Berner Phone - Berner Phone #25: Worst Hookups Part 2

Episode Date: January 25, 2024

The little dialers have had so many first date and hookup mishaps that we had to make another episode! From awkward sutations to mildly gross confessions, the dialers have done it all.  Free delovery at Squeezed.com with code BERN $15 off skincare at apostrophe.com/BERN 50% off at factormeals.com/bern50

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. We just had a crazy little last week. Desa's special drops Blown up the internet He has multiple clips

With millions of views The Zaddy King Is coming out to play Yeah and also by the way Since we recorded the last time I've been to Ireland and back Yes he is a jet setter He's a world traveler

I've been to Ireland and back And somehow we never saw each other We missed each other by an hour at JFK I watched your plane Take Off into the sky and we won't see each other until we're in Reno for your show at the casino in Reno. People say, Hannah, how do you make your marriage work? I say, I make him miss me and I miss him, and we never physically see each other.

But we do podcasts once a week just to make sure that we're, you know, on the same page. I joke that when I tell people, oh, you know, because we're both comedians and both traveling all the time, you know, we only see each other about 50% of the time. And people under 30 go, oh, that must be so tough. And people over 50 go, you guys are going to make it. You guys are going to have a great marriage. I do see how like you don't want it to become like a roommate where it becomes too much of a. But it's hard. If two people have nine to five, that's what life is, is you get in a beautiful routine.

And some people are really good with routines. And I would argue sometimes we could use a fucking routine. But yeah, we're living this crazy life. However, I'm in L.A. right now, and I'm meeting you in Reno on Friday, and then we have, like, over a week together of skiing and shows, and it's going to be a good time. It is, it is. And we have a follow-on episode from last week. Yes, we got so many good ones, and you guys love the kinky shit. You dirty little dogs, you love it. And I'm be honest, I love it, too. and I think that I went through some and I found some new ones. I mean, it's just never ending the bad dating stories and it makes us feel a little alone

because we've all had just horrible, embarrassing, cringe-worthy dates that repeat on you. Every now and then you're just like trying to have a peaceful Sunday and then a memory just hits you and you go, why did that happen to me and why can't I forget it? And now we can all share that with each other. Do you know what's funny? It's all the dates and the hookups. stories that we got they're all quite recent right i would love to get like a 70 year old person to message in and be like this is what it was like dating in like 1960 you know i'd love to know

i'd love to know what a bad date was yeah in 1960 like did they even have lube back then did they have tampons did they have butt plugs because that's all the issues that we're having right now, the vibrators. Did they 69? A lot of 69. A lot of 69 issues. Yeah, honestly, I feel like sex ed is totally wrong because from the messages that we've got in over the last two weeks,

sex ed shouldn't be like, sexual intercourse makes a baby. It should be like, listen, if you're going to 69, watch what you eat that day, you know? If you have IBS, don't 69 after having, you know, full fat dairy. A lot of stuff like that. It's like, if you have a tampon in, You know, don't get too high and forget that you had the tampon, you know, practical stuff. Yeah, and then some fun stuff of how to deal with vibrators, because these vibrators are getting complicated. They're like fucking roller coasters. They have all this stuff coming out of it, and

sometimes it's hard to navigate, and they don't really have a good manual, and some of these guys get overwhelmed. Let's face it, Hannah. What? 57% of the time, when you want to use a vibrator, you hadn't charged it. 97% of the time can we talk about can we talk about how many times whether together or are you on your own

did you like oh I think I'll use that vibrator and then it's like fuck the funniest part is I have so many vibrators because I went through a period where I was like working with a lot of vibrator companies so I have like tons of vibrators and it takes a lot of admin to plan that you're going to have sex

especially when I'd never seen my husband. But recently, I was like, I'm going to charge one. And then, like, it was so annoying because, like, Grace is coming in. My freaking vibrators out there. My mom and dad are visiting. My vibrator's charging. Having her vibrator charging is, like, it's really not ideal. And can we also say there needs to be, like, universal sex toy charger outlet

because they all have, like, different charges. Then you can't find, you can't find the right outlet. And it's never, like, it's never long. was like it's always like a two inch cord that they give you or like you have to plug it into your computer and I feel like I'm about to play like a fucking video game it's like a fortnight vibrator but it's it's sex is like me with food like I'm not going to meal plan like one day one second I'm like I'm hungry and then I order Uber eats one second I'm like I'm horny I want to have sex I haven't been like I'm not going and preparing and charging my vibration

multiple vibrators, so I have a bunch of dead vibrators everywhere in my apartment. Honestly, it's like a vibrator cemetery in our house. The amount, it's a goddamn, it's a goddamn vibrator funeral home. But also, like, isn't it a little weird if, like, we go into the bedroom and I'm like, well, I've been charging this up, waiting for this moment, zz-z-z-z-z-z-z-z, you'd be like, okay, calm down. Yeah, you know, I mean, it is, it is funny how grateful my cousins different people are when you're like hey listen i have these because like sometimes like getting that

shit is like embarrassing but like when you hand over one of those felt bags full of goodies to somebody that we know they're always like awesome i do have to say vibrators are the best gifts and i famously got paid her first vibrator and it changed her life because like you're not going to buy it on your own but if someone else does you're like it's a joke and oops now i have a vibrator now i'm gonna orgasm all the time Oops, not my fault. What? How does the partner feel when you whip out your vibrator and it's not charged? It's like, how much have you been fucking using this thing?

It just dies midway. What's been going on here? The thing with Hannah is they're never charged because she takes them out of the box. They're always like uncharged, you know? You know the disappointment when you buy an iPhone and it's not charged? You're like, fuck. Well, I guess back then the, I'd almost rather batteries because just, throw that battery in and let's go yeah back in the good old days maybe i'm just old school like that

you know yeah all right well let's get let's get to uh we got an unexpected uh vibrator bit there i reckon there's a stand-up bit in there about charging up maybe did you see the one about the vibrator uh i don't know if i saw it i might have missed it it's okay i might have missed it oh Also, can I just announce I have my first ever, Dublin and London town shows that I announced. London, they're adding more tickets. They were on hold. They're adding more. Dublin, I'm playing the very famous Vicar Street that Des has told me all about, and I'm so fucking excited.

I know. I've only played it about 130 times. So he warmed it up for me. And it's around the corner from my house. so you'll get to meet my second family they're coming to the show I said they're actually they're opening they're doing an opening dance number my second family we have a we have a choral society oh god yeah sorry I didn't see the vibrator one well what was the

what was the vibrator one there was a vibrator one about a girl who they put like a they used a bullet and the guy didn't really know what to do and the bullet got like like stuck in her and then it kept vibrating and she's like get it out and that's basically what happened they couldn't get it out she was stuck up to so she had to wait for the battery to run they're just trying to fall asleep and it's just like she's like hanging out the next day and people like did you just get a text it's like no don't worry about it so anyway all right let's let's uh let's start with this let's get some call-ins yeah these are from last week and actually I think some people added some from after we said that we were going to keep talking about.

Okay, here we go. Dial it up. Hey, Hannah and Des. So a bad first date story that I have is I met this guy on Instagram and he asked me to go to Buffalo Wild Wing. So I was like, down. Why not? He's cute.

And again, we met on Instagram. So we had access to my social media. And I went on this date with him and he was showing me this picture on his phone. And he goes, yeah, swipe right. And I swiped right. and then it was a baby photo of myself, and I kept swiping, and there was more. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And he was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I know that looks weird, but, and it's because he stalked my mom's Facebook because he got her name from my Instagram. And yeah, so needless to say, that was the last date I went on with him. I was really creeped out, but he's like, I just thought you looked so cute and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, bro, you don't even know me. Like, you couldn't wait until after the first date to stalk me on my mom's face. book anyways yeah that was probably the weirdest one that's okay that's fucking weird weird but I'm not gonna pretend like I haven't stalked a guy's mom's Facebook before a date

but girls do it girls do it just you know to know what they're getting into you know like it's just research it's just protection I want to know what kind of family he comes from I mean I don't think I don't think it's weird to like Google somebody check their socials but getting into the getting into the mom That's a lot. Look, if I'm looking at a guy's Facebook and he tags his mom, I'm going to click on the mom. I'll see how many sisters does he have, how many brothers, is his dad hot? Like, what's going on?

No, him wanting to see her to see that he saw the babies because I'm keeping that to my grave. He's never going to know that I did that kind of research. That's, but him like showing it off. Also, I will show you baby pictures of myself and be like, how fucking cute am I? And first of all, I wasn't that cute. But second of all, you have zero interest. Like, my own husband doesn't care. Like, I'll be like, look at me running around.

And you're like, okay, why do I care when you were two years old? This is strange behavior. Oh, this is really strange. I think you're downplaying how strange it is that he saved the pictures in his phone. Now, let me give him the benefit of doubt for one second. He saved him in his phone because he thought he was going to do something funny with it for her, like make it funny. But, like, the fact that he had baby pictures in the phone, very. very strange if it's not your baby and you're saving a photo of a baby because you think it's

cute that's fucking weird it's weird listen if you're looking at somebody's parents Facebook for any reason other than trying to see what they're going to end up like genetically you're a weirdo you're a weirdo but with girls like you do do research because you're always afraid of getting murdered but yeah i've gone in trouble with the like a guy sees that i clicked on like eight google articles about him um but he had like weird history going on and then people say that a guy's caught them like checking out that um their house the guy's house on zillow where like it'll come up on their phone that they were looking at how much his house is or like googling his salary but like nowadays if the information's out there you're gonna look it up but this is

absolutely not absolutely not absolutely not my my current net worth on the internet is very high just just in case just in case anybody has Googled my net worth and thought wow he's killing it i can tell you i'm comfortable but i ain't as high as the internet thinks i am that's all i can say that's all i can say a little bit of sexism on the internet because i feel like with women it's always like very low it's always very low but you want it low you want it low true you don't want to get robs but i look at like the net worth of like reality tv stars and it's all over the place and like where the fuck are they getting this information like i know it's do you know when you search like a average salary of a job it's always like between 30k and 180k and i'm like that was helpful thank

you yeah no anyway not to get wrapped up in in networks Um, do we have, do we have anything to add on the Facebook stalking or, or Instagram stalking? I hate that so much. I hate that story. And I'm glad that she saw the red flag and got out. But I do love the stories where they're like, then we had sex. And then I was like, I'm never going to see this guy again. So, uh, all right, let's, let's go for something, uh, let's go for something dirty. Here we go. All right. This is a mishap of sorts. This is a one-night. stand TMI story. I met this guy on the dance floor. We're viving, dancing, making out. Eventually, one thing leads to another, and we're overing back to his house. We end up in his

bed, things are going good, and then all of a sudden, this man just spits right onto my face. Without asking, we never, like, talked about our kinks or anything previously, because, yeah, we just met. So this man just fucking spits right on my face, and basically, the woman was too stunned to speak. I was hoping that if someone did that to me, surprisingly, that I would just rock them in their face, but no, I just kind of sat there like, oh my God, what the fuck is going on?

I mean, talking about a turnoff. Some people do love that stuff. I cannot even, like, see a guy at hawkalugi and I get disgusted. I don't think I would punch a guy in the face. I just don't think I'd be able to, like, prevent myself from just going like, ew. Yeah, I'd be taken right out of the moment.

Yeah, and it's, it is obviously a little hypocritical because it's like you're literally swapping spit. You're like touching your weird little tongues together and like putting his innards in your innards. But like there's something about your spit going into the air and then hitting me that is just volatile behavior. I know, you know what's so funny though. And I agree with you 100%.

But the hilarious hypocrisy of it is like, you know, you could go down on somebody. I could go, you know, I could be like fucking tongue deep in a woman and then have my tongue in her mouth, all that stuff. But then the minute they spit on me, I'd be like, ew. Which is ridiculous, which is ridiculous. Like the water, you could have just peed. The water could still be filling in the toilet. I could go down and think it's fine. Then you spit in my face.

I'd be like, oh my God, that is so disgusting. I know. It's kind of like a mentality thing, but I agree. I would be freaked out. If somebody spat in my face and I didn't know it was coming, I would freak out. I, you know, I'm not a spitter, but there must be some steps before you spit. Yeah, like, do you mind if I spit in your face? I mean, that is the most, like, normal way to do it to just be like, how do you feel about spit?

Do you like it? Do you like? Yeah, like in advance of it, if that's something you like, or even just like, hey, like sometimes I like, to do like just spontaneous weird shit are you okay with that i'd be like please tell me what kind of spontaneous weird shit yeah but also you might be like cool let's fucking let's fucking see and then when he spits in the face of all that yeah and and maybe you'll be into it at least it was like at least it was like partial partial uh consultation about it i feel like people listening to this pod are either going to be like yeah they're right or they're like these people are so fucking

vanilla and boring i know but like okay so let me just say something okay okay I get that except if you're into spitting my recommendation would be like spit in her chest or spit in his chest first and gauge the reaction because spitting on the face is aggressive you know it's like it's it's a lot spitting on somebody's face you could get in my eye and then I could be blind

and then I can't see I just oh I'd like I'd have to like take a shower I'd be like excuse me I'll be right back and they never come back. I mean, I've had times in my life where somebody has done something. There's one particular memory I have from a long time ago. And she did something kind of like a little, a little like different to the norm. And I was just like immediately no.

And I was just like, listen, everything's cool. But like, I'm not into that. And like, don't do that again. And then we continued on it. It was fine. And it wasn't anything like super egregious. but it's like a spit in the face is that type of thing where it could like ruin the mood, you know?

It could end up. Yeah, yeah. Let's go with the next one. Oh, sorry, you're not comfortable? No, I just, I hate spit. Oh, sorry. I didn't realize it was a... All right, well, let's try this heartwarming tale.

Hey, guys, so I have a great first date story for you today. So a couple of years ago, I adopted my dog while I was at the animal shelter, filling out all the paperwork and picking him up. I met this man in the lobby. He pulled me aside, said, hey, you're really cute. I want to take you out. I said, sure, why not? So we meet up later that evening for some drinks.

Everything's going super well. We're really hitting it off. After about three to four drinks, though, things start to take a turn. And he starts talking about our new dogs and our children, our new house, how he's going to find me a range rover one day, you know, just red flags all over the fucking place. So naturally, I had sex with him. While we are in the middle of having sex, while he's inside of me, he looks me in the eye and says, I love you.

Best part of all this is my dog was at the foot of the bed watching the whole time. All right, thanks. Love you guys. Bye. So what do we feel about this going too far with the emotions upon first meeting? for sure red flag also when she told the story of like I was in the lobby of a pet shelter and a guy was like you're pretty I'd love to take you out it is almost like too good to be true and I hate to be that girl that's like but like meet someone on an app like a normal person

do you ever on an extremely normal person that for me like our generation I'd be I'm the I've had a guy once like come up to me in a library and he was just like you're beautiful would you ever want to and I was like, ew, like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, it just, it was so fucking weird. But that is, that is, like, that was one of the only ways to meet people very recently, not that long ago. Like, literally just, I think the apps only came out, like, what, 15 years ago? I know, but there's, 16, max? This guy at the library was quite creepy where I could tell, like, he'd probably been watching me for, like, 20 minutes.

Then finally was like, I think you're my soulmate. Do you want to get food? And I was like, I'm, no. I'm going to leave now. I was having fun. Meeting at the animal shelter. That's like, that's a rom-com beginning.

I know. And that, and like everything he's doing seems like too rom-com to the point that I'm like, he murders women. Yeah. I mean,

I can understand every now and then when you're over enamored with somebody on a first date and you really connect, you might say something like silly or lighthearted like, oh my God, I think I could marry you.

Or like, yeah, what are we going to name our kids? Like, that's funny. That's funny. This guy was weird. But the I love you. But then he's probably like either a love bomber or a scammer.

You know, like a Timber Swindler type situation. Or like he's, because this is the thing. He must do this all the time. Like you don't just for the first time ask someone out in a public place. Like that seems like something he probably does. But also I get in a public place. If you guys had been talking for a while, you've been interacting that at the end, he's like, oh, like what's your Instagram?

and then like in a couple days he goes hey do you want to get a drink that seems normal to me but when you like confront someone and put them on a spot like that i mean clearly he was hot if she went along with it and had sex with him but like his emotions are all over the place and i'm a kind of person if a guy says i like you on the first date i'm fucking out i hate that shit i feel like he's manipulative and i feel like he's he doesn't know me the average guy should just be like kind of confused on the first date what is your what is your etiquette on like first dates gone well uh what do you do after that is it just the the the half hour after you get home like hey I really had a good time oh good question what's the etiquette my ideal first date is

like go out you have good food you talk for like a really long time you don't really want to leave each other but you do and he's like you don't give him an opening to kiss to you but you could tell he really wanted to and you get out of there okay well well described our first date hannah is literally our first date wait i literally wasn't even thinking about our first day i was i swear to god i wasn't thinking of our first date we actually somebody uh non-consensually took a picture of us on our first date literally right at the time where we probably could have kissed but didn't standing on the water's edge in Sag Harbor

by the boats. So we had hung out for like five hours walking around Sag Harbor and then we were by the water. I know it's so funny, I never considered kissing there. Because I don't like not kiss on a first date, but A, COVID and B, I liked you and I was

like too nervous to kiss you. Because kissing involves like, is my breath okay? Am I sweaty? Like, are my lips chapped? Like, and I, if there's like if I feel pressure with it I'm like I'm not prepared let's do this another day

yeah and there was this extreme paradigm you were very worried about getting COVID at that time I was very worried about caring up but yeah that's ideal first day and then you like No but I'm talking about the afterwards part

I'm not talking about the ideal first then you leave and then like it shouldn't be a formal weird like I had a really good time with you like he should or you should just text him like something natural or like an inside joke

and then it just continues yeah I do feel like like I feel like the guy generally should like text and be like, hey, that was fun. Like, hope we can meet up again. I do, I do feel like that that's the thing. But I think either party should at least leave some crumb, some little hint that there's a reason that we might meet up in the future, another time at least. I think, I do think a lot of guys try to be like, okay, I'm going to wait and I'll text

her tomorrow morning and be like, that was so much fun or at night. But like, you don't have to. You could just like text. something funny and then just continue talking. I think my personal opinion is you should send a very gentle text not immediately, but like that evening, like when you get home or so. I feel like you should just say something. No, for sure.

I really do enjoy that. I feel like after first date, it is nice for him to give an acknowledgement. But yeah, how do we get here? Well, we're just talking about what is the right etiquette, Because obviously this was about, like, I love you on the first, the first time. I do know during steck, sometimes people say weird stuff. And, like, it could be his kink. Like, you know, that girl loved, like, the idea of getting pregnant.

Like, maybe he just, like, loves the I love you thing. But, yeah, you'd feel very consumed. Like, he's in you and he's saying that. Like, so physically and emotionally, he's like, you're mine. And I'd be like, okay, check, please. sometimes we just need to get a restart whether you're traveling a lot you're eating a lot of takeout you haven't worked out in a while you just feel gross and you know my inside sometimes reflect my outsides and that's when i like to go to squeeze.com because i love a juice cleanse because i'm not

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my most cringeworthy date was when i was in grad school i was going out with this guy for the first time he picked me up and the first thing he says to me is that I smell like weed, which was awkward because he knew I smoked, but I thought I had taken care of like the smell. Anyway, we go to a steakhouse and we're conversing and I think I just was talking too much and didn't chew my steak enough, but I started choking on a piece of steak and I tried to play it off and like sit up like I was going to go to the bathroom because if I was going to die, I was going to do it in private, but then he caught me, and then he was like, oh, are you okay? And he, like, kind of got dramatic about it.

And then I was fine because I spit it in a napkin. We did not go on a second date, nor did I ever talk to him again. Okay, goodbye. Oh, that was so me-coed. I would definitely, if I'm going to, knock on wood, if I'm going to die, it's because I'm going to be scarfing my food and talking too much. that my body just like can't handle it and then I die from eating steak well thank God

it wasn't the guy and he was on a date with you because if he was choking and was like I think I'm choking you would have been like you're not choking relax he'd be like calling ambulance and I'm like I'm not calling an ambulance to this nice steakhouse get somebody to do the hymick maneuver

and you'd be like oh my god don't be so dramatic Jesus Christ For those that don't know, we're referencing the fact that I once thought I was having a heart attack and Hannah didn't want to call 9-1-1. And actually, for those that didn't hear her talk about this, she actually Googled, is there another number other than 9-1-1? Like for like lesser emergencies. Yeah, she's like 3-1-1 because she wants to know what day to put the garbage out.

Is there like a Zoom or a telehealth? I just thought, like, calling an ambulance was so aggressive when, like, let's be honest, he was not having a heart attack. The man was fine. The man got a little scared. But no, when you're choking, those, like, three seconds you can't breathe, like, get my affairs in order. I'm out. And I've actually almost done that by myself before.

Like, you've a choked by yourself. It's a scariest thing. You're like, this is I die alone. Alone. When you're in public, it's so complicated because part of you knows you need to, like, hock this shit up. But then the other part is, like, this is so embarrassing. Have you ever, have you ever swallowed something? I'm like, you're not choking, but you're like in that 50-50 zone where you're like,

oh shit, is this actually, is this it? And then it does go down. But for a second, you're like, oh, fuck, oh, no. Yes. Yes, that happens to me all the time because I'm always talking. So, like, there's always a chance. I also have a little bit of a deviated septum where if I laugh while eating, which is all the time, I get full things stuck up my nose.

Paige hates when I talk about this, but I'll have like a chicken finger in my nose. And then I have to like blow it out. Or like I get rice in my nose a lot and like a full rice will come out. Yeah, but everybody gets that every now and then you fuck up and you get that sort of where it's kind of stuck between your nose and your mouth. Everybody gets that. And it's so hard because there's no cool way to do it. You have to kind of go like, you know, you have to do.

There's nothing you can do. That's just life. Why do we all get so bent out of shape about something we all deal with? When you finally blow out that piece of rice, it's better than an orgasm. I'll tell you that right now. It feels so fucking good. But sometimes it doesn't happen for like three or four hours. I know.

So when it happens, it's like I just came. But also, people will get weird with me. Like, when I have a cold, I'll blow my nose super aggressively and, like, you'll hear like, oh, blah, people will be like, ew. And I'm like, what do you want me to do? Be suffocated? Like, I understand if I'm, like, farting on everyone. But, like, girls should be allowed to blow their fucking nose in an aggressive way to clear

out their sinuses. 100%. And girls, for anybody listening, if you're choking, you don't need to be demure. You need to tell somebody, I'm choking. She should have tested this guy and see if he could have done the heimlich. Also, some guys get turned on by choking. They'll be like,

yeah, I'll get you with my dick later. I mean, it does make me upset that they didn't see each other again, but I hope it's because they weren't meant to be together and not because she was just embarrassed because I feel like with the right guy, you can embarrass yourself. And he won't like if I choked on our first date you probably would think it was funny yeah I mean I would have been fine with it once it wasn't too serious but if I had had a heart attack if I had a heart attack or thought I was having a heart attack on our first date I don't

think we would have had a second date you know that was that was way later in our in our relationship that you think I would have not texted you back if you had a heart attack I just think you know if you're if you're dating a guy that's a little older than you the The heart attack on the first date is just, it's a little off-putting. I'd be like, this guy's like a lot of drama. Yeah. This is just a little too real. I'd be like he does have a place in the Hamptons and he's clearly teetering.

Like he's... Oh, yeah. He's about to croak any second. You would have proposed on the next date. I would have like, this is a little suspect. Anna Nicole Smith, that shit. Yeah, you would have came in the next date and be like, I think we should get married and here's some cocaine.

Let's go to Vegas. All right, let's try something. Since it was mentioned at the beginning of the pod, let's try this. Hey, Hannah and Dez, I'm calling for Worst Hookup, and I was dating a guy for just a couple of months, and he decided to take me to Mexico, so I said, of course. And we're having a great time. I was there for about five days, just drinking,

and very dehydrated, mind you. And we decided to do 69. Well, I'm just going to town, and I'm usually not much of a gagger, but I must have been just really taking it. And I keep going, and all of a sudden, I'm like, did I just piss myself? And I'm like, and on his face. So I get up, and I look over, and he has a mouth completely filled with my urine, okay? He gets up, spits it all over the ground, he starts gagging, like, hardcore, like about to throw up. And I'm just mortified.

Like, I pissed in his mouth. And he said that it felt like someone took a squirt gun and shot it in the back of his throat. I'm like, mm-hmm, perfect. That's me. Thanks so much. Look, look, drunk sex is, like, drinking and driving. Like, things will go wrong. Things will go awry.

So don't be surprised when this shit happens. But when she said it was, like, what did she call it? A squirt gun on the back of his... so she really was like I would just be like I squirted good job oh god you know but I mean listen how many times is a guy

come in a woman's mouth I mean like some people are into it some people aren't but like come is not ideal pee is not ideal but it's not the end of the world but I get it you know he was shocked and if you would be shocked with somebody spitting in your face and somebody peeing in your mouth would definitely be shocking also like did he when he first felt it

Did he not move his mouth, or did he just say, I'll have to keep it the stream going? Like he suddenly turned into one of those carnival games where you have to keep getting it in the fucking hole. It's like, move your fucking mouth, asshole. What are you trying to win a fucking stuffed animal? Move, you fucking idiot. Yeah, that sounds like he was trying to be dramatic about it. Like, that's when you go, okay, never mind. No, I guess it was like, stay at that thing.

That is hilarious, man. I mean, I haven't got much to add, but listen, the reality is that from all these messages coming in, you've got to be very careful with 69. 69 is high risk. Or you just go in being like, hey, things could go really badly, but let's try it. And if something embarrassing happens, we've all consented to not getting upset about it. Yeah, I think she must have been like, she must have been like asphyxating, maybe a little drunk and then just lost control.

Yeah. It's just hard to manage, like, all your. holes especially as a woman because she was probably holding something in in the butt she's focusing on her mouth and she has to focus on that and she's hammered and she's drank way too yeah i mean she's dehydrated in mexico i would have done worse i i mean you could have had stuff coming out of every hole so she i think she actually she got away good in this situation i mean it would have been it would have been better if she like peed on his face but it didn't go right in his mouth i mean they're going in the mouth part i mean it is pretty disgusting

Fairness. I mean, it probably just tasted like margarita. The only problem is she said she was dehydrated, you know. Then it's a strong margarita. In an ideal world, she wouldn't have been dehydrated, you know? Thank God she didn't have asparagus. Okay. Let's go for, let's go for another mishap.

Okay. A few years ago, I was in the shower with my ex. and um we had been out during like we had gone out was like after being out at the bars in saratoga springs and um we were in the shower doing what you do and when in the back door which i'm not a fan of um and i promptly fainted um but what happened was he thought i slipped and he grabbed me put me back up like that I thought I was fine and then I hit the floor

woke up with wrapped it sitting on his bathroom floor wrapped in a towel and I was he was like I was like what? He was like you fainted and I was like no I didn't he was like well then tell me what happened the last five minutes and I was like and he's like yeah you fainted

so you know sometimes you faint in the shower while you're having sex okay this this girl is genius when you don't want to do anal just keep pretending You're fainting. Yeah, but this is the second fainter that we've had. Yeah, because I do think it's like a lot of anxiety. You're drunk, you're dehydrated.

And the shower is like intense. Like it's like a drug trip. It's very steamy. You're not getting as much oxygen. It's not good. He shouldn't have been, I mean, I hope they had lube. You shouldn't be going in the butt in the shower. No, no.

Because there's more friction. There's more fricion. Water is a bad lube. So I actually had a bit about this for a while how like water's not lube. Don't try and it in the shower. will be bloody my friend told me and it's like I do think you think because you're

in the shower is the perfect time to try but stuff because you're like it'll be clean yes but it actually it's like you need the most lube and and somehow water is the driest liquid when it comes to sex yeah it's not sex in the shower is good but

you have to be like skilled about it and there's a right and the wrong time yeah and definitely if you're having sex in the shower you need to step away from the from the jets certainly upon insertion yeah also if you're holding her up and her body's limp that's a sign too well you know it's it's pretty i mean i mean god thee both times the faint last week and then this faint this guy must have been fucking freaking out man he thought like there was a button in her butt that if you hit it she just like deactivates

but you know what i mean like how many of these how many documentaries have you seen like he's actually tried to put it in her butt which means that she's going to have like she's going to have like evidence of anal sex and like if she had actually suddenly died this guy can you imagine what was going through his head for those five minutes waiting for her to wake up that's a Netflix documentary right there he should right there calling be like hey i'll sell you the right right now. Nobody's believe in that story. It's like, I promise you, we were in the shower, everything was fine, I stuck in her

butt, and she died. And he goes, her friends say she didn't like anal, so why were you doing anal? Yeah, I mean, after watching that documentary the other day, I feel like, you know, even though we know this is a true story because we've heard it from her, had she died, it would not be believed. Everyone needs to watch American Nightmare on Netflix. It's one of our favorite docs in Wild, and you guys know we're picky about her. documentaries we are documentary kind of sewers he would have been the saratoga spring stalker

you know i actually did have one come in that i didn't mark about a guy who drove like four hours to see a girl and he ended up being crazy and like stalked her for weeks and that was like a little intense but it's like it's a thin line between like if he wanted to he would and like if he wanted to he's crazy yeah i mean it's a very thin line between like beautiful intense rober romance and like something's fucking really off yeah you know when you get these guys that like you have a couple of decent dates but it just doesn't happen and then you like say listen i'm not into it and then suddenly they're like you're a fucking bitch you know like they get super fucking aggressive it's one of those moments where like you have to really listen to your gut about stuff

where like yeah it looks really romantic that he's saying these things or he's driving to you or he's getting you these gifts but like in your gut does it feel right and like what is he overcompensating for her slash hiding and i'm not trying to ruin romance i'm just saying we fucking know deep down when you're like is he gonna skin me plus you know what i need to know if after she came to he was like okay can we can we can we start can we start fucking again okay here's a fun lighthearted one since we've had a few uh some people've had a few intense ones how you doing for time by the way love i'm i have 10 more minutes okay wonderful here we go hi hannah and does Back when my fiance and I were newly dating, we were hooking up and, you know, something happened

where I don't really know, but the way that his arm was laying on the couch and his Apple Watch called the emergency number and so it started making all of this noise. We didn't really think anything of it. We turned it off and then like two minutes later, the police were at his apartment's door and they had to come in and look around and do a wellness check. And it was really awkward because I was just there, like, sitting on the couch and pretending that, you know, nothing happened. We were just watching a movie and an excellent call 911. And then, yeah, it was really awkward.

And that was probably the worst bedroom story. But love you guys. Look, I don't trust Apple watches. I think they're creepy. I know, but this is literally, this is a good, I didn't even realize this is a very good follow on from what we were just talking about. Because, like, no matter how innocent the situation, those cops. are going to be like, why is this girl, you know, acting like everything's cool on the couch, you know?

Like, is she now trying to pretend that she didn't call 911, you know? Yeah. That is a freaky situation. Well, yeah, because then you're like, how do I act like it's, I'm not acting like I'm okay? Exactly. Like, honestly, every time a cop ends up behind me on the, on the highway, like even if I'm driving totally fine,

I immediately feel like I've done something wrong. Like everybody, once the cops show up, you feel like you've done something wrong. Every time I walk through TSA, I think I have heroin up my butthole. Like when I'm walking through, I'm like, did I forget to take out the heroin from my butthole? And I've never even touched heroin before. I know. You're like making eye contact with the TSA guy being that, you know, and you're like,

you're overcompensating. You're like, hi, good morning. I'm good. I'm great. Like, even when I go to like customs and they're asking you questions, I'm always like, they're probably like what is she hiding and yeah i'm i'm always a mess everybody has that everybody has the suddenly you feel like you're in an interrogation situation but this is this is very important this is very important you know for just in general with apple watches and iPhones and the

emergency number there's something that happened where like i watch the watches are got pulled or something apple watches got pulled from a certain thing i don't know keep an eye out in these streets you guys. Yeah they're ruining they're ruining first dates but they're married now so this this must have been a this must have been a bonding this must have been a bonding moment a lot of women or men have found their partners are cheating from Apple Watches and why is that because Apple Watches show texts so like text will come up on their Apple Watch that'll come up on their on their phone that'll come up on their computer and like it's just very hard to hide text messages when you have so many different vehicles for the text to come in or like a guy will be asleep and his Apple Watch is going off and she goes to like it's bright and she goes and she sees some girl being like send me a dick pick again and she's like there it is there it is I can't remember his name it was a long it was before I was living in New York like it was before I was doing a lot of shows in New York but there's this black comic I was on with him in Gotham and he had I had never heard anybody do a routine about like your girlfriend checking your phone because it was kind of

kind of like, that was like a new thing at the time. So this was definitely over 10 years ago. And he had this routine. It's like, you know, it's hard to hide that you're not cheating when you're like realize you're in the shower and you realize you left your phone in a bedroom and you come out soaking wet and be like, yo, sorry, I'm sorry. I just need my phone. She's like, you need your phone in the shower.

He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just expected a call. So keep an eye out when people are very paranoid about the phone. Yeah. You saw those funny memes about, like, people trying to get the... Oh, did you see that funny video about four or five years ago where the wife was trying to get his finger to open up the phone and it wasn't open up the phone?

And then she leaves and then he wakes up and he opens the phone with his big toe. Have you ever seen that? No, that's so funny. I also know people have found out about cheating through, like, the Amazon Echo or like the Alexis. Really? Yeah, because, well,

First of all, they can record things. You could literally be like record. And they also could be like say stuff on. I don't know. I'm not, I don't have those things. So I don't know the extent of it. But like technology is making it hard and harder for people to murder and to cheat. And maybe that's a good thing.

Yeah. It's definitely good. It's definitely good on the murder front. This is 100%. We just don't get a lot of serial kills. Not good for Netflix, though. No. Very bad. Netflix could do...

Netflix execs are pissed off. Yeah, Netflix could do with a serial killer. All right, this is a word to the wise. We kind of talked about this last week, but I feel like this is important information that needs to get out there. Hi, Basties. So basically, when I was younger, about 18,

I had a boyfriend who loved spicy foods. And one night we got an Indian, and he got like the spiciest curry that you could get on the menu. He was literally sweating, eating it, whatever. And later on, we went upstairs, and he went down on me. And my vagina was on fire. Like, it was crazy. I was running around, screaming, crying, thinking that I was going to die.

It was terrifying. So, yeah, basically, don't let your man go down on you after eating a really spicy curry. Top tip there. But yeah, love yours. Bye. I was very distracted by her incredible accent, Scottish. No, it's Northern English. Northern English.

But what's annoying is that my English accent knowledge is limited that I can't tell if she's from Newcastle or Liverpool. I'm going to say Newcastle, but there's part of her that makes me think maybe it was Liverpool. But either way, it's a northern. English accent great accent is it crazy I was more entertained by her accent than her insane fire pussy eating story yeah well they like to go for the cuddy they like to get it they like to get a curry over in the over in the UK I could hear her talking about the most boring thing and I'd be like this is incredible um no I don't fuck with spicy foods

you do like spicy foods though so we're gonna have to keep an eye out we're gonna have to keep an eye on that I don't need your pussy being on fire you know what I'm saying I mean Talk about immediately thinking like you have an STD. I know, right? Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Oh, my God, the paranoia. Oh, my God, the paranoia.

After my dry balls, can you imagine the dry ball situation and you had had spicy food and were like licking my remaining ball? I think I would have ended up in the hospital, honestly. I don't think you told everyone about your dry balls. I mentioned it very quickly that my skin was very dry and that my skin. I wrote him was trying. Oh, this is a bit of, I think this is a bit of advice, actually. Let's go with this quick.

So one time I was having sex with a guy, this one's not as weird as some of the other ones I submitted. And he, we like needed some loop. We didn't have loop. And he was like, one second. And then I was like, where is this man going? And then he left mid-sex to the kitchen and proceeded to come back with a bottle of olive oil. and I was like hell fucking no you're not putting that in my vagina and then he got all defensive and he was like I got this idea from another girl

she said it works really well and then I think he was embarrassed but yeah that was kind of weird now why I did this is because I wanted to Google afterwards is actually olive oil a good is olive oil suitable lube substitute because I feel like that's good information that's good information to know. As an Italian, you know, I feel like it would naturally go well with my pH balance.

I feel like I've heard of this before. I know J.Lo uses it apparently, apparently on her face to not get wrinkles. Olive oil may seem safe and effective to use as a sexual lubricant. However, it is not advisable to use olive oil in this way. Olive oil can damage latex condoms, number one, which can cause them to break or tear. it can also weaken the skin's natural barrier function natural barrier function apologize and clogged pores which may lead to breakouts and infections so not a good idea okay so i like that he was trying to be you know farm to table with it but let's stick to

normal loob um i don't i don't i don't i don't even like the like when food gets involved not that that's a thing we do a lot but like actually back in the day jessica simpson came out with a line of like edible like perfume type stuff and I think it's in theory fun but like we're all going to get infections just like give me a yeast infection and let's move on

with our day. Some comedian recently, very recently posted a clip on Instagram. I can't remember who I think it might have been Joe List but he said the double standard of like when a woman uses a cucumber as a vibrator that's like oh cool but like if a man fucks a watermelon it's like what a fucking loser I can't remember who it was

they did post it online so it's not like one of these situations very funny there is a peach scene and call me by your name of yes you love bringing that up and I still haven't seen it the peach scene was pretty iconic and you can't really look at a peach the same way again but we don't look at cucumbers normally like no girl sees a cucumber and it's just

like oh it's a cucumber you're like okay that would hurt ow Yeah, it depends on the size. It depends on, it depends on the size of a cucumber. It depends if it's a GMO, GMO cucumber. GMO cucumbers, watch out for those. You got to watch out for those. Wait, babe, I have to go.

Okay, well, Hannah has to go, which is, by the way, guys, we apologize this episode, maybe just a touch shorter, but Hannah has an insane schedule. We've both been traveling all over the world. So we hope you guys are good. Thank you for, thank you for everybody that watched the special and left comments. Hannah, anything to say? Oh yeah, and I also announced that I do have a Netflix special that I'm working on that I'm going to be filming in Philly, March 23rd, and it's because of you guys, a lot of

people listening to this pod are like the real fucking ones, the real, oh, geez, I love you all so much, I want to kiss your foreheads, thank you so much, and stay tuned. I'm not just so for the record in case you want to, I don't get an executive producer credit on Hannah's Netflix special. You might, you might if you step it up, you're definitely going to be in special. Special thanks. Oh, okay. I'll take special thanks.

So, whatever you want, babe. Thanks to Des for nearly having a heart attack and giving me three minutes of material if that story. Oh, okay, yeah. No, I'm just joking. Thanks, Des for being old.

Also, can I just say, oh, my tickets for Melbourne Comedy Festival on sale, so my last run of Mia Mama. Tickets for Melbourne Comedy Festival. So, okay, that's it, right? Yes, I love you guys so much. I'll talk to you dialers later. Look out Monday for another prompt. Bye.