Berner Phone - Berner Phone #18: Secrets Revealed

Episode Date: December 7, 2023

Secrets are being revealed…there are age gap relationships, people cheating, and happy endings being given. Plus, Hannah made a mistake on Cameo.   honeylove.com/BERN EmbracePetInsurance.com/BERN marinelayer.com/BERN15

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Welcome back, my little dialers. I'm home. I'm in New York City. I just came from Indiana with Little Lois. She's so freaking cute.

And I love being a fun aunt with no responsibilities. And I'm talking to, across the pond, Desmond Bishop, who's still somehow in Aruba. How's it going over there? I'm still in Aruba. I didn't know you were going to do a full podcast before you actually started talking to me. I forgot you were here. I was like, how long is she going to talk about Lois? I'm here in Aruba.

But I've been putting together the secrets. So you told me to explain what's going on. So last week you put out a prompt and said, get stuff off your chest, anything, you know, any secrets, anything that you've been holding on to. So we ended up getting kind of like two different types of messages. One was, you know, what we did last week, which was people like venting about stuff that's been bugging them. And then I separate it out. Essentially, people, I feel like, trying to unload a burden of holding on to secrets. And we love a secret because we are nosy.

And I also think, I love thank you as a man in STEM doing all that admin so that we can get all these juicy, juicy messages. and I think we're probably going to disguise the voice on most of these people because we're not trying to destroy families here. Yes, and the majority of them requested their voices to be. But, you know, it's very interesting. Well, some of them are kind of like advice, but advice on a very, you know, very personal, you know, quite serious stuff. Like, not serious in like it's not stuff that we couldn't advise about.

But, like, you know, real complicated issues around relationships and stuff like that. Mm-hmm. I do think people deal with secrets differently. Like, some people think if I don't tell people this, I'm actually protecting them. And then some people are like, I'm going to be honest regardless. So I'm very interested to see people's takes and also our takes on the situation. Yeah, well, you know, a lot of, a lot of cliches about secrets. You're only as sick as you're.

secrets, you know that one? Mm-hmm. What's another one? Oh, our problems grow in darkness and die in the light of exposure. So, you know, sometimes it's good to expose things, you know, can help you to get some freedom. Obviously, we're not going to be divulging any secrets because we lack the anonymity required for this type of, almost like a, it's kind of like a confession. You weren't raised Catholic, so you've never had.

You've never had confession. I did do confessional because I got my, yeah, because I got my, what's it called, the first one? Not the baptism, the next one. Oh, you had your first Holy Communion. I had my Holy Communion. I dressed up like a little wife, like a little child bride. And I remember they were like, you have to say something. I just probably said like I hit my brother or something.

Do you remember what you said on your, my first confession? But I feel like first confession came later than communion. But am I wrong about that? I think with ours, I mean, let's be honest, it's all made up, but we went and at the end of the ceremony, we did our first one. I mean, I remember, I feel like, well, go ahead, sorry. The priest, that was probably so cute hearing the confessions of 12-year-olds. I just went in with like, I lied, you know? I mean, I remember, visually I can remember it 100% going in to give confession.

I masturbated three times before I came here today. I definitely did my confession before I masturbated. That's one thing for sure. I definitely. And I don't think I would have told the priest that I masturbated, to be honest. I can't remember 100% the sins, but it was definitely like lying and probably said like I hit my brother or something, you know. Okay, well, I'm living to hear some of these confessions because I also feel like. people feel less alone when they hear something that other people are like nervous to put out there

and then it's like look we're all the same we're all the same person let's get him out here let's see what's going on can we start with something fun though yeah can we start with something that's not actually uh it's it's not actually uh it's not a confession but it's quite funny hold on a second i have a story regarding hannah and chemio um that happened this year so back story i'm a primary school teacher in Australia. As a job, I'm an assistant principal, so I am in charge of a group of young teachers, making sure they're doing the right thing, being a boss bitch. And they decided to get me a cameo for getting married in September by Hannah,

because I know I'm a giggler, they know I love Hannah. So they did this really nice thing, sent her a message. And, you know, the message from Hannah was amazing. But then at the end, she went a bit rogue. So then she started talking about how my husband's going to go down on me for four hours on our wedding night. These young teachers' faces were horrified. They obviously didn't understand Hannah. I was like classic Hannah.

But yeah, that was a very awkward moment when we're in a room. And their faces of disgust just appeared. Anyway. Anyway, she ran at a time there. She goes they obviously didn't know Hannah. So you've got to be careful with those cameos, Hannah. No, well, the thing with the cameos is a lot of the time they want me to be funny. So I don't like just being, like, sweet.

I want to give them something to laugh. And a lot of the time, it's the guy that's getting it for the woman. So I like at the end saying that. And you know what? I probably should have looked at it. I probably would have seen that it was a bunch of teachers. And I definitely overlooked that. And I apologize.

But you know what? At least we got a funny story. Now I realize Yeah, I normally If it's a guy It's funny when I say that But it's not funny if it's like All the moms together

Having like a sweet time drinking Or you know what What What? She should have her husband go down And her for four hours I stick by it Yeah you stick by it

And you know what As long as she laughed Because that's all that matters The gift was for her And then it's a double bubble Because now she's given us a cameo I know It's all come full circle

How meta We got a cameo of her. Also, whenever any Australian person thinks I'm funny, it just makes my head huge because I think Australian people are so funny. Yeah, you have a saw spot for the Aussies. All right, here we go. Let's get into some. This is one for the girlies.

Hi, Hannah. Love you. You're the best. I have just like event session real quick. So I have been hooking up with this guy and we hooked up on a Friday night. I slept over. We woke up Saturday morning, had a little morning sex. It was great.

Then he drove me home. And then that night, I hooked up with someone else. And I'm feeling like I'm telling myself I'm a whore. It doesn't feel great. And I just want to know, like, men do this all the time. Like, why am I feeling so down and hard of myself? oh my god i love this message girl pop your fucking pussy i'm i totally understand societal pressure if you like do the girl math and you're like okay that was two guys in one weekend but let's look

big a picture we have your whole life ahead of you you don't sometimes things happen one day one day i would just say clearly you're a charming beautiful wanted woman and as long as you're you're you feel respected and you feel like you had fun, I'm honestly very proud of you. You're living life. If you feel like you were doing it to appease someone, which it sounds like you're not, it sounds like you didn't even want to do it, but you're just so hot that you couldn't help from attracting another man the next day. But also, that's the point of being single.

You have your whole life to be married and, you know, wear a bonnet and sew in a corner. But you're single right now and you're learning about yourself and you're learning about other people and look two guys in one weekend it's child's play okay yeah i mean from from a guy's perspective it's just an absolute double standard that has been hoisted upon you that is unfair plenty of if this if this first of all right she you probably kept this a secret right you probably don't want anyone to know because you feel so bad about yourself if it's a guy a guy can't wait to fucking tell as many people who will listen that he fuck two different girls, two different

one after the other, night after night. He wants to go and tell the boys what a legend he is, right? Now, I'm not saying the guy that thinks he's a legend because he slept with a different girl every night is good, but what I'm definitely saying is not good is you feeling shame because

you happened to have sex with two different guys one night after, well actually one guy, two guys in one day actually, you know, but that just kind of happened. And you had a good time and now you're only feeling shame because of societal judgments whereas once you're being safe that's the most important thing once you're being safe then it's not a big deal this is where yeah this is where my sense of humor comes in where

I think in these moments it's important too like that is a really funny scenario you didn't plan it you didn't know that you were going to hook up someone that night I think if you have a friend that you can joke with about it that's really fun like I could see like page and I would die laughing about the situation and we would like jokely call each other sluts like because we're not sluts we're just two girls having fun and I also love the fact that you hooked up with it because this first guy you just met and a lot of the times it's fun to meet a guy hook up and then in your head like make up all these things like he's the next best thing and you're going to find happiness through this guy when you don't even know him and he's

while you're having these like imaginations he's texting like four other people so the fact that you hooked up with another guy the next that night you're actually your dopamine levels are going to be very controlled and you're going to be more sane when it comes to dating and who you should continue talking to because you haven't put all your eggs in one basket and i fucking love that for you i'm feeling very empowered from that story and also at the end of the day if if you're honest with yourself and you say you know what doing it that often with different people actually didn't make me feel great then don't do it again but you definitely you definitely should not be slut shaming yourself Because basically what you've done is you've absorbed societal judgments about women being sexually promiscuous and you've internalized that and now you feel terrible, which is you don't need to feel that.

That's the most important thing is you don't need to feel because actually of all the things in the world that one could do quote unquote wrong, if this even was wrong, it would be so low on the list of wrongness. And it isn't wrong. But what I'm saying is it's so not a big deal, like not at all. this is something that you're going to like be drinking wine in the nursery home and laughing about with your friends like you know what i did you know back in the day it was crazy because you're living life and i'm proud of you but also i am a kind of person like i we've all had hookups where we were like i didn't want it to go there and i don't feel good and like i need to take a break from men for a couple weeks and that's totally valid maybe if you felt uncomfortable with kind of where things are

going maybe you got too drunk and you just you you weren't in a place mentally that you felt like you were in control fully of what you were up to um take a break watch some Netflix do some yoga chill with some girls for a couple weeks and get get that you know release in a different way and just be safe that's that's the only thing is that I I in my opinion there's nothing wrong with sexual promiscuity but it's very important to be safe your sexual health comes first so uh wear protection also you didn't fuck eight guys in one day so like let's calm it down like you're not promiscuous yeah tell your guy friends actually don't because i can't guarantee that they're not judgment on themselves but thank you for telling us can i tell

a story from college to make her feel better okay it was a long time ago okay this is a long time ago very long ago so you know I had like a guy I was kind of seeing and I were going out and I had a plan to meet up with him at the end of the night which is nice like you know you have a plan and you could just enjoy yourself and you know someone's waiting for you the plan got deterred and I started talking to someone else ended up at his place and he he came um like in two seconds like didn't even it just came I don't think he even went inside me and he was a nice guy who's fun and I was like getting text from the other one so I was like I have to go so then I went to the other one and he couldn't get it up so I had two guys in the same night fail and the first guy I think he thought that I was upset that he came so fast because I left immediately and he never spoke to me again even though I thought he was cool actually no he did but it was whatever and then the other one was a

mess so um that was one of my proudest days and I laugh about it all the time that you had a that you were you had a double failure to and I think I was like 19 and it was just like it's just chaos and there's no rules and you're just figuring yourself out and it made me who I am today that's that's great I and it's great that you didn't Well, actually, it's kind of like you had a neutral experience, right? There's one guy comes too fast and you think, oh, wow, I'm so hot. This guy couldn't control himself. And then one guy couldn't get it up.

You think, oh, God, what's wrong with me? So you're just back in the middle. You're just back to being. The universe will balance you off. You had a sexual balance. Talking about yin and yang. Talking about the sexual yin yang. Yep.

All right. Well, I'm sure she feels better now. That's great. All right. You want to keep it light or you want to go heavy again? let's go heavy oh you want to go heavy all right this is a biggie this is another one of these should i tell somebody something hi hannah does please alter my voice for this confession so one thing i've been needing to get off my chest is and it's been years let me tell you is i have an ex friend

that is currently getting cheated on well i'm i'm not too sure if it's still happening since it's been years since i went through my ex's phone but basically i went through his phone right which is the reason why we're now broken up and i discovered a nasty conversation between him and his buddies, and they were basically talking about cheating on me and this girl. I was very conflicted whether or not I should tell this bitch, because during my breakup, she stopped being a friend entirely, she wasn't a girl's girl, she couldn't even pick up the clothes she left at my house when she used our hot tub, better yet meet up with me to ask how I'm doing.

So anyway, I know her current boyfriend of 11 years slash almost fiancé cheated on her, and I'm not sure if she even deserves to know i don't know um maybe you know she's going to get what's coming or i don't know what will telling her um be good oh baby i mean this is loaded man this is loaded well it's also at the time of the breakup she decided not to tell the girl what like when she found out when she when this girl found out her ex was cheating she also found out this girl's boyfriend was cheating but she didn't tell her i wonder how much time has passed Well, it's not important, right? I mean, like...

Yeah, I know. It would have made more sense of at the time to just, you know, light it all on fire. Well, let's just take it, let's just take it in terms of, you know, do you or do you not tell somebody in this situation? Obviously, it has this added layer of she's no longer friends with this girl. So she's, there's a lot going on because even before we get into whether you should, tell somebody or not she's probably conflicted because part of her probably wants to fucking make this woman miserable but then part the way she worded it was like i don't know if she even deserves to know as in like she actually be like she is kind of helping her it's weird

it's such a thin line of like are you helping or hurting by telling someone that someone's cheating oh my god it's it's very difficult for me and i'm a different person that you and I've gone through different life experiences. When in doubt, I like to not get involved with things that don't directly affect me just because I don't like to mess with energies. I don't like to mess with negative energies if I don't have to. Yeah, so it was actually a total coincidence. But after I heard this message, there was actually an article in the New York Times,

which why I sound a bit distracted right now is I was trying to find. but it doesn't matter. There was an article in the New York Times about recovering from infidelity. I can't remember it was an interview with a marriage counselor or what, but the thing that jumped out at me was that people recover from infidelity

much more successfully when they don't find out by accident. So it's easier for a couple if the partner divulges, right? So in a situation like this, the way that this person would find out would be very difficult. And I can't remember exactly, but I remember taking from the article that they don't really recommend a situation where she should tell this woman that her husband is cheating. It's different if you approach, if you're very close to people, like I know situations where someone's gone to the, let's say the man is cheating and been like, like, I know you're cheating, you need to tell her.

Yes. Which, again, I don't know why you'd have to get to that point, but again, having it come from him. And then there's people who just will keep it to their grave and make it work. And then there's people who you don't know if she already does know and they've worked it out, especially if they've been together for 11 years. She's a woman. She's probably had the senses or seen things. text messages and you don't know you also don't know some people don't want to know and you don't

know if she's that person or not you know what i mean like yeah some people will resent having found out they would have preferred the the bliss of ignorance then there's the people who want to get caught like they're actively trying to get caught because they don't know how to get out their relationships they're doing it hoping that an innocent bystander is going to feel you know like they should say something but also as this girl speaking she's not friends with this girl anymore and she does actually feel like if she tells her it would help her life it's it's it's i i do feel that if this person knew that you knew and after that she found out it would kill her that you didn't say anything but at the same time i still don't think it's your responsibility to to say something i just

feel like it really is none of your business you have you have you found out uh but i also completely understand if you had a different take and you decided to tell her because i i think there's no perfect solution to this there's no perfect answer yeah i asked in the beginning about the timing of stuff because we don't know exactly what happened but if i found out i got cheated on and then people stopped being friends with me including the girlfriend and kind of turned on me and i felt lonely i could see that making you want to tell that girlfriend like oh you're taking the guy's side like you're also getting cheated on too like let's open our eyes here yes but that wasn't what happened and 11 years is a long time and it almost makes me think like he must have let's be honest

he must have fucked up a couple times in that and some people like cheating does not mean the relationships over sometimes it means they want to work on more stuff or they'd still rather be together then and work on it you know everyone again you don't know what other people's demons are that they're dealing with their relationship and at the end of the day i think as taylor swift would say keep the side of your street clean even if they don't know what that means yeah this is really a job for esther perl let's face it this is but pretty good you know pretty good uh very fascinating very interesting very fascinating dilemma Very fascinating.

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this was it like i just there's not enough information i have so many questions god damn it i have so many questions. We need this girl to hang out with the girl who is being slut-shamed by her thoughts to hang out and they'll have a good time together. Okay, well, here's my questions. Here's my questions. Number one, I need to know if she actually booked like an erotic massage or was this like a massage where things kind of escalated? Because I'm not, I'm not that aware of if there's a huge market for well yeah my question is where are these female erotic massages not for my own personal interest just in general yeah so i i i need to know if she if this was like she booked a happy ending massage because i have a joke about it sounds like she oh yeah what no the the joke is say uh can

women get happy ending massas i mean what masseuse has the time yeah just because there's a lot of funny a lot of a lot of time but uh well she said she didn't let it go all the way or something I know, but even that I have a question about. Exactly. Does that mean you didn't climax or you didn't like have sex? Yeah, right? Yeah. I just, I also can feel like sometimes girls are more picky.

Like if he's not cute, you're like, no, thank you. Where, what, we have so many, we have so many questions on this. All right, well, let's, since we can't get the answers to the questions, okay, let's, uh, let's talk about the concept of, female happy ending massages. I think it would, I think it's great, but it comes with a, you know,

a sense, there's a lot of gray area of like, are you feeling comfortable? Like, I feel like there has to be like consent every five seconds. Yeah, I mean,

I always said, you know, in joking around about this, I really feel like, uh, this is going to be a growing industry as women get more, increasingly more empowered, increasingly more busy, increasingly more independent with their finances, where they might,

you know, like a married woman might do this as a way to get some excitement with that feeling like she's 100% cheating or something, you know what I mean? So I just feel like this may be a growing industry. I was shocked when we got this message because I'm not, I'm not aware of this happening. Have you ever known anybody that's done this? I personally have never met someone who's done it, but also, you know, the girlie is sometimes gatekeep this stuff. I feel like I could see like some sex guru guy. I did know about that, know about that cult called where basically she got it.

I forget what it was called, but this woman got everyone together. Oh yeah. Where the men would like edge women to a point of like masturbating. It was all about orgasming. It was like a cult about orgasming. And it didn't end well as most cults. Yes.

But I do think it's just a little difficult with women because we are more like emotional when it comes to the or at least more mindful when it comes to the orgasm where i feel like men could like fuck a pie and be happy yeah we're like it's a little more complicated like it's really like i feel like at some of these you know jerk off places there's like an 80 year old woman doing it and men are like they don't care where like if i walked in there was like an 80 year old man i'd be like okay i don't know this is good i mean i've seen like massage porn and stuff like that um so i i i don't know maybe maybe maybe this is i i i fucking wish we had her on the phone because like just like i need to know because i i heard a story once this is years ago about a

girl that was traveling and got a massage off a guy and ended up becoming kind of erotic and she was into it and she allowed it to happen but like she didn't realize she didn't know that she was getting into like a sensual she didn't realize She was booking a sensual massage, you know? Oh, but it was a sexual massage? Well, I don't know. I mean, all I know is that she allowed it to happen and she was okay with it.

If it's not like a signed up for sexual massage and he just decides doing it, sometimes you could just let it happen because you're like, you freeze and you're like, what the fuck is going on? And then that's like really bad. Yeah, but the example I gave was not that situation. But what I'm saying is that she had no,

idea. That's what she was entering into. But it's true. They definitely would need like three to four hour times in between just in case. You know the way like a guy will walk into like a happy ending place and there'd be like three masseuses and you pick a masseuse. If a woman walked into a happy ending place and there was like three masseuses, she'd have to give like a 15 minute interview to each one to see which one she connected with before she actually. Literally. That was the first thing I thought. I'm like, well, am I allowed to choose one? Because everyone is different types. Someone's like, I'm not gonna come if the guy's like you know too skinny or like if the guy is shorter than me like you don't know what is in their head yeah there's so much there's so much more mental stuff girls girls are

different than guys where like once you orgasm you want to orgasm again like that's the female orgasm where men once they they push they push and then they can go again but they're pretty good like girls once you're like keep going keep going keep going so how many orgasms do you get I could see a place with like auto erotic, not audio erotica where like girls are listening to stuff and like they have toys and stuff. It just gets complicated when you throw a man in the mix. There's a lot of variables and but this girl also sounded so chill. She was like, by the way, we're assuming it's, we're assuming it's a man. Oh, okay, this just changed the whole game.

I could totally see a place where women are doing it and women being very. comfortable with that. Yeah, 100%. Like, I'd be more comfortable with a woman doing it to me than a man, I don't know. Yeah, and it's funny because you prefer a female masseuse and I prefer a female masseuse. And that is definitely like, I'd say that's pretty universal, you know? That women prefer women and men prefer women. I've once even, like, had, like, a younger guy, like, who was kind of good looking

masseuse to me and I kind of massaged me and I was like, I don't really want this. would I have to suck in while he's like, you know, massaging me. You want to have to worry about what you look like, yeah. Yeah, I'm like, I just want to chill. I don't want to worry about that we're like four playing in some capacity. I just want to chill. But yeah, this is very interesting. Instead of a rub and tug, it's a rub and rub.

That's funny. I don't know. I really don't know if it's going to, what? To the lady who messaged in, can you just DM me with some, you know, insight? because you've left us fascinated, truly fascinated. The whole listenership needs an update. Yeah, everyone's confused right now, but we support you. All right, here's a dilemma.

Hey, Hannah and Des, love you guys. If you could disguise my voice for this, that would be so great. But I really want to hear what you think. I have this little secret. I've been dating this man who is almost 30 years older than me, which has been really great for the most part, but now I'm in this awkward position where he really wants to meet my family.

And I just really haven't told my family about it yet because they're super judgmental and I know that they're going to have some issues or make comments or cause a strained relationship between us. And I really don't want that. But on the flip side, if I don't introduce my boyfriend, he just thinks that I'm, like, embarrassed of him

and I'm hiding him for my family, which is not the case at all. I'm just trying to save everybody the stress, but the only one who's carrying all the stress is me. So if you have any advice, that would be so great. Wow. You go first. Oh, I go first.

Well, first of all, you need to make sure you're 100% comfortable with the situation. Because, you know, and I'm not saying that you're project, you're projecting your own uncomfortability onto your parents so don't don't take this as a judgment but I'm just saying ask yourself the question are you 100% comfortable with it and if you are 100% comfortable with it then you need to either introduce him to your family because you shouldn't feel any shame about what you're doing or ask him if he could just not care about that for a while because you are concerned about their judgment

even though you are 100% comfortable yourself with the situation. That's my boring advice. And we didn't get her age, right? We didn't get either of their ages. We just have the age gap. Yeah. Which is 30 years, that's substantial.

Yeah, your family, first I would create a PowerPoint of all the celebrity relationships that have 30-year age gap, you know, Catherine Zeta, Jones. I think there's a couple more. No, I'm just kidding. But I do think they want to know that you're with someone who makes you happy that you can be yourself with. There's so many bad things in this world. And I do think you dating someone who's 30 years older is not, should not be something that your family is too upset about. I mean, it's valid for them to have concerns about anyone you date

if they love you and they're protective of you. But at the end of the day, I think Des, you kind of nailed it like if you and your heart of hearts are into this and think this is right for you um their opinions shouldn't matter that much and hopefully they will eventually understand like wow he's really a great person for her and we just want her to be happy it's an unconventional relationship though that's a fact so that is that is a conundrum you are definitely going to have to figure out and then you know you have to ask yourself you know if your family if it becomes difficult for your family that's going to be the next kind of job but but but that is that is just part of it but definitely you know a 30 age a 30 year age gap is definitely gonna uh it's gonna make everyone ask some questions

i mean i'm in my zadi era so i get it girl i get it um but yeah i do think there's also no rush to introduce into the family like unless if you're really considering this being extremely serious and you marrying him, like, you're two adults, two consenting adults, having in a relationship getting to know each other. Obviously, you want your partner and your family to get along and to create that, but I think maybe you're still figuring out if this is, you know, for the long haul, and you don't have to throw your family involved too early. I wish you the best. I mean, my personal advice would be to tell him to back off on caring about meeting the family, you know? I just don't think it's important and it just adds complications to an already complicated situation.

So I would say just, just wait for a while. Because when you know 100% that this is actually going to be for the long haul, then I think you can add all those complications because you'll be 100% certain yourself. But like until you're 100% certain that it's going for the long, the long run, there's just no need. Yeah. I also think like imagine the day you introduce him to them and they like literally love him and they're like wait this is awesome he's so smart and well read and loves you and he's successful and cares about you and you're like oh my god i was stressing myself out for months when i didn't have to be so i would just stay positive with it and if there's a valid reason why they think it's wrong and he's not the right guy for you then consider that too

i'm i am also like i have empathy for you because i'm one of those people where like if my family doesn't like the guy like I can't wrap my head around it and like I've had relationships not work out because my mom is like I don't see this for you and it's nerve-wracking but because you don't want to be in a relationship that you don't have support from like the closest people in your life yes yes and he's probably older than them which is also tough for all you know they can meet and become besties talk about the 70s yeah you know they'll be like you know Jimmy Carter was way better president than people said. Hi, Hannah.

Hi, Des. So I'm speaking in a really bad fake accent, obviously, because what I have to get off my chest is that my sister cheated on her husband recently, and I'm the only person she's told, and super awkward, because they were in a bad person. place he did some bad stuff but didn't cheat on her and he's a real nice guy now she's decided she wants to give it another try and i know that you cheated on him and i have to be around him and just pretend that like nothing happened and everything's fine and it is very uncomfortable

so i just needed to get that off my chest so thanks for listening y'all Yeah, that's good, and that's a great other side of the issue here. I also think that we did this wrong. We should have said we're not changing any of your voices. You have to come up with an accent that you don't have. Well, first of all, we still have to disguise her voice because I don't care how good she is at doing southern accents. It's 100% certain that if her sister listens to this, she'd be like, you fucking bitch, you fucking called it to Hannah Burner's podcast?

You're a fucking idiot. She's like, I'm not going to tell him, but I'm going to tell the world right now. Okay, I have questions because she was like, he did something bad, but he didn't cheat. Then I was like, oh, no, did he like, what was he doing? But then she's like, but he's a nice guy. And I'm like, okay. So what did he do? What did that man do?

I mean, it could be financial. It could be physical. You just don't know, you know. Yeah. Obviously, the first place you go to is he hits. her or something, but I'm not getting he hit her vibes. But then she said he's a good guy. Yeah, I didn't get her vibes.

Yeah, I'm not getting he hit her vibes. So, you know, let's just say, you know, let's take that out of it. I think that, again, these people are not asking for advice. They're just getting off their chest. So I love that I love that you are able to do that with this twying. But you're getting advice, though. She's getting advice. But we are going to give you advice, which is, which is I think that, you know, part of

you're her number one you're her sister you're her right or die people have you know bumps in relationship and cheating at the end of the day you know she didn't murder him she didn't you know it's something that she went through during a time and people do going ups and downs in relationships and especially in marriage if there's children involved like they're figuring it out and all you can have is you know empathy and be there for her because she's your girl yeah i mean this is just a secret that you have to keep in my opinion you know I I understand it's tough for you you you she put you in a she put you in a spot you know that this is a spot that a lot of people are in you know people are keeping secrets for people all the time it's like

secret keeping is part of life and the truth is that you know I recommend people listen to Esther Perel but like this could be like a relationship saving moment for her you know and like divulgence of this event may not be the best thing because she may have actually learned something about herself and her her connection with her partner as a result to what she did so that's very interesting but it's not it's but it is 100% not fair on you that you have to keep that secret but i i promise you there are so many people that you know, have to keep things from other people for the sake of other people. That's kind of just like life.

But also, if you're the person keeping the secret from the person you're with in a relationship, doesn't it eat at you? Obviously, it's going to be hard for your sister. She's the one that's going to have to keep that. So at the end of the day, that's on her, you know? You just have to forget. Yeah, and you could just be supportive. Also, it made me think about, like, it says they were going through a hard time and she did something.

And it makes me think, you know, if someone cheats. and they tell you part of you is like okay well if you cheated then I then let me cheat but then it doesn't always I've never done this but I don't feel like it would hit the same when you're doing it out of revenge because you're still it's it's a lot it's very mentally complicated what would Esther Perel say well I you know Esther Perel would not say that vengeance cheating would be the way to go I don't really know what Esther Perel would say but you know first of all I don't think that you would really get

what you wanted out of a vengeance cheating. That's what I would say. And also, if you really want to cheat and it's not even out of vengeance, then break up. Yeah, I think if you want a vengeance cheat, that's probably not too much of a chance of survival.

Yeah, but then I'm saying also, if you're just cheating to cheat and it's not out of vengeance and that's a whole other issue. But then there's some people out here who are fully, like, are cheating, happen sometimes in the relationships um and they make it work the problem is with these small towns everyone knows each other so you know you're like god damn it we got to see the milkman every week why'd you give them a blow job yeah well that's that's that's that's the tough part about it that's that's the

if you decide to get into the healing of it all that's the tough part have you seen that drama with the like talk show people where there are those two talk show people who had an affair with each other And it just came out that those two people who they were with, those people are now together. So the people that got cheated on are now together. And the people who cheated are together. Oh, really? Is that a real thing or a fake thing? Yeah, it's, well, it's what's in the news right now.

It's that those newscasters, it was like a whole thing. So that's kind of a beautiful, you know, full circle moment. Yeah. Well, who's the villain? Are the couple that are together that cheated? yeah they were people are not happy with them yeah but then if they all end up happily ever after then was it good or bad that's what i try that exactly that's why i try to think like if two people are meant to be together and they found each other good for them yeah that's it and you hope the other

ones aren't just trauma bonding but trauma bonding is fun sometimes yeah whatever brings you together very interesting hi hannah hi does i'm a giggler um also a new burner phone what's it called? I forget. Um, but something I would like to get off my chest is that when I say I'm single and I've been single for the past two years, I always get met with people in relationships or that are married saying that I need to work on myself. Um, I've never wanted to say shut the fuck up more because A, I do work on myself all the time. B, These people that hop from relationship to relationship, they don't work on themselves in the two days that they're single in between each relationship. So I'm not sure why in the two years I've been single going to therapy and doing all the self-reflections that I need to be told to work on myself.

I'm going to bang my head against the wall. Oh, she ran out of time. She ran out of time. But shout out to this girl, because she is a thousand percent right. and one of my friends actually Alyssa Amaroso at publicity online she just got into a relationship and she actually hadn't been in a relationship for a while and she goes on TikTok and basically is like it's crazy how people are treating me differently now that I have a boyfriend like as if now I have it all together and like now I'm happy and like telling me how happy I look when it's like

like I wasn't happy before because I didn't have someone who picked me and I do think as a woman a lot of the time when someone has it looks like someone has chosen you or your wedding day is your biggest day because someone wanted to be with you people treat it like it's the most successful thing ever when you know it's actually not that hard to get into a relationship

and a lot of people are in relationships they shouldn't be and a lot of people are avoiding their own stuff by just like getting into the next dysfunctional relationship or even functional but not really knowing who they are yet so I could not be in more agreement with this girlie which is it's so ridiculous to be like you need to work on yourself like life's main goal isn't to be in a relationship so it's quite silly that for a lot of women that's how we are raised in terms of you know the disney movies how do you find your prince how do you find your prince how do you find your prince how do you find your prince but i do think even to men they'll do that you know there's they'll be well i think when men are younger they never get asked like why don't you have a girlfriend's like oh he's having fun he's on fun but you know if men are in the late 30s people start getting worried and stuff, but I always say that, and I think it's, there was some statistics somewhere,

probably TikTok, but the people who are single are happier than people who are in a relationship that's not right for them. Being single for two years is not a big deal. It's really not a big deal at all. There's no need to be concerned. I've taken a nap for two years. That'll go by like this. All right, Rip Van Winkle. It's, it's not a big deal. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, You should definitely push back, actually. You should challenge people who say that and say, why do you think that I need to work on myself to be in a relationship? What do you think that is?

Because that's kind of ridiculous. Yeah, obviously, what do you think you're doing every day? Just like being a shitty person and no one wants to be with you. I always say that I love when people break up because it's like corporate America. Like you always level up. And especially girls after breakups, like we get a new. new Pilates instructor we're going to therapy you know like we're getting a new haircut we have a new style we get a master's degree like girls are always like working on themselves and leveling up so

I think you being I always say that you being single is you just like becoming the person you want to be and if you're always in a relationship you sometimes can be stuck in like that older person that they see you as like that girl they met when you were younger um and I obviously people grow together in relationships but sometimes you can feel stunted when you're in a situation and i think like i'm just proud of you once you really know who you are then you know clear who you should be with and when i was 29 single live with my parents with four cats during covid i definitely got a couple like so what do you think is wrong with you and i literally just went like what did someone get away like no one got away

I didn't like fuck up any like I didn't meet anyone and I haven't met my person yet and that's totally cool I'm not going to force it with someone who's not and then whammo des slides into your DMs and that ends that ends that ends Hannah being single era when you were single in your 40s did people ever do you think people made it like you don't have your shit together or like you have to work on yourself more. No, I mean, I got a lot of questions of like, when are you going to settle down? That was kind of, that's the way.

I feel like that's what men get. Men get, when are you going to settle down, you know? And girls are like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, I feel like, well, I don't know what girls get, actually. But I'm assuming it's kind of like, you know, when are you going to find the right guy or, you know, I think women honestly, I think women honestly get more what's wrong.

wrong with you yeah no yeah like there's a reason that you haven't been picked when then I realize now that women are picking you can pick your men because we don't fucking really need them the way we used to we like them we appreciate them but we don't need them to pay our bills or give us a house or give us voting rights we have that but you you 100% dialer do not have to feel bad in any way. You do not feel you need to work on yourself. The right man or the right person will come along. Whenever people, girls tell me like, oh, I want to find someone, I want to find someone.

I always say, like, enjoy this time where you could work on yourself. Like all those moments when you're alone, like even when you're struggling, when you're alone, you're growing and becoming a better person. And honestly, like, the longer you wait, the more of a complete person you are and you'll attract a more complete person. And some people do get lucky early on where they meet someone really young who's right for them and they grow together. But I think there's also a really special relationship that is meeting someone later in life when you're fully, you fully know who you are and what you want. Can I just play one quickly before we go that I feel like is, it's Hannah

adjacent in terms of its sentiment. Not its final thought, but it's sentiment. I realize that all the times I've had sex with men I don't really enjoy it so I think I might be a lesbian You're telling me I've never enjoyed sex with men No I just feel like in your stand-up You joke a lot about like

You know men not really knowing what they're doing and stuff I mean this sounds like an exciting moment For this girl I think it's time to go on a date with a girly And see what's up Girlie Pop If you're doing tired of being let down and you can't find your local, um, female happy ending place with it,

with a, with a skilled masseuse, then I think maybe you need to try, try it out with the ladies. But you're right. I do talk in my stand-up how like, I feel like you talk to your friends. I remember when I was younger and my friends would talk about their hookups. Like, it seemed like it was so fun. And then like I would have a hookup and it would be like there'd all these awkward moments or it would be weird or like I didn't that didn't really feel good um and I think that needs to be normalized I talk about that a lot and then when you're with the right person or you're with someone for a long time you guys get in a groove you know what each other wants um maybe it's more exploring you on your own figuring out what you want and then also like go to date with a girl

yeah or certainly just bring instructions for the guy you know just guide him through it You know, that's what I said. Like an IKEA furniture. Yeah, just as my Google Maps for Sex Joke, go check it out. I think it's a good, it's a good idea for you. You know, you've got to tell these guys what they'd be doing. You know, or you've been exceptionally bad luck, though, to have that long of a run. Life is too short to force yourself to do things of people you don't want to do,

whether it's the masseuse, whether it's a guy, whether it's stay with someone who's cheating. Holy shit, people's lives are. are exciting is one thing to learn in this we're living vicariously through other people in this episode a lot of adrenaline yeah i mean thank you so much to the dialers for sharing their secrets we'll disguise your voices you'll be safe you will have known that by now of course because it'd be in the past tense you're you guys are crushing it we love you guys so much each week we're having so much fun listening to all your messages and you guys calling in Don't forget, I'm in Chicago on New Year's Eve, very important.

And Tempe, Arizona, the first weekend of January, 4th to 6th. Oh, yes. And I added another Denver show and another Charlotte show. Whoa. And I also am going to Niagara Falls and Connecticut and San Jose. And some more places. Check out Hanburn.com. You're going to Niagara Falls?

That's a casino? Yeah. Which side of the border? Who knows? Really? Is it Niagara Falls, New York, or Ontario? Oh, it's in Ontario. Oh, nice. It's a Canadian show.

So we're getting worldly. That's the better side of Niagara Falls. Have you ever been to Niagara Falls? No. Well, I have to tell you, I had never, I'd no interest in going to Niagara Falls. And then eventually I went, and what a shock. One of the cooler places I've ever been to. Really?

Yes. Highly recommend. This is exciting for you. When is that? April 12th, do you want to come? April 12th, I'll be in Australia at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Sorry.

Shout out Australia. Shout out of Australia. Shout out of my friend from the beginning of the podcast. Anyway, I'm actually very rare situation where I have to go because I have to go do a show. Have fun. Good luck, babe. I'm going on stage in a half an hour.

Crush it in Aruba and you'll be back tomorrow and we'll be back in the studio soon. We'll talk then. Thanks for calling in.