Berner Phone - Berner Phone #29: Worst Parts of Adulting

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

We don't cook and we don't clean, but we finally feel seen by the little dialers. From taxes to no more summer vacation, being an adult is hard and we haven't quite figured it out. At least we're in this together.  Rocketmoney.com/BERNERPHONE 15% off at vessi.com/BERN 50% off at factormeals.com/bern50

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? How's it going, everybody? We're so excited for this episode because I'm about to get personally attacked. This is my downfall. This is my Achilles heel.

We're talking about adulting. Yes, and this is an area where perhaps you really nailed childhood and adolescence. I did. But you haven't managed to get on top of the challenges of being an adult. Oh, wow. Sorry, all the challenges. You're coming for my throat. Oh, no, sorry.

I was actually paraphr-I wasn't coming for you. No, but I mean. I was assuming that's what you meant. Not to get deep, but yeah, when I was a kid, I was always had kind of a career. Like, I was a tennis player, I did well in school, I did one in college, and then I was... And you're still doing well as an adult. But the aspects, perhaps the aspects that were overlooked because you were so focused on other areas have not turned out to be your strong point.

Yeah. By the way, can I just say, they've never been mine either. True. We're two peas in a pod on this one. My favorite thing is Dez has a nephew who loves to visit Des because he calls it the messy place. No, he said, no, it's nice to be with Des because I get to live the messy life for a while. He said, I get to live the messy life for a while. My mom is like the ultimate adult.

Like if you search adult, like that's my mom. And she, I think, at a young age, she was always very mature and would, you know, be adulty. But when my dad comes over to our apartment, he's like, wait, so you could just leave a spoon in the sink. I'm like, we could do whatever the fuck we want. We could eat dinner by the TV. You could drink out of the bottle, straight out of the fridge. You could drink soda in the morning. Like, this is just like a kid's dream.

It does feel like, I don't know if you know the Jimmy Neutron movie. something happened where like all the adults disappeared and they're like I'm peeing in the shower like you can do whatever you want by the way everybody pees in the shower everyone pees in a shower actually part of adult thing is realizing that that's fine also and no one could tell if you peed or not

yeah and like the the remnants of whatever oils and dirt that's on you that you're washing off and hits the floor and goes into the drain it's kind of just as disgusting as your pee so don't feel bad for in fact I would say in the world where we need to save water peeing

the shower is actually good for the environment. Yeah. Because you're saving a flush. Yes. You're saving a flush. Raising awareness. I do think also that college is great because it's like a holding cell for you to kind of learn to be on your own. But my college was just me playing tennis the whole time and then sleeping when I wasn't playing tennis.

So I wasn't really like growing. And then I feel like everything happens so fast because you're like, I have to get a job. The next you know you're 26, you have to pay for your own health. insurance. You don't even know how to get health insurance. Let's get into it. Let's get into it. Oh, I actually, I woke up though when I saw a meme that was very funny from VXZ is her Twitter handle, X handle. Half of adulting is basically you trying not to cry. That's girlhood. Adulthood is also not asking your mom what to do all the time, which I had to start doing because my mom like knows the answers to a lot of things i know yeah i find it pretty

easy to do that these days his mom isn't here with us anymore is what he's saying so um yeah now that you were in the mood i also think adulting is not like telling people off the way you want to in your head like you have to be like very you have to be polite to everyone in a professional manner or you're like insane like if you're not always professional in professional environments. Yeah, I mean, and we don't, we don't always succeed. I would say that's another aspect of adulting that I have not mastered. We've, like, avoided a lot of adulting things.

No, we haven't avoided adulting. We just haven't taken the traditional adult path. Yeah. You know, that's what I would say, in that we're both in the arts. Yeah. You know, so the arts, you know, you don't have a lot of what are traditionally, you know, adult things, but we still have to adult. Yeah, which is a struggle. Our jobs are still adulting.

In fact, I would argue that in some aspects of our profession, we have to be more adult because it's not as clear. The path isn't as clear. True. So you have to be like an improvisational adult. Yeah, and like if you don't get your own insurance, you just won't have it. And then you're skiing on a mountain and next thing, you know. I actually think maybe we're more than adults. Maybe we're just retired old people.

I know you work like animals. True. True. We do work like animals. But we live a life where like we like to golf. But I like to golf. I like to golf twice a year. Okay, fine.

I don't know. I mean, I'd go with it, but I'd have to lie. I'd have to go with this fake narrative that you're about to post. I'm just saying I feel like I'm more an old man than a child. I know, but this is all just an illusion because you work like literally every minute you're awake, you're working. But I love my job. Yes, so none of this, like it's... I do feel like it's like we work at arts and crafts.

Like it's our arts and crafts class. You know, when you walk into the drama class and you're like, yay, get to be silly. And then we've somehow made that into it. jobs but do you ever walk into a friend's house and you're like oh this is an adult's house my friends have kids man i'm a little bit further along the adulting process than then then you like i i i i totally understand that i very much identify with a lot of the sentiment that came through because i remember that phase but you realize oh my god like this is on me now.

Yeah. So I remember that phase? But like I definitely have the majority of houses I walk into now feel like adults' houses. Yeah, because they all have kids and stuff. And I do sometimes get maybe a touch embarrassed when my other adult friends come into my house and I kind of immediately have to be like, ah, yeah, like this is not the house of a 40-whatever-year-old man, you know? Well, because most men in their 40s, you know, have children and a wife and they take care of the home together.

Yeah, but I have a wife. I just didn't, I didn't get, I, I'm not a real life. I married myself. The one area where we are not sympathetico is that we are very sympathetico in our messiness. So we did not find, we did not find the match of somebody who would say, okay, this is what you're good at and this is what I'm good at. and we're going to balance it out. But would you argue that if we both were with someone who was super organized, they would get so fucking annoyed at us?

No, actually, I have to say that I've always found that when somebody else is in the situation, I don't mean even just like a partner. I mean like staying with a friend or somebody's staying with me. When somebody else is around, I'm tidy. I can be tidy for other people who require tidiness, but this has always been my problem. I don't require tidiness. I know for some people it's like they can't imagine that

but like there are a lot of things about different people I can't imagine why it matters to them what makes what's somebody OCD about what somebody not everybody is themselves but I do not require tidiness we stress about different things I enjoy it too I enjoy it I've never seen it but I enjoy it's not essential for me not essential but I have friends you know who in your 20s

like you know you get these apartments together and it's still like a college dorm then eventually people start moving out maybe they're with someone or they get their own place and they start making it nicer like i actually don't know the process that when you flip and become like oh i always have you know chocolates by the door chocolate's by the door i don't know that's called october 31st i don't know i think in italian families they like to always have a little like bowl of chocolate really yeah it's it's like little little candy that's It's an adult home For when little kids come through

And they want some candy You're so bad at adulting You don't even know what adulting is Having chocolates by the door is not adulting I think we need some chocolate by the door And that would change everything Or people who put a bunch of pillows On their bed

Yeah I've never been a pillow in the bed guy Like Paige loves putting pillows on your bed People are good at that The stagers, the real estate stagers Yes I'll stay in somebody's house And well here's the thing about pills on the bed.

Most of the time you have to take the pillows off the bed to sleep, then you put the pillows back on. Yeah, it's a lot of extra admin, I would say. When you stay in like a five-star hotel and they have turned down service. Yeah. So like... Every time walk in, you're like, okay, I have to throw eight pillows off the bed. No, but somebody comes in at five or six o'clock.

Yeah. And turns down your bed. They put the show pillows back on the bed. Like, that's a lot. Yeah, but we love staying at hotels because it makes us feel like adults. Yes. It's the only place where we live like an... organized life. But I have to say, like, I've never understood the incredible amounts of show pillows

that then have to be moved. Yes. Yeah. For sure. I, yeah. I mean, I still don't make my bed in the morning. It's embarrassing to say, but I don't. And I've seen, you know, all those, like, inspiring TikToks, like, whatever you do, the first thing you have to do is make the bed in the morning. I go, how about no? Yeah, well, Jordan Peterson said that. So that's easily wiped. Okay. How about no? How about, never mind. How about to fuck yourself I get it Maybe out of spite

I'm like I'm trying to be successful Not making my bed And I'm gonna do a TED talk about it I'm gonna be successful Without doing any of the shit The people say I'm not gonna take a nice bath I'm not gonna make my bed

I'm not gonna organize my finances It really is about mental health I'm gonna eat fucking bread Every day Yes I'm not like Kevin Hart was like I wake up at 430 a.m. I go I need 12 hours Yeah

I need 12 hours of sleep I do think it's about whatever your mental health is. Because I've done the wake up at 5 a.m. Work out all the time. And at the end of the day, if you don't believe in yourself, it doesn't fucking matter how hard you're working.

If you don't believe in yourself. It's funny. It's like every episode, there's a moment where Hannah turns into a life coach. I think I teeter on life coach cult. I really teeter. You really do. I'll go there.

I'm this close. This trumping you. I can never be a politician because I don't know anything about politics because I'm not an adult. I'm not an adult so I actually can't do politics? All right. Can we get into it? Because we've got a lot of good ones. Okay, let's get into it. All right.

Let's start with this one just because like this has kind of come up already. Hi, Hannah and Des. My name's Tiffany from New York. And I think the worst thing about being an adult that no one talks about is having to schedule your own doctor's appointments, dentists appointments. it's really scary and especially if you don't know a good doctor in your area you have to just keep trying new doctors and dentists and gynaecologists until you find one that you're comfortable with because some of these people just their office is not cute the service isn't what you thought it would be and it's just nothing like having your primary care doctor when you were a little wee baby so yeah bye no she's so right this is a biggie do you know when you're little and it's like time to go the dog doctor and you go to this like colorful beautiful little place and it's the same nice guy or girl and you're like yay and then one day it's like get a doctor's appointment and you're like who how yes where and then new yorks insurance yeah well that's the whole thing and then new york city it's always like

a hole in the wall with some guy with a bunch of fucking needles and he's like hello and you're like how did i get here you know you have a lot of options you don't you don't have to go to that guy Sometimes that's, well, I love Zoc Doc, which I believe we partner with. And Zoc Doc, you get to look at who takes your insurance, which is great. But you do have to try different doctors, especially like gynos are annoying. Yeah, I mean, I haven't had the gino experience, but I absolutely identify with this person because my mother was a real stickler for the dentist. And obviously I was in Ireland since I was 14. I wasn't with my family, but like one of the first things, every time I came back to New York, my mother would push me to go to the dentist.

Yeah. And I think I went a decade without going to the dentist once I was out of my mother's proper care. Babe, that's so European of you. I think it was like a decade. But not because I wasn't like looking after my teeth. I just like didn't even know. And then you get embarrassed to have that awkward moment of I don't even know where to begin with it. When was your last dental appointment?

It's like when Bill Clinton was president. You lie. Do you remember the first Gulf War? Everyone lies about flossing. You could lie about the, the disappointment. Oh, yeah. I mean, as far as my dentist goes, I'm an incredible flosser. Oh.

Really? You floss every day? No, but that's what I've told my dentist. Normally they could tell when you're lying. Yeah, well, I have had some gum recession. There's been some rumors that they could also tell if you sucked a dick recently. Really? I think that's like an urban myth that goes around.

Possibly. Like pools turning color when you pee in them. Possibly. I think well they turn color favorite period um anyway I do I do have a dentist actually Park 60 lentil shout out that I go to but that was again like girls supporting girls and they were like hey we love you can you come in to get your teeth cleans and out like I need like they they tell me to come I don't tell them when I I think this day and age because I'm in this weird cusp of like when you used to have to you know call for everything and then

the phones were invented. So, like, I feel like people are older than me are so used to calling for appointments where, like, I'll get, you'll be like, oh, like, call the lobby in a hotel and I'm like, can you call? And you're like, why can't you call? And I'm like, because it's just like the thing.

It's just like a lot. We're like, my dad loves talking to customer service. He'll be like, I'll call Verizon. Yeah. And I'm like, this is like the most exciting part of his day is called Verizon. Like, you always need me to call Delta. Yeah, I'm not calling Delta.

And then when you call Delta, you're looking at me like helplessly. I get so scared. them the question No I get so scared Because then they get They do it all the time So when you're like

I don't know what that means They're like are you fucking stupid No they're not That's in your head though I once cried at a USPS Yes Everyone struggles with that Did anyone submit about USPS?

Nothing came in about USPS But they you know why They're very They know that you've covered that Very strongly There will never be In any of our ads There will never be a U.S. government, U.S.PS ad, that's for sure.

They'll know, they'll know you're lying. Well, the biggest thing of why I'm not an adult is I can't fucking drive. Well, let's go right to this then. So I think one of the worst parts about being an adult that not enough people talk about is just the upkeep of owning a car. Those of us that do drive, like, it's difficult to have to remember, like, one day an oil change like what happens if you don't like don't cars just like have oil and like having to pump up your tires like that's something you have to do like frequently like shouldn't tires

just like keep air inside and then don't even get me started on an inspection sticker because mine's been expired since may is now February um I'm pretty much I can sure I can go like a year without one um but like nobody's around to tell me to do these things and I just like don't know how to be a responsible keeper of a vehicle. No, like, I'm never getting my driver's license after hearing this. Like, I'm so stressed out for her. You had it before, okay? So let's talk about how bad you are at Adelting.

I know you've told the story before, but for any of the new dialers, okay, you always stop me, but let's get into it. Okay. Okay. This is your weakest moment of Adelting without a shadow of doubt. Well, you have to start with at 24, my dad was like, you need your license. And as a New York City person, like, I do have a lot of friends who don't have their license. We never had to have it.

Yes. I failed it in Riverhead. So then I went to the Bronx. And I don't know what happened. I blacked out. And I, like, had a perfect parallel park. And I'm driving back. And I think I passed.

And she's, like, printing out the receipt being like, you passed. And then she's like, okay, go park over there. And I ram the curb so hard in front of my dad. And she goes, Jesus Christ. And I get out of the car. and I'm like dad I passed and he's like no you didn't and I was like no like I passed and he's like you are not equipped to be on the road so I was like okay well I don't want to know now so I have no confidence and then apparently if your license expires which I didn't even know when it expired

you have like a year or two to renew so if your license expires you have two years to renew online if you do not renew in two years you have to retake the test so all you have to do is just renew online well it was during covid and i was locked in a house um shooting a tv show and i thought that i had to physically go somewhere to renew it actually i don't even know if i knew i had to renew it and then i just assumed like you couldn't do it online and then it expired and then i found out you just had to click a button online so I lost my license and then I had to start from scratch again which is my nightmare you had to go and do the written so I did the written and I pat the written is like it's like should you get in a car after drinking 10 beers and you're like no and they're like

amazing but then I had to do the test again and I failed so miserably and the guy in the car turned to me and he was like did you have your license before and I was like yeah so for those that have taken the certainly the new york driver's test hannah didn't even get to parallel park which is the one thing we had been trying to work on and she didn't even get to parallel park she failed before that so it was i think the riverhead one is weird because like you turn out of this weird place and then they're like take a right but there's like a bunch of it was a left it was a left which apparently i went like over the yellow line yeah but then there was a bunch of rights so i took a right and he was like no the other right and i got like really flustered

and I feel like they hate me like I felt like he was like there's something about a driver's test that stresses me out so much like people are like oh how do you talk to a thousand people on a stage like that's my nightmare I go you know what my nightmare is doing a driver's test so like we all have different phobias and fears but I have to say for the car owners uh this this message is like so spot on because like no I'm so when you're when you're suddenly the person the has to get the inspection, which, by the way, the inspection is a total racket. Like, for a new car, it's actually insane that you have to get it inspected as early as you do. But it's great for the mechanics, I guess.

But then one day you get a ticket. That's usually what happens to, like, the new car owner, like somebody who's not used to having a car. One day you get a ticket. And you're like, well, how the fuck did I get a ticket? This is not illegal. And it's your inspection. And you're like, what? But you know what?

This is the kind of stuff I wish that they did in school. Like, they just have to have, like, a adult in class being like, okay, then you're going to get a car. Yeah. And the car needs this. Because if you don't have people tell, like, if you don't have someone older to tell you to do this stuff, there's not like a life manual to tell you to do it. Well, I mean, you have, they're called parents. Like, that is kind of part of, like, parenting. I know, but some, like, if you're 26 and you suddenly get a car.

But if you're 26 and you have a. figured it out you're already into the like this person is struggling with adulting. Even like Googling it is stressful like how like it's nothing straightforward and then I get mad and I make it like it's therefore I'm like they didn't make it clear enough so I'm not doing it you're putting the adult education into like you're putting adult education into a new area you know the way like adult education like adult literacy it's like you know a great thing for like people who perhaps didn't have educational opportunities when they're young but you actually need like a school for being an Yeah. And I went to a top university and didn't learn shit. Okay? Didn't learn shit. Listen, you don't need to drive.

Yeah, it's not a thing. But like, you know, in the early days when you're younger and stuff goes wrong with your car and you don't have a lot of money, like it, that is a moment where you're like, fuck this. I am a stand-of comedian because I don't like traditional systems. Like, how long did it take me to even get TSA pre? Well, you resisted it, but you, you know, that was. Is it called TSA pre? yeah well you and you got global entry also global entry but I was like why that's an adulting tip for people and actually do you know what let's take it to the next level because TSA pre and clear and global entry we're beyond that now you got to get digital ID I probably shouldn't even tell people because I don't want the line to get longer but digital ID adult hack life hack if you're a flyer oh I like life hack I like how positive that was babe that was really good anyway let's uh we crack on we got a lot yeah I'm I'm stressed

my heart's beating. Really? But this is, you know what? This is something like everybody has their area where it's like it shouldn't be as stressful as it is. And I do feel that like admin, which is clearly a running theme through Giggly Squad, it's a running theme through your stand-up. And I identify. But at some stage, one has to not be as triggered by admin as somebody as triggered as admin like you.

is don't you agree well when you tell me not to be triggered it makes me more triggered no i know i mean no but seriously like it's just it is an area i think we need to get like a hypnotherapist onto the onto the podcast okay to just maybe just clear away some of the the heart racing around maybe that's why i do so much work because i'm like okay well i don't know how to book a doctor's appointment but i can get this essay done yeah i can i can do crowd work in front of 2,000 people but i just I don't know how to renew my insurance. I'm guilty of signing up for subscriptions and then forgetting I ever did it. You know, there'll be an ad for like an app that's going to change your life and it's, you know, $4.99.

And you're like, yes. And then you forget you have it. Or you just want something for a week and then you're supposed to cancel it. But then you forget to cancel it. Look, the numbers add up. And that's when I discovered rocket money. It's a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills. As you guys know, I don't

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That was dark. Well, no, because it's like that is, because she's younger, right? And, like, that is a transition. It's like, oh, suddenly, like, the summer is just a warmer time. That's what my family's like, will then become a teacher? Become a teacher. You love the summer. Become a teacher. Yeah. That's every New York.

Become a teacher. I do think the whole PTO thing, people also don't talk you through. What is PTO? Paid time off. So when you get a job sometimes, they'll give you like, okay, you have 14 days off this year. That's not a lot of days, one. Two, I saw this thing where they were like, these are the days you should pick off because it's attached to long weekends. so you actually can end up getting like a crazy long vacation strategically.

But what happens a lot of the time is you don't take the right days off. And then it's like right before the end of the year. And they're like, you have to take your paid time off. And you're like, oh, okay. And you're like, don't even get to be on vacation because you didn't plan it out. Like that happened to me when I first had a job. Like they were like you didn't take enough days. And then you kind of get paid for them.

But mentally it's like you need to take a fucking break. Yeah. And then the worst thing, which these new, companies do is the unlimited vacation days which is so fucked up because when you say oh unlimited vacation that means every time we take vacation it was your decision and they're basically like just to make sure your work is done so you end up they say unlimited vacation days ends up being like no vacation days because you end up feeling like pressured by other people where when they give you an amount of days you got to take these days off we're unlimited it never happens in these companies.

companies. Like, it's really bad. It's really bad. So maybe you should become a teacher. Yeah. Become a teacher. Become a teacher. All right, let's go. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. I love the pod. The worst part about being an adult to me is that every time I leave the house, I have to spend $50. I'm a sweet treat gal. I'm a treat yourself gal.

And I'm also constantly running out of things and forgetting that I ran out of things. so it's like I just stay inside because every time I walk out of the house I have to spend money it gives me the will to live but also like you run out of things every week you run out of toilet paper you run out of toothpaste run out of shampoo and they never seem to run out at the same time so between the sweet treat and constantly running out of things that I need every time I leave the house I just spend $50 and it really adds up and nobody warned me about that that as an adult, like that you really need to have self-restraint because otherwise you just have no money because you spend $50 every time you step outside. No, that's so valid.

I thought you were going to say something. Oh, sorry. I thought you were going to say something. Well, I was. I mean, this is the thing. I don't know what people did before Amazon. Like, I know what my mom did. Like she was, my mom was always coming from the grocery store. Yes. Like, she always just had like tons of bags or work. I did like going to the supermarket with. my mom it was like a thing um after school we go in the supermarket because to cook you needed stuff where nowadays we get stuff from amazon and then you learned about the subscribe and save which means okay i can subscribe i subscribed um to getting cat food for butter because that for some reason like i care that my cat lives more than me and then somehow we have so much cat food

that butter will survive the apocalypse not us and no we'll be eating cat food We'll be cat food. When the apocalypse hits, we'll be eating cat food. Wet in the morning and then snacking on dry for the rest of the day. That's how we're getting through the apocalypse. Our walking dead is brought you by Purina. Then we just play with feathers in between. Butter will be like, that's my ball.

We're just licking from the water. And then the dry gets stuck in the water and it's all soggy. Anyway, so, but yeah, like, we're out of toilet paper right now, and I keep being, like, go to Amazon. Like, all I have to do is click it on Amazon. Imagine back in the day you had to physically go to get toilet paper. That's a pain in the ass. Yeah, toilet paper, paper towels. That came up a lot.

I feel like that should just be government funded. That should just be government funded. They just drop it off every week to everyone. Yeah, I mean, I do, like, the amount of improvising I have had to do in my life on toilet paper. all I have to say is make sure that you always have tissues yeah make sure there's tons of tissues in the house and you'll be fine I've had to have like ew babe what what were you gonna say excuse me excuse me you ewed me before I even said anything

it's not going to be gross what are you going to be gross I was just going to say the amount of times I've suddenly realized like oh I guess I'm getting in the shower straight away after this okay I thought you're going to say like who needs that shirt Oh, Hannah, that's when you're driving. That's like emergency pullover in the LIE situation. That's different. That's different. That'll be our bathroom mishaps episode of which I've had, you know,

comedy and jogging, the two worst things for bowel control. Do you know it's dangerous about being adult when you're with an older man and he has all these like cortisone creams or whatever all your creams are? And you always put it. Well, actually, the cortisone creams are actually for my skin, There's nothing to do with my age. Regardless, you have a lot of random creams, and you always put it right next to the toothpaste,

so then I'm putting fucking, like, ball itch cream on my toothbrush, and then almost... Are you trying to kill me? No, but Bob Jackson, brushed his teeth with fucking hydrochortizone when he was over for the wedding. Bob Jackson was like, I'm after fucking brushing my teeth with fucking hydrocarthone.

Yeah, because you put it right next to the tooth base. every time it's like you're fucking with me yeah but anyway hey my creams are minuscule compared to the amount of creams you have in the bathroom so anyway but I totally identify I've always struggled since adulthood since I've been on my own I've always struggled to have like the essentials like so here's how bad I am at adulting like in my life between Ireland and here the amount of times I've bought like household essentials it at like 11 p.m. In like a 7-Eleven or an Irish gas station for like twice the price that you would get

at a supermarket. What kind of essential? 50% of the time. Toilet paper, paper towels, like soap or, you know, tablets for the dishwasher. Like the shit that you should not be buying at a 7-Eleven, I have bought. But you know what? I feel like if we had 9 to 5s, you get it more of a routine where it's like, oh, Mondays, we stop by Trader Joe's and we pick up essentials we need.

We have a list, a running list. This, like, we, that's the thing. We chose this unorthodox life. And with that, we're ready about it adulting. It's made it, like, even more difficult. Now, Amazon has help. Like, in Ireland, the Amazon's not as good. Like, being in the States, the Amazon has helped me.

I'm actually pretty good at being on top of that stuff. Yeah, yeah. Because it's, like, 24-hour delivery. And also, we don't consume that much stuff. And the fact that, like, stuff can be left outside our door, both here and in West Hampton. Like, I live in Rialto in Dublin. I'm like, I can't do that.

So actually, American delivery services have helped me to adult. Also, remember when adults, adults had to print out MapQuest to go anywhere? Of course. Like, that's crazy. I would just be like, I'm not going. I'm not going to figure it out. But that's like an evolution. Also, you know the kind of fights we would have in the car of me?

Like the fact that MapQuest, like, I mean, I remember the internet, you know, like, the fact that you were able to print out the map was actually amazing. I know, yeah, because you guys had like old school. maps like christopher columbus maps the road atlas like the the whole of america's roads go east go with the wind i had to wait till midday and check out the direction of the sun and be like i think i think we're going the right way imagine us in a car trying to go somewhere me with a map quest trying to read it to you messing it up the amount of fights we'd get into but i had that man i don't have to imagine it because i had it with my brothers and friends but like you wouldn't know you made You'd be on the road before you realize you made a wrong turn.

My dad and I once went through the Holland Tunnel and then 30 minutes later we're somehow on the line again to the Holland Tunnel. And we would have all this because my dad and I were both very bad directions. My mom's amazing. My mom will go to someplace once and not even need a map where my dad and I will never know. In tennis tournaments, you have to get to a match at a certain time or you get to faulted. So it would be freaking out. I always forgot my shoes or something.

Anyway, once we left a tennis tournament. somehow got turned into a condominium home like you know how crazy condominium we were in there for an hour and a half we couldn't get out we were like a maze and we were like at what point we're like we're going to die here we had no food yeah well you could have broke into a house hopefully they had a cat we had no cat food on us those were the good old days man all right let's uh let's keep going So I think the worst part about being an adult is truly just the amount of admin required. I know you guys joke about like how much admin everything requires, but it truly is the case with being an adult in general.

Like if you're doing your taxes, you have to prepare forms and do all this paperwork or same thing with getting a car loan, buying a house. It just seems like doing anything as an adult requires me to do work. and it feels like I'm working a corporate job just to stay alive as a human being, you know, outside of my working hours. And no one's paying me to do this, but I have all these admin tasks and I don't like it. Yeah, they really need to teach the tax process because I feel like someone made some ideas of how it works. And then no one tells you, like when I realized that you have to, okay, I guess this is a little niche because when you're working like odd jobs, you get 1099s. Yes.

you have to wait for the 1099s to come in the mail and then you have to open them up and then you have to take a photo and send it to an accountant I don't check my mail I'm not checking my mail like why don't they email it to me why can't you email me a 1099

taxes are unnecessarily complicated because like if they go hey where's the 1099 for this I could just be like oh let me check in my email oh here forward instead of having to fucking like honestly mail stresses me out so much like the fact that i've ever gotten any mail is a miracle yeah well the 1099 thing is crazy but anyone who does their taxes it's just it's very unnecessarily complicated and like it's fine obviously they've created a whole other business to organize your taxes but part of the reason why you need to spend some you need to pay people

to do your taxes because they are unnecessarily complicated which again it seems like a multi-level marketing scheme it's frightening it's well yeah the fact that the government goes tell us what what you owe us and if you get it wrong you're in trouble yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah just tell me that's funny tell us what you owe us and if you're wrong you're fucked you're fucked that's pressure that's more pressure than a driving test you guys know the answer why do i have to figure out the answer i actually made a very well actually in the defense of the government not a popular not a popular not a the thing to do these days but in defense of the government the government cannot know how much expenses so the government cannot know what you're entitled to in terms of expenses and relief

against your income they go show your work yeah well you're doing a callback on a giggly squad episode well page and i were talking about yeah in class when someone says the teacher says show your work you freak out and that's how I feel as an adult they're like show you work and you're like I don't even know how I got here okay also but you know they don't know if you had a kid and stuff like you have to let them know like in terms of your your dependence and all that kind of stuff when I had my first job they were like oh here's a W9 so I'm like reading it through and something was like do you want to pay like state taxes or do you not want to pay state taxes and I was like I don't want to pay state taxes.

It wasn't a question about your opinion. I clicked the don't. So fast forward, I got a call for my account it like months later and he's like, you didn't pay state tax this year. And I was like, oh. I didn't want to. And he's like, you owe thousands of dollars. And I was like, why?

And they were like, why did you click that? And I was like, I don't even remember clicking anything, but they probably were like, would you rather not pay state tax? And I was like, no. So the next thing, you forgot the next thing we said, well, then move to Florida. This is the most fucked up thing of being adult. They go, okay, to live, you have to get a job. And then to make money for yourself.

But then once you make that money, you have to give a third of it or more back. Yeah. And then you're like, hmm. Yeah. I mean, that's life. Death and taxes, guaranteed. But then if you're lucky enough to be able to afford to buy a house, then you have to pay property tax on that too.

I mean, there's taxes on everything. Yep. You know, so that part of adulting is accepting that. And we don't talk about politics, but obviously it's one of the big political issues. Taxation, but we don't talk about it. No, taxation without representation. Also, can we just quickly say,

because we've both bought a house in our life, that mortgage applications are unbelievably unnecessarily complicated. Like, they literally, need to know everything. Yeah. I definitely do feel bad for the people who have like

something weird happened to them as a kid where like a marijuana charge or something like that or like a drunk driving thing and you have a bad night or you have bad luck with the cops and then it's like

it affects so much of your government dealings. Yes. Because all they do is see those things. They don't understand the story behind it. What makes you think of that? Because like their moments

where they're like, have you ever been, you know, incarcerated, da, da, and you think, like, it could have been anyone. Oh, it definitely could have been me. I mean, I was lucky in that regard, you know, with the drinking and everything. You just, but that is, there's, there's a whole episode, a less, a less lighthearted episode to be done on the unfairness and randomness of life, but we were not going to get into that now. We're not going to get into it.

Well, we had a good one of the randomness of life. Yeah, no, yes, we did. But I, I met more on the, that was like the randomness of love. Yeah. taxes are so random taxes are so random like why do i have to pay um okay let's go let's go female hi um okay this one's for the girlies the women adults um we absolutely do not have time to have our periods when we're like above 28 29 like like 30 I'm 31 and I'm like

I do not have the time for this shit why I'm ready for menopause let's go I can't do this anymore love you guys bye I just thought that was so funny this is so real because Des imagine you're in some like chaotic

moment like imagine being overwhelmed and then go into the bathroom and wiping and just seeing a ton of blood and like your whole body is aching and you go what the fuck what the fuck And then if you don't have a tampon at that time, and then you have to become a little kid going around,

do they want to have a tampon? Can they want a tampon? And then it's like, no, and they have to use a pad, and then you have to walk around with a fucking diaper. Yeah, and then you have to be embarrassed about it for some reason. Yeah, and then you're bloated. You have to sheepishly ask somebody like, pss, you know, like, suddenly you turn into like a drug dealer.

A drug dealer. Hey, I need to talk to you. No, literally. I don't got a tampon. I'll get a tampon. I always joke that, like, yeah, there's so many companies that if they were run by women, they're just, be like tampons everywhere at all times

like to go walking to the meeting they just hand you tampons like good morning that have the company logo on it good morning I always say I walk into comedy green rooms and like I was like if all female comics were like if all comedy were women

it would just be tampons everywhere in the green room there'd be makeup they'd have powder so you know the way like obviously there's a string right at the end of the tampon but you know the way like a teabag has like at the end of the string there's like the grabber thing which is like Lipton that'd be a great advertising

like that'd be a great advertising space like to get a bit of fabric on the end of the string which advertises shit maybe but you don't want that like you don't want to feel that in your underwear it has to be like a nice like silk yeah silk

yeah like a silk or like even a some sort of fake you know fabric that's like soft well then they better give tampas out for free if they're going to be making money off ads Maybe that's a way of getting samples out for free. Oh, my God. Did we just solve everything?

Well, because actually, you know, even in the world of, you know, like people that are concerned about poverty, female issues are like a big thing that women cannot afford sanitary stuff. So actually. Or they just put an ad on the outside of the tampon, like, wrapper. Because it's not like you put it in and then like everyone sees the flag. Like it's not flying. this tampon is brought to you this tampon is brought to you by

Pete's deli the only people seeing it are the person putting in the tampon Pete's deli oh my god we're so stupid but when I realize more as an adult is less about the actual bleeding and more of the like

the cycle that is I always say there's really only one week that you're like feel superhuman and then the rest of the week suck the week before your period you feel like everyone is trying to attack you you want to punch a wall you feel scared you get into your head about everything you're like

what is the purpose of life and then and you have to be then you have to be aware of it and talk yourself down and be like the world isn't you know closing it on you you're just PMSing then you're when you stop PMSing you're like oh this is great oh no now I'm bleeding and my ovaries are throbbing and then after that you have a pretty good week but then it kind of starts over again It starts over. Yeah, so it's like you really have about eight days that you feel okay. Yeah, man. And then you're trying, and then you have to like fully function.

But yeah, I mean, with sports, with women's sports, it's not ideal. It's not ideal. And they tried to draw attention to that at one stage, but then that quickly got sort of, that quickly disappeared. Well, I guess, think about like I was watching a documentary about the woman's cup. Imagine like your top star, like, is day two of her period, the day of like the biggest game of woman's cup you can't tell me she's performing at her highest level but like how so here's the thing at least 20% of the time in interviews with somebody who's lost a female sports person should be saying yeah what do you want me to do i'm fucking i'm day two yeah you know but they don't yeah if nidal's

like yeah my fucking hamstring was tight i'd be like yeah my pussy was throbbing yeah like listen man heavy flow today heavy flow white's a vagina what do want me to do i think we need to normalize that I remember, yeah, once I was in college and I were playing Duke and it was like a big deal and they were airing it online. My parents sent it to everyone to watch and I walked on court and I got my period that day. I couldn't move my legs. Like, my legs felt like a hundred pounds each and I like, and they were like, what happened out there? And I was like embarrassed to be like, it was like, so sad. It's unfortunate that women can't bring it up more.

Maybe it should. here we go hi hannah and des love the pod um the worst thing about being an adult is having to figure out what the fuck you're going to eat every single week for the rest of your life like the fact that every single week i have to sit down and say hmm what do i want to eat this week what am i going to buy at the grocery store what am i going to make that i'm not going to hate that i'm actually going to want to eat, and especially living alone and thinking, I'm probably going to have to eat this for a couple days. I just don't have a mental bandwidth to think about the fact that this is something every single week I have to think about. Like, just feed me. Just find me

someone that's going to feed me, something delicious, something healthy, and then we'll move on. But the idea of this every single week for the rest of my life is disgusting. No, it's exhausting. It's a lot. And we're naughty with it. We'll get a lot of overeats. Yeah, we are. It's not, it's not economical, you know, we don't have any kids, so we're not budgeting hard. But, you know, it's always, it's always been a, it's always been a problem in my life. I've, I've eaten out and gotten delivery food or takeaway for, I'd say, 70% of my meals in adulthood. It's funny though, because when you're a kid, you wake up, somehow there's just cereal, always in the house. Yes. You have a little more cereal.

I've actually been good at, the one thing I've been good at is keeping my cereal stocked up in my cereal era. Serial oatmeal. And then you, and then you go to class and somehow either you'd get food at school or a mom put it in a, a little baggie. Then at night, I mean, my mom was great.

She always had a different pasta every night. Pasta with broccoli, pasta with beans, pasta with sausage, just a different pasta. And then we'd get ice cream at night. It was so fun. fun and easy. Yeah. So it can be daunting. Now I'm meeting fucking enchiladas for breakfast.

It's not just about, it's not just about adulting, but like singlehood, it's always weird with the food. Like portions are just not made for single people. You're so right. So that adds to the stress of eating because it's like,

what am I going to make for myself? Yeah. My mom would be like, you should really get groceries and cook for yourself. I'm like, when you live alone, when there's a recipe, it's never just for one person. And then it's like,

oh, you cook it and you have leftovers. But she also said, it is like you can decide oh i want to eat this all week and plan it out but the day of you're always like i would rather puke than eat this like split pea soup that i bought yeah and i'm not going to torture myself i only live one life i'm getting tacos now all for so much of my 20s and 30s i would always say you know i'm gonna i love stew big fan of stew big fan of irish stew beef stew any type of casserole really so i kept saying to myself i'm gonna figure out how to make like an awesome pot and then you have that for like ages right more you know you leave it for

a day or two it only gets nicer yep and i never did it but i do think if i'm giving somebody who's listening right now advice that that is that is a good skill to have that i wish i had actually stuck with learning i do think that when you're single that is this pod is definitely us questioning if we were to have a kid would we suddenly get all these like adult feelings like would i be like okay i'm gonna cook a big casserole because i need to feed the kids and you and me or you cooking it because we're you know a very even household because i feel like with kids you you end up you're like i'm not going to buy enchiladas on uberies for my my four-year-old right now spend that on them you very quickly go like no i'll spend that on myself i could see

myself becoming an adult because i if you're like take care of this person I'm more likely to take care of them the right way than take care of myself the right way. Like, you know, like your kid will get out of bed and you're like, oh, I'll make their bed. I don't even make my bed, if I'll make their bed. Yeah. So maybe that's what it is.

Maybe what's your kids, you become an adult. For you to make the bed of your child, when they get out of bed, you have to wake up before them, which is not going to happen. Well, you are. So I'm going to have to make their bed. That's basically what you're talking about.

You better learn how to fucking fold those. Well, listen, the bad news is, listen, as we joked before, you know, you want to have a kid, it's a 50-50 chance that they're going to be like a problem, whatever. But all that aside, all that aside, there is definitely a 50-50 chance that they're going to have my body clock, my circadian rhythm. Okay, then you guys can wake up early together. And that's going to be a problem for you. No, because guess who's going to be awake?

I understand, but it's not always going to work. out that way. Somebody's going to be a way, like there's going to be a time where you're going to have to wake up to the tune of a bishop body clock. Jesse, don't fucking bother me until 10 a.m., okay?

They fucking play with your toys. Yeah, and see what you wake up to then. See what you wake. Fix yourself some eggs. Make mom some eggs. See what you wake up to when your kid has said four bowls of raisin bread and then they're on the toilet for three days.

Like a dog that just, you walk getting to ate all the chocolate on the floor. That's not like. And you're like, okay, we have to go to the hospital. You said that somebody doesn't have any kids. Parents right now are going, like a dog? No, like a kid. That's what kids do.

It's not like a dog. It's like a kid. Look, I'm going to be like an 80s parent. I'm going to be like, hey, figure it out. Go play outside. Oh, yeah. I'm fine with that. Because they actually say that it's better when your kids grow up more independently.

They're actually better at adulting in their future than if they're helicopter parents. So whenever someone called me. Yeah, except the problem was that I wasn't helicopter parented. I couldn't have had more independence as a child, and I wasn't, I'm not good at the adult thing. All right, let's go through a few more. How are we doing for time there, love? We have about seven more minutes.

Oh, wow, we've got to get through a few of these. We really haven't actually, uh, all right, here's one for Hannah. Something about being an adult that no one talks about is how fast your trash fills up. Like, I feel like I'll put in a trash bag in my trash can, turn away for five minutes, and look back and it's full again. Like, how did that happen? I honestly wish what Taylor Swift said, the trash. takes itself out. Like, I wish it did because I feel like I'm spending half my life taking the

trash out. Yes. This is a loaded one. Well, it's not loaded. It was sent in, but obviously you struggle with the, you're not great with the, but I'm not, I'm not bringing it up in relation to like, oh, Hannah's not great at taking it to the trash. I'm just bringing it up because it is a thing. Humans notice. Like, oh my God. Like, this really like a lot of garbage. Well, yeah, we also have a kind of like, it's, we have a smaller garbage. And then you can't fill it all the way to the top because then it doesn't fit in the garbage shoot. Yes. So we can only fit our small garbage up to half and then we have to take it out.

Yes. And it's a whole thing. And then for us to... I know, but the thing is that when you don't do that, then you have to take it all the way downstairs and then all the way to the back. Mm-hmm. So the convenience of filling it to the top is all you're doing is delaying what's now going to be a more difficult process of getting the garbage out. I feel like when you're younger, you're like, oh, I can't wait to like make some money and be able to, like buy things. And then when you're older and you realize when you buy things, it just becomes

trash or just extra stuff that weighs on you and actually stresses you out more. And I am very pro the minimalist lifestyle. Yes. And I'm a big fan of trying to minimize the amount of trash so that you don't have these issues. But it can be hard. Well, we try to like, it requires a real effort. We try to not do dishes by, you know, just doing takeout and eating out the take-up stuff. But then you have a lot of take-out trash. It's just, no, it's so, it's so, it's so true. And then sometimes the trash is heavy. Sometimes the trash leaks. It's very scary.

Yeah, the trash causes you a lot of anxiety. It does cause me. Your heart rate's going up again. No. Your heart rate's going up again. And then when you take it out and then or someone took it out and then you go to throw out trash and you realize someone didn't put a trash bag in. Oh my God.

When there's no trash bag. Oh my God. What are you? That's funny. That's so funny because I totally identify. It's like. who didn't put the trash back back now I have to do it it feels like when you're in the bathroom and then you go to wipe your butt

and you realize someone didn't replace the toilet paper oh my god but it's funny but we we don't fight about any other stuff except sometimes the trash he gets mad because i'll just like start loading up a ton of trash in the corner and he's like you have to bring it down which that's not for women to do no but i i only get annoyed because you fill it to the point where we can't use the shoot and it's that just to me is that doesn't make any sense. Yeah. But that's,

it's fine. It's not caused any real attention. No divorce. In our relationship. All right. Let's get a couple more here. Hi, besties. I would say the worst part about being an adult is that I am always either buying toilet

paper or paper towels every week. No matter what, if I buy one, I come home. I feel good about myself. The other one is out. And I just can't bring myself to auto order it from Amazon. so I'm just stuck in this cycle that I created, and I feel like no one prepared me for that. Thank you.

Also, how do you clean a dishwasher? Because I just found out I'm supposed to be doing that. That's why I left this thing, because I know there's a repeat, right? But you do have to clean the dishwasher. But doesn't it clean itself? No, because like the stuff builds up on the filters. You have to clean the filters. Also, I'm surprised no one's brought up laundry yet.

Oh, they have. Okay. Let's go there. because I'm stressed about laundry all the time. Hi, Hannah and Dez. Hannah, you are hilarious. I'm obsessed with you. I think that the worst part about being an adult is just the never-ending laundry.

I guess chores in general, too. Like, right when you cross one thing off your to-do list, you just have a million more things to do and it never ends. and specifically laundry no matter how much you do laundry it's never ever going to be done because you have to clothes you're wearing and then those will need to be washed whatever it is it just never ends and that's the worst part about being an adult

no she's so right that's so fucking real like you'll finish your laundry and then be like where are those like favorite jeans that I love and you realize like oh that's the one thing I forgot to wash because they were on the ground or you have your chair that is like all the like half worn stuff that starts to build.

And then folding laundry. Well, okay. Okay. That's, it feels like hiking to me. Like you, you finally do the clothes and you're like, I'm done, right?

And it's like, no, you have to go all the way down the hill and you have to fold all the clothes and put it back in your drawers. I'm guilty of I'll do laundry and then I'm like, okay, here's my clean pile. Yeah, and then what happens

is like half the shit ends up getting confused with dirty stuff. And then you actually end up washing stuff that was cleaned. Yeah. So my biggest fear is, is not having clean underwear so I many times

have just gone on Amazon for $12 and bought the six pair of black granny panties and that's my subscribe and save I have absolutely purchased underwear and socks more socks because obviously you know that I go commando to literally deal with this thing that we're talking about but I have often bought socks

Was that how the commanding started? I've been like packing to go somewhere and just realize like I haven't done laundry and I'm just like, it's fine, I'll buy socks. Yeah. Is that why you go commando because you don't want to do laundry? Yeah, I thought we talked about that recently. I didn't know it was the laundry thing.

Well, yeah, because Chris asked me about that. So, honestly, a lot of it just has to do it. Like, I just don't have to worry about that. Yeah. You know? And the problem is, now that you're 48, you've accumulated so many socks. And then when you go from Ireland to America, you don't. I have unmatching socks in both countries.

I can't find one matching socks. So that's also. So, like, that's true adulthood is the sock situation. Honestly, I would throw down to say that I am in the top ten of America of unmatched socks. And we did get a life hack previously about just buy the same kind of socks all the time. We had that. Have a brand of sock. But I would like to point out one of the great things about getting older is you don't give a fuck about wearing unmatching socks.

You know, I have a weird, uh, sensatory issue where like I need my socks to feel the same. both feet. So I'll wear different colors, but it can't be like different thickness. Really? It can't be different like too small or it has to feel the same or like it my whole day feels off. That's a new thing that I've learned about you. I can, I'm just happy to have fabric on my foot.

No, when I was little like, you know that one line, like if the line wasn't perfect and if it went a little under my foot, I would be like freak out, take my shoe off. Like I wear the Delta socks. In fact, to be honest, the Delta socks. that you used to get. You don't actually get them anymore, but the Delta socks that you used to get, like they're purple and kind of navy or purple and black?

Yes, yeah. I wore them as dress socks. I wore them as dress socks. Yeah. And nobody was like, oh, are you a Delta diamond? Nobody said that. You know, Delta should do tampons. Oh, my God.

Okay, one more. This is also on the medical front, but it has, even if it seems repetitive, they'll be part of it that's new. Okay, here we go. Hi, Hannah and Des. I literally love you both so much. Giggler and Burner Film Person here. All right, I'm going to get right into it. I would say the hardest thing about becoming an adult. This is coming from a almost to be 26 year old female. Um, basically it's just the amount of admin that you have to do and remember not even on a day to day basis, but like on a month to month basis, like especially with rent, making sure that like all of your appointments are scheduled. And then not only that, you also have to just like remember pretty much. everything and there's no one there to help you. Like I have to remember like what medication I'm on and I can never remember that. I just know I have to take it every day. And then like some like I'll

ask my doctor, would be like what medication are you on? And I'm like, I don't know. And then they look at me like I'm crazy. But it's really hard to remember all of these things. Also, when you do go to the doctor and you do have to fill out all of your freaking medical history of like, did your great grandmother have like any type? Like how am I supposed to know that? That's way too hard for me. And it's, I struggle. I love you guys so much. Okay. I'm out of time. Bye. Love you. In a past life, did you have cataracts? Like, I don't fucking know. No, this is so real because, you know, we're all trying to like, you know, live our dreams, be successful.

But, like, we also have to upkeep all this stuff. Like, you have to be hydrated. You have to have a good social life. You have to, you know, have a whole social media presence. Plus, you have to make sure that you're up on all your. Have you forgotten to talk there? And they're like, when did your last get a tetan shot? You're like, what?

What? Have you been, have you been vaccinated for hepatitis B? Like what? I'm like, what is hepatitis? What the fuck is that? Yeah, but you're supposed to know that, you know? That's very, that is very much like the transition from, from your parents looking after you to you. Yeah.

There will be, like, you didn't even probably realize that you had like a vaccination schedule. Yeah, no clue. And like, I would love just like one portal where we all, that's the thing. I think technology hasn't evolved to it. We're like, we all have one portal. where we click in and it says like these are the things

you do for your life and then you check it off and you don't have to talk to anyone on the phone yeah and then you have to like remember dates like oh oh actually what about like

a mortgage mortgage application like how long have you been employed it's like I don't fucking know the date my favorite is when was the last time we got your period I'm like I don't fucking know really that was a few weeks ago

I know but you don't like actually remember oh right I do have a period tracking app now but like with that it's very difficult and they'll ask it to you like and you're like, I'm just trying to survive day to day. So, yeah, there's a lot of things we have to remember just to function.

If anyone's feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. Hold my hand. We're in this together. Thank you guys so much for calling in. This was a great episode. We love you guys so much. And maybe we'll all get better. Maybe by next year we'll all have throw pillows and be like.

Let's all be better. How about that? Let's all just get better at being adults. Or not. Maybe that's like the secret to life is staying. close to your inner child and not doing your taxes. There's nothing wrong with embracing your inner child, but it's also, it's nice to not be overwhelmed

by the responsibilities of adulthood. Yeah, it's just like there's a fear that you could get arrested if you like forget a document. Let's just be more overwhelmed with being adults. Let's embrace the fact that we are adults. Let's have the correct amount of whelm for being an adult. Also, everyone's like, why does he keep say adult like that? Oh, that's just the fact that people learn how to speak English in different places, okay?

That's just an accent thing. That's a beautiful thing. Thank you guys for calling in. We love you so much. Any plugs? All your shows, Anna Burner.com. All my shows, which aren't even up there because I've mostly just been canceling shows. And obviously, if you haven't watched this special yet, watch my special.

Watch it. We love you guys. Bye. Like and subscribe on my YouTube channel. Bye. Oh, also I'm on Snapchat now. Hey,