Berner Phone - Berner Phone #34: Going Rogue

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

This week we let the little dialers go rogue and tell or ask us anything. We investigate conspiracy theories, get asked some morbid questions, and get called out by a giggler. $5 off at LumeDeodorant.com with code BERN Get 15% off haircare at lolavie.com/BERN    

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? We're back. We're back. We shot the special this weekend. I need to thank you all and the gigglers for carrying me through this. give me tons of incredible advice. Can we just start like this?

Let me just start with this, okay? This is just coming at you to acknowledge the moment. We're going rogue. Okay. Hannah, congratulations on your special. I almost feel like such a creep leaving this, but we had such a good time. Your special was so good. It was so adorable that you recognized me from my Instagram real.

That was absolutely hilarious. I kind of blacked out. But seriously, cool to have come across you and Des. just on the internet and then to get to be front row for such an incredible experience for you very cool uh also lastly if i end up in the final edit i did not use this temporary tattoo i will dead ass take it to my artist and get it tattooed on me for real because like what a cool memory you know okay bye oh my god do you want to hear the story behind this yeah well once you're okay i don't want to give away any any moments that will end up in your special but no it's

So I was checking my stories and someone tagged me a couple of days before the special of like, what should I wear to Hannah Burner's special taping? And I thought that was like so cute. So I was like, okay, I'm going to look at his outfits and like give him my opinion. So I was like, oh, wear this one. And we were like joking about the outfit. And then I see the guy wearing the outfit in the front row and he's this like gorgeous gay guy who's like loving life.

and we had a funny moment because someone was talking about frisbee golf and I was like oh that was like what was the what was the straightest thing or what was it again well I was saying what's something embarrassing you pretended to like for a man and the girl was like frisbee golf and I was like that sounds kind of gay and he was the gay guy was sitting there and he literally makes eye contact with me and he's like yeah and I was like can you get the camera on him because I need the gay community to confirm that and then the girl's like this is my boyfriend I'm talking about and the guy was right there and we all were laughing but like I think it was mid special that I just made eye contact with him in the front and I was like oh my god are you from the insos stories and he was like yeah I just like I can't I have to say everything that goes in my head I have zero filter so what's the tattoo thing that is that giving away anything oh yeah so for the special I ordered like 2,000 um tattoos I don't know if it's our generation but like I think fake tattoos are so funny to put on and I handed it out the special, and it's potentially the name of what the special will be.

Was he trying to say, if I'm making it into the special, I'm actually going to get this permanently tattooed? You know, I think we might have just gotten that on the record. Yeah, that's on the record for this guy. We'll see what happens in the edit. How come we've ever done that as a prompt?

What have you pretended to like for a guy? Oh, that's really good. I thought you're going to say, what's a tattoo you regretted, going to Hannaburner special and getting her fined that that's like kind of a bit like I've heard you talk about that before it's a crowd work bit I do I love to do I love to do it because someone always yells anal and I think that's so funny but it's funny I did it this last week and no one yelled anal and I was like oh okay a bunch of prudes in the crowd a bunch of little prudes

did you need them to shout anal because it's Murphy's law that the one time you're filming yes you won't get the response that you wanted yeah that But it's fine. I actually didn't need that part. I was like going overboard, just like getting content. But I'm, can I admit? So, you know, like when you have these bits where you just get used to asking the crowd a question first and like at a normal show, it's just like whatever comes out you're going to go with. But like so, you know, when I do my stuff about living in China, I always say, are there any Chinese people in the crowd? And 98% of the time there's the Chinese person. But, you know, sometimes there's not. And it's not that bad. But. It's just like more fun if there's somebody. So when I taped my special at the cellar, and by the way, we didn't use this.

So I'm ratting myself out in a way that's not going to like show people a bit that was like fake. But for one of the shows, I organized a Chinese woman that I knew to respond when I said that just in case there was nobody. Now, I didn't end up using that reaction because there was other reactions that happened. That were authentic and so funny. I'm from Australia, mate. Yeah, that. That was not planned. I also can't do an Australian accent.

I'm sorry. If you had needed a very specific response, would you have put somebody in the crowd? Well, it's funny, because I have a Disney bit that I do, and I have people yell out Disney princes, and the director was like, okay, are you sure this is going to work? And I'm like, I'm so sure it's going to work, and not only work, but like every show,

It's the same order, too, that people yell it. It's crazy. It's crazy. And for the special, it's literally they yell it in the same order. And I got everything I needed from that. And, I mean, the crowd was hilarious. Also, like, the second show was definitely more drunk. Girls were yelling out, like, tags, like, funny things they thought of based on the joke.

Like, they were all in. One girl on the front was, like, just yelled, are you pregnant? And I was like, okay. I think we need a call tonight I think we've all had a long week Hannah Burner substitute teacher Special coming out on Netflix Trying to control the crowd

Literally Oh god It was it did become a little bit of a drunk Town Hall meeting I always feel like a DJ That's like kind of just Keeping the vibes up for the hot girls Because you can't suppress the hot girls

The second show was not tight They were loose as fuck Everyone thought they were in the special. They were. Everyone shot the special together. They were yelling crazy shit. If it makes you feel good, there was a, I didn't put them all in, but there was a lot of people that were at the special taping that messaged in to say how great it was. Oh.

Well, I also, I made everyone all nervous because I was like sharing every single thought that was going in my head the two weeks beforehand. And so I really asked for all the attention, and then everyone's, like, following up to make sure I'm okay. They're like, you know, it was really good, and you could calm the fuck down, and I'm like, thank you. I lost 40 years off my life, but. We've all had enough, Hannah. We've all had enough. Everyone's over it. Everyone's over it.

Good, because it doesn't come out for, like, three more years. Now, actually, there's word on the street that it might be coming out in the summer now. Stay tuned. Watch this space. So we went rogue. We're doing a free-for-all. Did you write rogue in the Insta story? Because a lot of people said, since we're going rogue,

did you say we're going rogue? I forget. I don't know, but it sounds like something I would say. So today was basically like your choice, dealer's choice, dialer's choice, whatever you want. Honestly, I feel like a substitute teacher. This is how I felt during my special. I'm like, yell it out, whatever you want. Let's go.

Yeah. So let's go. Okay. Here's one that you're going to love. but also I think this is good like you are very like I think we've been controlling all the conversations you're like I just want people to let out what they need

like therapeutically like anything they want to yell out like a Quaker meeting just like say what you feel and the vibe so let's go let's dive in okay this is fun hi Hannah and Des I was originally calling to tell Hannah that our cats need to be set up because her cat is named butter and mine is toast

I mean they just belong together. But then my thoughts kind of migrated to the fact that I think that pets having named after food is the cutest thing in the freaking world. I mean, imagine a little Pomeranian dog named Chia Bada. I love it. Or spaghetti. But then I think about what happens if your dog gets out and you're running down the street and you're like, lasagna, lasagna, come to me, lasagna. And everyone's just looking at you. I don't know. Maybe you could find your dog and some lasagna.

I felt like that was like a bit. That was hilarious. That's also me every time I need lunch. I just go outside and start yelling lasagna. But I love food names for pets, particularly Italian names like Ziti or, you know, canoli. Zia is a good name. It's, there's peni, there's so many cute ones. I, but even better, arguably, than a food name is a very regular name, like Jeremy, Jennifer, Stephanie, because that's crazy when you're, like, in public, like, oh, my God, Stephanie keeps peeing on my foot or, like, Stephanie bit my husband's, um, penis.

And you're like, you know, it's like, people just tend to go for, like, a certain type of pet name. Also, when you have two animals doing a fun pairing thing, like, I wanted Paige to do, like, espresso and martini with, like, her unborn pets that she doesn't have. But there's just, also with pets, I feel like they start with one thing, and then their name becomes, like, a completely other nickname, like, butter booby, baby. Yeah, well, you know, I guess you can think about the, you can think about the nickname. Yes. Because the nickname becomes huge. But we did name our second dog mistress because she was the younger woman coming into our house after we had an older male dog. Is that really why you called her mistress?

Yeah. That's very funny. She was like Scruffy's mistress. I actually called Butter Butter because her eyes looked like Butterscotch. Oh, is that how you got butter? Yeah. Oh, I didn't realize that. I like to think about butter.

But I just like butter anyway. And it's a good name in a New York accent. Butter. Where's butter? Where'd she go? It's a good name. People are clearly fans of the name of butter. Well, people call her butters because of South Park, but it's actually just butter.

But she doesn't get upset if you call her butters. She's actually just not going to, she doesn't like anyone who's not me. So it doesn't change her opinion of anything. So this is going to require you to research, okay? Because we have two conspiracy theories that I think are bullshit. Okay. So here's the first one. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Love the pod. So we're going rogue this week. My little tidbit of information

doesn't really need advice necessarily, but I just need to know am I being gaslit. So my fiance told me that apparently if you let your farts fly loose and you're just like farting up a storm all the time, which I'm a gassy girl. And in the comfort of my own home, I'm not holding them in. So anyways, he tells me that if you are just like letting those farts fly, that the muscles in your butthole become weak over time, which ultimately causes you to shit yourself when you're older because you've lost all control. Am I being gaslit? Am I being punked? Is this true? Does anybody know? Thoughts, concerns. Anything is appreciated. Love you guys. Bye-bye. That's a great question. I want you to research. I also want to point out because we we love

of our dialer here, but I think it's important to point out that you would not be being gaslit, you would just be being duped or misled. The term gaslit has gotten way too broad of a meaning. So there would be no sense of being gaslit in terms of thinking you're crazy about something you're not crazy about. But this may be, I feel like this is like the color changing when you pee in the pool? I think what she's saying is she's being gaslit in that, like, he's lying because he doesn't want her, he wants her to stop farting.

So he's making up reasons to scare her into not farting because clearly his presence is not enough to get her to stop. Now, I'm very into fart conspiracy TikTok, and there was something going around saying that if you hold in your farts, it like stays in you. then your breath gets bad and you like smell more. When I googled, it says excessive farting, bloating and flagellants can make your,

it's not like an out there thing. They're not like, watch out. More fording makes your butt muscles weaker. I searched that, and it's not really coming up. I'm going to rate this as false. I would argue your butt muscles are stronger from farting. Because you know when you have to kind of hold it to make it a little silent, so you're just like...

Can you put in, does holding your farts make your butthole stronger? Because also, this is air. Like, I totally get it if you're jamming a dildo up your butt and you get a fissure. You're not getting a fissure from farting. Strengthening your anal sphincter

can help control your bowel movements. I think farting could make it stronger. Let me Google holding in farts bad breath. Is it bad to hold in farts? According to some research, holding in a fart can cause the gas to be reabsorbed into your bloodstream and exhaled through your breath, which can lead to bad breath.

Gas can also pass through your gut wall and be reabsorbed to your bloodstream and then exhaled through your lungs. Interesting. But we do think that you're being gaslit by your boyfriend for this particular dialogue. I mean, I don't know if it's about this, but he's definitely gaslighting you in some capacity in other ways. By the way, it just so happened that Bella came down the stairs while we're talking about this and she seems to be passionate because when I said to you,

is it bad to hold into your farts, Bella was like, shaking her head like, yes. So here's the other conspiracy theory. Okay, I'm not going to lie. I've recorded this message about 16 times. So let's hope this is the 17th and final version. Hannah, this is directed towards you, knowing that you're an avid body of water peer, pools, hot tubs, showers, etc.

What do you think of the fact that I just found out that women should not be peeing in bodies of water because apparently it weakens our pelvic floor muscles. So when we get older, if we've been used to peeing in bodies of water the minute that we get in, i.e. you get into the shower, warm water hits and you start peeing. Apparently, we will not be able to control it the older we get because of our muscles weakening down there. So I'm curious to hear your thoughts. Des, feel free to chime in on that as well. Don't know that it's the same for men. And no, I am not a chain smoker. I'm just getting over a cold. Des, feel free to chime in with your vaginalist thoughts. So, okay, I just Googled it.

Standing or hovering while urinating in the shower can weaken pelvic floor muscles and people with female anatomy because the pelvic floor needs to be relaxed to urinate properly. But I sit in hot tubs when I pee. I just have to say that. Also, hot take, I don't give a fuck if I'm older with a weak pelvic floor. I'm going to have a weak everything. I don't, if I'm pissing shit in myself, that's what a nursing home is for, right? Isn't that the whole point of it? We're all peeing in each other and like getting STDs.

Let's face it, Hannah's going to be a senior citizen influencer. So Hannah's going to be like, today's podcast is brought to you by Depends. Look, I'm on stage. I try to get a Depend sponsorship, okay? When I'm on stage, I can't worry about, you know, whether I'm going to leak or not. I'm just going to let it out when I'm on stage. You know what? I also, I appreciate this message.

I just, I don't want to live my life in fear. What ifs? What's not? If I was in fear, I wouldn't even use the microwave because everything gets you cancer and weakens your pelvic floor. I also did Pilates today, which is supposed to be good for your pelvic floor. Also, I don't even know what a pelvic floor is. Where is it? And why do they call it a floor?

And where, like, what? What was your synopsis from your Google? from your quick fact check? If you hover or stand while peeing it can weaken your pelvic floor so like for later in life it could not be but are they suggesting that if that's the only way

you pee all the time the random you know what 10 times a year that you pee in you know or I guess a lot of people pee in the shower I do pee in the shower and I do pee in hot tubs I don't pee that often in the ocean

because I don't go to the ocean that much because it's really cold and I have trouble peeing in the cold. But the second I'm in a hot body of water, it's flowing through me, okay? Actually, have you ever looked up why women are better at holding in their pee than men? I said, because men are little, just, I'm just kidding.

Women's waterworks are more internalized, which has benefits. I don't know. This is above my vague grade. I'm not woman stem. We need Chris. Typically women are capable of holding your longer than men, but at, yeah, they just.

Oh, yeah, I saw that too, yeah. Yeah, I don't know why. I know there's something about, like, how long the urethra is, but also, like, I could be gaslighting everyone right now. Oh, but they're saying women hold it longer. Oh, is a man, oh, there's too many options here. Actually, we should have just hired your mother as an episodic researcher here. Have you heard what a peegasm is?

No, what's a peegasm? Woman experiences delay in the release of urine, and when the urine is released, they experience an orgasm-like feeling. Oh yeah I feel that when I've been holding it in for a long time It's the best feeling ever And you're just like Ugh

It's the best one You've been holding it in forever But you know what I think feels better than that A poop A poop A long poop When you have to poop And then you finally can poop

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I got this intense bowel movement and you betcha it was my body prepping to unbrew all the spaghetti I ate before this run. So I was like, oh my God, I'm four miles away from home. So I began doing a runwalk shuffle, holding everything in to make it back home. I finally realized I wasn't going to make it back home. So I came across this farm. So I was like, okay, let's go do my business privately on this farm. As I'm running to the farm and jumping the fence, I accidentally lose control of this bowel movement everything just explodes so i jumped the fence i find a creek i finished my business i throw my poopy periwinkle pants into the creek these cows are watching me it's very demoralizing and i begin my track home i love how she kept saying bowel movements and made

it sound like very classy she's like my bowels were moving around round. Unfortunately, my bowels were just more eager to move than I wanted them to be. Des called me and he was like, there's a lot of, yeah, shitting yourself stories. And I was like, oh, that's very on brand. And honestly, it connects people. It makes everyone realize life is just trying not to shit your pants and occasionally it happens and then you have to laugh about it. But, you know, I had a lot of, a lot of pooping while running stories, you know? That's why I don't run. If you're a runner, sometimes you just got a, I have, I have, I have dropped a squat in so many places.

That's why working out is so hard, because I'm always like, okay, let's go work out. And then I go, but am I hungry? I can't be hungry. So then I, like, eat. And then I'm like, well, now I need to digest. And then I'm like, am I digested? And then I'm like, is it windy outside? And the next thing you know, I'm not doing anything.

But I definitely, you get the same adrenaline. I say running is a laxative, but so is like performing. That's why a lot of comics, before they get on stage, they let out a little poop. No, but the thing is, and we've talked about that. lot but the thing of difference between running and comedy is like doing comedy is like the beginning of a race where at the beginning of a race you feel like you need to poop and then it kind of disappears the problem with like jogging for long distances like it kind of comes on the middle of your run yeah your body's like okay there's only been one time in my entire comedy career that

I had to walk off stage mid show and that was I was like way too sick to do the show I tried to ignore it and halfway to the show I had to walk off stage because what you know I couldn't you know but any other time despite feeling like oh god i'm going to ship myself before i got on stage the minute i'm on stage it would disappear yeah they say your body really sucks it in once you get on stage and you're fine um but yeah long distance jogging is also in some of these places we need more public restrooms i hate when i go outside and i'm like okay if i'm outside for four hours i just have to hold it in um but i love how i like the way she's feeling i like the way she's feeling judged by these cows like they're not just fucking dropping their poop wherever they go they probably were like oh it's

pretty good technique i should try that that's a good one i should try squatting they're all just standing in their own shit she's being judged by the cows also where is she she's like i went to the creek and i was hanging out of animals i was like this sounds fucking fun this sounds like a good run yeah it's like dancing with wolves fucking running territory yeah oh god well i'm happy that she's had some motion in the ocean another we got another one i didn't put it in but she pooped in somebody's house and then it didn't flush the toilet was blocked

so she took she took the poop out and like put it in the in the loo in the in the in the garbage in the bathroom but then she was so paranoid that it would be found when she was leaving she went up got it wrapped it in toilet paper and put it in her handbag

until she got home oh my god that's sorry I should have put that one in obviously she brought her poop home talk about people pleasing which are just like poop paranoia it's just out of control if if this podcast achieves anything in terms of its contribution to humanity it will have to be the normalization of poop mishaps i know but there's nothing like when you're first seeing someone

like that first month the stress of pretending that you don't shit yourself or you don't fart like honestly that's what was the hardest part of dating for me was holding in your farts? Yeah. Like, because it's always around dinner and you always have adrenaline and it's just a recipe for disaster for me. You're holding in your farts

and then you go for your first kiss and then you're like, oh my God, I'm going to fart out of my mouth. Oh, well, that's from our new information. Now I'm stressed. Okay, so this is a dilemma in our random, we're going rogue. Dialema here.

Okay, I need help from both of you all. So I am 34. For the last year, I've been doing only fans and I'm a KM girl. So I live in the South. This is not where I will be. But like while I'm here, I'm finding that people are incredibly judgmental of what I do. And first of all, like, that's very good for business. It just drives, you know, like people to my page.

However, like, what's my decorum on like having, you know, going out to a party and people are like, what do you do? Like, how do I lead with I'm in digital marketing and then like, you know, just kind of suss it out, like feel out the vibe. What's your take on that? Because like I'm not trying to like scare people away, but it's also in my nature to just be very like forthcoming and like, you know, this is the way that it is. That's just that's it.

Very interesting. That's very interesting because it's like, yeah, you don't want to go around feeling like you have to lie to everyone. then you don't want to like have that internalized shame um but part of me is kind of like it's not their fucking business like it's not your business and so funny the first thing i think of is like just say marketing um as comedians we lie a lot because it's a it's a unique career and you get a lot of the same like annoying questions when you're stuck in an uber yes but you're not getting judged you're not getting judged some would judge they're like okay

you fucking sad clown yeah i you know but i i'm not going to compare that to what she she's dealing with because at the end of the day her her dilemma is that society is absolutely judging her i mean yes you know i think it's not people's business and you're making your money and they're not paying your fucking bills and but i get it she is probably publicly promoting herself and people like know but i think it's like yeah what do you do i do marketing i market my my pussy yeah because i i think there's absolutely nothing wrong with what she's and especially these days people are making real money and obviously there's great debates out there about you know like there's like divide within feminism about all this stuff but we're not getting

into the debates but she seems to be comfortable with it and I definitely think that there's nothing wrong what she's doing however I definitely think we live in a society that's not 100% accepting so I feel like you pick your battles there are times where it's nobody's business and then there are times where you have real friendships real connections with people and you should tell them and it's also good to know if some of them are going to be judgmental then they're probably not the people that you really want in your life you know you want people to love you and accept you for who you are a hundred percent i think that you're not in a one woman crusade to change all of humanity some people are just not going to accept it and there's nothing you can

do about that like you said part of that uh lack of acceptance drives business right because people you know they need to go online uh privately to you know get their kicks out of whatever you're offering so that's the sort of good and the bad of the taboo right so but you know that it's out there so pick your battles in terms of when when you let people know yeah i think it's that kind of same freedom you feel having an only fans which is like you can do what you want when you want and if you feel if someone is going to come and approach you and like be weird about it you can just be like no thank you but if someone's like actually cool and seems interested and you know she's interested in doing it or you just protect yourself how you have to do it because

you don't owe anybody's shit is how i feel but i do think it would be a funny like man on the street type thing uh where if you went around asking random people maybe go to another city where people don't know you and go around and ask random people random men particularly uh how would you feel if your girlfriend and told you that she had an only fan. I think I'd be very curious to see people's reactions. Well, honestly, I feel like other women, maybe they're judgy, but it's like there's a certain kind of man online that is very insecure and has made it clear that, like,

I would never be with a girl who has only fans because, like, I can't have other guys looking at her. I think they also don't like that women are, like, making money. But then I'm always like, oh, so would you rather be with someone who's, like, just a shitty person but has a normal, job like i i don't like when people type cast like the kind of person that does only fans because there's just so many experiences and different times in your life um so i'm kind of passionate about that so much of that judgment comes from a place of suggesting that sex and uh you know sexuality

like there's something inherently shameful about it or even that there's a need for excessive privacy about that's all like societal that's not like you know if you you can you can you can 100% liberate yourself from so many of these hangups and judgments, you know? So if people want to hold on to that stuff, it's fine. And obviously, people, everyone has their own idea of what the right amount of discretion about sex and sexuality is. And, you know, we're never going to find true consensus on that as a society. So, I mean, she's out there on the front lines, you know, but if you're making good money.

People are liking about OnlyFans is that you're kind of directly able to control that career where like with porn you put getting a lot of unsafe situations you're not getting paid well so it's kind of this new way that women are taking charge of their sexuality and monetizing it the way they want to so you know what you keep hustling you do your thing also this the south is is pretty traditional with that stuff i would think i mean i don't i'm not living in the south um i'm starting i'm starting a scar limp fetish only fans now that i'm gathering up a such a a fine array of scars and abilities to show my limping. Oh, God.

I thought you said lip. I was like lip. Scar and lip. Yeah, it's called a Zaddy only fans. And I've been trying to get you and your brothers to start it for a long time. Yeah. You haven't get really, you're trying to get Aiden.

This reminds me of people have asked about like, if you have like herpes, for example, like when do you bring it up? Because you don't want to feel like you're lying to people, but you also don't want to put yourself, like re-traumatize yourself in situations that you don't feel it's appropriate. So it's kind of like, yeah, just using your gut

and you don't owe people anything. Obviously, if you're going to, if you have herpes and you're going to have sex with someone, you should probably, you do owe them an explanation on that. But that's for another time. Hey, let's, somebody missed the Meat Cute episode. So this is somebody with a belated meat cute. I'm so glad you guys are doing this prompt

because I wanted to send one in for the meat cute, but no, I have a second chance. So when I graduated college, I didn't really know what I wanted to do. So I started doing Rover just to make some money. It's similar to a wag. You watch people's dogs or walk them or how to sit, whatever you want. And I got a request to watch a dog for two weeks. And after those two weeks, I absolutely fell in love with this dog. he was the best dog I had ever watched. I loved him so much. I didn't want to, I almost cried

when I had to give him back. And so, like, literally last-ditch effort, I asked out the owner. And we are now engaged, and we have two dogs. So I thought it was a pretty, pretty unique story. I love that. She's like, I actually, I don't really care for the guy, but I'm still with the dog. doing really well. We have a bigger family now. Don't even know the guy's name. Some people marry a guy for money. It's like you marry, but here's the bad news.

Dog lives and human lives. There's a great discrepancy in the length of time. True, true. Unless he's an old man. I know, but it's real love. It's beautiful. That's so nice. I do think there is something to be said.

Sometimes I feel like pets take on the energy of their owners in a way. And sometimes when you really do love a pet, you will, love the owner. Well, yeah. And sometimes you can really love the owner and not love the pet, but it doesn't affect your relationship. Don't come for butter on this podcast. But that is a cute, you know, because if you remember the me cute, it was just so random. That is so random. The gig economy is bringing people together. This is a real great question and a brave question. Hey, Hannah and Des. Love you guys. Love your relationship. And I think that's what brings me to this question is, I know there's a little bit of an age gap between you guys, but, you know, I myself am interested in a little bit older, a little bit more mature men.

But do you ever consider what the future holds down the road? Because clearly I feel like an unspoken thing is that, you know, eventually somebody is going to die before the other. that sounds worse when I say it out loud. But do you guys ever think of that and wonder, like, what's going to happen down the road? Sorry, this is kind of a morbid one, but I hope the rest of them are happy, and I hope you guys have a great rest to your day. I said, of course you picked this. Des loves talking about death.

It's his favorite topic. Death is part of life, but I also like the bravery of asking, you know, that's a real thing. Now, first of all, can I preface any of our discussion by saying that all relationships have the reality that unless something tragic happens, one is dying before the other. Yeah, like even when people are the same age, I feel like it's pretty common for there to be like a decade difference of someone dying, you know, like he dies at 70, she dies at 80. One is dying before the other for sure. The only thing with an age gap, we have a, you know, 15 a half year age gap.

So statistically, it's highly likely. that I'm going to die before you because one men tend to die before men anyway so let's just say that something would have to go kind of quite wrong for you to die first well statistically it's like 99% likely that if I get murdered you're going to do it

yeah that that's another statistic that you know I don't know if it's 99 though I think you've I think you've given too high of a percentage maybe 95 especially as a female comic you know you piss off a lot of guys So I think, you know, they'd be like motive. It was like 560,000 followers have expressed the desire to murder her in the comments.

I do think me and you have a similar perspective where like we don't have a phobia of dying alone. I always say it sounds fucking peaceful. Just me, whatever cat I have at the moment. I don't have to share the remote. Like I don't have a fear of dying alone. No, but I think that also another parent statistic, I'm not Googling it right now, but women fare better than men in the widow stage. I don't know if, I never double-checked this, but, you know,

apparently there's like a much higher rate of men dying within a year of their spouse dying than when the, when the man dies first, you know. Oh, that's so romantic. But the truth is that it's much more common to it that the husband dies first. I mean, it's certainly, in my life, it's so much more common that the woman is, is the widow. So regardless, you're going to be fine. We certainly don't talk about it.

It's funny because Paige and I were talking about how when couples get married, statistically, like men's lives get better and women's lives get worse. So it kind of makes sense that when the woman dies, the man's like... Is that... There's a study on that? Well, yeah, because a lot of the time when women get married,

they stop, they have to stop working if they have a kid. So, like, just those kind of statistics of, like, income and stuff. and then like if they're taking care of the household and I responded and I was like I don't take care of the household so I don't yeah but I think that that statistic is going to change rapidly over the I would imagine over the next few decades but the fact that you still have kids during like a prime time in your career whether it's your late 20s or 30s yes and it takes you out of the game and then a lot of times they don't come back in the same way anyway regardless women who are single are much more successful statistically Right. But I do have to say my great grandma was like crazy old. She was like 96 or something. And she passed away. And her husband, who's also like 95 or something, had nothing wrong with him. Like absolutely nothing. And he died two weeks later. And it was the most romantic, cutest thing ever. Now I want to die first so you could be like, see if you really like love me. well it's different for me because i have a second family so i'll just go you know i just want to have to deal with the stress of that you know i do have to say if you fall in love with someone it's hard to be like oh you know in in 40 years is it going to suck because he i mean the hardest thing with is dating someone older is what i'm dealing with right now he's had 10 injuries in three days and

yeah but that's that's unlucky you know none of my friends none of my friends have dealt with the amount of injuries i have i've just had a very bad run so that's it's not even like i obviously the chance of having an injury increases but the fact that i've had so many is not totally related to my age i've i've been very unlucky and also you just don't know you just don't know when somebody's going to like anything can happen well because also these older women like if you think about it like traditionally like my nana she's taking she's cooking she's cleaning the second the husband dies she's like i'm retiring in florida I'm going to start golf.

I'm going to get new hobbies. But also you don't think about these things. Obviously, age gap is one thing. But like when you're dating somebody, you don't go, what's the history of heart disease in your family? True. How many people have had cancer in your family? Like, there's just so many actual reasons why somebody might have a higher chance of dying early.

But basically, like, when you're 80, I'm going to be 66. I'm going to be a spring chicken. You're actually going to be 64 and a half. Just so you know. You were trying to shrink the gap there. So, anyway. Good question. I thought it was a good question.

And since we're on the topic of death, I just want to play this one. Last week was, my mother was five years. It doesn't feel like five years, but she died five years ago. It was the anniversary of her death. But this one made me think of her. And so I want to,

I want to play it as a sort of an ode after an ode to Eileen and what she had to deal with. So I just want to say to Hannah that I really appreciate and thank you for all of your amazing kick-ass out there, straightforward female energy. I am a mom and a house full of men, seven and ten-year-old boys, a husband, and I'm literally sitting in the bathroom right now to get a minute to myself. And none of them out there understand my incredible needs. for female energy in my life. So they don't get that I want to watch sappy reality. They don't get that I want to gossip. They don't want to understand how

shitty I feel on the week before my period, how nobody should go near me. And I just, I don't know, I love listening to you here on Giggly Squad. I just feel like all of it, I'm here for it. And thanks for putting it out there, so I feel less alone. And thanks for being you. Okay,

sweetest message ever. I'm actually PMSing right now, so I appreciate that. Yeah, but I appreciated it because my poor mother she had three boys and a fucking husband and she had no women in the house so when she said that I thought of that because my mother would say that sometimes and so that was really I really it is interesting you are like raised different depending on like what gender is dominating your household I guess because I've met some guys who are just like really like emotionally intelligent and like empathetic and they're they're always like oh yeah i grew up with

sisters and i'm like oh so you're good at gossiping and you like they're kind of taught that language of women but um i grew up in a household that was very even it was my brother and me and my mom and dad um but yeah three boys sounds like it reminds me in bridesmaids when one of the women were talking about how like the whole house is just full of blankets that have dried, crisp with semen, you could crack them. Every blanket, when I'm doing laundry, you could crack it. And then they're always wrestling. Like, stop wrestling.

Sit down in color or something. So for all the unfortunate women that only had boys, that one was for you. Des, what would you rather have three boys or three girls? Oh, if it's going to be three, I'd rather have three boys. That's the truth. Mm-hmm. You know, I feel like, you know, you're just throwing out judgments about boys. But, like, I think the judgment would be three girls.

It's like, adolescence is going to be fucking complicated. The stereotype is boys are harder in the beginning and girls are more complicated later. Yeah, you know, like I feel like when the girls are all teenage years, that's just like, it's a lot. A lot to be dealing with. it's a lot you know that's what i think but i don't know we don't know we have zero experience but yeah i hope listening to his pod listening giggly squad like gives you a little release that you're not alone out there and you stay strong with these men my mother got no understanding any of her issues just like just a bunch of fucking guys that have no fucking idea surrounding her um here we go

this is a kind of a dilemma but i really picked it because i know you like accents Hi, Hannah and Des. So last year I moved to a new city, into a new apartment building. There was this guy living next door and we started sleeping together, as one does. I'm not very proud of it. I introduced him to the only friend I've made here and he tried to get with her behind my back. Luckily, she told me everything as it happened and we cut him off as a friend and we talked a lot of shit about him. and what a piece of shit he is, because he is.

Long story short, they started dating like a month after this happened. And believe it or not, they were still together after a year. And now I have to face that man every single fucking day of my life. Because I'm not cutting off my friend because of a man, but still, it's very irritating. Wait, is this South African? Yes. Well spotted. Ooh.

Okay. This exact thing happened. to me in college freshman year first week I met this like hockey player and he was like handsome whatever and we we like hung out for like two weeks oh yeah and then I met a girl and me and her were very similar like similar sense of humor we look kind of similar and immediately we were like we're best friends we were like married to each other on Facebook me and this girl like we decided we're obsessed with each other and then because I was a tennis player I had to go on the weekends to do tournaments but um once i invited her to come play like ping pong with him and

his friend and then i went to a tournament that weekend and she texted me and was like oh he invited me to um this like hockey party and i was like that's all good that's fine and then she told me that and i hadn't like hooked up with him but like we were hanging out she texted me like oh we like we hooked up and me and my friend sat her down and we were like You're choosing this fucking hockey dude who's freshman year, like, over our friendship. I hope this is worth it that you kind of like went behind my back and did this. And you know, whatever. And we're like, I hope this is worth it for you, this hockey guy you're choosing over the friendship.

They continue to date. They date all through college, which is unheard of for a hockey player. So, like, we go to the sports bar and we, like, see them. And I'm just like there. And then they get married. They have a full family. So I now take credit that I brought them together. Once I think I was at the bar and I was walking by them and they're very weird with me.

Like they wouldn't talk to me and I was like, you're welcome. So yeah, they are still together, I think. I have to listen again. Did she say that she was actually kind of with him originally? She was hooking up with him first. Oh, she was hooking up with him. Yeah, no, it's the same situation. Like I was hooking up with the guy first and then he took.

texted her to go to a party and they ended up hooking up and I was like dude that's kind of fucked up you're choosing this hockey guy and they ended up getting married but but but I guess the slight difference between that story and this story is that she came clean to her before they ever did anything yeah didn't come clean that actually she was kind of interested so a month after they shit all over this guy she actually still ended up with him anyway so do you think it's fucked up because she's still friends with this girl my girl was like look I really like him and I was like okay but like I don't really like I don't really feel the same with our friendship like this is super weird wow like he was like taking me out a lot like it was like a thing um but I was

like cool like you're choosing him you got a little Sicilian with her I got a little Sicilian I just said but it's crazy and then I hope that they didn't stay together in spite of me like to like prove something to me I think you don't have kids just to be like do remember that girl we hardly know from fucking freshman year I don't think so. That's in my own brain. That would be hilarious. But this girl, yeah, you're shitting on him.

It's just, but sometimes it's like I'm not mad at this girl at all. Because looking back, like she made the right decision. Like this guy was the guy for her. And like looking back, I actually, I didn't even like him. And he wasn't my type, really. He just was like the first guy in college who was giving me attention. So good for them. They saw something that I didn't see.

Actually, once, I remember I was single And some guy messaged me And I saw he was friends with one of my friends And I immediately messaged her And I was like, how do you know him? And she's like, oh, we're kind of like hooking up But like, you can go on a date with him, I don't like him like that And I was like, are you sure?

And she's like, yeah, I don't like him like that And they ended up getting married Did you ever tell him? I never went on a date with him But just you ever tell him he Did you ever tell them she said, I don't really like him like that? Maybe she was testing you. Well, that's what I think.

I think sometimes, you know, with that girl, like in the moment, you're kind of like, look, if people are meant to be together, they're meant to be together and just let it happen. And sometimes you get caught in the crossfire and it's fine. It's fine. But that's the tea. We got called out. Oh, shit. It's really you and Paige that's getting called out. But I'm going to call it out here.

Hey, Hannah and Des. Love the pod. I just feel like such an imposter sometimes when I listen to your podcast and Gickley's flawed because you're always like, ew, camping, gross, like, we're a ski podcast, but like we don't actually ski. And like, I'm constantly listening to your podcast while like solo ski touring in the Vermont backcountry with my dog or like driving solo across the country for like a camping trip where I sleep out of my car. And I just feel like I am. I'm not the normal podcast listener for your podcast.

But yeah, still love you guys. I just feel like so granola when you talk about how much you hate the outdoors slash sleeping outside and all of that. But yeah, I'm going to keep listening to it and keep doing my thing. So love you. I love how like she almost felt like she had to get it off her chest. Like I feel like I've been lying to you guys and I've been pretending. but I think she's actually the perfect person for the pod because like for example we have like doctors and lawyers and like really fucking smart people listening to our like we can barely put words

together and I think it's it's the whole point of it is you're just getting distracted by the silliness and look I was a professional skier for about three weeks and we appreciate women in the arts That means campers, skiers, shoppers, whatever page, putting on outfits. Like, we support all women in the arts. And I think that's fucking badass. And on this pod, this is not a negative towards skiing pot. In fact, you know, there's been a lot of sacrifices made in recent times for skiing. But I have to say that we did recently express negativity towards camping, both of us.

As a comedic pod, your go-to is to kind of. of like find the funny in things and what's kind of annoying and like criticize it and I believe that I honestly hate everything um at its core so everything is up for grabs that's not just lying on your couch petting your cat yeah butter can do nothing wrong yeah butter could do nothing murder dogs are a little problematic but I do I do enjoy them um but yeah I can make fun of everything and including myself that's that's what giggly squads about so do not feel i'm never going to yuck your yum and that's badass that you can camp if we could we would there has been a lot of yucking of the yum of camping and that even as as a skier i did feel uh disappointed that you you took what was

for a short period of time a positive experience about skiing and then really leaned into the negativity for comedic purposes and actually tricked yourself into hating skiing okay and i've been 100% right about it but i do think with camping like it all is your life perspective and like how you were raised because all it took was me coming out of someone else's vagina from tennessee and i would have loved loved camping you know it's it's just about perspective i would have love skiing if i was raised in the um Swedish alps i'd be skiing right now The Swedish Alps, that would be, that would be amazing. I do want to say post-ACL recovery.

I'll be joining you, I feel like, on the ski touring of the backcountry because that's more like cross-country skiing and that would be, I feel like that's going to be my vibe moving forward, you know? I feel like listening to Giggly Squad while camping is funnier than the actual podcast itself. So keep doing your thing I'm obsessed with you You're crushing it We have time for one more

Okay well we're gonna do two more I want to do this one And then we're gonna finish on a positive note Here we go Hey Hannan does y'all rock I wanted to tell you about my walk The other day This guy was coming out of nowhere

And I was walking my dog And he said hey do you have any very legal drugs And I was like oh pot Like I'm here in Boston so it's legal And I was like there's a dispensary on the corner And as I started to tell him He interrupted me said, no, I have a very legal crack pipe. I was wondering if you had any crack from my crack

first of all, do I fucking look like I have crack? I am offended. Second of all, instead of just shoeing him off, I said, go straight and take a left and go down to the train. That's your best place to score. Since when have I become someone that lets someone know where to score? First, I look like I have fucking crack and then I tell someone where to go get the crack. Also, yesterday I brush my teeth and I got toothpaste in my boobs and I thought I got it out and then I went to the gym and then 12 hours later came home to shower and there was still toothpaste in my boobs. Okay.

Love you guys. Bye. I just loved her accent. I just really loved this Boston image of this girl like such a people pleaser. She's like not only just going to say like, sorry I've never bought crack in my life. She's going to be like

Actually, my understanding is that around the corner by the train station, people that want to purvey crack find purveyors of said crack. We like, good luck with your crack today, sir. Also, getting stuff stuck in your boobs, very relatable. Oh, really? Well, sometimes, you know, in your bra, you find a cracker or goldfish or something that you could snack on for later. So I thought we would finish with a positive note.

Hey, Hina and Dez. I just wanted to talk to you guys about the topic of having kids because I know you guys are on the fence about it and so are some of the little dialers. So I never wanted to have kids. Me and my partner had to slip up. I took a plan B, which doesn't work when you're ovulating. And now I have a five-month-old daughter Clover. Honestly, having her has been the best experience ever. Pregnancy, birthing.

I had a rough pregnancy and a rough birth. I was 27 hours in labor, but honestly, altogether, it has been amazing. I think people make it out to me something that is so negative. And no one really talks about the positive experiences. Yes, you lose sleep. Yes, your life does change forever. But it's not that bad, truly. You make things work. They adapt to your lifestyle. As long as you take them out at a young age, get them used to what you do. It honestly is a beautiful experience. And I think if you're on the fence about it, focus on the good things, not the bad things. Because I focused on the bad, and it made me really, really nervous to have a kid, and it never turned out to be like that. So, by the way, that's not, that's not like a message from me. I just thought it was a message. I feel like it was a message from you. It really wasn't.

I'm not on oxy cotton like the last time I said I won't have a kid. Yeah, the good news is you're coming home tomorrow and, um, well, you're about to get your period. Maybe you'll impregnate me. We'll figure it out. Life finds a way, right? Life finds a way. Thank you guys so much.

Hey, this is not an announcement that we're trying to have a child or anything like that. It was just a positive message at the end of our going rogue episode. Hey, I added some dates. So I just added Nashville. I already told you about Chicago. I also added Philly, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, and I'm in Rochester. Some of those are in May. Some of those are in July and August.

So check out desbishop. dot net. Yeah, and I got a bunch of shows coming up too. Also to that girl, I know your child is five months old. Please follow up with us in a couple years if you still feel the same way. Yeah, yeah, let us know. Let us know when they stop being cute. We love you guys so much.

Thank you for dialing in. Talk to you later. Bye. Bye. Hey, hey.