Berner Phone - Berner Phone #23: Exciting Updates

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

This week we are getting updates from some of our favorite dialers. Hannah and Des share some personal updates, we get the full happy ending story, and so much more.  Des has a YouTube special coming January 16th! Subscribe HERE! Squeezed.com free delivery with code BERN 20% off at honeylove.com/BERN  

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little, medium, and big dialers. We're so excited for a very special episode. Yes, it's our update. This is really, honestly, this is really a celebration of Bernafone and the acknowledgement of how important the dialers are.

And it was actually personally great to hear some of the updates of the, you know, some of them quite momentous moments so far in the pod. If you've been listening to Burnerphone, this is going to be exciting for you. And if you haven't, this will still be exciting for you because you're about to get some tea. So basically, sometimes we get messages that we're, like shut the front door what is going on we need more information and then sometimes someone will send us something and we're like we need an update on this so this is the update episode

to clarify to just get us back on the same page with all the dialers um and we're also going to update you on what's going on in our lives a little bit yes i was going to say we're going to get into it but we're on it we're zooming today Hannah and I are not in the same place but can I just say a couple of highlights that are coming up after Hannah and I get caught up. We find out the full story behind the female happy ending massage. So that's very exciting. Very exciting. We find out what happened after, I don't know if you recall, the pooping in the ice story, the pooping in the Midwest pooping in the ice story. We get an update. We get an update on that. we get some people ratting themselves out for actually being used twice with us not recognizing

that it was the same person and a lot more a lot more exciting stuff oh oh and the the the woman who had was with two guys in the one day she she pops in and so it's very exciting yeah because I feel like they say something to us we say something back and then it's like you can't just end it there we can't just end the convo there we get a pregnancy kink update also also. Oh, and I don't know if you remember the woman that asked to be in a Southern accent. She gives us the full story on what actually was going on between her sister and the husband. I don't know if you recall that one. So there's really, there's really a lot. Fish tank, beige flag. We've got a lot of stuff coming up.

You're quite the tease right now. You're like, next up, on Burnaphone. You're not going to believe. We'll be back after the break with your updates. The most dramatic season ever. and then we won't actually get into that dramatic season for three episodes so anyway oh god but yeah des is in las Vegas I am in New York City holding the house down being the backbone of the household with butter and I just say that I have the driest skin ever I can't I can't take the desert man I got my balls I've never I'm sorry for for being graphic but I've never had chafed balls like I have at the moment. I have dry skin all over the place. I think I have

eczema, honestly. I think you might just be super white. Yeah, I just, I struggle in the desert air. So shout out to all my people that can, that can tolerate the desert. I've, I've been dowsing myself with the usurin oatmeal, you know, skin calming lotion. What are we going to say? Is Reno in Nevada? Reno is in Nevada, yeah. Okay, I have a show in Reno coming up. But Paige and I have been to Las Vegas a couple times, and we've just, Paige particularly hates Las Vegas. And we joke that Vegas is like L.A.'s cousin that does heroin, and everyone kind of is like, they're fun at least at holiday parties, but don't spend too much time with them. I mean, I'm fine. I'm fine with Vegas. I have a good time in Vegas. I just, I can't handle the, I can't handle the dry scan. And yes. You know, the thing about Vegas is like you're on one street and it's like you feel like you're in like paradise.

It's lit up and then you turn a corner and you feel like you're on Skid Row. There's no real separation. And then sometimes you feel like you're in Times Square desert, which is weird. Like it's really crowded and busy. I did get a weird time massage once there not to compete with the other massage girl. But it was not, it was good. just she was jumping on the back, twisting me around, and then she's using the blanket to like strangle you, but like in a good way.

That's a real, that's a proper time massage. Yeah, I got a proper time massage, but I was not prepared for it. So I went on an emotional and physical journey that day. That's good. You needed to release, you needed to release that trapped emotion. I was about to say she released some trauma from like 1997 that I was holding in in my lower back, which was nice. I also remember Vegas, like it was so, it's so bright because like,

The sun, I don't know the, I'm not a woman in STEM, but the sun is, like, so close to the earth in Vegas. We're like, you open your eyes and it just so bright. I know, but I love that part. I love that. I've been, like, trying to get my vitamin D in hard, you know. So, anyway, we don't want to get too bug down. I used to tell, sell T-shirts in Vegas because I worked for a T-shirt company and they had all these, like, big sales things where, like, everyone, wanted to have a booth in Vegas and you try to sell to like wholesalers and I would just stand

there but I was I've also never been I think is that is that is that a trade fair is that what we're yes yeah like that and um it's not fun don't don't zero out of five stars um especially if you're like not friends with the booth across from you and you just awkwardly stare at them the whole time and then whenever people come walking you try to compete for their attention um so that was a highlight of my life and then I don't do betting and stuff I'm not a blackjack kind of guy I don't do the dice stuff. I'm pretty tight with my money. I'm not going to lie.

I'm pretty tight with it. I've been at the Comedy, cell of Vegas, and we had some dialers at the show, actually. We had some dialers on night two, I think. Night two, we had some dialers. That was exciting. They asked for a photo afterwards.

Oh, that's exciting. I mean, dialers are everywhere. We're kind of taken over. We're taken over. So, did you, you know, I don't know if you talked to Paige about the Golden Globes, but we, we, we, we, we, also watched the Golden Globes

remotely. Yes. So Paige and I have covered the Golden Globes, but it is interesting to get your perspective as a stand-up comedy who's been in the biz a long time. And since our conversation, I've been talking to more comics about kind of the Joe Coy

situation. Do you have any notes? I mean, I feel, number one, I feel bad from him because it's like a thankless task, you know? It's very hard to, like, kill. it's very hard to have like an amazing experience. At best you have like a neutral or slightly good experience,

but it's quite easy to have the experience that he had. And because he's this like mega act, but he's kind of niche, you know, because like comedy's gotten niched up. So he's kind of niche. So he was sort of like he was selling himself to the world for the first time and it came off bad because he wasn't playing to his strengths. So I kind of feel for him.

Yes. I feel like some people are really trying to get into like how horrible his jokes were. I mean, at worst, they just, they weren't great jokes. None of it was particularly problematic. I mean, the very worst criticism you could give is that there was like a misogynist hint on the Barbie joke. But like, you know, not the end of it wasn't a hint. It was straight up misogynistic. and which is what people got so mad at was the whole point of the Barbie movie is about like to stop the misogyny against women and then he says the movie's just about a plastic doll with boobs but Greta Gerwig was funny though she was like he's not wrong and she just left it off because like I don't think it's that serious it's just a joke it's not that's what I mean it's not it's not that it's not that serious it just was disappointing because it's like he could have done something more interesting

than like do the obvious bit like yeah the fact that Barbie and Oppenheimer where the two top movies is incredible because Barbie is about a doll but it's been made into long story short what his experience was is it is true that stage is intimidating where like it's the most famous people like globally and international superstars a plus plus plus list it's like going being in high school and going to like all the cool kids sitting at a lunch table and you're told go roast them and they don't know who you are. Yeah, and they don't care. They're like, they don't want to be roasted. Yeah, and like, I can't imagine how deflating it would be for me if I had to look back on Harrison Ford not liking my joke. I think that's why he panicked and

started blaming the writers because I think of that moment, he was like, please love me, Harrison Ford. It's not my fault. Let me believe someone else. Yeah, and I think, you know, I, we've, all been there as comedians where you like you panic and you go to like some survival instinct of making fun of the crowd or like you know if you do you're being like oh

that was a new bit or that worked last week I don't know what's wrong with you guys like we've all done that but like in that context it just it just doesn't work it's like it's too high stakes to be like he was like almost messing around and doing side comments and he's like you guys shut up you're stupid

you don't get that but I've been there man I've been there you know I've been there where I'm in a show it's not going well my mouth is getting dry I always say the heat is going to your head and your head just feels hot I've never done it in front of

Robert Downey Jr. and Taylor Swift and like even the Taylor Swift thing like her drink in the glass like that's not even that bad of her reaction like she was actually starting to get a bit of heat from people being like why couldn't you just fake laugh but like she was probably just trying to be a little silly herself just

like, you know, whatever. Yeah, I think she probably went in being like, they're going to make fun of me and Travis, Kelsey. So then when he did, she kind of probably had that kind of planned a little bit because his joke was like, whatever. Yeah, whatever. I ultimately think that Joe Koi's fans are still going to be his fans. He did not lose any fans from that.

He's now. And he's pretty famous now. He's pretty famous. He's all they talked about after the Golden Globes. And I hate to say, all press is good press. It's infamous. Everyone's going to watch his special because they're going to be like, what the fuck is this guy going to say? And if he can like capitalize it and make fun of it and really, you know, I think at the end of day, it's going to be fine for him.

I think he's going to be just fine. You know, people didn't talk about that I was talking about last night. You know, I'm doing a show of Michael Yo, right? So he actually, he knows Joe Koi really well. We were talking about, I would have thought one of the toughest things to do was after he knew that he didn't do well, right? I mean, he bombed. I think the consensus is that he bombed. So after he knew he bombed in front of the whole world, most likely was on Twitter, most likely saw that Twitter was ripping him a new one. And then he had to go out every half hour and be like, so coming up, we got the best. And he had to do that all cheery. That was hard. That must have been hard, man. Normally, the host has like one or two other, like, or he says some jokes. He said not one joke after the monologue. I think people were joking. They were like, did Joe Coy get fired mid-show?

Because he just was coming out and had to just announce them and would turn around. If I was him, I actually, I was like, I hope he hasn't looked at Twitter. But he must have. But maybe he's, I think he's an older guy. Maybe he was like not looking at his phone. But like I would have just stayed in the moment, deal with it after, try to enjoy the moment. Yeah, I mean, he dealt with it. I mean, you know he's going to write a new show.

I was thinking, of course, I'm a history major. So I was thinking that he could call his show the Marshall Plan. because that's how America rebuilt Europe and Japan after the bombings. Very niche. That was very niche. That won't play. That won't play.

It's very niche. But, you know, I think he could have made a buy. Like literally Oppenheimer created the atom bomb mid-show. Instead of blaming the writers, he could have been like, you know, Oppenheimer found life difficult after the bombing. And I'm finding that right now myself like that. I think he could have got the bomb.

that you guys saw in Oppenheimer is not as bad as the bomb you're witnessing now like this I hope I wish that almost the writers were like okay we got to have some stuff we got to get him back mid show and do like three minutes to try to get them back but shoot he lost them like 30 seconds in he lost the crowd

well that was a bad opener man he started bad but anyway whatever people are saying he should have started more self-deprecating yes people know who he is even do like a joke that always works but that's we can that just socially like I've I used to be I think like insanely self-deprecating to a point that people like wouldn't respect me but I think when in doubt in a situation making a little joke

starting towards yourself puts everyone in the room a little calm it's likable and it's relatable now I have to say we're not going to name any names but you you bumped into somebody that gave you a little tea that they were talking to like somebody who's connected to that writer's room and they and they were saying oh he was actually getting pressure to start self-deprecating he didn't want it to he didn't want to

now I took that to some other people and they they severely challenged that and said they think that's just gossip and Chinese whispers that that actually is not you know that that most likely did not happen because actually they would think that his go-to position would have been to start self-deprecating

you know his whole shtick is that you know so I that was I don't think they were going with like should I try to act like I've like been here before this is normal but it's like you got it the whole thing with comedy is if they don't know who's talking it's hard to understand the context of the jokes so you got to give them a little frame of like this is who I am but it was honestly it was a it was a great learning experience we're not big name droppers on the pod but uh killian obviously we very rarely talk about it, but Killian is a host friend of mine, and he's now Golden Globe for Best Actor, seriously under-awarded throughout his career. He's had a great career, but he's...

Arguably the number one Zaddy on the internet right now, and he doesn't even know it. He rules the internet, and he's so anti-mobile phones. I saw some press conference afterwards, and he was, like, complaining about mobile phones. But anyway, he's so anti-social media, so he's not even like, you know, he's not even aware what's going on, but he rules the internet. He is the king of the internet. It's very hard to find a negative thing about killing him on the internet. But it goes back to, part of me is like, oh, shoot, like, it would be so, it's so funny that he can't see that he's, like, doing so well on the internet.

But it comes back to, like, he also can't see when things go badly on the internet. So he's just living, like, this free life. And not that things have gone bad, but. So he said that Yvonne gave him the opener because, you know, she kissed his nose. And then it was, so he actually thought that the. the lipstick thing was like, the lipstick thing was like a win for him. Yes. No, it was adorable. It went, everyone would quoted it. Do I have lipstick on my nose? But you know what? I haven't talked to them about, which I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to call Yvonne because Yvonne is now famous.

She's been very like not public. His wife. But now she's, yeah, sorry, his wife. So they, they very much have now had like a very public moment because that was like memeable, you know, her wipe in the face. I've already seen a collection of conversation being like, yeah, she was letting the world know that that's my man. And she was like marking her territory. She was marking her territory. I actually, all I saw when the camera cut, they didn't show Yvonne. They just showed her hand wiping his face. Did she miss his mouth or did she purposely kiss his nose? Just classic Irish people like affection is just not natural.

It's just like a classic Irish affection moment. like oh god what do we do this do you go to the right or i go to the left i missed his face oh my god so it was great but then i saw a cool thing of some other press conference they were doing robert danny junior really praising killing so it's pretty cool man to think oh my god it's incredible i mean he's now like he's the number one he's going into the the greatest actors of all time category and which is hard to believe and you were in acting school with him no no we were in the Drama Society together. We did observe the Sons of Volster marching towards the Somme of Frank McGinnis play. So active school. About in World War I, but it was just we're in college and then

he dropped out after first year because he got he got cast on like a professional play, disco picks. He was doing law. He was doing law in UCC, just like having a normal career. And he had a great band called The Sons of Mr. Green jeans. Wow. I always just knew him as like the iconic villain in like everything. And to see him in this. part. Actually, I have to still watch Oppenheimer. I think I might watch it today. I might watch it actually right after this podcast. But the thing with these award shows is like once you have a good movie, all the award shows, you just like win everything. So like he's going to have a busy award season. I know that it's like different academies or different people voting, but like.

Oh no, but he's definitely going to be nominated for an Oscar. I bet my life on it. Whether he wins or not is another story. What do you think about awards in general? I don't believe in them, but I think I'm happy for killing because he's been like, he's been underappreciated until very recently. Obviously people love peekie blinders.

That's been, that's been the kind of the mainstream change for him. But like, finally, he's getting like the plotts he deserves because he's like so committed. Like people don't understand. Like none of this, you know,

all the memeable stuff about him being disinterested. He has no interest in celebrity, none. And it's funny that he, and now he's the biggest celebrity. Yeah, but the thing is that it's always about the work. You know, he's got that like Daniel Day Lewis thing. It's not pretentious. It's genuinely who he is. And he has always been, he always, yes, he's always been that way.

He puts tremendous thought into, you know, his characters. He puts, he's very discerning with his choices, probably to a fault at a time. I'd say if you asked him in his, you know, at one point, point in his career, probably said, damn, was I too discerning? But, like, in the end, it pays off. He's only ever did projects that he was passionate about. So, and of course, Christopher Nolan, one of the greatest directors of all time, like loves Killian, which is in itself a sign. And he thanked him in the speech accordingly, to be honest. So anyway, enough with the, enough with the name dropping. I did talk about Saltburn, which you haven't watched.

Well, that's Barry Keogh. And, you know, he's from the flats. Like, you know, had a very tough childhood, you know what I mean? I don't know him. I met him very briefly at the Dunkirk. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. You didn't tell me that. Oh, very, but like he doesn't, you know, was he in Dunkirk?

Yeah, he's the, he's with killing in that on the boat. Oh, wow. Well, it was just crazy that three Irish guys at the Golden Globes were nominated. And Andrew Scott, I know too, but you know, I'm not like, Andrew Scott, I just know from the business. We're not like close. But he's a great, he's a great guy.

Ireland has the most handsome, hilarious men on the planet. But let's, it is a small island. So for three Irish men to be nominated for, like, best actor is fucking incredible. Yeah, and What's His Face is also getting applauded. He wasn't nominated at Golden Globes, but he's been nominated in other stuff. Your boyfriend. Oh, Paul Mescal? I'm just, Paul Mescal, Paul Mescal.

So people don't know. What is he, has he been affected by Pedro Pascal? No, I think mescal is what they call it. They put in margaritas. Oh, right. So I was watching normal people and like fell in love with the Irish mystique of Paul Meskile. And then Des Bishop walked into my life. And I said, the universe was just getting me in position.

Paul Mescal warmed you up for me. Got you in the zone. Buttered me up. Michael Fastbender's getting some plaudits too for that movie that we thought was kind of. we thought was kind of born, but he's Irish, too, even though his parents are German, but he grew up in Ireland. I love Michael Fastbender, put him on my list. Also, I just realized that Pierce Brosnan is Irish.

I thought he was British. You just learned that, yeah. I thought he was British. I apologize to the academy. So, girlies, get an Irish boy. I highly recommend. Anyway, we were indulging in some, we were indulging there in some catch-up.

And lastly, before we start, 25 minutes in Oh god I hope the dollars are going to be okay with this I don't know Dallas can let us know whatever dollars want But I think we don't talk about our personal lives that much on here So I think it's it's fun

You know they're about to give us more tea So we're giving them some tea We like to work You know this is an even partnership You have some updates Oh yeah so we have the special coming out on January 16th Which is just an arbitrary date that I picked Okay

But this is officially the announcement January 16th. On this podcast, yeah, January 16th. You heard of hear first. Because it's a day I'm not traveling because I fly back to New York on the night of the 15th. And then on the night of the 16th, I fly to Ireland. So we have 24 hours together. But during that time, I will put the Des Bishop of all people on YouTube.

And we think it's good. I mean, listen. I'm the executive producer. I want to just put it out there. What? I'm not happy with what I. I'm wearing. Oh, God.

I tore my calf a few weeks before we recorded, and I was very immobile during the filming. Do you want to put it in like a pre, like write it in before it starts, a precursor? I was too lazy to go to Soho and get some nice clothes. So I put on a suit that I already had, but because I had torn my cap and hadn't been mobile for like four weeks, I really had put on a lot of weight. And in my opinion, the suit doesn't fit me. I can't even watch.

The special's great. The comedy top tier. Des aesthetically is not in love with it. I think he looks amazing, but I'm also biased. I can't even watch it based on how unhappy I am with how I look. But my mobility issues are not obvious in the podcast. His cheekbones look as good as ever. They don't, actually.

Anyway, we're not going to get into my issues with the lighting. But Des Bishop Comedy on YouTube, we'll be posting a lot about Instagram. I love this special so much. And it's kind of cool because I feel like it's all material that you've been working on since you met me or updated bits. And it's like, it just, it makes me so happy. I'm so in love with all the bits on this special. For the Irish fans, yes, there are some repeated bits from the last thing that I recorded. But I recorded it in Ireland.

So these are the versions of these jokes that have been running through the American comedy circuit. I think they're better now. And I just thought I'm going to put them into this special because the idea behind this one is that hopefully we can get more American people watching it. And this special is great. You have some updates. Well, I'm just saying with your special, you do everything. You have Mandarin, you have dirty stuff, you have old school stuff that people's parents alike, the girls alike. guys will like it. I think it has nostalgia. I just think this special has everything and I'm so

excited to put it out. In the in the edit, I took a lot of the nostalgia out because I didn't want to alienate the younger audience. But I it could have been a lot more nostalgic actually. But anyway, it's it's, I think it's accessible to everybody. I don't, I think even if you're Gen Z, I think the nostalgia stuff will hit for you still. I think it's set up in a way that it's yeah uh you'll understand it but anyway you have some updates because i'm getting uncomfortable talking about me this one so i oh i love talking about me i um i'm basically from the 18th on this month i'm on the road preparing to do something with my comedy that will be announcing soon you're not you're not announcing that yet it'll it'll be announced on the 22nd of january oh okay so

There's an announcement coming. This announcement. It's exciting. That's exciting. I want to let the little dialers in on a little stinking. Let them guess. Let them guess. It's all right.

This is a tease. I'm working towards something. A lot of teasing. We are fucking freaky. Let's stop teasing them. We don't want any blue balls. Let's get some updates from the dialers. Yes.

And don't forget that Hannah shows are in Reno and Aspen Will would be skiing where I was just in Palisades Lake Tahoe where within 48 hours there was a. avalanche and somebody died so it's a it's a crazy stuff you're so good at keeping the mood positive all right it's not fun so uh let's get let's get some updates uh this is just somebody who wants to know something about something that they had messaged in with hi hannah hi des so i love you both um i left the comment on one of your first episodes i think it was a episode about best advice and my advice was the separate blankets

and beds and I'm just wondering as a fault have you guys made the switch clearly you must have because you're still together right anyways love you both bye does was on the road and I was having trouble sleeping and I realize it's definitely not me I'm not the problem it's not my running thoughts and intrusive thoughts keep me up at night

I need a new mattress so I just decided to buy a new mattress on my phone It comes in, Des comes home, he goes, what's that huge box? I'm like, can you help me put this mattress on the bed? And you're like, as a couple, you can't just buy a mattress without talking to your husband about it. And I was like, I'm an independent woman. Yeah, a mattress, a mattress is 100% a consensus purchase. But my argument is I know what you like.

I know what you like. That's my argument. You went rogue on that. I did go rogue on that. I was having a sensitive moment. And in classic Hannah and Des fashion, it still sits in the box. Not out of any great protest, just out of our inability to actually make the decision to do it. So I have an update.

My parents visited and my mom is like on her shit and she goes, we got to do this bed. But I'm like, how do we get the mattress out? And she's like called maintenance. And maintenance basically was like, we can't help you guys get the king bed downstairs because it's a liability. And I was like, okay. so that me and my mom had to put this bag over the king mattress which was like a possible

then we shoved it in the elevator with my dad just closed the door and then I don't know what happened after that but the mattress is gone wow wow that's amazing yeah because that was my main issue really with the mattresses I didn't want to deal with that that you have now dealt with so good for you

but the thing is we needless to say we don't sleep in separate beds but actually we've never we've never really had that much of an issue. The only issue we ever have is you coming into bed late at night. Yes. That's the only issue

and it's only an issue when I wake up. I'm researching and then around 3 a.m. I'm like I should go to bed and I will like touch something and Des is a hunter so he gets scared and he wakes and goes, oh! No, I wake wake up. I'm a light sleeper. And then I'm trying to charge my phone. I'm trying to find

the plug. I can never find it. He's sleeping on the charger of course. And I pull it and he's like, oh! He's he, you know, I'm a light, I'm a light sleeper. But anyway, we haven't had. But we did, Des, we did sleep in separate beds in Aruba. Oh, yeah, because I mean, that's the, we had the two queens in the bedroom. We had two queens and we both just got in our beds and not once did we think we should sleep together.

No, it was great. It was like, it was nice. It was like we'd been married for 50 years. So, anyway. Oh, but the one. thing the other thing I wanted to say about this was her advice is great was very very well received on the internet oh yeah the internet lost it the scandinavians the scandinavians as it turns out it turns out they always do separate duvets it's like separate quilts that's like the scandinavian way so

scandinavans are like wow how did you guys not know this so uh huge huge response online so thank you very much we really really appreciate it we really appreciate you change lives you're out here changing lives. I am guilty of subscribing to things and being like, oh, I'm going to unsubscribe after seven days and then you never do it. And that's how they get you. And next thing you know, things add up. Fifteen dollars a month adds up. Next thing you know, why do I have 17 different streaming services that I'm not even using? And then I discovered Rocket Money. Oh my gosh. Everyone has to use it. It's going to save you money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that fines and cancels your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps lower your bills.

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Check out squeezed.com for a delicious juice cleanse delivered to you. So here's the one. Come on, here's the one everybody wants to know. Hey, it's your queen, the girl who got the happy ending massage. So disguise my voice, please. I just wanted to follow up with some unanswered question. So for one, I did not book an erotic massage. He, towards the end of the massage, started rubbing a little too close to my A-hole, and I, my heart started pounding, and then he was like, you okay? And I was like, yeah. And then he went a little bit closer to the Vigene. And he was like, you okay, you're okay? And I was like, yeah, my heart was pounding, but I just allowed it, and I got off. And he was whipping out his thing. And I was like, nope, I'm not having sex with you, but you can touch me. And also, do not call me. Do not.

on time to me he's like i don't have your number and i'm like true but like am i your favorite customer and he was like yes and yeah this was all on a chinese translator and that's basically the gist of it i love you guys i mean i don't know how to feel about this i don't know i don't know how to feel about this either um i mean i guess it's it's he checks I guess, but I would suggest that in a professional setting, it's a no-no. It's illegal.

Yeah, I think personally this is a he overstepped. But in saying that she appears to have had a positive experience. Yes. My concern is that he's probably made

a lot of people uncomfortable over the years. Like it just so happens that she was somebody who was like into it, but it can't. Plus he's like he's like whipping out his dick. Yeah. So I mean, it's a great story and it's great that she's okay with it, but it does it does make me, it makes me concerned that this is happening on on the regular. Do you think with when men get happy endings, sometimes they don't know it's going to be and it turns into one like that? Or is it? I have absolutely been offered happy ending massages. When you didn't know. yeah and I'm like oh no I'm good

but like also it's like I feel like if he had asked her before the massage she'd probably be like no thank you but she was like in the moment and it was like kind of create and she kind of leaned in but like it's it sounds like she's as long as she's good girl we support it yeah I mean she's fine with it now here's the big difference between a female happy ending massage like this and a male one if you're in a happy ending massage place but you don't know

and then the woman is like trying to give you a happy ending she's going to ask you for money whereas he was just like oh this is fun that is so funny yeah she's like okay do you have to pay before uh yeah they they ask you for like a like a tip whatever before it's essentially it's like it's like a lap you know it's like a lap dance when you're getting your nails done they're like okay you got to pay before exactly they're like do you want a plastic wrap around your calves it's the same with a happy ending massage she's just upselling they're like you want you have to get your you know um chin hair waxed you're like yes let's just say let's just say your masseuse uh took the full body massage to the next level that was 100% full body yeah but i'm glad

but the fact that he was good at it like it's hard i have all these you know stand-up stuff it's hard to come especially when you're not in your own bed and you're not alone yeah this guy's got skills this guy has some fucking skills i mean i've definitely seen the like the you know pornos where it's like a whole thing like massage girl massage is like a whole genre yes but then it's also kind of creepy

like is he just like one of those guys who's like obsessed with massaging girls I mean it's not that's why I don't go to male guy knows it's not it's not cool but she had a great experience so I don't think she should I don't think she should take it out of the positive experience

but she definitely was like don't message me ever again leave me alone don't stalk me he has to be like pushing the boundaries on the regular you know also the whole like the whole dick coming out I don't need

and then the fact that she had to say no with a dick out I don't love that yeah on fucking Google Translate yeah that's why yeah she's like hold on one sec you could okay hold on one second yeah he's like me sure for my

anyway that's that's a that's a story and a half. That is a good update. I want to know when we do an update episodes in the future would you go back? I love her, she's like, am I your favorite though? Yeah, I was like, oh, but she has to like,

she's going to have to become like Chris. She's like, am I the tightest pussy you've ever? Well, I like that. She was like, am I your favorite customer ever? Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. So, I want to know if she'd ever go back and where it is and what this man's name is. So let's, uh, oh, yeah,

this is very interesting. This is like, this is not an update per se. This is something related to a message from the beige flag episode. Oh. Hey Hannah. Hey, Des. This is a follow up to, I think one of the first burner phone episodes you guys did where you guys had someone call in about, I think it was a beige flag that he had fish tanks. And I fully think that it was about my boyfriend. And I just want you guys to know that we now collectively have three fish tanks in our room one is 170 gallons and for size reference we can lay down in it probably not together but like maybe we should try well now that's got water in it so we can't but just for size reference like i could fit inside of it

and have room and then i have my own and then he has another one and we also have a bird and three dogs and two cats, and maybe we'll have a farm someday. But that's all. Everyone's going to find their person, and my fish boyfriend found his person, and it's me, fish girl. That is all. Love you guys. Love the pod.

Thanks. Bye. Oh, my God. Fish girl. We have the first character. We have the first character. We have the first character. We were looking for them.

Fish girl. Fish girl listened to the episode and was like, oh, shit. I think she's talking about my boyfriend. It's so funny because whenever someone calls in, I assume they're just like a girl in New York City living, you know, in Midtown with like a small apartment. And she's like, we have seven dogs, three fish tanks. I'm like, this is not in New York City. They're in some fucking mansion somewhere where real estate is just, you know, huge.

I'm jealous. I think it's cool. I think it's cool because we kind of ripped on this guy. We actually, I don't know if you recall, but when the beige flag came in saying, I dated this guy and he had like had a lot of fish tank. like yeah we said he was a serial killer yeah we ripped on him he was like my pretty and then she she was listed to the episode being like holy shit she's talking about fish guy i do so have to say the guy that i live with there is a turn on to see like when a guy cares about an animal like i always

talk about when i met you you were fostering a pit bull and i was like if he can manage that pit bull maybe he can manage me like he's it was like how you cared about it it was just cute the fish thing is very funny to me. I also love that they were like, we have one that we share. I have my own fish tank and he is his own fish tank. That's great. I'm just such a happy. That's such a happy.

Now, obviously, there's more drama that's behind the scenes, which is did she recognize the voice of the girl who's talking about her ex-boyfriend or the guy that she used to date? Did she recognize the voice and be like, who's this bitch that's calling in? That's clearly talking about you. And when was

this? When did you have these fish tanks? Yeah, exactly. When did she see our fish? Also, fish tanks are a lot of admin. Yeah, like, did you let our fish hang out with that girl? Yeah, but it's great. I'm so happy that they're that they're happy together. And I want to apologize. I want to apologize for how dismissive we were about his fish tank love. Yeah, because you love it too, and that's brought you together. Yes. Be yourself. what we know shows what we know we know we know we know that's the only thing we know also if you

want a successful relationship separate duvés and separate fish tanks yeah separate fish tanks and you can sleep each other's she brought that up i she was like really thinking it out she's like i could take the water out and that's a kink yeah that's that's a kink for sure they have some freaky fish you know what's i don't know what's going on in there but i support them i support them wholeheartedly Okay, so, oh, you know, this one was, I thought this one was very ancient. This is, again, not the dialer, but somebody responding to an episode from the, from a dialer's contribution from the kink episode. Kink episode was wild. Hey, Hannon does.

This is more of a response to someone else. So the girl who says she has like a pregnancy kink, I completely. understand I went through a phase of like a couple months where I couldn't orgasm unless the guy was dating was like telling me he was going to get me pregnant or you know things of that nature and um this was I was like 22 and had been dating him a couple months like very much not something I really wanted but um I understand her kink and she's not alone but thankfully I was able to move past that and I mean it's still kind of a kink but it's a little more dormant I don't it's no longer a requirement thankfully but thanks you guys love the pod it's like it's like a virus

I love this I love this though I love her women supporting women in the arts being like you're not alone this happened to me I'm interested for how she like got out of it because kinks are fun but you get a little nervous when it's like oh the only way for me to come is if he like sucks on my toe while like punching me in the face so and you don't know how kinks arise but it i could totally see that i wonder if any guys listening could only come if they feel like they're going to impregnate the girl because i know guys who could never come if they think like they're going to impregnate the girl yeah that's what guys do to delay orgasm but it is funny that the girls both of them were definitely not in a situation where they actually wanted kids but i guess but it's a king

But it's so cool because, like, that's what's so fun about sharing your secrets or sharing what you might perceive to be odd because you realize you're not alone. You know, people are like, yeah, that was so last year, the pregnancy kink, move on. You're not alone. Did you, do you know that song from the 90s? We're here till the end of time. Anyway, you're not alone. That's most important.

There was no chance I was going to know that song. It was a house hit from the 90s. So, uh, anyway. Thank you so much for your contribution. What's that again? I know the song, but I just... Alone. It was going to be our wedding song.

Alone by heart. We were going to dance to that. We didn't know how to dance to it. Again, I had mobility issue, so we couldn't do it. We couldn't do a big dance. My wedding and my special were both affected by injuries. That one was a hip surgery recovery. But anyway, this was a big moment.

where we had questions. We actually put it out there that we wanted an update at the time. So I'm going to, we're going to get this little update. This is going to be another voice cover up. Hi, y'all. Just wanted to thank you for previously disguising my voice over my terrible southern accent. When I called in about my sister cheating on her husband, The bad stuff that I was talking about that he did was really him saving pictures of girls from Instagram

and paying for an only fan and taking pictures of girls at the gym. But she would keep finding these things over and over after she confronted him. and it wasn't changing. So not a great situation, but he didn't physically cheat on her like she did. She had a brief affair. But supposedly they're going to work things out now. She ran out of time there, but that was good to know.

The Southern accent was taken too long with each syllable. I think we had some assumptions that maybe it was violence or something. Oh, yeah, we were like, what was he doing? doing. Yeah, yeah. So it's good to get an update. And that's the problem. First of all, I appreciate her update, but I think this is a very interesting podcast topic.

What he was doing, because we know about her. We talked about her. We knew what she was doing, but now we know what he was doing. What do you feel about his behavior? Look, apparently tons of guys put money into only fans' accounts. I feel like if a guy's doing it too much, it's a problem. I do think there are a lot of guys who are addicted to that stuff and they kind of like the fact that they have to pay to get content

or they get some weird idea in their head that the girl is actually messaging them even though it's clearly her male manager or assistant. Some sort of like more personal connection. I had a friend who her boyfriend, normal seeming guy, like had an addiction to Onlyfans and was spending all his money on it. so there's that but then there's probably some guys who like maybe like

think one or two girls are hot and they subscribe they're single whatever and if you're in a relationship it's like I hate to be like if I don't know I don't care but like

it seems kind of I just feel like there's porn everywhere why would you pay to see yeah the only fans part the only fans part personally for me I think is not that much of a big deal

because like most people what certainly most men like look at porn you know so like the fact that they decide that only fans is the route they want to go for that not not a huge deal however taken the taken pictures of women at the gym you know this like the the knee that's a little see i would have follow-up questions i'd be like who is this so are you trying to murder her second of all are you sending this to like some group chat like you're trying to look cool in front of your boys or do you just like jerk off to a woman

in spandex, like, I think there's an element from my, my amateur psychology on this is that this guy gets off on the illusion of personal connection or perhaps like a sense of it not being born that it's like, you know, or also there's, it might, he might have like a candid kink, like he might have a thing about the fact that these women don't know, you know, unless of course he says to him can i take your picture what i i don't know can you turn around i take your picture i can understand why his girlfriend or what or wife was concerned about the behavior because there's a lot of like personal connection stuff because there's also the instagram thing the only fans thing yeah the only fans like is paying for a specific girl to be like i want and i want

to message her it's a little it's a little it's not bad but it's not it's not good and it's funny because it's hard because some kinks are like oh like oh say impregnate me that's hot but then if it's like oh i want to like take photos of men and like pay for male escorts you're like okay well it's it's a thin line of what's socially acceptable but then it's like if two people are dealing with their own stuff and their demons work well together stay together go off sis you know oh yeah i definitely think if they can work it out they should stay together but you know i think they probably you know they there's a lot going on in terms of their like their sexual exploration but also maybe she could find out like is there a kink he's

like holding down that like she could help him with like do you want a role play that you don't know me or like do you want to roll play at the gym do you want to take photos of me when i'm in the shower like whatever gets you going let's have some fun and then but i would think i would think a lot of people have strong opinions on certain aspects of his behavior because i know a lot of people are funny about you know like oh he liked of you know he still follows these models he likes photos of these models you know and like some people don't don't think it doesn't matter and some people are very adamant that it's not cool i mean if you so i can understand if the dialers are sitting here right now being like fuck that if my man was liking instagram models and subscribe to only fans

He's out the door. I can understand if you have that thing. It is a red flag in it. Like there's definitely red flag in it. Obviously there's variables. But like when there's a dude who like is only following tons of like Instagram models, just tons of them. Part of it is like, like I talk to Trevor Wallace about it a little.

He's like, go on a porn site. And like why do you have to have it on your feed that's like shows your aunt and your uncle and your boss? And then you just see tits. And it's like if you love tits all the time, fine but again like what is that it's like I guess it's an imbalance thing when things get too imbalanced with like spending money on something or obsessing over something it affects your personal life and your relationships yeah and I think some some women well some women or men for that matter because I've definitely heard the other side of it particularly like jealous man like

why you following that guy yeah but you know some people struggle with that they feel personally hurt that you would do that and so you know I understand but it's like I understand how this not an easy one to figure out. If you're commenting like fire emojis on a model's page right now, I'd be like, what the, what the fuck's going on? Yeah. Like I, but I, I think, I think that he is kind of doing that. That's the vibe that I was getting is that he is doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Um, you got to have a little talky talk. I think this is when we just address, there's some stuff going on. And let's be honest with each other. All right. Let's get a positive. Let's get a positive update about some advice that we gave.

Hi, Hannah and Des. So just saw your prompt on Instagram. I called in a couple weeks ago. It was probably like early December. And I was asking about, you know, I hooked up with two guys in the same day. And I was feeling kind of down on myself and kind of feeling gross about myself. And I just really appreciated your guys' advice. My friend actually, like, is an avid listener to this podcast.

and she messaged me and she was like oh my god you're featured like go check it out the advice is so good and it was kind of posted at like a time i needed it it was actually like when i kind of ended things with this other one of the guys that i was hooking up with um and i just like really appreciated your your sentiments and advice um you know i definitely need to be a little bit safer I got tested so I'm all good there but um just wanted to thank you um and I like really really appreciated it so yeah keep it up I mean while I'm here I'm really like feeling

oh she got cut up which is unfortunate was there another one after it maybe that was her oh oh you know what let me you know what I'll never find it I'll never find it I feel bad you know because I didn't I didn't listen all the way through so I didn't know

that she got cut off well she goes and the final most important thought of this one no I think she was actually about to ask some other advice actually. Yeah, yeah. Because she was like, while I'm here, while I have you, since we've developed the relationship of trust. Dial in next week. Dial in next week and we'll see if we can get it. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. Get the second half of that. We were busy just enjoying the compliments. We were like, we don't care. Yeah, because Hannah has a praise kink, so you don't realize that. You're feeding right into Hannah's praise. No, that was so sweet. It's going to make me

cry because we've all had those moments where you get in your head and you start thinking about stuff done from like a third party perspective of how people will judge you and it just it's my favorite thing when you say something you're insecure about and other people are like dude shut the fuck up I'm proud of you and this is part of like growing up and experiencing things and knowing what you want what you don't want that's called living if we all knew what was best for us like why would we just how do you experience life well if you want to know where my head always goes she's like oh thank you guys you guys are great and there's all this praise but all i'm hearing is my friend is an avid listener like why are you not an avid listener i think she probably meant her

friend listens to it immediately like the second it comes out she's like burn her phone and you know what yeah i just i'm kidding see in my head i was like you know what maybe now she's an avid listener because she's like wow these people give fucking amazing feedback i remember being very passionate about that one for people who don't know it was about hooking up with like two guys in one night um i think i made it about me and told like stories about me having a failed crazy night out in college that just got messy but the truth is we just basically tried to make her feel okay about it which is which she should oh for sure that's fine we don't need to we don't need to revisit that but we really appreciated the feedback i mean that that one meant a lot to

me actually because you know i sort of like particularly you know slut shaming and women feeling shame around you know exploring their sexuality uh i i just it's it's nice that she uh she got something positive yeah well all right we'll see her we'll see her in hell this is a fun one this is a woman ratting herself out hi hannah hi does my name's maria i'm following up from last week i left the voicemail about a question you should ask on a job interview um you guys are really really nice to me and you said I should have a TED talk and it totally went to my head and confirmed every delusion I've ever had about myself. But I have a confession to make. I also left the voicemail about crying. I am so sorry. I've been feeling guilty all week. I completely,

it was genuinely, I just thought of something else to say after I already submitted one. I thought it might up my chances of getting one on the podcast. I never imagined you would choose both. And I feel like I deceived you and I did not mean to. And I'm so sorry. I just love you guys so much. Please don't blacklist me from this podcast because I would love to become a regular caller. I'm so sorry. That's my confession. That's my update. It's like, why would you feel both your calls were awesome? And they were both in the same episode? Yeah, so the crying, which was hilarious.

I think we used that, do we use the video clipper? I can't remember, but the crying was like really funny. You know, because what was it last week? It was the, your power move. Yeah. Right? Oh, and she did the interview one also. Look.

Yeah, and we were like, wow, this woman should have her own podcast. Don't you remember? We're putting it on, okay? This is crying girl. Bird girl and crying girl. Yeah, I want to become a regular caller. It's like, well, bad news. already are. This is your third time in three episodes. If the content is fired, we're posting

it. Why is you being guilty? You weren't deceiving us? Unless if she, I mean, one of them she tried to do a weird Southern accent. If that was also her, that would be hilarious. Yeah. You weren't actually trying to deceive us. We just didn't. Honestly, I just, all, so many people sound the same to me because they all sound like Hannah. So I would never, I would never. I would never uh i would never be able to tell anyway honestly a lot of time i don't even listen i just read the you guys if you have good stuff never get nervous just keep sending okay yeah keep keep sending this is this is not this is not a problem this is really this is a celebration of your contributions they will never be any negativity to never apologize for taking up space on our podcast if anything

we don't shut the fuck up and we need your voices to be heard and we appreciate you crying girl Bird Girl, Southern Girl, and all the quiet male listeners who have been shunned because we gave them one chance to speak on a pod and it didn't go over well. We may do a redemption season, but we don't know about that. Men can always dial in, though. That's the thing. Men can always dial in. We just didn't learn anything that men want women to know about them because it turns out women know everything. So do you want to finish with somebody actually in the middle of all that texted in with uh messaged in looking for some advice yeah let's finish with that let's wrap it up with some advice okay so my ex reached out during christmas he called me he wanted to see how i was

doing blah blah even though last time we spoke i told him not to contact me again and well i'm stupid so i answered and we've been talking back and forth whether we should meet up or not blah blah blah and i don't know what to do because actually i know what to do because he sucks but i want to see him but he sucks so if like do you have any advice on like toxic ex exes kind of like coming back and creeping on you because i was like moving on and now i'm not and now it's tuesday and i'm waiting for him to like fucking call me and yeah oh my god i'm just saying to myself oh my god well yeah well the good news is she knows the answer she knows what's going on it doesn't mean you actually have to listen to your gut you could go see him it doesn't matter

it just you when you're starting to move on it's almost like they can sense it and then they kind of miss the attachment that they had and but they're more on the high of like they liked that you wanted them when they felt like you stopped wanting them they wanted to get that again i would go on a date with someone else i would go on your hinge right now and just flip flip flip go on the league flip flip flip flip and find a different hot guy to talk to it's tough man because i've definitely talked to people about this before there there definitely is always that moment and it seems to be more common with men where men can be quite good at the beginning of just like cutting off they tend to come back and it's it's kind of negative you know

and I do it sounds to me because he's you know you're using very negative language it sounds to me like there's like a control element a narcissism element where he's trying to lure you back in and odds on from the way that you're talking you're not going to get a good result it's kind of like addiction right it's like it's like a high you know you know that it's going to hurt you but you you're willing to sacrifice your well-being for that short-term high. But in the end, you will be sitting there. You will be after the fact feeling bad about yourself, I would think. I mean, you can't 100% say it sounds like she's done some work to kind of move on and

then she knows she's going to have to like start that again. I also always say it's very easy. Now she's sucked back into it though. That's so, that's sad. Now she's sitting there waiting for him to call. She's right back in that loop. Yeah. When he lost control for a bit and you were detaching. I also think it's, your brain does play tricks on you and you miss like the chaos and the adrenaline and the excitement of like a toxic relationship. But if you really try to take off the rose color glasses, when he messages you, remember like all the times you were like, I fucking hate this guy.

that's don't remember like the one or two flirty like rom-com moments in your head um and like if it's just the sex that's fine but like you can get dig down by a lot of guys and who aren't like going to be toxic like this guy find a new toxic man in your life but the problem is sometimes when you go on another date and it's a bad date you're like fuck like maybe that guy is good like all the guys out here suck so it's hard but you know what to do one thing my mom always told me that helped me is she basically was like every time you're with the wrong person is like a day that you're not towards finding the right person so it's like i know people who have like i'm like how have you not found someone that you like really really love and they'll be like oh i wasn't an unhealthy thing for

like 10 years that i went back and forth with so like it really is setting boundaries for yourself and respecting yourself by saying no and closing the door it's going to open doors for what's right for you, but if you keep opening that door with him, you're not going to be able to meet the new people that can be, like, healthy for you. Yeah, and I think, I think that's a, it's a good way sometimes to not trick your brain, but actually to go, I am responsible. So I can decide right now that I don't want to have anything to do with him. Rather than saying, oh, he has sucked me back in, you can say, if it happens, it's because I've allowed him back in. And therefore, you now have you have the power right now to stop this you are in control oh no but you because

that's the thing is that you are in control yeah no i i i don't mean this in like a judgmental way i mean it as like a way to perhaps change your mindset around the situation rather than being helpless that in actual fact you could you have the opportunity to make the right decision i got excited about that because i do like that it's such a frame of perspective we're like put on some badass music see his text come through and get excited on the fact that you're never going to message him back and he's going to be pissed off and you're the girl that he's never going to get with again and love that, sit with that and be that fucking bitch. Obviously, if he's a love of your life, go see him, but...

I honestly, I think that she heard herself speaking into that Talby voice message and she already knew by the time the message was over. She already knew the answer. I think she needed to hear herself. out loud, and it was almost as if she was having a conversation with herself. And so I think she's already had a positive outcome. We'll get an update on that too. Because it just so happens that that came in.

Speaking from a female perspective, like, I was never, like, flattered if a guy wanted to have sex because I'm like, a guy would fuck a literal apple pie. I get flattered if someone, like, likes you, falls for you, that kind of thing. So, like, you know, it's more exciting than you having below average sex with this man tonight, you rejecting him that's fucking hot that's fucking hot reject that man yeah and i tell you what you do reject that man and then go to an asian massage place and let them do what they do get yourself some relief uh a beautiful a beautiful callback babe um wow i feel so connected to all the little

dialers if you were confused about anything i highly recommend listen to the kink episode um listen to the Power Moves episode, last episode, or just keep on, keeping on. Yeah, and I apologize that I am not going to go back and find all the original messages to update people. You know, like an episode of The Wire. Like last week on The Wire, I'm not doing the updates. So we hope that you had heard them.

But if you didn't, I think there's enough information there. Thank you so much, everybody. Great, great episode, great contributions. Thanks, Dylers. We love you. Bye. Hey,