Berner Phone - Berner Phone #33: Being Toxic

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

We asked the dialers to share the most toxic thing they've ever done and they definitely delivered. Some were genius, some were petty, and some were borderline illegal but we enjoyed nonetheless! 50% off at factormeals.com/bern50 20% off at AthenaClub.com with code BERN 40% off and free towels at TryMiracle.com/BERN

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. Exciting times here. Exciting times here in the Bernard Bishop household. Even though we're not in the same household right now. No, but the virtual household.

The cloud. The cloud that we reside in. It's a fluffy, beautiful cloud that we reside on. Yes, so calm and just gorgeous all the time. Do you know Paige is coming over in a couple hours to give me a fake tan? Oh, you're going to do a fake tan for the special? Yeah, but Paige has been giving her own fake tans that are like very subtle and natural looking and I love how they looked and she was like, I'll do it for you.

And I was like, you're like busy. like you're not going to come over at night to like also like we barely hug she's about to like put tan all over my body wow you're gonna get a rub down from page you're gonna get a happy ending you're gonna get a happy ending from page that's that that's the new that's the new giggly squad tv show page and hannah's happy ending we're gonna start only fans of us trying to give each other tans yeah like i'm nervous i feel like we're gonna go to third base she'll have the glove on though oh yeah the glove Okay, that makes it better. Because I was like,

I don't know if our friendship can withstand this kind of intimacy. It's just, this is, this is just the sisterhood. So girls do it, sleepovers. Women looking after women, you know. And you're going to smell like that fucking fake tan, though, but I won't be around. Yeah. Also, it's not about how I smell.

It's all just about how I look on a screen. It's all about how you look. Exactly. So anyway, yeah, next time you guys hear from me, I'm going to be super relaxed because I'm going to have shot my special. It's Thursday afternoon, New York time Just to give a sense of time and place Just to give a sense of the imminence

Of this big event coming up in your life So yeah, tomorrow morning I get on a flight to go to D.C. I have a show at Silver Springs And then that night we're driving like an hour and a half to Philly Wake up and then by 2 p.m. at the venue Get my hair done, shake and bake, makeup done. We got an outfit last night. It's all coming together.

this is an entirely untoxic situation that we're talking about here yes it's funny i don't know why i thought of this prompt i kind of just wanted to like laugh and i feel like the little dialers were going to crush it with this the question is you wanted to laugh so he's like what's the most toxic thing you've ever done yeah i think toxicity is hilarious i'm a leo so i'm not toxic i'm loyal and you know love myself too much love attention attention, of course, but you're a Scorpio. And you know what Scorpio's are known for? Being toxic.

And not believing anything. You're not believing in this nonsense? It's very Scorpio of you. Yeah, very Scorpio of me. But I put it very general because I'm like toxic. Like you could be toxic at work. You could be toxic in romantic relationships. You could be toxic in friendships.

Being toxic is basically being like I'm going to be the villain. because I feel like it. I guess that's... But this is a nice compliment to the... We did the most petty thing in the past. This is an escalation of a previous prom. Yes, yes. This is next level.

This is next level. Well, we hope. And oh, by the way, this is very exciting episode for us because we had some technical difficulties with the Telby. So Grace has actually gone through and picked today's.

So neither you. You or I have heard these before. So this is, these are, these are very random for us. Yeah, you can't do your little intro where you say why you like, you chose this one. Yes, exactly. This is entirely out of my control, which as a Scorpio is very difficult to deal with. No, that's not Scorpio. No.

That's more Virgoes aren't controlling. Virgoes are more controlling. Interesting. Yes. Interesting. Well, Scorpio's, they're taking notes to cross people's names off list later. I guess I'm just controlling that I can. It's not a Scorpio thing.

You're not like, oh, no. No, sorry. When you're talking in a relationship and you say you're controlling, it comes across the wrong way. No, I just, I, maybe like control freak in the more like lighthearted way rather than the he's very controlling. I don't mean like that. Oh, God.

What I mean is like I like picking the prompts and now we don't have them, which is it's exciting. Look, your one joy in life is picking the prom. and we've taken it away from you, so you're spiraling a little bit, but... Well, will we just, will we get into it? Do you think the little dialers are capable of true toxicity? Well, you know what it is?

Toxicity is a spectrum, right? So what's largely going to happen here is not only we're going to hear toxic stuff, but we're going to be able to judge people on why they thought it was toxic or perhaps being like, wow, this person is sick, you know? We're going to, there's definitely going to be a chart. All right, well, since I'm just looking at titles here, I'm going to start with MySpace gay. We can have fun with Grace's props here.

Here we go. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Love you both. Longtime giggler. Longtime dialer. So the most toxic thing I've ever done when I was about 20 years old, my first boyfriend broke up with me in such a horrible way.

So the idiot had decided to give me all of his passwords when we were dating to his MySpace, Facebook, the whole night. So I logged into his MySpace account, changed his password, and changed everything on his profile, pictures, his bio, to him being gay. And then I friend requested all these gay guys and drag queens. And when he found out that he was locked out and that it was changed, he freaked out, cried, called everybody trying to figure out what was going on. And he was super homophobic and sensitive, so it worked out great. All right, have a good one. That's toxic.

there's no debate i do love find the one thing he's scared of and make him face it and the fact that she did it because he's homophobic yes because at first i was like there was a me too me too i was like is this is this okay because at the beginning you're like is this person saying that being gay is bad but no actually what she's saying is that it would be bad for him right so kind of funny i mean i do think this is funny back in the day with my space like i remember the passwords or Facebook if you leave it open people would just write different statuses oh yes yeah i i had this like roommate becca from arkansas and whenever she'd it was like a rule that you can't like break into it but if they leave it open you're allowed to fuck with them so i kept i would

write stuff like wow i understand now why the north won the war they're so much better and like her friends would be her friends would be commenting like what question mark question mark because we were in Wisconsin and she was like can you stop doing civil war like comments on my Facebook wall did you used to leave videos on people's Facebook walls nah I was never because I was you know in already in in my mid 20s by the time Facebook came out so I wasn't like I wasn't being as silly Facebook started I think when I was 13 but by the time I was in college it was like fully strong and we would me and my friend would just like go to people's profiles and you could press video and you would just leave

videos of us being stupid on people's pages um so that footage is somewhere no that that's funny this was this was truly that was that was a good starting a bit of toxicity i do a follow questions i want to know if he if he knew that you did it i want to know if he realized he was actually gay and that's why he was homophobic before yeah i want to know if those gay guys that she added friend requested did they did they think he was hot is he together they're with one of them now? Are they honeymooning? Turns out he was gay all along. You saved his

life. You saved his life. All right, let's go with air tag and car. I dropped a apple air tag inside of like the body frame of his truck. No, but I guess

what people are saying is it's not always revenge. Sometimes it's just like you're being a little extreme maybe. She's crossing boundaries, but, like, this is some spy girl shit. Like, I love what the girls are taking advantage of technology to be, like, we're ahead of the game. I guess she assumed he was cheating on her, or she just, like, was wondering what was going on with him or something. I should put more air tags on, like, important things that I lose. I should use air tags more often, but it's pretty easy to track someone's car.

Yes. That's why I don't drive, so no one can track me. Actually, do you know what I found out? my mom has been following my location for like years now. Yeah, but we knew that recently. I was like, your mother still tracks you. But like I kind of like it because I fly so much and I think she gets stressed sometimes when I'm always flying so she can just check her phone to feel better and be like,

oh, she landed in Kentucky. I'm not stuck in the Atlantic Ocean. Yeah, but then when you're, when you're, we had a surprise party for your mother. Oh, yeah. You had to turn off your tracking on your phone to make sure that we didn't get caught. Yeah. I do have to say the technology nowadays makes everyone an FBI agent. That's why I say it's like murder is so much harder nowadays.

We're back then it was like, what are you going to do? I'm just going to say I didn't do it. Well, you know, there's also, there's the other argument then. Is it acceptable to do that, you know? Some people are like, you shouldn't have been tracking me. And then other people are like, well, you shouldn't be fucking going to that bitch's house. Yeah, I don't want to pick sides and I don't know what that man did. but it sounds like he deserved it.

Yeah, well, we'll just never know. It was very limited information. Let's go with dog shit, second family. Hi, Hannah, hi, does. Huge fan. So I found out my boyfriend, had been cheating on me, literally had a second fam. Oh, L, Des, but for real, had a second fam.

And so I packaged up my dog shit and mailed it to his apartment that he shared with his other girlfriend. So, yeah, that's pretty toxic, not just in the way of like being mentally toxic but also like obviously shit is literally toxic so yeah that's fun that's um i'm just why i'm not crazy okay bye that's uh that's right out of the like you know toxic uh vengeance 101 yeah like leaving poop on someone stoop and like lighting on fire or something yes or you light the bag on fire so that when somebody opens the door they

they put out the fire and they step in it yeah yeah genius see the reason why this was so impressive is I was like, how the fuck did she figure out how to mail something? Like, did you go to USBs? Like, that's the thing. If I have to do something toxic that involves me mailing something to you, the other person already won

because it already ruined my day that I had to go to USPS and figure out. Did she, was it her own poop? Well, you know, you can just go to a UPS drop-off. Oh, you've done this before? No, I've just, no, I've mailed things before. I don't have as much, I don't have as much mailing stress as you have.

No, immediately when she started talking about, I thought I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're going to go for fake deportation. Oh. I know. These titles are very exciting. Okay, so 2018, New York City, I was dating this French guy. And, you know, pretty fun, nothing too crazy.

And then a few months in, he tried ending with me. and mind you he was here illegally after a couple months and so i started giving my all of my friends his number so he started getting this influx of text for my friends saying like or they were just sending him the ice link and he was here illegally so he thought he was getting deported and he got all paranoid and he was he started like calling that mind you my number was still blocked. He's calling all my friends being like, who is this?

Who is this? That was a little toxic. It was a little toxic. I'm trying to understand toxic. I think toxic also was when like, the guy didn't technically do anything wrong, but you're still like, I'm going to be evil. Yeah, I mean, I would consider this petty.

This is not, this isn't really toxic. Like, bullying is toxic or like, you know, I would say petty, but worth it just for her to do his French accent. I actually, that French accent was good and also French people being mad. I feel like they like being mad. Okay, so toxic is very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. I don't really know what insidious means. Yeah, I guess, God, insidious would be hard to define.

You better look up insidious. I don't want to give a bad definition. treacherous crafty proceeding in a gradual subtle way but with harmful effects this was a touch of insidiousness the reason i feel like i don't do toxic things is because i'm literally so scared of karma like the second i do anything toxic to someone i'm like a piano's gonna fall on my head but i'm like that's a like that's my own craziness it's not because i'm a good person it's because i literally just don't want bad things to happen to me hey that's that's what karma's all about you know that's my religion that's karma and hell two things created out of thin

air to make people worried about what they do you know not to be deep what are you looking up now sorry grace is texting me something oh okay um all right i'm gonna go with i'm gonna go with terrorism oh jesus terrorism is the title hi hannah and does um i'm calling you from my boyfriend's bathroom because I have performance anxiety. Also, first time, long time. Love the pod. Love you guys. Anywho, the most toxic thing that I have ever done is report my ex-boyfriend, allegedly, for terrorism on LinkedIn, allegedly. Um, because, yeah, just blocking him on every form of social media wasn't enough. I had to see if the federal government could get involved. That's toxic.

I think she might have just admitted a crime. It's just fine, you know. Did she say she had blocked him like he was trying to reach out to her? No, I think this was just straight up just toxic revenge for what we don't know other than they broke up. I mean, we can't judge. I can't judge people on an episode where we were like, send it in, you know? But that is toxic. There's no way around it.

That's the type of thing that could, you know, negatively affect somebody's life. I do want to know what the actual follow-up of that is. You know, like, it's like clicking a button that's like call emergency. I'm like, does that actually call emergency? It adds to it that she's whispering in her now boyfriend's bathroom. You know, it just, it just, to me, to me it suggests that it's not the last that we'll see of this behavior. she's like she said it was performance anxiety but i think it's more like look this is the move that i do when the relationship is ending i feel like this next boyfriend's getting canceled too

i mean look relationships are patterns and she obviously is not because she's a woman but male serial killers that's a pattern or like you'll see these documentaries where it's like oh there was a murder but then also 10 years ago her wife his wife mysteriously disappeared and five years before that his girlfriend mysteriously got sick and died immediately. And you're like, okay, okay. I don't have to be a genius. I mean, that wouldn't have been the leap that I would have taken from this. But, you know, there's a lot of patterns between this and serial killing.

No, but you know what? The thing is about toxicness. And I think it's about relationships too. I always like to have healthy boundaries with stuff because once you break it, I feel like you've opened up a new kind of... I feel like relationships with fighting. Like I try to never call you like a really bad name because once I call you that,

then it's like, that's on the table and then it gets worse. Yes, it can escalate. It can escalate. So with toxic shit, it's like if you do that, then you're like, oh, then I'll fucking do this. I'll do that. So it is like, I'm not saying she's becoming a serial killer at all, but it is a gateway drug to more toxicity.

Yeah, and what I also need to know is did you feel any healing? Because like a lot of times you don't get what you think you're going to get you know what i mean yeah you know is so i thank you for sharing but i would suggest that uh the next breakup perhaps you know try to not deal with it with such venom but we also we cannot yuck people's yum when we told them to tell us their most toxic stuff so we're proud to you for raising awareness i like this one hi guys big fan of the pot and absolutely love the shift Burner phone is so light and fun, and I just love it. So the most toxic thing I've ever done when I was in college, this guy who wasn't even

my boyfriend, just the situation shit, but he had done something that I felt wrong with me. I don't even remember what he did, honestly. But I filled an envelope with super fine, like, nail glitter, like the finest glitter you can find, and a condom, like, in the wrapping. And for some reason, I, like, poked holes through the condo. with a needle. So, like, I thought the glitter would get in there, not that he would even open the kind of, but I put it all in the envelope and wrote, fuck you on the envelope, and then went to his dorm, somehow got it, even though I didn't have a key card for it, and stuck it

under his door, knocked, and just ran away. And then I figured when you'd open the envelope, glitter would go all over his room, and he would never be able to clean it up or vacuum it. and then he would just be confused why there was also a condomful of glitter. I'm not sure what my thought process was there. But I'm sure he honestly saw me, like, running down the hallway and running outside. But anyways, and I'm sure he knew it was from me, but that was just kind of something weird and toxic that I did. And I hope he got charged for having glitter in his carpet when he moved out. Oh, that was a long game.

These girls are special agents. The glitter thing was actually a trend for a bit. where it's like you could glitter bomb your enemies and there was like a company selling glitter bombs where it was like $10 and they just mail an envelope with glitter in it people would film it and stuff but they say glitter is you know the herpes of decor it gets everywhere right okay it's interesting that they don't use that more you know when these like environmental activists like throw paint on paintings or like they put like they put ketchup on somebody i'm surprised there's not more glitter bombing going i think because glitter's so happy

happy it makes it look stuff in the story. You know what I think they should do? They should glitter bomb like these politicians in Florida that are like so anti-gay. You know, like all these politicians that are homophobic, anti-LGBQ, they should start to get glitter bombed. Yeah. Just full of rainbow glitter and they can't get it out. They find it in their like belly button 10 years later. I love that so, so much. I wonder about these things if like it's your friend group too. I get too motivated because I could see like you know when you hang out with your friends and you're like that's a really fucking great idea and you're laughing and they think it's funny like I could see myself doing something like this if like my college friends but I wonder if these people are planning on their own or if they have people behind them being like yeah that's hilarious you should do it well you know you know it gives me like so much anxiety is you know these these friend groups that are just really into like pranking each other yeah like when you start to get into that one-upsmanship like that is that is that it's too stressful. No. Some of these pranks, like that jackass type shit. No, I don't like any of that stuff.

No thank you. Once my friends tried to prank me, like I went into my room and they're all like laughing. I'm like, what are you guys laughing about? And they just kept laughing. They're like, is there anything different about the room? And I was like, I don't know.

And like 10 minutes later, they were like, look up and they like had a photo of my face that they put on the ceiling. And they were like, you never notice anything. And I was like, that's not a good prank. That's not a good. Not like a prank, but like they were all thought it was like the funniest thing ever. I'm like, that was stupid. That was so bad.

And now I'm going to do a prank that's going to be like way too much. And then everyone was going to be mad at me. I thought you weren't toxic. Well, I feel like I was toxic like with my little brother. Yeah, everybody is. Because he would try to do something so annoying. And then I would, I was the older sister. So I'd want up him.

And then he'd tell my mom and then I'm in trouble. And I was like, you fucking started it. Here we go. Changing phone numbers. Okay. So the most toxic thing. that I have ever done was in college. I was a division one athlete, so couldn't help myself and I couldn't stay away from the football players. But one time I was talking to this guy and I knew

that it wasn't anything serious, but I did have a crush on him. And I think we were both talking to other people, but I didn't like that he was talking to other people. So anytime that we would drink with our friends, I would go into his phone and change the last one digit of any girl he was texting's phone number. And yeah, I thought it was fun and it made me sleep better at night. Like I said, I knew that nothing was going to happen. So I just wanted to honestly hurt his ego a little bit because college football players, man. Anyways, love you guys. That's the craziest thing I've ever in my life.

That's genius, man. That's genius. That's pre, that's pre like face ID. That's genius. Oh my God. We get a lot of D1 athletes listen to his pod.

Yeah. Well, a lot of Burning and Hell listeners connected over, you know, being all my tennis stories. I mean, maybe she's messaging before, and we don't always use them,

but I feel like every week there's somebody says, as a former D1 athlete. Like, you know what? Because we all have demons. We had a professional athlete last week. Yes. If you recall, or two weeks ago.

This is a D1 podcast. I do have to say, part of me was like feeling bad for like the girls that like might have really liked him and then they're like, oh, he ghosted me. But it is hilarious. But then you also don't want him to start hitting you up because no other girls responding because you've changed it. But I'm in college, college is so unserious. So that's hilarious because, yeah, like the football guy.

guys it was they had like harems and stuff um so that is like really funny also like what did he think you were doing when you were in his phone i i'd love to know like what happened like i i want to know did you ever find out yeah because it's only fun if you tell him one day or or true toxicity is never telling him yeah you know you know that girl that was sent sexting you with you know pictures of dildos um and then suddenly it just stopped My biggest thing with college was like it was all about underage getting into bars and it was very like, what's the strategy, who's fake ID, who knows who at the bar that could get us through the kitchen. And it honestly did always feel like we were FBI agents trying to break into a bank or something or a museum. Oh, it's pretty crazy.

In Ireland, intriguing age was 18, so we didn't have to do that. It's pretty crazy that American kids in college, they can vote, they can go to war. but they still can't get into a bar and there's the whole college is full of bars and like and they're literally drinking like we know they're drinking yeah why are we doing this it's so it's so weird yeah and then a lot of kids are just like 20 years old getting in trouble for drinking it's like basically it's this unknown rule that like your fake ID just has to be good enough which is stupid like who's making money off the fake ID industry then yeah well I'm not a fan of the 21 drinking age I think America has the highest drinking age in the world,

but I could be wrong on that. We don't have Chris to go to. It was stressful, too, because I decided to bleach my hair blonde without thinking, oh, I need to get an entirely new set of fake IDs. So, oh, the admin of that was a pain. That was my toxic thing when I would sneak my parents' liquor cabinet because my parents didn't drink, so we always, liquor cabinet was actually pretty full.

So I would take shit out of the liquor cabinet and then just fill it up with water. but they would never find out. No, I have... They would never drink it. I had friends who drank a whole thing of vodka and replaced it with water, but the parents came in the morning and there's like puke everywhere. They like never drank before.

Pug everywhere. Everyone's clearly hung over. It reeks of vodka. And they were like, what happened? So if you're going to fill it with water, you also have to not puke projectile all over the house and not clean it up. the old water trick let's try the six foot marker on door hi hannah hi does love the podcast also love giggly squad um regarding the most toxic thing i've ever done it's probably the time

i put a six foot notch at the doorway of my front door so that any men below that height are not allowed inside okay so hiatus so i this is so funny i would do this but i would raise the six footmark to like six three so guys who think they're six feet i'll be like no you're not wow didn't you start this pod by saying you're afraid to be toxic well this is funny this isn't oh this is a hypothetical yeah yeah i never did that oh sorry oh sorry i'm saying if i were to do this i would take it a step further and gaslight them to tell them they're lying and that they've been they someone told them they were six feet and they're not and they're five ten and they're to turn around

there is a guy on TikTok that goes around asking guys at the gym what their height is and then when they say it he goes okay can we measure you and then the guy tries the guy tries to get out of it every time he tries to get out of it

I don't know if it's like the specific kind of guys at the gym but like this guy it's just a normal dude being like okay can we measure you and they're like bro I'm in the middle of a workout right now bro like I have to I'm like I'm lifting a dumbbell right now he's like oh i got to go i don't want to be filmed i don't want to be filmed well it's hytism i i i don't

think that's toxic that's petty yeah you know but that's fine she just makes a beeping noise she goes beep can't go in beep you haven't passed security beep you have to take your shoes off beep did you do the lines in your house did you do the i think we did yeah i thought they were going to say something like that where he like scratched a six foot line and she changed it. My parents scratched the lines into the wood. When did your younger brother surpass you? I don't know. We all have a decent height, so it was never like a thing. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't have a runt of the litter, so to say.

No, there was no sense of height envy in the house. Yeah. Everybody was... You guys, it's not about how big your body is. It's about how big your heart is. Should we remind people of your Giggly Squad moment when we just met back in the catty daddy day? Oh, my God, I was thinking of that, yes. You got mad at me. Well, I was, you know, because it's just, you know what it was? I was like, oh, she's a little, I just, I just met you once. And I was like, oh, little, little cocky, little cocky.

You guys, I was like, so cocky. I go on a date with this guy. And then immediately that night, I think I'm doing my Giggly Squad live. And you, but I don't know if it was that night, but it was definitely soon after. and you had told me all about these giggly squads, the lives, the insta lives. And we were calling you catty daddy. And all I said was, look, he says he's six three, but he's six two and a half. I just know, like I know.

No, you, oh, eh, you did not say six two and a half. I said six two. He said, he said, I know six three. He's not six three. You know, he's six two. I know six three. Yes. I did say that.

And you never called me out on it until much later. Well, you know, because I was like, you know what? I'm not going to. I got annoyed. I got annoyed for a second because I was like, oh, what, like, what, I was actually, like, thinking, like, what a fucking, what a dick. And then I was just like, you know what, though, it's a performance. I'm not going to let it annoy me. But I was just like, oh, look at her trying to, you know, trying to look cool in front of her friends.

From that moment on, you knew what you signed up for. I never pretended. But I also knew. I also knew that I was 6.3. So I was like, all right, whatever. But you know what? There's something about you. Get the fucking measure.

tape out you do present shorter in like photos i don't know what it is if it's like if it's like your hair like i don't know what it is why people think maybe it's because you're very um proportional maybe that's it like you don't have like insanely crazy long legs um yeah all i know is that when i did dancing with the stars with uh julia my partner our our our wrists weren't that different in height but by the time you got to our shoulders the difference was immense. I believe me and you both have long tors, babe. We're long torso people. But different people have different reactions if you're at somewhat in the public eye. And I would say 99.9% of the time people say to me, you're much taller than I thought. Yeah. That would be the

common reaction. So you don't think if we measured you, you're not six, two and a half. No, I'm, I'm 191, bro. Okay. That's like the, the, the, the, most. exact um with shoes on or without without babe i know my height i i have no need to be six three i actually used i was six two all my life and it was actually when i moved to china and they measured in centimeters and like they measured me no you you are six one 91 centiman i actually forget how tall you are because i'm always asleep but it's true also i think yeah it's actually six it's actually six foot three point one nine seven so it was actually after moving to china that i started saying i was six foot three because i always said i was six foot two also yeah i do think us having like

longer torsos people people don't assume that i'm i mean i'm not tall but like i'm five seven i'm five seven i'm sorry so people will see me in person and then i'm wearing heels if i'm performing and they're like wow and i'm like i know i could dunk a basketball five seven a lot of judgment from a five seven person about people's heights what you're saying because i'm short no no i just I just, I, listen, there's body image, there's a lot of body image shaming coming from men towards women. So I, I understand that women won't be feeling too much sympathy for men feeling aggrieved about the heightism. Thank you, baby. Look at us.

Look at us learning and growing. But two wrongs don't make a right though. Yes, it is toxic to make fun of guys' heights. And I actually had a lot of stand-up jokes about men's heights. that I stopped doing because a tiny... Did you actually? Yeah. All right, let's go with Pink Eye.

All right, I'm 20 years old. One of my good guy friends has just moved in with two of my best girlfriends. And me and him had started hooking up. It was clear we were going to date, but nothing was official. I was also hooking up with a girl who had just came back from Miami and brought back with her the nastiest case of Pink Eye that like anyone in New York City had ever seen. I obviously got it.

And then my soon-to-be boyfriend goes to... his ex-girlfriend's birthday party and ends up spending the night at her house. And I was going to sleep at his house anyway because my best friends lived there. So I went out to the bars that night, got wasted, made out with the bartender, and then went home and rubbed my pink eye all over his pillowcases. Cut two a week later. Now he's my boyfriend. And I'm sitting at the same bar with one of my friends.

and the bartender walks in wearing an eye patch mind you I don't have pink eye anymore and then my boyfriend walks in with the same eye patch on everyone in the bar thinks it's fucking pirate theme night they made a drink after me called like the pink eye brook or something

was pink with a little green mint leaf but yeah that's that's getting ratchet oh my god that's hilarious That's like That's like an episode of a sitcom Yeah It is basically like college is like kids Who now don't have adult supervision

So it's like imagine if you got lice And you're like fuck I got lice in second grade Now I'm gonna give it to the person I hate You're just like everyone's rubbing up on each other I mean Actually some of my friends kids over here got lice I forgot about lice Like then you get then suddenly you remember like

Oh God there's always like lice scares in school Yeah and then you have to put margarine in your hair hair do you remember that oh we did we did you know we had to put that a horrible shampoo oh yeah I think it was like an Italian wife's tail and we put margarine in our hair but yeah everyone something was going around chicken pox that shit was crazy but yet the eye thing is disgusting did she say she ended up with him though now it was her boyfriend yeah it was like it was soon-to-be boyfriend yeah that ended up staying with his ex-girlful she's messy I like that wait I finally so she spread pink eye all over the place I remember the most of yeah it was like

toxic thing I ever did it just came to me and I think I sit on giggly squat but a while ago and I was in middle school it was so toxic so I had a crush on this guy who had a crush on me too but he was like doing these things to make me jealous like he kept dating like the girl who I was sitting who I was sitting next to in a home room like she'd be like oh he's a messaging me all night like he would do all these things to get to me and then he starts he did this like three times or like kissed my friends and I'm like this is so weird he's like trying to piss me off and maybe that was just in my head but no I was right about it so then he starts dating my best friend like all the girls like to me when you say dating how old are you we were in seventh grade so it was like their boyfriend and girlfriend

like they're holding hands or like they're not even they're just boyfriend and girlfriend everyone's talking about and that's why it's annoying like they're not even like doing it he just he just wanted to piss me off because now he's dating my fucking best friend and she and it was a secret that i liked him like i didn't tell anyone and i knew how do you know how do you know how do you know he was doing it to piss you off because he since confessed his love to me okay so i have the but and like we were like kind of cute together before whatever i thought it was love my life and i was like i can't take this anymore so i this is so diabolical. I went up to her and I said, look, there's rumors going around that he's going to break up

with you. So I highly recommend you do it first. And then I went up to him and I go, she's going to break up with you. So you should do it first. So then they both just like broke up that day. And I was like, my job here is done. Wow. That's toxic, man. That would be a level of toxicity that I would only admit anonymously on a phone call. I think it's funny. I wouldn't, that wouldn't be something I admit when I'm a known personality. Look, it was seventh grade, and that was the shit you did. But also, then, like, a couple years later, he, like, told me that he wanted to be with me. He was being an asshole, and he was taking advantage of my friend to make me jealous.

So, but you guys never were together? We were a little bit. But, like, then I decided I didn't like him because he was an asshole. And he was a player. And what did he think about you? Fucking Iago over here. I never told him. You never told him?

No. Oh my God. This is like, that's a Shakespearean level of fucking, you know, manipulation. I think I hit my point. Like, he did it with like four other girls in my friend group. So I was like, I'm done with this bullshit. and like you're annoying me you're annoying me we're done wow seventh grade in new york city it was crazy do you feel like a release from having admitted this do you know what happened we

ended up he like kind of confessed that he's always liked me whatever da da da da and we made out and i just didn't feel it wow so all of that was for nothing for nothing you ruined that girl's life for nothing no she didn't like him either it was like it was one of those things were like she He's hot, he's hot. They were like, we're eating, and I was like, no, we're not. You guys know I don't cook. I can cook, or so I say, but I don't cook, and I don't like waiting a long time for food to arrive or go shopping for food.

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Hi, Hannah and Des, big fan of the pod, a giggler and a dialer. And I've been listening to you guys for a while. And Des, I also tore my ACL. It gets better, I promise. But this story actually is from a friend of mine. When he was arguing with his girlfriend one time, the way he ended the argument was by turning on the fan farting in it

and then walking away anyways have a good day guys that's not toxic that's genius that's how I end every conversation it's genius see now this is what I'm talking about the spectrum of toxicity yes yeah

this is the most lighthearted toxicity of all time the problem is that you just fart in the car you're like oh I'm sorry oh oh I don't know how that happened because I'm not holding it in also since COVID your awareness of my farts has gone down significantly.

Yeah, I'm telling you, man. I have long COVID. I'm not even joking. No, I know you. I have long COVID. I've done fully sulfuric farts and you've done nothing. And I've just been like, oh, he's and I don't say anything. You know, I don't know if the dialers, if anyone out there has had this experience, I want to know.

Okay. So, number one, mint, smells, and tastes different to me now. since I had COVID, number one. Two, this is kind of disgusting, but my body odor has a different smell to what it did previous to me. I don't know if it smells different to others, but to me, my own body odor has changed

the way that it smells. Is it better or worse? It's just different, and it's also like not as obvious. It's weird, you know? I looked it up online. Apparently it's a thing. More like onions.

You used to be crazy. Like, I could have the tiniest fart and you'd be in the other room and be like, Did you just fart smells? Where now I could literally fart in your face and you'll not know. Yeah, there was one other, there was another, I can't remember now though, but there was another thing that doesn't smell or taste the same.

But the mint one is a biggie. Like when you chew gum, what does it taste like? No, it's more like toothpaste and like eating a mint or other people having a mint also. What happens? It just smells and tastes. different. Just all I'm saying. This is, it's distinctly different. A whole new world. Yeah. So I'm pretty sure that that's, I mean, I hope that one day it changes back to the way it I don't. Otherwise, I've been. I don't. It saved our relationship. I've been permanently damaged

by the coronavirus. Would you ever be turned off if like you met a girl and she's beautiful, funny, smart, everything? And she farts early on in the relationship. And it's like, really bad like disgusting like a one-off no but if it was just like a constant i don't know why you're asking me this question because that literally happened and it didn't like like why are you acting like that wasn't the whole first nine months of our relationship okay i had surgery and they pumped me up with with a bunch of air and i was having surgery farts which are a whole different level and that's really fucked up because my appendix almost burst and i could have died you had a lot of Very heavy. Anyway, we're not discussing this again.

Your grandmother gets very upset when we talk about the farting. All right. We've got time for a few more. Let's go with this one. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Des. Huge giggler here. Obsessed with you both. But anyway, so one of the most toxic things I've ever done was I was recently broken up with my ex-boyfriend. It was spring break. It was our junior year of college many years ago, and I was following his friends on Snap Maps because I knew that they were on the way back from the spring break, but he had been with the girl that he was tuning on me with, all of our relationship. And so I got back into town before he did.

So I went into his house, snuck in, broken, whatever you want to call it, completely trashed his entire room, flipped his mattress, broke glass on the ground, etc. um yeah i guess you could say that was pretty fucking crazy of me um but he deserved it right he was cheating on me um and went on three break with the girl so fuck him yep anyway if either of us tried to do this to each other we would have arrived them and like fuck somebody got here first i also like the idea of you like just take one insignificant thing so the whole time they're like they couldn't have just taken the remote or it's Yeah, something like a remote that's just super annoying, but it's like not worth anything.

I think someone hit a remote. Somebody took a remote. That could have been a petty thing. It's honestly an incredible petty thing to do. I think that was the top three of our petties. I do have to say, too, even though I did something really toxic and evil when I was in seventh grade, we can all decide. I think it's because I was smart and humble.

And I think we can decide to use our smarts for good or evil. and you have to decide what you want to strategize your life about. Is it ruining people's lives or enhancing your own? And that's the mental health moment of the day. Wow. Wow, Hannah. Or fighting with your own brain is always the third option. All right. Let's go with this one. This might be practical. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Des. Love the pod. Longtime little devil. I've been waiting to say

my peace. And I had a toxic X a while ago. This is the worst thing that he did to me. It was Valentine's Day and he made these fantastic, inner plans, weeks out. He even bought a new suit because he really wanted me to post him on the ground, but, you know, we don't do that. Anyways, it was unfortunate because I had recently gotten hit by a car. I was actually about three days post-knee surgery, so I was bedridden. I was not going anywhere. He puts on his suit that night, and I like hype him up, like, tell him he looks great, and he says, thanks, I know, I'm going to go get drinks. And I'm like, um, okay, like, with who? And he says, just with my friends, being all nonchalant, and who am I to stop them?

I let him go. I hear the door. He says bye. And then I pull out my phone. I snapchat my friends, the empty seat next to me, the rom-com that's on TV, and then I verociously tied the situation that just went down. Five minutes later, he comes around the corner. He says, you passed. You didn't call up your friends and tell them what happened.

you were like great um the door never opened again he stayed out of my view pretended to leave my house um and just waited there to know what my reaction was to him leaving me alone on valentine's day um but i guess i passed um so thanks bye wow that is wow is insane behavior i'll break up with him. I'm break up with them right there. That's great. I'm done. Like, what? Be like, okay, I passed your test. Well, I don't want to be a part of this fucking

exam. You failed mine motherfucker. You failed mine, motherfucker. Get the fuck out. What? Also, you think that's, it's not cute, it's not funny. It's manipulative. It's like me in seventh grade. I don't like that at all. No way. Especially she's just been through surgery.

You just don't. What a dick. Also, like, what did he think she would, like, he wanted to see if she was going to like start a fight but also like he's no she wanted she wanted to she if she had the normal reaction to some asshole abandoning you on valentine's day when you're bedridden yeah fuck you what is that mentality of like oh the girl i want needs to be someone who like will let me do whatever the fuck i want like that's some fucked up i hope she's not with him anymore i assume she's not what a joke she didn't say that though at the end so now i'm worried I mean like acceptable tests are like do she you know you know the one from a bronx tale where she like opens the door you know like stuff like that but like this is ridiculous no that's also it's Valentine's Day that's it's great story though great story fascinating but um no don't keep score of any kind don't do tests on each other that's fucking weird that's also his own trauma he's like putting on you like because some girl got mad at him once for cheating probably and he's like let's see if she's

She's perfect. Like, that's his own insecurities. Oh, for sure. Absolutely. God, guys like that. You just, oh, God, you know, you know he's under six foot. Babe. You know me?

I don't do short guy jokes, but I just, I kind of felt like, I felt like it was a good one. That is so valid. That is valid. No, they think about it. There's no way that man was six, two and a half. I told you, I've said this on the pod before, right, about my mother. No. My mother was the most heightest person.

And, like, 50% of the time, if I came home and told her I had some problem with some guy in school, she'd be like, it's because he's short. It was terrible. Desmond, he's jealous. He's short. That's why. Nikki Glazer has a really good joke where she's like, I love short guys because you can get, like, 10 out of 10 hotness on a discount. Oh, I don't get it. So, like, a guy she wouldn't be able to get with, she can get.

Oh. Because he's short. So, like, she could get a face that's, like, insanely hot. Jukebox stalking. It's hard not to want to try. After my ex and I broke up, I would drive around town looking for his car at his favorite bars. And when I would find it, I would connect to the jukebox from the music app on my phone. And I would play our song, like, over and over again.

and he would always end up calling me that night. Like, I heard her song again. I think it's a sign. I'd be like, oh my gosh. Like, no shit, it's a sign. I'm fucking psycho. Okay. How do you do that?

I don't know how to do it, but I love the self-awareness. And honestly, intelligence of this girl. That's not toxic. That's ingenious. Also. But how do you do that, though? That's the one thing I don't understand.

They must be, like, updated jukeboxes that you just have. to you have an app for them at each bar like it's an app god it's been so long i know it's i guess new technology jukebox i think this is hilarious and i'm lucky that i'm not in a small town because you can do this shit in a small town like you can know where everyone is like in the city even if you want to find a guy that you like were talking to you can't find him you can't find him yeah so it's almost like too tempting in these places where you're like there's his silver mazda I guess we're going to have to stock them all day. I would just love to know if that's actually like a real thing because it's a great story.

But I'm not saying I don't believe it. I just, it's been so long since I used a jukebox. I didn't know that was like a thing. Yeah, it's a modern jukebox, babe. All right, one more then. Okay, one more. Here we go. Hi, Hannah and does love the pod.

And I especially love this upgraded messaging platform. This is so fancy. So the most toxic thing I've ever done. definitely would have been a little bit delusional if I hadn't been right. I also think that most girls in toxic relationships have done this. So I had a sneaking suspicion that my boyfriend at the time was talking to another girl, but I never had solid proof, so I knew that I needed to get him to admit to it. So I created a fake email address, which I used to create a fake Instagram account. And then I messaged myself on Instagram from this account and said,

tell your boyfriend, or ask your boyfriend about insert girl's name. And then I showed him the message and I said, what the fuck is this? Who's so and so? And he was caught red-handed. He admitted to everything. They had been texting for the entire length of our relationship. They had exchanged photos a few times it was very flirty um i don't think that they ever actually met up he said that they didn't um he definitely could be a liar most men are sorry does um but yeah so it was a little toxic for sure but i still use the instagram from time to time to check up on people um so i continue to live in my delusion thanks so much that's not delusional it was genius also i love as she goes I continue to keep people in check with this Instagram.

That is classic of like, do you have to tell me something? And then you just wait and see what they say. Well, that was nice. That was good. I love that. The thing with toxicity is sometimes it's because a person is being toxic to you that gets you to that point. Like, for example, in seventh grade,

that man was being toxic to me trying to make me jealous. So I responded with toxicity. But you don't want to be the one that starts with toxicity. Also saying toxicity is kind of hard But this guy was being toxic with her So she was strategic, honestly That's just good advice For the girlies out there

And the gay men that are listening This is the way to You know, this is a good way to But I've also I've seen guys who like see the DM From someone else And they'd still deny it so Well, you know

It worked on this guy We're not offering a hundred percent success right here yeah yeah but these this was an interesting bunch of messages some were silly petty some were almost illegal and then some were just quite um smart yeah there's this serious serious intelligence coming out from the the little dialers are you like a little scared of women right now after hearing this no no not i'm not i'm proud you knew we were capable I knew it when it came when it comes to you know you ever see Christa Stefano does that joke about like the Latina women should be in the FBI you know like this is a known thing this isn't like a this isn't the world's best kept secret it's like you know moms didn't just become that like motherly instinct you know when moms know everything it's like they started before that so you can't trick us so well first of all just obviously we will be having private conversations but in the public realm

of Burnaphone can I just wish you a great success when you record your special break a leg and I have no doubt that you'll be 100% fuck all the haters

they'll enjoy that shit when it's up on Netflix Okay, Coco Gough I did want to put in the special thanks all the people just all the people who fired me and then I told page I'm going to put her in the special no thanks just as a joke oh yeah because people always say thanks there's always a thank you section there needs to be a fucking no thank you section

talking about toxic in our toxic episode from now on all my from now on everything I ever do is going to have a fucking special thanks to and then a special no thanks to all my fucking and i when i say all my haters i'm listing them but i also do like thanking people who like try to take you down before because it it all works out sometimes other people's toxic shit puts you in a good place that's right let's finish with some positivity yes and and sometimes don't play in the mud with them just get out Just to say that I added a Philly show in July. I have those Chicago shows the first weekend in May.

And I have a show in Upstate New York, which has gone out of my head right now. But somewhere in upstate New York, I have a show also in the summer. Oh, and I also have Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Uncle Vinnie's. Oh, Uncle Vinnie's Comedy Club, the Friday and Saturday after my show in Philly. So July 12th and 13th. And I added a fourth Philly show. But yeah, maybe I'll come with you to your Philly show in May. We'll see what the mood is.

No, that's July. It's July. Chicago in May. Oh, yeah. We'll see what the mood is. But yeah, definitely go see Des in Philly. I know there's a lot of Philly listeners. Well, thanks so much.

That's it. Thank you so much for dialing in. Talk to you later. Bye. Bye.