Berner Phone - Berner Phone #40: Trying New Things In Bed

Episode Date: May 11, 2024

This episode might "go down" as one of our all-time favorites. The dialers brought it this week with brutally honest and funny stories about their latest adventures and mishaps in the bedroom. Plus, we discuss how Nikki Glaser is the reason we got married.  25% off at seed.com/berner with code 25BERN 15% off at citybeauty.com with code BERNER zocdoc.com/berner nurx.com/bern    

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. What's up, my little dialers? I'm back on the road, and so is Des. I'm in Los Angeles. And I'm in Chicago, reporting live. reporting live for burner phone it's been a week listen that this is the episode for the dialers

to carry us over the line because we're both fucking exhausted for our own reasons but des was the one who was like i think it's time for a dirty dialer episode i said uh oh are you sure and he said post it and you guys brought it brought it i actually in our notes of like potential prompt ideas. I didn't realize that we had it like, I have it in a section of like potential recurring themes, dirty dialers. So, dirty dialers. This is our return to the dirty dialers. And, you know, I have to say, like, can we just, can we just admit that it's your fans? My people are not comfortable sharing these stories. Your fans are very comfortable with their sexuality. And it's, it's wonderful. And they're not afraid to be funny about it, which is great. Yeah. I know.

it actually makes me so happy and so proud because yeah does was like some of the stuff is hilarious but like it's pretty raunchy and i'm like yeah because my girls are proud of their sexuality and they'll shout it from the rooftops let's fucking go wait a minute how come like when you make fun of me for being angry you give me like you know like angry new york accent but somehow when when i'm like talking about sex i have like nerdy middle-aged white guy voice you put on like a totally you're like this is pretty Runche. This is like a lot for me to process. This is a lot for me.

My Gen X brain can't take all this openness. Oh my God. Well, look, don't put your Catholic guilt on us. We're doing our thing. We're letting our labia fly. But I also think a lot of people are still shy to talk about it, but the girls feel like, you know, burner phone is a safe space.

And for anyone listening who can't talk to their friends about this stuff, now they can hear what people are talking about, what's going on under the covers. Yeah, and just to say, just to say that the particular theme of this dirty dialer episode was, what have you tried recently that was different that you never tried before in the bedroom? Did we ask like if they liked it or just like how did it go kind of thing? Well, you asked. Yeah, I forgot what I asked, but it went in all kinds of directions. It was basically, no, honestly, it was just like what have you tried recently in the bedroom?

That was it. I'm fascinated by, like, it is very easy to get into, like, you know what works in the bedroom. And then you'll hear other people's stories and you're like, I never even thought of, like, trying that or like, how does one even begin to try something new in bed? So I'm actually really excited to hear what people said. Yeah, and before we get into it, if you are not somebody that's comfortable with sexual content, this is not the episode for you. This is no holds bar. So, like, warning, trigger warning, this episode is filthy. So, uh, Papa, Lenore Burner, go to the other room.

Grandparents, shut it off. Nana can stay. Nana can stay. Nana loves a dirty dialer episode. A lot of anal. I don't know if you, I don't know if your Nana's ready for that. No, my Nana's ready for everything. She can handle it.

So, um, I know you're going to talk about it on Gigley Squad. Does it anything you wanted to, to share with the little dialers about your experiences in L.A. or you want to hold off? Well, I'll let them know. I'll definitely get more in depth on Gigley, but it's just been crazy. like it's so Hollywood I haven't seen this many famous people in such a short amount of time and from interviews to the roast to just like going up celebrity houses like it's been crazy and you know I've been taking notes and I'm going to give all the tea but probably my favorite

moment was interviewing Will Ferrell and Kat Williams at this like golf tournament that was It was super fun. And then I just had my show in L.A. at the United Theater last night. And look, the L.A. crowd came through. Like, I even apologized at one point. I'm like, I'm sorry for anything bad I've ever said about Los Angeles. You guys were amazing. And it was just great vibes.

Speaking of trying stuff new in the bedroom, I was quite surprised how much of a controversy there was over Jeff Ross's joke. Because I watched the roast. I never would have watched The Roast except you were going to be there. So I was waiting to see if you showed up on camera Like a fucking kid catching a baseball at a baseball game It's just so funny It's like, are we gonna see Hannah on camera? Wait, the funny thing though is

There's like there was a ton of cameras So you'd have a camera on you But you didn't They wouldn't necessarily be airing you So like I had a camera on me like for a couple parts And it's hard because you're trying to look good In front of the camera But then depending on the joke

You're like how do I react to this joke Without getting in trouble Like certain jokes, I'd be like, no, not funny, not funny. No. Well, no, because they went to you for like the, if you laughed too hard. They went for you for the female comic, supporting female comic is Nikki Glazer killed. And then you're like up like fucking woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. You were supporting women in the arts.

They didn't even realize that they were literally hitting your brand. You were supporting women in the arts. Look, they got that. It's not a brand. It's who we are. But I also, yeah, shout out to Nikki who was so, I mean, obviously. has been so good at this for so long and in this moment on netflix so many people are watching she was over prepared she fucking taught a master class in it and she also she looked beautiful and

she's always been so great to me on the come up uh you know people don't know this but she's the reason why we met you forgot oh my god i forgot well just because i saw you on her story that's how i added you on instagram it was because des saw me in the back background of no you were in you know Nikki Nikki has these like intense friendships and you you were you're in your Nikki intense friendship phase and she was in New York and you know so I noticed you a couple of times followed you and and didn't realize you followed me back but later on when I actually saw you were out in Shelter Island during the pandemic I saw that you were following me and that's what gave me the confidence to message you so really shout out to

Nikki Glazer. Oh my God. Shout out to Nikki Glazer. I literally forgot. Yes. I forgot. That's the thing. And you thought I had fake lips.

And I thought you, I thought your lips had filler in them. That's how good your lips are. They're so good. They look fake, you know, which is amazing. Thank you, baby. One more shout out to Nikki. Early on when I was first starting stand-up, she basically was like, hey, do you want to come with me to a couple spots in New York City?

now to go like and follow a comic who you look up to do a couple spots at like the stands and then go to the cellar like it was so incredible and I was asking her like stupid questions and she was answering all of it and it was just like it was amazing it was so amazing and she's having a moment right now but I just want to talk about this controversy about Tom Brady coming up to Jeff Ross because when I watched it I was I didn't even really pay it I just thought Tom Brady was like joking you know when he came up and he was like cut that shit out or whatever and then the media really took off with it but then it turns out i i see people saying that actually tom brady was genuinely pissed off so i guess there was there was a rule right andrew shultz talked about on his pocket there was a rule like no jokes about robert craft and and the massage but like at the time i was just like wait a minute like you people are going to have like your family like the most horrible shit but yet this very public actual arrest i mean this is like a literal public arrest This is not like a secret, you know?

Like, it can't hurt his reputation. The guy has publicly had the most knowledgeable handjob massage that's ever been given is Robert Kraft's handjob massage. He didn't seem to care that much. I thought it was hilarious. And Robert Kraft had this great experience. He's friends with Bill Belichick, so it didn't matter. So in the end, it was really just a happy ending.

Boom. Good one. Boom, you did it. You did it. I like that. No, well, I was actually last night, Anthony Jesselneck was the next person to perform at the theater. So, like, we both had two green rooms, so I had one and he had the other, and I heard him talking. And I'm a big fan of Anthony Juselnick, and I was too scared to say hi to him.

Shout out to Anthony. Then this morning, there was a clip of Anthony Jettling talking about. Do you saw it? And it was interesting. He was like, Jeff Ross. Was going for his moment. He is good as, like, finding his moment. And now that I think about it, it makes sense that, like, he immediately went for that joke

because he knew it would get a reaction. And it was more like Tom being, like, protective of, like, a grandpa kind of thing. Like, make fun at me, but just, like, don't make fun of my grandpa. The whole thing worked out. And it was a great talking point afterwards, and it's fine. No harm, no foul. Jeff got his moment. And, but it's funny because it's like, it's a roast, you know?

and when it's live, anything could happen. I think that's why it was so successful. People were very excited. And I can tell you right now, I like Robert Kraft a lot more now after that roast. I mean, I liked him from watching the dynasty. I like Bill Belichick. Oh, yeah.

I hated him after the dynasty. We watched the dynasty together. Yeah. I hated Bill Belichick. And after the roast, I was like, this guy is fucking hilarious. This guy's great. He's hilarious.

He's funny. His miserable demeanor really suited his jokes. It's great to be at the roast of Tom Brady. as opposed to the seven-part Apple TV special, The Roast of Bill Belichick. Anyway, come on. We got awesome things to get through here in the Dirty Dialer. Let's do it.

So let's go right into it, okay? Let's just get right into it. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Dez. Also a Giggler here. I love you both so much. I just wanted to share this because it's insane. I was about 21 weeks pregnant with my daughter and me and my boyfriend were getting down in the bedroom having insanely wild sex because your hormones are raging.

Well, we decided what better way to top it off than add a vibrator, a pussy wand, if you will. Well, actually, I ended up, he put it on my clit and then I discovered I could squirt. but we didn't know squirt. I literally had a panic attack and thought my water broke. We ran to the emergency room. So that was pretty embarrassing. Love you. Okay, bye.

Wait, that's one of my favorite stories ever. My water broke. It's like, no, you just came harder than you've ever come before. Sorry. Baby's not on the way. Well, where's awareness? I do think everyone can squirt and the way, like, you find out by yourself, but, like, it's, it's great that you were feeling that free in the bedroom to, like, I really discover

new things when I'm with a guy, it's normally when you're on your own, and definitely not with a baby in my belly. So that's, like, next level discovery. Good for you, but I would love, I wish I was in the room to hear that conversation with the doctor. The doctor. The baby in the meantime feels like it's on one of those cheap massage chairs at the airport while She's getting fucked.

It's so funny, too, because I feel like some guys really get turned on by pregnant women, and then some guys are like, I don't want to hurt the baby with my dick. So it's, like, really a spectrum. It's, like, a very wide spectrum. But I love that for her. Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Hi, hi, Chris.

Something that my boyfriend and I have tried in the bedroom is we've both really been into pee play. Like, I mean, we're both. really into squirting, but we all know that that's just pee. I mean, it's scientifically proven that it's just pee. Um, so he wanted to try me peeing in his mouth, like him laying on the bed, me standing over him and peeing into his mouth because he thought, you know, that could be fun. Let's pee all over each other's bodies. But, um, it wasn't good. I, it tasted bad, apparently. Who knows how hydrated I was.

And I don't think pee is supposed to be a delicacy. So, yeah, it went poorly. I guess you could say, okay, love you, bye. I'm proud of her. I mean. She took a risk. She's like, he said it didn't taste great, apparently. I was like, well, I thought that was established.

I didn't think that needed an experiment. No, but good for, I'm like, that's good for them having some fun on a Tuesday. They're into pee, though. So obviously, this is the problem with all the kinks, right? You know, they know that they're into it, but eventually it just becomes the norm. So you need to take it to the next level. And there is a level that's too far. And the too far is like the fucking taste of pee.

It's too much. Yeah. And also, like, your poor mattress. Well, yeah, I'm assuming they were doing it in a, I'm sure they have the right practicality. of you know see the admin of that just dressed me out i was like you have to set up i'm assuming they're in the bathroom i i would have thought maybe they're in the bath you know yeah but is this too much for you by the way did i did i come in too hot with that choice no no but it was it was intense i was like did you say pee now i'm worried like now i'm worried that we're going to

freak everybody out it's like whoa no the dialers can handle anything it's just the morning here in l i do think that the squirting debate is quite funny but sometimes I feel like squirting there is it is a little different like there's definitely pee in it but it's like not completely pee yeah I I don't know I've never I've never had it why can't a scientist like just like figure this out is it because it's a woman does it I mean I thought it was more unanimous that it really is just pee but I mean that doesn't but like it's it doesn't matter really right at the end of the day it's still I don't think the end of the day it's still a liquid coming out of you know your vagina

you know and whoa I mean he tried you know he tried he tried I guess some women someone would be like well we were always made to swallow it so deal with it people have survived being stuck in the desert by drinking no urine so yes we learned that from Breaking Bad oh oh that's right I was I was so I was like I was like I was like that came up recently I forgot that that was on the rewatch of breaking bad. You're like, was I in a desert recently? So, anyway, you know, they

took the kink to the next level. That was fun. I mean, that is kind of as raunchy as it gets. Good for them. Everyone's ready now. So now there can be no more, now there can be no more surprises. Let's get into, oh, well, this is for you. This is a funny one that's really just for you.

Something that my partner and I try to do in the bedroom, pretty much whenever we have sexes, just have me be on top and not, get a cramp in my hip and flail over and say no you need to do it just like every other time and i feel like this is a lot more common than people talk about because whose 33 year old hips are actually not lying because mine are people don't talk about this enough people don't talk about this enough i have the tightest hips ever but i also have a tight pussy so pick your poison no because i i understand i've cramped up like my you know i've had like hamstring cramps while having

but you're the first person I ever experienced that their hip mobility is so bad that they can't really be on top. But I'm glad when I heard this woman message in, I was like, oh, this needs to be said because, like, finally our two worlds collide because, like, hip mobility is my big thing. I just never thought of it in relation to sex, but people need to work on their hip mobility for their love life. Hip mobility is essential. Or you could just do doggy. No, I understand, but like sometimes it's, you know, Hannah, people like being on top. The only reason you don't like being on top

is because you're physically unable to remain on top. You can start on top, but then it's always like, oh, I got to. It's like the one area where you're older than me. It's like the one part of our relationship where Hannah comes across as older than me is when her hips lock up. We could talk to Robert Kraft about finding somebody

to get you loose before sex. I have to work on my hip mobility for sure You're gonna wake up in the morning I'm just stretching my hips And you're like okay I guess it's time She's getting ready for me Our foreplay is fucking Pilates

Yeah Doing hip openers Actually my whole Instagram is like hip mobility shit Oh once that starts man Trust me It'll never it'll never leave I bought that like hip hook thing Not the

I didn't get the one that's like $100 I got the like $20 one on M So I think I broke it already because I'm not buying an $100 hip hook that's not proven by science. I identify as a retired older man. I really do. Hannah is a millennial queen on stage, but she's a retired construction worker in the bedroom. For real. Also, babe, I identify as Gen Z on stage.

Oh, sorry. I apologize. I apologize. Actually, I can pass for. many different generations. That's what I've been told. Yes. Which means you're in your 30s. Your generation non-specific.

That's a good one actually. I think that's a good place to be. We've coined a phrase. This is the thing that I was not aware of was a thing. So my ex couldn't grow a mustache or a beard to enjoyment. And I like riding that stuff because it feels fantastic. so I rode I suggested riding his crew cut head because he had that military cut to try to simulate the same feeling simulated embarrassment and that's about it

but I'm fucking a guy with a beard now so hey oh talking about giving head I've never heard of that I didn't know that some women were into like riding facial hair I didn't know that. I guess, I mean, I've heard jokes about like mustache rides, right? I guess. Honestly, this is just exposing us for how vanilla we are. Like, every, we're like, people sit on people's faces. No, no, the sitting on the face I knew.

I just, I actually always thought that facial hair would be a negative. I always thought that like you just get like beard rash on your vagina. You know, now that I think about it, like, if there's, if it's like bristly, but it's like she's really riding it. Like, she's pushing her. Yeah, that's her jam. That's clear that she's into that. She likes that sensation. But it's very hard not to laugh when you actually visualize what it looks like to be, like,

gyrating on a head. Like, how did that kind of, like, I just don't know how you feel, you know? Like, you know the way, like, you think you're like an awesome lover and then like somebody's, like, up on your crew cut. It's, that's some fucking. Fucking weird. But this is the thing with the fetishes. If you could find someone who's like, all I want is a girl to fucking hump my head,

then you have two people madly in love. Yeah, I mean, who knew that? Because I know when I used to shave my head, that people do like rubbing it. Like, people like going, like, oh, can I, can I feel it? They like that sensation. But I never thought about it as sexually. But no, I like that girls are like, this is what I like. Let's try it.

Let's see if it works. keep doing that stuff it is annoying though like if you date one person who kind of sucks but like one part of the bedroom you like really liked so you try to like find it in other people and you're like I can't go back to that dude he was a maniac but I did like his mustache yeah but this is the thing like if you're a beard fucker you can't be with a guy that can't grow a beard you know yeah it's just like if he's a fluffy you know if he's like a fluffy face can't grow a beard that's not the guy for you Okay, here we go. Our first backside.

Hi, Hannah. Hi, Des. Love you both. I wanted to call and share my very humiliating story with you guys. So a few years ago, my boyfriend and I were celebrating our first year anniversary. We did a little staycation at this really nice hotel. We took some toys. It was romantic.

And, you know, we were feeling the vibes. So we thought, why don't we do something we've never done before, which for us was butt stuff? Now, mind you, the toys we took, none of them were intended for backdoor purposes. but we did have the small vibrator and we're like, okay, like this is a good start. Well, this vibrator ended up getting stuck sideways in my back door. And there was my boyfriend of one year, okay? I've known this man for a little over a year. There he was fishing through my back door, trying to get this thing out, and he couldn't.

So I had to go to the bathroom and basically fart it out. It was the most embarrassing, most humbling experience of my life. Now we look back, we laugh, you know. But yeah, it's a great story. Wanted to share that with you guys. Bye. Love you both. We got a lot of these.

I want to know if she, like, quit or, like, retired from butt stuff after that, or she, like, was like, well, it can't get worse from here. Let's keep going. Well, you just, I guess you got to use the, the butt appropriate toys. But I feel like anything could be a butt plug if you believe in it. Once it's smooth, I guess, you know. So I guess it must have been small and kind of turn. but like,

let's have another one of that topic because it comes up a lot, okay? This is another one. Hi, Hannah and Des. I just started listening to your podcast after listening to the Ginkley Squad and I love it.

You guys are hilarious. Also, very new that I've tried in my bedroom is using a prostate massager on my partner. I didn't even know that was a thing until I met him. it's definitely a learning curve i don't know if i'm hurting him or if it's going well so it's going some practice but into it pretty cool okay thanks bye

wait did she say she doesn't know if it's hurting him yes but that's just has to be communicated yeah she's like he's He's crying, but, like, I think it's like a happy cry. Yeah. Well, I do think we should normalize more sex toys for the boys or knowing about your boyfriend's toys that he might like. I've never heard of a prostate massager, but if you're a prostate massager company and you want to send it for us to try.

I think prostate massage is a great way to, you know, make it seem less butt stuffy because a lot of guys are, you know, they got the paranoia that it's gay, you know, as I do my joke is like people think the gay button's up there. But, you know, like it feels good for some guys. And so when you say prostate, when you say prostate massage, it makes it seem like it's something, you know, from the sexual. Yeah, the sexual health category. Roman Empire.

Yeah, you know, like Eastern medicine. Very manly. but also like for girls it's like if you thought eating a guy eating you out was like what lesbians do and that made you gay like every girl would be gay yeah so men yeah men just need to you know so prostate massage is the way to make it seem less like an issue for you okay let's get off the butt stuff and go for something um a bit more practical wait by the way i was going to say in l.A i've been like talking a lot of people who are like hey we've really love burner phone they're like it's so different from giggly squad and it really gives like morning radio vibes that they haven't heard in a while morning radio vibes this could be anything less could we be doing anything less morning radio right now like fucking morning radio in a hor house are you allowed to say hor house i don't know it doesn't come up that much sorry brothel what

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All right, this is practical. Hi, Des and Hannah. I love the podcast. Something that me and my boyfriend have tried recently is food in the bedroom, but specifically when I'm sucking his dick. So, like, one of my friends gave me the somewhat wild suggestion of going to the gashire gas station and getting a little thing of liquid candy and using that during head and I actually found it to be so much more fun, so much more saliva, so much tastier. And it's really inspired me to start thinking about investing in like one of those blowjob gel things, like the flavored

ones um because i think it just adds like a completely new twist to giving him head so highly recommend there you go not recommended by the american dental association but very good for uh very good for uh making giving head more fun yeah i just like that it's like if you really hate it just like put some candy on it and it makes it better not a lot of um sexual stories start with so i was really the mood, so I decided to go to the gas station. They don't only start that way. It's funny because I was the first, I always think of whipped cream, which I fucking love. Oh yeah, we got a lot of whipped creams, actually.

A lot of whipped creams. You got to take a lactate before that, girls. But yeah, food, I love food. I probably, if I'm not in the mood, that could get me in some kind of mood. But it can get messy, and then I always just get worried about like the pH balance of everything is it that bad of a flavor without it that it really makes that much of a difference true i guess it's also just like a little more entertaining it's like just looking a lollipop freshenes it up um but you know what i like the open-mindedness i'm like i like that she's like you don't have to just blow the way

everyone else is blowing you can make things fun and that is how we should look at life you don't have to just live life normally you can throw some candy in it by the way i want to point that because i keep forgetting to bring it up that this is not a Chris episode right but more people are mentioning Chris but I want to get it on the record right on the record here on Burnaphone I didn't include it obviously but a woman messaged in with her phone number for Chris and said if you play this please don't put my phone number on the episode but she was like I really not trying to be on the episode I really just want Chris to have my phone number so chris is now getting like fan mail through burner phone wait i kind of love this like love is blind

moment where women are like i don't know what he looks like but i know his sense of humor and i the sound of his voice and they're this is classic women being fully creative women in stem putting together a whole idea of what chris is they're like that's my man yeah that's my man fun fact about chrisie he didn't know his penis tastes like strawberries so really he He's the guy, he's the guy that you should go down on. He has, he has a, he has a, call him strawberry Chris. They call him gas station candy dick. So, Chris.

Shout out to Chris, he's not here. We miss Chris, you know, let's go. Okay, so I have the perfect answer for this question that I feel like all girlies have always wanted to know like what I like that, but I pegged a guy. I was actually dating him for kind of a long time and it was something that he had brought up. And finally I was like, okay. So we went for it. The first terrible thing about it is finding the strap, like putting it on in a way that's comfortable and that you still feel like queued in.

Not possible. It's like you're going repelling down a mountain in Costa Rica. Then also choosing a position for him where you still find him attractive afterwards because when he was laying on his back, I was like, you know, because I felt like I was changing his dirty diaper, but then ended up choosing the knees. He was on his knees. I was standing on the side of the bed, and then I could kind of hold his hips. It did feel a little bit powerful.

It was very much like literally fucking the patriarchy, but then afterwards, I didn't really know what to do because I was just kind of standing there with like a strap on, just kind of flopping about. But then we ended up breaking up. That was the most incredible explanation of what pegging is actually like. That was literally stand-up, man. That was incredible. That was so incredible.

And I was there with her. That was the one I was thinking about. what I said to you that like these are fucking hilarious like the fact that you know because you remember what's her face had worn the peg the patriarchy shirt to the fucking met gala do you remember that yes um was like carrie delavan yeah but uh there's just so much great imagery that she brought up i did we once make a joke about the fact that like it feels like you're getting ready to do like a fucking a skydive or like a you know yeah like a bungee jump you know you got some guy fucking making sure everything's fucking locked on but the imagery I've never heard which

I thought was so funny was like he was lying down with his fucking ass and I felt like I was going to change his diaper like it's such funny well because he's because he's in happy baby pose kind of yeah there's like there's a vulnerability there that perhaps some people find unattractive as a girl you never insert you're never going in him he's always going like in you like even a blow job it's going in you and it is a powerful feeling, I think. Yeah, but essentially it has to be that the guy is kind of into it, right?

And no matter what, in the end, because maybe it's turning you on as a woman, but in the end, you know, when it's done, you're going to be standing there like she said with a fucking stupid toy fucking flopping around. There should be a pegging thing where like on your end, it like vibrates on you. Yeah, I think, did we talk?

about that before because that really is a sex toy that needs to be made which is uh and i know that there's i won't even say how i know about the the double-ended fucking dildos hilarious remember that yes just the way you said the double-ended fucking dildos yeah okay so we don't leave them hanging you know uh my little cousin, Bella, lesbian. I mean, she's 23 now, but like a year or two ago, she was like, can I get something shipped to your house in New York because they won't ship to Ireland? And I was like, sure, what is it?

And she was like, it's a double-ended dildo. I was like, Bella, you didn't need to fucking, you could have just said it's a sex twice. You could have said an air-fire. You're like my fucking daughter. Like, I'm just not, I'm not ready for the fucking double-ended dildo, just openness right now between me and you. Oh, my God.

The thing is that the dumbbell and the dildo exists. So surely there's a sexual engineer out there that can figure out a way to peg while also really making it exciting for you. Yeah. Or I guess you could put a butt plug in. Plug and stuff up, I guess. I have one pegging story that I always say. Can I tell it again? Sure.

Yeah, I went on a date with this guy. It was like nice date. dinner, the next day we went to a basketball game and he was just really kind of like like I didn't feel a connection with him like sexually at all and he seemed really nice and almost uptight and I was just like okay whatever months later a girl messages me and she's like how do you know this guy you're following him on Instagram and I was like oh we went on like two dates and she's like he won't stop messaging me about pegging him and I was like he never asked me that? Did I not look like I was capable of a good peg?

Yeah. You know, you're too athletic. He was afraid of your, he was afraid, but little did he know that your hips literally wouldn't be able to thrust. Little did you know. Maybe he saw me like, he tried to sit and he was like, no, that's, she's not going to be capable. But part of me was like, wait, am I not fun? Do I not look fun? Am I just like, I don't know. I just was like jealous in that moment. I was like, so you're a peg type of girl and I'm not. I'm like, I will fuck the patriarchy. Sorry. Sorry, Peg.

Not for you. But it's interesting with different people, people feel more comfortable or different, who knows the scenario of like, maybe we knew the same people and he wanted to keep something on the low? Who knows the complexity of all that? Well. Normalized pegging. Yeah. I was trying to think of a good alliteration there, but it didn't come to me.

All right, let's, this is a life hack. Something new. I tried in the bedroom is plugging my phone in across the room so I don't spend seven hours on my phone before I fall asleep. Cute.

She took the meaning in a different way. So thank you. I left it in because I thought it's actually very good bedroom advice. Let's shake and bake here. Is it dirty talk one? Hi, Hannah. Hi, hi, does. Love you both. So this isn't exactly

like a hot take, but a month or so ago my boyfriend started really upping his dirty talk like just like out of the blue and i was like where'd you like learn like what and he was like never never you mind don't worry about it which like okay fine um but he started like it started off like just calling naughty and like I'm cool with that like that I can drive with that but then it started to get like oh you're a little slut aren't you and like I don't mind it but I also like it's not it's not turning me on more if that makes sense and in that moment you can't like be like no and so yeah and then it's developed even the last week he called me a hoe and I was like no that's just funny like you don't call me a

ho I mean in the moment I was like yeah but like where is he getting this from like does where do you think he's getting it from porn um i i it's a it's a hard either he like i don't know watched some video where they were like hey you know if you want to make your partner happier you need to talk dirty or he started to get into like certain types of porn yeah but it's funny the concept of a guy calling you a slut is not him like demeaning you it's like him getting off on like this it's like a power thing and I talked to Raina of girls got to eat and we were joking that like she

loves being called like a dirty horse slut and I'm like absolutely not each to their own yeah each to their own so I'm saying some girls really fucking like that and I don't know I'd love to talk to like a psychologist about like what the

what those things are but um it is interesting I like that he's trying but it is interesting when the dirty talk goes in a direction that you're like Yeah, but I also think it's interesting where it's like, hey, bro, you know, if you've suddenly taken this like 90 degree turn sexually, it is, it's hard for your partner to be like, wait a minute, have you been fucking seeing something? Like, where the fuck is this coming from? So you hope that it's just from porn, but, you know, that was like Aden's, Aden's joke was always like, don't be too good at taking off the bra. Yeah. Like, like, how'd you learn that? Fumbling, fumbling with the bra too much is awkward, but like being. too good it's like okay too much fucking too many bra straps have been open would you take a fucking master class like calm the fuck down yeah with your fucking fuck boy bra opening skills

it's like i don't trust you but yeah but then if you take too long it's like okay well i don't like this either but on a practical level i disagree when she says you can't say it in the moment i think you can actually oh for sure i think if somebody's saying something to you that's like it doesn't even have to become like a big thing of like you know like don't like the words slut but it can just be like, hey, like, just don't call me. You don't have to, like, ruin the vibe. But, like, at the same time, like, you don't have to, like, accept stuff that's actually, like, turning you off

or, like, not helping, you know? 100%. And I think it's, like, you don't ever want to make the person feel embarrassed in bed. Like, you want them to be free. So you're for, and you also don't want to, like, ruin a moment. Maybe, like, see where it goes because, like, you're comfortable with him and you're, like, maybe there's something I'm missing here. But if you can't do it during, which is what you should.

probably should do but it's difficult and then I'd be like so the slut thing what's the motive what's the context next time no let's let's talk but like also I want to understand like where is that something you're into because maybe you could find something that's more like something you're into but like evolve in a healthy way that you guys both like um the fact he starts saying ho bitch slaps you ho but I do I do think that some guys love the like slut stuff they love it um and that's like their thing but it's funny if it wasn't his thing and then became it also some guys are so simple as like someone might have been like bro this girl loves

when i call her a slut and then he's like okay i'm gonna try that i'm gonna do that i hope it just came from porn or he did some like class it's weird that he didn't say where it's coming from he listened to a weird like alpha male podcast but i think this is also an opportunity for you to get closer with him. Like, I, this kind of stuff that you're like, this is a problem. It's not like really bad, but it's a time to understand each other better and then you grow and you laugh about it. So like relationships are just about like addressing stuff as you guys are figuring it out.

Here's something very practical, which I did Google afterwards to find out if it's actually true. Okay, so I can't take credit for this because one of my one night stands gave me this idea, but using coconut oil as lube has been life-changing. It smells nice. It's good for your skin. It's a decent texture. It all around has great effects.

And not to mention, it does its job as a lubricant. So, yeah, if you haven't tried coconut oil, do it. Coconut oil, man. Interesting. And it also probably tastes a little good. So maybe the other girl who doesn't want to be having, like, Sour Patch Kids every night could have coconut

Yeah, and I looked it up and it's a, it is, it's good. I mean, there was one negative article suggesting that like, it's not ideal, but the majority of the articles are that is very positive, good for your skin. You can look it up online.

There are certain types of coconut oil that are the best to use. But shout out to my dead mom who, I don't know, at some stage, I must have watched some TV show where they talked about coconut oil being better than all the other oils. So for the latter parts,

of her life she cooked every fucking thing in coconut oil only put coconut oil on her skin she basically just became like coconut oil for everything she must have smelled amazing i mean she just like suddenly everything had to be coconut oil like she and she had this like hardened you know like you know this like glob of coconut oil that she cooked everything in actually i think during that time period coconut oil there was like people were into pulling coconut oil pulling where it was like really really good for your teeth and then people were putting coconut oil chunks of it in your coffee it was called like a a bullet coffee that was like yeah 2016 2017 I feel like that was so popular I mean it's it's a good oil I don't think it's as

much of the miracle oil as everybody makes out but you know hey if you want a slightly more moisturized vagina slash penis then coconut oil as lube is the way to go but I did look it up and it is it is safe and nice advice you know not a historian but I wonder like what the cavemen used like obviously spit but like I wonder what other natural stuff they used I wonder what they used for a strap on give me that deer antler that deer antler is going to be perfect a deer antler Hannah what wait does did you see the TikTok thing where they said that um a lot of dinosaurs may have been like like full of feathers or like fur so they actually could have been like really adorable looking

like they showed like the body of a rabbit how it would look at as dinosaur versus a rabbit so they're saying a lot of the dinosaurs could have been like adorably fluffy creatures yeah i had heard before that they might have feathers all right let's go three more hi hannah hi does so i'm married which first of all gross i know second of all we've been fucking each other since our college days so that's on top of our game. I'm talking gag reflex non-existent. But now, kind of like what you were saying on Giggly the other day, I'm approaching my 30s and I could barely take an Advil. So I took it upon myself as a good wife to buy this deep throat numbing spray. So we get going and I sprayed a few times not only doesn't numb my throat it numbs my teeth my tongue my fucking eyebrows it numbs

everything except my gag reflex i could barely form a word let alone put a dick in my mouth um so overall it was a fail but it was so cute that i tried i wonder how long it stayed also i'm like i want to use that for when i have to like get laser like tweez my eyebrows yeah i think that's kind of like the stuff the dentist used before they put in like the you know before they inject you at novocaine they usually do that like external topical I'm not a man but I feel like deep throating is overrated like I think it's like fun in college to be like look what I could do and then it's like we get it yeah but some people are into it oh like yes some people are like if you just deep throat it that's I'm good I'm great yeah and I I knew somebody a woman who liked watching deep throat porn

that was her thing she she she got off on the gagging so you just never know what people are into yeah yes oh the human mind um but i i do like she said i'm married gross but surely like his yeah that was hilarious surely like his cock would then if you have the numbing agent inside your mouth and then he starts deep-throating you surely his cock gets numb then also yeah that is like a wild well that's crazy shit i had never heard that people try to do that Because I wouldn't think that it would numb your gag reflex. Girls, I'm telling you, the way to do it is you take your thumb and you put your hand in a fist and you put your thumb in between your ring finger and your middle finger.

And you just hold it together and you can do anything you want. The world is your oyster. It's a weird, like, sensory thing or like a, if whenever you do that with your hand, you can like, I don't know. Don't look at me like that. Where'd you learn that? My slutty friend in college. She taught me everything I know. She was teaching a class.

All right. One more. Our last one for a dirty dialer up. And God knows we needed you guys. Hey, Hannah and Des. Love the pod. Had to say that. Everybody says it.

But I do love you guys. And I do love the pod. So anyways, something new that me and my boyfriend tried in the bedroom a couple months ago was a makeshift glory hole. I found out that he fancied this type of porn. So I offered to do it. And it took him a while to say yes. He finally did. So I bought a black sheet, cut a hole in it, hung it up in like a doorway, put on some like red lipstick and gloss. And yeah, the rest was history he loved it i loved it will definitely continue to do it um yeah i would recommend it was just like fun different okay DIY yeah i i i've never understood that the glory whole thing

actually but uh i guess obviously uh people are into it and then that's such an easy like yeah like it's funny how that's considered like kinky but an actual fact it's like really just giving time square in the 70s right yeah and like the the least no mess no you know like yeah it's just like you put up you hang up a sheet yeah yeah you know like like you don't like like you're trying to make shift black out curtains it's interesting too that she was like i i know he likes this in porn so like if you're wondering what to try next you could ask like what things do you like in porn but then sometimes things that people like in porn they actually don't want in real life yes they like that that's their like that's this other world that they enter it gets nuanced but she was able to get

him to kind of discover stuff but also i feel like as a couple it bonds you because it's like you're acting all normal and you're like they don't know that we just glory hold 20 minutes ago in this room like you have your own little secret that's that's it i mean the dialers came through no that was so much fun the gigglers are i mean like oh my god they said gigglers my dialers and gigglers sorry you guys are amazing and like these stories are so funny and educational. Can I also say the reason why I'm a little more tired than normal, which is so embarrassing,

is that last night was actually my first headlining shows since I tore my ACL. And I never realized how much when you haven't been standing up for an hour without sitting down, how fucking tiring that can be. And I couldn't have been more exhausted when I woke up this morning. It's like I couldn't be more embarrassed to say that I am so exhausted because I was standing up for two hours

but like I literally was 100% wiped. I do have to say if you've ever had those jobs where like you're working a cashier or like when you're like teaching tennis or you're selling something which I've had that like standing for eight hours a day is so fucking difficult.

People do not talk about how hard standing is like for extended periods a day and I know it's better than sitting apparently I've never I've never felt like muscle aches. I feel muscle lake. From stand up. Well, from stand up, I think because I have heels, my, and you know how you clench your

butt, you clench your butt and your calves a little, and when you're a little nervous, I think you get a little, and you want to have good posture. So I get fucking sore doing standup, but for you, yeah, everyone, we're so proud of does ACL survived two shows in Chicago last night. Yeah, that's the thing. It was two shows. I was dying. Yeah.

But you did it. Make sure you take care of yourself. I have shows coming up I added a show in Dublin in London so get tickets there and I have oh my gosh my tour is like slowing down Bethlehem

I think I have some tickets left in Bethlehem how about you? Oh yeah I actually just my agent missed me yesterday so I'm actually I'm about to add a show in Raleigh North Carolina Levity Live in West Nyack

where we both had COVID the last time we were there but didn't know nice and a San Diego in October. But anyway, I have the shows that I've mentioned before. But the big one that I need to push is Nashville in two weeks' time. I'm in Nashville for the weekend. It is Memorial Day weekend, I just realized yesterday.

So you might be going to Nashville for Memorial Day weekend. I'm doing a show at the Lab and Zaney News Comedy Club. What better way to celebrate the memoriam? Yeah, our Pittsburgh. I'm doing two shows in Pittsburgh. one is about to sell out and the Toronto shows are going to sell out early

so get on them I added a show at Uncle Vinnie's and then as I said the emergency call out is August and Rochester a lot of tickets to sell there August and Rochester

the dialers will be there we love you guys so much and we'll talk to you next week bye thanks guys You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad heard only in Canada. Reach great Canadian listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Libson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a pre-produced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Libson ads.

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