Berner Phone - Berner Phone #16: Biggest Irrational Fears

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

The little dialers are scared of everything from mayo to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to the DMV. You’ll have to find out if we validate your fears or laugh at them. 

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Welcome back to Burn a phone. Now you don't have to be alone. Hannah and Des are back on the mic. We're very excited about the topic today because it's about, fears that you shouldn't be fearful of what's something that scares you that other people aren't

scared of yeah now I have to say they came in kind of more as just fears I guess you know we don't want to yuck anybody's yum but I think it's it's always fascinated me when someone's like oh that scares me and you think you could talk someone out a bit like don't worry like airplanes are fine and they're like no i don't fuck with airplanes yeah but i don't i i feel like that that's like a that's not a legit that's a legit that's a legit fear that's going against uh that's going against all of you know human what what's normal for human like we're flying yeah um you know because there's there's there's i guess there's some phobias that came in um i

it's funny speaking with you i now realize a lot of people come up to me and tell me after my shows like their biggest fear is public speaking and I always respond and say it's funny because my biggest fear is like a dinner table situation where I don't know anyone but like talking in front of 2,000 people with a microphone is where I actually feel my most at peace because it's like there's rules you guys know what's happening I'm here to tell jokes you laugh this all can be. smooth if we all just follow the plan but you know public speaking is is uh it's listed as one of the great biggest fears and it's so and this this wasn't biggest fear yes this was fear of something that

you shouldn't be afraid of yes and there was a lot of people that sent in stuff that made sense fear wise yes but in terms of public speaking it's so funny because i feel like you either it's either your like biggest love or your biggest fear do you know that public speaking didn't come up once out of about 150 fears that we got See, that's crazy to me No, I think it, because I think that it didn't come in because I think people go That is something that makes sense to be afraid of

Yeah I think people really genuinely are afraid of public speech Why do you think we're not afraid of public speech? But do you know what came in a lot? What? Whales What? Exactly.

Numerous people sent in Wales Well, the ocean period I don't fuck with. Like, no one knows what's going on in the ocean. I'm not like, ooh, water, let's just jump in. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of water ones, but whales, I was shocked. A lot of people have an irrational fear of being swallowed up by a whale. See, the thing is, if I got swallowed up by a whale, I feel like I'd be chilling.

Like, there's a lot of room. There's probably air conditioning. It's spacious. If someone were to, if like a snake would eat me, that would be graphic and uncomfortable. Whales surprise me, though. Because I just feel like we don't encounter whales. Yeah, like a beluga whale is fucking cute. I made friends with a beluga whale at a young age.

You made friends with a beluga whale? At an aquarium. A beluga whale and I like hit it off. There was like tons of photos of me. And the beluga whale was like posing in photos with me. Like whenever I showed up, it would like follow me around. I'm telling you, I have this weird connection. Yeah, the beluga whale was like, can you try to free me please?

You look like a nice girl. Can you talk to somebody? Because I'm really not happy here. I feel like you could talk to a manager for me. you looked like somebody that can help them out but final thought on public speaking why do you think we're not afraid of public speaking no because we're performers i don't we just love attention yeah that's like i really feel like that's just like a personality type yeah you know from from from the day i i have awareness i liked you know performing being the same our biggest fear

is people not giving us attention yeah my biggest fear is not being able to speak Babe, we'd have to do interpretive dancing if that happened. If you can't speak. Oh, right, yeah. You'd be a... I would mime, yeah, I would be miming it. But actually, it's not...

It's actually not my biggest fear. So do you have any shows that you want to... I have... I do have some shows. I want to shout out. Charlotte, Raleigh, Raleigh, Raleigh. Reno, Atlantic City, Saginaw, Michigan, and Gary, Indiana,

West Virginia, and Montclair, New Jersey. Let's go, girls. Where in West Virginia? Um, a place. Oh, I put you on the spot because it's a whole state. Charlestown, I think. Okay. I don't know.

I just, it was something that I've never, I've never been to. So I just wrote West Virginia. Yes. And I definitely want to say that I just booked New Year's Eve in Chicago at the Den Theater. So if you're in Chicago, come to that and, uh, bring in the new year,

we can bring in the new year together. The Denient theater is the best. And then I'm in Tempe, a Tempe improv. Yes. That's getting close now. Yes. And then if you happen to be in Vegas, I'm in the Tempe Improv, the first weekend of January, 4th to the 6th, and then I'm immediately after that a whole week at the Comedy Cellar at the Rio in Vegas. Oh, fun.

Yes. And then for all Australian listeners, I am going to take me a mama to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. And hopefully one day I go to Australia, I really want to. Oh, yeah, it's essential. I mean, probably not going to work out on this trip. But I think you'll be able to do a full Australian tour. Let's start the callers. Let's get the little dialers on the line.

I am afraid of vacuum cords and obviously should not be, but the texture, ick, no. Big now. Okay. Not to sound and expose myself for how not domesticated I am, but I don't even know what a vacuum cord looks like. Well, the big thing about vacuum cords is that they usually have the button that they can go back in. They suck it back in. Yeah. Which I thought that's, she doesn't like the texture.

my fear of vacuum cords is like when you press some some vacuums are better than others right some some you press the button and like it doesn't go in you almost have to like feed it back in yourself but some you pull the button and the thing fucking whips back and you feel like it could like slice your leg off as the as the actual cord bit yeah especially if the cord's long and it gets some momentum as it's coming back like a whip yeah like it like it suddenly like wraps around your leg like an action movie and like it pulls you next thing you're living in a vacuum bag a weird rodeo. No, it's just you in the dust.

I could totally, I'd be more afraid of a vacuum bag than the vacuum wire. But sometimes people are weird with like, not weird, we're not, you're on, but like, with snakes, like, maybe it reminds her of a snake, but like, how is the texture of a vacuum thing different than any other wires? I mean, I, I, I don't, I'm, I don't get the texture part. I just, maybe it's a particular vacuum she's thinking of. Yeah. But I, I do get, I do get fear of the.

the recoiling. You know, those like old school fans that's like, I mean, I guess it's a fan and then it's like covered around it, but like I always had an intrusive thought to just put my finger in it. Oh, yeah. I mean, when I was a kid, I had a lot of fan fears. Actually, a fan one came in, but I had, I always thought that I would get my finger chapped off by a fan.

Also, because your parents were always, don't go near that fan. Meanwhile, you're a kid like sitting behind the fan going like, ha-ah-ha-ha, you know, because did you speak through fans? Yeah, I think also if there's a fan in the room, suddenly you're like, this is my favorite thing ever, this is my toy for the rest of the day. So did you guys speak through fans to have it mess up your voice? I think, I don't know if that was like the number one fan activity I had. Yeah. I just know that there was always a fan.

It's like, don't go near the fan. So then obviously you had to go near the fan. Yeah. And then the cheap plastic ones like eventually like bits of the plastic would break. Yes. So then it was even less safe. But you know what's crazy? When you get older, you realize that you could put your hand right in there.

Just fucking stop. Oh, it stops? The plastic, yeah, the plastic ones. Obviously, those big steel ones, you know, like the ones that stand up that are being like a public school auditorium. Oh, yeah. Those were fucking death traps. The public school auditorium fan was no joke, man. Oh, my God.

And it just smelled of rust. Like, you can literally get, what's it called, tetanus just from looking at it. Yeah, and nowadays, nowadays I actually play. the sound of a of a big fan on my phone to help me go to sleep because i do like that sound people pay a lot of money for those apps yes but we didn't have air conditioning growing up so my mother was very against air conditioning so every room had a fan you know let's just blow around the hot air every room had one of those shitty fans yeah we know i'd no air i'd no air condition i guess shitty fans were the first white noise and they didn't get enough credit yeah they really

didn't who knew you know they walked so those apps could run hey hannah hey des so something that i am scared of that i probably shouldn't be are squirrels they're basically suburban rats and they have big bushy tails and i don't know they get in those freeze positions and then they just stare at you and you're unsure they're going to either attack you or run away i don't know when i was a kid i used to run away from them every time I saw one and I just don't fuck with them. I just don't like them. They're just hairy rats. Sorry. They just, they are. They are. Anyway, love you both. Love your podcast. Love you, baby. Suburban rats is hilarious. I now remembered a bit that I stopped doing. Yeah, that's why I left it in. I need to start doing that bit again. It was funny. I was,

I was using it. I was trying to develop that for you when I was in Ireland. It was, you know, about pretty privilege how a lot of people think squirrels are cute just because they you know used a dice and air wrap on their tail um you used to say um squirrels are pretty privileged because they're just a rat with a blowout yes they're a rat with a blowout yes a rat that founded dyson air wrap and i don't know how yeah that's what i used thank you i forgot we have such a better memory than me oh right yeah no because i was i was and then i was saying a moth is a butterfly is a moth that went to sephora yeah you should bring that back yeah i don't know why but because i also was like pretty privilege is like

when a butterfly hits a light you're heartbroken but if a moth hits the light you're like good you dumb as bitch yeah it was it was it was the way it was meant to end yeah but squirrels when i heard that a squirrel could have rabies that was like a thing going around new york like oh this squirrel had rabies and it like clawed someone yes whenever you see a squirrel that's like doing non-squarelly things like recently we saw a squirrel that was like a little too close to us and was like jumping on the fence and I was like okay rabies rabies was like a thing our parents there was way too much fear of rabies in our youth because there's not a lot of rabies because then there was a thing that like the raccoons were rabid

yeah and then also they do have beady eyes I think you got a thing of beady eyes I mean I don't trust people who don't have like pupils I don't like the just like fake eye so I have to say that there's a lot of rats in New York City and what I have done is I have just kind of like embrace the rats and I just kind of like I've put them into a place of like their squirrels when I see a rat I'm always like you know I just I basically just go it's a cute little animal yeah I my mom and I will be walking across the city this happened many times where a rat there's a lot of rats just like walk runs across and it'll hit my foot like I'll feel it on my foot and I'll need like at least 10 minutes just to calm down from that that's crazy like the squirrels

don't ever touch you the rats will touch you but I do think again like if you see a mouse you're like oh my god it's so cute and then a rat is big and it has its little worm tail yes but these are it's pretty privilege it's definitely pretty privilege because the rats but the thing with the rats is the fact that they can survive things like cockroaches freaks me out too and I hate a cockroach I don't like the little arms. If there's more than, like, I don't want to, you know, judge people for more than, for too many limbs. But, like, if there are too many limbs, I don't fuck with it. Yeah.

And when a cockroach has, like, a body, I don't like killing it. Oh, when it's too much? Yeah, like, when you, like, it's flesh. You can feel it. Yeah, like, I can't kill a cockroach. Like a waterbug? You can't kill a waterbug? I don't like killing animals in general or insects.

I'll get other people to do it for me. Do my killing for me. But, yo, a cockroach, I think once someone killed it and, like, there's blood, like, it's, it's like a human, oh, it was like a murder, murder scene. Exterminators are contract killers. Yeah. So, okay, let's, let's try this. Hi, Des. Hi, Hannah.

Love the pod. Love you both. So the thing that I'm afraid of that I shouldn't be is being the last person awake in the house. So the thinking behind this is that if somebody breaks into the house to murder us, you know, I would be the only one that was awake and, like, aware that they were going to kill us. So I would live through this trauma of being aware that we're going to be murdered, whereas the rest of the people in the house would be blissfully asleep, and they would just be murdered in their sleep, and they wouldn't know.

Also, I should note that I live in Canada, so we have, like, less than a thousand homicides a year in the whole country, so it's not really a realistic thing to be scared of being murdered in your house. But I'm still terrified. Thanks. Bye. I mean, my friend, I'd run to wake you up. I'm like, I'm not dealing with this alone. Um, yeah.

I mean, I, I understand the, when I was younger, being downstairs when everybody was upstairs, I, I did definitely not like to be the, the first port of defense. Yeah. I told a story on Giggly Squad, how my dad's aunt was in the house and she could hear that someone was upstairs and she knew that she was upstairs and she knew that she was. alone in Brooklyn and she walked upstairs and the guy was just like I'm sorry I thought no one was here I'm gonna leave and he walked out oh I woke up to an intruder oh I never told you that no oh yeah cork street in Dublin back way back in the day like late 90s and the guys that I live with went away they went to like tanneree for something and for some reason I can't remember I slept up I slept in not my normal bedroom there was like a reason so I was on like the the second

floor of this like it was like a weird townhouse type thing and i knew nobody was there and next thing i heard stairs and i was like if my door opens there's somebody in the fucking house and lo and behold somebody starts walking into my bedroom and i was like motherfucker get the fuck like i like i went crazy and i jumped up and i started chasing them and then when i was like down one flight of stairs the voice went get back get back like you know and then i froze because then i was then You could have a weapon. Well, also, just the reality, like, it was all, like, immediate, like, craziness. Yes.

And then. Why was it going to your bedroom? Because they were, they told nobody was there. They were robbing the house. Yeah. They were literally robbing the house. They didn't think anybody was there. And so I ran downstairs and, you know, the door.

I had, it was partially my fault. I had latched the door incorrectly. And when I got downstairs, you know, when I eventually, so what happened was I grabbed the golf club and after, like, five minutes of, like, being. paralyzed with fear, I just was like, I came down like shouting, but they were well gone. And then I called the cops. Yeah, I think they must have seen people leave your house. Because I think they track a lot of houses and they assumed that it was empty. I actually think in this situation, I think it was because the type of door. So what happens is sometimes these thieves, like,

they become familiar with like a type of door. Oh, yeah. So they know that like this type of door sometimes people forget to like latch it. So I think they were probably just, well, he was definitely He was probably just checking the latches. So you freeze. But they did rob. I can't remember what they took. It was a long time ago. But they got a few.

I don't love that you freeze in these kind of situations because you're supposed to protect me. Well, I, I, I, it's not about you. My favorite story you ever told, though, is when did you say that someone, police showed up? Because they thought, because it was so messy, that story. or someone came into like no the story was that coincidentally enough also a bad latch on the door in uh in the south circular road i i i just sold this house last year and uh why you you can't you it's not that it's not gonna you're you're you're building it up too much funny sorry you're building up too much so um i i i uh went to bed but unbeknownst to me i did not close the door properly

and it was literally open. My front door was open. So at like 1 a.m., the police, so, I mean, whatever. I'm pretty, I'm relatively well known in Ireland. So, like, the police are aware that I live there. And, like, I've always lived in Rialto.

It's not a great neighborhood. I've always lived there. So they, I think they were, like, aware of my house. And I had been robbed before. Anyway, long story short, I woke up to the sound of people coming up to stairs again. So I was like, here we go with this shit again. and uh lo and behold these fucking cops walk out i was like oh you know like like i woke up

with a startle and like oh it's the police it's the police your door was open and i was like oh shit i was like oh i must have like accidentally you know i so like they said they said yeah when we came in there was shit all over the place that we thought the house was being robbed and i was like nah i'm just i'm just messy i'm just a fucking slob so anyway did you say someone went into rob you but because it was so messy they thought that someone robbed you already no no that was is that what you were laughing at you were laughing at the story that wasn't didn't you had like money on the ground once a separate story that was a different that was literally a different incident of a robber yeah we got robbed that was an actual theft yeah i wasn't there i was in new york yeah but you know

there was a bag of money on i i so i had done a fundraiser for the ralto uh youth club you know like youth drama right so they're like a youth theater group and uh but it was just a small little comedy game it was cash it was very low key and uh i think i had like two and a half for three grand in a literally in a brown paper bag and i kind of forgot i guess i got home that night put it down in the ground i was like fell sleeping the couch went back to new york house gets robbed and uh the cops come carl was there car was living with me at the time and uh the cops come and uh they're like doing a swoop at a house. Carl's computer had been robbed. Like, real stuff had been robbed. And then

the cops find, like, they pick up the bag, and they're like, there's a bag of money here. And Carl was like, oh, I guess that's desks. But, like, because we're such slobs, like, they would never think that there's, like, a bag of money

on the living room floor. They left the $3,000 on the floor. Yeah, left a bag of money on the floor. So if you're, like, working really hard to, like, hide money under your bed, just put it in the middle of the kitchen, no one will know on the floor. Just like leave it next to like, you know, a half, a half a loaf of bread, you know? That is so fucking funny.

I think it's not as funny as your reaction, but that's fine. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope the listener does too. This is one that really took me by surprise. Okay. So the one thing that I am scared of that I should not be scared of is the Fresh Prince of Beller theme song. Don't ask me. I don't know.

I don't like it when it comes on. I'm scared of it. I don't know what it is. West Philadelphia, born and race. So anyway, that was, it was great to get a contribution from Chris Rock. I do understand being scared of sounds. Like, you have mesothelioma. I'm scared of, like, in a horror movie when there's the little kids going,

la la la la, la, la. That scares me. Fresh Prince of Bella rap. That is hilarious. Very specific. I wanted to share that. Well, something may be triggering happened when it was playing once. And it's such a benevolent song.

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my anxiety goes through the roof before walking into one of these places, like the DMV. Because what if I go to the wrong place first? Then everyone's going to look at me. wonder why I didn't know where to go. The workers are going to start yelling and pointing and making a really big deal out of it. And then anybody who wasn't already looking at me is going to start looking at me. Terrifying. This girlie is me and I am her.

And the thing is, it's not an out-of-pocket fear. Like, it's because I've been in these places every time. It's almost like you have to go against the grain. And like it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. that you're going to get yelled at. And you have to take a ticket. Yeah. You know,

and you have to take a ticket. Yeah. You're like, you're waiting for your number to be called, but you're like unsure. Yeah, or like I get to the front and they're like, why don't you have this document?

And I'm like, where does it say I need that document? If it's not completely laid out for me, I'm not going to figure it out. But the DMV love telling you you don't have everything you need. Yeah, they like get off on it.

Like they love it. But I also, even the airport, like, they'll be like, did you fill out the sheet? And I'm like, Unless there's a huge sign that says fill out the sheet, I'm not going to fill out the sheet. But here's the thing, like, you go to the DMV and they, all this fucking bullshit, right, of like nonsensical paperwork you need. Yet now you go to the airport, you put your eyes against the screen and they know everything about you.

It's like, why can't we update all admin? I mean, the new generation is very down with that. You know, it should just be like you walk up, they look at your eyes and they're like, here's your license and registration. I'm also, maybe I'm a little bit rebellious where, like, they'll give me a paper and they're like, if you lose this paper, you won't be able to do anything. And I'm like, that's an insane thing to tell me. And now I need to lose the paper to show that this is a stupid way to go about things. And it just fucks me over. Why do we still have passports?

These are, I have a bazillion questions. Because whenever I mess up, I don't always go, Hannah, you should have remembered that. I go, why is this system in place that I could mess up this badly? like that I could be in this much trouble from like leaving a passport like why do I still need a passport when you're I'm literally walking up to the global entry line I they see my face and then I literally if you notice this now you walk up to the passport thing and they go oh hi Desmond yes like you haven't handed them a document no they know it's you already yeah yeah why do we still need because this is the thing I don't it's not that I don't take accountability it's

that I don't believe in some of the systems that I think are like antiquated Like people are always like, oh, the big brother's watching, everything's, you know, they know everything about us now. But it's like, yeah, but no admin. Yeah. You're sacrificing your freedom for admin. We might all have chips. I'm pro chip. Put a chip in me so I don't have to remember anything.

Put a chip in me. Like just chip me up. And like when I get lost, someone will find me and be like, return me home. Yeah. Hannah doesn't have any tattoos, but by the time she's 60, she's just going to be covered in chips. It's like, so like, so that they can scan. It's like, oh, the fifth, fifth driving test. Oh, just, just chip me. Okay. I literally had a nightmare. If you guys already know, I had a driver's license. It expired. Then I failed my test. I am, that's my biggest fear. I am so scared of a driving

test. Like I thought about it yesterday. The idea of making you drive me somewhere, waiting in line to get in the car with the person they hate you. Like, they always hate you. And they're they're like trying to mess you up they'll be like take a right like last second you're like oh like they're trying to mess you up and like i they're really don't know they're really trying to mess me up and they're doing everything they're so judgy like they're just sitting there watching you and like there's so many things that could go wrong like god forbid i like break a little too fast or like i go a little over the orange line or yellow line or whatever the fuck it is so like the whole time it's like god god god forbid you should you should break the speed limit on your driving test Okay, I didn't, I didn't know. Again, there was no sign that said the speed limit was 25, so I just started to go. So yeah, I have a real fear of that test. And it's also because I've had...

Did you ever tell the full driving test story? I don't know, but it started off when I first, I failed it at first. Then when I got it, as I, um, finished and pulled into, I hit the curb and my... You'd already passed. And I already passed. And my dad was like, do not pass her. like society's not safe and the lady was like i already passed her and i was like a win is a win a win but i had no confidence because my dad was like you did not deserve to pass that

and then i i shouldn't have even gotten it anyway i never drive and then it expired over covid and then i took it didn't just expire it expired more than two years which is why you had to retake the test that that's yeah and i didn't click a button all i do is click a button which again. Admin. Admin. That's like why would I have to, so I have to retake the whole test and retramatize myself eight times and for the rest of my life because I didn't click a button that no one told me about. I didn't get an email. I'm sure at some stage you got a letter saying that your license is expired. You think I checked the mail? Send me a fucking email and make sure it's in red lettering because most emails I don't read. You had to retake the test and. Yeah, I didn't even

get to the parallel park and they were like turn around. I missed the turn because they were like turn up here So I thought they meant the light But apparently they met the turn before the light But I thought they meant the light And it was a miscommunication And also I didn't deserve to pass it Because I know I knew what I was doing

Also you know what's really fucking difficult Voting Like the logistics of voting I know they probably make it difficult Because they're trying to like Make sure the dummies don't vote And like there has been a year or two Where I barely voted

because I've moved apartments like every year since I've been in New York and the whole like different borough thing. Like I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do. Yeah. Well, they, you know, there's a lot of, that's controversial. That's political controversy. Yeah. Literally they should just send you a link and go, who do you want to vote for? Again, another thing is like, I get it because you're concerned about voter fraud, but but there has to be a more modern way to vote.

But anyway, whatever. Anyway, anything that takes more than three steps. is a conspiracy theory. So thank you very much for that contribution, complicated lines, person. That was really good. A lot of people don't like mayonnaise. Okay, so I have an insane fear of mayo. When I was younger, me and my brothers all got lice,

and my brother had a insane, like, jufro super big. So the lights was just jumping out of there, like a bungee trampoline. And my mom read online that maybe Mayo could get it out. And so we had mayo in our hair. for so long and now I cannot even hear look at mayo but here's the thing like I know mayo isn't spicy mayo like will I still continue to order spicy mayo yes because I don't make it and I don't see the mayo going into it wait that is so funny because she's like look I am going to still enjoy my sushi with my spicy mayo but it's the thing when it's combined with other things it becomes a

new thing so don't even worry about that a lot of people hate mayo a lot of mail we got a lot of mail see I'm a mayo lover. Like, I want mayo. I'll do my fries and mayo. I'll put it in my cheeseburger. It, like, it's like sour cream to enchiladas for sandwiches. Like, it adds that, like, creaminess that I want.

Yeah. I mean, listen, we were sent to school with mayonnaise and cheese. That was literally a sandwich. Oh, that's disgusting. Yeah, that was my lunch. See, that's too creamy. Half of my childhood, mayonnaise and cheese on Wonderbread. They didn't put a ham in it? No. They being my mother. Why not? Just, mayonnaise and

Geez, that was just what it was. Wait, that's disgusting. I know, but that's, that girl right now is having a full, like, freak out. But here's the thing. Like, I remember I puked because I, oh, people are afraid of puking. Oh, that kid, yes. Actually, I didn't put one, but there was a lot of puking. Yeah, I have a huge fear of puking.

Oh, you, you do? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't have, I don't have, just scaredy little bitch. I don't have a fear of puking, but I just, in the sort of 10 seconds leading up to the puke, I think the concept of puking is. the worst thing ever, but then once the puking is done, it's like, oh, thank God, that's over. Yeah, I think that's normal, but like, I can't see someone else puke. Like, if I see

they're about to puke, I need to leave the house. Like, I can't be around it. If someone's puking, it's disgusting. Really? Well, how did you, how did you, I mean, I think people are probably getting sick thinking about this now, right? Yeah. I mean, there's a whole thing that I think I told us starring Giggly Squad when we had a tennis, we had to run a mile, and some girl was in the bathroom after my coach was like where is she and i'm like i'll go get her she was puking so and i started puking and then all the girls started coming in and we all were puking in the bathroom for like half an hour and we bonded us forever yeah um isn't it amazing that like you know when you're puking and it's like the in between pukes it's like it's always quicker than you think you think like

am i a call oh here coming you know but then it's so great when you finally go like i think that's it well the thing is once you're so afraid of doing it but once you start you're like more. Yeah. Give me more. Get it all out. Get this shit out. Come on.

Oh, my God. I want to peep just talking about it. Oh, is it too much? Are we putting on this? I do know, but I did eat too much popcorn once in a Star Wars movie when I was like seven. I think, I don't know what happened. I just ate so fast.

And I couldn't even smell popcorn for like years. So I understand how like overdoing anything. Even if you work at like an ice cream shop and you're always, you could like the smell of ice cream could start turning there. Did you ever get food poisoning? Yeah, but never from anything specific. Oh yeah, I got food poisoning in China in 2004. From what?

Food. And I puked so much. Have you ever puked to the point where there's nothing left to puke? Yeah. Yeah. I did have a Thanksgiving puke, actually, to just be a little, you know, holiday. Holiday-ish. Holiday edition.

I puked one of those where, like, it was coming out both ends. Oh, yeah. I didn't want to say that because I wanted to go one episode without talking about poop. Oh, yeah. We can talk about poop, but not poop. It was like you had to keep going back and forth and back and forth. And that was kind of fun. Yeah, that's hard.

It's hard to get the timing right. It's very stressful. It's like a porno. Yeah. It's like, it's like on your knees. Both holes. Both holes. It's like doing, what's that exercise where, what's that very popular exercise where you're like down?

A hit workout? Oh, burpees. Yeah. It's like a burpee. Okay. That turned. Here we. go, this is, all right, so this one came up a lot. I identify. Hi, Hannah and Des, love you guys. Something

I'm scared of and probably shouldn't be is that unbeknownst to me, there's a warrant out for my arrest and I find out at the most embarrassing time or in the most embarrassing way. I'm a therapist in private practice, which is cool because I always wanted to be a therapist, but also not so cool because it means I'm a business owner and I'm expected to like know how to do taxes and do a shit ton of admin. I'm a sleepy, bed-loving girlie with the attention. to detail when it comes to admin of a squirrel. So there's simply no way that there isn't some crucial sign this or you're going straight to jail IRS document that I haven't missed come across my desk. I'd say for like every eight out of ten decisions I make, this thought

is my follow-up thought. Example, my car leases up. I was test driving cars the other day and part of me wanted to reward myself with something nice, but all I could think was, okay, but how embarrassing if you're arrested for tax evasion and the headline has a picture of you driving this car you thought you could afford. I don't know who I think I am that I think my accidental I'm in related downfall would be in a newspaper, the headline. But here we are, and that's what I'm scared of. This girl is Paige, if Paige was smart. She wrote it down.

I left it, because I got a lot of jail, we got a lot of jail fear. But the reason I left this one is because I think she wrote it down. I love the preparation. She wanted to hit every point. Yeah, I loved it. No, but I'm saying she was Paige because she's sleepy. She's scared of jail and scared of tax evasion and does not want to be publicly, you know, embarrassed um but she used some big words in it and she's a therapist and page doesn't page famously will

not tell her therapist anything about herself and she's like figure it out um no this is so funny this i did have an embarrassing moment similar to this not with the law but long start short i got hit by a car in college my senior year and then went to new york city and i didn't know that i was getting hospital bills, oh, full circle, mailed to my old apartment in Wisconsin. So I didn't know this was happening. And I go, and I also was like, there was like a lawsuit involved because I was hit by a car that I made no money from. But I go to get my first credit card and the lady's like so nice.

And she's like, yay, your first credit card. And she turns to me and she's like, you didn't get approved. And I was like, what? and she's like, you are, like, in debt and, like, have whatever, I don't know that. You had a judgment against you. Yeah, because apparently there were, like, thousands of dollars of bills that I hadn't paid that I didn't even know because it went to my old Wisconsin address. And literally, she just was like, sorry, you don't get a credit card.

And it was, like, very embarrassing. I called my mom. I cried. And then I had to, for, like, three years to get my credit score back. Wow. Yeah. so I also get the like jail nightmares do you ever get those I never get jail nightmares I always think if I did go to jail knock on wood that I would get super fit and meditate a lot yeah I always think

that I would be beaten to a pulp you would yeah so you don't think you'd be like the leader but it's also weird whatever I have like a jail like dream I always think oh i i you know i knew this was coming like in the back of my you know well i think it's more like if you're so scared of it you then try to expect it and be like it's going to happen and i'll deal with it you know like you're leaning in yeah i also it's different with women in jail like i'm just going to get my pussy in the whole time like i'm i feel like i'm going to do well in jail yeah but a lot of a lot of jail fear like like a lot of messages came in with fears of going to jail Well, also, we've been watching all these documentaries of people that have false confessions

or that they get, you know, wrongly accused of a murder, wrong place, wrong time. But yeah, I'm like, I've always been kind of a goody two shoes, so I don't think jail is in my future, knock on wood. But I did also have a tax audit, and I passed. Wow. But that was stressful. That was stressful, though. I know some of my friends who've had it like multiple times.

It's almost like you get in an algorithm or something. Or something you're doing is like trigger. I mean, I could totally see myself going to jail because like I forgot to like send in something. I famously, when I first was doing my taxes, or filling out like a W9 or something for my first ever job, it asks like, do you want to pay like city taxes or state taxes? And I was like, no.

Like I thought they were just like asking like, do you want to pay it? I'd rather not. So then after I paid my taxes, they were like, you owe seven grand of like federal taxes. And I was like, what?

And they're like, you didn't check the right box. And I'm like, how was I supposed to know that I like, if I need to do it, why would they ask me if I don't want to or don't? That's why you get an accountant? Like,

why is there an option if you have to do it? I'll tell you one thing, man. When you get audited, that's the moment you realize that like, that every, like everything is on record. somewhere well this came up as you know hi hannah does love you both just saw you guys in new

Orleans you were amazing best night ever um something that i'm scared of that i really shouldn't be is birds i am terrified of birds everything about them i think they're just out to get me it reminds me of craig you know his theory that birds are fake and by the government and everything but not even that I just genuinely think that like they're going to get me and like there's always these crows whenever I'm on my walk my lunch walk my hot girl walk and they're just staring at me and they know something that I don't know like it just freaks me out like I I can't even explain it anyways love you guys first of all the New Orleans show was wild oh that's right that was it was a Wednesday night and this crowd was lit it was like a Wednesday 7 p.m. show and they

were going berserk we had so much fun thank you for coming um I got a bunch of DMs about birds this the thing I grew up in a pigeon place you know and pigeons are very chill they can barely fly they're always just chilling occasionally they'll like walk across but they're so pigeon and they're plump um they're not aggressive they're not aggressive I want And then if you see like a cardinal or a blue jay, everyone's like, oh, how beautiful. So I think I didn't grow up in a place with like crows. Once I saw an eagle on a golf course and I thought it was coming for me. Yeah.

The only aggressive birds I've dealt with is here in West Hampton in around May. I guess there's some, there's some egg protection going on. And some sort of tiny gull, some sort of bird literally will swoop on you. Like you have to, I always like spin my towel around my head. Was there a movie where like the, birds attack someone? Well, no, there's Alfred Hitchcock, the birds. Yes. Which honestly, I

think that fuck people up. I, I do. I think that Jaws fucked up people with sharks and I think Alfred Hitchcock, the birds. I mean, I remember watching the birds. I think sharks did it to themselves. I think sharks were scary before Jaws. I, honestly, I think there's a lot of studies about how jaws affected people's

opinions of sharks. Yeah. Basically, Jaws made people really think that there was more killers that there was no but there was more of a presence more of a reason to be afraid of them yeah than there actually is yeah um but i remember after watching the birds when i was a kid like every time i saw birds because you get birds out here on the it's always birds on the on the wire would always freak me out i'd be like oh shit like they're planning something yeah because that's what they did in the birds but i think that's cute i think they're having a

little like gossip sash they're like talking shit about the pigeons i did you watch Watch the birds when you were a kid? No. But a lot of people message in about birds. It's very interesting. Because in general, birds don't cause problems. Yeah, they don't cause... Other than seagulls, seagulls are aggressive.

Yeah, but they're kind of funny. Yeah, but in Ireland, they're very aggressive. Yeah, with the food and stuff. Yeah, they think the beach day is like about them. They're very man character. Yeah, they're very into ruining a beach day. They're like, these people are having fun. Let's fuck it up.

Yeah. Those pretzels look great. Okay, so this came up a lot. This represents a lot. lot of people okay hi hannah hi does um first of all sorry for my maybe not so perfect english i'm actually from germany so it's not my first language so please bear with me but i am crazy scared of frogs i don't like them i can't stand them can't look at one doesn't matter if it's in real life or a picture i i don't like them and i don't know why they even exist their

fucking scary and weird. And no, I don't, I don't know why I hate them so much and why I'm even afraid of them. Like when I see one, I start to hyperventilate. I get shivers all of my body and I just get really uncomfortable. I'm kind of, I don't know if it's like a phobia or just a weird fear, but yeah, I don't like them. And I know that's super random, but that's just how it is. Not as random as she thinks. of all, her English is better than mine. Literally. That's actually, because we literally had like minimum 10 frog ones.

Yeah. But I picked her one because I wanted to say, like, it's literally perfect English. Perfect English. Like if she hadn't said she was German, I wouldn't have even heard her accent. Paige and I have, also, yeah, Paige and I have been talking about there's like this theory about everyone's either a frat, oh my God, sorry, a frog or a rat. Like you're either a frog or a rat. They're just two types of people.

page is a rat and i'm a frog because why i don't get it it's like just a concept of like how you look and how you act and we decided that you were a rat oh i think it's kind of a frag you honestly you're kind of a frag i think you oh that came off that's a frack i but what i don't know which which is the frog and like what what's the what are the it's kind of like you they're get it or you don't. Oh, I definitely don't get it. I think it's kind of like facial features. People either look like frogs or rats. Oh, and she said I'm a rat? Well, we thought that you had like sharper features, like you have a beautiful nose. And you're a frog? Yeah. Um, frogs, I do have to say, I think it's the way they move. Like, I think snakes, like my nan is really afraid of snakes. She doesn't

like how they slither. The way the frogs jump around. What was it called? Frog at? Frog at the game. Yeah. Great game. I fucked with that game. I love that game. See, I have good memories of frogs. Frogget, I like the little ones when you're, like, on vacation. I like the princess on the frog. I thought that was great writing. I like frogs. But I totally understand the way they move and hop around.

It's almost like a grasshopper. Yeah. Today was a learning experience for me. I had no idea that people had frog fears. Neither did I. But I guess you don't see that many frogs around. Yeah. I mean, I've seen over the years, like, but every time I see a frog, I think it's so cool.

But there are venomous frogs. Are there? Yeah. I watch it on Animal Planet. Oh. I think they have like crazy colors on them. Yeah. I hope we don't get too many new fears from this.

I know. There's all these things. Next time I'm going to say a frog. I'm going to be like, you. You've been scaring girls left and right. You remind me a Hannah. All right. We want to finish up.

This is a biggie. Okay. This is a biggie. We're on an emotional roller coaster. This is a big. scared right now. This is a big mama right here. Here we go. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. I'm such a big fan of you guys. One thing that I'm terrified of that I probably shouldn't be is telling my hairdresser when I don't like my haircut or my hair coloring. I don't know why I'm so scared of it

because I'm paying hundreds of dollars for a service. But I have fully walked out of the hair salon looking like Lord Farquod before because I was too afraid to say something or ask them to fix something. So yeah. And it's it's even worse when you're in the chair and you can see it happening and you still don't see anything. I don't know why. I just can't bring it to myself to do that. So yeah. And then you get self-hate because you're like, oh, it's my fault. I should have talked. I should have said something. But sometimes you speak and you make it worse. Like I've done it where I'll be like, oh, no, can you do this? And then they like, change it even more and you thought that you were helping but like you were never on the same page

to begin with with this person I also will be like oh actually I want it a little shorter and then it'll like I think it'll look better and it literally looks worse so it's like you kind of just have to own that like it's not going to be your day I mean I have had I got to say 20% of all my haircuts in my life have not been great I have never ever said I'm not happy when they do the mirror you know guys always get the mirror behind yeah do women get the mirror behind yeah yeah oh yeah so uh the mirror behind them was like great great never never once complain it's just hard because like I'm not a hairstylist so I don't know what to tell you to make it look good yes but I know when things don't look good but this also goes into I the nail salon

is the thing for girls where like you'll be like oh you'll show them a photo and they'll start doing it and it's just like the shape is bad all of it's bad and the way is that good and you're like yeah because you don't want her to take it off and start over so you I mean I got to get out of it I got the famous poop nails in Dublin that time where I I showed her a photo and then it was the worst thing and I just walked across the street to another place and said can you just cover this and they go no we have to take it off so I got my nails done for four hours and you were like how is your how is your tourism and I was like great but it's very stressful women because like when I have a bad haircut like two weeks

time it's going to look exactly like it was when I walked in. Whereas women's like, if you cut your hair and you don't like it, I mean, you wear it in a bun for six months. Yeah. I mean, I feel like it's like two years sometimes. It can especially, that's the thing. Haley Bieber cut her hair short and everyone started doing it. And then some girls on TikTok who are, you know, heroes started to speak up and be like,

unless your hair is a specific kind of texture like pages, like pages, like pages very straight hair, my hair is more frizzy. Like if I cut it short, first of all, I'd have to, like, blow it out every day, it would not look like that. Also, I don't have the jawline for it. I don't have the face. Like, just because Haley Bieber looks good in something doesn't mean you're going to look good in it. Yes. And there's things that you would look better and than she would because of your face shape. So don't just follow a trend because then it's years. I chopped my hair when I went to college freshman year because I wanted to be like different and

like edgy. I'm from Brooklyn when I went to Wisconsin. I tried chop it like Alexa Chung. You know Alexa Chung? No. She's a cool British model. I looked like Lord Farquod And that's why I bleached it Oh So then you double down So you took a bad haircut and made it worse Yeah

But I was like I'd rather be like I'm like at least I'm a blonde now Like I just was going through such a weird time But I'm also weird with my hair Like you could do whatever makeup on my face I don't really care But if my hair is like an inch too short I feel like not sexy or cute at all

Yeah I mean I get it But I've never had more and three weeks of stress related to my hair. Yeah, patriarchy. But I do think that being able to speak up, it's a very thin line between being like super assertive you should run for president

and being like just like kind of inappropriate and you're just making the situation worse. Anyone who can speak up in the hairdresser's chair, I salute you. I've told them like, can you cut it a little more by the chin? And then they cut it too much and then I feel stupid. I'll give like little notes.

but I won't I won't be like I'm not happy with this where do we go from here okay actually I said I just want I want you to hear this and then we'll call it a day

because I'm curious if this is a fear of yours penises my name is Emily from State College Pennsylvania love you guys so my answer

for the question about what am I afraid of that really shouldn't be, is sitting on the toilet for too long. So I'm sure I've seen this on like a movie or a TV show or, you know, like the pipes in the toilet and like coming and biting my butt or something like that. So you best know that I am on and off that toilet as quickly as possible. Love you guys. I mean, I can't imagine the stress of every time you go to the bathroom, you're worried that you're going to be attacked. New fear unlocked, but because sitting on the bathroom is my safe space. Like, I will go and you'll be like, are you pooping? And I'm like,

no, I was just sitting in solace because no one could bother you when you're on the toilet. Yeah, now my feet are numb. And my feet are numb. My butt cheeks hurt. Um, if that's how I go, that's how I go. If something lages onto my labia and pulls me down, that's how I go. I feel like it comes from Gremlins. Maybe, yeah. Gremlins was a big one, like the gremlin coming out of the toilet. Okay, I have one final fear, and I've realized I'm riddled with fear. I come off really chill.

Hannah's final fear. My final fear is dicks out of context. I do not want to see your random dick pick that you got sent. I don't care how hot the guy is that it's attached to. If it's just a picture of a dick, I feel attacked. scared, I feel it's intrusive and it's aggressive.

Yeah. A dick in context, I feel like, is a very good premise for a stand-up routine. Like, dick in context. Like, the only type of dick I want to see is dick in context. Essentially, you want to see the whole package. Yeah, I want to see attached to the man.

Because also when it's attached to the man, a lot of time, you're like, okay, I could see this. But when it's alone, it looks like, um, what is that River monster. The Loch Ness monster? Yeah. So.

And when they're like, when it's, has the veins, oh, it's like, oh. It's very aggressive. Yeah, I don't like. I feel like, I feel like, without getting too graphic, an erect penis is meant to be seen when you're in the mood to see an erect penis. Yeah. And it's, and you're never in like a full clear head during that process. It just, it's all just like sexual hormones.

Isn't it? the great paradox of life that an erect penis doesn't put you in the mood to see an erect penis. But I think it's a lot of straight girls if they just see an erect penis. It's quite aggressive and scary. Yeah, I meant that in a genital. I didn't mean you. I meant the paradox of all humanity that an erect penis, but yet a man, a full, when the context surrounds the erect penis, that's a different story. Even a photo with a man with an erect penis.

Again, I need it still in context. Like, we have to be hooking up when it's erect. If it's just like a man with an erect penis, I don't love it. So you didn't like sexting? I did, but it wasn't, you were never like, you get the ick sometimes. When it's just a dick pick. It depends on the dick pick. There's a lot of nuances to it.

And, again, a lot of context to it. do you like a vaj out of context? Like we just see a photo of a vash. I mean, I don't care, but I don't need a vaj out of context. Yeah, so maybe it is kind of similar, but dicks are definitely more, the phallic nature, it's like a sword.

It's like a weapon. Yes. And dicks can be good or evil. Oh, well, this is a fact. I think, I would put it, I would be confident to go on record and say that there's a higher chance of a dick being able

than a vagina. That would be my personal opinion. And that is the whole concept of Glee Squad. That is our thesis. And if you listen to the last episode, you'd have those same thoughts too. Well, we're done. We're done.

Sorry for going off in a lot of my own fears and tangents, but you guys were quite inspirational. Hearing you guys sending messages is literally the best. I love your cute little voices. I'm obsessed with all of you. I want to squeeze you, kiss you on the forehead.

And yeah, check out our Instagrams every Monday for a new prompt, and we may use your call-in. Yes, and spread the word all the time, spread the word. Because at the end of the day, people need to understand that it's different to before. Yeah, yeah. You know, and so make sure to let everyone know that there's a new Hannah podcast that's out there. Listen with your boyfriend, listen with your mom, tell the gigglers, and leave us a review if you're enjoying it. And we love you guys.

We'll dial, call you later, right? Call you later. Call me maybe. Call you next week. Call me maybe. Bye. See you.

Bye. Hi, Han. Hi, Des. Love you both. One of my most irrational fears is when I'm leaving a store and I have to walk through like the security detectors, metal detectors, whatever they are. and the alarm will go off, even if I haven't purchased anything, or even if I haven't touched anything in the store, I have to literally hold my breath as I'm walking through

because I'm terrified that they will go off and that somehow they'll be like a $200 bottle of perfume in my purse or something that I'll have to say I didn't do. I'm in my 30s and this is something that I struggle with. Anytime I walk into a store, it legit does not matter what type of store it is. I get terrified. Bye. Hi, love you guys. I'm responding to the what are you afraid of that you shouldn't be.

I am terrified of paper, especially like printer paper, like that really high quality because I hate the feeling of paper cuts. It's not like a fear I think about late at night, but I cannot take the way that some people try to hand you a piece of paper like in school. I'm like, you kind of put that down because they like put in your hand and then swipe it away and it cuts up your hand. And I hate the feeling of a paper cut.

So I got known for having this weird fear of paper. Hi, Hannah and Des. I'm so excited that I saw this prompt because I've been wanting to talk to you guys for a while. Hannah, I saw you in Kansas City. I went to the late show on Friday night, and you are absolutely amazing. Anyway, so something that I'm scared of and I shouldn't be, I really am terrified of balloons. I've been terrified of balloons since I was really young. I think it's like a neurodivergent type thing.

I don't know, but they're noisy. They smell weird. Oh, the noise that they make when, like, people rub them together and, like, they squeak and stuff. It's just, it's maddening. And, of course, I got my son balloons for, like, the first 10 years of his life every single birthday. I would bring them home from the store being filled up with helium. And, like, I was terrified the entire time that they would pop. Anyway, love you guys.

Take care. Okay, one thing that I am super afraid of that people always kind of give me side eye about is my fear of the wind. And, like, you know, it doesn't have to be like a hurricane or a tornado. And, you know, I get, like, some people are worried about their umbrellas, like, going inside out. No, like, I'm fucking worried that I'm going to fly away with my umbrella into the wind. Or that, you know, the wind's going to pick me up. off the ground and make me go splat against a brick building, you know, um, with limbs

everywhere and such. And it's just like, fuck, I, and I live in New York of all places. So I, I'm honestly just waiting to go splat.