Berner Phone - Berner Phone #24: Worst Hookups

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

This week's prompt was a hit and the dialers have had some wild mishaps in the bedroom. $15 off skincare at apostrophe.com/PHONE Free delivery at Squeezed.com with code BERN 20% off and free shipping with code BERNER at Manscaped.com 40% off first delivery at Hungryroot.com/berner

Hi, it's Hannah Burner. And Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What is up my little, medium, big, extra large dialers? Yes, we're sizing you this week. We're sizing you up for a great episode. And quick announcement.

Today, as this episode is out, Dez's YouTube special that I'm the executive producer on. The only reason Hannah wants to say this is so that she can remind people that she is the executive producer. Hannah is obsessed with being the executive producer. When he was a young baby, I said, I think you're going to be great kid. I said, you should be a comedian. And then I trained him up to this point. And then I said, you know what, I'll executive producer special one day. And here we are.

Yeah, I mean, your career is going really well. It's amazing how you're so hung up on being the executive producer of essentially like a YouTube clip. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It was an honor to be executive producing this project, but one of the most talented people I know. And I'm so proud of this special. It's so great. It's so funny. It's honestly one of the best specials you're going to watch in a long time.

You're probably the only executive producer that was told you're not allowed to call. I wasn't allowed to come to think. It's not that I didn't let you. I didn't want you to come because I, you know, it like adds to my nerves, you know? So it was like... I was fine staying home watching tennis channel. Yeah. So anyway, Des Bishop of all people on YouTube, we'll be posting links all over the place.

But my YouTube channel is Des Bishop Comedy. We talked about it a lot last week. So we don't have to go on about it anymore, but please watch. Or even, you know, if you don't watch, that's fine. But at least just like put it on your YouTube to give it a view, you know? And like, you don't even have to watch. Let it run. Just leave a comment being like, oh my God, this is the best special ever.

Oh, yeah, if you're a little dialer, say you're a little dialer in the comments so we know that you're one of us, that you're a real one. Also, Des made a comment that he didn't like his outfit. He's being very hard on himself. The outfit look great. Yeah. So anyway, thank you very much if you watch. Wonderful. We don't have time to be talking about my special because we have an insane amount of.

This has definitely been the highest amount of messages. we've ever received. Well, I was like, should we do worse first dates? Because I think some of the funniest shit happens when you just meet up with a stranger hoping to find love. That's when it can really get dark. And then we were like, or do we do bedroom mishaps? And we were like, that might be too dirty.

And then I had the horrible idea of going, you know what? Let's do both. Let's do both. And we got hundreds and hundreds of hysterical messages. So this might be a two-parter. Probably a two-parter. Yeah. I mean, it has to be a two-parter.

I mean, you guys came up with the good. I couldn't even, this is the first time that I couldn't even get through them all. Yeah. So we have two episodes, and I've only gone through about half of them. Yeah. So thank you so much for your enthusiasm on this topic. I have to say, some of them were absolutely disgusting. I didn't put in any of the puking ones, but there was a lot of,

there's a lot of fallatio and vomiting together. But I didn't put them in because I didn't want to, like, bring up too much gag reflex. A lot of puking on the pee-pee. yeah so so thank you for those i didn't include them but thank you for them and obviously people are this is an issue out there i love how you're like thank you well this there's a lot more of that going on than i then i realized chris has this happened to you it has yes really not like full but like like you know baby bar situation nice did you feel anything on your pee pee it's it's wet Hannah i literally didn't put them in for this purpose Like, hello?

Because, like, all of us have gagged. Some of us have pretend gagged. Some of us have felt, oh, I should stop. But the girls, like, keep going, good for them. Like, that's another level of commit. But first, we have a quick update before we get into it. Oh, yeah, because this one came in late, but I remember this message. So just very quickly, Chris, can you play number one there?

Hey, Hannah and does. So I missed the update episode, but I thought I would send this in just in case it was still interesting to you. I had called in in late November and told you guys about basically the sky had been seeing for a couple of months and how we were into each other. We met on like a hookup app and so I was kind of confused what we were doing whether I should tell him how I felt or if it was just going to remain casual. And you gave me some really, really solid advice. And I just wanted to provide you guys with an update and give hope to all of the deliginal girls out there. Last night, he did ask me to be his girlfriend. Granted, it has been now like four and a half

months, so maybe a little bit longer than ideal. But hey, here we are. And sometimes situationships really do work out. Thank you. This is a dangerous message. That was, you chose violence posing like this. Why? He was like, I'm going to post a really nice positive update. Now, all these girls who have situations that are not healthy are going to be like, if I wait seven more months, this is going to work out. We gave her advice to be upfront and honest and whatever, you know, she's saying that it worked out. I used to say four months is pretty normal. Chris was laughing. Yeah. Do you remember that message, Chris? Not really. I was wondering what the advice was. Do you guys remember what advice you gave her? The advice was that you can't be afraid. She was concerned

that if she sort of said to him, like, listen, like, I'm catching feelings and like we've been together a while, I need to know what's going on. She was afraid that if she said that, that he would run away. And I said that at this stage, you have to be honest about how you feel. You can't be concerned about him running away. You need to be honest. So, I mean, it's worked out. Also, when you're telling someone you like them in the beginning, it doesn't have to be a whole fucking Romeo Juliet fucking dramatic thing like you don't have to be like I think you're my person and I want to be with you just be like okay like I'm actually enjoying the time we're spending like you don't have to freak people out like you don't have to be like I want to wear your skin yeah like just

be like I'm kind of feeling this and if they're not into it be like cool because I don't even know you that well anyway I just thought there could be potential oopsie poopsie and at the end of the day you need to find you know you you want them to walk you like in hindsight you'll want them to have walked rather than have, like, tortured yourself with, like, insecurity for longer. So that's why I put up, that's a happy ending. I'm not suggesting all the girls, like, delude themselves after this. I'm just saying that this one is a positive message, and I remembered it. I love that.

I love that. So now let's get into... Also, the thing is, is you still haven't watched saltburn. I haven't watched saltburn, so I can't, I, you know, I don't need to see Barry Keogun's fake penis. It's not fake. Oh, my understanding is it's a prosthesis. No. You sure about that?

No. You sure about that? It is not fake. Okay, Chris, put on the next message and Google if Barry Keoggin's penis is fake in Salt Burn because I don't think it is. Coming right on. Coming right on. Hi, Hannah and Dez. Big Giggly Squad fan.

And of course, we love you, Des, as well. I would say the funniest thing or weirdest, most. awkward thing during sex would be when you're, you know, when you're going from behind and you just, the farts just won't stop or the noises or anything. I just, I can never get back into it after it happens. It's like instantly, I'm done. Get out of me. Like, let's move on with our day. Do you have advice on that? I mean, I'm talking about anal. No, she's talking about queefing. Oh. But I, sorry, I left that in for you because you're such a, you're such a quefe queen. I'm not saying you're a big quiefer.

I'm saying you're a big advocate for the normalization of the quif. Yes, I actually have a lot of stand-up bits about it, which I'm going to, I want to keep in my stand-up bit. I don't want to, you know, you have to come to my shows. Oh, okay. You want to protect your quiff bits? I'm going to protect my quiff bits, but I do have to say, just because your pussy's so tight and he didn't prepare for it and the air got trapped, that sounds like his fault, okay? And that's nothing for you to be embarrassing. about. I think just very quickly

because queefing is just very normal. You know, you have to just laugh off the quief and then continue to go. Most of the time. It's the same as like when your stomachs, you know, when you're together and your stomachs get together and they make like a farting noise. You know when that happens sometimes? So it's just part of life. What happened

with Barry Keogyn? That's his real penis right there. Let's go. Yeah. How do you what does it officially say? Does no one saying it's right? I haven't seen it by the internet. You just made it up. No, I read. I saw, I read. I read. So I haven't seen it. So I read some, somebody said it was a press, or somebody said to me it was a prosthesis. They are haters. Oh, right. Haters, liars. Yeah, I hadn't seen it. He runs, it's, and I can't

stop talking about this movie. Maybe we need to watch it right after this. But like, then there's the craziest scene that we find out later was not even written in the script. He just like went off and did it and they kept it in. But it's the kind of thing that like, if it didn't go over well, it would have like ruined the entire project. Yeah, I mean, I haven't seen it so I can't discuss it. This is him describing the scene. He says, it totally felt right. It's ownership.

This is my place. It's full confidence in. I can do what I want in this manner. I can strip down to my barest and waltz around because this is mine. Okay, Chris enjoyed that. How crazy do you sound just saying all that, though? It's nuts. You can't sound normal saying that.

Good for him. I mean, good for him. Somebody had said to me it was a prosthesis or I read it somewhere that it was No, it's been widely known. It's not a prosthesis. Good for him. And I... But you know he was on it, Sammy. You know he warmed that shit up beforehand. Are you kidding me? That's, yeah. I mean, who's not doing me or better? Yeah. It was, it was hanging. Like, it was swinging. Like, it wasn't stiff. You can, you can be half way to a reaction and swing. You're right. Yeah, absolutely. And if my dick's ever on camera, I promise you, it'll be fucking

well-bbed up. I do have to say normalize more dicks on camera. There was not, it's a very sexual movie. Not one nipple was shown. It was all cocked dick Nice Hey that's great I felt great Normalized cock show

If I was a dude I'd feel strong After watching I'd be like yeah I just want to Very quick Very quick story I

You know what puppy tree of their penis is Have ever heard of Puppetry of the penis? I don't even know what you just said A Puppetry of the penis Is that what we're saying?

Puppetry It's a show Where they make shapes out of their dicks But it's an Australian show Very quickly I was in it Most Australian

Yeah So many years ago In Edinburgh at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, I was on a late-night variety show, and I was on with Puppetry the penis, and backstage, they were warming up their dicks for the show. Wait, when you say, did they? How many? Two guys. Two guys. Two guys were warming up their dicks. So they were like, imagine you were like, your hands were freezing or you were like trying to start a fire. So they were like rubbing their cocks, like in a circular motion, and then pulling it, stretching it. And then when they got to the length that they wanted, they put a rubber band around the end of their dick. So it would remain the same length. during the show.

But they didn't want to have, like, rock hard. Oh, can't be, I can't, no, it's not that they didn't want. They can't. They need, they needed it a certain size for the, you know, for the shapes. Are there dicks okay? Like, I wonder what the long-term effects of that is. All I'm saying, I just wanted to tell a quick version of the story to say. Is that legal?

Is that legal? What do you mean? Doing, like, a comedy show about your dick? It's called puppetry the penis. I mean, people know. Okay, if you say that one more time. People know what they're getting into It's a show about making funny shapes

Do they put it on screen? Yeah, there's cameras on their dicks And then there's like, the hamburger And they make a hamburger out of their two balls And I couldn't do it And I'd have to be like The Open Sandwich Do they show the face?

No, no, it's their dicks. It's puppetry of the penis So they don't show... I know you can't... Do they show their faces? What do you mean? I don't understand. They're on stage.

But, like, do they block the faces and just show the pee-pies? No, they're on stage, but the camera's on their dicks. But you see their face? Oh, yeah, they're on stage live. Wow. But the images are on the screen. I just want to know how that idea. The sailboat, they do the sailboat.

He, like, stretches out of Scrode. And then they, like, move the Shale bag. So these were two guys who clearly were high playing around their pieces. And then they go, wouldn't it be funny. And then they go, let's tell our manager. And the manager was like, are you sure? And then it, like, this is why no idea is a bad idea. And if you, the hardest.

It's been very successful. It still runs regularly in Vegas. By the way, it was so. People or have they like? No, it was so successful. They franchised it out. Oh my God. In fact, I actually met once, I once met one of the franchisee, like one of the other guys.

Because I know the original guy, friendly, great guy. And I met like one of the franchisees years later. And Friendy was telling me about the audition of the, like, they auditioned all these guys, all these guys have to get their cocks out, you know? And like, you know, because obviously you have to have a, there's a... I just envisioned it's like a multi-level marketing scheme where you sign up and you have to pay like $500 for classes and then you do like training for it and you may or may not get it. Well, you just audition, you know?

Anyway, I really feel bad because we've so many messages. I feel bad that I brought up Pup Tree of the Pino. But I guess it was worth it. You can't just like say it. and move on. Wait, I have one more question. Were they, like, decent-sized peonies? They were the right-sized penis for being...

Let's just say that... Like, they weren't massive, like, scaring people, but they weren't too tiny. They weren't, like, obnoxious penises. No, they weren't tiny. They were great. They both have wonderful... They were great? Listen, no guy, no guy is getting involved

in a show called puppetry-to-peness with a fucking micro-penus. You know, these guys had the right... And at the end of the day, they came up with the idea, So they knew that they had the right penises for the job. Wow. But anyway, that's, I, puppetry to penis. It's currently running in Vegas.

Pumptured to penis. That's the name of the show. It's alliteration. Okay. Anyway, so that's a happy update. The next episode is, oh, queefing. Oh, queefing is, we're normalizing quefeing. Yes.

The next episode, a girl goes, hey, so I went on a date with this guy and he brought me back to his place. And then he showed me how he could do a hot dog with his penis. Yeah. That's the easiest one to do. We can all do. We've all made a hot dog out of our penis. Let's go to the videotape, Chris. Hey, Hannah.

So what happened was they went home with this guy on Tinder, and it was actually a really great date. We got some food, and then I actually went to a karaoke bar, and he seemed really sweet, and I was, like, so into him. And we went back to his place. It was actually a dorm.

And then we start, like, you know, taking our clothes off, whatever. and he actually is wearing long johns like full-ass long underwear and it was cold but you know it wasn't that cold and that was immediately no it was just it was just wrong like you're not playing in the snow like stop it was actually terrible yeah um so yeah but that was a little funny thing this made me laugh that's why i wore long johns today. You didn't know that, but I don't want to tell you. Well, this is the thing.

Is it the summertime or the winter? No, it's the winter. It's just funny because it's like, that is quite a sort of seasonal specific ick. That was a specific where she's basically like, grow some fucking balls and handle the cold. No, but here's the reality. If you're on a date where you think you might take the girl home,

you don't weigh along, Johns. Because it's just like. It's too much admin. You don't want to feel like, you know, you're in the mood to get hot And suddenly it's like Little House in the Prairie up in this motherfucker. You know, it's just like... Actually, a guy, like, rolling down his long johns taking off one ankle at a time and he's, like, curled up trying to get them off his feet. Yeah, I get it.

I'd be like, I'm good. I've actually... Also, like, it's easy to dry up real quick. By the time the long johns are getting off the ankle, you're like, actually, it's a Sahara Desert. True. But if he should just take it off at once, like, he should have... He should have moved. He didn't know.

Because he's probably from, you know, in his family. The 1920s. Well, actually, basically, what she's turned off by is the fact that this guy is smart because Long John's are smart in the winter, but I get it. It's not hot. Long John's are not hot. The thing is, if she was, like, that into him, like, I wouldn't care. Like, no, you've never seen an Onlyfans with a guy in fucking Long Johns.

It's just not a thing. You know what I mean? It's just like, I've never seen somebody to check out by it. Also, I've never said the word Long John. I didn't even know, like, I don't even know what a Long John is. to be honest. I guess it's like... You don't know the term long johns?

I guess it's like Christmas pajamas. No, long johns are thermals. Thermals, yeah. It's basically just a long, long... It just means he was so scared of getting cold. Yeah, well, he's smart, really, but I thought it was funny. He's prepared. Chris, let's go for another.

Chris is goodling long johns for me. What are you looking up? The etymology of long johns? I was looking... Apparently it's a guy. It's named after a guy in the 19th century. Yeah, he was in a show called Puppetry of the Pino. Which is where he originally got his nickname.

Shout out John L. Sullivan. So he was the first person to come up with the idea of like a more fabric on an underwear? Is that what it is? I'm checking. I mean, come on. I wonder if she would rather him take off the pants and have long johns. He was wearing them in a boxing ring. This guy was a boxer.

So that was a psychopath. That's a psychopath. He was trying to burn some cows. So that's how they came out long johns. But then somebody was like, do you know what? you could wear them under looser-fitting trousers and keep the warmth in. Yeah. Yeah.

I wonder if she would have had the ick if he took off his pants and he had no underwear on. I don't think so. That's a smart guy. Let's his balls breathe. I'm a big fan of Commando. That's why Hannah's bringing that up. Do you know we found out last episode of Giggly Squad that Craig does not wear underwear either? Right.

Commando. Commando Cousins. Yeah. Commando Cousins. That's cute. Can I ask how this came to be? Oh, yeah. Chris was very perturbed.

Oh, what about, Commando? Yeah. It straight up came from the laziness of like not having to worry about washing underwear and being on top. You know, so it's just down to like, oh, the simplicity of this. Got it. You know? That's amazing. So there you go.

It's just less laundry to worry about. Hit me. All right. So I got out of a six-year relationship, gave it a few months and then started dating again. And the first guy that I kind of considered dating, um, had a lot of really great qualities, a lot of really great things about him. He checked a lot of my boxes. He was a doctor of oral surgery. So he had a really great job. I started spending like day after day with one another. And one time he invited me over to his apartment, we had dinner

and then we're watching a movie before bed. And his cat was not fixed. His cat was in like a dire need of getting fixed and it kept on humping me and to the point where like I couldn't even watch the movie or like like exist without dealing with this cat and so then he looked at me with all seriousness in bed and goes do you want me to jerk the cat off and he was not joking I heard those doctor of dental ran out unfortunately just a great message, man. First of all, as a cat connoisseur, I've, I guess all my cats have been neutered. I've never, like, you hear about dogs humping everything. I've never heard of, like this cat sounds like there's something going on that should be studied in Sweden.

It's like, well, jerk off the cat. What? Yeah, I mean, this is, I, maybe he's been jerking off the cat. So the cat's like, okay, if I hump, I get jerked off. and it's like a little Pavlovian thing going on. No, I think because he was a dentist, I think because it's just like he's very comfortable with the medical stuff. He just knows that like you can get the cat off and like all men,

then the cat will suddenly be completely disinterested. The cat's smoking a cigarette. Don't fucking touch me. Suddenly the cat comes. It's like, oh my God, please stop touching me. Oh my God. You're so needy. The cat's like, are you guys leaving soon?

Come on. Like, I'm so over this. Anyway. Okay, next one. Is that you can't? That's what we can handle. different types of dirty. This title is wild. You can't handle the veterinary stuff?

Is it? Is it medical? Well, no. I mean, it's like, you know, in the breeding world, I think that there's a little bit of that going on, you know. I think there's guys that do that to like horses and shit. Sorry. All righty. I love the podcast and I love you guys both and I love Giggly Squad. But my biggest mishap in the bedroom was about two weeks into me. this guy. And it's his birthday and we're, I'm on top. I'm riding him. I'm doing a fantastic job. Phenomenal, okay? And he's choking me. It's hot. We're sexy. We're good. We're

vibing. And then next thing I know, he's shaking me saying, wake up, wake up. And he's saying my name and telling me to wake up. And I'm like, just trying to like groove with it and like, you know, be hot. And I'm like, what? And he's like, you literally just passed out. Because he was choking me so i guess he like hit just like the perfect spot because he's choked me before and nothing happened and it was just so funny because the look in his eyes he thought i died on top of him i didn't i was fine didn't even realize okay the fact that she she he choked her to faint and she goes he hit the perfect spot yeah i don't think he choked her to faint i think they had a situation no but the fact that she called it the perfect spot

There's layers there This is a near-death experience That she's turning into like a happy sexual experience Why did the first thing I thought of Is that we should prank more men like this Like after two seconds of him choking you Just collapse That is funny

I'm saying if you don't want to do sex anymore Just collapse And then right when he's like about to call 911 You go I just I don't think I could finish doing this But let's just watch TV I mean, can you imagine? Can you imagine how freaked out he was?

Like, how do you explain that? Like, how many shows you watched? Like, no, I didn't mean it. Like, you just don't get. Worst nightmare. Worst nightmare. I know, I've actually, I've been working on this choking bit where I talk about, because let's be honest, doesn't I?

We're not chokers. Not being into the choking. We've actually never, I jokingly every now and then will like pretend that you choked me. But like, if you like touch anywhere near my neck, I'll be like, oh yeah. And you're like, stop. But I was joking how, like, it's hard for the guy to get it right, because, like, if he does it too hard, it's, like, scary. And then if he does it too soft, you're like, like, your little pussy bitch. That's what I say in my show.

It's like, how close to death do you want to pretend to be? Like, I don't even like choking, but if you, like, half-ass did it, I'd be like, now I'm turned off. You're going to do it, do it right. I don't, I've never come close to the choking thing. I also don't even know how a guy would start choking me. but I totally get if I was into it how it could like probably easily happen like you probably just like put his hand on your neck

I mean people are clearly into it I you know obviously there's I will talk about it in stand-up shows and half the crowd will go nuts yeah women are into it and obviously asphyxiation does accentuate the orgasm we have learned yeah that's why people die that's how people die you know there's been incidents where people have died from

but like does it accentuate you getting there or do you have to be orgasming it for it well I don't know because I'm not big into asphyxiation accentuating my orgasm. Just like two people choking each other while having sex. It's funny to me. I think it's hard to get the timing right. And clearly

from this message we can see that it's dangerous. Now I have when you were younger, did you have, did you go through a phase where people would make each other faint? Did you ever do that? I heard in the suburbs, people would like, they'd do like sniffing stuff. No, no, no. Did you ever do that, Chris? We used to do that you breathe, you like, essentially

you like hyperventilate. You deliberately breathe heavy and then you like stand up really quick and somebody pushes your chest. whatever. Oh my God. Did you ever do that? I have heard of people doing that. At first I thought you were talking about like still sexual stuff.

No, no. This was just like when we, somebody was like, oh, you know, you can make yourself faint. Yeah. And it was quite, it was. Kids are so. Yeah. It was pretty fun. You did it?

Oh, yeah. I think I got addicted. I learned how to do it myself. I did it for a period of time. Yeah, and now you faint all the time. No, that's not why. That's not why. I don't know.

It just turns out I was good at it. You were the best fainter? No, because it's the weirdest feeling. And like you're out for like one second, but you feel like you've been out for like an hour. I did actually. I was really sick once. Like I had some like disease and I remember getting up out of bed. I'd been lying in bed like all day and I was thirsty or something and I fainted and like hit my head on when we had desktop computers.

I like hit my head on a computer and then fainted again. So that's my only real fainting. I probably fainted on tennis court before. No, I do think it could be a good episode us saying like what kind of crazy near-death experiences did you have when you were bored teenager. Yeah. What crazy shit did you do? I mean,

because, I mean, Paige has stories. It's always in a field. She's always like in a field. Yeah. That's exactly what we were. We were bored teenagers making each other faint.

And it was a pretty cool feeling. There's crazy. Yeah. There's all these weird things that you'd hear like, oh, in Connecticut, the kids are doing this. And you'd be like, what? Or like sniffing sharpies and shit.

I just feel like it's unfortunate that the joke that you set up about pretending to faint is like a sexual story because they would be such funny videos. you know like suddenly all the people that listen are putting up funny videos and be like here's what I pretended to faint when a guy was joking me but unfortunately it would have to go up on only fans but maybe they can just do the face as you guys may know I don't like water but I do love a juice cleanse water is boring and I'm not going to eat salads and I'm not going to eat

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boxers have moisture wicking technology. Get 20% off in free shipping and insert the code burner at manscape.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at Manscape.com and use code burner. Anyway, let's go to another one, Chris. Anyway, do it on your boyfriends. Mendez. I finally have one for you. Um, so my worst bedroom mishap would have to be when, um, on like a second date with somebody. I slept with him and he got the condoms stuck in my crevice. And he got very acquainted with me really quickly. Um, I forced him to dig it out of me. And then he asked me to be his girlfriend after. And we did it for like three months after. Um, so yeah. Very weird stuff. That is, first of all, she said crevice. Second of all, that's called trauma bonding. I'm glad she said crevice because on the, I remember on the writing it said crevasse.

And I was like, girl, you need to be a little more positive about your vagina. But it's only crevice. But when I saw crevasse, I was like, damn, girl. He must have needed like a mining helmet to go and find that fucking condom. But it is true. I actually kind of like that because the truth is guys love. of feeling like they saved you. And you feel scared, be like, what do I do?

And then for him to have to go deep in your pussy to help save your life, he probably was like, this is my person, this is my woman. The other reason why I put it is because, like, there had to be minimum 20 of these. A lot of economists. Yeah. And in fairness, when you do, you know,

like sexual education stuff, they always say that, you know, you need to learn how to put it on properly because it can come off. Honestly, that gives me the egg of a guy, put the condom on wrong. I've personally never used a condom, but if I did... You can't immediately, right after we're talking about, like, good sexual health, like, me personally, I've taken risks every time I've had sex. I'm just kidding. It's because I only do long-distance relationships with one person. Okay. So, anyway, what were you saying?

Um, what was I saying? I was just setting myself off for that joke. Oh, that was good. The joke was good. But I do think it is actually kind of difficult to put on a condom. him but it is like kind of embarrassing because you get embarrassed that it's stuck in you and it's his fucking fault that he put it on stupid yeah i mean and it happens it happens i mean i think the horror has it happened to you no it's never happened i don't understand it's not that hard you roll it down your dick like i know but i guess if you're drunk or something yeah oh yeah like you were never that hard to begin with you or like if you yeah if you were if you weren't hard enough when started or if you get a little soft while i'm

It's in there for a period of time. I guess, I mean, there's numerous reasons. Yeah. So. And it's also scary because you're like, okay, is she pregnant and I can't. Yeah. And I just polluted in her vagina. Like a fucking, you know, Atlantic Ocean with a bag in it.

Yeah. Also, you know, like, you could be accusing the guy of what's the term for when you pretend you have a condomone and you don't think? Stealthing. Stalthing? Yeah. So she could be thinking like you just stealthed her, which is essentially that sexual. That's crazy.

And then he's in there be like, I've got to find this motherfucker. Like, it's there. I swear to go, I put it on. It's funny because as a girl, like, you don't have to, like, you don't have to go that deep inside you. Like, you could use a dildo. But, like, for a guy to, like, have to reach, like, that's crazy. Like, I don't. Well, I would imagine there's a difficulty in that you can keep pushing it further down.

Oh. So you got to be careful when you start going looking for it, you know, I got to feel like it's not that easy. That is the most difficult game of operation ever. Yeah, that's wild. Yeah. But, like, he probably had his full hand in there. I don't think so. I wonder if they were kissing during it.

Yeah, it's funny. Wait, while he was looking? Yeah. That is fucking crazy. And they're just making eye contact, and she's like, do you find it? You got to be making jokes. Well, this has happened to most girls. I found three in here.

What's going on? Ew. This happens with tampons, but there's also that obsession where you think, oh, no, did I put a tampon in and there already was a tampon and it's in there and you get into that kind of thing. But look, it's the dark ocean. You don't know what's really down there. Yeah. Don't be afraid to go in there, guys. Hannah, Des. In college, I went on a first date with a guy five years older than me. We got to the restaurant. He ordered. Dino Nuggets off of the kids' menu. That's iconic. And didn't finish them.

Oh, that's not. Wait. Wait. This one made me laugh so. He chose violence. Wait. You can't order off the kids menu on the first day. That's crazy.

First of all, Dino Nuggets just sounded so good right now. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But two, was it because he was cheap, like, that he wanted the, like, $6 nuggets? I bet you he was like a gym rat. I bet you it's like he's a gym rat. and he, like, deliberately, like, orders, like, a small amount of food. Maybe, but, like, Jim Rats, I feel like we'd get the grilled chicken.

They'd be, like, grilled chicken, no olive oil, no salt pepper, no sauce, um, chicken, and to not finish it, grow up. I can just see him be, like, can I have some of ketchup and, like, putting a little thing in ketchup and just dipping it? Yeah. And then his plate is covered in ketchup. He had a bibon. He had a bibod. He had a bibod. She had to lick a napkin and wipe his mouth.

Hi Hannah. Hi, Des. Love you guys. Okay, so unfortunately, I can respond to this. I've seen all the other prompts and I'm like, oh, I don't know if I can respond, but this one I can for sure, which kind of sucks. So it's only my second date with this guy. And we did a little overnight stay at a hotel. So it's the next morning. I'm still naked. I'm just walking around, picking up my clothes, like thinking I'm looking all cute and sexy. And so I'm putting away my stuff and he comes up behind me. And he says to bend over. So I'm like, ooh, okay. Something like fun's going to happen. He's going to spank my butt or something. He goes, he squeezes my boob, and then he whispers in my ear, now say moo. Like I'm a freaking cow or something. It was one of the worst moments ever. I had no idea how to respond to that. And I don't think anyone else would either. So yeah, he tried to apologize, but I never spoke to him again because I don't need that in my life. All right. Have a good day. Bye. Oh my God, men. She wins. She wins. I mean, there's nothing to add. I have no notes on that. No notes.

No notes. I thought it was hilarious. I just wondered, like, did you want her to say it? Like, mooh. Like, did he want that? Or do you want to be like, moo? I mean, I think he's just got a weird fetish. It's hilarious.

I love her. She's like, you wanted to bend me over it, and I was going to have a lot. She got all excited. Yeah, she got all excited. I was like, wow, this guy. You know, because they obviously had sex the night before. Because she's talking about walking around naked in the next point. What a letdown.

Really, how did the guy from last night turn into this fucking weirdo? Also, if you're going to do that, do it at night when you're drunk. Not sober in the morning when you're clear-headed. But also just like, get to know it. Like, that's, I mean, that's obviously you got some weird kinks. That's a big leap the second time you're ever having sex to think, yeah, let me try this out. It's very strange. Or maybe he was joking.

Yeah, but it didn't work out. Didn't land. Yeah. Also, like, there are so many other animals that could have possibly worked besides, like, how? Well, I think it was, it's a breast, you know, he was going for the milking analogy. Yeah. Say moo, you know. Freshly year of college, a senior invited me over to his place.

And I knew it was just a Netflix chill type of vibe. So he picks something to watch and he picks fucking Dahmer. And he says, I already watched it and I really like it. Oh, no. And I was like, no. He's like, let's watch it. And I was like, okay. I walked out after 20 minutes.

I said, okay, I'm leaving. This is fucking weird. So, yeah, yeah. He tried to kiss me, too. Like, first murder scene, he was, like, doing the weird looking over at me, like, wanting to make out with me. And I was wanting to get the fuck out. Like, I thought I was going to be murdered. No.

He was like, can I kiss you? And then he was like, you taste so good. Oh, my God. You know, I was, no, I'm Googling because Evan Peters. After filming Dahmer, apparently, like, was fucked up after it because he was so in the role. And, oh, my God. Imagine, Jeffrey, let's watch Dahmer on a first day. And he goes, and I've seen it already.

It's so good. So this did happen to me. I didn't pick it, though. Second or third date. The girl picked it. And it was actually, like, we had a good time. No, but second or third date is fun. No, but no, it's not about second or third date.

She picked it. When a girl picks it, it's fun. It's cute. She's doing research. When a guy does it, it's giving, like, he's doing a different kind of research. Yeah. So what's the female equivalent when the girl invites you over and she's like, let's watch the documentary about Lorena Bobbitt?

Or it's like, let's watch a rom-com about, like, getting married. Oh, right. Yeah. Yes, that's the horror for a man. A woman's worried about getting murdered chopped up. He's worried that she's going to be. A man is like, oh, this bitch might be a commitment. What a different heart.

murder and commitment, I don't know which ones were. Because, you know, when you're a commitment, you're alive for it, at least with the, you're not aware. Imagine the guy, like, gets down on his knee and she turns to you and she holds your hand. She goes, I love this part. That's like when a guy's watching a murder doc and he looks at you and he goes, I love this part. You're like, and I'm out. And I'm out. Thank you.

Check, please. I love Dahmer. That was really good. Yeah, I didn't get through it. Pardon my raspy voice, and this honestly needs more than a minute, but when I was in college, I went on a first date with this guy that was a lot older than me, and I drove over to his house and, like, parked my car there, and we went to the restaurant, and whatever, it was fine. Afterwards, we're back at his house, like, hanging out, chatting, and he tries to go up with me, and I said no, and then we just, like, kept talking and sitting there, and all of a sudden, I hear, like, moaning and shit, and I look over, and he's fully, like, handed his pants, like, jerking one off right next to me while, like, talking to me. and I just like look I just like my jaw drops and he fully like finishes and gets up and changes his underwear and his pants and I was just like it is so late it was like 7.30 I was like I have got to go like it's it's my bedtime and I got up and I ran out and then he would always see me on campus and ask when we were going to go out again and I just don't think he understood that that was like super not okay so cheers and then he went on to have a huge successful Korean stand-up comedy I thought he pees in front of people.

No, he jerks off. Oh, he jerks off. Oh, wait, I got it. Yeah, sorry. After, like, talking to guys, I've realized sometimes there's a misunderstanding where, like, sometimes guys think if you go back to their place, then, like, you're definitely fucking. We're in the girl's perspective, you're like, okay, we had fun and I want to still hang out with him. But I don't know how far I want to feel comfortable with him, especially very early on. Because you're like, I want to still hang out.

I also remember that being so weird in dates where, like, you have your, like, public persona where you're out on the date and then you, you don't, you both don't know what's going to happen after and you don't, like, it's all, it's so socially awkward. But, yeah, if he, first of all, he didn't, like, talk to her about anything or, like, express it. It's so fucking weird. But I do, I do think in general that. Jerg off before the date. Yeah. And if you're not in the mood for anything to really happen, I think it's better to continue the date, like, in a neutral. place. My advice

to people is always like, you know, if you're really not sure, I would say don't go back. And that's not to say if you do go back, that you just, you know, like, it's not that you're doing anything unsafe, but like, it's just safe or not to go back. Definitely early on, like, first day, second day, if you know that you have zero

you, it's not that you don't have interest, that's the thing. It's like a lot of time you're into the guy, but you know, like, you don't want to put your body out there at that point. It's like literally let him walk you home or like go let him kiss you good night and then get in the car get out of there like make out in the car if you want to just like fool around but not go too far just you know sometimes it's hard when you're younger a lot of these dates especially in college they're not taking you to dinner

it's like hey can you come over to my place and then you're hanging out and like you let him touch a little boob and you're like okay that was enough yes and then he's all fucking jacked up and like yeah it's difficult it's and then you have some alcohol involved next thing you know it gets like awkward but this is like what what this is so strange that like he would think that that was you know it was a it was an odd one no guys do weird shit once in college i was i was a guy friend and he we were like hanging out went to the bar and then we were going to another bar together and he's like let's stop at my place for a second and i'm dumb so i was like yeah and i'm like waiting i'm literally waiting in the hallway like

i didn't even walk in and it's like wisconsin like i'm wearing like full jacket and just standing by his door and he leaves and then he comes back and he's just like in his boxers and I was like what are you doing and we had like 10 seconds of awkwardness and he's like sorry and he went back put his clothes on and we like still more friends it's just dude brain getting the best dude yeah yeah like he was totally cool but I literally was like I'm not what are you doing he's like sorry I was tagging out as we say I was getting dressed for I thought we were doing. I literally had a backpack on.

I'm like, what is going on? Hi, guys. Okay, this is not my dating mishap. It's his, but it was so bad I have to share. This was the first date, literally 20 minutes in. And he says to me, he goes, oh, you have something on your shirt and points at it. And I look down, and then he boops me on the nose.

Are you kidding? Are we in elementary school? My instinct, I literally picked up my chair, scoot it away, and sat back down. And I said, oh, boy. And he goes, I'm just corny like that. And I was like, huh. And he goes, you really scooted away. And I was like, yeah.

Needless to say, we never saw each other again. He texted me when we got home was like, I think this is more of a friendship vibe. And I was like, oh, my God. Are you fucking serious? So, yeah, taking a break now. I actually knew a guy who, like, that was his schick. And he was, like, tall, so, like, you'd always have to, like, when you look down, it was, like, it was just so, and it's all he did.

And the more he would do it, the funnier he thought it was. And you were, like, this motherfucker, and he was the only one laughing all the time. I mean, this made me laugh so hard. Because you guys both knew what he was going to do. Is that, like, a thing? No, I laughed. I laughed when, you know, when he did it. I didn't know what he was doing.

But this is the thing, though. Like, if a guy's hot enough, boot me. Like, I would laugh. I'd be like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, my God, that hasn't happened to me since I was 10. Oh, my God. So funny. I'd be like, you fucking got me.

You're so good. You got me. You're silly. You stupid. I'll fucking fall for that shit all the time. But I'd be like, yeah, I'm corny like that. And then you probably texted her. I feel just friends because, like, that's a game too, just to be like, whatever.

That's like, you know, people like, oh, my sense of humor. rubs people up the wrong way. Oh, my God. Because you're probably a dick. Oh, my God. When people are always like, you know, like, people don't really get my humor. And you're like, so you're not funny. See, yeah, you're not funny yet.

If no one's ever gotten it, that's called you're not making jokes. All right, let's take a couple more, Chris. We're on a roll here. I once went on a first date to a Chinese restaurant and the guy was pretty, you know, pressuring in terms of me going home with him. And I am luckily a very strong-willed person. So I was like, no, no, I'm not into that. And he goes, all right, well, if I can guess what's inside your fortune cookie,

you have to come home with me. And I was like, yeah, no, no. And he's like, oh, but come on, how would I know that? Like, you know, it's just a little bet. And I was like, I don't know how you would know that. But no, I'm not taking that risk. And anyway, so he did guess and I did open it and he was right. and yeah it turns out that little sociopath must pre-buy fortune cookies online that he knows

what's written inside and when I went to the bathroom like swapped it out on the table and that's how he pressures girls to go home with him like he was literally insane turned out to be a massive red flag that is the scariest story I've ever heard it's a documentary coming up on Netflix the fortune fuck but this is so fucking creepy because also like what guys I mean, obviously guys get turned on by, people get turned on by the craziest things. But, like, you really want a girl to go home with you because you want to bet that you cheated on. But it's just like his dumb. You know, that's like his dumb.

You know, like, some guy, yeah, because some guys. Some guys think that, like, they have, like, tricks that work. You know what I mean? Yeah, like they read the book. Yeah, the game. The game. Exactly. It's all that type of thing.

Oh, my God. That was, when I was a teenager, the game was a thing. And the men were, like, obsessed with the game. Yeah, exactly. Negging and all that. Yeah. the nagging are like that's where neg and come like that's where the term comes from that if you touch her elbow yeah it'll work but anyway I thought this should be left in as a

watch out for these little tricks yeah somebody might fall for watch out for the want somebody who might not be as um as like not into him because she was clearly just not into him yeah but somebody might be a little bit into it but not want to go home and then he pulls a fortune cookie trick imagine he says it and it's correct and she's just like what the fuck also what was the fortune was it was like you will go home with him tonight you'll be wetter than you've ever been oh david blaine don't date david blaine oh my god

david blaine i was obsessed with i was also more obsessed with the spoof videos with david blaine where they'd make fun of david blaine yeah i wasn't i i kind of miss the david blaine phenomenon hi hannah hi does i have a spicy bedroom a tap to share so once upon a netflix and chill spicy ramen was the meal uh things heated up up quickly and shortly into oral, a burning sensation began. I'm told the feeling was central at first, like think K.Y, like heat jelly, and then it grew to be quite intolerable. I also

imagine the fact that he was uncircumcised, just kind of left the capsaic and trapped and him kind of marinating in it. Long story short, I spent the better part of 20 minutes trying to convince a grown-ass man that it wasn't ridiculous to put his dick in a glass of milk, let alone plant-based milk. I'm not sure why plant-based needs to be cited, but it seemed to matter him at the time, so I included it for authenticity. Anyways, I can't be the only idiot who's shown an utter lack of respect for capsaicin. Please let me know if you have any other friends with this story, so I don't feel quite so air-headed. Thanks. Bye, guys. Love the pod. Wait. Imagine, fast forward just putting his dick in milk and a guy being like, I need almond milk.

Yeah, no, he was... Talk about an egg. It was plant-based. He was saying, he was saying, He was saying it should be regular milk. Oh. He was complaining that she was vegan. He's like, I know I shouldn't have fucking stuck my dick in this vegan mouth. It's funny because at first when she said oral, I thought that he was going down on her. Yeah, well, we got that too. So basically, we had a, the reason why this needs to be left in is this is a safety message.

Okay. We got a lot of people saying they ate really spicy food. She's not alone. And then did oral. on both sides and everyone has complained about the insane burning sensation so just remember

if you've gone for Sichuan food you can't go down that night you know or you gotta like eat yogurt and then make out you know I would think stick your dick in natural yogurt would be the better option than milk but I guess everybody doesn't have natural yogurt you go to a guy's place and you just

open of his fridge and just tons of natural yogurt you're like what the fuck is going on in this place somebody's got a yeast infection but uh well anyway this is this is just very this came up a lot so be be aware so she's not alone the uncircumcised thing is funny that it was like marinating yeah but i i don't think i i think uncircumcised or not or vaginal it you your your stuff is going to burn if your mouth is still very spicy so just make just be aware of that the thing is i don't eat spicy foods because i'm a little bitch so i've never dealt with this problem oh yeah i haven't dealt with it either but

I have definitely felt a minty blowjob. And that's not good? Well, no, I'm just saying that you can feel a sensation from whatever's... Well, babe, you lived in China where the food was super spicy. I know, but I've never had a situation where somebody's spicy... So somebody's spicy mouth has caused a problem on my penis. But I'm just saying that, you know, you can be aware. You know, you know what somebody's eaten.

Why does my brain already go to, okay, girls, this is another method of destruction. If he's mad at you? I mean, you guys are in a fight. Yeah, but then you have to suck his dick. I don't care. Just be like, suddenly, look, or guys, if your girl is pissed off at you and suddenly wants to give you a blowjob,

it's unsafe. Get out. Get out. It's a trick. Or go buy some natural yogurt first. All right, let's take two more. So I went on a date with a guy, a first date, and I didn't realize this until later, but I'm pretty sure he was asking if you could have my kidney.

He was telling me that he had like a genetic, you know, disorder where he eventually was going to need a new kidney. And he kept like putting in things like, oh, like organ donation is really great. I hope you're an organ donor. Yes for my blood type. I mean, I was like three more years deep in. So I was like, okay, it's small talk, but I'll take it. and then he just like I said he just kept bringing up like the organ donation thing and I realized later when I was telling my friends because I was like oh yeah like he was

really nice really well um one thing it was after he goes to me that like I was telling a friend more about the date and she was like um I think he wanted your organ so yeah my worst first date miss tap is that a man wanted my organs he ghosted her because she was useless to him Because he's literally dating to find somebody who he can fall in love with you, then he can later get their kidney. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. So he knows he's like, if we get married, I will eventually have organ failure

and I need you to be the one who loves me enough to give it. Yeah, I'm not going to fall in love with somebody that's not going to give me their kidney. You know? Wow. I mean, I don't know a lot about kidney donations, but I guess he's on the hustle. Like he's on the grind. Well, listen, man, when it comes down to survival, I mean, at the end of the day, he's not doing anything wrong.

You know? He's just trying to find out. a compatible partner. Yeah, this is giving... When somebody says, I think she's compatible, he's really taking that to the next level.

I think this is a new dating app by kidney donations or like blood types. Well, that's what I actually think that like there should be like a, like a donor.com where like it's like one day I'm going to need a lung

and then somebody else who needs a kidney maybe they could like swap out. And then they fell in love. Yeah. So, I mean... That sounds like a movie. Oregon. swap or a reality

TV show anyway that was it was the message that was amazing one more hi Hannah and does my

worst bedroom mishap was a few years ago when I tried 69 for the first time and I was like trying to get on top of this guy

and I kind of lost I think I one of my legs slipped off the side of the bed or something maybe and I fell directly vagina to nose and he was like trying to breathe but I was also like folded forward so he couldn't breathe out of his mouth either and then he pushed me off and um yeah it was just hard to recover from that mentally and physically sexually like, this bitch almost killed me. Yeah, like, I think it's so funny because you know that feeling when like you accidentally

like end up too deep or something and you're like, fuck, go, fuck, he was literally, he was under water. He had to push her off because he couldn't fucking breathe. Because he probably didn't realize at first. He was like casually like, oh, this is hot. Then all of a sudden he was like, but then it's like, okay, maybe it was just like choking. What's something that in choking? Well, I, I, consent.

I do have a bit about like when you're sitting on a guy's face how like I like the power that you could suffocate a man with your labia. Yeah, she was definitely, she was, it's just so... But I love that she fell, like, she didn't even mean to. You know, she didn't mean to. She was hanging on his nose just to survive. It happens, man. I mean, look, 69.

Overrated. Also, like, when you're doing it early on, I'm always like, what are you trying to, like, what are you trying to prove, like, that were, like, fun? Like, why not... I mean, I, honestly, I, 69, it can be fun, but you're very much like, Your thing is... Comfort? No, your thing is that you get...

It's too much going on. That's your... That's what you say. Like, it's too distracting. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I just think it's like...

But people like it. There's a lot of 69 stuff came in. A lot of 69 mishaps. It also, like, there's so many mishaps, too, because, like, size-wise, you have to fit each other's bodies in a way. Oh, yeah, yeah. You have to be compatible. You have to be compatible. It can be...

It's like... If you're like a really short girl or a really tall guy. She's just on your belly button? Yeah. She's like, I can't reach. Or you're like, you're like on her knee because you're like too fucking tall. You know, it's like, sorry, I can't. Just honestly, you know what it is?

I think I know that like so many things can go wrong and you lose control of like so many things. So it's just like, yeah, so many things can go wrong. And that's why I'm probably like, yeah, I'd rather not. Yeah, you're very risk averse when it comes to 69. Yeah. Yeah, you just, the risk reward is just too high for you. Thank you guys so much for dialing in. Right now, go to YouTube.com.

Check out Desbishop's special of all people. Subscribe, Desbishop Comedy. Subscribe, press play. And also my Melbourne Comedy Festival, Melbourne, Australia Comedy Festival. Tickets go on sale on Monday. So if you're in Australia, I'm doing me and mama. I'm doing the show about my mom's grief, but it's funny, but it is about grief. and so come and check that out

in April Melbourne Comedy Festival and we're going to be an Aspen in Denver and Reno soon in like two weeks Very soon So hopefully some dialers will come We love you guys

Thanks for calling We'll talk to you later Bye