you should live your life. You know, we grew up with some parents in the 80s who were like, you get a job and you work it for 25 years and you get retired. But this is like social constructions of what people think you should do with your life. And I think it's very fun to be like, if there weren't all these rules,

and if my parents weren't asking me how my job's going every day, what would I want to do in this short life that we live? and I think you go a lot of it is like going with your gut just like how people are like should I break up with my boyfriend if someone asks me should I go travel that means you want to go travel girl get out there get your passport and do your thing I think that was a quick one but I I wanted to give my two cents on

And you're also so right as a teacher you have like all this talent and degrees and capability to help the future anywhere you go and then also like my mom's a teacher and then she eventually was like, I want to do other stuff. She became a principal. She did development stuff. There's so many different directions you can go.

If you can think it, you can do it. I recommend you make a lot of money teaching English in Korea. But, you know, whatever you decide to do, and I'm sure you've already thought about it from the way that you're talking. Let's go to the next one because we're going to be seeing an Instagram picture of a plane ticket pretty soon on that one. I think she's... You know, babe, we should do something about travel stories in the future. future. Wonderful. Oh, no. Let's do this one. This is a fun one. Okay. Here we go. Hi. Does and Hannah. I need some

sex advice. So I recently started seeing this guy and we've had sex now a couple of times, very early stages. And he's just like missing where the clitoris is. Like I think he thinks that like he's hidden it in all different like positions doing different things. And I think he's like hyped about it. But I'm just sitting there and laying there, like, no, it's not, not hidden, right? But I don't know how to say anything. So I would love to know, like, early on in a relationship, kind of how you adjust someone. And I hate when guys just, like, think that they're so good at something. And I just want to be like, you're actually not, but I don't even insult him. But, like, I need to look out for myself in my personal needs. So I would love to just know, like, how to approach

in the early stages without sounding insulting or mean. Yeah, please let a girl know. Love you guys. Favorite topic. What a great question. And I love that she's raising awareness. It's not just a joke. Some men really can't find the clit.

Either they don't care. They don't know. Another girl had it in a different place and they think it's there. I think you lean into like every girl's different. Viginas are complicated. This is normal. This is okay. this is how I like it

can I show you and it's also I feel like guys don't like to read your mind they actually love straight up instruction and I think you don't play it as like how could you not fucking found my clit it's more like actually you know what I really like when you do this over here

and when you feel this that means you're doing it well you just you have to tell guys because women there's just a lot more variation in terms of what a woman needs than what a man needs. I literally have jokes about it. It's like a very long routine that I have.

And it's not like it's up to the woman to say. And I really appreciate her concern because a lot of men are like sensitive about it. But like if you end up saying to the guy, listen, your hand needs to be here or your tongue needs to be here and he gets offended by it, then he's not really a guy

that you want to be with that much. At the end of the day, you have to get a man has to be comfortable with you telling you're doing him a favor because he's going to enjoy it more when you're actually enjoying it because I think sometimes just to advocate for men here a little bit sometimes women sort of make this assumption that men are like thinking that they're great but they're not actually communicating so the guy can't know I mean like some men there aren't wizards to know exactly what you like so it is important for you and he's trying to be

confident, you know, like he's not going in being like, oh, I don't know, like he's trying to, you know, have some swag. But from my days of doing the shift with Katie, I feel like a lot of women have had negative experiences of telling a guy so I can appreciate the hesitancy. But I think that any guy who responds negatively to you trying to help him out, I think that's a red flag anyway. So find out the red flag and get some more pleasure for yourself. it's definitely like to give a dog a bone like deal with that little bit of awkwardness to tell him how you

not like this is how you do it it's like this is how i like it and then if it works then you go oh my god you're so good at that and then next thing you know he's fine and he feels great and then he'll want to repeat it so like it's not it's it's literally just two people getting to know each other This is part of the process. And if he doesn't care to listen to you and your needs, that's going to be in other things in the relationship, too. And I'll get out of that, girly. Let's do one more. Okay.

Hi, Hannah and Dez, a huge fan of the show. I need some advice on how to make friends in your 30s. I just want to have a friend that I can gossip with, lie on the couch, and do nothing with, and be in silence because I have crippling social anxiety, but also someone who just would be down for like a glass of wine or I don't even fucking know. But yeah, what's your advice on making friends in your 30s? Thanks. Love y'all. welcome to the social anxiety club she actually you sound very cool very chill and I love her she's like I want a friend to not speak to them because I know exactly what she's talking about if she sounds similar to me where I when I say I want a friend like I don't need tons of friends I just need like one person

I really fuck with and I think leaning in towards like who you really are like if you're with a group of people or you're at work let them know like oh it's hard make your friends I have social anxiety I just want to chill. And when you put that energy out, those people will find you. So don't pretend to be like, oh, I'm fun. I'm a, I want to party. I like, like, lean into your social anxiety. Lean into the awkwardness.

And that's how you connect with people. Because when you force stuff, it's more difficult. But 30, you 30 people don't have time to just, like, go on friend dates and, like, try to meet all these new people. It's kind of, you just want to find that one person is, like, finding a person. boyfriend yeah i i i've said this before actually in a previous when we were doing that on burning in hell but you have to like you have to like join clubs you know you have to like you have to like do shit where you're stuck with people and it's just easier to connect with people in like a organized situation like whether it's yoga or golf or what i like honestly whatever you're

into like you have to kind of like step out of your comfort zone and like do it a group thing. I find that that's kind of like. Having and having a hobby that you have this enjoy like for example, I recently have a new friend and the reason I'm so close to her out of nowhere in my 30s is because we both played tennis. So like if we didn't have tennis, I would have never A ran into her or B felt feel as close as I do to her. So really lean into like what's something I really like to do because that'll already help you find people who are like a little more similar to you to be like real quality friends i think when you're younger it's so easy to be like oh you like to party i like to party we're besties and that's why there's a lot of like toxic

friendships in your 20s because like you're actually quite different people so in your 30s i totally agree i did like a volleyball league that was really fun i make a lot of friends now when like burning in hell helped me like it was like a coffee date to me because i would meet all these people because i'd be like come on my podcast so it really is you have to put yourself out there and then like honestly you sound like a really just like cool person be confident in yourself don't change for anything and with friends i really know like immediately like oh i fuck with this person and then it happens so quickly but it's true you have to take that effort to do those leagues and shit like it sounds cheesy but like book club like going to like a film festival if you're into film

pottery pottery pottery you know like it's impossible to say because we don't know what you're into dialer, but anything that you're into, find something that you can do in like a group setting and just put yourself out of your comfort zone and just do it. I guarantee you'll get a good result. Like Hannah and I have tons of friends in West Hampton that we literally met from playing beach volleyball that we didn't know before the pandemic. And these beach volleyball people, some of them I don't even know what they do for a living, but if I see them, I give them a huge hug we've been through so many intense games together we've had so many good laughs and you feel this like really beautiful connection they've come to your shows you know like we did not know

these people for the pandemic and like I would consider them very close friends and it's such good advice because in your 30s it's very hard to like just join a ready established friend group like that's it's straight you know and everyone has like their own inside jokes and you're like yes so stacey and you're like I don't know what we're talking about right now so create your own new squad and I do think it also helps your own happiness to get out of your own head when you have social anxiety to be like oh I'm not just here talking to people like we're playing a volleyball game we're like painting you know at paint class and I do think it's like remember the last time you had so many friends that was in school because you were forced to be there with people

in an organized setting so it's kind of like playing school again in your 30s and know that you're not alone and there are a lot of people like for example I'm married now so I feel myself leaning towards like when I meet another person who's married I'm like oh maybe we could do more similar things together so see what your situation is and and you'll find like-minded people they are out there and I love that you're you're manifesting it by putting it out there into the universe so I guess that's it we had a we're across oceans but we made it happen and I love giving advice to let us know in the reviews if you guys like the advice because we'll definitely do it more often and any ideas you guys have for call-ins.

We have a bunch. Keep an eye out on our Instagram for the prompt of the week. Hannah's going to be on the Drew Barramar show on November 3rd. Oh my gosh. I haven't even said this on Gigli Squad yet. Yes, I am going to be on the Drew Barrymore show. I don't know what time it airs, but it is on the third. And I also just announced new comedy dates.

I'm going to Charleston. I'm going to Troy, New York, Atlanta. Atlantic City, Saginaw, Michigan, Gary and Indiana, Cincinnati, Ohio, pre-sale code, comedy. Get it now. And also, because I need more subscribers on my YouTube because I'm going to be putting my special on YouTube. So if anyone is going to be interested in seeing my special, go to my YouTube, which is Des Buffer, actually.

Des Buffer is my YouTube. His YouTube's great, and he also has his documentary Breaking China. where he goes to China, learns stand-up comedy in Mandarin on his YouTube. That's right, six-part series. Yes. And, yeah, so that's it. We love you guys so much, my little dialers. I'm obsessed with all of you.

If you see us on the street, give us a holler. And we'll chat with you soon. Time to hang up. Bye. Bye. Thank you.