Berner Phone - Berner Phone #30: Your "Dial"emmas

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

The dialers are getting some major "dial"emmas off their chest this week. We cover everything from awkward family situations to open relationships and debating if you should having kids.  10% off cookware at hexclad.com/BERN $5 off at lumedeodorant.com with code BERN

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little medium, large, medium rare dialers? We have a very special episode today. We're bringing back dilemmas. It's dilemmas. When we did the original dilemmas,

dilemma, dilemma, there was that whole thing. When we did the original one, somebody had messaged in saying, how did you miss the opportunity to call it dilemmas, as in like little dial or dial? And I thought, oh my God, that is so great because that is like literally a segment. And I remember saying to you at the time,

if we ever do dilemmas again, it should be this, the dilemma. So this is a dilemma segment. This is a dilemma segment. We're so excited because you know what? Life is full of dilemmas. Well, we had a lot of them, man, and a real broad, a lot of relationship ones, obviously, but a real broad spectrum of them.

But before we do, do you have any updates about your life that you would like to share? I have a dilemma. I'm in Saginaw, Michigan right now, which I've never been to before. But tomorrow I'm seeing my niece, Lois, so I'm very excited. But I'm also upset because I'm not with you, and I'm not going to see you for a whole month, and you're in a whole other country, because you have to get surgery for you later. So I'm in Ireland As it turns out, I was supposed to come tomorrow

But I had to come early for a funeral So you might want to take back the You want to take back the criticism there I came back for a funeral of my second family That's funny because you always The Gigglers always joke about my second family Which is of course a joke That I actually kind of do have a second family

In that the Gibneys Were my cousins who sort of like half raised me so it's not a second family as in like I don't have a wife and children but I do have my cousins Mick and Joe who kind of raised me they are like my second parents and sadly Mick passed away last week

so as Hannah knows I love talking about death we will not be talking about death but shout out to Mick who's up there in the sky so that's that's where I that's why I'm back a couple of days earlier but yes surgery next Tuesday and thank you to numerous little dialers actually who have message to say

that they are part of the ACL reconstruction crew, and they've been giving me words of encouragement, words of encouragement about my upcoming ACL reconstruction. Like, the dialers are a wealth of information. They really are. I felt like one dialer was shaming me because a message came in saying, I recently had ACL reconstruction, so I feel your pain. I hobbled into Had a Show in Denver, and I was like, oh, wait a minute, I didn't go to

the show, I didn't perform because it happened the day before. Some girl was like, I ripped both. my ACLs. I toured both of them and I went to the show. I made it. She made it to the show. So anyway, but you did, you said before we started that you wanted to talk about the J-Lo documentary. Oh yeah, because I haven't talked about it anywhere yet. And I actually haven't finished it. But J-Lo, I have to apologize to J-Lo because I was making fun of her earlier for putting out, she's putting out an album, a movie that she financed for $20 million and a documentary all. in one month. And I'm just like, what's going on? As a girl who like overworks, I'm like,

what are we running from? Like, what are we overcompensating for? Like, I've been there. I know how it feels. I mean, not to that extent, but like, it's not always healthy. I turn on the documentary because it's obviously my favorite thing to do is watch documentaries. And I've never seen her this raw or vulnerable. Because I watched her super bowl documentary. And, you know, she's classic Jay Lowe. She's holding her rhinestone Stanley Cup. she's you know boston people around she's incredible she's gorgeous she's perfect and she's showing her relationship with ben like no makeup multiple times like just crying showing her closest people around her talking about her family and then part of me was like damn like is she

exposing her personal life just for like more attention or like for clicks but then she even become self-aware of that where she has people telling her like when it how much attention is enough attention like even jane fonda called her and was like why are you always posting about your relationship and why are you guys always in the media kissing like what what's actually happening there so i think she's at a point where she's she's going through a little dilemma and she's deciding that she wants to just like put out her most raw authentic self to the public And Ben is very open being like I don't know why she's doing this It's called The Greatest Love Story Never Told

And he was like, it was the greatest love story never told Because we never told it So like he's like I don't like her being so open with the media But it's like if you marry a pirate But you don't like the water Or something So this is a document This is a documentary with them

Talking about not being public In public Is it? Yeah it's a documentary about her deciding that that's not a dilemma that's like a fucking contradiction yeah it's crazy so it's her documenting her financing this movie about her life and she's like I never told people about this stuff before um but it's just I think it's crazy and I've always been fascinated by people who were like so rich so successful

it looks like all their dreams came true um and there was a moment where she was crying and she was just like, I'll never be good enough. And she basically was like, and my dad never loved me, so I don't feel like I'm ever good enough for a man. And I was like, holy fuck, that was raw. Wow. Well, there you go. It's always, you know, Rosebud, you know, Citizen Kane.

So much great art is about the unquenchable thirst of validation and how there's, whatever you think the peak is, wherever you're trying to get to. that will give you the satisfaction. Every time you get to the peak, you see another peak. Seeing someone like J-Lo straight up be like, I always need to be with a man because I never loved myself. So I needed that validation. And just her struggling to love herself.

And it's from an external perspective, you're like, you're fucking J-Lo. Like, there's so many things that are incredible about you. But it just makes you realize everyone's dealing with their own dilemmas. Everyone's dealing with their own demons And here's the truth Do you take from that Inspiration or is that Is it a cautionary tale

That you'll never be satisfied That's a great question I took it as a cautionary tale That no matter what you accomplish It doesn't equate to happiness That definitely is not an A plus B equals C situation But also Something beautiful about like your art

coming from a real place and how at the end of the day she's her happiest when she's creating authentic art and not pretending to be someone else. But she's, and again, it's her just in the middle of her crazy journey. And part of me felt like I shouldn't be seeing this. Like, you don't have to show people this. Like, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Um, so I also was in between where I'm like, but then, and then you're like, JLo, just retire and be happy with your man. but it's like clearly she wants to keep creating and being an artist and performing. But the question is, is it a healthy work ethic or is it like chasing something you're never going to get? Well, I think she crossed the line where she feels like she has to make her life also her public persona,

like that she has to share every aspect of her life because it feeds the machine and she feels like she needs the machine to keep her operation going. And I feel like that's beyond just art and creation and loving work. That is about, that is like a, I would say, a dysfunctional need for validation, which obviously she's dealing with in it, but it's a contradiction because she's telling everybody about it. Yes, no, you're so right. There was that weird feeling of like voyeurism of like, but we're giving you what you said you don't want to chase anymore, but you're getting from this. but she also talks about how yeah like her sister was prettier or like more talented but she's like

but I'll work harder to prove that I could be good enough for everyone and you know everyone can feel that moment where they're like if I'm better people will like me but she kept saying like at the end of the day she's like none of the external stuff is going to help until I just like feel comfortable with myself but do you feel comfortable with yourself when more people like you is it the chicken and the egg but well the reality is she has to step away from it because I think it's almost like addiction, right? For sure. And the problem is that until you step away from it

and become truly comfortable with yourself, regardless, you'll never find it in that. But come on, we're not going to sort J-Lo out today. No, for sure. I do have to say, though, Ben was very interesting because Ben basically says, you know how they were supposed to get married and they called off the wedding like three days before?

He said the reason for it was because of the press and the external pressure they were getting on their relationship because their relationship was so public. So he's like, so why we're doing this again? So anyway, that was just a fascinating tale and interesting to see celebrity dilemmas. But let's get to some real fucking dilemmas. Let's get on the ground floor of the dialers.

Let's get on the ground floor. We got some great dilemmas here. We've got some great dilemmas. Let's go to the list. Let's go to the videotape. All right. Let's, oh, let's start with this. This is a serious dilemma, and I got some advice on this from our lesbian correspondence that live in my house.

Hold on. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. I literally just had to pause Giggly Squad to reply to this prompt. But my dilemma is that I am in a relationship with another girl, and it's been two years now, and we're kind of open, kind of not. We just kind of approve the people that we have. hook up with and we have very open communication

but no feelings strictly sex but I have a big fat crush on this girl in my class and she is also single and I think she's into me do I tell my girlfriend that I have a crush

or do I just like play out the crush and then just flirt like what do I do? This is so above our pay grade it is but it just so happened it just so happened as I was reading this downstairs was Bella who lives with me

and her girlfriend and they are actually in a they're in a very deep they're in the infatuation phase are they open no no but Bella has been in the past but anyway let's not to this isn't about they didn't ask for their lives to be shared but but I did share I did share this dilemma with them but i want to hear i want to hear you oh gosh i want to hear our take first well your take

because i i've been tarnished by uh by the this is a very unexperienced not coming from the right place take because i've never been in an open relationship yeah but it's okay because they shared it knowing that it was going to be our take they know that we're two straight people that are married yeah we're so lame when you say it like that so boring um it's i the first thing she said when she said we get to approve people I immediately was like do you purposely pick people that you think they're not going to like fall in love with

so you're like kind of like if they're too pretty you're like no and like things don't you could a lot of relations start off not having feelings and then that you get feelings and like feelings are also something that you can't control and if you're not allowed to have crushes

then by the rules it sounds like you're cheating girl But also, you are allowed to have crushes in normal relationships. You can have a fun crush. No, you're allowed to have a crush, but that's not what this is. This is, she has a crush and she wants to fuck around with her. But she knows that to do that, she has to be honest about the fact that this isn't the normal situation.

This is somebody who I have feelings for, which is a breach of contract. That's actually, the first thing Bella said was, the first thing Bella said was, you're admitting straight away that you do have feelings. so that's a breach of contract. That's the first note I got from the lesbians. Bella put the fucking foot down. But she wasn't totally just mental. But I do want to add that before I consulted

with the lesbian correspondence in my house, my first take on this was that she said we're sort of in an open relationship. Now, we can't check, but to me that suggested that there's a hesitancy coming from somewhere, from someone, sort of in an open relationship. You know, it suggests

a lack of clarity and in previous I had a previous lesbian correspondent couple who said they were in an open relationship but then they went for marriage counseling and it turned out in marriage counseling that one of them was not comfortable with the open relationship at all and only one of them was actually indulging in the openness and the other one was just increasingly getting bitter

about the fact that the other one was always messing around so it sounds to me like even if she decides what she's going to do with this crush she needs to clarify what a sort of open relationship is because I feel like just checking with each other suggests that there's just something not 100% clear about their situation. Yeah, it does come down to the communication

of like what is the purpose of this open relationship what do we want out of it? Are we comfortable with it? And I do think like check-ins are important because people evolve, people change. It's like a job. Like you like it the first three months and you're like, fuck this job.

I thought it would be fun and it's stupid. So I think it's like you should have often check-ins like how are we how do we feel It's hard as a straight girl because I feel like for us if we are like oh I want to hook up with someone else It's normally emotional for me because if I just want to like orgasm with not my person Then it's like just masturbate because like most of the time someone else you have to train them it takes forever where girls, it's very different. They don't have that, yeah, they don't have that issue. Yeah, and I've had other lesbian friends who have dealt with the same thing.

They're an open relationship and they go, oh, shit, I kind of like this one girl I just hooked up with. And I'm like, yeah, because you're literally dating. So my other take, my other take from this that I took from the actual message was that, so she, it sounds to me like she's pondering, lying about how she feels about this other girl. So my feeling is she wants to go and get approval under false pretenses, right? So straight away, that's dishonesty. So you know that, you know, that's going to be, that's going to be the beginning of dishonesty in your relationship, which is that's always a relationship breaker, you know? But what Bella said was when she was open, she found if she started to actually get feelings for somebody else.

in the openness, that that was actually the first sign that there's a problem in my relationship. Wow. So I'm just throwing, I'm just passing on what she said. I'm not, this isn't a judgment. Bella's smart and Bella is speaking from her own experiences, which is very, very valid. I'm having trouble because I think people who like open relationships, like really like hookups that don't have emotion where like if I'm, if I don't have like emotion towards them, don't want to hook up with them so that's where i'm like hitting a block emotionally with it mentally

um so i'm having a lot of dilemmas in my own head right now but it is valid where like if you start gaining interest in someone else you can start losing interest in someone else so that can also happen or you could have multiple crushes or every time you meet someone you don't really know them and you don't know if you really like them she could also like hook up with this girl once and be like actually I don't like her. Yeah, so I'm assuming that she partially thinks that like she wants to give it a world because that might happen. But I do think because they're in an open relationship, right?

You can't be greedy. You can't be open, but then also cheat. So you have an open relationship. So be honest. Do you know what I mean? Like don't be fucking greedy. Be honest with your partner and say, listen, I want to be with this girl, but I have to tell you that I think I have a bit of a crush on her.

And if your partner is not comfortable, then you can't do it because at the end of the day, that's your contract and you have this nice thing where you guys can fuck around a little bit without any issues once you consult so stick to the contract and be honest I think you should be honest and say you have a crush but I think you have to respect if your partner says well then I'm not cool with it yeah because I think the consulting takes like the naughtiness out of it where like if you're doing it in secret it feels like you're cheating but if you're like do you prove this person I'm going to go from this time to this time thank you it's like a communal effort and it's less like, ooh, I'm being sneaky.

But I also want to point out that that was what Bell said, but I'm not making a judgment that you have a problem in your original relationship. So I'm just saying that. And by the way, you haven't actually been with this girl. So I don't think you've actually gotten to the phase where that would be true. Yeah. And it was a great dilemma. I also, sorry, one more thing.

I do. Because open relationships are quite fascinating to me. I do think if you have feelings for someone else You're starting to get feelings for someone else And then you don't want to hang out with that other person I guess that's the problem That like when you start getting feelings and and you like I don't know it's like you can't have too many side chicks

Yeah I mean I think we've dealt with that one well Yeah Oh yes this one's crazy this is this is like a dilemma I've never been aware of in my life Hi Hannah and Dez. Giggler here. So my current dilemma is with my sister. First and back story, I've basically always wanted to be a mom. It's like my dream. And me and my husband are turning 30 this year and we're finally at a place where we think this could be the right time, even though what's the right time. But we're thinking about starting soon. However, my sister, who had previously been trying for two years, is now currently pregnant. And I asked her if she'd be okay if I got pregnant at the same time as her. And she'd was like um well and i'm like okay so that's a no and she also told me she talked to her friend about it and they were both like what is she not going to let you have your time and this basically crushed me and it made me not even want to try anymore my husband is like who cares but i know

that it's really going to affect me and my happiness while i'm pregnant and so i just really don't know what to do am i in the wrong for wanting to try while she's pregnant please help okay love you both Bye. This shock me. What in the flying? What is going on? I, I, first of all, I never knew that was a thing. My initial reaction, if somebody said to me, like, is it cool to get pregnant as the same time as your sister, I would have thought that's the best time to get pregnant because your kids are going to be the same age.

Yeah, they're treating it like a wedding. Like, I'm getting married on the state. You can't get married on this date. This is crazy to me because, yeah, Paige and I are purposely. trying to wait so we have kids at the same time so our kids can be friends or date and get married if they want oh thanks thanks thanks for letting me know that's great i'm glad i'm finding out on the pod that page is involved in our kid times in our baby planning no this is i do also have to say me and you both do not have sisters we have brothers it's a different relationship i know the

sister relationship can be very complex and i don't know if this girl is necessarily asking like if it's wrong of her sister. She's saying regardless, the fact that it's hurting her sister's feelings is affecting her. My thing is, I'm surprised she asked. I wouldn't have asked.

Yeah, I mean, I'm going to throw down my take because her sister went and asked her friends and now you're asking us. Fuck that. You get pregnant when you want to get pregnant. She'll fucking deal with it. That's insane.

You know what? You know me? I'm usually cautious. That's fucking crazy. That's, Some other shit. Yeah, that's insane. Nothing to do.

Nothing to do with you. That's some other shit. Like, what? Because you're going to get just as much attention as her? Like, being pregnant, like, isn't your, like, special time? I mean, it's, it's your own, in terms of your relationship, it's special. But, like, it's not, like, unique, like, you're supposed to wait to then have your experience. This is not an infinite amount of time.

Also, it's nine fucking months. Nah, I'm sorry. You do you. Oh, and then once, once she has a kid, you're not, like, how long? long into her having the kid are you allowed to have your own kid that you like this is insane it's insane not to mention she you know she she was never now i understand she was trying to get pregnant before you but like i'm pretty sure she wouldn't have been checking with you about whether it's cool to get pregnant or not like i this isn't like a limitless thing we have a biological clock and like you

can't just wait around for your sister to be okay with you to start your family i think it's nuts also what if you did say okay sister i'm not going to get pregnant and then then you accidentally get pregnant. Like, what is she going to do? Make you abort the baby? Like, what the fuck is going on? Honestly, yeah, it has nothing to do with your sister, actually. I mean, it's nice that you have the conversation.

It's fucking weird that she said that. I would almost doubt that she even checked with her friends. Plus, check with your friends about advice. It's not, they're not an objective source because the friends aren't going to be like, you're out of your fucking mind. Your friends are going to, like, agree with her. I don't even think she talked to her friends. Yeah, but we all have that friend who, like,

brings up some family drama and you're just you're trying to enjoy a freaking brunch and you're like yeah yeah you're right like fuck that yeah nobody yeah nobody wants to be in the middle of brunch being told like actually you're the asshole to be honest you're the asshole like i'm supporting my friend do your thing but then to go back to your sister and like guilt trip your sister like she has a bunch of people behind her supporting her also i i'm interested for what like the parents think like the parents i'm interested i'm interested but um i wonder this is this is This is clearly not the first time. The sister has probably done something like this.

It's probably a pattern. And you're being so, so, so, so fucking sweet for considering her. But this isn't your wedding. This isn't a bachelorette party. Like, this is, we're past that. You guys are living two separate adult lives starting your own families. And, like, God forbid you wait too long for her. And then, like, life is too short.

Yeah, and you don't even know. You don't even know if you're going to get pregnant. You fucking start now. Yeah. You don't even know when it's going to happen. Exactly. You start. Exactly.

Do your life. That's ridiculous. That is some weird shit right there. I'm sorry if we're being too harsh. No, but I think we, this, look, they want our advice and we're giving our fucking advice. Yeah, don't, like, but you know what's so sad about this? Is that she's sitting there, it's her dream to be a mom. Yeah.

It's her fucking dream. And her dream has now been shattered. It's insane. Get your dream back. In a positive note, maybe this is because your sister recently found out. on a high she's really excited and she'll get used to it in a couple weeks and by the time you get pregnant she'll be fine everyone be fine also it's like look her in the eye and be like wouldn't it be cool if we had kids like the same age the same grade they could do play dates together

they could do homework together we could get babysitters at the same time like i i don't know we're missing something or like i can't believe she wore white to the bachelorette that's the type of situation not i can't believe she got pregnant as the same time as me i've never heard of this anyway i never well that's why it's a great that's why i was very excited about it so best of luck day four i want day 14 i want him fucking inseminating you girl it's also like you're not at her baby shower announcing your pregnancy like this is just two separate lives like i understand respecting people's like special times but you're good you're Gucci so it's never too to actually become an adult and treat yourself to things adults should have, such as cookware.

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Here's a, here's a, here's a, a, a dilemma that Hannah's going to love, but you're going have a strong opinion. Hi, Des and Hannah. Love the pod. Love the way that does says, she's you. Um, my current dilemma is I am currently spending a lot of time hooking up with and laughing and talking with this guy who I know is not like my person for the future because he would be my literal.

and I would have to take care of him and all this stuff, but he's an incredible hookup and hilarious. And while I really want a life partner, I just feel like it's just not something that can be rushed. And so I feel like I'm not in a rush to get there. But I don't know. I go back and forth between whether I'm like wasting my time with this guy or I'm just like enjoying my time with him. And it's like, okay, as long as like I'm upfront and honest. Like if we're being real, like he probably likes me, but he does know that, like, there's no future and this is just for fun. So do you think I can keep seeing him or do I have to let him go? So I have a lot of thoughts on this.

I know what you think I'm going to say, and I will say it, but I'm also going to say something different. Okay. Can you tell we spend too much time together? So, first of all, I do believe, like, you shouldn't waste time in relationships. Like, if you know it's not right, move on. However, I do believe. And that's what I thought you were going to do.

However, what I'm going to say that you didn't think I was going to say is that there are people who are right for you for a specific time in your life. Like there's a time where you're like really focused on your career and you're like this like or even like some marriages. People be like, oh, why did I fucking marry that guy? And it's like because he was right for you at that time. But this doesn't necessarily feel like that. This feels like I always say with relationships, whatever was a problem in the beginning that you're like, I can. can overlook or it might evolve and change that's what you ultimately break up over and she already said it one she's not sure how much how serious he's into it and two she has to babysit him

four years from now that's going to be the same conversation you're going to be having with your friends so like it's just a matter of what you what problems what dilemmas you want in your life because no relationship's perfect there's two layers to this dilemma uh one uh she's not sure if she's wasting her time but two she's not even sure if uh like she's into him it's kind of weird well i think also he she's not even sure how much he's into her which is a fun little game to play where you're like i don't like him but i don't know if he fully likes me so i need to stay in this to make him like me and that's like it's just she knows deep down this isn't what's right what my mature mom would say if i was talking her on the phone she'd be like lose his number

stop talking and stop responding to him. Why don't you find a guy who likes you and you don't have to take care of and is funny and is good in bed? And I'm like, okay, valid mature response, mom, but it's not that easy. Well, here's the thing. You can't fix a man.

So like, if you're seeing a guy and you go, there's things I like, but there's things that need to change, you can't do that. You're not going to change the guy. No, there's so many relationships. Oh, my God. You got to like the guy for what you're seeing.

I know people who like early on like he's great except he like smokes a little too much weed and I'm like oh it's kind of annoying she's like yeah but he'll grow out of it five years later I don't want to marry him because he smokes too much weed I'm like well you could have just listened to yourself in the very beginning instead of like fantasizing about like him transforming men are not transformers they're staying who they are I don't care how good of a fucking project manager you are yeah I mean I feel like it's always tough to advise on these because there's clearly some relationships where you were always kind of like,

I don't know, and then you get more comfortable with each other, and they turn out to be awesome relationships. So I don't like to always give the advice of getting out. But in this situation, it sounds like the sex is fucking awesome, and that's kind of part of why she doesn't want to leave. So what I suggest is do all the shit you ever want it to do sexually

and then get out. And at the end of the day, if you just miss them too much and you guys end up back together, great, but just, you know, use them for everything you can. got and then get out and see how you feel i mean maybe maybe i'm a fucking loser but like i feel like you would enjoy the sex more if it was with someone you like really felt a really strong connection with but also sex is also hot when you're like does he like me do i like him what game are we playing like i get that but also i always go back to if you're asking you know the answer so i think she

knows and then finally i think i'm a little triggered by this because my biggest thing is i'm not a caretaker like I'm not doing your laundry I'm not babysitting you and she literally called him a baby some people actually like like that they enjoy taking care of someone so if that's something you like then that that's cool for me I mean this guy wouldn't even be interested in me because first day he'd be like oh she's not capable and she won't do this so like I'm speaking from my own lens and my perspective and my triggers so are you ready for the kids one this is a double I want to play two. Okay. I'm going to play two. Here's the first one. Okay. Getting right into it. My dilemma is it's 2024. Are we living this kidless life or not? Like, are we living into the guilt of everybody

telling you that you have to have fucking kids to be fulfilled in life? Because I'll be honest. I've been married for three years. I'm 27. I love the fuck out of my husband. And we love our life. We're doing very well financially and we love our jobs and we have two dogs and we can travel around. We just went to Europe. We finally had our wedding after three years in Ireland. Shout out Des and his second family in Ireland. But like the biggest dilemma is like are we fucking having kids? Is it okay to not have kids? I don't know. Thanks, guys. Okay. Now, that's wonderful. Now, let me throw this one in on top of it, okay? I feel like you're making this biased, but continue. No, it's not, it's not biased. I'm just saying these are connected, so I want to play them together. Hi, Hannah and

Des, love you guys. So my current dilemma is if I want kids. I've always loved kids. I've always seen myself as a mom, but I've been a nanny for many years now, and kids are becoming bigger assholes. They will straight up tell you no when you tell them to do something, something I didn't even know was an option as a child out of fear of getting an ass weapon, but kids today will threaten to call their parents on their iPads or whatever if you even piss them off in the slightest. So I don't know why kids today are so soft. I can only imagine they will get worse by the time I'm ready to have kids, so I don't know. anyways love you guys oh my god now other than that other than the advocacy of corporate punishment

i i i just thought they they went well together no you're right i mean it's it's not it's not much about kids being soft but what it is about is that like when you see how fucking annoying kids can be and you're suddenly at that phase where you're thinking about having kids you got to factor all that in so here's two dilemmas what are your what's your take i just keep laughing at the idea of like kids nowadays have iPads that they can call their mom at any time to complain like that's crazy because you know when you're like you're at school and like things are going awry and you're just like I want my mom guess what your mom's not here right now and you're just like and I guess it helps you grow so anyway this is a new fear that I didn't anticipate um I'm not going to be that

helpful with this because guess what bitch is going through the exact same dilemma as the first girl as in I feel like especially for women our lives have changed so much from like two generations ago where like my nana at 18 she wanted to go to art school her dad said no she has to get married she got married she supported her husband

the whole time and she lived a nice life my mom went to college and has a great career and then it goes to me where I'm like I'm that was just a guarantee that I was going to go to college and try to have a good career am I thinking of family the same as my nana did?

It's natural that I don't. And it's like women are fighting so hard to get all these, you know, rights while also having the same perspective on family is a difficult thing. So when I've fully become empowered, does that include a family? And I don't know. Well, that's a deep dilemma because there's the insinuation that having children is disempowering. Yes, I just said some wild shit.

And I just listened to actually Amy Schumer. But no, but I think that's a valid, I think it's like a valid concern. Well, it's a valid concern, not that it's not, because I just listened to Amy Schumer actually on Not Skinny but Fats Pod. I was very interested because I love Amy Schumer and Not Skiy Not Fatt. And they said, they were talking about how Not Skiy Not Fatt when she had a kid, her career got better.

and Amy was trying to say like she went on tour while she was pregnant because she thought once she had a kid that her career would go south and she wouldn't be able to keep up so she was like acting crazy when she was pregnant trying to get as much put out a special documentary J-Lo status

but she was like but it doesn't slow you down your life just changes and when people say that your life changes thing it's unknown and you're like but what do you mean by change what do you mean yes so well I think there's a lot I think there's like a fear that some natural maternal instincts take over

and it changes your ambition, you know? But the reality is that I feel, and this goes for men and women, I feel that like your priorities changing make sense when they do. It's just when you think of it in the pre-children mindset, it seems crazy,

but it makes sense when your priorities do change. I do have to say, I was a single mom the last three days. I was watching Abby, our foster dog. and love her to death it was hard work it was it was raining outside nine o'clock i had to get up out of my cozy you know couch rotting and walk this dog outside she didn't want to poop i was worried she had a pooped all day and this is all new stress that i didn't have to deal with in my life before i took her on another walk because she didn't poop at like midnight i'm tired i have

stuff to do the next day abby's not pooping i mean i almost had a mental break so i mean the truth is that you're basically just admitting that you're not ready to have kids because kids are there's so much more than than what abby needs but you know what it is what i was trying to say is like two generations ago it's not a question that we should have kids that's what the purpose of a woman is now the purpose of a woman has become so complex and now like there's no rules to life so we're like we've been breaking all these traditional rules of women in life what do we do with the family stuff but i do think because rules are changing we also have men who are not just going to be at the office all day

and then like make me dinner and things have evolved in that way where it's much more of like a co-parenting situation you're going to take care of the kids is what I'm saying well I mean all joking aside what the second person was saying is also very true not so much about kids are like more annoying now but just that like it's a different world some kids suck

well some kids suck you know like you get lucky or unlucky You're more worried about me that our kids are going to suck. I know our kids will be sarcastic and loud and maybe a little naughty, but I think they're going to be awesome. Also, environment does affect how your kids are. I understand. But all I'm saying is that there were two very valid dilemmas that these people have. And my final take is that if you decide not to have kids,

it's going to be fine but also I don't think fear of your kids turning out to be like annoying whatever generation that that group of kids is going to be I don't think that's a good reason not to have kids you want to have kids you have them you know because actually how they're going to be

and how you well how they're going to be by the way is kind of like up in the air but how you raise them is your decision so actually you have a little more control than you're suggesting because you're nannying children that are being raised by other people but you'll be raising your own kids yeah and you and those kids will be making some other nanny miserable yeah

and you'll tolerate them saying no to you probably more because you're like you're too fucking cute you're part of me yeah but we're obviously been thinking about this a lot of time even the girl who's 27 like one thing people have always told me is like wait some would argue you've waited too long um but they said wait and she's 27 is still you know quite young in terms of like when you could have kids and i think also there's a lot of times where things happen in your life where maybe like you're in between careers or like you've been traveling a lot

and you actually want to slow things down. Like something can happen where people do think, oh, this is when I would have a kid. But that girl did make a good point. There's never really like a right time. Actually, that was the previous girl that said that. There's never really like a perfect time. But just don't wait for your sister to give you permission.

No, I know we don't share personal stuff very often, but can I share my my epiphany? Yeah. My epiphany about having kids was because you said, you just said there'll be a time where you'll know and I was actually being stretchered off the mountain. I was lying on a stretcher, being stretched off the mountain, like lying in like the mummy position,

completely powerless, just like at the mercy of these, you know, these Colorado guys. And I was like, you know what? think I think I'm ready to have a kid because in my mind I you know even though I'm I'm older but I always like I always like was really into the concept of freedom and also almost kind of like you know it's like a cheat code right like a life hack is like hey you don't have to have kids you know that was kind of like a thing that like I had in my head of like hey we could just do it this way you know but suddenly I was on the thing I was like ah what am I trying not to have kids

for I can't everything I try to do is I'm breaking down you know so like so I've lost skiing now You know, so I might as well have a kid. You had this idea of like, I lose freedom with kids and I have this idea of like I lose my career with kids. So like we both have this concept that we think we might lose, that we might actually not lose or like things just change in a different way. I think we just had an epiphany. That we're going to have a kid?

No, but just that. No, I actually thought that was quite an astute observation you just made about the two different ways that we perceive children in terms of negativity. Yes, we both have, like, different reasons while we're hesitating. But also, yesterday, I did an Orange Theory class, and the woman was pregnant, and she was, like, teaching the class. She was the trainer, and she was a badass, and she was, like, yelling at us, and it was so funny, and she looked so cute.

And Grace turned to me, who I made come to the class with me. It was like, oh, I can't wait for you to get pregnant. And there was, like, a moment where, like, she was really powerful and cool, and I was just, like, yeah, like, I could see myself do my own thing, but, like, happen to have some fun babies and just adding. to the party. Oh, I guess we're getting pregnant tonight. I guess we're going to get, well, that'll be hard.

That'll be hard. The problem with Des not getting pregnant is we've never, we're never with each other physically. We're never together. Yeah, and half the time I have, half the time I have like a brace or some sort of weird apparatus. Yeah, we have to do some turkey based or shit or IVF before it becomes illegal.

Yeah, your man fucking coming into the bedroom on crutches and a knee brace just doesn't fucking, doesn't moisten up your loins, you know? if you can hear your husband fucking hobbling into the room before he gets there it's like oh here we go baby sexy time baby let's go to another one hi Hannah

how would you go about dealing with a friends with benefits that now they're in a relationship but they still want to be friends but now I don't have the benefits so what am I doing? Oh babe a dilemma oh this is difficult so he's saying I didn't know that was a guy

They were friends with benefits, and now the person just wanted to be friends. No, but the friends with benefits now has a relationship. Oh. So is it an open relationship? Right. Let me listen again, because I need to, I want to make sure, because I only read that originally. Hold on. I think this is an easy dilemma, but go ahead.

Yeah, because you don't want to be friends. You want to be friends with benefits. and I feel like you're always like you're getting teased and I just think like to have a real but the problem is I feel like a lot of friends

people you're also like attracted to them a little if it is a gay relationship like same sex it's like and they can be friends with a lot of people it's difficult it's complicated actually yeah I mean that you're making an assumption that it's gay

I'm not going to leave you hanging I was making assumption that it's gay too but yes or no is that's irrelevant what is important to me is number one it's kind of hurtful right that it's like we were just friends of benefits but now I've met some other guy that's worthy of more than that

but yet I still want to keep I still want to keep the plutonic connection with you it's kind of like well what the fuck was wrong with me like you know so it sounds like this person also had feelings and also it's one of those if you got to ask if it's a dilemma delete them out of your life

I think it'd be hard for you honestly I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with your your ex friend with benefit wanting to remain friends but I just think it'd be hard for you and I also think that I don't know how much acknowledgement

there is from the original friends with benefits that like it's kind of you would feel a little rejected like I would think yeah like I mean I get it friends with benefits is like it's also kind of an unsaid contract right which is like no attachments but i always feel like friends with benefits usually

finishes when one of the other catches feelings and they say i can't continue this way i'm very unaware or or not that familiar with friends with benefits that end because somebody meets somebody else is like how to fuck is this immediately a relationship and we never were yeah so it's basically like they were like i'm looking for a relationship but not with you so when you're around them you could feel kind of bad about yourself and we don't love that kind of energy however if they're like part of your friend group like that's totally fine it's just when they want to hang out one-on-one it's like no you want to hang out one-on-one with someone who could potentially like fulfill you in a different way so like that's another part of like boundaries with your time don't let this person have their cake and eat it too they chose someone they want to be with them now you need to find someone for you if you want that yeah and you know we don't know how much the the new partner of the ex-friends with benefits is comfortable with that i would say maybe you know if if you end up in a relationship yourself, that that would be a time, a better time to explore friendship. Of course, like all this advice, if you end up exploring friendship with your ex-friend

with benefit, and it works out great. But, you know, I would think it's going to be tough. And I certainly understand why you would message in because I think that's, it's like a hurtful, it's a hurtful situation and could be difficult to deal with. So thanks. That was good. This is interesting. It's an interesting dynamic. Not one that you ever will have to deal with. So my mother-in-law stayed with us this past week and we're in a little bit of a financial hole because my fiance got surgery in November and she offered us $5,000 as a gift to help us out. But after staying with us for a week in our home, she decided that the way that we live is too

rich for her blood. She told us that the butter that we buy is too expensive. I just want to We do not live beyond our means. We are doing our best out here, you know? But this is also the woman that told me that getting my dog cremated would be a waste of money. So, I don't know, $5,000 would be a huge help, but I also want to tell her to shove it up her ass. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do. Oh, this is awesome. This is amazing. Okay. I'm currently good.

Googling, how much is dog cremation? Because I just want to understand the... Okay, it's like up to $300. Well, yeah, so there's two pricings on it. If you decide to get the ashes back, it's more expensive. That sounds like a Ponzi scheme. Well, no, you can have a communal cremation when you don't get the ashes. And a bunch of dogs get cremated.

Or you can have a single cremation and then you get the ashes. So that's more expensive. but you know what it is that's what i guess like if you're getting the help then the mom is like okay if i'm going to help you now i i have some opinions on how you got to this place um so it's kind of like if you receive the help you get in this awkward place where you can't be like well shut the fuck up now well yeah because you know what it is you're inviting that control back in because that's always a thing right it's like you get independence from your parents it's a moment in time You know, they're married, right?

So they're living their life. And she sounds like a bit of, you know, like she sounds like a stereotypical mother-in-law getting involved in their business. You know, I mean, she's not specifically doing anything wrong. But at the end of the day, like how they live their life is none of her business. And even if she loaned them or gave them $5,000, it still wouldn't be her business. But of course, she would think it's her business. So this is a great dilemma because at the end of the day, I would say, take the fucking 5,000

and then still tell her to go fuck herself because that's that's even, that's a better shove it up your ass than telling her to shove her 5,000 up her ass. You know, you should just tell her to shove her empty wallet up her ass after you've taken her money. If she pisses you off that. Now, I know that sounds aggressive.

I know you're joking, but it actually is good boundaries because if you let this $5,000 mean that now she gets to like have opinions and overstep for the rest of your life, like that's going to be fucking intolerable so it's like i mean i don't think you should tell her to shut the fuck up um but after this you should probably now you know that she's going to try to reach take a little more than

she you know like just there's a messy line in the sand happening i also think you should ask her if she wants to be cremated yeah that's it be like why don't we'd not cremate you and save money there. Sorry, I have a sick mind. That's all right. I was at a cremation yesterday. I'm good. Yeah, you're good.

I'm solid with the cremation jokes. But anyway, I do think also mother-in-laws, I've never dealt with one, but this is a common thing. And I think it's like she cares about you guys. And it's an anxiety of like she hasn't been keeping an eye on your finances. So she's, at the end of she is trying to help. She's just going about it. Like, I don't think butter is.

is going to be a make or break in your guys, like, if you're going to go broke or not. Yeah, I think personally that her giving you the money, and this is a crisis situation, right? And a lot of parents in their children's adult life may end up at a time where it's good parenting to financially assist their children, right? So it's kind of like it's nice that she would do that, but it also doesn't mean that you guys should feel overly indebted. It also was her son surgery. It's not like she asked for the money. It's like the son hurt himself. Yeah, but it's also, it's just like you shouldn't,

you should take the money, but you shouldn't feel like she then has a right to have a say. And you're like, she probably will because people will have their opinions, but you have every right to just ignore it, bite your lip, you know, just like don't fucking react. But at the end of the day, it's not. Should they try to pay her back long term to like really or no?

You get in the money eventually anyway. that's what I say you're allowed to get 14 grand a year tax free I you know I think it's I think honestly I think it's it's no big deal I think that like your your mother-in-law's probably going to have her opinions but I don't think you should absorb finance I understand how you want to keep that delineation but I don't think at this time in your life you should take on the financial stress to save yourself from your annoying mother-in-law yeah I think you'll be able to tolerate and financial stress but I But I think what you're feeling is valid, though.

People get really weird with money and it's deep and it's complicated and, you know, it doesn't matter how much money you have, you could be really fucking stingy and get upset when people are spending too much. Like, money is fucking difficult. Well, we're cursing a lot at this pod, but it's, it's very, it's very, it's fun. Okay, but I do think that with the mom, um, lending the money, it's like, I don't know. It's, it's nice of her and she clearly has a, kind of personality that she's going to be worried about you but know that you have many years for your career to improve for you to make more money and you're not going to be in this financial

place forever and can i just point out that i have a great mother-in-law uh she does listen to the pod but i'm not just saying that because she listens to the pod but it is fun to have the stereotypical mother-in-law because i will never have like my mother-in-law so annoying stories which i feel like it's very important to have with your friends so just be grateful because i will never be able to send a message into a podcast being like my mother-in-law is so annoying she comes over to my apartment and fucking cleans because myself and my wife are fucking slabs she comes over she cleans she gives my wife good advice she's fun to talk to we actually have a lot in common uh what are i what am i what am i going to do what what what should i do wait can i please tell a mother-in-law joke for

this girl and I can't give the joke. I don't know. It's just a family joke we've been saying for a long time and it's definitely from somewhere. This is not my joke. I just don't know where it's from. It's a joke joke like a street joke. Yeah, it's a street joke about mother-in-law's, you appreciate it. Try to think of this whenever your mother-in-law's annoying you regardless of what situation you're in with your mother-in-law.

So this guy wanted to join the FBI and him and two other guys had to apply to be the FBI. So they did a bunch of trials and they got to the last trial and they were like, okay, for us to know if we really trust you, we have to know that you'll do anything for the FBI and you're going to be trustworthy in any situation. This last thing we need you to do is go into that room and kill your mother-in-law. There's a gun, just shoot her. So the first guy

goes in, it's kind of quiet. He comes back and he's like, I'm sorry, I can't do this. The next guy goes in, you hear a little chatter, comes back out and he goes, I can't. I can't. I can't. I I can't shoot my mother-in-law. The last guy goes in, suddenly there's, like, banging, there's screaming, there's, like, glass breaking. He comes out. He goes, someone put a blank in the gun. I had a strangler.

I mean, I've heard it before, but there you go. Let's go with somebody that needs a lift, okay? Hi. This is not something I usually would do, but I'm sort of... in a crisis in that my boyfriend of six years broke up with me in kind of a really cruel sort of heartless way. And so now I'm having a little bit of like a midlife, I would say, where I just am feeling a little bit like who am I outside of that? relationship that was like actually pretty good yeah i don't know i just feel really sad and i just

don't really totally know what to do so i just um i'm talking to you guys um in the middle of the night uh in a moment of desperation i love love you guys oh we fucking love you i know we love you i felt i felt the sadness. I felt it. Everyone knows that time where like it really feels dark. You're scared of your future. You miss your past and you're just like what is there for me? I love a breakup. I think breakups are amazing. I like to consider breakups as like

when you leave a job. You always get the next job. You always have a better job. It's better for you. You know what you want and it's higher paying. And I really feel like breakups are always leveling up. Six years is a long fucking time, and you're definitely, like, in a lifestyle pattern of this person being a huge part of your life. And breakups, it's always hard, and hopefully him doing it in a shitty way helps you move on even easier, knowing, like, how he handled it. And she said the relationship was pretty good, so that's a loaded statement. We don't know what that meant, but it means it wasn't perfect.

and I'm excited for you to figure out who you are a la J-Lo and love yourself and I'm excited for your future because for all we know he was holding your ass back fuck that dude yeah yeah but I also I just want to acknowledge that this is so fucking painful like yeah this is like the toughest time I want to remind you that like more than 50% of the great songs that were ever written were written the way you are feeling right now this is like one of the most visceral experiences that you will ever have as a human and it

fucking sucks. It sucks to the point where people need to like write fucking poetry. They need to find a way to fucking express this pain so I feel for you 100%. But the one thing I will say is that every fucking song that

was ever written, every poem every fucking you know film script that was written about this heartache was all written by people who got over it and got on with their lives and you are going to be fine and it's so annoying when people say time is a great healer but you will get over it

but I'm just glad that you shared it with us and I hope that you get a lift from this and it won't get better straight away so like there's no easy fix but you know just just know yeah thanks for sharing this mood that you called us in

it's never going to be stagnant your brain the molecules the world is changing every day for new things to happen. When you're ready and you're excited to meet someone new, listen to our episode about Meet Cutes because you never know when you can meet someone new. But also right now, it's like every day, it's going to feel different and it's going to evolve.

Just like stay focused that you're going to be okay. And feel your feelings, feel sad, surround yourself with your girlfriends, other people, your family who fucking know you, who love you, who are there for you. Like this is, and does saying, Like this is where people create incredible art. It's because you are like an open wound and try to just like don't avoid it and know that it's natural and it's okay.

And this is one of this is part of existing is heartbreak. I did, uh, I did always find in times, not just of intense break, but just like tough times in my life, uh, these visceral moments like loss, not just breakups, but, you know, uh, bereavements and stuff. I have always found that like writing like diary type. don't have to, it doesn't have to be a doubt, but journaling has always helped me. It may not be a thing for you, but I have always found that, and at these deep moments that journaling has helped me. And it also is like a way to like kind of like verbalize or get on a paper, actually things that might make sense for yourself. Because like, it's always great to talk to other people, but sometimes you actually like learn something about yourself from like talking to yourself

about what's going on. Yeah. And sometimes when you're just like spiraling alone, you start like really believing wild shit and when you write it down you're like okay that's a crazy thing to say when you write it down and you look at it yeah it changes perspective you do actually some practical advice just like i guess uh you know like nLP type stuff but like getting lost in your thoughts is actually kind of dangerous especially at moments like this so it is good to sort of when you find yourself uh spiraling thought wise to actually try to actively break away from your thinking it can be hard but it does it does help because you know your thoughts you know induce emotion and you can to a degree help yourself from getting too deep into it and also she's at this

point where she's she seems a little still in shock where like she's probably going to sleep at night thinking like where were the signs what went wrong what could I have done differently so this is a very like strange time in your life where you feel like you just got like you just bumped your head and you're like where the hell am i and what's going on but this is a very strange time in your life but this is when like you transform into the next version of you that is stronger and smarter and like has this like like cool scar on you to like evolve and I do have to say with your thoughts it's very easy in relationships to look back with rose colored glasses and when you're thinking about it you just think of all these like positive things and you start telling yourself stories about how great it is

really try to think of the times that it fucking sucked and you did not want to be there and you weren't being treated the way you want to be treated or you didn't feel like your best self try not to trick yourself into like memorializing it like it was some like fantasy if it most likely wasn't all right can i give a bit of advice that a wise person gave me recently uh you know if you're a big wordle person and you share your wordle with your friend and then they get a better one than you if you share your world with your friend you're actually giving them an advantage because most people start with the same word so they will be able to see what letters you got on the first word even though it's blank they'll see oh she got a green there she normally

starts with slate uh so all i'm saying is don't share your wordle with your friend until the at like until 1159 p.m. does this have anything to do with the breakup no no it has that was finished that was finished i was listening like this is going to have something to do with the break up oh no sorry sorry no this was literally sorry that was over you also don't know what words your friend starts with a lot of people do i'm just saying there's a potential advantage well thank you for that last piece of wordal advice out of nowhere oh sorry yeah it's terrible i'm so distracted now because aiden is at the door he doesn't have a key uh fry is barking so i feel terrible you guys you want to actually do you want to take us out properly

I'll take you out. I'm going to excuse myself. Okay, you guys, thank you so much for calling in. Leave a review if you're enjoying the pod. I'm having, we'll have just been in Saginaw. I'm going to be in Gary, Indiana, and a bunch new shows. I added to the website. Go watch Des this special, and we love you guys so much.

Bye. Hey, hey.