Berner Phone - Berner Phone #41: Under the Influence

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

Hangxiety is the worst feeling to wake up to. But this week the dialers put their embarrassing stories to good use. Hannah and Des also have wildly different stories to share this week. 10% off hero bread at hero.co with code BERNER 15% off luggage at beistravel.com/BERN 40% off at hungryroot.com/BERNER 25% off daily synbiotic at seed.com/bern with code 25BERN

Hi, it's Hannah Burner and Des Bishop. Thanks for calling the burner phone. If you leave a message after the tone, we may have to make it into a podcast. Hello, my little dialers. We're currently in West Hampton and Des is producing the pod today. Yeah, we know Chris again. This is our second week in a row. No Chris.

We miss him dearly. No, Chris, and no Zoom. No Zoom. It's just us out in West Hampton. We're sitting across from each other. Yes, making eye contact the whole time. Yes, with a pocket pit sitting in between us. Abby's back on the pod.

And what I would consider to be a very strong, almost Galeforth's northeasterly breeze whipping against the house in case you hear that. You've become a weatherman real quick. I knew you would be triggered if I said a northeasterly. that's why I said it. I actually had no idea what any of those words just meant. But if you hear any licking, that's just Abby licking her butt. She's very cute, though. She's very into this conversation.

We're partying this episode. This is a party episode. Yeah, how did this come up again? I think someone... I can remember exactly where we were driving when you said it. We were on the Old Riverhead Road heading up towards the light of Montau Island. Honestly, I get influenced by a lot of DMs. People send me about burner phone and someone was like, we want to say like our funniest

like gummy stories and then I was like maybe we do like what are the craziest most embarrassing things people have done under the influence because I think this stuff just makes you feel better about yourself like whatever's happening in your day you're like at least I'm not you know robbing a bank because I took two gummies yeah and also and it's a lot of booze I mean it's more booze than gummies I just I told you that there was a lot of gummy stories because I in my mind I immediately thought drunk stories yeah then there was a lot of there was a lot of gummy stories yes and I also like The angle of, does and I are pretty straight-edged. I mean, does is sober.

Yeah, I'm sober, but... Because he had, like, so many fun stories. I have some stories to share, but I'll share them in relation to the stories that come in, rather than just share my random story. I'm more of, like, I'll tell you guys a crazy night where I had, like, three pies of pizza, and, like, I will eat, like, crazy. Do not know how to consume alcohol or drugs. I think melatonin is, like, the craziest drug that I've...

overdose done. Oh yeah, Hannah, Hannah overdosed and a melaton slept till 2 p.m. And it was one melaton. But, yeah, like I smoke weed. I ruin parties. Alcohol, I'm not functioning blackout.

Like, the second I get a little drunk, I'm asleep. And I do think that my craziest, I remember, like, once I went back and... Abigail. That's why I wanted people to know because she has been barking a bit. Yeah.

She remembered me in college. college and she got upset but no I would try to drink to keep up with my friends and once my friend brought me back to her place her place to sleep in her bed because my house was like far away and it was freezing in Wisconsin and I puked on her floor and I never forgave myself for that yes and that's why you're the host of this pod and not a contributor that's when you're going to comment on people's stories that's the most boring story in the world shout out to Elena Turgovich. Shout out, my girl. Sorry about that. But hey, shout out to your, your healthy living lifestyle, you know. Let's get fucked up. Well, okay. So first, somebody sent in a review of last week.

Oh. Somebody that messaged in. Oh. Messaged in to say something. And I'm going to share it with the pot. Okay. So not a response to this prompt, but I just listened to last week's prompt about trying something new in bed. and I would just like to thank you for the prompt for choosing your responses and for Hannah because I thought I was the only fucking woman on the face of the planet who couldn't be on top for more than three seconds without getting a cramp in her hip. And I had never heard of it before. And I always thought it was just me and I was really lame until this morning when I listened to your podcast. So thank you guys. Love you. See?

Shout out to the tight hip girlies Because it means you also have a tight pussy But this is what's great about Burnaphone You're not alone We're changing lives You know sometimes people like I'm really nervous sending this message in You don't realize that you could be

You could be helping someone Because even though the fact that we agreed with her But you know that there are other people listening That we're going oh my God I'm not the only hip person You know I can't wait for these blackout stories To be helping people Actually speaking of reviews

I can't resist Avid Giggler Avid Dialer here not calling to answer the prompt. However, I just want to say I saw Des in Chicago at Zanis Rosemont last Friday and loved it. It was so much fun. He was hilarious. If anybody who's listening had the chance to go see him, you really should. It was so much fun. Hannah, I just want to say he did like a little bit talking about how his pants weren't fitting so he didn't bring a bell but then he ended up needing about Hannah on stage he this man your man lifts up his shirt

to show his waist and he had a ribbon that tied around his waist in a little bow and I was literally dying like that killed me anyway it doesn't matter I just you know it just came in I thought it was funny. What kind of Chippendale show are you doing on the road? Well, you know, because I posted a video on Instagram. Wait, how much money did you pay this girl to send this in? When it was there, I couldn't believe it. But I was like, you know what?

Fuck it, I'm putting it in. This is what happened when Des produces. This is the price of Des' production. He gets a promo. But I do want to point out that. That's because I've been intermittent fasting that week. And the suit went from not fitting to fitting to fitting from being too tight to being too loose in seven days.

I do like that the dialers are just going row. They're like, we don't really care about the prompt of shit to say. Go rogue. We love it. We're still in the introductory portion of this episode. You know? But I have to say, it's funny because she's like, and he lifted up his shirt. You know, like Matt Reif would be like, he lifted up a shirt to show his six-pack, whereas the only rib, the only rib you're seeing when I left up my shirt is the ribbon that I was using to improvise a belt because my pants didn't fit anymore.

Oh, God. Somebody else messaged in, I didn't include it. But somebody else messages to say, oh. Oh, I was at Desa's show in Rosemont. It was amazing. Everything was great until the end when he was walking off stage. And he had to take one step at a lot, one step at a time. And I was like, oh, it's poor little ACL.

It's hard to like walk off momentous like, yes, I fucking killed the show. And then you're like, oh, excuse me. Oh, excuse me. But there's nothing you can do. Well, I'm really happy your Chicago shows. They sounded amazing. Anyway, I apologize. A little promo.

You know, it's fun. You know, something specific that comes in. Yeah, you've got to give credit where credits do, babe. So are we ready to go? Yeah. All right, let's, I mean, there's so many, man. Like, it's out of control. Let's start with this.

I did acid last summer for the first time. There's this music festival that happens really close to my house. So my boyfriend and I were like, let's have some drinks and then take this acid and go down to the music festival. So we did that walk down and are there into the evening and like had a bunch more drinks. So I'm like, oh, like, I have to go pee. do you mind walking over with me to the porta potty and he says yeah so we um we go over and he holds my drink and i go in and it's like it's really dark and realize that the actual lid of the toilet was down so when i sat down like i was just sitting on the lid like the plastic lid

started peeing and like getting wet essentially like pissing myself and warm and then i was like wait why i made why is this happening and then i was like wait i'm just really fucking high and then i realized and stopped peeing and then basically just like ran out of the porta potty home changed my pants so quick and came back you got it right so she beat her fans of the port potty well no because she she sat down she didn't realize she was sitting down on the lid the actual cover oh it was close so she created like a water feature because most of the time girls do the opposite where you sit when it's open yeah the seats up and it's disgusting yeah and you fall in wait oh baby It's so funny because people being like, you know what would be a fun night if we just took acid and went to a music festival. Two things that are my biggest nightmares. Taking acid, losing my mind. And then being at a music festival surrounded by people. Oh my God. PTSD. My worst experience ever was going to Dave Matthews concert. And I didn't know Dave Matthews. And I took like one hit a weed. And why were there so many instruments at a Dave, like it just sounded like noise. Like I was having like a panic attack and I had to be.

removed that's that's actually like insulting to the white race you have to like dave matthews as a white woman as a as a white woman of your generation i know people are upset i mentioned at giga squad people got really mad but like if you're not a fan of something and then you get high and then you're like forced to listen to it it's like not good i feel like i feel like when black comics go for white stereotypes like dave matthews is up there like in like in like black family food you know the way to do black jeopardy on s and l it's like black family food we're like Top five white stereotypes. Dave Matthew, survey says?

Well, look, he brought a trumpet, and I was like, this is too much stimulation for me. They were like drums, and he's like, I'm like, singing from the back of my throat. Yes, yes. It was also with my friend Elena, who is the one I puked in her, poor Elaine. Elena's a bad influence.

No, Elena just had to deal with my shit. The peeing stories with my drinking, there's so many. But actually, nothing to do with drinking. But I think everybody in life has had a situation where they're peeing and they don't realize that their pee

is being misdirected but certainly men so I've had numerous times where I didn't realize that the pee was either like dripping out of a weird spot or if I there's been a time in my life

where I was peeing sitting down and I didn't realize that it was like shooting out straight so it was like shooting out from under the seat you know I think it was like maybe like peeing with an erection one time or something like the direction I did a TikTok a couple weeks ago

about like how good girls pee and it's so peaceful and then it seems like when guys pee they just like shoot it all over the room and they go perfect and then they leave well i mean there's so many like is there this there was so many pee okay here let's go into another peace story so that we can stay on the pee topic okay hey hannah hey des hey chris so i have a ton of stories under the influence but this one is probably the worst even though i don't remember it so i was sleeping over my boyfriend's parents house when he lived with them at the time. And it was the middle of the night. He woke up and noticed I wasn't in the bed and he thought he heard water running. So he leaves the bedroom, goes out in the

hallway, and there I am, just in the hallway right in front of his parents' bedroom door, peeing. Just with my pants down, just taking a piss right on the carpet in the hallway. zero recollection of this, not sure what was going on, but yeah, I hardly believed in the next day, but I kind of did because that's just something I would do. Love you guys. She goes a super on brand for me. Yeah. This is why it's actually good to have a dog because you need to blame the dog for some of these things.

But like I have wet so many beds. I have peed when I, one of the top five reasons why I stopped drinking was my inner ability to control my bladder when too drunk. Yeah, some people are very prone to pee problems. Yeah. And it's in our family. And when you're in college and you're just like partying with people and like random people end up in your bed, it's like you should just get a mattress cover at that point. Yeah. Well, that's my joke that I have about symptoms versus it's like wetting the bed because you drink too much is not, it doesn't mean you're an alcoholic. It's a symptom buying plastic

sheets so you can drink every weekend you have a problem which is part of a joke that I have but but uh I mean got like the list for me like the first time I went to bed I was fucking 13. Do you ever tell you that story? That's the first time you went the bed from booze Oh oh

Did I ever tell you that story? No. So this is a hundred percent true story right so a lot of my early drinking stories with my buddy his initial begins with a pee I won't name him because you know he listens to the pot and he'll know, but I don't want other people to know and then be like, oh, that guy, you know.

So anyway, we were very drunk, 13 years old. We were drinking by the Throgsneck Bridge in Fort Totten. There's like a parking lot there. We used to drink there as teenage. So, anyway, I got way too drunk. Had no idea that you could wet the bed from drinking. 13, way too young. I wake up, I fucking wet the bed. The bed's wet. But I don't say anything. I'm just hoping

my mother doesn't notice. So like two hours later, she goes, Desmond? Did you wet the bed last night? And so I was like, no, I don't know. It was just wet. I must have had a wet dream. And she goes, I don't know what that was, Desmond, but it wasn't a wet dream. That's not a wet dream, Desmond. I mean, I guess she kind of knew I was drinking, but she was in denial because I was so young.

So she didn't, she didn't hit me hard on that one, but it would only be another year before. You told, you'll tell on yourself. I don't know what kind of guy you think you are, Desmond. You don't blow loads like that. Oh, my God. also it probably smelled well whatever man we we like I had so I had so many like so many what one time this fireplace that you're looking at right here 14 years old right myself in next year chia cacus he died young man he died at 18 from a fucking heart condition back in the day there

was all these crazy houses across the street before the ocean took them away and we went to this like college party they didn't know my age I was 16 got absolutely neither we came back my father wakes up i'm peeing in the fireplace yeah i peed in the fireplace i mean whatever i could do a whole podcast on peeing wedding to bed episodes they do say that when you know when you have a son like a baby all these funny moments happen when like he just starts peeing up in the air like when you're changing his day where the pee will just start going everywhere yeah they just start going yeah that's kind of what it was like when i was drunk it was like it was like dating an infant do you think it's true that when you break the seal you pee more is that a what what's that

people always say when you start drinking like don't pee because then you'll break the seal and you're going to have to pee all the time i don't know it might be an old wives tale if chris was here he could google it yeah you know i i i i wet the bed at boarding school i went to stay with my friend for the weekend i went to bed in his house really embarrassing six months later i went back and I wet the bed again, same house. Oh. Like, torturous embarrassment. Oh, God.

You know? Like, there's just so many. You can ruin relationships. So eventually I started, like, if I was alert enough going to bed, I would sleep on the floor just in case. The problem was, if I was alert enough, I wouldn't wet the bed. Yeah. It was actually the blackout times. Yeah, it's a lose-lose.

You know, the only way I can relate to you is I shot myself in a bodega once, but we're not going to get into that, and I was sober. I peed on a guy once. Dave O'Hern, back in Waterford. I love how you do full names. Well, Dave O'Herns a long time ago in Waterford. He was my cousin's friend. They were older to me. I went to Ireland, I was 14, right?

So I started, I was already drinking, but they were like older, but we were like level in terms of our madness. So I snuck out with them. They didn't sneak out. They were old enough to go out. I snuck out, right? And then got annihilated back. They were all sleeping in my cousin's house. and I wake up.

I literally wake up and Dave Hernd is going, fuck sick, as you're fucking pissing on me! I didn't realize. I guess I got up to pee, and I was like, his face is as good a place as any. You're freaky.

Actually, I peed on my brother Mike once too. I got drunk. We were supposed to sneak out and do graffiti. This is before I moved to Ireland, 14. I got drunk. That wasn't part of the plan. And so he was sleeping on the floor.

I was sleeping on the couch and we're going to get up and sneak out and do graffiti. Next thing, Mike's like, bro, you're fucking pissing on me. I was like, no, I'm not. You're fucking off. Wait, how would you sneak out? Was there like a special window?

My parents were upstairs. We should just go out. We used to just, no. In Waterford, I left a window open. And then in flushing, I would just go out. I never got caught sneaking out to do graffiti. You're like Ferris Bueller if he had a pee problem. Nine times.

Nine times. Speaking of sneaking out, since we're talking about it, let's go. I got a, I got like a producer's flow going on. Let's go. okay so please change my voice but the first time i got drunk i was with my best friend and we stole her mom's alcohol and we drank a ton and snuck out of her window we met some older people about a few blocks away and i slipped on ice and i laughed so hard at the fact that i literally pissed myself and then we ended up going to some random person's house and we went skinny dipping it was a great time we had a lot of fun um we ended up sneaking back in around 4 a.m but what we

didn't know is that what we weren't aware of is that it was snowing and so there was footprints leaning back into her window and so the next morning we got yelled at because obviously her mom saw the footprints going back into the window and we got in huge trouble so we actually went to church the next day too and one of the ministers literally looked at us and was like oh my god you guys are drunk and we're sitting there like ha ha no anyways it was a lot of fun but we got in a lot of and that was my happy good time. I don't know if it's all moms, but moms will figure this shit out.

Like, my brother and I threw one party, one party in Brooklyn, and we moved a table to be beer pong, and it was so much fun, and we cleaned everything to a tea. The second my mom walks in, I think the carpet was like slightly shifted by like an inch, and she goes, did you guys throw a party? Wow. It was like, it was crazy.

It was, or there was like a little bit of rome. wrapping paper that was in a garbage and she was like did you guys throw a party it was there was no chance that my mom wouldn't know yeah I mean this is I had to say this one made me laugh yeah because you never think you know yeah the the one time I got caught so my cousins again my cousins in waterford I was with them for the weekend they didn't realize that they inherited like a problem child really and the problem was that like I was fun so they had people staying over Ned Wheeler. He was actually, he won a Lester with Wexford in 1950s. He was a famous hurler. He was a great sportsman. Still to this day, if you mentioned Ned Wheeler and Wexford, it's like, this guy's like

the real deal, but he's dead now. Anyway, he was staying with them. There's a lot of death in all my stories. So he was staying with them. And I got on great with them. And we used to sing. I think I might have told this story before. We used to sing like Irish sing songs, you know. So they go out drinking. I snuck out, right? Now, I know that they're going to be back. before me, but I figured they're not going to come into my room, but I leave the window slightly open, right? So I sneak out when I come back to windows locked, so I think, I'm nailed. So it turned out what happened was they all went, the parents went out with Ned Wheeler, they got hammered, right? Ned Willis's wife was like, let's wake up Des

because they want to fucking sing. And they think I'm great fun. And they go in and there's a fucking doll under the, you know, on the pillow. Because I put it, I did the Ferris Bueller, inspired by Ferris Bueller. I put in the, you know, the fake body on the band. and they were like, there's nobody in there. That's how I got caught. Oh, because they wanted to sing because they went out. They wanted to have fun when they got back. Do you know what's so funny?

I've never snuck out. Oh, God, I snuck out so many times. We were like so scared of like, if you go out and hang by the park, you will be killed. I snuck at a boarding school. You go to Prospect Park after 10 p.m. You will die. I didn't. I told the New York, New York story, right?

The karaoke story? No. told that story? No. Oh, God. Is this pod just going to be me

like telling all stories? Baby, you got to carry this pod. The insanity between 12 and 19. Okay, 100% true story. So in my final year of St. Peter,

so my third year of boarding school in Ireland, I didn't stay. Sorry, the details are so funny. I didn't stay with my cousins anymore because they basically had had enough of me.

I was just getting moved around like a pedophile priest. My parents couldn't handle me. My fucking cousins couldn't handle me. So now I moved on to like the fucking third. My own family couldn't handle me. now I'm on the third family

He's great The Kiernan's okay Awesome like they're both dead now Sadly The Kiernan's God rest of them They're both dead Betty Kiernan and Dominic Kieran So I'm staying with them at the weekends

Because I've really become friendly With like all the guys in St. Peter So this is way more fun for me So anyway I'd already been suspended for a separate incident Of not going back to boarding school So I don't have time to get into that So I come back and

I feel like I told the story but the dean was away that weekend the dean was he was brutal he was literally physically abusive guy but he was away for the weekend so we were all like oh no falcon father butler all of us all the seniors because I was a senior on Sunday night we're going to go down

to the pub for a couple of hours and then come back right so we were basically like we weren't going to sneak out completely but we were just going to go down and come back during the school day no no bedtime like before bedtime and Sunday night as a boarder you came back on a Sunday night right. So, well, we all got out to the Tower Bar.

And I've said to the Kiernan's Bye, I'm going back to school, right? So at the Tower Bar, no, as it turns out, I was actually like trying to be off the booze at this time. So I wasn't actually drinking, but it was karaoke night. So if you're trying to tell me you can't drink, but then you're also trying to tell me you can't get on stage. I cannot do one or I cannot do the other. But my two vices, you can't keep me from doing both.

No. I'm either getting on stage or I'm drinking, one or the other. So anyway, it's fucking karaoke night So I put myself down for New York, New York Because you can't I get on stage I'm fucking belting out in New York, New York And Dominic Kiernan, my fucking guardian

Walks to the front of the stage And he's like doing the slow clap Like, you're fucking nailed motherfucker But what can I do? I just I finished off New York, New York And he was like, we'll talk about this When you get back on Friday Go back to fucking boarding school

And I'd already been suspicious Spend it. Betty Kiernan had to already go up and plead my case for sneaking out on a Sunday like a few months before. So, babe, were you not afraid of getting in trouble ever? No, I just, I just liked not getting in trouble. You liked getting away with it. Yeah, the getting away with it was awesome. And I had, listen, the percentage rate of getting caught was pretty small. Yeah, I was just such a goody, two shoes.

I never did anything. Or like, when I was going to a party, I'd call my mom and be like, can I try a beer? And she's like, you're not supposed to ask me this. the one time i went out i got mono yeah see that's where you get of all the insanity all i've ever got is chlamydia once but you're the same i've gotten yeah you've gotten more fucking you've gotten more things from fooling around than i have and i went out twice so uh anyway there'll there'll be more stories that i'm reminded of but those are the ones buckle up guys buckle up buttercup

This is kind of a funny one. Hey, Hannah. Hey, Des. Love this prompt and the pod. One of the worst or, like, funniest things I've ever done fucked up was I got kicked out of a bar, and I'm a lesbian, so I was dressed pretty mask. Well, I got kicked out, so I went to my friend's house down the street. I dressed myself into a complete femme bombshell, and I went back in.

and I was able to be in there for about three minutes, maybe five, give myself some credit before they recognized my tattoos and kicked me out again. So, super fun. When I'm obsessed with that. I just thought it's so funny. I'd be like, that was my twin. Yeah. That was my twin.

All my, all my, like, my feminism, my lesbian rights go out the window. I'm just going to barby up and see if I can get away with it. Get me a short skirt where you could see my labia. They'll get me back in there. And then she's hitting on people. She's like, sup. That's nice, though. I like the persistence.

I love that. I wonder why she got kicked out, though. You're like, we want to know the tea. Yeah, I want to know the tea on that. That's hilarious. She's like, I took a Dyson air wrap to my hair, did some blush, and I ran back in. I did try to get into, like, clubs a lot in college. Not clubs.

Oh, bars. Like literal bars. were a lot of methods that I would use, but I never, whenever I got too drunk, I'd go to sleep. I got kicked years ago. There was this place, Main Street flushing called Hollywood and Maine, but it was like Main Street near the Long Island Expressway. You know, I had a reputation for letting people underage in because obviously, you know,

like in America, the drinking age 21, but they had this like, all you can drink thing. I went in, I got in, all you can drink. Like Golden Corral for drinkers? Annihilated. Went back two weeks later, tried to get in. The guy was like, no way. I was like, I got in two weeks ago. I was like, yeah, and you were sleeping outside.

I saw you. Oh, my God. You're not getting in tonight. Oh, my God. And then that guy, I ended up befriending him in AA. Oh, my God. Same guy. It's full circle.

Yeah, life came full circle. He's like, yeah, you're the guy who'd sleep outside. My best friend, Becca, though, was the opposite of me. High functioning blackout. High functioning. And I would joke that when she'd get too drunk, she'd still love to talk and she's very charming and funny but she wouldn't have a subject to anything she'd say she'd just be like Hannah this I knew it would happen and I'm like what and she'd be like whenever you think

about it you just can't do it like that and I'm like what is the topic we're discussing because she had the conversation in her head she just doesn't realize that you haven't had it she just and she would I be like what are we talking about and she'd be like sometimes once it happens then you have to stop and I'm like what we do this for like four hours because you think she's going to say something so important And then you realize she has no idea what she's talking about. That's booze, though, man. That's why being sober around drunk people, it's like, it's fun for a while.

And then there's like this cutoff moment where it's like, I got to go. I know I finally matured when I stopped listening to drunk people telling me to stay places. Oh, yeah, that you can't. I used to be like, because they would, they act like you're going to steal their firstborn if you leave. Yes. And I would be like, I can't leave this person. They're going to cry. And then you realize, like, they do not remember.

They don't even know who they're talking to right now. They don't care. They don't care. like when did you leave but it's like why did drunk people need you to stay all the time there's no there's no point in understanding the drunken mind yes all you need to understand is there's like a there's a there's a graph of like when it's fun to when you need to leave as a non-drinking person yep you know and then you kind of just become a you become a killjoy yeah I guess if you leave they feel like you're ruining the vibes you got to stay but they don't

realize that you're not as drunk as them yeah plus you're reminding them what they should be doing you know my mom always said nothing good happens after 2 a.m. It's always so funny how some drunk people like they run out of booze and they're like we need more booze and it's like you have no idea how much you don't need more booze but I understand why you think you need more booze but you really don't see I'll always be like who wants a pizza and I don't want a pizza well the pizza's good because then you get then you pass out yeah you know you get a food coma the amount of people that would order food when we get home and then they passed out

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All right, here we go. Funny one. Hi. So one time I, in college, my room and I got really high and decided we were hungry, obviously. So we were trying to decide who would drive to McDonald's, and they said I was the most sober-ish one. Could have disagreed then, but I didn't. So we got in the car, we're in the drive-thru, and we're all ordering. And I say, I'll take a six-piece chicken nugget, and they say, okay what flavor and i said chicken flavor i didn't realize that she was asking what sauce so um needless to say my roommates still remember and i'll never live that down that is so funny that is funny that is so funny i laughed out loud when i heard of you're a chicken you dumb bitch what kind of trick question is this. By the way, I meant to say in advance of the episode that there is some drunk driving in this episode and we don't condone it in any way. Like I was so lucky I grew up in the city and that like, first of all, none of my friends had driver's licenses. You just go on the subway and puke. So the city does have a lot fewer accidents. The drunk driving was like a thing

that I just like heard of in sitcoms. Yeah. Well, it used to be a lot more common too. Yeah. Don't drink and drive, motherfuckers. Yeah, we had some pretty horrific drink driving ads when we were kids. Did you get those? Yeah, but like not as much. Then the Irish ones, forget it. Like Irish people are still traumatized by some of the drunk driving ads from Ireland. Yeah.

Like horrendous. I mean, I got hit by a car, but it was 6 a.m. And I don't think the guy was drunk. Just to make it about me. Yeah, and it was cold. All right, shout out Queens. Hey, Hannah and Das. Great prompt.

Shout out to my friends of Bill. You know who you are. This one's for my queen's people and my friends of Bill. Des, I see you. So in my family, you are either sober or you need to get sober. So this is actually my cousin's story, but it makes me laugh. So she was living with her family at the time, maybe early 20s, in Bellrose. The family moved one block over to a new house. She goes out drinking one night with a friend. He drops her. her off at which she tells him is her address, which was her previous address. And in her browned out state, she goes inside. I guess the door is unlocked. She proceeds to go into the bathroom. She starts brushing her teeth, thinking she's in her home. And suddenly the husband, father, whoever comes in and basically says, who the fuck are you? Get out of my house.

And that's it. Love you guys. Thanks. That's iconic. happen. And by the way, before anybody goes, how was the door open in Queens? We never locked our door. Yeah. So don't think that that's an unbelievable story. I wonder if she was like, oh, this toothbrush is a different color. Oh, so she knew. That is so funny because it's not like she was like looking around like she's trying to steal something. She's literally just brushing

her teeth. I'll say, kudos to her for brushing her teeth after her night out. Shout out to Belrose. St. Gregory's used to play basketball there. Oh, I do. That's, I do remember. I did fall off a bar stool once because I, like, you're like, this is literally amateur hour. I remember I, like, dropped my phone and I was just trying to pick up my phone and then I fell over. My thing was. So it wasn't even related to alcohol? No, it was related to alcohol. But I would start off, like, trying to be like, okay, I'm going to get drunk tonight.

And I would start off with energy. and all my friends during like the pregame would be like you're at a 10 everyone else is at a 4 like chill out but I like couldn't last so then like by the time I got to the bar I'd be like I'm going home I'm tired so I can never do it the right way because then everyone was like way too drunk when I was still like sobering I was like sober from the pregame I was never the math never math with me so speaking of speaking of wrong places uh when I was 17 I was in Bogart's nightclub ross layer strand actually I was 16 and I got very drunk and I realized I had nowhere to stay

and so there was a guy Jared Power he was working in Bogart's nightclub he was a classmate of mine so he said oh he lived in Russia Strange so he can stay with me so I was like cool I hid my bags on the other side of the village right

so I was like cool I'm going to run up and get my bags right and then I'm going to come back right because why I had bags let's not get into the logistics there was a reason so anyway because I thought I was going to be able to stay somewhere else, and that fell through. So anyway, I run, I get my bags. But while I was on my way up to get the bags, I bumped it to these two girls.

I ended up making out with one of them, right? I don't know who they are. I just made out with. I was drunk. Made out with one of them, awesome. Major success, right? The other one that I didn't make out with actually walks with me to get my bags. I get my bags, say goodbye to her.

I run back to Jarrah's house. When I walk into Jarrah's living room, there's like 10 people there because Jarrah's mother, she's like divorced and I guess she's like very, you know, liberal. So there's like 10 people that had been in the nightclub. sitting in Jair's sitting room, including the girl that I just made out with, who was Jair's sister, which I didn't know. Okay? So it turns out I made out with Jair's sister.

I get into the living room. She's like, oh my God, that's the guy. So I'm like so embarrassed. I just like shut my eyes. I pass out on the chair. I can't handle them. I'm just like, I feel like, I'm like, over-stimulated.

I'm paranoid because like I don't know any of these people except for Jare. It turns out I've made out with his sister and they're like laughing at me. So I shut my eyes. I pass out in the chair. and I wake up the next morning in bed next to his mother. But nothing happened. She just, I woke up and I was like, right?

And the mother was there and his little sister was on the other side of the mother like laughing at me. And I was like, she was like, oh, hi. And the mother wakes up and she goes, oh, you just walked in the middle of the night and got into bed. So you weren't really bothering me. So I just let you sleep. Wait, how old are you? 16, 17, whatever. What did Jair say?

it's just it's still to like every now and then is jerry short for jerry I call him jerry it doesn't matter it's common oh jared Jared Jared Jared Jared in Ireland would say Jared so uh you would say Gerard so you made out with her daughter yeah but she didn't know that

and you slept with the mom it was just like a makeout it was just like a quick kiss on the street it wasn't like you know you went into the mom's bed in Ireland they call a shift I shifted her you went into the mom's bed yeah but I didn't know it was all like 100% like blackout sleep You stay for breakfast. Well, do you want to know what's crazy?

She's such a cool woman. I don't know if she's still alive. She had a boutique in Rossler Strand. She was so cool. She was so, like, so, like, not judgmental. So the logistics of why I had my bag was my cousin from Waterford that I was talking about before. He was meant to come.

And they had a house. But they never came until the Saturday. So finally, I connected with them, hung out with them, got hammered during the day. Right. And then when I was walking down, I saw a. house and I was like I got to go in and say sorry and thank you to this woman but I was hammered so I walk into the house and she's like oh how are you doing I was like I'm great she fed me she fed me she fed me I'll never forget it because she gave me eggs fried tomato and like waffle you know like

potato waffles she's worried about you potato waffles she's like what was last time you had a shower how is this child just like roaming free at 16 like you know so she fed me I had dinner with the mom we're in a relationship after two days because my I remember I wasn't like blackout but I was pretty buzz

because I remember the weird feeling of chewing because I was so hammered and just yapping to this adult woman she must have thought I was fucking bonkers but anyway I think I told that story

once on stage in Wexford and then I think Jera was at the crowd or Jera messaged me on Facebook afterwards is like oh my God we all we still joke about that story but she's worried about you yeah good cool woman I know everyone's been dead in my story so far

I'm hoping that she isn't but if she is you can Facebook or later ah yeah those were fun times but anyway that was the madness of really what were my parents thinking they sent me off to Ireland to basically like I created all these scenarios where I was just like roaming free like insanity but anyway whatever we don't have time to get into it thank God though because we wouldn't have got through this podcast

without it it was all to get us through this pot so let's go for another one Hey Hannah. Hey, Dez. So my worst experience from being under the influence all takes place at a Buffalo Wild Wings. I was with my boyfriend at the time and we're going to watch a game. He was driving. So, of course, I was drinking. And we were having a good time, got dinner, all that fun stuff. And at this point, I'm kind of tipsy. So we're on our way home and let's be real, I was hammered. I was, you know, in the mood a little. on the way home in the car and apparently after eating his mango habanero hot wings he only used a little wet wipes and not like a full hand wash so long story short we did what we did my coochies started burning i got home and i was drunk and freaking out tearing apart my bathroom trying to get in the shower but i was so hammered i could barely act right so yeah it was absolutely awful and i can never look at mango habanero wings the same again

So that's a cautionary tale. It's come up before in other episodes, but you've got to be careful with the spicy hands or the spicy tone. And to be drunk and be like, did he just like give me a disease? Yeah, because at the time she probably didn't realize it was the Mango Habernero. Yeah.

That's seriously worrisome. That's so scary. Like what, Googling, what STD do you feel immediately? Immediate burn. Immediate burning sensation. That's a little sweet smelling.

I do like the story of during COVID. We really weren't drinking. and then it was like new years and we're like let's go to one house where there were like two people drinking like wine and you talk about here yeah remember like two glasses of wine and suddenly i was like hey you're cute like i suddenly was like so being flirty with you like i never met you before i was like let's go back to your place and i was being all like funny flirty we're walking home i'm like tonight's about to be crazy and it was like 10 p.m i think it was like 10 30 we get back and we put on we put on andy anderson but i remember i see the dog that we were trying to socialize

from the bahamas we were fostering this very shy dog that we were trying to be like make it feel safe and i go i'm going to socialize the dog but you were like come here okay like as if as oh not you abby no i picked up the dog and put her on my chest to hold her i go i'm socializing the dog and i pass out at 10 30 i pass out and missed everything well i woke you up for actual new year's our first new year together i actually woke you up but i was but in the meantime i was just on my own watching and anderson instead of getting any action that was the one that was the one where andy cohen was absolutely ripped and he was like making fun of bill de blasio that's so funny that you ended up just alone watching andy after i was like we're going to have a

crazy night babe um see that's me drinking i'm just asleep that's your crazy drunk story i fell asleep with the i'm speaking of hannah oh isn't Hannah. I'm a huge fan, so I was really excited for this prompt because I've actually had a lot of embarrassing moments under the influence, but this one probably takes the cake. I would like if my voice could be distorted or something because I don't know who else I know that follows your podcast, but I don't want anyone to know this. So basically, I got drug and high, and I was hanging out with my friends and all of a sudden I felt kind of weird. So then I went across the street to try to get into my vehicle and I passed out in the yard. And then when I woke up, I was being

picked up by a bunch of people to get put into the car. And I realized that I had shit my pants and my friends actually had to help me get cleaned up and all of that stuff. And it was very embarrassing. So yeah, don't drink and get high at the same time. You know what? That kind of stuff Bill's character. It makes you stronger. It makes you funny. But I only said speaking ahead of it because you love a poop story. I do love a poop story. I have another really lame story. Speaking of New Year's, my friends threw a party like in Manhattan at some apartment in high school. And it was like a big deal that I was going to this. I never go to parties. So I went and I remember we started playing beer pong and the room started moving and I

like shot the beer pong ball and it like hit the wall. Like I was like really. drunk and then I passed out and I might have puked a little bit um and I wake up with like a hundred calls for my mom she called the police because like I never came home that night and she literally called the police to try to find me and I'm like this is the one night I tried to go out to party I just passed out on like the bed of course Hannah's nightmare drinking scenario has her not being good at sport. Yeah, I was like, did I lose? Did I not get the ball in the cup?

No, me and my friend Becca would leave bars if we lost at beer pong, but we would have like 12 wins in a row. And then by the time we lost, we'd be like, fuck you guys. And we'd leave. Yeah, I mean, beer pong is an American thing. Irish, Irish don't play. There are bars just an uppery side just for beer pong. Like it's...

Let's get some psychedelics in the mix. Okay. Des Chris. Love you guys. Love the pod. Giggler here, dialer here. This actually happened when I was at one of your shows, Hannah. This was last year and I went with my roommate and my best friend. And we, my best friend and I normally, like, microdose on shrooms when we go to a show. And my roommate was like, hmm, like, all right, I kind of want to try. And like, I trust you guys to do it. So we had like a chocolate bar. We took a couple pieces. My friend then could not get into the venue because they were heavily searching her bag. So we had to eat the rest. So we ate the whole thing. My best friend didn't because she was a little nervous. I only gave her a little extra piece.

But we ate a whole chocolate bar and we were just like tripping balls basically at your show. And it was still fantastic. And I just remember laughing until I literally struggled to breathe at one point. But it was a great time and 10 out of 10 would do it again. And afterwards we just like had so much fun and we're silly around the town. So the question is, was it you or the shrooms that was making? I'm so happy that it ended okay. I was so scared for them.

Actually, I know I left, you know why I left this in? Because I felt like it wasn't fair that I included praise of my own show. So actually, this was an equal opportunity. It's so funny. Because Paige and I, we were touring and we like talk about the cities. We'll be like, oh my God, Atlanta was crazy. Or like Boston was crazy. And then we were so excited to do Denver.

And we noticed that it like, it wasn't as like, people weren't yelling as loud, but it was like a lot of laughter. And at one point, we were like, are you guys? is just high and everyone was like yes people do finding the right thing at a comedy show is perfect i actually this netflix is a joke festival someone went up to me and they were like do you want a gummy and i'm such an idiot i thought it was like i love flintstone gummies i was like gummy yeah i love oh oh oh no not that you were getting a vitamin yeah i thought they were just giving me like uh like fruit snack a one a day you want a Swedish fish

Literally, I was like, yes, I will always take a gummy. Oh, not that one. I want to do this one because you've, European. So the highest I've ever been in my entire life was actually when I was in Amsterdam studying abroad. We went into this cafe, this little basement cafe and smoked and I had already had an edible and stuff. And then we'd go out this back door and end up in the middle of the red light district and it's nighttime. So it's in full swing. And everything I knew about the red light district. district completely had left my brain. Like I was so far gone that I had no idea what was going on

and like why everything was the way it was around me. So we're walking through and there's all these naked women in these long windows and these big red lights and these big men that are like watching us walk and I'm spiraling. Like I'm freaking out. I can't figure out why people are naked. I didn't know if I was supposed to be naked if I was supposed to like call the cops but everybody around me was playing it really cool. So I kind of just spiraled silently for the entire hour or so that we were walking around because I had legitimately no idea. what was going on and like why everyone was naked

and like talking about sex I can think of the time where I took stuff that freaked me out I can't imagine being in the red light district of Amsterdam and feeling that way you know because it does it feels like a trip

like it feels like Alice in Wonderland yeah it's like soberly a trip so if you're also drunk because it is crazy you've never been there I've never been it is bonkers I've never been

like it's it's hard to fathom until you see it And why are there red lights? That's, that's just the term red light district used to be like a, you know, the red light would mean like this is a brothel. Oh, oh. That's a, that's a universal term. Every now and then I'll wake up from a nap and not know where I am.

Yeah. So I kind of get it. Yeah, you kind of get it. Who's this naked person next to me? Oh my God, where am I? Oh, yeah, that's right. I mean, Netflix is a joke festival. All right, let's do one or two more.

This is just kind of, this is like a funny story. and it's it's about like aOL chat which you love which i love so i wanted to share my first screen name with you guys and so you know 90s in the basement on the computer begging my dad to make me an aOL account and so my nickname growing up was a little girl from my dad and you know obsessed with Pokemon who wasn't and favorite Pokemon was squirrel so you know i'm trying to think of a combination for these two and you know this screen name's taken this screen name's taken, so I'm trying to come up with something clever. And, you know, I come up with what was my screen name. And, you know, today I understand why my dad was absolutely begging me

to think of a new one because what I came up with was Little Squirt 33. So Little Squirt 33 belonged to a 12-year-old who was in those AOL chat rooms back in the day. And yeah, yep, me and my dad cry laughing about it these days and I'm like man and now I get why you beg to me not And she got rid of it when the guy from Catch a Predator Shut up at her door I love what she said a little squirt Oh my God

I didn't even realize there was a Pokemon called Squirtle Squirtle. Everyone loved Squirtle Really? Yeah Squirtle was great He was a turtle Squirtle the turtle Squirtle the turtle And he would like

Power Wash people It wasn't exactly part of the prompt But I did think it was funny That was very funny Good thing she didn't say like squirt X-O-X-O because that could have easily Everyone did like baby girl XO XO XO XO because it's definitely an only fan's called Little Squirt did you yeah did you have an AOL screen name? I have no recollection I had I was on AOL chat rooms I remember those early days

But I didn't have internet in Ireland but when I came back to New York our family computer I was on AOL but I don't remember what my chat was string breaker 12 I remember I came up with it with my mom It's so funny how the parents are always involved in it yeah but she was like oh string breakers cool because it's like heartbreaker but string breaker and I'm like no one got that reference from it but it was a tennis reference oh and then 12 I didn't get it until you said it string breaker 12 yeah I can't remember what my AOL was I just remember it's your whole identity chat rooms were cool I was I was I was a teenager though already so I was like I was like I think when I saw you I was like 19 yeah so it was fun maybe we saw each other in a chat room once well that would be awkward in one of those chat roulette oh yeah

I never did chat roulette ever. That was wild. All right, let's finish with this one. Hi, guys. So this story is from, um, in my 20s, my pretty poor self-control with alcohol. My fiance had bought like an eight pack of beer, had a friend coming into town and went to pick him up from the airport.

I stayed home and was like, I'm going to drink all this. And then we also went to the bar and I ended up just being like incoherent. And my fiance was messing with me by shoving shredded lettuce down my shorts. laughing to his friend, like, she doesn't even notice I'm putting lettuce in shorts right now. It ended up just, like, totally blocking out when he took me home to bed. And then the middle of the native was, like, sitting on the toilet for 20 minutes, crying. And he came and he's like, are you okay? What's going on here?

And I was like, there's something wrong with me. And I showed him the wilted lettuce I had found in my shorts that I thought was coming out of my body. That's insane. oh my god people the messing with it is very fun that is scary though i'd be like are you kidding me man anything like if you're not aware you're like what the fuck i had a friend and i actually forget which friend it was who would like when someone was really drunk they would take like a fork and knife and put it in their purse so the next morning the person would be like i stole a fork in knife so like people she was like tricking people to thinking they were

kleptos. I've had so many times where I was like, I was like, a fucking, the positive one that was funny was, I was very late getting pubicare. My brothers, because my brothers were younger, then they became up, like, all three of us were like waiting for me to get puber care. You know, like, you know, so it was like, you got to pubicare yet this? This is what boys do. Well, I just remember it became a thing where I was like really waiting to get pubicare.

And then I guess I had worn like newer underwear. I got pubicare at three. I was late, but I wore new underwear. And when I took it, I took it off, I thought I found a fucking pubicare and I rubbed it and it was like fucking lint. It was like, you know, like cotton on the fucking new underwear.

I was so depressed. I really thought that was pubicare. That is so funny. Yeah, and then when I finally got a pubic was like blonde originally. It was like you couldn't even fucking see it. Oh, God. But then this is kind of disgusting, but like totally true. I think I told this one before.

Not that long ago, like four or five years ago, I fucking had these two black spots in my dick I was like they look like blood blisters I was like fuck I had no idea and like six to eight hours I like I was like please and I fucking look down again

they were fucking bigger and then I fucking realized that they were fucking ticks there were ticks and when I got them off they were a lot oh my god two fucking ticks

I love like hot small areas yeah I had two either fucking heterosexual female tics or gay fucking male tics Suck of my dick It's ridiculous Non-consensually by the way

Yes Fuck those tics Yeah I do like my college experience With Becca Like we have so many Funny drunk stories of Becca Like falling in the snow

Like all this stuff And then I convinced her to come On the Bachelorette party And that was like the story She was the queen She was the queen She's oh my God She is the best at a party

And that was where we got The iconic moment Where I had my fake Prada on my frada. Oh, yeah. And I looked over and the, she's literally put ketchup on my frada. She thought it was a plate and was just dipping French fries in it.

And everyone's filming it. She's just casually eating ketchup off my frada. And it was the greatest moment of the Bachelorette. And that's why you never have a real Prada. That is why you got to get fake designer bags, y'all. Yeah, you never know when. Our friendship could have been over if it was a real Prada. Exactly.

Actually, I want to do one more because I want to, this one's kind of fucked up and when I listen to it I was like what are you doing this situation because nobody's doing anything wrong but it's kind of fucked up so I want you to hear this

let's end on a weird note this is weird but it's like it's fascinating but it's fucking weird whenever I was a scandalous lady back in the day I didn't save numbers my phone so I'm thinking I'm texting let's just say Austin

whatever he's think 140 pounds 45, maybe 160. I don't know. I think I'm texting him. I black out. I get in this guy's car. I come to while we're having sex, and there's a fucking, he was also my friend, a almost 280-pound fucking hook on top of me.

And I'm just looking at him, and I'm like, who the, what the fuck did I do? Um, yeah, so that was mine. wasn't the proudest moment that was bad and I did scream and I did kick him out and maybe had a small panic and I quit drinking for a while

so she texted the wrong guy she texted the wrong guy so the guy wasn't doing anything wrong no he thought like oh bingo you know I didn't think she was into me one thing I would say is people do like to not save numbers which I think is like I don't know who

told people like don't save his number if you don't like him or like don't save his number so you don't care about him i need to know who's texting me because you know when people text you need to know who you need to know who you need to keep people organized yes because you will mess it up and mix it up and that or people text you won't know you have to scroll back who is i talking this generic text message speak to save people's numbers so you know who you're dealing with yeah i get the feeling that perhaps back in the day she was maybe a little bit too drunk textie so she was probably trying to put to put like everything when you're drunk it just changes like but then just name it something do not text this number I'm telling you like leaving

the text messages open that means like you'll pick it up one time when it's like oh that's a guy you were trying to avoid just numbers she knew and she didn't she just text the wrong guy yeah that's wild wild behavior but you know what we live and we learn he must have freaked out too he must be like what do I do yeah yeah but at least he left you know so why does she keep calling me Jeff or Austin she used the fake name Austin yeah that is so funny well anyway there we go we're here to tell the tale by the way I have to tell you that I think this was the most messages we ever received look the dialers are fun it was hard to go through man the dials and it's so funny because like like you some people's idea of crazy drinking story is is pretty tame

you were like and then some people some people was like okay this is just like too illegal for me to add to the pot do you know what I mean This is like, I'm not, I don't want to get a call from the NYPD. We need to follow up with the dialer number seven. The dialers always come through in some capacity. You guys are the best. I just, I'm going to be in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. There's a couple tickets left this weekend.

Also, Dublin, I added a show. Dublin, Ireland. Dublin, Ireland. And London, I added a show. So come through. Yeah, and I actually just added a lot of dates. So if you go on my website now, there's a ton of shows. but one that got added, which is actually quite quick,

is West Nyack, New York. Oh, nice. So that was, I guess somebody dropped out. The last time Hannah and I were there, we both had COVID and didn't realize. We performed there together. Yeah, I almost fainted on the escalator, which wasn't working, if you recall,

because it's in a shopping mall in West Niagara, New York. So come and check that out. That's going to be lit. Any Irish American or Irish people living in Yonkers, pretty close. Yep. So to all my Westchester, Rockland County, Orange County, Hudson Valley, New York peeps come out.

Oh, and most importantly, I'm in Nashville on Memorial Day weekend. Yeah. It's a funny weekend. So it's a shout out to maybe you're actually going to Nashville that week. Or you're thinking about what you want to do on Memorial Day weekend, Nashville. Brand new venue at Zanis comment company. It's called The Lab at Zanis. I'm actually the opening weekend, grand opening.

So come and check that out. Everything else on my website. Hell yeah. Thanks for calling in. We love you. Peace. Bye. Hey,