Berner Phone - Berner Phone #17: Airing Your Grievances

Episode Date: November 30, 2023

The dialers are getting things off their chest this week. They have some serious grievances about airports, pestering shy people, and getting sober.  20% off w/ code BERNER at manscaped.com 10% off w/ code BERN at oseamalibu.com 15% off at uncommongoods.com/bern Code BERN at lume.com  

Hi, Jess. Hi, Hannah. So something that I really need to get off my chest is just, like, how truly addicted I am to listening to Giggly Squad and Burner phone. Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? We are in Aruba. Yes, it's a vacation episode. We love a vacation episode. It's a holiday app. We're sitting in the Bukudi Resort, Bucuti Tower Resort.

Absolutely gorgeous. Great room looking out onto the Caribbean, Caribbean. What's your choice? I don't know. Hannah's just waiting for that ice coffee to kick in. Well, it's not full vacation. Let's be honest. You are working every night. Oh, that's right. I'm doing a, I'm doing a show and Hannah never really actually takes a vacation. Hannah's like working nonstop. But we're in a great, we're in a great, we're self-employed people. Look, it's not work if you love what you do, which is making fart jokes. And it's so funny because we were thinking, what should the topic be? And you were very like, look, I want to make sure that everyone is. is being heard who needs to be heard because we've been giving them very specific prompts,

but there might be some people that just need to say something and let it out. Yeah, I wanted this one to be like a general one. Like a get it off your chest. Yes, like an open forum. Yeah, like a drunk town hall meeting. Yeah, like a Hyde Park corner. Like a Quaker meeting.

Like a friends meet, an actual friends meeting. Yeah, but you can use the F word. You know? An inappropriate quaker. your meeting um and it's funny because we like to start the app saying things that we would submit you know like what would we want to get off our chest and it's so funny because i realize that all week i don't shut the fuck up and every subtle thing that goes into my brain i get it off my chest so i don't have a problem that that is hana that is a cop out man every you know what's funny

every week you say i don't have a thing and by the end of the episode 10 things have them out like you like because now I know I we were walking to the store there I wanted to get a I wanted to get an energy drink to pump up the energy for the podcast and you were like oh you have to think of something to get off your chest and I realize you were like you need to think about something because I don't want to think about something well I did vent yesterday about Spotify unwrapped or it's actually called Spotify wrapped but I was calling it unwrapped but I was calling it unwrapped because I'm silly. And do you know what Spotify Rapt is?

Yes, Hannah. Well, you didn't share yours. Oh, I'm not a Spotify wrapped sharer. Okay, so you think you're better than everyone. No, I just feel like there's a lot of that going around. True. And I didn't want to add to it. I consider it like plastic in the ocean.

Yeah. There's just too much of it already. I didn't need to add to the sort of the social media. Overconsumption, saturation. There's a lot of that. Yeah. I just didn't want to be that guy. I appreciate that. Thank you. I do think that I um this year because I've been on the road a lot I do a lot of like I wake up from a nap then I have to go on stage so I put on a playlist that like I know is going to get me going so when they show like your top songs it's like songs that you are hyper fixating on because I'm like weird like that where you are I will play that sometimes I'll even because you're in the room I'll change it up but if you weren't I would play the same song for.

for 45 minutes. Yeah, because there was, for a period of time, I can't remember what time and I can't remember what song either, but every single time you were getting ready. Oh, it was Little Nas X.

Yeah. For like a year. Every time you were getting ready, it was, which one was it? Yes, yes. In fact, even you singing it, call me what you want, call me what you need.

I now only associate that song with being in the Hampton. It was still kind of pandemic-y. Yeah. And I remember one day you just walk in, you go, take me out of this little Nazak sex dungeon. What? Because he's like singing about like a hookup.

The whole thing's about this like, call me what you want, call me what you need. Yeah. I mean, I don't remember specifically saying it like that, but I definitely remember at one stage going like there has to be more that can pump you up than this one particular song. My top song this year was this like very random K-town remix song. K-pop. K-pop.

It wasn't a 30-second street. This crazy 30-second street between 5th and 6th, they have in your song. That's what they call Korea-Down, K-down. Okay, K-pop group that was just, I like something that's catchy. Which K-pop group? It's called Sintone. I can't pronounce it. Oh, right.

Okay. It's authentic, babe. All right. But I didn't know you were into K-pop. I'm into anything that, like, gets me happy. I cannot listen to sad songs. I don't want to go there. I don't want to feel my feeling or something

In general though Like a song that keeps me like motivated positive So anyway I was looking at the songs I just feel like it really shows how mentally unwell You are I want to get off my chest that yes Spotify and Reped is calling us out Like I don't need to see

The hyperfixation moments I was going through Like in January You know? Like it's it read me like a fucking book And I felt pretty exposed So I naturally had to share it with all my followers. Yeah, that's, yeah, you shared it. That's the thing. You couldn't keep it to yourself. I thought it was fun because I thought, I'm not like, I'm not like I'm like,

but it was pretty random and disturbing. Well, you know, uh, sometimes you get asked, like, you'll get asked to be on some radio show and they'll be like, what are the five songs from your life? And I feel like everybody, everybody picks the songs that they want people to think that they're into. Yeah. The great thing about Spotify is you can't hide. You can't, exactly. Like, you want to be like cool. Yeah, I got, yeah, Drake was in my top five. Yeah, I'm a regular white girl. Yeah. That's it. You can't hide from who you are. I had Taylor Swift, Drake, Lil Wayne, Doge Cat, and Jay-Z. Those are my top artists.

Nice. Well, I didn't actually check my Spotify unwrapped, so I can't add to that, but can I add my thing I want to get off my chest? Which I feel like needs to be said every now and then, like a reminder to society, which is, I don't know who gave smokers the litter pass, but smokers feel like it's totally fine to throw away their cigarette butts and I'm talking about like people that would never litter these are people that would never litter but for some reason don't consider

a cigarette butt litter I guess they've been told I mean I don't know because I've never smoked a sick because I don't trust myself but if they throw it in the garbage and like God forbid there's like a little bit of no 100% but that's why you're supposed to stub it out you stub it and then you throw it in the garbage

Or you take it to a place where it's safe to discard, because at the end of the day, it's not society's... You throw it in the ocean. No, Hannah, it's not society's responsibility to absorb the garbage of your bad habit. And I have no problem with people smoking, but the fact that on every street is just constant cigarette butts... You find this in New York City. Everywhere. Yeah. Are you not aware of people throwing their cigarette butts on the ground?

Like, that's okay? No, I'm aware. Yeah. And on the beach, people turn the beach into an ashtray. No, you're right. And there would be... It's disgusting. Or like if you go to a park and you want to chill in the grass

and then suddenly there's cigarette butts everywhere. Look, put it in your own pocket. Put in your pocket. Collect it. Yeah, then you stink. But it's a stinky habit. I mean, speaking of, I talked about this on Giggly Squad, but there's a...

The Jewel documentary is so good. The Jewel documentary. Because it talks about how these guys were like going to save the world and save people from smoking. And it was proven that Jewel is the only thing that stopped people. people from smoking but then every 12 year old got their hands on it that's right so i need to get that

off my chest yeah and i don't know the science behind if in the future we're going to find that jewel was worse i'll save that for people in the know i but i have to say that i also don't like the fact that people think that jeweling indoors is somehow okay even though smoking isn't like i don't love a jewel cloud yeah oh yeah like you you just you smell the the mango and it yeah goes in your mouth and you're like okay yeah and the room eventually just gets it gets a bit like like cheap incense yeah you know like a bath and body work yeah like like if a 12 year old was was meditating it smells like child meditation people will risk their life for a jewel hit like when you go in the airport in the airplane the bathroom you get fined two thousand dollars for

vaping and like i know friends who will like do it but does it does does a vape cloud actually show up on the smoke detector, or do they just pretend that that's the case? That's a great question. Because I don't know. That's a great question. So do you want to get into some, do you want to get into some dialers getting it off the chest? Yes, my favorite part. Let's just start with something simple.

Hi, Hannah and Des. This is something I really need to get off my chest, so thanks for giving me this platform to speak my truth. But I just need to know what's going on with people in airports. The way that I've seen some people recently acting in airports is making me lose my faith in humanity. Some people have no common sense when it comes to an airport and just generally lack awareness for the people and things around them. I need three to five business days to prepare for TSA because they scare me. So when I see people who don't know to take their shoes off

and to pull their liquids out of their bag, it drives me bananas. And please don't make it me started on slow walkers in airports, I've never wanted to hit a random stranger more than when I'm stuck behind a slow walker. The other day I was at an airport and it was five in the morning and I saw a military man standing outside with a locked and loaded machine gun. Sir, I swear my liquids are under three ounces. Please put that gun away. I need to know your thoughts on people in airports and if you feel the same. Love you by. Okay, first of all, you need to start a podcast because one, your voice is so nice to listen to. Two, you're hysterical. Three, it literally came across. like a plus students essay.

Yeah. You know, it was like, discuss annoying things about airports in three paragraphs. Does like, see, you know, rate the messages. And every now and then he's like, they really did a great job. No, this is, I mean, perfect message. And, I mean, speaking to my soul, I don't know what she does for a living. I don't know what she does for a living. I think she's doing well.

Yeah, I mean, she's traveling a lot. Yeah. You have to be doing well to be traveling a lot. She's very competent, I could tell. As someone who lives in airports, as in like I walk into LaGuardia and I high-five the clear person and they're like, you're here again. Yeah, they literally know you now. They're actually sick of me. They're quite sick of me.

She specifically mentions slow walkers. Now, my pet peeve on the slow walker front is the people who go onto the Travellator, who go on to the moving walkway. Travelator, is that what it's called? Well, in Europe, they call it a Traveller. What would you call it? I call it the speed belt. Okay, so the people that walk onto the speed belt, that's not that speedy, and stand there and then block it. Because that thing was not created for people to just stand and wait.

It's not like an escalator. It's not the Jetsons. It's not an escalator, right? And then sometimes when you say, excuse me, they kind of give you like an attitude. Right? And it's like, listen, I have no problem if you want to stand there, but you can't block the whole thing. Can't block the whole thing. I have a weird little competitive thing where I'll be walking with someone.

And they'll kind of poo-poo the speed belt and they'll go and just walk normally. And I go, I'm about to smoke your ass. And then I just walk through the speed belt. Oh, I love, I love beating somebody who decides, but I can understand. I can understand. They don't want to deal with a possible blockage. I can understand the mentality because they've been burned in the past and I've been burned.

I've been the guy who's stuck behind some people that won't move or they have too many bags. And I'm watching the person who decided not to get on beating me. Do you remember that last time that guy kind of swiped us? Like we were about to walk on and he jumped in. Yeah, this guy jumped in. And this is the thing. If you're going to be rude and like jump in front of someone, be aware if you're going to have to walk with them for the next like 40 gates

because we're going to fucking catch up to you. Yes. Going to be a little bit ocky poos. Yeah, exactly. I had one time on the, on the travel later, uh, this three people and they were like right across the thing. And early on in the experience, I was like, excuse me. And they hardly moved.

and I had to like really squeeze by them and the whole time they would give me attitude and I was like, you think you're right. I know you think you're right, but you're wrong. The one time I think it's acceptable is when it's the kids, you know? The woman's standing and she has four kids running around her and they're playing

and I think it's fun. I think that's cute. She looks at me stressed. She goes, I'm sorry. I said, you know what? This is cute and that's fine. I will pummel your child. Yeah, and let's face it,

your child is dying to walk the opposite way. Your child is dying To walk against the traveler We know that your child is dying I mean as a kid that shit is fun Yeah I have to say as a kid I wasn't really aware of that many travelators But I always wanted to walk the opposite way

On an escalator Oh yeah Yeah I was very scared of escalators They made a big deal about the second You have to get off the escalator They'd always be like be ready Be ready I know I think I think I was eight before I realized

That I wasn't gonna get sucked into the bottom I wasn't gonna like turn into a paper shredder Exactly So the other thing she's mentioning is the, you know, TSA, right? I mean, it's always tough because both our complaint about the boarding process and also the TSA. It's like, yes, it annoys the crap into me. But I also understand that not everybody travels as much. But, babe, we have something to get off our chest about it.

Oh, yes. We do. We do. They have modernized the TSA check-in process with the trace. system, and it does not work. I don't know if you guys know what we're talking about, but there's a tray at the bottom, a tray at the top, and you have to wait to push the tray. And for some reason, I...

And there's like four sections. So, like, when it's your turn, it's when one slot comes up, so there's like four slots. Now, I can't, for some reason, I cannot figure out the grill math on this, because somehow it makes the process way longer than if you just put your thing on the belt and let it go. And I don't know why or how this got approved, but it's a... pain in the ass people get confused i also do think with the tsa guy there's like two different there's three different characters one there's the guy who loves it and he's aggressive and every guy he goes no laptops no and he's yelling at everyone and you're like i heard you the four times

yeah i've been on this line for 10 minutes i got you and i heard it but they enjoy hearing themselves but also they're probably going you think they're probably saying you think because you travel a lot yeah that i've said it enough but i promise you there no matter how many times i say it somebody will come up and be like do i need to take my shoes off yes yes but also and then there's the person who's like they're not helping you like they're standing there and they're like figure it out and then you get in trouble later because you weren't sure and then there's the person who's a happy medium you know and who knows what kind of day they're going through i don't judge but i do know that as someone who travels a lot when something gets alerted it's interesting to me because

I'm like, wow, I've traveled 32 times this month. Why is this the one time, you know, this moisturizer's getting alerted or something? And that's why also, okay, my final grievance. And I talked about my Southwest experience on Giggly Squad. A lot of the time they say, they're real sticklers saying you cannot have three bags on you. Yes. And then you cannot have your roller bag, a backpack. And if you're a girl, you have a purse.

I think that's some sex as shit. What am I going to do? I have to have my little Percy and my purse doesn't always fit in my backpack. Sometimes I have my backpack stuffed. So anyway, I go through Delta a lot with all three. And then occasionally they go, you got to put the purse in. And I look at them and I say, you know what? I will.

But I know that you didn't have to do that because the last four times don't say anything to me. And it depends on the person. It depends on the mood. And I respect it. I respect when they want to be a stickler, but I also don't understand why it's so important because I put my backpack and my purse underneath the chair. It doesn't affect anyone. My little, tiny little purse.

A lot of people say that they should not be charging for bags being checked. They should actually be charging bags being taken on the plane because actually it's the bags being taken on the plane that are delaying things and actually that's where the precious spaces is actually in the overhead compartments but we don't want to get too overly flighty was was there anything else that she was was there anything else that she was discussing that uh that we have an issue with because obviously there's there's tons of stuff about overhead space and you know people putting up small bags but i think she'll she was talking about you know some people i guess don't fly and they don't know what's going on and i think it becomes the kind of person of when

you don't know what's going on or you want to just throw yourself into the mix and kind of mess it up and wait for someone to tell you're doing it wrong, or do you step back and try to observe and try to cover it out? Exactly. Or do you ask someone immediately? I mean, look. How embarrassed are you when you walk through the thing and it beeps?

I feel like a badass. I can't believe that I've made a mistake. I immediately am like, how much cocaine did I put in my butthole this morning? Sometimes then it's just like a random search, but you want to turn around to everybody to say, it's a random search. I didn't screw up.

I don't want people. thinking that I screwed up. I always do when I walk through like get a weird feeling like did someone put like heroin in you know my sock. Yeah that's because you watch too much banged up abroad. That's that's a that's a banged up abroad syndrome. Well page one of her fake bags was getting alerted because there was like some kind of like there was something that was on these bags like some kind of like substance substance exactly some kind of substance that was alerting that was in these like fake bag factories that she was getting alerted for and like you could get in trouble but anyway that's karma for that's karma for buying

fake bags it's far karma for getting a $25 mu mu mu um so i think that's well covered would you say yes i would i do want to say i do have empathy for people who don't know what's going on at airports because that's probably how people feel about me when i walk into a usPS yeah yeah for sure they're like this fucking dumbass people like people that run like small online businesses and are like in the post office every day and then somebody comes in like crying but like in the uPS they'll be like make sure you have you know the tape this and i'm like i don't have tape i didn't print out the address how do i even like i don't even know where to begin but that's usPS now for the record uPS stores will actually they'll charge you though

but they'll do everything for you charge me yeah charge so you need to go to uPS You can't be dealing with USPS. USPS is above my pay grade. Yeah. USPS is not your area of expertise. No. Okay. Yeah, let's try.

I like this one because I, I sympathize with the sentiment, even though I know that it's kind of directed at me. Hey, Hannah and Des. Love you both. Listen to the podcast every week. More of a comment, I guess, or a question. why is it okay for people to ask shy people or like quiet people like hey why are you so quiet um like are you okay like why are you quiet today um but it's not okay to ask loud people or people who talk all the time um why they're talking all the time anyway love you guys bye

That is so fucking funny. To be honest, it's a very astute observation. But I do feel like it is kind of New York to be called out where someone would be like, can you shut the fuck up? Yeah. Like, I've definitely had friends who will tell a friend, like, you don't shut the fuck, shut the fuck up. Yeah, but I do feel that there's always more, there is more concern about somebody who's being quiet than there is somebody who won't shut up.

Yeah. When the person who won't shut up is probably a lot more mentally unstable. Yeah, or certainly somebody who's probably. like a little more insecure or uncomfortable in a situation so they're talking through their discomfort yes that's definitely me whenever i read the like how to show confidence or like how to deal with a business meeting i'll read that stuff okay i'll watch tictox on it and they're always like when they ask a question pause for a bit say your answer and then stop like it's actually you're considered smarter and more confident and more competent as you're coming across if you're

less, like, chatting during every second. Yeah, and I think that that's 100% true. And I think as I've gotten older, I've become more aware. I actually become aware of when I'm sort of like over-talking or perhaps covering up some uncomfortability in a situation by speaking. Daniel Simonson, great Norwegian comedian if you ever get a chance to check out his stuff on YouTube. He has a lot of great material about this sentiment.

but I feel that she expressed it very concisely. And I think it's more important that it just gets out there rather than just needing us to discuss it because we're definitely probably more on the talking a lot side. Yeah, I always say when people first meet me, I'm quite chatty. And then as you know me more and I'm more comfortable with you, I'll be quieter, which means I'm content.

I wonder what the happy media. What is the perfect formula for when you're talking too much or when you're not sort of living up to your social obligation of being in company and, you know, partaking in the conversation, what is the right amount of expectation on both sides of the spectrum of this conundrum? Any thoughts? I guess people will say something if they feel like you're checking out or like you're really not giving anything to the conversation. yeah um also i find if you just laugh people don't call you shy yeah because you're you're part of the conversation it's more like kind of if you are looking stoic like you're not engaging

did we joke about this before about when you guess what was being said because you weren't paying attention that's we talk about that's literally ever conversation in my life where did we talk about i mean it's a it's a funny meme where everyone says like when you go that's crazy because you haven't been listening you go that's crazy that's a good one i think we talked about it i actually just posted a bit because i was i do crowd work obviously and every now and then the person is like really chatty giving a lot and sometimes it's great and sometimes they're just drunk but then every now and then i'll come across a guy that i'm making fun of and he you could tell he's so scared and so shy so i had this guy tate i was talking to oh yes and i was kind of

I was just demolishing this this poor man and at one point I was like Tate give it to me stand up to me you can do this and I go you know what I'm jealous of you Tate because I broke him down then I was building him back up and I was like what I love shy people like what is it like to not have to blurt out every thought that comes into your brain like the self-control like I'm so jealous of you and then he ended up you know coming but I love shy people because they're like cats to me where they're not outgoing with a lot of people. So if I can get them to open up to me, it's like the best feeling ever.

We're like, if the loud person in the room is like talking to you, you're like, okay, like, it's like a... You're like a victim. You want to feel like the savior. It's like when a dog comes up to you for food, you're like, okay. Yeah, you want food for everyone.

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sitting on the first pew at church every Sunday, every mass. And they need to get their heads out of their asses because you don't need alcohol to have fun, that's fine. You did at one point and you just had too much fun. I need it. Let me drink my alcohol. Don't make it seem like I don't know what I'm doing with my life just because when you drink, you make an ass out of yourself. When I drink, I just get relaxed and funny. So take your moral height and actually just jump off of it and ground yourself. Okay, this is straight up stand up. I love that because I'm a non-drinker, but I like the sense. Well, this is a thing because there are different types of people who become sober.

And I also feel like some very newly sober people will act like this. Yes, 100%. Because they're playing with like a new identity, but it's so true. It's like two weeks ago, I found you in your own puke. And now you're poo-pooing me because I want to have two margaritas. Yes. I mean, I 100% agree that especially the newly converted, actually in the literature of recovery, they talk about the zeal of the recent convert and it's not good.

But that's also part of the problem of if you really have a problem with alcohol. Like if it's a genuine issue, you're actually not supposed to still be hanging out with the people that you hung out with, which I feel like that's going on in this situation. Like a former party person has stopped drinking, but they're still hanging out with the party people and they're doing that awful thing of judging other people's behavior. Yeah, when it's like you all have a different relationship with alcohol. And he's completely right. If you can't handle it, don't project that shit onto me.

But it's true where like I don't drink a lot. And I get so nervous that I'm going to make other people feel like I'm judging them because I decide like, oh, I don't want to drink with dinner when they are. Because they'll get in their heads too being like, oh, so are we not having fun because you're not drinking? But for me, I'm like, no, I'm less fun when I drink because I get sleepy. I'll be peeing I'll be hung over I don't want to deal with it

But there's definitely those people Where it's like They switch so quickly You're like three days ago You were snorting cocaine in the bathroom While funneling alcohol And doing a keg stand Yeah now you run a fucking recovery clinic

Can I give the flip side of this? Yes So the flip side And I'm not saying this person is this person But there's also the person right who just gets triggered by the non-drinker because subconsciously they know that they have a problem yes and they take your sobriety personally so when they get to a certain point of intoxication they'll be like oh look at you fucking thinking you're great because you're not drinking oh look at

mr has everything together where you're saying i'm doing something wrong yeah that that can also happen where you have somebody who's a little bit in denial about their own problem, so they take your healthy lifestyle as an insult. Well, I do think we have a decent amount of listeners in their late 20s and early 30s, which is a weird time where in your early 20s, you're the fun friend, and then in your late 20s, you start being the problem, and people start realizing, like, in their late 20s, it's not cute anymore to be like the most drunk friend and it starts teetering on a problem so people are kind of figuring out where they who they are in that moment because of your 20s no one gives

a fuck it just you're young you're 20 you're going through it you're drinking through it and then around 29 people start going she's she's still she's still walking out on a Tuesday the trick is to go home early like if you if you're a non-drinker that still wants to be social there's just a moment there's a point of intoxication amongst your friends where you're no longer going to have a good time. Actually, the ride up, you know, the slow roller coaster ride up to the top is actually very enjoyable. But when they hit the drop, you just need to get out of there because they're not going to make sense to you and it's not fun anymore. Yeah. My mom always used to tell me nothing good happens after 2 a.m. And that bitch was right. She was right.

That bitch was right. She was absolutely. As someone who does drink sometimes, it's like, I do love an early night even when I'm drinking. Because I don't need to be a part of that. like everything seems like a good idea at 2 a.m. Like, let's go, let's go all the way to Staten Island and get that sandwich I like. Yeah. The Uber is $500. You only live one life. For the person who messaged in, I hope that you can find some common ground with your friend.

Because I feel like they had a recent friend that converted to sobriety. Yeah. Well, I had, you know, party friends. I feel like a lot of people have that group of party friends. And eventually some people move on and some people don't. But I've definitely been in a situation where someone's gone sober and it's like they're, they're nailed to a cross. And it's like, you're like, where's my friend?

I miss my friend. Yeah, nobody wants the martyr. Yeah. Yeah, it sucks when you become no fun. But that's why, by the way, just on a serious note, anybody who thinks they have a problem or they've recently stopped, that's why you're supposed to actually take a break from socializing with those friends. and the friendships that matter will eventually come back together in a healthier way for you.

Yes. You know, and that happened for me. In fact, my closest friends today are actually not my recovery friends. They're my friends from college who, you know, as they got older and they got out of the party lifestyle, we all came back together in a way that is like much deeper. And that just happened naturally. So, you know, don't be afraid to take a break. You're not going to, any real friendships are not going to disappear because you're looking

after yourself. Yeah. And if you're thinking of becoming sober, like, don't. be afraid that you're going to piss your friends off. It's just about not pretending that you're, like, better than people. I mean, honestly, I'm so off drinking right now. Like, I can't tell you the last time I drank. I know, you're not a big drink.

It's probably me just getting old. Um, okay, let's go, uh, this is very Hannah. This is so Hannah. Oh, my God. Why am I constantly running out of everything once I buy it? Like, I'll buy foundation. Then I'll run out of paper towels. and then I'll buy my paper towels, I'll run out of mascara.

Is there some sort of tip, like life tip, that I'm missing? I mean, no, becoming adult is just running out of paper towels. I've never had paper towels. I can't remember the last time I had a paper towel. I mean, the renewables people will say that paper towels are not necessary, but without getting into any sort of economic shame or environmental shaming, this is the thing about being you know what it is it's the transition from when your your parents were just on top of shit and then suddenly realizing like oh how much upkeep

the toilet paper wasn't just created out of it wasn't just it didn't magically appear look amazon subscribe and save is my shit as in you you're like okay every two months but the problem is is i've something happened where i've been getting too much cat food and let's just say butter will survive the apocalypse the amount of cat food is not timed correctly with the amount that butter is eating and we have so and i don't know how to like fix it because i know how to take the subscribe i'll skip it because i don't want to completely not do it and so it's look being a dull it's fucking hard this is some admin that i don't like um but yeah most of your life is literally just throwing out the garbage yeah i feel like the one one well not one but many areas of weakness

in our not our relationship but in the way that we organize our life is neither of us are great for like the weekly shopping like we haven't mastered that art and I feel like this person and anyone who identifies with this message including us needs to know that life flows better when you're organized enough to make a list of what you need and buy it every week lists look lists are my kink lists are the only thing that keep me alive. I, if, because I know, I don't trust that I will remember anything at the moment that I need to remember it. So I have those lists. And there's like the life list and then like the work list. Yeah. The thing is that you don't really have a life list. You're very good at the

work list. Yes. And this by the way, coming from somebody who is absolutely useless at the life list also. But I feel like both of us aren't good at the life list. And look, I'm very grateful for like my life right now in terms of I'm on tour and I'm traveling. if we were at home all week things would be different we would go to Trader Joe's across the street we would go to Tarjeet

when we need to we would have routine but when every week you're in town you're not in town it's harder to come up with that like routine that's helpful.

For the dialer I will say that this is just a lesson about life it's incessant it keeps coming you know and sometimes it's not just paper towels it'll be a fucking leak in the roof or the water won't be running or there will always be something that's just the way it is that in fact that's why the old you get the more you say there's always something you become aware of like the amount of consumption which kind of gives me anxiety sometimes or like just how much you buy to exist and just keeping your carbon footprint low I don't know what a carbon footprint is but it sounds fun well when you open the podcast with the amount that you're

travel. Wouldn't be the most carbon footprint aware couple on the planet. Look, I'm not Taylor Swift on her private jet. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're not that hypocritical.

But we love Taylor Swift. But we love Taylor Swift. Actually, I am a Swifty. She was my number one most listened to. Babe, you're just got a fucking cancel. Hannah, I didn't mention Taylor Swift. You did. Yeah, but you made it negative.

I haven't made it negative. I haven't made it negative. This is how, I'm afraid of Swifties. So much so that at least 10 people messaged in with complaints about how much Taylor Swift coverage there is. And I didn't put it in. I didn't put it in. A feminist king.

No, I just, I was like, no way. No way. I'm not getting into it. Don't touch it. No way. So, um, okay, let's, uh, let's go, one for the, one for the moms. Hey guys. Des, I hope your secret family had a good Thanksgiving and you too, Hannah.

Something that's bugging me right now is my freaking kids. Oh, I love them. I love them to pieces. they're the angels of my life, but three daughters at home, all together for fall break. And then two weeks later, Thanksgiving break, and then in a few weeks we're getting into Christmas break, and oh man, what was I thinking? What was I thinking the consequences of my poor decision-making? Pull and pray just failed us three times. Kidding, I love my kids, But geez, a mom needs a break.

A great message, you know? It's not easy out there. It's not easy out there. I know. This has been something I've been focusing on with my stand-up is asking the moms, you know, do you hate your kids or not? Do you regret having kids or not? And it's become like a weird, you know, puzzle that I'm trying to solve.

Yeah. Well, it's the great conundrum of human life. the reward of parenting combined with how bloody difficult it is. Des likes this because we like playing along with the idea that maybe kids are not needed to find happiness. Yeah, I mean, but also there's moms out there that are listening and they're going, yeah, amen, you know? This mom's like, I want to, I'm sorry for saying anything about public school teachers. I want my kids to go back to school. That's right.

I mean, let's face it. And, you know, the, the, the, the week, oh, you, oh, in Ireland, you get a week off in October, but there's just too many vacations. Yeah. During this small period of time. Yes. I mean, it's fucking capitalism with the, like, sell, like, we just got over summer, which was all like, you have to have the most fun of your life because the sun's out. And then the second we can all kind of rest, it's like, let's party with our families, which is, you know, loaded. Yeah, but also in this economy, as a, as a lot of the little darling.

like to say when they message in in this economy you know back in the day it was like oh you have kids it's tough but you know they'll they'll be 18 and they'll they'll get out there and they'll get on with their lives whereas you're gonna you're gonna have these kids till you're 30 i mean the poor pull and pray these kids these kids are not getting their own house they're with you for a long time it's not it's a big it's a big it's a big commitment i i can't believe pull and pray really fucked you over three times i know imagine her and her husband the third one she's like god wouldn't do this to us again you'd definitely become an atheist after that third yeah after that third pregnancy test you're like wait a minute there's something about three kids that's

just diabolical i get it if like you've had two and you really want to have a boy but i feel like when you do that god always gives you a girl yeah she got the third girl man my mom went my mom went for a third because she wanted a girl she got a third boy oh poor aden torched until the end poor aden um all right so let's go uh Okay, one for Hannah. Hi, Hannah and Des. This is kind of a complaint that has been on my mind the past few months. I adopted a kitten about three months ago, and I live in a studio apartment, so I don't have much privacy per se. And without fail, every single time that I am masturbating or my boyfriend and I are getting it on,

she is just there staring at us or me with her beady fucking. eyes she always just pops up out of nowhere like we'll be having a great fucking time and then all of a sudden i feel eyes on me and she's just like literally on the bed with us and it's just something that um i've been having a hard time navigating around because like bro i can't fucking get horny when your furry little face is right in the right in the way every time so yeah that's a little complaint i been having also i saw you in indy hannah and you were fucking amazing so i hope to see you again see you thanks Oh my God, Indiana was such a fun show.

It's funny because the cats I've had, like, butter, whenever there's, like, too much going on, she's like, I'm out. She wants me, like, lying, not moving, cuddling with me. So butter's never been one of those people. Butter has once run across the bed to scare someone more. Yeah, but Butter is afraid of other people, so she's not really getting involved. But our foster dog, Abby, we literally, we have to kick. be out of the room because it's not that Abby is like making us paranoid uh because she's watching us she's literally looking for a threesome like if we start like if we start fooling around on the

bed it's like suddenly she would literally be jumping on us like licking at one stage wasn't she like licking your leg while she was licking my back while i was kissing you i mean that's like that's like into the bestiality zone it's like too weird we had to kick her out twice abby gets jealous so like if i kind of jump on you or start showing you any effect and she has to get in between us. And it's not like she wants me to get away. She doesn't like attack you. She just wants to be involved.

She wants to be involved. She wants to be a thruple. Yeah. And then if we kick her out because we just, you know, want some privacy and some boundaries, some healthy boundaries. We hear her crying and hitting against the door. Yeah. You know, but what are you going to do?

I mean, you have to have privacy. But Butter, if Butter was staring at us, I wouldn't care. Yeah. Because Butter was probably just look at us like, oh, this is so. like cheap yeah she would she doesn't she just wouldn't be but she wouldn't anyway because if there's any that much movement like she'll it does sound like you have a good she's definitely been under the bed though for sure i've definitely like gone to the bathroom after and then she comes walking out of the bed and i'm like i'm so sorry yeah she's like you're such a slut i it does sound like you have a good

cat and the fact that she like is not afraid of you know limbs going everywhere and still is on the bed so i would embrace that but i i do think there are a lot of dogs that will get involved or enjoy watching and... I'm sure you're... We've heard cat sex I'm sure your cat is just

looking at you going these people are so quiet like she must not be enjoying this because she is so quiet right now where dogs are like judging your technique like that's doggy style absolutely not. It's like wait

what's wrong with their leg put your back into it what's wrong with their leg why do you always got to go for the vagina what kind of foreplay is this go for her calf I'll show you had a hump. Yeah, I'll show you how to dry hump.

Anyway, all right, let's get seasonal, and then we'll call it a day, okay? I'm a fan, I believe in this. Hey, Hannah, hey, Des. I already know you guys, because I have a very vibrant parasocial relationship with you. But I just wanted to let you know that I am a toddler mom. and I am so tired. Particularly about Christmas, there's just so much. There's the Christmas cards.

There's the photo shoot for the Christmas cards. The matching outfits. The Christmas presents, the Christmas tree. She's not going to remember this. People ask me, what are you getting her for Christmas? I'm saving my money. I got to save it all up until she's going to actually remember a single gift. she's going to get um the social media pressure to make christmas amazing is actually crazy

and i miss the 90s um so yeah oh my god christmas admin i mean and can i just say that we've had numerous ones and also christmas and thanksgiving being so close can i just throw that the whole subject on top of this because we had a lot of people in about the closeness of thanksgiving and Christmas and also I mean this is a hundred percent true if if the kid is not remembering don't bother there's just no need people say the first seven years of your life creates the brain and the mindset that is the rest of your life so it's not that they don't remember they feel it you know these things happen but they don't feel specifically like this special day they feel the the constant love the love yeah they don't need like

no you don't have to give them 40 presents just you know get them one you know cheap thing at the dollar store. And by the way, like the Christmas card thing has to stop. Like, we have Facebook now, we have Instagram, we have all these social media sites. The Christmas card thing with the pictures and seasons greetings from the McCluskies, it doesn't have to exist anymore. Also, the creepy sitting on Santa's leg, I don't need that. I'm not putting my fucking kid on Santa's leg.

Oh, yes, you are. I don't know. You're going to deny the whole Santa is real experience for the kid? Yeah, but I don't need to. have all my kids sit on Santa. I mean, well, if that day ever comes, we can discuss that. I feel like there's going to be a documentary coming out about Santa's. But honestly, I have to say, I'm not a scrooge, you know,

but I am a little bah humbug with like how much you have to do. Like, people need to just like really shrink the amount of people that you need to get presents for. Also, I totally understand her saying there's social media. pressure. Yes. I would argue, you know how you feel, you see these couples posting, being like, I've never found another love like this. And when I look into your eyes, the 14 paragraphs, I would feel the same way about people who overdue their Christmases on social media. I'm like, you guys are fucking miserable, okay? Like, how many, how many, I feel like the more decorations,

what are you, what are you covering up? So you're sort of, this is the evolution from your joke about the longer the caption under the love picture, the more chance that they're about to break up. Yeah. I'm not saying film is getting divorced, but I'm saying like, people are putting that much effort in. They're doing it for a reason, you know? And just, it's beautiful and it's great. And some people really do love the aesthetics and they are really good at all that stuff. Yeah. And they're getting all the matching Christmas pajamas. And I appreciate that. But just in your heart of hearts, don't assume that it means they're happier than you. Yeah. Now, I will say that as a child, my mother did make a good effort

with the Christmas decorations and I did enjoy I enjoyed the Christmas period however like the amount of presents that we got even in the 80s it was insane yeah it was insane

yeah like I just I feel like we could just tone it down a little bit how much is expected to be bought and also the other thing is that we never we never had there was no pressure on our uncles and aunts there was not a lot of pressure on the people outside of our immediate

family to get us gifts and i feel like these days there's a lot more like what are you getting everybody for christmas which i i don't believe in that i remember when i first got out of college i was like wait am i now responsible because i'm technically an adult to get presents for all these people who have been getting presents for me that i didn't even ask for that i didn't always enjoy so i was like wait i have to get it for every extended family and now my little cousins too because now like I even though I'm not making money I just graduated college and I remember I had a traumatizing moment where I was in college graduating and I went to the gift shop which is expensive at University of Wisconsin and I bought every single person like a chotchky like I got like a mug for this person a sweatshirt for this person and I was like I'm going to be the best gift giver ever and I'm becoming an adult and it was in a plastic bag and I left it on the plane oh my god oh my God so Yeah, I've been triggered by that shit. I also think when people have birthdays in between like November, December, early January,

they get shafted. Like the people who have December 27th birthdays, like, I feel horrible. Worst. Because like when I have my birthday in August 12th, I'm like, it's my summer of my birthday where you cannot outshine Santa. The holiday period, it's tough. I'm a fan of diminishing the amount of people who have to buy presents, all for the holiday cheer, but I think that

for our dialer that dialed in, it's tough being a new mom, I think what you need to do is just simplify everything, take away the social media pressure, do not send Christmas cards, just take a... Bad for the environment. Just send Christmas email, you know,

and that's fine. Christmas email. You know, like the e-card. Yeah, you can do it e-card. Christmas e-card. It's fine. Absolutely fine. I do think also, if you're it's like thinking of the origin of Christmas and Hanukkah and these holidays maybe it was to during these cold months

give us something to look forward to so it's like you can create what your routine is you can create what your family traditions are and you because your kids are young you can start it now where it's like you get this amount of presents we don't do this we do this and you know it's at the end of day it's not

that materialistic it's about who you're with and I like some good Christmas music in the background. Like you have a lot of siblings. Like I feel like early on when one of them starts having kids, it's like let's sit down as a family and say that the aunts and uncles are not buying presents, keep it nice and simple and just take so much pressure off. And number two, the whole Christmas card picture thing came from a time where you didn't see a family from year to year. So it was nice to see the kids growing up.

Yes, yes. But now we see your Facebook post all the time. Let's evolve. Yeah, we just don't need that anymore. Like, I see your kid every single day on Instagram. Yeah, every day. And I know about all the dramas about the teacher, you're not happy. I know everything about your life.

I don't need to see a picture of you in Christmas pajamas. You know, I don't need to see it. I think we're good. What do you think? Are we the Grinch? No, we're modernizing Christmas. It's the most wonderful time of the year. So we got so many good ones off your chest.

But there were a ton that were very. like deep about secrets right yeah so what what happened was when you put out the prompt you said get something off your chest a secret anything you want to you know anyway the way you articulated it was quite broad which was great uh so much so that uh we've separated it so that was basically the kind of like the gripes getting things off your chest and then next week we're going to do the secrets uh you know some of which were like disguised your voice so some people we're literally using it as like you know, I've been

holding on to this and I need to tell it so they're putting it out there into the ether. So that's next week. Get excited. Secrets. The secrets. And we love our little dialers so much. We're obsessed with all of you. Thank you so much for listening and we'll talk to you next week. Well, can I just

say that I have a New Year show in Chicago? Yes. Which definitely could do with selling some tickets. And I don't know if you want to play. Oh, and I'm in Tempe the following weekend. The first weekend of January. I'm in Tempe, Arizona. Yeah, and I have a bunch of new shows coming in January, so check out my website. HannaBerner.com.

Slash shows. And Hanna Burner official on Facebook is not Hanna Burner. We discovered today. Hannah is looking to eradicate fake Facebook pages. So if you see a page that you think is not Hannah, please DM Hannah and say, is this you? Because that could be an issue. All right, guys.

Thanks for calling. Thank you. Hi, Hannah and Des. Big fan, love your show. I have a hot take since the Thanksgiving holiday has just passed. I don't understand everyone's obsession with Thanksgiving stuffing. We take perfectly good bread, dehydrate it, then rehydrate it to dehydrate it again. make it make sense there's no girl math here for me i don't understand what's going on maybe it's just me though so it could be a hot take hi hannah i love you so much um something i really

need to get off my chest is that i'm really upset with my friend group after a girl's trip weekend one of them in particular was in charge of the invoices for everybody like put most of the things on her card and then would divide it up. And I actually wasn't drinking. I bought my own weed that weekend and was smoking my own weed. Nobody wanted to partake. I wasn't offended. It's fine. But anyways, I was the only one not drinking in the friend group. And one of my closest friends got charged like the same amount for dinners when she had two or three drinks and I was drinking a Diet Coke the whole time. So I just paid the Venmo request because I didn't want to start any drama but I'm actually really peeved by this because I don't know I can afford it but

it's just annoying to have to kind of subsidize everybody else's drinking so anyways that's me hello friends um I know this is probably very common and overly used but my something I just cannot fucking stand is when people do not put their shopping carts in the shopping cart corral in a parking lot. It is just so, it is like the epitome of lazy and if I see somebody go out of their way to not put their shopping cart back into the shopping carous corral, I'm just automatically going to assume that they are one of the shittiest people on earth and so many people do it. And there's this shopping cart theory that if people don't put their shopping carts away, that they're basically a bad person.

um and i totally believe that so if you don't put your shopping cart away i fucking hate you okay thank you bye hi hannah does here is one thing that i just absolutely cannot stand i am just out here trying to be a little bit more friendly trying to bring some joy to myself and the world around me and when i'm like walking past somebody grocery store sidewalk whatever it is, and I'm going to give you a smile and you don't smile back, I just can't stand it. I am giving you this positive energy. The least you could do is lift the outside of your mouth a little bit, reciprocate some of the kindness.

It's just not that hard. And yeah, that's just one thing that bothers me when I put myself out there to smile at somebody and they can't do it back. Love you guys.