Berner Phone - Berner Phone #2: The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever with Des Bishop

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

Berner Phone is back with our reactions to your most embarrassing stories. Bosses have been kissed, there was a lazy eye misunderstanding, and somehow JonBenet Ramsey is involved. You guys are wild and we love it.  Submit advice questions here Get tickets to my stand up comedy shows here Get 20% OFF @honeylove with promo code BERN at https://www.honeylove.com! #honeylovepod

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the Burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Yeah. Welcome back to Burnaphone. We think we're DJ Khalid because we just made that intro. Yeah, I mean, Hannah found this trap beat. I was like, we were like fiddling around with some.

some like average ones and then you found that one you can't see me right now but I was like I was like moving my head like I was JZ in the studio I was about to say I felt like we're in a JZ documentary like when he discovered yeah yeah just give me just give me a little more low level on that

yeah yeah yeah that's it right there originally we were putting the audio we were putting our audio over the beat and then I was like hey how about we do the audio and then the minute we finish the beat drops and then you dropped you were like yeah that's it that's it right there that's it

And that's how dirt off your shoulder was formed. Are we going to start a band? Well, listen, here's the thing, babe. We're making beats, we're making intros, and we're making armoires in this house, up in this house. Do you really want to bring that up because it was kind of embarrassing for you? What are you talking about? There's an armoire sitting in our bedroom right now completed. Babe, it took you four days.

It took me three days, and you got to take your time. I didn't have a drill. I don't want to make mistakes. How many mistakes did you make, though? I really didn't make many. I heard you say out loud that was a mistake. Yeah, and I very quickly rectified. I didn't make any people that know flat pack assembly.

Yeah, my listeners, they love flat pack assembly. I think, you know, sometimes you don't 100% understand your listeners. Okay, if you're listening and you like flat pack as well, I don't even know a fat black assembly. This is IKEA stuff, babe. I thrift. No, listen, it's fine. You're not a flat packer, okay? That sounded like, you're not a flat packer.

You're not a flat packer. So anyway, sometimes you can make a mistake that's so bad, you have to go back like five moves. Yes. That never happened. Well, when we first started dating, do you remember we put together furniture? Yeah, we assemble a bed. That was when I was pretending to be someone I wasn't. The first episode was extremely fun.

Yeah, it was great. Great feedback I was very happy with You know I really Honestly I really like the format Really genius move from you To get the messages

The messages Were great And I mean I can't The people submitting are so funny Yeah that's the thing They're all witty and silly And I love them

They don't even need us I just want to say one thing I was thinking What do we do for our sophomore album You know number two we got to bring it and i wanted to talk about things that people are afraid to talk about but because it's like anonymous voicemails i think it's very therapeutic for people to send in their most embarrassing stories because instagram everyone looks so together so perfect no one's ever tripped no one's ever

you know puked in their purse i want to know the most embarrassing stories so that everyone can feel a little less alone because i do embarrassing shit all the time i do think if you're scared of getting embarrassed, you'll never do anything in life. So this is a very mental health powerful episode where asked everyone to send embarrassing stories. I do want to say I was giving a speech in college. I think her early 20s are times to do really stupid stuff. And it was like a huge table of like 15 people and I was the head of the table and I was telling a speech and everyone in the restaurant got quiet. It was someone's birthday. I don't remember. And at the end of the speech I went to sit down and I missed the chair

and I fell on my back and some guy was like is your name grace? I remember he said that to me and I was like you fucking idiot Is your name grace? Like joking like that I'm not graceful. Oh but that's more

His joke is more embarrassing than you're full. I mean that's come on. That's disgraceful. It made the moment even worse because then everyone's looking at him and then you don't know. Honestly the most embarrassing thing is when people sing happy birthday to me.

I don't know what to do with my hands Everyone's staring at you all happy And you're like, should I be enjoying this? Why is this song feel like it's three hours long? You got to sing with it? You got to sing. Look, what can you do? You sing with your happy birthday song?

You got to sing. Do you hit the high note? What's the high note? Happy birthday. You got to lean in. You opera sing it? You got to smile, I guess. You've got to smile.

After like 10 seconds, I'm like, okay. Yeah, but you know, I, it's, I guess the cringe of a birthday song at like a restaurant, it's just, it's part of it, right? Yeah. I also pronounce. Funny enough, when you're getting it, you think that the whole restaurant is like, oh my God, how embarrassing. But actually, when you're actually in a restaurant and somebody getting a happy birthday, you're like singing along and you're like, hey. You're loving it. I know it's all in my own head, but if someone fell on their back and made like a huge moment.

No, that's embarrassing. No, that's, that's embarrassing. I also famously pronounced Teresa Judice's name wrong in an interview. And I also pronounce Countess Luann de la Cep's name wrong in an interview. Both easy to mispronounce, but like unprofessional of me. And then you have to continue the whole like interview being like, I know I'm a shitty person. and I got your name wrong. Yeah, I actually hate when you start in an interview or something like that

with like something that throws you and you're never back on, you know, you never, you feel like you don't get back on your, on your floor. The whole time you're repeating what happened in your head to be like, how bad was it? And you're trying to concentrate, you can't, you're not, you're not present at all in the conversation because you're just thinking like, why did I say that? I also asked a girl if she was pregnant once in a comedy club of 500 people. She was wearing a baby doll dress.

I brought her to the green room afterwards. I was very apologetic. She had her hand on her stomach. It was very confusing. I think she was trying to bamboozle me. Most comedians have a mistaken pregnancy story. Yeah. Do you?

Oh, absolutely. The International Comedy Club in Dublin, you know, because I ran it. So this woman arrived and there was no seats left. And they were like, oh, there are no seats left? And I was like, oh, okay, I see you're pregnant. I'll try to get your seat. She's like, I'm not pregnant. So I was just like, oh, I get that way too and I have bread.

Like I get bloated. See, I just blame bloat because you know why? She didn't look like she must have been badly bloated because she didn't look like her belly. seemed out of whack with the rest of her. Okay, so you're saying she had a small frame. She had a small frame and she had like you know like a malnourished

your body shaming. No, it doesn't matter. We're talking about a stranger. I needless to say, I felt terrible. Also as an empath I thought I got out of it with the bread comment. As an empath, I feel other people's embarrassment almost more than mine, I think.

Like when someone else does something embarrassing or like when someone falls, other people will laugh and I'll be like oh my god oh no yeah I I do the opposite I just try to go like listen everybody falls I I just try to go into the zone of like who hasn't accidentally tripped while walking yes you know yes who hasn't like missed a step yes you know it's just it's just part of life it's just the way it is I mean we've all had embarrassing situations but you know the first time I ever played in the the island golf club the captain's prize which is like the most important competition of the year,

I almost completely whiffed my drive to the point where it went literally like six feet to the left. So like, it was still on the T-box. If I paid you a million dollars, you couldn't hit that bad of a drive again. Yeah, well, it was still on the T-box. Yeah. And then I had, I mean,

I absolutely ripped a three-word then off the ground and kind of made up for it. But still to this day when I go in, some people like to bring up the fact that I nearly whiffed. I do have to say, though, really embarrassing things really do stay in your head and thus teach you something like I will never forget things and I won't make that mistake I don't ever bring up pregnancy anymore I've learned I've grown I don't give speeches at restaurant anymore or stand up for it I've learned I've

groaned you've groaned I've groaned um can I just say that uh I remember once talking to Tim key another comedian British comic and we were talking about how much we hate auditions and uh you know, like acting auditions, and I was telling them that, like, they never leave, like, the annoyance of an acting audition never leaves me. And, like, at that time, I had recently been on a subway or a tube. I can't remember which city I was in. And, like, I literally sitting down in front of other people and, like, I was thinking about some stupid mistake I made in an audition.

And I, like, actually started, like, speaking out loud to myself. Like, I'm fucking stupid, fucking, like, that's how much they stay. You've done that in the car before. Where I just like... You start, like, cursing. I'm like, are you okay? And you're like, I was thinking about something

from 10 years ago. Exactly. You like punch a wall. I'm like, what happened? No, hey, well, Hannah, you like bringing up wall punching? I haven't punched the wall. You've never punched the wall.

No, I haven't punched the wall for like two decades. But you, you have a... So you have punched a wall. No, but punch. No, but not, I, no, long before. You were 10 years old the last time I punched the wall. Ask me how many times I've punched the wall. Zero.

Because women are not about, That's interesting because I was hanging out with Jordan Jensen the other day and her hand was swollen. I said what happened? She said, I punched something. She was going through something. No, I'm just. And it was probably because of a man. And the minute she said it, I was like, oh, Hannah thinks that women don't punch things. It was probably because of a man. But anyway, needless to say, you like bringing up men punching walls, but I have not punched a wall anywhere next nor near you. How many times have you punched walls in your life? No, I mean, my punching walls days are over. It's not about that. It's not about.

that. When do men stop punching walls? No, but the point is that you were like, you punch a wall and then you're like, oh, I was thinking of something 10 years ago. That is not true. That was hyperbole. That was hyperbole. That was hyperbole on my part. I was joking. Any other side notes, captions to that? No, no. I'm just, I was just saying that sometimes. He hasn't punched a wall since he was younger. Luckily, I never broke my hand. Oh my God. My friend broke his hand. Because you could accidentally get the wrong part of the house. If you're going to punch walls, you have to know the architecture of the house. It's actually a lot of admin and logistics.

Okay, let's get a submission. Let's get to the call-ins. I like the call-ins. Let's get the call-ins. Okay, I'm at my boyfriend's art show, and we see his mentor, and I go to hug him and say hi. We hug, and we go in for, like, the double-cheek kiss,

and we accidentally kiss on the lips, and instead of just laughing, it off. I go, ew! And everyone was silent. It was so uncomfortable. I was completely mortified. And I still have flashbacks of it. A lot going on there. You're very high-level fans. I was at my boyfriend's art show and his mentor. What kind of guy has a mentor? Well, you know, he's an artist. He's an artist?

Yeah. Okay, I love that. I mean, a mentor, I envision it's like Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. Yeah, like he's a, he has a career in Kung Fu. He's at the stage where, you know, every day he does like 12 hours of training. Wax it on, wax off. Yeah, he has a mentor. That's fine.

So, yeah, he's the most important person in the guy's professional life. This is the thing. When people go in for that first interaction, No one knows what's going to happen. There's always that moment where it's, is it the hug? In New York, we do one kiss a lot of the time. In France, they do the double kiss. Sometimes no kiss.

Sometimes handshake. It's very difficult. You are a man, a very worldly man. How do you maneuver all the different types of hellos? No, I mean, I don't love the double kiss. No, it's so. I've never gone for a double kiss. I've always gone, oh, we're doing two here?

So then I'll do the second. But I've paused. I was like, oh, I didn't realize we're doing this. I mean, maybe if, I guess if I'm in France, I'm double kissing because I know. The second kiss never feels consensual to me. Let's face it, okay? Double kissing in the United States is pretentious. It's pretentious.

It's creepy. Let's put it down on paper. You're affected. Also, you have some friends that double kiss, and I appreciate that. Who's double kissing you? Luanne is a double kissing. Oh, well, she's French. But that's different.

she's a countess. Yes, she's a countess. If you didn't, that'll be disrespectful to her. Yeah. So she, but you think I knew that the double kiss

was coming when I met the countess? No, it wasn't. You have to be confident to try to get a double kiss from someone because you know they're not expecting it. I mean, if I knew, I don't think there's ever been a time in my life

where I knew I was double kissing. I don't, I honestly, I don't think there's ever been a time in my life. No, there's always an awkward one second where you're like, we are doing this.

I also think like, It's an air kiss. Like, when I did it with my friends, you do that one side. You're not close. I've accidentally kissed someone because we both went to the same side. And then I kind of laugh it off like we just kissed. Oh, yeah, the same side is awkward. Yeah.

And then the cheekbone crack is awkward. Oh, well, you have very sharp cheekbones. I've smacked some cheekbones in my life going in for the, going in for the, you know, it's like bang. That's why you have to go air. Like you don't want to. skip. Yeah. I've got a lot of thoughts on the, before we even get into the embarrassment of the situation. So lip kissing is very interesting. We have a friend out here that lip kisses. I'm not

going to name them. I'm not going to name them. Okay. I've known her my whole life. I've known her since I'm 14 years old. And she's, you know, she was, when I was a teenager, they were older and we used to play volleyball. And they're super cool. And honestly, she's one of my close. friend. Yeah, she's one of my favorites. Yes, but she lip kisses has always been a lip kisser. Even when you were 14. Well, whatever. We're not going to get into any, you know, like I, I'm just saying that she's a lip kisser. That's how she greets. How long does she hold it? It's a quick, it's the same as a cheek is, it just happens to be on the lips. And I, eventually I brought up to her, I was like, you know that this is not normal, right? And like, what I don't

understand is she lives in this world the same as us. And nobody else lip kisses. but somehow when I bring up that it's weird she's like what's weird about it I was like because you're the only fucking person in the planet that does this but this is what's weird she's never lip kissed me she hasn't no I think she's just lip kissing you

no she lip kisses all this crew out here she's a lip kisser man she's a lip kiss I lip kiss my I lip kiss my grandpa who passed away we used to always lip kiss really because I loved him so much Yeah, and he died from mononucleosis. I kind of killed her grandpa.

But, uh, wait, what was the disease I said last episode? Oh, mesothelial. This is a real one, you know? And if, you know, you can, it can recur as the Epstein-Barr virus. Okay, so. But anyway, we don't need to get into it. We don't have to get into that. I also, Italians and grandparents, I think that's different.

kiss, oh, I love you, you're so cute. Old people, you kiss old people and babies. I don't kiss babies on the lips, though, because babies can easily get sick. But I was awkward with the cheek kissing because when we hit our teenage, when we started, like, when we started, like, you know, realizing we, like, you know,

we wanted to, like, meet up with girls and stuff, like, we hit puberty. Everybody started to, like, kiss on the cheek. But it was not, we were not a kissy family. We were not, my family was, like, cold. My mother would kiss people, Well, she met on the cheek, but we weren't like a kissy family. When the kissing on the cheek started, I found that...

And you had Italian friends. I found it awkward. So some of the girls would like go in, but I would never know who were we kissing on the cheek to say hello and who are we not? So sometimes we were like, you know, you feel like a little embarrassed. I remember middle school when the guys started hugging. And I remember they would like hug all the girls in the group and they'd come to me and I was like, you're not getting a free feel. Like I was... Free feel.

I think my mom told me like they're all just trying to cop a feel. So I'd be like, don't hug me. I was definitely, um. Well, there was a huge pause. You're like Mitch McConnell. I thought you. It was like Mitch McConnell in the middle of the interview. What's going on with Hannah?

I don't know why. I thought you were going to jump in. Sometimes I don't like finishing sentences. Babe, you have to finish my. So anyway. So, um, the other part of the, of the embarrassing thing was, she went what did she say ew she went ew why is it ew you need

when that happens you need to fully commit you need to add tongue you need to grab his ass a little and just lean in I mean I think honestly the the ew is the most embarrassing part it's like the kiss on the lips accidental mistake you both you factored in you're you know you didn't get your cheek position correct and you've kissed the lips but now ew it's like

you've been back now you're like insulted the guy you have to just play that off with uh oops one thing we learned in comedy that's an oopsie poopsie one thing i learned in comedy is when in doubt say what everyone's thinking like when i called the woman pregnant and everyone was like oh i was like have you ever done this imagine doing it in front of 400 people so it's like when you accidentally kiss someone on the lips with that awkward intro that's when you go we just kiss on the lips though i mean that made it might make it worse No, I think you just- That was awkward, ha-ha.

Yeah, that's it. Oops. You got to embrace your awkwardness. The ew, the ew is bad because you're basically suggesting like, Ew, I, you got the cootie. I got the cooties. You're corroded. You know, that you can't.

Oh my God. You can't have that. But then she now has PTSD whenever she goes to approach someone now, it flashes in her head. Don't forget, they're at an art gallery. They're at like an art show. It's like a whole situation. I imagine like a sex in the city episode. That's so funny.

You have to just assume that he's like Mr. Big and he's actually an asshole. But anyway, good embarrassing story. That's embarrassing. You know what? This is which I've embarrassed myself before and not recovered well. But then the next time you see that person, you have an inside joke. You go, remember the time we kissed? He'll laugh.

It's hilarious. You just have to sit in it until the next time. And then you have a connected trauma bond. Yeah. Do you remember when you miss Jen? undered a child in Aruba. Do you remember? We're in Aruba.

Okay, this baby had beautiful long hair. Yeah, I know. It was fine. That's another situation. It's like, okay, well, you know that this is happening a lot, and we're fine with it. Yeah, we leaned in. We were like, I mean, he is beautiful. And they were like, we know.

Yeah, so it was fine. But that was one of those things. Do you have any other embarrassing things I did? Do you want to bring up? Oh. Okay. let's go to the next one. So I went on a date with Burke Ramsey, as in brother of Jean-Beney Ramsey, and we were at a coffee shop, and I was trying to discreetly take a picture

of him to send him to my friend, and he goes, are you taking a picture of me? And I said, no. And then we just went about our day, but I'm still having recovered. Do you know who John Bonnet Ramsey is. I don't know who these people are, sorry. Okay, Jean-Beney Ramsey is one of the most famous unsolved murders in modern day. She was that beauty queen girl who was like four or five and she went missing and everyone thinks it was either the parents or the brother. Okay. So she somehow got on a date with the brother. The brother. Yes, the brother of the girl who was murdered when she was four that everyone like it's really between the brother and the parents or an intruder that came in allegedly allegedly um that is you guys always joke about allegedly but this is actually

a situation where you really need to say this is alleged this is alleged this is actually allegedly there are a lot of people that were like he allegedly did it um this is the thing possible murderers are hot it's something that he is a bad boy well the picture thing i mean it's it's not you know you could have been more suave about it It's easy to take. Men don't know what's going on. You're just pretending you're texting. But I love who he called you out.

Yeah, I mean. You might as well ask him for a selfie at that point. Yeah, you might as well be like, well, yeah. I mean, you're potentially a killer. I mean, are you taking a picture? Are you taking a picture because you think it's cool that you're going out with this person's brother? Or are you taking a picture being like, I am with this person. If I disappear, it was definitely.

him this time. This time, there will be, there will be no confusion. You just want his photo on your phone just in case. Actually, that was smart. That was genius. I wonder, was it like, can I just say that if, like, it's, it's sad in a way, right? That this guy, you know, let's assume that this guy has nothing to do with his sister's murder. So one, he's grieving. Then he's got random people like us talking about the fact that he may have killed a sister. And then every time he tries to live his normal life, people are like, oh my God, it's Jean-Beney's sister. a brother that's fucked up you know long story short she was they the parents like called they're like we don't know where she is and there was like a kidnap letter that was like

written weirdly and they ended up finding her in the basement like tied up and they think he did it and the parents were covering it up for him alleged alleged um honestly this is like when you do stuff for the plot you lean into that like date john beny ramsie's brother just to like talk about it on a podcast. Yeah, I mean, it's, it's like modern, modern celebrity, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, like, when you get really close, you get him a little drunk and you're like, who did it. Is there crazy your mom would do that? I don't know, figure it. This is an, an opportunity lost, I think. Um, but as, at least you didn't say something about him and text that to that person, because that, actually, that is one of the most horrible things. What, texting somebody, texting the person you thought that the text was about? Or like getting, I used to do this when I was, do you know what AIM is? Yes, Hannah. That's my generation.

Okay, well, when I was in middle school, AIM was lit and I'd be like talking to a boy and then had my girlfriends and I had to tell them everything he was saying. So I kept screenshoting it and sending it to them and obviously I'd be sending it to him too. And he'd be like, why did you send me this? And I'd be like, my computer broke. And then I'd like pull out my computer. I did that like three times. times a night.

Yeah, I mean, David O'Darty, great Irish comedian, has a song. You send a text to the person the text was about. But it's always the, like, nastiest little gossip. It's always like, so-and-so's being such a bitch right now and you send it to the... I know. I can't think of the last time I did that. I've never done it, like, really bad. I've never done it really bad.

You know what I do a lot, which is not embarrassing, really, but when I'm texting in Chinese, sometimes there'll be like a sentence that gets sent. to me that I have to put into like pleco and then like when I text back I'll I'll accidentally text like the translation so they'll know that I was like translating so then I that was the least relatable thing you've ever said you know when you're texting in Mandarin let's talk about Dave and no I'm not talking about an ex I'm talking about my favorite financial dating app every now and then you get caught in some money troubles you know I had a ski accident and Canada didn't have insurance, that one hurt. You can get an expensive parking ticket. You never know

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and save 20% off at honeylove.com slash burn. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure

especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast

in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have.

For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know, that's just one stop along the way and we're hoping to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment

on IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Would you guys consider anything less than a championship to be a failure from this year? I wouldn't say anything as a failure, especially because we all grow every day. Obviously, the goal is a championship. There's no doubt in that,

and that's the goal. We want to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams. The WMBA playoffs are here and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments

you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. For all the biggest stories in women's basketball plus exclusive interviews with the game's brightest stars. So to be here, I think it's one that we definitely don't take for granted. But we also know, you know,

that's just one stop along the world. way and we're hoping to, you know, make it run. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams and IHart Women's Sports Production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment on IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Okay, you guys know it is my pod. We're going to have some stuff related to Bells, and this one is pretty great. Hands down, the most embarrassing situation of my entire life was meeting my boyfriend's

parents for the first time. We were to go ice fishing, and beforehand we went to lunch, and everyone was going on and on about ordering this creamy wild rice soup. Apparently, you can't go to Minnesota without getting this soup, in which I did, and ate every last drop of it. One thing you should know is I am violently lactose intolerant. The day ended with me on the frozen lake in front of my boyfriend and his parents. my pants around my ankles taking the most explosive shit of my entire life

have I recovered from this situation yes and no yes because we ended up getting married and no because we are now divorced oh my god I didn't see the ending coming I do have to say we got a lot of submissions about poop this one was a premium poop story that's a good I mean

is she like if you have diarrhea on a frozen lake does it like does it make like a hole in the ice because it's warm right that is such a good question because when you go ice fishing yeah you have to go like out in the middle of a lake surely that people are going to be grossed out by this no I mean are you squeamish are you squeamish I do think what if she made her own little hole to do it in yeah well I have

I mean, any number of poop stories, go ahead. But I have empathy for her because I also think I'm lactose intolerant and I'm not going to turn down a creamy wild rice soup that's recommended by the family. That's insulting to go in someone's culture and not eat their food. Yeah, absolutely. I've had diarrhea numerous times because I didn't want to offend a culture. I'm not even kidding. First time I went to China, I had to keep eating.

I had diarrhea for like a day and a half. I actually was in the hospital, food poisoning. I've had numerous times where trying not to offend people, I've, but actually my, I mean, I'm not going to get disgusting poop stories, but a long time ago, when I would still taking drugs, myself and some acquaintances of mine took some LSD. No, not, not an ex-friends that I'm not naming for legal purposes. Okay. we took some LSD and we ended up in the NYU dorms or like apartment of these NYU girls and I had the worst

double D and but I really did not want these women to think that I was doing I was had diarrhea in their bathroom like God forbid you should you know like it's so isn't it so stupid like we all do it why are we like so embarrassed why are we so uptight especially as a guy though I feel like if you have a big poop it's like manly

no but you know like that's the thing it's like everyone's like oh my god don't go in you know like we all poop our poop stinks that's just life right yeah anyway plus I was a little high so I was like you know maybe like over OCD obsessing paranoid so I

every time I walked out of the bathroom I would like rub my nose so they thought that I was doing coke in the bathroom and not diarrhea. Right. So. Oh, so you were full Oscar-worthy performance. Yeah.

So afterwards when we left, I was like, oh, man, I said to my friends, I was like, yo, man, I had the worst diarrhea, man. I keep using the bathroom. So I kept rubbing my nose and they were like, holy shit, the girl said to us, yo, I think your friend has a coke problem because he keeps fucking rubbing his nose when he comes out of the bathroom. What would you rather have them think you have a coke problem or a really bad stomach ache? At that time in my life, because I was like an affected, you know,

I was like a teenager, right? So you're like very embarrassed. At that time of my life, I would prefer them to think that I had a coke problem. Also, did you have a Coke problem? No, I didn't. I didn't have the money to have a Coke problem. But anyway. The thing with this food stuff, though, is it really is like six minutes of pleasure

for like seven hours of torture. What was that, sorry? I'm saying when you're eating something like the wild rice, it's six minutes of pleasure and then you're on a roller coaster of gas bubbles and ups and downs and pain waves for the next seven hours. Yeah, for the lactose intolerant people, yeah. And I do think wherever you go, you need an emergency poop area. So the fact that you were stuck in the middle of the ice rink, called it an ice rink, is so scary to me.

Like even if I don't have a stomachache, I need a place if I needed to poop at any second. to go to, you know? Oh, yeah, man. I mean, I've, I'm, Aiden will tell you, too. Jogging, like, when I used to be, like, training for maritons, it was always a public pooping incidents. Didn't you shit on the side of the road when we, like, first met and we were talking on the phone all the time?

Oh, I did pull over at, like, exit 68. See, I thought that was kind of, like, hot and raw family. I have put, like, I have been stuck in traffic on my way back to the comedy seller, and, like, I'll start to get nervous about the gig. I have many, anyway, I don't want to gross people out, but let's just say I've bare grillsed it many times. I used to have diarrhea before every tennis match. And once my dad was bringing me somewhere where if you play with a new coach, it's like a real tryout and you play for two hours and they see like how good you are and if he wants to work with you. And we drove somewhere in New York to see this special coach.

And I was so nervous that the lesson begins. And I was like, I have to go to the bathroom. I couldn't stop having diarrhea. For an hour and a half, I was in the bathroom. And my dad's like, yeah, they weren't really well. You're in the fucking bathroom the whole time. But I get like nervous stomach. Yeah, wait.

It's very normal. It's very normal. I, will I tell the eponymous story? I told you the eponema story, right? No. So I was jogging. I used to jog. I was jogging in, uh, in Rio.

And, uh, so exotic. And, uh, I just, I just realized like, I'm just, I wasn't, I needed to go. So I decided to go in the ocean. I swam out. I swam out quite a bit thinking like, oh, now I'm far out, like not an issue. But that's the day I discovered that it floats. It doesn't fucking sink. It doesn't sink.

Did it follow you? Well, it was just there, wasn't it? And then I was like, is the whole beach and the whole beach, see? I mean, I know it seems really. The fish are doing it too, obviously, but yeah. Once a football player peed in someone's cat litter. What? at a party.

Oh. So this was amazing. I'm sorry about the divorce, but honestly, divorces are powerful, and I love that for you. Yeah. That was a cleanse. That was a cleanse. I love that.

Okay, this looks good. One day this is going to come back to haunt me, but I was dating a guy, and we were, you know, you don't do the nasty or whatever. and I have really bad bladder issues, and in the middle of it, I ended up peeing the bed. But he thought that I had squirted in his words. And I, in fact, did not. But, you know, I let him think that.

And now I think, looking back on that relationship, that that probably went to his head. And I probably should have told him, nah, I was so bored. that I just peeped myself. So, this is a solid story. Can you tell if a girl is squirting or peeing? I haven't encountered that much squirting in my life. Then some people argue that squirting and peeing are kind of like a Venn diagram. Like, sometimes it's kind of the same thing.

I mean, I'm pretty sure it's just peeing. But how do they make it like, like, you know, there's like squirting and then there's like... A sprinkler? Yeah, like there's a sprinkler where it's like... Like, how do they make it like that if it's just... just pee. Who's doing that sprinkler? I don't know.

Oh, but they, they just know how to control it, you know? I, I, I'm not, I'm not an expert on the squirt. That is funny, though. Some women just squirt, right? They just, it's their thing. Some, but it's funny that like,

he thought he had the dopest stick ever after that. So then now you have to pee every time you have sex with him. I hope you peed on his side of the bed. Squirting, I, I've been numerous conversations about squirting. I've never seen a, I've never seen a definitive answer on whether it's P or not, you know? Yeah. I think it might have something to do with the, you know, certain, certain people find it easy to squirt because of the position perhaps of their bladder.

Yeah, the way that their vagina and their bladder match up. But I, again, I, I, it is funny how vagina's like if your clitoris is like a little longer or your g spots a little smaller like everything can hit different places it's very confusing actually one of the great things that i learned from doing the podcast with katie boyle was that the clitoris is huge yes men don't know that you know you know the shape of a clitoris right no but also that it goes behind well the actual shape of a clitoris is like a horseshoe and then it's like a wishbone because the clitoris goes on both sides of the vulva yeah and goes all the way around the back right like it's like it's like deep in you yeah yeah that i never knew i don't know about the back

but as in like you can you can it's it's it's long it's not just a bit that's sticking out yes yes that i didn't know that i didn't know but i don't have one i do think where women are privileged is that if a man peed your bed you'd be like get the fuck out of my room but if a girl pees your bed he's like my dick is fucking dope it's interesting because i've heard numerous people afraid to pee but i actually i think that that's how you squirt you got to let that go which i understand apparently i think there is a little bit like an awesome awesome orgasm where you actually allow that to go i think there is a little pee in it but i do think like full pee is a different scent than a squirt Yeah. I mean, in my drinking days, I wet numerous beds, but that was a little different. That was embarrassing.

That was good. Look at you. We're finding this embarrassing moments. I wet my, uh, my friend's bed on two different occasions. And on the second time, I tried to hide it and got caught. And it was very embarrassing. How'd you try to hide it? I just changed the sheets. But there's a stench, right? It's whatever. I just, it was bad. All, myself and my two brothers are all struggled with. the blacking out and wetting the bed. It's just... You guys just peed together? No, just, well, that was, my joke was when we were all drinking at the same time, because I stopped drinking at 19, so there wasn't much of a window for me to be drinking at the same time as Aiden. True. But if we were all drinking a Saturday night the next morning, because I used to blow dry the mattress, that was my trick. Oh, God. Why didn't you just get on... It was like a hair salon on a Sunday morning in our house. You know how Italian

grandparents have couches with plastic over it? That's what you had to do with your mattress. I have a joke. I say, wetting the bed because you drink too much in a Saturday night doesn't mean then you're an alcoholic. It's a symptom of alcoholism. Buying plastic sheets so you can drink every weekend without worrying about wetting the mattress means you have a problem.

That's a joke I have. That is so funny. Okay, this next one's good. Hey, Hannah. So I used to waitress at a really fancy restaurant in Australia. and people would often ask me to take their photos in front of the kind of fancy seafood platter they'd ordered or whatever. So this one time this couple asks me to take a picture, so I do so, but I realise that

the guy's eyes are closed, so I'm like, oh, well, let's do it again, your eyes are closed, pointing at him. I take it again, and the same thing happens. So I'm like, oh, your eyes are closed again, and that happens three times before the woman is like, it's fine, just leave it, just leave it. So as I walk back over to give her the camera, I look at the guy properly and realize he has a lazy eye, which doesn't open properly. This was over 10 years ago, and I probably think about that moment every other day. Love you, Hannah. Please come to the UK and do stand up.

That's a good one. Poor woman. look I love how the woman was like we're good, we got it open your eyes well this is the thing you can't preface every photo being like by the way of a lazy eye

but I want it probably happens all the time and they're just used to it yeah you know unless people want the drama and they're like X guy you know most of the time they're just used to it yeah I once made fun of someone

for having a lazy eye because I thought he was just like high and he was like, yeah, I have a lazy eye. Did you feel bad? We kind of laughed about it. Oh, okay. And then honestly, like, lazy eyes are low-key hot sometimes. Like, when a guy has a lazy eye, it looks like he's, like, been through some shit.

Yeah, like, Forrest Whitaker. Is that a lazy eye? Yeah, that's hot. I don't have any lazy eye jokes. You know what I think? I think of calling it a lazy eye is kind of fucking rude. like there's not there's definitely the other eye that started that

it was the other eye was like this fuck a guy I'm open I'm open here all day working so hard you know how hard it is to keep a full extension all day and this guy's half close half the day yeah how have people not

seen that and been like maybe we shouldn't use a bad adjective to describe someone's eye that has some difficulties it's like the homeless are called on how's lazy eyes should be called partially

I get the unmotivated eye okay let's see what we have oh this one is for you hey bestie so back in college

I worked at a restaurant and I was super into this guy that I worked with who was maybe like a few years older than me I was maybe like 20 at the time 19, 20

and he invited me over to a date at his place I went over you know one thing led to another. We start hooking up. We're in his room. You know, super steamy, whatever. I go to the bathroom and I noticed that I had my period and I was like, okay. And I go back to the bedroom and it looks like a fucking murder scene. I'm not even kidding. Shit looks like I cut off his leg. Like it is so bad. I immediately washed myself up, put clothes on and left. Like I didn't even bother

cleaning up didn't I think barely said sorry he was super nice super forgiving but still like oh my god how mortifying I mean I would have been like him and I guess it wouldn't have been able to get over her embarrassment I would have been like your dick was so big that it just cut my insides open and that was so good you need to connect with the pee girl just pee and bleed all over his bed and be like your dick was so good babe guys like that shit right you feel really powerful after so i said this was for you because you do have a lot of jokes about period sex yeah i'm more comfortable talking about it on in my stand-up than this discussion we're having right now to be honest with you well you want to normalize period sex i i think she shouldn't be

you know i can understand her embarrassment i think most guys can tell a story about a time where the woman didn't realize it had started and uh you know some guys tell it and the kind of it was so disgusting way or some guys tell it and there must have been embarrassing for her way but i do have to say with with like when you're at a guy's place the peeing obviously the period yes the spray tan when you get up and it looks like there's just dirt all over his bed this is when like he venmoes you for plan B, you Venmo him for new sheets. Dry cleaning. Dry cleaning.

Yeah. But, Aiden used to have a joke. He used to say, you know, Irish girls, they wear so much fake tan, and then they, you know, they're, like, they're so afraid to, like, just be themselves. You know, one time I had a one-night stand, and this girl wouldn't look at me in the morning. She was like, I got to go put on my face. So I just handed it to the pillow and was like, look, here it is.

No, I've, like, even last week in Montreal, I got my face did, and I went and I saw a comic I knew and he's wearing this white shirt and we hug and I look and like my whole face is on his sleeve and I'm like, I am so sorry, but like I don't know what to do. I can't permanently put makeup on my face. But as far as the period stuff goes, I mean, listen, it happens. It's embarrassing. But you should never be, you know, you shouldn't feel ashamed. CSI

CSI bedroom It's just the way it is That's when you take a photo And you also have the photo Of John Bonnet Ramsey's brother And you say, I know what happened It's a good callback, babe I was too busy thinking

That she's doing a call back here To laugh I was a fine callback Wow, thank you guys For being so vulnerable So beautiful and funny and smart as always and sending us

your most embarrassing stories. Yeah, I mean, it was definitely dirtier than I was expecting. Yeah, I think Does is like, shook. I mean, you know, I just, I just, you know what happens? I do other people,

I, I, I, I, the listener becomes overly present in my mind when, when we've, when we've persistently talked about kind of either dirty, well I don't like the word dirty for sexual stuff but just there was a lot of bodily flu you know

it was it was more than I was expected see it's crazy because that's like my comfort zone but it is mine too when I'm like when I'm expecting you know what I mean when I'm expecting it like when I'm expecting it like when I used to do the shift with Katie it was it was a sex podcast we were talking dirty I I didn't realize I was entering into the realm of of of that subject matter today So I wasn't in the mindset. If poop didn't happen today, I would have been disappointed. Yeah, I understand. And there were a lot more poop ones.

We chose the best ones. Let's face it, it was majority poop. Well, next episode. In the edit, I'm saying. Like, the messages, like, if you thought there was a lot of poop, there was 3% of the stuff that was sent to us. Okay, so Des is going straight to therapy after this. Next episode, hopefully we'll have. less bodily fluids, but I cannot promise anything.

Yeah, we haven't thought of the topic of the next week, right? No, no, yeah. We got to do some advice, too. Yeah, let me know if you guys want advice, because we did get a bunch of advice questions. And I, you know, because I want, you know, to, you know, to get some depth. Well, you know, because what happens is people, people look for advice and then you think about your own life, you know, get a bit of, like, insight into your own life, makes you think about things you know i mean i love advice i think we definitely should do it and we both and i want some guys

i would like some guys voices coming in because at the end of the day you know you have giggly squad it's for the girls this is not that we don't want this to be for the girls but it would be nice to to get a you know cross the spectrums of all the genders well thank you guys so much for calling to burner phone check out my instagram stories for prompts coming up to leave you leave more voicemails. You also can send advice questions right now in the description of the pod. Leave a review on Burning in Hell. Let us know how it's going.

I think this is going to be a fun journey. And you guys are the best for being a part of it. And we'll talk to you later. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Whatever team Fia is on has a chance to win a championship. I'm Christina Williams, host of the podcast, in case you missed it with Christina Williams.

The WMPA playoffs are here and I've got the inside scoop on everything from key matchups and standout players to the behind-the-scenes moments you won't find anywhere else. It's really, really hard to be the champions, but we have to remember how it feels and embrace the new challenge that we have. So listen to, in case you missed it with Christina Williams, in iHeart women's sports production in partnership with deep blue sports and entertainment on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.